#i am not really worried for. myself yk? i have been through some shit online that made me almost insensitive to everything

[swallowtail-ageha]

Us rn:

There is something deeply hilarious about someone clearly cyberstalking you and thinking they're being slick about it by changing and making new accounts and stuff but without actually putting any true effort in making themselves unrecognizable so you immediately clock them

[savnofilter]

i know it's been years since the bnha drama you had to go through in 2020, but i wanted to say that i've thought about really it for years and years and i was on your side for when it happened. i still remain on your side, and i hope you were given proper apologies from yk who and their defenders. you most likely never want to think about it again, but i hope you know that what you did mattered. i think about it really from time to time remembering how the internet was so eager to go against a bunch of teens and how cruel it was really at the time. i know you endured a lot of hate for it, and i hope you're doing better now!

let's be real here, aint nun of them ever apologized to me and never will. it's pretty evident how past the few troll hate asks i got recently, everything is 100% lbh and them and it's not made up cuz apparently mfs think i send hate to myself LOL.

atp idc cuz everyone else ive ever had a problem with that werent part of their circle or used to be, ive actually amended and made up with. but thank you for this, it def doesnt effect me like it did back in the day (idky i aged myself like that). i definitely am better now! mentally, emotionally (i think; im stunted there if we're being quite honest) and overall i love life. i love everything in it like im just chilling... if anything that whole thing made me realize that i was limiting myself being on here 24/7 and straining myself worrying ab shit that didnt need to be worried ab.

so even if i took the L and there are so many fake fuckass niggas on this site (or left) who said they know ab whats happened but still fuck with nonces they can go die like the rest of them. 🖕🏽 it's truly disappointing how cowardly most are to refuse the idea of not supporting someone simply bc they wanna read degenerate bakugo fanfic. i would be lying if i wasnt honest on how hurt i really was when ppl also lied on my name saying i did shit i never did or the fact that no shade no tea, anonie, getting asks like this and then crickets publicly. and to that if there are more recent victims or ppl effected by her and her friends actions you deserve it!!!! lol.

im apathetically bitter but im just glad i can finally talk my shit on my blog LOL. i used to be so scared of talking ab what was really going on, walking on eggshells bc i still wanted to be seen as just funny little Sav who makes borderline crack fics. i am not one to sub a bitch, imma call you out your name but yk who tf im talking ab!! it feels good to be free to speak ab what i want, not feeling pressured to conform to ideologies i dont agree with (proship, dark content, politics etc etc). so tbh im very happy with the outcome. bc at the end of the day i know i spoke nothing but the truth and even with no support i can sleep at night knowing i got no skeletons in my closet. i own to the things i do, i will admit when im wrong and i love to grow as a person. i speak my truth and dont need everyone to agree with it or debate me. 🤷🏽‍♀️

also yall choose your friends wisely. use your intuition. dont ignore that gut feeling and dont fw ppl yk do shitty things. you will get caught up in it, and thats past tumblr cesspool drama advice. it's very tempting to be that bad person. it's tempting to do whatever you want but everything has a consequence.. everything you put out, you receive back.

n ik im not mf saint either bitch ☠️ cuz i made a choice at 14 y.o joining this site, i was either gonna be some wholesome pushover or a bitch. i took the latter, did the time and now ive learned that i dont need to be rude or a bully in order to be assertive. that having respect for yourselves and others doesnt mean to be unnecessarily mean to mfs who DONT deserve it. everything just feels like a life lesson tbvh. im gonna keep arguing with niggas online cuz i eat everyone up even when im outnumbered. 🥴 but to everyone who genuinely deserves an apology from me has received it and likewise. and that's all i can ask for.

tldr; ive learned a lot, that time was very sucky but we up. 🤪���🏽

p.s shoutout to ms gworl @/mci bc she kept me in check and helped me a lot. no bum on this site will ever compare to her at all. oh yeah and i will talk ab the callout any chance i get so neva tell me to let it go!! <3

[survivor-guyana]

Episode 10 - "If the votes aren't Unan1mous, I'm going to die." - Maynor

what the fuck kind of alliance votes out two of my closest allies two rounds in a row, and doesn't even tell me their concerned or trusts me with their opinion.

alyssa and jess. jsyk.

Well, being completely blindsided doesn't feel good. I just want to make sure that I'm safe moving forward, and I'm feeling very upset about how this just went over. I'm so pissed at Jess and Alyssa for not saying anything. And even Aidan. Fucking Aidan said nothing. I need to look at this situation positively, but I honestly don't know what to do right now.

I guess I need to find a way to strike against Jess/Alyssa/Devon because they are the power trio right now... I just hate doing it because I love all three of them, but if I want any chance of winning at all, I kind of need to do that.

I probably need to start by making sure I have Aidan and Dani with me. Chelsea being on the wrong side and talking with me helps, and then I need to solidify my relationship with Jones and Maynor.

Maybe with all of those combined, I have a chance.

So tonight I fucked up harder than I EVER HAVE FUCKED UP IN A GAME BEFORE (and that's saying something). I've been going through a rough patch the last week and have probably gotten a total of 15 hours of sleep since Friday???? When I was on call with Devon/Alyssa I read something out loud Jones sent me and it mentioned the whole alliance with Alyssa/Jones. I'm hoping I fucking mumbled but Alyssa understood me so DEVON KNOWS. I attempted to play it off but I DON'T know. I just don't fucking know. I'm dumb. I feel dumb.

I'm just trying to build trust with people at this point. I feel like my game fell apart fucking HARD this round. I cracked at final 10. FINAL FUCKING 10. I'm not trying to get DOWN on myself but low-key this is probably why I don't win games lmfao.

I told Alyssa about the idol so I'm hoping this is a sign of trust. I don't know how I 1000% feel about telling her but here goes nothing I guess?

I was in a pretty decent position going into this round and then....until I literally set fire to the rain and fucked shit up.

My relationship with TJ took a hit. That's not going to be good in the future. My relationship with Maynor took a hit. That's not going to be good in the future. My relationship with Chelsea is fucked (but did we ever have any type of working relationship, not really). My relationship with Devon probably took a hit because of my own stupidity. My relationship with Alyssa took a hit when I was sipping on dumb bitch juice. My relationship with Jones is still a major question mark? My relationship with JD is as stable as I am currently and that's saying SOMETHING?

THAT'S LITERALLY ALMOST EVERYONE IN THE FUCKING GAME WHO HAS SOME SORT OF ISSUE WITH ME?

Literally the only two people I didn't piss off or give reason to hate me is Dani/Aidan... and that's.... just fucking sad.

I destroyed my game and that's on me.

Time to pick up these pieces somehow and make them FIT.

Here is a Haiku about my game:

My game is a mess. I messed it up real bad. Jumping of a bridge.

okay so,,, I talked to Alyssa and Jess,,,,,,, and I understand,,,,,, like 80% where they're coming from? Jess told me she and Alyssa flipped because they didn't realize TJ and I came to them and said JD said Jess' name?? Jess went to JD and she said that Tim was the one who threw Jess' name out,,,,, and like,, they couldn't take my word for it when I said I trusted Tim, WHICH I UNDERSTAND that they didn't trust tim, but the fact that I told them how i felt and they just didn't listen to me bothers me.

like,, imagine this scenario,, would you take the testimony of someone who's in your alliance (albeit with some ulterior motives, but still in the alliance) and told their alliance (95% of) the truth,,, or someone who is never online and had been stirring up chaos and drama and was spewing shit this entire day just too keep their self safe? just answer that in the comments below thank you xoxo

so now that Alyssa and Jess know what happened on my end, and I know what happened on their end, we're both in agreement that JD has to FUCKING GO!!!! Tim was fucking robbed, i'm so espresso depresso you have no idea i'm so sad that Tim's gone. what a king,,, the creator of Jones' angels,,,,, robbedt,,,,,

we're rebranded as Tim's Angels btw jsyk <3

but ummm this fucking Unan1mous thing???? more like fucking BOOnan1mus amirite ladies hahahahahah ha h hah ah  um,,, hmm that joke sucked i'm so sorry. SO okay yeah,, Alyssa/Jess/TJ/Maynor agreed they'd vote for JD, and that they'd try to get the rest of the numbers to work for JD, BUT the problem is that if ANY ONE PERSON DOESN'T VOTE UNAN1MOUSLY,,,, they're safe. so we gotta get /everyone/ on board with this. hopefully Chelsea won't want to have like,,, revenge against Alyssa/Jess/Devon or anything sksksks

but ummmm let's hope for the best? I gotta get to school at 6:00 am and it's 2:00 am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO it's snoozeville for me. catch you on the flipside :p

I hashed things out with Devon last night because I was so pissed off about the vote, but I still have a lot of trust to rebuild. When i mentioned my name going around, Devon, Alyssa, and Jess knew that my name wasn't out there and still didn't let me in on the Tim vote. I was completely alone and had to make an alliance with the others out of desperation and tbh, i think I look like an idiot. But anyway, i think Devon and i are on good terms and I hope we can rekindle our old team that i was loyal and comfotable with since the beginning.

This might be a long one Johnny. I am so sad that Tim went home. I was shocked. I thought i was able to trust Jess, Alyssa, Devon but they all lied and now to me personally are dead to me. Like im still going to work with them until i have an opporunity to strike against them. Like Alyssa she’s great but now has to leaving sooner than later. Devon final 2 is dead, i would gladly vote you out but have to time it really well. Dani m Aidan dead even more but seems like they are worried about Alyssa Jess and Devon so might use them to take out Alyssa. But yeah last night was rough. I had this ‘thing’ happened to be that was triggered by this game and my class lab. It wasnt good. There was a dark low moment were i got a negative thought that I should just tell them to vote me out for unanimous week. My friend texted me and told me to think it thru and Im glad i didnt day anything. I still want to play and try to make it to the end. Only person i trust 100% with out a doubt is Jonesy. ❤️ Everyone else can leave. Except i also like TJ amd Jess.

I'm not sure where my vote will land tonight. If I vote JD, I lose a shield in this game. At the same time, if JD goes tonight in a 9-1, we start to build trust among those we previously blindsided.

If I make it an 8-2 or 8-1-1, then I'm worried that people will use the process of elimination to find out I flipped....

Another random note about tonight. If JD stays due to me, the next target becomes Chelsea.

Essentially, I am deciding between playing with Chelsea or JD....

Everyone is saying JD’s name like lets do this. But now everyone is afaid of an idol and i swear if the votes aren’t unanimous, im going to die.

If I get idol'd out in this format I AM FUCKING SUING.

I CAN'T GO OUT ON MY FIRST TUMBLR ORG IN A ROUND BASED ON A ZWOOPER GAME.

HOW FUCKING IRONIC WOULD THAT BE?

YOU WILL BE HEARING FROM MY LAWYER!

In all honesty I'm struggling hard this round. Idol's are so dangerous this fucking round. SO FUCKING DANGEROUS.

The mental gymnastics happening this round is insane.

I'm honestly having PTSD about this god damn format. The ONLY time I've ever cried because of a game was IN THIS FORMAT (thanks JOHNNY).

Today all I've done is try and repair relationships. I've worked harder than a hooker on a Tuesday today. I am exhausted. If I go this has been fun-ish.

I feel fuckig awful i worked too hard in this game to potentially get idoled out and that breaks my heart that that could happen tonight. apparently JD is writing down my name because she thinks i'm "Stubborn" and she wants to save me???? like if you wanna save me then like maybe don't vote for me?????? like i get the intent behind it with like,,,, the idea to save me but this is fuckin wit hme to my c ore . .Jess thinks JD's ly ing ad that she's voting for Jess, I just,,, fuck i really wanna die right noww yk i think i might be getting out there's like a 60% chance JD doensn't have an idol, and if she's comfortable enough then she wont play it. but there's a good chance I'll be going home. fukfalkdsfajsdads don't be surprised if i cry i'm just so upsetti/uncomfortable with the idea of going hope i tried too hard but um yeah

Wellp I’m really close with Aidan and so far I feel like we are doing really good. I feel bad because I lied straight to JDs face about voting jonesy. Instead I voted for her.

I'M DEFINITELY NOT CRYING OR ANYTHIGN FUCK

[sophygurl]

Today is hard. 

I mean yea, it’s Father’s Day and I just had my annual lunch with my dad (actually we had 2 this year), so stuff about my complex difficult relationship with him and all the issues I still need to deal with once I get my butt back to therapy is kinda knocking me out.

And I’m also really worried about my one roomie who is having mega-emotional issues which he is self medicating with instead of finding a new psych. to treat him/adjust meds/whatever he needs. 

But it’s also one week away from when I’m going to spend a week and a day with my best friend. Which is hard for reasons I’ve only vague-posted about before. She’s recently given me permission to talk about it publicly though (only in spaces where some folks she hasn’t told yet aren’t around and tumblr counts).

I’m gonna put this under a read more in case stuff about cancer is triggery for anyone reading.

So here goes. In January, my bestest friend in the whole wide world was diagnosed with breast cancer. She had retinal cancer as a baby and her mom died of cancer, so we always knew there was a high chance of her getting it again, but of course knowing that and having it happen are two very different things.

My bestest is one of the closest people in the world to me (right up there with my mom and my ex - the same roomie I mentioned being worried about above). We’ve been besties since high school and been through a whole slew of shit together. She’s been there for me during so many of my own crises in ways that no one else was or could have been. She is the kindest, most generous, most loving and overall most amazing person I know. 

Thankfully, all of her doctors agree that this cancer is curable. I try not to focus on the fact that shit happens and there could be unforeseen complications or she could get another form again later yaddayadda - it’s hard enough dealing with the current reality without letting that other stuff seep in. 

My bestest doesn’t have a ton of local support. Her sister lives a couple hours away and has come in for a lot of appointments (bestest just completed 20 weeks of chemo!!) and to help with certain things, but her sister has 3 kids and a job and can only do so much. 

I, also, live a couple hours away and can’t drive and travel is fucking hard on me so while I managed to sneak a half hour visit in with her on Mother’s Day when my mom was driving us to another town in the area to visit my bro and his family - I’ve been otherwise kind of desperate to see and be there for my friend.

I’ve been talking with her on the phone a lot (I am not a phone person but she is and also my gods have I been needing that connection with her also), and doing lots of looking stuff up online and being a conduit of info to mutual friends and finding resources and whatever else I can think of to do really.

But this coming Friday she is having a double mastectomy and her sister can only stay for a couple of nights. When I started reading up on the surgery and what the recovery would be like and stuff a couple months back, I kind of panicked about who could take care of my bestest. And there were no good answers. So I volunteered. And I’m doing it. But it’s gonna be really hard. I’m pretty disabled myself. But I’m determined to do this because she needs it. 

I have to take a bus there, but fortunately things worked out for me to get a ride home at the end of the trip. I’m so worried about my friend, and I’m anxious about how I’m going to manage, and as I mentioned above I’m having complex issues around my dad, and worried about my roomie, and the people I normally go to with this kinda stuff are: 1) my bestest who I’m not gonna lay any of this on for obvious reasons, and 2) my ex/roomie who is not exactly positioned to be a support to me rn and who I am at any moment either really worried about or really angry at or both, and 3) my mom - who let’s just say has her own shit to deal with rn too and who is turning 70 this summer and is starting to show her age and who I’m also worried about and feeling like I should really be relying on less because I’ve leaned on her my whole life and it’s probably about time for those roles to be reversed yk?

So anyway. I’m having a rough day. And at least I can finally talk about the one big reason things have been hard since January. If you read this - thank you, and yes a “like” will let me you know read and care.