#i am extremely uneducated about this and i've been following as much as i can

[vicsuragi]

.

[themsource]

Life Update 7/13/2024

I'm alive.

There's a lot that's gone on and is going on but I'm here. There's of course a lot going on in my life and has been going on that has once again kept me away. I will not divulge or explain, because I don't wish to. It was a lot, still is a lot, and is extremely personal.

I'm not leaving the undertale fandom as a creative, however, I will be leaving the fandom as a social participant. There's too much corruption and bitterness, too much drama and judgement in the social side of the fandom that I choose not to tolerate anymore.

There are too many people that would rather lie about who they are and what they believe as well as abuse or cut off people that have done them no harm in order to be liked and to gain approval. Acting as if life is one long extended episode of black mirror where your social ranking matters more than empathy to a fellow human, where the echo chamber is god and what's logically right and wrong doesn't matter in the face of personal opinion and paranoia.

I'm too old, and too tired.

Fandom is supposed to be fun, not a nightmare of walking on broken glass and eggshells. I have my small handful of friends that have proven that they are genuine people that legitimately don't care about the nonsense that goes around and imaginary pitchforks that can make them more popular or gain them more friends if they were to follow abusive hate trends and ignorant accusation posts lacking concrete evidence. I feel safe with them and will keep to them, always.

I no longer have time to deal with the "misunderstandings" or "confusion" that happens so often in large groups playing telephone or with those that try to fit words to their own narrative and understanding without attempting to think outside their own preverbal box of preconceived notions and bias, and don't care to do so.

I will no longer attempt to clear up anything or try to be understood by those that honestly don't know me and don't wish to, and who clearly only seek a thrill in causing pain and taking their own projected hurts and frustrations out on someone.

There will be no conversations. Every single online stranger reading this now is free to think what they want about me, even the untruths if they're so inclined.

I'm done trying.

The internet is where the hateful and cruel strive behind an anonymous mask—one often disguised in kindness and supposed acceptance—and of which is the whole of their life and meaning. But it is not mine.

Them, and the internet at large, is not worth my time, health, or life.

When I joined this fandom after my mother's death a few years ago I signed up for an experience that could bring a smile to my face while I gave one in turn to others while I dealt with my grief. Not to be shoved into situations where uneducated youths and adults in their 30s-40 with the maturity of previously said youths go rampart with the need to harm others, either to get ahead or for their own benefit in manipulation to get something out of others.

I have steadily been pulling away more and more over the years because of this. Struggling with the overflow of depression and stress that it has caused me, in turn making me push away and withdraw from people who didn't deserve it in many instances because my own value and self-worth tanked due to the self-deprecating thoughts it caused me.

I am not a saint.

I've done my fair share of wrongs, some of which I will never personally feel I have accounted for properly. I stood silent out of fear of being attacked when I should have said something to help someone wrongly accused by supposed friends and mutuals, I hid in the shadows and didn't think to lend a hand to people I saw were clearly in need because I didn't feel worthy of doing so, and probably many other things that I am unfortunately not aware of because they were never brought to my attention.

Because most people online don't believe in actual conversation but rather in blocking and spreading misinformed assumptions, and in dreaded call out posts so as to earn brownie points for "exposing" (or the nicer form of saying it, but is still just as cruel because the posters know that it WILL lead to harassment regardless of evidence or truth no matter if spread in public or private, but wish to play ignorant anyways — "spreading awareness") of someone. Granted these wrongs were for the most part carried out in my early fandom days that doesn't excuse the fact that they happened.

I still did the exact same thing that was done to me. I unknowingly perpetuated a never ending cycle of hurt, both out of fear and ignorance and out of a naïve want to be loved and accepted.

But I refuse to let myself be a victim or to think of myself as one out of guilt for those wrongs and loneliness anymore, and I refuse to witness others be abused and forced to feel the same way I did over the most menial and redundant bullshit that goes around and is somehow supposed to define your character to the dumbed digital masses.

I'm done.

Plain and simple.

I will be permanently turning off asks and no longer responding to any form of DM unless it is from someone I have initiated a conversation with, have engaged with before, or shares a mutual friend with me that can assure me that they're a decent person, and that I feel comfortable with. I will still on occasion post about updates or share something for the few that may want to keep following, but my personal accounts will largely be silent.

Just because I'm silent won't mean that I'm gone though.

It just means I'm not willing to be poisoned any longer, and am content at looking in from afar, if even that.

There's a lot of good people in this space, I know that, and it saddens me the possibilities I will miss out on in getting to meet or know any of them beyond the ones I know already, but I only get one life to live before I go six feet under, and I choose to put me first.

[improvingmym1nd]

My apology to anyone I've hurt

Here is the beginning of my promise to do better. I want to start off by saying that I am extremely and sincerely sorry to the people who I've hurt with my words and actions. To Jewish people, non-Jewish people, Zionists, and anyone in between, I am sorry. The hurtful things I said were only a few short years ago, yes, but I have grown. I was in a dark place myself and not doing well. I resorted to hate, anger, and believing in violence was the answer. I also was simply just uninformed and not properly educated on the happenings in Israel. This all summed up to me becoming such a terrible version of myself, someone who I now try to forget and work past from returning to being that person. I was very shocked to read back on the negative statements I had made in that time period of my life, one reason is that I no longer had access to the account I used to make those statements. It was saddening to see the things I was spewing whilst being so uneducated. To be honest, I had put that time of my life behind me due to how rough it just all was. The pandemic, numerous life issues, countless social justice problems and news, it was overwhelming. And now that it's coming back up, it hurts to see that I was that kind of person, especially on social media.

Being an immigrant myself, I know how it feels to be unwelcome. Especially in a land I call home. I know how it feels to be shunned, excluded, disrespected, and bullied. I understand how disrespectful I was in the statements I made. To know that I may have given that same feeling to someone disappoints me.

It's unfortunately very easy to follow a crowd. Especially as a child. I was very prone to listening to other people and letting others influence my own decisions and actions. I did not have a backbone and hardly did my own research. I was made to believe that it was right to ostracize Israelis and Zionists alike from society when in reality it's not right to do that to anyone at all.

Putting myself in the shoes of an Israeli or a Zionist... Imagining hundreds upon thousands of people on social media pouring out statements of negativity, violence, and abhorrence... Protesting the existence of your home and/or country... and knowing that I was one of those people? It is the biggest regret that I have in this life. I hate that I have made people feel that way.

There's no one that I can really blame but myself. As much as other people and groups influenced me to think that Israelis and Zionists don't belong, it was my entire fault for believing in anything but the truth. To support peace in the state of Israel.

Here are things that I can promise and will work on moving forward:

Educate yourself.

Do your own research.

Believe in what is right, not just because it's trendy.

Form an opinion based on facts, not assumptions.

Do not spew hatred or negative statements.

Do not join hateful groups or align yourself with people who support violence and hate.

Respect all people, no matter who they are, what they are, or where they come from.

To this day, I am continuously doing my own research. I refuse to let other people influence my belief system like that ever again, to the point where I am pouring out statements of animosity and violence about something I thought I agreed with. I hope that one glorious day, I'll be able to visit the beautiful country of Israel in hopes of seeing what the country, the culture, and the people all have to offer.

With each day that passes, I am still learning and growing. Obviously, I was not perfect then, and I am not now and never will be. But I am simply just a person. Trying to do better each day. I no longer have hate in my heart for Israelis and Zionists, and I am extremely disappointed in myself for even having those thoughts and feelings in the first place. There is room for everyone on this Earth. From the bottom of my heart, please accept my apology if you have been affected by my negative statements and know that I am regretful. Thank you for reading.

[bruhstories]

Vogel und Jäger

Summary: You accidentally witness a murder, but the murderer takes pity on you. Pairing: Zeke Jaeger x Fem!Reader (mafia AU) Warnings & Content: murder, language, angst Word Count: 1.7 k

A/N: i've been dying for a mafia au with zeke so here's part one of the series Vogel und Jäger. i have two more chapters drafted, and i'll try to post for this series weekly so i can write some moooore for it.

Bang!

The blood-curling sound was familiar to your ears. A gunshot — followed by the gurgling of a man.

Bang!

Another shot and the gurgling stopped. Panic settled in your heart, making you jump back and knock the metallic bin which served as a shield against the perpetrators.

Shit.

Footsteps drew closer and you began to pray. Running was futile. Running was always futile. Your throat was dry, your mascara was smeared all over your cheeks from all the tears, lips chapped and bleeding.

Our Father, who art in Heaven...

The cold muzzle of the gun pressed onto your forehead and you shivered, breath hitching, eyes glued to the wet pavement.

Hollowed be thy name...

The Mafia never spared any witnesses, you knew that all too well, even if you happened to be in the wrong place, at the wrong time.

Thy Kingdom come...

"Hey, boss, we got a girl."

"Kill her."

"No, please!" You threw yourself at the feet and mercy of the armed man. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry! Please, I'm only nineteen!" Through the sobs, your voice was still melodious, syrupy. So sweet that the boss stopped in his tracks.

Thy will be done...

Another pair of footsteps approached, tentatively, not as eager as the first person. You still haven't looked up, too scared to even blink, to even breathe.

On earth, as it is in Heaven...

"Hand me the gun, Yelena."

"As you wish, boss."

You felt someone crouch down next to you, someone dressed in expensive clothing, by the look of the trousers and polished shoes.

Give us this day our daily bread...

"You've got a very pretty voice." He lifted your chin up with the barrel of the gun, chills running down your spine.

"T-thank y-you..."

"Can you sing, little bird?"

"Y-yes."

And forgive us our trespasses...

Finally, you looked at the perpetrator — spellbinding grey eyes, platinum blonde hair slicked back and a matching goatee. His gaze was either boring or pitiful.

"Lucky you, we're hiring."

As we forgive those who trespass against us...

Anxiety coiled in your stomach, words caught up in your throat. You were still praying, unaware if this was all a sadistic joke or a miracle.

And lead us not into temptation...

Dark lashes fluttered, more tears streaming down your beautiful face as the gears in your head turned in a desperate attempt to understand what was happening.

But deliver us from evil...

"Hiring?" Your voice went up an octave when you saw the small stag pinned to the man's chest. The Jaeger family — the most feared mafia family in Paradis City.

For thine is the kingdom...

"A pretty voice like yours shouldn't go to waste." He got up and offered you his hand.

And the power, and the glory...

Reluctantly, you took it, helping yourself up and chewing your lower lip.

For ever and ever...

"T-thank you!" You told him, slender fingers squeezing his hand tightly. "I owe you m-my life."

Amen.

"Correct. Your life, your soul, your eyes and ears." He walked you to a car and opened the door for you. "Yelena, take us to the club. We've got business to discuss with my little brother."

•°.•°.•°.•°

Your eyes wandered all over the soundproof office, situated one floor above and opposite the stage. Every inch of the bar, the seating areas, everything was visible from that room. You tapped a finger on the wide window, eyes narrowed at the idea that it might, in fact, be bulletproof. These men were not playing, and you were now their property. The door opened and you jolted at the sound of music filling the office as your saviour walked in with two other people.

"This is my younger brother, Eren. You already know Yelena. I assume you know my name."

You nodded.

"Zeke Jaeger."

"Good girl." Zeke was pleased with your answer as he poured himself a glass of bourbon.

"I thought we didn't spare any witnesses." Eren shot you a look that made you regret being alive.

"Settle down, little brother. Tell us your name."

"Y/N, sir. Y/N Y/L/N." You swallowed, fingers fiddling with the hem of your blouse in an attempt to calm your nerves.

"You see, Eren, Y/N can sing." Zeke opened a drawer and pulled a gun out. More guns, more panic. Your eyes widened and your plump lips quivered when he aimed the gun at you with one hand, glass of alcohol in the other. "Sing or I paint the walls with your brains."

Your legs almost gave in at the threat — you knew it wasn't an empty one, and with all the courage you could muster, you closed your eyes and sang the first song that came to your mind, fucking Kiss from a Rose.

Your voice seemed to coat the people with honey, all three of them somewhat relaxing at the sweet sounds coming from your vocal cords.

"See, I told you she can sing." Zeke put the gun back in the drawer and closed it, swirling the bourbon in his glass before finishing it.

"Where do you live?" Eren crossed his arms, still suspicious of you.

"Historia's." You told him, eyes drifting to the ugly fur rug on the floor.

"The orphanage?"

"Yes."

"But you said you're nineteen." Zeke intervened, a brow quirked at you.

"I am. I try to help as much as possible in exchange for a bed and a roof over my head." You explained, eyeing the white couch that looked so incredibly comfortable.

"Just sit down already." Eren scoffed and you rushed to the furniture, mumbling thank you’s over and over.

"And why were you on that street tonight?" Yelena spoke for the first time since you came to the club. You looked at her and she seemed just as suspicious about you as Eren.

"I... the man you k-killed... he was... I'm-"

"A prostitute." Zeke nonchalantly interrupted you.

It was true. People like you, orphans, didn't have the privilege of being properly educated and finding well-paid jobs. Paradis was a jungle, and you did everything you could to survive. Everything.

"Well on the bright side you don't have to do that anymore." Zeke shrugged as he sunk deeper in his chair, feet on the desk, but you sensed he wasn't entirely honest. "You do have a beautiful voice, and our last girl had some... business to attend to, so you'll be taking her place."

"Is this why you called me here?" Eren sighed, leg impatiently shaking.

"Don't be stupid, of course not. I need Armin to prepare this month's tax reports and I need you to keep an eye on the police. They're sticking their nose in our business again, and I want them out of it. You two can go. Y/N, you stay." Zeke waved his hand and Eren and Yelena left, music briefly filling the office again.

You twiddled with the cushion in your lap, waiting for your new boss to say something. Being in that room was nerve-wracking, and you felt the air grow thick. Eventually Zeke took off his glasses, fingers rubbing the bridge of his nose as he sighed.

"Sir?" You dared, voice feeble and frail.

"What?" He clicked his tongue and you instantly regretted speaking.

"Sir, I'm not educated, but I've been on the streets long enough to know that every man or woman has a purpose..." You placed the cushion back. "...and a price. What's my purpose? I doubt it's only to sing."

Zeke nodded, fingers tracing the wooden desk.

"You're right, it isn't just to sing. It's to distract."

"Distract who? And from what?"

"You're asking an awful lot of questions for someone who's just witnessed a murder. You best not go to the police." He narrowed his eyes, piercing your soul. You sighed and walked to the desk, taking a seat opposite Zeke.

"It's not... my first murder." You confessed to him.

"Oh? My dear, you're full of surprises. Pray, tell. Drink?"

"Yes please." You answered, throat dry as a desert. "I can't go to the police. And even if I could, I wouldn't." The drink earned a disgusted look from you, but it was better than nothing. "Two years ago, I ended someone's life. He deserved it, he broke into Miss Historia's orphanage and tried to... to..."

"I understand." Zeke stopped you. "And if you go to the police, they'd do a background check on you." He continued, satisfied that he had a leverage in case you decided to turn against him.

"Exactly. And Historia helped me so much, I wouldn't want to put her in danger. So, I'm asking again, distract who from what?"

Zeke walked to the window, telling you to follow him. He pointed at two men, a tall blond one, and a short brunette one.

"See those two? They're policemen. They work for us, but we suspect they're double agents." He explained before pointing at three other men. "Those we suspect of being Marleyan mobsters. You see, Y/N, we have a lot of enemies. And we must keep our guard up every second of our lives."

You nodded, perfectly understanding Zeke's words. Paradis was a chess board and only the filthy rich played — the rest of you were pawns.

"Sir, you spared my life, and I know I can't ask for anything in return. But please, please don't drag Miss Historia into this. The children there did nothing wrong." Tears pooled at your eyes, rolling down your cheeks and you wiped them with the back of your hand. "I swear my loyalty to you."

"For someone uneducated, you're extremely clever." Zeke's voice was serious. You half-smiled at the compliment, but you knew the mess you got yourself into cut your lifespan severely. "Can you shoot?"

"No, sir."

"It's alright, Mikasa will teach you. Sleep on the couch tonight, I'll have Yelena bring you a blanket. Tomorrow you'll swear an oath in front of the family. And if you want to protect Historia, you'll move out of the orphanage."

You nodded. You understood that mingling with the mafia endangered everyone you loved, but you couldn't stop yourself from crying the entire night. Historia was but a few months older than you, yet she gladly took you in when she invested in that orphanage. Now you had to leave everything behind for her safety — and yours.

[frenchlangdon]

Late Night Louisiana Pt. 3

Summary: It’s late 19th century, Y/N moves to Louisiana to learn more about vampires. But what happens when she finds one likely creature of the night at Porterhollow Cemetery?

LNL Masterlist

Pairing: Vampire!bucky x reader

A/N: are y’all liking this so far??

"You're known to cover up half your face with a bandana or have your whole face in the shadows. I assumed it was because you had lengthy teeth, like a walrus." I explained. He gave me a confused look before shaking his head, "What's your name?" I asked. "Why should I tell you?" He leaned in, his nose inches from my own. "Because I would like to be your friend. I mean, I could just keep calling you Wrecker." I shrug. "It's up to you." I said. "Why are you here?" he asked.

"Why haven't you been to the tavern?" I asked completely ignoring his question. I've been itching to know the answer for weeks, months. "Haven't felt like being around people. Why? Someone there expecting me?"

"No, well yes. Me, I have. I've been waiting for you to walk into that damned place for a year. I've wanted to meet you for some time now, Wreck." I stepped back from him and bumped into something hard, I turn around and there stood a tall angel statue.

"I'm no big bug, darlin."

"But you are, you're a creature of the night. I find you extremely fascinating." I smile up at him.

"Creature of the night?" He scoffed. "Well, this creature of the night is mighty hungry." He paused and looked around. "And it seems as though you're the only living thing around. Guess now you're my dinner."

"You wouldn't." I said matter of factly and crossed my arms. "Oh and why wouldn't I? Enlighten me." He chuckled as he took a step closer, trapping me in between him and the angel statue.

"You only feed on drunk bastards. How does it taste, by the way? Do you get drunk off of their blood?" I smirked. Now that his face was just inches from mine and the moon was shining perfectly on his face. Since he was so close I could study his face, I could see every flaw there was if he even had any. He had a few freckles across the bridge of his nose.

Folk these days despise freckles for some ungodly reason. Personally I like them, they make you look younger and sweet. Freckles are a precious thing to me. His lips were pink and plump, they looked incredibly soft. And scruff?! He has scruff! My hands cupped his face feeling his beard. "Does your hair grow faster than it did before?" I asked, completely amazed. Here I am, in Porterhollow, trapped in between a creepy and cold might I add, angel statue and this extraordinary vampire. I am genuinely the luckiest person in Louisiana right now. "Can you sleep? Or are you up all the time?"

"I sleep, it's kind of hard on stone, though." My heart broke at his answer.

"Does sunlight hurt you?"

"No, the whole burning into ash as soon as the sun hits me is a myth. My eyes are just very sensitive."

"Why don't you um, why don't you come sleep at my house for the night. I'd feel bad if I left here, knowing you sleep in mausoleums. You can sleep on a comfortable bed. With blankets." I smiled, hoping he would accept my invitation.

"Where do you live?" He asked and took my hand, pressing my palm to his. "Um, west side of the lake, I'm surrounded by trees, not a lot of neighbors."

I glanced between our hands pressed together and his eyes, his eyes were glued to mine the whole time. "Do you live alone?" He asked.

"Y-Yes. Yes I do." I said, he narrowed his eyes as if he didn't believe me. If it seemed possible he stared deeper into my eyes. Seconds later he withdrew his hand from mine, "Thats dangerous, y'know, living alone."

"Well I've been on my own for awhile now and I'm still here." I shrugged. I'm an independent woman. I can hold my own, thank you very much.

"Well ya never know what could happen. You might end up with a vampire in your home." He smiled and took a step back. "So is that a yes?" I bit my lip trying to hold back a squeal. He slowly nodded. "Put your bandana on." He laughed and shook his head. Once he put it on I took his hand in mine and practically drug him out of the foggy cemetery. I took him through the back way, through the woods. I normally would have gone through the city if I were alone, but I'm with a vampire hungry for drunkards, I feel incredibly safe. "How old are you?" He asked.

"I am twenty-four years of age. How old are you wreck?"

"Going on fifty years old." He nodded with purses lips. "Well, you don't look a day over thirty!" I teased. He rolled his eyes and smiled.

"I wish I could stop aging. Especially right now at this age. Perfect age to stay at forever. You're so lucky."

"It's actually terribly. I had to watch all of my friends get married, have kids, and die. Their kids are about your age, maybe a little bit older." His voice was low and dull, no emotion could be detected in his voice. He definitely felt like he was missing out. Silence followed after that.

After a few minutes of walking around logs and fighting off those dumb galnippers, we finally made it to my lovely little cabin. "This is it." I walked in and looked around for a box of matches to light to a couple lanterns. Usually two lanterns lit up the whole cabin, mine was rather small. It consisted of a table with three chairs, a tiny kitchen and then there's two rooms in the back, a bedroom and a bathroom.

Once I lit the lanterns up I saw Wreck already snooping around with his hands behind his back. He was looking at a painting of Steve and I. "Right. Forgot... you have night vision." I said. He glanced back confused, "Who told you that?"

"Oh... you don't have night vision?"

"No, I do. But how would you know?"

"Well I've heard many uh, many stories of you. I heard that you had night vision in one of them."

"Are you like obsessed with me or something?" He raised his brows and smirked. "No! For lands sake! I am not obsessed with you! I simply just want to know more about what you are and the heightened abilities that you possess." I let out a huff of breath and glared at him. "You talk just like a book." He muttered. "Well I'm sorry! Would you have preferred me to be an uneducated woman?"

"No. Didn't mean it as an insult, really. Just never met such a well spoken woman with such beauty."

His comment made my breath hitch. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were flirting with me, Wreck."

"Yeah well maybe I am. You're the first person to speak to me in a nice manner and not treat me like a monster and you're also a very beautiful woman." He winked at me and walked over from the little dresser. "I'm gonna go get a bite." He said.

"Will you—are you gonna come back?" I stared up at him with hopeful eyes. "Yeah." He kisses my cheek and left, closing the front door behind him.

I slump down in the chair and hold my cheek.

Are vampires this flirtatious?

Is it in their nature?

Are they all handsome?

My heart beats fast as I ask myself all these questions.

But wait. I told him he could sleep in my bed tonight. Why would I do that? I only have one bed. Where the hell am I supposed to sleep? And what the hell possessed me to invite him to my home?

It was those damned eyes, I bet.

I don't particularly want to sleep on some made up pallet on the floor and I'm not sleeping in this hard chair.

The bed is big enough for the both of us. I mean I guess we could sleep in the bed together, it can't hurt. But would he want to sleep in the same bed as me? Of course he would, he hasn't slept in a real bed in years. Surely he won't mind. Yeah, he won't care. He gets to finally sleep on a comfortable bed.

I finally meet a vampire and I invite him to sleep with me in the same night. What is wrong with me?