#i am going with part 7 because that's when the dream-hopping starts in earnest

[egophiliac]

what do you think malleus has been doing this entire time during his long absence

honestly it's kinda...mushy...how much time has actually passed in-universe, since all the dreams seem to run differently and we've been popping in and out all over the place. so I think chances are it hasn't been that long for him, and he's still getting the run-around from Lilia!

(just let Malleus destroy everything in order to trap you in an eternal dreamworld like a normal person, gosh)

[racingtoaredlight]

RTARL’s NFL Week 7 Extravapalooza

I know this is a football post, but the World Series looks like it’s gonna be great. Verlander, Cole, and Greinke vs. Scherzer, Strasburg, and Corbin is RAD. Especially now that MLB has decided to switch back to the non-juiced baseballs. Nothing says “we care deeply about the integrity of competition” quite like drastically fucking with the league’s official equipment when the games matter most!

The Stros and Nats are very evenly matched in my opinion, but I think I’m gonna take Washington to win based on nothing more than pure bullshit and approximately 25 seconds of thought. Nationals in 6, baby! TAKE IT TO THE BANK!

[looks at my record of picking things]

Congrats to the Houston Astros and their fans!

My picks are in BOLD, and all betting info comes to you courtesy of Vegas Insider.

Last Week’s Record: 6-7

Season Record: 35-49-1

Arizona Cardinals at New York Giants (-3)

Ooh, this is a spicy little meatball of a game. Neither of these teams are what I’d call “good,” nevertheless this one rates very highly on the “Watch ‘Em Up Index” patented by my colleague Starkweather. 

The combination of the “West Coast team travelling East to play an early game” scenario and the triumphant return of Saquon Barkley led me to choose New York to prevail in a shootout. 

Houston Texans at Indianapolis Colts (-1)

Another good game! The Colts deserve all the credit in the world for not going completely into the tank after Andrew Luck decided to call it a career weeks before the season started. They’re legitimately feisty, and it was wrong for me to ever doubt the powers of Jacoby Brissett. 

One thing the Colts do NOT do well is pressure the QB, as they sit at just 26th in the league in Pressure % ( QB pressures (hurries + knockdowns + all sack plays (half and full for players, just full sacks for teams)) per dropback). This leads me to believe that DeShaun Watson will make it through at least one more week without literally exploding into chunks on the field, and when he avoids that he’s usually very good. 

Miami Dolphins at Buffalo Bills (-17)

Holy shit, when was the last time the Bills were favored this heavily? The WAGONS HAVE BEEN CIRCLED! Buffalo QB Josh Allen has played the Dolphins twice in his young career so far, and both times have resulted in an absolute statistical bonanza for fantasy footballers, so if you play DFS or feel like placing any prop bets, I would advise hopping aboard the Allen Train today. 

The Dolphins make me sad. Note that they don’t make me CRY, because I’m not Hootie from Hootie and the Blowfish.

Minnesota Vikings at Detroit Lions (-2)

Man, I feel bad for the Lions. They were boned out of a divisional win on Monday, and now they welcome an even tougher divisional foe on a short week. I still think they’re a good team, but this is a tough spot. My man Kerryon Johnson has NOT had a chance to get it going so far, as for whatever reason the Detroit offensive coordinator is insistent upon trying to run him straight up the middle in obvious running situations as opposed to trying to get him the ball with a bit of space to operate. Seems like a functional running game would take some pressure off of Staff Daddy! Why yes, I am an aggrieved Kerryon Johnson fantasy owner, why do you ask?

The Vikings coming to the realization that their best bet for success is to let Kurt Cousins chuck it all over the yard is hilarious to me, because you know damn well it’s going to cause HC Mike Zimmer’s other eye to explode. His demeanor in press conferences following games where Minny wins after Kurt throws 30+ times could best be described as “just watched his wife’s autopsy.”

Jacksonville Jaguars (-4) at Cincinnati Bengals

Oakland Raiders at Green Bay Packers (-4.5)

I am VERY disappointed that the Raiders have actually been a somewhat competent team so far. Watching Jon Gruden seethe on the sidelines each week was supposed be a major part of my autumn, god damn it. I suppose there’s still time for things to go sideways, but it doesn’t seem like it’ll devolve to quite the level I’d like. 

The Packers’ rush defense isn’t very good, which is unfortunate given that they find themselves up against enormous Oakland RB Josh Jacobs this week. Conversely, the best way to attack Oakland is through the air. Despite having Aaron Rodgers, Green Bay isn’t really in a great position to take advantage of this, given the fact that they have basically zero healthy pass-catchers. This game feels like a low-scoring, field-position battle that ends up being decided by a field goal.

Los Angeles Rams (-3) at Atlanta Falcons

I can’t shake the feeling that this game is going to be a blow-out win for the Falcons, and my instincts are NEVER wrong. You know who the Rams’ back-up QB is? That’s right, it’s BLAKE BORTLES! I know it isn’t likely they’d make a switch given Goff’s huge contract, but how many more stinkbombs are they willing to endure before they begin to feel themselves swaying to the siren song of BORT? Jalen Ramsey may demand another trade if that were to happen.

I truly have no idea what the Falcons will do from week-to-week. I mean, I clearly don’t know what ANY team is going to do, but with Atlanta it’s like, EXTRA uncertainty.

San Francisco 49ers (-9.5) at Washington Football Team

The narrative around this game has mostly been “Kyle Shanahan hates the Washington franchise with the fire of 1000 suns and he desperately wants to crush their hopes and dreams,” which is DELIGHTFUL. This game probably isn’t going to be any fun at all for Case Keenum, and then it will be even less fun for poor Dwayne Haskins if the team throws him in there.

The field at Washington is a notorious piece of shit to begin with, and evidently today it’s extremely soggy there. The Over/Under is currently at 39, and pounding the under doesn’t seem like the worst investment in the world if the game’s gonna be a slop-fest featuring one team that wouldn’t be likely to score a whole hell of a lot even in ideal conditions.

Baltimore Ravens at Seattle Seahawks (-3)

In theory, Seattle has the speed and athleticism along their defensive line and in their linebacking corps to keep Lamar Jackson from completely running wild on them. If that’s the case and Lamar is forced to try to beat them mostly with his arm, I don’t think he can do it. Especially given that his best WR, Marquise Brown, is out for this one.

As far as Seattle goes, Russell Wilson is the best. Evidently the national NFL media reads this picks column, because the “Wilson is the MVP frontrunner” chatter began in earnest on all of the talking-head shows this past week following my praise of the mighty DangeRuss. Clearly, nobody was aware that he was good until I brought it to the world’s attention. I’m predicting this is going to be a breakout game for rookie WR DK Metcalf. TE Will Dissly was a big part of Seattle’s passing offense, and those targets have to go somewhere. That coupled with Baltimore’s extremely shaky pass defense likely focusing the bulk of their meager stopping power on Tyler Lockett leads me to believe that DK will feast. 

Los Angeles Chargers at Tennessee Titans (-2.5)

In last week’s post I joked that it would be hilarious if San Diego blew a lay-up of a game against the thoroughly depleted Pittsburgh Steelers. Well, it turns out that it wasn’t hilarious, it was actually kind of depressing. Do NOT watch any of this game for any reason.

New Orleans Saints at Chicago Bears (-4)

Trubisky BACK! Whether or not that’s actually good for the Bears long-term is certainly up for debate. At the very least, he’s a much more capable scrambler/runner than Chase Daniel, which I think will come in handy today. 

Alvin Kamara being out is huge, obviously. Teddy B not having him around as a world-class safety valve in the face of Chicago’s fearsome pass rush is going to be an issue, I reckon. 

This game has the week’s lowest Over/Under (37) for a reason. 

Sunday Night Game: Philadelphia Eagles at Dallas Cowboys (-2.5)

Neither of these teams are playing particularly inspired football as of late, which is nice. At least some of the Cowboys’ issues can be chalked up to injuries to key players, and it appears they’re going to have everyone back for this one. La’el Collins and Tyron Smith coming back is huge (literally LOL!!!) for the offensive line, and Amari Cooper returning to join Michael Gallup gives them a legitimately dangerous pair of WRs. 

I’m picking the Cowboys to win here, which feels kind of gross, BUT I think in the long term it will only help from a comedy perspective because it increases the odds of Jason Garrett getting a contract extension.

Monday Night Game: New England Patriots (-9.5) at New York Jets

via GIPHY