#i am completely self-taught in analyzing texts AND have not done so for a grade in five years

[alysharichardss]

Personal Writing Philosophy

     In elementary school, writing was my escape. I often wrote short-stories in the genre of horror. As I grew, writing in school became less focused on my own free train of thought, and more so focused on reading and response assignments that did not interest me. Writing which was once my passion, became a burden to me… until my first semester at St. John’s. 

     First Year Writing has been a journey filled with academic growth. Through writing about race and gender issues that hold significance, this course brought me back to my passion. The first few weeks of class were different than any learning environment I’d been in before, as I knew they would be. There was more expected of me, of all of us as college freshman. I wouldn’t be able to just “breeze by” so to speak as I had in the past. However, with more being expected of me I knew I’d have to work harder. With that being said, I believe I have done my best to attain all of the learning outcomes/goals of First Year Writing. 

     One goal that truly illustrates my personal journey in this course is course goal 6. “Build cross-cultural connections and relationships with others to solve problems collaboratively and strengthen independent thought. “ Our class is very diverse as each of us have different backgrounds. Through peer reviews, I worked with individuals who have different cultures and who thought differently than I. We worked collaboratively, developing relationships even friendships in order to give each other feedback on our work. In peer reviews we were often given criteria to analyze a fellow student’s work on. We would exchange suggestions based on this. Personally, reading another individuals work and giving them suggestions, and receiving feedback on mine based upon how we would be graded allowed me to strengthen my own thought process and rethink what I had done in my work. More specifically in our race and identity essays, I wrote a letter to another student in regards to source introduction. I stated, “...in your first body paragraph when you presented your source you did identify it before proceeding with evidence. In your fourth body paragraph you began describing the incident at the University of New Hampshire before identifying or summarizing your source...I believe the first time a source is mentioned we are supposed to identify it. My only suggestion is that you revisit that paragraph.” giving my peer suggestions, helped me solve potential problems within their work as well as my own. In addition, I was able to strengthen my independent thought through a peer review in which we read our essays out loud. A students stance on use of a racial slur was read aloud from their essay that I personally did not agree with. I considered their perspective, and in doing so I was able to strengthen how I thought through hearing them out and discussing their stance with them.

     Another course goal that best illustrates my journey this semester is course goal #1. “Recognize that writing is a social activity, a matter of experimenting with the rhetorical conventions of different genres and negotiating the expectations of audiences.” Throughout this year we have had to work collaboratively like a society through blackboard and text discussions, as well as peer reviews. For my Gender and Identity/argumentative essay I wrote on an extremely controversial topic, surrounding heteronormativity, gender roles, and gender identity. The idea that you never know who will read your paper is something I learned early on in FYW, which helped me to realize writing is a social activity. Similarly to in society, not everyone will share the same opinion/stance on an issue. For our argumentative essays, I had to provide a counterclaim in order to “negotiate” the expectation of an audience on a controversial topic. I had to recognize that not everyone would agree with my writing and in order to be rhetorical or persuasive I’d have to not only invalidate, but acknowledge an opposing stance. In my counterclaim paragraph in my Gender and Identity essay, I conveyed my understanding of course goal #6 when I stated, “The author is correct in a sense. “Gender ideologies” of any sort can influence the lives of someone just beginning to, or struggling with the understanding of their identity. However, Anderson's statement regarding an individuals ‘self-understanding is flawed.” I went on to explain why Anderson’s stance, which happens to be similar to most, is not wrong but has a flaw. In doing so, I experimented with a rhetorical convention of the argumentative genre, and negotiated the expectation I had of my audience, which was that many of them would not necessarily agree with my argument. Furthermore, I wrote two narratives and completed a research project, this semester. experimenting with these different genres allowed me to try out different forms of evidence and language.

In addition to course goal six and one, I found that course goal 5 itself was essential to me in this course from beginning to end. “Demonstrate the ability to locate, critically evaluate, and employ a variety of sources for a range of purposes.” Through use of blackboard, I located articles provided to us surrounding race and gender issues such as sexism, diverse gender identities, the use of the “N” word, as well as articles meant for guidance on our writing, this was done weekly when this semester began. I critically evaluated these sources through annotations. I utilized numerous quotes from each to support my claims in my Race and Gender and Identity essays. Furthermore, I utilized course goal six when I located database sources for my final research project. I had to search for reliable authors and although it took some digging, I was able to critically evaluate each within my annotated bibliography and use them to develop an answer to my research question.

     Lastly, the goal that has contributed to my overall academic growth is course goal 4. “Understand that academic disciplines employ varied genres, styles, syntactical patterns, uses of evidence, and documentation practices that call for a variety of reading strategies.” Over the course of four months, I have grown to understand that academic disciplines employ varied genres. I have explored various genres of writing, from narrative to analytical, as well as research. I learned different types of evidence are used for each. I chose to do a narrative for my Race and Identity essay in which subjective evidence was a necessity, because I was telling a story and supporting my thesis with personal evidence is essential in a narrative. I did an argumentative essay, which required both objective and subjective evidence. Lastly, my research genre was completely objective which was a little of a challenge (no use of I or opinion). Working with syntactical patterns was probably the most challenging. However I have seen improvement in my use of quote framing, signal phrase, and source introductions, and citations. In my first and second essay it was evident that I had some work to do, with signal phrase and my citations. In my first two essays had used statements such as “The author states” as signal phrase instead of an authors last name + a verb. In my final research paper I fixed that issue, as seen when I wrote “Aubrun et al. states…” or "Merskin claims…” In addition, we practiced documentation practices, MLA was the format for this course. I had heard of MLA format, but professor Ewan taught me how to structure MLA properly. Overall, experimenting with each of various genres and styles of writing in each essay of this class has helped me grow as a student. I believe I have advanced in my understanding of some significant concepts in writing throughout this course, and I am prepared to keep learning.

     In essence, My writing habits have changed drastically. I am a different Alysha, but in a positive academic way. I can no longer write when I “have time,” as I recall stating in my first writing philosophy. I produce my best work when others are working around me, this too is a major difference. I’ve discovered the importance of planning and making outlines framed around “GASP” as I was tasked with in this course. This helps me to organize my papers before I begin writing anything, so that my thoughts or purpose and message does not get clouded or lost. Throughout this semester, I have learned some of the essential elements of college writing. Such as the different types of evidence, as well as what genres to use them in. In addition, I’ve been taught (and I believe mastered) source introduction, all of which I had not the slightest clue how to do before this course. I am currently a Legal Studies major here at St. John’s. Therefore my use of components in First Year Writing, from critical analysis to acknowledging opposing viewpoints and simply writing itself will be apart of my life for a very long time. I am certain each will develop and be used throughout the rest of my education here, in graduate school, and in my intended career as a criminal defense attorney. My goal as I stated in my very first philosophy, was to become more fluent in writing, and I think I’m getting close. First Year Writing enabled me to write about significant issues I’ve felt strongly about for a very long time. More than anything this course was rewarding, and I am grateful for it.

[synchronysymphony]

My dear that's too vague, please rant

okay I’m so sorry wow but here it Comes ,, (this is really therapeutic for me LOL so you don’t have to read it bc it’s going to be so long) (also under a read-more bc I don’t want to ruin anyone’s day)

my guy ,, I’m not the type of person to give up easily. I’m persistent, and I really do believe in getting up and trying again, no matter how hard things are. But I feel like I really should give up, because nothing I do seems to do any good, and I’m fucking up everything in my entire life.I adore academia. I always have, even as a little girl when I had to teach myself math, and assign myself grades because being an unschooler can suck for someone who genuinely wants to learn everything, and has no one to ask for help. But I was good at it! I did teach myself math, and history, and literature, and science, and all those things– and I taught them to my younger siblings, too. When I got to high school, I thought things would change, because I fought so hard to get out of homeschooling (not that it’s a bad thing; it just wasn’t right for me), and now I had a chance to learn, and be taught, and do real homework, and it all seemed so perfect.Except, I really struggled! I didn’t have a good background in math and science, so I had to work so much harder than everyone else just to do worse (which, granted, for an AP student isn’t really bad, but I’ve always looked for reasons to hate myself, so this was a good one). And it continued all four years! I loved learning so much, and on the few occasions when I could concentrate long enough to read the textbook, I got really into it and could spend hours just poring away. I took AP chemistry, not because I’m good at science, but because I wanted to learn it, and I was fascinated by the labs. But I didn’t do very well in the end, and that probably really affected my ability to get scholarships. I ended up going to Ohio State my freshman year, 2500 miles away from home, because they gave me more money than anyone else.When I transferred to UCLA for my second year, I thought everything was going to turn around. I was back in California! I was studying at one of the best linguistics programs in the country! Except ,,I still couldn’t study. I still couldn’t concentrate. And I still couldn’t get out of bed or participate in class or go to office hours often. I tried really hard, and I still am, but nothing seems to be working. I had to give up my computer science minor because two weeks into Intermediate Programming, I realized I couldn’t remember how to do functions (which is like ,, really bad lol). I love learning so much, and it’s always been my dream to go into academia and be a professor/researcher and share knowledge with the world, because in my eyes, that’s the noblest thing I could do (me in particular, not “one”). But I can’t fucking cut it in this world. My syntax class is so hard. I failed two quizzes, do you know that? Most of the people in my class really hate it. All they do is complain, and they don’t care about it, and they’re definitely going to forget everything in two months, which is totally fine, and I’m not judging, but I hate myself so much, because I do care, and I do want to learn, but I do so horribly in comparison. 

And then, my future. I love working in the lab with all my heart, but I don’t think I’m going to get a position there for next year. I decided to take a gap year, you know, because grad school is expensive, but now I need to find a job, and I’m so scared that I won’t be able to. My mom thinks I’m a burden already, and I am, and I really do think it would be better if I died, because then she wouldn’t have to pay for me anymore. It’s a bit of a sunk-cost fallacy, though, because I’ve stayed alive for this long, so it seems like I should continue on. But that’s logically not true. I don’t know if I’ll get into any grad schools, and even if I do, I’ll probably just fuck it up and throw away my chance like I did here. I can’t do anything right, not even the things I love. Yeah, if I’d done a different major, I probably would have been fine, because I’m a good writer, and I’m good at analyzing texts and stuff, but gosh, can you imagine the blowback if I’d decided to do literature or political science? It’s bad enough that I’m doing linguistics and cognitive science. I think the only reason people accept it is because they don’t know what it is.And speaking of which, my dream is of course to get a PhD in linguistics (morphological processing, yeah), but my mom wants me to do psychology. Which, okay, I’m interested in everything, and I do love psych, but she wants me to do it at her university, because it’s free. What kind of horrible person would I be to turn that down? It’s another reason to die, because I know I would go completely insane if I had to live in my home (without my siblings) for another six years, but I can’t say no to my mom after everything she’s done for me. I would be good at clinical psych, I know I would. I shouldn’t even complain. Because what am I even looking for, fulfillment? That’s so selfish. I’m probably the most selfish person ever, because here I am, in love with something so economically useless. I can’t pay for my parents’ divorce by drawing bad syntax trees. I don’t know what’s going to happen in my future, but I dread it so much. I never thought I’d be alive this long, and actually, I still don’t think I’ll make it out of college alive sometimes. I have a really detailed plan for when I die, and I could carry it out literally any time, and most days, I feel like I will. But I probably won’t, because I fail at everything else, so I’m definitely going to fail at that, too.

People have always thought I was popular, and still do, and I do act like it because I’m a conventionally attractive valley girl, but I’m so scared of losing everyone around me and doing something bad that would hurt them. It’s happened before – I’m too pretty, and I get too much attention from people of other genders, and that makes the people around me upset. And I’m not even that great anyway. Like, I’m fun to party with, and I’m charming (I think), but I’m not Good. I’ve had so many bad romantic relationships, and some of them are totally not my fault lmao but others must be. I don’t know what I did, but I must have done something. They would never tell me, though, so I don’t know how to fix it. Anyway, I’m also a really bad person. I’m so selfish and lazy, and I don’t do enough for others, and I’m so self-absorbed, and I’m a whiny crybaby who can’t even stand the word “bitch” and I’m just so weak and annoying and gross. I’m too bubbly, and I say motivational things, and I tell everyone to do their best, and it’s so annoying, but I don’t know what else to do, because I tried creating a fake personality before, and it was just weird, and I hated myself even more. I’m scared to lose people, but I’m even more scared to hurt them, so I end up pushing them away, or isolating myself, and I know I’m going to end up all alone. I’m so afraid of getting older. I have panic attacks whenever I think about graduation. I haven’t even ordered my sash and cap yet, because I’m too much of a fucking baby to go online and do it, and now it’s probably too late. I’m missing so many things, and I’m too old to be this young. I’m so immature, you know? And so ignorant, and so inexperienced, and yeah, I want wisdom, but I’m so afraid to grow up and get it. 

I have two papers to write this weekend, and a take-home final, and a final to study for, but I’m struggling so hard, because I just want to die, and it’s hard to think about anything else. I’m stupid, like it’s not even an indictment, I mean intelligence is just a construct anyway, but I hate it. I want to do better, and I can almost do it, but then something happens, and I fall back down again. I can’t do anything right, and I never have, and I never will. I will die as a complete failure and waste and burden on the world.

And I think that’s the worst part. Because above all, above anything else, I want to be good. I want to help, and make the world better, and create some light and beauty where I can. But I’m not, because even my presence, even the smallest breath I take, is an inconvenience at best. At this point, the only good thing I could do would be to die, but even that would have consequences, because then my parents would have to pay for the funeral (I have it planned– I’m going to keep them from knowing that I killed myself, because the shame of having a daughter who committed suicide would upset my mom so much, but funeral costs aren’t cheap). I just keep putting it off, because I’m a loser like that. Right now, I do have a reason, because I need to write the paper for my group project, but once I do that, I can die. My group partner can present it by herself, I’m sure. But knowing me, I probably won’t. So that’s another thing to hate myself for.

I’m sorry for unloading this. I really am. I know you asked, but you don’t deserve to have this dumped on you, and of course, no one else does either. I’ll do something, so don’t worry, but yeah, don’t feel too bad. I’m still going to do my best (at least until Tuesday).