#i am scared allowing someone to honestly care for me to truely rely on them will bring out some horrible monster

[witherbythesword]

And life will go this way.

You mother will die long before you during some december.

and it will suprise you. eventhough you have quit wanting to kill yourself you honest from the heart have not thought one day it would be that way that she dies before you. that you can hold out longer than her. and all you'll feel is a sense of relieve.

And it will also go that way that a month later someone recommends a book to you. it's called evil. Horror. Thriller. Based on a true story. This woman went to prison for the things she did. It's you being 7 years old and waking up to a tuesday. And It's you 29 years old in your bed at night feeling like something is ripping you apart from the inside.

there's something unholy inside of you and it wants to get out.

And it will be this way that all you want is someone strong enough to care for you. But you don't even know how that would work. Being cared for. it needs a special inner pose. It's something you learn. How to hold yourself so you can be cared for. Something your learn so young it feels natural. but you know it can't be because you don't know how to do it.

It's the black hole inside of you that you can never fill and you hide it away in shame and in never wanting anything much from anyone.

And then you'll read another book and a son will ask his mother what did you do to me and she will say i birthed you.

and thats how it will go.