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thebookofbri · 4 years ago

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Things I Wish I Told My West Indian Parents - The Collective

Dear Kings and Queens , I come to you all with a warm heart of gratitude. I applaud your courage, your strength, and your voice! Thank you for trusting me enough to share these very sensitive thoughts and experiences that you have all held close to your heart. May these pieces serve as a R E L E A S E . May they BIND UP the negative impacts that they’ve caused and may they LOOSEN the beautiful souls that you all are evolving into.

Whether you are a viewer outside of the west Indian community, a west Indian parent, child(ren) of west indian parents, or a supportive friend, I ask you to open up your hearts and minds to these shared stories and experiences below:

“I wish I told my west Indian parents that disciplining your children doesn’t always have to mean putting your hands on us – A conversation here and there would’ve been enough. ”

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“ I wish I told my west Indian parents that I was a bisexual”

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“I Wish I told my west Indian parents that I think I would’ve been into church wayyyyyyyyyyyyy more if not so forceful. Like I wish they would just talk to us as humans. Not as a thing. Don’t get me wrong I’m into church and love God. I’d give my life to stand up for him. But growing up I would’ve been this way if not so forceful”.

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“Communication especially about the uncomfortable topics like sex! Life isn’t just about education and working!

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“Growing up I was never truly allowed to express myself emotionally if physically. Like if I ever thought my parents were wrong and I dared to speak up about it no matter how respectful I was about it, I would get shut down disrespectfully as if I was in the wrong the whole time. It hurt me because I didn’t really know how to and it affected my school, work, and even personal/romantic relationships. I was also put under extremely high standards, this put a lot of pressure on me from and every young age. It was hard for me to learn how to let go, it was hard for me to learn it’s okay to not be perfect, it was hard for me to accept failure and truly I still struggle with it which also makes it hard for me to open up about things I’ve failed in or not being able to make those around me happy as I feel they should be”.

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Things I Wish I Told My West Indian Mom - When you tell your daughter “little girls should be seen and not heard” You’re teaching her to be submissive and passive. You’re teaching her that she has no voice and it’s not her place to speak on things she’s passionate of. You’re teaching her to sit by and watch men screw up everything consistently. Unfortunately, you’re teaching her that her voice doesn’t matter which is ruinous to her development because her voice is one of the most powerful tools in her belt.

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1. I wish I didn’t have to figure out that you loved me or that you were proud of me, I wish you would have just told me. For years, I worked to earn what should have been given to me as a birthright and in your inability to express this to me, I struggled to find it in myself and so sought it in the world. I didn’t find it there either.

2. The provisions you provided me, the house, the lights, the food, and the clothes; they were always appreciated but there was nothing I valued more and rarely received like your physical presence. You worked ceaselessly to provide and I will never forsake or undermine that sacrifice but you missed what mattered that most; the person I grew into. That person was more than a profession. That person was more than the education. That person was more than the expectations and I wish you had gotten to know her, because I struggled to find her, heal her, and forge her, to become her, and more likely than not; you’ve never had the pleasure of meeting her.

3. I wish your love language wasn’t physical discipline. In place of constructive affirmations or words of affections, your preferred course of action created more gaps in the love story you poorly narrated over the course of my life. It made resenting you second nature and resenting the world; first.

4. I wish I could carry the weight of dashed dreams, the ones you called expectations, as easily as I could shoulder the weight of the hurtful rhetoric that had become commonplace between us. Know that in spite of that, I tried and still try to live up to them, if only to give you the joy that seemed to escape you so often. If only to shrink the cost of your sacrifice.

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I Wish They Told Me That Silence is Not A Strength ! Since I was a little girl I’ve watched my mom bend over backwards for people whose sole intentions were to take advantage of her. Through and through, I always hear her say when people wrong you, just turn the other cheek. Now, don’t get me wrong it also says that in the Bible, but in the Haitian culture we tend to use The WORD out of context quite a lot. She was never truly happy, but never dared to speak up. Of course, I learned from her, after all, she was my mother ! THIS silence has broken me times and times again. Even when I was wronged in many ways imaginable, by family who was supposed to love me and care for me. Eventually, I came to the realization that if everything bad that happens to me I stay silent, then how can I help the next person who went through that situation or something? One of the main events in my life that lead to this realization was when a family member tried to abuse me sexually.

In that moment I told myself “ I can do two things scream so everyone in the house will come running, and he will stop or stay silent like I was taught” I went with option two.... I SCREAMED like my life depended on it. When asked why I was screaming, I explained that he ( my cousin) tried to touch me inappropriately. I was met with so much disappointment. My uncle asked me “ how could you even say that ? Are you trying to bring shame to my family ?”They told me to never repeat the occurrence of that event. It was killing me, so I decided to tell my dad . I was living with this family after my mom passed away, because it was too painful to stay in the house that mom and I shared almost all of my life. I told my dad all that happened, he was furious, and decided that I had to come back home.

My dad was the only person who believed me before I even uttered a word. I then moved to the United States, and told myself that this so called family was practically dead to me. The trauma was slowly killing me. At the age of 17, I decided to begin my own healing process, and started telling everyone who will listen, and I started to feel better because I could finally speak! I was free from the bondage of silence, It felt like I was almost completely in control of my voice again.

Finally, I decided to make the final process of my healing forgiveness. I forgave them, but I promised myself that I will never let anyone hurt by keeping my truth hidden, no matter how ugly it may be. I am now the mother of a beautiful littler girl, and I can never imagine her being in my position, but scared to speak up against injustices, unfair treatment, and things that make her uncomfortable.

Silence in our culture allow evil to repeat itself. Our culture is so good at sweeping things under the rug that it will eventually destroy our nation. However, I will continue to teach my daughter to always use her voice!!. I will teach her to be the voice of reason for her generation. I want her to know that I have her back no matter what, and I will choose to believe her story every single time. SILENCE is not a strength!

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I Wish my West Indian Parents Told Me that vulnerability does not equate weakness.

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I wish my west Indian parents told me that they loved me.

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“As an adult I struggle to have real genuine romantic relationships and friendships because I struggle with being emotionally intelligent and available to the ones I care about. I wish my parents taught me how to love – their example as a married couple seemed dull and lifeless. Their relationships with me and my siblings reflected that very same thing.”

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“As a young woman I wish my west Indian mother told me that being single after college and wanting to do my own thing is okay. I wish she told me that It didn’t and still doesn’t take a male figure to complete me”.

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“I wish my parents didn’t compare me to other people’s kids – all it did was embarrass me and make me feel like I wasn’t good enough”.

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“I wish my west Indian father would actually spend time with me – I know he has to work but his absence has impacted my life so much”.

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“I wish my west Indian parents knew that I am trying my best and that mental health is real. I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression and it’s not an excuse to do nothing - I just need help”.

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Thank you for your support and thank you for taking the time to read the experiences of others. .

I ask that you reflect on what you’ve read.

Has this raised any awareness for you?

Are there similarities or parallels that you can make from these stories in your own life?

If you are West Indian – what will you do differently as a parent? As a friend? As a daughter or son?

Any conversations you think you’d start?

Peace & Love Tribe 🌻❤️

#WestIndian WestIndianParents WestIndianFamily WestIndianChildren Love Relationships Stories Love ToughLove Impact Trauma

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isthatbloodonhisshirt · 5 years ago

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BRUH i just need you to know,, i just need you to know how fucking excited, how fucking ELATED i am about this new fic. im so fucking happy dude you have made my year and it hasnt even STARTED yet. thank you. THANk you :'')))

;~; Thank you so much ;~; I’m so happy to hear that! Considering it’s only three chapters deep, that means a lot ;~; Thank you!

I really hope it doesn’t disappoint >.> It ended up wayyyyyyyyyyyyy~ longer than I intended, but I kept adding to it and adding to it and, well, hopefully you enjoy it and it doesn’t drag |D

Thank you for the support and the kind words, you are amazingly kind

I hope you have a great New Year’s!

#not tw #Blood's yakkity yaks #Anonymous

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white-kween · 6 years ago

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Simple As That (1/2)

Reader X 70’s!John Deacon

Summary: Your relationships always ended up with you being heartbroken, so that’s why you chose to stop dating. Even with your promise to yourself, a certain bassist has you reconsidering it all.

A/N- This story was taking wayyyyyyyyyyyyy to long for me to figure out and I kind of hated how it was always ending out, so I decided to make two parts for this story. Sorry that it’s taking me so long to post and create things for this blog. I’ll make sure the second part doesn’t take 3 weeks to post:P anyways, hope you guys enjoy this first part:) constructive criticism always wanted AND PLEASE GIVE US REQUESTS!!!!!!!!!! -L

Italics are thoughts btw

(Kinda a slut for John Deacon not gonna lie)

“Shit shit shit...” you repeat as you push your way through the busy crowd. You woke up past your alarm again and you were on the brink of being late to work. If you were, you knew your boss would have your head... probably hanging in her office.

Finally, you reach the shop you work at right on time. You speed walk into the shop while trying to catch your breath.

“Glad to see you made it, Y/L.” Your boss said with one of the fakest smiles you’ve ever seen.

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world, Cheryl.” You return, with your own fake smile. You continue walking to the back so you can place your belongings away. Your co-worker and best friend, Mary Austin, walks up beside you also putting her own things away.

“Good morning dear. How are you today?” She asks in her kind voice. How she always seemed to be happy in the morning beats you. You hate mornings with a passion.

“Could be better honestly. Neighbors kept me up all night with their ‘amazing’ sex.” You grumbled back to her.

“Sounds like your jealous, Y/N.” She said while laughing. You two turn to look at each other, but you notice how her smile dies when she looks at you. “Y/N you look like you haven’t gotten sleep in days!”

“Is that your nice way of telling me I look like shit?” You tell her jokingly, sticking your tongue out. You pull out the little compact mirror in your bag to look at yourself, and well... hot wasn’t what you would describe yourself as. You still had bed head, the corner of your eyes were filled with eye boogers, the side of your mouth is covered in dried up toothpaste and of course the bags under your eyes were very prominent. Looking at this you sighed and cleaned up what you could before heading into the front with Mary to start your shift.

After hours of dealing with rude customers and boss, your shift had finally ended. All you were dreaming about was going home to have a nice hot shower and after laying on the couch with a glass of wine. Then, when the sun had finally set you’d go to sleep and have a fresh start in the morning.

“Excited for Freddie’s gig tonight?” Mary said beside you. Internally, this made you groan. All you wanted was to go home and rest, but you had promised both Mary and Freddie that you would be at his next gig with his band.

“Of course I am!” You tried to put on your best act. You knew there was no way of getting out of going to the gig tonight, so you knew you might just as well go.

“Good. I’ll see you later!” Mary said, waving goodbye and going off into a separate direction.

Hastily, you made your way home to freshen up with a shower and change of clothes. Looking in your bathroom mirror, you felt good in the way you look. You looked tired still, but more put together now, especially with your hair being tamed down to its natural state. With one last nod, you headed out for the door and to the venue Freddie’s band is playing at.

As soon as you walk into the pub, you’re immediately hit with the stench of beer and cigarettes. You’re not the least bit surprised at how busy and crowded the the pub is. Mary had told you loads of stories on how the crowds were starting to build up and become crazier. Immediately, you spotted Mary’s blonde hair and make your towards her.

“Busy night isn’t it?” You say once you reach her.

“Oh good you’re here!” She ignores your question and instead embraces you in a hug which you gladly return “I think this is the biggest crowd they’ve had so far.” She says pulling back.

“By the looks of it, seems like they’re gonna go places. Especially since they have Freddie.” As soon as you said that, the crowd started cheering. You turn your attention to the stage and see Freddie and his band mates stroll onto the stage like they own the place. Once he got up to the mic, he starts interacting with the crowd like you’ve never seen anyone do before.

“Hello all you beautiful faces out there. How are we tonight?” The crowd cheers back to answer Freddie’s question. You stand there with the biggest grin on your face, enjoying every second of how the crowd loves him as much as you do.

Once they all started playing their songs, it’s like your grin got impossibly bigger. The whole band was incredible; Freddie’s voice was amazing as always, the guitarist was playing flawlessly, the drummer was radiating confidence off his body from feeding into all the yells and cheers girls were throwing at him, And the way the bassist easily played and maybe even danced every once in awhile was definitely eye catching. They were all amazing.

Sadly, the gig had ended way too fast. You could’ve watched them play for the rest of your life if you had your way, but that wasn’t gonna happen. On the bright side, you were now on your way to the back of the pub to meet the band. For some reason, you were feeling a little nervous which is nothing like you at all. Finally, you reached the back and you see that all the boys were packing their things away into their van.

“Y/N, darling you made it!” Freddie yells enthusiastically, running up and hugging you tightly.

“Fred, you did amazing out there! You guys killed it!” You gush, hugging him just as tightly.

“I knew you would love the show,” He gave you one last squeeze before going over to Mary and giving her a kiss on the cheek and embracing her to his side. “Boys, this is my dear friend Y/N, Y/N meet Brian who plays guitar, Roger the drummer, and John our bassist.” You shake Brian and Roger’s hand giving them a smile and telling them it was nice to meet them. When you shook John’s hand it was like seconds lingered on longer then supposed too. On stage, he had a this fiery attitude that made you feel like he’d be a hotheaded rockstar, but he was not that. Offstage, it’s like everything about him was gentle. From his smile to how he felt against the skin. You shook his hand and he had a shy smile on his face, and you knew you had a faint blush creeping up on your own.

“Lovely to meet you, Y/L” he says while continuing to shake your hand longer than supposed to. He’s so enticing you couldn’t even reply to him, so you just smile and nod like an idiot. Mentally you were kicking yourself for not saying something, anything, to him.

“Sooo...” Freddie pipes up, directing your attention to him, instead of on John. He let’s go of your hand quickly, letting it fall back down to your side. “Should we have drinks here, or at our place?”

“Is that even a question Fred? Here of course,” Roger replies quickly. “Joining us tonight, Y/N?” Roger asks, giving a little wink in the process. He’s cute sure, but you know he’s just trouble and that’s the last thing you needed.

“Oh, I don’t know. It’s getting kind of late.” You say ignoring his stare by looking at your watch. Last thing you wanted was to be in another game with a “bad boy”. You had already made that mistake once, and you weren’t about to make it again.

“Absolutely not darling. You’re having drinks with us and that’s that.” Freddie orders and what Freddie says goes.

“C’mon, Y/L. When was the last time you had some fun?” Mary adds on. You chew on the inside of your cheek deciding whether or not you should join them. Everyone stood there waiting for your answer. You definitely didn’t want to be a downer, plus you’d be able to spend time around John just a bit longer.

“Okay, okay. I’ll stay and have drinks with you guys.” You declare, earning a relieved look from Freddie and a squeal of excitement from Mary. If you’re being honest, it seemed as if John looked a little bit relieved as well when you decided to stay. No. You already made a promise to take a break from relationships, you remind yourself.

“Right, let’s go then.” Brian’s tall figure lead the way back in. You all decide to squish into a booth that just barely held you all. You were between John, which made your heart flutter, and Roger. Rounds were made to your table, which you all appreciatively downed. Not long after, confidence started bubbling inside to talk to the brunette boy next to you.

“You did an amazing job out there, John. Have a real talent, but I bet you already knew that,” The last part came out a little more flirty then you meant, but you didn’t really care.

“Thank you. Very nice of you to say that,” John said, smiling at the compliment you gave him. You knew he didn’t quite believe what you were saying was true.

“I’m not just saying that to be nice, John. I really mean it, you truly are talented. Between me and you,” You lean over closely to him so he could hear your whisper “you were my favorite to watch.” You pull back to gauge his reaction. He looks at you with a smile that reaches his eyes and a blush on his cheeks.

“Secrets safe with me,” He raises his pinky to signify a promise, you wrap your own pinky around his with a grin on your face.

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Weeks go on by, and you were starting to go to the boys’ show every chance you got. You always told yourself that it was because you loved the band and their music and you wanted to support all four of them, but deep down you knew it’s partly because you wanted to see John more. After that night of meeting the band, you had quickly became good friends with all the boys, even Roger, though he still flirted a bit. With John, it’s like you two were connected at the hip.

The friendship between you two blossomed quickly, surprisingly. It took you weeks to warm up to someone, but with John it took hours. You felt as if there was no judgement between you and him. Every moment you were next to each other, maybe even sharing innocent touches that made your heart leap. Every second you were with him, you felt your small crush deepening into adoration. He’s just... Perfect.

He has soft flowy hair, beautiful greenish grey eyes, the cutest nose, the best smile and the most kissable lips. The best part is that he was an angel with a bit of the devil hidden inside which made you guys get along so well. Like I said, he’s perfect.

Suddenly, you’re ripped out of your thoughts by Mary’s hand frantically waving in your face.

“Y/N, darling, you’re drooling by just staring at the man!” She yells against the deafening noise coming from the band’s party.

“Am not!” You say, wiping your chin just to make sure.

“Love, why don’t you just tell him? It’s quite obvious you like each other,” She suggests. You roll your eyes at her comment, this wasn’t the first time she, or the band told you to admit your feelings to John.

“He doesn’t like me like that Mary, that’s why I don’t tell him.” You reply, but you both knew that was a lie. You knew he had some type of feelings for you too, but it just felt easier, maybe even safer to not tell him your feelings.

“I just don’t get what you’re afraid of, Y/N” getting hurt, yet again. “Sometimes you need to take risks. That’s the only way you’ll make it in life.” She points out. You knew she’s just trying to help, but sometimes you just wanted to tell her to butt out.

At the other side of the party, the same conversation was going on between John and Freddie.

“Just tell her, it’s as simple as that!” Freddie says clapping his hands together.

“No, Fred” John shakes his head “It’s not just that simple.” Especially when it’s as someone as perfect as her, John thought

“Darling, you’re making this way too complicated! It’s obvious that she likes you as well by the way she stares at you, or how she intently listens to every word you say like it’s your last. Not to mention, how she blushes when you give her a compliment or how she nearly forgets to bloody breathe when you touch her!” Freddie says a bit over dramatically, trying to get his point across to the stubborn man.

“What if you’re wrong Fred?” John asks doubtful. It pained him to keep his feelings from you, but he was fearful of the pain that he’d have if he told you and you didn’t reciprocate his feelings, chancing losing you as a friend. The last thing he wanted to do was chase you away from him.

“Me? Wrong? I’m never wrong Deacon, you should know this by now.”

“You’re right. I’ll tell her,” John takes one more drink of his beer before leaving to go find you. Tonight was the night, what’s the worst the could happen? He thought.

It didn’t take him long to find you. His breath hitched watching your bright smile and audible laugh over the loud crowd. The only problem is that you’re with Mary. Maybe it’s the alcohol, or maybe just sheer adrenaline, but John continues his way to you.

“Mary, Freddie’s looking for you.” John tells Mary as soon as he reaches you two. Mary’s eyes search the crowed room for Freddie, and instead of seeing a Freddie searching high and low for her, she sees Freddie cheering on Roger who’s chugging a bottle of liquor.

“You sure John? Doesn’t look like he’s searching for me,” She says back with a slight laugh. She knew what he was trying to do, she just wanted to make it a little harder for him. Realizing what they were both trying to do, you jump in and help out John chase off your best friend.

“Mary I don’t think you heard the man! FREDDIES LOOKING FOR YOU!” You shout out at her. You hear a small laugh escape John’s lips. Mary looks at you with a pout on her lips, then stubbornly got up and made her way towards Freddie. You turn to John with a prideful smile on your lips and happily pat the now open spot next to you. More than happily, John takes the spot beside you mirroring your smile.

As soon as he knew Mary was out of ear shot, he leans in close to where you’re able to hear him clearly “I lied. Freddie was never looking for her,” He confesses.

“Really? I couldn’t tell!” You say with playful sarcasm. “Why’d you lie then?” You lean further into John, causing his already crimson cheeks to grow a shade darker.

“Well... if you really want to know, I just wanted to get you alone” He tries to play off, but his red face was betraying him. You raise your eyebrows a little in surprise at his statement. Instead of asking any further questions, you decide to play along.

“We’re not completely alone,” you gesture to the packed crowd surrounding you “Should we perhaps leave and go somewhere private?” An angelic smile crept onto your lips, but John noticed the unmathcing devilish glimmer in your eyes. He knew exactly what that meant.

“Thinking what I’m thinking?” He asks with his own mischievous grin.

“Oh yeah,” Without hesitation, you grab hold of John’s hand and drag him out of the party. You have so much excitement running through your veins, neither of you even bother to say goodbye to your friends. “Keep up Deacs, don’t need you falling behind.” You tease.

“Don’t worry love, right behind ya,” He gives your hand a tight squeeze, making your heart flutter. If only you could hold his hand like this forever, but you knew better than to allow that.

#bohrap #fan fic #queen imagines #john deacon #john deacon imagines #deaky #deacy #queen fan fic #john deacon x reader #joe mazello #queen

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agentharrisonofshield-a · 7 years ago

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#*goes to do one of those 'bold your kinks' memes for Vivian*#Vivian: 'my kinks and limits are wayyyyyyyyyyyyy too complicated for a simple yes/no/sometimes'#me: 'OKAY NEVER MIND THEN WE'LL JUST CONTINUE OUR USUAL PRACTICE OF GETTING ASKED ABOUT KINKS AND GOING ON 1000-WORD METAS'#Vivian: 'and that's how it should be damnit I am *complicated*'#if anyone wants a muse mine is up for adoption #outofsarcasm #tbd #like I literally went to copy the damn thing and she was just 'nope not helping'

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transparentteenuniverse-blog · 7 years ago

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studyblr introduction?

my studybr transparentteenuniverse

introduction hi im ash im 13 and since ive finally gotten my mental health in check, ive decided to really focus on school getting good grades and all that. and ive been wanting to get as and bs so i figured that this would probably help. so, wooo

@studywithinspo @studyquill @studynotepad@studyskylar @lavishstudies @yourstudygeek @studynow @studyingnic@lemonsstudy @lentilstudies @meg-is-studying @lumstudies @eruditeestudy@m-ediblr @alistudys @study-harder and much more lol

facts about me

capricorn

i am gay/ queer

anxious person

i participate in forensics original oratory interpration of poetry/drama

i LOVE orange is the new black

i say lol and my dude WAYYYYYYYYYYYYY too much

im a tech in plays

i love dramas and plays

i obsess a lil too much with fandoms

i loveee cats i have 2 that are mine

i have a turtle as of today

so yeah thats a get to know me

#studyblr #studyblr introduction #studyblr intro post #studyquill

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anotherehetalia1p2pblog · 7 years ago

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I'm sorry but I can't find your rules do you mind posting them?

Yeah sorry, they were my first post, so they are wayyyyyyyyyyyyy down somewhere.

I don’t really have many rules

ask for any character, not good with nyos or 2p nyos though

any number of character is good

I do 1ps and 2ps

I do scenarios, reactions, stuff

ummm no really gross asks

no demeaning character ask

I will not do ask that I am not comfortable with

no super triggering ask, like suicide, miscarriages (unless it is like everything turns out fine you know)

fell free to just send in ask to talk to me

or ask me questions

This blog is a big family! So be nice and polite to the other followers

That’s pretty much it really

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troglobite · 7 years ago

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question/dilemma

so there’s this bullshit ~leadership retreat~ thing tomorrow that lasts like 9 fucking hours, it’s all day

and it’s because i’m a student employee on campus. it’s mandatory

BUT

i was never told about it

like AT ALL

it was mentioned in passing to me last week, but i wasn’t told details

i was never emailed about it by my employers, even though other people were

these people ALSO never even received a location

and i was only forwarded the email about this thing TODAY/this afternoon, which is WAYYYYYYYYYYYYY less than 24 hours notice

AAAAAND

i spent the day at the zoo today even though my stomach has been SUUUUPER FUCKED UP all day

i’m literally still recovering from some shit, i still haven’t hit a new equilibrium or normal, i’m still trying to get back into the swing of things

and i have a headache and my back is killing me and my feet hurt and if i have to hear or be around ANY OTHER PEOPLE in the next like 3 days, i’ll punch someone or have a meltdown

i loved the zoo, it was fun, but people are inconsiderate idiots with no spacial awareness and they teach their kids to behave the same fucking way

so i’m fucking exhausted

i was given less than 24 hours notice

and no one in charge EVER TOLD ME ABOUT THIS

even though it’s fucking mandatory

my mom is pretty firmly in the “you absolutely do not have to go, fuck them, they can’t fire you” camp

i really really REALLY do NOT want to go AT ALL. but i’m also really worried about what might happen if i don’t.

has anyone worked on their college campus before? what’s the fucking deal? there’s no one i can reach out to at SUCH FUCKING SHORT NOTICE for information, there’s nothing i can find online (IT’S NOT EVEN ON A FUCKING SCHOOL CALENDAR, THERE’S NOTHING ANYWHERE)

i am literally ON THE FUCKING PAYROLL FOR TWO SEPARATE JOBS and i NEVER got ANY information about this goddamn thing

i’m already hired, i’m already on the payroll, I’M ALREADY WORKING, i don’t know WHAT this is (it’s 50% team building exercises based on the shitty completely uninformative “email” that was forwarded to me)

but they say it’s mandatory

and i’m in possibly the WORST state to have to do this

i already have to do ANOTHER one of these specifically for one of my jobs, and that’s in a couple of weeks, and tbh, like, fuck this??? i’ll do that one. that one has specific job training.

THIS ONE WILL NOT. LIKE IT LITERALLY CAN’T. IT’S FOR EVERYONE FOR EVERY JOB.

so just. idk.

what’s y’all’s thoughts i guess.

telling me without any factual basis in reality that i’ll 100% get fired will not help me at all.

this is 1000000% THEIR fault. i know i won’t miss anything important. but i’m worried it’ll look bad or they’ll ~punish~ me somehow, even though it’s literally not my fault at all.

so idk.

i’m asking for opinions.

i need to take care of myself.

i need to sleep in my bed with my weighted blanket and not DO anything. and just buy my school books and sleep and eat food and relax and play games and listen to podcasts n shit.

i can’t Do anything right now.

we went to the zoo bc we’ve been meaning to for ages and the weather was incredible today.

idk i’m fucking rambling and at this point i feel like i’m trying to convince myself. i guess maybe i have.

i’m just anticipating some kind of phone call like ‘where are you what are you doing you’re supposed to be here’

and me going

“yeah well i was given less than 24 hours notice, i’m sick, and i don’t even have a way to make it to campus today. take it up with [person from one job] and [person from the other job] for not informing me about this at all. i had to hear about it secondhand with almost no information, yesterday.”

so fuck. idk

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alangdorf · 8 years ago

Photo

aghgahg sorry I haven't been posting anything I've just been drawing my new children 5050000000500 times and this is probably wayyyyyyyyyyyyy less than even 1/10 of the pics but eh too lazy to post them all right now;; also there's a metric ton of angst

Mostly been conspiring collabing with @teamun lately, aaaaaaaand not really discussing any of this with anyone else so if you have any questions about mi babies feel free to ask cause there's a giant load of info I should probably share but I have no clue where to start! :D

last one is a meme by @croxovergoddess because I am a meme

#art #digital #lol I was doodling in photoshop during class again #wyn #nyx #remind me I still gotta draw coffee and dorky #although we'll hopefully be returning to the scheuduled programming shortly annyway #finally got some things out from over my head #eakgfkjaehfljkjklhgfakjdgjk #my gosh wyn is adorbablbelbl #also been playing a l o t of portal #I <3 portal wITH ALL MY SOUL

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onederings · 7 years ago

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Hormonal // 00001

Monday

June 5, 2017

Life’s good.

I had my last mid-year paper today which was POA Paper 2 and to say that the paper was horrendous would be a complete understatement. It could definitely be compared to a goblin or perhaps a gremlin. However, I couldn’t stop thinking of how easy those papers could have been had I studied since the beginning of this year. Huge, fat regret there.

Speaking of regrets, I have been pondering into a particular regret I have kept to myself for months now. Only for these past few weeks has it started to bite me in the butt. Well, there was a boy and I think you get the gist of it. I guess my hormones are acting up.

I’m not going to make known the whole story which has lead to this pang of heavy regret that I feel so strongly at the moment, I’ll save it for another entry when I’m ready (whenever that is). I kept finding myself wondering how things would have turned out if I had handled things more differently or reacted more differently than I did when certain situations had been presented to me.

Man, I ain’t gonna lie or sugarcoat things anymore, like, bOI IT SURE HAS BEEN A DANG TOUGH LIFE LATELY. I really sincerely wish that it’s just my PMS and that I’m going to find some blood stains in my panties sometime soon because if it’s not that then dear God, please be with me. I haven’t felt this type of shitty since year 8, I believe, which was back in 2015. Woah! I thought I was well over this “phase” but apparently not ://////

I just have been feeling super shitty. Well I mean I feel shitty daily but this kinda shitty is like when you just feel like a sore and utter loser. Most days, I totally werkin’ that soreloser attitude with mega confidence. But it’s just kind of a façade I put up and usually it doesn’t bother me as much but lately, boi has it been taking a toll on me. Like, my walls are slowly being torn up and knocked down and I just feel so huhu.

For starters, I feel ugly. Like shit ugly, like nasty. I have so many good-looking friends and they don’t notice how good they look and I just feel so inferior to them. They’re all such pretty flowers blooming under God’s shining grace. I already had my blooming moment I think and I just feel super withery and drained.

Furthermore (waw this sounds so proper), I feel dumb and stupid. Like, my friends are wayyyyyyyyyyyyy studious and driven than I am and are actually rewarded for their attitude towards school. And me? I know for a fact that I have done a superb job in mucking up my mid-year papers. No surprise there, haha. Yeah, I feel really dumb. Basically.

In addition (wow seems like im typing up a summary up in here woohoo u go girl), I feel like a hoe. Yes, you read that right. A hoe, a floozy, a flirt or whatever you wanna call it. I’m going to spare you the details as to how I ended up feeling like this but well, I feel like a major disloyal dog as of late and it’s killing my ever so slowly from the inside. Like a parasite eating it’s way out of my body.

To condense all this into one emotion, adjective or whatnot is um basically shitty. I actually honestly would love to see a therapist because what makes this whole ordeal much more worse than it is, is the fact that i cannot cry at all. I have tried many ways to get myself to cry but to no avail. Like that saying ‘cry a river, build a bridge ad get over it’ would totally have been gr8! advice for me right now but my tear glands are uncooperative so, Imma have to suck it up and just live with it until my tear glands start working or I forget that I am held within the grasp of this torture.

On the bright side, it’s Abel’s birthday celebration tomorrow. It’s going to be at Jollibee so YAY MFKERS. And there’s a public holiday next week on Monday. YAYAYAYAYAY. And the school holidays too!!!!!!!Then there’s retreat which I have like mixed feelings for. Eh, idk. Like always.

I don’t know.

Yours truly,

Alexa <3

#journal #alexa

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stosslenz · 8 years ago

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Happy.

I have some questions for you.

Are you happy?

If not, why not?

Are you doing what you can to create space for happiness in your life?

Do you surround yourself with people who create space for happiness in their own lives?

Does your happiness depend on other people or things?

Do you feel as though you know how to be intentionally + healthily HAPPY?

Lastly, do you believe you are worthy of happiness or do you consider yourself ineligible?

Why do I ask?

Because I’m in the middle of this happiness revelation thing and it is kind of turning my world upside down, in the best way.

Happiness has been the most difficult part of my journey. If I’m being honest, I wasn’t really taught much about it growing up. I was taught a lot about joy + how we can always have an underlining joy in all things, but this idea of happiness is never guaranteed.

That was something about life that I always found really depressing.

I can think of rare times I told people I was really happy. Or not even really happy, but just HAPPY.

The rare times I have told people I was happy has had to do with someone special being in my life or a great job or money flowing into my life nicely etc.

It was never something I connected to my spirituality or myself- which I believe was what set me up for the wrong belief that I have been set up for this lack of eligibility to have happiness.

I’ve been on this anti-negativity path for the last year + it has been a challenging but very awesome experience. One of the greatest things I have had to rid my life of in order to start living a more positive life has all to do with my beliefs.

I believed some very warped shit about myself, about the world, about God, and life in general.

I spoke these negative beliefs over myself daily, most of the time without realizing what I was doing. Growing up, there were few happy people I knew. Surviving is what was important, happiness was not in the cards for my household.

In fact, I cannot even remember many conversations about happiness, if any at all...

This idea of being able to life a life where I’m not just figuring out how to survive but to be truly, healthily, happy, has been like falling down the rabbit hole into wonderland... EVERYTHING is different.

The way I talk to myself, the way I believe, the way I look at God, at others, at life, at literally EVERYTHING is drastically different.

Because I stopped disqualifying myself from being a happy person. It was pretty simple.

I stopped allowing myself to get in these wild tailspins of stressing out and worrying about stuff I have no control over + realized I am free to stop stressing.

I have felt stress was like this genetic trait passed down to me through my DNA...like it was just as much a part of me as my blood type- there was no arguing with the fact- that is just HOW IT WAS.

I accepted this was how God made me, how God wanted me, and how I would always be, unless someone or something came + saved me from this odd, not terrible, but also not awesome fate I believed I had.

I think we do this as humans more than we could ever realize.

We do this thing where we create these fates for ourselves, without even realizing we’ve done so.

We can think we’re merely sailing about through our day to day...but how do we talk to ourselves?

Do we tell ourselves that we are enough right now? Even if we don’t have the dream job, or dream romance, or dream family, or dream car, or dream house, or dream body etc?

Do we tell ourselves, we will be happy when “this” or “that” finally happens?

WHYYYYY?

Why the hell do we do this to ourselves? We set ourselves up to experience wayyyyyyyyyyyyy more pressure than I believe God ever would want for us.

I don’t believe life is about getting everything we want. I think it is about being happy with ourselves when we have nothing we want at all.

I don’t believe happiness has to be circumstantial. We can be in a horrific season of pain + discomfort, yet still find happiness in who we are, in the way the sun shines through windows, or the way breath still comes in and out of our lungs keeping us alive, or the way things smell, or the way music makes our souls move, or this or that.

The root of happiness isn’t your circumstances, it is on the contrary, YOUR MINDSET.

Mind blowing right?

I’ve decided that at this place in my life, I want to be more focused on being happy and encouraging others to finding true happiness, than anything else. I don’t care that I’m not in a dream life by the time of 25. HAHA I’m nowhere CLOSE to my “dream life”.

I’m single, broke, living a place far from where I was most comfortable, where I was closest to my best friends of many many many years, everything feels out of my control, I am not thrilled about everything happening around me right now- but I am THRILLED about the woman I am becoming.

I am happy that I have this life to figure out what it means to be healthily happy. I am happy I’ve learned that happiness is allowed to be important.

I am SOOOOO happy that I am learning to be happy with little before I ever learn how to be happy with more- if I ever even get that pleasure.

I would never want to be known as someone who created more space in her life for stress than happiness.

I have an amazing life, I love all the newness I’m discovering. I love being a human, being a woman, being Nastassja Lenz.

Some moments I get down, I’m not perfectly happy every moment of every day but I don’t think that’s what it’s about.

It’s about learning how to change behaviors that lead to negative tailspins, in thoughts, words, actions- everything.

So when the bad times come as they always will...inside of myself...in the deepest parts of my heart, I can find happiness in being alive through even the bad days.

So maybe I will be a Barista until I retire, maybe I will never fall in love ever again, maybe I’ll never get to be a mom, BUT do I have to choose to be miserable and depressed and stressed and insecure because of those things?

NO WAY.

Absolutely no fucking way.

Merely thinking about this concept of happiness being a main focus in my life makes me happy.

Try it. Maybe you’re not ready to completely jump on the being happy even with very little, even though blah blah blah exists within you...that’s okay.

Try to think about it, though, what life could be like, if you could learn to be truly, healthily, happy, simply because you are you and you are alive in the world today.

See what happens.

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