#i am bothered about my social life being killed even tho i already had a hand in doing that

[mullettaegi]

yknow when i started my job (or when i was being interviewed) someone made an offhand comment about me still having a social life (i think they mightve even emphasised this that im still young). and i wasnt really too bothered cause i struggle to connect with my friends so i didnt think much of it, what with having a 20 hour contract. i knew there would be overtime too, thought maybe about 5 hours is alright, 25 hours a week in total. im going to work 91:30 hours in january. i have not worked since the 31st of december and will return to work on the 9th of jan. between the 9th and the 29th i will work that aforementioned 91:30 hours. i work 3 out of 4 weekends this month. what fucking social life is that, huh? thats fucked up.

[pure-kirarin]

The rose left unwatered (Law x f!reader)

Heyo guys ! this is my first multi part fanfiction and I hope that you will all like it =w=.  No TW for now apart for coming smut in next chapters~  This was originally a request by @soul-stealer-reaper​ . Thanks for requesting :) originally you asked for a scenario with rough NSFW where Law has a crush on a girl that the government is afraid of and that has high bounty. As this will have some parts, everything you asked for will come in the next chapters so no worries :’) ! I won’t hide that wrote quite freely tho, I hope that it’s fine.  Synopsis : You have felt unwanted for so long that you forgot the last time you felt like you belonged. Quite paradoxical, when you are one of the most wanted “criminals” in the new world. You cross paths with Law after joining the strawhats at Fishman Island to “kill some time” and you both feel a weird connection from the moment your eyes met, curiosity, hatred or desire, did it really matter as long as feelings were involved ? ---------------------------

A rose left unwatered will wither, A heart left unloved will rot, A sweet dream left untouched will go bitter,  A love left unspoken will be forgot. Nemo -  Murder in Venice

The first time that Law saw you, he found you extremely annoying. He remembered that he saw your wanted poster somewhere, with one of the highest bounties that he has ever seen. Seeing such a high bounty made him raise an eyebrow at first, what could you have done to have the whole world on your back ? The second thought that came to his mind was that of detachement, then he flinched at that thought.

The first time that Law saw you in person was after his Allience with the strawhats. You stayed at the ship the whole time, you didn't even bother to follow others to punk Hazard or to help them with their plans. He thought that you were an extremely selfish person and you reminded him of the person that he hated most. That way you had of doing what you wanted without caring about others, the smirk you had on your lips at all times, never submitting, always acting so sure of yourself, it irritated him.

How could someone get such a strong reaction out of him ? He didn't even know, he always eyed you from afar and it was enough to know that you prfoundly, passionately got on his nerves.

You joined the strawhats in the Fishmen Island, finding your way to them and just asking to join. Luffy's simplistic demeanor meant that he accepted right away, not caring about who you were and not flinching at your high bounty.

You made it clear that you were just staying to be entertained, in fact, you didn't want to fight, you didn't want to help anyone, your curiosity was just peaked by Luffy, by that man that defied the world government, by that man that defied everyone at Marineford. You weren't impressed, but you just felt sympathy towards him and wanted to find some company.

You found what you were looking for, in fact, life with the strawhats was enjoyable, you didn't get along with Usopp or Nami. The former thought that you were « too scary » and would kill them in their sleep, the latter hated how little you were willing to cooperate.

You had your own reason, but nobody on that ship was able to grasp your personnality, you just had your own way of thinking, your own internal logic that nobody seemed to get. Who were you ? Why were you there and why was the whole world on your back ? All these questions were provoking Law, teasing him endlessly. His curiosity was growing day after day and you were always there, on a lounge chair enjoying the burn of the sun on your skin, not caring about anything else, not caring about him, not that he cared...did he ? You got on his nerves just by being there, he felt obseverd yet, he wasn't the kind of people to get flustered but your gaze was so intense, feline.

It was a soft night on the sunny, a few days before getting to Dressrosa.  On this night, the strawhats decided to gather around after dinner like always. They enjoyed socializing and spending time together, telling stories and playing silly games.  It was quite late so Momo was already sleeping. Everyone was on the deck enjoying some drinks and you were on the crow's nest, peaceful.

« Y/N-chaaawn~ » Screamed Sanji, making you look down. « Come have some fun with us, don't stay there on your own ! »

« - Yeah Y/N ! We're all having fun here. »  Said Luffy.

You jumped gracefully from the crow's nest just like a cat. You then looked around circularly before taking place between Law and Robin as she silently made some space for you. The atmosphere was light and everyone was enjoying themselves. Zoro was drinking bottle after bottle as Sanji was screaming at him. Usopp was telling you all for the tenth time about how he took down a sea king with his little finger and Luffy and Chopper were captivated by how cool that was.

You were just silently enjoying that sense of peace till Nami asked you out of nowhere

« Oh true Y/N, I actually never asked but I am curious, why is your bounty so high ? What have you done ? »

For a second your expression changed and everyone's eyes were on you. You just decided to tell them some kind of lie and you said that you killed a celestial dragon. Everyone looked at you in awe, killing a celestial dragon means that you had to escape from admirals. You excused yourself then saying you were tired, therefore going to sleep.

After hours of partying Strawhats went to sleep. You got out of the girl's quarter wearing only a night gown. Your thoughts were waltzing since earlier's events and you were looking melancolically at the ocean. The sound of the waves was so calming, you got close to the board of the sunny, placing your elbows on the wooden surface. You didn't notice it when Law came your way, he wasn't sleeping either, his sleeping schedule was always herractic. He was still intrigued by the lie you told earlier and by your overall attitude, something about you drew him towards you like a magnet.

-(Y/N)-ya...You didn't kill a celestial dragon, did you?

His voice was low and hoarse, stealing a murmur out of your lips. Your eyes met his, gray, icy. It was the first time he said your name outloud, actually, you briefly ever interacted since he got on this ship.

-Trafalgar ?..

You were wondering why did he bring this up, he never ever showed interest in you and you in him. In fact, now that you looked at him more in detail, you could say that he was an exceptionally handsome male with soft dark hair and a gloomy but all the more seductive cast of demeanor.

He could obtain any female he wanted at a snap of his fingers. You looked away and added :

-I thought that you disliked me. Why do you even ask ?

He raised an eyebrow, but got back to his stoic expression almost immediatly. He didn't know that it showed. However, you were wrong, he was starting to get intrigued by you, by your high bounty, by the detached way you acted. He was usually the one to observe and analyse people, but something about you...He couldn't put a finger on.

-I don't like lies.

-I have my own reasons...I'm sure there are a lot of things that you want to keep secret.

You hesitated then looked his side. He seemed calm still and just shrugged, ready to go back to his spot but then you added ;

-I lied because I didn't want to involve anyone in this...When I was just a child, I was a part of a dozen kids that were selected to take part into a « government experiment »...I don't want to go into details but...you clenched your fist, eyes fixed on an imaginary point in front of you I am the only survivor of that experiment...Therefore I'm being tracked... We were given power...To this day I don't know its extent...But I know that with just a blow of my fingers I could...you gasped How could a child be granted such a power ? Why did they have to choose for me ? I didn't want any of this....I never wanted to fight, I don't want to fight. I just wanted to be normal, to have a family, to feel wanted...haha...your laugh was bitter I mean, I know that I am the most wanted person you probably met, but I didn't mean it in that way. I hope that this satisfies your curiosity, Trafalgar Law.

Your eyes met, he looked in them, deep, searching for traces of honesty. You were telling the truth, there wasn't a doubt. He liked the way his name sounded out of your lips, it was the first time that he heard these three letters murmured by you. It's as if his first name sounded different, you had that way of saying it, almost like a whisper. You looked so vulnerable in your nightgown, so fragile despite your usual arrogant carapace. The fiery tigress looked like a sweet kitten and he was surprised by the way he just wanted to reassure you. He brushed that thought quickly and added, stoic ;

-I see, why did you tell me ?  

-You just asked me to, no ? I just felt like we were a bit alike...Ah. Also, quit asking me questions....This is starting to feel like a doctor examination...Now it's my turn to ask. Why do you even care ? I didn't think that the surgeon of death was such a curious person.

He scratched his chin, hesitating for a second, but then he just said bluntly ;

-The first time I saw you, I thought that you were extremely annoying.

- Ah ? you looked at him with a straight face, but still a bit offended If we're playing first impressions then...

-But I get it now.

He wasn't annoyed, in fact, he was just fascinated. It wasn't animosity that he felt but desire to know more about you. It wasn't that he was making sure that you're not endangering anyone, he wanted to look at you, it was just excuses upon excuses, rationalization for a case of irrational fascination. Now that the diagnostic was there, he could understand his emotions more clearly.

-You are talking in riddles but well...Whatever...Why did you form an alliance with Luffy by the way ? I wonder how you're able to handle all of his energy if you can't even stand mine haha.

-Let me correct you ; I don't hate you. He stops for a moment then he adds. There is a man that I would like to kill.

You turn now, back against the wooden border of the ship. You had an amused look on your face, wondering who was that man that he wanted to take down ;

-Now that's interesting ! Let me guess, who is it ?

-You are quite curious yourself, (Y/N)-ya...

He thought it was only fair, you opened up to him, he opened up to you, but telling you the details wasn't for now.

-So you are using the strawhats ?

-I am not sure who is using who. And what is your reason for joing the strawhats ?

-Luffy, you said with dreamy eyes, it's the D in his name...I have been drawn to people with this letter in their names like a magnet...I don't know...I just believe it's fate...

He was startled by your answer, so you knew about the « D » letter ? He also had this letter in his name...He just added then, with a face that didn't betray his surprise ;

-Oh , a girl like you believes in such romantic stories ?

-And what is a girl like me like ? You added, amused. I mean, apart from annoying.

-...Quit it already.

His tone was stable as always. He didn't show it but he thought that it was cute of you, how you insisted and played along. You faced him, your eyes looking right into his and you weren't one to look down, oh no. Irisis into his irisis, looking for him and digging something into him. He didn't even know what you meant by such a look, once again, feline.

The salty smell of the ocean's water mixed with the odor of your fruity perfume made that moment a bit more enjoyable and he wasn't even the type of person to enjoy chatting.

Check mate, you made up for that horrible first impression. You added then ;

-You avoided my question by the way, why wouldn't I believe in « such romantic stories » ? What do you think you know about « a girl like me » ?

You got a bit closer, amused, and he thought that it was getting a bit dangerous. You had a fake woeful look in your eyes. His limbs were filled to the brim with that ocean perfume of yours mixed with that sweet taste, and for a second it was as if that odor operated some kind of spell over him, because a surprising thought occured to his mind ; what would your lips taste like ? Certainly salty like the ocean and a tad like peaches.

Unsettled and unfocused he said ;

-Shouldn't you be sleeping ?

In reality, he didn't want these thoughts to make a nest out of his head and decided to cut the conversation quite abruptly. Your rocked your body back, almost like a child and rose your eyebrows in a semi-sarcastic semi-dramatic way.

-I'm a bit too old for a bed time don't you think, Trafalgar ?

-Just Law.

-Yes yes ! L-a-w...See you tomorrow ! You're not as uptight as I thought.

-(Y/N)-ya.

He just said your name in a strict way, probably indicating that you needed to go. His tone was firm, stop teasing already.

You looked at him with a diminishing smile, pronouncing every single letter so slowly, stretching his name on your lips so that these three tiny letters seemed endless. You tossed your hair, and something about the whole situation, about your feminine charm, something about the breeze of the night made the both of you feel unbearable tension. The type of tension that happens between a man and a woman at three in the morning, that tension that makes every little detail, every look in the eyes, every brush of the fingers feel indecent.

The eyes of a woman can't lie, his ego was stroked as he thought he had a glimpse of your hidden desire.You turned to go back to the girl's quarters, his eyes still hanged on your silhouette. ----------- I hope that you liked this first part. Please tell me what you think. It is a great motivator to know that I’m writing and being read. <3 I wish you all a nice day !

[directionoftime]

Hi! How are you? Hope you’re well!

Sorry if I’m bothering you but I came across you fics and Im dying to read Storm Cloud but me, as silly as I am, I try to avoid to read unfinished stories cause I got attached to the stories and don’t know how to live without an ending to it….

So, all of this to ask if you please may consider writing the end of it…

Also another question: the number of chapters changes from ffnet and ao3, why is that? It’s due to the those sites structure to post?

Tá

Hi Anon,

Ah Storm Cloud... my first great love, and my greatest tragedy... and now seemingly cursed to wander the interwebs unfinished and loved only at a distance.

The early days of SC being written (where I'd update somewhere between a few days/week) was great going, I got to about the 200-250k mark no problems but life took over, I had to move (jobs/country) and life in general just got stressful in ways that parasitised my creativity. In addition to this, the story just stopped getting any engagement, the comments before (and on other stories like I Missed Again and Go No Further carried over a lot of the same readers and we had some great convos) But as my update turn around slowed, they dropped away - and I completely get it: the longer the update schedule you forget the nuance of the chapter/story and your interest wanes (I've been guilty of this myself more than once!) Soon, the only kind of comments I was getting were (quite literally): "more! XD"

or

"kill urself, virgin s---"

As you might imagine, neither of those particularly helped my already struggling creativity. In the earlier days of writing SC I was in some difficult situations and the good interactions offered me some level of positive social interaction I had precious little of in real life (this might sound weird, but the people I worked with were... hmm... unkind, shall we say).

I had no one else in my life who knew I wrote, or if they did assumed it was something silly, stupid and time wasting. They dgaf about anything I was doing.

So, to address your point of saying you only like to read finished stories: yes, I do understand that - it is frustrating beyond words to read so much of a story and get invented for it to just... end. But, if you can, think of it from my perspective (and other fan-fic authors) for just a moment:

You're expecting me (in context of SC) to run a hyper marathon with no support, no engagement, no feedback, nothing until it's done. [context: I estimate SC to be complete at 350k - that's a 700 page novel!] And then, maybe, I can expect a single comment (which may or may not provide feedback, offer anything kind to say, or any kind of useful positive comment) in return? Doesn't that sound just a little skewed to you?

I'm not attacking you here, I just tying to illustrate that writing takes time, effort, creativity, hard work and a lot of emotional labour (if you're really putting in effort, you need to understand your character, get into their headspace etc - this will vary a bit between authors tho).

In the midst of writing my longer form stories -- I cannot express to you what a well-spring of creativity and passion directly came out of reading comments from my readers. Even when I thought myself out of ideas, I'd read some lovely comments and the sparks were FLYING BABEY!

This has been hashed out by others in past, a probably much more eloquently, but we don't get paid, we have other pressing life responsibilities that no, cannot wait for fan-fiction.

I and others have said: comments are our 'pay'

I write because I love it, but I ALSO love engaging with others about my writing, writing stories that offer people a chance to practice emotions, or follow interesting stories, maybe it's just a free piece of fiction that lets them escape their "real life" for a few minutes - and the stresses there in. There is something magical there, writing a story that someone else loves? That's some lifting the veil of the universe sh-t right there!

There are a million reasons why we write and why we read - and why we (as humans) derive so much pleasure from it.

You get to decide how you interact with fandom (that's really only your choice and I don't mean this in a 'i think ur wrong' kind of way) so I'm not telling you do this or not do that, but I do just want you to consider this perspective the next time you pass over a story because it's "not finished" There is a person on the other end of that story -- the author -- and your willingness to skip over their story, might just be the thing that creatively starves them.

But to answer your question? Eh... maybe. It's been so long even I'm out of the loop of SC and can't really remember some finer points, so it's up in the air I'm afraid. (Diff chapters? Uh might just be because my posting there hasn't kept up whilst I was trying to edit typos/stupid mistakes etc)

I have some original novels and stories I'm working on atm anyway and I've just finished my Masters so I'm currently burnt out to fu-k.

Fandom we're the only ones keeping it and each other alive - please don't be afraid to spread some love!!! <3

[spade-riddles]

"Adjusting Expectations" Post

This submission received a lot of responses and 120 notes, so I thought I would compile the comments here.

Anonymous said:

Adjusting expectations anon was so good. If their timetables are right and we do just need to be patient a little longer, can Kaylor please send us a sign? I guess it would be too loud to slip "adjusting expectations" into social media posts, but maybe they could both do something with playing cards? To show they are card sharks right now but they'll find their way home eventually? That would reassure people. And it would fly under the radar.

casuallycruel131313 said:

I agree with a lot of this but I think the main issue right now is that moral and ethical lines have been crossed and there's no coming back from that. In these post-Trumpian insurrectionist times it's unfathomable that they could continue the Kushner narrative I no longer care if or when they come out, I enjoy the music and I'm happy to observe from a distance because I'm interested from a PR/marketing point of view but my opinion of T &K as people has changed irrevocably and I don't see how they can clean the tarnish off.

@theprologues said:

Agree with most of not all if this but I would like to say as a Kaylor the toe Grammy stunt didn’t phase me. I was not crushed by that by any means. I just shrugged and honestly expected it. It was the attributing Betty and exile to him during the LPSS in November that bummed me out and really made me go...really?

rockcrow20 said:

Have to say I also agree with most of this.

I no longer have any expectations on anything changing any time soon and have not been surprised by the recent events its to be expected after everything over the years really

Nothing has really changed (bearding narrative wise) since I fell down the rabbit hole in 2017 (except that great night in nashville 2018 rep)

Honestly I can't say I am as invested anymore about them ever coming out as I was.

I think the wb/Joe thing was the last moment for me and the continual kushner connection just troubles me like many others.

I mean my kaylor motto for awhile now has been hope for the best but expect disappointment.

Low expectations = limited feelings of disappointment.

original-cypher said:

@rockcrow20 the WB was a breaking point for so many. You are absolutely right. There are just so ma'y contradictions that feel like absolute whiplash. (I know I seem to have been the only one experiencing that with Gorgeous but... that was a big one for me, too) But like. You go on a whole PR campaign about speaking up and standing up for yourself. You say you're capable and tired of men trying to take ownership of your success and profit off of your name. And you credit you literal damn work to a bloke? Bitch, 'consistency'? Look it up. It grossed me out. It would have felt iffy if I believed they were real. But since I wasn't born yesterday it just sent me the message "this is how far I'm willing to sacrifice my principles to not be queer".

rockcrow20 said:

@original-cypher exactly why it bothered me and I know alot us so much. Such mixed messaging of being a strong fighting for your rights female and then oh hey let me attribute some of my best work to my pr boyfriend and the pr pics where she is walking behind all the time like 🙄 The Betty thing that was big one for me too!

rainbowdaisy13 said:

This write up and the comments are spot on. I don’t have much to add other than like @original-cypher said, Miss Americana is tainted for me now and seems like at the very least, it was released too soon in the plan. I get we think they have had to pivot but man, that doc, and including her literally saying “gay rights make me me” at the end was such a false flag. To see her wax poetic about not taking shit from men anymore and then see her do the same old hetero weak woman song and dance routine with the WB shit for albums that are of her genius mind has been so disappointing. I still believe Kaylor is real and I hope they get a chance to show the world that. Karlie posting that cardigan pic in the woods before the folklore release cemented for me they are still together. Adding a baby makes me feel all kind of weird ethical things but I hope I live long enough to see it play out and wear my I Told You So shirt 😁

@kellykaylor said:

agree with your post... I dont care about toe stunts but what really pissed me of was hetwashing betty 🤮! beautiful post tho anon!!

roameroo said:

Totally agree with these all comments especially the strong messaging of MA only to turn around & pull that WB = my "bf" crap. I was disheartened by her mentioning him at the Grammy's only bc he's getting credit for sh*t he doesn't/didn't do. That is what irks me the most about this, giving him credit for her life's work.

always-the-last-word said:

Can I throw my pennies in the pool ?? Taylor will put out the big three first Fearless, RED then 1989 that should bring us to about August. This is where the excitement should begin. If Taylor preps and waits for National Coming Out day it's a no lose for her. Lover her money making machine will go through the roof !! If things go bad or good in the public eye she'll have REPUTATION Taylor's Version ready to release. It will be epic and she'll own it and be FREE.

@karlie-what-you-want said:

always-the-last-word I like this take a lot! I try not to be too optimistic but if she wanted to come out sooner rather than later, I think this plan would satisfy both business and PR needs (at least on Taylor’s end). Remains to be seen how Tay will help Karlie dig her way out of the mess they made together regarding the K*shners.

always-the-last-word said:

Always remember that Taylor has a PLAN. Some of her plans are year's old (easter eggs). Taylor's one and only LOVE is her music, everything else comes second. If KK wants to change and be with her full time she'll make moves around the same time frame. That's if she chooses to. In any event Tay will be open and own all her music. I've seen this film before and WE might not like the ending.

chosetherose said:

I’ve been going back and forth for a day trying to figure out what I wanted to say when I reblogged this post. I’m tired. I’m frustrated. I understand I’m owed nothing by Taylor or Karlie. I understand that circumstances out of their control have caused the girls to pivot over and over again.

But, the root of my frustration in the past months stems not from me battling with the trivial (e.g. pap walks, etc.) but with my personal principles. I fiercely believe credit should be given where it is earned and I uphold this in my career regularly. To see Taylor crediting Toe with her art was deeply disappointing. Watch the 1989 and folklore acceptance speeches back to back and tell me it doesn’t upset you. I believe the K******s have blood on their hands and that their actions during the pandemic have killed people. To see Karlie still associating with one of them disgusts me.

I can’t help but think back in frustration - Would you really fall from grace to touch her face? (And in the brilliant words of @9w1ft) But would you die for her in public? I go back and forth feeling like questions like this aren’t fair at all and thinking they are sort of valid. At this point, it sort of feels like Taylor would only fall from grace for her lover if all the stars and facets of her life aligned perfectly. But perfection like this does not happen. Such is life. So why am I here?

I do question why Spade left certain messages in their final days. I am still holding hope a fervent revolution exonerates everyone. I so desperately want Taylor to regain control of her masters or re-records. Maybe this is the plan they thought was best with multiple goals in mind (re-records, having a family, coming out of the closet one day etc). I’m trying to remain patient because Spade told us to trust her endless yearning. But WOW it is asking a lot of us at this point.

Anonymous said:

Despite being a pragmatist kaylor and oftentimes getting into arguments with fellow optimistic kaylors (owner of this blog included) I think it's quite unfair -at this point- to say to the optimists who have patiently sat through the worst kind of stunts with the most terrible kind of people (yes I'm talking about the Kushner's friend group too) that they should have seen it coming. Besides, if it weren't for the optimists we the cynicals would have burned this fandom down by now.

Anonymous said:

Even if we ignore that an insurrection happened partially because of the family karlie's still working for and getting paid from, she literally said before the pregnancy debacle unfolded that j*sh was her last client while talking about cutting hair and doing a cutting gesture. How should we have interpreted that? 😤That a year later she would be more stuck with the Kushners than ever? We don't wake up on day and decide to have unrealistic expectations. She feeds into them. 😠

Anonymous said:

I have no expectation of Taylor coming out anymore. Zero. None. I have no expectation of her dropping Toe or even of Kaylor publicly reuniting. It doesn't even matter that much anymore. But I - do - expect 1 thing. Karlie to drop and completely dissociate herself from the Kushners and this has nothing to do with kaylor. It was everything to do with me being unable to support a person who willfully assists (now using her baby too) and receives money from a family that has made so many suffer.

Anonymous said:

A quick word from an ex-kaylor (who will never become an anti). A year ago, when the Trumps were still in power and untouchable and there was no baby, I was excusing and turning a blind eye to many things Karlie did for the K*shners. Even that dinner in September. I had also made peace with the truth never being revealed. But a year later the Trumps are gone, Karlie is still on full stunting mode now with a baby in the mix, a baby that is already being used by the Kushners, and I've really run out of excuses. Now the only thing that could possibly keep me on board is if I knew there was a good chance that the full truth would come out, so that Karlie's inexplicable and honestly borderline immoral actions could eventually make sense. But as your sub said, this is an unrealistic expectation, thus I became an ex-kaylor and I'm not planning to come back even when they reunite. 😕

Anonymous said:

What baffles me is that Taylor has explicitly expressed her regret about not giving her lover the credit she deserves and her doubt whether fame is worth hiding her true love: "when I walked up to the podium, I think I forgot to say your name", "what's a lifetime of achievement, if I pushed you to the edge". But yet again she didn't do anything to change this. I didn't expect her to acknowledge Karlie, but a nod or at least not falsely crediting her beard would be a good start.

Anonymous said:

1🙁 Let me chime in re: "expectations". I'm one of the kaylors who ever since the pregnancy reveal was trying to tell everyone there's NO way she was gonna dump him soon after birth let alone before that. It would bring too much unnecessary attention and Jerk would have never agreed to something that would make him look like a bad guy/husband. For the exact same reasons, I was also saying there's no way he wasn't going to post about the baby. All the above against the popular opinion back then.

2🙁 So I agree that the day of the birth post was known to T, not the timing though. Simply bc Kushner-leaning outlets made sure to note that detail. If they wanted it to go unnoticed, why draw attention to it? That being said, kaylors would have been more patient with this mess, if Karlie hadn't gone overboard with her freedom "smoke signals" last summer and Tay's "insiders" hadn't been insinuating that the end is VERY near. Both of them SHOULD have known by then how we would react to these.

3🙁 So it's natural that everyone feels played and has no patience for any more bullshit. Another sore point is how Jerk AND the Kushner-Trump klan monopolize the baby news. This isn't just to make it realistic, it's an abuse of Kaylor's baby's name to garner good pr for the worst family in America, with Karlie's blessing. In order for her marriage and split to appear realistic she's putting a LIFETIME burden on her child's back. Unless you believe she's eventually gonna say Jerk isn't the dad.

4🙁 So "we’re in a position we should realistically have been able to see coming". But we did see it coming, that why some made these extreme scenarios, bc this is the worst possible outcome. "Good people try to make it work, even in bad relationships." Ultimately this isn't just a "bad rs". It's a horrific association that should have been resolved ages ago, not one to bring your child into, doom it to suffer a similar fate, and expect people to sit idly and watch. That's what frustrates most.

[mcrmadness]

I was tagged by @cupcakecurl, thank you so much! I’ll try to remember to tag you whenever I am tagged the next time!

It’s a long post so I put it under the “keep reading” link.

1. Do you ever make your bed? No. I have a loft bed so no one can see to there (unless someone is like 2m tall but I barely have visitors and especially not that tall people lol. Or maybe bit shorter people too but since I’m very short, I can’t see there :D) so there’s no point in making the bed. Plus I tend to sweat a lot during some nights so I like to leave the bed “open” so it can dry properly.

2. What’s your favorite number? 13. But also 23 and 123.

3. What’s your job? Currently I’m on a sick leave but my “profession” is horse groom.

4. If you could go back to school, would you? Ummm, I’ve been to plenty of schools but with a bit bad success... I actually love studying and learning but I don’t like schools nor going to schools. So I’m constantly wanting to learn and study but every time I’ve been accepted into a school, I have asked myself "why tf did you have to do this again when you know you hate this all???” as every time I face the same concentration problems with essays etc.

5. Can you parallel park? Yes, but I prefer not to do that on a busy road since I start fucking up things when I feel like I have to hurry because I’m bothering other people. So only when there’s not other cars going everywhere I will do that, otherwise I’ll find another spot to park.

6.  A job you had that would surprise People? I haven’t really had that weird jobs, all of them have been about horses tbh. And I haven’t done a real job ever anyway, just work trainings and school related trainings. But I might say here that before I figured I want to work with horses, I was trying to study animal caretaking and that certain branch was focusing on farm animals. So I have actually been to a cowhouse with milk cows and I have been milking them and worked with cows and calves there a lot as it was a huge part of my school. I also know how to drive a tractor and how to reverse with a trailer attached because we did this A LOT at school and we had to do this again when I was studying in the horse school and it was one of the tests to reverse a tractor and the trailer had to go into an imagined “barn”.

7. Do you believe aliens are real? Yes. I mean, this universe is such a huge place, why the fuck not??? I actually had this thought from a very early on that there must be life out there somewhere and I’m pretty sure they are aware of us all but let’s be honest, if you was from an another galaxy and found out there’s a this small planet with some puny people on it, would you want to get to know us? No, I don’t think so. If we have to kill each other for stupid reasons, do you really think humans would suddenly agree being friends with aliens too? So I still believe they are out there and are aware of us but don’t really bother meeting us nor even letting us know about them because humans are the most idiotic animal on this planet. If you look at all these scifi movies already (witch a few exceptions) and how we always imagine the aliens: if they are hostile, they are unintelligent, can’t talk and will make monster noises and they will look like monsters. If they are friendly, they are super intelligent, can talk or use even telepathy to talk to us and they are humanoids, never monsters. I guess we’re just so scared of them we’re obsessed with this idea and we’re scared they would be more intelligent and still hostile at the same time...

8. Can you drive a manual car? Yup, I have only ever had a manual car and I actually have never driven an automatic car. I’ve no clue how they work :D In Finland you can choose between a driver’s licence to manual or automatic car and with manual you can drive them both, with automatic you can only drive automatic cars. (Do people say automatic car or should it be “with automatic gears”?)

9. What’s your guilty pleasure? I was thinking about this a lot and I think I will agree with the person who tagged me and also say male/male pairings and shipping. But I don’t want to give the same answer (I think there was a really good points!) so I think I’ll go with an easier one: this doesn’t happen that often anymore but when I was still studying and working 4-5 days/week.

We were always listening to radio at work and we usually used channels with music from the 70s and 80s, maybe also 90s and sometimes even older than that. Once one of the workers left the place, we all started using other channels cos everyone was so done with that one particular radio channel :D Anyway, my guilty pleasure was that some songs sometimes stuck in my head, often from old and really popular bands that I couldn’t even link to the band itself. And I really hate earworms when they are not music I normally like to listen to, so I often get really frustrated with them and I start my hunt for the songs so I can listen to them and maybe finally remove it from my head. And here comes my guilty pleasure: reading the youtube comments to some really old songs’ music videos. They are often just so damn hilarious I was often dying from laughter when I did that! And it’s bit sad too because I would have loved to share with them other people but either they would have not understood the youtube comment humour or if I brought it up to someone who actually liked the music, they would just get offended. So I actually realize only now how often this was happening with the songs and I’ve found some really hilarious comments from there too!

I also had several songs I kinda liked to listen to when they were playing. That is something fun too because I wouldn’t say they are guilty pleasure songs but more like... just something for myself you know? I’m often really open but sometimes I like it more when I can keep things only to myself. And it somehow cheered me up when I was driving my car or working in the stable and then heard one of those “guilty pleasure” songs that I could enjoy and at the same time enjoy of the fact no one knew I was enjoying them! I guess I like it because I’m often feeling like being way too visible and I’m afraid that I give away opinions and feels without saying them aloud and what I really want to keep to myself, so that makes me feel REALLY good when I know no one can read me!

10. Tattoos? No. And not gonna have either. I have a fear of needles and pain, I used to have one pair of earrings and even that was terrible enough. And painful.

11. Favorite color? Orange, almost like the neon orange; electric blue, and black.

12. Things people do that piss you off? Ohhh are we talking about pet peeves now? I usually am very calm and it’s hard to make me angry but I’d say that what REALLY pisses me off is when someone/people don’t listen to me. And I mean when they literally tell to my face they don’t care, they don’t want to hear, and that I should shut up. That is what makes me really furious even. One of those rare things that make me really feel like I need to start smashing things. Also people talking over and not listening overall is something a bit annoying but I can take it, but not when it’s intentional. Also I’m very stubborn and sometimes not getting what I want makes me angry too since I kinda got used to that as the oldest siblings, but at the same time I am aware of this and I don’t think I’m surperior or anything. Just some things I need to pay more attention to about myself.

13. Any phobias? Fire (pyrophobia), needles and sharp objects (aichmophobia) and social anxiety (social phobia), for the starters.

14. Favorite childhood sport? I had none. I liked badminton tho but just like... a few times in a summer and then I forgot about it again. And as a pre-teen I actually was horseback riding regularly for about half a year. Then a pony threw me down and it was my first time falling of a horse and of course I had to break my arm. Since that I have fallen just once but I don’t really like riding that much, driving is more of a my thing now.

15. Do you ever talk to yourself? Not really, I laugh aloud more often but I don’t really talk to myself. I don’t like hearing my voice when I’m alone, it triggers my depersonalization/dissociation.

16. What movie do you adore? Oh what movie I wouldn’t adore??? I watch so many movies and it’s almost impossible to say just one... I guess I’m gonna say my favorite one of them all: Beetlejuice by Tim Burton. I have always been really interested in all kinds of different imagines of death because I have always been a bit afraid of death and I just don’t like the thought of everything ending on that. I can basically imagine that emptiness and it’s really scary and something I don’t want to have. So I have always been really into anything that will show death as something else than emptiness or permanent. And I really love it what Burton did with Beetlejuice and I just love all the details in there! I have seen this movie millions of times and still I feel like whenever I watch it, I find something I did not see the last time because there’s just so much to see! And it’s also really funny and full of dark humour which is 110% my thing and I think that movie is a perfect example of Burton’s twisted, dark sense of humour. I feel like I understand his humour so well that every time I go to see a Burton movie in the theaters, I’m usually the only one to laugh at things I get as these weird jokes he likes to put there and everyone else is laughing at things that weren’t always even meant as that funny. It’s kinda weird, but it just shows that he’s my favorite move director for a reason :D And back to Beetlejuice (was that now the third time saying the name..?), Danny Elfman made the music to this one too and the theme is probably my favorite Danny Elfman score as well.

17. Do you like doing puzzles? Yeah! I like both types: jigsaw puzzles and the other puzzles and I really love when video games have lots of puzzles to solve as idk, somehow I just love that :D

18. What’s your favorite kind of music? Uh, this is gonna take a while to explain. Because it’s not that simple... I mean, in a way it is but it isn’t? :D I tend to like bands that basically are of the newer punk rock but don’t necessarily be punk itself, but they all either have roots in punk or their influences were mainly punk bands. And a while back I actually realized that most bands I listen to, actually have lots of the same bands behind there as their influences but all these bands (that I listen to) are all totally different from each other. So I like music that is based on punk rock but with a lot of new stuff added to them and I like music that is very diverse and offers a lot for the ears to hear, lots of layers and instruments etc. but so that on an album there isn’t 10 songs that are hard to tell apart ebcause they sound so alike, but more like 10 songs that are all different enough from each other but still similar enough that they sound like they belong into the same album. I’m very picky with music but the more I look back into what my music taste has been over the years, I still seem to always like the same things, and one of the things I like a lot with music is when there’s violins and/or pianos, I also like brass, but only when it’s there every now and there and not in every song. When not getting too much of something, it stays interesting, otherwise I’ll become very bored and start to look for “new” stuff to have enough stimuli.

So, many probably are already aware that my favorite band is Die Ärzte. And others, from the US: MCR, The Killers and Yellowcard. Rammstein from Germany and there’s some other German bands I might listen to too. From Finland I like bands like: Apulanta, Tehosekoitin, Klamydia, Häiriköt... And have to say here that as weird as it sounds, DÄ, MCR and Apulanta are quite different but all of them have lots of the same bands that influenced them! :D And Rammstein is probably the most different but hey, they also have punk roots! (And I like Feeling B too, btw. It’s very rare to me because I normally don’t like THAT regular punk but I really love the drums, escpecially when Schneider joined the band, and all the other instruments and the synth just made them to stand out!) And even The Killers share some influence bands with DÄ and MCR which is super interesting as there’s nothing punk in their style, but they’re still one of the most important bands from my teenage years. I was about 14 when I heard of them for the first time at school and since there was no Youtube yet, the hunt for the song, “Somebody Told Me”, was quite intense because only way to find it was to one day hear someone mention the song and band name on radio, but fortunately I did catch it! The album I found only 1-2 years later tho, when their 2nd album was released and I found both albums from a record store (R.I.P. record stores...) here.

So, that’s my favorite kind of music. Fast, interesting, lots of layers and instruments, good singing and it has to have lots of melody too. I live from songs with lots of melody.

19. Tea or coffee? Tea, and actually the only tea I drink is Earl Greay and I drink that on a daily basis. Usually just 1 cup/day but sometimes even 2. 3 starts to have bit too much caffeine already. And from here we get to the reason I don’t drink coffee: my head can’t stand caffeine and the only time I do drink coffee is because I need caffeine aka when I drive longer distances with a car, but it causes me exessive sweating and I need to pee 24/7 and increses my panic symptoms and worsens my concentration skills so I try to avoid caffeine as much as I can. Besides, coffee tastes bad. It’s one of the best smells in the world and I HATE how it does not taste like that!!! So whenever I drink coffee, it’s not really coffee, it’s milk and sugar with a little bit of coffee in it. And ice coffee tastes better than normal coffee and I usually buy these readymade ice coffees you get in Finland cos they don’t taste like coffee. More like... milk and sugar with coffee taste lol.

20. First thing you remember wanting to be when you grow up? Oh I think what I said was “I don’t know, probably something to do with animals.” I also am not exactly sure if I was one of those kids being like “I want to be a veterinatian!” or if I did NOT want to be a vet, and so when people would ask about being a vet then, I’d answer no, but more like just taking care of the animals. And I was not wrong, I am a qualified horse groom now.

I want to tag (what? me? tagging people? uncanny!) @stufenlosregelbar and hmmmm... @bleibimmerduselbst, since I haven’t seen this one on your blogs yet. Or at least not lately, not sure if you have already done this before and if so, I’m sorry, I normally do remember things I see but now for some reason I can’t remember that! And of course if someone out there wants to do this but hasn’t got tagged (I’d but I can’t read minds so idk who wants to be tagged I’m sorry!), then I’m also gonna tag YOU so please, steal this and tag yourself :D

[adonis-koo]

bury a friend

| 2 |

Note: Everyone was asking for a part two so your guys wish is my command. I am so sorry to anyone who ain’t reading this like they really need to build a read more tab for mobile writers Anyone want part 3 tho?

Pairing: Yandere!Taehyung/Reader, Jungkook/Reader

Plot: Taehyung was always different. Ever since you were kids he had always been different. Constantly in and out of the psych ward but that never stopped you from liking him when you were little. He was like the brother you never had. Unfortunately after moving in together your life turns into a nightmare that you can’t wake up from.

Word count: 5938

Previous | Next

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Your fingers twitched as they continuously traced a pattern against your jeans. A nervous habit you had formed within the recent months. Your eyes consistently flickered around the room and your pupils were a little too dilated to be considered normal. Paranoia had long set in as your breath hitched unevenly. He would be back soon. When was the last time you had even left the house?

The question caused your mind to trail back to your earliest memory you could collect, It had been atleast a month since. A month since he had caught you talking to Jungkook, a month when he claimed you were his, a month since he officially became the breeder of your never ending nightmare.

There were days when Taehyung was stable, where he was genuinely the person you knew since you were a child, where he’d pout and joke with that boxy grin. Then there were days where he had psychotic breakdowns, where he’d scream at you, lock you in your room, he had even destroyed your phone after seeing you texting your good friend Namjoon.

It was beginning to get more and more difficult coming up with excuses every time you did manage to get out of the house to get to school. Which you were already failing due to being so behind in class from missing so long. Hoseok- your best friend since you had started college was getting increasingly worried each time he saw you. Your eyes stale and dark circles plagued them, you were constantly fidgeting and glancing at your phone anytime he saw you. You knew it was bad, but at this rate, was there anything you could do?

Your new phone had been confiscated by Taehyung who only ever allowed you to have less then five minutes a day on it. Your professor had been sending you material via email since you hadn’t been able to arrive to class- bless the mans heart. But not all of your professors were as kind as your Major’s. But even then access onto your laptop was limited with the internet being disconnected majority of the day.

The twitch in your finger continued as you thrummed them against the surface of the laptop that sat in your lap, your thesis still unfinished as it had been all day long. Most days were often like this, it was a miracle you got anything done or completed around the house let alone for school. That was if you were even allowed to go to school to present it. Upon thinking about all of this it finally dawned on you how pathetic it must sound, you were just merely a puppet now and Taehyung was your puppet master.

But there was nothing you could do, there was a time when you could but you chose not too. It almost made you humorlessly laugh, you actually had a chance once upon a time, a chance of avoiding this living hell. And you chose not to do anything about it. But now it was too late, it was too far gone and so was Taehyung.

Hearing the door open caused you to jolt as your shallow breathes halted, he was home. Your eyes quickly launched down back to your computer, deleting your last string of lines before rewriting them in attempt to look busy. The footsteps heaved behind you before you felt an all too familiar grip wrap around you, “I’ve missed you sweetheart.” Taehyung murmured as he buried his face into your neck. Your body involuntarily tensed as you forcefully swallowed back your fear, “I-I’ve missed you too.”

Any other reply would provoke him, and it didn’t take you long to figure out Taehyung was not someone too provoke. You could feel his lips against your neck curling up at your words even if they were so obviously faked. After a moment he let his chin rest against your shoulder as his eyes scanned over the computer.

It may have seemed innocent to anyone else but you knew better, he was looking for any trace of you possibly finding an outlet to the world outside. You had long since tried but he had never stopped being on guard, his shoulders relaxed when his scan was over before humming out, “When is your thesis due?”

“Tomorrow.” You murmured, your gaze staying planted on the keyboard as you attempted to relax your coiled body, you couldn’t help it though, this reaction was self inflicted from him. It wasn’t always like this.

Taehyung appeared to be calculating something in his head before he finally spoke up, “You can go to class tomorrow to present it, I know my baby’s been working hard.” He kissed your neck causing all of your hard work of attempting to relax go to waste as your body tensed again. He never seemed to mind though as he pecked your neck over and over again.

But his words had brightened your day significantly, you’d actually be allowed to go outside, to campus, you’d see your friends for the first time in a long time.

“But remember,” Your chest suddenly squeezed at the darkening in his tone, “No running off once you’ve finished your classes, I’ll be there to pick you up.”

It was like the butterflies had been plucked of their wings for a minute, but you stiffly nodded your head, you weren’t going to ruin the only chance you had of going out, “Of course.” You murmured. In fact, you shouldn’t have expected any less from him. He would never loosen his tight grip on you, if he allowed you to actually see your friends, attend classes as normal you could learn to love him.

But now all you could muster was fear in his presence, it was long past that point now. Pressing one last chaste kiss against your neck he finally released his hold on you, feeling as though you were released from a silent choke hold you let out a relieved breath, “I’ll let you keep working sweetheart. I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me.”

You didn’t bother to turn around to listen to him, as if you’d ever voluntarily speak to him. Taehyung really wasn’t that unpleasant of a person to be around, he could be a completely different in front of his friends. But as soon as that front door shut he was a ticking time bomb.

One you’d rather not gamble with. You were silently thankful for your thesis being due, had it been a regular day you would’ve without a doubt been forced onto to couch for a movie and cuddle session. It wasn’t inherently bad but after witnessing so many of his tantrums firsthand many would simply call you traumatized.

Taking a deep breath in hopes of calming your erratic heart beat you closed your eyes, you didnt have to worry about this tonight. Taehyung was actually a very considerate person when it came to letting you get what you needed done. If only he was that tolerate when it came to letting you have anyone in your life.

Letting your body relax as you exhaled you opened your eyes before refocusing on finishing your thesis, now knowing you’d actually be able to present it gave you the encouragement to continue.

---

Packing up from your last class you sighed in contentment, it was nice and sunny out reflecting your happy mood. You had forgotten how much you enjoy social interaction until today. Zipping up your bag you slung it over your shoulder as you began walking towards the door, “Y/n! Where have you been!” You froze slightly at your friends voice. Hoseok’s smile was as bright as the sun that shined through the window upon seeing you.

You could have hurried out of the classroom but seeing him so happy to see you made you feel bad, you didn’t mean to make your friends worry. Checking your phone you bit your lip, your professor had finished up lecture ten minutes early. You had time.

Giving him a small smile you walked over, “Sorry for the worry, I’ve just been dealing with family affairs.”

Hoseok’s smile faltered upon hearing your words, you technically hadn’t been dealing with anything. Not since your parents abrupt death- but to anyone on the outside it was a good enough cover. You felt your stomach churn in sickness, you were using your own parents death as an excuse.

Did that make you in some way just as sick as Taehyung? No it couldn’t, you weren’t the one that killed them. You hadn’t even realized how uneven your breaths had gotten or the tears in your eyes until your vision of Hoseok blurred. Quickly he huddled you against him into a hug, “I’m so sorry Y/n. Were you

able to hold a funeral?”

You knew why he was asking, had it been any other situation you would’ve invited them all in hopes of some sort of comfort but of course Taehyung wouldn’t allow that, hell you hadn’t even had a funeral for them, “N-no, it was too painful.” Your attempt to stop crying was futile though, it was too late. You had too much pint up trauma to keep it under wraps anymore in the warm presence of your kind friend.

Of course Hoseok wouldn’t question it, he would assume this was all under the guise of losing your parents, but that was only a fraction of the weight your heart had been carrying. After a few minutes you swallowed back your tears and silent cry for help, you couldn’t risk telling him about it.

Not after seeing what Taehyung could and would do to keep you under his thumb. Hoseok opened the door for you as you sniffed, wiping the last remnants of your tears, “I’m sorry Hoseok. I’ve just been taking time off to recover at home.”

Hoseok only shook his head as you both entered the hallway, making way for the flight of stairs to head down to the first floor as he replied, “You don’t need to apologize Y/n, I can’t even imagine how devastating that must be. You better get home and get some rest.”

But just the idea of home was enough to almost make you start crying again, because home was not home. It was your golden cage you could only ever escape from with his permission. Swallowing thickly you forced a smile onto your lips, it came out more like a grimace as you replied, “Yeah I will.”

Both of you had finished walking down the stairs and were making your way out the large metal double doors when you noticed them. Your heart almost jumping into your throat when you saw Seokjin huff crossing his arms, “What do you mean your car as a flat tire? Can’t you just get it changed?”

Looking away sheepishly Jungkook laughed, “If I had a spare I would. I’ll take it into the auto shop tomorrow but for now I really need a ride.” He gave his signature bunny like smile that no one could truly deny. Forcing Seokjin to groan as he flicked his step brothers forehead, “What am I gonna do with- Y/n!”

You instantly ducked your head while cringing, looking towards the ground as your shoulders tensed. Gripping the strap of your backpack tightly as Seokjin hurried over, “Are you okay!? You haven’t been responding to any of my calls.”

“I’m sorry Seokjin...I’ve just...been going through the motions a lot lately.” You struggled to string a coherent sentence together as guilt gnawed in you once more. All of your friends were so worried, you couldn’t just tell them though. You loved them so much you didn’t want to put them in danger for your sake.

Seokjin’s eyes softened as he sighed, “I know, I just get concerned when we don’t touch base. Are doing okay?”

“I could be better,” You gave a tense smile, realizing what you said wouldn’t be good enough you quickly shrugged as you attempted to laugh, “But life goes on right? I can’t...keep staying holed up forever y’know?”

Smiling Seokjin ruffled your hair as he nodded, “Right, I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“I’ll try to make it.” You nodded, lying through your teeth. But you couldn’t worry them anymore then possible. Above anything else their safety came before your own, “Then I’ll see you soon.” Seokjin nodded pleased, his expression suddenly shifted as he glanced at Jungkook, who had been awkwardly looking away from you both.

Seokjin glanced towards Hoseok and as if they had an unspoken conversation they said goodbye to you and went ahead, “Go on you dipshit,” You watched Seokjin attempt to quietly whisper to his brother as he shoved Jungkook towards you, “Go ask her while she’s here.”

Gritting his teeth Jungkook glared at his brother muttering something you weren’t quite able to make out before he turned back to you, his expression melting instantly as his eyes softened, “Hey Y/n,” he greeted softly as he walked closer, you glanced away, suddenly feeling nervous before looking back towards him with a sheepish smile, “I just wanted to say I’m sorry for everything that happened. I know an apology won’t do much but...”

Pressing his lips together he trailed off before finishing gently, “But I just wanted you to know we’re all here for you.”

Your chest spread in warmth from his kind words, and for the first time in a long time you felt a genuine smile pull on your lips, with tired eyes that didn’t go unnoticed you nodded, “Thank you.”

It was quiet but it was the happiness you had felt in a long time.

It’s not like you could really reach out to them, but having that reminder made you feel better. One day, one day you’d be able to ask for their help, “What is it that you wanted to ask me?”

Jungkook’s expression suddenly took on that of a deer in the headlights as he coughed, looking away from you highly flustered, “Um- you- uh- heard that?” He nervously laughed.

You found yourself involuntarily smiling, at his reddening face, forgetting how much you enjoyed that shy boyish expression, he coughed again attempting to gain the confidence to look back at you as he flusteredly replied, “It’s nothing- I mean you’ve been going through so much recently I doubt you’d want to go- Not that there’s a problem with that! You have every right-“

“Jungkook, it’s fine,” You smiled, still unsure of what he was talking about, but seeing him again, actually talking to him again, it made you realize how much you had missed his presence, “I need to start- moving on- y’know? I’ve been a shut in forever. I need to start going out again.”

While you felt nostalgic a smaller voice in your head was also yelling at you. This would be considered heresy if Taehyung ever caught word of you saying this, he owned you. There was no going out on your accord.

But here you were coaxing him to tempt you anyways, it had just been so long since you had done anything.

“W-well....” Jungkook fidgeted at your words as his eyes darted back away from yours, having never quite lost his flustered temperament, “Namjoon was throwing a party at his house tomorrow night- I was wondering if you’d....” He sheepishly smiled, running a hand against the back of his head before continuing, “If you’d go with me....You don’t have to of course! I wouldn’t blame you at all if you’d rather stay home.”

You had opened your mouth despite not really quite knowing what to say, no was the most obvious choice. In fact, you shouldn’t have even let him get this far, but a part of you desperately wanted to say yes. You hadn’t even made a sound before the sudden ding of your phone went off forcing you to snap your mouth shut. Opening your phone as you tensed slightly.

“Here babe, you better be behaving.”

“Is everything okay Y/n?” Jungkook stepped closer, concern written on his face as you forced a tense smile.

Nodding as you quickly stepped back, your eyes scanning over the open courtyard, “O-of course! Um- I- I have to go!” You murmured frantically, your nerves on tilt again, “I’ll meet you at the party okay?” Out of all the things you could’ve blurted it had to be confirmation of you attending.

You quickly walked past him before suddenly stopping, “Also! Uh- my phone hasn’t had any service so don’t worry about texting me.” Before Jungkook could even say goodbye you had scurried away.

Your heart pounded in your chest and your legs felt weak as you rounded the corner, seeing the familiar black mustang where Taehyung sat texting.

Quickly getting in you collapsed into the seat, your legs relieved to be weightless but your twitching fingers wouldn’t stop. Lips pressed against your temple as Taehyung gave you a dorky smile- one so many people would perceive as loving, “How was class babe?” Clearly pleased that you had arrived not a moment late.

“I-it went well! Thank you for letting me go today.” You nodded attempting your best not too stutter, your hands still shaky as you gave him a nervous smile.

Resting his hand on top of your thigh he gave a happy hum as he pulled out of the parking lot. Watching as the campus ground became a distant sight you sighed. It felt as though you were prisoner going back to her cell. And you supposed, you in a way- were doing just that.

---

The more you thought about it the more anxious you became. You had intended bringing up going to school to Taehyung but anytime you asked to talk to him you could never quite find the courage. It was nearing seven pm and you’d imagine the party would be starting soon. You could easily stand Jungkook up, hell he’d probably even apologize but he didn’t deserve that.

You continued fiddling with your shirt in thought as the TV played monotonously in the background. Taehyung had disappeared into his bedroom awhile back and had yet to make an appearance. The more you thought about it the more you ridiculed yourself, it was such a stupid idea. For all you knew Taehyung would be staying in tonight, there’d be no way to escape for a night with him home.

You sighed sinking into the couch, an uncomfortable feeling setting into your chest at the idea of unintentionally leading Jungkook on, he was so sweet and deserved so much better then you. A wash of guilt flooded you and you could feel your face getting hot as tears attempted to blur your vision.

Come to think of it, you didn’t deserve any of your friends. Hearing a door shut you suddenly jumped out of your skin, hurriedly rubbing your eyes as you attempted to busy yourself with the book that sat unread for nearly an hour. Taehyung had entered the room, leaning over the couch as he pressed a kiss onto your cheek, “I’m headed out tonight sweetheart, behave while I’m gone.”

You almost dropped the book from your hand as you twisted around to face him, he was going out? He was dressed in a pair of distressed jeans, a white button up and a leather jacket. With styled back hair showing off his forehead just about any girl outside of your house would’ve considered him boyfriend material. If only they knew...

“Going out?” You didn’t mean to croak out his sentence, looking like a lost little puppy with raised eyebrows. To most people they’d rightfully assume you were shocked. But Taehyung was not most people as he nodded solemnly, “My friends keep annoying me about it...I don’t have to go. If you don’t want me too.”

“No!” You said a little too quickly before sharply stopping yourself, giving a small cough as you glanced away for a second, not wanting to sound too eager, “It’s okay...” You murmured, finally glancing back up at him, grabbing his large hand into your own as you gave him a fake smile, “You hardly have anytime to hang out with them anymore, go on. Don’t worry about me.”

If he could physical manifest hearts into his eyes you were positive Taehyung would’ve, he looked so lovestruck it almost made you uncomfortable, he suddenly popped down, pressing his lips against yours. It had took just about every fiber in your body to not push him away.

You were left little choice in the matter as his hand clamped against your jaw before parting his lips, bitting against your bottom one delicately before breaking away. Letting his forehead rest against yours as his lips pulled into a smirk, “You’re such a good girl Y/n. I’ll be back soon.”

As soon as he turned his back you outwardly cringed, rubbing your mouth as he closed the door at the entrance. It took a you a solid minute of you sitting on the couch zoned out before it really hit you. He left, he was gone. You could go out. But what if he came back before you did? Dread filled your stomach again but your legs weren’t having it.

Standing up you swallowed your fear as you shook your head. Two hours, you’d let yourself have two hours of freedom before returning home. Just two hours, that would be enough. You went back to your room to get dressed, finding a pair of distressed high waisted jeans and regular white T shirt tucked in. Grabbing the over sized knit cardigan you struggled to get it over your shoulders as you hurriedly grabbed your bag.

Just two hours. Intending to open the door your hands froze at the knob, could you really do this? You glanced at it like it was your life line, if he caught you...there was no telling what the punishment would be. If he caught you with who you were with. You swallowed thickly, there was a one way ticket to the grave sight. Taehyung didn’t even a bat an eye when he killed your parents, he wouldn’t have any trouble with your friends. But it’s only two hours! Taking a deep breath you exhaled before opening the door.

By the time you arrived the party was in full swing, the music blared and while the house was all too familiar you felt skittish in such a loud environment. But Jungkook was somewhere in there. Sighing you fiddled with the yarn of your cardigan before forcing yourself up the few steps, wedging yourself past the few frat boys that had always shown up.

The noise was naturally worse on the inside and the lighting had been replaced with colored LED bulbs disorienting the room, the music made your entire chest vibrate as you squeezed your way into the mass of bodies.

Namjoon was not technically a party person himself, but he was a very social and popular person on campus and a great host to be fair. But this was ridiculous, if everyone wanted to party couldn’t they just get the same effect at a club? Over the top was definitely in his name.

Regardless of the flashy atmosphere the limited space had began to give you a sense of claustrophobia you weren’t aware of having. Feeling your breathes become uneven as you tried your best to focus on the crowd in hopes of spotting the doe eyed boy.

“Y/n!” It seemed he had found you first, calling out your name as he gently clasped your arm, causing you to turn sharply to him, “I’m glad you could make it.” Jungkook smiled as he began to tug you over towards the wall where it was less crowded, a blonde you were unfamiliar with appeared to be talking with Namjoon.

Unconsciously Jungkook wrapped a hand around your waist to keep from losing you in the crowd as you both approached the other men. The blond had stopped mid sentence as his eyes landed on you and Jungkook, trailing down to your stomach as he called out, “You didn’t tell me you were bringing your lady friend!”

You pressed your lips together as you glanced towards your feet as you both stopped in front of them. Looking back up just in time to see Jungkook’s glare as he thumped the back of his friends head, “Jimin shut up.” He hissed out quietly.

“Y/n! It’s been forever, how have you been?” Namjoon quickly took your attention off the hot mess of two friends glaring at each other, offering you a genuine dimpled smile.

Giving a small smile in return you shrugged despite the inside of your chest wanting to implode with how much torment you had been through, “I’ve been better but- I can’t live my life cooped up in my room. I’m glad I could make it.” Your words were genuine, you really were glad to make it. It almost felt like you were a normal college student again. But you couldn’t exactly do what most would do here, not if you wanted to get back home at your designated time.

Giving your shoulder a comforting squeeze Namjoon nodded in agreement, “It’s all you can do, I’m glad to see your healing Y/n-“ Stopping mid sentence as if he spotted something in the crowd he sighed exasperatedly, “I’ll be back in a minute.”

Laughing you nodded him to go ahead as you turned back to Jungkook and Jimin who appeared to be bickering, “Should I leave you two or...?”

They both instantly stopped before Jimin smirked grabbing your hand, “No of course not! You’re too pretty to go back out there. I’m Jimin.” You assumed he was being chivalrous in kissing your hand- had Jungkook not quickly snatched it away, lacing his own fingers in yours. A certain glint in his eye that felt foreign looking at. Jimin suddenly snickered as he continued, “Sorry I can’t help but tease. Kook never shuts up about you.”

A smile began to curl up onto your lips as Jungkook huffed, puffing out his chest slightly as he shot Jimin another look, “Would you go away?”

“Fine, fine.” Jimin laughed again as he raised his hands in surrender, “I’ll leave you two alone.” He winked as Jungkook scowled again despite his reddening face.

Sighing Jungkook rubbed his forehead before looking down at you sheepishly smiling, “I’m sorry about him.”

“No, it’s fine- Do you both work together?” You asked turning towards him slightly to get a better view. He looked especially good tonight, his black hair covering his forehead and maroon long sleeved shirt hugged nicely against his chest.

Jungkook gave a sigh, a smile lingering on his lips as he ran a hand though his hair, “No we’re in the academy together, he’s one of my closest friends so he wanted to come tonight. If he didn’t tease so much I wouldn’t mind him staying.”

Remembering Jimin’s previous remarks you couldn’t quite blame him as you laughed, shaking your head at the thought, “No it’s fine, looks like you didn’t really care for his flirting either huh.”

Jungkook’s eyes dilated slightly as he quickly looked away from your smirking figure, cheeks reddening again as he rubbed the back of his neck, “W-well...I...” he looked sheepish again unable to reply as you began to laugh.

He was too adorable for his own good, he ducked his head further down at the sound of your voice, “-Do you want a drink?” Jungkook coughed out quickly attempting to change the subject as he finally peered back up at you, cheeks still flushed.

“I would, but I promised myself I wouldn’t drink tonight.” You gave another smile, amused by his flustered state. Jungkook nodded understandingly before tugging on your hands which you had now noticed were still held, “I’m sure we can find some soda at the back of fridge.”

Despite feeling your face grow hot you allowed him to pull you through the crowd. His grip strong but not too tight on your hand, just enough to make you feel safe. Safe...you hadn’t felt that in a long time. Glancing down at your laced fingers you almost felt a pit in your stomach grow. What would Taehyung do if he caught sight of this?

You knew the answer already, but you were sure killing Jungkook would be considered kind for Taehyung, and he wasn’t kind to anyone who threatened him. You were thankful Jungkook held your hand, had he not it surely would’ve started twitching again. Your free hand was beginning to shake as all your thoughts flooded back to Taehyung. When would he be home? Was he already home? Was he looking for you?

“Y/n?” It seemed Jungkook had been calling your name as he finally turned around fully, noticing your paled skin and shaky breathes, “Hey! Hey, hey it’s okay.”

He instantly clasped your shoulders bringing you closer to him as your vision began to blur, “C-can we go somewhere quieter?” You tried your best to keep your voice steady, unable to look up at him as the tears began to fall down your face. He knew, he had too.

You shouldn’t have been asking Jungkook to do anything, you should’ve gone home and waited for punishment. It’s the only thing you could do if you didn’t want anyone else to die. Jungkook however nodded quickly, tucking you against his side as he wedged you both through the mass of bodies.

Both of you had exited the living room and went upstairs into the outer hallway that over looked the living room.

It was a fair bit quieter and the majority of people hung out by the railing where it outlooked. Jungkook gently stopped you, letting your back press against the wall for support as his grip softened against your arms, “Better?”

You nodded, feeling at a loss for words, looking up at him for a brief moment before tears began to resurface. Not use to such kindness as you attempted to swallow back a sob. Jungkook let go of your arms only to hold your face, pushing back the tears as he quietly hushed you, “What’s going on Y/n? Everyone’s been worried about you. You were fine but now your phone doesn’t work, you’re never at school any more....” Jungkook pauses, as if gauging your reaction, pressing his lips together before he sighed, “You look so paranoid anytime I see you. Y/n, please tell me what’s going on, you can trust me, okay?”

He wasn’t sure what he said wrong but your tears quickly spilt down faster as your breath became ragged, shaking your head almost violently as you quietly sobbed out, “Y-you don’t understand...I..I can’t-“ finally you grabbed his shirt before launching yourself against him, tightly wrapping your arms around him as if he’d disappear from the world, “Please don’t leave me...”

Jungkook must’ve been took a back for moment having stayed still before wrapping his arms back around you, letting his chin rest on the top of your head as he sighed, “Of course I won’t, but I can’t help if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.”

His prying only made your grip tighten, refusing to talk anymore until you could properly speak. Jungkook, being as patient as he was only held you closer. Waiting for whenever you were ready to open up on what was going on.

Finally you peeled yourself away from his chest while taking a shaky breath, arms still loosely wrapped around him as you glanced up at him. Eyes darting quickly as hesitance refilled you. Could you really tell him? Would he be safe? You opened your mouth finally resigning to tell the truth, Jungkook was so warm, so safe, he was everything you needed to feel okay again, “W-well I...”

Trailing off you never had a moment to continue your sentence as Jungkook was suddenly ripped away from you.

Eyes dark enough to swallow you whole glowered at Jungkook and the deadly aura was enough to cause you to pale, “What the fuck do you think you’re doing to my girlfriend?” Taehyung spat out, grabbing Jungkook by the collar of his shirt. Your feet felt as though they planted to the floor and you became breathless, all of your paranoia had told you this would happen. Of course he would be at the same party, all of his friends went to the same college as you. This is what you got for not listening, now because of your selfishness someone you loved was going to pay the price.

Jungkook looked utterly foreign to you in this moment as he glared harshly at the other male, grabbing his wrist before shoving Taehyung off him, “You’re the reason she’s been acting like this isn’t it?” It was posed as a question but you could tell it was an accusation. Had Jungkook always been this tall? Had he always been so intimidating?

He had already placed himself in front of you protectively but Taehyung’s eyes had dilated in anger making you swallow thickly, “Thats none of your fucking business,” His voice was calm but there was a quiver of anger in it, “Unless you’re ready to put one foot into your grave Jeon, get out of my way.”

But Jungkook wasn’t budging at the threat. Unfortunately you wouldn’t let this happen, you didn’t know if Taehyung was armed but you wouldn’t let anyone else be hurt because of you. Quickly side stepping Jungkook your vision started blurring again, “I-it’s fine...”

Jungkook was already objecting, grabbing your arm as he replied, “No it’s not Y/n! This is far from okay!”

Taehyung’s grip on your other arm was stronger though as he ripped you away from him, wrapping a possessive arm around you harshly, “This isn’t over Jeon.” He sneered and you could tell it was far from over, no he was going to make Jungkook’s life a living hell.

Jungkook only glowered at him as he replied, “You’re right. It isn’t,” his eyes lowered to you, his harsh expression melting softly, “I’ll get you soon Y/n, I promise.”

You were already being dragged away though, Taehyung’s fingers dug into your waist enough to leave bruises, he was beyond angry as he drug you down the stairs and out the door.

Almost tripping several times on the pavement you were finally at the mustang which you were shoved into the backseat of. Taehyung leaned inside. Arms on either side of you caging you in as he snarled, “Don’t you get it? I love you. You don’t get fucking a choice. Jeon is gonna pay for touching you.” His eyes had severally dilated letting you know he had gone far past his stable point, “I’ll rip off every finger on his hand. Nobody touches you except me. Nobody. You don’t get to love anyone except me. I’ll kill him, and I’ll make you watch while I do it as punishment.”

You had to turned away from him with eyes tightly shut, shaking your head as the tears continued down your face. Curling against yourself as soon as he lifted himself off from you, slamming the door as he got into the drivers seat, starting the car.

You had feeling you weren’t going home.

[serpvntines-blog]

* // was that really ADAIR CAVENDISH? it’s been a long time since that PUREBLOOD wore the SLYTHERIN colours around the halls of hogwarts. i suppose the whispers of muggle borns swearing they saw MILENA TSCHARNTKE were about them, which does make more sense. so tell me, is it true she works as a SECRETARY AT THE MINISTRY OF MAGIC? i suppose there’s no better way to make the most of their AMBITIOUS and CUT-THROAT nature. funny how time flies, i remember our first day and hogwarts and now they’re NINETEEN years old.

what up, i’m britt, i’m not nineteen and i never fucking learned how to do an intro ! kia ora koutou, ya girl is late to the game as always but i am super excited to be here, this place looks incredible, props to the admins bc  🔥 🔥 🔥, i suck at intros good god but i’m gonna try my best. under the cut there’s some info on my little evil babe. please feel free to hmu for plotting, i promise i’m nice and to those who already have --- i’m gonna reply asap. i’m also on discord at britty is shitty#6471 but otherwise just hit the like button and i’ll come to you !

* // about

adair has been my brain child for so so long, but this is my first time actually playing her in a rp !

tbh all you really need to know is that she is a truly awful human being and just a big ol snakey snake

she was born to emerson and amelia cavendish, though not part of the sacred 28, they were strong voldemort supporters and big believers in blood purity and all that jazz. her family is relatively well-off, emerson being high up in banking at gringotts and ever since they were born, her and her older sister were absolutely spoiled, nothing but the best

though it was power and not money that the cavendishs craved the most, wanting to climb up the social ladder, their family name held to as high regard as the averys or the lestranges

they installed the same ideals into their daughters, and saw them as tools to use to climb up the social ladder, the blonde haired, blue eyed girls batting their eyelashes to get their parents to mingle in with the best. 

the wizarding war gave them this opportunity too, adair’s father’s connections allowing him to support the death eater movement --- though never anything too publicly. they were notoriously careful in covering their tracks. there was little power one could have in prison.

for the cavendishs, it was family over everything

obviously adair and her family were less than pleased with the outcome of the war, though their hope in the dark lord and what he stood for would not be distinguished. fear could and would always control the masses

as her and her sister grew up it seemed clear that the best way for them to further push their quest for power amoung the death eaters was through marriage.

adair had learnt at a young age that men were stupid and simple, big blue eyes, and the right words coming from pretty lips could get you anywhere.

on the surface she may seem sweet, she is basically the epitome of “look like an innocent flower but be the serpent under it”

very sweet seeming on the surface, but if you ever asked her to cat sit she would rob you for all you’re worth and then kill your cats throat for good measure.

basically under that facade, she's incredibly cunning and ruthless, nothing and nobody can stop her from achieving her goal and she’d like to see you try quite frankly

got a secretary job after her last year at hogwarts using her father’s connections, but she couldn’t care less about it

she cannot wait to retire from working in a couple of years and live off her husband’s money, pop out a few kids before living in luxury, sipping martinis in her fur coat for the rest of her life.

mainly uses her job as a way to get information from inside the ministry and use it in whatever way she - or her family - wishes.

her ultimate goal is to marry someone from the sacred 28, so if ur rich and still a pureblood have fun trying to get rid of her !!! she especially wants to find a better husband than her sister and before she does bc a giant superiority complex

tbh it’s truly debatable she has a heart or any morals or is even alive, the only people she cares about is her family and everyone else can die tbh

* // wanted connections

friends - would have to be as horrible as her. though she seems nice on the surface if you’re not any use to her she’s never gonna bother to get to know you, maybe some slytherin dorm mates from her time at hogwarts? or any of her socialite friends

potential marriages - anyone eligible she will sink her claws into so i’d love to see that dynamic tbh. at this point she’s more attracted to power than anything else so

former flings - probably just people she used for information, could be at the ministry or before, up to y’all tbh 

honestly im open for anything

other ideas could be people who work for her father ???? idk im tired

pls just love me and love her even tho its hard

* // extras

i have a pinterest board for an older adair here

i think that’s it??? again just hmu or like this and ill come to yall <3

[dcuglybooks]

A short story collection featuring stories that are either mean and ugly like that turd that thudded you in school, or sweet and cuddly as a little gloomy kitten; or puppy if you’re more of a dog person.

Stories Christians don't have to read backwards. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08LGB4HGN/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glc_fabc_UIpaGb2VC4BBX

Here’s a free short.

WAP: WEIRD ASS PHANTOM

“There’s a ghost in this house. There’s a ghost in this house.”

Linda was getting tired of the shit. Every day at exactly noon her alarm would play this shitty overdubbed version of a Cardi B song. The original song wasn’t her cup of tea to begin with, this new version that sounded like drunk karaoke was even worse. Most times she would be sitting there and the sound of a drunk sorority girl would make her jump out of her skin. She couldn’t even find the song or alarm in her phone to do anything about it.

Linda and her girlfriend, Melissa, moved into this old house last month, the rent was so damn cheap; landlord said it was because it used to be a party house so he never charged much. The logic didn’t make any sense but at $300 a month and a mile outside of town, how were they not going to sign that lease?

“I think,” spoke Melissa one night while watching her phone float around taking pictures in the air, “the reason rent is so cheap is because it’s haunted.”

“You think?” Replies Linda while snatching the phone out of the air. “I just wish this damn ghost would stop posting pictures of our bedroom to our Instagram accounts. Did you see the caption last night?”

“Oh you mean ‘Pumpkin spice is almost here. Basic bitches, rejoice!’ The comma is what set me off. Why did she put a comma in that? Why bother? It wasn’t even used correctly I don’t believe.”

“We’re being haunted by a basic bitch.”

“I think that may be offensive.”

“I hear it all the time, it just...... yeah ok maybe. I guess I shouldn’t assume this ghost is a bad stereotype, I won’t say it again.”

“True, this girl may have more going for her than just these annoying social media posts from our accounts”

“Remember the mirror though?”

Last week as the couple were eating dinner they heard a clatter and crash from the upstairs bathroom. Running full speed ahead up the stairs and around the corner Linda saw all their makeup in a pile in the empty sink. She could see a pair of red lipsticked lips floating in the air while eyeliner was seemingly drawn onto the air in a cat eye shape. She sighed and said “What now?” These types of things had been going on since the first night so at this point it was old hat.

The lipstick went to the mirror and wrote “I am finally going to kill you.” Linda took a step back prepared to flee until the lipstick wrote below it “JK LOL YOUR FACE” and then the face floated off into the wall leaving behind the makeup like some sort of painting.

The first time anything strange had happened, a pizza showed up at the front door; delivery for an Amanda Perkins. The girl who moved out recently, they took the pizza because it was already paid for and assumed the girl had made a mistake. They were sure of this as they sat and watched old re-runs of home improvement and munched away; then they noticed the slice floating over in the air above the recliner and the chewed up pile on the seat. They screamed and ran outside, Melissa forgot her phone inside and Linda’s made a ding from inside her pocket.

“Hey I know this is really weird, it’s weird AF for me too. We can make it work though, ladies. I swear I won’t bother you, I already cleaned up my mess.”

They inched inside looking around like scared toddlers and sure enough the mess was cleaned up. After that they just rolled with the weirdness.

“Are you sure Amanda left, Mr. Morris?” Linda was on the phone with the landlord.

“Yes. Positive. Why would you think she still lived there?”

“There’s been..... some things.”

“Drunk college girl, she probably stumbled home one night and forgot she went home for the summer. Its no deal. Not big or small.”

“Are you absolutely positive there is no deal? Big, small, medium, or slightly larger than medium but not quite large?”

“What do you think? I know her ex and he killed her and then buried her body in the basement so now her ghost is haunting you. This is why I charge so cheap rent! No. I don’t believe what you think. I will be going.”

He hung up without ever realizing Linda never once mentioned any of that other stuff. Linda thought, Why does he talk like that?

Turned out that’s exactly what had happened. After doing a quick google of the ghosts name they found out she never came home. After a quick Facebook search they found her ex boyfriends page. After some scrolling they found a post that said “Amanda and I broke up again and I am going to kill her.” The post had six likes and four comments.

“Get her bro!”

“Bitch ain’t appreciate you anyhow bet!”

“U need any ting lemme no”

“Fuk gr8 ass tho. Mind if I hit her up?”

These people were insane. Did not a single one of these people see the part about wanting to kill her? Actually PLANNING to kill her.

The police found it interesting enough to look into it, they found reason to arrest the guy. After a long court trial Amanda’s ex-boyfriend, Brent, was sentenced to life in prison for murder. The body was exhumed and buried at a family plot. The rent got more expensive because Mr. Morris was in prison for helping cover a murder so his aunt took over.

You win some you lose some.

Amanda did not leave though. The ghost hung out still to this day four months later. The social media posts kept going. The pizzas kept getting ordered, only now from their pockets because Amanda’s parents closed her bank account. Amanda was irritated about that, she was cut off from her parents money and stuck living with two other people.

Linda and Melissa tried to make her feel as comfy as possible, they left a pen and notebook in each room so she could communicate with them. Usually the notes were always about how bored she was being a ghost and how if she tried to leave the house it got all bright and she started floating. Amanda was “for real afraid of flying” as she wrote on a notebook.

Amanda’s behavior got strange at some point. She began doing things like drawing stick figures on the bathroom floor in shampoo, she would wrap herself in toilet paper and roll down the stairs creating the illusion of her body disappearing, the worst of it was when she would lay in bed with Linda and Melissa startling them when she pulled the blanket. It was like living with an invisible insane person. Either her mind was slipping or she was just a strange character. She would turn the TV on and watch the same episode of “King of Queens” for ten hours straight while they were at work. They wondered what would happen if they deleted it from the DVR but didn’t want to face that at all.

The alarm kept going off too; Linda had to hand out awkward smiles and apologies when it happened at work or in public. One time she had to apologize to a middle aged woman when it went off in the cereal aisle while shopping and her son started singing the lyrics to the original version as loud as his voice would allow. The mother gasped at all the words her kid knew and knocked a shelf of maple syrup over. The bottles burst all over the floor, Linda tried to help clean it up but she was shooed away by a guy with a mop bucket and a face that said he wanted her dead as shit.

They asked her multiple times what they could do to get her to move along, to which she would always write “sno-cone” on her notebook with no explanation.

Linda woke up sick on a Tuesday and didn’t go to work, she came into the bathroom and seen a note written in lipstick on the mirror that read “Baby, all my life I will be driving home to you.” She blushed, Melissa had left her a really sweet note on the mirror. When Melissa got home she surprised her with a bout of some of the best sex they had ever had, despite Linda being sick she felt overcome with love for her partner.

“Wow. What did I do to deserve that?” Asked Melissa after.

“The note.”

“Oh yes. The note, got you good with that one. So, if it was so good mind telling me what it said?”

“You know what it said!”

“Of course I do.”

She didn’t know what it said. She had no clue, but she wasn’t going to raise a stink about what just happened. No way, no how. She got up and went to use the restroom, as she sat on the toilet she looked up and saw the words on the mirror.

“LINDA!” She yelled. “I DIDNT LEAVE THAT! THATS THE GODDAMN LYRICS FROM THE THEME SONG FOR ‘THE KING OF QUEENS!’”

Linda didn’t know what to say; she shook her head and internally accepted defeat on this one. The couple didn’t talk about it again, the ends justified the means on this one they silently agreed; thanks Amanda.

The trio had carried on life like this for months, seven to be exact, when they heard a bang and a crash from the front door. Assuming this was yet again Amanda doing some goofy nonsense they ran downstairs to clean up the mess only to find a man standing their pointing a shotgun at them.

“You’re the dykes who got me locked up, aintcha?” Said a freshly broke out of prison Brent. “You know, usually I’m cool with like loving whoever and like rights and like equality and shit but tonight is not your night. Go sit.”

They were tied together on the couch while Brent sat channel flipping on the TV.

“Amanda is still here,” spoke Linda “she’s a ghost, at some point she’s going to help us and you’ll probably get hurt. She’s probably posting pictures on Instagram right now so she’s a little busy, but I promise when she finds out she’ll come running.”

“No she won’t.”

“Ok? So you think her post is going to get a ton of likes then?”

“She’s afraid of me.”

“Ugh are you generic ‘I beat my girlfriend’ guy number seventy or not?”

“Not.”

“Then why is she afraid of you?”

“I’m bigger than her…… I guess?”

“She’s a ghost.”

“I’m still bigger.”

​“How can you be bigger than an incorporeal being with no mass or weight?”

​“See, she doesn’t way anything.”

“You didn’t think any of this through did you?”

“Not one bit.”

“It shows. Why did you kill her?”

“Hey I’ve never been what you’d call a planner. I killed her because she broke up with me for the fiftieth time that year and all my friends were giving me a hard time about how I would just crawl back to her. I said ‘can’t crawl back to her if I kill her!’ They all thought it was funny so I did it.”

“Ah………Makes perfect sense to me.”

“A guy has to watch his reputation, right?”

They sat there watching late night infomercials in silence for another half hour. Linda nudged Melissa as she seen a phone floating around taking pictures of a floating can of soup.

Of all the ghosts in the world, why was theirs like this?

“Brent, there’s some stuff on the DVR” Linda told him.

“Good I hate infomercials. Oh yuck, ‘The King of Queens.’ I hate that show, Amanda loved it. That fat fucking heifer guy gets to make it with that babe every night. Fucking loser ass UPS guy”

They could see the phone slowly lower and start hovering towards Brent. They let him rant.

“And that Deacon guy, what a fucking idiot, he leaves his wife at one point which is silly because she’s so fucking hot.”

The can of soup hovered behind him.

“That guy that dates the ugly chick from the bowling alley, now I can’t tolerate him at all.”

The soup can shook with rage.

“He ends up living with the other guy right? Like what the fuck? Are they like a thing or not a thing? I didn’t pay enough attention. I did pretend to though to get some action every now and again, show fucking sucks though. Here I’ll do you guys a favor.”

As he deleted the episode from the DVR the can came slamming down into his head.

Again.

Again.

Again.

Again.

Again.

They heard a voice yell “MY BONES ARE GETTING WEARY! MY BACK IS GETTING TIGHT!” As the can of cream of chicken turned Brent’s head into cream of Brent’s brains.

After the violence stopped the notebook hovered in front of them and said “Sorry, I was on TikTok, I’ll clean this up tho.”

Much like the first night that’s exactly what happened. They were untied and they watched as the mess was cleaned up. Brent’s body floated over to the ground and the can of soup was laid on the table. The phone floated over to Melissa who dialed 911.

After the legal mess was cleaned up they decided that having Amanda around maybe was not such a bad idea. No one could really kill them, it was like having a built in security system. They did eventually add a third line to their cell plan and let her set up social media for herself as a reclusive twenty something who couldn’t leave the house due to a skin condition.

Her pages were ok, they didn’t get much interaction or followers but Amanda was happy. Sometimes people would say they wanted to hang out with her because they lived close, Amanda just said her skin condition was contagious AF. No one ever thought to say “Hey, what exactly IS your medical condition?” People could be so polite sometimes.

Christmas morning as they all opened gifts Linda and Melissa cried as Amanda opened the complete series collection of “The King of Queens.” The three sat on the couch together that evening and watched all of season one.

Baby all my life I will be driving home to you.

The next day they heard a familiar song. Together they both smiled and thought that yes, there was a ghost in this house.

[alaac]

Question, would someone who's diagnosed with high functioning autism and gets by in day to day life without accommodations,also makes good grades in higher education and has an active social life be disqualified from enlistment immediately? I always heard that, if someone with autism would be automatically disqualified after they found out.

I have absolutely no real idea about that.

I have my point of view to share tho.

For what’s following I will talk about Swiss army, as I have strictly no idea for any other military. I will also assume you, the asker, is the one with autism to make it simply a “you” instead of “someone who's diagnosed with high functioning autism”.

Very short version: it may be but they will find out either way so just don’t mention it and answer correctly to their questions

Long version under the cut

From my point of view tho, having social trouble would be a reason, I was nearly disqualified because I was bullied in school, and I can understand. Being at least part of the group a way or another is essential at the army, and if you can prove you can be part of the group by a not-too-weird way you can try to convince them. To rank group or squad leader tho that will probably be difficult. Again if you can prove that you can do it, but since it require extensive social skills (which myself am already lacking a bit of, authority is not natural in me, but I compensate with my excellent technical skills). Also, I am not really sure for privates, but stress managment was a very important part for me and I had a few times where I just broke (depending on your job, but on my experience, you WILL feel abandonned quite often).

I remember I had one private who was spending most of his time alone reading books and manga. He was a quiet, shy one, introvert I’d say. Doesn’t bother, as long as he can be part of the group when needed.

That also I have very limited knowledge on authism. I know stereotypes and a little about asperger, but that’s about it. And the guys at the recruitment center, beside the psy, probably don’t know more either.

So my advice would be first to know if you feel capable of doing such thing, and then to not bash it to the people’s face. First because in the recruitment process they will find out and you’ll have a quick appointment with a psy that will discuss what’s up in your life, so you can explain that you don’t have much social trouble and so on, and you don’t have to “warn” them that you are autist. Note that if you need to warn every people that you cannot do some simple task for non autist people, that’s probably not gonna work out for you

Second because going around saying “i’m this i’m that” could be seen as faking to bring attention. That will rathrer attract disregard and you’d be killing your chances.

Again, swiss army is a lot about being part of the group, and the groups are often changing. I am going to my first CR in less than a week and I have absolutely no idea who will be my tank crew. They’re probably total stranger, but for 3 weeks I’ll be their sergeant and they’ll be my gunners, loaders and drivers. I admit I am a bit stressed about it, but in the end it’s not that of a big deal, for me.

So after all this if you still feel like you don’t need a special treatment because of your condition, go for it. Explain it to the psy and affirm your will to do the army. Prehaps you even have motivation to further deal with your autism through the toughness of the army. They will decide if you can go or not. If really you think you should be able to and they tell you no, you still can ask to rethink about it, and you will go a second time see some psy and discussing again.

TL;DR:

1) Yes, autism can be disqualifying.

2) Don’t  bash it to people’s face as the recruitment tests will find it out and you’ll have to talk about it with specialists.

3) Don’t hide it either, this is both for your and the others good.

4) On the other side show your motivation to do the army.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #42

“i don’t ask much, i just want you.”

have you ever been to the white house?   no, i haven't. what are your plans for tomorrow?   not shit.  like always.  maybe be able to adopt my snake. do you have a debit card?   no why did you stop working at the last place you were employed?   i kept having anxiety attacks that induced vomiting. have you ever made out with a complete stranger?   no...? what would you do if you found out your ex was pregnant/fathered a child?   probably kill myself. are you very close to your siblings?   no would you kiss the last person you kissed again?   i'd love to. what bugged you about the last person you dated?   well i know now that he's not very understanding.  but he tried to be. have you ever slapped someone, why?   i hit my sister when i was little.  don't remember why. have you ever had sex with someone the same night you met them?   no, because i'm not a whore. if you could fly or breathe underwater, what would you choose?   the latter, i think. is your life the same as it was a year ago?   exactly the fucking same. are you in love with someone?   should be obvious enough. what is your relationship status? are you happy with that?   single, and no.  i'm lonely as fuck. have you ever thought you could do a better job at being president?   hell no. when people smoke around you, does it make you cough?   sometimes.  it'll always give me a headache. would you rather name your child michelle or monica?   michelle do you know anyone who works at mcdonald’s?   no have you ever felt like you lost a part of yourself?   i KNOW i fucking have.  when jason left, it was like the majority of me fucked off. have you ever suspected your mom or dad of having an affair?   no. when you younger and misbehaved, what did your parents threaten you with?   mom would threaten to spank me or take away computer privileges do you think it’s weird how babies are made?   i mean yeah, i guess, but it is what it is. how would you react if your last ex wanted to get back together?   i would just... fuck, man.  i'd be so damn happy. are you comfortable in a short skirt?   fuck no. do you and your family go on a vacation every year?   no.  we never do. when you were going out with your last ex and you had the chance to date your celebrity crush, would you have left your bf/gf for them?   absolutely not.  i don't care who my celeb crush is, no one lights a candle to jason. does your dad swear?   yeah if your last kiss asked you on a date, what would you say?   absofuckinglutely!!! do you think braces are sexy?   does anybody, really?  it's just something you tolerate.  i don't think anyone's "sexy quotient" is affected by whether or not she/he wears braces. do you know anyone that is gothic?   i'd love to be a goth if i could afford the wardrobe. how many coats of mascara do you use?   like two what were you almost named?   kathryn does your family hire someone to do your chores for you?   no do you know how to use photoshop?   very vaguely how about sony vegas?   yeah what is the main reason you want to have children when you grow up?   idk, i just... do?  when i was with jason, i wanted children because i loved him so much and thus human instinct would have it i wanted his kids, but now that i'm with nobody idk, i just want kids one day.  i guess. what do you struggle with?  depression, anxiety, ptsd, bipolarity, no job, no money...  i struggle with everything. are you self conscious?  VERY what is the name on your birth certificate (feel free to withhold your last name for privacy reasons)?   brittany marie is all you need to know. what day did you take your first breath?   february 5th, 1996 what are the names of the lovely individuals that brought you into this world?   donna and ken. the stereotyped image of a girl LOVES to shop. does this hold true to you?   i like to shop only if it's for myself.  i know that sounds greedy, but i just like... don't get the pleasure sensation otherwise. even if shopping isn’t your favorite... every girl has a favorite store. what’s yours?   hottopic which type of undies do you wear most: Thongs, bikini/briefs, bootyshorts, or granny panties?   if i wear underwear, bikini. describe your style for me, using minimal words?   comfortable do you have a walk in closet? do you even have a closet it all?   no, yes. tampons or pads? why?   tampons, because i don't like feeling like wearing a bloody diaper. do you ever pamper yourself? what do you do?   no, because i'm fucking poor. do you like surprises?   no.  i get scared of what it is. how many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?   none. when is the last time you watched a hockey game?   yearrrrssss ago. ever been paid for sex or a sexual favor?   nope. have you ever been to a strip club?  no, and i never will. do you listen to a variety of music, or do you tend to stick to one genre?   i stick to a genre.  metal. when you’re going to be at home all day, do you bother to get out of your pajamas?   no.  which is like every day. do you play angry birds?   no.  i just recently saw the movie tho and it was super cute. what do you have pierced on you?   ears, nose. what’s important about april?   my little sister's birthday is there anyone who hates you?   probably if I say “psycho”, who is the first person that comes to your mind?   me dated someone more than once?   no where did you get the last shirt you were wearing?   hottopic does your mom know your deepest darkest secrets?   no. are you scared of needles?   nah, not really. do you know what an ‘amv’ is?   yeah, i make them sometimes. how many songs are on your ipod/mp3 player?   over 1,000 are there any orange clocks in your house?   no do mice freak you out?  not at all. how many formal dances did you or have you gone to in high school?   i went to two proms. is there a certain movie you always cry at when you watch it?   yeah, "the notebook" tears me up everytime. are any of your siblings married?  yeah do you like kiwi?   hell yes. ever go ghost hunting?   no when it’s time to dress up for a special occasion, are you more likely to wear a dress, a skirt, or dress pants?   dress if you eat oatmeal, do you add water or milk to it? what is your favorite flavor?   milk, bc i dislike its flavor when i add water.  my fave's apples and cinnamon. if you could only own a hair dryer, curling iron, or straightener, which one would you choose?   straightener if you’re straight, have you ever thought about kissing the same sex? if you’re gay, have you ever thought about kissing the opposite sex?   no. your last relationship, who dumped who?   he dumped me. do you believe in love at first sight? explain.   no, because even thinking it's possible to look at someone and love them is ignorant as fuck. do you keep a planner?   no, because i don't need one.  i don't do anything significant, ever. do you want kids anytime soon?   no. are you excited for next year?   not really.  new years doesn't mean anything.  what occurs in time isn't affected by one year suddenly ending and changing into another.  2017 will be just as bad as 2016, probably. do you know any german words?   i took four classes of it, i know plenty. do you say any words that are pretty specific to your area?   no have you ever smoked?   nope can you make yourself cry?  no. have you ever held a starfish?   i don't think so. would you rather live in hawaii or alaska?   alaska could you use a haircut?   totally what do you put on your scrapes or cuts?   usually, nothing.  sometimes a band-aid. do you like cheez-its or cheese nips better?   cheez-its by a long shot. have you ever held a snake?   yes.  i hope to again very soon<3 do you know anyone from canada?   yeah, jacob's ex.  nice girl. has a wild animal ever been loose in your house?   mice are you scared to look at your own organs on x-ray or ultrasound?   naw, shit's cool. have you ever met an alaskan?   only online.  my friend mikaela's alaskan. did you ever play spyro?   lmao.  i'd STILL be playing it if i had my ps2. have you ever had a near death experience?   car wreck, yeah. do you think some babies are ugly?   some definitely are. do you love stuff crusted pizza?   no, actually. do you apply lotion after you bathe?   no, but i REALLY should. has a youtube video of yours ever gotten over 10,000 views?  nah son. would you ever get a tattoo on your collar bone?   ha ha, i already do. do gangs scare you?   of course they do.  the bloods tried to break into our house once when ashley was home alone with maddie. what do you think of girls with huge boobs that don’t wear bras in public?   i don't care how big your boobs are, if your breasts are developed, wear a bra, please.  it's only to be decent. does your best friend wear makeup?   she rarely does. do you prefer to fix the problems or just end the relationship?   be a fucking adult and fix the damn problems. would you rather have donuts or donut holes?   donuts do you still watch movies on vhs?   no, mom got rid of ours have you used a ouija board and had a freaky experience with it?   no, never used one. what’s one health problem you wish you didn’t have?   get rid of my depression.  god, please. what “group” did you belong to in high school?   everyone considered me an emo.  guess i was and still am one, i'm so ridiculously emotional. what is the best thing you have done in your life?   dated jason. what is your favorite animal? list three adjectives to explain your choice.   meerkats, as they're very social, ridiculously bold, and curious. what was your nickname growing up?   twinkie if you could be anything in the world, what would you be and why?   a meerkat biologist, because i love meerkats so much and they make me happy. have you ever had feelings for 2 people at the same time?   nope. if you found someone seemingly perfect for you, but it turned out they had a child… would you still give the relationship a chance?   at my age, no. if your best friend of the opposite sex tried to kiss you, would you start kissing them back?  probably not, honestly. have you ever kissed someone who has previously kissed someone you hated?   yep do you think the next person you kiss will be a better kisser than the last person you kissed?   HA.  i HIGHLY doubt that.

[itsjayyyy]

January 10, 2019 12:13 pm

it’s a week after i planned on writing an update, but it’s a thursday so i’m technically on time. I worked tuesday, as i said, and on wednesday rose came over. we first went to the mall so i could show her how decrepit it was, and got auntie anne’s there. I like the mini pretzel dogs, but hate the hot dogs inside them; i just like how the pretzels are rolled up to look like croissants and how the hot dogs imbue the bread with that umami flavor. Then we went back to my place and watched train to busan (the main character was the same guy from coffee prince!), and then went to baanchan for dinner. I remember that she borrowed a shirt and got a stain on it and took it home and said shed wash it but i can’t remember which one. thursday and friday i just kinda lazed around, relaxed for a few days before the semester started. i signed up for postmates, and just today i got an email saying the prepaid card was sent to my address so i’ll activate it when i get home. the weekend was work, as always.

i would like to thank every god for allowing me to live so close to campus, because if i had to wake up any earlier for my 7:30 am calc class i would die. On the first day I woke up at 6, but tbh the earlier i have to wake up, the longer i have to take to get ready so I was kinda rushing and ended up forgetting my wallet. I didn’t want to give up my parking space to go back to get it, so I took the on campus shuttle back to my apartment to pick it up, since i needed my id to get my textbooks. got my textbooks (with no line whatsoever!), went to my evening classes, then went home. oh, and apparently i’m so bad at math. i saw my schedule’s weekly chart and said “oh nice, i have a 4 hour gap in the middle of the day for studying or getting lunch” but apparently it’s a 7 hour gap, from 8 am to 3 pm. coolio.

my calc professor was a bit timid, and has a slight accent. the first day i made the mistake of sitting in the back like last year, and could not focus on a word he said. psychology was chill, we just covered the syllabus. apparently, the psychology department (not my professor) mandates that all intro psych classes’ grades are 10% participating in psychology studies, bc otherwise nobody would volunteer to help them. i hate being forced to do anything, so of course I’m gonna lie and fuck with their studies. asl was my fav class, it’s at 6:30 when campus is empty. we just learned the alphabet (and by that i mean she ran through it once and then we had to go to the front of the class and introduce ourselves). the whole class is immersive, meaning that even on the FIRST day of class we weren’t allowed to speak. as if i understood a single thing she said. there’s a cute girl in that class, we didnt speak to each other (obvs) but when i got stuck while introducing myself, she helped me out since she was in the front row. can i just say i’m PISSED that it seemed like everyone was fluent in asl while i barely knew the alphabet. yall this is an introductory class.

tuesday was a disaster. i woke up at 6 again, but was so beat from the day before that I decided to skip calc, on the grounds that it was all just review and the first unit was my best anyways. i forgot to set a follow up alarm, though, so i woke up naturally at 8:55. and then looked at my class schedule. and saw that my next class was at 9. luckily since i live by campus i was only 6 minutes late, but i forgot literally everything (didn’t bring my phone or my backpack) except for my wallet. I didn’t even have time to shower, or brush my teeth, or comb my hair. immediately after i was done with that class i went home and did all of those. I also went to the pet store to get a new filter for my fish, since my last one broke (after 2 years of having it, which i think is a good lifespan). I installed that, knit more of my gloves, then went back on campus for programming at 6. The professor didn’t even cover the syllabus, he just jumped straight into the lecture. one kid asked about the structure of the class, and at that point he gave a quick summary. it was clear we were all expecting him to start the lecture with the syllabus. i’m so annoyed that last semester i deleted codeblocks, the program used in the course, because i thought i was done with it, and now i have to reinstall it. tuesday evening i watched hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy, which i watched when i was like, 7, but forgot most of. 

wednesday, i woke up at 5:30, so that i would have more time to get ready. I sat in the front of calc, and took really great notes. we finally started getting into psychology, all about behavior and stuff. I did one of their stupid studies before class, it was this survey about “human social perception” but honestly it was asking about how lonely i am. and when you have to actually sit there and quantify how many friends you have, and how often you see them, it really puts it into perspective. kinda felt called out.

ya know how every semester, i creep on webcourses’ list of students in my class? well the cute girl in asl is named “anna” (as per how she introduced herself, it was the only name i could catch), and there’s only one anna in the class, and she has a crazy last name so it was p easy to find her on ig and twitter. i was scrolling down her twitter when i accidentally liked one of her tweets. i quickly unliked it, and i didn’t think she would have gotten the notification bc it was a retweet anyways, but shortly after that she followed me. and then i remembered that my most recent tweet was “so uhh whos gonna tell the cute girl in my asl class that i want to go out with her bc it sure as hell ain’t gonna be me” (cue my death). i deleted it and hoped she didn’t see it, but honestly if she followed me she prob saw it. i hoped that maybe bc i don’t have my real name listed on twitter that she wouldn’t know it was me, but in class i introduced myself as “jay” bc i forgot the symbol for s. pls kill me. and this all happened like 10 minutes before class started. I sat in the back, though, so we weren’t near each other. but at the end of the class we did an activity where we got a card with a word, and we had to find the person with the same card by signing it. we did like 4 rounds, and i was hoping we wouldn’t be together, but in the last round we were. we didn’t talk tho, and as soon as it was over i was gone. 

despite my period being nowhere near, i had a huge depressive episode last night. like, by her ig and twitter, she’s a Distinguished Gay in which she did a high school summer program with Stanford where she did heart surgery on a porcupine, and was an award winning thespian, and has tons of friends and a supportive family, where i’m the complete opposite: no friends, failed 3 classes, family hates me, chose a low paying career, needs alcohol to cope with life. This is one case where opposites don’t attract: she’s not gonna want to be with someone whose life is a complete mess. And then i just got to thinking about how rose tells me that mom lowkey thinks I’m a complete dissapointment for being gay and she only puts up with me bc it’s the muslim thing to do, and how the only way i can make her happy is me being single my whole life so she wouldn’t have to know. how i can never have love. and then rose texted asking for an update and i just kinda lashed out at her. why does she feel the need to tell me about mom talking shit? why would i want to hear that? yea i get the whole “don’t let others talk shit behind my back” idea but sometimes ignorance is bliss. i just don’t want to feel like a pile of shit for once in a while. and of course I’m still so resentful about the way that mom and dad treat rose like a damn golden child while i’ve never gotten 1/10 of the support she has.

This morning i went to calc, then comp, didn’t really pay attention in either. while in comp, heather texted me and was like “we should meet up soon.” rose also texted me; last week we were planning to meet up today but it was kinda dicey since we had that issue last night. and anyways at 11 she said “i got a job interview with izziban at 4, should i go” and i was just like “yea sure” bc i really don’t give a fuck. she always puts everything before me so why bother. then she got all like “if something’s wrong you need to tell me i can’t help if i don’t know what’s wrong” like, how about you read what i sent you last night, that details EVERYTHING that’s wrong. she later said she was gonna skip the interview bc she already has a job and she’s gonna do uber eats, and that she was just gonna have lunch with mom (since mom loves her enough to cook for her) and then head out my way. heather responded that we should meet at 1 today, so i told rose. rose said “should i wait for yall to finish and then come by?” but i havent responded bc i don’t want to see her (ever again).

I soft blocked anna on twitter bc i didn’t want her to see me talking about how i wanted to kill myself on main lmao. anyways i’m gonna go get a smoothie.

[silencedbeing]

fuck, sometimes the feeling of wanting to talk to someone so badly just to tell them im feeling down is so shitty and full of myself. but fuck it really kills because i cant get it out os i guess heres my rant

I’vebeen feeling so happy lately and it was the best period of my life. I was back to learning and I actually enjoyed all the calculations and science bullshit. Now its my finals and somehow everything is just near the end point and I can’t seem to fucking be myself or even get the happiness. How does that happen? One moment you’re on fucking cloud and next you’re so below oyu feel like i=you’re in hell. 

Whats worse is twhen you dont have to someone to share this with. DOnt get me wrong, ive tried countless times sharing what I feel and whenever I have a shitty to my friends but trust me they dont like it. I think ive bombarded their life so much so its better I just leave them alone now. ahahhaha my fucking souless puny human mind cant take emotions well. fuck that. I always used to think people thats depressed or sad was shitty and just wasnt strong enough to face reality. Yeah thats me right now. What happened exactly ?

firstly, this is the one ive been trying to let go mostly for this year. I have friends, of course we laugh we talk we dont fucking share tho. In my understanding, friends are those who have your backs, willing to listen to you talk about that bitch or this bitch or that dude this dude. Theyre even the ones you go to the malls with, eat with but not my friends. So , ive known them for almost 8 years now and we hang out, we have a groupchat with only the 4 of us. After graduating it was all different. Actually, before graduation it was already shitty because that wasnt a fucking friendship. im sure they thought so too. its all bull shit. so after grad, 1 left us so it was only me and these other 2. by leaving, i mean that person already left to continue studying. so me and these 2 other people, had a whole 5 moths or so we couldve done anything. yeah i went on a trip with one of them. lmao that was a shitty trip. that person wasnt exactly into the backpackers lifestyle. ok just talking about the person like this makes me feel so bad. but its oaky, noone will read. let this be my own diary.

me and the other 2 was never fully ‘attached’ im not sure how we were even friends. to be honest i dont think any of my friends are real, i make them laugh because of my stupidity. thats pretty much it. im the kid in class who would alwasy annoy and disrupt the class sessions making half the class giggle and the other half hate my guts. i went to a pretty small school so most of the ones in class i was ‘friends’ with. serious, what the hell does the word friend truly mean !??!. anyways me and these 2 girls. i already knew i was being left behind somehow because they were actually related so fuck that bus. i should just not get too near with them so when they dump my sorry ass behind 3 km ahead i would feel it as much. wow the fuck was i thinking, actually letting one of them in my life. Do my problems not matter ? ive tried going on blahtherapy but honestly that website rarely gives me a good lsitener. i mean like, i keep getting people judging my problems saying its not serious. WELL IT IS FOR ME. HOW COME SOMETIMES I CANT FUKING SLEEP BECAUSE IM SO FUCKING AFRAID THE PERSON I ACCIDENTALLY CURSED AT HATES MY FUCKING GUTS. WHY AM I SO AFRAID OF MAKING NEW FRIENDS ANYMORE BECAUSE IM SCARED THEYLL JUST LEAVE ME TO ROT IN A LONELINESS PIT OF DOOM

OK back to the 2 people story. so one of them was kind of and kind of not. im scared to say the person isnt my friend. but in all fucking honestly the person has never done anything for me. idk maybe. this is why i need another opinion. this whole matter could just easily be resolved if someone said im way overthinking and the friends would have actually been bothered to call me if i was nowhere to be seen or late to an event. but now. only when i have arrived would they remembered about my existance. i recently deactivated my twitter account fot this shit. i cant stop typing i want to type everyhthing. its flowing inside of me but frankly right now i hvae no idea what to be mad at.who to be mad at and even how to be ,ad at. 

the earliest iw as ever like this, the socially deprived potato i am right now, was when i was in primary 3 and  my violent way of playing got me in trouble because i accidentally hit my best friends ear with my jacket sleeves which had metal buttons at the end. i immediately regretted it and felt fucking guilty because my best friends ear got red and best friend started to cry. i have freidns here and there but i dont have that 1 special person you know ? the one you trust with all your secrets and problems. i have this one person but this persons life is so fantastic, i cant manage to keep up. so our conversations are usually plain. this person was the only one that asks if im okay. you know those little status hitns when youre upset. i hate those, when theyre too obvious or when theyre clearly made just for attention. ok now i fell bad because i feel like that was me. well i posted one up not long ago. I POSTED A FREAKING MEME. it was funny but this one person actually asked if i was okay. sucking psot on. i cried telling her what happened to me. sometimes each week is a punch to my head. i ahte this feeling of envy. hatred. i need advice on how to let it blow past me. the whole friend thing. do i need to really find someone ? or am i fine just by myself ? if its like that then who do i share my secrets with ? let me be compeletely real, im religious but when i pray i feel nothing which is shity. i try to really feel it. but to no avail i feel so sinful its terrible but i cant help it. i dont know how im every going to end this if i just keep going. so this is where it finishes. this was jsut to rant about my ‘friends’ problem. its bad for me. iget that this seems like a minor problem or not even a prboelm at all. but i feel it. it hurts. and fuck i want more than anything to make it go away so i can be happy again

[weepingalter-blog]

Have you ever:

1) Self harmed?

yeah. i no longer do it tho. i fear the response 

2) Got into a real fight?

cam and i would get into fights when we were young. it wasnt serious but hes strong and im weak so bruises werent uncommon. apart from that then no

3) Been too depressed to move out of your bed?

yup

4) Tried to commit suicide?

yes. obviously failed

5) Had to lie to EVERYONE about how you felt?

yeah

6) Watched an entire season of a TV show in one sitting?

no. i dont watch tv

7) Talked yourself out of serious trouble?

yup. go back to self harm

8) Accused someone of using you?

of course. i am so afraid of the past repeating itself

9) Shoplifted?

no. too afraid to

10) Gotten drunk/high?

no. i doubt i never will

11) Been to a concert where your favourite artist was playing?

no. concerts scare me so much

12) Skipped doing homework to play a video game?

not really

(Right now) Are you: 13) Suicidal?

yeah. not like i would ever do it

14) Bored?

no? just extremely depressed and paranoid

15) Avoiding someone?

technically yes. i dont want to talk to people right now

16) Avoiding some task?

yes if you count self destructive things

17) Depressed?

haha yes

18) Crying?

god i wish so. i cant as mum will soon come up to bed and i cant let her see me crying

19) Annoyed with a friend?

paranoia is making me do feel annoyed

20) Worried and confused about something important to you?

yeah i guess

Do you: 21) Get depressed easily?

yeeeesss

22) Get jealous/envious easily?

again yes

23) Feel listening to music can take your mind off things?

depends on the music

24) Worry about messing about your relationships a lot?

yes. a lot. i do it anyway so why worry

25) Try hard in all your classes at school?

i am at college now but yeah. i need to try now

26) Go out drinking?

no

27) Smoke cigarettes?

no

28) Smoke weed?

no

29) Do any hard drugs?

no

30) If you said yes to 28 but no to 29, Why?

no to both. i cant even get away with it so why bother

31) Believe in God/Belong to a religion of your own free will?

no. i am sure i am a nihilist

32) Avoid people you care about because you feel you will only hurt them?

yesyesyes

33) Agree that self harm numbs emotional pain?

yup

34) Believe people deserve second chances?

NO

35) Agree with ‘An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth’? (ignoring the religious relation to that saying)

i dont know. i fear being hurt for doing something bad in return so i guess not

36) Think things will get better?

i want to think it but i cant even believe it

37) Feel afraid that you have done wrong and will eventually be punished?

yes

38) (be honest) Do you judge people who think differently to you? (seriously, be honest)

of course

Preference in boyfriend/girlfriend: pretty sure im on the ace spectrum but regardless ill do it

39) Long hair OR short hair?

long

40) (For Girls one) nice smile OR nice abs?

nice abs i guess

41) (For Guys one) nice smile OR nice chest?

i dont think im attracted to men

42) Shy OR open?

open? as long as they are there for me

43) Eyes OR body?

eyes

44) Religious OR non-religious?

non-religious i guess

45) Caring OR non-restricting of you?

caring

46) Straight edge OR non-straight edge?

i dont know what this means

47) Piercings OR no piercings?

no piercings

48) Tattoos OR no tattoos?

tattoos

49) Quiet stay-at-home type OR party type?

stay at home

50) Has friends you get along with OR has parents you get along with?

friends

Would you: 51) Drink alcohol until you were drunk?

no

52) Smoke weed?

no

53) Smoke cigarettes?

no

54) Get even with someone who betrayed you?

never

55) Forgive a boyfriend/girlfriend who deeply hurt you?

fuck no

56) Attempt to kill yourself if everything fails you?

maybe. if theres nothing to stop me then yeah

57) Keep your faith (any religious view) no matter what?

sure

58) Join a band as a part time activity?

no

59) Feel sorry for someone who is being affected negatively from alcohol/drug abuse?

i mean sure

60) Stand up for your beliefs if someone strongly goes against them?

nooo

61) Go vegetarian for a month to see what is was like?

i might not stick to it but ill try

62) Fight someone who was harassing your friends/family?

no. cant fight

63) Edit photos of yourself before posting them online?

i dont post pictures online

64) Put up with friends who constantly hated against something you believed in/supported?

they arent friends so no

65) Be friends with someone who was nice to you, but a cunt to other people?

i dont really interact with people but sure

66) Not like someone simply because your friend(s) didn’t like them?

possibly

67) Lie to someone close to you because you don’t want them put up with your problems?

oh lots

68) Starve yourself so you fit some certain clothes?

not for clothes, no. i am close to underweight as im 5.3ft and around 110 pounds so very close to underweight

69) Get surgery on any part of you? If yes then which part of you?

no. why bother

70) Sleep naked?

i do that already so yeah

You can only choose one: 71) Black or Orange?

black

72) Metalcore OR Post-Hardcore?

metal?

73) Cellphone or Computer?

computer

74) Chocolate milk OR Coke?

coke

75) Tumblr OR Friends?

tumblr. i can be private on here

76) Apple OR PC?

whats the difference

77) TV Shows OR Movies?

movies

78) Old bands OR new Bands?

new

79) Pop-Punk OR Alternative Rock?

music

80) Reading OR Listening to music?

listening to music

81) Coke OR Pepsi? Define your reason for your choice.

whats the difference

82) Staying who you are OR changing yourself drastically?

staying who i am. the latter would make things worse

83) Breakdown OR Clean vocal bridge?

i dont care

84) Jonny Craig OR Kellin Quinn? Define your reason for your choice.

wut

85) Ronnie OR Craig? Define your reason for your choice.

dont care

86) Your life as a comedy OR Your life as a documentary?

documentary. i know my life is a joke but it suits a documentary

87) Go to outer space OR Go all around Europe?

outer space

88) Shoes OR Shirts?

shirts

89) Chelsea Grin OR Suicide Silence?

nah

90) Drop out of school to get a job OR stay at school and finish your education. Define your reason for your choice.

stay. i am close to finishing college so why bother

Almost over: 91) So far have you told 90 truths? And for fuck sake be honest.

i did my best

92) Are you quiet about your social life with your family?

yes

93) Do you want to travel when you are older?

no

94) Would you let go of people who mean the most to you to follow your dreams?

i dont have any dreams so no

95) Did you notice there are no sex related questions?

i dont care. plus since there are questions about school then good

96) Rather be the opposite gender?

what would that be? agender?

97) What will you name your son/daughter?

hope

98) Do you get harassed more than most people do?

i think

99) What band do you hate the most? Define your reason.

dont have one

100) What makes you a bad person in your mind?

im just so shit and terrible and all i do is hurt others

[herraspoika]

Personal shit i have to vomit here

Fuck, i have this shitty feeling in me, it's been in me for like maybe four years? The word "weak" has always been umm hard for me i guess, even my own friends gave me crap about it. I have always been smaller than my peers and pushed around a lot, and as long as i can remember i have been laughed at for making even a small mistake. I have always been the outcast, because i'm not that good at getting new friends, and thanks to that i have social anxiety now. I fear people, i fear social meetings, and my life is sometimes really hard because of that. It's pathetic to complain like this, i know that some people have it so much worse, and now we are getting back to the "weak". Am i weak for being like this? A bitch who can't even be normal around people.

I fear embarrassing myself so bad, i stay quiet in places where i shouldn't and keep thinking about that for the next four years. From that we get to the anger. I never expressed my anger in a healthy way, and when fighting and breaking stuff wasn't enough i wanted to fix all the bad in the world by murder. I never did anything i planned, thank God, but at one point i really thought that the only way to get revenge for so much shit some people had put me thru, was to kill them.

I planned that for some time, and when i really realized that i would ruin so many people's lives by doing that i came to another conclusion: i would make everything better by killing myself instead. I had made a plan already. I mean, that was the perfect anwer for all my problems! My bullies would maybe feel bad, people would maybe wake up from their bubbles, and i would be in a better place. But again i would be ruining lives. What kind of reward would that be to the rare friends who really cared deeper, who i really trusted? And by killing myself, i thought, i proved my weakness. I feared that word so much, and maybe that's one reason why i didn't do it.

I remember wanting to just get drunk badly to forget everything and to feel something. Everything was just grey, i am not kidding. No colors, no emotion, no nothing. If anything gave me joy at the time, it turned to sadness real fast. I wanted to drown. I just waited for my body to kill itself. I just wanted to feel alright.

I talked to therapist maybe couple of times, but i never went to a doctor. I never told my parents. Well i told them once, they didn't care, they didn't react so it's whatever. I didn't get any actual help, even tho i was at my lowest point when i used to go to therapist. They have some people with real problems, i didn't want to bother them anymore.

Nowadays, i am better, but violent thoughts (and sometimes violent acts) still keep popping up, i am not suicidal in it's actual meaning. Sometimes i cut, just to feel little bit better for a fleeting moment. I have scars in both of my hands. I told my story to some of my friends, but for the last year i have said that now, i am good, healthy and feeling well. That's a lie. I have told this to no one, i don't want hurt their feelings, i don't want them to think about it. I feel ashamed.

I don't even know why i'm posting this, idk maybe i just had to get it out of my head. I shouldn't be like this, i have everything, why am i like this

[survivorathena-allstars]

Episode 4: “I’m Looking at You Periwinkle” ~Madison

Ali, Zach, and I made an alliance called EAZy Votes and it's really cute tbh because they're my fav boys in the game!

Also we lived but Sam died and I'm like really crying like I actually cried. Like Sam is such a nice person and we did so much in the immunity challenge and did not deserve to go to tribal but we did and then his social game and lack of contribution to the challenge like I guess led to his demise but UGH THIS IS UGLY AND IM SO SAD WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!

Survivor Doesn't Stop For Santa

Listen I love mastermind so much even if I don't win I'm gonna have a great time with this challenge, plus we have the majority on our tribe which means we should be fine - and I'm in with Jack still which (hopefully) means I can get info on the minority alliance (if they're really even an alliance) so...we love it! kevinamanda asked how my christmas was so. i saw star wars yesterday it was nice. my biggest takeaway from it is that i forgot how hot poe dameron is. back to game stuff -- so i actually really love this challenge a lot. if i want to get the secret item, i need to throw it and get the worst score out of 17 people. that should be easy, considering that the hosts are cruel mistresses and gave us fifty goddamn colors. there are two pitfalls tho: it could be like suuuuper obvious if i throw it depending on how bad my score is. and since i'll be vulnerable without immunity, i could be dead! whew! i also don't know WHAT the super secret item will be. could be an extra vote, could be an immunity idol, who knows what. it could help me escape a tight situation, or it won't do anything and i'll have thrown it for no reason. the second pitfall is that i LOVE this challenge and i just wanna do well jadjjd. but anyway yeah. since i don't know what the item is i don't know how good the payoff's gonna be. so like...the question is, should i throw it, and will it be worth it? tune in and find out next time on survivor: hell on earth 

Okay so this is BEYOND ugly! I’m so nervous! Elaenia has an obvious numbers advantage, 9-7. So, basically, another Vireao is going. And I think we’re going to have a tribe swap right after. Two tribes of eight. And like? That’s definitely preferable at this point. At least for this vote, our whole tribe can just vote together and we not create waves. But I’m so nervous! This is really not a good look for Vireao. And also, I love pretty much everyone on Vireao individually? Like Lily, Jack, Owen, Cameron, Madison, Will... I love them! I don’t know Dana, Kevin, and Autumn so I’d obviously prefer to vote for one of them but I’ve heard good things about all of them and like !!! Ugh I’m just stressed out. But also, even if I don’t win this cracked ass Mastermind, I think the relationships I’ve established with the Elaenia tribe members before the game are like solid enough that they wouldn’t vote for me? Does that make sense? I hope it does. I don’t want to die. Lily like? Wouldn’t vote for me? Right? She’s my wife? Madison wouldn’t vote for me? Will wouldn’t? UGH I’M SO SCARED! So many people from Themyscira and Azores are on that tribe and I don’t know if they’ll see that has an opportunity to vote me out or an opportunity to work with me. All throughout FTC for Themyscira people were like “Idk how we let you get so far!” And I’m hoping that they??? Don’t have this kind of mindset??? Because that’ll just send me home. But this is also All Stars and everyone on our tribe is a good ass player. Preferably, I want JD to go home. Girl is already being cracked—especially with that last vote. It also saves me the trouble of trying to find out if Charlotte and JD are actually close or if they’re not? Ugh. I hope Zach and Ali are safe in this Double Tribal because they’re my closest allies at this point. I also want Charlotte to be safe because I want to work with her moving forward. Ugh! My only real hope is that since their first tribal was divided, they’ll stay divided. Maybe the two sides won’t be able to agree on a single person to target and they’ll vote however. I’m honestly feeling like voting Autumn might be our best bet? Since the four voted Autumn in their first tribal council? But I don’t know! I want to talk to the tribe as a whole about this. Ugh! I’m just really scared and I WANT that immunity. ________________________________________________________________ All I can hope about this tribal is that everyone recognizes that EVERYONE in this game is a threat?? Everyone is a good player?? Everyone is an all star?? So they won’t target me just because like that reason?? But idk I just don’t trust Jack and Cameron to not campaign against me

Okay, so I have a video confessional uploading that sorta sums up my thoughts coming back from Christmas break, but now its time to discuss the ugliest twist in the history of ever, even though I don't even get whats happening. If its a game changers-esque tribal, I wanna cry. Our tribe seemingly has no hope, as if the other tribe is smart they'll patch up their differences and vote one of us off. Additionally, I literally don't know Lily or Autumn, and Jack I only know from that odd Themyscira BBQ reward challenge and from the Athena 2nd placers chat. BUT UGH. UGHITTY UGH. I just really don't think we are gonna get through the next tribal without a really ugly vote off. AND THE FOUR BUFFS STILL DONT ADD UP. Anyway, I'm just sad. I am ready to be voted off, not because I want to be, but i literally called that I'd come 17th in my pregame interview and now its truly happening. YIKES

I have enjoyed my disconnect from Skype WAY too much but I'm ready to put my game face back on!! I'm going out of town just for a night tomorrow and I don't plan on telling any of them that so they don't come up with the wise idea to try to get rid of me.  :* I love Mastermind, I either do REALLY well or I bomb it, so I hope I do really well on it. 

Mood after the last challenge and also going forwards:

I'm worried and not sure what to expect with this upcoming double tribal. Does that even mean two separate tribals or because it said one immunity, a gamechangers like tribal where both tribes go? Either or it sucks and someone from my tribe is about to jump the plank! I also just got off call with someone from another game/ORG and i'm so uncomfortable and extremely bothered HAHAHA But overall this game is exciting but i'm likely dying soon. Mastermind was a struggle. I know someone has an advantage under boulder six. There's been speculation (Emily told me) that she thinks the idol hunt is combined since usually there would only be ONE large archipelago. Smart queen! I don't want Ali or Emily to die either. I wouldn't mind if they struck someone off our side, perhaps JD or someone. If someone on the other tribe who I semi like such as Dana was like 'hey we're voting JD' like i'd literally hop over and do the same. WOO!

Well yes, I’m angry. I’m getting totally screwed over here. The deal was that if I won the hunger games, I get to live the rest of my life in peace. But NOW? You want to kill me again. *laughs* well you know what? F*CK THAT! AND F*CK EVERYBODY THAT HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT!!!

I’m so nervous for this immunity. I don’t think I would be on the block if I don’t win, but with it being double tribal WHO FUCKING KNOWS. Lets bomb this challenge WHOO! I’m looking at you, periwinkle.

Whewie I nervous as heck for this tribal! I haven’t done my Mastermind yet but I will when I get home. After allergy testing today and realizing I’m allergic to everything I love my dad is forcing me to go after Christmas shopping so today has been PACKED!!! Anyways, I’m kind of hoping we get a one world twist this round so our tribe doesn’t have to just go in blind and like shoot our guns into the darkness. Even though Elaenia was divided at their first tribal, I’m assuming they’ll be smart and stick together because they’re all stars. But of course, there’s always one of two people willing to flip. I’m just hoping that even if we don’t have one world, my pregame relationships will carry me. I have good friends over on Elaenia and I need them to know I’ll work with them if they keep me! I’m a good ally to have SOMETIMES! I think our tribe’s best bet is to go for Autumn since she received four votes at the previous tribal. That might mean she might get more votes from her other Elaenia tribe members if they’re cracked and save a Vireao tribe member from dying. 

On another note, I’m almost 100% all the other Vireao tribe members are having these jump ship thoughts as well. Like, we’re all smart players. Not all of us are the holiest of heroes. It just doesn’t work like that. Ali and I have already been talking about it, and if anyone on Vireao is a deadset hero, it’s Ali. I’m expecting CHAOS this vote. Absolute chaos. I’m just hoping and praying the votes don’t fall on me.

It sucks that we've lost again because the alliance isn't going to work this round where everyone is going to tribal. I don't think it'll be as simple as voting Duncan out and calling it a day. 

So I decided to attempt to do well in this challenge. While getting the worst score should be easy, I don't know if the reward's gonna be worth it, and also who has the time or the patience? ItAin'tMe.mp3. I'mmmm kinda nervous about double tribal though. I did the challenge in 10 steps but I don't know if it's good enough to secure immunity when I'm competing against 17 people. It's been awhile since this tribe went to tribal so I'm not sure where I stand. I'm not sure if that tribal made a solid formidable line in the stand or...what. Soooo I'm gonna try to talk to people today and kiss ass. Gotta remind these folks of my wonderful personality! 

I just finished Touchy Subjects and I don't think I did too bad! I'm excited for results. Ahhh!!! I want to win just to guarantee safety at this tribal. That'll calm my nerves a little bit. But in Azores I was immune almost every tribal I went to and I was still nervous so like??? Idk I love (hate) my anxiety disorder. Anyways! I'm going to rehearsal now to think about how scared I am for this tribal and watch pre teens dance to songs that they don't know the meanings behind goodbye

So... not much is happening in the game rn. I did mastermind in 9 guesses, which I could have done in 7 had I just gone backward. It was a bit of luck, but I did it in a doc and had a lot of information so that I wouldn't actually repeat anything. I'm hoping I did well enough. So apparently only one person wins immunity which means a couple things. Either this double tribal means one tribe has anyone up for vote and the other has one person immune and we go to 15 and swap to 3 tribes, OR what I think will happen is we're about to go to a huge one-world type tribal and we swap into 4 tribes of 4. Everyone is still shook about the 4 pre-merge buffs, and I don't know what's gonna happen. We could swap into 3 tribes and have a one world tribe as well. I just do not know. 

Whew! Super nervous and excited about results here. I think I did it pretty fast, and 7 guesses is a pretty good amount (thanks again for making a mistake, Jay :P I couldn't have done it without you). I don't think I'll necessarily NEED to be immune, but I still would like it, just in case.

Also, on a similar note, I had a dream about this challenge, weirdly enough. I started it on my computer, but then I had to go almost immediately. Instead of telling hosts about it, I instead did the challenge on my phone as I was taken on errands through a bunch of dimly lit superstores (think Target with mood lighting) and one bank. I think we actually robbed the bank, I don't remember. And this whole time, I was making up lists and struggling to remember all the colors (also shoutouts to Macaroni, the best color there is). It was odd, and it actually made me think once I woke up that I had to finish the challenge. Thank god I actually didn't, and instead got to do my notepad-based masterminding of Mastermind. Love that challenge.

I hate one world I hope they vote me out

Fuck.

MY VIDEO CONFESSIONAL FROM LIKE THREE DAYS AGO IS STILL UPLOADING AND IM SCREAMING. WHY ONE WORLD. LIKE I KNOW I INFLICTED THIS ON Y'ALL BUT WHY

I'm having like AT LEAST seven identity crises right now because of this game God. One World??? In my house??? I can't believe this. For the first three rounds of this game I was like 'you know this is pretty fine' (barring the moment where Karen got murdered) and now I feel like I'm on my death bed. So...some good some bad. Good is that I can possibly team up with people. I want to work with Duncan really especially since we're the last Motu Maha people and I need to pay my respects  to Karen and Julia (rest in power queens). Everyone on the other tribe seems nice especially in comparison to the people on my tribe who blindsided Karen. That's the good part. The bad part is like...everything else. I mean, 17 people? That's...a big number. I don't know if I can count that high. I honestly have no gameplan so like...lit? Ideally I could take out one of the people from my tribe this round by teaming up with the other team. If we don't have a swap next round though...then the Consequences will catch up to me. And I, for one, prefer not to face the consequences of my actions. But if I can't do that, I'll...figure things out. I'll see what names people throw out. I don't think I'll be targeted cause like...idk i'm not a threat??? I'm just fragile.

im in a bad place rn so whats a better thing to do than confess? I thought I'd outline what I've learnt so far: I think(?) Will and Dana are working together? And I think Cameron might be close to them too. I am down to work with that grouping, so that isn't too bad! Also Cameron was in the majority! what.a.king!

One world really just always blows everything up and those are just the facts like everyone's talking to everyone, everyone's in a new alliance, we're all gonna start fighting soon, and it's not long before someone pulls an "ASHLEY HAS AN IDOL" move because let's be honest every season needs a moment like that. I feel confident with my 5, and confident with Queen Ruthie and King Ali, but as much as I love Emily I don't know if I can trust her and I'm almost wondering if she should be taken out now (Malcolm style) since she's a HUGE social threat. Lily/Emily/Madison is gonna be a force to be reckoned with down the line so taking at least one of them out pre-merge would be the best. It's time to start separating friendships and gameplay - that's what fucked me up in Azores and I'm not gonna let it fuck me up here. If we can somehow flip altogether and target an outsider like Kevin that would be our best move - like a supergroup of Lily/Emily/Madison/Jack and my five plus Ali and whoever else from Vireao?? Or something. Regardless I just need to make sure it isn't me. It cannot be me and that's that, at the end of the day I will fight my hardest to protect my allies but if it's a losing battle then I will jump ship. And that's just how it's gotta be.

WHO THE FUCK IS CHRISSA

Okay time for an update! I'll do a full video update since there is LOTS to catch up on, but like.... I'm in a good spot. With Zach, I can hopefully slot into the Dana/Owen/Will/Cameron/Autumn majority on the other tribe, to stay safe for at least this vote. From there? whomst can ever be sure

So I was gonna end up keeping things to myself and being a good little boy but then I ended up spilling all my beans to Duncan. Oops. So yeah I told him about how Madison snaked me which was very mean and how I didn't like it. Hopefully she can go home! I'll have to see. If people from the other tribe want to flip, though, that throws a wrench in the plans especially if they tell Madison and co that I want to vote for her. But if I get Jack and Lily on board, then we're 11-6 and they need 3 people to flip back to them. Whew I hope this works

Coming to a consensus about vote is real hard because everyone has connections with people from the other tribe, and people that they want to work with, so no one is going to be willing to name any names...i’m Scared about how this vote is going to turn out 

I'M SO CONFUSED. WHY IS SATAN MAKING ME GO TO TRIBAL WITH 17 PEOPLE. 1) JD why do you want to vote me. I DONT EVEN KNOW YOU. I AM manipulative, but dont tell people that thank you queen. 2) MADISON ALSO DONT VOTE ME. ALSO DONT TELL OWEN TO VOTE ME HE BETTER NOT. I'm leaving for work right now and like... if it is 9:50pm and idk who im voting im Russian rouletting my vote and blowing kisses on my way out. 

Boy things are...messy. So: first off, I tried asking Lily and Jack what they thought about flipping, and they both want to stay with the original tribe. Yay. Jack seemed slightly lenient but he might just be wishy-washy. I don't wanna be too pushy but like. Yikes. In addition to Duncan, I told Ali about how I was in the minority and stuff and wanted to work with them. Party. I'm not sure if the rest of the Viraeo tribe knows about this or like...what even is going on with them. Duncan said SOMEONE from that tribe threw my name and to talk to everyone and I'm like whatever. I don't know who that is because Duncan's being very vague and not name-dropping which is probably smart but like it's not very exciting. And then...I've made amends with Cameron? So we started talking because I wanted to know who my tribe is targeting. But neither side has any idea on who to vote for which makes things even better. Duncan wanted Will out but apparently he got a hard no so ??? And our tribe can't get shit together like no one's even suggesting names. Cameron's complaining about Emily and how, and I quote, "half our tribe is parked up Emily's rear." He's...not wrong. I can sense someone wants Emily out, but that's not an option because that's just reason for everyone to flip. Actually that'd be a good idea if I wanted Lily to flip but like it wouldn't work in execution. ANYWAY back to the amends making: I told Cameron I wanted to work with him (and I do) but it was hard to trust him because of KarenGate. I said no one had explained it to me so my trust was wavering. So then Cameron explained the whole scandal which basically was Karen was a flop (true). So yeah. I do wanna work with Cameron but like...what about the rest of the tribe??? But I don't know if I can explain that to him without setting off a thousand alarms. At the same time if I just blindside someone on our tribe that'll ruin our trust. And it seems like he wants to go Elaenia strong but our tribe can't get its shit together!!! Maybe I can just use the classic "well this was the first name I heard so xoxo"  excuse and say that since Elaenia couldn't decide on someone I just went with what I heard.

So this is going to be a mess... I can feel that someone in our tribe is going to go home. If it's me or Charlotte I'll be so annoyed because we wouldn't have gotten our VS moment... anyway, assuming that were not being played and the other tribe is stupid enough to vote out of of their own the jack is going to vote with us and maybe get the other people that voted for autumn. Idk if that's going to be enough cus who fucking knows that the vote is going to look like, who knows if the people on my tribe will actually vote with us... Fuck they might tell autumn and someone might have an idol... Be a dumb one to play it on but you never know..... Rocks really would be fun though 

My tribe won't talk to me. Bunch of fake-ass bitches. JD's trying to use me. It's obvious. Don't seem to have another choice. Being used is better than being voted out.

Tonight's mood is fear. I went on call with Cameron and we came to a consensus of voting Madison. Duncan said the plan is to vote Madison while the decoy boot is Autumn, who is the queen of getting votes but always surviving I guess. APPARENTLY Lily found that lose a challenge thing the first round and she got 1 point on the challenge that round. does she have an idol? It's more likely than you think. So we're telling her and her co to vote Autumn (again). Hopefully if nothing blows up Madison goes. And then somehow through this shitstorm I'll get my way. Also I was talking to Charlotte and I asked Duncan if I should tell her about the Madison plan and he said not to but the gag is already I did. She seems to have no opinion on who to vote for though so like...whew? CharlotteI feel like I already did a confession but oh well. I want to work with my old tribe and Kevin, Lily, and Jack. Unfortunately Lily might need to be out of the loop in order to vote out Madison because they are supposedly close. It's messy either way.

My mind is blowing up. Okay so I know there's an alliance of six, and one's leaving. Either Autumn or Madison - likely Madison at this point. I made a pact with Ashvika/Ali/Duncan to do so, but now the tribe seems to be going towards that direction. I spilled the tea on JD throwing Dana's name out and confirmed Duncan threw out Will's name (which someone told Cameron already) and now i'm more like snakey and I don't like it. I also know Duncan tried to make some cross-tribal alliance with Owen and Dana. Interesting... Taking out anyone would be good at this point. I don't want to leave. I want the following people out: - JD - Duncan - Lily - Kevin - Madison Just because I either don't talk to them, or they're being snakes and I don't ACCEPT THAT! Hmm...

I feel like I’m absolutely leaving this tribal and I’m so scared. I don’t know what I did to deserve my name being thrown around I’ve literally tried so hard but it’s okay. I’ve heard the majority is voting for Autumn or Jack but idk if that’s just talk or what. I voted for Autumn, which I feel so guilty about, but a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. Catch Autumn holding a grudge against me for the rest of my days. 💛

Omg I might be getting an idol tonight!! If it's not an idol it's at least going to be something good, and I'm super excited for it. I did a search on the island (path 4 after bringing a torch) and decided to climb that nice ass tree, and after a challenge similar to the stairway to hell challenge, I now have to get 5 people + myself on a skype call. I'm putting together a CAH game right now, so hopefully enough people will be up for that, and I can get my idol. If all of this is in vain though I AM going to start swinging so be warned amanda

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Okay time for me to figure shit out. People in the game: Ali, Ashvika, Charlotte, Dana, Duncan, me, Jack, JD, Kevin, Lily, Cameron, Madison, Owen, Ruthie, Will, Zach Who SHOULD BE voting for who at this point (7:37PM EST) Ali: Madison, probably Ashvika: Madison, probably Charlotte: Autumn or Madison, it depends on what our tribe wants Dana: Jack??? Duncan: Jack Emily: Autumn or Madison... preferably Autumn Jack: Madison, probably JD: Autumn or Madison, it depends on what our tribe wants Kevin: ??? Lily: Autumn, at this point Cameron: Autumn, at this point Madison: Autumn Owen: Jack??? Ruthie: Autumn or Madison, it depends on what our tribe wants Will: ??? Zach: Madison, probably So this means... likely... Autumn gets 7 possible votes. Madison gets 8 possible votes. Jack gets 3 possible votes. And then there’s 2 I don’t know. Kevin will probably vote for majority. Will will probably vote with his tribe. I’m just so worried right now. I don’t want to have to vote out Madison because she’s my friend but UGH!!! I think I’m going to have to. This is the worst tribal ever fuck

oohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh boy oh boy first of all let me just see FRICK U LILY I WANTED IMMUNITY SO BAD???? I FELT SO GOOD ABOUT MY SCORE OF SEVEN I WAS LIKE NOBODY IS GONNA BEAT THIS THIS IS INCREDIBLE A+ STRATEGY WITH SOME A+ LUCK and then....lily came in??? with a time of two fuckin minutes??? she's cancelled. I want her gone hehe :) but not as bad as I want jack gone.....oops. he messaged me last night and apparently I never answered his PM from dec. 18 (first tribal) saying that he heard autumn. I JUST NEVER SAID ANYTHING LOL AND HE DIDNT BRING IT UP UNTIL NOW AND HE YELLED AT ME AND I WAS LIKE "lily seemed to not want to budge" which just made it worse bc he was like "IM NOT LILY." which is true. But also does he realize yelling at people and making aggressive jokes is not the way to get them to want to work with you or like....not want to vote you out? i want em both G O N E. one world happened and I am sooooo frickin happy to finally be with so many cool people. I messaged Ali, Zach, Ashvika, Duncan, and Emily right away. Ruthie has been mostly gone but I sent her some stuff too. JD I talked to a bit I was nervous. ANd Charlotte I said hi to but she didnt reply much. ANYWAYS! Lily immediately made an alliance with madison emily and I. The thing I've learned about emily is that....everyone fuckin loves her in this game, not just the people I knew she was friends with before. Like Zach, Duncan, Ali....all three of them want to tell Emily everything and refuse to vote her?? Bitch me too tf but also...wow. This is so good bc she's definitely going to be the biggest threat later on. There was a lot of small talk last night and I started thinking that....obviously my tribe of nine isn't gonna vote together and their tribe of 8 probably was, but then Emily and some others mentioned that they thought the ventricle 8 wouldnt vote together. I was like hmmm inch resting....bc literally all my targets are on my own tribe. Today, however, things started taking shape. Emily said her tribe actually WAS trying to vote together now. My alliance (Cameron dana will and I, autumn was mia) got on call and figured that the best person to target at this point would be madison. Kevin isn't as with jack/lily as I thought apparently, lily is immune, anc the jack vs emily thing might take form eventually, plus madison/emily have the real life bond. I initially wanted jack or kevin but I do think it's better to just....let the people have what they want, and I guess what they want is madison's head on a stake. I like her but she's made...not too much effort to be messaging me so fkasjdhfjdskfhj sorry madison I feel really bad bc she got out early in isle of skye too :( maybe she won't actually go home tonight tho, let's see an idol!!!!! :') At first we were planning on pulling in Zach, Ali, Ruthie, and Duncan to vote for Madison with us. Emily seemed to catch wind of it.... Cameron and I tried t throw Jack's name out there too. A lot of stuff got messy. Eventually, Duncan called me and said he wanted to vote Jack, but not Madison, and also that his tribe had decided on Autumn but that he didnt wanna do that lmaooooo like...ur tribe rlly decided autumn when I know for a damn fact duncan, ali, zach, and others (half the tribe) would rather vote madison...........ok! so this decision was based on emily!!!! Duncan added me to a call with him and ashvika too (I LOVE HER SO MUCH HOS1 QUEEN) and eventually I made it clear that Madison needed to be the target if we wanted to get Kevin to vote with us. SO! Madison became the plan again fksjdahfkjd AND THEN FRICKIN ALI AND I CALLED AND ALI WANTED TO TELL EMILY AND I WAS LIKE DO WHAT U WANT BUD BUT ALSO MAYBE WAIT UNTIL AFTER THE VOTE DFKASHFKJ but now....apparently the whole tribe of 8 is voting madison and emily knows so oh well fksjdhf either i'm gettin played or madison is idoling or soemthing but honestly I don't know that it'd be me getting the votes so we're gucci this is a whole lot of messy thoughts but basically I think we're definitely swapping or something tonight and I think this round I've done a good job of reaching out to people and seeing where some connections are set. I have options going forward, especially if emily and kevin are in on the madison vote. Literally it's just going to be jack and lily mad at me if everyone is being truthful and I want their slithery selves out anyways. jk im the tru snake here hehehehehehe im really having fun this round even tho my head hurts and I think my alliance is still rlly makin things HAPPEN which is good. let's see tho it could still be me fskajhfksjd me every tribal

Guess who's back on the chopping block!! I'm really blown away by the amount of disrespect, people saying my name has the most traction and the exact same people telling me I don't have to worry. Fuck off- anyone who votes for me tonight can choke. Jack is dead to me; Emily's charm only works on the weak-minded; Ruthie, JD, and Charlotte can go; Lily is 12 so can't say I'm surprised that she'd keep her besties that she can't beat; and Madison is going out the door anyway. Oh fun fact: SHE was the one who told Kevin I was the vote for first round; Idk if she's the source that started the whole campaign but very inch resting that the campaign manager of the get-Autumn-out campaign in Himalayas isn't actually retired. So I don't recant and God really just resolved my moral dilemma of voting her out. She's fake and wouldn't know feminism if Gloria Steinem slapped her in the face (Susan B Anthony might be here for her kind of feminism though oop). The gag is I didn't want a Part 2 of Himalayas but she did and look where that got her. I cannot wait for her blindside and I'm genuinely ecstatic 

This is a 17 person group with 16 eligible options but yet again I MAKE THE MOST SENSE! I love my messy tribal question, asking what kind of work I'm doing to stay alive. Umm winning challenges and being my goddamn self. I am so sick and tired of this assumption that I'm not doing enough. I know I'm not in with varsity and that I can't compete with relationships that have existed for months and years. But I was never trying to do that. I just want a fair chance but look how that's going for me with NO ONE else getting repeatedly targeted in this game like me. Please stop and think about that. Not to take it there but is it really because I'm new or is that the lie white people are telling themselves? Everyone has their feet propped up chilling and casually trading tea bags while every fucking round I'm either at tribal trying to stay or using the time I'm not at tribal to secure relationships. Are these other 16 doing that and in what ways am I bad for so many people's games? Including those who've never met OR spoken to me? Ask yourself that and get back to me

I do not kiss anyone's ass- never have and never will. I neither have the time nor the insecurities to do some foolishness like that with a bunch of high schoolers. If you don't like me or don't want to get to know me fine but don't come into my lane or I'll fuck you up. I'll send them and all their lil friends home, which is the exact playing style that got me into All Stars in the first place. Maybe THAT'S why the admins brought me here- they knew these children would cut up and that while they're having a family reunion I would slit throats and actually play to fucking win. I will take down every single person who takes a shot at me and this Madison thing is just karma coming through from Himalayas. So shoutout to that ugly group who I know wrote my name down tonight- I needed more target options for when I stay!!

Why did I agree to play allstars? I hate that I threw that challenge so extremely but at least I now know that someone has it. With a 17 person tribal so much tea has been shared and poured and spilled and sopped up and wrung out and dripped into the mouths of others. In short Madison should be leaving tonight and I’m trying to play my own game. Originally it was going to be a blindside. Ali Ashvika Zach and myself were flipping to work with Owen, Cameron autumn Dana will and Kevin. So we had majority either way the dilemma was just whether we tell Emily or not before the vote. Luckily enough the tribe has switched to voting for Madison so it should be near unanimous. Madison is leaving because Emily cannot gain too much power. I wanted to vote jack but she was against it, so I’m okay with voting Madison. It’s really weird to watch who’s connected with who through trying to figure out this vote. I have a couple of alliances and new potential allies and seeing bonds form. I hope I’m not being bamboozled. Hehe bamboozleled is a funny word. Anyways I’m really interested to see how the game progresses because I feel good about my potential game moving forward and i am looking forward to the hell ahead 

I should vote for madison but I don't wanna lose trust with Emily or lily. I'm not gonna vote autumn but I could throw a vote on like...jack. but does that really help me with lily or no lol so hmmm and also if Emily knows madison is leaving idk ugh ARE U HAPPY AMANDA. fjsadhfkdjs fuck but if I vote jack I can be like to lily "omg i forgot to change my vote" but also....what if people are lying and my vote is needed? I feel pretty confident that Will, Cameron, Dana, Autumn, Zach, Ali, Duncan, and Ashvika are all gonna vote for Madison. The worst that can happen if I vote Jack is an 8-8-1 split and then on a revote I can vote Madison. If an idol or some other advantage is played tho that's yikes but it seems everyone is voting for madison now soooooo maybe I should just yolo it although if madison gets idoled....hm. HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Duncanhttps://youtu.be/J0cpaZBap0Q

So. I was gonna do a video confessional, but its too late and too much is happening and AGHHHH I need to recap everything that's happened since One World and oh.my.god, its a lot. So, we one world. First things first, I didn't expect to win immunity, but Lily also murdered this challenge, so it wasnt as if I could've even come close to winning. The first thing that really happened when we one world'ed was that I called with Will. Firstly, what a king, I love Will. I basically learnt that Will/Cameron/Owen/Dana/Autumn have been the majority and I LOVE that. The first four are all people I wanted to play with in some capacity going into this game, so its so great that they're all on the same page! Autumn I've just met but already love, she is fun and great. But yeah, I called with Will, and we were on the same loose page for the vote, but it was kinda too early to make any major decisions. I later called Dana. What a QUEEN. I am such a Dana stan too. I am so relieved she doesn't hate me, and I'd love to work with her going forwards too. I think our gameplay styles really compliment so that's great. Calling with her kinda reinforced to me that I should try and slot in with their alliance of 5. Today, I've called with Duncan,Owen and Cameron. They are all kings! The highlight is that Cameron also has an idol! I LOVE IT! Anyway, the vote was gonna be Autumn, but I am a seasonal warrior of time and space, so I tried to rally Ashvika and Duncan, and get people to flip to Madison. I think... I actually had a lot of control this vote and I'm kinda shook. Going forward, Lily and Jack are such unknowns for me that I really wanna see them go ajdfhaslkd. They would be my picks for the next two to go. I'm 100% sure I forgot stuff, but I'm rushing to submit this pre-tribal

I do not think we're tribe swapping after this. I just don't. I think this will be something... weird. We all vote together as a seventeen BUT after this... we're staying in our tribes. This One World is really trying to bait us into flipping? Idk though it's really working. I'm fine with flipping???? JD BROUGHT UP DANA'S NAME IN THE TRIBE CHATLKFJADKLFASDFLASD IM SCREAMING!!!!!!! I'm on call with ZACH RN!!!! AND HE GASPED!!!!! LMAO I'M CRYING!!!!!!!  I'm really trying to like..... figure out who I really wanna vote for my dude! This is crazy! I can't think of who I want gone and everyone has good arguments! I wanna go far with my boys, Zach and Ali, but I also want to go far with my girls, Lily and Madison, and my boy Owen. Like. There's definitely a dilemma.

Madison becomes the 4th person voted out of Athena All Stars in a 13-3-1 vote. You can see Madison’s preseason interview here.