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4allthatmatters · 4 years ago

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ITS KINDA BAD

If I could give you anything in the world, I’d give you the ability to see yourself through my eyes. Only then you would see how perfect your imperfections are to me. You would see how amazing your smile is & how it lights up your face. You could see how special you are to me for the past 13 to 14 years. You would see the look in your eyes & watch your face change when you start talking about something that you’re passionate about & how much I love that. If you could see yourself through my eyes, you could see how much I like you. How much I care about you. You could see that you light up my life. You could see that you make me appreciate my life so much more & you could see that you make me extremely happy. You would see that you bring love into my life & you would see that I kinda don’t wanna lose that.

I think that the whole point of being with someone is so you can talk to them & let go of everything. Completely open up. Even when you’re at your worst, they’ll still like you, still want to talk to you, still care about you.

Look, I don’t know how it is that you’re so familiar to me…or why it feels less like I’m getting to know you & more as though I am remembering who you are again. How every smile, every spoken word brings me closer to the conclusion that I’ve known you before, I’ve cared for you before. Maybe in another time. A different place. Some other exsistence.

I HATE THIS

The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them — words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a random person to tell it to but for want of an understanding ear.

Most days I wish I never met you because then I could sleep at night and I wouldn’t have to walk around with the knowledge there was someone like you out there.

MISSED OPPORTUNITIES

Dear C,

These words are for you.

These words have been hiding away in the corner of my mind for as long as I can recall and I’m finally laying it out in the open, now. Because there’s no need for me to hold back anymore. There’s no need to pretend that I am capable of keeping everything to myself because I am so sick and tired of torturing myself for not being able to accept it. You were the person who made me realize that there is no point in keeping something that can’t be kept. So here’s to the feelings I’ve been trying to brush aside out of fear that it will ruin everything. Here’s to how I really feel for you.

I still remember that first time we met, and it’s funny because I can still picture how I loved your eyes, how it made me feel when you talked to me and how we had a few classes together and i loved it.

But then came graduation time. And I had to wake up and go back to reality. I had to go back to being a friend, but the thought itself wasn’t so bad at the time. It felt.. natural. Like that was exactly where I belonged in your life and I was perfectly fine with that. I was fine with being the person who you thought of least, but was always there if you needed company. I was fine with the fact that I always made time for you when you if me. Because I felt as if you were worth the effort, even though I was only a friend.

You were worth the effort.

Then, a whole 14 years later, it’s as if I’m reliving the memory from the high school years. We’re back in the same class, doing exactly what we did. And it made me want to cry, just a little bit on the inside without really letting the tears fall or for you to notice that all this time, I’ve given you my whole heart unconsciously. That I’ve opened up my heart to you while i’ve shut everybody else down. That I’ve been secretly feeling for you in my own way without even realizing it. I wanted you to finally see that I’ve been here after all this time without expecting or hoping for anything in return.

GONE

That tight feeling in the chest you get the moment when you’re going through photographs and thoughts from years ago and you come across one piece of memory you thought you long since erased only to remember that you never really had the courage to and that you were never really prepared to only to suddenly realize all this time you were never really over that person after all these years you just learned to live with the idea of her gone.

MY HAPPY VALENTINE

Ever since you have come back into my life, nothing has been the same. I see the world in a completely new way and everything that I see and do reminds me of you. You’ve helped me see the best in everything and I’ve gone from someone just existing to someone so happy all because of you. Because you give me a reason to be happy. Your radiant smile is enough to charm anyone. Your eyes, amazing with such beautiful depths. You have this way of existing which is just peaceful and loving and accepting. I don’t know how it is, I don’t understand how anyone can have such a fascinating presence but you do. Every little thing you do is special and hypnotic, you make me want to give you everything that I have and more. As soon as I reached out (finally) and let you in, you began to fix and love all the broken parts of me which I never thought anyone would know or care about. Nobody deserves someone as amazing as you. You deserve so much more than you have. It feels so good being able to be myself with you, I don’t have to impress or act because you like me for the person I am. I hope that you understand now how captivating you are to me. How full my heart is filled with love for you. Feelings like this, are too strong for even the most intelligent of humans to describe. I have tried my best here to say how I feel for you, but no words will ever be able to reflect the excitable drop in my stomach when I see a text from you, the flutter of my heart when I see your name on my phone, the twisting and turning of my stomach as I lay awake in the middle of the night thinking of you. You will never understand, and no words will ever come close. But I hope that my actions will.

YOU KNOW THAT FEELING?

When you haven’t talked to someone in so long? Then out of nowhere, someone decides to catch up on things and both of you start talking again. And it feels as thought you never stopped talking? The feelings remained as sweet since you last recalled and the best part is they still remember you and how you used to be that you forgot about yourself. It’s amazing. She’s amazing!

LDR

They are hard. You don’t see them everyday. Sometimes you can’t even talk to them. It feels like they’re there but they aren’t. It’s even harder when you know they were here and you missed your chance to do everything that you’ve ever wanted because you were too scared. Now that they’re gone, you’ve had to get comfortable with them over some type of electronic device. You can almost remember everything but every time you try- it’s like something’s missing. It’s them. They’re the thing that’s missing. You have to kiss the device, just to kiss them. You have to send texts and imagine their reaction, instead of seeing they’re face light up in person. You have to calm yourself to sleep and hold yourself as if they could because they can’t be there physically but you can call and hear their soothing voice to calm you down sometimes but it makes you sad even more because you remember what’s all happened and how far apart you really are. Long distance relationships break a person but make them realize how precious people are. You appreciate things a little more. It’s like they’re there but they aren’t. When you see them in person again, don’t hold back. Take everything in and pray that God slows time down just enough for you to get all their love before you part for weeks, months, or years at a time. Long distances suck…But if you really care for them- you’ll take the breakings, the heartaches, and the loneliness for just a little while…just for them.

SO MANY THOUGHTS

after a while, you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand & changing a soul. & you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning & company doesn’t always mean security & you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts & presents aren’t promises & you begin to accept your defeats with your head up & your eyes ahead with the grace of a human, not the grief of a child. & you learn to build your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is…well, too uncertain for plans & futures have a way of falling down in mid flight. & after a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. so you plant your own garden & decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. & you learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong & you really do have worth, maybe not to you but to myself, i do have worth. & you learn & you learn & with every hello & goodbye, you learn…

i believe soulmates come in different forms to make us realize, love, understand or think deeper. it could be a tree, a notebook, a friend, a lover, perhaps a memory. we all fall for different reasons but don’t limit a soulmate to just one thing— it’s beyond romantic. it’s ethereal, the unreal. you ever met someone who made the ground kiss you harder underneath your feet? this time you just knew the earth was hugging you a little different. that’s a soul crush. we all have something, someone, perhaps a camera, a notebook, a stranger, a lover. a friend. or even a memory.

ONE DAY

I will love tracing your skin. Memorizing every freckle and every scar. I will enjoy kissing your collar bones and your neck and you always taste so good. I will love running my fingers through your hair and gliding them down your back. I look forward to opening my eyes and seeing you still asleep next to me. You will always look so at peace and content, it will be adorable. I will love kissing you before you leave me, even if you’re just running to the gas station or something. I will like hearing you say ‘babe’. You can’t say it enough. Your voice is my favorite thing, your heart beat is going to be the second. I just love all the little things. You give me that sweaty palms-butterflies in my stomach kind of feeling. Even nervous sometimes.

HE WILL KNOW

One day, he’s going to know. He’ll know your birthday, your middle name, where you were born, your star sign. He’ll know how old you were when you learned to ride a bike, how many pets you had and how much you hated going to school. He’ll know your eye color, your scars, your freckles, your laugh lines and your birthmarks. He’ll know your favorite book, movie, candy, food, pair of shoes, color, and song. He’s going to know why you’re awake at 2am most nights. He’s going to know your phobias, your dreams, your fears, your wishes, and your worries. He’s going to know about your first heartbreak, your dream wedding. He’ll know your strengths, weaknesses, laziness, energy, and your mixed emotions. He’ll know your bad habits, your mannerisms, your pout, your facial expressions, and your laugh like it’s his favorite song. The way you chew, drink, walk, sleep, fidget and kiss. He’ll know your McDonald’s order, how many sugars to put in your drinks, how many scoops of ice cream you want, and that you need your sandwiches cut into triangles. He’s going to know how you feel without you telling him. He’s going to know all of it. Everything. You, from top to bottom and inside out. From learning, from sharing, from listening, from watching. He’s going to know every single thing there is to know, and you know what else? He is still going to want to know more.

A LONG TIME COMING

Every moment I talk to you, it gives me butterflies. When I’m there, I can spend days on end cuddling with you & as soon as I leave, wish I back in your arms again. You don’t have to tell me you love me because your actions show it. You don’t have to say you’re in love with me because I can see you slowly falling. We balance each other. Complementing one another on so many different levels. I’m still finding myself, as are you. So we live in the moment…Day by day. Making each other laugh, smile, and happy again. I keep thinking about the way you will pull me close when you get in the bed & lay on my chest. I think about how we will sleep peacefully. In the morning that I wake up next to you, I can’t wait. I love you! You’ll see.

COLOR IN THE VOID

Do you ever get that feeling when you’re sitting in your room alone, your thoughts wander, you’re not crying but you just feel sad and empty, replaying moments and wondering. Where did it all go wrong? Was it me? Do I not deserve you?

And tonight you’ll probably fall asleep without thinking of me. Not knowing my whole day was filled with you again. My thoughts are about you, the rest is all fading away.

For me, it’s hard to sleep when your heart is at war with your mind.

There is no single day, no single second, that I don’t think of you. There is not one moment the sadness doesn’t crash over me like the waves crash against rocks. But still… This is just a storm and it’ll pass. Tomorrow I will still love you and maybe there is going to be sun again.

ALL MY THOUGHTS

Every time I say I love you, even after years, you have a chance to kill me. My skin is made of diamonds and my insides are stone, but those three words, only when spoken to you, flay me open and bleed me dry in the most exhilarating way.

I know the world can be too much sometimes. When people become too loud and life too fast, shut the door, dim the light, crawl under the blanket and rest in my arms. Let me be your safe place. Your lighthouse in the storm.

You can’t make me stop loving you: I will forever be emotionally attached so please stop trying. I don’t wanna let go.

I want all of you. And I don’t mean just the pretty and neat parts. I want the parts that get your hands a little dirty. The ones that make you question your sanity at three in the morning. I want you to show me your insides. I want to intertwine myself with your veins and run through your bloodstream straight into your heart. I want to know what your soul feels like butt naked. I want to see what you look like without a wall built up around you. I know you are plagued by fear and pain. But even your scariest demons could not make me flinch. I want to take you as you are. I want to kiss all of your broken pieces and love them even if they never get better. I want to shine light on the darkest parts of your mind and help you see clearly. I will not be anything that pricks your finger or burns your throat. I will only be something that is good for you. Something that soothes your mind and calms your stormy soul. So please believe me when I say. I want all of you. Even if you’re not ready for all of me too

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An open invitation into my arms

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