#i am still working on bop i'm just old and tired
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shadowgast wip rec list part 4
(part 1 - part 2 - part 3 - part 3.5 - part 4 - part 4.5)
It's been a while since I've done a rec list of work-in-progress shadowgast fics, so here's a curated selection from my Subscriptions page (under a cut because there's a lot of 'em).
All of these works, listed in no particular order, are wips that have been updated recently or semi-recently, and have the only common denominator of being liked by yours truly. Feel free to reblog and add your recs (or better yet, make a rec list of your own! They're fun and make the day of everyone involved).
It goes without saying that these works are active wips at the moment of posting this list. Past lists may contain works that have been completed or abandoned since.
Lastly, a shoutout to @aeor-is-for-reccing and their weekly rec lists, which inspired me to put together a new one ā„ check them out for more recs!
zwiefacher (15/20 chapters, E, warnings: CNTW & Rape/Noncon) by VillainIHaveDoneThyMother/@villainihavedonethymotheronao3 - this fic juggles so many plates (t4t shadowgast, memory loss, extreme trauma, kidnapping, gaslighting, even more trauma, systemic racism, and lots of other fun things I'm forgetting) and does it incredibly well. Not a light reading, but if you want something substantial to sink your teeth in, I can't recommend this enough.
You Be You, And Iāll Be Busy (3/10 chapters, T, warnings: CNTW) by theprophetlemonade/@the-prophet-lemonade - top notch characterisation of both of them (but I'm especially in love with Essek's). The sexual, romantic and just plain tension are well executed, and while all the fics listed here are outstanding for their style and prose, this one is truly no exception.
UnfinishedĀ (5/? chapters, E, warnings: CNTW) by road_rhythm/@road-rhythm - read this with a notebook, some red string and a cork board. Roadie is so good at taking a premise and building a life-like, in-depth story around (under, over, beside, inside) it; both the prose and the content are sharp and unforgiving. And I know we're here for shadowgast, but this fic's Beau is the best.
Love Letters to Toss Into the Fire (10/? chapters, T, no warnings) by Anonymous - props to this fic not only for the excellent premise (Caleb and Essek secretly write letters to each other) but for keeping it up for so long while always making it interesting. The ciphers, spells, devices and tricks they use to send each other letters are always different, interesting and believable, and the relationship between the wizards grows in a delicate, emotional way.
The Chosen AU (18/? chapters, E, warnings: CNTW) by Anonymous - not a purely shadowgast fic since it starts as Verin/Essek, as in sibling incest, with Caleb joining their relationship later, so if that's not for you be warned (but honestly the relationship between the Thelyss brothers is wholesome and well-handled, so if you're on the fence because of that, you should definitely give this fic a try). When this fic goes dark, it goes dark; when it's lighthearted, it's deeply funny and sweet. Come for the blorbos, stay for the lovely OCs, the engaging subplots, the fleshed-out world-building, the very effective non-linear narrative and just an all-around riveting story that kept me glued to my kindle for a whole weekend as I was catching up with it.
all this, heaven never could describe (10/28 chapters, M, no warnings) by kaeda/@the-kaedageist - a sequel to the delightful More Things in Heaven and Earth, which you should definitely read (to understand this fic but also because, as I said, it's a joy to read), it follows the adventures of Alternate!Bren and Essek as they try to put their own version of the Mighty Nein together. The shadowgast dynamic in this one is juicy and fun and unlike anything you've ever read: they're competitive, they sleep together, they annoy each other, they're so obviously in love.
if you must live, darling oneĀ (3/11 chapters, M, no warnings) by essektheylyss (midnightindigo)/@essektheylyss - Megs is one of the (many!) writers in this fandom who are really good at conveying demisexual feelings in a way that's believable both for Essek's character and the demi audience, at least in my experience. This fic is very interesting in that regard.
KintsugiĀ (15/? chapters, M, warnings: Major Character Death) by Chekhov/@thechekhov - first of all, the major character death is temporary and integral to the foundational concept of the fic, which is brilliant; yes, there is a lot of heartache in this one, but the payoff is entirely worth it. You'll find Chekhov's trademark brilliant, clever, polished style in a story that doesn't pull any punches and will make you cry and crave for more after each update.
the fugitive's version of shelter (5/6 chapters, E, no warnings) by hanap/@callingvoicemail - the latest instalment in the here is a world where you love your executioner series, which is partly a retelling of the second half of campaign 2, partly set post-canon, with the variable of Essek being pregnant with Ludinus' child. The whole series is recommended, as well as necessary reading to appreciate this one; it's an original take on a will-they/won't-they dynamic that makes for some deliciously complicated shadowgast.
Hold Me Close, Cut Me DeepĀ (1/4 chapters, M, no warnings) by CatgirlTheCrazy/@catgirlthecrazy - this fic is effectively summarised as "Essek has his own light 'em up, pretty moment." Do I need to say anything else?
presque vuĀ (13/?, T, no warnings) byĀ element78 - (also known as the fic that kept me sane while I was in work hell last summer) Caleb suffers from memory loss for mysterious reasons and doesn't remember being friends with the Nein or being in a relationship with Essek; the fic starts with an amnesiac Bren waking up and then proceeds with a slow, painstaking rebuilding of trust and relationships. The memory loss plot device coupled with Bren/Caleb's pov is great for narrative irony, the shadowgast dynamic is heart-rending, and everyone cares about each other so much (well, maybe not Kingsley, but he has his reasons).
The Devil's Hands are Idle PlaythingsĀ (8/?, M, warnings: CNTW) byĀ Sethrial/@rockshitty - I always love a good modern AU, and this is an excellent one with a supernatural twist. Seth is really good at including heavy plot points with the right dose of dark humour, and at writing realistic banter (the chats between Caleb's colleagues are a highlight). Being the demon that haunts night-shift worker Caleb, Molly features heavily in this fic, and he's an obnoxious, mephistophelian delight.
#watch me forget about THAT fic and only remember once i hit the post button#anyway! hope you find something to your tastes in this list and subscribe to new wonderful stories#i do also have a wip but we don't talk about that#i am still working on bop i'm just old and tired#critical role#critical role fics#critical role fic recs#shadowgast wip recs#shadowgast#writers: as always let me know if you'd like me to add/remove tags as needed no questions asked
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Tagged by @boxboxlewis!
Musical tag game. Rules: shuffle your āon repeatā playlist and list the first ten songs, then tag some people.
Full disclosure, these are all from my You Are The One Thing In My Way playlist, which has a 100 songs only limit (one in, one out) and I listened to so much when I was working that we are currently On A Break because my Spotify Unwrapped for 2+ years was just this playlist in a different order, and because I couldn't pick a song I was tired of to keep it at 100. So, we're a little old, don't think there's anything newly added on it from the last year, lollllll. They've all got a 'sing along while remote working' vibe. I'll link them at the end.
Nice To Meet You - Niall Horan - not my favourite Niall song but a singalong banger on this particular playlist, good opener for this list
Marchin' On - OneRepublic - this was the soundtrack to a fanvid a million years ago, and as such, imprinted upon my soul attached to very specific fandom clips. Absolutely not the only fanvid soundtrack on this playlist.
Night Changes - One Direction - like, this is a VERY SPECIFIC kind of One Direction singalong song. I'd say you have to be in a particular mood but I listened to bits of this playlist nearly every day for years so that particular mood was very much my life, WHAT DOES THAT SAY, let's not think about it too hard
Vossi Bop - Stormzy - Fuck the government and fuck Boris (YEAH).
Dynamite - Taio Cruz - I DARE you not to sing along, imagine managing a database with this on the go (I can't not imagine it, it's indelibly linked in my brain, this is why me and this playlist are On A Break)
Take Me To Church - Hozier - are you having a bad day? Are you having a GOOD DAY? (I am the first one today) Anyway it DOES NOT MATTER, belt out this chorus, things will be IMMEDIATELY BETTER (i'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife)
Wake Me Up - Avicii - look, I keep a work notebook and every day I write the song I'm listening to as I'm building my work to-do list, and this has been on that list so many times, it's seen me through more than I care to mention
Girl From Mars - Ash - this was my favourite song aged 14, and I kind of think that any song that is your favourite song aged 14 is part of the foundational building blocks of your life and that's how these things go. I still have a friend who texts me every time she hears it because it reminds her of me.
Nobody To Love - Sigma - this reminds me of Nick Grimshaw and the Breakfast Show. It's also on my I Had Rather Hear My Dog Bark At A Crow writing playlist so quite frankly I've listened to it a MILLION times. Also, I had a total mental block on the end of the quote (love you, brain fog, bestest pal) so I just googled it, and it's fucking SHAKESPEARE, and on the front page of google next to this Shakespeare quote is the fanlore page for MY FIC. It used to be the actual fic so this is better, but, like, soz students studying Much Ado About Nothing, here's a second foundational text, how do you feel about watersports as a topic
Closer - Tegan and Sara - SPEAKING OF FIC. Two things, this is the second fanvid soundtrack song on this list, this being a Nick/Harry fanvid from about... 2013 and it is FOUNDATIONAL to my being. Also this (and a line from it) is the title of the fic I'm currently writing so we're transcending fandoms with this one, baby. HERE COME THE DREAMS OF YOU AND ME.
BONUS TRACK: Parce Mihi Domine, which is a classical track I heard on the radio one night when I couldn't sleep and had SUCH a huge fucking visceral reaction to because I KNEW it accompanied a scene on TV that I'd seen once, but had absolutely ZERO idea what it was. I had to find the PLAYLIST for the radio station, and figure out what the song was by listening to everything from the time it went out to figure out what it was, and then I had to google the piece to find out what it was used as a soundtrack for, and it TURNS OUT it's the end of series one of Queer as Folk US, for that whole bit after Justin is hurt and Brian is in the hospital wearing that fucking blood-covered scarf and fucking CRYING so yes, let's close with THAT FUCKER.
All these 10 (11) songs are on this playlist btw. Oh good, now it's skipped to Fireproof, a song I love so much I have it tattooed, this is fine, let's move on
Tagging @junkshop-disco (because their playlists are always the best), @stolemyhheart, and @imaginarygiraffe
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Posting live! WATCHING THE LIVE COMEBACK SHOW
Ā”Ā”Ā”Ā”STRONG LANGUAGE!!!!
Intro: back for more (txt ver)
I do not understand shit lmao gotta learn Korean asap
They slayed the intro tbh, as always
THEY LOOK SO GOOD BUT GOD SOOBIN YOU SCARED ME TF
Sitting arrangement (left to right)
Soobin, Hyuka, Beom, Yeonjun and Tyun
Istg I don't understand anything of what's happening lmao
Why are we talking about temptation rn?
Soobs I don't understand (but I love you)
It's 1 am here pls I'm so tired š
Guys I truly give up I don't understand anything here
GUYS WEVERSE HAVE CC LETS GOOOOO
It's kinda amm late on the translation but at least I know what their saying
Love how the mc has asked Tyun like three times to speak, loving the Tyun biased here (for legal reasons that's a joke)
SOOBIN LOOKS SO GOOD HES MY BOY FR
They are vibing to (and talking about) growing pain now
CHASING THAT FEELING
pretty sure they are going album order, that makes me wonder if they are going to talk about back for more and do it like that
I mean back for more is the third track so we'll see soon enough
OH YEONJUN DANCE?!? HE SLAYED YEONJUN MY MAIN DANCER, HE KEEPS GOING GET THAT BABES (he danced chasing that feeling ofc)
YES BEOM CREDITS
"ammm" - beomgyu 2023
OH?!? PRETTY BOY GOT ME GOING CRAZY AT 1 AM (still beom)
THEY DID TALK ABOUT BACK FOR MORE, moa saying the fan chant tho
BEOMGYU RECOGNITION I LIVE FOR THIS
Tyun talking about the dance of back for more
OH OH?!! TAEHYUN A WARNING WOULD OF BEEN NICE!?
Oh Hyuka standing up yasss, THE JACKET OFF MOVE
DREAMER MY SONG FR
"ohhh" - moa 2023 (who wouldn't been amazed at Beomgyu tho)
yeonjun giving soobs and tyun credit ayooooo
Soobin I will go delulu stop :))
Guys this is so unrelated but I love soobins voice like not only his singing but his speaking voice (can you tell soobin has been my bias since the start?) I am so astronomically bad for this man istg
THE BOP THAT IS DEEP DOWN OMG ANOTHER FAV OF MINE
I gotta appreciate that the mc know how to pronounce the English track names
HYUKA WINK I REPEAT HYUKA WINK
The crown is important STOP I DONT WANT LORE RN šš
Not mc tearing up for deep down
HAPPILY EVER AFTER I'm still mad for the 0 beom lines istg
Oh yeonjun and tyun participating for this track? Slay
Istg don't ask beom anything about this track or I will start crying š¤š»š¤š»
"HEH?" - tubatu 2023
SKIPPING STONES (SOOBS)
Soobs explaining the song, slay just when I made the skipping soobs joke
Soobs and beom indie songs gang
"stop" - Hyuka cause soobin's annoying with his music
Beomgyu said "...when I go to work" I deadass got so confused I forgot his job for a sec š¤”š¤”
YES HYUKA THE LYRICS CAUSE OFC I UNDERSTOOD THEM
BLUE SPRING MY FUCKING SONG
Stop it or I will cry thanks
THANK YOU MOA FOR FINISHING IT
Beom explaining blue spring šš
Beomgyu so cute šššš«¶š»š«¶š»š«¶š»ššš
Ohh hyukaaaa I will cryyyyyyyyyyyy
ME NEITHER I WILL NEVER GET TIRED OF BLUE SPRING FR
THEY DID TALK ABOUT DO IT LIKE THAT
the mcs reactions are so representative slay
YAS yeonjun speak š¤š¤
Am I being delulu or yeonjun hasn't really talked...?
MOA YES THEY CALLED ME
is it me or this we speedran this
OH PRESENTATION TIMEEEE
Song: Happily ever after
ISTG IF BEOM DOESN'T SING I WILL CRY
Ohh fun interaction there
The vocals live >>>>>
BEOM LINES LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I'm so Incredibly happy for that
SOOBS VOCALS HELLO?!?
TYUN YOUR VOCALS ISTG
THANK YOU BEOMGYU FOR SINGING
HYUKA AND YEONJUN ARE KILLING THOSE VOCALS
GUYS AM I GETTING WREAKED AGAIN BY MY OLD BIAS LINE?? (Soobs, Beom and Tyun)
oh thank you little ad there for the txt episode
WE BACK
NOT CROWN IN ACOUSTIC VER ššš
BLUE HOUR TOO š
It's like an acoustic (is that English even?) mashup
Bc also SUGAR RUSH RIDE
RUN AWAY IS HERE TOO š
CAN'T YOU SEE ME? IS HERE TOOO
STOP I WILL CRY GOOD BOYS GONE BAD šš«¢
So the final order for the acoustic mashup or whatever in order:
- crown, blue hour, sugar rush ride, run away, can't you see me? And good boys gone bad -
THE BEOMGYU SARANGHAE šš MOA YOU'RE SO REAL FOR THAT
ALL THE SONGS ARE INDEED GREAT
KEYWORD TALK MOMENT
it's a game that I will not understand so I will probs not comment on anything
I am so tired istg the things I do for tubatu
SOOBIN IM WARNING YOU RN IF YOU CRY I WILL CRY SO DONT YOU DARE
Soobs: (he picked L = like)
"the light between oceans"
Fr what the f is going on..?
Idk what's going on but blue :)
"R" - hyuka 2023
Hyuka: (R = right)
SOOKAI MOMENT
The fear in soobs eyes LMAOOO
"SOOBIN Hyung, SOOBIN Hyung, SARANGHAE" -hyuka 2023
Soobins face ššš
THERE GOES YEONJUN
š«”š«”
The fear in everyone's eyes I'm so sorry for laughing but they are TERRIFIED
BEOM: (L = lyrics)
Speaking stones is being mentioned here
BEOM LIL DANCE š¤š¤šš«¶š»šš«¶š»š«¢ā¼ļøš«¢š«¶š»š
MY BLUE SPRING š BEOM DONT DO THAT TO ME I'M NOT STRONG
Ok but his vocals sooo pretty
STOP SINGING BLUE SPRING ISTG ILL START SOBBING
Yeonjun: (E = exchange)
He wants Beomgyu's computer lmaoo
BEOMS FACE ššš«¶š»š«¢šš«¢š«¶š»šā¼ļø
Ohh I think he lent beom a book and hasn't got it back lmao
They still beefing about the computer
Let my boy soobs think, he want the LP player
YEONJUNS FACE ššā¼ļøā¼ļø LMAOO
Soobs sentimental era !! !! !!
I really need to learn Korean bc I'm not getting the jokes here š«”š
Hyuka wants his whole closet lmaooo (who wouldn't tbh)
Hyuka and yeonjun same size ? Damn
SOOBS GETTING THE LP PLAYER ā¼ļø
TYUN: ( A = Autumn)
Best txt song that fits autumn : FAREWELL, NEVERLAND
THANK YOU FOR THOSE VOCALS KING
TAEGYU DUET ā¼ļøā¼ļø(GHOSTING)
HYUKA VOCALS YASS KING
One more letter let's go
MOA: ( so confusing but they choose E = express)
Moa love for 30 secs? Yes please
I'm loving this mc istg
Txt love for 30 sec
TAE THANK YOU FOR THE KISSES KING
HYUKA WINK PART 2
SOOBIN STOP DKEBEKSKHE
YEONJUN AND BEOMGYU SLAYED THAT
Tomorrow by together "SARANGHAE" - MOA 2023
MOA "SARANGHAE" - Tubatu 2023
AINT NO WAY SOME OF THIS GOT DELETED ISTG
SOOBIN saying variety shows on the way!
Thank you for the mention tyun!!!
FIGHTING TAE
YEONJUN ENGLISH š«¶š»š«¶š»
"our.....songs" - yeonjun 2023
Beomgyu šššš
Beomgyu pulling the English lmao AND JAPANESE TOO my multilingual king
HYUKA saying sorry?? For what king? I'LL WAIT FOR YOU A LIFE TIME IF NECESSARY SHUT UP
ly too guys š«¶š»
THE JAPANESE HYUKA TOO!!!
Soobin not only for three weeks, for a life time my boy
MORE PERFORMANCE?!?
I think is gonna be chasing this feeling
TUBATU I LOVE YOU š«¶š»š«¶š»
THANK YOU MCā¼ļøā¼ļø
Song: IT WAS FUCKING MOA DIARY
MY OTHER SONG FR
I DON'T TRUST YOU IF YOU DON'T LIKE MOA DIARY FR
VOCALS KING TAE ā¼ļøā¼ļøā¼ļøā¼ļøā¼ļø
WAIT DO IT LIKE THAT (TXT VER) TOO?!? DAMN
It is kinda sad to see that if Beom gets lines soobs gets less and vice versa š they already get little lines (obviously it not any of tubatus fault but an observation)
YAS YEONJUN MAIN DANCER
They put the chasing that feeling MV at the end I'm guessing
IT WASN'T THE END PEOPLEĀ”!!!
CHASING THAT FEELING PERFORMANCE AND OUTFIT CHANGE!!!
This is my way of seeing the full choreo and I'm loving it
MOA killing that fan chant!!!
THE VISUALS?!? THE VOCALS?!?
Tubatu is my sanity a joke to you?
TAE THANK YOU FOR BLESSING US WITH YOUR VOCALS KING
The prettiest ending fairies š«¶š»
BYE TUBATU!!!
If anyone reads this till the end you a real one, idk why you would but anyways Stan txt <3
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Reasons why I (probably, for the foreseeable future) have no plans to become a "Straightforward" fan of One Piece:
I don't have the mental spoons, right now, to read any manga (or Western-style comics, for that matter); my brain just works most easily with prose.
I've seen clips of the Anime, and though I'm not actually photo-sensitive to flashing colors and light (doesn't cause seizures or migraines), I still find it tiring to watch for extended periods.
I've tried a subscription to Netflix, before, and was not satisfied with its selection, or algorithm. And my budget has become super tight recently, and I can't afford to start a trial subscription that I may forget to cancel.
I've seen most people not start because they're intimidated by its 26(?)-year length. Since I am in no way a completist, that doesn't bother me in the least.
Reasons why I am, however, a solid "Sideways" fan, after looking up the context for "Bink's Sake" (which is a bop):
The central premise of an authoritarian world government declaring it illegal to study the history of an entire century feels awfully relevant today (in America, right now, especially).
That the past and future liberator of the world is someone named "Joyboy." As I've said before: "Holding on to Joy is an Act of Rebellion."
That the worldbuilding in One Piece borrows from many different cultures and literary sources; the race of giants that stand against the gods reminds me of the jƶtunn from the Old Norse sagas, for example, though these giants seem to be more aligned with the good guys.
One of the strongest arguments against suicide I've encountered (quoted from English subtitles, in a clip cited online): "What right do I have to decide whether or not he's still waiting? ā¦ We made a selfish promise and died under a distant sky where our voices couldn't reach him. 'I'm sorry we died' could never cut it!" (and how music represents social connection).
How the different arcs within the overall narrative seem to genre-hop so freely, from magic to technobabble advanced science, as an idea, scratches the same sort of itch as Doctor Who (with islands in an ocean, instead of planets in space).
(After watching character-analysis videos on YouTube): How the story makes clear it's possible to be an asshole and still be morally good: That it's possible to be compassionate without being Nice.
So yeah, I'm a One Piece fan, even though I have no intention to actually watch or read it. I'll still be on the lookout for spoilers, to find out how the story all turns out.
So what are your thoughts on Tumblr's "bright" idea to put live action Buggy the Clown on everyone's desktop dash in the most unsettling way possible?
I think one of the worst things that can happen to anything is over-advertisement, because the people interested will get sick of it from overexposure and the people uninterested will get increasingly even more uninterested, which in this case is a damn shame because I just bingewatched the whole thing and had a great time
#one piece#sideways fan#doctor who#genre bending#manga#anime#suicide mention#suicide prevention#character analysis
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The Art of Inversion
Neil x Reader
Chapter 28 - This Ain't No Hymn
Masterlist; Chapter 27
Summary: Time is running until Stalsk-12 and whatever awaits you there. You and Neil try to make the best out of what you have left.
Warnings: 18+ (implied and not so implied content); teasing; swearing.
Author's Notes: Gosh that was a long month... and I'm sorry it took ages. But it's here...! And it's over 14k for which I am terribly sorry. This one is my final stall before we kick off the action and I do hope you'll enjoy the absolute crackheadery of whatever goes on. Feedback greatly appreciated, as always!
During the final two days leading up to the battle, you did wonder how life can be at once so wonderful and yet terrifying. It was easy to get used to the new reality, letting Neil stay in your cabin for most of the time and only use his own for those brief periods when he would need a change of clothes. Or when you would be busy dealing with the assigned tasks, and he would get bored (as he proclaimed). Still, there was barely a time when you were not together.
Mornings were undeniably something else. As the remains of Morpheusā spell wore off, you snuggled the duvet closer to your chest, relishing in the warmth provided by the blanket and the man sleeping beside you. One last heavy sigh before you opened your eyes, squinting in the bright light falling through the porthole. The sun rays aiming directly at your face, causing you to turn onto the side and face Neil. Despite the numerous mornings spent like this, the sight of him never got old. Your eyes slowly swept over his features. The relaxed brow, blonde hair falling over the forehead in complete disarray. Lips slightly parted, letting out quiet snores. You grinned, overwhelmed with love and gratitude. Because this was worth all the heartache and drama. Absolutely priceless.
Scooting a little bit closer, you felt his hand instinctively tighten over your waist. The hold, which has been placed the previous evening, not shifting throughout the whole night. Keeping you secured and warm. Just as if you were always supposed to end up like this. And perhaps you were. Gently, you reached out to brush your fingertips over his temple. Tentative touch making his breath even out, waking him in the process. Using the momentum, you swept the hair away from his eyes, ending the caress by running the pad of your thumb over his nose and mouth. If only because he was within your grasp.
Neil opened his eyes then, blinking twice to get used to the brightness. You watched as he took in the surroundings, consciousness needing few seconds longer to catch up. Once his eyes landed on you, his lips curled into a soft smile. Gaze immediately showing you nothing but affection. You mirrored his expression, letting yourself extend the staring. It was easy to waste the morning just doing that, gazing into each otherās eyes, getting used to the unbelievable luck. The comfortable silence stretched for a few minutes when Neil grinned and pulled you closer, hiding his head in the crook of your neck and inhaling the scent with reverence. The happy giggle rose in your throat, tinting the words with breathlessness:
āMorning, sleeping beauty,ā the nickname coming out of nowhere, yet fitting too well.
You could feel Neilās smile widen. Cradling you close, he kissed your collarbone and slipped his hands underneath the shirt to caress the skin. It was always like this, slow and blissful, with every minute spent cuddling reminding you why loving him was something essential.
āI should be annoyed at you for waking me up,ā the pretended sulking accentuated with a huff let out by Neil.
Still, his hold over your waist tightened. Another kiss laid on the collarbone, teeth lightly grazing over your skin. At this point, hickeys were just another thing that had to be accepted. With the military fashion aboard the icebreaker depending largely on pullovers and combat trousers, you did not need much to hide them. Now, feeling the sleepiness gradually make way for other emotions, you wound your arms around his middle, tangling more to prolong the contentment.
āWhatās the but there?ā dropping the cheeky question, you made sure to press a kiss to the top of his head.
Taking a moment to drag your fingers through his hair, arranging the eternal mess someway, a job you took on most days now. It was only a pleasure, making sure he looked presentable and yet still like his chaotic self.
āButā¦ this way I can spend few more minutes like thisā another blissful sigh, āAnd this is rather nice,ā the adjective complemented with a final trail of kisses down your neck.
Using the loose cut of the t-shirt, Neil ended the study with a longer caress on your bare shoulder. Earning a gasp from you. And then, to sober up, you remarked:
āI love it when you become this incomprehensible in the mornings,ā another tactical distraction in the form of tracing your fingertips down his forearm.
His cluelessness first thing after waking up was endearing. Despite always being rather dependent on touch and closeness, it was in those hours when he tended to seek comfort. As opposed to your evening need of hugs and cuddles, helping your anxious brain settle in for the night. It worked. Very much so.
āVery funnyā Neil raised his head, joining you on the pillow, āYouāre quite gorgeous, did you know that?ā eyes showing you the unimaginable extent of infatuation.
You grinned, the charm never failing to get to you. In moments like this, it was easy to believe him. To accept the fact that he was in love with you. Exactly as you are.
āYou mightāve mentioned it once or twice. Iām not convinced thoughā sensing the potential in this line of conversation, you made sure to put up the act.
It worked if judging by the way his eyes lit up with the familiar glimmer. As if that was the needed push for him. The wake-up call.
āIāll convince you then,ā a predatory smirk reminding you of the defeat.
There was no point in fighting him. With excitement fluttering in the pit of your stomach, you watched as he shifted to hover over you. Hands settling comfortably on your waist. One last wink before he leaned down, crashing his mouth into yours with hunger. Your hands ventured up his arms to enlace on the nape of his neck, offering leverage. To pull him down as you deepened the kiss. Easily letting his tongue brush against yours in the intimate moves. Every glide of his lips against yours resulting in flickering fire, electrical sparks trailing down your veins. Muffled sighs and gasps breaking the silence. It was never something effortlessly brushed off. Each kiss sharpening the need and affirming the convictions. Unforgettable.
You broke off the contact only once it felt like you both would suffocate if letting it continue. With a permanent grin, you watched as Neil flopped back on the pillow and took a greedy breath, hand taking yours instinctively and lacing up the fingers to extend the touch. After a few seconds of the recovery period, you decided to pick up on the playful strand once more. For good measure. Raising on the elbow, you glanced down at him with a cheeky smile:
āDo you always kiss that good?ā you slowly dragged your tongue along your lips, saving up the remains of the taste.
With satisfaction, you observed as his eyes darted to your mouth, pupils darkening as though that was enough to entice him. The attraction never failing to surprise you in its intensity. Fate and related synonyms constantly on your mind. Because what else could it be?
āYou tell meā following your mood, Neil smirked, never easily thrown off by the banter.
Shots fired and all that. Naturally. You broke into a laugh, half-collapsing against him. Only the arms wrapping around your waist keeping you secured. There was nothing left to do but let the giggles die down, listening to his steady heartbeat.
āMy godā¦ā words choked out with immeasurable happiness, āIf itās going to be a lifetime of talk like that, then Iām not sure Iāll survive itā admitting the eternal truth, you peeked up at him to see the reaction.
A widening grin and a hint of insecurity brewing underneath were a fascinating mix.
āMaybe youāll get tired of me and my bullshit. And dump me for someone with the charisma of a cardboard box,ā
It was the way he was so utterly wrong that made you let out a quiet laugh then. And also, the concern over his self-doubts that would need to be dealt with immediately. As the true bullshit must be treated.
āSoā¦ like Jasper?ā the joke earning you a genuine burst of laughter from Neil and a tightening hold over your body āWouldnāt count on it,ā raising once again, you kissed him lightly on the lips and the tip of the nose.
As a reminder.
āGood. Because something tells me Iām a lost cause,ā the sincere look causing another wave of love for him, āThereās no getting over someone like you, Missā in response, Neil bopped your nose with his playfully.
There it is again. With curiosity peaked, you ignored the need to get lost in another kiss and chose to ask a question:
āWhatās with the new nickname?ā your interest betrayed only by the restless fingers trailing down his chest, smoothing out the wrinkles in the shirt.
Not that you did mind. It was rather cute. And strange.
āIām trying it out... to see how I feel about itā as usual, Neil caught your meaning with a pensive look.
For a moment, he seemed lost in thought, staring at you unseeingly. Beauty like this first thing in the morning should be made illegal. Your heart once again building up the fire that could only be extinguished by letting yourself have what you wanted. And that was rather simple.
āAnd?ā trying to distract the intensifying thoughts, you took hold of his hand once again.
Carefully relaxing the fist, fingertips inspecting the web of veins and scars covering his palm. The long, slender fingers never failing to amaze you. A sudden reminder about the piano in his flat making everything worse. Because that would be quite a sight.
āI like it. Once we get married, Iāll amp up the game anyways,ā Neilās oblivious ramblings disrupting a detailed daydream concerning him and the piano keys.
Thankfully. It was only once you have brought yourself back to the present moment, the exact meaning of his words caught up.
āOnceā¦ not if?ā that flicker of hope burning bright and steady.
It was in the way Neil studied you closely that you knew he understood. The smirk spread across his lips; eyes glimmered dangerously as he cupped your cheek:
āWhy you got any other plans?ā a suggestive glance at your mouth yet again.
No reason to deny it. You glanced at the phone to confirm your hopes. It was early. Enough so to spend a little bit longer in bed. Perfect.
āFor now, yes,ā meeting his gaze with a half-smile of your own.
Quickly untangling from the current position to provide yourself with more options. Not that he would mind how you would go about it. He never did.
āCare to share?ā the want written clearly on his face, nothing but an invitation.
No verbal response needed as you straddled his lap and kissed him eagerly. Your hands followed, inching up his shirt and giving more places to study. The look full of curiosity and excitement in the blue eyes only providing more reasons to continue. More kisses. Hands exploring the familiar territory, waking up the desire, and raising the temperature. A quick fix for the addiction. Breathless moans and groans, breaking the silence of the morning hours. Gathering the courage to do what you wanted never felt this sweet.
***
Whenever Neil was busy with assigned work or training, you would wander the ship looking for something to do. A way to pass the time without triggering worrying thoughts or staring at the plans for the hundredth time. Two days were still left. And the objective was to survive them as peacefully as possible given the circumstances. You were owed as much.
That morning your feet carried you to the bridge. The quiet space offering a perfect place to settle down with the coffee and a blanket on your lap. With the panoramic windows giving an excellent view of the horizon, you could comfortably stare at the endless sky and sea. That close to the Siberian shores the only land visible were the occasional Russian islands, partially covered with snow or laid with grassy steppes. Otherwise, the emptiness could be easily overwhelming. Silence deafening. No soul nearby not belonging to your party of agents and soldiers willing to save the world from the bomb that could still go off. (Or did it already?) It was thoughts like those that caused most drama. Tiny brain worms rooting deep inside to come out at night and bother you with difficult questions and uncertainties. An ideal spark for anxiety.
Too lost in your head, you never heard the airlock open.
āMorningā you looked up, startled to see Kat take off the oxygen mask.
āHi,ā you grinned, suddenly relieved to have company.
She hesitated, eyeing your set up on the sofa and then the scene outside of the window.
āMay I join?ā upon your nod, she smiled and joined you on the settee, noticing wistfully, āThe view from my porthole isnāt half this goodā
You observed as she took in the scenery, large blue eyes full of wonder.
āThis is quite something elseā¦ā you added, gaze coming back to the picturesque view.
The comfortable silence stretching out for a few minutes, when sudden thought prompted you to speak up:
āI never came to thank you for helping me back then-ā the incoming apology stopped with a hand resting on your knee.
āDonāt mention it,ā the reassuring smile shutting up the worries, āIt was the least I could doā another pat on your knee before her grin turned wicked, āWhereās Neil?ā
Caught. If it was not due to your accurate portrayal of the deer stuck in headlights, it was probably the blush that confirmed her thesis. There was no reason to pretend.
āHeās got shooting practice,ā feigning nonchalance, you wondered aloud, āHow do youā¦?ā the question not needing finalization.
The look on Katās face nothing short of welcoming.
āI saw you on the deck during the Northern Lights,ā the explanation tinting your cheeks darker āYou were stood close, away from everyone else. And then you looked at him and kept on staring as though he was more beautiful than the Aurora to youā rightā¦your breath hitched, the realization hitting with a needed kick, āI noticed you leave right after, hands holding tightlyā¦ā she trailed off, the knowing smile gracing her lips.
More beautiful than the auroraā¦ yes, definitely. Finding words again, you chose to be honest. She saw you at your worst, offered a shoulder to lean on and a spark to light the flickering hope. To say that you were grateful was an understatement.
āWeāve managed to talk it out. Turns out he was just an idiot trying to save me while willing to ignore his feelingsā thoughtlessly, a smile appeared on your face; joy uncontainable āYou were right, he loves me,ā
It still felt strange to say it. Even though it was true. The last time Neil told you as much was less than an hour ago. A parting affirmation as he was putting on the pullover and leaving your cabin. The new normal.
āAs he should,ā Kat grinned, optimism in her eyes exhilarating, āYou both deserve happinessā you mirrored her smile, taking a sip from the abandoned coffee cup in a bliss-like daze, āFrom what Iāve seen the last few daysā¦ youāre giving him everything he was missingā the addition making your grin wider, the dangerous hope unstoppable.
Both of you went silent then, pondering on the view and what could be said. Silence comfortably stretching out and giving you a sense of companionship that you missed. While sharing thoughts and feelings with Neil was like second nature, sometimes you wished for somebody else to talk to. It was that necessity of being candid that prompted the confession:
āI like to believe that maybe now things will turn out alright somehowā¦ but itās difficult to keep it up with whatever awaits us at Stalsk,ā the reminder settling with the anxiety cast all over your mind and heart.
The sombre turn of the conversation seemingly alright with Kat, for she eyed you closely before speaking up:
āNeil told me youāre going with him on the special unitā it was an observation.
But one that needed confirmation. The possibility to discuss it with her suddenly sounding like something you desperately wanted but never dared dream of.
āYeah, I have toā a nod if only to reassure yourself, āMaybe itās crazy, but Iāve got a feeling that I should be there. That itās where Iām supposed to end upā words ringing out in the quiet space with defiance āAnd do whatever will be necessary to help him get out unscathedā the unsaid hanging over you, bestowing imperceptible shadow.
Kat looked at you thoughtfully; the quiet observation weighed with thousands of things that could be said. Finally, she ended the scrutiny and turned back to the horizon, breaking the silence with a comment:
āAfter everything Iāve seen, thatās far from crazy,ā low chuckle permeating the space with a sense of faked lightness, āIām more concerned about that part with whatever will be necessaryā¦ā the emphasis making your cheeks turn a darker shade.
Of course. She would understand what you meant. It is the only way. The belief in that one statement giving enough courage to defend your position:
āI know how it sounds. And perhaps its emotions talkingā¦ but he must surviveā hiding the rising wave of emotions, you finished the lukewarm coffee, stubbornly staring at the edge of the navy sea covered with waves.
Anything but to face the attentive gaze. In the fear of losing the conviction. There was no time to falter now. Whatever would happen, you had to proceed with the plan. If not for yourself, then for Neil.
āEven if that means your sacrifice?ā the question asked with a neutral tone.
The meaning simple. Taken by surprise, you looked up to meet the blue eyes staring at you inquisitively. There was no point in lying. It was another thing that you pondered on often. The question of what if. What if it comes to it and youāll have to choose between your life and Neilās? The answer was undeniable. Even if unspeakable.
āYes,ā a nod to assert it with all your might, āAnd I know he sees things the sameā¦ he told me that itās why heās doing it. To make sure the world wonāt end taking me with itā you added, as though to validate your statement.
To show her that it was not only you who was that crazy. That perhaps what you have is something extraordinary. Worth more than anyone else can understand. Judging by the glimmer in Katās eyes, she knew what you were trying to say.
āIāve only encountered love like that in fiction,ā a hint of a melancholic smile on her face tugging at your heart with force.
Desperately searching for something else to say, you remembered everything Neil told you about her. Of why you were very much alike even if it did not seem so at first sight.
āYouāre willing to go to similar lengths for your son. Max, right?ā uncertain about the name, you hesitated.
She nodded, her expression turned serious, eyes showing the steely resilience you have seen before. A strong woman willing to do anything to save her son.
āYes, I thinkā¦ Iām not sure whatās going to happen on that bloody yacht butā¦ā you watched as she searched for the right words, hands clenched tightly in her lap, āIāll do what must be done to make sure Andrei doesnāt win this oneā her tone turning cold, determination resounding through every syllable āHeās done enough harm,ā
It was the flash of resignation passing through her gaze that caused another heartbreak. Suddenly you wished for nothing but a reckoning. Vengeance against this horrible man and the tortures he has inflicted upon Kat.
āIām sorry,ā words rolling off your tongue for the lack of anything better.
Instantly, you cursed your awkwardness, ready to come up with something different, when a hand placed on your forearm stopped the panicked stream of thoughts.
āDonāt be,ā she squeezed your palm quickly before saying, āI hate it when people look at me with pity. The poor woman who married a monster. I want to be seen as a victor, not a victim,ā the confession carrying with it a rising sense of strength.
Because she certainly was a victor. Someone to admire for the resistance and unyielding force of will. To be good and to put her sonās life before hers. That was something to aspire to. A quote from a few years back resonated through your head as you commented:
āNevertheless, she persisted,ā the mysterious smile spreading on your lips upon seeing Katās surprise.
And then she beamed. Gratefulness better than anything else you could ask for.
āYes, exactly,ā a nod, hope shining bright in her eyes, āMaybe this is my chance,ā
Using the quiet moment, she stood up and wandered over to the panoramic window. The sun has begun to shine through the low clouds, adding a little more charm to the view. A tiny bit of optimism. Because maybeā¦ With her back turned to you and the increasing sense of courage, you spoke up:
āYouāve already won. Youāve survived a wound like thatā¦ and youāre here, free from him. That for me is being victoriousā finishing the sentence, you wavered.
When Kat turned back to face you with a smile full of gratitude and eyes shining with happy tears, you knew it was worth it.
***
The early afternoon before the very last night proceeding the battle was difficult. Left to your own devices, you have been idly sitting in the cabin, pondering on the various ways to stop the anxious thoughts. Even for a minute. But all the ways you could come up with either involved seeking out Neil, who has been hired to give the soldiers a quick physics-related pep talk, brushing up on their inverted combat skills and how to survive on the battlefield when the forces of gravity work against you. The other coping method you came up with had to do with spending hours in the shooting ground again. And there were hardly any bullets left for training, with stocks reserved strictly for operational use. Limits set by yourself as per order. Not omittable.
That is how you have found yourself setting up the hastily packed speaker (because why not?) in the small sparring ground in the training zone. You have changed into comfortable sweatpants and a tank top, deciding to use up the excess of energy in chilled solo sparring of sorts. It mostly consisted of finding proper bops and prancing around the space, trying out different kicks and punches Ives taught you. It was easy to get lost, feeling the rhythm, setting the pace, and choosing the right kind of moves to deal with the invisible opponents. A backfist here, roundhouse kick there. An attempt at a flying kick just because the guitar solo got you a little bit too entranced. That one ended with a groan, face flat on the mat. Thankfully there was no one to see.
You got lost in the movement, music drowning out everything else, until it was just you, your body in the fluid movements and the breaths punctuating the silence. Aiming a perfect backhander, you turned around only to freeze when your eyes landed on the intruder leaning on the plastic screen separating the spaces. Impeccable grin and a shrug answering your wide gaze. Blue eyes appreciatively sweeping across your body. Nothing new there for him. You stared back, heavy breaths catching up after minutes of intense practice. After what seemed like an eternity, Neilās smile widened as he pushed himself up and crossed the distance.
Hands landing on your waist, without a second wasted, he pulled you closer, forcefully enough to draw out a startled yelp. That was rather unexpected. You barely had time to comprehend anything when he kissed you with hunger. On reflex, your hands tangled in the hair at the nape of his neck as you opened your mouth to let him in. Teeth clanked when Neil reached out for more than you could offer, breath caught in your throat, unprepared for something like this. The need resonating through your tangled bodies as you let the stream of feelings take you under. Temperance forgotten as Neil tugged on your lower lip, bruising the skin and softening the damage with his tongue. You moaned, the sound getting lost in the haze of sudden frenzy. As though you were bound to die tomorrow, and this was the last chance to show each other the love you feel.
It was that thought that prompted you to break away. In search of oxygen mostly.
āWowā¦ā you gazed up at him, feigning nonchalance, āThought we agreed on no PDA in the public spaces,ā the stern glare breaking underneath the lovesick smile you could not hold back.
Because, after a kiss like that, how could you?
Neil shrugged, keeping his hands firmly on your waist, thumb gently stroking your side through the shirt. There was no remorse in those eyes, only fondness, and mischief. Whatever brought him here was bound to end in trouble. Perhaps that was the distraction you were seekingā¦
āItās not my fault youāre stood here looking like thisā another admiring look over your figure, finishing with a quirked smile and a pull to bring you closer once again.
It was difficult to deny him anything.
āLike what?ā arching an eyebrow you searched his eyes for clues.
Up close, you could fully marvel at his long eyelashes and the exact colour of his eyes. The darker rim encircling the blue-grey depths, pulling you in and making you fall even harder. You always should have known that it was inevitable. There was no escape from eyes like those.
āIrresistible,ā the word, falling from his lips in a pious whisper.
Inches left between your faces, gravity doing its work in bringing your nearer. Nothing left to do but breach the gap and kiss him, another way of thanking him for the compliment and getting the fix for the addiction. Now there was no need to hold back, after all.
āHuhā¦ā you grinned, catching your breath once more, āHow did you find me?ā taking a step back to stop the temptation.
Because perhaps that was enough. The rest could continue in the privacy of your room. Whatever that might be.
āIntuition, mostlyā Neil swept his gaze around the room, focusing on the speaker laying in the corner āAnd a little bit of luck since only you could be listening to āBig in Japanā while trainingā his eyes narrowed, cheeky smirk dangling in the corner of his mouth.
Ah. The song choice coming back with a vengeance as you blushed for no reason.
āWhatās wrong with Alphaville? Thatās a banger,ā the defence coming with an unnecessary but satisfying push aimed at the center of his chest.
Working perfectly, if the surprised gasp was anything to go by. He only needed a second to recover, the sparks in his eyes telling you that the response was bound to be quite something, and you better prepare.
āIām not saying itās not. Only that this is very much in character for the woman Iām honoured to call my girlfriendā a wink perfecting the delivery.
Yep, on point. Your face warmed up a notch, happiness almost incomprehensible.
āAināt you smugā masking the softness with sarcasm, you attempted a harsh glare.
However, all the intent crumbled the moment your speaker started playing the next song via shuffle. The soft piano, opening the ballad with a flourish. Nothing but corniness of the 90s and a love song to defy any other. As Bryan Adams started singing out the first lines in his husky tone, you groaned. Fuck you, Spotify.
āI didnāt take you to be this sentimentalā Neil eyed you closely, mirth betrayed by the barely contained laughter.
Using the weapon you have been hoarding for too long, you aimed to school your features before noticing:
āWellā¦ wise man once told me that weāve all got our weaknessesā¦ā the meaningful gaze doing the job as Neil grinned.
āVery wise, indeed,ā the self-satisfied expression only deepening.
Before you could perceive his movements, he closed the distance, took your hand in his, and placed the other palm on your shoulder blade. Following instincts you did not even know you had, you hastily put your hand on his bicep in the ballroom dance position you have seen on tv. What the hell.
āWhat are you doing?ā question coming out breathless as you stumbled to fall into the correct steps following his lead.
Lead to a slow waltz, of all things.
āUsing the opportunity,ā Neil adjusted the pace, letting you feel the rhythm before continuing, āHavenāt you ever dreamt of waltzing with the love of your life in a glitzy ballroom?ā
It was the nonchalance that caught you. The way he said it without a stutter. As though he has used the words before, perhaps in the quiet of his mind or in a conversation.
āMaybe I have,ā forcing the doubts to shut up you chose the noncommittal answer for the moment.
Letting your eyes speak instead as you met his steady gaze. A flash of a gentle smile and a thumb tenderly stroking your shoulder blade. Calming down and grounding within the moment.
āI know I did,ā the affirmation added to the mix, complete with the kiss on your forehead.
'Look into your heart ā you will find
There's nothin' there to hide
Take me as I am, take my life
I would give it all, I would sacrifice'
Bryan Adams kept on crooning as you moved slowly across the room. The relatable meaning of the words sung out making you hide your head in the crook of Neilās neck, disrupting the formality of your position. Turning the waltz into a slow dance by making Neil pull you closer. He tightened his hold, fingers carefully stroking your skin, the contact keeping up the spark alive. A few more slides across space, your feet following his without hesitation. The synchronization perfect in the matched tempo. It was surprisingly easy to find the right rhythm; perhaps the chemistry did its work in that aspect too.
It was only once the song has reached the guitar solo part that you have managed to break the comfortable silence with a comment:
āThis isā¦ nice,ā the adjective being the only one you could come up with.
All the other words disappearing one by one, dissolved in the wave of feelings. Happiness, most of all. And love you never imagined existing, let alone to experience. Neil chuckled lowly, his chin resting comfortably on the top of your head.
āMhmmā¦ Remember how weāve first met?ā the question catching you off guard.
Enough to miss one step and earn a little ātskā from him.
āOf course, why?ā the audacity of the assumption frustrating.
As if. Because even now, you sometimes found yourself reminiscing on that day. The conversation, seemingly innocent, and yet have led you to this point. To everything you did not even know you were missing but now could not live without.
āEven thenā¦ when we were chatting over the coffee, I was intrigued,ā the wistfulness in Neilās voice causing long-forgotten questions to resurface.
You have never discussed that day in detail. But maybe that would be the chance. Gathering up the courage, you waited until you have completed the spin around the room to admit:
āMe tooā¦ Iāve always wonderedā¦ what was it when youāve eyed me and said Iāll pass the training without issues? Just flirting?ā curiosity creeping into your voice.
Not going unnoticed and acknowledged with a thoughtful hum. That was another thing you have thought of. Back then, his gaze only increased the interest. Now, knowing it was not only you that had many impressions after the meeting, it was harder to ignore.
āThat was one of the few times when I broke my own rules of looking at people objectivelyā the explanation given with the needed depth āI always try to be respectableā¦ to see everyone for their minds rather than their bodiesā unasked, your heart let out a painful thump in awe over him āBut with you, I- I guess my fascination got ahead of meā sudden shyness surprising, causing you to disrupt the dance by freezing in the spot āI was right, in the endā Neil met your questioning gaze with an apologetic expression.
That alone vouching for a kiss and a reassuring squeeze of a hand. You gladly accepted an invitation back into his embrace and another slow dance. Spotify proving itself useful with the next song choice ā āForever Youngā. By Alphaville, again.
Neilās snicker was met with a glare on your side and a light step on his foot, for good measure. It took you another few seconds to let the doubts speak up again:
āWas that really enough for you to see me? That one afternoon?ā once the questions started, there was no end to them in your mind.
āYes,ā no hesitation on his side āTrust me, I was surprised too, but with every passing day I was thinking about you more. And now I know whyā a nuzzle to the top of your head before he asked, āWhat about you?ā inquisitiveness almost hidden by the neutral tone.
Might as well show your hand. Laying a small kiss on the side of his neck, you began:
āIām not sureā¦ I was curious about youā an understatement but always something, āYou seemed so different and charming, like no one Iāve ever met before. And obviously, I had to acknowledge that youāre handsome as hell butā¦ then I saw you flirt with Anna, and I thought that youāre one of thoseā the admission coming out with the resigned edge you did not fully intend.
It was quickly extinguished with a spectacular dip and a pirouette that managed to knock the breath out of your lungs and the thoughts out of your brain. Nothing but Neil left. As usual.
āI seeā¦ mind you, I was flirting with her only because I didnāt know how to talk to you yetā he carried on the conversation without a hitch.
Interesting.
āDid it matter?ā you raised your head to be able to see his face for this one.
As though he was expecting scrutiny, Neil met your gaze with a steady look and a confident smile.
āSurprisingly, yes. I didnāt want you to get the wrong idea,ā the intensity of the eye contact increasing.
The song starting to fade out amidst its 80s glory, the last of the synthesizer giving out its swan song with the needed cringe. Your dance slowing down to a small two-step, prolonging the moment a little longer.
āWhich would be?ā another question, because why the hell not.
Using your momentum, Neil slipped his fingers underneath the strap of your tank top, grin widening once he realised the lack of bra. The familiar sparks, making you wonder about wherever this was bound to lead you. About what could happen. A vague idea formed in your head, needing only closure to the chat.
āThat Iām not serious,ā Neilās response bringing you back to the moment.
All the movement stopping, leaving you standing in an embrace in the middle of the space.
āAre you?ā just a final test.
Even though you did not need an answer, everything that happened within the last days proving time and time again that he was in it hundred percent. That finally you have found the one.
āVery much so, my loveā stepping out of the hold, Neil tipped your chin.
The depth of adoration in his gaze only bringing out fierce blush and the deepening softness threatening to make you melt on the spot from too many feelings and too much happiness coursing through your veins. Enough. For now.
You grinned at Neil as a means of accepting his answer and took a definitive step away from him, noticing the curious look on his face. Ignoring it for the moment, you quickly searched through the library to pick up something a little more appropriate. And less cringe. As you pressed play on the right playlist and faced Neil again, the smile you saw told you he had ideas towards your next suggestion:
āDo you want to join me for a little sparring?ā you approached him slowly, the unexpected nerves making an appearance, āWeāve never done that together, and maybeā¦ you can say no of course but-ā as you faltered, the plan seemed to make less and less sense every passing second.
Because perhaps there was a reason why he never suggested it. Or perhaps, it was not something he would want to do with you, his girlfriend, of all people. Maybe-
āIād love to,ā the answering smile reassuring enough to let you know that all your issues have been noticed, āDonāt pull your punches just because itās meā Neil closed the gap and took your hand in his with a wink.
There was no way of stopping that grin from appearing on your face. Tightening the hold over his hand, you made sure to put on the most intimidating expression in your arsenal.
āYou wish, sunshine,ā a kiss on the cheek just because, followed by a wink to tip off his mirroring smile.
Let the games begin or something. You watched as Neil took off the pullover, leaving him in the t-shirt, and joined you on the mat. The final thought was that this sort of activity could end in many ways. Some of them rather intriguing. However, all distractions had to be left behind if you were to win this one. Which was easier said than done, as you eyed your opponent, coming up with the strategy. Because of those damned blue eyes and fascinating body proportions that were hard to ignore, no matter the circumstances.
With the final nod, it began. You crossed the space to aim a kick at Neilās shin, using the element of surprise and height difference. As you hit the mark, he let out a surprised yelp and glared at you offendedly. A giggle escaped your throat as you made sure to put up the guard, expecting retaliation to follow. And it did. A lighter kick in your ankle, and then an attempt at punch towards your shoulder. That one, thankfully blocked, with your rendition of the shooting daggers.
The sparring followed this rhythm for a couple of minutes, drenching your shirt with sweat and increasing the adrenaline with every move. As it proved, Neil was an excellent partner for that too. Your dynamic working perfectly as you bounced off the different techniques and styles, learning from each other in progress. Soon it became a matter of prediction, of staring at him intently to determine the very next step and to block it efficiently. A few mistakes resulted in bruises here and there, but it was nothing compared to the elation flowing through your veins. The occasional compliments and teases interrupted the flow, bringing out more feelings than you ever deemed possible to exist. At once. Joy, excitement, fatigue, and desire slowly combining into the strangest mix inside your head.
Because one thing was certain ā it was increasingly difficult to ignore the way it felt when Neil got close. His strong arms, usually acting as your refuge, now a barrier you had to get through to win this battle. The closeness intoxicating as you tried to wrestle out of his hold, imposed by using the moment of hesitation on your side. But then who was to blame you for getting lost in his eyes? Again. With his chest pressed against your back and the forearms blocking any form of movement, you decided to put it all on the card of fate, hooking your leg around his in an attempt at a backflip taught by Ives. That was another fatal mistake.
You only realised how badly you have fucked up when you opened your eyes to see Neil peering down at you with the most annoying of grins painted on his face. Eyes sparkling with satisfaction that certainly should not be there. Shit. He got you pinned to the mat with hands trapping you underneath him. Not much space between your bodies. A fierce blush bloomed on your cheeks; embarrassment combined with sudden arousal once the exact placement of your limbs sunk in. The earlier misstep resulted in having your legs wound tightly around his waist and crossed over the back. Just like-
āThis position is ratherā¦ familiarā the husky whisper broke through the sudden onset of feelings and thoughts as you met his gaze.
The darkness of the irises and the boundless depths of desire you found there providing the missing piece in the puzzle. The heat turning up a notch. Unable to break the eye contact, you watched in fascination as Neil seemed to consume you on the spot. His pupils widened, betraying the feelings reigning free over his mind as he contemplated the very next move. Frozen, you could only wait helplessly, feeling the well-known tension rise, causing havoc in your head. Still, what he chose to do next, caught you off guard.
He leaned in and captured your lips in an eager kiss, easily stealing away the breath and distracting you from anything else in the whole world. As you opened your mouth for him without hesitation, Neil used the moment to strike. His tongue caressed yours in exact opposition to the way his hips jutted forward, creating friction. The surprising ploy, drawing out a gasp and making you break the kiss with a telling hiss. The answering mischievous smirk the only warning before he did it again, rocking his body forward against yours, upping up the temperature, and making the warmth pool in your lower stomach instantly. The wetness, collecting on your underwear and sticking to the skin in an impulse you could not control.
āJesus, Neil- You canāt just-ā frustration poured out in incoherent sentences as you fought for sanity.
He, naturally, took that as the cue to up his game. The deadly smile was the last thing you saw before he bowed down, tongue darting out to lick down your neck and then cover the space with kisses. A groan escaped through your lips as you grabbed onto his biceps in search of support. A logical part of the brain told you to stop the madness (and drag him to your room to continue), but that voice could be barely heard through the overwhelming haze. More kisses, teeth grazing over the skin, hands slipping underneath your top, and using the lack of bra to cause more drama.
The added touch onto your breasts was what defeated the sanity and caused you to roll your hips against his, matching up the tempo in the frantic attempts at getting something out of it.
āFuckā heaving out the curse, you could not stop the moan caused by Neil sucking on your pulse point below the ear.
All the reasons against continuing something this good disappeared one by one. The synced-up movement, making you breathless within seconds. The arousal, seeping through the underwear, only increasing with the way you could feel Neil react to it as well. The telling signs of his lust rubbing off against your crotch upon every thrust. Getting ever harder to ignore with sounds breaking up the forgotten sparring soundtrack.
āThat good?ā Neilās question dripping with need as he rasped out the words upon your hungry kiss stolen in the moment of eagerness.
No point in holding back now. Grasping onto his chin to stop him from distracting you with yet another trick, you made sure to show the extent of want raging in your veins:
āIt would be without all the bloody clothes in the wayā piecing the sentence, you huffed with dissatisfaction.
Because after something like this, you wanted him. No, needed him. Anything to finally release the tension and catch the high. Because, as you began to discover, it was too easy to get addicted to him. To the pleasure, he always seemed happy to give you. To being wanted and needed like never before.
Even now, Neil seemed entranced, eyes searching your face for something. Whatever he needed, you delivered with the want in the unguarded look, for he grinned and nudged your nose with his.
āI like seeing you this needy, darlingā choosing no mercy whatsoever he stole yet another hungry kiss.
All the while keeping up the friction. As if you could ignore the feelings building up for a minute longer.
Using the opportunity, you caught his bottom lip between your teeth and tugged at it with force. Drawing out blood and groans. A punishment. To strengthen the effect, you made sure to tangle your fingers in his hair, imposing light pressure. Enough to make him suffer a little more, but not as bad as to make him more predatory. That was another thing learned in the past days. You were right Neil had a hair thing. And using it right could work to your advantage. With satisfaction, you broke the kiss and watched as he opened his eyes, unfocused gaze and shallow breaths giving the needed bravery.
āBastard,ā you whispered and used his moment of hesitation to initiate the retaliation.
The answering smug smile giving more reasons to push on with the plan. With the full attention provided, you slowly licked your lips. A trick that always worked, making Neil stare with that same look of starvation hidden in his eyes. It was the confidence you were seeking to hook your leg around his and find the impetus to complete the switch in one smooth attempt.
It worked. You comfortably straddled his lap, pinning him to the floor. Only a shocked gasp told you he caught up with the change. You met his gaze smugly, using the new position to run your fingers up and down his chest, light teasing included in the act of vengeance. The answering groan more than gratifying, making you even happier to give him the taste of his own medicine and roll your hips forward.
āI like this new development,ā Neil breathed out the comment, hands settling on your hips, āYou know what, though? Iād love to see you snap one day. Get annoyed by my antics and punish meā it was the way he said it that made you freeze with one hand already underneath his shirt.
As though it was exactly what he wanted. Interestingā¦
āIs that what youāre into?ā arching one eyebrow, you trailed your nails over the skin on his chest.
Watching the goosebumps with fascination. The light bruises on the sides reminding you of the morning the day prior and the sudden passion that resulted in marks all over your bodies.
āIām into you, but yes,ā Neil observed you with strange pensiveness, āEven a man like me needs to be dominated from time to time,ā the challenge in his eyes already inspiring scenarios within your mind.
āThat can be sorted thenā you winked and used that moment to stand up, leaving him on the floor with mouth open wide.
Perfect. Grinning, you brushed off the dust from your clothes and strode over to the speaker, ignoring Neil pointedly. Only an exasperated sigh told you he managed to pick himself up. Using the towel, you wiped off the remains of sweat from your brow and turned back to him with a neutral expression:
āIāll go shower,ā you quickly eyed him, taking in the ruffled hair and flushed cheeks, āIād ask you to join meā¦ but I donāt want to traumatise anyone using the communal bathroom for thatā a meaningful look making sure he understood.
The slight double-take all the needed confirmation. Neil swallowed hard, as though the suggestion was enough to make the images appear before his eyes. But then he flashed you a confident smile.
āFret not once weāre back home, weāll catch up on that. Iāve got that spacious shower for a reason,ā a tiny shrug as though to make you remember.
Right. Another thing to add to the bucket list, no doubt. However, for now, you were not done with the taunting. He did deserve it.
āI seeā¦ do you often use it for those kinds of purposes?ā draping the towel around your neck, you strolled towards him with an inquisitive look.
Another shrug. Hands reaching out to be placed on your waist and to draw you closer, keeping that one metre of space just for show. His eyes searched yours with feigned nonchalance before responding:
āNot really. But with you, I want to change that up a little. After all, Iāve got to convince you that having sex with you is wonderful,ā followed with a nose nudge and a smirk.
For once, there was no shyness. Mirroring his moves, you put your hands on his sides, thumbs slowly stroking the hipbones, pulling him closer. Once your bodies were flush against each other, you grinned:
āMutuallyā and then, upon noticing the well-known beat coming from the speaker, āOne might even say youāve brought the sexy backā a wink, using the lack of inhibitions in the air.
The answering gaping mouth and eyes widened in shock were good enough indicators that whatever this mood was, it should continue. After a second of confusion, Neil started laughing hysterically, collapsing against you with ease:
āā¦ Jesus Christ,ā he choked out the words, drawing you into a skewed hug if only to preserve the closeness.
The sudden outburst of happiness was not controllable even if you wanted. Giggling quietly, you waited for him to calm down, running your fingers up his back in a soothing manner. Once his laughs eased, you whispered:
āSorry, blame that on JTā an apologetic shrug followed with a chaste kiss pressed to his temple.
The cheerful sparks in his eyes, telling all you could need to know. Thanks, universe.
āNo, I love itā Neilās words brought you back to the present moment as he took your hands in his āI love you,ā the sincere confession breaking up the ridiculous atmosphere with tenderness.
āYou betterā your smile widened as you squeezed his hands in a non-verbal response.
It was only once you were heading out of the room, after at least three passionate kisses and some more infatuated gazing, that Neil chose to pick up the abandoned line of teasing.
āMake sure to think of me during your showerā you turned around, mouth open wide āFor inspiration. Iāll be waitingā there was no mistaking the look in his eyes or the intentions behind it.
There was nothing left to do but walk out with cheeks burning red and head too empty to do anything but what he proposed.
For a good purpose, as the afternoon then showed you.
***
With the night falling on the last day before the fourteenth and the battle, you could feel the internal darkness creeping with every passing hour. By the early bedtime, there was nowhere to hide. Laying on the bed and waiting for Neil to come back from his shower, you could do nothing but stare at the ceiling blankly. Thousands of worries, questions, and scenarios multiplying in your head, threatening to steal away the remains of peace. It felt as though the curtain has fallen over your blissful days, leaving nothing but uncertainty. Because God knows what would happen at Stalsk. The plan was one thing, perfect execution - a different one.
With lungs failing to expand properly you considered getting up and marching outside to let the cold air give you something else to worry about. That is when the door to your cabin finally opened, and Neil walked in. A sight for sore eyes personified. Mindless of your struggles, he sent you a smile before placing the morning outfit on the chair. It became a ritual of sorts, with him bringing back the change of clothes to prolong the waking up period and stay in bed with you. Despite the anxiety rising exponentially, you could not help but smile at the tradition upheld on the eve of the battle. You watched in silence as he took off trousers and placed his phone on the bedside table. It was only once he sat down on the bed and faced you with fondness in his eyes that you knew the act of staring has been caught.
āAlright?ā Neil reached out and tipped your chin to make sure you could not hide.
Gently his fingers caressed your jaw and down the neck, soothing the nerves and asserting his presence. You leaned into his touch and whispered the white lie:
āYeahā¦ā desperate to extend the bliss even a second longer, you joked lightly, āWas beginning to worry youāve decided to ditch me tonightā shifting forward, you rested your forehead against his.
Closing your eyes and letting the feeling of being wanted envelope you in its sweet embrace.
āYou wish,ā the tint of joy in his voice adding on to the perfection of the moment, āThereās no getting rid of me that easilyā Neil tucked the hair behind your ear, stroking your temple slowly in the process.
It felt almost unreal to have someone love you like that. So carefully, yet with a passion that did not seem to wane. The only thing left was to believe it. And let your feelings lead the way. You opened your eyes to find Neil staring back with the softest of smiles gracing his features. That was enough to whisper back the answer:
āWhat a shame,ā and capture his lips in a hungry kiss.
Knowing the moves by heart, you have tangled your fingers in his hair and opened the mouth to deepen the kiss. It was always too simple, an act of devotion and a drug you could not imagine giving up. Each brush of his tongue against yours bringing sparks of electricity and pleasure, a promise of so much more only waiting to be taken.
Without breaking up the contact, you shifted to lie on top of Neil, stealing small pecks interrupted with smiles and sighs. Not knowing what bliss feels like, you assumed it must be like this. Because nothing seemed to come close to the feeling of being loved and wanted by him. To feeling the steady heartbeat as you pressed up against him in the closest of embraces. To having him grin against your mouth, interrupting the kisses with happy giggles, and stroking your back underneath the shirt in a simple act of tenderness.
It was once you felt his touch tread onto that well-known territory bridging the line between want and intimacy that you leaned back to meet his gaze. Slight confusion found in the blue eyes as you fell back onto your side and took his hand in yours:
āCan weā¦ not do this tonight?ā the tentative whisper broke the silence as your nerves spoke up again.
Because despite never having enough of Neil, tonight you wanted something innocent. Something easy. Asking for it felt almost wrong as if it could be too much. With the countless worries anchoring within your mind, you focused all your attention on studying his hand attentively. The thin scars scattered across the skin. Neatly trimmed fingernails and elegant fingers betraying the sensitive nature of the man you loved without any inhibitions. Neil as always noticed the sudden shyness, for he kissed you on the forehead before answering:
āOf course,ā the affirmation given without a stutter, as he retracted his palm from underneath your clothes, āWhat do you need?ā with the free hand cupping your cheek, he forced you to meet his gaze again.
Concern and affection. All the needed encouragement to speak your mind. To reach out for everything he wanted to give you.
āHold me, please,ā forcing out an uncertain smile, you wound your arms around his waist, snuggling in to find the perfect position.
But it was not enough.
āHow do you want me?ā the question asked with the glimmer in his eyes that told you he remembered the night from London.
Months ago, while also something that has not happened yet. Linearly, that is.
āCloserā this time, the answer could not have been simpler.
Neil accepted it with a hint of a smug smile as he pulled you close. Spreading his legs for yours to fit in-between. Hips flush against each other, heartbeat synced. Hands clinging to the warmth of your skin, his lips pressed against your temple. No inch of space left. Exactly as you needed.
With the brain strangely quiet, you breathed in his scent, letting the reality catch up. Yours. The soothing warmth of the embrace and solidity of his body underneath your fingertips making you feel safe. Even if only for the moment.
A short moment? Prompted by the harsh reminder of time running out mercilessly, you tensed and splayed your hand over his heart. A clear signal for Neil to tighten the hold and nuzzle your temple. Waiting for the words to come spilling out of your heart.
And they did.
āI- Thereās so much goddamn noise in my head, and itās beginning to drive me madā after finishing the sentence breathlessly, you hid your face in the crook of his neck.
Smelling the bergamot and hints of your perfume, increasing the love held within your system. Following the instincts, Neil started running his fingertips up the curve of your spine, giving you something to focus on. The steadiness of the movement grounding you back in the present.
āItās okay, Iām here,ā the soft tone melting the edges of sharp blades penetrating your mind with anxiety, āI canāt stop the thoughts, but Iāll make sure you know Iām not going anywhere,ā confirming the meaning, he took hold of your hand lying on his chest and laced the fingers.
Another way of showing support. Of letting you believe your luck. Nothing left but to press a kiss to his neck and whisper:
āThank youā¦ Weāll be alright, wonāt we?ā the question forcing itself on your tongue.
Because it was all that mattered. For you and Neil to survive. To have time to love each other. Butā¦ tomorrow is promised to no one. The counterarguments preparing to strike with force as they assembled at the bottom of your heart. You could die tomorrow. That was a fact, as true as the knowledge that the world could end. The bomb could go off. This could be the last moment of peace you would have. And there was no way of knowing whether it was. The fear creeping in with nothing to stop it.
āI hope so,ā as though sensing the growing unease, Neil raised your joined hands to his lips, kissing your knuckles.
You need not look at him to know what you would find in his beautiful eyes. It was the knowledge of feelings reciprocated that gave you the courage to speak the truth. To reassert what he already knew. Just because it could be the last time.
āEarlier today, after weāveā¦ Iāve realised thatā¦ Iāve never been more in love,ā stumbling through the sentence, you whispered the confession against his skin, āAnd I donāt want it to endā a deep breath to gain back the momentum āI need you, Neil. Youāre everything I haveā¦ā you faltered, feeling tears blur the edges of your vision.
As if your heart knew something you did not. As if being this vulnerable was the trigger you were seeking. There was much more you could tell him, but no words were found for it. Instead, you felt the embrace tighten as Neil kissed the tip of your ear tenderly.
āWeāll be alright, my love,ā the endearment getting lost in the quietest of sniffles āIāll make sure of itā he hesitated, the edge of your breakdown impacting him too with the emotions betrayed in every syllable, āAnd I donāt know if it needs saying, butā¦ Youāre my everything too. Iām not going to give up on us,ā the definitive promise offering all the strength for you to raise your head.
Tears shining in your eyes as your gazes met. Worth fighting for.
***
The feeling of safety gave way to worries not longer than an hour after you finally gave in to sleep. Gasping, you opened your eyes in a flash after a particularly terrifying and confusing nightmare full of inverted rounds and ticking bombs. Blindly you rolled over to the side where you would usually find Neil, only for your hands to clutch at nothingness. Shit. The realization working better than any alarm clock as you sat up and turned on the lamp.
Empty room. Darkness outside. Neilās phone left by the bed. Next to it a piece of paper torn out of a notebook:
āCouldnāt sleep. Find me on the bridge if you need me. Yours, N.ā
The initial tugged on your heartstrings as you quickly made up your mind. It was only past one. And there was hardly any chance of going to sleep now. Without him by your side and with the brain haunted by terrifying dreams. You stood up and quickly got dressed in the hoodie he left the day before and joggers.
The moment you stepped outside the cabin corridor, the silence and cold hit you with their starkness. Usually, at this hour, the icebreaker would be alive with the sounds of the crew and troops getting ready for the night. There would be groups chatting in the mess or the galley. Soldiers catching late-night sparring sessions or betting on who would get more bullseye shots at the shooting range. Not tonight, though.
Without stumbling upon a single soul, you walked over to the bridge. Cold hands clutched together in the hoodie pocket. Untangling only to deal with the zip by the airlock.
Once you crossed the threshold, you knew you were in the right place. The silence finally interrupted with voices. Most importantly, with the sound of Neil explaining something in those soft tones that always brought you peace. The darkness of the room enlightened by the single fluorescent above the empty table. Kat was sat in the chair opposite him, focused on what he was saying. As you took off the oxygen mask with a quiet sigh, they both turned to you. Neil brightened up in a flash, a soft smile lightening up his face as he reached out for your hand. You sent Kat a shy nod as you let your boyfriend pull you down onto the sofa:
āHello,ā she grinned, giving you both a satisfied once-over.
The echo of the conversation you had the day before ringing out in the spaces between words. Nothing left but to relax into the pillows and give them both an apologetic shrug:
āHiā¦ Hope Iām not interruptingā you watched as they shared an amused look, followed by Kat getting up to make tea.
You knew instantly what this was. A moment of privacy.
āNeverā Neilās voice made you turn to him only to see the affection pouring out from his gaze.
Gently he took hold of your ice-cold hands and warmed them up between his palms with care. It was too easy to feel the love fill your chest again. As if switched back on whenever Neil was nearby. Somehow the darkness felt less frightening with him by your side. After a beat, you answered the unasked question:
āI woke up without you, andā¦ā trailing off, you looked at Kat pouring water from the kettle into the mugs.
She seemed entirely focused on the task, mindless of your conversation. Using the encouragement, you moved closer to Neil and captured his lips in a quick kiss. He responded instantly, placing his hand on your cheek to draw you nearer and take whatever you wanted to give him. This time, because of company, the contact ended in a happy sigh a few seconds later as you pressed your forehead against his for a moment. Just enough to share a look of love and a shy grin. Hearing the unmistakable sound of teaspoon clanking in the mug, you leaned back, away from him yet keeping your hands locked in the space between you on the sofa.
āSorry. I couldnāt fall asleep and didnāt want to wake you. So, I came here and stumbled upon Kat,ā Neil explained, breaking the silence and acknowledging the other woman with a sympathetic nod.
Using that line as her cue to turn back to you, Kat handed you both warm mugs. Only a grateful grin could be given before you took a sip and let the tea melt the remains of ice that settled in your chest. With the comfortable silence setting in, you asked:
āNerves?ā giving the woman a quick once over, it was easy to determine that she too has been struggling with the night-time demons.
The shadows under her eyes, hands clutching tightly at the mug as if to find comfort in the warmth it provided. Making you appreciate the hand holding yours even more than you deemed possible.
āYeah,ā Kat swallowed hard, her gaze focusing on the darkness outside āSuppose itās nothing for you, in a business like this butā¦ Iāve never had to deal with a world-ending situation. Let alone have it depend on me. Partiallyā she finished the confession with eyebrows knitted together.
āIn truthā¦ neither did Iā Neil leaned forward, the sombre look in his eyes settling on Kat, āSure there were some missions of a bigger caliber than a few boxes of inverted artillery smuggled across Scotlandā¦ but nothing exactly like thisā hiding grin caused by his answer, you took a longer sip of tea.
There was something incredibly true about him at this moment. Discussing the topics of deadly nature yet adding jokes and anecdotes to keep you all that one step away from despair. Tightening the hold over his hand, you added:
āThe grand plan,ā murmuring the words you once heard TP say, you reflected, āI bet my uni professors would never quite believe it if I told them that this is where international relations got meā feeling Neilās gaze, you turned to look at him.
A crooked smile and hair falling into his eyes. Perfection.
āMore like fate,ā he countered, thumb running over your knuckles absentmindedly.
Biting down on your lip to stop yourself from grinning too widely, you nodded:
āThat too,ā or Iād like to believe it is.
After a beat, you both faced Kat again, only to encounter her knowing smile, curling the lips with a sharp edge of steel. Then her expression softened as though realising the reality once again.
āAre you scared? Of having to do thisā¦ together?ā it was the hesitancy that helped you understand the meaning.
You knew Neil caught up too, for her moved an inch closer. Shoulder to shoulder, knees touching. No unnecessary gaps. Together. Just when you thought of answering her question, Neil cleared his throat:
āA littleā¦ Itās likeā¦ on the one hand, Iām glad weāll be on the same team, as then I can keep an eye on youā he gave you a little shoulder bump as if to accentuate the addressee, āBut then Iāve always been warned about being emotionally compromised during missions. Trouble is Iāve been compromised like that for months, at leastā an apologetic shrug to complete the sentence.
He was not even looking at you. Yet, it was too easy to understand what he meant. An excuse for the warmth to settle in your heart again. Months. More reasons to keep fighting for the future.
āSorry,ā returning the nudge, you frowned, āOn my side, ever since you came up with this idiotic idea to deal with the lock, I knew Iād follow. Because thereās no way in hell, Iād let you do it alone. But, as you say, the element of emotional compromise is there. God knows Iām terrified of whatever might happen,ā the ramblings only stopping because you have run out of breath, āItās likeā¦ when youāre young, and you want to change the world. Sometimes you even begin to believe that itās going to be your purpose. To be the hero and save the day. But most people grow out of that and never even get the chanceā ending the observation, you noticed the two pairs of eyes focused on you.
Katās light blue gaze, staring wistfully, nothing but understanding and melancholy. As if whatever you said triggered something deep within the confines of her heart. As if she was grateful.
Neil looked as though he could not quite believe you existed. As though your words made him fall even harder. And then he shook himself awake again, clutching your hand tightly.
āBut we doā he nodded lightly, offering support should you need it.
Letting you know that the fate of the world was not only on your shoulders. We. That pronoun again. In response, you could only give back the voice to those things that you still wanted to share with them:
āYes, exactly. And the child that still occupies parts of my heartā¦ sheās excited to be the hero. While grown-up me is just terrified of the stakesā staring at the dark horizon, you noticed quietly, āNever did I dream of saving the world from an inverted atomic bomb-ā
ā-Well, actually-ā Neil interjected with his picture-perfect, MA in Physics tone, making you roll your eyes affectionately.
Idiot. You exchanged an exasperated grin with Kat before stopping him from starting up a lecture about the details of the Algorithm with a hand clamped over his mouth.
āShut up, mister smarty-pantsā your smile widened at the shocked look in his eyes before you lifted your hand and continued, āBut at the same time it makes senseā¦ sort ofā faltering, you looked around the space looking for something else to say.
āI know what you mean. I never expected any of this to happen to me, but now that it didā¦ I guess I shouldāve seen it comingā Kat had your back, agreeing with your words with the same sense of apprehension in her voice.
It was easy to tell what she meant. The guilt entirely unnecessary yet unavoidable for someone this good. Your need of protest got cut short by Neil:
āKat, donāt blame yourself for not knowing what Andrei is doing. None of that is your faultā upon her pained look he gave her a reassuring smile to confirm the sentiment.
āItās easier said than doneā¦ but thank youā she offered him a weak attempt at a smile and then looked at you with sparks in her eyes, āYou got yourself quite the catch there,ā a tiny nod in the direction of the blonde man.
Indeed. Unable to stop the happiness rising in your chest, you countered her look with a smug grin of your own:
āI knowā ignoring the blush spreading across Neilās cheeks, you patted him on the head, āHeās incredible,ā an appreciative look at your boyfriend and the free hand placed on his knee.
That woke him up.
āHe? Iāve got a name, you know,ā the feigned spitefulness making a giggle rise in your throat.
Neil glared at you, the act only betrayed by the very way the corner of his mouth curled up, disrupting the frown. Forcing a poker face, you chose to just go for it:
āYes, and it sounds as though you were English pensioner spending days playing bingo on Malta,ā the slight delivered perfectly.
Gratification instantaneous, with Kat laughing hysterically in the background as you observed Neilās reaction. He froze mid inhale, eyes widened, showing nothing but confusion. And then his mouth opened to choke out:
āā¦what the-ā before he could get to the expletive of choice, the sound of the zip lock interrupted him with abruptness.
Before either of you turned to check who the newcomer was, you met Neilās bewildered gaze and shrugged. Squeezing his knee as addition and lifting your hand to make the position a little bit more neutral.
āI see itās not just me who canāt sleepā Wheelerās voice ringing out in the room made you turn to look at her.
Stood by the entrance, she gave you all an assessing look. Somehow her appearance felt right. Another grounding voice against the rising unease and panic. Someone to pull you back down from the anxious high horse.
āNo rest for the wickedā Neil seemingly got over the previous paralysis, for he offered the woman his best rendition of a devilish smirk and threw his arm over the back of the sofa.
Hand landing perfectly by your shoulder. Simple intimacy.
āWhatās on the agenda?ā Wheeler strolled across the room to sit on the chair by the table.
Dark gaze nonchalantly slipping over the two of you on the sofa. She was never the one to comment on what she observed, but the way she looked at you was enough. The label was painted in the cheeky smile, hidden in the corner of her mouth. Lovebirds. Somehow you knew that at some point, you would be cornered and made to tell the story with necessary details. If only so that she would have digs in the arsenal of sarcasm at a ready. Ignoring the desire to run away, you answered the question:
āMostly discussing how strange it all is. You know, us of all people, getting a chance to be the heroesā sensing the apprehension rise again, you added, āI feel like if they knew their fate is down to usā¦ theyād be terrified,ā a chill running up your spine.
Suddenly uncomfortable, you inched closer to Neil, using his raised arm to lean into his side and find solace. He understood the intent in a second and pulled you nearer, shooting you a quick concerned look. Questions were no doubt coming after.
āAnd I wouldnāt blame them,ā Wheeler agreed with your grave statement with the usual pensiveness, āNormally I donāt get this jittery before missionsā¦ but this one feels more importantā she stared at the horizon, lost in thought.
With the anxious thoughts waiting around the corner, you searched your head for anything to light up the mood. A stupid joke or a snide comment. But there was nothing.
āLike something could go wrong?ā Kat interrupted your train of thought with the simple question.
Alarmed, you looked up to notice the two women exchange a tense look. It really could go wrong. The worst type of wrong.
Neil sensed the way you stiffened, for he pressed his lips to your temple and gave you a quick kiss. His hand tightened the hold over yours, increasing the feeling of being protected. Got you. As always.
You barely noticed when the airlock opened again. Or when another person walked into the room and took off the oxygen mask.
āWhatās all this then?ā Ives looked around with the eyebrow raised pointedly.
With the whirlwind of emotions, the only thing left to do was to plant your face in your palms, groaning loudly. What the fuck.
Feeling the questioning gazes of everybody else, you slowly raised your head and asked the soldier with blatant tone:
āCould you be any more British?ā a mirrored arched eyebrow for the additional effect.
Maybe he was the distraction you needed. The final piece in the puzzle.
No bullshit taken as Ives grinned and gave you the showpiece bow borrowed from The Crown.
āTop of the morning to you, luvā straightening, he raised his hand to tip off the invisible top hat.
The snicker coming from Neil was the only response you ever needed as you rolled your eyes and hid your face in his chest. No point in pretending.
āCouldnāt sleep?ā stroking your back slowly, Neil asked the question.
You appreciated how he accepted your sudden need to be comforted. With the careful touch running up your spine, gently scratching the skin, your thoughts slowed down to an acceptable white noise.
āYeah. The bunk beds are fucking awful, and Iāve no one to cuddle meā it was the neutral way he said it that made you break out into a violent laugh.
The kind when it is increasingly harder to catch your breath, yet the lightness permeating the chest makes everything worth the aching diaphragm and tears running down the cheeks. You heard Kat follow suit, the light giggles bringing hope you wished to find in the darkness of the night.
āSorry mate, Iām taken,ā Neil shrugged, gesturing towards you.
From the comfortable position, you could make out the smirk on Ivesās face as he threw the remark:
āTraitor,ā he sat down on one of the empty chairs and noticed, āAnna will be heartbroken, mind youā a passing glance at the two of you snuggled on the sofa.
At the reminder of the receptionist, you sighed heavily. Because yeah, sure, there was nothing to regret in the best turn your life could have taken. But spiteful looks and cold treatment from Anna were not on the list of things you wanted to keep on experiencing.
As if following your line of thoughts, Neil waved his hand dismissively:
āOh, sheāll get over it,ā you grinned at the hint of irritation in his voice, āPlus, itās not like Iāve ever promised her anythingā¦ Not my fault this one came along and stole my heart,ā placing his palm on your thigh, he gave you a loud smack on the forehead.
You raised your head in time to see Ives look as if he was close to getting sick on the floor. For once, you could not blame him.
āDramatic much,ā glaring at Neil, you bopped him on the nose with a poker face.
The only sign he noticed was the deepening state of perplexion visible in his blue eyes.
āWhoās Anna?ā Katās innocent question was the one to throw you out of the strangest conversation and back into the present moment.
Exchanging a glance with Neil, who shrugged as though permitting you to share the tale, you began. Right where it started for you, with the flirting over the admission papers on that first afternoon. Omitting the more private details of your story, and with Neilās help with the background, you have managed to entertain her with the account of all things Anna. By the end, Kat was looking at you both with eyes wide and cheeks wet from laughing.
It only got better with Ives and Wheeler contributing to the discussion with tales from the past and anecdotes of their missions long before you came into the picture.
When the silence finally fell again, it was less charged with tension. Sipping a second cup of tea, you rested your head over Neilās chest, comfortably curled up and content.
āWhat do you want to do after this?ā Wheeler asked the question after a beat with a smile on her face.
Nothing needed clarification. An attempt at making the morning seem less daunting. A spark of hope for after ā the magical space where you desperately wished to find yourself already.
āGo to a pub and get pissedā Ives grinned from over the rim of his mug, devilish sparks lightening up his blue eyes.
Too tired to react, you chose to sigh heavily and catch Wheelerās bemused glare as she scoffed:
āHow typicalā she rolled her eyes and smiled at you as though sharing a private joke.
Men.
āI was planning to invite you along, but now Iām not so sureā the solder cut back with a feigned sulk.
āIād rather catch up on all those missed boxing classes,ā the retort coming without a second missed, causing a giggle to rise in your throat.
Who knew team banter would be the cure for all ails?
That and the steady embrace, holding you close with hands resting on your knee and waist. Letting you know that no matter the future, he was there. All yours.
āBoring,ā Ives murmured the response lowly, earning shooting daggers from his second in command.
You felt Neil chuckle as he rested his chin on the top of your head, observing the conversation silently. Your eyes fell upon Kat, a little separated from the idiotic narrative that overwhelmed the four of you. Suddenly feeling a wave of sympathy towards her, you asked:
āWhat about you, Kat?ā as your eyes met, you sent her a small smile.
āI want to go home to Max and finally live my life without that fear of Andrei lurking in the shadows behind my back,ā the candid answer whispered almost shyly, āSorry, Iāve made it all dark-ā she added, looking at the rest of you with panic.
Before you could jump in with reassurance, Ives spoke up:
āItās alright,ā he countered her embarrassed look with a stone-cold resilience, āI offer to shoot that fucker on sight if he somehow comes out of this aliveā a shrug to complete the proposal.
The genuine grin on Katās face was unmissable.
āAppreciatedā she nodded curtly as if to mask the initial reaction.
Before you could ponder on it for too long, Wheeler broke the silence again:
āNeil?ā her gaze slipped over you once again, the smirk still hiding on her lips.
You felt him raise his head, tightening the hold over your waist as if it was necessary. And thenā¦
āWhat I want to do is between me and my girlfriend,ā the cheeky undertone making you blush instantly and slap him across the knee in an ill-fated attempt at chiding.
That spark of curiosity not easily diminished, however. You made a mental note to ask him as soon as you were alone what that meant. Because, admittedly, doing things with Neil was the height of your wishes too. And most of those were best kept private.
āThank fuckā
Ivesās candid reply brought you back to the moment in time to hear Neil add:
ā-Butā¦ I just want to go on holiday. Spend at least a week without stress and the weight of the whole world on my back. And maybe visit my parentsā¦ itās been way too longā the melancholic tone did not get unnoticed despite the panic that crept up your spine.
Following the basic instincts, you lurched forward to be able to look at him. There was no mistaking that confident expression.
āShould I begin to worry? Because āmeeting the parentsā soundsā¦ official,ā you whispered the word with apprehension.
Yes, that sort of thing was probably expected, given how serious he was. But still. The fear of making an idiot out of yourself in front of Neilās family enough to trigger the anxiety once more. Somehow it sounded worse than dying in the Siberian shithole tomorrow.
With the tense silence that fell, you could almost hear the way the rest of those present were staring at the two of you with curiosity.
āWe are officialā Neil reached out to brush away the hair falling into your eyes, āWeāll talk about it later. After,ā the soft smile administered perfectly, cutting through your worries in an instant.
Maybe you could survive it. Maybe.
āSoā¦ Y/N?ā at the mention of your name, you looked up at Wheeler.
Right. Diplomatic, subdued answer it is.Somehow it got easier to find the words with Neilās hand resting on your knee again.
āHolidays would be nice, certainlyā stealing a glance at your boyfriend, you exchanged an excited grin, āAnd maybe some time to walk around London, appreciate lifeā¦ I donāt know I think I miss the mundanity. Getting coffee on my way to the lecture; visiting random shops and browsing the shelves just because I could. No inverted bullets, no timey wimey bullshitā with the spite thrown in, you left out a long exhale.
That life seemed so far away now. Almost like something out of a dream, rather than your reality before Neil and Tenet. While you would never wish for anything but your current circumstances, sometimes you missed the normality. The lack of danger waiting upon every corner. No necessity to consider fatal sacrifice in the name of love. Normalcy.
āThink you two have travel agency visit booked,ā Wheeler commented, looking between you and Neil with a knowing smile on her lips.
Using the most basic of gravitational pulls, you turned to face Neil with a hopeful look. With how close you were seating, only inches of space left between your faces. Despite the tiredness and insomnia, he was utterly stunning, taking your breath away within seconds. A part of your brain wanted nothing but to press your lips against his, mindless of the audience. As though using the same wavelength, Neil glanced at your mouth for a split second, causing a resurgence of butterflies in your stomach. They never seemed to get a rest anymore. Sharing one last long look, you nodded at the unasked question and awaited his response:
āMhmmā¦ I like the sound of thatā another happy grin and a hand grasping yours tightly, āBut now, I think we should try sleepingā stifling a yawn, he finished the tea and stood up to wash the mugs.
Using the slightly awkward silence, you jumped up from the sofa and sent the rest of the group a grateful grin:
āThanks for thisā¦ whatever this wasā shrugging lightly, you felt a wave of gratitude fill your chest with warmth.
Suddenly the morning felt a little less terrifying. Perhaps for once, you did belong. For once, you were not alone.
āAlways up for chatting shit on the eve of the battleā with the bemused smirk on his face, Ives got up and gave you a quick pat on the back.
You only registered that Neil was back by your side when he placed his arm over your shoulder protectively:
āOne could even sayā¦ that the real treasure is the friends we made along the wayā it was the casual way he said it that made you look at him incredulously.
āIs thatā¦ Disney?ā with your eyebrows knitted together, you tried to find remains of coherence.
Again: what the fuck.
āMaybe,ā shrugging, Neil grinned at Ives as if nothing happened.
āAre you regretting your life choices?ā the soldier ignored him and stared at you without a shadow of emotion discernible.
With the overwhelming tiredness and brain cells dying one by one, it was easy to choose.
āMaybe,ā parroting Neil, you grabbed his hand āYou, with meā without protest, you steered him towards the exit, āThink you need rest,ā
Just before you could zip up the airlock after the two of you, Ivesā comment broke the silence:
āTake care of each other out there. I want to get an invitation to that weddingā he shot you a serious look, hiding the concern evident in the blue eyes.
Biting harshly on your lip to prevent the sudden need to run back in there and hug him, you raised your hand in mock salute:
āYes, sir,ā a final nod of understanding before you closed the door.
It would be alright. It had to.
#tenet#tenet fanfic#neil tenet#neil x reader#neil tenet x reader#neil tenet imagine#neil tenet fanfic#robert pattinson#the art of inversion
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