#i am sure everyone has their own reasons for liking or disliking mcd i just like to pick apart my own brain

[rollercoasterwords]

what's the deal with mcd?

ok i am pondering mcd this afternoon (three guesses why) and my sister (foolishly) made an offhand comment that just sent me back into my swamp of thoughts which was "unlike some people i don't enjoy feeling pain for no reason" -- in reference to reading fics with mcd.

so here i am once again to write my silly little essays on tumblr, bc like...why do i like mcd??

and when i say i like mcd, i mean i really like it. i am an avid mcd enjoyer. when mcd is done well, it quite literally stays with me forever and just...nothing else quite compares. i'm the kind of person who will hear something has mcd and be like "ok NOW i'm interested." yknow? like i love a good main character death. 

at the same time, i don't think of myself as a particularly masochistic person. maybe i'm kidding myself, but i don't think i'm drawn to mcd solely because i enjoy reading things that will hurt me (although...ok yeah maybe that's part of it). but like. ok hang on this is going to get both personal + philosophical but for ME, personally, i think i am very much drawn to stories that eschew 'happily-ever-afters.' 

like. i could get into this more but for now i will just say that i am very much skeptical of societal obsession with happy endings and futures. this idea that there's a light at the end of the tunnel, that the present moments in our lives only matter if we're using them to work towards an imaginary future where everything is somehow better and happier...i understand why those things bring comfort, and obviously i'm not like, immune to it. i think about the future as much as anyone else, i do things now because i hope they will make things better later, etc etc. BUT this overarching narrative of like...your life has meaning because one day you will find your happy ending just doesn't resonate with me. i don't believe in it. i need to find meaning in other ways and other places.

mcd pushes back against the happy ending narrative, in a lot of ways. obviously, many stories still end happily or hopefully because we as readers crave catharsis. but there is just something about following along with a character's death and following along with those left behind to grieve them that essentially holds a mirror up to our own mortality, to the fragility of our own hope for happily-ever-afters. like...yeah. we're human. we die. that's it. (maybe u believe in an afterlife--u do u! i don't tho). and life is beautiful and messy and painful because we get the moments we have, and that's it--they don't get banked for some imaginary future. we have the time we have, and...idk i'm probably just talking in circles but something about confronting that idea head on just makes life feel so much more beautiful and precious to me. fuck eternity, and fuck happily ever afters. why does it matter if there's a happy ending? the end is the end either way. 

and i think aside from that i am also just very drawn to the stories of those characters who live past the mcd, who are left behind to mourn. as someone who had to spend a lot of time figuring out how to keep going after trauma, reading about characters who are learning to live with their grief just...idk. it's important to me. it's special to me. grief is a part of love just the same as happiness -- it's all love, and it's all human, and...idk, maybe i am just a little bit masochistic at the end of the day. but isn't there something beautiful about knowing we can feel so deeply, and survive it? like...that's what life is!!! that's what meaning is!!! i am gnashing my teeth

[rorodawnchorus]

Unpopular opinion about Jae’s statement (and apology)

Everything should be under cut

Disclaimer: I have yet to read the comments by netizens criticising Jae. I did not write this to advocate for the statements they have made online. In no way is this piece intended to support harmful and superficial comments with the sole purpose of causing emotional and mental harm to individuals (or celebrities). Such statements would include but is not limited to making baseless accusations, criticising their looks or non-controversial behaviour, etc. 

Jae has chosen to express himself in a way which was very direct. He did not try to embellish his words or wrap it in gift paper. He straight out said there are women who are gold-diggers. There are specific terms in many cultures dedicated to such women. I know not of the Korean name for it, but I’m pretty sure there is one. I do not deny that gold-diggers exist; they’re not a unicorn after all. 

I get that fans are protective of their favourite groups and bias. I understand that they feel sorry for this man that he has been forced to apologize for something he said. The thing about freedom of expression is that it is in need of everyone’s constant self-reflection and self-regulation of what they say. Do I think what he said was offensive to the point of calling for a formal apology? No, not really. My first response to the conversation was: ok. I know he’s the kind of guy to pick McDs or have a say in what they decide to eat for a meal. Does not affect me since it is, after all, a personal decision and personal choice of a grown man who has autonomy in what he does or eats. 

However, the part in which he talks about putting out a test for a girl with whom he goes on a first date might have been off-putting. Men often like to complain that women never say what they really feel or want. They blame women for always making men feel like they are having an exam or test, trying to find the right answers to simplest questions. Women don’t have hashtags saying #notallwomen when it comes to issues as such. 

Before I get sidetracked, his choice in doing this is that he wants to test this hypothetical girl with whom he goes on a first date with: is she willing to eat a $5 meal with me before I take her to a $300 meal? To make this sound less offensive, perhaps, is this person willing to take the bus with me when I can no longer sit in a limo. There is nothing wrong. He might have had an experience in which someone had used him for money or other beneficial gains. Perhaps he thought of this as applicable to not only girls but also to male friends. But that is only my assumption. 

When we say that everyone should respect one’s freedom of expression, it means you may disagree with them but you would still respect that. The limits drawn in freedom of expression that it should not be something that hurts someone’s feelings, sentiments or reputation. That is why laws of defamation exist. What he said is not, in essence, wrong. But the way he said it must have set off alarms because he’s setting an example that men should all test women by taking them to McD and see how they react. Given the context of South Korea, where patriarchy and Confucian values remain firmly rooted, such statements contribute to a discursive pattern that is already prevalent amongst men in their society. Criticisms hurled at women with derogatory terms such as “gold-diggers”(and its Korean equivalent), doenjang-nyeo 된장녀, etc. are aimed to degrade women. Even though Jae did not have such intentions, which I believe he did not, and he probably does not share the views of other Korean men, his words inevitably served that end. 

When we talk about respecting Jae’s feelings and his freedom of expression, should we not also show the same respect to the feelings and freedom of expression of others? They may have different levels of sensitivities and this may differ culturally. To discount their feelings as “acting up” or nitpicking ultimately means that there is a denial of respect given to their feelings and freedom of expression. I can’t speak for Korean women although I can, in some ways, understand and empathise with their plight in a patriarchal society. We should also keep in mind that these netizens do not automatically represent the majority of Korean female population. 

Feminism has been a heated topic of debate across the globe and also in S.Korea. The official investigations on the Prosecutors office, on influential men or actors who have, in the past, allegedly committed some form of sexual crime against women is an indication of how much presence feminism currently holds in their society.   

To further understand, misogyny is called 여성혐오(女性嫌惡, misogyny 미소지니[*]) 또는 여성증오(女性憎惡). The Hanja characters “嫌惡” mean extreme dislike and revulsion (极度反感或厌恶). To translate, the English equivalent would be to detest, loathe, abhor. The definition of the Chinese word itself is extreme aversion and hatred. Sexual crimes have been an age old social practice but why is it suddenly surfacing and why are women fighting back? There is a camp saying that women are simply exaggerating and are “extreme complainers” but, I believe, this is attributed to the increasing financial independence of women, especially in Korea and thus giving them courage to voice out. In countries with deep-seated Confucian values, China as well, it is a difficult topic. There are also many women denouncing feminism. It has never been easy to be a feminist; not during the first and second wave, and definitely not now. But still, if we talk about respect, we need to give respect equally. 

And if there are people who thought that his way of saying what he thinks was throwing a negative light on women by generalising and stereotyping them, then that should be respected too. 

For an American, Jae sure is conservative for thinking that he would have to definitely pay for a first date. Nothing wrong if he wants to be the one paying, of course. In the S.Korean context, perhaps this is still the case (Do tell me otherwise if I’m wrong). Otherwise, they could have something else and they can go dutch. Or they could just have McD and go dutch. To say that women criticising Jae is presumptively materialistic is also disrespectful to women who face a different reality and may have different lived experience as a woman. His statement was - in certain ways - presumptuous. But I personally do not think it was necessary for a formal apology; not if he does not actually reflect on what he said and felt that he could have worded it better. What is more important is the latter because formal apologies coming from JYPE is an expected response to anything controversial. (See: Tzuyu). 

I know people who refuse to eat McD and I respect their opinion even though I like it a lot. (They made a conscious choice for health reasons; I care nothing about my health.) But to assume that they want only fine dining experience would be wrong. To assume that a person disliking fast food means they are materialistic is wrong. You can go to McD with a friend who doesn’t eat it. He/she can sit there with you and not order anything simply because they don’t like McD, right? Just so that we are on the same page about respecting everyone equally.

P.s. I love Day6′s music and I think this was not that severe as to call for a formal apology. My initial response to this conversation was that he’s the kind of person to say that and yeah, some people just want to know how people around them act; or what these “friends” are looking to gain from a relationship. But I am also often critical of how I think or speak. I also do not think that as fans, one would have to unconditionally stand up for their favourite group and its members. Frankly, even if my own mother makes any unpleasant remarks, I would tell her that’s not right either. 

Here is a 35-minute video of a young Korean woman talking about feminism and misogyny. Here is a 12-minute video on talking about feminism in S.Korea with a balanced view of both women and men as victims of misogynistic acts.