#i am nothign without it

[ganondoodle]

just saw more on twitter about the stupid book and apparently theres a "timeline update" and supposedly hylia made the stupid magic pebbles

yeah sure, say whatever you want, theres no saving this shit anymore, lore down the drain yeehaaawww

one of my biggest fears before totk came out was that it would screw not only botw lore up but also mess with existing lore, and i hate to be right on that part, id much prefer if theyd leave whatever shit they invent as being something new and not something that has "totally always existed", they clearly dont care about lore consistency, why do they keep trying to connect things afterwards anyway

....... if im being honest, i was surprised but glad that the game didnt actually end up killing my passion for the franchise even if it made me struggle for a good while

but

the stupid book might. and im being serious.

i really just want to throw everything zelda related i ever made or bought away right now, it will only get worse from here and the sooner i can stop caring the better

"that sounds unhealthy" oh you dont say?? i am mentally ill, in fact, the passion that an obsession like that brings with it can turn into some really ugly distress, i am aware of it, i do fucking wish i could just stop caring about lore and timelines and find something else, but i cant, thats not how this works, just bc i am aware of how stupid this is doesnt mean i can change anything about it, i feel what i feel

[sonknuxadow]

jim carrey as gerald also sucks btw . i already didnt think he was a particularly good choice for eggman because it feels like hes just playing himself and not eggman but seeing them take a character whos entire deal is being long dead but still impacting the story through his grief driven actions and bring him back to life and make him a main character and also turn him into a silly jim carrey character is making me turn into the joker

[championsofmyheart]

did a presentation on sam my boy sam for a friends powerpoint night/birthday party and this was one of the slides on it i simply had to share

[majorproblems77]

Another day another LU analysis with me!

Dawn 9 is here and with it the end of the next arc of the LU comic is done!

This update did a lot and is also a full 10 pages long! So there's a bunch to unpack!

As always linked universe belongs to @linkeduniverse and Jojo, I own none of the pictures I'm using and please give the original post some love. It's very well done and I love this comic so much.

You can find the comic here!

Oh, and obviously spoilers for the most recent LU update if you've not looked at it!

Now, checklist. Popcorn, water and time to read half an hour worth of rambling.

Without further ado!

The letters!

So, Twilight, four and Time all appeared to get letters, with Time getting multiple (More on that later)

Twilights reaction to the super sale was my reaction while playing TP (I recently finished it for the first time! :D) when they opend the store in castle town. Every time i couldnt get there to get potions i was low key gutted.

And Four. Four's grandpa is a mood and i hope we get to meet him.

HE

blorbo blorbo blorbo

The master of standing 🧍

Beloved blorbo i love him

Okay im done

(Im not done)

Poor Sky He's so sad about it D:

But... I, as a part of the The team is heading to Skyloft next, team. Believe that Sun has done this on purpose. (Or that the Skyloftians dont have the mail system for him to retrieve anything) but i like to think its the first one.

Hmmm.... Time got multiple letters. (That takes care of the letter discrepancy)

Twi asking about the ranch, Time looking to one of the letters. This tells me one of two things.

The letter he's looking to could be from Malon, and he's genuenly not concerned.

or The letter he's looking at isnt from malon. Infact, by the way he's looking at it i think its from his Zelda. Possibly a report about black bloods in his time period. (As last time we see them in Time's era. They dont actually fight anything)

Twilight being cheeky and Time's dad face are giving me life.

But... as we know, Time is Twilights direct decendant only by a few generations at most. With the infomation we have from Twilight princess with Shade. And from jojo with Time and Twilight. I'm seeing this conversation as more of a father and son conversation over brothers.

And the rest of this conversation follows this same pattern. Twilight is very much being scolded. He's biting back with what he see's as Time's own words. (not that time know's as such)

Twilight looks genuenly shocked to hear this.

From the hero's shade (Time) in twilight princess.

"You may be destined to become the hero of legend...but your current power would disgrace the proud green of the hero's tunic you wear. "

I am screaming

And now im screaming more. Twilight nooooooooooooo

The we care about Twilight's well being gang. Spoiling us with the full body shots againnnnnnn.

Give me more of these three i love them all together.

And I'm convinced that theres going to be something bad happens to time directly after the end of the LU timeline.

Time is missing an eye. So we know that Shade and Time are closer together than the hero of time (In game). SO.... If time dosent Die on the adventure with the chain. I'm almost convinced he does almost right after he returns back to his time.

The armour is almost identical. He has most of the scaring which lines up....

If the helmet turns up, then i think Time dies during this adventure. It's the only thing i can see as missing.

Twilight.... Now i think Twilight thinks that the gods are giving him an opportunity to save the hero of time from dying to become the heros shade. but thats the funky thing about timetravel.

(Depending on how Jojo and LU time travels works.)

I believe that the timetravel in LU solidifies the adventures of the other links. And that nothign that occours in this adventure impacts their adventures. Even if something was changed it wouldnt change the past.

IE - Twilight breaking his shadow crystal wouldnt mean that wild didnt remember having the wolf on his adventure - as its already happened.

(I hope that makes sense. - time travel is confusing i see it as an alternative timeline type thing)

Moving on!

Wild is best brother 101

Also twilight getting flustered about a girl oh bless this man i low key love him okay

Her!

Also

Smiley man

Epona is a wonderful girl and i love her so much okay

Also Warriors!

HE LOOKS SO HAPPY AGAIN

Man got his emotional support scarf and is no longer stressed (Atleast not visably)

HE!

BELOVED AGAIN HE IS SO HAPPY I AM NORMAL ABOUT THIS MAN

okay

Please understand how much i am cackling at the shenanigans of these three.

Wind rolling around because it is clearly faster mode of travel

Go zoomies wind go zoomies!

Wind rolled down the stairs you cant convince me otherwise. Look at his little superhero pose as hes moving around the corner.

Older brother alert, dont ruin the kids fun warriors they are just getting excited about being on the road again.

Also Warriors, This is normal link behaviour. Just ask Time. He would eailsy tell you that he rolled around hyrule field.

I LOVE HIS LITTLE FACE OKAY

MY BELOVED BLORBO 🧍

(if i run out of pictures i swear to hylia)

There's so much brotherly energy in these panels i love them all so much okay.

Also Sky offering to Pay Time back for the Inn Fee this is why i love the wonderful blorbo okay

Guys im sorry, he's their dad. You cant change my mind.

Thats a dad walk, with a dad sentence.

'Okay guys i need to make sure you are not gonna get killed please have swords.'

The blacksmithing gang getting the love they deserve.

Sky leading the charge! (I know its cause he knows the way and stuff But...)

It also makes a lot of sense. If Sky is the slowest of the group(Again not confirmed but we have had jokes about his stamina), it makes sense to put him at the front to maintain pace of the group. Stops people going too fast and prevents people from being left behind.

Which i might add has already happened. (Warriors and Hyrule im looking at you.)

We just need to read the boss partterns for a bit so we can then decide how to fight it. You know, like we did when we were in our adventures and had to figure out boss mechanics.

Important that hyrule is saying this as his game is arguably one of the hardest. He probably spent a long time on each boss learning attack patterns.

Oh this arc was fun! So much fun i love it so much okay

Thank you so much again for hanging out with me while i write these. I love making them and i really appreciate all the support on them. (If you could share it around i'd really appreciate it :) )

Have a wonderful day! :D

[gingerjolover]

due to recent events a vampire themed halloween fic may be necessary .

vampy!jo coming up for the baby!

For the bit(e)! Jo Maskin x fem!reader

Jo insisted they couldn't spend another minute in the sailor's outfit. Despite your reassurance and saying "but you look so cute!" and even adding a tally under the "you rule" section on the whiteboard, Jo was determined to find another costume.

"The party is at 9 tonight," you say incredulously, looking at the digital clock above the stove, reading 1:30 p.m. "Babygirl, it's Halloween weekend in LA, I'm sure I can find something," Jo says cockily, grabbing their keys, smacking a wet kiss on your cheek and a pinch on your ass before walking out the door.

It's quite a few hours since Jo left, you hear the excited barks of your dog, their nails tapping on the tile floor as Jo calls into the house. "Where are you doll?"

"In the kitchen? Why?" you ask, putting the dish you were washing down in the sink.

"Whatever you're doing, close your eyes...safely," Jo calls out, sounding unsure.

You can't help but giggle at your partner's antics. "Okay, they're closed."

You hear shuffling, bags crinkling, and a few thuds as they hit the kitchen table. Without warning, Jo comes up behind you, warm hands sliding across your lower abdomen, settling on your hips before kissing your neck softly, pressing a slow peck to your jaw. "Keep them closed, okay?" Jo asks, kissing your ear quickly.

"Mhm," you nod, leaning back into Jo. Jo pulls away slightly, head leaving your shoulder before it returns a second later. Josette nuzzles their nose up the side of your neck, pecking your shoulder quickly before you feel a chomp, thick plastic pinching your skin.

"Ow! Josie, what the fuck was tha-" you exclaim, turning around to see your partner with fake vampire teeth in their mouth. Jo watches your face go from slightly hurt to shocked to confused, then to unimpressed.

"A vampire? Seriously?" you say, laughing slightly as you lean back against the sink and cross your arms.

Jo furrows their eyebrows, ripping the teeth from the mouth, spit going with it. "Ew," you laugh, wiping their mouth with your thumb.

"What's wrong with vampires?" they ask, eyes wide. You hold in a laugh, Jo looking legitimately offended.

"There's nothign wrong with...don't give me that look," you say squeezing the meat of Jo's cheek. "You were just talking some big game before you left, I thought you'd be something more...unique," you shrug, watching Jo's eyes widen more, pushing your hand away.

"How dare you? I'll have you know I have a unique spin on this," Jo says, stepping closer to you.

"Oh yeah? What is that?"

"I am the vampire, and you... are my vampire bride," Jo says excitedly, running to the bags and grabbing the veil, ripping it out of the packaging, and fixing it on your hair. They take a good look at you before stepping towards you, one arm snaking around your waist, pulling you into them. Your bodies are flush as they hold you, your lower back still against the sink.

"Vampire bride?" you ask, unimpressed. You watch Jo's eyes widen again, their smile growing before they kiss your cheek, face hiding in your neck.

"What's so special about a vampire bri-?" you start to speak, cut off by Jo's mouth, lightly sucking your neck. "What was that baby?" Jo asks. You can feel them smirking against your skin as they kiss and lick the expanse of your neck, one bicep around your waist, their other hand on your cheek, holding your head to give them access to your neck.

"I was um...just saying...there's nothing... special," you are cut off by your own moan, Jo sucking a hickey into your skin. Their teeth sink in, tongue lapping at the small bite mark, your skin already darkening.

"Babe you can't just do that, we are going out tonight," you whine, hand in Jo's hair, trying to pull them out of the crook between your neck and shoulder.

"This is part of the costume, babe, gotta mark you up," Jo moans against you, biting your shoulder before sucking another hickey into your skin.

"What?"

"Oh come on, the vampire is marking their vampire bride, it makes perfect sense!" Jo murmurs, kissing your lips softly, eyes sultry and mischievous.

"You just wanted an excuse to give me hickeys; what are you, 15?"

"I'm sick of putting them where no one can see them," Jo winks, hands sliding down to your ass, one hand gripping a thigh and hiking it up onto their hip. "C'mon, please indulge me... do it for the bit! How funny would it be? I'm wearing these fake ass teeth, but your neck is all bruised..." Jo all but whines softly, kissing up and down your jaw. Jo looks at the clock on the stove, "It's 4:30 now...think of all the accessories I could put on your neck before we need to get dressed if we go to bed right now," they murmur, rubbing you through your jeans.

"I have work on Monday!" you remind Jo, pushing hair out of their eyes.

"I'll be careful," Jo promises with a murmur, eyes shining as they flicker back and forth between yours and your lips.

"Fine," you mutter, rolling your eyes and fighting back a smile.

"Okay take your shirt off," Jo says excitedly, eyes widening again as their fingers reach for the hem. "I was thinking you could wear your white bodysuit... your chest needs some accessories too..."

[viktormaru]

reasons why i hate zed comic

starting with the personalities, they did shen REAL dirty by making him impulsive and violent when hes the literal opposite of that as trying to be the Eye of Twilight (whose whole thing is suppressing emotions), and it just feels bad to see him like that for, what riot hsa excused as, ~something cooler to see for the audience as a comic media~

Like, I get that his appeal is actually that hes struggling with it, but in the comic it just looks like hes stupid, and not someone who`s been at it for years now bcs hes desperate to fill in his father's shoes bcs its what he thinks he HAS to do...

AND THEN ZED.... DEAR GOD ZED..... Zed used to be this counterpoint to tradionalism with a maquiavelic twist to it. Bcs the context of his desires was Noxus invading Ionia and the kinkou doing NOTHING TO HELP bcs itd go against their teachings... like zed decides that a search for power no matter what is justified if in the end it protects his interests, like his homeland. And thats what made the whole friends to enemies arc from shen and zed so cool bcs with how poorly Shen's dad handled the Jhin fiasco as well... They get eachother, Shen kinda agrees with zed maybe, but he cant commit to that idea at all, he looks for answers in tradionalism

BUT BY MAKING IT SO ZED NEVER REALLY BETRAYED THE KINKOU ORDER AND WAS ACTUALLY JUST OBEYING SHEN'S DAD BCS THAT OLD FUCK WENT COO COO CRAY CRAY IT TAKES AWAY ALL OF ZED AGENCY AND MOTIVATIONS, HES JUST A GUY FOLLOWING ORDER WITH NO GUUUUUUUTSSSSSSSSSSSSS

like no morals no ideals nothign hes just doing what shens dad wants until he thinks even shens dad is not doing it right and kills him, but its too little too late!! zed is completely hollow

its soooo baaad.... cause the little short story of them uniting (which the comic FUCKING RUINS btw) is sooo cool and interesting and tense.... like shen and zed feel like two halves of a whole, or like there cant be one without the other in how they act or see the world idk idk

and jhin is the source of their trauma and the final nail that connects them truly, so if they can find common ground there....

but naah the comic is just weird and exhagerated just bcs its marvel I guess??? NOT to mention!! the sudden constant need for them to be like "ur my bro bro ur like the brotherst brother i have ever brothered bro" and shen gets a wife??? that zed FUCKS SO SHE WONT MARRY HIM??? OR SOMETHING BCS HE DOESNT CARE ABT HER thats gay as shit whats up with the bro thing then (this is half a joke btw (i would reread the comic to make my complaints clearer but i hate it so bad i cant do it by myself) )

and pulling the bro thing in the same comic of having kayn and akali flirt, I have to gag

theres a few snipets of their childhoos together which are cute i guess

and zed is shown to be a good master to kayn, more aking to a father even, which i really love and am glad is canon, but the rest, just put in the trash

the jhins looked fantastic though hes so silly i love him im hitting him nonstop with my flip flops

Oh and they confirmed shen was a red head which was something i advocated for super hard for so long before the comic came out i felt like it was amde for me

edit: also many of the panels looked ugly as shit

[myrskytuuli]

please do share your thoughts on small talk 👀

I just feel like people get weirdly smug about "not doing small talk" Yes, there are wild differences between cultures about where and when small talk is expected. I hated the "how are yous" from cashiers of uk and usa, because they are not expected in my culture. But if I want to get to know a new person, or navigate unexpected social situations, now matter where I am, it just has to be done through small talk. It's just a necessary component of how human interaction works.

And yes, many people are bad at this. Being bad at small talk is fine, but trying to jump over it straight to the "good parts" usually always makes things worse. Small talk very much has a purpose, and its social calibration to scope out the feel of the person. What kind mood are they in? What kind of energy levels they are at? Where the conversation veers from there depends a lot from what you suss out during the lighter small talk topics. If someone is already tired or sad or melancholy, I would not want to bring up depressing existential topics, while a more energetic and positive tone gives me a green light to veer the conversation to more silly topics. A little bit of small talk when you approach a new peron you don't know that well can save you from very unplasant moments of saying something completely tone deaf and embarassing. It's also that if you approach a new person with a really heavy conversational topic already locked and loaded, they might feel trapped by it. It's easy to just casually slide out of small talk, if you don't want to talk to someone, but if that someone has started the conversation with "do you believe in free will" or "let me tell you about the life-cycle of the hummingbird" it is difficult to just leave without looking like a dick. That's why I would never be brave enough to jump over small talk when starting a conversation, because I'm terrified that I've locked someone into listenign to my infodumb against their will. I feel much more comfrotable sequieing from meanigless chatter about the weather into more spesific topics after I've gotten a bit of read on how the other person is responding to me.

Also, and this is just my own experience speaking, but I do feel like people who are loudly proud about being above small talk have the tendency to think that everything they say is deep and meaningful and everythign you say is shallow and meaningless. I think most people who have attended house parties have at some point met this person. The one who loudly proclaims that the world would be a better place if we all just discussed philosophy more, and then goes on a two hour monologue about their last breakup with full confidence that this is a philosophical discussion instead of a onesided ramble. And don't even get me started on all the tinder profiles with no other text expect "don't approach me with a hello, say something interesting or gtfo" Like, call me a boring normie, but I don't want to start every interaction with coming up with a new and clever quip that's measured as the only indicator on whether any conversation should be even started.

And if you are locked in a situationship with total strangers, I don't want to hear about their hobbies or philosophies. I want to hear friendly noises, that assure me that we all feel friendly towards each other, despite being stuck in an elevator. Just meaningless chatter that tells me that no one here is about to throw a random temper tantrum, while we wait to be let out.

And sometimes I just want to lightly chatter with my loved ones, even if we have nothign of really importance to say, to just exchange some idle gossip or telling about mundane things that have happened, just for the pleasure of getting to hear the voice.

I used to be firmly in the camp "I hate small talk, it's dumb" untill I met too many obnoxious people who have made it a weird point of pride to be condescending towards other people who are just trying to navigate social interactions in a completely logical way. Nobody needs to be good at small talk, or even enjoy it, but in my opinion overenthusiastic small talkers are much more preferable to the cynic who doesn't waste time with small talk.

[patchesjam]

GUESS WHAT I MADE BREAD FOR THE FIRST TIME AND IT WAS GREAT I SUCCEEDED isnt that just amazing what the heck wow also artisan bread slaps at 2am with cream cheese also really big win for me bc i cannot step foot in a kitchen without somehow doing something wrong this is such a good day !!!!

ANONIE i am so happy for you :) :) this is so so epic, what kind of bread did you make?

and oh my god there is nothign better than homemade bread eaten like a gremlin at weird hours i fucking love it with goats cheese or cream cheese w some herbs too

[timefornewtime]

hello this is me. i am a slavic girl who feels too much and changes interests a lot but the ones that always stay are garfield, art, and madoka magica.

i want to have a space where i am free to be myself without anyone from real life knowing its me. and this would be it i think. hell yea? i just got diagnosed with adhd and autism like 2 months ago and i really need an outlet.

my favorite things to do in life are eating with people, cuddling, reading out loud to each other, cooking for others, and quitting jobs. NOTHIGN PAYS AS GOOD AS UNEMPLOYMENT FRELS!!!! i just quit my job the other day.

im a full time art student so i will probably blog a lot about that. i used to study at a different art academy so i transferred to this other one now. so technically i am judt starting school. anyways this is me, live laugh love

[ganondoodle]

it feels so unfair...

i just want to have fun making art again instead of wasting uncountable hours working on things that will never work out and get horribly irritated by it

[imquitedumbreally]

there usnt a word to express the sheer existence(unit of measurement, all of reality) that i will be missing. im not even "not whole" without being a woman. I dont exist. There is nothign there to contrast with the bits not there. im hsyt not there. i sm nnot a woman and never will be a woman. i have a penis. I have been taking expensive medicine and ventering mylife for growing boobs and reshaoin my fat distribution and spent tso mlong much efforet sadness on my vouce for it all to just swing and miss. Not even come close. My tansition has been one lack of results after another. i dtuufggle to thing of one thing i have found to have worked since my transition besides geowing my hair to be long but eecen then its not helpful because i dint know how ti do long hair . i was never tight. I never letned. i five up. useless. i am one of thsie cases that just dint grt what they want. its jusynot int he chards. bad luck for me. nothing i can do. but just whinge on social meida.

[seven-cents]

dont like how the matryoshka logs were taking up so much space so I'm gonna copy and paste them here so can get rid of them

Day 1

Dear Devlog,

Today is day one of my long and mentally torturous journey. I am writing to you at the hour of 11am.

I have made minimal progress today. But important progress. Starting with setting up my normal preferences, running tests to get the ratio. Lame stuff, yknow.

I went on to outline many of the scenes and character sprites, there are quite a bit of them so it was arduous but thankfully my best friend, quentin, was here to help me out with a hip new video. His help will be invaluable throughout this timeframe. I love you quentinreviews.

I feel pretty good about how its going, and I'm sure as long as I don't sleep or do anything else for even a moment I'll be done in time. Easy peasy for me, the laziest most adhd person on the planet.

Word count: 0

I can only hope I can make it at least playable before the madness sets in.

Day 2

The madness has set in.

Dear devlog, I feel like a clown and not in the hot way. I got minimal sleep due to me being woken up at an unreasonable hour.

This morning I heard a crackling in my walls, like electricity behind my outlet. This was super concerning since I had a bunch of flammable shit near it. I immediately hopped up and started rearranging my entire room, moving all my canvasses and paint in boxes and whatnot, and in my cleaning I found what looked to be several tiny beads. The crackling had been a necklace I had on a shelf snapping and all the beads falling on the ground. Now I have to unpack everything.

I did however did get quite a bit done, though, 3000 words worth. Most of it is garbage that I'm going to rewrite like ten times but it's something.

Word count: 3,295

Day 3

Dear devlog,

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

everything is a sick cesspit of misery

I got some sprites done tho. By done I mean they're NOTHIGN, but I will fix them later.

demon

Day 4

Didn't get any sleep last night! Had to do stuff today!

Yet, I'm still keeping up pace. With the power of a gallon of chocolate milk a day. HAHAHA.

now get in the hole cunt

Day 5

Dear Devlog,

I've grown to dislike these horrible paints. I have to use craft paints because they're not shiny. They're fifty cents each so I've bought maybe fifty of them. They're all brown and green. All I dream of is brown and green. I hate brown and green.

Who knows what I'll do with them when I finish.

Day 6

Gonna be hard times for the next few days. Won't be able to paint as much but hopefully I can make up for that in writing. Which is terrible because I only have a million paintings to do. Regardless, I can program and write at the same time. nbd.

Words: 4851

Day 7

I didn't update last night because I was so tired! and I had to take time out of my schedule for my weeping break.

The thing about this painting is, I hate it. Like it's way too late to change the colors or pretty much anything without losing a day. That's the problem with doing traditional art, I can't make tweaks without losing so much time. I'm on day 8, that's a little over a fourth way through and I'm looking at my checklist and I'm gonna throw up. But also it's okay. I'm moving things around to keep the important stuff first so some things may be cut.

Day 8

The name is starting to piss me off. I keep having to look it up to remember how to spell it.

I painted rats today.

Day 9

Wahoo! i finshed some painting. Some of the easiest but good enough. I want to get all of them through with by the twentieth so I can make alternates and then digitally edit them in the next ten days. I think I can have a scene and the menu done by today but who knows.

Day 10

couldnt do anything got too sick from pizza cookie

Day 11

look at this fucking bitch what the fuck is his problem

Day 12

I dont think i wanna paint ever again.

its like on every surface of my room. why am i like this why did i wanna do this. oh yeah, its my drive to be the best in the universe.

Day 13

People are gonna make fun of me for making a character look like a vagina. I KNOW I KNOW ITS SUPPOSED TO BE A VAGINA. you dont understand yuri.

Day 14

I've gotten most of the backgrounds almost done. I've got the sprites almost done. Well I don't have the hallway even remotely done because I just sort of forgot it was there. CGs need to be done. I've only got the sketches.

Day 15

ive watched all of adventure time painting these. now i need a new show.

Day 16

Yeah baby parts of the gui are done. Rats are done. That's all I really need right?

Day 17

behold. all my goddam sprites. there's at least fifteen. almost complete bitches.

Day 18

Have you ever seen a prettier textbox? No you haven't.

Day 19

I don't waaaaaaanna paint. I don't wanna do it. I don't wanna have to be like okay what colors should I use here if I fuck up I have to do everything over again. How many times do I have to paint the same thing. I hate painting AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Day 20

My goal was around 10000 words I'm like 9379 so like I'm almost there baby but it will probably be shorter. I might cut some things.

Day 21

8 days left. I have so much to do in eight days.

Day 22

ITS DAY 22

I stopped updating after this because i lost my cunting mind.

[pretendstoread]

first...second...second first

it's funny that every time i think about writing i never really know what to say. i don't remember making this account in 2018, or writing for the first time on here. i've gone back and forth between journaling--where to do it, if it's even helping me--and there's a strong chance that i'll move on from this just like the other journals and modes of expression.

i've just been kinda uninspired. i fear that i wasnt born to be an artist. i dont think i Do enough. i dont really photograph. nothing really inspires me anymore. i'm kinda worried that new york's tap has run dry, but i dont think it's effective to blame the city i live in instead of myself. this has been a problem of mine for years now. why is it so hard to express yourself?!! i feel like i have a lot in me and yet no way to show for it. i dont know if i have a good work life balance. i dont know if thats even the problem? it's just.....so easy to do nothing....? but it doesnt make me happy??? but i keep doing nothign anyway??? maybe THIS is the first step to that. there's a bit of ego in making this. like. diary public. though i dont really think anyone will see it (and i don't care (but i will tag this anyway and maybe check if it gets any notes)). but i dont mean it to be egotistical.

i am a product of post internet use. i grew up expressing myself online. i was on facebook in fifth grade, tumblr in middle school, wattpad/ao3 and stan twitter in high school, art school in college, and back on twitter as a young adult. there has never been a point where i wasn't trying to put myself out there somehow, to be seen and shared and agreed with or admired or congratulated or impressed by. this pressure To Be Seen at 24 feels the most strong. the strongest ever felt. everywhere all the time i see and am told that i have so much time and that 20s are just the beginning. but it doesnt feel that way at all. it LOOMS over me. life shouldnt be Established but it should be.....Impressive? thats the second time i used impressive in this post so thats some subconscious thing going on there. But much of life right now is waking up, going to work, hating work, coming home, sitting on the couch until it's time for bed (which i either fall asleep right there or lazily flop into bed--and consequently miss taking my antianxiety meds), and then i wake up all over again. there's nothing to really show for. i don't feel like an interesting person. i dont feel like i do enough for myself. i guess i have a fear that i will be in this cycle for so long that one day it's 20 years later and nothings reallllllly changed. like. fundamentally.

i cannot think that far ahead. i have no ten year plan, 5 year, one year, 6 months...but i will be a fucking doomer about myself every chance i get. it's, of course, easier to catastrophize in the moment. lower expectations = less chance of disappointment! i think it's also interesting that the only things i really journal about are negative thoughts. wtf is that about. i'm not even necessarily unhappy right now.

things that make me feel Happy:

having enough food in the house that i can make something without having to go out or order in

laying in the sun on the beach after getting bodied by waves

creme soda

when i'm wearing a dress and dont care about my underwear showing (i like to spread! im sitting knees up at my desk right now!!)

catching someone i like looking at me (does it mean anything extra if they're drinking something at the same time....? and they don't break eye contact...?)

customizable internet--the past now....i remember when tumblr was a WEBSITE more than an APP. we must free ourselves from The Profile.

[unironicduncanstan]

lmao do any of yall remember those posts i made a long time ago headcanon-ing td characters with ‘fibromyalgia’ as a projection thing bc thats what my diagnosis has been......... after further inspection it seems very likely that i instead have a genetic connective tissue disorder and have been fully subluxing several of my joints for many years anywhere from 20 to 100+ times a day

[trifoliate-undergrowth]

Pinterest is like Facebook in that I rarely open either of them but when I do I take instant psychic damage (ok I’ll be honest I go through periods of never opening pinterest and periods of spending lots of time on pinterest) but like... I’ve seen this like 3 times lately??? At least the original artist’s original post is credited and linked back to (that’s not a given on pinterest) but people on pinterest are commenting on the pinterest pin asking “can i use this?” ON PINTEREST?? You understand this isn’t the artist’s account right? Use it for what?? Who are you?? And today (and again this is like the third time at least that I’ve seen this laltely!) it got even better bc you got a person asking “can I use this?” on a PINTEREST POST... while the artist’s original post made on twitter is linked to RIGHT THERE.... and then someone who is NOT the artist responds “yeah probably” 

[gwemrys]

I'm a merthur shipper myself (don't shoot me lol), but I don't know why that transition was necessary??? Like when I first saw the post I thought it was appreciation for female characters or something but it escalated to that, and it deadass scared me (I personally hate seeing Arthur like that but I digress kvdkfsksfksfk). I think your comment is valid, like I felt it was comparing these stunning women to Merlin/merthur and that didn't sit right w me,,,,,

god yeah its just the kind of post that rubs me the complete wrong way..... like there was just No need.