#i am im a state of mind numbing anxiety over fixing my car again

[catfishofoldin99colours]

Look at the sawsbuck I finally had enough candies to evolve from a deerling (this is to distract from the nightmare I am in of trying to get my car fixed AGAIN)

[muffled-screaming-inside-blog]

I am Not doing Well

It’s 3 am and I’ve been on tumblr for a few hours bc its made me smile. Havent been on in a while.at first i thought oh i should get on here more but its like its all the same. everything i do is just a bried distraction. I have been depressed for a while. Ive had depression for over half a decade, but the last couple months have gotten bad. every time i start getting to where im getting my footing back something happens. the tuesday before thankgiving was the second time i seriously thought about killing myself. what saved my life is i was too drunk to move. hahaha classic me.What got me to that point is having someone who i thought loved me and cared about me callously hurt me for the final time. I cant even trust when someone says they love me anymore. before the last bloke, that person eventually admitted they never loved me and only was with me bc they were scared and lonely. I’m endlessly self destructive and self sabotaging and idk how much I can take it anymore. I’m gradyually changing parts of my life to try and feel happy again, but its like im always on the aegde of suicidal depression. on almost a daily basis i have that thought of i just want to be dead. I’m scared. I know my brain, and I know if my mental state is in the red too long or too deep ill do it. I lost my dream job as a writer, over giving them too many emails to contact me with by accident. all my plans just about hinged on me getting that job. I thought I had it for a month. I put so much time and effort and mental stress into it and right before I had it, right before i got the introductory emails i fucked it up. I fucked up my car too, ran it too hot and  and its costing me 770 to fix the head gasket and i have no transpot. I feel like im slowly poisoning my relationship. I’m way too clingy.he lives over an hour away and our dates were sparse when he first said he loved me and i coudlnt believe it then and now we see more of each other im afraifd hell figure out im a worthless asshole. i spoend every day with me and i fucking hate myself. im supposed to be a writer, thats what i want to do with my life but im not fucking writing.  i feel so useless. And my drinkings getting worse. I just want to be numb all the time. I cant even go a day without a drink. and ive started being more reckless with my drug use, doing opiates while drinking. I know it could kill me adn part of me is disappointed it didnt. im always sad, always tired, i feel like a burden and i dont want to talk to my boyfriend about all tis because hes got his own shit going on and i dont want to make his day worse by worrying him and i dont want to freak my best firend  out bc i know she doesnt deal with this shit well. i keep telling myself im going to make it through this year if it kills me, i keep listening to that song but idk if i will. i havent done enough or said enough to die yet, but it feels like i wouldnt have anything to say anyway. im a college drop oyt. I couldnt take the pressure of two jobs and college. I had a full scholarship, the best in the state. what the fuck is wrong with me im such an idiot. i chose keeping two min wage jobs i hate over an education. and that opportunity is over i alwreadty fucked that up  beyond repair.  i did it bc my family is bankrupt and im terrified of being broke. im scared of being limited. its a freedom thing, i have to express my agency or i feel trapped and i cant live like that. but i fucked up and backed myself into a corner. now i actually am trapped without any prospects. i couldve easily gotten my english degree and became a writer from there, or done just college and wrote during, but now im fucked im fucked im fucked im always tired, too tired to try and write or try and find a way to make money writing. i feel hopeless and i all i want to do sometimes is give up.  i really do with i could just give up and be dne with all of this. not just the circumstances but my fucking brain. the mood swings the depression the anxiety, how easily tipped off i am. ive been planning to move far away, states maybe even countries but the terrifying truth is that no matter where i go or what ill do ill still be me, ill still have to deal with me, and im a useless, drunken, depressed wreck of a person, i just want to sleep drink smoke whatever to numb myself and escape my waking like. I hate working like i do but im out of options, i fucked myself over. i almost forgot, on top of my mind being broke my body is bad as well, im in costant pain, i have bad knees which no doctor can explain, i have bad joints in general and im weak af. whatever. i just had to get that off my chest. thanks for listening i guess