#i am actually just extremely tired and actually on the brink of passing the fuck out so my brain isn’t doing very Woman in Stem things rn

[dykeomania]

so i’m literally turning 20 in an hour and i’m doing a physics problem set there is absolutely no such thing as any higher power

[i-jxta]

February 21, 2023 | Tuesday | 11:43PM

My sanity is being held together by a piece of used tape. Every day feels like the worst day ever over and over again.

All day I have been on the brink of snapping. I have an extremely loose grip on myself right now and I am watching myself crumble, everywhere I look there is no escape. I am tired of doing and acting the way everyone needs me to act. I am tired of being in school, of working, I haven’t had a fucking break in so long

My brain feels heavy and fuzzy, and I am nauseated from the amount of emotion I am feeling at the same time, 24/7, every day.

The agony I feel every time I have to pretend like I have it under control and like I am perfectly fine. I am on the brink of losing it actually. Everyone tells me “You have to be strong” and “you just have to keep going” or like my mother, they ask me "what happened to you" and "you weren't like this before". I have always been like this. Ever since I was 12 in daily and constant emotional pain. So much inner turmoil for such a long time. I think to myself there will never be a way out. I will always have this personality disorder. It's not curable, manageable but deep down I will always be flawed and broken. There’s not a single thing or person that can make me feel better or alleviate the amount of emotional pain I endure every single fucking day. I don’t understand it myself because I feel like this right now and in the next moment I’ll forget about it and won’t be able to connect with the person who is writing this right now. I'll re-read this and feel absolutely fucking nothing about it. I might make a joke and say "I am so dramatic lol" I am not being dramatic, I FEEL THIS. WE'RE FEELING THIS STOP DOWNPLAYING YOUR SUFFERING. I cannot help it, I can't bring myself to connect with this anymore. As I type this, I feel it passing. Why can't you stick to something? In the course of 10 minutes, you no longer feel this way? Fuck you.

Every single day it’s this back and forth in my mind and I cannot cope. I can’t cope I don’t know how to I want to explode, I feel like I am under so much pressure to perform. And nobody is understanding that it’s not just feeling sad or angry for me I feel devastated, despair, agony, rage, I am fuming. Someone breathing too loud next to me makes me homicidal and then guilty and shameful. It’s either no one wants to hear me speak or I speak and nobody cares. There is this constant duality inside of my head. I think one way and I am completely capable of agreeing and understanding the complete opposite. I am constantly validating and invalidating myself. I feel like deep inside I’ll always feel alienated from everyone else and nobody will ever get it or me..

[nanasparadise]

Can you do (aged up of course), Yandere Narancia x reader. [p.s can it include any of these prompts? “ Stop denying our love! Stop denying our future together!! ”, “ Please don’t cry. Show me the smile I love so much! ”, “ You can’t escape my love.”,” You will grow to love me back, I just know it!“] Thx so much <3

“You can’t escape my love”

“You will grow back to love me, I just know it.”

Hiya anon! I hope you enjoy it! <3 

Summary: Your boyfriend doesn’t understand the concept of boundaries and keeps harassing you, until he stands in front of your apartment’s door...

TW: cyber harassment, implied stalking, gaslighting, mentions of a panic attack, toxic relationship, noncon touching, curse words, MATURE AUDIENCE ONLY/MINORS DNI

I do not condone any yandere behaviour in real life.

Narancia has been aged up, no minor content on my blog!

Word count: 2155

“No escape” Yan! Narancia x gender-neutral reader 

 Bling. Another one of… how many messages again? You have stopped counting a while ago. An exasperated sigh escapes your lips, wondering why you haven’t turned off the volume yet. Why is he so unrelenting? Annoyed, you take your phone in your hand, staring at the twenty-five texts Narancia has left for you. At first, they have started off innocently, asking you about your well-being and your day. But as time has passed, the messages have begun becoming more invasive and have ended up being straight-up creepy. 

“Why aren’t you answering me, did I do something wrong?” 

“Stop being so stubborn, I know you want to be with me, too!” 

“I’m always near you, you’re aware of that, right? You can’t escape my love.”

 An icy shudder travels down your spine while reading the last two sentences. Fear clenches around your heart, making your chest feel heavy, your breaths short and laboured. 

“’’Try out this dating app!’ they said, ‘It will be fun!’ I see where this fun has lead me to”, you think gloomily. Why on earth did you ever sign up to that damned app and had to match with Narancia? You curse yourself, curse your naivety for having expected to encounter there a nice and healthy relationship.

The only thing that has waited for you is an obsessive stalker you can’t get rid of. Of course you didn’t realise Narancia’s disturbing nature at the beginning. No, you thought of him as sweet and energetic, although a bit tiring. Your first dates were pleasant: you went to a fair, sharing candyfloss and laughter between you, to a restaurant, where the Italian nearly choked on his pasta out of excitement, to a spring picnic at the local park, bathing in the gentle sunlight. It all seemed so beautiful to you back then, so innocent. But quickly, things have changed. 

Narancia has become increasingly clingy to you until it started feeling as if he was glued onto your hip. Oh, you want to go grocery shopping? He’ll come with you and help you carry your bags! You’re planning on visiting your family on the weekend? He’ll join you, he has been dying to meet them anyway! 

Setting boundaries with him was extremely challenging. Every time you hinted that you’d rather like to spend some time alone, he nearly threw a fit, taking your words out of context and twisting them around. 

“So you want to toss me away? You don’t think I’m important to you?”, he shouted at you, tears of anger forming in his eyes. Back then, you didn’t notice his gaslighting methods, felt guilty for prioritising yourself. But now, you don’t want to hold yourself back anymore. There isn’t any reason for you to justify yourself, especially not to someone who clearly has no right to intervene in your life like this. Your gaze travels back to your phone. All these messages, these implications, are proof enough of his unhealthy attachment to you. Hell, he even admitted following you! No matter how much you enjoyed your time together, you can’t let Narancia continue with his creepy behaviour.

Quickly, you type a text, telling the Italian that if he goes on invading your privacy, you’ll block him. For a few minutes, sweet silence dominates your living room. 

“Maybe he finally got it”, you muse hopefully. 

Bling. There goes your hope. 

“Are you messing with me? Why would you write that?! Please, stop with these jokes, we can talk about this!” Another sigh comes out of your mouth. 

“No Narancia, we actually can’t. That’s exactly what I’ve been trying to tell the whole time, but it seems you don’t understand. I’m sorry, but I’m gonna block you for now, otherwise I’ll go insane.” 

With these final words, you block his number. Relief washes over you as you realise that the Italian can’t harass you anymore. 

“It‘s kind of sad how things have turned out”, you mumble to yourself. Though you do feel some regret – after all, the two of you had shared many beautiful moments together – you abruptly stop your pondering. “No use to cry over spoiled milk, Y/N. If he keeps treating you like this, it’s best to get away from him.”

Little did you know that Narancia isn’t letting you go that easily. The following days, he kept reaching out to you towards multiple phone numbers. Every time you blocked it, a new one popped up. At this point, you’ve simply stopped using your phone altogether, only relying on the device if it’s inevitable. In those cases, you’re helplessly exposed to the unnerving messages of the young man. The latest one keeps haunting your mind, initiating your anxiety. 

“I’ve been really patient with you, Y/N, but this little game is making me lose my temper. I’ll be seeing you tonight and then we settle things straight. You will grow back to love me, we’ll make up again, I just know it.” 

Nervously, you eye the nearest clock in your flat. 8 p.m. What does Narancia consider ‘tonight’? Will he even come? Are you able to face him right now? 

“Oh god, I need to go”, you whisper desperately, nausea manifesting itself in your stomach. You could crash at your friend’s place, you’re sure they’d understand your situation. Quickly, you gather all your important belongings, ready to flee, as a loud knocking on your front door followed by an all too familiar voice interrupts your escape. 

“Hey Y/N, could you open the door for me, please?”

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. You mutter an incoherent string of curses. Petrified, you just keep staring at the door, not daring move a single muscle in your body. 

“If you don’t open the door yourself, I’ll just break it in, you know?”, Narancia shouts on the other side. The casualness of his tone scares you even more. 

“How can he just be so blasé by his behaviour? Doesn’t he notice how wrong his actions are?” Actually fearing the Italian might damage your property, you accept your defeat and slowly walk up to the front door. Hesitantly, with shaking hands, you unlock it and pull the handle down. Nervousness creeps up on you, making your palms grow sweaty and your heart palpitating erratically. Soon – too soon for your liking – you meet a pair of familiar purple eyes. To your surprise, Narancia smiles upon seeing your face. 

“Hi babe,” he greets you, carefree, “I’m so glad you opened the door for me! You have no clue how much I’ve missed you!” Without even waiting for you to invite him in – which you definitely wouldn’t have done – the young man marches into your flat, invading your privacy even further. Suddenly, two arms wrap around your middle and pull you close to the young man’s chest. Your breathing falters at the abrupt touch. “It’s alright, it’s only me, Y/N”, Narancia tries to comfort you. If only he knew that his presence currently gives you anything but comfort…

A few moments later, you find yourself sitting on your couch next to him. Narancia flashes you a seemingly reassuring grin all while you keep fiddling with the sleeves your shirt. You blankly stare at the floor in front of you. Even though Narancia’s behaviour is conveying sympathy, you couldn’t get rid of the intuitive feeling that this is all but a façade to lull you into a false sense of security. Who knows what he could do to you? Despite his overall sweet and fun nature, the young man doesn’t shy away from using violence if you test his – admittedly little – patience. His numerous messages flash up in your mind again. You’re painfully aware now how he made it clear that you’ve clearly missed your opportunities of being in his good graces. This realisation pushes you nearly over the edge, being on the brink of a panic attack. Would Narancia really hurt you? 

“Look Y/N,” the sound of his voice interrupts your train of thought. A little startled, you immediately straighten your back and glance at his form next to you. The young man’s hand finds its way to yours, stopping your fumbling by securely grasping it. “I didn’t mean to frighten you, but what’s wrong? Why did you just ignore me like that?”, Narancia asks you. You don’t miss the hint of annoyance in his voice, indicating his true feelings. Though anxiety still has a hold on you, you try your best to fight against it and tell him the truth. After all, it’s not like you could escape this situation anyway. So you take a deep breath in and out again, before you spill your following words. 

“Well, I know you’re more of a clingy person Narancia, but what you’re doing is unhealthy. You can’t expect me to give you my full attention all the time. And you definitely can’t follow me around! It’s just creepy and wrong. You know that’s considered stalking, right?”

The Italian stares back at you incredulously. You wonder what’s going on in his head right now. 

“You gave me no other choice, Y/N! How am I supposed to see if you’re doing alright if you deny me like this? You really think me worrying about you makes me some deranged criminal?”, Narancia barks angrily back at you. The grip on your hand tightens. Listening to your previous gut feeling, you immediately retrieve your hand from his all while scooting away from him to gain more space between you. The dark-haired man’s jaw visibly clenches at your action, disapproval glistening in his eyes. Of course he would use his gaslighting tactics on you, he always does when things don’t go his way. Cautiously, you think for a while of what to say, not wanting to trigger Narancia’s wrath any further. 

“It’s not the fact you worry about me, it’s the way you choose to show your concern. Narancia, it’s not okay what you’re doing, you’re actually making me feel very uncomfortable, even right now. Plus, you’re blaming me for your behaviour, which is, again, not acceptable”, You carefully reply, hoping to talk some sense into him.

He makes you uncomfortable? Narancia can’t comprehend your words at all. He’d been worrying himself sick the last few days, trying to reach out to you as best as possible while you cruelly kept on ignoring his countless messages. But he is supposed to be the bad guy now? The Italian scoffs intensely at that thought. He can feel the anger gnawing at his guts, ready to be released. 

“You’re being ridiculous, Y/N,” Narancia reprimands you, “can’t I show you anymore that I care? That I love you? Even after you’ve blocked and ignored me? What do you expect me to do now, to just let you go?” 

“Actually, I do,” you peep quietly, “I can’t continue with this madness. If you don’t want to understand and listen to me, then it’s best for you to go. Now.” Your voice grows stronger with every word you utter, finally regaining your confidence. Meanwhile, Narancia’s heart sinks to his stomach at your statement. Do you really want to leave him? 

“No, no no no Y/N, you don’t mean this, right? You wanna stay with me, don’t you?” 

“No, I really don’t think I do, not after you’ve shown me your true colours.” 

With a force you don’t expect, Narancia pulls you suddenly against his chest again. His arms cage you in, leaving no room for you to move at all. 

“This is just a misunderstanding,” the young man keeps repeating like a mantra while tightening his grasp as if you could dissipate into thin air if he didn’t cling onto you, “It’s normal for couples to fight from time to time, it’s fine. We’re fine, right? You wouldn’t abandon me for real, would you?” 

“Narancia, I –“ you try to intervene, but your attempts remain futile as he cuts you off quickly. 

“No, you’re not going to leave me! I’m not letting you. Look, this is but a silly fight, you’re not going to toss away our relationship for that, are you? Just remember all the beautiful moments we shared together, how happy I can make you, if you just let me!” Narancia nuzzles his head into the crook of your neck. “I love you, Y/N.” He eagerly plants kisses onto your skin, making you shudder and whimper helplessly. Your eyes grow bigger, your breath quickens as you desperately look for a way to escape this situation, to escape him. 

“I love you more than anything in this world. I’d gladly give up everything if it meant to spend every second with you by my side. No one can love you like this but me. Remember that next time you’re thinking I’m going to let you off the hook”, Narancia whispers in your ear, the underlying threat being crystal clear to you. No, you aren’t going to escape from him any time soon…

[the-awkward-outlaw]

Hey!! Can I request some fluff with Arthur (modern au) he finds out his s/o is pregnant please!! Thanks 😍

I hope this one’s fluffy enough! Sidenote: I know NOTHING about pregnancy except what very little is taught in the joke that is the American Sex Ed system. Also, I used my own family as a model for this piece (not saying everyone else’s would have this reaction). 

Masterlist

Read on AO3

You stand alone in the aisle of the store, torn. You’re scared, anxious, and somewhat embarrassed. In front of you stands the shelves, part of the pharmaceutical area. The boxes you’re looking at hold pregnancy tests. Should you get them? Part of you wonders if you’re just going through a weird hormonal phase. You’ve had them in the past, but none of them were like this. 

Over the past couple of weeks, you’ve been having weird things happen. Getting incredibly nauseous throughout random periods of the day, you’re getting tired even when you haven’t done anything. Certain parts of your body have started to become tender and even firmer. 

After Googling your symptoms, everything you found said possible pregnancy. You even took this one survey that was very interactive and asked a lot of questions. One of them was “have you been sexually active within the past month?”. Well, of course you have. You’ve been dating your boyfriend Arthur for over a year. However, that test said 93% likelihood of pregnancy. When you took the test again but lied when it asked about sexual activity, it came up with some bullshit that didn’t make sense to you. Now, the only thing you have left to do to be sure is buy one of these stupid urine tests. 

You grab a box of 12, hoping no one is around to see. You shouldn’t feel ashamed for doing this, yet you do. A result of your childhood, of course. You were raised to think that a couple who had a baby outside the bonds of marriage were idiots, harlots, uncommittable morons who were dooming any baby to a lifeload of problems. As an adult though, you’ve managed to train yourself to think differently, especially now that you aren’t very close to your religious nuts who call themselves your parents. Still, that fear is there that others will think those things of you. 

Quickly, you buy the box and stuff them into a grocery bag, ignoring that it’s a single item that you could easily carry in your hand. Still, you want to hide it. When you get to yours and Arthur’s house, you stuff the box into a cupboard where you keep your other feminine items. Arthur definitely won’t look for anything in there, he knows what’s in there. You don’t take one out though. You’re not ready. 

When Arthur comes home, he can tell something’s off. He usually works from home as he’s a rancher, but today he had to make a run to town to sell some of his goods from the one grocery store in the tiny town. He actually makes some pretty fair money and he’s never bored. 

“You okay, sweetheart?” he asks as he tries to cuddle with you on the couch while you both watch a movie. 

“Y-yeah,” you say nervously. You’ve been dreading the thought of telling him. Never have you discussed with him his opinions on having kids outside of marriage before. 

“You sure? You look kinda… darlin’, you gettin’ sick?” 

You shake your head. “No. At least I don’t think so. Arthur, I… I need to tell you something. Please don’t be angry.” 

“Sweetheart, you know I could never be angry with you.” 

You smile, loving how he can be an extremely rough man. Hell, you remember the fight he got in. It was when you were still living in that horrible apartment complex when you and Arthur first hooked up. Your neighbor was always kind of creepy, making inappropriate comments about you when the two of you passed. One time, he’d done that when Arthur was with you and Arthur got pissed. He’d started yelling at the man, but your neighbor got right up in his face. It didn’t take long for Arthur to punch him. One hit was all it took to put your neighbor in his place, but it was only a couple of weeks after that when Arthur asked you to move in, worried about your safety. 

“Okay,” you say and sit up. You grab one of his hands and place it on your thigh. “Arthur, I… I’ve been going through some kind of weird change and I did a little research. I think I…. I…” 

A tear slides down your cheek. Arthur looks worried and he reaches up to wipe it away, his thumb gently tracing your skin. 

“It’s okay, darlin’. You can tell me anything.” 

You swallow. How the hell could this happen? You and Arthur have been so careful when you’ve had sex in the past. You’re on birth control and he’s always used protection. Then, as though the answer is painfully obvious, you remember that one day when you’d forgotten to take your pill and been in the shower. Arthur joined you and one thing led to another. 

You shake your head, trying to clear it. “Arthur… I think I’m pregnant.” 

His hand on your face freezes. Shit, shit, shit. His eyes have widened and his face is pale, his mouth in a hard line. Fuck, why did you have to tell him? Well, how could you not have though? More tears spill out of your eyes as you think that he’s going to end things right here and now. Your mind starts reeling with what you’re going to do after all this. 

Just as you’re on the brink of completely breaking down, Arthur grabs you and pulls you close, burying your face into his chest. You realize from the sound of his breathing and sniffling that he’s crying too. 

“Oh my God, darlin’. I couldn’t be happier. Were you scared to tell me?” 

You look up and rub your eye, trying to dry it. You nod. 

“Oh, darlin’. I never want ya to be scared of tellin’ me anythin’.” He kisses your head, his hand rubbing your back as you sob into his shirt. He lets you cry as much as you need to, intermixing his soft kisses by telling you everything’s going to be fine. 

Finally when you’ve calmed down, Arthur pulls you away slightly so he can look you in the face. 

“So… do you know for sure?” he asks. 

“No. I’ve only Googled my symptoms. I bought some tests but… I haven’t taken any yet.” 

“Well, come on then. Go take one. I’ll be here with ya every step, okay?” 

“Arthur, one isn’t going to do it. Sometimes you get duds.” 

“I know, but just take one. You can do more over the next couple of days. But only take them when I’m here, okay? I wanna be with you for this.” 

Great, now you feel like crying again. God, if you’d known he was going to be this sweet and supportive, you could’ve saved yourself a lot of stress. He pats your back, so you get up and go take a test. The box says to wait three minutes, so while it sits Arthur pulls you into a tight hug and sets a timer on his phone. When it goes off, you look at the label on the test. 

Two stripes. Positive. 

You sigh and put your face back into his chest. 

“Arthur, what am I gonna tell my parents?” you say, wanting to relieve more of the stress this thing is causing. 

He rubs your lower back. “We’ll cross that bridge in a bit, darlin’.”

“They’re gonna be pissed when we finally tell ‘em,” you say. “They’re probably going to pressure us to get married. I’m not telling you to try and pressure you into it, I’m just warning you.” 

He smiles and kisses your head. He doesn’t say anything because the truth is he’s been thinking about asking you to marry him anyways, but he wants it to be a surprise. Of course, the baby complicates things because he knows you’ll probably think he’s only doing it because of the baby. 

“Darlin’, don’t worry about them. You’re an adult, and so am I. They can’t make our decisions for us, and it ain’t their right to tell us how to live. That’s all you gotta say to them. And I know your mother. She’ll be excited for a grandkid.” 

You giggle. “Yeah, as long as she doesn’t ask me to move back in just so she can keep it for herself.” Your mom’s obsessed with kids, so you know that at least your parents won’t end up disowning you for having this baby. 

“Yeah well, you’re mine and so’s this.” He puts his hand on your stomach. “Ain’t no one takin’ my family away from me.” 

[allaleesha]

"Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated"

I really need to stop referencing songs.

Warning.

Contains blood & is a lengthy story.

Some of details are hazy or completely forgotten also.

It was an extremely traumatic experience.

Me:

"Get up. I need an ambulance!!!"

JV:

"I can drive you to the hospital quicker than an ambulance can get here"

I won't disclose how long it took JV to drive from our house to the nearest hospital, but yes he was correct.

Lights were left on, doors left open. Im surprised none of the neigbours noticed.

LLETZ discuss what happened a few hours prior...

I'd visited the after hours GP service after my bleeding increased. 

JV had come to work to have his teeth cleaned. I went to the toilet half hour prior to leaving work and by the time I had arrived home I had gone through the pad I was wearing.

When we arrived about 7pm at GP access, I could feel myself bleeding. I couldnt even concertrate enough to give the nurse my correct details, for some reason I tried to give her my mums mobile number instead of my own. JV had to take over and help.

The GP I saw actually happened to be a patient at work and recognised my face.

She examined me and saw that I was bleeding but I seemed to be clotting which was good.

She knew the surgeon who performed my surgery and phoned him personally to advise and discuss my case.

My surgeon thought it was some sort of infection so advised to start me on a course of antibiotics and to phone his rooms first thing in the morning to make a review appointment.

This put my mind at ease.

The GP phoned the local hospital to gain advice on the best antibiotics to give and to alert them that if my bleeding increased I had been advise to present to the emergency department.

I was given antibiotics and was told to go home, rest up and phone the surgeon tomorrow.

I felt a little bit more reassured.

I went home, anxious but knew it would all be sorted tomorrow.

Close to 12am I woke up, heart rate through the roof, sweating. 

I had only been asleep for maybe an hour but I knew something was wrong.

The only way I can describe it was like alarm bells in my body.

I went to go to the toilet but when I stood up I immediately felt something “let go”. Id started to hemorrhage.

I screamed at JV to wake up - he is the world heaviest sleeper.

For someone who is pretty neat, the first time since living where we are I had left a towel on the floor at the foot of the bed. THANK FUCK.

I placed the towel in between my legs, laid myself on the floor and kept screaming at JV I needed an ambulance.

He had by this stage chucked some clothes on and was yelling back at me to get in the car, he knew where we live the nearest ambulance station was around 10 minutes away. Reluctantly I agreed.

I called the ED as we drove out of the driveway and calmly explained what was happening and we were on our way.

I asked JV to talk to me the entire way and not to stop. I can only describe the feeling as tired but I knew I was on the brink of passing out. I told him to ask me what I saw, what my name was, how I was feeling, just anything that would keep me with it.

We arrived at the hospital and the surprise we were already there was apparent.

I dont think they really believed the panic. I was placed in a single room and awaited to be seen a Doctor. The blood just continued to pool around me. Almost 2 hours later a male Doctor came in to assess me.

JV had to step out, he isnt the best with blood or needles.

Between the surprise on the Doctors face and hearing the blood coming out of me... I was began to think I might die.

He tried to stop the bleeding as best he could with gauze and immediately called for the resident gynecologist to come down.

She was delivering a baby - emergency cesarean, so I did have to wait a little bit for her.

When she came down I was busting to wee. That’s all I could think about. 

She helped me go to the toilet in a bed pan and between the blood, clots and wee practically overflowed it. 

I know it sounds stupid with the weight of the situation but also I just wanted to get out of my clothes - they were covered in blood and I was very agitated.

By this stage I was on the borderline for a blood transfusion (I am so thankful for blood donors and had previously donated blood). The Gynecologist called for her intern gyno to come down to assist.

There were no available operating theaters so it was perform what was needed in the ER to stem the bleeding or wait for a OR which could exacerbate my condition.

Things got a little hazy here and I was in the mindset of just save my life.

I was treated with silver nitrate, stitched in several places and packed vaginally with gauze to hold pressure on my cervix/LLETZ procedure site.

She placed a catheter in also as I wouldn't be moving for about 24 hours for any reason.

I was a little uncomfortable after all of this but so thankful I was in the right place to get the care I needed.

I was admitted to the ward at about 6am.

I sent JV straight home to rest and also call the family and let them know what had happened.

They advised me it would be a minimum 24-48 hour admission.

I spent the day resting and managed to eat a little bit of food. I felt a lot of pressure not so much pain as such.

I also forgot to mention earlier I had lost 5kg in 6 days... a sign my body was in distress.

The next day the packing was removed and very minimum to nil blood was noted.

I was anxious but they were more than happy to send me home to recover fully.

A week off work and some bed rest.

Little did we know...

This was only hospital visit number 1...

[thisbiasedlife]

Firewall Down (AI! Jungkook x Reader) Part 2

Note: Hello everyone! I am back after a fairly inexcusable amount of time. The college adjustment was a hard one. I lost some family, struggled with my perception of myself, and tried to learn this thing called adulting. I hope you all can forgive my very long absence. To those still out there that will read this, thank you. I hope the next chapter will be longer as I finally start to get back into this again. Please, enjoy the second chapter. 

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader

Genre: Fluff, Angst

Warnings: None

Word Count: 3,894

Summary: (Y/N) lives in a world consumed by hate, famine, and fear. A nuclear stricken world characterizes the loss of all chances of hope, love, and trust. Living in a world so far from the world that we know today, (Y/N) and her dad try to prolong their own survival, nevermind their existence in a group. (Y/N)’s intention to secure only her own survival in a world so hell-bent to erase it is slowly altered by a most unusual source. Though AIs were created with solely the intent of destruction and control, (Y/N) finds herself taking a deadly interest into an AI by the name of Jungkook assigned to her survival group. His continual expresssion of his lack of emotion only encourages (Y/N) to find out more about him. And suddenly, the unfeeling Jungkook is made to feel things he never considered and unintentionally change the course of (Y/N)’s life for forever.

You arrived at the live site fully suited up. Radiation coursed all around you and you were hyper aware that the only thing separating you from a painful death was the thin layer of fabric of the suit. Jungkook was suited in a similar fashion. He may have possessed the conscious of an AI, but his body was still human. Granted, a human body with elevated physical prowess. You wondered why exactly you were out here risking your life yet again, but then you remembered that your life was you risking it all, always. Your dad never took a breath to enjoy the scenery and he wouldn't exactly let you smell the roses either. He wanted you tougher than anyone else, which meant very little in the way of actual affection, more like a commanding officer.

"So, why exactly are we doing reconnaissance in a confirmed dead zone? And when I say confirmed, I mean like five times over confirmed. You seem to think there's magically going to be something here on the sixth try," you grumbled in all manner of discomfort. Just because you did this virtually every day of your life didn't mean you were exactly comfortable with it. You were human and did actually fear death like the vast majority did. "I'm not exactly getting any vital readings," Jungkook added to your point. "See dad? Even your precious AI thinks that this was a decision made in terrible judgement on your part,"you directed at your father with a smile full of sass.

"Could you shut up for maybe five seconds and not question my authority for once?", your dad grumbled in response. "I'm just saying. You seem to think these AIs are smarter than us and Jungkook basically just called your plan a dumbass plan," you added with a shrug of your shoulders.

"I don't remember those words leaving my mouth at all. I simply commented on the vital readings that would indicate human presence if there was any," Jungkook responded. I elbowed him in the stomach sharply. Something I came to instantly regret as it felt like my elbow shattered against his firm core. His human body was certainly tone. "Owww," you whisper yelled directing a glare at him. "I'm not the one that told you to elbow me," Jungkook shrugged, all business as usual. "You know, I really despise you sometimes. Even though we just met. You are actually the sassiest AI I have ever met. Why can't you be more like the AIs my dad activated?", you grumbled at him. "I adapt to the personality that most fits with my activator. Congratulations on meeting your match," he said with a smile. A smile which looked entirely fake. "Did your code tell you that that smile was a good idea? It doesn't mean anything if there isn't any feeling behind it," you jested playfully. "What do you know about coding honestly?," Jungkook replied back monotonously. "I actually hate this. You shouldn't be allowed to give comebacks without any feeling. It just defeats the entire purpose of this form of playful banter," you let out with a small laugh. Jungkook only walked alongside you in silence, his code apparently indicating it best not to reply.

A guttural scream rang out and you immediately went into your fighting stance and raised your pistol in the direction of the scream.  "Dad?," you called out in warning. "I heard it. Get ready. Watch your suit. If it gets damaged, that's the end of you," your dad responded briefly before turning back in the direction of the scream.

Jungkook appeared to tense beside you, reading your elevated sense of discomfort and heightened alertness. A rustling sounded behind you. Before you had time to react you felt an object slice through the fabric of your suit and across the flesh of your upper arm. You let out a sharp grunt of pain, suppressing your scream. You looked on the floor in front of you to find a knife lying there coated in your blood. Whoever threw it possessed inhumanly precision.

The burning started as the surrounding radiation began to draw into your suit. The suppressed scream finally escaped you. "(Y/N)!," Jungkook cried out rushing to your side. You detected a hint of something in his voice that made you smile despite the intense pain you were in. It was emotion. Worry.

"Don't look now, but I'm pretty sure there was some feeling in that," you jested as he reached you. "Humans really don't have good reaction time," Jungkook commented without any feeling, his coding once again appearing to take over. Another scream escaped your lips and you no longer felt the energy to send a sharp comment his way. You felt your hold on your consciousness slipping and with it, your fear increasing.

Even if you didn't die, you were sure that arm would never be the same. Jungkook placed his hand firmly over the opening, applying intense pressure but essentially creating a seal that kept the radiation and surrounding air from entering the suit. Your oxygen level began to return to a level where you weren't struggling so hard to stay conscious. The pain in your arm remained and you felt yourself continuing to slowly fade. "Hang in there (Y/N)," Jungkook sounded like he pleaded. You looked to his face to find genuine concern plastered there. His humanity was breaking through his coding again. You sent him a smile. "Everything is going to be okay," you assured yourself more so than him as a tear rolled down your cheek.

The pain was unlike anything and the pressure Jungkook was applying only made it feel worse. That extra pain was all that was keeping you alive right now though.

"Please don't pass out here. You'll be a pain in the ass to defend and keep alive right here," Jungkook appeared to both plead and attempt to joke. Here you were, on the brink of literally almost dying, and all you could think about was the fact that Jungkook had just honestly cracked a joke and was showing you genuine concern. You had no idea why it mattered so fucking much that it was the last thing you intended to think about. It just was. For some reason, you'd been drawn to Jungkook. Sure, his brain was an AI at this juncture, but a part of him had to have a trace of the person he used to be. Before the AI implant had "saved the corpse" as your dad's friends had put it. He was an AI, but you knew, you just knew there were traces of the original Jungkook there attempting to break through the coding of the implant they'd inserted. You knew it. Having proof of it through any form of emotion filled you with an inexplicable level of relief and maybe even happiness.

"Are you trying to call me fat?," you joked weakly trying to stay awake. "I certainly know those words didn't leave my mouth. I might not be the most socially knowledgeable, but I do know that calling a woman fat equates to pain or swift death," Jungkook responded with a smile. The furthest breaking of the code so far. Pure, unadulterated emotion. Not to mention the blinding, extremely handsome nature of the smile. You were fairly certain you could die happy now. But, actually, not really. You were scared of dying. You knew you had to get up. You knew you had to find the strength. Jungkook was stronger than a human because of his implant but he couldn't hold you, patch up your suit, and defend against any attackers or protect his own suit from damage all at once. He still had human skin, so the radiation would have a negative effect on him as well.

Motivated by the immediate harm that your condition would cause Jungkook, you attempted to rise to your feet. Your body felt indescribably tired and all you wanted to do was sleep. You knew if you slept here, you'd literally be taking your final "dirt nap". That wasn't something you wanted. You refused to die here and die like this. Your father's idiocy would not be the end of you. His endless quest for glory and pushing the limit would not claim you.

Using your desire to totally give your father hell about this, you pushed through the fatigue and the intense pain. A growl escaped your lips as pain coursed through you and Jungkook braced you. You chambered your gun, searching your surroundings for your assailant. This did more harm than good as your vision swam. Physically, you were not in a good place right now and it was severely hampering your mental faculties. "You don't look so good... I think that I need to get you out of here," Jungkook attempted to reason with you.

"No joke I don't look good. My arm was just exposed to some pretty concentrated radiation.  I'm surprised I can stand, even more so that I have the use of that arm. There's no way we can safely get out of here. Plus, I can't just leave my dad," you responded through the pounding in your head. "He's got two other AIs with him. He'll be fine. My only concern right now is getting you to safety and taking a look at that arm," Jungkook responded looking at you a second longer than was probably considered appropriate. Something had changed, as a programmer of the past might have said, his code was corrupted. He was doing things that his programming would never had indicated or even have fathomed.

Though you were in indescribable amounts of pain and already felt yourself starting to blackout, you managed a weak reply. "I don't think there is any way that you and I can get out of here safely. Look, usually I'm all for my own self-preservation and all, but, do me a favor and don't worry about me, get my idiot father out of here safe. Our people need him for direction. His life is worth a lot more than mine," you finished deciding that those were the last words you would be able to muster the strength to speak. Your mouth felt dry and your jaw heavy. It was unpleasant to even attempt to open your mouth. "Look, for some reason, I just can't find that statement the case," he replied averting your gaze. A smile crossed your features before you felt yourself fall and you lost complete consciousness, your world turning black.

The light was so bright, so white, so comforting. The complete opposite of the horror, hunger, and desolation you'd seen your whole life. You felt at peace, something that had been alien to you for so many years now. You knew you had to be dead. No place on Earth existed like this anymore. "What a way to go out," you chuckled to yourself. Your only hope was that your dad would learn at least a little more caution from your death.

"Y/N?" a voice called your name. It was a familiar voice. One that had only been around a short while, but knew a disproportionate amount of things about you. It was Jungkook's voice laced very discernibly with concern. Did AIs go to heaven too? Was this what heaven was like? So white, so pure, so comforting.

"You made it to heaven too? Guess there's a little less to it than I thought," you quipped. "Would you just open your eyes?" the voice sounded annoyed. Something that, had you been more aware of what was going on, you would have certainly noted as impossible.

Your eyelids felt heavy as you fought to open them. Once they were finally open enough for you to take in your surroundings, your eyes fell on Jungkook. "Not dead, huh? Well, this is embarrassing," you joked. The pain finally hit you and you winced.

"For you? Maybe. I would suggest you just be glad that you're alive. You were not particularly fun to carry from the live site under attack like that," Jungkook responded, ever the tactician. His words startled you into realization. "My dad?!" you panicked. "He's totally fine. Hauled ass out of there with me and the other AIs as I was getting you to safety," Jungkook reassured you.

You exhaled sharply, releasing a breath you hadn't known you'd been holding in. It proved a bad idea as you winced again at the pain that wracked your diaphragm. "So, what happened?" you asked, remembering little after you crumpled to the ground.

"I got you out of there. I did my job. That's it," Jungkook responded almost as if he was hiding something, which was a crazy prospect. "Right. Aye, aye sir. I meant, who attacked us and such?" you responded with a shake of your head attempting to ignore how weird Jungkook was being, even for an AI.

"Well, based on what I conclude before you went and decided to be what I believe your people call a "nuisance", I noticed that there were no life readings. Nothing that would suggest that we were attacked by people. If it was people, they were wearing some kind of advanced cloaking technology. The only way they would have that, period, is if they had an AI to guide them on how to jog our systems. What this means is that your dad was likely double crossed by the very person that sent us AIs here or that the tech has fallen into the wrong hands. Both are what I assume you would consider "scary" prospects," Jungkook finished with air quotes.

Sometimes, he could really come off as a pompous ass, but you supposed that that was because computers weren't exactly created to be nice or sensitive in the slightest. "Translated into more pessimistic terms, we're fucked right?" you continued. "Well, it doesn't look good if that's what you're asking. The AIs at the live site were specifically not targeted. They took out the other two humans that were with us with two very precise kill shots. Which means, they were especially avoiding damaging us and solely there to kill all of you," Jungkook responded.

Tears began to fill your eyes. You had selected those two to go with you. It was your fault they were dead. You couldn't protect them because you were too busy dying. This only made it clearer to you that, despite how qualified your dad thought you were, you weren't ready to be a leader.

"Look, I imagine you may be feeling some sort of guilt. Don't. You could never have guessed that that was going to happen," Jungkook reassured you as he placed his hand on top of yours and gave it a light squeeze. Your eyes went wide. Jungkook was detecting your emotions. Okay, you could excuse that. Some programmer probably thought that it was important that he be able to read emotions to better handle a situation. What had your head spinning was the empathy and the concern packed in his voice and the physical contact that he had initiated. That was most certainly not programmed in their coding. Something was amiss here. Something was wrong, but then, why did it feel right?

Your dad never picked a good moment to storm in, but this was a particularly bad one. Your dad burst into the room looking all business. Then again, when didn't he? The guy honestly probably had forgotten how to smile over the years. Jungkook yanked his hand away from yours so fast and turned away from you, noticeably exuding some guilt.

Before your dad could see what was going on within the tent, Jungkook had already settled into his usual blank expression. Only you had seen what had happened and you had some real questions the next time you and Jungkook were alone.

"This is all his fault!" your dad pointed angrily at Jungkook. "I am pulling the plug. He has been compromised!" your dad added storming towards Jungkook. Yes, you were in pain. Yes, this seemed absurd and out of some weird story. But, you had never moved so fast to stand between your dad and something else. "What are you talking about?!" you raised your voice to get your dad's attention. "How is any of this the robot's fault?" you asked. Jungkook cleared his throat before muttering under his breath, "AI. I am more classy and advanced than any robot. It's insulting really". Yes, something was most certainly wrong here. Jungkook had been sassier than the other AIs even after first being activated, but this was a whole different level of sass. You were glad that only you heard it as your dad hearing it was likely to only add fuel to the fire.

"He's been different from the others since he got here! Hell, he even came with a note saying that there were some unresolved errors in his coding. I chose to ignore it because I really wanted to resource, but he just cost us two of our people!" your dad partially answered trying to get around you to Jungkook. This was a really weird situation and your head was still a little groggy and your body still in a little bit of pain, especially your right arm. You were protecting a robot from your father. How did this make any sense?

"Dad! Explain! You're just rambling like an idiot," you raised your voice again to get him to stop his attempts at Jungkook. Jungkook only stood still behind you, making no attempt to move, standing there like a completely unbothered statue. "Jungkook! Will you please move further away? You're only making this harder on me," you directed behind you. "I can't do anything until you give me an order. I was waiting on you," he answered just a little to sassy for your liking. Honestly, you loved a good sass match but it was already weird the level of sass he was exuding, not to mention the fact that you were presently involved in a squabble with your dad over him. He was being a childish AI, which was absolutely the most ridiculous situation you'd been in in awhile.

"The pad that keeps track of all of them just gave me a red alert that read: "Compromised - Terminate". If we went into that with him compromised, it only stands to reason he gave our position away to the other AIs that mine reported," your dad finished sinking all of his weight into one hip like, again with this, a sassy high school girl. What the fuck was going on here? But, Jungkook was compromised? Interesting...

"Look, dad, he got me out of there. He did his job. He was surveilling the entire time we were there with me right beside him. I never once saw him make a move to give away our location or send off a signal. He didn't do it. He's functional. He wouldn't even move without my command just a second ago to avoid this rage that you've worked yourself into. Open your eyes and realize, your tablet has it wrong," you answered your father.

"May I suggest questioning the people that gave us to you rather than Ms. (Y/L/N). I happen to think that they know more about this than they let on. Only a little deductive reasoning brings me to the possibility that you could have been double crossed or you're being used in some way," Jungkook spoke up without so much as a nod from you. Your father's eyes widened in shock. "Well, I never," your dad muttered like an offended rich woman. "Alright, alright dad. Can we not do this now? Seriously. I've been standing for less than thirty minutes and I really just need some time to process everything that just fucking happen," you spoke up trying to break the mounting tension of the room. You proceeded to shoo your dad out, to which he begrudgingly complied, noticing the apparent amount of pain you experienced in your shooing efforts. Better to let it alone for the time being.

After your dad had cleared the room and you were sure he wasn't going to make any surprise entrances, you turned on Jungkook. "Give me the skinny. How bad is my arm?" you asked looking at your wrapped upper arm. "I didn't have to amputate it or anything, but there was some pretty advanced muscle and tissue damage due to the radiation exposure. You've still got your arm, but my guess is that it will be awhile before you can use it like you did before the incident. I'm not a doctor, but the medicinal archive suggests some degree of physical therapy," Jungkook answered. You were, of course, relieved to hear that your arm was still entirely just that. No amputations and no prosthetics. What was a little frightening was the notion that your ability to defend yourself and function was likely to be entirely compromised. You led groups of militants. Groups of people that respected strength. They preyed on weakness and this would surely be one that was hard to hide.

Jungkook must have noticed your troubled look. "I can help with the therapy and it's my job to keep you safe, so, you don't have to worry about that," he tried to reassure you. Empathy. "It's not that I'm worried about. To be truthful, it's looking weak to people that expect me to be strong," you responded in a semi-rare moment of vulnerability. You weren't quite sure why you found yourself opening up to him as you'd always been taught never to let anyone in. It was just something as easy as breathing.

"I can help there too. If anyone questions you, I'll just use force to make them fear you," he again tried to reassure you. You chuckled at how nonchalantly the words flowed from his lips. "Then, would you be any better than my father?" you let the sentence hang in the silence between the two of you.

After several beats of silence, you decided you would ask the question that had been burning in the back of your mind. "Do you feel different?" you asked meeting his gaze. He immediately averted his eyes. His open demeanor disappeared as his body constricted. It was quite evident that the question made him uncomfortable. Shame. Embarrassment. He remained silent.

"Jungkook, answer me," you pressed. The silence lasted just a little while longer as Jungkook pondered how to get his thoughts together, his programming having no right answer to such a question. "I do feel different but I can't explain it. It's almost as if my programming took a back seat to something more powerful. The more powerful entity doesn't seem to always pick the right course of action either. I feel glitchy," he answered. Suddenly, finally, you put two and two together.

"I think you just answered your own question, Jungkook. You're feeling. It's not just 0s and 1s or whatever anymore. You're experiencing emotion," you explained quickly realizing that you had said it both way more excited than you intended to and way more excited than conventionally acceptable. You weren't the only one shocked by the news though as Jungkook's eyes went wide.

"Excuse me, but, I'm what?!".

[readerwinterbarnes]

Motionless Pt. 13/?

Bucky x Reader, OC’s

Summary: Albern’s plan slowly becomes revealed and the outcome doesn’t look good.

Word Count:  2,504

Warnings: Language, character injury, graphic stuff, depression, angst

A/N: Oh man guys, it’s been quite a journey. There is still a lot going on and it’s gonna be a feels trip. Thank you for being patient with me this whole time and enjoy! Let me know what you think of it!

The lonely sound of water dripping in the drain was the all you could hear as you slowly came to. You don’t remember blacking out after Bane brought you back in, then proceeded to handcuff you to the rusted bed rails or even when someone - you had no fucking clue who - came in to check on you. Which was actually quite amusing as you thought about it. Why on earth would they come check up on you when you had absolutely nowhere to go and no means to move?

Well you could, if you weren’t currently handcuffed to the bed on your fucking stomach. Then all you’d have to do would be to crawl right out the door and out of, well, wherever the fuck you were.

You laid your head back down on the worn down mattress, losing yourself to the silence. There were a few rats in scurrying along the walls, only to huddle together in a corner fighting over the food scraps that was once your food.

Bane came in once or twice a day with a plate of food and placed it within reach of your hands, for you to eat. But you didn’t. You didn’t dare touch, let alone eat anything they offered you, in fear of them injecting it with something or dusting it with some sort of powder. So, you left the food alone and offered it to the rodents instead.

Time passed slowly, but you were pretty sure it was a few more days before anyone came into your molded, rotten cell. But today was different, a very bad different. A new and uneasy chill ran down your spine when you noticed Albern walk in behind Bane, with a grin on his face. Almost as if he was a child receiving a gift on Christmas. Crouching down so he was eye-level with you, he took off his black leather gloves and caressed his smooth warm hand down your spine. Letting it linger just above your hip. Disgust swam through you like a tidal wave, but you were completely helpless from his actions.

And by the smug look on his face, it told you he was extremely happy you couldn’t fight back.

So you kept your mouth shut and just grinned and bared it. Hoping he would just say his piece and leave you alone to your thoughts and your furry rodent friends. But knowing Albern, he was here for a reason, he was here on a mission. A mission you happened to be involved in.

“You are looking a little frail my dear, is our hospitality not to your liking?” You remained silent, but your eyes spoke volumes. There was so much you wanted to say to him, every single vulgar phrase, word, insult you could come up with were swarming around your head so fast, you weren’t even sure where to start. Albern leaned down and kissed your temple softly, brushing back your unkempt hair, frowning at the tangles.

“You are using your mind a little too much, Y/N. Why don’t you relax and let me handle things. No need for you to tire yourself out.” He clasped his hands behind his back, moving to stand in front of you while two other men in white lab coats came walking in.

“We need you to be strong and healthy, in order for our plan to work.” This set you on edge, Albern rarely, if ever, had anyone else take part in his ‘interrogations’. You weren’t sure why they were there, but it definitely didn’t look good.

One pushed a gurney behind the other, waiting patiently as Bane uncuffed you from the bed rails. Standing aside as the two doctors lifted you up and placing you back on your stomach on the gurney, Bane re-cuffing you to the gurney. By now you were confused, the only other room Albern interrogated you was, well….the room you were currently in. No words were said as the men began to wheel you out of the room and down the long hallway. You thought, ‘This is it, this is where they actually finish the job’. But then you thought back to what Albern said days before, how you have something he wants and Bucky has something he needs and all that Hydra bullshit. So if you weren’t going to die, what the hell are they planning?

You continue down the familiar hallway, taking in the gray concrete walls, watching as the lights passed by you. Casting shadows alongside the holes and cracks that lined the walls. You shifted your head to an upright position, resting your chin on the white bedsheet as they turned down a different hallway. You weren’t familiar with this area. You most definitely would’ve remembered this. The walls were….clean. Walls that were once concrete, were now, smooth white plaster, dark blue tiles bordered the edges. The sharp smell of disinfectant, detergent, and non-moldy air filled your nostrils.

After a while, you were wheeled into a huge bathroom where three female nurses waited patiently. The man who was pushing your gurney, stopped just beside the women, followed by Bane and Albern.

“Bane, would you please uncuff our guest here, wouldn’t want to risk her getting a further infection.” Bane took off the cuffs from your wrists, leaving behind scarred and bruised flesh behind. There was no doubt the cuts around your wrists were infected, but it could’ve been worse.

“Now my dear,” Albern pulled up a chair and sat down beside you as the women cut off the remainder of your clothes - leaving you completely bare - as they were put aside to be burned now doubt. “You are in very good hands. If you behave, any future pain will be much more tolerable, if not,” he trailed his fingertips over the bandage at the base of your spine, “you will regret it, I guarantee you.” Without removing his hand, he decided to migrate his hand up to your neck and rub his thumb alongside it, forcing you to face him.

“These two lovely nurses are going to bath you and afterward, I’m going to let the doctors patch you up. Wouldn’t want you to get sick, not when I still have great plans for you. Of course, that might change quite sooner than you think.” He sat back in his chair in a relaxed state, crossing his legs together as he stared at you. Now you even more confused. First, he tortures you until you were might as well have been on the brink of death. Cuts out the contraption in your back, along with your ring finger, litters your body with countless scars and brand marks, leaves you in a cold, moldy room for who knows how long…..and now? Now, you’re being treated for your injuries, being looked after from the injuries he put there in the first place? No, no this wasn’t going to stand with you. He most definitely had a reason as to why he was doing this.

“Okay, not that I don’t like being pampered, but what the hell do you want, Squinty? You gonna treat me with hospitality until I feel safe and then come bursting in with a new toy to inflict pain on me?” The women working on you, stopped waiting to see what would happen, but you paid no attention to them, you wanted answers and you were determined to get them.

“Cut the bullshit and just tell me what the fuck you want with me. Is it because I destroyed poor brother Friedrich’s plans? Is it because Bucky put a bullet through his head? ‘Cause let me tell ya, he had it comin’. Why am I all of a sudden so special to an old disgustingly piece of Hydra ass?” Albern stopped Bane with a raised hand, eyes locked on yours. You had to give this man credit, his face expressed no emotion, but come on, you lived with the Winter Soldier for years, you could tell when a fire was building up behind a pair of eyes. Hydra trained or not, you were getting to him and he knew it.

But as quickly as the fire arrived, it died just as fast. He smiled at you softly, unaffected by your outburst. “Yes, it is quite tragic of my late brother’s life, but I assure you Schatz (sweetheart), his plans were most definitely not destroyed.”

“Then why the fuck am I here?” You snarled at him, growing impatient with the lack of answers you weren’t getting. Unfazed by your tone, he relaxed in his chair once more.

“All will be answered in due time. Now,” he nodded at the four who were waiting patiently by the door, gesturing them forward, “I trust you’ll behave yourself and let them take care of you? Or am I going to have to stay and observe?” The image of the squinty eyed freak, sitting back watching attentively as the nurses bathed you, giving him a perfect view of your exposure, made you sick.

“If it makes you go away, then yes.” You answered back coldly, receiving a smile in return.

“Wonderful, please inform me as soon as she is prepared.” He told the others, which they responded with silent nods. Albern adjusted his glasses as he looked at you. “Bane will stay here and keep you company. So if you could behave, that would be absolutely divine, considering we have so much more to talk about.” With that, he left you in the care of the others.

You let them move you around in the stall when needed as you sat on the stool, watching as weeks’ worth of grime, dirt, and blood swirled on the smooth white tiles, down the shower drain. It’s not like there was much for you to do, besides sit there and let them work. It brought back memories of when you watched your father help bathe your mother before it all went bad. The gentle caresses, loving touches he would give her. Making sure her hair was out of the way as he washed her skin with her favorite body wash. Then he would softly wash her hair, brushing the tangles out afterward. It reminded you of the times when Bucky would do the same for you. Memories of you and Bucky came filtering through, one’s you almost forgot.

You remember the time when Bucky was recovering from his bike accident and you rushed out of his room, asking the others for help. About an hour later, you were all dolled up in your favorite dress you knew Bucky loved seeing you in, carrying in coffee and pastries for the both of you. How you both spent the whole night, well into the early morning playing 20 questions. It was perfect, getting to know the man you loved all over again. Having the chance to start over, have a chance to fix the relationship you both never wanted to give up. But now, now you wondered if you’d ever be able to go back home to that. Home. The mere thought of that word felt like a dream you could not reach. A shooting star flying past you so fast you barely even had the chance to register its existence.

It wasn’t until much later when the two nurses and the doctors were done with you. One lady even took the time to brush your hair and put it up into a long braid. You were about to be transferred over to the table when you hunched over, barely missing the trash bin at this point, as the contents of your stomach were forced up. A strong arm held you up by your waist so you wouldn’t crumble to the floor due to the lack of use of your legs. You scrambled to stand, but with no success. One of the nurses handed you a glass of water after you finished wrenching a few minutes later. You were exhausted, dehydrated and hungry. It wasn’t the first time the contents of your stomach came up and it wouldn’t be the last. Considering you’ve hardly eaten anything and whatever water they gave you, was gone in seconds flat. So you wouldn’t be surprised if your stomach wasn’t too thrilled with the speedy food consumptions.

With a clean full set of clothes, even fucking socks, you were placed in a wheelchair and pushed back down the hallway. To your new holding cell no doubt. It took the two doctors a matter of just little over an hour to check all of your injuries, clean them, stitch them together and bandage them. You were practically a half dressed mummy at this point. But at the moment you didn’t care. For the first time in weeks, you felt as if you could relax. ‘Course you knew the moment wouldn’t last, never did when it came to Hydra. But you soaked it in. The feeling of the smooth cotton sliding against your skin was the best feeling you could ask for. Sure, you were a prisoner of the enemy you strongly hated, but this was a whole lot better than being tied up with rusty handcuffs on a threadbare mattress in a cold moldy room.

A few minutes later, you were then brought into a completely new room, it was still a holding cell, but honestly, not what you were expecting. The bed had an actual mattress, one where the springs weren’t popping out. The room was void of mold and rats and it was...clean. Bane followed in after the doctor pushed you beside the mattress, Bane then proceeded to pick you up out of the wheelchair and placed you on the bed.

“Well look what the cat dragged in. Come to tell me that this is all one big massive mind game and you found a new way to make me bleed?” You sneered at Albern as he walked in, only seconds after everyone but Bane left.

“I must say, Y/N, you look absolutely radiant, and ‘glowing’ as you Americans like to say.” You stared at him questionably.

“What the fuck are you talking about? Admiring your handiwork no doubt.”

There was a twinkle in his eye, one that could only mean he knew something that was going to help him in the long run. He sat on the chair next to the bed as he pulled out three photos. Photos with blurred green images on them. Images that resembled a person….a very...small person. You dragged your eyes from the photos laid out in front of you to his own. The air sucked out of your lungs.

“Congratulations, Miss Y/N Y/L/N, you’re going to be a mother.” Tears ran down your face as you looked at the small figure in the pictures. Each one labeled with a date, the most recent one was taken not that long ago.

A fresh sob shook through you, you were two months pregnant.

Part 14: WIP

DUN DUN DUN!!!! 

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[braindump7]

february 21, 2017

10:32pm

I know I already posted earlier but it’s not like anyone reads these anymore anyways, so here I am again. My mind is full of thoughts, and I’ll just write about them here in hopes of actually getting them out because I hate mentally running back and forth. (I guess I just hate all forms of running.) 

1. The obvious… Who else is on my mind everyday? He got the job he wanted this morning and texted me about it after he found out, and he told me that it was his first thought to text me about it. He has no idea how happy that made me, and how much brighter my day got by just waking up to that. (Sidenote: I always feel so honored and special when someone takes time out of their day to tell me about something good that happened in their life, like when Hallie got her tattoo, and woke me up from my nap by Facetiming me about “gatorade dick,” or that one time Ena saw the Mowglis live and got the entire video of them singing San Francisco live, just to send it to me. It sounds cliché because everyone wants to feel loved, but for me, being thought of is more than enough, especially by the right people.) It’s funny because I dreamt about him buying champagne, and got worried as to why I would randomly dream about him buying alcohol, but turns out he had a reason to celebrate in real life so it’s all good. I should feel kinda stupid because he doesn’t even like me anymore, and although people, especially Gracie, keep telling me to stay away from him, I still don’t see any reasons as to why I should stray away from my best friend. I don’t know, maybe I’m blind? Either way, I’m so happy for him, and I can’t wait to see him kick major ass in the world and surpass far beyond his own expectations to succeed, because I know he’s destined for nothing less than just that. 

2. I worked on my resume today, and in the midst of trying to find my old one, I found the one Matthew formatted for me. I remember looking at that same file about 6-7 months ago, and how badly it hurt to read “Teamwork makes the dream work,” or “Allison’s resume… Damn she’s cool,” or the way he put “I love you” in the subject bar. I read those words over and over again; I remember taking a xanax that day, because I wasn’t able to breathe after from how hard I cried. Thank God today was different; I didn’t shed a tear, and reading those words didn’t hurt me at all anymore. Also, wow, I just now realized that the 12th of this month had already passed, and I didn’t even notice. I heard his laugh in Jason’s the other day, and got so happy to hear that sound again, but although I still miss him, I am no longer in love with him, and hearing that sound was just me reminiscing of a really good, old friend. 

3. My mom asked me about San Diego, and all of a sudden I remembered how much I really gave up. Independence, freedom, scenery, endless social opportunities/interactions, the satisfaction of being away for college, INDIVIDUAL BATHROOMS (!!!), and so much more; I gave all of that up for a general feeling of happiness I thought I could find in Fresno. Someone my age would probably never think of doing that, but I am so glad I did. I do miss it (a lot sometimes, if I’m being honest) but nothing beats the feeling of being at home with my family, for whom I have found an unprecedented amount of newfound appreciation for. 

Okay well I’m tired of writing but here are more of the petty things that I’m still thinking about from today:

I’m still kinda pissed over my professor possibly fucking my grade up (!!!!) but I called canvas support and I REALLY hope he’s gonna be nice to me about it because the support guy told me it was something wrong from his end. 

Also, the 1975 covered a new song and I honestly am still obsessed with them. I think it’s because of the way their music makes me feel because of the memories I have tied to them, and I hope that feeling never fades.

I started writing a new song, and Connor said he really likes what I have so far, but he’s just extremely nice to me no matter what anyways. Bless. I do feel kinda stuck though; it really sucks how I feel most inspired at around 2am, which is when normal people are usually already in REM sleep, but whatever. 

Dana got a haircut and I tied her hair up into a cute little ponytail; you can even see her eyes now!!!

I saw a really cute dog after I got Jamba today and it made up for the mini heart attack I almost had when the lady in the red Lexus almost hit my car. I just know that Lil Pri dents SO easily, a lesson (unfortunately) learned from summer ‘16, and I literally was on the brink of tears. 

I’m tired so I’m gonna go drink chamomile and soak in a bath to make up for all of this headassery I just typed up in the past half an hour or so lmao bye