#i am aware that whining about getting into a PhD program because it isn't name brand is ridiculous
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So, admissions didn't exactly go the way I wanted - I am excited about the offer I got, and it's a great school that my professor wouldn't have recommended if he didn't think it was a good program. But I applied to a lot of the top-tier "name brand" programs - some of which I was really excited about - and the closest I got to them was one MA admission. And that's a little bit of a hard pill to swallow when you're a privileged fuck who's had your family talking about how you'll do great things your whole life.
Fast forward to today, I'm watching a movie where the main character doesn't get into the top school she applied to and has a hard time with it. Texted my friends to joke that watching this was a bad idea. And I get back "I'm watching [some guy]'s tour of England and he stops in Cambridge. I think it's just now sinking in." Because my friend got into an MPhil at Cambridge.
I love my friend. And obviously I don't want her to suppress her joy about her amazing accomplishment. But goddamn lady, have some tact? 😂
#I'm fine#I'll get over it at some point#and the school i got into is actually a family tradition so that's neat#and i was almost as excited about it as i was about the name brand programs#it's just a bit of a blow to my ego#and the fact that my friend is celebrating getting into one of the best programs on earth is clashing with that#Also can we talk about how people having too much confidence in you can fuck you up too?#like obviously I'm very lucky to have a supportive family#my friend keeps talking about how no one thought she'd amount to much and of course I'm lucky that everyone was convinced i would#but now i haven't really. i have amounted to pretty average.#so instead of focusing on how i got in somewhere and I can spend five years doing what i love#I'm debating going to the MA program that sounds pretty cool but is wicked expensive#and means I'd have to reapply either this year or the year after#because I'm supposed to be perfect#and to be clear i do feel like a heinous and unlikeable snob for feeling this way.#i am aware that whining about getting into a PhD program because it isn't name brand is ridiculous#and god knows i feel bad talking about feeling like I'm worth less#like I'd never ever hold anyone else to this standard because everyone else is an excellent well rounded individual who's amazing#and has so much inherent worth regardless of what any institution says#but you see I am a very boring academia worm who has to be the best#because if someone else is the runner up that means we both have value#if I'm the runner up they have value and I'm utterly worthless#i am in therapy for this for the record#I'm working on it it's just a consistent and known problem with the way my brain works
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