#i am so very close to losing every last fuck i've ever owned

[strangefable]

also. to everyone who tagged me recently, i love you and i promise i'm not ignoring you, i'm just in a terrible mood and bleary-eyed and your work deserves better than that. i promise to respond to tags asap <3

[dinogoofymutated]

You asked for some smut suggestions for Logan, and I got one:

So like…I mean…Logan might be on the short side, but he’s still big! I mean, like,,,those hands 🫣 It would be nice to see a fic to do with Logan and a little manhandling. but not like in a BDSM way, more like a “I am very strong, and here’s a little reminder” type way. Might seem kinda silly but I’d enjoy a fic like that lol.

NSFW!Wolverine/AFAB!Reader Ask and you shall receive!! I've spent like the last four days working on this and atp I can't looks at it anymore lol. I'm not super happy with how the beginning is written, but I still think it's alright enough to post lol. It's a lot more tell than show compared to most of my other fics, and I was halfway tempted to reformat it into headcannons, but I didn't feel like it. Anyway, hope you like the way I included the manhandling lol! Hope it turned out okay :) Also, might or might not be tall logan. I'll leave it up to yall to assume, I'm just short af so there's not a single person in marvel who wouldn't have to look down at me lmao.

Edit:FUCK I FORGOT THE READ MORE! TWs: MDNI!!!!!! Seriously, you will be blocked. Masterbation, lil bit of a scent kink. Sexual frustration. Manhandling. Jealous Logan. Creampie. Logan calls you "sunshine" and pretty and shit. I'll add more if I can think of any.

    You had a problem. You’ve had a problem. And it really didn’t seem like it was getting any better. It didn’t help the fact that it was incredibly embarrassing, either.

    You couldn’t get off. It’s not like you ever struggled with it before, but lately, it felt like you were fighting a losing battle. At first, you didn’t realize why. Maybe it was because you moved into the X-Mansion. Nerves because you’re living somewhere new, right? So you change it up a little. You got comfortable, had a glass of wine or two, and picked up a raunchy book. Yet every time you slipped your hand between your thighs… Running circles around your own clit, trying your best to finger yourself to your finish, you just could never quite hit that peak. It was safe to say you were beyond frustrated.

    Lucky for you, most people didn’t notice. You try your best not to be too uptight or mean, but there are just some things that you can’t quite hide from certain people.

    Logan’s noticed that something is up with you. You can tell he has, seeing the looks on his face, nose scrunched up in a way he’s catching into something that he just can't quite place. You’re assuming it’s your own pheromones, but hey, as long as he doesn’t realize what it is you’ll be fine, right?

     Maybe not.

    Eventually, you finally realized why you were having so much trouble getting off. All it took was one training session with Wolverine, and you knew immediately. You weren’t sparring or anything like that, hell, you knew before you even hit the danger room floor. Logan was in a bit of a mood today, although not as grumpy as he can be- and he’s trying to be patient with you. You can tell. But you’re having trouble focusing today- and you have been for a while. He can tell you’re not at 100% just by the way you hold yourself, and spends about 5 minutes watching as you struggle to reset the Danger room panel before he’s finally fed up with it.

    “Jesus fuck. Here, let me do it.” Logan grabs you by the waist, pulling you to his chest with one arm as the other reaches around you to reset the panel. It’s not like you didn’t find him attractive before, but the close contact? The smell of his aftershave and the sound of his voice growling in your ear? 

    oh.

    Oh. 

    You were having trouble getting off because you had a thing for Logan.

    You’re practically stunned when he pulls away, standing there with a flushed face and something rather embarrassing pooling in your underwear for the first time in a while. You had to quickly excuse yourself before you ran the risk of him catching onto anything coming from you. He’s a little confused for a second, but you can hear the sound of his low chuckle as you scramble away.

    First thing you do? Go to the store.

    It's not a random errand. At least, not entirely. You had meant to go out with Storm to grocery shop later this afternoon, but you told her you could really use some time out of the house by yourself, which she completely understood. You had the list and everything, it was only a coincidence that you passed by the cologne section on your way to pick up some toothpaste. The sight made you stop for a minute, the gears grinding in your skull. You spent just a few minutes curiously sampling the bottles until you found one that smelled a bit familiar… Should you? No, that's a bit strange. But really, what was the harm, right? I mean, who would know? 

    So you bought it. You felt a bit embarrassed afterward, knowing what you bought it for, and ended up letting it sit in the drawer of your side table for a good while. Until another desperate attempt at fucking your own brains out, that is. 

    You were sweaty and uncomfortable in your bed, sleep shirt sticking to your skin as you struggled to pump your fingers in and out of your tight cunt. It’s been a while, and it shows. You couldn’t even get your favorite dildo to fit inside of you, only adding to your frustration. Touching your clit hardly helped much, leaving you as unsatisfied as ever. Eventually, you give up, lying there as you sigh to yourself. You turn over in your bed in a huff, halfway temped scream your lungs out into the pillow you bury your face in. Instead, you let out something that sounds more like a whisper than a yell, letting the air in your lungs deflate as you let your feelings out. You roll over onto your side when you’re done, halfway tempted to be done with it entirely and go back to bed when you catch sight of the nightstand drawer, slightly ajar. The amber bottle of liquid stares right at you. 

    You open the drawer some more, picking up the bottle and looking at it as you wonder if you’re actually going to do this. But you’re ridiculously horny, and tired, and you know you’re gonna have trouble falling asleep in the state you’re in- so you end up spraying the smallest amount on your pillow.

    It’s…nice. The pillow is warm from where you had been laying on it, and despite how strong men’s cologne could be, this one isn’t quite so striking. At least, not in the amount that you used. You relax back into your bed, pressing your face into the pillow and laying there for a moment. You start thinking about Logan… His calloused hands running across your skin. How his lips and tongue would feel against your own, trailing down your body to your breast. Your hand trails down to your clit as you imagine it as his own. You imagine him behind you, pressing you to the bed as he growls into your ear. You think about what his happy trail would feel like against you. What his cock would look like, feel like, pressing into you. Your legs twitch and shake as you see stars underneath your eyelids, the scent of Logan hitting all the right parts in your head and going straight to your cunt.

    Holy shit. 

    Your orgasm lasts what feels like forever. Your legs are still shaking as you whimper from oversensitivity and pull your hand away, panting as you try to catch your breath. You haven’t cum that hard since… ever. Maybe the cologne was worth it, after all.

    You felt really good the morning after. You found yourself humming in the shower, more energized at breakfast and morning drills. No one had said anything, but you knew there were a few who were relieved to see you back to your usual self. If anything, the only person you noticed acting very differently around you was Logan. He was more tense than normal. He scowled a lot, spending less time in your presence. You’d strike up a conversation that would only last a few minutes before he would make an excuse and leave. It made you a little disappointed. But you knew him and knew he had good and bad days, so you brushed it off at first. But a week, two weeks- almost a month went by, and still no change. You felt scorned almost, silently rejected by the guy you had finally realized you were practically in love with, and to be honest, the only man who could get you off just by thinking about him- and boy, did you get off while thinking about him. 

    You’ve almost resigned yourself to the fact that Logan wasn’t interested when he corners you one morning. He’s leaning up against the wall of the hallway,  waiting for you when you step out of your room. It makes you jump a little, closing your door quickly behind you, knowing damn well you hadn’t washed your sheets after fucking yourself to the moon and back last night and fully not wanting the smell to hit his nose. All Logan does is narrow his eyes. Shit.

    “Who is he.” He asks you. The question completely derails your train of thought. And you furrow your brow, confused. What was that about?

    “Who is he? Your guy?” He asks again, but it does little to clear up your confusion. You’re halfway wondering if he’s being serious at this point, stepping away from your door as you cross your arms.

    “What?” You ask. Logan huffs when you respond to him, cocking his head at you in a way that's more sarcastic than curious. The way he’s looking at you is doing some things that you don’t think you’d like to admit, eyes narrow and scrutinizing as you struggle to keep eye contact with him.

    “What do you mean? What guy?” You repeat back to him, starting to get a little frustrated. He snorts, rolling his eyes as his scowl lingers. He steps closer, looking down at you from less than a foot away with that angry stare.

    “Don’t play stupid with me, sunshine. I can smell him on you.” You ignore the way the nickname makes you shiver a little bit, too busy shrinking into yourself when you process the extent of his words. Smell. He could smell someone on you. Something. Oh god, this was embarrassing. 

    “Oh! That- It’s not what you're thinking!” You say, face flushed red. You’re flustered beyond belief, doing your best to convince him to leave it be, and it’s not going so well for you.

    “Sure it’s not.” Logan huffs. He starts to take steps forward, closing in on your personal space.

    “It’s not. I can promise you that.” You’re anxiously fiddling with your fingers now, taking a step back for every step he takes. He looked predatory, unlike any time you’ve seen him before. You haven’t even seen him like this in the danger room, even less so on the battlefield. 

    “Just tell me who he is.” Logan is adamant about it, his scowl beginning to turn into a frown. Your back hits your door, kickstarting your heart in surprise. You hadn’t realized he had backed you up so far.

    “I can’t!” You say, in the beginning stages of becoming absolutely exasperated, and already incredibly embarrassed. 

    “Why not!?” Logan Snaps, stopping just inches away from you. You cover your heated face, pressing your palms into your eyes until you see shapes, wanting nothing more than to curl up and die right then and there.

    “Would you just leave it!” You shout, but Logan’s having none of it. 

    “No, I won't!” Logan grabs your wrists and moves them away from your face, holding them in front of your chest with a grip lighter than you might have thought. You groan in utter frustration and mortification, looking him dead in the eyes as your angry mouth starts speaking before your reasonable brain can fully catch up.

    “Jesus Christ Logan! Do you expect me to just whip out the silicone and show you?!” Your eyes widen as soon as you say it, slamming your mouth shut as you finally catch up with yourself. Logan is staring at you in absolute shock, jaw almost slack at the confession. 

    “...What?” He asks, slowly. You wince, looking off to the side before deciding it's a bit too late to get the cat back into the bag.

    “Its… Cologne. What you’re smelling. I use it to uh, help me…” You make a sort of gesture with your head, praying that you won’t actually have to spell it out for him. He’s still in shock as he looks at you, hands frozen with his fingers wrapped around your wrists. He clears his throat when he comes to, an unreadable expression on his face as he slowly steps forward again, close enough to press his forehead against your own as he presses you against your door.

    “You’re that pent up, you need cologne to help you get off?” He asks, and you don’t know what to say, cat catching your tongue as he leans forward. The side of his face brushes against your cheek as he leans down a little, the action making your skin prickle. One of his hands releases a wrist to slide up and across the back of your neck, tilting your head to the side as he takes a big sniff of your skin. He’s practically nuzzling you, angling his head so that he can smell the scent on the back of your head where you rest against your pillow at night. 

    He’d noticed it before, at night when most of his anger had worn off, sometime after he started to pick up the scent on you. The undertones, the top notes. But now with you this close, he can tell that it wasn’t another man he was smelling. No. It was just you. Your scent being drowned out by the smell of something that he could finally tell smelled rather suspiciously like his very own aftershave.

    “...Don’t tell me that you wanted it to smell like me.” He asks after a moment. You almost flinch at the sound of his deep rumble, turning your red face away from him. You swallow, feeling like you are absolutely burning up as you nod- right as Logan catches the unmistakable scent of arousal.

    “Fuck”

    You’re sure the sound was more animal than man as he cups your cheek rather aggressively, pressing his lips against your own in a rather desperate kiss. It takes you a second to return it, eyes wide as you process just what was happening. It didn't take long for you to melt into his desperate kisses though, every nip and brush of his teeth just like you imagined it would be. He presses his knee in between your thighs, finally releasing your other wrist to grab ahold of your hip instead. You accidentally let out a whine when he grinds your hips against him, your heart beating so fast you were sure it was going to explode. He curses again at the sound, both hands sliding around you to lift you against the door.

    You practically squeak in surprise, the noise caught by Logan’s mouth on your own one more time before he trails down to your neck, nipping and sucking at your skin. You gasp as he presses against you, his hips beginning to grind against your own. You’re having a hard time thinking, biting your lip as you do your best to stifle your sounds.

    “Logan-ah, can we… head inside, please?” He only grunts in response, shifting your weight as you both begin to fumble for the doorknob. He gets it before you do, hardly stumbling as the door behind you swings open. He’s kissing you again before the door is even closed, kicking it behind him. As preoccupied as you are, you at least have the common sense to reach over and try to lock the door before he carries you over to the bed. 

    He plops you down onto the mattress before he crawls over you, eyes half-lidded and just as lustful as your own. He pushes you down as you try to sit up. His breathing a little hard, pupils dilated to a size you had never seen.

    “Now I know why you closed the door so fast,” Logan smirks, having picked up the lingering scent of your sex on the sheets right away. You open your mouth to reply, but he cuts you off. His tongue snakes into your mouth, and you find that you can’t really remember what you were going to say anyway. He kisses you again and again, distracting you as he reaches above your head. He pulls away when he has the pillow in hand, and you know just by the look on his face that he knows exactly what he is holding.

    “Hate to break it to you, but this doesn’t exactly compare to the real thing.” He snarks. It makes you laugh, and for the first time in a while, you see a genuine smile spread across his face. 

    “Yeah.” You respond, taking the pillow from his hands and tossing it to a far-off corner. “I know.” You could revel in his smile for as long as he’d let you. Logan’s kisses start off sweeter this time, at least for a moment they did. They begin to become more and more rough as hands start to wander and clothes start to come off. His shirt is first to go, your hands running up and down the hair that spans his torso. Logan is quick to remove your shirt and bra in one go, one very small step away from cutting off your clothes entirely. He gives himself a minute to appreciate your breasts, pinching and teasing you by sliding a hand up the middle of your sternum, the back of his hand brushing the side of a tit as he watches you squirm underneath him, arching your back to push your chest out, practically begging him to finally touch you.

    “Patience is a virtue, Sunshine.” Logan says, causing you to scoff. You glare at him a little and all it does is make him chuckle a bit. 

    “Don’t be mean.” You whine. He laughs a bit harder as he finally lowers himself to your chest. He keeps his eyes locked on your own as he brushes the blunt ends of his teeth across the soft skin, but he’s never been the most patient man. It doesn't take him long to give in to you, sucking on each breast individually, massaging the soft skin of the opposite as he does so. 

    “Careful.” He growls when your own hands begin to wander, touching him over the fabric of his jeans. He releases your nipple with a pop, bearing his teeth as he presses his face back into your neck. You don't pay much mind to that, rather enjoying the grunts and sounds he makes as you slowly stroke his covered hardness from base to tip. You can't imagine how restrained he must be feeling. You can’t help but smirk a little as your hands drift up and down, before oh So slowly unbuckling his belt. Logan is agitated, practically bucking his hips into your hands to get you to just get over with it. 

    “Patience is a virtue.” You quote, only earning a restraining hold on your hands once again.

    “Fuck that.” Logan growls. He holds you by your wrists, pushing them above your head as he uses his free hand to remove his belt and frantically unbuckle his pants. You'd be complaining if it weren't for the view of his straining cock, slapping against his abdomen as he pulls his pants down. 

    You don't get to stare for too long before he flips you on your stomach like you weigh nothing. He lets your wrists go to pull down your shorts and underwear, a sticky string of your slick thinning as he pulls the items down.

    “Fuck. You're this wet from just that?” Logan asks you, taking two fingers and sliding them through your lips from behind, spreading his fingers to let himself see the mess you've made of yourself already.

    “...shut up.” You mumble, more focused on the feeling of those very same fingers sliding back and forth across your cunt, the tips just barely brushing against your clit every time. Logan chuckles, sliding one hand under your lower stomach to lift your hips with ease. Your hips buck as he slides a thick finger inside of you without warning, slowly sinking down to his knuckle with ease.

    “Might not even need foreplay at this rate.” Logan rumbles behind you, eyes set squarely on the sight of your pretty pussy spread wide open for him. You can only moan in response as he pulls it back out again, plunging a second finger into you this time. Your hands clutch the sheets as Logan begins to finger fuck you to his content, curling those thick digits to hit that one spot juuust right. You try not to buck or squirm too bad, halfway wondering if this is all just some wet dream. 

    “Logan-” You call out for him through your moans. He only hums in reply, preoccupied at the moment.

    “I- god- I need your cock, please.” You're not sure if it was the phrase or the begging, but it makes Logan groan. You feel embarrassingly empty as he pulls his fingers out. You hear the sound of him stroking his hard cock with your slick, groaning and humming to himself before he picks you up. He leans over you, adjusting to you your hands and knees as you finally feel that thick, thick cock grinding against you. You gasp at the way it feels, feeling Logan smirk against your back.

    “Having second thoughts?” The tone of his voice is teasing, but you know there's more than that behind the words. You vehemently shake your head, grinding back against him a little as you protest. Logan swears under his breath, holding onto your hips to keep them still as he sits up.

    Both of you groan each time the head of his cock catches on your clit, Logan thrusting through your lips again and again as he lubes himself with the wetness you provide for him. You gasp when his head catches on your slot, notching just right. 

    Logan pushes into you so slowly, and you feel like he's thicker than you ever imagined he would be. You're impatient, desperate. You push back onto him in an attempt to take him in more, but his hands on your hips stop you.

    “Believe me sweetheart, you don't want that yet.” Logan tells you, straining himself with how tight you feel around him. He soothingly rubs his thumbs against your skin, pressing into you until you have him completely, balls deep inside you. 

    “Please, please. Logan, Please, I need you to move.” Your begging starts to sound like nonsense to your own ears, but it makes Logan gasp all the same, his cock twitching from where it's buried inside of you. You practically cry in relief when he finally begins to thrust Inside of you.

    His hip smack against your ass with every thrust, the sound of the slap mixed with the sounds of your love and the headboard hitting the wall a lewd and filthy symphony. Even better than your own moans were Logan's himself. Each and every groan and growl above you gave you a whole new array of things to imagine while fucking yourself- if you ever had to do so again. 

    You whine and whimper with every strong thrust, Logan slow and forceful with every movement. It felt like he wanted your insides to memorize exactly how his cock feels inside of you, and you doubt you'd ever mind it. He filled you perfectly, hitting every sweet spot inside of you.

    Your arms are shaking. Struggling to hold yourself up with each and every rock of the bed. You barely start to buckle when He catches hold of you, an arm snacking under your chest and pulling you towards him. His hand spans your collarbone as he holds your back against his chest, holding you up as he continues to fuck you like no one before. You're closing in on that sweet release when his hips stutter a moment. His teeth dig into your shoulder with a sharp bite, holding you there close to him without breaking the skin.

    “Are… are you -ah- close?” You ask. Logan only responds with a short and simple - “Fuck!” - before he pulls out of you.

    You don't have time to whine about the emptiness before he's flipping you around, kissing you again as he pushes your back to the bed rather aggressively. He's quick to sling your legs over his arms, folding you in half as he sides fully into you in a single thrust. He's hitting you so much deeper in this position, chest pressed against your own as his thrusts continue to stutter. 

    Logan kisses you again, a bit differently than the last ones have been. These kisses are tender, sweet. A stark difference between his needy, frantic thrusts. There's a line of spit between you two as he pulls away, half-lidded eyes meeting your own. You’re closing in on your peak, and you can tell he is too. The pleasure is too much for you to handle at once, and you can't help but squeeze your eyes shut.

    “Look at me.” Logan grabs a hold of your chin, your eyes flying open as he thumbs at your lip and holds your head still. “Don't look away.” His hips stutter some more, the both of you groaning as you clench around him, desperately trying to keep your eyes open as you finally cum around his cock. The fluttering of your walls are more than enough to send Logan over the edge, his cum warming your insides in thick spurts. Logan buries his face into your neck, groaning as you ride out both of your orgasms.

    The two of you lay there for a moment, trying to catch your breath. Logan lets go of your sore legs, massaging your thighs as he presses sweet, comforting kisses to your cheek and temple. His hands wander up and down your sides, doing his best to soothe your aches without you even having to ask. -not that he would ever admit to having a soft side. Who would believe you if you told them that The Wolverine was a cuddler after sex anyway?

    “Why didn't you just tell me?” You ask after a long moment. Logan hums, his Face tucked into the crook of your neck.

    “Tell you what?”

    “That you were jealous.” Logan only snorts at that, playfully pinching your side.

    “Jealous of what? Your cologne?” He returns. You slap him on the shoulder as he chuckles at you, unable to stop the playful smile on your face.

    “You mean the cologne that you thought was a whole-ass guy?” Logan stops at that, instead choosing to cover your mouth with his palm as he tucks his head closer.

    “You're a lot prettier when you're quiet. You know that?”

[frecklystars]

I'm sorry to make a vent post :c I hate being negative but I haven't been online in a couple of months and this kind of explains why + I really needed to let this out somewhere. TW for mentions of self harm and suicide mention, this vent post is a little bit heavy.

i havent been online for a couple of months now except one (1) time, and then i left again, just letting my queue post as always. my cptsd/depression/anxiety has been astronomical levels of Terrible. going offline just made me feel so so so much worse bc this is where i normally self ship and post my art. not blogging about my F/Os, not drawing them, not editing videos/not making gifs, feels... really really bad. self shipping is my main coping mechanism and not being able to self ship makes everything feel 50 billion times more hopeless. so I should try to get back into that habit again

its july. its gonna be my anniversary w/ the two F/Os who breathed life back into me when i was at my absolute worst. i should be really excited to celebrate an F/O anniversary for the first time in two years, but ive been... so... fucking miserable. the last few months i have been back into My Worst State Of Mind Ever. i have been having really bad days where im slipping back into planning how to end my life and self harming again like i did a year ago. this isnt an everyday occurrence as of right now, and rn as im queueing this post, i am not planning currently. but every other day i slip back into those old self destructive bad habits, so it's safe to say my depression is definitely Worse. im trying to figure out how to uh, hang in there. because i can't stop the source of the Thing that is causing me to feel like my only escape option is ending my life. this isn't just my mental health/a chemical imbalance in the brain making me feel this way, this is entirely situational and out of my control.

i know the source of my problem and why i feel this way, and i cannot control it. i havent talked about it on my blogs bc i dont wanna scare anyone, and i will NOT go into details here, but i havent felt safe in a very very very long time. i contacted the authorities back in January this year, i am planning to contact them again soon, but im afraid they can't do anything for me until things get worse than they already are. it sucks that you have to wait until things are literally impossible to get through until the authorities even CONSIDER helping you.

i have just been trying to take everything one day at a time and vent to a few close friends when i need to, but this has been so unbearably difficult to endure every single day. ive been dealing with this FAR longer than a few months, but regarding these last few months specifically, i feel like i haven't been functioning like a person. every single second i am just,,, scared and paranoid, this is the only thing i am ever thinking about because im so, so stressed. i dont WANT to think about it but i literally am incapable of having any peace. every few weeks, something scary regarding my situation happens, and makes my anxiety worse. i cannot tell you how scared ive been. im so scared every day that this is going to kill me, whether it's the actual situation that will kill me, or my own anxiety/fear will drive me into making an irreversible choice. which! i don't wanna do! i genuinely don't want to end my life, i just - i feel extremely trapped in this situation and i've felt very very very hopeless about it for a LONG ass time, and that shit weighs on you over time

my fear/paranoia has affected my self shipping, and self shipping is my main source of comfort, i cant lose it. i keep losing it. ive lost so much already i dont want to lose my F/Os all over again. i keep thinking there’s no point in self shipping because my F/Os would betray me or harm me in some way. i know they’re imaginary and they can’t hurt me IRL but like, from a self shipping standpoint, i can’t stop fretting over all of it being a huge trick. like they’re pretending to love me so they can betray me later. i can’t get any relief, I am having panic attacks all the time, my flashbacks are worse than ever. I can’t self ship and I can’t... function. i'm so messed up from everything that has been happening to me, i feel like healing is impossible at this point. i really hope that is just the severe anxiety/depression/ptsd talking. i hate being negative, i dont want to have such a pessimistic outlook, but it's just felt so... hopeless. like there is no point. but what am i gonna do, not try to feel things with my F/Os again? what am i gonna do, not self ship ever again?? i really have nothing else to do except try my best every day to get through this. or kill myself - and i dont wanna go down that latter road again bc its messy and it sucks and its expensive when you fail and i have permanent scars from the last time i failed two years ago, and i! want! to! get better! i dont genuinely want to die, i just want to escape my situation! this situation i am in should not be worth ending my life over. but i am scared all the time and that hopeless feeling is so heavy and it's just getting harder and harder to carry for so so so so long

i have friends both IRL and online who are trying to help me get back into a safe situation again, but there is only so much we can all do. so i just have to keep taking all of this shit one day at a time and just hope and pray some sort of miracle gets me through this. its been years so i really dont believe theres a way out anymore but i am just! agh!! fucking angry and sad and terrified 24/7 and sick of dealing with this, so i will keep powering through every day even if i gotta kick and scream the entire time.

ok anyway! im gonna stay offline for a little while longer (this is queued, if anyone is kind enough to reply/send an ask, i will try to respond when i return) but i will come back slowly but surely sometime maybe this week, next week at the latest. i at least want to celebrate my July 21st anniversary :( thats my most important one this year. i really really really need to get back into the habit of self shipping even if i dont feel much for my F/Os atm. i refuse to just lay down and take this, i want to at least try to feel something again even if it hurts.

thank you to those who have been patient with me with replies; tumblr says i have over 200 inbox messages and 99+ dms since ive been gone. i will try to get back to people slowly but surely, its just probably gonna take me a hot minute. if anyone has the free minute, if you can just send me something like "everything will be okay" in my inbox, i would super appreciate it 😭🙏 and thank you to anyone who took the time to read my ramblings.

[whentherewerebicycles]

ok obviously because i am myself i have to journal through some Big Feelings!!!!

here are some of my feelings:

i feel an immense sense of relief. i have been in so much pain for so long with no solutions and no clear endpoint. i feel like i've been slowly losing my mind for weeks. it is just not good for your brain to experience that much pain or to feel that much raw despair every night for so long. i can have my baby and then i can have the surgeries and then i can get PT and then i can recover normal motor functions and not be in excruciating agony. i feel like i've been so deep in the despair pit that i've started losing sight of the fact that i'm genuinely excited to have a baby. i've started losing sight of the fact that there's going to be a baby, period. it's felt like this would just last forever and ever and ever. but it won't. it might last another month or two but from sunday onwards i will be moving in the direction of less pain.

i feel an immense sense of guilt. i know i should wait until 39-40 weeks for his health/well-being but also i know many people who were induced early and their babies are fine. i was born at 38 weeks and he'll be born at 37.5 weeks and i have had no lasting health issues. and they will keep a close eye on him and we will be able to manage anything that happens. i am trying not to let myself be swallowed up by the fear that i am being hugely selfish by prioritizing an end to my own pain over his well-being. i love him so much and i want him to be healthy but i also have to trust that my health and well-being matters and is important to his health and well-being. like i guess start as you mean to go on, you know, and i want to try to be a parent who can make decisions that take care of my kid but also honor my own needs.

i feel frustrated. as my sister pointed out if people had felt a greater sense of urgency about the pain earlier i probably could have gotten to "clear evidence of nerve damage" sooner and then had time to prepare for an early term induction instead of making it feel so rushed. also maybe i wouldn't have done so much damage to my hands in the meantime. i mean maybe everything would've played out exactly the same way and that's fine but it is still a little frustrating to tell people that you are in the worst pain you've ever experienced and to have them be like aw i'm sorry but that seems normal. but it's fine! it's fine.

i feel kind of proud of myself. one of my goals for pregnancy esp after the pregnancy loss over the summer was to get better at medical self-advocacy. i tend to be really cowed by doctors and to downplay symptoms or to assume that if i am a bit more forceful in asking for things i'll be labeled a difficult patient. but i think over the last couple months i have done a good job of nicely but firmly being like, this is not normal. this is not normal. this is not normal. i know you are saying this is normal but this is not and cannot be normal. and i feel like saying that repeatedly and showing up to the ED and calling all the time finally made people be like hm maybe this isn't normal, and then i was able to get objective confirmation that my hands were sooo fucked up, and now things are happening that are moving me towards a future without this pain.

i feel stressed about work but also in some ways i've moved so far beyond that i don't feel that stressed. like i just don't have time to care about my boss yelling at me or being passive-aggressive towards me for leaving early. i'm about to do something that is so, so, so, so, SO immensely more important and meaningful and life-affirming than like, figuring out who's going to cover tabling events or run an application workshop in the fall. like come on. i am not going to expend a single ounce of energy on that in this last week. i will wrap up everything to the very best of my ability and then i will leave it. nothing is life or death in this job, and i have done a good job already of preparing my team for the transition.

i feel panicky!!!!!! i'm going to have a baby in less than a week. i thought i had more time although like what was i even going to do with that time given the fact that i can barely perform household chores or type for more than 30 min at a time or sleep. i feel panicky just because it feels so sudden, but also like, i have everything i need to bring him home, and i've read all the books and done all the pre-baby prep work and i've spent nine months getting ready for this moment. i have a bunch of chores and errands i want to take care of before sunday, but then i want to really dedicate saturday to reflection and journaling and taking long walks and just like, experiencing the last day of being just me.

i feel grief!!!! a whole part of my life - the part where i'm not a parent - is ending. i wish i had more time to honor that transition and to reflect on what it meant. i will definitely carve out time this week to do that and will try to not fritter away the next five days with errands... i think it's much more important to spend time getting myself emotionally ready.

this is a little dumb but i must voice it aloud: i feel weirdly sad about ending the part of my life where my dogs were my most important companions & beloved creatures. i know they will continue to be my beloved creatures! my best little guy and my sweet scruffy little girl! but the time when we were just a little family unit of three is ending and everything will be different now even if it will also be better and richer in a whole host of ways. i have already done a lot of crying and forcibly snuggling a disgruntled Pip and i anticipate there is a lot more of that in my future this week lol. but we will take lots of good long walks and i'll snuggle them so much and i will just trust that it might take a little time for us to settle back into our new normal but we'll get there.

i feel grief, too, at the thought of not being pregnant anymore. in some ways i'm SO ready... my whole body just feels so heavy and so uncomfortable and so swollen, and of course, as you might have heard, my hands hurt so much i think about cutting my fingers off at least once a night. but for the most part, up until this last stretch of pain, i've really, really loved being pregnant. i love feeling him kick and stretch and roll over inside of me. i love rubbing the outside of my stomach and feeling him press against the inside in response, like we're talking to each other, like we're making contact. my baby!! my little guy i've carried inside of me for nine months. i did expect to have more time to savor the end of pregnancy and to honor the experience (even the painful parts) in ways that felt meaningful to me. i feel real grief about not being sure if i'll ever get to do this again! and i wish, idk, i wish i could've paced myself through the end of it differently and had time away from the distractions of work to really have this experience of being in my very pregnant body, connected to my baby in a way I'll never be again, in a way that has felt really deeply meaningful to me. i'll do my best to make that time this week, and i know it's ok, i know that the next chapter will be so good too, but i can grieve not getting to have the ending to pregnancy i wanted.

i feel ready to be changed forever. the rush at the end is not what i wanted for myself, just in terms of getting my head on straight before he arrived, but on some deeper level i've been ready for this for so long, and i'm so, so ready. i want to meet my baby. i can't believe he's going to be my kid for the rest of my life. i can't believe how lucky i am that i got to choose this for myself and that i get to live the life i wanted. i'm so ready. i'm so ready. i can't wait to meet my kid and i can't wait to meet my new self on the other side of this big, big, big, forever-life-altering change.

[avakitsune]

Vulnerability posting time, cause he's asleep and I need to talk about my feeeeeeelings again.

Last night, I broke down. Told him some very deep, vulnerable shit after getting worked up into a frenzy and hitting a bit of an adrenaline high. He didn't run, didn't bail on the rest of the trip, and didn't show a lick of disgust or annoyance. He listened. He told me I didn't do anything to deserve what I went through. He was kind. It just made more shit tumble out of my mouth. He still didn't change. He didn't become a judgemental asshole. He didn't ask me, "Why don't you just" questions.

I'm not used to his kindness. I don't think I deserve it. I don't even know why he wants to give me his time or attention. I don't know why he's so generous with me.

I want to know. Maybe he'll tell me. But I don't want to pry. That's the kind of person I am. I'll drive myself mad trying to read little signs, facial expressions, and body language, just trying to feel a person out. All because I'm afraid that they'll know how much skin I really have in the game. Or maybe they don't trust me. Which is fair. I have the awful gift of being able to talk about my emotions with a level of honesty and rawness that only comes from 20 years of therapy, a dissociative disorder, and having the heart of a Disney Princess.

I'm dopey. I miss social cues, and sometimes i dont understand sarcasm. I'm too smart for my own good. I'm naive, but I'm jaded. I'm a mess of conflict and contradiction, and all I ever think about is how fucking nice it would be if everything and everyone—especially me—would just calm the fuck down for a second because nothing is that big of a deal.

I lose my mind and can barely contain myself when I see beluga whales swimming in their tank. I'm too picky to buy a souvenir because I want something that I have a gut reaction to; it's not enough to have something just because. I have to want it. I'm sentimental, and I cry about everything. I'm afraid of animatronics, of heights, of traffic, and of open water. When I see a stranger in pain, I can't walk away. I care what people think of me. Worst of all, I care what I think of me.

He exudes a strength that I envy. I want to be close to him because I want to learn more about him. He's not callous or walled off; he's right there, and I can feel him there. He's compassionate, in a quiet way. When he needs to take charge, he does, and he does it efficiently, with no beating around the bush. His warm stoicism intimidates me. I have no idea how to emulate it.

But most of all, he's honest. He makes a genuine effort to connect. He's communicative, and he thanks me for communicating back, even when I say things that step outside of typical banter for a dynamic like the one we've begun to foster. He's so much more gentle with me than I anticipated, but in the ways that I need gentility. He gives me physical pain, but he makes sure that if I'm crying, he knows why.

I've never met anyone like this man before. I'm scared I'm not good enough. I'm scared that I can't give him what he needs in every area. I am afraid of getting my heart shattered yet again. It's also a risk I'm more than willing to take. I'm also scared that I'll hurt him. I don't want to do that. The idea that I might makes me want to curl up in a ball and hide.

I have 2 more days with him. And it's not enough. I don't want him to go. It's not enough time.

[alienssstufff]

thoughts on q!dapduo ? (i’ve been thinking about their interactions during the wedding but it can be from any time period on the qsmp)

bro i fucking love dapduo. EVERY universe.

I've already spoken about them before and most definitely after the QSMPdinner event today my dapduo brainrot grows evermore >< You can probs dig for them through either the #dapduo or #stufff rambles tags yourself but here some of the links I'll be looking back on for this: >q!dapduo grieving > the guapoduo wedding arc >q!Slime's identity with Slime and Gegg >q!Quackity's identity and values

Summary of the 28/07/2023 QSMP Election Dinner: Gegg shows up to the venue (removes his armour AND his totems like a fucking idiot sorry im still heartbroken over this) and the remaining candidate members are ambushed by codes pretending to be eggs and Gegg loses his last presidential life. Slime returns as Slime and comes clean to everyone that he was Gegg all along but ElQuackity isn't so sure about this. ElQuackity and Slime have a conversation and (in chat) Slime secretly agrees to help ElQ win the election.

Out of pure impulse, I went and transcribed their whole interaction you can read it HERE

[ ramblings undercut ]

ANYWAY SO very important to know that roles and how they are perceived by others is an integral value to both Quackities' motivations whilst Slime's values are introspective, focusing more on his own identity (Slime/Gegg) rather than the outside. Throughout the entirety of the qsmp timeline, the both of them suffer near the same struggles yet respond to them differently because of their motivations which is why they compliment each other so well.

Q!Dapduo are able to sympathise and find comfort in eachother's pain simply because no one else on the island could ever experience what they're going through... Even if their way of comfort is not healthy.

Even if ElQuackity was m.i.a for a bit, before then he still considers himself close with Slime. ElQuackity learnt the assignment that Quackity was Gegg's father and went with it and most definetly caught feelings (platonic) that resonated when caring for Tilin and the other eggs. They were suffering together.

Cut to the QSMP Dinner where Gegg dies. The sadness ElQuackity felt was genuine yet bittersweet. His best friend, is finally learning to accept all parts of himself - but this is also a big turning point that the relationship dapduo have will never be the same. ElQuackity can no longer use Slime as a support structure (IN the manner that he used to at least) because he's broken free from the role that he's been given while ElQuackity has yet to do the same.

Q: No nononono you're viewing it the wrong way I think there's more to Gegg.

THIS LINE HAS SO MANY FUCKING LAYERS LIKE on one hand ElQuackity obviously is doing copium rn, but in retrospect he does have a point that Slime hasn't fully come to terms that Gegg and Slime are one in the same. They are parts of him and both sides are starting to mesh together and it's Slime's mission to better understand himself.

AND THEN ON A DIFFERENT LAYER, IF WE PIT THIS WITH THE CONVERSATION ELQUACKITY WHISPERS TO SLIME it's also really scary. Yeah he's going to use Slime to win the election, but it's also unconsciously ElQuackity's way in keeping Slime as this emotional support, and whatever this deal insinuates I am SO scared. This idea is also reinforced visually by Slime's body language as he physically backs himself into a corner by ElQuackity as he accepts the deal -- Which makes me think Slime is definitely aware of ElQuackity is trying to do and makes me wonder the reasoning as to why Slime accepts this deal.

One wants to leave but the other doesn't even know they're trapped in this together.

Q!DAPDUO .

[kart0]

I found a hack to start eating again !!! Me fanboying over food ?

Ok I'm super super excited about this. This is daniyuu lore guys it's very serious: there was a time when I seriously considered studying gastronomy and pursuing this career. I didn't want to have a restaurant or be a chef, I really really just wanted to learn more techniques and improve my abilities. But then I thought "hell no id rather DIE than make this my life. I love cooking and baking and this is my fucking hobbyyyyy !!!!" And then I chose arts lol

As my previous update, and some other posts, I mentioned having an eating disorder ! And I think I've rationalized enough to overcome it ? Like bro I honestly feel like a superhero rn no joke. Disclaimer: this is what works FOR ME. I'm not saying this will work for everyone who's struggling with an ED. This is MY own experience !

Ok so I have trouble with consistent eating, and trying new things. ARFID: avoidant restrictive food intake disorder.

My current safe food is basically: cauliflower, neoguri/shin ramyun, and monster energy drinks. And popcorn.

I know, I KNOW, those aren't super healthy or...nutritious, BUT IN MY DEFENSE: eating anything is better than not eating at all !

Anyways, after being kinda sad that I miss food, and miss feeling happy when eating, and miss cooking, I've finally come to terms that: I can guarantee I will eat, if I cook my meal. Sounds very basic because it is ! If I am the one cooking, I'm the one who has control over EVERYTHING. I can choose my seasonings, my ingredients, my own method. I know what's in there, I know what I will be having, and I will be having fun ! I will associate food with my happiness because I will be happy cuz I love cooking !

I really really miss cooking and since I'm on my uni break my mom and sister have been asking me to cook more meals, and I've been doing that. And enjoying so much !

I feel so happy when all my family praise my food. I really really do think, hmmm, I did a great job.

And I'm not gonna lie, I'm a very good cook lol

Last year I was responsible for picking and making our Christmas AND New Years menu. I carefully planned three meals a day for a week, and administrated my family to help me out. like a real chef would do ! By the way, my family members have a lot of restrictions: sister mom and aunt: lactose intolerant; dad, other aunt: can't have too much salt; mom and aunt: gluten free; me: literally the pickiest eater ever !

And every time, literally no joke, I would ask how did they enjoy my meal ( I mostly did all the cooking while they would prep the ingredients ) and they would ALWAYS say it was awesome and good and most importantly, tasty. I felt this rush of emotions and I'd always think hm, this was worth it. I'd be tired my legs would be sore but my tummy would be full and I'd be happy. It was worth it.

Then I got very bad and totally stopped eating, I wanted to lose weight and I did, I lost a LOT of weight but I also felt so bad and I literally was very close to passing out all the time.

I cut off some foods specially meats, idk they just.. started grossing me out. I always hated pork so that was never an issue ( no I don't like bacon ) , and I was already a picky eater and would only eat some type of meats and cuts ( I hate hate hate cartilages, skins, fat lol ) but then I just. Stopped eating red meat, and then I got even more restricted from eating chicken ( chicken breast is the safest cut and meat for me ) and I'm not the biggest fan of seafood.

Anyways, I had to take blood samples and well I now have iron deficiency 🥴

Got sidetracked I'm sorry but I really really like talking about this ? Since it's like...my hobby I guess. Ok so I stopped cooking cuz it was too much work and effort and I wouldn't even eat it in the end. So I just, stopped.

My birthday is coming up tho, and my sister wanted us to go to this restaurant that I've been wanting to go for AGES !!!!! ( More daniyuu lore: I love cooking shows specially Masterchef ) And there's this restaurant from a Masterchef winner and I wanted to try her food for sooooo long. But when my sister told me this I actually got very, very sad. I thought, it'd be a waste of money and time. I won't eat anything. Not only do I rarely eat, but when I do, I tend to eat very small portions. And I thought DANG IT this would be SUCH a waste of opportunity.

And then, my secret weapon: actually, two secret weapons: my THINKING, and my STUBBORNESS.

Thinking, I could come to this solution. And stubborness, cuz I will follow through and this will work.

Came to the conclusion that the only way to start eating again, is by making meals I'm proud of, and excited to try. Yes !

I've been saving some videos of different foods to try to make and I've been sooooo excited !

Only problem is that I fucked up both of my arms cuz of the last post ( sakuatsu baseball ) ( I locked in too hard and drew for 8 hours straight.... ) ( don't do that )

And now I'm in so much pain I'm trying to not do anything and just rest ( not working cuz my family keeps asking me to do chores and stuff that needs a lot of arm strength . I got pissed off cuz they seem to worry but in fact don'tgaf - so this hasnt been working ugh ). Even writing this post makes me feel like there are electrical wires on my hands wrists elbow and shoulders. I shouldn't be but I'm so excited and I need to post this before I forget. I can't lose momentum ? Idk

I'm very excited too ! I've always been curious about vegan food and vegetarian options, which is kind of funny since I'm not a big fan of many, MANY, vegetables.. but seeing them being prepared in ways I've never tried before actually make me feel so happy and curious ! Maybe I will like them then ! I just need to find a way to make them to my taste. Isn't this so exciting ? The magic of genuine curiosity and passion is literally flowing through my veins. I'm so, so happy I found my love for cooking again !!!!!! I can't wait to be fully healed and better and cook these awesome meals.

( by the way I used to joke to my sister that I'd be a vegan vegetarian super Nature vibes when I'd turn 30 - I was like, 11 at the time )

I'm so, so excited. Also, important note: my mom doesn't really season food... Since my dad can't have too much salt, and she can't either ( she takes blood pressure pills ? ) she will put a PINCH of salt. And that's it.

It was kind of sad....

Anyways, I found out I really really like caeser salad and some veggies if they're actually seasoned lol

Ahhhhh I'm so happy ! I feel like I'm actually gonna get better ! I'm planning to make a wonton soup cuz it looks sooooo gooooood ! ( Yes it is pork. No I won't eat the pork. I hope I won't find pork on the market... And then I can search for ground chicken meat. Heh. Probably won't find ground chicken tho. ) I've never had wonton soup so I won't be sure if it's like, good, and the real deal cuz I won't have any data to compare but ! A boy can only dream

And then, I want to try and make more salads ( I love salads ) and also ! I want to make my own pickles ! We don't have a lot of varieties here, it's always the same two or three brands. And the pickles are never crunchy which makes me so sad. They're also very mild and have barely no flavour. WHERE'S THE PASSION.

Also I want to try and make a filet-o-fish from McDonald's. I really like those but they were discontinued, plus, I'm boycotting McDonald's ( and a lot of other brands as well ) and honestly, McDonald's is super expensive here anyways.

And my food is better 🤭🤭

Its funny cuz I'm a very insecure person, but when it comes to cooking, bro I am very proud of myself and my skills. I do in fact cook and I'm...the best cook in my family 😬

It makes me happy that you can see ( and I can see too ) how happy this make me. I really enjoy cooking. I'm really excited to cook again. And I'm very, very ecstatic to eat. Wow !

I'm very proud of myself.

[penroseparticle]

Penrose Song of the Day Day 24: We Might Even Be Falling In Love (Interlude) by Victoria Monet

Boy did I unexpectedly have a shitton to say about this one.

Have you ever heard a song and then just. Wished for more. I feel that way so often these days- in the age of the tiktok sample and the optimized 2 minute song for streams, there's something to be said for a song you can sink into and lose yourself to for 5, 6, 7 minutes at a time. Where is the Bohemian Rhapsody length song these days.

That's not to say that I hate 2 minute songs- I listen to enough Connor Price to admit it's ultimately fine for a song to be thrown off the pottery wheel after 2 minutes, fully formed. And tiktok samples are great honestly- usually the most interesting or expressive part of the song is the part that gets me to listen to the whole track. And I'll take my strikes of inspiriation anywhere thanks, even if occasionally it throws me a Fancy Like (And to be clear I, regrettably, fucking love Fancy Like. The mans has no taste, sorry guys).

But there's a special exquisite pain when you fall in love with a song that is not, strictly speaking, a song.

Victoria Monet is one of my favorite current artists and I've made absolutely NO secret of that. Jaguar II is a NO SKIPS album for me, she just kills it. Even lines I should NOT find charming (Titties bouncing and everything, anyone?) are just so excellent to me. She just has a way with a track that makes me buy in, right away.

We Might Even Be Falling In Love is my favorite track from Jaguar, and it's not even particularly close- there's about half an album of green hearts on this album too (She's consistent too. Dare I say GOAT status), but this 50 second NONSONG IS MY FAVORITE SONG FROM THE ALBUM.

The sultry, smooth fucking beat, that funk from the bassline that's so simple and then cuts out at the end. The melody is so catch, the brass warm and bright and like. I feel like I just hit a blunt in the best way possible and I am not a weed person (I did other drugs).

I knew that V. Monet was a top 5 artist of mine very early on, but I didn't admit it to myself until I took a long hard look at her other music and artist credits and realized she just had her hand on a vast swathe of my liked songs.

There's just something so smooth. So sexy. Very 70's in that way that I can see myself grinding with someone in an afro and bellbottoms. This song is going to be in my Spotify top 100 this year and it is NOT A REAL SONG.

Interludes and Intros are an almost lost art at this point on the album- I think that rap and r&b are the last bastions of both (Metal too but you're not ready for that convo) and the conventional album structure in general- which is fine! Not every album is a meticulously curated hour long tour, sometimes an album is "This is my setlist for coachella" or "look at my new singles". That's ok I think, there's no good way to release music and the entrenched hegemony of the album was due for a shakeup for a while (We saw that change heralded a billion times before the streaming era more or less killed the conventional album release for anyone not named Beyonce).

The point of an intro is to. Introduce the album. Novel I know. And unless your intro is DaBaby good, it's not a track that you're expecting to pop off as the best track on the album. Its job is to introduce. You learn some of the sound profile. A little of the flavor of the album. Themes, motifs, favorite samples. The artist's persona, that kinda thing.

Interludes? Palette cleansers. The change from one thing to another. Rather than some harsh cut from concept to concept you can ease through it with a sultry BOP THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN IT'S OWN SONG OK PLEASE VICTORIA I'M BEGGING.

Sometimes Interludes don't even get that title- I'd argue Smoke (Reprise) is also an interlude in Jaguar II despite missing the designation. But it serves much the same function. Smoke is a much more mid tempo, fat, low synth, vibe of a song and Smoke Reprise acts as good connective tissue to Buju Banton getting full Reggae on Party Girls.

And part of what makes We Might Even Be Falling In Love such a good interlude is that it works as good connective tissue too. I will be honest I HATE Dive. I love Victoria Monet, and I think the song has something to it, but I am not into the whole fuckin Squeaky Toy production this song has going on. I get it's bed squeaking or whatever. I know that it's supposed to be suggestive. It sounds awful. The thing is. The parts with the squeak absent are actually good. I like the melody. And like the idea we go from "Fuckin, the song" to "Maybe we're falling in love" as an interlude? And then into "I'm a Jaguar... in BED" is chefs kiss. That momentary "Wait am I catching feelings?" moment in musical form.

Anyways, We Might Even Be Falling In Love is SO good it makes me wish the song was 5 minutes long. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk. And honestly I'm glad I feel so passionate about Victoria's music. You should find something to listen to that you're passionate about too. You could be dead right now, go listen to something you love.

[scoundrels-in-love]

20 Question Fic Writer Game

Thank you for @needle-noggins for tagging me! Using my limited energy right now to respond, because otherwise I never will, oops.

How many works do you have on AO3? 65. One of them is a collection of prompts with 14 different chapters so, technically, 78 fics total.

What is your AO3 word count? 169,932. Nice. (Almost half of them are written in last 7 months for Trigun.)

What fandoms do you write for? Currently, only Trigun, but there are chances I might drop a fic or two in JJK fandom for Chosoyuki and then disappear. I would also like to finish some WIPs for Braime from GOT, but I don't know if my brain will let me. Never say never, though.

What are your top five fics by kudos? What can I give that is all for you? These arms are all I have (But I hold you like I do love you) (396, Trigun, Mashwood) Everything about you is on the tip of my tongue (312, Trigun, Mashwood, my first finished proper multichapter and explicit monsterfucking) You hold me for a little (Curtains closed to the end of the world) (260, Trigun, Mashwood) If I'm gonna (lose) love someone, (don't) let it be you (258, GOT, Braime) this fucking fic that took me a week instead of day or two to write, ENJOY FUCKERS (or don't, I'm not a cop) (234, Trigun, Mashwood, Explicit monsterfucking) Really fascinating to see how much kudos my Trigun fics used to get when I now often only get 30-50 at best. But, alas. Such is the ups and downs of fandom and I hope it's not reflection of my writing quality vaning as well.

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? Yes, I do. When I first started using to AO3, a writer I admired had the stance that it inflates the comment number and is 'cheating' when it comes to the statistics, but I realized that, at least for me, comments aren't any parameters I search fics by and also I really wanted to feel community and connect with my readers and writers, so I wholly threw myself in responding later on.

What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? Oh, that's a good question. Several WIPs come to mind, but as for actual published ones... I suppose Before you leave, Remember I was with you (You must know you are beloved) could count because it follows canon ending of the Rogue One which means all of the characters die. But it is more of a bittersweet one. In similar vein, If this is communication, I disconnect (I need you, you want me, but I don't know how to connect) I think You taught me the courage of stars before you left (How light carries on endlessly even after death) overall might win, because it ends on open wound of grief, though it is also canonical death.

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? I don't think there is a singular one that is more happy than others. There are so many shades and nuances of happiness, who am I to judge which one is the most valid, the biggest?

Do you get hate on fics? I once joked in author notes that maybe the fic did contain traces of early polyam if you squint and someone was very upset about it, though in text it was just close mutual friendship and some teasing and only the tagged main couple was openly romantically involved. I've gotten some weird comments overall through the years, but thankfully nothing more hateful than that.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind? Much to my own horror, yes, I do now. And apparently mostly the monsterfucking kind. I don't know what else might be meant by 'kind'.

Do you write crossovers? No, that's not something that really comes to my mind. I am too engrossed in exploring every nook and cranny of the canon and characters that are my focus at the time.

Have you ever had a fic stolen? Not fic, as far as I know, but I have had my poetry and RP stories and plots stolen by people I trusted, such as my teacher and close friends at the time.

Have you ever had a fic translated? No, but I've had one podficced!

Have you ever cowritten a fic before? No, but I'd really like to give it a try, I and @bienchanter have a lovely Rancher/Western Mashwood AU we'd like to cowrite, we just can't quite figure how to go about it. I've also had the pleasure of having them write a companion piece to my fic (theirs and mine) and had the joy of writing companion pieces to @needle-noggins and @frappeflamingo stories.

What's your all-time favourite ship? I am a person who cannot pick just one. I'd say some of the most Rainy defining ones have been Han x Leia, Braime and Mashwood.

What's a WIP you'd like to finish but doubt you ever will? So, so many Braime ones. Especially the ones that are multichapter for fic exchanges. Their recipients deserve better.

What are your writing strengths? Emotions, evocative descriptions.

What are your writing weaknesses? Everything else. Okay, okay, before I get bonked from every direction - I struggle with dialogues and action descriptions and easily get overwhelmed when tackling larger, tightly packed plot.

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic? I think it is perfectly valid and even good for characters that would actually mix the languages naturally. I've definitely thrown in some Brazilian words for my Wolfwood, for this reason.

First fandom you wrote for? The Labyrinth on ff.net in 2008 or about there.

Favourite fic you've ever written? I don't have a singular favorite, there is something that I love, something unique that makes me appreciate it in almost all of my bigger stories, even if it's just a joke that was made in conversations with my friends.

Whew, this was long, but fun. Tagging @bienchanter @it-may-be-dull-but-im-determined @firesign23 @sdwolfpup @chickiefoo and @tardisready as well as anyone else who might just want to. But no pressure to, on anyone.

[awaybacktothen]

Today is the last day of my 20s. I've wasted the first eight years on depression and anxiety, and long covid stole the last two and my life as a whole from me. My queue finally ran out a month or two ago after two years, since it's not like I was actually to be able on here, after being here all day every day for ten years. So I guess this is it.

I am utterly and completely exhausted every second of every day, in pain all over my body every second of every day. I don't remember what it's like to feel any sort of rest anymore. I can't move my head a millimeter without feeling dizzy and. My body feels heavy, so heavy, even though I'd actually lost 25kg and I'm not overweight for the first time since high school. I live in a dark room full time and I spend half the day with white noise on cause I can't tolerate the sounds my parents make just living their life in their own apartment, cooking, cleaning etc

I'm deteriorating with every month and there's no way for me to know when the day comes that I'm fully bedridden, fully unable to tolerate any light or sound, fully unable to stand on my feet.

I've watched one movie and two tv show seasons in the last two years as I'm no longer able to watch things, to handle the light and movement, to easily process what I'm seeing and hearing. The last thing I watched was about a year ago and by then I was already struggling to follow the plot, properly process what I was seeing and hearing.

I just can't believe everybody gets to live their life as if nothing ever happened and I'm left severely disabled and will never get to live anything remotely similar to a normal life. I left the house once this year. Everybody's just living, at the very least watching shows and playing games and I can't even do that. I will never go to on a vacation or to a concert or to theatre again and that breaks my heart into a million pieces

Pride month is on, such fun, I'll spend it in bed, alone, for the rest of my life. Hey anybody know of anyone who wants to date me while I can't leave the house and I can't move my limbs much? No? Long covid made me lose every close friend, any chance at having a job, dating, living without assistance. I will now forever be living with my parents, unable to even take care of my room or myself.

I always thought I would one day be on social media a lot less and watch fewer shows and movies because I finally got a life. It never even crossed my mind that I would stop doing all that stuff because any life I had would be taken away from me by an illness.

You just never know if something's gonna happen out of nowhere and ruin your life forever, with no way of things ever getting better, with no way of getting better. You're always hearing about people's lives being ruined by severe illness or accidents. You never expect it to happen to you. I had a 'cold' and now I have brain and heart damage among dozen other things and will never get to do anything besides sit in my room too exhausted and too braindead to do anything. My life is one cruel fucking joke. Do you know what it's like to live knowing this is what your life is always going to be like? Do you know what it's like to mourn your life while still being alive? It's torture.

I cherish every friendship I made on here and I'm incredibly sad I'm not able to continue them. I miss you all. I'll probably pop up here once or twice a year for eurovision or tonys or something (although I don't know a single thing about the nominations this year, not even their names) if I'm at all able to

❤️

[engagethelinkage]

One Year Later - Written April 24th-25th 2023

Today has marked 365 days around the sun since I stood up for myself and broke free of my relationship with [ex]. 365 days since I made a decision for the good of my own sanity for the first time in a very very long time.

A year is a long time, but also not a very long time at all. I've heard it's a decent metric for healing and progress, I'm not too sure about that. When I think of where I'm at it's plain to see that I'm a few squares behind where I was when I started dating her. I'm back to being terrified of sex and feeling unable to let anyone get close to me. Back to feeling like I don't deserve the physical contact I so deeply crave. Back to wanting to shut out the outside world and return fully to my hermitage. It's clear that my job is just a lucky break that means I can more feasibly attempt to carry on existing like this.

I know I'm not made for the real world; the world of full time work and a mortgage and 2.4 children. I'm not coded to function as just another bland cog in the machine, even though the anonymity of normality is one of my deepest desires. I was made with a series of statistical time bombs within my body and my neurochemistry that make it nearly impossible that I'll live past 40. I'd hoped to have lived some beautiful stories in those years, though tragedies are a special beauty too. As defective as I am I still had too much respect for myself to let the tragedy that was my relationship-my sentence with [ex] play out to the full beautiful ugliness of what it could've been. I considered that ending to my story; slowly giving up my hobbies and letting myself be eradicated piece by piece by the attrition of tiny constant adjustments just like her slowly taking every inch of the bed, all in exchange for physical warmth.

The truth is I really truly want to love someone again. I want to be able to open up to someone and trust them. But I don’t know if I can. It feels like I'm too broken to deserve anything other than abuse under a thin veneer of kindness. I don't know if I'm whole enough to love again knowing that if we don't break up then they'll lose me when I run out of time, or if death decides to carry on her sick joke of snatching people away from me, I lose them. My life is the one story I hated having the ending spoiled because it's made the whole journey feel empty. I wish I never knew this knowledge that has always lived in my brain, this foul truth that makes me feel undeserving of any sort of human comfort.

Last night for a split second I dreamt that I was in [ex]'s bedroom again, the fear that shot through me was enough to wake me instantly, but I still had the ghost of that terror in me. It’s the first time my own brain has pulled the eject cord during a nightmare and it was a dream about being near someone I was supposed to trust. The thing my mind fears most is being back with her, the single greatest fear I have is being back in her bed, and she was the person I chose to love and grew to resent. I told myself I'd never let a lover hurt me again. Promised myself. And here I am with another bag full of lead weights added to my baggage.

Now I truly don't know if I'll have sex again, I don't know if I'll ever be able to suppress my fear enough to trust a partner like that again. I don't know if I'll ever be able to accept a tender touch on my chest or a hand on my cheek. I don't know if I'll ever kiss someone again. [Ex] just drove all of my fears deeper and wrapped them in the confusion of "it's meant to feel like this". She hurt me so deeply and she gets to live in blissful ignorance of what she did to me. I have to struggle to sleep because I'm haunted by the fear I would feel walking into my own bedroom scared that she'd want another round of sex and she just gets to jump to a new partner in less than a month. It’s so fucking hard to not be bitter about it. The bitterness just becomes another recurring boil on my soul if I let it stew too long.

The bitterness doesn't last long, thankfully. I'm passed crying over her, but I can count all the new buckshot pellets she left in me.

I hope the terror fades in time, therapy is expensive. I can laugh at a lot of what she put me through now, I have to laugh at it or else I'll cry, but some things scarred me deeply. I don't know if it's possible for wounds that deep to heal on top of so much scar tissue. "A collection of stories and scars and a love for the arts" is what I called myself once. I'm also a creature that is extensively predisposed to fear, my existence is one of almost perpetual terror and my various unhealthy mechanisms of keeping it at bay; smoke another joint, recite the Litany Against Fear again, recite the futhark one more time. All to make it through the current wave of terror that paralyses my mind. She didn't put this terror in me, it's been in me for as long as I've lived, she just gave it new forms to take.

I'm still hurting, but I'm not sure how much of that hurt is from her anymore. [Ex] abused me, I can admit that. But after all the abuse I've experienced from others, I can see that she left me with very few new scars. I'm broken, but she didn't break me, I've not killed this version of me to hide from the memories, my hair remains uncut.

I cannot say that I will heal, but I take solace - a sense of victory if I'm honest - in the fact that I am still this version of me.

[daughter-of-sapph0]

first of all, fucking source?

no one is changing the definition of woman. no one is completely getting rid of "female spaces". female spaces still exist.

if the thing your upset about is gender neutral bathrooms, then just don't use them. they are so rare and uncommon that you can easily keep track of how many are in you city and just... not go in them. of course, that's assume you exclude bathrooms in your own home, which are technically gender neutral. or on airplanes. but just stop and think about the absurdity of it all. you're mad at fucking bathrooms so much that you think that all trans people should be erased from existence because of it.

secondly, the "trans rights movement" is not an group or community of anyone organized. what you call the "trans rights movement" is just everyone who thinks that trans people deserve to live. trying to claim that an arbitrary and undefined subsection of people (who the only thing they all have in common is that they don't hate trans people as much as you) is counterproductive and makes the word "misogynistic" lose its meaning.

trans people are not all misogynistic. Matt Walsh, a man who has very close ties with jkr and has repeatedly attacked and abused women and also calls himself a fascist, is misogynistic.

people who want trans people to live are not misogynistic. the group of people who physically assaulted and tried to arrest my friend's cisgender mother because she looked 'too masculine' are misogynistic.

the entirety of the queer community is not sexist. the political right and the exact same people who voted to overturn row v wade and who are now trying to literally make it illegal to be trans are misogynistic.

notice the pattern? see how all the sexist and misogynistic people align themselves with transphobia? it's almost as if all forms of bigotry, racism, sexism, antisemitism, homophobia, and yes, transphobia, are all intertwined.

now I'm sorry you get rape threats and doxxed. because I do to. the school I work at had several bomb threats specifically because I'm trans. my home address has been leaked and I had to move to stay safe. personal photos of me were leaked online and circulated in terf circles for months. I have been attacked and abused several times. I survived csa from a coworker during a job I had during high school who specifically tired to rape me because I was trans.

I'm sorry you feel like a victim. but you are not the victim, because you can change how people perceive you. you can easily change your views, delete your blog, and live the rest of your life in peace. sure, I doubt most trans people will be egar to be your best friend. but you can go the entirety of your life without facing a single negative encounter with someone, because the hate you receive is because of your own actions. you are not facing backlash because you're (as you claim) a woman. you're facing backlash because you have extremely bigoted views that negatively affect the lives of others. and you can change your views and immediately stop facing backlash.

I can't do that. I can't stop being trans. believe me, I've fucking tried. nothing I can do will ever make me more appealing to fascists other than being dead. I live ever day of my life in fear that it might be my last. I have to always be able to handle any attack, because the slightest bit of retaliation is enough reason to justify my death and have my murderer walk free. I have to pretend to be cis. I have to protect myself from everyone, because literally anyone can be a threat to me. no matter what I do, no matter how I act, no matter how polite or respectful I am to people like you, you will never be happy until I'm dead. add on top of that the fact that every other trans person in the world also faces this ever single day, and the fact that a large portion of trans people are people of color, low income, and/or homeless, it just shows how you don't have it that bad.

and I hate to compare oppression, but that's literally what you do. you like to think that you're the most victimized people in the world who just have it so hard. but you're a upper-middle class white cishet woman. you're in second place as far as privilege goes. the only people who have it better than you are upper-middle class white cishet men, and it's not even by all that much. you're the second rung on the ladder of success. and instead of getting rid of that ladder and creating a world where everyone is equal, you sit happily in second place watching everyone below you crumble. because you can't conceptualize the fact that other people getting rights is not a threat to you. you have the sick idea in your head that only a certain number of groups can be near the top of the ladder at once. and the people above you have brainwashed you into thinking the ladder can't be removed at all, and that your enemies are the people below you. your problem is not trans people. your problem is capitalism, the people who uphold it, and the societal barriers that prevent everyone from having equal access and equal opportunity. and transphobia is one of those barriers. your only hurting yourself, and 99% of the people in the world. the only people you're actually helping by being transphobic is the ultra rich, such as jkr. (whose only achievement in life is writing a book that was filled with racism [bigotry against muggles, a Chinese character named Cho Chang, a black character named Kingsley Shacklebolt] slavery apologism [the house elves actually love being a slave race] homophobia [lycanthrapy being an allegory for aids, and one of the villain werewolves gives it to children, which is literally just the gay panic shit*] and massive antisemitism [the fucking bankers are goblins] but you didn't notice anything wrong with any of it because you were ten. but now you're not ten. now you're an adult. praising jkr for actively harming other while completely ignoring her bigotry.) and she doesn't even know you exist.

*interesting to note that the gay panic and people freaking out and making straight up lies that gay people were having sex with kids is quite literally exactly the same thing you are doing with trans people right now. you never fucking learn

also, saying that Jews are antisemitic for saying antisemitism is bad is not a good look.

She ain't even subtle anymore lmao

[keefwho]

October 22 - 2023 Sunday

9:14am

Even though it feels cringe, I'm going to try to read the day before's entry every morning. I feel like I should be able to do that without cringing at myself. It's like I can't even stand by my own words. I just dump feelings and shamefully look away. Maybe reading what I did yesterday can help me get a grip and try something different today. It'll also help to notice patterns I might be missing. Whether it does or not, this is an "action" I can take. An actual thing I can do that will yield some kind of results as long as I actually do it.

10:43am

In a way I'm afraid to do anything. I feel fear thinking about doing Inktober, or streaming a game, or hanging out with someone. I feel like I'm gonna mess up everything today. I'm afraid to act on anything.

1:09pm

I hear people talk about their girlfriends/boyfriends and can't understand how they easily fall in and out of relationships when I've only ever had 1 where we used that kind of label and it was when I was a teenager. Or how do people end up being in a happy relationship where they can proudly say they have a partner? Why is that so hard to achieve? Why can't it just be as simple as "We are so close and like each other a lot, lets just be boyfriend/girlfriend already." For some reason it just isn't like that. It probably has something to do with me and how fucked up I am. I'm the one here who lacks most forms of interpersonal experience. I fear I am doomed to a life of loneliness.

I'm so out of touch with everything it feels like.

4:03pm

I took a hit again and it's probably the last time I'm gonna do it to cope with my feelings. I'm not having a bad trip or anything, I just know it's bad and I feel dirty about it. I don't know who this "Keith" guy is but I don't support his behavior lately. I don't want to be this. I know what I want to be, I literally just have to do it. I feel a little better about it though. High assisted or not, I've been trying very hard to understand my own humanity and the humanity of others. I've been perspective taking, understanding how much it means when someone asks how my day is or updates me with pictures of their cat or where they're going. I thought about the past and how closed off and hollow it is, why do I like to stay there? Everyone else is present and ever changing. The present offers possibilities, the past is done. Its not to be forgotten but it's not to be lived in either. I wish I could get a better grasp on how I used to feel. I can't remember having this constant darkness deep inside me but maybe it was better hidden. I don't want to believe I could have regressed, especially when I've made so much progress in other places. I simultaneously want to go back to who I was but also don't want to lose the progress I know I've made. Who I was was very limited as a person. I think with great sadness comes great happiness. I've opened up a window to growing in ways I couldn't have before. If I can only learn to see hope like I used to. If I can only understand how things really can change and happen. Thats what I miss. Thats what I've lost. I've done so well with everything else but I lost this important component. Deep down I know who I am but I don't know who I can become. I don't understand what other things can become.

11:15pm

Today I woke up from a dream where Daisy and I got a cabin together and it was great, there was lots of very intimate cuddling and touching. I remember pressing my chest to her naked back holding her and how good it felt. At some point the dream turned into dealing with this homeless guy who wanted to stay in our house. He had a little pet alligator sorta like Gummy and about the size of a kitten. He told me not to let it bite me because it's teeth were very sharp but I let it anyways and my hand started to bleed pretty bad. We threw him and his gator off the mountain.

For breakfast I made sausage, mac n cheese, and had some cereal on the side. Afterwards I was trying to figure out how to launch VRchat and Legendary Tales at the same time so I could Vtube better but that was impossible unfortunately. I tried streaming for about 2 hours which went okay aside from no one showing up except for the guy that calls me Sleepy. I truly hate him. Good thing he only messaged twice. After my failure of a stream I decided to take a hit in preparation to blow myself because I felt like it and wanted that immersion. I did my dishes and looked at stuff while waiting for it to kick in. When it did I remember not being totally in the mood for it anymore but doing it anyways because I wasn't gonna waste the opportunity. It turned out okay, I had fun but it lasted a very very long time. After steaming in the shower for awhile and almost falling asleep in there, I made spaghettios for my 2 hour late breakfast. I snacked on some chips while watching a minecraft stream until I sobered up. I took a 40 minute desk nap at the end of that. I finally decided to do my Inktober and enjoy my evening. I cranked it out along with a small commission edit and uploaded those 2 things. After that Daisy was free and we watched Chris Chan while we both worked. I sketch Mr Mumbles and us as He Man and Cringer. I felt loose about it all, I was able to reach that rare state of really letting go and enjoying the process of art while I use it to express myself. Often times I adhere to too many rules and expectations. I was going to play Legendary Tales while Daisy went to bed but my game froze and I lost my permadeath character to that so I hopped on Zelda instead while she went to sleep.

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #173

Have you ever had a sexually gay experience? Yes.

Do you find any of your friends hot? Yeah, I'm not really shy about this, especially with my female friends. You can find someone physically attractive but not pursue them romantically or truly sexually.

Are your legs freshly shaven? No. As my legs are getting stronger though, and I'm losing weight and just moving more comfortably, I might start doing it again soon-ish. I'm just so, SO self-conscious of how dark and hairy my legs are, but I don't want to hide them my whole damn life. I simply do not have it in me to be confident as a hairy woman, blame society on that one. Anyone seeing them right now mortifies me.

Does your best friend wear glasses? Yes, otherwise he's blind as shit like me lmao

Have you ever woke up crying from a bad dream? Yes, this is extremely normal, especially with my nightmares/terrors.

Who knows more about you: online friends or offline? Online by fucking far. I'm so much more open about myself with people online.

Does your family own any land? No.

Who is the oldest sibling in your family? Katie.

Are you close to any of your aunts/uncles? No; not because I don't want to be, they just live primarily in New York and Ohio and I've only seen the ones I still associate with a couple of times. I don't remember my dad's sister at all, and my mom's sane brother is someone I also only have faint memories of; I was particularly close to his wife when I visited, she helped me through a panic attack.

When was the last time you were in a hospital? March 2022.

Do you plan on losing weight any time soon? I've been in a veeeeeeeeeeery slow process of massive weight loss, but now that my hypothyroidism is adequately medicated and I'm being more attentive than ever with what I eat and drink, + exercising some, I've been losing weight again. It's way slower than I want, but I know slower is better anyway.

What do you think of people who get drunk every weekend? It doesn't seem very responsible, however so long as they're not operating machinery like cars and not hurting themselves nor others, adults can do what they want.

Are you looking forward to anything? I don't know what yet, but yeah; Girt's mom wants to plan a family thing to do, which always includes myself and Mom, and I absolutely always love doing family stuff with them. I've been really emotional lately over how ignored me and ESPECIALLY Mom are by both my sisters, and the more I do stuff with my boyfriend's fam and feel actually wanted, it makes the realization of how unwell things really are in my immediate family hurt much worse.

What was the last bad news you heard? Well I've learned our landlord has been mentioning to Mom the possibility of her selling the house, which would kick us clean out of it, so that's cool. I should mention us moving in here was her idea, by the way.

What was your GPA in high school? I know it was over 4.0, but not the exact decimal number.

Do you require a lot of private time? Absofuckinglutely, that's how I refresh and am able to be a tolerable person to be around.

Do you know how to play any odd instruments most people can't play? No.

Have you ever had a parasite before? omfg no I'd rather fucking die. I've had ticks on me before, but nothing internal, and ticks never stayed on long because I've always been horrified of them so I got them off immediately.

Have you ever been punched in the face before? No, I've never been punched at all, and I'd like it to stay that way.

Are there regular trains in and out of your town/city? Yes. It's certainly not a major train station, but it exists.

Do you bathe your pets regularly? No; none need that. I recently did give Venus a soak for the very first time because she shed very poorly (I struggle SO FUCKING BAD with maintaining humidity in that terrarium) and I was so proud of her, she did excellent and even seemed to enjoy it; I'm sure the extra hydration was great for her, too. She behaved so well, especially with loosening her eye caps; snakes generally aren't big on their heads being touched, and that goes for Venus too, but there wasn't a single hiss or anything out of her.

What was the last animal you saw, and was it a pet? I can see Roman (cat) snoozing in the doorway.

Who was the last person you messaged on Facebook? Girt's sister Ashley.

When was the last time you saw them? A few weekends ago.

Where do you see yourself in a year? Hopefully employed (this is what I want more than anything else), maybe living with Girt. I hope I'm much healthier/fitter.

[TW: OVERDOSE/SUICIDE] Do you know anyone who has overdosed? Well yeah, me, but obviously it didn't take me out because I got help fast enough. I know at least one person (but I think more) who died of it, but I'm certain I know multiple people who have attempted. It is sadly a very common way out of life.

Where are your siblings as of now? I know my older sister is on vacation with her family; Nicole's either at home or there with Ash, I feel like she was planning on going where Ash did, too. Maybe for only a day or something, idk, I'm never in the fucking loop of what my sisters are doing.

Have you ever lost anyone close to cancer? Anyone emotionally close to me, no humans, but I've lost pets to it, most horrifically in Cali's case because the tumor (I can't recall what cancer) ruptured and was basically crushing her lungs. Dale died of like... thyroid cancer or something, I can't recall, and it's definitely possible that Teddy had something cancerous going on at the time of his death, but I'm not sure on that. His situation was mostly age and definitely something neurological when the seizures started. My rat Tezzeret was euthanized due to cancer in one of his eyes. I ALMOST lost my mom to cancer, she's had it twice and the second go was a literal fucking hair from terminal, but she's impressing absolutely everyone - even her doctors - with how well she's managed. She's strong as a goddamn ox.

Do you personally know anyone who is transgender? Yeah, multiple friends of mine are.

When was the last time you got a shot? ugh when I had my last wisdom tooth taken out; they gave me numbing shots of course, but I'm very convinced this dentist went a bit too hard or SOMEthing, like he made me stretch my jaw open as much as I could before doing the injections, and it took MANY days for my jaw in that area to stop hurting, like it was affecting my ability to open my mouth and eat.

Have you ever been into a car accident? Yes, and ever since then I've been terrified of cars/driving. It was only my mom's driving skill and quick thinking that saved us from flipping over and the accident being far worse, apparently.

When was the last time you spent over $100 in one transaction? What did you buy? Around a month ago when I got my tattoo finished.

Are you a breakfast person? Yes, I don't understand how some people regularly go without it.

What type of books do you like to read? Young adult fantasy, especially when animals or mythical creatures are involved.

How do you get rid of hiccups? Literally no method works for me; I've had hiccups for over a straight hour on multiple occasions, they don't fucking stop when I start.

Do you have any healthy addictions? Not really, that I can think of.

Do you pay much attention to speed limits while driving? When I did drive, yeah, I did. I didn't fuck around with driving safety.

Which parent was more strict when you were growing up? Mom, in all honesty Dad did basically nothing to truly raise us.

Have you ever watched The Golden Girls? Yes, I absolutely love that show. Mom would watch it a lot while I was growing up so I've liked it a long time.

Do you like getting dirty? No, it honestly stresses me out.

Are you a very flirty person? Not in general. I flirt with my boyfriend a lot, mostly in a silly and playful way, but if you're not my s/o, I don't flirt.

Who was your favorite babysitter? One of our childhood neighbors that my sisters and I knew as "Uncle Donny," even though he wasn't related to us. He and his wife Janet were the grandparents of a girl named Jennifer, who lived a few houses down from us and was friends with my older sister Ashley, so they would keep us if needed. They were such a sweet family; Janet's been dead (diabetes complications, pretty sure) for many many years, and it's heartbreaking to realize that by THIS point, Uncle Donny probably is too. They were already up there in age, and Donny was never the same after Janet passed.

Do you believe in the death penalty? In very extreme cases where you show literally no interest in changing as a human and have proven you're a genuine danger to the public, yes. The only devils exist on earth, and a person is absolutely able to become one that no longer has the right to be here. I do wanna emphasize though, I am talking EXTREME cases, and those where there are no "maybe"s about their innocence.

Name a person that you can’t stand and tell us why? My somehow-once best friend Colleen, because I have never in my life met a person as hateful and self-important as her. It's embarrassing to even say we were ever friends at any point; we've always been immensely different people, but I guess that's what loneliness does to people, you accept any friendship presented to you.

If you could have a video of one event in your life, what would the video be? I'd love to have a video of my and Girt's first interaction, because I'm actually unsure of what it was and I'd REALLY like to know.

What is the most illegal thing you have ever done? Ridden with a driver that was high, probably. It was one of the scariest moments of my entire life, I was scared to tell her no. If we got pulled over, literally both of us would have gone to jail.

Last person you sang happy birthday to? My niece Aubree.

What form of government do you like the most? (capitalism, socialism, etc.) I can't answer this, I am way too uninformed on these topics, and there are quite a few forms of government. I CAN tell you capitalism isn't the fuckin way though; living in North America, this is one I know the dangers of. I see it and live it.

Is there a song you can’t handle listening to, even though you like it? I physically cannot listen to "Stairway to Heaven" by Led Zeppelin. I fully expect to experience a panic attack. It's a song I don't even let "play" in my head, I can't.

Last time you saw fireworks? A couple nights ago, out the window.

Do you have a black dog? No, she's white and brown.

If you took someone on a tour of your town, what would you show them? Uhhhh... I guess my go-to would be City Lake, which is a small lake obviously with a big fountain and surrounded by a walking path, and there are lots of metal art sculptures around it to check out. There are fishing spots and also some seed dispensers to feed the ducks and geese, which are really prevalent here because they've LOOOOONG since learned they get fed; the waterfowl diversity is my favorite part. The only other place I can think of is the art + science museum we have here. It's not a great museum, like your big, beloved museum destinations make it look like a shitfest, but it's SOMETHING okay, this place sucks lol. Actually after the lake we can go to dinner at Chico's, it's this Mexican restaurant literally right beside the lake alongside the Tar River. Chico's isn't the building itself, it's a big brick building with a high tower for something, I can't remember what for the life of me, it just includes the restaurant, and I always thought their decor was cool.

Have you been to the capital of your state? Yeah, it's only like, 50-ish minutes away, and I've had many doctors located there. Plus I always go to their Cheesecake Factory on my birthday lol

Would you be more in your element camping in a tent or an RV? RV.

[catcrumb]

How do you stay motivated to do dailies? I really admire your dedication to these funky fresh cats. I've tried doing my own dailies (drawing, writing etc), but always lose steam about a week in. Was there a point when it became second nature, and just fit really easily into your routine? Or is it always going to be a bit of an uphill battle?

my big rule is that it doesn't have to be "good." that was the first and still the most important rule. some days i have the willpower to get out my tablet! some days i have my mouse! and some days i just wiggle my finger in the shape of a cat on my laptop's trackpad, slap some random thought i had onto it, and hit that post button. doesn't have to be perfect. doesn't have to be a work of art. could look like complete shit. just has to be a cat.

like this guy? very low effort! i had a headache that evening after doing a bunch of things i needed to do, and was like "ah fuck i still gotta do today's catcrumb". this took me thirty seconds. but that was that day.

something that has also helped me a lot is making my rule "one per day", not "once per day". after drawing the one i posted tonight, i drew two more doodles that are gonna be tomorrow's and the day after that's catcrumbs. so i don't have to draw for the next day and a half! the queue function is one of the big reasons i really enjoy tumblr as a platform. (the queue, tags as undervoice, tags for archival purposes, easy chronological and sortable archive/portfolio, and the anonymity. not to mention the vibes. also ive been here for over a decade and can't leave)

also, i use mspaint because it has a limited toolset, so it's just less overwhelming and not as daunting as the beefier art program i have for other art. if i had to open up clip studio paint every day....... i would not have lasted two years lmao.

and tbh the limited toolset has made me feel freer to try new things! like with color! when i was drawing mostly in Digital Art Programs and the edges of school papers i rarely ever got to coloring because i would spend so long on the lines. but with mspaint i draw with the pixel-pencil so it's easier to use the fill tool. this is one of my first little "landscapes" :) i drew it in february 2020. i still think about it a lot!

(also, i've found that the landscapes, which i spend more time and effort on, get less of a response than the scribbly ones. which i'm not bothered by, because 1. it makes me feel less pressured to do the big labors of love 2. it makes me feel unashamed when i only have energy for a quick scribble 3. my loved ones adore my little landscapes, and that's more important to me than Number Goes Up. but also it's fun to see the number go up in response to my scribble. it's a win/win.)

and finally there's accountability. i have a very firm rule with myself that i draw for ME, and my followers are a side effect/bonus of me posting it publicly. i do not create for an audience. to quote:

The difference between an inner-directed process of discovery and a kind of outer-directed pseudo-creativity that in its pursuit of attention gets overwhelmed by desperation.

but that doesn't mean that attention doesn't matter to me. i would not have gotten as far as i did if i hadn't shown my art to my friends/mutuals and gotten very sweet responses from them. that was what made catcrumb happen: the people who i know, am close to, and whose kindness is personal to me. i adore and appreciate the kindness of strangers! but it has to come in second to the kindness of friends, because otherwise you will go crazy. i'm pretty lucky that i have the sort of homebody personality that has little interest in strangers, which helps my brain not get rotted by clout.

so i showed my art to my friends, i got encouragement, they thought i was funny, i kept going, because i liked amusing myself and my friends with my little drawings. and then the snowball went further down the hill, etc etc. nowadays my main motivator is that i told my mom about catcrumb and she would definitely say something if i didn't post. sometimes just knowing that someone would notice is enough.

i hope this is useful. i am a person with a couple of brain problems that have made me debilitatingly incapable of forming and maintaining habits my entire life, so i'm honestly shocked that ive managed to keep a daily habit going for two years! ive never managed anything like that before! maybe because it doesn't Matter. i don't do catcrumb for money - ive thought about a patreon, but i couldn't do it. my executive dysfunction is too powerful, and catcrumb has always been about being the teeniest task to execute.

and it makes me smile. i like drawing little cats sitting around smiling or yelling or holding an object. :~)

tl;dr keep the bar as close to the ground as you possibly can

[honouredsatoru]

JJK Characters x You on a date

notes : I tried including Gojo's love for Digimon since I also grew up watching Digimon and loving the anime with all of my heart, also because Gojo's seiyuu, both Japanese and English versions, voiced for characters in Digimon, so I wanna pay homage to the both of them. other than that, I also included my love for arts and history, something I tried to incorporate into my writing, just to make it like.. lilith's style, ya know?

extra notes : also I wrote megumi for Elli, just because haha.

warnings : slight cussing. not proofread lol. other than that, none. 100% fluff!

characters : gojo satoru, fushiguro megumi, kugisaki nobara, nanami kento, itadori yuji.

Gojo Satoru - Arcades, vintage shops, especially collectors, especially Digimon, comic book/manga stores.

[Your name]! [Your name!]! Look, look! It's the Digimon Adventure V-Tamer 01 series! All 9 of them! Let's get in!"

"Ahh hold on. Towu! We're supposed to visit the cat cafe, you promised that you would go with me and take pictures with the cat hairband on! And I'm starving!"

You jokingly scowled at him, tapping your Doc Martens feet on the ground, arms folding.

"Fucking adorable. Let me see if I can tease her more, hah." A smirk soon appeared on this blue-eyed darling of yours.

"Let me get the manga and I promise, I'll go to this cat cafe with you, baby. Hm?"

"Oh alright."

"I love you, sweetheart. I know how much you wanted to go there but the manga. I- ahaaaa"

He started pouting as he kept pointing in the direction of the Digimon manga by the window. You quickly opened your camera, taking pictures of him sulking, emitting a soft giggle that actually made his heart squeezed with joy.

He presses his lips against your forehead, thumb circling your cheek, gently squishing them before opening the door, yanking you into the comic book store with him. You vowed to hide the comic books once he goes on a mission. After all, he made you wait a month before the two of you finally get to go to this cafe you always wanted to visit.

"Baby, I can read what you're thinking. Your face shows it too. Hehe. Watch me hide your panties."

Taking in a few gulps of air to deepen your breath, you opened your eyes, to meet the love of your life's own eyes, snickering at you, his large hands on the crown of your head before ruffling your already messy hair. There is no way you can stay mad at this man, as childish as he is, you know he loves you and deep down? He knows you love him too.

Itadori Yuji - Thrift stores, internet cafes to play online games with you, cinemas.

"Candy! [Your name] love! Don't! Make! Me! Ahhh cover up for me! I am gonna lose! I am gonna-"

He turns around to face you with soft eyes, his eyebrows slightly droopy before looking back at the computer, taking in the seconds in his head to register the fact that he lost in his mission with you in Inferno.

"Awww sorry babe. I mean.. you just started playing CSGO, so tell me, why- again- damn it- you wanna- AH. Damn it! Throw the fucking grenade! I mean why you wanna play this game, you need more practice- FUCK YOU."

Gentle chuckles were heard, emitted from his throat, his soft, peach toned lips landed on your cheek repeatedly as he rubbed soothing circles around your back.

"Breathe, bunny baby. You're so feisty whenever you start having online matches. Breathe. I love you, and I don't want you to get your blood pressure rising because of these dumbos, hm?"

Your lips curl into a faint and appreciative smile, nodding while your eyes are glued to the screen, ignoring the fading laughs and snickers from the people acknowledging your mini rage.

"I love you too. If I win, I'm getting us boba and chicken nuggets. So let me fight them, okie?"

"Yes ma'am!"

Megumi - Museums, art galleries, photo exhibitions, aesthetic cafes.

"Oh Gumi bear, look at that! That is the Raft of Medusa, it was done by Thèodore Géricault, he himself interviewed two survivors from the shipwreck."

He looks over your eyes that shine with excitement and pure happiness.

"Art"

Was what he thought every time he laid his sight onto you. God knows that he falls in love with you every single time he is blessed with your presence. Resting his arm around your waist, pulling you closer, inhaling the scent of mixed berries and wild roses, he swore he heard his heartbeat increasing every two seconds in a span of one minute.

"Oh really? What do you think this painting is all about?"

Glancing at him before returning to the painting, you puffed your cheeks, pressing your lips together with your index finger curled on your chin and your thumb under it.

"Lord, she is so cute whenever she does that. Can I kiss her? Should I? No wait, she's trying to tell me her own interpretation of this painting. To me. Oh wow. I'm gonna kiss her... later. I can't interrupt her." That is all he could think of. You. He is deeply, madly, beautifully in love with you.

"In my opinion, it tells me the ways of how men, or human beings, seek out in order to survive. When we are at the brink of desperation, insanity, happiness, greed, lust, desire, wrath, grief, don't we all do things unimaginable to help us go through the day? They even resolved to cannibalism. I think even I would commit to that if I was in an extremely dire situation."

You looked at him, a wide smile on your face, emitting a soft giggle that entered his right ear and stayed within the chambers of his mind. He closed the spaces between the both of you, sealing his lips onto yours, with the intention of making this very moment last a little longer heavy within his heart.

"Art."

Was what you thought of him.

Nanami Kento - Theatres, historical museums, fine dining restaurants.

You squealed, lightly clapping your hands as you ran to a block of marble, your foot tapping against the floor. He chuckles, hands in his pocket, taking fast strides towards you.

"Namnam! Look look! That's the Parthenon Sculptures! It was founded in hm... Athens, yes! If I am not mistaken, around 438 to 432 BC. These sculptures decorated the insides of the Parthenon, it is a temple located at the fortress of the Athenian Acropolis. It is said that this temple was built to appreciate and worship the Goddess Athena, she was the deity worship in Athens. Also, ah ah! Did you know that the word parthénos means "maiden", "girl" or ‘virgin"? And I-"

You look at him, your magnificent lover wearing a dark brown trench coat, with ecru brown trousers and a black turtleneck tucked in, his neck layered with white gold necklaces. Your hand unconsciously scratches your sideburns, giggling at the side of his stoic expression, eyes piercing yours beneath that yellow-green glasses he constantly has on his chiseled face.

"Oh... I am sorry... I didn't mean to bore you. I was just so excited because you know me! I love anything that is related to ancient greek history and mythology. I can't seem to get enough of it and it is absolut-

"I'm not bored, [your name]. I was just paying attention to every single word that pretty lips of yours uttered. It's magnificent that you knew all of this. It shows just how smart, curious, bright your mind and soul is. And darling?"

"Huh?"

"I am lucky to be blessed with someone like you. With Gojo constantly following me, there is no way I can read the books I bought for myself. However, having you around, breaking the ice with your random history tib bits, I feel like I am reading the pages, savouring each word, alphabet, sentence, thus expanding my quest and love for knowledge."

You looked down. Normally, you're not the type to tear up this easily but seeing how this man, this angel of a man, appreciates the little things you loved and adored, you can't help but let the waterworks out. You lifted your head up to meet his gaze, the tip of your nose slightly stuffy. You grabbed his arms, clinging onto him, the difference of height and size makes it sweet to the eyes of strangers surrounding you both.

"Oh Namnam. Thank you so much. This means the world to me. Shall we... go and see the best of Ramesses the Great? I've loads to tell you!"

Nobara - Shopping malls, ferry rides, beach dates, parks with cherry blossoms.

"Baby... tell me, have you ever seen anything as joyous as the ocean?"

You two stood by the seashore, fingers intertwined, your head resting on her shoulders, the sound of the seas splashing against the rocks and the warmth around your foot, it tingled but it feels good at the same time.

"I don't want this moment to end, [your name]."

"Why is that, pretty one?"

A faint sigh leaves her lips, you feeling her body loosen up.

"I just.. school is sort of stressful so my time spent with you liberates me from the pressure, fatigue, and image of curses embedded in my brain. Walking with you... through this airy womb of skies and clouds, don't you know it makes me happy?"

You leaned closer, pressing a soft peck on her cheeks, earning yourself a pair of scarlet cheeks with a gorgeous smile from the one next to you. You turned yourself to face her, hands on her shoulders, bringing her body closer to yours.

"Whenever and wherever you need me, I will be there. I might not be perfect, but I am gonna do my best to be the one you can always count on."

You pressed a kiss on her left cheek.

"I love you."

A kiss on her right cheek.

"I love you."

A kiss to the lips of the woman whom you shared your entire universe with.

"To the moon and back, I love you, Kugisaki Nobara."

The end.

tags : @tojisveryown @sookyshima @megumifushi @sixeyesgojo @sirthisisa-wendys @sasso-oda @fushigurocockslut @nkogneatho @kotarousgf @noritoshiikamo