#i am absolutely of the mindset of fighting against it but sometimes im just like. god this is so fucking horrible

[co5oo]

Hey, me again!

I totally agree with everything you said. The show does talk about very serious topics, even if all of it is then excuse and red conned to soccer- and I do agree that it's a bit too much, sometimes. You're so right mentionning the war plot line, but also, can we talk about it's not even just soccer

It's JUNIOR soccer

Isn't there any adult team who could fight against aliens instead of kids?

But to come back to Kidou and Kageyama, yes, I 100% agree with everything you said. It's a deeply unhealthy co dependent relationship, and while Kidou obviously can not be held accountable for this, he's a child, Kageyama is an adult and to me cannot be excused for anything he did. I'm always struck by how obsessive he is with Kidou, to such a level it's actually creepy, even if the show often brush over it because ~soccer~. Like, he literally tried to RECREATE him through another child! Keeps calling him his "greatest creation", and begging him to come back to him! If all of it was not a subplot to reinforce the message of the power of friendship, it would be actually frightening. Imagine a grown ass man being so obsess with a boy that he keeps trying to recreate him. Imagine playing the sport you're so passionnated about with a carbon copy of yourself on the field, except it's the version of yourself in the darkest moments of your life. Horrifying.

And Kidou is utterly terrified of him, once he's out of Teikoku- actually, he already was terrified by Kageyama at the very beginning of the show. I remember him covering away, clutching his old magazine against him, trying to back of from his poor excuse of a coach. And once he's out, damn, if the show was actually aimed at more mature audience- what we see already strongly reminds me of PTSD, you know, when he keeps seeing Kageyama everywhere, looking, following and talking to him, and how it completely wrecks his usual reasonnable mindset. It's brushed over too quickly, once again, and it's so obvious he's not at all over that terrible relation he has with this man

And of course Kageyama dies before he gets to fully sort it out, and all Kidou has left is this leftover of fear, mixed with the impression of still owning that awful man everything. It's heartbreaking to me that we see him keep the glasses, like he's forever keeping with him part of Kageyama, and never, therefore, truly shaking his hold off of himself. We never get to see the aftermath, of course, because ina11 is not about that, but dang it's a shame.

I would absolutely love to hear every thoughts you have about Kidou, too!! Like, your headcanons, for example? The plot points you're most interested in? I'm taking anything, really, as I'm joining you in the autistic hyperfixation, ahah

first of all i wanna say i am absolutely astonished at the fact that i finally found someone that i 100% agree on every single point of view regarding kidou and that someone is you. congratulations we are brain twins

second, the ask is already long (WHICH I GREATLY APPRECIATE, SERIOUSLY), so just click on read more to see my reply (its to not clog people's feeds!)

KEEP IN MIND WHAT YOURE ABOUT TO READ IS 90% PERSONAL HEADCANON. i do try to link it to canon as much as possible tho.

well, from all what you said i have not much more to add because, again, its a carbon copy of my kidou interp. actually insane. im very happy! except maybe for the last part but I'll leave it for later

im just gonna talk about my 😁😁 my son whom i love!!! in a general way

first of all getting out of the way the basics if you ever see me use they/them for kidou is because my headcanon is nonbinary (he/they/xe, but for simplicity I'll mostly use he in this). second of all, hondureño, bio parents moved to japan for permanent business. 5'3, short king, possibly underweight but fit enough to play and not get exhausted. autistic and schizophrenic. thats the basics for headcanons

heres the not so basics!!!!

kidou yuuto is an extremely complex character and hes only 13. being a complex character and a teen is already a burden. why are you having the mental capacities and developements of an adult bro you should be? watching adventure time and going to bed before 10 pm get SERIOUS. and its because i genuinely believe kidou "matured" way quicker than most his friends (gouenji also has this issue, but less exaggerated). this is for two reasons. one is a personal headcanon and its simply me thinking puberty hit him early-ish 😅. the second one is EVERY single figure of authority in his life has expected things from him that a preteen shouldn't even know about. his step father's insistancy for perfection (might talk more abt that later) and a need for kidou to HURRY AND GROW UP so he can be successful. and of course, the man himself kageyama treating kidou as if he was a completely independent adult for more than one or two reasons... this cycle would kinda stop when he joins raimon. the coaches, both hitomiko and kudou, are strict with him, but thats because theyre GOOD at their job. they can tell between a kid and an grown ass man. i said the cycle would stop, but not break. kidou has already been used to be seen as the grown up of the team of sorts. he's the...the clever one. the one that directs the teammates, that strategises every move. the one in charge, the big man. indirectly and accidentally, his teammates influence this perception of him further. if you notice kidou has a wayy more formal way of talking. the only thing he's more childish in is when he's getting petty revenge (more clearly shown in orion), or..when he's with endou.

endou is probably one of the many keys to kidou's healing and the comfort of sorrows in the series. not completely, of course. but they see this other kid, a ray of sunshine that no matter how bad things get, he never gives up, he always offers a smile, even to his enemies. despite being the same age, endou becomes a role model of sorts for kidou. at first is more some kind of blinding jealousy. ' how come he can be so satisfied with life? why is he okay even when he loses? how is he happy being this imperfect? kidou can't grasp the idea of having a literal polar opposite being their friend, but eventually accepts it. endou offers a light in kidou's life that they have never seen before, and it's so warm and it feels so nice, it's natural kidou would stay with endou even in adulthood. he brings comfort. he picks kidou up when they can't bring themself to get back up. he makes them believe in a newfound sense of community with the team, and an enjoyment that only 13 year olds could have. so kidou can relax more when he's around with endou, or hell, with a good part of the raimon team as a whole.

now, if you go back to the first parragraph, notice how i put mature in quotations. and that's because kidou hasn't ACTUALLY matured at all. he was forcefully shoved into this role of responsibility with no way out, and believed it to be simply that his genius was far beyond the rest. when he's probably average, excluding him probably being high capacities. here's another headcanon that when he reaches 15-16 years old he has one of the biggest burnouts in the history of gifted burnouts. but in the end its not..true. he is not mature, he is hurt, and his best defense is act all "grown up" about it.

aghhh ok theres ONE topic about him. im squishing my brain trying to come up with more in a more or less chronological order......

ok. if i may jab a bit at his friendships, specially regarding the whole thing with shin teikoku in season 2. this small(ish) segment is about the dependency kidou has on his friends. setting aside endou, since i already covered him, im focusing specifically on sakuma and genda. i'll dabble in a bit of fudou too because his dynamic with kidou is a wonder.

mainly the dependancy in question comes from the fact that they all went through the same shit, except kidou suffered it in greater numbers, but still, same issue : some 50 year old guy thinks he can train/manipulate children into killing people via soccer. i am Not exaggerating this i love pointing out always that kageyama actively attempted infanticide (polite reminder. inazuma eleven is STILL a family friendly shonen despite this). so, when confornted with their friends as shin teikoku, kidou can't help but. see himself. that could've been me. that SHOULD'VE been me. remember how he's claiming the guilt for losing against zeus? which is also the reason (kindaaa fudou pulled strings) why sakuma and genda (and some others) decided to accept the alius stone, and brainwashed as they were, took sides with kageyama once again. kidou takes the ENTIRE blame for this thing happening, he even tries to push endou out of it because this is a..teikoku only issue. kidou finds it that his friends were basically the pillar of his crumbling mental state when they were all back at teikoku. he relied on them to perform well in matches so that then he wouldn't be charged with being a bad captain in case something went wrong. and let's be honest here, kidou probably couldn't do a lot of things outside of football without the guidance of his two friends. we also gotta consider, when shin teikoku is happening, genda and sakuma are feeling huuuuge amounts of jealousy towards kidou for being "perfect". the image kidou carefully crafted so that his friends wouldn't be TOO worried about him worked more than better, but at what cost. small summary for this point since its a bit all over the place is. kidou is reliant on his friends, both in soccer and personal life. it causes his friends to worry too much over him and slightly picture him as the centre of attention, which kidou accepts because for him it's the only way which he can mantain the friendship. ooooof course this gets better overtime. im not trying to say his friendship with these two is fake, not at all 🤒 quite the opposite, its just that when you get 3 teens that went thru similar trauma and never heal from it and one keeps dragging the other 2 down subconsciously. well. it needs some fixing.

then comes fudou, and he manages to reverse a gear in kidou's brain, because fudou is BOLD and Direct. and he puts kidou in his place in his own distasteful way, but it works. he also drags along sakuma and genda with him. fudou is like some kind of ' back to reality ' tool. they work together pretty well, unlike with sakuma and genda which is a constant of ' ok i support you and you support me and we support each other and we balance this tower of support so it doesnt topple over except it does, eventually '. with fudou, he grounds kidou, and kidou lifts fudou up. at least thats how i see it.

to not make this post too long I'll cover only one last topic. i think its time we enter kageyama territory.

BOY you dont know how much i could talk about these two. I'll start by saying DID ANYONE ELSE NOTICE HOW BARELY ANYONE CARES ABOUT THE LIOCOTT ISLAND ARC??? WHERE HE JUST. FINDS OUT KAGEYAMA IS FREE AND IN THE ISLAND AND HE GOES CRAZY. BECAUSE I THINK THIS IS THE FOCAL POINT OF EVERYTHING at least prior to the match against italy (bullshit episode. because of kidou's subplot. the match was fucking awesome)

i dont see this talked about enough. about kidou feeling GENUINE TERROR at the idea of seeing that man again. and kidou worrying more about what might happen to his friends and teammates MORE THAN WHAT KAGEYAMA COULD DO TO HIM. and then fucking demonio astrada shows up and its like???!?!?!?? his whole. fucking. world crumbles away because suddenly he, HE THE PERFECT CREATION IS REPLACEABLE.

OKAY IM GONNA USE ALL CAPS NOW BECAUSE I FEEL SO STRONGLY ABOUT THIS AND IM GONNA USE PRETTY BLUNT WORDS. KAGEYAMA HAS SUCCESSFULLY MADE A HOLLOW OUT OF KIDOU, SO SO SO EASY TO MANIPULATE ITS NOT EVEN FUNNY. HE MANAGES TO MAKE KIDOU THINK THAT THEY WEREN'T ALL THAT IMPORTANT FOR HIM, EVEN AFTER TAKING THEM IN SINCE AGE 8, EVEN AFTER ACTING AS AN ACTUAL PARENT BECAUSE DID YOU KNOW KIDOU'S STEP FATHER ASKED KAGEYAMA TO RAISE THEM??? DID YOU KNOW KIDOU WAS RAISED BY THEIR GROOMER??????? AND DID YOU KNOW KIDOU DEVELOPED AN ATTACHMENT TO KAGEYAMA BECAUSE HE WAS THE ONLY ROLE MODEL THEY COULD LOOK UP TO? BECAUSE HE DID ACTUALLY TEACH THEM EVERYTHING? BECAUSE EVERY EVERYYYY SINGLE ASPECT OF KIDOU'S LIFE HAS BEEN TOUCHED BY KAGEYAMA THERE IS NO TRACE OF KIDOU!!!! THERE'S NO KIDOU!!! IT'S JUST THE VERSION OF KIDOU THAT KAGEYAMA WANTED TO SEE.

...............and that's why i think the whole thing of post-italy match happens so quickly. kageyama suddenly revealing he loves soccer and is actually decent? my ass. yes he does love soccer. yes this hatred and impulsiveness roots from his hatred towards his father. NO, it does NOT justify the acts. it does not justify what kidou went through, only because some GUY couldn't PULL HIS SHIT TOGETHER AND WORK ON HIS DADDY ISSUES

did you notice kageyama projects HEAVILYYY on kidou??? the mentality. ' if i suffered then so he will ' because he sees his younger self in kidou. he also saw it in fideo but he didn't have enough time to groom him before he got killed in an accident ROFL🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪

but yeah.

kidou. forgives kageyama. because what Else can he do? what else could he possibly do? kidou mourns kageyama because who else does he have? he feels lost. he doesn't realise how much pain he's been through, he keeps giving kageyama chance after chance after chance and all kageyama does is break him further and further. and now he's showing a good side. over some italian kid that he met 3 days ago. what did fideo did that kidou didn't? what else can kidou do at that point except. forgiving and forgetting.

so yeah. period.

now, i dont like assuming, but i get the feeling you havent seen inazuma eleven GO? if you have then good, I'll just briefly mention this. spoiler free except for the fact that. drumroll. kageyama is back!!!!! and he's um. normaler? he's not trying to manipulate or kill kids. kinda. he does financially coerce them BUT ANYWAYS.

yes, 10 years later kageyama returns and kidou. Knows that. and he's an adult now, so he can actually be...calm about it. but it just makes you wonder. how does it actually make him feel? knowing it was all left unresolved. knowing kidou didn't have the means to heal or even Realise most of the wrong stuff. did he realise? does he resent kageyama? his thoughts on this in GO are a mysery for me to be honest. i simply assume he's slowly working on getting better.

2 more things. 1. im not gonna talk about aries. its kinda the same shit except kidou isnt there AND THANK GOD. GET AWAY FROM THEM. GET A JOB.

2. you might find it positive that kidou Does eventually shed his goggles. his sister gifts him a different pair. which brings us to our last topic. what does haruna know about all this?

i honestly dont think haruna is even half aware of what Exactly kidou went through. she knows the basics...that he was. bad. and hurt kids. but thats about it. she doesn't know the magnitude in which this man has affected her brother. and we know kidou isn't the most talkative about it. she just...feels that something is wrong. that her brother is different from any other older brothers other people have. and she takes it upon herself to make sure he's ok, even if she doesn't know exactly what she's fighting against.

THATS ALL. THATS ALL!!!! IM DONE. gosh what a ride. 1:20 hours of typing!!!! im also sleep deprived so sorry if some of this doesnt make sense. bleehhhhh thank you for letting me talk about kidou yuuto 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

[trentskis]

it is honestly so fucking miserable that after every major sports tournament it is almost expected that prominent (and any) black and non-white players will be subjected to an onslaught of racism. the fact that if a non-white player makes a mistake or loses a game, you just know the second it happens. it comes so easily and so maliciously to so many people. it just makes me so so sad

[shyrose57]

Brothers anon, I feel really bad about making this so long so there is a split at 7 where its onto another ask. Every answer past 7 is kinda long (especially 8), so im very very sorry. I'll try to not make anything this long again I promise.

1: He does fall back into that mindset at times. At first the others didn't get it but just let him be him. Not realizing it was a bad thing. Its only after they finally got Ranbob to tell then what lead to him getting so connected to the Dream Presence they realizie its a bad thing. But unlike the Presence which promises to make him perfect, they just constantly re-assure him that he doesn't need to be perfect and even encouraging him to make mistakes. Like if Ranbob makes a mistake and drops a plate, he'll freak out, but Benjamin conforts him. Reassuring him that he's ok and that no one is mad. 

2: I still sadly don't have a backstory for them or have planned who met who first. I have some ideas but so far I haven't choosen to go with any certain one yet. The ages don't really play a huge role in their relationship, but it is agreed that Benjamins a father figure or role model to the rest of the group. Especially Ranbob. Isaac actually takes the lead more often than not! Benjamin just sometimes takes the lead in certain situations and is a follower who has a stronger voice/say in what happens than the rest. 

3: If you ask Ran, he'll say he went along because he saw how happy the idea of the roadtrip made his family, and saw how much it meant to them. But there's also a small part of Ran that he pretends he doesnt know exists, that wants to consider Ranbob his brother again and wants to be as close as they used to be, a part of Ran does severly miss his brother and wants him back. But he's far to scared to get close to him again and let him close to his family after what happened. 

4: Nah Jackie knows those things. He's just messing around with Watson and wanted to see him be uncomfortable.

5: Not as many people forfeit as you would think surprisingly! When people get far enough to face off against the gladiators their usually either to stubborn to forfeit or they falsely believe they can beat them. I like to think that Grievous had a problem with people putting stuff in his food, like maybe his family used to put strength potions (basically drugs in this world) in his soup before any training sessions, making him cheat without knowing, and even putting poison in his food a few times when he confronted them about it or was disobedient. And since it was said Jackie was found off the streets I like to think that his family had abandoned him, and over time he got close to people who said would protect him, only for them to either die or leave him.

6: Ran wins most of the time in the games like Dart Throwing or Spoons. Like Jackie tends to win Gold Fish and Tic Tac Toe. Uh, let's just say Jackie and Ran got very heated during a round of Dart Throwing and a dart was thrown that ended up hitting Ran in the stomach, and a punch followed that to Jackie. Watson had to come and break it up and since then enforced that he had to be present during any game of Dart Throwing. He wasnt present once and while nothing bad happened Watson chastised them about not having him there. Everyone has good poker faces expect Jackie, he just can't keep a straight face which usually ends up in someone else laughing at him and losing their poker face for the rest of the game. Grievous has the best luck in games of chance! He doesn't know how but most of the time he manages to win and is between confused and disbelief. 

7: I am not very good with height. I have no concept of measurement of any kind what so ever. I have it so Ran is 8'6 and Jackie is 5'5 but I have no idea how big that exactly is and if its to big or to small for them. Jackie has two main options for dealing with mean people, 1)Be mean back and hit them where it hurts (physically and mentally if possible) or 2)Act like its all ok then go cry later. He typically picks 2 and goes to anyone from the group for comfort. And im not sure if your talking about the fishermens fighting skills or how they react to the gladiators fighting skills (same for the last question)? The fishermen defiantly aren't the best fighters, but because they live in a area where they do get attacked by mobs or thefts everynow and again they do know how to fight. Their actually surprised how far they got in the Pit. The difference in skill level is enough to be noticed definitely, its big enough that Grievous, Jackie, and Watson offer training and mentorship to them. 

1: Ranbob needs a lot of help and comfort-it’s very lucky the fishermen are willing to give it to him. However, it does sound like it was a bit before such happened. How far along did it get before one of the others noticed, or he told them about Dream?

2: So Isaac takes the lead? Interesting. Why is that exactly? What does he have/do that makes him a good leader?

3: Ran’s going through some stuff, huh? But hey, a start’s a start. Hopefully it goes somewhere better than it was. I look forward to seeing the healing journey.

4: I’m not surprised in the slightest, but I am vaguely amused. 

5: Well, I’m sure some quickly come to regret their decisions. Also, ouch. Everyone’s really going through the ringer here. Did those potions have any lasting affects? Do the others’ know of their friends’ tragic backstories? If so, how do they feel about that, and how did they find out?

6: Y’know, I never would have imagined dart throwing could escalate like that, but then again, considering the group, I’m not as surprised as I should be. Was that dart an accident or? And how far does Grievous’ luck extend? Could he win the lottery, or is it more just for small games?

7: I believe there are height charts, if you want help with that, where you can type in the height. But I may be wrong, I’ve only seen them in passing. Ran sounds like an absolute tree, and Jackie’s taller than me, so at the very least, he can probably reach the top cabinets, if that’s any help. I’m not much good with height either though, so possibly wrong. How mean can Jackie get by the way? And how do the others react to both scenerios?

[steponmepinkjun]

THATS WHAT IVE BEEN WONDERING! maybe its cause i dont look a day over 13 and im 5'2. idk. i think everyone stopped being scared of me when i stopped clawing bitches in hs. maybe i should grow out my nails again... LMFAO i was feral fr. nah but when ppl tell me i talk to much i get more upset and less angry and wanting to ruin their life bc my track record w keeping friends is so bad my brain has convinced me it's a me problem and something i genuinely need to work on so i shouldnt hold it against them. it keeps me from sending them 6ft under but i still do hold it against them. like yes jade i remember every single little off comment u made to me in 8th grade. tbh looking back on it it's probably because i still wanted to be friends w them that i held back. the bitches who Really crossed me and i lashed out at, never recovered. i was deadass aboutta jump a bitch on the way home from work the other day for smth he did three years ago. guess i really am a scorpio LMAOOOO too bad im leaving the country i wouldve loved to knock his lights out -felix bi anon

My philosophy on yall shorties has always been this: the shorter they are, the closer to hell. Do NOT fuck w a shortie they will slice your achilles tendon and then go back to their iced coffee like it twerent no thang. Mess w someone under 5'5", they will burn your house down right after they ask for your help reaching the snacks on the top shelf 😂 IT IS NOT A GAAAAAME HOMIE 🤣🤣 anyone who thinks that shorties can't fight has never gotten an uppercut to the jaw from someone who looks like they should be on the schoolbus but harbors the fires of hell inside them at all times. Not a joke, just a fact. I promise you though it's absolutely not a you problem, I know it's so hard to overcome that mindset because we're constantly confronted w the fact that we live in a world that is not designed for us to thrive in, but it's not a you problem, some people just fucking suck. If I had a boring ass NT brain I'd probably be mad as hell that someone had so many cool things to talk about too, when all I had was a regurgitation of whatever mainstream news was out lately 🙄 If I wasn't easily able to juggle six topics and storylines at once during any conversation I'd be mad too 🙄 If I was the human brain equivalent of flat soda I'd be mad too 🙄 Scorpios do be ruuuuuthlessssss tho, straight out the jungle type ruthless 😂 that's what I love about yall. Yall don't miss, yall don't even play. Your shooters a scorp, they stay hot 😂 But I also really love the fact that Scorpios are so feisty and petty because they are deadass the most loyal fuckin people you've ever met, they've always been through shit and have been hurt and their heart is locked away behind all the walls all their past betrayals built. But if you stick around, put in some elbow grease, show you're a real one? Get past those walls? Actually get to touch that heart that theyve kept so soft and so tender, away from all that damage? They'll never leave you, never ever, theyll never dream of going against you or betraying your trust. They'll ride out for life. You gotta work for em, but they're worth it. And if you finally earn that trust, and then betray it? You go back on a scorp once they've allowed you into the triple-decker high-end-security vault that is their heart? They NEVER forget. They might forgive you, sometime 80 years from now, at your own funeral (which they showed up to looking hotter and more successful and more unbothered than anyone else), but they will never forget. Scorps are soft and extremely sensitive under that exoskeleton. Under it all, they're as soft as a scoop of strawberry ice cream melting in the summer sun. Softiest, sweethearts, good, loyal friends, protective as fuck, scary on the outside but only bevause they have reason to be. Every person I've ever fallen in love with has been a Scorpio for that reason, they fuckin get it. I ain't never had my ass checked quicker or more thoroughly than by a Capricorn, and I ain't never been whipped into shape faster than by an Aries lmfao you're swimmin in it, you're golden, boo. MY ass however hoooo lawd jeebus, I got the taurus moon (sounds of projectile vomiting) which is why these boys easily control my emotions from their fuckin dorm that don't even got a proper curtain rod 😂

[crowsent]

Can you explain the color switch technique for theater more clearly? I'm going to audition for our high school play and I want a reliable way to act without having to relive my worst memories.

dunno when exactly you sent this anon, but i hope i havent responded too late.

SO. the colour switch technique. dunno if its an official name or whatever BUT its essentially used in theatre or really in any other scenario where you have to lie or assume an emotion that you’re not currently feeling. essentially, you have to play a role. but since you said youre auditioning for a play, we focusin on the theatre aspect of it.

the most common thing i see or hear people do when they need to play an emotion that they just aren’t feeling at that moment, is to think of a personal event in their lives that elicits that specific emotion. it WILL work, or at the very least, elicit a strong emotion that pushes you to make your scene more believable and more alive. now thats great if the memory or event is a happy one. thinking of the first time you ever held your baby sibling, or that time you had your first kiss, or that day your parents surprised you with a new car. genuine happiness, or the memory of genuine happiness can work wonders to make a scene look and feel organic.

but if the emotion is negative, its going to absolutely DECIMATE your mental health.

no matter how much you think that ‘its just for a scene’ or that it wont actually affect you when youre off the stage, using the “relive memory to recreate emotion” method can and will fuck your mental health sideways with a chainsaw. its BAD for you to constantly think of painful or sad memories. there’s rehearsals, the actual performance, and worse, memories of the play itself. associating the memory of a tragic accident or a bad fight to a scene of a play youre participating in IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU.

i did theatre back in highschool. my depression at that stage was also. uh. particularly bad. so the whole “relive traumatic memories to experience pain so you can act better” is TERRIBLE advise. dont listen to anyone who tells you to do it. it WILL negatively impact your mental health AND your memories of the play, and may even discourage you from participating in future plays yourself.

but you still need to find a way to channel those emotions.

in comes colour switch theory. or technique. whatever its called. my theatre directors were GODDESSES. they recommended this technique to EVERYONE and it WORKS.

the trick is to associate a particular colour with a particular emotion, or even facial expression. when you need to keep a stoic face, you picture the colour in your mind and chant it in your head over and over to not break character. when you need to be sad, just repeat the colour you chose for sadness over and over to get yourself in the mindset WITHOUT hurting your mental health. for me, some of the colours i chose were:

blue- sadness/loneliness

red- anger

black- nothingness

grey- fear

there are more, but lets focus on these four. blue is my favourite colour. but thinking of the colour blue it doesnt automatically make me sad, so i can still enjoy it when im off stage. to channel the emotion of sadness or loneliness that i tied with the colour blue, i think of sadness from inside out and her blue motif. i think of the blue colour commonly depicted for tears. i think of cold and i think of a single person all alone, curled up in a blue room, crying.

just talking about this made my body curl up when i was writing that paragraph. i am shaking, and i feel sad, but when i stopped thinking about that imagery, it stopped. because its not a painful or traumatic memory for me, i can just yeet the blue emotion imagery away from me when i dont want it. you cant do that with personal memories and thats what makes the colour switching strategy so good. you can act better but you dont have to hurt yourself to do it.

think of it as constructing a bubble in your head, or a room you go to when you need to feel something. for anger, i think of a red room. i think of that red emoji with the brows scrunched up and the teeth gnashed together. i think of being so angry you lose words. i think of being red-faced because you just cant control it. conveniently, anger from inside out is also red, so i can think of him too. i think of fire in my veins, hot and ready to explode with nowhere to go but loud, violent screaming. and as im writing this, i can picture myself on a stage just shouting at whoeever has done my character wrong.

same goes for black and grey. black is just when i need to keep a straight face. when i need to be stoic or unimpressed. and its just a black room. nothingness. i sometimes picture that black room in real life when i have to not laugh at something funny if the timing is inappropriate, or when i have to keep a strong facade when i want to cry. i picture that room of nothingness and my mind goes blank. and i can keep a stoic face. the grey room is fog and shadows just in the corner of my eye. its something closing in that i cant see because of all the grey swirling around me. i dont know if im alone. i dont know if i am safe because i can only see a foggy room.

all in all, mentally travelling to a room in your mind created for the express purpose of eliciting a specific emotion is better than just retraumatising yourself. and its really simple to create these rooms. you dont even have to use the same colours i did.

maybe you have more trouble with expressing lovey dovery emotions. you can make red your love room. think of red flowers on valentines day, the red heart decals you see on store windows, the red box of chocolate youd give to a lover. red is passion, red is life, and you can associate things like that with your red room if you want. its like a venn diagram. things you associate with red on the left, things you associate with the emotion on the right, and the things they have in common can be used to construct the imagery of the emotion colour switch room.

then you can just chant red red red in your mind and you think of the blush on the fair maidens cheek as her knight comes to rescue her. you can think of a scarlet dress dazzling everyone in the room, but the wearer only has eyes for one man. you can think of lipstick stain against a collar.

you can associate any emotion with any colour. my process was:

pick a colour

pick an emotion/facial expression

picture a small room in your mind

fill that room with things or imagery that match your emotion or expression

be as specific or as generic as you want

you can have a green room dedicated to irritation or envy or just the loose feeling that youre not completely happy. the reasoning can be just bc you thought of the phrase “green with envy” and thought itd be neat. green can be a mother experiencing the joy of holding her child for the first time because green=nature=nurturing=mother.

establish a connection with that colour. fill out your room and create the keyword to get in. im very unoriginal so my keyword was just chanting the colour name over and over in my head. if i say blue enough times i get sad, even if i dont picture the room bc my mind has formed a link to that state of being. and i can break away without much trouble bc the connection is just on the surface.

colour switch is hair chalk. reliving memories is hair dye. at the end of the day, both of them colour hair. but you can wipe off the hair chalk w relative ease but a thorough hair dye that produces vibrant colours cant easily be removed, even when you want to switch to a different colour, or maybe even lose the dye completely.

i would recommend picking an emotion or expression that youre not good at portraying, but dont struggle with as much for your first room. i am not good at expressing sadness, but im worst at expressing upset or anger. so when i first started my colour switch mindset room, i started with sadness. it helps me express an emotion that im not particularly good at expressing, while still being relatively easy for me to get the hang of. maybe try for the second or third worst emotion you express, build a room to channel that emotion, and establish your connection.

make it a well-tread path, essentially. first few times are gon be difficult, but the more you do it, the easier it gets. all i need now to fake-cry is picturing the blue room, saying blue a bunch of times, and making a face. then i cry. completely fake and not damaging to my health.

i hope this makes sense for you. if it doesnt, feel free to send in an ask with more detailed questions abt the parts youre confused about or anything else. same goes for anyone who happens to read this that has an interest in theatre. id rather answer a dozen asks of the same question than have any of yall do something so harmful to your mental health. if anything was at all confusing, please feel free to tell me and ill gladly clarify some more. stay safe and take care of yourselves. and to the anon who asked, i hope your play goes well

[w1737087]

—————————————

I often snatch to store photographs taken by other people in a file for my own reflections and indulgence. Witnessing content within each I assemble naturally formed thoughts and feelings from them. They have me deliver emotions; some negative some positive and sometimes a paradox of both. I take my own photographs but I’d like to focus on what really occurs when I glance or glare at pictures on the internet through typical daily scrolls in apps on my mobile. I am indeed a child of a technological era. Severely glued to my iPhone. Nevertheless I make it worthwhile. Information and creation comes easy with the use of it.

I like to print out images, cut tears and smear ink, paint or glue or stream other fluids on them to moderate its filter or sometimes filter a new kind of refined aesthetic.

Given lockdown months I have had a lack of access to printing and my hazy attendance in grounds of uni turned into all else but of what I had set out to do for the day so I never managed to print anything out. Therefore I display images in their natural form and discuss my relationship with some particulars to express my behaviours and what’s in my daily time consumption.

I’d like to point out that I don’t go looking for particular images but gather just of any that catch my eye or have me practically immersed within the photograph itself in moments when they are presented in front of me.

Below is an image I saw that fluttered the images of me I made up in my mind quite so long ago that have never left. I often ponder myself sitting on a tall hill. Sometimes a chair too. Im sitting there watching the sunset. The world behind me and feeling the connection between all my chakras. The sight of me sitting there grows bleak and obscured as the minutes go by the bright colours of the sun going down precedes dominance over me. That’s it, that’s all i want. It’s a wonderful dream. I could almost grasp the peace of the moment as if it was real. This particular notion stays with me and that helps shape my mind if not external me.

I live in a world distant from my desires of travelling so a girl can only do much to see the beauty of a world we’re all free to walk amongst. In this day and age everything’s very much advanced. Photographs can be altered a million different ways. Some portray clarity, others softness, a blur, uncanny fuses between the content but they all share the absolute stillness. They take me places and it works because the abundance is always anew. Optimism and factors of imagination takeover and I can pretend to live better in moments of sad and content realities.

———————————

Maybe someday ill tell you the places I go.

Usually I fall into photographs at very first glance and wonder in it like fathoming a dream in the wake. I could see myself walking.. or sitting or being in the environment it shows some other how. Other times it seeps through my eyes to compel me into being wrapped wholly by its divinity. Because of this I see to it that paintings and photographs do not come together for simple look and hideaway. They are supposed to stir us one way or another. For me I see an exact replica of myself wondering within the framework. Some live on in my mind and others like all forgotten things end up in that pit of our minds. I’ve displayed some examples above. I would like to stress the fact that I don’t see myself within every passing image or painting. The first one I pasted I do. Others just spark memories or new contemplation like the latter pieces. The very last one is an example to show captivating. I was taken by the mere filter and drowsy peace it contrasted. The detail was important because it shed hints of it being real and existing and that was good enough for me, to know out there somewhere places as such were possible to be in.

I mention photography because it follows me around a lot. Either I partake or I stumble across the work of others. I often like to use the work of others to reinforce my expression.

[Gallery piece 10 - Strands]

I think what I love most about all these spiral creations is the abundance of strands I see. Totally infinite. There’s just so many, too many to count and the colours are so very joyful and rapturous I can’t seem to pin a negative outlook on it like there are in looking in to other pictures.

This particular piece showcases me in abundance as every strand of colour you see heading to the centre point represents a conformed image of me. I tend to be all over it. My entire cosmic being is in your sights which include my thoughts, day dreams, errors, joys, smiles and tribulations signified as these few coloured strands. Because behind every layer of this fine piece is a coherent clear photograph of myslef. I’ve just strayed it so far from any comprehension that it’s a person. So I deem every inch of it a self portrait. It’s lovely to express myself in a dispersion of colours like so. It’s like day dreaming when I look into it. I am present here and head elsewhere at the same time. Like the very gateway in an out of my own utopia. Simply like a mirrors effect, I see quarter to quarter a reflection of my existing self.

If I could dissect each and every strand I believe I could assign each and every one to all the cosmic things that build me up. There would be one for my name, my gender, my height, one for each of my hobbies: watching excessive movies, favourites in particular because every detailed interest is in favour of helping a formation to build the compound of who you are. I would include fight club, the martian, shooter anything with Brad Pitt or Mark Wahkberg, love for chocolates, my most frequently used colour of nail polish, each and every weird dream I’ve recorded, the accent of my handwriting, my most used pair of shoes and so on...maybe the rest assigned to my collection of atoms if I lose facts about me😂. it would be like a stream of your very own DNA

There’s definitely a beauty in the art of hiding in plain sight. I just happen to take it a little further in ways you wouldn’t have known unless I had come forth with the knowledge.

(I don’t use emojis onhere but hey this is the digital world and it’s readily formed for use and I have the access and freedom to express if I’d like since presenting everything we do online became the predominant way to do so !)

On another note

All these self portrait pieces are to display how in everyday of life we wake up and spend every waking moment with ourselves and how nobody but us see the irrelevant parts of our life. It all counts for only us because we live it. We couldn’t deny all the boring and unseen parts. There is no skipping a single second of a moment but we simply overlook and call life short. I think humans have a lot to pay attention to in ones own journey. Every minute we spend shaping ourselves just a little bit more into the individual we are I think is a lot to consider really. If nobody shall get to notice it I believe it is our own duty to be mindful of how exactly we end up becoming how and who we are. My work is to display all the infinities of happenstance within my own path. To learn not to ignore even the most minor things. I guess this is why I spend my time forming a daily log. To not forget of my habits and how they develop or change which alters the very version I am in the particular year, age, mindset, place of living and so on. Every factor of our individual existence must be accounted for and I do as much as I can through my log to understand myself in the present and who I’m possibly going to become with the way things happen.

To write it all down has me keeping in touch with myself and even though it can be simplified much further I however like to stick to my forms of justifying through vast text just how I think on things. It’s how I learn. There isn’t a competing method against it so I will continue to spill down to much detail.

(I’m a big fan of my work)

[torinspeer-blog]

GET TO KNOW ME

1. What’s your first name? Torin 2. What are you listening to right now? 
The ambient noises of my property. OH! SHIT! Uhhh... punk rock Spotify playlist-punk pop's not dead 3. What was the last thing you ate?
Tuna fish sandwich 4. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? 
"Attention: important seniors!" Medicare 5. Do you drink? 
🤤🤤🤤 6. Do you smoke? 
Only to give myself cancer!👍👏👏🙌💯 7. What is the first thing you noticed in someone? 
I think it depends on the individual? I mean I'm an intuition dom and have ADHD so it's not like I notice🤷‍♀️ 8. What is your hair color? 
Very dark brown 9. What is your eye color?
Hazel 10. Do you wear contacts/glasses? 
Reading glasses 11. Dogs or cats? 
dogs no shit you ever seen a kitters run around like a little glob weeaboo? Uhuh I didn't think so hun! 12. What’s your favorite animal? 
ANY ANIMAL THAT CUDDLES ME AND MAKES ME FEEL LESS ALONE!!!!! 13. What’s your favorite television show? 
Parks and rec probably (seen the ending? On the emotional level it's more like parks and rekt am I fucking right guys? YEET!) 14. What’s your favorite movie? 
Farris buellers day off what am I a hipster? 15. What’s your favorite band/singer? 
GREENDAYGREENDAYGREENDAYGREENDAYENFP4W5PIXIEPRIDESON!!!! 16. How old are you? 
19. I'm old enough to know a thing or two. Like, literally. I know one thing and maybe another but no more than that. 17. Do you have a crush on anyone? yes... don't worry. I burry my feelings deep inside my soul just like every other well adjusted adult 18. What’s your sexual orientation? 
I thought I was bi but then a bi guy said hi from behind and that thought ended 19. What’s your favorite color?
blue? Red? Purple? I'm more of a... ummm... shit 20. What was your most embarrassing moment? 
😂😂😂 ok, so there was this one time, I was born, and it got soooooyyyt awkward!!😂😂😳 21. Do you ever wish you were someone else? 
Oh god I have enough extisensial dread as is holy shit take that to someone else 22. What were you like when you were a kid? 
Lazy, stupid, and never gonna accomplish anything with a work ethic like that hahahaHAHAHAHA SOMEBODY TAKE THE PAIN AWAY 23. What would your dream house be like? 
A little house in the prairies where I can sit in the front yard with my wife in a rocking chair and watch my grandchildren play 24. What last made you laugh? 
My last joke, bitch 25. What is your favorite word? 
Romp... hehehe. It makes me think of cute little bunny rabbits hopping along in the woods 26. What is your least favorite word? 
No 27. What turns you on? IF YOU LET ME TALK FOR A WHILE AND GIGGLE AND THINK IM SMART I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER 28. What turns you off? 
ME NOT BEING ONE OF YOUR FAVORITE PEOPLE (holy shit I mean these are jokes but like god do I need therapy? Holy shit). 29. What is your star sign? 
Sometimes, when I'm lost, I like to look for a sign to know whether I'm standing in the light of the word, or its darkness (the joke is that I use the sun as a sign for if it's daytime hartyharhar). 30. What are your favorite books? 
 31. Do you have any siblings? 
two brothers and two sisters 32. Do you like to dance? Depends if you count air guitar and awkward lanky jolting as dancing cuz if yes THEN YA IM THE FUCKING MLG TRICK SHOT KING OF THAT SHIT. 33. What is your definition of cheating? 
Summoning help in dark souls 34. Have you ever cheated on someone? 
Nope 35. Do you regret anything? 
Who the hell doesn't? Regret is a natural and essential piece of the human condition. It's horrible, but it teaches us how to live. 36. Do you have any phobias? Tight spaces high spaces suffocating in spaces (pluralized by virtue of multiverse theory) standing in line waiting to talk getting cut off cutting someone off cutting myself my memes not being fresh enough you know normal people stuff 37. Ever broken any bones? Sadly, no😔 38. Ever come close to death? 
I mean I almost killed myself several time soooo... (guys before you ask I'm ok now don't worry I'm just figuring my shit out😂😂) 39. What is your religion, if any? 
I worship at the holy grail of Cthulhu ahem check your privilege 40. Have you ever been to a psychiatrist/therapist? 
Yes. I had a crush on her. Refer to question #27 41. Are looks important in a relationship? 
They aren't the most important thing but yes I like being sexually attracted to people I'll potentially fuck exclusively for the rest of my life 42. Are you more like your mom or your dad? 
I refuse to identify commonalities 43. What is your favorite season? 
Springs, or fall. I don't pay attention but I live in Arizona so whatever time my balls aren't stuck to my pants🤗 44. Do you have any tattoos? 
No but if I did it would just be "[]" because it's basically "[insert here]" brackets so I could tell people it's for or means or is about anything I want to. 45. Do you have any piercings? 
No. But I have pierced myself IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN😂😂🙌💯 46. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had? 
1? One lasted four days does that count? Cuz then it's 2. God... I need to get laid. OR HAVE AN ADORABLE HUNAM TO CUDDLE AND TALK TO AND DO THE DIRTY WITH AS THE CHERRY ON TOP OF HER CHERRY😂😂😂 oh god I kill myself😂 47. Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character? As MBTI lore would suggest (I'm an enfp btw howdy), my soul belongs to sexy anime babes. 48. Who is your celebrity crush? ... that just made me feel lonely and I don't know why 49. Are you a virgin? 😉 50. Do you get jealous easily? Depends on the situation. I always keep it under wraps though. 51. What is your favorite type of food? 
BUFFALO WINGS!!!! THOSE BETTER EXIST IN THE HEAVEN I DONT BELIEVE IN 52. Do you ever want to get married? 
Hell ya my dude! 53. Who was your first kiss with? 
My first girlfriend. 54. Have you ever been cheated on? 
... 55. What is your idea of the perfect date? 
No idea. Just as long as we connect really well and I have the sense of finding someone who actually makes sense as a person and does that in a way complimentary to who I am. Talk about life I guess. NO HOLY SHIT TALK ABOUT LIFE FUCK YES!!!! 56. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? 
Introverted extrovert😉😉😉 57. Do you believe in aliens or life on other planets? 
I doubt it but I believe in a neighboring universe where Hitler doesn't have a mustache soooo.... 58. What talent do you wish you’d been born with? 
Self esteem 59. What is your saddest memory? 
Hahahaha... no 60. Do you believe in love at first sight? 
no but I do believe in getting your jimmies rustled on first sight😉 61. Do you believe in soul mates? 
I'm a nihilist. I believe in finding someone who fits you well enough that the tear in your soul is mostly ignorable, but not anyone who's made for you 62. Have you ever dyed your hair? 
No 63. Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you? 
So one of the definitions for my name in urban dictionary is "Torin: likes to masturbate with the slimy sea creatures of the sea to get that real pussy feel. Synonymous with 'squids'."... apparently that escalated from fiction to fact very quickly. 64. Would you go against your moral code for money? 
It depends. Ends justify the means. For example: I would stomp several puppies to death in an absolutely brutal fashion in order to save the lives of millions of children starving to death in Africa. 65. What are three things most people don’t know about you? 
I've struggled with depression since 8th grade. I'm fairly certain their are missing pieces of my personality, which would explain why there's a different version of me for every person and why I forget who I am after just like 2 days of being alone. I don't cry a lot but it's not for healthy reasons. 66. Who are you jealous of?
Basically everyone 67. Do you sleep with a stuffed toy? 
NO BUT NOW I WANT TO I JUST GOT ALL WARM AND FUZZY FEELING 68. How long was your longest relationship? 
About six months 69. Is the glass half empty or half full? 
It's in the eye of the beholder. It doesn't really matter which one it is though, it only matters what you do with what's left. 70. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you? 
😳 I'll wait to tell you until the third date😉 71. Who are your closest friends?
Currently a college friend who's out of state. I tend not to stay particularly close to people for too long tho... ok well shit now I'm sad 72. Are you in a relationship? 
Nope 73. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her? 
I don't even have a joke wow fuck I'm lonely 74. Are you a bad person? 
STOP MAKING ME THINK ABOUT THIS SHIT IF I DO AND I DECIDE IM NOT I WILL SLIP INTO A SEVERE DEPRESSION that sounded funny in my head holy shit no it was not 75. Are you a lover or a fighter? 
I fight for love💁 76. What did you do on your last birthday? 
Some stuff my mother wouldn't be proud of 77. What is your favorite quote and why? 
“Quitting smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I've done it a thousand times." -Mark Twain. It illustrates some things I'm not in the mindset to process 78. If your best friend died, what would you do? 
NUUUUUUUUUU FUCKIN STAAAAHHHHHPPP I WILL CRY 5EVR 79. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, what would it be? 
Beat my bitch ass (holy shit I need to process stuff stop asking me these questions I thought I had a healthy-ish self esteem but clearly not #sendhalp) 80. If you only had 24 hours to live, what would you do? 
I have ADHD, so probably process everything at once and feel to panicked to do anything. That or the stimulation would be enough that I'd do everything and anything I wanted with no inhibitions. 81. What is the strangest dream you’ve ever had? 
One time I sucked on this hot chicks nipples and not only did it taste nasty but the nipple grew and stabbed my fucking throat OMG I DEEPTHROATED A NIPPLE THAT JUST CLICKED WTF 82. Are you happier single or in a relationship? 
In a relationship, if it's with the right person. 83. Who were you in a past life? 
Mark Twain Bitch! 84. What is your happiest childhood memory? 
I have no idea. None of them exist in a vacuum. They only matter in context of everything else. 85. Have you ever experienced unrequited love? 
The majority of my life since my first boner yes. 86. Have you ever had an imaginary friend? 
Oh I had like fucking 10 but they were all tv show characters except for one and I didn't like him that much. 87. If you were the president, what would you do? 
I would gather as much information as possible about the most important matters and work down from there. 88. What is your ideal career? 
Rn, comedian 89. What is your political affiliation? INDEPENDENT BITCH! 90. Are you conservative or liberal? 
I'm left leaning. I identify more with liberal values but both are important in order to balance eachother out (that's why our political atmosphere is so volatile. Used to be we'd have a democrat then a republican and they'd switch every year, but congress would have the opposite orientation as the president. Now we have a switching one party system every year.) 91. Is the male or female body closest to perfection? 
FUCKING WOMEN ARE YOU KIDDING ME WOMEN ARE HOURGLASSES MEN ARE LIKE UPSIDE DOWN TRIANGLES WITH LEGS AND A LITTLE DONGLE HOW IS THIS A QUESTION??!?!! 92. Do you like kissing in public? 
No. I'm constantly aware of everything going on around me so I need some privacy. 93. If you could change one thing in the world, what would you change? 
humans can choose super powers (I'm keeping this one from the last guy's answers fucking savage dude) 94. Where would you like to live? 
NEW YORK CITY 95. Where would you go on your dream vacation? 
NEW YORK CITY EXCEPT I STAY THERE 96. Describe yourself in one word. 
eclectic 97. Describe yourself in one sentence. 
LISTEN TO GREENDAY "walking contradiction" AND ANY SIMILAR SONG!!

[somedaypast-thesunset]

the thing is .... there is already a distance between us right now which one of us needs to cross in order to meet the other and it has nothing to do with the compromises of what he believes is going on.

the distance is 100% his mental health as well as his maturity. he tried to tell me today that i think im “enlightened” but i am not at all. i’m like really far from enlightened because if i were at all enlightened i would not even struggle as hard as i do on a personal level. what i think i am is several times more mature and 70% of the instances where ive brought up a valid point has been shit on by immaturity. its not just waiting for someone ‘to get better’. its waiting for someone to grow up.

like when i first met him i was really really against polygamy. he wanted to have multiple partners and he sold this as it owuld be a family unit and everyone would live together etc. but he never once presented polygamy as its known to be in sociological terms. to him its on “his terms”. like he can just go out and meet someone and bring them into his family and have the other people just learn to adapt with this new person he wants to have. like we all just live in his world. 

this is not even true polygamy of a like equal mutual respect. like maybe its not for me. i’m lke pretty sure its not for me but i’m not totally sure. as i spend more and more years alone, the idea of having multiple people love you very deeply is attractive but im not sure i want to enter that life. i can barely get one person to love me very deeply enough to spend their life with me. i dont know if i would hold out for two who not only loved me but loved each other as well. 

the thing is though i have like really cloe relationships with everyone. almost all of them are “relationships” without sex. they all bond very close to me, we spend enormous amounts of time together, we depend on one another, we buy each other things, we invite each other into our extended families - like we become so much of each others lives that its almost hard to maintain another relationship seperately without if affecting ours. 

so i cant say that i dont see how this doesnt work. i can see that and i can see myself perhaps coming to this crossroads where maybe i honestly decide i will never ever have children not even by accident and keeping it but i still have this matronly feelings where i want to care and perhaps that care would go towards these other partners. 

thats how i can see it happening. do i think it WILL happen? its kind of unlikely. like 70% unlikely. but fuck man - what if i like, dont date at all? what if i just like hermit myself and hang out in my room and two, three years goes by and for whatever reason it comes up and i just like gave up on normality of life and this is it now. i dont know. right now i honeslty could not tell you if in five years i will be married or sucking dick to smoke weed. i cant even tell you that. 

but i have all of the power of the decision for that. i dont know what ill do but i have the power to decide. no one but me. like i already had a shitty family. and i dont have to accept another one. if i invest my time and love into this family ill only be shit on and dragged along. 

and listen. if youre going to make me apart of your family - if i have no choice because you refuse to let your love for me go then at some point you have to break the toxic cycle of abuse an hurt in a family line. nd for the sake of everyone before him and him and everyone after - the morally right decision is to stop it. its not right to be a third generation alcoholic. its not right to pass on molestation. it is not right to be so disrespectful and manipulative while knowing what youre saying is just bullshit. its just fanatastical bullshit. im sorry that some girl broke your heart so badly that youll never get over her to a point youre willing to pass on that same hurt to everone else you encounter. and then ask me to essentiallly do the same thing. i will be the one responsible member of your fucking family and stop this cycle. or atleast im not going to be apart of it. im not going to take my place in it. 

because my god i am so much better than this. i am bigger than this. i am more selfless and empathetic than this. and you know what? IVE DONE THE MOST AND GOTTEN NOTHING MORE THAN ONCE IN MY LIFE. and im NOT GIVING UP WHO I AM BECAUSE OF PIECES OF SHIT LIKE THIS. 

what i really hate the most about all of this is that it becomes so convoluted in the moment that later on i focus on these really stupid insiginifcant things that trap me in a mindset that any of it matters. 

like right now i’m thinking about the absolute contradiction and hypocrisy he absolutely refuses to address no matter how you approach it. in one breath he says he will have other people he will have other wives he will have a farm and in the next he says he doesnt know what he wants where he will be how he will end up and hes not disappointing me. he wont even see how at this point i dont even have the opportunity to be “a” wife. you cannot whole heartedly tell me a future plan but then tell me you have no future plans. you absolutely do. 

so what happens when he goes away? it takes him less than week on holiday to contact the next bitch consistently so in which way is it working on himself to be exposed to romantic situations you just left because it was all too much. 

i am actually actively working on being a better person even right now. like i want to do a lot of shitty things. i am and have been looking forward to the moment i can actively ignore his calls and messages. which is terrible. thats actually a really shitty thought to have even if the person “deserves” it. its not even like a deserving it retribution thing it should be that i just dont talk to him because i dont want to. not because i get a kick out of ignoring him. i dont want to steal the weed ill likely get from him but the chances of it happening seem higher than they should right now. and i dont want to feel okay about it.

i told him it was wrong to offer to be a credit card for weed while telling me that i needed to support myself.  there was no benefit for him to get me weed and leave and i understand being nice but why put me 400$ in debt before you leave while simultaneously telling me that i shouldve been paying for myself. 

he said it was “different”. i was “doing something for myself now”. as in these shows i started doing to have the money to  move with him but now i cant so i just have money i dont care about and spend on weed because i cant mesh my future goals to the person i wantt o spend my life with. its diferent now despite having always still paid him back but i guess since its not from my benefits its “real money” now. but do you see how im trapped? if i were to take it and not pay him back i’d become just another person who ripped him off. but the thing is i feel i could easily tell him that i care more about my own feelings right now and it makes me feel better to not pay him back. why not? if he can do it? 

he was right though. i afforded myself the ability to be completely cut off from everyone else to think clearly on my own and he doesnt have that. but i did that through trauma and fighting and like a fucking war where i sacrificed damn near everything that meant something to me. and i am thankful and grateful everyday. like i walked into my shitty ass stuffy smelly small ass room and sighed relief. like thank fucking god. thank god i live by myself. thank god i pay for myself. thank god no man is taking money in my name. and in two years without getting what i “wanted” (which was half the easy way out nd half pure love) i didnt just give in or find someone who would give me the easy way out. i strapped on my fucking boots nand trudged the trenches - again. i didnt need to do this. i absolutely in no way needed to do this but i did. 

and i get all the time in the fucking world to think about it. i dont get up for a 9 - 5 and participate in society - i choose how the fuck i want to live and i dont give a fuck if you dont like it because you didnt do what i did to even get here and here is not even fucking luxurious. its not even a real accomplishment to find yourself completely alone. its actually a sign of great stress, great tragedy. 

i told him today my fathers old saying. he would sit on our balcony on the weekends, smoking weed and drinking pepsi and vodka. and these were some of the most beautiful moments and memories i have of my father. honestly. but he would turn to me and say, “i wonder what the poor people are doing.” and id look at him like youre nuts, “we are the poor people, dad.”

but i fucking get it now. i didnt get it back then. i honestly thought my dad was delusional to think this life we lived was anything to gawk at. we lived paycheck to paycheck. we werent like roaches in our place poor but we were extremely tight for money. but this is a man who for 50+ years struggled on the streets and had to build his own life nd his own family and after all of this - after all the drugs and drinking nd partying and women and trauma and abuse and everything in between - he sat on his balcony with his fucking kid smoking his weed drinking his vodka. instead of fighting to live he was just kind of living at that moment. it took him 50 years but he was just living now. and it was better than fighting to live. so it wasnt that he was questioning what literally the “poor” people were doing. they were very much likely doing the same thing. but he didnt have to fight to get that money to get that weed to sit on that balcony and not have a worry. he wasnt worrying about rent. he didnt owrry about food. he was completely utterly content with just not fucking fighting anymore. and the “poor people” were the people poor in soul - those who were still fighting. and sometimes it was said in jest - like he was proud to overcome the struggles and others it was said empathetically like he was reminiscing on those times and really appreciating where he was now. 

and right now i feel i could say “i woner what the poor people are doing”. like my own evaluation on this - i am certainly poor. but my worries are few. ive come to terms for a lot of things.  for me, i’d say this not based in financial cares but that my mental health is not poor. because i fought really hard and sacrificed many things to get this. but i did not shit on other people to do it. i did not take away from other eoples lives and i wasnt a heavy burden. 

and now i have the time to properly look at what the world offers me. i dont have to take things out of desperation because i am not poor in my soul anymore. ive been very poor in the soul before and ive taken things out of desperation - its only been since late last year ive afforded myself moderate “stability”. and i know now the difference between obsessing on something and being focused. i, in fact, spend a lot of time with him as well but im just afforded more time alone. an obsession would carry through and id be thinking about it all the time but i dont. i allow these moments to toore deeply because i am not distracted and i choose not to distract myself with things that dont add to the solution. like im not going to cry and play video games or watch moves or tv shows to “forget about it”. you shouldnt forget about it. you should walk through it and feel it and every lesson it is teaching you. and it really hurts. i dont feel the need to self harm anymore because life honestly hurts enough now. 

he said, “you think youre so enlightened. you need to let go of your ego” i wish i was enlightened. and like the past six months i have been focused on an enligtenment but not to be enlightened. i have no goals of mastering spiritual planes and im not trying to be “beter” than my emotions. i am actually trying to let go of myself to such degrees that i understand the complexeties of emotions and thoughts which i and other people have no control over as human beings. its not me trying to make other people better. no one has to follow my path at all. i feel so assured constantly that what i am finding in my seeking of answers and questions is the right thing. it constantly proves itself to me. i dont need to believe in it anymore - it’s not “faith” or “higher powers”. it’s become nearly a science, as i practice and experiment with putting things out and accepting things in by frequently getting the same results with new thought patterns and concepts. i’m not like “if i think about getting this hard enough it will appear”. its a deeper empathy and understanding of what is happening around me to be able to control my own emotions and thoughts to have a better opportunity to find a sense of my own happiness and not add to the suffering of others. like its really important to me to not add to the suffering but i dont believe either that i have the capacity any longer to help those who are suffering. i am not a guru or spiritual leader, you know? i’m not a real caregiver. not anymore. more so by helping those who are sufferng i make it detrimental to myself which in turn likely adds to the suffering in ways im not seeing outright. 

and my attitude, you know? ive spent much time being severly depressed and i honestly feel maybe constantly a sense of depression so im not like overcome and recovered but it made me extremely negative in ways i can now identify in other people with similar depression issues. and it wasnt that this negativity made it “bad” for anyone else. i wasnt like a wet blanket to a positive experience. it was that my attitude left me wide open to be relatable to other extremely negative people which consistently “proved” how i felt about things to myself. and i would become bonded to extremely negative people that even once i began to see my own negativity, their extreme negativity was keeping me down and forcing me to address things i had already addressed times over with myself. but now i was arguing with a depression wall in someone else and i know what its like to be there and i know its absolutely futile and now i can see why i’m alone. i chose to be depressed. no. no i didnt. i chose to be negative. i didnt choose a depression. a depression is a natural emotion that everyone experiences but i chose to funnel that depression through extreme negativity and pessimisim. aand again because im alreay around people doing the same thing its really like a circle jerk of negativity more so than me personally bringing down someone else. but i chose to be apart of this and i chose to let these people influence my life and my daily thoughts. its not just this relationship - its friends as well. 

you can be depressed but once you become negative, you cant be helped. you have to chose not to be negative not to make yourself change your mind about being depressed. its not “fake it util you make it” its “Fake it to not detriment your recovery”. youre not convincing yourself that things are actually positive. they might actually still be negative. i can walk out my door and 14 shitty things will be there but if i tell someone all 14 shitty things thats the entirety of our fucking conversation and i missed the opportunity to have a real connection deeper than my negativity. 

even right now i decided not to be negative about this seemingly “crazy” act of obsessively focusing on something no one else will care about and being up at 1am typing it all out but i deserve this. i deserve a space with no fucking time limit, no interruptions, no profit on it - i deserve all the hours in the world to express myself because i fucking can. i cant say if anyone in the entire world “deserves” to have another person sit and listen to them ramble endlessly for several hours. but everyone deserves the space to do it even if no one is listening. even if its not an expert with a pad and paper compartmentalizing all your issues. 

its not that i want to be happy, i want to practice being less negative. not even like “be positive”. i would rather say nothing at all than spew negativity. i dont have to be positive but i dont have to be negative either. and this alone will open things up to me and people up to me tht i wasnt able to relate to before because theyre smart enough to stay away from such draining people. which only creates an even better influence in my life. 

i want music back in my life. i lack something when i chose a partner who doesnt have a musical talent of some kind. even if its like a deep love of music itself and they dont play an instrument. but a deep love. i want to dance in the living room. i want to sing at the top of my lungs. and i want to feel secure in doing this because thats who i actually am. its heartbreaking to spend so much time not being who i fully am. its not like im lieing. im just always holding back. i have capabilities but i dont want to share them because of the negativity around me. and its not just like insecurity - i am insecure but being in an environment of negativity only makes being insecure that much worse. i want to stay up until 4am discussing the hilarity of 80s hair metal and the intricacies of the keybords and organs in psychedelic rock and we spend hours back and forth “this is the best song of all time,” and its actually the best songs of all time and not some soundcloud rapper or pop singer. 

i want to wake up in the morning and the first thing he does is play music so i can sing along. i want him to send me songs throughout the day related to things we randomly talk about. i want him to love my love of music so much that i sing to make us happy. 

i want to be number one. everyone else who came before me have no lingering connection or meaning to them, there is no “great love” before me. there is no “if i had a chance,”. i am the number one pick and they wouldnt see themselves with anyone but me in the grand picture. im not expecting their dick to only work for me but i am expecting that i remain their first and foremost romantic thought. i will never be treated based on how someone else treated them. i will be treated exactly the way i deserve based on my actions towards them. i will not have someone treat me based on how they predict the future will happen for them. if i am faithful and loving and i am adding to our lives, i expect no insecurity, no lack of commitment because “some other girl cheated”. i will not be based on women before me. period. 

i want him to have an accepting loving family or no family at all (as cruel as it may sound). i mean fully outright accepting and loving with great support of him and myself and our choices as a couple. if i cant have that i’d rather him have no family at all than be put through the ringer of another two faced mother in law obliging her son to get his dick wet. his lack of family or choice not to be involved with them wont reflect on how i feel about him at all unless the circumstances are outrageous. 

i want money to be setn as a secondary to the relationship and i know this is a lofty want; i may compromise on it because its really hard not to fin someone who doesnt fear money or lack there of. but i want it to be seen as something our unit needs and our unit works on. i dont want to accept gifts or be paid for excessively - even if its offered. of course its on me to decline to set an example. but i dont want to accept them because it sets this precedence of them doing it out of habit and it is less of a unit “lets split a pizza” and more “im always buying dinner”. i dont want a partner who feels its a deal breaker to _not_ get that pizza because i dont have the money or dont want to spend it. they should be okay with going without a luxury for something less luxurious. the experience of life itself and our life together should be way more meaningful than going out for dinner. 

i want them to cook and clean equally as much as i do. no one is a handmaiden to anyone else. i want them to treat me right during sex - i am flexible and moldable, switchable and aim to please more often than not but i have no desire for it. 28 years old, fucked enough - no desire. i want them to know im here for them, i want them to get off on it and use me for it but know im here for them. not because im trying to get something for myself bu because im giving them something i could do without. 

they wont see our time together as time they “waste”. even if we’re laying in bed watchng netflix - they will love it as they love me. all of our time together is an investment into each other as people we love and adore. 

and its not going to be him. and im sad - clearly. im clearly upset. im upset like anyone would be for a break up and the end of something you wanted. of course, he tells me this isnt a break up - only i would consider it as such and would be making that decision. and that we ultimately dont work because he wants his “wives”. but we ultimately dont work because of all of the above that he doesnt begin to meet. maybe a bit of cooking and cleaning - my exs were terrible but its not good enough nor is it equal. he told me he wouldnt stop by here when he had to come back for a wedding in september because he thought any time we spent together here was not worth it. like just having time together itself isnt worth it. i must be giving something to him for him to care. 

i mean i have to really reflect myself on why i stayed with him and why i loved him. i find it very very very hard to describe or explain for all this time and im not sure if i was just hopeless romantic or if i refused to see things for what they were. do i still love him? why? why do i still love him? like im really thinking hard on it because my default response had alwasy been “hes nice to me”. which he is - hes very very very sweet and no one else has treated me with as much kindness as he has just like as a human being. like no one had ever been so affectionate and sweet. but thats not even enough. 

he told me that if / when ive decided to end this that i had to let him know. it was repeated multiple times that i had to let him know. and as i reflect now - it means nothing overall. ive read into thousands of things in my time and led myself in far off fantasy lands to be broken hearted because of my own stupidity. but i question why i have to let him know. why do i have to let him know? he has left the entire province, cut off accessible communication and plans to carry on fucking other people but i ave to let HIM know when i’m done and moved on? why? will you assume differently if i dont tell you otherwise? like do you think we’re “together” - how do you tell someone who youre not in a relationship with that youve moved on from the relationship you dont have? 

you know, its not about convincing myself about anything. i’ve accepted his departure to a point that i am debating on how i want to handle it. i’m not convincing myself that hes staying or come to a grand epiphany. its not going to be a grand epiphany. its goingto be shit that was sitting in front of him the entire time. it is completely asinine and delusional. it’s not like i’m going to go on a date with someone and suddenly decide fuck him never talk to me again - i will become disinterested in him. and he will know ive become disinterested. i wont even be sly about it, lets be real. so you either ignore what im doing up until the very point its crossed the line anyways and youre just getting a fucking random heads up that ive been seeing this person for weeks now or you realize im disinterested and stop communicating with me because its not my obligation to inform you when im going steady with someone else. why would i tell you i no longer am with you in a relationship i was never in with you? i dont have to actually tell you anything at all. 

and having this knowledge does what? how does it affect things for you? why is it something you need to know? you have no plans for me in your future other than “ill spend my life with you... later”. the plans remain exactly the same whether im fucking someone else or not. so why is it important? 

is it control? how can he control me with this information? if i have already disattached to a point i have to inform him of it, he’s become mostly powerless and this is simply knowledge for himself. 

its endearing. he does these endearing little things that make me feel different ways about things and i actually believe him at a face value but my _gut_ tells me something different. its not like im delusionally believing hes going to change his mind and we live happily ever after. from my own experience of him it coul take literally years for him to change his mind about even one part of it - my brain knows this. my gut is saying wow theres so many red flags here pointing towards this being a delusion hes carrying. 

like he is more in love with me than i be with him. he is constantly looking at me just to look at me, is constantly concerned with my well being and will immediately jump to help me if i need it. he has repeated several times that he is completely invested in me as someone in his life and he cannot stand to see me suffer or go without because he only feels good if i’m happy. im contantly asked, “are you a happy girl?” when hes able to buy me food and give me weed and seemingly present all the things i wanted. he calls me everyday, sometimes multiple times a day and then almost assumes outright i will come to his house which mkes me feel weird when theres days where i think maybe i could stay home but i feel wanted and its nice. he tells me that no one has ever treated him as good as i have, that i am constantly on his mind. and yes this comes with his moderate infidelities of which he obvious set up to not be infidelities. ive told him over and over again that when he slept with someone else, we’d “see what would happen” but the implication was that i’d likely no longer be with him and for two years, despite it being there, he chose not to. i dint make him do that. i didnt say like ill destroy you if you sleep with someone else. i just told him wht i would be doing with my own actions based on his actions. and it would be to stop being with him. 

my gut tells me there is both an honesty and dishonesty here. i believe he thinks he is being honest with himself when he says he is making a tough decision to better life for both of us. (of course, of course “what about the multiple wives”) i believe, in his mind, that the only thing that changes between us is the routine. he is not well enough to give security for anything about the future. he is grasping for straws and cannot see any light for all the shit piled on to him. to me, my gut - and my god could i ever be wrong. and ive never been so open and honest about the potential of me having egg on my face. honestly i could be so fucking wrong and it could go so opposite. i dont know. this is just my gut. my gut tells me that hving so much piled on without ever dealing or  making even an effort to see the light has left him in antiquated views - he is not actually anyone right now. he is not himself. he is an amalgamation of all the experiences he had up until now and his current life no longer reflects these ideals he once held in his early 20s but much rides on his ideals. like his whole ego and character rides on these ideals. so he is doing what he has known, what has been built for him by all these other things out of routine and straight out not knowing what the fuck else to do. hes not going to be a pleb but hes not going to live this fantastical life he thought he might at 21. 

i honestly dont believe the mulitple wives thing is the issue between us. there are several severalllll things he has said that really points towards having much deeper commitment issues and insecurities that were never addressed because he has to keep up with this character. it would be just as crazy to say, “im going away to try and rid myself of my multiple wives ideals” 

he said to me, “ive thought about bringing you with me - ive thought about it and was like wel what the fuck will she do once she gets there”, implying i hve no relative work skills to find a job. 

it shouldnt be that. it should be “i thought aout bringing you with me but multiple wives”.  every single thng should come down to “but multiple wives”. all of it. doesnt matter if i have a job or not. what im doing. doesnt matter. mulitple wives.

but here we are. “its not a break up, your only seeing it that way from your perspective and youre welcome to but thats your decision not mine”

“i’m going to spend the rest of my life with you. i have already committed myself to you. whether you are with me or not, i want you to be happy. i want to be with you, this doesnt change.” 

“i need the support. if i were in the military and went away for five months what would you do?”

BUT. MULTIPLE. WIVES. i realize now i am the logical one here. that i am logically chronically bringing up the fact that this brings an end to our relationship because it cannot continue the way it is long distance. and he is the one unwilling to actually let it go. i am almost asking to break up and to have him set a scenario where neither of us have to feel really shitty about it and he will not accept the break up as is. 

but multiple wives?

if i were 24... id put on the blinders. like im trying to tell myself in some way i wouldnt but i absolutely would. i’d be like fuck it im with you lets fucking hash out these however fucking many months cuz im gonna prove my fucking love to you. and id be like a hopeless romantic, completely fucking dedicated with hearts in my eyes like this was all going to work out amazing. 

but im 28 and not naive anymore so im at this crossroads where im being asked to do that but im world wear enough to know that u dont make any promises to someone who cant make them to you. 

but didnt he? through every single fight he has not once told me to leave. he has never told me he doesnt love me. ive literally only been told hes committed to me but because he has contradicted it through other statements and actions ive struggled and i was right to struggle. it would be a struggle. i am the one who brings up the potential of him meeting someone else and like every other possibility i bring up - he agrees it could happen. but i dont think it was necessarily his first thought. 

he said, “i’m not going to communicate with you every two hours like your friend expects her boyfriend to”. i exaggerated it to days and weeks, but we dont speak every two hours now. nor did we when he went away on holidays. when he went away on holidays he rarely was involved in my daily happenings. it is being a military wife but without the fucking pride of your partner saving lives. its like well today he would rather play video games for several hours and jack off than have a decent conversation with me. 

of course - i’m literally putting this on him quite like how he puts it on me tht i would be a bum if i went with him. we become so hurt in these moments that i definitely begin to passive aggressively jab at him which causes him to become defensive. our fights dont start the way they end but theyre stil about the same topic. 

as an experiment, i sort of want to lie to him .. multiple times. like take advantage of this scenario where the chances of breaking their trust is pretty high but the chances of it not working out anyways are probably higher so i could just like.. life experiment. no one will die. i will be a shittier person for it. someone will know im a shitty person. and ill have to live with it. i will have probably deeply hurt them in a way that affects how they act with others later. of course if they find out that is which .. terrible. very terrible. i know right and wrong. 

but id first like to lie about having a job. this would be something id do casually. i wouldnt make ike a huge elaborate lie with characters involved and like storylines of my great success. i would simply say i got a job. and if he asked me about it i would tell him i dont want to talk about it. not because its illicit or anthing, but because its undefining to me. it means nothing and changes absolutely nothing at all. i will seemingly be less available. i will seemingly have “more money”. i would like to see what the response is and the ongoing reaction to it. would he not care at all or would he keep trying to ask me about it? would it change his opinion of me? would i be treated differently? although this is a shitty lie its not that i’m trying to trick him; i would always work to be with him if i were with him. but im not so i dont. sorry not sorry. my benefits affect you not at all and i have a place to live and food to eat so chill?  i just want to know what would change. i wantt o know maybe is it worth it to actually have a job because his attitude changes in such a way that it seems like im stable or secure. if he questioned why it came now  when he was gone... i dont know. i had other opportunities. i dont want to talk about it, it doesnt reflect anything on your life now. 

id then like to lie about seeing other people. play through that scenario. tell him, whether i did or not, that i had been seeing someone for the past few weeks and we’re together now. he’d likely tell me he was happy for me and keep whatever disappointment to himself. id like to, if i had the balls, really lay into it. “i’m not your girl anymore. i’m not your property. i’m just not yours anymore and i’m not going to be shared.” because thats what it is. thats really what it is. i coul sugar coat it, “ive been seeing someone else” but it translates to the fact im not yours anymore. 

of course it’d all be such cruel irony that it comes to be that hes not wht he thought he was and im actually way worse than i thought i was and showed my own ass. i also want to not pay him back the money i currently owe him and whatever i may owe him in the future if he buys me more weed. who knows if he actually will right now. i think if he still does its a sign that i shoulnt be a piece of shit and lie or steal because its a commitment and dedication even with this frustration right now. 

i want to act as though he has already left before he leaves. i dont really want to see him before he leaves. this is my selfish act, i suppose. if youre gone, youre gone. i dont want to play house for three days and smile and wave as you drive away. thats not who i am and i deserve different.  it doesnt correlate with his vision that we’re still together very much but im just so upset and frustrated. and if im not being negatie and i dont have to be positive i want to be nothing at all in his life right now. neither negative or positive. im not going to support you the way you want on this so im not going to be there for it and make it harder on you. 

im actually pretty stoked not to see his mother anymore. honestly. shes very two faced to me now and ive lost any respect i had left for her. ive found it hard to treat her nicely and she is a reminder of a part of society that im not a fan of and wont be involved with. not only has he been detrimental, but she has been as well - telling me to my face outright that i had no friends outside of her son when i had a dozen more i saw regularly. thats not support or care or lifting someone up in any way. this is belittle and degrading them until they “break” and “come to your side”. i really appreciated that she was willing to “take me in” for what its worth but it was never anything that wouldve catapulted me to any where from where i am. but they felt they had given sooo much help to me nd that it all should be life changing because i have dinner with them. 

i am not even anxious or sad about the time im about to spend alone. and its going to be alot of time. im going to be too bitter for the first bit to be proactive in much of anything and i will take the time to be bitter. but ive learned to fill my days and as he fades more into the distance i think i will itch for something - anything - to look for in my future and ill make something for myself.