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ajoblotofjunk · 5 years

Note

DVD commentary for the July chapter of HFOG! or just the motorcycle ride if that’s too much lol

All of July is too much for me mentally right now so I’ll do the motorcycle ride. :D This got (unsurprisingly!!) long, so lemme put a Keep Reading cut in real quick.

A week later, on the off Sunday between Winterfell and Lannisport, Jaime was spending his birthday alone at the office.

I’ll do this whole section, since it being on his birthday was the trigger I used to get Jaime to ask her to go on the bike. This scene was one of like three I had in my head from pretty much the beginning. I find motorcycles extremely sexy (I’m an easy target okay) and I loved the idea of forcing these two knuckleheads into that much physical contact in what should theoretically be a platonic experience; I just had to figure out how to get them there since Brienne just spent the last part of June pushing Jaime back a step. Hard to say no to a lonely man on his birthday though.

going clubbing until they were both passed out or dead by the end of it. Bronn was home with Lollys, probably having enough sex to stock them up until August, and Jaime wasn’t really close enough with the rest of the crew to consider spending time with them outside of work.

I think this was the month where I decided Bronn was going to be genuinely happy with Lollys. I know I mentioned her early on but I toyed around in my head for awhile with the idea that he was still kind of loose and maybe even unfaithful to her, and I decided I didn’t want to go that way. I wanted to like Bronn in this fic. He’s kind of my Sarcastic Wise Elder character for these two and I really grew to love the idea that he is just as much an inner softie in his heart as Jaime is, that that sharp outer shell/gooey center combo was something that connected them. I think it really helped in the October chapter that Bronn was likable, because then that scene in the hospital between him and Jaime had a much bigger emotional hit.

The only other person he wanted to see was Brienne and though she’d sent him a ‘happy birthday!’ text that morning unprompted, he hadn’t responded for

I laugh to myself thinking about Brienne hovering over that text message all “should I send a gif? is the text going to be enough? what about emojis? Is it weird if I text him at all? He didn’t tell me it was his birthday but I definitely know it’s his birthday because I have memorized a lot of unimportant facts about a man I am Definitely Not Into.”

lunch, smoked what he swore was the only cigarette he would have as a thirty-six year old, and then aimlessly watched TV for a few hours before driving his motorcycle into the office.

Jaime uses smoking to fill the hole of the things he wants but believes he’ll never have. At the start of the fic that’s respect and winning races. As he slowly gets those things, he smokes whenever he’s thinking about Brienne, even though he does not realize it consciously. Once he gets all three, he stops smoking for good.

There had been a scattered handful of engineers there that afternoon, working away in preparation for the different requirements of Lannisport next week, but

Honestly, sometimes remembering there were hundreds of people working on this team in particular was exhausting. 😂 I always had this constant voice in the back of my head of Lannister Corp scenes of “where are all these other workers and what are they doing?” It works here because I needed the ride to happen at night, but this is just giving me flashbacks to “oh right this team is actually 500-1000 people, not just these 12.”

He raised his glass of water to his empty office. “Happy birthday to me,” he muttered, taking a sip. It wasn’t even flavored water, which felt like such a maudlin statement on his life that he couldn’t finish it.

The “it wasn’t even flavored water” line still makes me laugh to this day. It’s one of my favorite moments in the entire story. It’s so DRAMATIC. Like, my god man, get a hold of yourself. Anyway, I love drama queen Jaime.

He probably should have texted Taena or Melara, but he didn’t want to spend time with them. He didn’t want to listen to his sister’s barely concealed insults

I had a whole bit…I think it was in August? Might have been earlier, I can’t recall now, anyway, two or three paragraphs talking about how Jaime met Melara and Taena and why they all worked out this arrangement and Brynn (rightly) made the point that it didn’t actually add anything to the story I was telling. I managed to cover what really mattered about it in two sentences instead. The moral of this is that this story could have been even longer but Brynn is the best so you should thank her.

find out what she did on her off days, what kind of birthday cake she liked, if

Chocolate with chocolate and fruit filling and chocolate frosting, FYI.

Brienne’s worried frown deepened. “Have you done anything for your birthday today?”

“I had a cigarette.”

She shook her head, looking disappointed. “Anything that doesn’t shorten your life by doing it?”

I also really like this line. I’m a fan of Worried Mom Friend Brienne, too.

“I drank some water,” he grumbled.

Unflavored! Like an ANIMAL. 😂

“Have you even eaten?”

“I feel like we’ve had this conversation before.”

She blinked, startled, and then a sheepish grin swarmed over her face. “I guess some things don’t change. At least you didn’t insult me this time.”

“Progress,” he said, smiling, watching her features go soft and open in a way he’d probably dream about that night. Distance, his brain reminded him.

I didn’t plan for this quiet callback to the sandwich conversation from January, but I really was pleased to see it happen. It makes sense; Brienne wants the people she cares about to take care of themselves and where back in January I think she felt she was being more his Mom, here they’re both aware she’s being his friend and that’s part of why it’s a softer moment.

“Then come riding with me. Have you been on a motorcycle before?”

“No. My dad was firmly against it after Galladon died.”

At this point in the fic I was pretty sure Brienne was going to drive although I hadn’t worked out all the details of how I was going to get there yet, but when I wrote this I definitely shored up the “Selwyn is very overprotective” support I’d only just started to build back with the phone call in January. I also knew when I wrote this that Jaime was going to bring the motorcycle to Tarth and her dad was going to be all about it, even though I wasn’t sure how that was going to happen.

“Well,” he said, standing slowly, “your dad’s not here now, is he?”

Fun fact: this story idea first appeared to me in relation to Bruce Springsteen’s “I’m On Fire” and there’s a lyric in there - ‘hey little girl is your daddy home, did he go and leave you all alone’ - that this quietly references. And actually I wanted the whole motorcycle ride to have the exact same feeling when you’re reading it as I feel listening to that song! It’s a direct path from there to here emotionally.

(In some other universe instead of this I wrote a fic where Jaime keeps bringing his car in to Selwyn’s Garage just so he can see Brienne, grease smudged on her face, and he asks her to deliver it to his home and she does and, well. It doesn’t go like the video. *g*)

(That video and song were very formative influences on young me though I was not aware of it at the time. If you haven’t heard the song or seen the video, here you go: https://youtu.be/lrpXArn3hII)

Jaime arched an eyebrow. “My bike is plenty big.”

Brienne snorted but the red in her cheeks spread out to her crooked her nose and down the freckled length of her long neck. “Sounds like you’re compensating, Lannister.”

I could show you he thought but he bit it back, as well as the image of pushing her against the door of his office and- No. Bad. he told both his errant thoughts and his twitching cock like they were misbehaving dogs.

Jaime has been horny for her since April (January though he would refuse to acknowledge it if you told him that at this point), give him a break.

He came around the desk and held out his hand and she stared down at it like it was a snake she was trying to decide was poisonous or not.

Brienne gingerly wrapped her long fingers around his

I wanted Brienne to actively participate in the decision to do this, to show through her actions (not just Jaime’s perceptions of her) that she wants this, too. I had to ramp things up for both of them in this chapter because I knew what was coming in August and I wanted them to be ready for that. I couldn’t have gone from where they were in June to the kiss in August, I had to force them together in a way they hadn’t intended so that when they come together intentionally it feels like a natural progressions, and that meant both of them had to be wanting it.

What are you doing? his brain demanded as he led Brienne through the empty corridors out to the front parking lot.

Enjoying my birthday for once.

I like this because it’s both Jaime making excuses for why he’s doing something really foolish if he’s supposed to be keeping his distance but ALSO true and a sad reflection on his life (and what Brienne brings to it even now).

His bike was parked in Tywin’s CEO spot, where he always parked as a small, childish fuck you to his father. Brienne gasped as they walked up, pulling her hand away to brush the gleaming chrome.

“You have an Iron Throne!”

I know. I KNOW. But I love calling it that. I cast around for motorcycle names for awhile and when I hit on this I could not resist. Iron Thrones in this fic world are basically those giant Harleys that would easily seat two people.

weight of her against his palms. Brienne’s eyes narrowed and he worried for a second she’d heard his thoughts. “It’s not safe to ride without a helmet though, and I don’t have one. Do you have an extra?”

Jaime hadn’t brought his today, either. “We could wear driving helmets.”

As I recall it, Brynn came up with the idea of the helmet scene or at least definitely helped me work out how it was going to go when I got stuck on it. She made the point it should be a cute moment between them and it was right because it made the whole ride seem fun instead of just weighty and tense. The fact they actually have FUN together is really important to me because I think it’s really important to successful relationships in general. If you’re going to be with this person for the rest of you life, I hope like hell you enjoy spending time with them.

When she saw the helmet he had she laughed, the sound bursting up into the sky like a flock of startled birds.

I’m not usually happy with how I describe things - I never feel like it’s as interesting or descriptive or powerful as I want - but I do like this line a lot.

“It’s a helmet,” he said, holding it out to her. The helmet was a bright neon green and covered with frogs forming the words MOAT CAILIN with their bodies. “I got it from one of our sponsors a few years ago and kept it thinking someday I’d wear it just to piss off my father.”

What does Moat Cailin do? I genuinely have no idea. 😂

Brienne took the helmet and held it out away from her like it was a very stinky baby. “You’re sure no one is going to see us?”

“Now who’s vain?”

This made me laugh. I love when Brienne gets to be light-hearted.

“Isn’t there some biker lingo you should use instead?”

“Hop on my hog, sexy mama?”

Goofy Jaime: also a personal favorite. This is kind of an early insight into how he’s going to be in later months when he’s truly, unburdenedly (I made that word up) happy.

Brienne laughed even harder that time and shook her head. “You are so annoying,” she said fondly, climbing on behind him.

The “you’re annoying”/”you’re stubborn” back and forth is something I have been trying to consistently but not overwhelmingly carry through this fic from very early on.

“Since you’ve never ridden before, the primary rule is that you have to lean into the curves with me. If you’re balanced differently than I am it might bring the whole bike down.

Having ridden a motorcycle: this is actually true. It was the first thing the person I was riding with told me.

Her arms fully encircled his waist, her body pressed so firmly against his back he imagined he could feel the weight of her small breasts through his own shirt. He had no jacket but he didn’t need one; even if it hadn’t been for the drowsy summer heat, Brienne’s warmth against him stoked enough fire he could have burned all night.

You shouldn’t ride a motorcyle without proper gear, kids, but Jaime doesn’t give a fuck and for the purpose of this kind of intimate contact, neither do I for this story. 😁

It was almost like sex, the way they moved together around the curves, the blood thrumming in his veins, her occasional breathless gasp. He had to shift a little on his seat to make room for his awkward erection, but he pressed the bike faster, the curves tighter, until she was welded against him and the wind whipped her joyful laughter from her mouth, leaving it like tracers behind them in the dark.

This is the image in my head when I thought of them on the motorcycle ride. Everything before and after this paragraph is just set up and pay off for this one part.

Centuries ago there had been a keep at the top of Aegon’s High Hill, but all that was left now were old stones weathered by time and the salt air off of Blackwater Bay.

Thank goodness for the internet, and people who post very detailed maps of King’s Landing and Westeros so I can figure out some of this stuff. I have spent a surprising amount of time for this fic looking at maps.

“Why were you at work today?” he asked, staring at her.

Brienne pulled off her hoodie to reveal a tank top underneath, her muscular shoulders bunching as she did so in a way that made his mouth go dry.

There’s a gif that was being posted in the Oathkeepers discord around the time I was writing this that I had in mind explicitly for this moment. 😄

Her skin seemed to absorb the light, making it white and smooth as milkglass, her freckles mirroring the infinite stars. “Truthfully,” she said, “I wanted to spend some time alone with the car.” Even in the moonlight the reddening of her pale cheeks was clear.

Survey says: Mostly true. She also was thinking of him, since it was his birthday. She genuinely did NOT expect him to be there, though.

Jaime walked to the edge of the flat gravel and stared across the Rush to roughly where he thought Tarth would be way down south in the Stormlands. It had been years since he’d been and he didn’t remember it well, but he wished he could so he could picture Brienne there.

Again, I knew he was going to be in Tarth the very next chapter, so I wanted to lay the groundwork for it to seem natural he would be. Bringing it up here was a perfect opportunity for that.

They put their helmets back on, and Brienne her hoodie, and she climbed on behind him again, her arms automatically curling around his waist this time instead of the distant grip of the start. He started the engine and leaned forward a little, and she leaned her head against his shoulder as they took the drive down more slowly.

This easy warmth was important, too. Again, the sexual tension is critical to get them to their breaking point because they’re sure as hell not going to talk about how much they care about each other first (or even for a long while after they start having sex, as we discover), but I wanted there to be something deeper to their bond, too, a connection that I could build on in the second half of the story where you believe they’ll be happy together as an established couple. That they’re comfortable together.

The trip down the hill was as solemn as the stars above and when he parked again in front of the Lannister Corp Racing offices Brienne took her helmet off and stared quietly at him when he remained seated, his visor pushed up.

I think subconsciously this is when Brienne really falls in love with him, because it’s just Jaime being Jaime, and sharing something important to him with her and that kind of openness is the key to her heart.

Sadness gleamed like the stars in her big twilight eyes. Brienne put a hand on his shoulder and his whole body went rigid under her touch. Her fingers crept to the nape of his neck under his helmet, softly brushed through the short hair there before she dragged them away again as her pale skin reddened.

Brienne was more reserved here in the initial draft of this and Brynn thought there should be more and she was - as usual - absolutely right. So the touch was added to fully seal the momentous connection that happened here.

“You can get home okay?” he asked.

“I’ll take the bus, there’s a stop just by the sports bar.”

Brienne the Bus Rider strikes again. Hee.

He couldn’t even quit smoking; how was he ever going to quit wanting Brienne?

These two things are connected here for a reason! As noted above. Hee.

Wow this was fun for me, thank you for asking! 😊

[DVD Commentary Meme - Asks are open]

#dvd commentary meme #heart full of gasoline #the-world-unseen #i was lowkey worried i wasn't going to have anything to say #idk why given my history with this story in particular #but anyway this was kind of illuminating for me too #so thanks!#hopefully it's not super boring hee

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elliepassmore · 5 years

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In the Afterlight Review

5/5 stars Recommended for people who like: dystopian, found families, psychic powers, inner group conflict, impossible decisions After where we left off at the end of NF, ITA opens up in a very distinctly apocalyptic setting. The series has always vaguely had that feel in the way most near-future dystopian books do, but the EMP and bombing of LA tipped the scale further into apocalypse territory. I enjoyed how Bracken really explored the vision of a bombed-out LA and the impacts that might have on suburbs like Burbank. Something about the image of burned, shelled cars and brick rubble and abandoned shops just does something for me in terms of settings, aesthetic, and mood. I think, in this case, it works quite well to set the tone of the first bit of the book. The second setting is pretty neat too. It’s another League location in California, but a bit farther north. The place is like a huge compound with secret rooms as well as tunnels connecting it to different locations. It’s the perfect place to hide a bunch of kids while you’re planning an action against, say, the ‘rehabilitation’ camps Psi kids are kept in. Aside from suiting the purposes of the characters, this second setting also visualizes the divide that starts to occur between what’s left of the League in CA, with some (most) of them hanging out in the Garage, which is separated from the main portion of the compound by a long tunnel, and those that are left mostly sticking to the main part of the compound. The Garage is definitely cooler visually, I’ll say that, but the ideology and plans of those who hang out there is a little too optimistic for reality. With this as the last book dedicated to Ruby’s story, it’s mostly about closing out her arc. After LA, she wants so desperately to do the right thing by everyone and is stretching herself so thin it’s no wonder certain stuff ends up happening. She’s much more in-tune with her powers, though she still doesn’t like using them and still wants a cure. I like how things go for her in this one, for the most part. I feel bad for her in this one more so than the others. She’s so down in the dumps and so few people see it, like, I think Liam picks up on it, but it’s only really addressed when they have some down time together, which is neverand then the only other one to really mention her emotional mood is Zu. So, Ruby basically has a boyfriend who’s as busy and her and a 13-year-old to discuss her mental state with….not great options. With all her issues on her powers and the insecurities that come with that, added into the mess with Jude and dealing with Clancy and the issue with the League agents and wrangling everyone, it just gets to be a lot and I feel so bad for her. One thing I am not too pleased about is her and Liam’s arguments and distance. Like…the entire thing is just so dumb and takes up multiple chapters, and then it’s resolved in one and they’re all peachy-keen again, which makes me wonder if the tension between them really needed to last as long as it did (but I’ve decided to blame exhaustion, stress, and Clancy for this one). Speaking of Liam…I’m not really sure what to think of him in this one. He’s definitely gung-ho for helping other kids and making sure that the camps are shut down, but his plans for going about it lack the teeth that they had in TDM (and, ironically, his OG plans are the ones Ruby builds on and he disagrees with, so…). I can’t tell if he’s just reeling from everything that happened in NF or if it’s just a weird character change that makes him inclined to think that a media storm will successfully bring the camp system down or what. His change in plan combined with his dislike of Cole, his distrust for the League, and Ruby’s own insecurities, just leads to him coming out as quick to irritate in this one. I will give him the fact that having your memory stolen and then regifted would be extremely jarring and invasive. I get why he writes the note, and I get why he’d be touchy and angry about that, but the rest of the stuff is just, I’m pretty sure, just his judgement getting clouded. Not to mention, he’s a hell of a lot more reckless, though we are seeing things through Ruby’s POV and he could always have been exceedingly careful, so there’s that. Outside of those interrelated changes, he is largely still the super sweet, super supportive, protective Liam we saw in TDM and NF. Even when he is fighting with Ruby, or even later with Cole, he still wants to understand and combine ideas instead of dismissing them out of turn. Chubs is once-again stuck between his two friends and hates it, though he does his best to work with them. I feel like Chubs gets a lot more mature in this one and faces things with a wiser attitude than he did before. I mean, he was always the more cautious one of the bunch but he just got an extra layer of professionalism added to him throughout this book. He seems a lot more at ease with life and with himself, which was good to see. On the other side of the spectrum, we get to see a much more emotional Vida than we have before. Sure, in NF we saw her angry plenty, but here there’s a mix of sadness and grief and desperation and camaraderie and support we didn’t get in the previous book. Her walls break down a lot more and she’s willing to admit that she’d prefer to talk about what happened to Jude rather than just shove it down and away like everyone else seems inclined to do. She also starts a surprisingly tight friendship with Zu, and the two of them are definitely a force. Zu comes in about a third- to halfway through the book. I love Zu, she’s such a great character personality-wise, but she also has a way of cutting right to the center of things and helping people. She may be young, only 13 in this one, but she’s go the insight of someone much older. What happened in the novella In Time has clearly impacted her when she first comes into ITA, but she slowly and steadily overcomes it, learning and helping those around her and letting them boost her in return. She grows a lot as a character, and it was awesome to read. Nico is an interesting character, since he was in NF, but it was difficult to really get a feel for who he was as a character in that one. Here, we see he has a lot of regret over what happened in LA, and he’s working to reconcile the Clancy he used to know to the person Clancy is now. Nico’s unflinchingly loyal, but he’s come to realize he put his money on the wrong horse and is struggling to make it up to everyone. Clancy’s still a piece of work and none of his character development comes internally, it’s all external. We do get to meet his mom, though, and combined with what we know of President Gray….well, it just explains a lot. Okay, it’s kind of spoilery, but I absolutely adore the entire thing Ruby has going on once she’s back in Thurmond. She goes back in and she’s struggling so much with the feelings of fear and absolute terror the place instill in her, plus the worry that the plan won’t work because the people on the other side won’t come or won’t come in time, just makes the fact she fights through it all that much better. I wish her reunion with Sam was a little better, though, I did want there to be a bigger thing with them, but whatever, we get that in Beyond the Night. My favorite scene from this collection of chapters is when Ruby’s in the control tower with O’Ryan and just snaps on his ass. It’s great. Of the main three books—TDM, NF, and ITA—this one comes in as my second favorite, with TDM as the first and NF as the last. The settings are, once again, fantastic, and I love a lot of the plot and events that occur in this book. I do think that Ruby and Liam fighting as much as they do only to have an insta-make-up was not great (though I do have my suspicions that they’re issues were exacerbated by Clancy manipulating Ruby. Ever notice how the two times he does it large-scale, she’s also separated emotionally, and generally physically, from (primarily) Liam and the others? My hunch is Clancy saw how well it worked the first time and used his Orange powers to manipulate it into happening again). Overall, ITA is a good ending to the series and I’m pretty satisfied with it all around. Clancy Story in 2018 Edition 5/5 stars The story picks up from when Ruby went to see Clancy at the end of ITA. The collection is basically a run-through of Clancy’s worst moments. There are some of them, like when he and Hayes and Olivia find East River to establish it that aren’t too bad. Then there are others, like the ones where he’s strapped to a table getting experimented on, that are downright awful. Most of them fall somewhere in between. The way it’s set up, I believe it’s a reverse chronological order of Clancy’s memories. The first one is from ITA, when he tells Ruby that she’s the one who tipped off the PSFs about the Sawtooth camp, and the last one is from when he’s pretty little, probably around three or four. I like that, as we progress through the story and the memories, we also get to see how Clancy’s warped mind was built up bit by bit. As a child, he obviously has little malice other than when it comes to protecting himself from others. As time goes on and he’s experimented on, that malice and cruelty grows into what it is in the first memory. Aside from the way we’re seeing each memory erase based on how recent it is, I love how Bracken chose to end each scene with “a heartbeat, and it’s gone.” There’s just something about that line, about the speed and finality of it that I just love. Nico features in most of the memories, so we get to see how Clancy, in his own weird way, does have feelings for the other boy. Clancy doesn’t have full-blown romantic feelings about Nico, or even what I’d necessarily call a crush, but he definitely is attached to him and Nico holds sway. I think this might be my favorite ‘exclusive short’ of the bunch. It’s a combo of the formatting of the piece and the way we get to see inside Clancy’s head and watch his development into the person he is in the TDM series that makes it one of my favorites.

Note: Since Through the Dark is just a bind-up of the novellas, it’s coming out on Saturday and TDL’s review will be coming out next Wednesday

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gg-astrology · 5 years

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TWICE Kim Dahyun - Overview

Hello! 💕 I am here-- finally, doing Dahyun’s overview!! 💕💕 I got a few asks about her so I thought I’d do it now sknkj thank u for motivating me even tho u didn’t know u did!! 💕💕💕 After this--- we have Tzuyu and Chaeyoung but I’ll save them to do later!! 💕💕 Doing three readings in a row is exhAUsting but I’m!! 💕💕 Happy to deliver this now aaah 💕💕💕 Their comeback is so soon, please support the girls!! 💕💕

Disclaimer: For unknown Birthtimes we’re going to use the standard 12.00pm --and as always, please read with your own discretion! 💕

May 28th 1998 Seongnam, Gyeonggi-do, South Korea

Gemini Sun - Cancer Moon

I know I’ve talked about them before in my Sun-Moon combination (for this combo it’s right here)

Anon mentioned how the members said she acts like a grandma back at the dorm, and you can kinda see that from this combination as well. With Gemini being inclusive, naturally charming and usually independent-- Cancer has to ‘recover’ and spend time recuperating from the information intake Gemini brings for their own emotional well-being

Y know-- kinda like if you’re outside and meant to be socializing, you don’t realize how exhausted you are until you come home. Cancer Moon in their domestic side comes off as a ‘different’ person (to others) bc that’s where they reset sometimes.

That’s their ‘me’ time, sometimes they need a little more privacy in order to go through emotions as well. Which is why it’s such an interesting combination when placed next to Gemini.

There’s a lot of mental (intellectual) connectivity that’s combined with intuitive/emotional objectivity. This mixture of Gemini/Cancer -- you have someone who can make connections fairly easily, assisting in smoother communication/guidance and relaying information.

And supplementing that is Cancer’s emotional objectivity-- cardinality, ‘what direction are we going in/what to do’ -- who has to be where, what’s the situation at hand.

This makes for a natural leader/organizer -- but perhaps more in the term of taking in directions and then translating, relaying and making the information more hands-on afterwards for others.

A very hands-on communicator in terms of ‘so what should we actually do’ -- she assists in reality, the logistic and pragmatic nature of things.

She understands-- what she’s working with (her resource/premise -- the girls/team- long-term ) and then what the immediate command/directions are (prompters). And applying that together in a way that works is what she does best.

Besides this, it’s also interesting to note how Gemini suns are known for their youthfulness, their energy (aura) that gives other people’s strength.

But with the Cancer Moon that talks about wisdom and age-- you have this duality of a person who is both a ‘energetically youthful’ persona as well as a confidante-- someone who is wiser than her looks or her age, and can be reliable/dependable for others when they don’t know what to do.

Dahyun -- if we’re to summarize her Sun/Moon in one word-- is a practical person. She’s pragmatic, in the way she organize, communicate and direct where things/people should go/work/what happens (role in the team).

She has a clear sighted-ness about her-- and a humane level of understanding (discomfort towards certain things) that makes her raise questions/points when she needs to (not a doormat).

Rather than saying she’s overly nice or friendly, chatty or sociable. Her biggest strength is her dependability and reliability. Her emotional security in herself keeps others afloat, and her Gemini Sun engages, moves, works, and direct energy around.

She’s inclusive to everyone around her-- and tries to understand them from a nurturing stand point (like a mother) as well as a communicative stand point (language isn’t a barrier, you can just use gestures/expressions to say what you want)

From then-- she directs information of what to do/where to go, and resolve problems quickly/deftly with communication/mental prowess. So from Cancer Moon -> Gemini Sun, you have this internal intellect that transform into external communication skills.

One thing to note for Gemini/Cancer combination is that they are receptive to their environment and others emotions--- their internal alignment is about keeping control.

Security, stability-- internally. Which is why they’re so good at controlling things externally. BUT because of that need for security/control -- it can also ‘lock’ them inside of themselves.

When other’s emotions are high -- these people may tend to hold themselves back. Locking themselves away from emotionally charged situations, and thus ends up not voicing their opinion/thoughts since they feel they won’t be heard/shouldn’t assert themselves right now.

They’re receptive to other’s energy-- so be aware of how much you actually take in from your environment. You keep your own personal desires locked inside of yourself and may have difficulties voicing them out (Cancer Moon) -- if your environment/group is gloomy, stressed, depressed -- you’re susceptible to the moods of those around you and absorb them into your personal self as well (imprint-able)

You take a while longer to ‘recover’ from these moods than others do -- it’s like if the sea (Cancer) gets contaminated by oil -- it’s hard to scoop/clean it out than it is to contaminate it in the first place.

It’s important to you that you have good, energetic/positive environment around you. That you’re engaged with lighter energy/sources because you ARE susceptible to falling/sinking into ‘heavier/deeper’ ones.

Positivity is something you should discern, curate and edit constantly in your life. Making sure those around you and what you do can influence you for your betterment and not ‘fall’ into the snarky/sassy side that you’re only serving to your detriment.

Your mental strength and emotional well-being relies on these as well, not just your own. Because the environment has much more of a grip on you than you realize.

Thus-- you have to watch out for those who can take advantage of you. Especially since you’re so influenced (more than you realize) -- just the wear and tear of the day drags you down.

And whilst you might not like running away from a problem (Gemini/Cancer -- doesn’t like cowering down, backing away if it feels like it’s disloyalty/unfaithfulness -- stubborn) -- it’s important to realize how your self-esteem is influenced by others, and your vulnerabilities/sensitivity to being picked on or viewed/treated a certain way as well.

If you get backed out by an aggressive comment/lash out, drawing yourself back-- you also tend to be on the receiving end of letting people pile things on top of you.

Whilst you didn’t mean to accommodate other people (which you can do if you let yourself get swept away into it-- even when your Cancer knows it’s not something you want to be doing) --- you let them make decisions for you, because you’ve indirectly censored yourself.

You lose a part of your own confidence and self-affirmation. But this has to do with you rejecting your own emotionality as well--refusing to talk about your own vulnerabilities/feelings, thoughts or desires. Perhaps seeing certain displays of emotions as a ‘weakness’, negatively or just ‘not the right time’.

You brought this down on you-- with preconceived notions/stigmatization of certain emotions yourself that you eventually reject your own internal struggles/externalization becomes harder for you

(Passive aggressiveness can happen, as well as pettiness or grunge that can form because of your own censoring yourself projected onto others as the ‘aggressor’ in this situation).

You evaluate/think about them in private but refuses to talk about them to others/share with others to not ‘look weak’ (unless you can put them into words yourself) -- self-expression is something you do struggle with, more than you realize. Because you may feel things but you never really let yourself embrace them. You overcome emotions, and that’s why expressing them outwards can be harder for you to do.

Learning to affirm yourself without the approval of others, and embracing your emotionality without others/past experience tells you that you shouldn’t (should put on a shell, etc.) for it will help a lot.

Anyways, beSIDES this -- she also has a pretty prominent Sun/Mars conjunct (3′) and Sun/Pluto opposition at 0′06!!!

This is pretty significant, Dahyun gives off a Scorpionic vibe sometimes and it may be because of how tight her Sun/Pluto opposition is (Pluto being in Sagittarius)

In terms of what it does-- this gives a strong desire/drive to the person’s personality. With the Sun symbolizing our core-energy -- having aspects to Pluto pushes us forward externally (moving/getting to where we want regardless of enemies -- can be quite harsh despite not knowing so) along with being confident in ourselves/our ability to demonstrate and manifest thing with our will power (Mars)

Their sense of self is indeed very strong-- at the same time, they are extremely focused on having versatility to their skill-set/repertoire -- as well as a natural curiosity that turns into argumentative nature if they are stimulated/their pride is on the line-- without meaning to be.

They can be quite defensive, quick to put things bluntly and may hurt others without knowing/caring too much. Because we’re talking about Gemini which is flexible and adaptable sign-- sometimes you don’t listen to someone properly and misunderstanding can occur.

Knowing when you’ve hurt someone’s feelings (an apology is needed) with your callousness is crucial, because you may think it’s not necessary but others might not. Your insensitivity (lack of care, carelessness) can be your personal downfall as well.

Because you are naturally popular-- but you don’t know how to maintain or mend relationships when you’re careless/crass -- you discredit your actual positive side (friendliness and helpfulness).

You are clever and witty, but don’t use it as a defensive mechanism (Cancer Moon) to make quick stabs at others. It only serves to discredit you more if you don’t know how to be more thoughtful/caring. You’re an adaptable sign-- so know your own weaknesses and make an effort to fill up/work through your vices.

Taurus Mercury (3rd Decan/Capricorn)

Stubbornness exemplifies-- but also with Taurus in this decan, you tend to be much more of an ‘old soul’ than you realize

Taurusean with Capricorn decans relies heavily on their pragmatic side. Their cooler nature to get them through things, it’s natural to often see things from the bottom -> up. As in-- what’s the ‘base’ of all this and where can we go from here?

It’s not necessarily pessimistic, but more realistically-- where can we start on the low but stable point of the mountain before climbing up?

Finding good footing/grounds is necessary, and often times this comes with humbling/grounding herself with her family or those around her.

In her early childhood-- those who has been with her and have had parts in influenced her morals/views/values (that she now sees as being ‘good/will be useful’) -- are people she sticks with.

There’s always a slight fear of ‘losing the self’ when you’re floated up too high-- and with Taurus Mercury, it can be losing grounds on your own thought, personality and possession as well.

Self-confusion is what turns them topsy turvey (like mooning a cow?? is that the world when they roll over?) -- because they never want to be confused about themselves. So thus why they stick so close to the field/what they know.

Certainty and self-possession is necessary for her-- it gives her autonomy and also directory on what to do, where she goes, how she’ll handle things. It’s a part of ‘knowing yourself’ that Mercury brings-- an area that we interact with a lot in order to figure ourselves/others out.

With Taurus in Mercury she’s often pretty straight-forward, if not a little blunt with her thoughts/opinions. She can sometimes not hold her tongue, or bite it in but she has immense charm/influential voice to make up for it.

Taurus is actually quite a good sign to have in a Mercury because it technically rules the throat-- people who has Taurus Mercury often has melodious voices, and can often very persuasive and make others see/abide by her point of view.

It’s the Ultimate Defense sign-- the immovable object. If she makes up her mind on something or was told to change, she can have a hard time making necessary adjustment

Because her mind (Taurus Mercury) isn’t necessary looking forward to it.

Understanding why she needs to change is hard, adapting to it naturally may be easier for her to just ‘do’ -- but when it comes to ‘thinking’ about the change she reaches a stubborness, drag-feet-along-the-ground that Taurusean can have.

Especially with bigger, more impactful changes. Consequences are something that’s always on their mind whether they realizes it or not.

More so than the change themselves (which they have the best will-power to go through when the time comes)-- it’s thinking about what the change implies, what the consequences are, what they’re losing in terms of their personal self/experiences that makes them wait back a bit.

Taurus as a fixed/earth signs are quite impressionable. They’re rather romantic-- often times clinging to their sense of self, the sensory experiences they have.

They can be quite sentimental since they’re a very sensual/sensory sign-- sometimes refusing to throw things away for the memory/values it has to them.

Often times, a Taurus’s emotionality runs deep (and so does their thought-- deep thinker) and expressing that outwards can be quite hard if they weren’t nurtured in an openly affectionate environment.

Even when it’s GOOD to express these outwards, they can sometimes ‘give up’ on communicating things if they’re too ‘dragged down’ by their own stressors.

Eventually-- you’ll have to watch that they CAN make positive changes for themselves and not use their own stubbornness against themselves. As in-- they SHOULDN’T be so stressed/stagnant in a situation/confrontation they have to do that they just avoid it completely.

They’re a rather indulgence sign-- so when they’re avoiding something (denial) they really go full on into ‘lazy mode’ with it. Sometimes even cancelling stuff in order to take care of their own ‘well-being’ -- even if those well-being are because they brought this onto themselves and are just avoiding something else.

A Taurus Mind is often deep ravine with a lot of scenic flowers and growth that they nurtured there-- but getting to that place and getting them to move out of their own comfortability safe space can be quite hard.

They’re opinionated even if they don’t necessarily say it. Inflexible with their own morals/values/thinking. Sometimes ‘in their own ways’ -- it’s nearly impossible to get a Taurus to move unless they make those choices themselves. Thus why development sometimes can be slower for them than most.

These Taurusean Mercury are rather soft-hearted however, they are persuasive and Venusian. So there’s always that sensuality to them that allows them to charm the pants off others without making any changes themselves.

Dahyun relies a lot more on instinctive level feedback -- common sense in a way, whether it’s actually sensory, developed values or how she was nurtured. Learning for these Taurus Mercury (and how they communicate/think) is often dictated by simplicity and managing themselves for their own optimal path (make their own paths).

Aries Venus (3rd Decan/Sagittarius) Gemini Mars

This is prime Aries Venus example skdjnskjks with Gemini into the mix as well -- this makes for quite an upfront person, often times if you ‘overthink’ it it becomes a Taurus territory (and slows her down considerably)

But if she just DO THINGS without thinking about them, she can actually be very direct, forward and Daring. It’s only when she has to think or slow down-- that it becomes ‘well how do I explain this?’ (Taurus Mercury wants to be as deliberate and come across as charming as possible, not crass or ‘too much’)

So you can see how she has this side-- the Aries/Gemini that’s quite meme-y (reactionary) and ‘yeah let’s do it!’ (pioneer attitude) while her Taurus/Cancer is more of the conservative ‘oh god what did I do’ attitude.

Let’s be clear-- she DOES like challenges, but she likes challenges that doesn’t make her think too much into herself/her own flaws and introspects. She likes things that allows her to expand herself, escape a part of herself and move forward into discovering her own versatility.

With Aries Venus-- she often likes new and exciting premise/concepts, passionate, something she can fall forward into and ‘start up/can do’ about it.

She’s quite enterprising-- so areas like business endeavors can be interesting/good for her too

She’s independent, but at the same time forward-driven and wants to be forward thinking. She has a strong sense of conservative/traditionalism to her though (Taurus/Cancer) that can stop her from fully embracing this pioneer attitude she likes--- but she does her best to exemplify this general ‘can do’ attitude in her self-expression anyways, regardless of how she might feel about it later/in private.

‘If you don’t try it, then how will you know?’ -- is the main attitude Aries/Gemini has. At the same time, she only tries if she knows the consequences aren’t big or as impactful as she thinks they are.

Her Taurus Mercury is calculative and her Cancer Moon is cautious-- they won’t let her get away with doing something that will make her fall/feel the rug pulled under her (Sun/Pluto aspect) -- she takes calculated risks, but in a way-- it’s less thought-out and more instinctual/intuitive/sensual risks.

Her common sense guides her (Moon/Venus)-- and this Aries/Gemini is the crass side to her that’s ‘less thinking more doing’

This makes her playful -- and at the same time, quite professional. Aries Venus isn’t just about having fun, it’s about working hard too. As a Martian sign in a Venus placement-- these people want to be taken seriously (in a professional setting, respected for their own strength/work ethic)

There’s no room for ‘playing around’ that can lead to others making snide comments about them or pitying them-- there’s no back-handed-ness here.

Aries Venus pulls their all into what they do-- whether it’s work or play, they want to be direct because they give the same energy back. If you have a problem with the way they self-express, then say it to their face or prove them wrong.

Aries is the ram -- that’s some staying power right there. While they’re also soft and fluffy (innocent, charming, playful and fun-loving) they can also butt you again and again if you aggravate them too much.

Sometimes immediately-- if her self-expression is questioned/threatened, she can jump into the defense and ask them to sort things out right then and there.

Aries as a fire/cardinal sign-- doesn’t like dragging things for too long. They’d rather get the process done and over, so they can move onto other things.

This applies to themselves as well-- and how they treat their process/growth. They don’t wait for stagnancy-- they want to see changes immediately and now.

They want to do things, or make those happen. If they have to facilitate or DO something FOR it (to deserve it) then they will. If it’s necessary to make the changes they want to see-- then they’ll do it (action-oriented).

Combine this with her Gemini Mars--- there’s a lot of ‘freshness’ to her personality/what she attracts. In a way-- Dahyun is like ‘you attract what energy you gives out’

Even if she’s not all sunshine and rainbows-- she knows that if she put this energy forward (’this is what I like’) she’ll gain them back. Sagittarius sometimes do this too-- but more consciously, Aries tend to do this.

Because her Venus/Saturn is conjunct-- she’s often someone who embarks on her own project, as in she already has a plan formed in mind. Sometimes she can be a little old-fashioned (yes, Aries can be like that) but that’s because she sees it in terms of principality.

Is she following a principle -- rather than a reason/motivation to do it, it’s the matter of ‘following things through/proving that she can do it’ that matters the most. You can say it’s prideful-- but it’s also very dutiful and respectful of others. This is a part of her that is very personal-justice inclined. Unlike Libra who can be very wishy-washy in this regard-- if SHE feels like this is personal justice, she WILL deal it out herself.

Nobody else can really tell her what to do, since she already has her mind set on what she wants to achieve. This is on her.

She also has her Venus/Neptune square-- which can lead to a little bit of self-expressing problem when you take into consideration her Venus/Saturn from before. With Venus/Saturn is prudent, stable and restrictive. Doing as much as what is acceptable, and being accepted socially for that (as a unit) as well.

Whilst Venus/Neptune is like yearning-- yearning to be more, feel more. Sometimes even a little bit of an angst streak about fantasizing/let yourself be swept up in something and then getting second hand embarrassment because of it.

Reality doesn’t always align with our thoughts/fantasies-- even when we’re super convinced that it’s reliable. There’s always a part of her that pulls back or restrict her (Venus/Saturn conjunct) - she ‘knows’ better than to let herself get too attached, too close and too vulnerable/believe in those fantasies.

Besides this-- her other vice is that her Gemini Mars keeps her restless. Just like her Sun-- what she expels is energetic. Thus she may feel more tired than others, exhaustions from doing nothing is common in Gemini placements.

You’d think being an active air sign they’ll be active physically-- but it’s more like they’re active mentally. Physicality (or lack thereof) exhausts them. Thus why when they need to ‘exhaust themselves energetically’ (energy is not created, but has to travel through things to lose/gain) they become much more verbally communicative.

This is her chatty side-- the part that talks and entertains. This is her Gemini Mars-- also conjunct to her Sun (truthful/honest) that she uses to expels her internal energy outwards.

Using her hands can be common especially with mutable placements in mars (gestures) as well as Aries/fire placements when they’re fired up. Since she has both-- when she’s excited or worked up about something she becomes animated and expressive.

Because Gemini Mars is quite scattered--- multi-tasking or spreading themselves over activities is usually the way they go about things.

Focusing too much onto one particular thing often comes out with them losing focus, concentration or motivation to do it. Sometimes, they can drop the project and ghost if they suddenly don’t want to (isn’t supported/doing it with a friend)

What’s cool to note is that she has a Mars/Pluto opposition here as well -- just like her Sun/Pluto -- sometimes Dahyun comes across as forceful in her command/will.

She has a strong pride/ego associated-- might sometimes think she knows better than others (without like-- the holier than thou thing Capricorn/Aquarius has) because she’s trying to communicate her thinking across and gets impatient/brash when others don’t get it.

Watch out for her behaviour since it can cause distress on her ties-- she’s alot more moodier than she realizes, and with her forcefulness-- sometimes she can be careless and uncaring of the consequence ( ‘whats done is done this is just me’ ) -- maturity is needed, because you can’t just be wise and think you have the development to back it up when you don’t. You need to learn, grow and earn it as well. That’s why we’re living in this game called life (uh)

Another cool thing (last one I promise) is that she has her Mars/Neptune trine -- this is often a good indication of someone who de-stresses by being in water, around water, or going away on water.

The sea in particular may be good for her-- since her Moon is also ruled by Cancer. But more so because we can see it quite clearly in this Mars trine Neptune -- the anxiety and mental energy that Gemini carries are hard-balled by Aquarius Neptune

Conclusion

There’s more to be said about Sun/Mars conjunction in Gemini -- in this she is naturally competitive but in a way that’s encouraging/motivating to others as well.

She’s naturally self-empowering, despite her Moon being unaspected.

Dahyun’s gentle and welcoming, but she’s also someone who isn’t easily intimidated by things.

She knows her self well--- what she doesn’t like, what she does.

Sometimes she can be stubborn with these opinions -- but with the Gemini Sun/Mars -- she can often find her way through overcoming her own stubbornness if necessary (Saturn in Aries -- needs moderating)

Intimacy is something that she may struggle with concerning her placements/signs-- although she’s effable and friendly, she doesn’t really open up easily to others.

Others open up to HER because of how welcoming and dependable she is, but in terms of whether or not she relies on others/shares herself with others-- sometimes she has a harder time than others doing so.

I’d say out of all the members (so far) it’s Dahyun, Jihyo and Sana who points more to being dependable FOR others and thus doesn’t open up much/let others get to know them intimately.

It’s the Aquarius, Gemini/Aries and Sagittarius side that doesn’t necessarily like ‘deep’ feelings. Or rather-- they do have them, they just don’t like ‘sharing/expelling’ them outwards (different kind of fears/motivation for that though).

To further talk about Sun/Pluto opposition -- she can be quite harsh on herself especially her accomplishment/effort.

Things don’t seem to be ‘enough’ -- and she’s constantly looking to find more opportunities (Gemini/Sagittarius) to better/expand herself more and become more self-dependent as well.

Although she can be quite sensual and sentimental when she wants to be -- she doesn’t necessarily find it easy to ‘exert’ herself more than the Gemini/Aries kind. Often times it’s quick, momentary releases. Not prolonged self-exposure because her mutable qualities can tire out easily.

Another thing to note is her Mars/Pluto that we didn’t talk in details yet-- negativity and criticizing (obsessing over mistakes) can be common in this aspect. Particularly when it comes to finding ‘obstacles’ in their path -- they can sometimes looking for them even when they don’t have any.

Letting things go, learning that people can change/evolve and learning how to not get so caught up in instances/moments (and tunnel-visioning into them) is something these people will have to do in order to get out of this negative scape.

They can sometimes be possessive without meaning to be-- particularly a ‘do or die’ attitude towards certain things. Learn that certain intimidation and ‘ultimatum’ isn’t necessarily granting you ‘power’ like you desire (Pluto always desire power) -- rather, you need to stop deluding yourself into thinking that you’re gaining something you want, because it won’t give you any satisfaction (and you become stuck in a cycle of self-destruction if you do).

With Dahyun who also has Jupiter in Pisces and Saturn/Neptune square --- her self-confidence can sometimes stem from self-consciousness and insecurities. Just like how imaginative she is/what she hopes wishes for the future-- sometimes she can be scared of getting that pulled from underneath her, what her reality is.

Confronting her actual restriction/limitation and what she doesn’t like in a situation is hard-- she may often bury herself in order to ‘delude’ into thinking she’s content/happy in whatever situation she’s placed in--- if she doesn’t learn how to voice and accept her own emotions/thoughts.

She compensates with her Aries sometimes--- the confidence, invulnerable armor that she wears (fearlessness, strong, dependable) but she’ll also have to confront her vulnerabilities and emotions if she doesn’t want to be dragged down by them as well (Saturn in Aries-- so she’ll have to confront it eventually)

Alrighty! 💜 That’s it for Dahyun!! 💜💜 She has much more of a mysterious scorpionic charm than we realize because of those strong Sun and Mars opposition to Pluto 💜💜 I hope this reading gives you more things to love her by! 💜 Another perspective to think about/understand yourself with perhaps! 💜

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mikeyd1986 · 5 years

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MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 160, June 2019

On Queen’s Birthday Public Holiday, I had a few plans on how to spend my day off as my usual appointment and Creative Writing class weren’t on today due to the public holiday. However, I did none of them. I literally had minimal energy and motivation to do much of anything. Part of me felt like I was wasting my day away but I honestly think I needed the day to slow down and recover at home. There’s nothing wrong with having a lazy day sometimes.

On Queen’s Birthday night, I attended my Boxing class at CinFull Fitness in Narre Warren South. If I achieved nothing else, at least I took myself out of the house for this class. It’s actually amazing what exercise can do for you not just physically but mentally and emotionally too. I think I’ve spent far too long wanting to fit in within a gym environment that now I’m learning to simply embrace myself good and bad. Like being introverted and not saying much, these things don’t make me a bad person but a different person.

Tonight I tried hard not to get caught up in my head as much, to not overthink or worry about what’s happening around me. From being the outsider looking in to actually “feeling” like I’m a part of this group has been a slow transition but I’m getting there. It’s true that I put far too much pressure on myself to be socially included in groups such as these but I can’t help it. I just need to simply be mindful and focus on the moment. Time to pull myself out of this black hole of depression and get myself better again.

It was another challenging yet fun workout with lots of drills, combos and partner work plus a few rounds of doing squat presses and push ups (20 seconds on, 10 seconds off) which were a killer. Struggling during a movement and being profusely sweaty are also things that I’m learning to accept because that implies I’m trying very hard. I may not hit as powerfully as some of the others but that really doesn’t matter. It’s important to focus on my own technique and my own workout. I’m not Muhammad Ali, nor do I need to be.

On Tuesday morning, I went to see Dr. David Tai Kie at First Health Medical Centre Casey Central to discuss the results from my sleep study. He printed out a two-page report with lots of charts and graphs on it. I got the following results:

Epworth Sleepiness Scale score: 11 (mild excessive daytime sleepiness)

Time available for sleep (lights out) = 505 minutes or 8.41 hours Total Sleep: 266 minutes or 4.43 hours Total time awake during sleep period: 138 minutes or 2.3 hours Sleep Latency: 99 minutes or 1.65 hours REM Latency: 338 minutes or 5.63 hours Sleep Efficiency: 52.7% Total Arousals: 4.7 Total Snores: 14.9

They also provided the following summary and recommendations: Sleep efficiency was reduced at 52.7% and sleep latency was prolonged, in keeping with patient’s known history of insomnia. Only one brief period of REM sleep occurred towards the end of the sleep study. There was no significant snoring nor OSA present, although sleep occurred predominantly in non-supine positions and results may be underestimated. For follow-up with private sleep physician. https://www.philips.com.au/healthcare/consumer/sleep-apnea/diagnosis/understanding-results

My next step would be to follow up with my psychiatrist Dr. Ricardo Peralta and possibly another sleep physician such as Dr. Joy Sha who conducted the study. Hopefully with these results I can get some useful advice and recommendations in order to improve my sleep.

On Thursday morning, I went to a Body Pump class with Natalie Blanch at YMCA Casey RACE in Cranbourne East. Today was my first time using the new Les Mills Smartbar. For some reason, I always seem to associate anything that’s new and unfamiliar with being daunted and uncertain. But these bars were actually fairly straight forward to use. The square-shaped weight plates literally slide and click into place on the ends and can easily be released and changed over by pulling the red-release button. https://www.lesmills.com.au/sites/all/files/pdf/Smart-Tech-Brochure.pdf

Today we ended up doing release number 95 which features tracks such as Outside by Calvin Harris featuring Ellie Goulding, Uptown Funk by Mark Ronson featuring Bruno Mars, Irresistible by Fall Out Boy, I Am Machine by Three Days Grace and Sugar by Maroon 5. A very tough and challenging release especially with the Lunges, Overhead Power Presses, Tricep Dips and Push-ups plus very quick transitions between exercises. No wonder I was feeling sore and exhausted by the time we got up to the core track. I was literally ready to collapse. But as always, Nat made the class fun and entertaining which made it all worth it. https://mybodypumpjourney.wordpress.com/tag/body-pump-95-tracklist/

“So when the sun is coming up and you go. And there's still so many things you don't know. Don't you look back, I've no doubt that I will see you on the road.. When the world's laying you low. Why don't you let me carry your load? When things get bad you know you have a friend. All along the road.” Keane - On The Road (2012)

“And everyone else has got things sorted out. You stand on the edge talking to yourself. Yeah you're left behind, all tangled up inside. And it's the voices in your head now. Saying there's something wrong about the way I feel. A broken link, a missing part, a punctured wheel.” Keane - The Way I Feel (2019)

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seasonlife-blog1 · 6 years

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#SEASONLIFE Don'ts and what you should do instead.(part I)

Ofcours everybody lives their life in different ways and there is no set way. There is no written guide how to live the perfect live and I will certainly not pretend to be making one. In my past experiences I have seen certain things and attidus that work and some that don't. Some are always working others are guaranteed to give you missery and send you home crying in week 3 of your season. I am currently joined by 3 people who will for the first time ever be longer from home than they have ever been. I will try to give them the right advice to spare them the heart aches I had to endure in my first season. That same advice I will try to put down here.

This first part will be all about arriving on season and the mindset you need to get over the initial shock of this world changing experience.

I) DON'T: Think you will be living in paradise!

First and foremost, everything can be put into perspective. So does that wonderfull view you have of your last summer holiday experience. Remember that view of you sitting by a pool, sipping your cocktail while barbequeing yourself like a roasted pig? If you think that your season is going to be that scenario every day of the week, I have one thing to tell you.

Hahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaa... NO!

Yes, 9 out of 10 you will be set in an idyllic place. A fancy 5 star resort on a tropical island somewhere in the Meditaranean sea or one of those bouncing holiday places on the Spanish mainland where every day is a party. But what most people forget when they first venture out to season is that they are there to work, not to relax. Yes there will be a lot of swimming, sunbathing and relaxing done. Just not by you. You will be the idiot running around the hotel or bar working your ass in a sweat to deserve one small day off in the week. So you can exactly do that, sunbathing for as long as your skin can take it. This realisation is one big kick in the ballsack and makes most people break down into tears in their first week of work. You get to learn a whole new side of this dreamlike invironment. The early shifts or late nights are deadly at first. The stress backstage and how hot it actually is when you are not allowed to jump in the pool. Most of all seeing people laying on their ass all day whyle you are barely have energy left to breath is really emotionally tough. So what do you do to prevent yourself from becomming a little pile of missery in your first week?

DO:

First of all you need a healthy dose of realisme. You need to know that you will be working hard and long hours. But you also need realise where you will be doing this job. That you are one of the few lucky people that will not only have (mostly) amazing weather, but also incredible views, beautiful nature, an interesting culture, etc... Realise that normally you would be sitting behind a desk from 9 to 5 and having your breakes in a cold cantina somewhere. While right now you 2 hour mid-day break will concist of you quickly eating whatever you can and making the most of it at the local poolbar or beach. I know where I would rather be. When you keep this in mind, season doesn't seem so bad anymore. Which brings me to my second point

II) DO: Seize opportunity!

Under no circumstance should you be in your room, by yourself, other than for sleeping. You can watch your series and movies back home, or keep them for that one rainy day in the season. You have a two hour break? Go to the beach. You were done early with an activity, go quickly outside of work to have a short walk or grab a coffee before you need to start again. Are you having a late start the next day? You go out in the evening! You don't necceserally have to indulge in a night of questionable activies at the local barstrip, that is ofcourse always an option. You can also just go for a relaxing walk on the beach. Go watch the stars. Go to that duo singing in the local pub. Or have a night at the house with your colleagues. In short seize every little oppertunity you have to make the most out of your season. It is done before you know it.

DON'T: Stay in your room or workplace for longer than neccesary.

What you in no circumstances should do is just stay at home or stay anywhere near your work on your breaks or days off. If possible leave that place and go out, if not, go to a place where you can be away of all the commotion and stress from work. I used to be in a hotel that was in the middle of nowhere. The first thing on my to do list was a place to find for myself other than my room. The walls of your work invironment will come closing in very fast if you do not do this. Your season is shorter than you think, use every little moment you have to experience your life here to the fullest. If for you that means chilling at the beach or in your garden, good. Do you like having a quick drink or a stroll to the market, good. Just don't stay in your room by yourself. Like stated before, the only excuse is sleep, actual sleep! Don't give me that bullshit excuse of "I am tired and just need to chill and watch a movie". First of all, you can watch that movie later. Second, you can rest when you are death. Yes you will be tired, yes that second shift is going to be a bitch. But you can either go out and rest on the beach or bite your teeth and do something fun. Trust me, you will feel way more happy than you would just staying home.

III) DON'T: Think you will be living the same life as you did back home.

Not only are you in another country or place, you are also in another culture. You are not home anymore, where you know everything and everyone. You start from zero. What you think should be standard in every household back home, might not be so where you end up. You live will change drasticly. Not only the material aspect, but also the mental aspect. To every different culture there is a different way of thinking and a different way of living. Especially on season life. Don't think back about how life was back home, you left that behind. The sooner you get this in your head, the easier it is to become open to change.

DO: Be open to change and stay openminded.

This is closely connected to what I said earlier, seizing oppertunity. You might not have the same comfort as you had back home and you migth have a completely different schedule than you had before. Even the fact that you will be eating different kinds of food takes its toll on your body. In my experience, the heaviest thing is changing from a 9 to 5 day routine, to changing shifts. Late nights are followed by early mornings and long days. It takes time for your body to adapt to this. The first month is gruesome. 80 percent of the time you will feel exhausted and tired. Give your body time to adapt. But don't let this stop you from doing all the fun stuff. Bite your teeth, suck it up and push through. If you stay back home in your room you will have a combo of tiredness and lonelyness, recipe for depression is what I call that. Having fun gives you new energy. After a heavy work shift, go to that bar, even if it is for one drink. Go to the beach, even if it is just for 30 minutes. The fact that you did something will give you a good fun feeling. That will give you again energy for the next day. Before you know it, you will be adapted to this ritme of eat, sleep, rave, repeat. The first thing people often notice about a person coming back from season, is that they have become a bomb of energy. You can do more than you think and your body certainly can handle more than you think. Try new things, connect to the locals, learn about where you are. This all helps to connect to this place that you now call home.

#seasonlife #doesanddonts part1 #sharingastory #livingabroad

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mikeyd1986 · 7 years

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MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 57, June 2017

On Monday, Mum and I attended the Mind Body Spirit Festival as we both had the Queen’s Birthday public holiday off. We ended up driving into the city which turned out to be a very costly decision as we were hit with a $40 parking fee. Driving through the city is something I usually avoid like the plague as my stress levels reach unbearable heights and it’s honestly not worth it. It’s also very unforgiving as we quickly found out after being in the wrong lane and missing the street we had to turn down. But after turning back around, we eventually made it down to the Melbourne Convention and Exhibition Centre (MCEC).

I’ve been to this particular festival about four or five times now. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to the crowds or the pushy salespeople but at least I’ve learned ways to cope with both of these things. We started by having a meditation session at Brahma Kumaris Centre for Spiritual Learning, The Peninsula which I nearly dozed off in but felt really good. The host told us that we don’t have to be chanting on the top of a mountain wearing orange in order to meditation. All you have to do is stop and look inside yourself. http://www.bkpeninsula.org.au/event...

We listened to Kathy Ashton at the Soul Kitchen cooking stage who talked about foods that can heal your gut including onions and cold white potatoes. Apparently the resistant starch contained in the potato helps to slow the absorption rate in the small intestine which in turn reduces food intake and aids weight loss. As for the onion, if you remove the inner core section, this will help to prevent the feeling of bloating and having “onion breath”. http://www.livestrong.com/article/3...

Next we visited the White Light Publishing House & Book Shop stand which my workmate Nicky Stokes is now associated with after having her book The Journey published through them. I had a good chat with a couple of the ladies there and even picked up a book called Journey of a Lightworker for $10. https://www.whitelightuniversal.com.au/...

At the performance stage, we saw a Native American Indian named Red Horse doing some tribal dancing and playing a variety of instruments from drums to flutes. He was trying to sell copper bracelets that claim to heal painful joints and other health issues but I took it with a grain of salt. He also talked about his belief in “The Creator” aka God and how it’s related to his tribal dances and being healed via sound energy. http://www.healthline.com/health-sl...

Of course part of my brain thought that his claims were utter horse shit (pardon the pun) but I was still open minded enough to listen to what he had to say. I’m not a true believer in all things spiritual but if it helps me make me feel more positive about life and myself, then I’m all for it. https://www.nativeamerican.com.au/i...

Overall, it was very overwhelming seeing so many stalls, seminars, cooking segments, psychic readings, massages and workshops all happening. We didn’t even see half of it because I felt so drained and exhausted after just three hours. I’m not really a fan of spending all day at a convention but I pretty much saw what I wanted to see and I grabbed a few flyers and entered some competitions along the way. http://www.mbsfestival.com.au/melbo...

On Tuesday morning, I had my Strength Training session with Luke Davey at Breakaway Fitness in Berwick. Typically, my brain was ready to sprout some more anxious thoughts but I decided to speak my mind with Luke today. The biggest worry that I have right now is that I’m not like the others. I don’t have a large ego, I’m not extroverted, I’m not obsessed with Crossfit training, making personal bests and attending competitions, I don’t wear designer workout wear and socially I don’t really fit in.

But I have to remind myself...Is it more important to change myself to be like the others or to continue being myself? Answer: Obviously the latter! It’s more just accepting it and trying to be okay with it. I have to start to believe that there’s nothing wrong with having differences in personality, ego and interests. The “Comparing myself to others” tape isn’t helpful for me at all. I need to focus on myself and my own training. Embrace who I am as a person.

I tend to keep to myself a lot at UFT PLAYgrounds, taking in the training facility around me and waiting patiently for my session with Luke to start. I generally don’t put myself out there socially especially if the trainers and coaches are busy with their clients. I obviously don’t want to bother them. But my shyness can dominate my personality a lot, leading me to hesitate and hold back. I can be really tough for me to make conversation.

The positives are that trainers and coaches do say hi to me and try to make me feel welcome in the UFT PLAYgrounds environment. My personal trainer is actively engaged in my sessions and wants the best for me in terms of achieving my fitness goals. There’s no sign on the door saying “No introverts with severe mental illness allowed”. If that were the case, then I’d simply go elsewhere. I deserve to be here. https://www.facebook.com/breakawayf...

WARM-UP...Today I did my usual forward fold stretches over the box, 3 rounds of 90 weighted squat holds and 3 rounds of 15 weighted glute bridges. I’m certainly improving in all of these movements both in terms of strength and flexibility.

DEVELOPMENT...Back to the dreaded weighted back squats. Honestly, it wasn’t anywhere near as bad as the 15 EMOTM workout that I did last time but in terms of weight, it was still tough. I did 5 rounds of eight 60kg back squats. I was trying hard focus on getting my form and technique right and not try to stress about the weight too much. I did have a few moments where my brain went into panic mode (What if I can’t lift the next rep? What if I mess it up?) but I was just being hard on myself as usual. It wasn’t perfect but I was happy that I got through my reps without dropping the bar.

WORK-OUT...Today I learned a new technique and movement, having to lift and carry a 45kg dead ball (Strongman). The hardest part was getting my grip right and managing to hold it without the ball slipping out of my hands. I then had to hold it up for 15 seconds before carrying it a distance of 20m. I dropped it a couple of times and I felt a little embarrassed but I didn’t give up. I managed to complete four rounds, walking 20m each time, which was a pretty big achievement for my first time doing it.

On Tuesday night, I went to my Body Combat class with Cinamon Guerin at YMCA Casey ARC in Narre Warren. The new release has been out for a week now and tonight was my first time experiencing it. Boy was it tough. The middle tracks were easily the hardest for me which involved 4 rounds of mountain climbers and push ups on the foam mat. We also had to do quick lunge jumps which changed direction very quickly. But as always I slowed down when I had to and reminded myself that I’m doing my best. It doesn’t matter how uncoordinated I am or if I mess up a combo, at least I’m trying. http://w3.lesmills.com/israel/en/cl...

On Thursday afternoon, I decided to catch up with Mandi Herauville at Gloria Jean’s Coffees in Berwick. It’s hard to believe that this was the first time meeting in the flesh. I’ve known Mandi since last year as she formally trained at UFT PLAYgrounds and now she’s recently opened up her own gym and PT business at The Yard Strength & Fitness. The thing I really love about Mandi is that she gets what I’m going through mentally and emotionally. She is also blunt and brutally honest which is something I need more of in my life.

The time just flew by as we chatted about our experiences at the gym, doing Crossfit training, dealing with parents and family members, wondering what to do with our lives and talking about our mental illnesses. Two hours later...but seriously I really needed this catch up today. My social life has been so empty lately and I’m glad that I had to opportunity to vent about my personal problems and have a laugh about it. It’s much healthier than keeping it all bottled up inside and being too proud to open the flood gates. I trust Mandi enough to do so.

On Thursday night, I had my second Strength Training session with Luke Davey at Breakaway Fitness. Tonight I was trying harder than usual to think positive and let any expectations go. Easier said than done of course. I pre-ordered my new UFT hoodie from the front desk. In some ways, I hope that it’ll make me feel more part of the community because recently I’ve felt rather disconnected. But tonight’s big mantra for me was Focus On The Positives. These included having brief but significant interactions with some of the PT’s and coaches and feeling better about my performance overall.

WARM-UP...Tonight’s warm-up routine was a bit different than usual. I had to do 3 rounds of 10 “Good Mornings” which are essentially stretches into the lower back, hamstrings and posterior with the bar in a back squat position. It was a little tricky getting the body movements correct but I got there eventually.

DEVELOPMENT...Here I did 5 rounds of 12 deadlifts at 65kg. I felt much more focused than last time and I even learned to touch-and-go which is essentially doing continuous reps. I was pretty tough especially around the 8th or 9th rep and I had to drop the bar a couple of times to recover and re-adjust my posture but otherwise I did really well.

WORK-OUT...Tonight I had to do a pre-programmed workout on the rowing machine which involved 9 rounds, one minute and forty seconds each with a 20 second rest in between. The hardest part for me was keeping my pace consistent at around 700-750. I had a two minute rest after the 5th round and by the last round, I really went for it. I kept those positive mantras flowing (I am enough, I am a champion, I am strong), hitting over 900 at some points.

I tried really hard to not let the exterior conversations bother me. The topics of conversation being around Crossfit competitions, Instagram posts and going out to the movies tonight. It’s tough fitting in when you can’t even relate to the conversations and therefore can’t contribute to them. But at the same time, there’s nothing wrong with not having much to say.

During my recovery walk with Luke outside, I decided to open up to him about what was on my mind. Being jealous of the friendships and social connections within the UFT community was what was really bothering me deep down inside. But overall it’s a combination of: a) being too hard on myself b) having unrealistic expectations c) not fitting in with friends at high school d) being socially under-developed since childhood e) the physical absence of my Dad.

Thankfully Luke understands and was trying hard to encourage me. The fact is that I’d rather be myself than be fake and try to be something I’m not. It doesn’t matter if I’m not everyone’s best friend at UFT. It doesn’t even matter if I don’t talk to everyone at UFT. The fact that I’m there, giving it a go and trying hard to expose myself socially is a massive accomplishment and I need to remind myself of that.

On Friday morning, I had an appointment with my support worker Ally at Colourfield Cafe Casey Central. My financial issues quickly resurfaced after I decided to check my credit card statement online this morning. I’m still only halfway to achieving my goal and it’s been over two months. In that moment, I felt really embarrassed that I hadn’t paid my credit card off yet for various reasons. Dealing with unexpected setbacks, having the occasional splurge on band merch, coffees and food and all the fitness classes have all contributed to this debt.

The good news is that at least I have gone back to square one and maxed my credit card out again so that’s a positive. Now I just need to re-assess my goal and how to achieve it. I’m obviously going to need more time to pay it off completely and I’m going to have to be more disciplined and aware of my spending habits. I haven’t failed yet. Far from it. I’m still determined to overcome this burden of mine and accomplish this goal.

Ally and I also discussed challenging my thoughts in social situations and learning to be more assertive, specifically whenever I feel like leaving and saying goodbye to people. I’m particularly nervous about tomorrow night’s UFT dinner catch-up as I only know a handful of people and I don’t want to feel socially excluded, left out or bored. But at least I’ve got some strategies that I can use to cope and get through the potential anxiety and awkwardness of being in this social group.

On Friday night, I attended a Slow Flow yoga class with Rachel Camilleri at Now, Yoga.. Sadly, I haven’t been to one of Rachel’s classes in months but her style is quite a bit more intense compared to Keren and Kim. That’s no necessarily a bad thing though, it just means I warm up quicker and sweat more often. Rachel has a wonderful, quirky sense of humour and allows us students to slowly explore each pose. We did several different flowing sequences including:

Flowing Sequence 1...Standing forward bend, half-lift, downward facing dog, plank, cobra.

Flowing Sequence 2...Downward facing dog, three-legged dog, low lunge, ninja, open twist.

Flowing Sequence 3...Downward facing dog, three-legged dog, high lunge, warrior 2, reverse warrior, open twist.

Stretches...Butterfly pose, single leg forward fold, wide legged forward fold.

“When the world’s laying you low. Why don’t you let me carry your load? When things get bad, you know you’ve got a friend. All along the road.” Keane - On The Road (2012)

“And straining at the least you’d be a better man. But each time I try to climb I start sliding. Some days I think someone's trying to keep me down. But no it's just my own fear that I'm fighting. I feel knocked down but I won't be broken, I won't be broken.” Keane - Won’t Be Broken (2013)

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