#i am inwvitably losing control

[edgybutnotveryedgy]

You know, as much as it sucks that i have had generalised anxiety disorder + adhd + most likely asd (etc) as long as i can remember, something I've realised as I've gotten older is that it's all multigenerational on both sides of my family.

So on one hand i clearly won the genetic lottery, but on a more wholesome note, I've been able to realize that it's okay to be this way. If my ancestors could do it then maybe i can too?

More specifically regarding generalized anxiety, it sucks that me, my mom, my sister, and my grandma have all had to deal with it. But something that I've noticed is that by all of us having that shared experience, we've been able to help each other. Like my grandma passed a long time ago, but she was able to help my mom, who in turn has helped me and my sister.

One thing that she always would tell my mom, and my mom would later tell me was "it all works out, one way or another." Honestly this phrase has so much meaning to me. Like it doesn't put up a false illusion that one day I'll be "happy" and everything will be okay. I know that's not how life works. I'll probably never be "happy", but in the end it will all work out. Probably not how I'd like it to work out, but it will and it does.

Not only have i had advice from families who've dealt with the same problems though (but good and bad advice), but as I've been figuring stuff out I've been able to help my family to.

I remember during 2020 and my moms anxiety was the worst I'd ever seen. It was both frustrating and heartbreaking. Sometimes she'd yell at me or I'd yell at her or both, and it was a lot to deal with, but I also remember talking to her and having heart to hearts with her. We discussed the anxiety that we both had.

She had years ago taken antidepressants/anxiety medication, but because of the negative effects it had on her, she opted out of taking them. I had by then been taking medication for my anxiety for a few years, and it had been a huge help for me. So i suggested she talk to her doctor about taking medication. We were able to talk about the benefits, and downsides, as well as her concerns with starting that kind of medication.

In the end she did go talk to her doctor and was able to get a prescription, and i could see it make a change in her life like it had mine. I feel like this experience also helped us become closer.

I guess in general, as nice as it would be to not have to deal with anxiety related problems, I'm kinda glad that i have them? I guess im more grateful for the way it has helped me, and helped me build my relationships. Inevitably it still does more harm than good, but if I didn't have it, then i don't think I'd be who i am today.

I don't know, but then again does anyone?