#i am gonna stand outside of my house with the lesbian colors painted on my forehead

[vampiiiyr]

guys please submit ur girlfriend applications to me it’s getting rough without a wife ☹️

[gvbejvmes]

Drabble: Gabe & Nattie go to Art School

Warnings: PG-13 Relationships: Gabe/Johnny, Gabe/Jillynn, Gabe/Nancy, Gabe&Georgie Characters: Gabe, Natalie, Bella, Johnny, Jillynn (mentioned), Nancy (mentioned), Georgie (mentioned)

Gabe had done some weird things in his life, but he definitely had to say that pushing a stroller through an art trade show on his way to teach a master class was definitely up there. Not only was it surreal, but the fact that there was a six year old perched on a skateboard looking thing attached near the handles definitely made things interesting. This wasn’t Bella’s first time having to sit through an art show. Most days she was attached to his hip. This was, however, Natalie’s first art show.

“Uncle Gabe, are you famous?” She asked as she looked around at all the booths as they were escorted across the main floor.

“Sort of.” He said with a small shrug, not looking down at his soon-to-be step-daughter and instead scanning the area so he doesn’t mow anyone down. 

Natalie nodded for a moment. “‘Cause Delia’s on TV?”

He blinked. “No.” He said, not liking where this was going.

“‘Cause you used to be married to someone who’s on the news a lot?” 

“No!” He said, now feeling offended. “I’m good at art. So people who like art, and want to be good at art, too, know who I am and I’m famous to them.”

She nodded as they came to a stop in front of a huge vertical banner outside of a ballroom. Gabriel James: Using Alternative Materials in Painting. Underneath it was a painting of a woman’s back made entirely out of liquefied glass. “Uncle Gabe.” Natalie breathed out, bending so she could look up at him. “Did you make that?” She asked staring at the screen-printed rendition of his art.

Gabe couldn’t help but snort. “Don’t sound so surprised, little girl. I am capable of doing things other than just coloring with you.” He said before ruffling her hair affectionately.

“Mr. James?” One of the volunteers greeted them. “I’ve been assigned to help you and your little helpers get set up before the master class begins.” They were lead into the ballroom where half of it looked set up for a seminar, and  the other half looked like an Art 101 classroom. 

As soon as they were inside, Natalie took off running towards an area off to the side of the stage where a couple of his new pieces were waiting. They were going to be shown off here before they hit the gallery showing next week. “Same rules apply here as in my studio at home. Don’t touch anything unless I say you can.” He called out before parking the stroller next to the stage. He glanced inside to check that Bella was still asleep. 

“Your kids are adorable.” The volunteer said before pulling out a folder with his and the girls’ badges and the schedule.

He laughed. “My kids are all full-grown: 27, 25, and almost 23. The sleeping one is my granddaughter. The one running around is my future step-daughter. And my cousin; don’t ask. But I’ll tell their moms that you said so.” He said with a warm smile before pinning his all access badge on and then pinning on Bella’s to her sleeping form.

“Nat, come here.” He called out, waving the badge. “You need a badge to go with the bracelet they gave us when we came in.” 

As he pinned the badge to her, the volunteer started talking. “We followed the plans you sent over for the display of your new pieces, but we don’t think we assembled the installation piece correctly, and wanted you to look at it before it’s displayed. After the seminar and the class they will be moved out into the instructors’ gallery. We also got a couple of your older pieces on loan from the collectors - Aphrodite, Ares, and Narcissus. And of course we received Apollo & Artemis when your newer pieces came. These will also be moved to the gallery after the seminar and will remain on display throughout the show.” Suddenly another person popped into the room, and the volunteer shot Gabe an apologetic look. “I’ll be right back. Can you check on the placement of your pieces?”

Once Gabe was alone with the kids, he took Natalie by the hand. “Come on. I’ll show you things I made.” He said leading her over to an area of the ballroom he hadn’t noticed before. The four paintings the assistant had talked about were in a row, perched on easels with a grumpy looking man  standing near by, obviously the supposed security guard of some kind. 

They stopped in front of Narcissus, which was the painting from the banner. It was a naked woman seen only from behind stepping into a pool of water. It was liquefied glass poured and painted onto wood. “Was that a real person?” Natalie asked as she stared up at the painting.

“It’s DJ and CJ’s mom.” Gabe affirmed before moving her to stand in front of Ares. 

This one was only a couple of years old, and wasn’t on display in someone’s collection so much as it was purchased because someone didn’t want a picture of their ass hanging in a stranger’s living room. It was dyed ash painted onto an acid washed canvas. A man was stepping into flames, and like Narcissus, it was a nude body from behind. He didn’t necessarily want this one here, but it was part of the set. The only painting missing was Zeus & Hera, but that had been an issue with the collector not wanting it on display. 

“That’s a boy butt.” Natalie said before bursting into giggles. “Is that Uncle Johnny?” She asked in a whisper. 

Gabe groaned. Between Natalie and Bella, he swore to God. “Mr. Johnny. That man is not your uncle any more. He’s Mr. Johnny now.” He corrected, sounding a little annoyed that all the little kids in his life were traitors. “And yes, but he doesn’t like people knowing that.” 

He then moved Natalie to stand in front of Aphrodite. This one was slightly different. It’d been painted out of different shades of lipstick on top of a faded out mirror. It was still was from behind, but the woman had been painted so her face wasn’t seen, but the swell of one of her breasts was. She was stepping onto the petal of a flower.

“Is that my mom?” Natalie asked in awe. “How mad at you is she that someone has her butt and booby in their house?” She asked with a slight giggle.

Gabe rolled his eyes. “This one is actually at the Museum of the Goddess. It’s a small, liberal, hippy museum. It’s mostly Wiccans and lesbians checking her out.” He said with a shrug.

When Gabe didn’t walk her to stand in front of the last one, she walked herself over to stand in front of Apollo & Artemis. This one was two people merged together like the original Greek interpretation of soulmates. The male half had been painted out of a rainbow of different crayons melted down. The female half was painted out of different shades of blue crayons. They were stepping into the woods, and their faces were turned so you could see the outlines of their faces as the looked at each other.

“Is that you and Aunt G?” Natalie asked him, sounding awed. It looked like she wanted to touch it, and because it was the only one of the four that he hadn’t had it in him to sell, he nodded in approval. Natalie’s fingertips gently traced over his and Georgie’s forms. “How come you look more like aliens than people? And you don’t have any tattoos. The one of Uncle Johnny’s butt has a tattoo.”

Gabe pinched the bridge of his nose. Jill was going to murder him if Natalie kept calling Johnny ‘Uncle Johnny.’ Sighing, he wrapped an arm around her shoulders and let her over to the installation piece to see what was going with it. “Little girl, you gotta stop calling that man your uncle.”

Later

There was the buzz of art students outside of the ballroom and all the pieces had been checked and double-checked. The make-shift studio was set-up to his specifications, and Natalie was dressed in a little smock so she wouldn’t come home covered in melted candle wax when she ‘helped’ with his class after the seminar. It wasn’t until Gabe and the girls were ushered into a makeshift greenroom made out of room dividers next to the stage that Bella woke up from her nap and wouldn’t stop crying.

“Bella, I gotta put you down, okay? We brought your playpen. You can watch Grandpa from the stage, but I’m gonna need to put you down.” He tried to reason with the toddler.

“Nooooooo” She whined, burying her face into the crook of his neck. “Grandpa can’t go. I need you. I have to potty.” 

Gabe sighed, and it was then that the volunteer appeared. “I can take her if you’d like, Mr. James. We have a tight schedule to keep.” She told him, looking frazzled.

He ran his free hand over his mouth before shaking his head. “I’ll take her. She won’t go with you. Stall or something. I’ll be right back.” He looked at Natalie. “Come on, Nat. I can’t leave you alone.”

The little girl shook her head. “I wanna stay with your paintings. Miss-” She looked at the volunteer’s name badge. “Bonnie will keep an eye on me. It’s just five minutes.” 

Sighing, he knew he’d lost this one. “Fine. Stay with Bonnie the whole time, okay?”

“I won’t go anywhere other than the stage.”

Something about that comment should have concerned him, but it didn’t.

Ten Minutes Later

As Gabe walked back into the the ballroom, it sounded like someone else had started the master class. What? Raising an eyebrow, he placed Bella into her playpen with her headphones and her iPad before giving Bonnie a very confused look. “Where’s Natalie?” He asked very slowly, already having a feeling he knew exactly where she was.

“She decided to start the workshop for you. She’s the cutest!” 

Raising an eyebrow, he stepped out of the greenroom and onto the stage where he could see Natalie. She was sitting on what he assumed was his stool, a microphone in her hand while the audience ate out of the palm of her hand. “Gabe says it doesn’t matter if other people think your art is pretty. If you think your art is pretty that’s enough. Or if it’s supposed to be ugly, then rock that shit.”

Gabe ran a hand over his mouth as the audience laughed. Natalie was quoting her verbatim. Oh, Jill was going to murder him for sure. 

“It’s not important what other people think of your art - as long as you think it’s fucking awesome.”

There was another loud laugh, and that was when Gabe decided it was his time to take the stage. Lord only knew what was going to come out of Natalie’s mouth next. He took the microphone from one of the volunteers and quietly walked onto the stage, a finger to his lips so the audience wouldn’t give away that he was walking across the stage.

“And you gotta be true to yourself and not care about the haters ‘cause they suck anyway.”

Gabe almost laughed, but he waited until he was standing right behind Natalie before he brought the microphone up to his mouth. “But the most important thing is to chase your truth no matter how weird it might be.”

Natalie all about jumped out of her skin. She spun around and looked at Gabe with a sheepish smile. “Hi, Gabe!” She greeted and there was a cheer.

“Can we make some noise for my almost step-daughter?” He asked the crowd of artists appeased him with a series of cheers and clapping. The little girl all but scrambled off the stool, but Gabe stopped her with a hand on her shoulder. “Where do you think you’re going? Can we get another stool up here?” 

As a stool was brought out two things happened at once. The door opened and a latecomer walked into the ballroom. And Bella somehow managed to get out of her playpen and was wandering down one of the aisles. Jesus Christ, this day was one thing right after another. Before he could even react, Bella suddenly screamed out: “MR. JAY! GRANDPA JAAAAAAAAAAY!” And of course she then launched herself at the person who had just come into the ballroom. He barely had time to catch the confused and startled look on Johnny’s face before Bella was suddenly in his arms. 

“Don’t worry. That wild child also belongs to me.” He allowed himself to shoot a lopsided grin in Johnny’s direction before tacking on: “And that’s actually her other Grandpa. More or less.” 

He took the stool from the volunteer, and settled down next to Natalie. In the distance he could see Bella tugging Johnny to where she wanted to sit, but he tried to focus on what was left of his master class time and not on everything going on around him. “Now, I want to be vain and assume everyone here is familiar with my work and my style, but just in case you have no idea who I am and just wanted to learn something new today, I’m going to have Nattie here tell you about each of the paintings that I brought with me today.” 

The projector behind them suddenly turned on, and Gabe nodded at Natalie to turn on the stool so she could see what was behind them. When the first painting came into focus, she giggled. “This one is called Narcissy-” “Narcissus” “And is of Aunt Satan, but that’s not really her name. That’s just what Gabe and CJ and DJ call her. Gabe poured glass onto wood and he had to be super careful ‘cause it was hot and ‘cause glass cools like really really fast and he wasn’t as good at art then and he has a scar on his hand now ‘cause it got too hot.”

There was laughter, and Gabe nodded for the next slide to appear. “What’s this one about?” He asked, and honestly this was easier than all the focus being on him.

“This one is called Aphrodite ‘cause that’s the goddess of love and being pretty, and Gabe thinks my mommy is the prettiest girl in the whole wide world. And that’s my mommy by the way. And I don’t know why he used lipstick other than ‘cause he was thinking about kissing her a lot. And her booby is out because he likes her boobies.”

There was more laughter, and Gabe couldn’t help but hide his face in his hands. He wasn’t sure if he was never bringing her to another one of these again or if he was going to bring her to all of them. The artists all seemed to love her. “I’m afraid to have her describe the next one.” He said as he nodded for the next painting to be shown.

Natalie giggled at the next painting. “That’s a boy butt. It’s Uncle Johnny’s butt. Hi, Uncle Johnny!!!” She waved into the audience, and Gabe did not hide his laugh at the look on Johnny’s face or how Bella waved back for him. “But it’s made out of ash that Gabe died different colors and I think Gabe chose ash ‘cause he and Uncle Johnny fought a lot a lot when they were married. And Uncle Gabe said Ares is the God of War and that’s why he named it that. I just think he wanted an excuse to draw Uncle Johnny’s butt. He really liked Uncle Johnny’s butt. I heard him tell Daddy once that Uncle Johnny has the most fuck-”

Gabe all but slapped his hand over Natalie’s mouth. “Now that’s enough of that.” The laughter was so loud that Gabe didn’t think he was going to be able to get control of the audience again. “Put up the next one.” He said, sounding flustered. 

His hand was pushed away and Natalie stared up at the next painting dreamily. “This one is my favorite. It’s named after twins with weird names.” She said. “Aunt G was Gabe’s favorite person in the whole wide world, and she died before I got to meet her. He loved her more than anyone else in the world. They were best friends, and he used crayons ‘cause they used to color together and she always told him that he should be himself. This one is his favorite, too.”

Suddenly feeling a lump in his throat, he reached out and placed a kiss on the top of Natalie’s head. “Thanks, little girl. Can we get another round of applause for Nattie and her mostly accurate descriptions of my paintings?” There was clapping and cheering. “Go ahead and have a seat with Bella and Uncle Johnny.” He realized what he said and winced, but it was too late. Rolling his eyes, he pushed Natalie off to sit down with Bella. “And, Nattie, leave the mic.”

There was laughter again, and Gabe addressed the audience again. “Alright, now let’s talk about how to paint with things other than paint.”

[caladblog]

okay here we go

if i had to succinctly* describe what i like about Archive 81, i’d say two things:

*lmao

1) eldritch! but, y’know, if the Fathomless Horror wasn’t rooted directly in violent hatred of everyone who’s not a WASP.

2) so you think it’s not possible to portray quality gore and body horror in a strictly audio format? hey. hey. buddy. guess what. feast yr ears

this podcast has, hands down, the absolute best sound design of anything i’ve ever heard.

my warnings for the show come from those two points. reality gets bent, minds get fucked, terrible things happen to (mostly) undeserving people and you get to hear every bit of it in stereo. if that’s not a good time for you, you might have to skip over this one. (i can give more specific warnings to anyone who asks!)

okay now on to the actual review! as usual, it’s fucking long as hell, and there’s only light spoilers under the cut.

i’m gonna start off by elaborating on point #2 because it is my favoritest thing ever oh my god. the only thing that sort of comes close to the quality of its immersion is Lif-e.af/ter, which, aside from being a fucking pain in the ass to type out and impossible to search for, isn’t trying to portray anything half so ambitious as a dude’s spine being ripped from his body in order to house an otherworldly messenger and fuel a lesbian’s apotheosis. i mean to be fair i never finished watching L-i.give/up, but it’s mostly just like some guy in an office. idk man. reach for the stars & keep going til you land in the abyss.

immersion. i want to repeat that. i had no idea how good a podcast’s acting and sound design could be until i clicked on Archive 81 at random. it is honestly amazing and ridiculous and amazing how immersive this is. even the ads are done in character my god take some fuckin notes, TBT

will i ever stop throwing shade at TBT? details at eleven.

and then there’s the body horror. delicious, delicious body horror. where do you even find that many different meaty crunching noises? i thought it was good in the first season but then the second season took it up about fifty notches right away and it’s just sooooo. (◡‿◡)

...what was i talking about? anyway. elaboration on point #1.

i really like this stuff, y’know? mindfucks, and creases in the fabric of spacetime, and unreality, and how characters then have to fumble around in a frantic attempt to figure out the logic of the situation, if there even is a logic, and it is just

so

fucking

impossible

to find a story about all of this that doesn’t either ignore people like me or treat us with outright contempt. and i try but it is so tiring to interact with things made by people who find it easier and more rewarding to write about non-Euclidean geometry than queers.

which is why, when i do find a story like this that acknowledges and includes me, i have to actively restrain myself from going door to door** all like hello friend have you heard the creepy word :) :)

**i totally would, but i live in the deep south. i’d get my tires slashed in the name of the Lord.

i am a jehovah’s witness of weird shit and by clicking on this post you have made the ultimate mistake of answering your door, and now i won’t stop telling you about gay-ass unknowable beings even though you’ve already promised me like eight fucking times that you will be at snake church*** next wednesday. you will not be at snake church. we both know this, and that is why i am still talking.

***this is in fact an actual thing. there’s one just off a highway around here, its sign is written in black sharpie and tacked to a telephone pole. bless

i mean, did you see that bit about a lesbian’s apotheosis up there??? MY GOD i wish i didn’t have a self-imposed spoiler policy because these were some of my favorite scenes! actually, you know what, i’m gently breaking the spoiler policy to tell you that they get to be happy. they get to be happy AND TOGETHER!! for a crash course in why this is significant i would like to direct you to autostraddle’s ongoing list of 181+ dead canonically wlw characters, just pulling from television, not even including movies or books or anything else. (for obvious reasons that link contains huge spoilers, and for equally obvious reasons it’s fucking depressing.)

and, to be frank, if the phrase “lesbian apotheosis” doesn’t sell you on this podcast i don’t know what the hell you’re doing on this blog. the main character is a cis dude, but queer people and women also exist in a major way, and they’re allowed to have their own unique and complete personalities outside of Delicate Victim, or Vile Corrupter Of All That Is Good And Human, or Either Of The Above But Sexy(TM) This Time.

it’s stupid as fuck that this is notable, but hey that’s the state of the genre.

speaking of the state of the genre, Archive 81 also stands out for being fucking funny at parts. i for real have not yet gotten over that time they lampshaded The Black Tapes (Stamp Dot Com. For when you only need one stamp.) or basically every thing ever said by cynthia or that one conversation with clara you know the one.

[pictured above: the entire fandom after s2e5]

so much of the genre--horror, sf/f horror in specific, lovecraftian horror in even more specific--takes itself so god damn seriously. everything must be an unrelenting cavalcade of madness and misery. if there is a joke, it’s only there to be juxtaposed against the naked agony of everything else. and that’s just not realistic? in a human reaction way, i mean. no matter what sort of incomprehensible hellscape you’re trapped in, people are always going to be sarcastic little shits to each other.

and the fact that i was laughing at dan’s hipster-ass ~oh, so we’re archiving MFA projects now, great~ comment two minutes ago doesn’t mean i can’t feel a bit of trepidation at lou’s attitude now, or interest in what lies beyond the river, or fear for how it’s all going to be fucked up and awful. there’s a whole spectrum of emotion beyond ‘cynicism’ and ‘terror’, horror writers! paint with all the colors of the goddamn wind, please!!

ugh.

anyway, so season 1 was really good, and then season 2 took a HARD left turn that was a bit jarring at first, but in doing this it tremendously expanded the world and the cast, and i’m glad i hung on for the rest of the ride because there are so many amazing questions now. i wrote out a whole list of them and then deleted it because it super violated my spoiler policy! just trust me that they give you enough information for you to keep up, but if you sit down for a second you start to wonder about one thing which leads you to another two things and then you realize you don’t know the whole deal about this fourth thing either and before you know it you’re lost down a rabbit hole of just what the fuck has happened here! and is happening here! and could/might/will happen here! not necessarily in that order! time is weird, okay, be cool

jesus h. fuck, this is over a thousand words long so i will speak only in pairs for the rest of the review. QUICK RECAP: excellent sound, corporate exploitation, dreaming Things, important stories, musical leviathans, go listen.