#i am posting this before i chicken out and without a final readthrough

[frankchurchillsaysrelax]

would you give me your self or turn and run

part three of three.

A month after he returns home, Penelope reaches out. She doesn’t call but she does reply to his last email, and while it means he can’t hear her voice and the contents are quite terse, it feels so familiar that Colin nearly cries.

I will hear you out. Where would you like to meet? -Pen

Colin’s father was a hopeless romantic, his mother always said so. He remembers when he was younger and fresh flowers filled every vase in their home rather than lying at the base of a grave. He doubts his father ever screwed up quite so well but he thinks it’s a good first step. So with a bright bouquet of daisies in hand, Colin enters the cafe near Pen and Eloise’s flat on a bright Saturday afternoon with hope flowing through his veins and keeping his heart pumping.

She’s there already, sat at a small table against a brick wall reading a book. She glances up as the bell above the door announces his entrance and their eyes lock across the space, erasing the other people and objects separating them. At least on his part. Penelope breaks the connection after a few seconds, looking down to slip her book into her bag. Not once does the smile he’d so often taken for granted grace her features.

Colin approaches, the hope taking a chill and slowing his heart with each step. 

“Hi Pen,” he whispers at the edge of her table. He’d imagined this moment all week. How she would stand and give him a tentative hug, maybe allow him to boldly kiss her cheek. Instead, she stays seated, staring up at him with a mask of indifference dulling her features. Ice fills his veins. “These are for you,” he says, awkwardly handing her the daisies and still standing like a fool.

One eyebrow twitches upwards, a crack in the mask, as she reaches out to tentatively take them. “Thanks,” she says, a hint of confusion drawing the word out. “Sit,” she adds as she sets the bouquet on the table. 

An uncomfortable silence settles between them as Colin sits and continues to stare at her, taking in the sight of her after so long, wondering again how it is he went so long without her. Her hair is down and long again, brushing the middle of her back in soft waves. She’s dressed down but carefully so as if she’d chosen her outfit carefully to appear careless. She’s effortlessly beautiful. Poets would weep to witness her.

“Do you want to order something?” She nods toward the counter. He breaks his stare long to enough to glance down at the sandwich and cup in front of her before taking in the long line forming and shaking his head.

“Maybe later,” he says dismissively, not wanting to leave her side now that he’s here. “I missed you,” he adds before he can question whether it’s something she’d want to hear.

She frowns. “What is this, Colin?” she asks. Keeping her voice level she tilts her head and licks her lips, her frown growing. “You bring me flowers? You say you missed me? You ignored me for months, do you know how stupid I felt continuing to send those emails?” The whole time she doesn’t let her gaze go higher than his shoulder but now she meets his eyes and he can see the depths of pain there. “You hurt me. It might not have meant anything to you but it meant something to me.”

“Of course, it meant something to me.” He fists his hands in the pockets of his jacket to keep himself from reaching out to her, sensing that it would be unwelcome. “Pen, I am so sorry, you have no idea how sorry I am.”

“Then why, Colin?” she nearly shouts. The rest of the cafe doesn’t pay any mind to them but still, she blushes and looks around nervously. “You said you’d explain yourself, so explain.”

He tells her about the napkin. He has to. He’s known since the moment he decided to move back to London that he would have to. The look of horror that crosses her face as he recites her words is enough to break his heart and his resolve. He reaches across the table and places a hand over one of hers. She flinches but doesn’t retreat. 

“Oh God,” she nearly chokes on the words. “Oh my God.” 

“Pen, I-”

“All of this time,” she interrupts, “I’ve thought that it wasn’t anything I’d done. Eloise assured me it wasn’t my fault. Wait,” she pauses, stealing her hand from beneath his, “does she know about the note? Do your brothers? Oh, God.”

“Of course not,” he swears, hurt she would ever assume he would do that to her. “I’d never break your trust like that.” He runs his hand through his hair and sighs. “And you didn’t do anything wrong. I’m glad I know, I just didn’t handle it well.” An understatement to end all others.

“You didn’t,” she agrees. She takes a deep breath and passes her fingers beneath her eyes though there are no tears he can see. “Why didn’t you talk to me about it?”

He suddenly wishes he had taken the chance to order something just so he’d have something to do with his hands. Instead, they shake in his lap as he begins his confession. “Because I didn’t think I could return your feelings, and that killed me. That I had the power to hurt you like that.”

She opens her mouth to say something, probably something of comfort knowing her and it’s the last thing he deserves. He continues, “I spent those six months trying to forget and just let things go back to before I knew. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I wrote you so many times but never had the guts to send them. I came to realize something though, the more time went by.”

Penelope stares at him from only a foot or two away, with big blue eyes shining with kindness and still a twinge of pain. He isn’t sure if what he has to say will make it better or worse.

“My feelings for you were never going to change, just as I’d expected, but the feelings I have for you, that I’ve had for so long now it’s like a comfortable friend I carry in my heart.”

“What are you saying?” she asks, confused more than hopeful, concerned more than angry. 

“I love you, Pen,” he says loud and clear, not caring if anyone around them hears, happy for them to in fact. He yearns to reach for her hands again, to touch the skin he’s spent half the year dreaming of, but unsure if he has any right to do so.

Penelope looks as if the world has turned on its axis and she’s trying to get her footing. She opens and closes her mouth several times, a world of thoughts swirling in her eyes that Colin wishes he could read but finds the handwriting illegible. 

“You’re serious,” she settles on. She knows him, knows he wouldn’t lie about something so serious, knows he wouldn’t say the words if he didn’t mean them. Still, he can tell she doesn’t believe him.

“I am.” He tries to fill his eyes with all of the love he feels, fill the depths of his soul with equal parts lifelong friendship and newly bloomed passion, and drop all of the walls he’s ever crafted around his heart. It must work because Penelope looks away, a sweet blush rising on her cheeks.

“This isn’t what I expected from today, Col.” Her expression is still unreadable. 

He’s suddenly struck by the thought that she might not feel the same way she once did. Was six months of silence enough to erase him from her heart? Had he lost that which he only recently discovered he can’t live without? His brain tells him he’s being melodramatic but his heart doesn’t listen and begins to bleed his feelings all over the cafe. 

“I know it’s a lot. I’ve had time,” he winces, “to come to understand my feelings but you haven’t. And you said you wanted to let the dream go, to stop loving me. Have you? Please, tell me if you have and I’ll-” He stops himself not knowing what it is he would do. 

“God knows I’ve tried, Colin.” She shakes her head. “But it seems that a lifetime worth of feelings, especially ones felt as deeply as mine, aren’t that easily thrown away.” 

The hope he’d lost since sitting down begins to thaw. His heart turns over in his chest. 

“I believe you, but,” she pauses, takes a sip of her long cold cuppa, gathering strength, “I don’t know if I can trust you not to run again.”

“I’m not going anywhere. I don’t want to be anywhere else,” he promises, knowing it's the truth.

“I don’t mean physically, Col. Although, honestly we all have wondered how long this decision to come home will last. But I mean emotionally. How do I know you won’t shut me out again? I don’t think I could handle that.”

He wouldn’t do that, would he? He’s never been in a relationship, he isn’t sure how he’ll react to things. He wants to think he wouldn’t do anything to hurt her again but what if he does? Does he even deserve a chance with her?

“So where does that leave us?” he asks somewhat pathetically. 

“I don’t know. But I’ve missed you too. So maybe we start with getting our friendship back and then,” she pauses, not wanting to promise anything, “and then I guess we’ll see.”

Pen, I know we’ll see each other again in a few days. I know it’s only been a few hours since I saw you last. But you said we should rebuild our friendship, and this is the best way I know how to do that. We’ve been friends for a long time, but it all really started with these letters didn’t it? So I hope you’ll indulge me. You also said you wondered how long I’d stay in London. Well, I truly mean it when I say I’m done traveling. Maybe not forever but never for so long. I’ve missed far too much of all of your lives. I intend to be a more permanent part of them from here on out. xx Colin

The flat is too big for just him and his one bag of belongings. Kate and Sophie, who had helped him by recommending their shared realtor, assure him that once he furnishes the place and buys the essentials it will feel much more homely. For now, it takes him a little over half an hour to move in his duffle and the few boxes full of things he’s chosen to bring over from his childhood bedroom. The whole thing is sort of depressing, sat at his feet in the wide open space.

Penelope, having offered to help him shop, wanders between the rooms and Colin finds himself hoping she likes it even if he isn’t sure how he feels. 

“This view is amazing!” she calls from the bedroom. The knot in his chest loosens but stays entangled around his heart like a noose ready to tighten again at any given moment. Today is going to be exhausting. 

Her face, sporting a large grin, appears around the doorframe before the rest of her body follows. “It’s great, Colin. I can really imagine you here.”

“I’m glad you like it,” he says, honestly. Her smile turns shyer, more private, and he really wants to kiss her. Before he can say anything to distract from that urge, his phone starts ringing. A quick glance shows him Anthony’s name and so he excuses himself to the relative privacy of the hallway outside the front door. “Hey, Ant.”

“Do you know how many features prams have these days?” Anthony begins without preamble. 

“Can’t say that’s something I’m aware of, no,” Colin responds, amused. “I would think Kate would be on top of the research for that though.” Kate is the most organized person he knows, even more type A than Anthony. Truly a perfect match.

“She is,” Anthony grunts, “but she asked for my opinion and I can’t just wing it.” 

“No, of course not,” he says thoroughly amused at his eldest brother’s distress. He tries to conceal it from his voice. “Why don’t you start with the safety ratings and go from there?”

“Safety ratings.” Anthony sighs deeply. “Right, yes, I’ll do that.”

“When are you going to tell everyone else? Not that I mind these panicked new father phone calls,” he adds. Anthony had confided his and Kate’s happy news on a whim while trying to cheer Colin up before his reconciliation with Penelope. He’d been honored to keep their secret but it has been weeks now. 

“Soon, soon,” Anthony says, distracted, probably already reading up on prams again and forgetting he’s on the phone. “Thank you, Colin. And congratulations again on the new place,” he focuses back on the call, his words heartfelt. “Today’s the big day, eh?”

“Not that big.” Colin basks in the glowing feeling he is newly bathed in at his brother’s pride. The knot in his chest unravels further. “More anti-climactic than anything. Pen’s here though, we’re just about to head out and buy some things to fill the place up.”

“Ah, of course.” There is a teasing lilt to his words that Colin chooses to ignore. “Well, I’ll let you get back to Pen. Make sure she tests out the mattress too before you buy it.”

“Goodbye, Asshole.” Colin is blushing as he slips the phone back into his pocket. He brings his cold hands up to the burning skin before going back inside his new home. 

“What the fuck are you doing?” It takes a moment to take in what he’s seeing but when he does, his face burns for a whole new reason. His words echo through the cavernous apartment and startle Penelope into almost dropping the journal she is reading pressed against a window. 

Instead, Colin marches toward her and rips the notebook out of her hands. He closes it before he can see which volume she’s had her eyes all over. His voice gets louder as he continues, “you have no right to look through this! Did you go through my bag? Find anything else to your interest?”

Penelope pushes off the wall and steps up to him, seemingly even shorter than usual as she pokes her finger into his chest, trying to appear intimidating while her voice drips with guilt. “I’m sorry, but do not yell at me.” Her big blue eyes flash with warning. Colin swallows the words he wants to scream. 

“Your bag fell over and it fell out. I was just picking it up and then, yes, I read it. I’m sorry,” she repeats, crossing her arms across her chest. “I thought it was a journal at first, which of course I shouldn’t have been reading, but I had no idea you were a writer.”

“What are you talking about?” he asks, confused yet still vexed. His whole body is tensed, pressure building as if he were a rocket about to launch.

“It’s a book, isn’t it?” Her confidence wanes and she deflates. “The prose is beautiful even if there are no real transitions, and some sections would need editing of course, but,” she pauses, biting her lip and staring up at his face. “It’s not a book?”

“It’s just a journal,” he says, sounding more like a question than a statement. The warm rush of anger is slowly draining out of him though it lurks nearby ready to strike again. “You thought it was a book?”

“I think it could be,” she confirms. “I’d bet that bag is full of these isn’t it?” He nods and she smiles, reaching out for him tentatively. Reluctantly, he takes her hand in his, the one not gripping his journal in a protective death grip. “I’ve always thought your writing was beautiful, your emails I mean. It was like I was there with you every time. I thought about suggesting you write a travel blog but this, this could be something so much more, Colin.”

He closes his eyes, trying to get a handle on the emotions at odds with each other in his mind. Residual irritation and confusion make way for pride and hope. This could be something. This could be his. If Penelope believes in him then, maybe, he can start to believe too.

…I reread that first email all of the time. Have I ever told you that? It meant so much to me that you would think of me let alone take time to write. But you have always been thoughtful and kind in that way. I miss my father sometimes. It’s odd how some memories don’t surface until after the person in them is gone. He used to buy me chocolates every time he traveled for work when I was younger. Switzerland, France, America, no matter where he went he always found the best chocolates and would slip them to me when my mother and sisters weren’t looking. Always with a cheeky wink. We never spoke about it but it was our little secret. Then he stopped. I don’t know whether he forgot or if my mother’s worries about my weight got to him but one day he came home empty-handed and didn’t even look my way. A good piece of chocolate makes me cry these days….

Colin falls into a routine: wake up, type up his old journals and edit along the way, have lunch with one of his siblings, more editing, and then, the best part, share that day’s progress with Pen when she comes over after work. She’s taken to bringing a bright red pen that she uses to make copious amounts of notes even as she speaks them all aloud, her critique at times harsh and others glowing. She’ll make a great editor one day. He tells her so.

He tells no one else about the memoir. He still can’t believe he’s done something worth writing a memoir about, never thought of his aimless wandering as a story someone might want to read, never thought of his mindless scribblings as real writing. He doesn’t think of himself as a writer, an author, most days. An imposter behind a computer screen seems a skin he fits better. 

It’s his father’s birthday and the first time in two years that he’s been present for the luncheon his mother puts on in his honor each year. It’s the event he’s felt the guiltiest about missing during his time away from home and this year it feels like mum has pulled out all the stops. 

All the usual suspects are present, but no one else seems to question Kate’s sister, Edwina’s, presence, except Pen who leans into his side on the couch and whispers her surprise in his ear. Colin doesn’t respond, simply wraps an arm around her shoulders and searches out a nervous Anthony to confirm his suspicions. Pen leans closer and lets it go, warm and happy at his side. He feels more than one pair of eyes on them but ignores his family’s nosiness this once and listens in on Pen and Pippa’s quiet conversation. 

A few minutes before lunch is set to be called, Anthony and Kate walk to the center of the room and call for the room’s attention. Colin faces his brother and sister-in-law but his eyes glance toward Edwina only to find her already looking at him, a mischievous grin on her face that he instantly mirrors. He should have known. A moment later everyone is on their feet, cheers ringing out across the room and the competition for who can reach the happy couple first begins. 

It strikes Colin that this is one of those moments he might have missed, a moment that would have been relayed to him over the phone later while he sat an ocean away, a well of longing in his gut. Being home is so much better.

…The first girl I ever kissed was Emma Baxter. It was terrible. Most likely my fault but I like to think she was just as nervous. Our lips were dry and our teeth were sharp where there shouldn’t have been any. Our noses didn’t brush tenderly so much as smash up against each other. It lasted maybe twenty seconds before she ran off and I don’t think we ever spoke again. You may wonder why I’m telling you this. I was just thinking that I could be called a scholar in Penelope Featherington. I like to think I know pretty much everything about you at this point, but what I love is that there are always more things to learn. One thing I don’t know is who was your first kiss. All I know is I hope that I’m your next….

Lady Danbury Publishing House, where Pen works, passes on his book. He’s not all that surprised but it still puts a pit of dread in his stomach that he falls into over and over again like a cartoon character as he wades through the rejections and waits to hear if anyone wants to publish his book or if he really is a charlatan.

Finally, nearly a year after he came home, nine months after he began this crazy journey, both a lifetime and no time at all, his agent calls with the news. A small up-and-coming indie house he’s never heard of has jumped on his manuscript. They say words like sensational and instant hit but all that Colin remembers is Penelope’s radiant and knowing smile across the booth in the dimly lit restaurant where he’d taken the call. He kisses her that night. 

“To the new darling of the publishing world,” Penelope says, lifting her champagne flute high in the air, already a little tipsy. They’re back at his flat, sitting on the couch she’d helped him select. 

Colin smiles, shaking his head. He clinks glasses with her even as he calls her ridiculous. His own buzz vibrates beneath his skin, gooseflesh rising on top as he watches her happily sip her drink. A loose curl has broken free from where her hair is pulled back and he’s reaching out to tuck it behind her ear not even wanting to stop himself. Pen’s smile softens and she sets her glass on the coffee table before curling up against his chest. 

He holds his breath, letting her listen to his heart as it plays a symphony just for her, cracking his ribs open to find its path to hers. Slowly, silently, he uses a finger under her chin to coax her until their faces are only inches apart. 

“Pen.” Forcing air back into his lungs, he releases her name on a sigh. He watches as realization blooms across her face, breathing color into her cheeks and a fire in her eyes. “Can I kiss you?”

“Yes,” she whispers, a longing that reflects his own in her voice. 

For all their waiting, neither rushes the moment. Penelope presses her lips together to wet them and Colin uses his thumb to tug her plump bottom lip back out, running the pad back and forth across it, feeling her breath hot against his skin. All of his senses are on high alert, catalouging every detail, committing every second to memory. Perhaps he’ll write about it later. 

Infintesimly slow, he leans down until their lips are touching but once he’s gotten a taste, desperation prevails. Like a fog dissipating in a fresh rain, everything inside of him becomes clear. He’s known he loves her. He believed that fact. But facts are nothing when faced with feeling and now he knows that he was meant for Penelope Featherington. He was put on this earth to love this woman and he would do so for as long as she will have him.

…When one dream comes true the human mind has the ability to dream another. I think that’s one of the most remarkable things about us. You were my dream for so long Col and I can’t wait to see what is next for us….

One Year Later

One thing about having a large family, you get used to being in a crowd. 

The bookstore is full to capacity, a large portion of that being his highly supportive family. Even Greg and Hyacinth are here, someone else is Facetiming Frannie, and Augie and Edmund are running amok much to their parents’ frustrations.  

After his reading, he is escorted to the signing table. The line, winding around the shelves, is intimidating and exhilarating in equal measure. He listens to his publicist as she reminds him for the millionth time on how to keep the line moving. 

“Colin,” his mum says, her hand placed on his shoulder. He turns to face her. “Gregory, Hyacinth, and I are going to leave. I just wanted to tell you again how proud I am of you.” Her eyes are watering now. “You’ve finally found your place.”

He leans down to kiss her on the cheek, blinking back his own emotions.“Thanks, Mum,” 

He speaks a little to everyone in line. It’s weird calling them fans, he prefers admirers or better yet, fellow wanderers. Yes, he’s missed meeting so many new people, each with their own story or questions. He’s doing a poor job at being efficient but he’s having too much fun to care.

As the signing progresses and the crowd dwindles, the rest of his family make their leave as well, always stopping by for a quick hug and another hurried ‘congratulations’ until only Pen remains. 

He finds her tucked away in the romance section buried in a new book, her feet pulled up on the chair beneath her. The harsh lighting of the bookstore bounces off of the ring on her finger and he stands there watching her for far longer than he probably ought to with a silly grin on his face. He’s the luckiest man in the world. It’s never lost on him that there would be no book without her. There would be no stories without her. He would have probably remained a lost eighteen year old boy without her. 

“Ready to go?” he asks, softly. She holds up a finger for him to wait as she finishes her page and he rolls his eyes fondly at the familiar gesture. Once she’s done, she looks at him with a tired smile and stands. He follows her to the checkout counter so she can buy her book and they exit the store arm in arm into the cold London night air.

[scarlettlawyer]

Part 11 of my reaction/commentary to the Phantoms & Mirages Saga, the fanfic series by @renegadewangs

(Chasing Phantoms): Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

(Haunted Specters): Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6

(Vanquishing Mirages): Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9

Vanquishing Mirages / Lifting Spirits: Part 10

Lifting Spirits, Chapter 1

At the very least, he could rest easy knowing that his first motorcycle lesson hadn’t been a complete disaster. The future looked promising.

ANY future looks promising when it has Motorcycle Simon in it

“Here, I brought you a sandwich.” “Is it chicken?”

Blackquill: [known bird lover, intense lover of birds pouring over bird documentaries in his spare time and cherishing Taka with all his heart]

The boy who would become the phantom, the moment he is presented with a sandwich: iS IT CHICKEN?

“But… People die when they are killed.”

ASDJHSDBKJS

A+ DIALOGUE THANK YOU I LOVE IT. GOOOSH I’M. SOMEBODY needs to compile a list of things this same person has said in this series. The above line. The courtroom jokes, the irony line… the “I’m aroace” line… The other things he said to intentionally turn Bobby against him post-phantomquill kissbait, throw in a bunch of other Lex lines too. The RANGE. THE SHEER RANGE. You could just do a list like that, show it to someone and be like “Yeeeaahh so ALL of these are essentially said by the same character in different stages of his life.”

Lifting Spirits, Chapter 2

Finally, there was a knock on the door and Lang led the way into the room. He looked irritable. He’d been giving off that air since before the surgery. Lex had a suspicion on what might be causing such irritation, but kept it to himself. Lang wouldn’t take his advice on matters like that anyway.

“Matters like that” I’M FGLKFGLKNGF

OKAY ALSO

I SOMEHOW MISREMEMBERED THIS AS BEING SOMETHING HE THINKS BACK BEFORE THE SURGERY BUT EITHER WAY IT’S JUST. GOLD.

The phantom – or the former phantom – Lex just sitting there doing his best to refrain from giving out romantic advice.

Someone younger than he’d expected. This man couldn’t be older than thirty- probably hadn’t even reached that age yet. […] this guy looked rather meek. He was lean; the sort of physique that made it seem like a strong gust of wind could blow him off his feet. His black hair was smoothed back with copious amounts of gel and his face bore overly kind features. A few sheets of paper and a notebook were clutched firmly under his right arm. Coupled with his neat black suit, dark blue tie and thick-rimmed glasses, he looked more like a door-to-door salesman than a therapist.

GEEEEE MEOWZY, GEEEE, SUCH DESCRIPTION, I WONDER IF HE’S AN IMPORTANT CHARACTER OR ANYTHING sdjnksdfknl.

Okay but back when I read this 1st time I was like. Well I seriously didn’t know WHY the hell this guy needed such a strong narrative focus on what he looked like. Like. “He’s the therapist. That’s all we need to know. He’s not important! Why do we care what he looks like! Why does it matter!” askjbsdkjnedskj just felt SO excessive just annoying that the narrative felt like it Cared so much about a random therapist character DFKDFKJ GOD I WAS A FOOL

AND ALSO UHHH

Like yes this fic post-bait was still promising and as superb as ever and had thrilled me with things like the music-listening thing BUT. I need you to understand that I was still very hurt over Fake Phantomquill and therefore, REALLY not in the mood for getting to know Sudden New Characters. The intense goodwill I’d built up for this series over three fics had been largely derailed at this point. I just… didn’t really care all that much about giving new characters a chance thanks to that new apathy. That, and the fact that this series genuinely felt like it was reaching the end at this point, with all of the Major Players already introduced. So how could any important character POSSIBLY show up now? Coupled with how Done I was after the phantomquill bait. SO YKNOW. Idiot that I am, I kind of breezed over the above paragraph a little impatiently without really taking anything in, like I read it but didn’t really ABSORB it or incorporate the physical description into how I pictured the character. I was just like “yeah ok he’s the therapist moving on? What’s next?” (BENNY I’M SO SORRY I WAS VERY MEAN). So yeah, my foolish logic: “series is almost over, all the important characters are introduced, therefore no character introduced at this point could possibly be important, therefore I don’t need to care about or pay attention to anyone new.”

…Like okay, I knew the story wanted me to see this new character as someone important and therefore pay attention to them, but I couldn’t understand why and therefore intentionally failed to pay much close attention almost out of spite.

But like. God. If I had actually bothered to take in anything about that physical description I would have actually NOTICED how handsome he is right from the start. Joke’s on me!

“[…] a person who’s supposed to have no emotions is incredibly interesting.”

[…]

Such an odd point of view was another thing that took Lex by surprise. All his life, people had called him a monster. A freak. A heartless robot or a demon. A Phantom. No one had ever considered his emotional state to be interesting. No one had ever considered it an honor to be sitting across from him. Who in their right mind would?

WHY WOULD YOU CALL ME OUT LIKE THIS

HELLO. SDKJNSFKJNSDKJ. ALSO THANK YOU SOMEONE ACTUALLY AGREES HOW INTERESTING THE LACK OF EMOTIONS THING IS.

But this is so funny it’s like the fic is takign aim at the fangirls. Me, a phantom fan: Hah… Yes… Who in their right mind would consider it an honour to be sitting across from him.. sdkjsdkjdsf

(Okay, that angle didn’t occur to me on 1st readthrough but now I’m just jokingly like “I feel so attacked” HAHAAH)

Most of the focus had been on Lex’s physical health and the way he was being treated, both on a medical level and on a personal level. Emotions could affect the body and Lex had to admit that recovery from his surgery was still going at a slow pace. 

OH MY GOOOOOD FUUUUUDGE TH. BENNY IS SIZING HIM UP HE’S ASKING THOSE KINDS OF QUESTIONS FOR A REASON. GOD DAAAMN IT BENNY… Knowing the way he is being treated medically, things like that, can make it just that little bit easier! To! Make an attempt on his life! I’M

TFW u do ur job as a therapist but also as an assassin simultaneously.

No one else stopped by his room for hours on end. Not until it was time for the guard shift to rotate and Bobby Fulbright came strolling inside. Over the past week, it’d become painfully obvious that the Phantom’s attempt to crush the man’s cheerful attitude towards him had failed. That Bobby was still as overbearing as ever, acting as if that little incident involving Simon Blackquill hadn’t happened.

Idiot spy underestimated the power and strength of just HOW MUCH Bobby cares about him.

“Hahaha, that’s just like him.” Bobby nudged the wrapper towards the bin with his foot. “And just so you know, he’s single.”

BOBBY NO. THAT IS HIS THERAPIST. THAT IS YOUR THERAPIST,

Lex made sure to shoot Bobby the most emotionless expression he could still bring his face to ease into. It was funny how the surgery had messed with even that much. “It isn’t too late for me to end your life, you know.”

SDJKSDFNKJSDFKLNSDLNKSDLKN this & him saying this is so funny SEND HELP

The mark of Shelly de Killer.

OH. OKAAAY. I’D FORGOTTEN THAT THE FIRST ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT TAKES PLACE ON THE SAME DAY. BENNY WASTES NO TIME AT ALL… And it makes sense I mean. He got the info he needed to go ahead, so why wait? Oh my god..

Lifting Spirits, Chapter 3

…It’s terrible how much I kind of enjoyed Lex’s sudden downturn; what essentially was the prelude to and then became a vomit scene just because This man used to be the Unshakeable Phantom! LOOK AT HIM NOW. >:D

Plus he starts off soooo arrogant and overconfident at the beginning of the chapter as well before Lang is just like. “Lol. Looks like you didn’t actually kill Shelly and he’s after you.” Making the rapid nosedive that follows even more… It feels kinda weird to say “amusing”, but… IDK MAN THERE’S JUST INHERENT NARRATIVE APPEAL IN THIS LEVEL OF WEAKNESS AND VULNERABILITY AND WHAT HAVE YOU ON DISPLAY after a bout of confidence no less, from this character with this history specifically. Any other character and I’d be appropriately squicked out/feeling bad. I CAN BE VERY MEAN TO MY FAVE.

Also, “prayers to the porcelain god” is actually SUCH a good euphemism. Somehow… If I ever get the chance… I want to see if I can work it into saying it in real-life at least once. I don’t see any such opportunity arising anytime soon, however. :P

“Just send him in, it’s not like the day can get any worse,” Lex grumbled, clambering back onto his bed.

>:D

Benny shows up and it’s just pure dramatic irony. Re-reading is suuuuch a bonus.

What if they were endangering Benny by having him here?

OH MY G

“You’re a Snapple guy?”

I’M, I LOST IT AT THIS

Maybe he just wanted to be the one raising the questions- to be in control of the conversation. …Yeah, that was probably it. That was how the human psyche worked.

I’M?

“Of course. I don’t know how other people manage with their android phones. Snapple’s always got the upper hand,” Benny remarked, not even bothering to take his eyes off the screen.

Lex: Right. Have fun with your planned obsolescence, sucker.

IF A REAL LIFE MAN ACTUALLY SAID THIS TO MY FACE.. I GOTTA TELL YA… The sheer level of aggravating this is. XD. I DON’T KNOW IF I’D BE ABLE TO HOLD MYSELF BACK FROM SAYING SOMETHING.

Me internally if an IRL man said this to me: Oh so you’re insufferable and I probably won’t like you very much at all.

SDKJSDNKJSDNKJ

Lifting Spirits, Chapter 4

Bro. Bro I was suspicious of that coffee, man. And then when Lex drains it all, I was like “MMMM somehow… that feels like a mistake he’s going to regret.”

“Could there be any kind of poison in it that interpol could fail to detect?”

But, I didn’t suspect Benny of wrongdoing. I was suspicious of the coffee, but not Benny. I figured that if the coffee had been tampered with, Benny was completely unaware of it. But then, I forgot about it and put it out of mind after that when nothing too dramatic happened immediately after he takes the coffee.

Lifting Spirits, Chapter 5

“It’s fine.” Lex was embarrassed to hear that he’d taken on a rather squeaky tone.

Embarrassed… Embarrassed… Embarrassed…!

Yeeeees. It’s like I’ve waited 3 full fics and then some to see this man FINALLY be embarrassed. Feels good.

…Well this chapter certainly gets intense after that. :[

Now this second vomit scene is actually quite appropriately upsetting to read. OOF.

Lifting Spirits, Chapter 6

Bro just imagining that slowed-down music really IS super eerie, damn.

Lifting Spirits, Chapter 7

“Bobby Fulbright. I was under the impression that you were no longer allowed to be here.”

Gooood he STILL goes for the full titles all the time when “orienting” to the conversation, like he didn’t need to use any name at all here. I’m telling you, 1. This is his character trait, Lex and Phantom alike, and 2. It’s so Franziskan sdkjsdnkjsd.

Bobby sighed. It was like everyone around him realized his care for the Phantom was unwarranted. He himself realized it too, but that didn’t change anything. “I know. I’m just an idiot like that.” “Acknowledgment is the first step to recovery. Now take the next step and get out.” With that, Lex made to slide the headphones back over his ears.

UM rUDE xDDD

While the concept of him being aromantic had been cast into doubt ever since the surgery, he didn’t mean to dig much further into it. Unless he was somehow miraculously saved from execution, his sexuality didn’t matter. He would die just as he’d always lived; alone. The concept didn’t quite stop him from appreciating Benny’s handsome features, though. Or the way Benny kept smiling as if he wasn’t looking at a murderer.

Ohooooh my. Here we are! Precisely what connects back strongly to a lot of the stuff I discussed in my previous post but I couldn’t quite fit it in.

So like. I could very much see what was going on here. Mhm. Yes I did. We are getting implied Lex/Benny. And, confession time, but I MIGHT have stumbled across a post that heavily implied Lex/Benny back before I had ANY inkling of who Benny was… Back before Lex was Lex. So it meant absolutely nothing to me at the time, it simply DEEPLY confused me in the sense of “You’d think I’ve read far enough into the series and yet WHY can’t I make heads or tails of this post?” But, I quickly put it out of mind and temporarily forgot about it and was able to continue reading the text “blind”, but when Benny actually showed up… and Lex is Lex now… And Bobby’s all “He’s SINGLE 😉” I narrowed my eyes all like. Oh. Oh… There’s a certain way this could go. But I still thought “Hey. Maybe nothing will happen and neither of them will develop feelings, maybe it’s just like, a fun side-idea the author personally likes but didn’t put directly into the story- ohhhh and here it is hints on Lex’s side building up in the story. WELL THEN.”

It just felt like…

The author: [shipteases phantomquill, phantom/Athena (YES I KNOW THAT WAS A JOKE AND I AM INCLUDING IT ONLY AS A JOKE THAT WILL LENGTHEN THIS LIST), spyshipping, and even Freudian Phantombright (I AM ALSO INCLUDING THIS LAST ONE ONLY AS A JOKE)]

The author, after doing all of this: [whips out/ushers in their OC at the last minute to pair up with him]

Me:

DFJKSDLKSDKL

The above is a retooled version of a message I sent to my friend at the time – I hope the summary comes across as more of a comically condensed expression of frustration-at-the-time and not mean-spirited (mean-spirited is not what I want to be, I just exaggerate for comical effect is all, and I didn’t expect I’d be telling my feelings to the author directly ahhah..) But as already established? I was quite bitter over the now-you-see-it-now-you-don’t phantomquill, and so I was not particularly impressed at the time as a result… xDDD

I also just love how he, of all characters, seems to be the “launcher of a thousand ships” here… LOL

But of course, Benny is not technically an OC, is he? :P You can argue he’s merely an interpretation of a canon character from Dual Destinies – the courtroom sniper. Dskjdsjknsd

At the time it might have felt “ushered in”, but in reality, Benny has that connection to a “canon” character – the courtroom sniper – the further connection to ace attorney canon through being Shelly’s son, AAAND has already been very much intertwined in this series through “off-screen” references. He really is quite heavily grounded in the fic’s lore. And in Ace Attorney lore. Very, very clever and well-done. …Of course, I didn’t know any of this until the Reveal, so I remained unimpressed until then. Now post-reveal is a different story, and I came to intensely appreciate not only Benny as a character but also just how awesome the dynamic between Benny and Lex really is.

Shipping aside, you have the aroace business… I have actually previously come across a post on your blog where you stated you kinda felt bad for not keeping Lex aroace. I feel like this can easily get pretty thorny, and I want to kind of, as I stated in a previous post, analyse the text as an independent entity here – how I would judge/react to the text without any knowledge of or contact with the author or the context it was crafted in. Indeed, at the time of reading Lifting Spirits I didn’t have a clue what you may personally be or whether you were personally aro/ace or not and couldn’t make any assumptions either way.

There’s, I guess, two main ways to look at this… the phantom was effectively aroace and there was never any evidence suggesting otherwise. But with blocked emotions removed, it turns out the man is not aroace. You can treat “the phantom” and “Lex” as two separate entities in this regard.

But the phantom didn’t completely lack emotions. If Lex is not aroace… It stands to reason that EVEN IF there never was any evidence to suggest the phantom was anything but aroace, there was still the potential for small, limited amounts of evidence that he wasn’t to occur, even if such a thing did not happen to occur when he was the phantom. Which would make the phantom technically not aroace(?) but he simply never realised that. Hmm.

If there were a blanket consistency – if the phantom had experienced an extremely limited and probably outright warped sense of attraction or something like that – or if Lex was also aroace – then there wouldn’t be any “issue”. But as it is, it’s very easy to derive Unfortunate Implications from how it is set up, wherein the Emotionless Killer is aroace, but then he gets to experience proper emotions and becomes a “real person” who basically gets redeemed as that new person and all of a sudden… Only after becoming a “real” and “proper” human being he experiences attraction. It’s all too easy to feel like perhaps the message is that attraction is an integral part of the human experience – EVERYONE’S human experience.

And the flip that happens between the phantom and Lex in this realm further drove home what I perceived to be the massive distinction being made between the two and helped fuel much of my feelings surrounding what I discussed in the previous post. About how perhaps “the phantom” was being thrown under the bus to set up Lex as the good and better alternative. By treating them as two separate people, the connection is not TOO far away to feel as if the aroace aspect is attached to the phantom as part of what gets “thrown under the bus”, inherently attached to a villain seeing as it does not get carried over, inherently attached to emotionlessness – something necessary to be “cast aside” in order to fully complete a transition into a redeemable and “complete” human being.

I do know that none of this was your intent, and I sensed at the time of reading that it was not the author’s active intent as well, but not having enough background context at the time, I couldn’t entirely dismiss the possibility that perhaps it was a possible unintended predisposition bleeding through – nothing malicious in the least, mind you. But perhaps a subconscious assumption that every human being feels attraction and… idk. I wanted to believe the best of the work and the author but it was just, at the very least, an unintended implication that I could not entirely ignore. Being ace myself, it kinda stung, although I did keep that to a minimum until I could actually have more context.

I’m glad for being able to have access to additional context so that I can enjoy the work as it is to the best extent – if, for example, I did not have access to any information or additional context whatsoever about the author and the background under which the work was crafted in, I wouldn’t have been able to entirely shake the discomfort and it’s something small that would have continued to bug me long after I’d finished reading, if only for the fact that I would never have been able to know for sure if the writer was actually dismissing something like asexuality or not.

And Conflicted Thoughts/Feelings once again because, if we step back for a moment and look at this particular narrative thread as it exists in Lifting Spirits and its conclusion as a whole, I AM happy for Lex, it’s great that he gets to have a love interest, it’s a great ship, and the concept of the former phantom becoming attracted to someone and getting a crush is so so great…

What it ultimately comes down to, is that even if you can read Unfortunate Implications into the text regarding the aroace business, any such implications were not your intent. I much prefer reading a text in the most charitable way possible to enjoy it to the fullest possible extent, so that’s what I’ve ultimately done, given additional background info.

Lifting Spirits, Chapter 8

The complete role reversal of this chapter is so good… For months and months prior to ever beginning to read this series, I’d actually been working on a fanfic of my own, albeit for a different fandom. It also centres around inverted character dynamics and such as the central running theme to the extent that it’s even alluded to in the title… But this… The role reversal or transformation that Lifting Spirits centres around is so… It does it so damn well. Kind of makes me want to hold myself and my own fanfiction to a higher standard.

I had perhaps been a little bit suspicious of Benny prior to this chapter, but not much… And the end of the previous chapter had me VERY much like “OK… SOMETHING’S WRONG HERE… SOMETHING’S WRONG! WHAT IS THIS GUY’S DEAL?!” BUT omg this reveal

Lifting Spirits, Chapter 9

He’s the fourth heir to the lineage of De Killer, which means spilling blood is in his blood. It’s a shame, really, that he can’t stand the sight of it.

This chapter description is just so poetic. It’s like, the chapter description is not really separate from the fic itself – it’s just as artistically intertwined with the text. Absolutely GORGEOUS chapter description.

Oughhhhh Benny’s backstory and just. His whole character and the internal conflicts that he has and EVERYTHING is just so damn compelling WOW!

The glimpses into Benny’s past and home life are such a fascinating look into how vastly different his frame of references are… How very unique his perspective and positioning in the world is.

The Phantom… Benjamin had heard of this man, of course. An international spy. One who was so wanted that his father had been hired by at least five clients.

F-FIVE CLIENTS?! AT LEAST? LEGEND.

Okay this is quite interesting to think about too because I always figured that Shelly would only ever take on one client and have one target at a time, so that he could devote his full attention to the task at hand and uphold his end of the contract – his client has faith in him to do a job and to do a job well, so I figured a single-handed focus would be part of that. Under normal circumstances, this would present no issue. Why would it? Shelly’s very good at his job and tracking down an assigned individual target wouldn’t be too difficult. My impression is that a job would generally take maybe 2-3 weeks from the time of meeting with the client and the deed getting done, unless it’s exceptionally easy and the person in question gets taken out within the week.

But obviously the phantom presents a clear problem to that operational method. Shelly’s left with a target he has little to no leads on, no physical description, no name beyond the title, who could be anywhere and anyone. Job like that’s gonna take a little bit longer than three weeks. But Shelly is nothing if not a professional, and he’s more than happy to honour his client’s wishes if they want this guy dead, and he’s certainly not gonna give up or back down from the request…! I wonder if Shelly was in the habit of taking on multiple clients at the time or if he was forced to break from his standard method of operation, cause if he has no leads he has to wait until one turns up/keep searching indefinitely. And it kinda puts a huge damper on business to not accept any new clients for years on end. Maaaaan not being able to take the phantom out quickly & efficiently must’ve bugged the HELL out of him too. He’s made a commitment to his client, his (first) client is trusting him to take this guy out, and YEARS pass and STILL it hasn’t been done. Wonder what kind of dynamic that would have caused between Shelly and the first client.

I have no real doubt that Shelly actually had enough money to put business on hold for a few years if that’s what it meant to track down the phantom, if he wanted to. But it’s just not practical if he genuinely has 0 leads to go on for months on end, it makes more sense to be doing stuff in the meantime. PLUS, part of it would also be to ensure that the de Killer name does not fall into disuse and remains prominent in the minds of the public. To disappear for years only for calling cards to start showing up again… It just wouldn’t look particularly good for The Brand I suppose? The general public wouldn’t know the reason for the silence.

There’s not only that, but he accepts requests from multiple clients for the same target, hugely increasing his payout for a single job. I would have thought it’s possible that were someone to make a request that’s already been made, Shelly might be like “Ah, actually, you can’t select this particular individual”. And if years have passed with no success it begins to raise questions about the “ethics” of accepting further requests for the same person if part of the payment is being made in advance, which I’m sure it is. But then again – I’m sure there was no doubt in Shelly’s mind that he’d actually get him in the end. The length of time that passed didn’t matter. The job would be done, and he was never going to give up. He had multiple clients depending on him, after all.

I guess every time he got another Phantom request he’d sigh and internally be like “ADD THIS CLIENT TO THE LIST I SUPPOSE…”

Client: I want you to take out the phantom

Shelly, internally: Get in line

Dsjsdjh

Really though I’m very sure that the phantom’s difficulty to track down would have irked Shelly to no end. Not that he would necessarily let such sentiments show externally.

And while I’m speaking about this, I guess I will also address Benny being his son here as well. My reaction REALLY was “HIS FATHER??? HIS FATHER????”

I’ve never played DGS and I know there’s de Killer stuff going on in those game(s) and I don’t know if any light is shed in that series on how the lineage works – hm! It’s interesting to think about. One of the theories I’ve seen proposed is that the new de Killer establishes themselves as such by successfully taking out the previous de Killer – no familial relation. That has logistical issues of its own however but it was kind of the default idea that I’d gone with as I hadn’t really seen any others discussed.

Shelly’s unique job and his intense dedication to said job makes it very VERY hard for me to picture him not only establishing a relationship with someone but also fathering a child with someone… It’s quite hard for me to picture how it would work. How it would look in practice. And of course, in the Benny flashbacks, there is no mention of a mother. So I was a little bit like ????? on that front. And then you get the reveal practically at the VERY end of the fic that Benny is adopted, which makes plenty of sense. It is hard for me to picture Shelly as a father but I CAN see him adopting, caring for and raising an adopted child. A child that is to continue the proud de Killer heritage.

THE FACT THAT SOMEONE GOT MISTAKENLY SHOT BECAUSE THEY WERE ASSUMED TO BE THE PHANTOM BUT WEREN’T… OOF. Hope Shelly didn’t prematurely celebrate on that one. He might’ve already enlisted three clients wanting the phantom gone by that point and thought that he could FINALLY collect the rest of whatever money they owed him from them – that he could FINALLY reassure them that the guy was finally flippin’ DEAD. Perhaps only for the phantom to show up AGAIN some time later. (Shelly doing refunds? Dsjksdkj). Ok but on a serious note – I know he would’ve probably known it was not the phantom either immediately after/soon after the guy was shot. There’s things like No Mask and whatnot and probably the aftermath would have made it obvious it was the wrong person without the phantom needing to show up on Shelly’s radar once again. But OOF.

In March, a man had come to see Ben ‘Benny’ Volent, seeking counseling. A man who bore the name of Bobby Fulbright.

WHEN THIS REALISATION HIT ME… OH MY GOD? OH MY GOD? BOBBY FULBRIGHT HAD BEEN UNLOADING THE TRAUMA OF WHAT HE SAW… ONTO THE SON OF THE VICTIM! I CANNOT. THAT IS… NOT GOOD. Being so close to the murder victim can compromise the therapist’s ability to assist the patient at hand, so… conflict of interest! Benny had to sit there and listen to recounts that would have deepened his OWN pain. Bro I am SO sorry. WHAT a punch this was.

Agent Lang had mentioned a move to the federal prison right in front of Benny.

NO JOKE but back when that scene originally occurred I was just like “UMM should they REALLY be discussing this while the therapist is there?” Because I had found Benny to be a LITTLE bit potentially suspicious and. Hmm!

OKAY THE FUNNIEST PART – OR RATHER – THE MOST WACK PART OF THIS ENTIRE SITUATION IS JUST HOW MANY LEVELS OF “CROSSES THE LINE TWICE” IT IS.

Like. The realisations started pouring in for me, one after the other. First it was like “um, Benny counselling Bobby considering the circumstances is a conflict of interest that can potentially compromise his ability to remain objective and properly assist Bobby’s recovery”. THEN, hilariously enough, I was like “UM, IT IS HIGHLY UNPROFESSIONAL FOR BENNY TO ACT AS LEX’S THERAPIST – EXTREME CONFLICT OF INTEREST SEEING AS THE PHANTOM KILLED BENNY’S FATHER AND YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED PERSONAL BIASES TO GET IN THE WAY WITH HOW YOU SEE THE PATIENT”. This was coupled with how… awkward I found it earlier on for Bobby to even suggest, however jokingly, to Lex that Benny was single – how iffy it was for Lex to have developed feelings for Benny (cause if you got feelings for ur therapist that’s bad news for the therapy and Lex even seems to know this) or the possibility that perhaps it was on some level reciprocated, which would be highly unprofessional and further detrimental to the therapist-patient relationship.

BUT THEN I REALISED THIS WAS ALL MOOT AND COMPLETELY BLOWN OUT OF THE WATER ALL BY:

BENNY WAS TRYING TO KILL LEX THE WHOLE TIME ANYWAY.

So LITERALLY WHO CARES about conflict of interest or “professional conduct” here, I’M PRETTY SURE IT IS NOT IN THE LINE OF A THERAPIST’S WORK TO BE ACTIVELY TRYING TO KILL YOUR PATIENT.

And all I could do was laugh. This is the kind of crosses-the-line-twice funny, there’s just SUCH a cluster of professional breaches going on that it is OFF THE CHARTS and loops back around to being hilarious. You can’t even criticise ANYTHING specific about Benny’s conduct, there’s no point, because it is so BLATANTLY and obviously out of line, professionally and legally speaking, in its ENTIRETY. And then you realise his credentials were faked to begin with too, even though he’s genuinely studied the profession and is good at what he does. He’s walking around with faked qualifications ANYWAY.

Lex and Benny’s patient-therapist dynamic was stuffed to HIGH hell, inherently, far before it ever began. It was already compromised beyond belief. THE GUY’S QUALIFICATIONS AREN’T EVEN 100% LEGIT… >failed step one. It is SO wild and subsequently funny as a result. Benny got built up as such a good therapist too, and don’t get me wrong, he does seem to actually be good at what he does as I said. But then you go ahead and reveal all of this about him and it’s sooo… omg

Lifting Spirits, Chapter 10

Simon was about to turn away when he thought he saw it. Just for a fraction of a second. Were Alexander’s lips about to quirk into a victorious smirk? …No, that was ridiculous.

OOOHH MY GOOOOOD I HAD TOTALLY FORGOTTEN ABOUT THIS I SWEAR TO GOD………… I swear to god. Acting skills WAY too strong. He’s still got it. This man is way too powerful/skilled for his own good I swear to god.

Yes, he successfully got Benny to leave and he got out of the ordeal of being held at gunpoint unscathed. But he still had been terrified when going through that. Regardless of how things turned out it makes sense for Lex to be in shock and still be working out some of that fear. Because he HAD been genuinely terrified. And I wouldn’t be surprised if he is genuinely a little in shock during this scene but oh my god.. Because it makes sense for him to still be jittery and then I just. LEX. KINDA HATE THAT I MAYBE GOT A LITTLE WORRIED BECAUSE STILL BEING SHAKEN MAKES SENSE BUT ALSO CONFUSED AT THE EXTENT. On first and second readthrough.

Can’t really say too much else about this chapter right now it’s just sooo intense and riveting gosh.

For a split second, it seemed like Fulbright was so overcome with emotion he might try to pull Alexander into a hug as well. Luckily, Lang cleared his throat in such a loud manner that it was obvious he did so on purpose.

LANG HOW COULD YOU. “LUCKILY” MY FOOT.

Lifting Spirits, Chapter 11

His license was most likely a fake. Would any report compiled by him be worth a damn? And to think, Bobby Fulbright had spoken so highly of him.

WAIT I WAS ONLY JUST SAYING THIS EARLIER SDKSDKNS

Hey. I obviously knew this Mirage scene was coming this time around and yet it managed to somehow sneak up on me anyway. When I got up to it and read through it I just outright started crying. I did not cry on the first readthrough, I was completely dry-eyed. I GOT SUPER ATTACHED TO AND MORE EMOTIONAL OVER MIRAGE ON MY SECOND READTHROUGH OF THIS SERIES FOR A REASON.

Oh, something else that struck me on first readthrough about this scene was… The phantom always EASILY felt to me the far more “bad” person compared to Mirage. When compared to the phantom, Mirage always felt… well, it was easy for me to forget that she’s also done terrible things, that she’s also a criminal. She naturally just seemed like the waay better person – with SOME amount of a moral compass. So it was odd to suddenly have her being in the same room as Lex, no longer being contrasted against the phantom, but contrasted against Lex instead… Lex seems to actually have a much more proper moral compass compared to her now. He’s actually filled with remorse and regrets.

Mirage… still chose to kill people. She’s still herself, and that self is someone who didn’t have a bone sliver preventing her from understanding how much of a powerful impact death can have. It was odd… Lex knows internally how bad killing people is now. Mirage most likely still doesn’t really know… not only that, but… he would know that she doesn’t? I don’t know how to explain what I’m getting at here, but yeah.

Also:

“Why did you ask to see me?” he found himself asking. “…Why do you care?” She giggled, the sound of it rather strained. “Because we’re friends, you idiot.” “We’re not…-”

Me:

“You’d better pray the Phantom’s retrial leads to the death penalty. I’m being released next year, but I wouldn’t mind being tossed right back in here if it means I got to strangle Metis’s killer with these two hands.”

…N-NEXT YEAR?! BUT THAT’S… SO SOON… SOONER THAN I… THOUGHT… I FIGURED SHE HAD LIKE… MAYBE ANOTHER TWO YEARS LEFT… I DIDN’T REMEMBER HER SAYING IT’S NEXT YEAR.

[Thinks about this line and then Tracking Ghosts]

Oh my god… Can it PLEASE at least be the second half of the year I’m dying here… Like I KNEW she had to be released from prison eventually and. Yeah. I JUST THOUGHT WE HAD MORE TIME.

You know what’s funny? This line 100% didn’t faze me on first readthrough. Ahahaha. Why should it have? “You’d better pray the Phantom’s retrial leads to the death penalty” was, after all, my own train of thought at the time… HDHDFH. I was just kinda [nods] “at least someone around here’s got the right idea.” …AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

You completely missed me on the first go, but second time’s a charm. Ya got me. Ya got me with this line this time around. I am worried. :’)