#i am like 99% sure i'm cis which ik saying that makes it look like i'm actually not

[concerto-roblox]

honestly i cannot explain the gender feelings i get sometimes. like i see a picture of a man and i think "god i wanna be him" or "god that's so me" but not like. i don't want to look exactly like him or be percieved as a man at all (like not even in a butch or gnc way i skew pretty femme most of the time)... but it's like if i was that man but also a woman that would be epic... or if that man was a woman he would be so me but also if he was still a man?? what is gender.

[trans-advice]

heyyy! sorry, i just wanted to ask... my friend from school has said that they 'want to be trans' (as in saying that they are trans, but strange wording), and saying that they are a boy. now, i'm trans myself, and this may come off as transphobic without the background, but this kid is a bit... weird? ik this sounds really mean but they are a pretty big attention seeker and a bit of a bully sometimes. so with the shit i know they've done, and knowing that they're most likely doing it for attention... what do you think i should do? should i call them by he/him pronouns even tho i am 99% sure they're saying it for attention, or should i call them she/her so if they realise they can't keep up the lie they'll feel like nothing is wrong (and also because i'm pretty sure they're lying), or they/them in case they're legitimately questioning? i don't want to make them feel like shit if they actuals are trans but i'm sure they're actually cis!!! sorry for the long ask :)

just treat them like they're trans!

centering you:

purity tests for accomodations, whether trans, disabled, poor, or non-white, always end horribly!!! like, all it does it get everyone pushed out. you would be setting up a precedent for transphobes to misgender you, even if you actually don't misgender them.

if you had to make a transphobic institution (and the cultures they set up through policy decisions such as bathrooms for only boys & girls in order to set up gender policing, and having neutral nurse's office toilets be only 1 size), actually support trans people, but you also gave those institutions & their cultures the power to define who's "trans enough", then those insitutions are going to erase y'all as much as possible so they don't have to change or have their power threatened. hostile institutions will deadbeat on reparations as much as possible.

you'd be screwing yourself & the trans people who come after you if you start purity testing respect for pronouns.

centering them:

firstly pronouns are part of gender expression & gender expression is separate from gender identity. even if they're cis, they might still like he/him pronouns. even if they're cis they might still be gender non-conforming.

if they want you to treat them like they're cis, then they'll tell you soon enough. if they end up being trans then you didn't hurt them. they're probably going to have enough transphobes bullying them & pushing them out anyways. they're at a point in their life where they think transitioning will help them. whether it's some undercover thing or some being honest thing is up to them. their body their choice.

just because you share a demographic with them doesn't mean you'll get along with them. likewise just because you don't get along with them doesn't mean they're not the same demographic as you. you don't have to be friends with everybody, and you don't have to be rude either.

centering me:

i'm saying this as someone who survived 15 years of the school to prison pipeline. those pipelines target: the tgnciq+ (trans/gender-nonconforming/intersex/queer), the students of color, poor students, and disabled students. when i wanted to be out at school but wanted some shred of privacy i basically juggled all the letters at once. i didn't trust the adults at all. like if i had some attention seeking i was trying to balance my disabilities & my dysphoria. i was kind of a mess. by the way, my experience was before 2014, and i still find institutions are trepidatious with me. (however, some institutions try to scapegoat my critiques of them as coming from me, a trans person, or from me, as disabled person, which is an interesting threat of its own. in my case, i worry about forced hospitalization, because of my disabilities. but whatever, not all trans people have disabilities.)

other thoughts:

I don't know, if they already know how drag performance is a separate context from being trans, but in your words, they're your friend then maybe looking at "rupaul's drag race" or "drag s.o.s." would be helpful. It might help establish the difference & still give them a good outlet, but remember that trans people can do drag performance as well. I don't know your relationship & I don't know either of you. It's your decision at the end of the day.

Good Luck, Peace & Love,

Eve