#i am so fine and have never been affected negatively by anything or anyone yup !

[ratvich]

actually nothing bad has ever happened

[petri808]

@ktdkvalentines​ for Syd on Ig Valentines Exchange

Bakudeku College Au. TW: panic attack, anxiety, some angst w/happy ending based on the request.

Izuku Midoriya was in a great mood that Fall morning as he arrived at the college campus. His first day of his first year away from home, ready to start the next leg of his journey. He’d chosen this university for its good reviews and psychology program. He wanted to do something good in his life and what better way then helping others who’d suffered like he had. Not that he’d had a horrible life but growing up in a single parent household created some attachment issues and bullying when he was younger left him with anxieties. All through high school he’d worked extra hard to get to a point where he could function most of the time, and he was proud of how far he’d come. That growth is what led him to pursue a career in psychology, to take his negative experiences and turn them into a positive one.

So, he wasn’t ready when he walked into the dorm room and saw the familiar blonde hair and red eyes of his nightmares looking back at him. 

Oh, this couldn’t be happening! Izuku swallowed hard, a mantra of calming statements flooding his brain as a silent staring content ensued. Neither man said a word, but the longer this went on for, the voices in his mind slowed and were replaced with questions. He was starting to realize... did the blonde even remember him?! He couldn’t tell if it was confusion, or maybe pain on the man’s twisted features, but it certainly wasn’t the angry boy he’d grown up with.

“Wow, Izuku is that you?” The man spoke with no malice in his tone, even rubbed the back of his neck nervously. “Been a long time, huh?”

“Yeah... about 7 years I think.”

“H-How you been?”

“Okay, I guess. A bit surprised to see a familiar face.”

The blonde’s shoulders dropped slightly, and he averted his eyes to the ground, “probably not who you’d hoped to see again...”

“I didn’t say...”

“No, no, it’s okay.” The man waved his hands to stop him. “I— I owe you an apology Zuku. And I’m not looking for forgiveness cause I don’t deserve it, but I hope we can, I don’t know like start off fresh, I guess, since we’re stuck in this room together.”

Izuku blinked in confusion, what had happened to Katsuki Bakugou in these past 7 years?! He was certain it wasn’t all arouse, or that the man was trying to bring his guard down, because Katsuki sounded genuine. Until the age of 2 or 3 they were actually really close, but for some reason by the end of their first year of primary school, he’d started picking on Izuku, or taking out his anger on the smaller boy. He had no idea what triggered it, but in the end, he was left emotionally scarred. Now, the man standing before him exuded a broken version of that 3-year-old child he once knew.

“You’re right. I lost count of how many times I ran home in tears because of you. We were best friends and it really hurt when you started picking on me and being mean to me.” The pain evident in his voice rang out into the small, shared room. “I don’t care why you did it. But,” Izuku continued with a sigh, “you’re right, I don’t wanna rehash the past either, so if we can just start over and put up with being roommates, we’ll see how it goes.”

“I’d like that. A-and I know it might not mean much but am sorry Zuku— about how I’d treated you. I promise, I’m not that guy anymore.”

“I believe you.” And he did, for now. Deep down, Izuku always tried to stay positive because if he didn’t, and allowed the irrational thoughts to fester, it could pull him right back into an episode. He didn’t fully trust Katsuki yet, but if was serious about going into the counseling field, he also knew it was important to continue moving forward. That didn’t mean divulging all of his secrets, or telling Katsuki about his own struggles, but he’ll stay alert to make sure that at any sign the man was slipping, he’d get out of there.

As the first two months crept along, the roommates went about their own business with very little interactions at first. It was a bit weird to Izuku, to be in a shared room where their beds were literally just a few feet from one another’s, yet they were lucky to go beyond a good morning or hello. In comfortable situations, he was a bubbly person who genuinely enjoyed talking to people, so the stillness of their room was unnerving. Of course, this was better than feeling fearful around Katsuki, but how are they to move forward and maybe become friends again, if they weren’t interacting?

So, because they weren’t talking, Izuku did the next best thing and observed. One thing that had not changed about Katsuki, was being meticulous. The blondes side of the room was always neat and tidy, books or stationery on the desk stacked perfectly, clothes in the closet organized by color and type, even the bed was always made with crisp corners. Early to bed and early to rise, the man had a ritual of sorts. If he wasn’t studying at his desk, he’d be on his bed reading or listening to music. Even the way Katsuki ate was curious to Izuku, constantly wiping his hands or face of any residue. There were a few things the blonde requested of him, no scented candles or strong, smelling fish type meals, and to leave his side of the curtains closed, something about the sunlight bothering him. They were simple enough requests to acquiesce to.

The man rarely left the room except to go to class and as far as he could tell, Katsuki had only one other friend on the campus who’d occasionally drop by. A nice guy, very friendly named Eijiro Kirishima. Well, he assumed they were friends because most of the time, his roommate stayed quiet while Eijiro did the talking. Izuku was pretty sure he spoke to the man more then Katsuki during these visits. They seemed unlikely friends really, one happy-go-lucky, and one anti-social... kind of reminded him of their once friendship now that he thought about it.

Izuku could appreciate the idea of sticking to familiar surroundings. Their dorm room was a sanctuary for him as well. He avoided large, crowded areas as much as possible, and if he didn’t know anyone, did his best to be inconspicuous. But within their room, with just the two of them, it should be a comfortable experience. Before coming to the school, he’d wondered what his roommate would be like or imagined making friends, so it was a little disappointing. By the third month it was a close friend of Izuku’s that suggested he make the first move to engage Katsuki in conversations. Start out simple, maybe learn any hobbies, what music he listened to, his major, etc. Forget the fact he knew the man and pretend as if he’s trying to make a new friend. Ugh, he hated making the first move. Izuku preferred being engaged not initiating it because it drove his anxieties up. But they were right. ‘Think of it like practice,’ Izuku reasoned with himself, ‘pulling a difficult client out of their shell.’

It was a lazy Sunday around midterms when Izuku decided to make a move. As he sat rested on his bed similarly to Katsuki, with his back against the wall and a textbook propped on his legs. Every few seconds, he glanced over the book’s edge, side-eyeing the blonde who was also nose deep into a chemistry textbook. Should he say something? But the man looked preoccupied, and Chemistry is a difficult subject. Maybe he shouldn’t bother Katsuki? He didn’t want to be annoying or anything and it wasn’t important really. Then again, the guy was always preoccupied with something or other and if he waited for a perfect moment, what if it never came? Would he wait forever? No, this was as good a time as ever.

Izuku lowered his book. “H-How’s the studying going Kacchan?”

The blonde turned to look at him briefly. “Fine.” Then returned to his reading.

“Oh, that’s good.”

Ugh! It was always so hard to get a read on Katsuki! His affect and tone were flat, no anger, amusement, nothing, just his common one worded response. It was rare for the blonde to give or maintain eye contact, so at least the man looked at him this time.

He tried another question. “I noticed your chemistry book, is that your major?”

“Yup.”

“Um, what do you do with a chemistry degree?” Izuku asked genuinely.

This time Katsuki surprised Izuku when he stopped and put his book down before engaging. “I’m fascinated by the chemical reactions of fire and combustion. How it works, why it occurs, how it can be manipulated, stuff like that. And I don’t know, I could be a scientist, or maybe do pyrotechnics, just work somewhere I don’t have to talk to too many people.”

“Wow! I mean I was never good at math and stuff to understand, but it sounds pretty interesting.”

“I guess so. What’s with the questions all of a sudden?”

“W-Well,” Izuku shifted his body to face the man completely, “we’re roommates. I don’t expect us to be full-on friends, but I figured it would be nice to talk sometimes.” Katsuki’s silent reply of nothing forced him to make a decision to continue talking, because he assumed if the man wasn’t interested, he would have turned away. Silence wasn’t exactly a normal response, but maybe the blonde really wasn’t sure what to say next. “I don’t expect you tell me super personal stuff— just small talk. Like, um, what kind of music do you like?”

“Alternative.”

Izuku’s eyes flashed with surprise at such a quick response. Okay, so Katsuki was fine with answering. “I like that too! Well, some,” he giggled. “Though I mostly listen to pop now. What about movies?”

“Horror films.”

“Oof,” Izuku cringed. “I can’t handle those they scare me too much!”

“I remember. It gave you nightmares.”

Bouncing on the bed, Izuku’s legs moved to hang over the edge in his excitement. He was really surprised in a good way that Katsuki remembered something so mundane about him. “Wow! You still remember that?! Yeah,” he laughed, “I’ll stick to sci-fi or action. Plus, I’m not fond of theaters anyways so, I just watch stuff on my laptop.”

“Why not? You used to be the outgoing one.”

That made Izuku flinch because he wasn’t ready to tread into that territory with his former bully. “Oh, you know, it’s always crowded, and you have to deal with parent-less kids causing a racket in the place. I rather just enjoy my movie without all that.”

“Makes sense. I don’t care to go to places like that either.”

“Yeah, I noticed that— is there anything you do like or hobbies maybe?”

“Just exercising in the early morning, by myself, except since Eijiro inserted himself, I tolerate him.”

So, that confirmed what he’d already suspected. Katsuki kept his body in really great shape and that hadn’t gone unnoticed by Izuku. But since he wasn’t much of a morning person, he didn’t notice what time Katsuki left the dorm, only the man’s return, showered and refreshed. Needless to say, the blonde male with wet hair was nice to look at and smelled good too. “Oh,” his face heated up at the thought of it, but he needed to play dumb. “So, that’s what you do in the mornings. I wondered about that.”

Things between the roommates settle into a comfortable routine. As another month passes by, Izuku still needed to start the conversation, but at least Katsuki would respond amicably or engaged with him, and to his delight with the help of Eijiro, they’d even managed to get the man to go out to dinner once. Those years of dread and angst were melting away, and soon enough Izuku looked forward to spending time with his old friend.

He still couldn’t get a full read on Katsuki’s demeanor. The man’s emotionless responses made it difficult to tell whether or not he was even enjoying anything. So, Izuku could only assume that by participating, he didn’t mind. The old Katsuki would say whatever he was thinking, good or bad, and while he got the sense that he would do so as needed, such as letting him know about the scent issue, it would be really nice if it didn’t feel like a guessing game all the time. Regardless, the progress they were making to rekindle any sort of relationship was a win in Izuku’s mind.

“Here.”

Izuku looked up from his desk to see a plastic shopping bag held in Katsuki’s hand. “What’s this?” He took it tentatively.

“I saw it at the store. You still into this stuff?”

He opened the bag and pulled out the latest action figure of his favorite comic book character. It was a figurine he’d been saving up his spare money to buy. “Kacchan,” Izuku looked back up curiously at the man. “Is this for me? How’d you know?”

Katsuki just shrugged. “Just remembered you were obsessed with the guy.”

“Thank you, really, but I can’t except this gift, it’s not even my birthday.”

“Just take it. Think of it as an I’m sorry gift if it makes you feel better.”

As Izuku sat there stunned, the blonde simply went back to his bed without another word and picked up a book as if nothing significant had just occurred.

“T-Thank you, Kacchan.”

“Yeah, no prob.”

His face heated up and a smile took over as he stared at the action figure for a few seconds before staging it prominently on his bedside table. Izuku had left all of his collectibles at home, so it was nice to have something in their room. But even more important, was again, Katsuki remembered something about Izuku from their childhood and took the time to get this gift. Despite their long rocky history, this small act meant the world to him. It was the first true moment to make Izuku think, maybe they really could be like they once were.

Finals were approaching in barely two more weeks, and some students were already stressing out. The anxiety in the air felt palpable to Izuku. He could feel it practically oozing off the other students. Of course, everyone dealt with stress in different ways. Some went inwards, the pressure fueling them to work harder while other’s went the completely opposite route of goofing off and procrastinating. Other’s might stress eat, binge caffeine drinks, and friends banded together in study groups. But then there are the ones who took out their frustrations and stress on others.

Bullies. The bane of Izuku’s existence.

Most of the time, he could easily avoid their type around campus. He’d developed a sixth sense for such individuals which his therapist explained as a heightened sense of energy levels. It’s really not as mystical as it sounds, rather that, those like him that suffer from a high level of anxiety, are sensitive to other people’s emotional outputs. Being bullied or harassed himself certainly sent his anxiety’s skyrocketing but seeing it could also trigger a problem depending on the severity.

Hence his current predicament...

It was the end of the day for Izuku and he was ready to just get back to his dorm, eat something, and dive into his studies. One of his teachers had released the finals study guide early, so he thought it best to get a head start. But as he made his way past the row of dorm buildings, Izuku spotted something that sent a cold chill down his spine. Three men cornering a fourth. They were at least 50 yards away and he couldn’t hear everything they were yelling. Something about a group project, pulling weight— One man had grabbed the victims shirt and was semi-lifting him up while the other two men just watched and egged him on.

Oh, this was not good! Izuku’s memories started to replay and his experiences were brought back to the forefront. The men’s faces were so close... he could almost feel the hot breath wafting over, spit hitting his face, or the smell of the bullies breath. It made him sick to his stomach. Izuku’s heart raced, his throat began to close up, and breathing grew erratic. He needed to get out of there! The red piercing eyes of his nightmares took center stage in his mind’s eye... all those times he was harassed and battered by Katsuki rushing back like a wave to toss him against a wall of sandy hair.

‘Deep breaths, deep breaths, deep breaths!’ Izuku screamed in his head, ‘calm down, calm down, get back to my room! It’s not you, it’s not you... it’s not him! It’s not him!!’

Izuku picked up the pace, a fast walk over a running sprint to avoid being noticed. The last thing he needed was to draw attention to himself and risk becoming the new target. He dug his nails hard into his arm to force his mind towards a physical distraction, but it wasn’t working.

A deep voice screamed, cursing at the top of its lungs, and filling Izuku’s mind, just like that long ago day. The worst attack, the one that finally pushed his mother to move him to a different school. All the fear coursing through his veins rush back, heart pounding against his rib cage. Katsuki had grabbed him, hand fisted into his shirt as he pushed Izuku up a wall and off his feet. He could still feel the cold stone wall behind him juxtaposed to the pain from his hot throbbing lip and swollen cheek where he’d been struck.

He burst through the dorm room door, stumbling, spilling his bag onto the floor as he fell to his knees, gasping for air because his jaw felt locked up and he couldn’t get enough air. All of his muscles were tensing up, imagined or not, it felt like he was suffocating. His body was shaking, sweating— he wanted to puke.

“Whoa, Zuku, what’s wrong?!”

Katsuki had rushed over and dropped to the floor, grabbing Izuku by the shoulders to hold him up and steady. But he couldn’t answer the man in words. Tears were streaming down his face as he did his best to focus and answer the man, but it was tough, fighting against the rapid assault of images in his mind and cursing blaring in his eardrums.

“Fuck, um, allergic reaction?!”

Izuku shook his head violently, no.

“Choking?!”

Again, Izuku shook his head violently, no.

“Panic attack?!”

Izuku now adamantly shook his head, yes!

“Okay, okay, shit, panic attacks, um, it’s been awhile, what do I— oh, right, okay, okay, d-don’t move!” Katsuki stumbled back to his feet and ran out of the room, coming back within a minute with a cup of ice cubes from the common kitchen. He takes one, two, three, shoving it into Izuku’s mouth. It took a bit of effort to get the man’s jaw to open wide enough to shove it in. “Close your mouth all the way, try to get the ice to touch the roof of your mouth.”

Seconds after the ice touched, it sent a brain freeze from hell shooting through Izuku’s pain receptors. “Ahhh!” He spat out all the melting cubes as his hands fly up to his head, cradling, squeezing to counter against the physical pain, “cold! Cold! Cold!”

At that statement, Katsuki slumped back onto his haunches in relief. “Oh good, it worked.” He then took Izuku’s hands with an even soft tone. “Look at me.” Once the man complied, he continued. “Focus on your breathing, inhale when I say to, exhale when I say to.”

Izuku struggled against the embers of irrational thoughts coupled with the brain freeze coming down. His breathing stayed haggard, jagged as he fought his own mind to follow Katsuki’s instructions. But every time he’d start to struggle, the man would refocus him back to the breathing by pressing his thumb nail into the webbing of Izuku’s hand. Not very hard, but enough of a sting to bring back his focus on the physical. It took about 15 minutes until he could breathe in time with Katsuki’s words.

Be it the overwhelming sense of release or sheer exhaustion, Izuku collapsed on to Katsuki’s chest. His panicked breathing whittled down to silent sobbing. The blonde didn’t move or flinch and held the man up, simply keeping his arms around his back without a word. Minutes dragged by as the tears finally slowed.

“Thank you, Kacchan,” Izuku breathed out. “How’d you know what to do?”

“Let’s just say, I’ve had my share.”

Izuku sat back, rubbing away the moisture drying on his cheeks as he looked at his roommate with new eyes. “You? W-When? I-I mean if you don’t wanna say, it’s fine, I’ll understand. We probably both have a lot a secrets.”

Katsuki thought for a moment. “If I tell you what happened, you gotta come clean too.”

He hadn’t expected that, but after what had just occurred, perhaps it was time. “Okay,” Izuku nods.

“In middle school I was sent to a therapist because of my anger issues and diagnosed as a high functioning autistic. Frankly, I don’t know how much to believe in that, but in the end, the therapist was a good thing.” Katsuki leaned back against a desk leg. “The short answer, I learned the reason I’d started bullying you was because I was getting frustrated with myself which lead to anger, and I wrongly took it out on the closest person to me.”

“Why were you frustrated? I thought we were fine...”

“It had nothing to do with you. It was me and I don’t know, I just started feeling different, I didn’t like being around people, didn’t understand or even care about anyone because I couldn’t figure out how to fit in. Yet I’d watch you make friends so effortlessly and I got mad. There’s a lot more to it, even blamed my mom for some of it, but I just didn’t know how else to get it out except through anger. It took a few years to learn to control myself. That’s one of the reasons I got into exercising. If I start feeling frustrated, I can take it out that way now, burn off the excess energy I guess.”

Izuku was a little taken aback at the idea Katsuki’s been diagnosed on the autism spectrum. The man didn’t seem like he had a mental disorder, but the clues were there. The aversion to certain stimulus, social apathy, his fixations on certain elements. “Wow... I had no idea. It doesn’t excuse what you did, but I’m glad you’ve come this far.”

“So, what about you?”

“I don’t think it was just the bullying that started it all. After my dad left us, I was already vulnerable, it’s why I latched onto you so quickly. So, when you started— I-I felt extremely hurt. You were my first friend, my best friend Kacchan and when you started hurting me... I don’t know what was worse, the physical pain or the mental ones. By the time I moved schools, I’d developed anxiety and depression, and it got so bad my mom finally took me to a therapist where I worked all through high school to get it under control. I do really good now, but sometimes things trigger me.” More tears resurface to cloud Izuku’s eyes, but he kept them from spilling. “Today, on my way here, I-I saw a guy being harassed and it brought it all back again. Nothing was working, so I just thought if I could just get to safety, a-and I don’t know, I figured I could get it under control once I was alone. But I’m glad you were here, because I don’t think I could have. You really, saved me today Kacchan.”

“It doesn’t make up for anything. I’m the asshole who made you like this.”

He snorted a laugh, “that’s for sure, but the cause became the cure.”

“What?”

“You caused this, but today you cured it. That means a lot to me because I do want to forgive you.”

“No. I don’t deserve a second chance. I’m content that we’re at least on speaking terms again and I could make amends somehow.”

“Kacchan, everyone deserves a second chance.” Izuku’s smile returned. “We were kids. You didn’t know better. And you’ve changed, that’s the important thing. I think we’ve both changed.”

“How?”

“Well, it’s those experiences that helped me to find a new passion in life to help others— people like us who are struggling with something. Turn a negative into a positive.”

“How the hell do you do that? You just had a panic attack and you’re already sunny smiles again. I mean you were always like this, and it’s me, I just don’t get emotions, but if you wanna forgive me, I guess I can’t stop you.”

Izuku shrugged. “Nope you, can’t,” he smiled wider. “Right now, this is probably the happiest I’ve felt in a very long time.” He stood up and extended a hand, helping Katsuki to his feet. “Dinner, my treat.”

“I don’t feel like going out.”

“I know,” Izuku smiled. “I’ll order in.”

[sleepyfan-blog]

Ripples

A/N: This was a request from @littlepigart . The ask they sent me got eaten.

Fandom: UTMV

Characters: Dream, Ink, XGaster

Warnings: none, ask to tag

Word count: 2,250

Summary: Of the people and things that Ink shows XGaster while encouraging the other to keep improving the story of his world, he brings the other to Dream, and the two have a brief chat. 

Tagslist:  @anxiety-is-married-to-depression @angelofthehalfmoon @trainwreck-of-skeletons @hisame-amadashi @therandomskelekey

"-and while I do know what it's like to be discouraged and to feel as if you're lost and nothing is going to go well... You see... As I've shown you, there are many worlds, many different stories that are told,  in endless variations. So, g when I bring you home, I hope that you understand that the story of your world is meant to unfold as it is - bright points and imperfections all in one." Ink finished, a warm smile appearing on his face as he gestured expansively to the doodlesphere, looking up at the Gaster he'd been speaking with.

The tall skeleton frowned a little, pushing his glasses so that they sat right on his face "I... There are indeed many worlds... Many timelines... I'm just.. It's staggering how many there truly are.."

"Yup~ And new worlds to appear at any time. Some are just sketches - concept worlds that are newly born. It's really exciting to watch the creator find more light, colors and life to fill them with. But each world has its’ own story. Isn't it amazing?" The creative guardian prompted with a grin.

"I... All of this is truly impressive. I'm just... I don't know if there really is anything I can do in my own world that can compare to any of these worlds… Perhaps I..." He sighs, shaking his head a little "I do not know if my imagination is not working well enough, or if I have simply hit a creative block of some kind." The Gaster responded, shaking his head a little, curling in on himself a bit. He doesn't want to tell the eager and cheerful young skeleton that he is still on the fence about destroying the world, and allowing the children to be free of suffering an imperfect story, in an imperfect world...

"Well, I know someone who will cheer you up from your slump!! He always makes me feel better, and I don't even have to constantly talk to him either. Come with me to the OT and I'll introduce you to him." Ink grinned, a strange grey door appearing before the two of them.

Before XGaster could ask where this door lead, Ink has already dragged him through it, and in a world that seems to be an odd mishmash of many timelines, multiple copies of different monsters and humans, Ink is shouting "Dreaaam? Oh Dreaaam, where are you?"

A bright yellow and blue sans alternate (as Ink was a sans alternate too) came running towards them "I’m right here, Ink. What's going on? I just finished talking to a couple of newcomers. They're settling in as well as can be expected... I just wish that there was more that could be done..."

Ink shrugged, gently patting Dream on one shoulder, answering with a shrug "It's up to the determined human, and in timelines that they come from..."

Dream winces a little and then looks over at XGaster, curious "Who's your friend, Ink?"

"Oh! This is XGaster, he comes from an... Interesting timeline. I've never seen an AU like his before, but he's feeling a little... Discouraged. He.. He's..."  Ink's eye lights are a very bright pink, the other yellow "He's... a creator."

Dream stills for a moment,  a soft gasp leaving him and the other bowed a little "O-Oh... It's... It's an honor to meet you, XGaster. Frisk - Core!Frisk that is - is the one who created this timeline."

"he's having a bit of a creative block and feeling a little blue, so I thought I'd bring him to you. YOu always seem to know what's the best thing to keep everyone positive." Ink hummed, his eye lights rapidly shifting shape and color as he spoke.

Dream nods, a determined expression appearing on his face, and he murmurs "I'm not quite sure what I can do to help encourage a creator... But I can do my best. Ink - the newcomers need housing, and they are running low on supplies. I don't suppose that you wouldn't mind making them living accomodations? They're that way..."

"Sure think, Dreamy. You take good care of XGaster while I'm gone, alright? I'll be back soon enough. Ciao~!" Ink answered back, rushing off in a blur of colors and movement.

Dream clears his nonexistent throat a little and asks quietly "So... So what in particular is upsetting you?"

"I just... I want to make sure that the world is perfect, you know? But... In the first iteration of our world, the humans turned on our ambassador, Frisk. because they couldn't age, and stayed an eternal child. I rewound the world back to the beginning and... In the next timeline, another war broke out, which we monsters won, but at a dear cost... SEveral more iterations, and things have gone wrong in some way... I can't... I can't seem to make the narrative of the story end purely happily, and I don't know how to make the story perfect... Ink says that no story is perfect and I... I understand that in theory... But I just... I want everyone to get their happy endings." XGaster sighed, frowning a little as he paced back and forth in front of the shorter skeleton. He was surprised at how... Calm he was feeling. Normally by this time he' either be yelling in frustration, or at the point of tears, or a combination of the two.

Dream looked at him for several seconds quietly before responding, voice gentle and comforting "it's quite noble of you to want to ensure the best ending possible for everyone... But if everyone had the same ending... Then would they really have different personalities? Because sure... You could take away every individual's personality and reformat them to obey you, and end up as nearly emotionless husks of their former selves... But then they wouldn't be able to reach their full potential, though technically they would be happy, or whatever emotion that you'd want them to... In my experience, there are good experiences and bad experiences. There must be a balance of both to live life to the fullest. The bad things help you grow... Or at least.... They should..." 

XGaster thought about what the other had to say - so suffering may be a necessary component of a life lived well? An odd thought... But the shorter skeleton seemed to be distressed by something "Are... Are you alright?"

"O... I'm fine. Everyone feels frustrated or... Or as if things aren't going well. But you've got to push through it. There are shadows, but there is also light. You've just got to open your eyes and grasp it. Even if it's a faint flicker of candlelight." Dream responded, flashing a bright smile at him. He fidgeted a little and asks shyly "Ink... Ink said that you're a creator... If it's not impertinent to ask... How?"

XGaster smiled a little, glad to show the other "I possess this." the OVERWRITE button glowed a bright purple beneath his hands "It allows me to create, destroy or change anything I want, however I want. The only limits are my imagination and the amount of magic I have at any one point in time, at least so far as I have found."

Dream nodded, the smile on his face fading a little as he stared into the distance, fidgeting with his hands as if he were thinking about something. "Ah...  What did Ink tell you about me?"

"That you were a friend of his who cheered him up when he was feeling down. I understand what he meant. I feel much better, thank you." XGaster responded, smiling warmly at the other, gently patting the other on one shoulder.

"Thank you... Uhm... Can you affect people or beings from other timelines, or just your own?" Dream asked curiously "and I asked about that as I... I'm... I'm the guardian of positivity. I try to encourage positive feelings in the beings of the multiverse..."

He seemed... Disquieted about something, and XGaster had a hunch there was a reason why he was asking about the nature of OVERWRITE. Nevertheless, he had no reason to not answer "Yes, I can - I helped to fix a broken door in an underswap, and healed an injured monster in a... I believe he called it a Swapfell? Ink was a bit annoyed at me, but the monster was grateful."

"I... Alright. Okay, you can... You can affect beings outside of your timeline. I... Forgive me if this is impertinent but... I have a favor to ask of you, but only if you promise to never tell anyone... Including Ink?" Dream murmurs, voice low and quavering. His smile had faded completely and the sans alternate looked very small and vulnerable.

"I'll try my best to do as you ask, and I'll keep it from Ink. What is it that you want?" XGaster asks curiously, having no idea what the young guardian might want to ask of him. 

"You... While you were with Ink... You may have noticed that there are a lot of AUs and Timelines that are... Not... Not very happy... There's a reason for that, and it's due to the fact that the... There is an imbalance of power between myself and the... The former guardian of negativity. I'm not asking you to try to correct that... I don't know if you *can* considering the nature of what happened. What I am asking you... He and I are bound together by the strings of fate." Dream pauses for a couple of moments.

The guardian seems to be very upset as he continues to speak, XGaster stays quiet as Dream starts talking again.

"If one of us dies, so does the other. I... I'd rather... I don't... I don't want to be bound to him so closely. He has become a cruel and vicious tyrant. Someone who... Who Ink and I fight against, and while I desperately want to believe that I can... That one day I can bright him back from the darkness and corruption he has stumbled into... He's been this dark, corrupted caricature of the... Of the person I have known since the moment we were first created. I'm... I'm asking you to sever that bond, in case... In case there is no way to cure that corruption and he... He needs to die. Because I... I need to be able to be alive to fix the damage that he has caused if... If he..." Dream is unable to continue speaking, having buried his hands in his face, shoulders shaking as he sobbed silently.

"If it turns out that he does need to be killed, as you may have no other choice? I have never heard of such a bond. I will attempt to sever it - if you do die in the process, I believe that I can ressurect you. I have brought back the dead in the past." XGaster responds, summoning OVERWRITE and using it to bring up Dream's code - rather surprised to find out that, among other things, this slight skeleton is over five hundred years old. He scrolls through the other's data until he finds the fate bond. He studies the code closely before inputting the information and binding it with magic, severing the life and death connection between the two of them - making sure that the dark, twisted creature Dream was up until now bound to, would not find out as the bond snapped. OVERWRITE fades from existence and Dream wakes.

"I... D-Did it work?" The centuries old guardian asked, anxious.

"Yes. You two are no longer fate bound... And the only way he will find out is if one of the two of us tell shim, and I certainly won't say anything about it. Stay safe, Dream. Thank you for your words of encouragement." Changing the code of the monsters and humans around him... He hadn't considered that until Dream had asked him to. It was something that was definitely worth thinking more about. 

The positive spirit tackled him and hugged him tightly, a wide, bright smile appearing on his face as Dream murmured "Thank you... Thank you so much! You... You have no idea how much of a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders."

"we all have our burdens to bear, and battles to fight. You have helped me a great deal, and I am glad to have been able to help you in kind." XGaster responded, a small smile appearing on his face. he's surprised that he can so deeply affect the nature of someone so critical to the balance of the multiverse. This power of his is something that he very much needed to put forethought into, and move with cautious careful care... Experiment bit by bit, to see just what and how much he could do, to ensure that he had his perfect story.

Ink pops up just as the two of them stop hugging, and asks "How are you feeling, XGaster?"

"Much better. I can understand why you like Dream quite a bit. He is certainly quite inspiring. I believe I am ready to go home and continue crafting the story as it should be." XGaster murmured with a warm smile, dozens of ideas from the many worlds he had visited - and from what he'd learned from Dream - floating through his mind. He'd be sure to mute the fear, hatred and distress the monsters and humans could feel. The last thing he needed was for Nightmare to find him.

[julianmakesmydickhard]

uncomfortably deep and personal questions

questions here

————

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

thankfully, me and my mom are super close.... we don’t talk about my dad tho

02: Who’s the last person you said “i love you” too?

man, i tell everyone that i love them. i truly love everyone that shows even the slightest bit of kindness towards me

03: Do you regret anything?

yes,

04: Are you insecure?

oh yea. part of it is my introverted, soft spoken personality, and part of it is just how negatively i see myself oop

05: What is your relationship status?

single, unfortunately lol

06: How do you want to die?

painlessly. the pain that comes with death is what scares me the most i think

07: When did you last eat?

lunch!! i had a bomb ass colombian dish,, man do my people know how cook good food

08: Played any sports?

does show choir count?? aggressive dancing with aggressive singing??

09: Do you bite your nails?

nope

10: When was your last physical fight?

i know i say that i want to slap people sometimes, but i’ve never actually done it

11: Do you like someone?

y’all, im always attracted to someone sksksk

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?

yup

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment?

yes, but we don’t talk about him

14: Do you miss someone?

oh god yes...

15: Have any pets?

yes!! i have one lil doggie

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?

i’m very tired lol. it’s like 11pm which is v late for me since i have 7am classes

17: Ever made out in the bathroom?

nope, bathrooms are gross

18: Are you scared of spiders?

yes, have you seen them??

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

yes, imagine all the things you could change or prevent

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone?

honestly, it’s been a while, i don’t really remember

21: What are your plans for this weekend?

i’m gonna go see a play that one of my friends is starring in on saturday and then i’m gonna celebrate my birthday with my doggo on sunday

22: Do you want to have kids? How many?

ahh, this is such a difficult question. i want to give my kids the childhood that i never got. but what happens if by some circumstance, i give them the childhood i had, and negatively impact their life through it?

23: Do you have piercings? How many?

i just have my ears pierced

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)?

english and art! math and science are my worst. i guess i function best when i’m able to use the creative and imaginative side of me whereas i fail when logic and reason come into play

25: Do you miss anyone from your past?

yes yes yes and yes

26: What are you craving right now?

blueberries

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

no, never

28: Have you ever been cheated on?

yes

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

no. unless something changed in their heart and they, for some reason, felt bad for treating me so badly, and decided to weep, no

30: What’s irritating you right now?

so many things ahhh,, why do i have to be so introverted? why am i so deperate to find love, when it keeps biting me in the butt?.why can’t i make friends as easily as other people?

31: Does somebody love you?

honestly, i don’t think anyone does, maybe only my mother?

32: What is your favourite color?

auburn

33: Do you have trust issues?

oh god i wish i did. i wish i was able to keep people at a distance. i let people in and basically ask them to use my secrets, my insecurities, my whatever, to break me. and then the cycle goes on and on

34: Who/what was your last dream about?

i dreamt about me meeting billie eilish a couple of days ago. it was v nice

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of?

i don’t know lol, there’s not a lot of people around to see me cry i guess

36: Do you give out second chances too easily?

yea, it’s not good i know

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget?

forgive

38: Is this year the best year of your life?

no, but it’s definitely not the worst, and i’m thankful for that

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss?

i don’t remember, but i do know that i was v late to the game

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked?

god no

51: Favourite food?

colombian food, thai food, japanese food

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

i want to believe this, but sometimes shitty things happen and i’m like wow, there’s literally no benefit or reason to why this happened except to make me feel like shit

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

kissed my doggo goodnight

54: Is cheating ever okay?

if you’re my friend, i’m just gonna say that even if you’ve cheated on someone before, i don’t see you as less of a person or a friend. people make mistakes, and it’s also part of who i am: someone who tried to look past the bad and see the good, ahhh i don’t know how to explain this the right way but i hope you understand my pov. anyways, i’ve been cheated on before and it sucked balls. so no, i don’t think it’s ever ok in a relationship. but i also don’t think that it’s something that should affect your friendship with someone. i think cheating is something that needs to be dealt with among the cheater and the cheated and shouldn’t bleed into your friendship with a random, uninvolved person. but you can totally disagree with me and that’s fine!! everyone is subject to their own opinion based on their own experiences and personalities etc.

55: Are you mean?

i don’t think so!! but then again, i can’t really be the judge of that lol. i try my hardest to be the friend that i’ve always wanted, if that makes sense. i try to be kind, and supportive, and positive, and there for them, etc.

56: How many people have you fist fought?

no one, ive never gotten into a physical fight

57: Do you believe in true love?

it’s not that i believe in true love, it’s that i hope and pray for it. i hope that one day i’ll find it

58: Favourite weather?

cold, cloudy, people walking around in big, fluffy jackets and scarves

59: Do you like the snow?

yes! i saw snow for the first time in my life a couple of weeks ago!

60: Do you wanna get married?

ahhhh,, my parents set a really bad example for good marriage. my parents’ marriage taught me that men can change over time. and that once they’re safe in the bounds of marriage, theyll stop their act, get tired of you, and act like a totally new person. and that... scares me. i don’t want a husband like my dad and i’m so afraid that the same situation will happen to me

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

yes, names like baby, sweetheart, love, honey etc. make my heart weak

62: What makes you happy?

real friends, tight hugs, platonic cuddling, romantic cuddling, acts of service, uplifting words, hand holding, forehead kisses, soft intimacy, need i go on?

63: Would you change your name?

i wold ditch my last name.. can you guess why? i’d love if my middle name became my last name, legally

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

romantically? yea

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

nothing, cuz that kind of stuff doesn’t happen to me

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?

no. i try my hardest to only let my friends see the happy side of me. i don’t like burdening them with all the bad emotions i sometimes feel. my complete self would be if i shared ALL of my emotions, the bad as well as the good. but i think it’s better this way, they would most definitely get annoyed after a little bit of time

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

probably my friend tino

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

i don’t remember,, it’s been a long time since i’ve actually talks about truly deep subjects with someone personally,,

69: Do you believe in soulmates?

i want to believe it. i want to believe that i’ll one day find the person of my dreams. the person that fits so perfectly with me and is just so perfect ahhh

70: Is there anyone you would die for?

i don’t know, i’m selfish when it comes to dying. death scares me

[bigskydreaming]

Seriously, for fuck’s sake, I know that post was AT LEAST as far back as December, if not more, and it literally had less than ten notes just two hours ago.

But remember! I’m on a fucking CRUSADE! I just want to take away peoples’ rape fics and harmless kiddie porn fantasies and I just can’t respect the fact that as long as people just TAG their ‘herein lies my advertisement of the fact that hahaha, omg I think what happened to you is actually kinda hot and sexy giggle giggle aren’t I so TABOO????’ smut like lol okay, well that doesn’t affect me at all, I’m not remotely bothered by having to spend every single day wading through reminders of how much more fascinating people find rape than actual survivors of said things. 

I’m the one who has no idea how to live in a society with other people and suck it up and deal with the fact that sometimes, people do and say things that make us uncomfortable and we wish we could avoid, but just shut the fuck up and keep that to yourself, right? Don’t like....TELL people they’ve made you uncomfortable and are doing things that you wish they’d think about more critically, gosh, all that’s gonna do is make THEM uncomfortable then, why couldn’t you just kept it to yourself, how dare you think TALKING about problems is the solution?????

Yup yup, I’m clearly the one who has no boundaries and no regard for other people and can’t let people just have their harmless fun, their different opinions that don’t actually affect me, I’m the one who just can’t seem to stop from hunting down posts I don’t agree with and hopping on other blogs and resurrecting weeks or months old posts just to make sure EVERYONE KNOWS THIS POST WAS WROOOOOOONG. Lmao.

Well I’m very sorry for all that, now that mine eyes have been opened! Rape fics are harmless and this is all just fictional, nobody is actually affected in a negative way by anything being talked about here yaaaaaaay!

Anyway, I’m off to spend the rest of the night trying to calm down lolol because fun fact for people who love to talk about being triggered but have no real clue what they’re actually talking about and how that word was never meant to describe being like...upset or angry but rather the stimuli or situations that put survivors and people with PTSD and other mental disorders into actual goddamn panic spirals and attacks. And thus like, triggers are not as fucking obvious as some of you seem to think they are.

Like lol guess what, I actually can read a scene wherein someone’s raping someone in a scene that looks or sounds EXACTLY LIKE MY RAPE and it can be heart-wrenching and it can be graphic and it can be emotional and I can still not be triggered by that! Know why? Because shockingly, I AM aware that this is just fictional! That these are just fictional characters! That no fictional character and no real person has been harmed in the writing of this scene, because FICTIONAL CHARACTERS CAN’T BE HARMED! Know what else fictional characters can’t be? RAPED. Because rape is not a VISUAL, rape is not an ACTION, rape is not a SPECIFIC SEQUENCE OF EVENTS. Rape is a THEFT, it is one person STEALING another person’s ability to control what happens with their body, taking what they have no right to take, just because they WANT to, just because they CAN. And thus NO rape scene, no matter HOW well written or realistically depicted, is ever going to BE a rape scene, just like no ‘rape fantasy’ roleplay is ever going to BE rape because without an actual DYNAMIC of one person taking something the other person has no power to stop, when its two equally consenting partners or two flat fictional characters on a page, it is still nothing more than a SIMULATION of rape, and NEVER ANYTHING MORE THAN THAT.

And guess what? I can handle THAT just fine. THAT doesn’t trigger me no matter how much it reminds me of my own trauma, because I KNOW DAMN WELL THAT ISN’T REAL.

But you know what IS real? You know what DOES trigger me? The CONTEXT of the scene. The REASON it was written, the intended REACTION of the reader.

The part that makes me lose my fucking shit is when I’m forced to face the reality that this scene exists, was written, because somebody found it HOT and SEXY and wanted to share it with people who’d see it the same way. The reason I lose my goddamn MIND and my adrenaline ramps up and my whole body starts shaking as my fight or flight instincts kick in with no actual outlet because there’s no actual threat, just the phantom reminder of a threat I couldn’t escape from....THAT fun little adventure comes from looking or hearing about things that remind me of my rape, take me back to that fucking room and make me a terrified out of my goddamn mind dumbass nineteen year old all over again.....and knowing that this is HOT to the writer and readers, that this is  intended as sexually gratifying, that this scene, this depiction, this simulation of one person STEALING from another powerless person SOMETHING THEY WILL NEVER EVER FUCKING BE ABLE TO GET BACK AS LONG AS THEY LIVE, THE SENSE OF SAFETY AND SECURITY THAT COMES FROM BEING THE ONLY PERSON WHO GETS TO DECIDE WHO HAS ACCESS TO YOUR BODY....knowing that this little smutty fic exists so people can read this and be TURNED ON by this, so they can GET OFF to this, this thing they’re looking at in their mind, reading about, picturing as they stare down at their screen getting all hot and bothered....

JUST LIKE MY FUCKING RAPIST LOOKED WHEN GETTING OFF FROM TAKING THOSE THINGS FROM ME.

THAT is what fucking triggers me, THAT is what makes me feel unsafe and panicky, THAT is what traps me all over again in that fucking goddamn room and leaves me STUCK there no matter how many years its been and HOW far I’ve come in getting past it...

THE CONSTANT NEVER ENDING REMINDER THAT PEOPLE THINK ITS TOTALLY NO BIG DEAL TO FUCKING AGREE WITH MY RAPIST ABOUT HOW FUCKING HOT AND SATISFYING THE VIEW IS FROM UP THERE.

And all the fucking trigger warnings in the world don’t protect me from THAT, they just emphasize how little people actually give a shit, they just want the magic answer to how they can have their fun ‘harmless’ little rape KINK without having someone make them feel bad for the fact that the rank goes FUN RAPE FANTASIES YAY first and survivors who have a problem with that way the fuck last.

Anyway, so that’s what I’ll be doing all night! Links to my paypal and my ko-fi are on my main blog page if anyone’s ever felt informed or learned anything from any of my many, many, MANY posts about this stuff or any form of gratitude for the effort I DO or at least once DID put into sorting through my thoughts and making my points in some kind of way that actually addresses the usual conversations around all this.

Because guess what? It IS goddamn fucking emotional labor. It DOES take work! Its EXHAUSTING. It HURTS. I would give anything in the world to NOT pick at that giant fucking scab as often as I do, but I DONT HAVE THAT OPTION. Because not talking about it DOESNT MAKE IT GO AWAY. It doesn’t make LESS for me to have to navigate through every goddamn day of my life and you know what the suggested response to problems that you can’t fix on your own are? Problems with SOCIETY?

HAVING GODDAMN CONVERSATIONS ABOUT IT.

So excuse me for SAYING that as often as I do especially cuz every time I DO I get maybe ten notes of acknowledgment that anyone’s even fucking LISTENING but meanwhile here’s another fucking five hundred on a Batfam or X-Men shit post, now THAT’S the content people want from me!

Guess what! I WANT THAT TO BE MY CONTENT TO!

I would LOVE nothing more than to just be able to happily and comfortably shitpost about my favorite superheroes and write stuff I enjoy and that doesn’t have the flaws I rant about seeing in so many shows and books. I could talk for HOURS about fun thoughts and ideas I have in my head, I could banter back and forth with my friends about nothing of substance at all for DAYS, I don’t NEED to fucking retraumatize myself every goddamn day screaming into the void about this shit so I can feel IMPORTANT or have something INTERESTING to blog about or whatever the fuck people think is my reason for ranting about this shit. ALL. THE. GODDAMN. TIME.

But I can’t do that, because there is not a fucking day that goes by, not a DAY where SOMETHING doesn’t cross my dash, or SOMETHING isn’t on an Ao3 page I’m searching through for fic about a fave character, that doesn’t set me off and make my body start shaking with how deeply, fundamentally UPSETTING it is to constantly be bombarded with reminders of just how easy people find it to reframe my trauma as something hot and sexy and WAY MORE WORTH DEFENDING than the very thought of me going ONE FUCKING DAY without having to stumble across bullshit like that. Because I CAN’T ‘dont like/dont read’ as much is out there. I don’t need to click on a fic to see this is smut fic by an author who thinks rape is hot and judging from the number of kudos and comments and hits is definitely on to something! GUESS I DID MY RAPE WRONG THEN, cuz it wasnt fucking hot for me!

I would love to just ‘avoid’ it so I can actually ENJOY my fucking time on the internet. But I CANT. Because its EVERYWHERE. And god forbid I try and start fucking CONVERSATIONS about that so that maybe, someday, after we’ve done the work as a society to examine WHY PEOPLE ARE SO FUCKING INVESTED IN THIS STUFF, I or at the very least people like me, can someday enjoy one day on the internet where they DONT have to constantly wade through an endless swamp of that shit.

Honestly. Seriously. I have said it so often I can not count. I do not want to censor anyone. I do not want power over what people can read or write. I just. want. to TELL people that when they write this stuff, it has CONSEQUENCES, that there are people it DOES hurt, and have them LISTEN, so that at least, at LEAST the ones who are bothered enough by that realization to NOT be comfortable writing it when faced with the awareness of the fact that their writing HAS THIS EFFECT WHETHER WE SAY IT TO THEIR FACES OR NOT, that THEY at least can decide....hey. What if I just...wrote something else instead?

But what the FUCK am I supposed to do with the constant, incessant reminder that people would rather dig in their heels in defense of their RAPE FANTASIES than roll up their sleeves and do a little fucking examination of WHY they and society at large are so fucking invested in this shit that the very IDEA of ‘giving up’ content like this for the sake of people who have actually LIVED through it, is just....INCOMPREHENSIBLE to them? That they feel ATTACKED by the very idea?

(And don’t fucking come at me with that ‘some survivors use it to cope’ stuff. Yeah, well I used to get in bar fights as my coping mechanism. Didn’t fucking mean it was healthy, and it wasn’t fucking harmless to anyone I punched in the goddamn face, now was it? Also, if you’re not a survivor and you hide behind that line, FEEL FUCKING ASHAMED for thinking of it as a kneejerk response to another survivor telling you your “kink” fucking hurts).

I’m out. See you all later.

[disruptedvice]

Two wrongs don’t make a right (but a double negative does make an affirmative)

A fluff/humor Peraltiago get together one shot

That Monday was the slowest day at a police precinct since police were even invented. The slowest day in history for cops and criminals (no robbers to catch, no nothin'). The slowest day since police even started being a thing, according to Jake Peralta.

It was the most boring day at work he had ever had. And it wasn't just him that thought the day was boring. Everyone was bored. Terry, Charles, Rosa, Hitchcock, Scully, and even Santiago was bored. She loved boring stuff. She got excited by boring stuff.

But even that Monday was too boring for Santiago.

Just paperwork, and then when that ran out it was just sitting there. There wasn't even enough paperwork to go around.

Jake never understood minesweeper and just clicked around randomly to blow stuff up, and he never had a hope of getting down the rules of solitaire. Eventually he resorted to just doing that select slide blue square with his cursor on his desktop over and over again because he was that bored.

He was so bored he couldn't even find the will to entertain himself. He couldn't be bothered to even try. Boyle kept trying to show him funny videos on youtube, but Jake was too bored to even give them a chance and just groaned every time Charles made the trip between their desks until he just stopped trying.

It was that boring.

He wasn't even tired enough to fall asleep, but he wished he was. Sleeping at his desk would be way better than this drag. But he was too awake to even get in a quick snooze and it was killing him. All this nothing.

Amy loved boring tedious stuff, but that day was too boring to even catch Amy Santiago's interest. She looked just as dead and faded as everyone else and started drawing circles on a sheet of paper because there was no paperwork to fill out after so long in. Jake would kill for some paperwork because he wanted something to occupy him other than banging his head on the desk, cause that got old (and painful) after 60 seconds.

About half an hour after Jake got home from the gray hell of work he got a text.

Amy: Are you busy? Can we talk?

Jake: I'm free as can be. You wanna come over? Or meet up or something somewhere

Not a second after he sent the text there was a knock at his door and he opened it to find his partner standing on the other side.

"I was already in the elevator when I realized I probably should have checked if you were even home first so it would be a little less rude," she explained looking like a mix between apologetic and hesitant as he let her inside.

"Is everything okay?" He asked out of genuine concern. Amy didn't do stuff spring of the moment, and she never just popped in on people. She always gave advanced notice on any and everything, and she never stopped by anyone's place for a visit just because she happened to be in the neighborhood. So he assumed it must be bad for her to forget to warn him until she was already in the hallway of his apartment building. He was actually afraid that someone might have died, but she didn't look sad so he hoped it wasn't a death related house call.

"Yeah, everything's fine. I just wanted to talk to you," she said with a half smile that made him doubt her reassurance. She took a deep breath before launching into what seemed to be a pre-planned opener into whatever she wanted to talk about.

"You know what, Jake? We're cops."

"Yeah, Ames. I know that."

"We could die tomorrow. We're always in mortal danger."

"I don't know where you're going with this..." he trailed off, half expecting her to go into an existential crisis of their chosen profession.

"I always think about what would happen if we go wrong and how that'll affect everyone we work with. But we could die literally any day. So screw everyone we work with, because if I die I want to have fucked you the night before. Or that morning. I put my life on the line and I've earned the right to be happy with you and not worry about everyone else being happy with us. But it's not like we know exactly when we're going to die, so we're just going to have to have sex on a regular basis. As in dating. You and me dating. Boyfriend girlfriend dating. This is me asking you out. If you want."

She realized that was pretty forward of her, but she decided that forward was what she needed to be. She needed to be forward and lay it all on the line exactly what she wanted from him. Because she wanted him. And from her speech it made it sound like she was sure he was going to say yes, but she wasn't sure. She decided to phrase it like she was sure so she wouldn't back down out of fear. But it was more than probable that he wouldn't want that anymore. Their timing with each other never matched up in a way that worked. But she decided that it was a good time for her and prayed that it was a good time for Jake too. A good time for both of them, at the same time. Instead of it being a good time for her and a bad time for Jake. But she went in with the hope that it was a good time for the both of them.

After she finished asking him out in a way that she thought might make him laugh (her rambling was unintentional and she didn't exactly think about phrasing the words that came out of her mouth, but afterwards it seemed like a style of confession that Jake would appreciate). But he didn't laugh, or even smile. Just silent with no response, and she realized that it probably was a bad time for Jake. Just another case of mismatched timing between the two of them.

"So let me get this straight, the most boring day since ever was the day you realize our job was so dangerous and basically yolo?" He asked, still trying to piece it all together.

"It was kind of like an epiphany," she explained. "Random perspective. You can say no. I totally get it if you've moved on from feeling all romantic-stylez about me" she informed him, dropping her confident act so he wouldn't feel bad about rejecting her when she seemed so expectant of him. Cause he was just standing there staring, and she figured that since he hadn't said yes yet he was just trying to find the best way to say no. She really did it overkill with that whole speech, didn't she? It definitely would've been a billion times less awkward if she just asked him out like a normal person instead of her almost dying speech. God, this was a huge mistake.

She wished she could just turn and walk straight out the door, but she knew she couldn't leave until he actually said a word. At least one word. She couldn't leave without him telling her yes or no. She needed an answer from him.

"God, please say something, Jake. If that sounds like something you want to do then okay, but if you don't just say no. Or something along those lines. If you don't want to do a whole romantic-stylez dating thing with me just say no and I can go," she pleaded for him to give her an answer so she wasn't just left wringing her hands in wait all night. Wringing her hands only a few feet away from him waiting for him to say a word.

"Nuh-uh. No way. Not at all," he said like she was crazy to even ask and her face fell flat. Of course she was hoping he would say yes, but he didn't need to be such a jerk about turning her down.

"Wait – I'm not saying no to you," he hastily tried to correct himself from her reaction. And he looked half frantic with flurried hands so she had no clue where he was going with it. "I'm saying no to what you're saying. I'm saying no to your no. You're wrong about how I feel. I mean, you're right, but your last few sentences were wrong. I mean... fuck," he swore before giving up and kissing her.

His hands tangled in her hair was so much better than seeing them fumble around in the air a moment before when he was talking. A moment before he shut up and gave her probably the best kiss of her life. Definitely the best kiss of her life.

She wasn't exactly expecting the kiss so when it happened all of the sudden her lips parted completely involuntarily and he took the opportunity to deepen the kiss and ran with it. When he was kissing her like that it wiped all trace of what he said from her mind. She couldn't remember what he said, couldn't even remember what she said. She couldn't even remember what she asked him or what she was doing there when Jake was kissing her like that. When Amy was nibbling on his bottom lip and scratching her nails down his scalp there wasn't anything else in existence. No words, no signals, no messages.

Just the kiss.

She sighed when their lips parted, but he leaned his forehead against hers so even without kissing she still had his breath mingling with hers and their hands still entangled in each other's hair, but he didn't make a move to separate any further than that.

"Yes," he breathed. "That's the word I was looking for. I'm saying yes. No to your no. Yes to your yes."

"You forgot the word yes? And you forgot any other word that could have sufficed?" She wanted to be mad cause he came that close to giving her a small heart attack because he forgot one of the most common words ever, but she couldn't stop smiling and actually chuckled because he was saying yes. He wanted that. Her. He meant yes.

"I kinda forgot most of the English language. And I forgot how to stop speaking too."

"You're such an idiot."

"Is that an epiph-y-thing-y you're just now having too?" And god, with that smile, there was definitely no way she could be mad at him now. And... she was pretty okay with that. She didn't mind.

"So, just to be clear, now that you remember the word yes, that is what you're saying?" Amy knew she probably didn't need to double check, but you couldn't blame her for wanting to hear it again. Truth be told, she wanted to kiss him again too. She wanted to hear him say yes one more time, and kiss him oh so many more times.

"Yup. Yes. We're dating now, no take backsies. You're stuck with me now that I remember word stuff."

"I think I can live with that," she told him, wrapping his arms around his neck and dragging his lips back to hers in a very, long awaited kiss. Now all they had to do was catch up on lost time.

Luckily, they had all the time in the world.