#i am lost without him my beacon my Polaris my silly little goose
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#i finally get the whole 'I've been missing you my whole life' thing now#he's been gone for like...3 days now#and I've gotten a little better but not by much#his not being here is like a physical presence in my body#and god it feels so familiar#i haven't been so depressed in months and that scares me#because that means codependency except he's doing fine so it's not really co#but being here alone. without him. it's like a knife on my heart#i ache and I'm nauseous and I'm so tired and every moment I'm just. missing him#i miss him. i miss him I miss him I miss him I miss him#my heart my love my Sun my moon my stars#i am lost without him my beacon my Polaris my silly little goose#i laid in his bed today and nearly cried. remembering so vividly the way his shoulders and chest and collarbones and long neck felt#i feel like a cave creature thrust back into the darkness after months of sunlight and wildflowers. i hate this damn cave#shut up ian
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