#i am learning to do digital watercolors bc ive always wanted to but i just never Got it

[rockafirevevo]

the rabbit has some doubts.

[lestatdesade]

I've been trying not to take adderall bc its been fucking up my skin big time but when I take it I feel so. much. better. It doesnt entirely remove the fatigue but it does mitigate the brain fog and lets me avctually think about things. Also yesterday I was like "wow i've been so unproductive" but actually I plowed through my entire list minus a couple drawings that I cant do bc I ran out of decent paper to draw on. Like I work 5 days on, then 5 days off, but the museam is closed on certain days that are low traffic or have privately done tours. So its a bit weird. But yeah yrsterday I scanned ALMOST ALL THE FILM IVE BEEN PROCRASTINATING ON, I just have one more roll to scan left!!! Then I can justify sending out some more rolls that I have to be developed. Oh, and I got a 45 year old sx70 camera from a flea market thats in super good condition and the 2 pics I took look great but I havent had the chance to take it somewhere nice to use it. It kind of needs full daylight to work and it's been raining or too hot for me to go outside at all. It's such a nicely built camera. I said that I wouldnt get one bc it requires different film than my other polaroid cameras but it's really nice, heavy leather and metal build. and it folds up to be super compact??? It's so, so nice and I'm forever salty that modern tech devices just don't have thje same quality. Everything these days is built to be shitty and have no life. This camera is older than me, and tbh, it'll probably outlive me and still function well. but with the huge advances that we've made technologically, none of my current electronics will ever hope to outlive my 70s camera. I don't think its a lack of ability for companies to construct quality goods, bc manufactuering in a digital age of laser tech thats very uniform and not human made is easier, but they PURPOSEFULLY skimp on quality to sell more. to me, thats just the fuckin epitome of stupid. Like hey, we have such incredible technological knowledge, but lets fuckin ignore it so we can make more money from having phones and computers that are pretty much disposable in usage bc they have such a short lifespan. idk it just bothers me, but as a lead on, I've been working super hard on learning new art skills. I've been working a great deal w/ watercolors and I am dabbling in using UV resin. when i visisted my grandma for her birthday, I asked if I could pick one of her beloved pansy flowers. So I picked it, pressed it and encased it in resin to make a pendant. I think she's really going to love it. She makes great pressed flower art, so i fee like its a collab between us, though I don't have nearly as much experience. She gave me a pressed flower arrangement she did and framed it for me for christmas and everytime i see it I m just filled with this kind of overwhelming happiness that she made it for me. I always feel very bleak about my life expectancy since my dad died before he hit 50, and my mother is in her midsixties and I doubt if she'll make it to 70. But my grandma is like, in her 90s and walks without assistance, climbs stairs, routinely spends time with friends, and is probably more mentally sharp than I am. So I'm hoping my parents bS will skip a generation and I'll get my grandmas health. I'm not really afraid to die, but I think looking at how my parents lack of longevity doesnt really make me feel positive about the fact that I'm inching closer and closer to 30 and that I'm sure that all the psychiatric meds I've taken, and all this stress and fatigue have greatly shortened my life span. But I'm trying to keep positive and realize that much of my goals in life that have been long term were made out of internalizing toxic ideas and psychological manipulation and gaslighting. I know that deep down, most of the ideas that I have formed around even the most basic concepts of life, death and selfqworth are tainted by the abuse I went through as a kid. But I'm reearning a lot of it and really thinking about things in a way that is detached from my own experiences, and trying to reposition my perspectives. I think the idea that anyone can unlearn the hatred they are taught and that even some really "defined:" beliefs we have are more or less conditioning has really hanged the way I feel about myself. I'm less concerned about my own mortality, my legacy, and the thoughts of others. I just want to enjoy this experience of being alive, and anything more was really a lie and a delusion that I was tricked into thinking. I used to belive that if I didn't EXCEED EXPECTATIONS and make a mastery of myself then that would prove my abusers right, and confirm the idea that I am worthless as truth. But I have learned that basing peoples worth off of their success is stupid, and I can't change the illness that has destroyed all my hopes and dreams. And also that well, I don't NEED to have these crazy, unattainable goals and pipedreams to make myself feel like I deserve to live. I deserve to live, exactly as I am, even if I am a nuerotic loser who lives with my mom despite being nearly 30 and having a job. I domt have to be some fucking legend to show people that I didn't need to kill myself. I never should have felt as though that was an obligation to begin with. I exist because I do, and I don't hurt others or act recklessly in a way that endangers other people. I don't hoard resources so that others cant use them. I'm just a nuetral being, thats akll