#i am Very Tired and a bit overwhelemed

[soymikki]

Are you going to upload the rest of the Reigen pregnancy comic soon? (asking nicely because I like it :))

I am gonna be honest i have not worked on like, any creative projects for the last month bc of personal things

I'm glad you like it! I just do not know if/when I will make the last part

[batwynn]

Suicide Bones

Sterek drabble about being overwhelemed to the point of breaking, and the ‘Maybe We Can Make It Out.’ 

Trigger warnings: Suicidal thoughts/ actions, depression, anxiety, ADHD/ADD, death, body horror.  His mother sometimes said he was a the wrong size skeleton inside his flesh suit, to which his father warned that ‘this is going to shape his sense of humor in weird ways.’ He was right, obviously, but so was she. 

Stiles never fits in his skin. 

He‘a too long, too weird, too wild. He jumps from too high, digs in the dirt, sings too loudly, and knows entirely too much about everything before he was ten years old. Sometimes, late at night when his brain refuses to shut up, he bends his knees as far as he can just to watch his skin stretch over his bones. Sometimes he wants it to rip open, so he could be free. To be fully himself, and not feel smothered all the time. But it doesn’t, and he goes back to listing the elements of the periodic table until he falls asleep.

It isn’t until his mom is buried deep in the dirt he used to play in that he realizes there is one sure-fire way he can escape the flesh. One absolute in life that could solve all his misfit problems. The only issue is that he has people that need him to stay. They need his bones encased in skin and muscle, tendons and fat. They need his bad singing voice, and his endless curiosity. It keeps his dad going, it keeps Scott safe, it keeps his teachers happy, it makes the barista smile, it keeps his neighbor’s garden watered. 

So grit your teeth and stay, Stiles. Ignore the growing pains and all the wrong, wrong, wrong. 

He throws himself into helping. He pushes his face right into the snarling, rabid face of death and smirks. Stiles fights his instincts every day, to force that stupid fight or flight to land firmly on fight every time. Every time. He can’t back down, he can’t stop. He has to help. That’s his purpose. That’s who he is: Ill-fitted bones and sarcastic remarks. But, god, he will fucking help you. 

He will, and he does. 

He thinks he does? 

“I don’t need your help, Stiles!” 

“I think you do, wolf-boy,” he sneers, flicking the map stretched across the table in front of them. Derek outright snarls, which means he’s either about to give in or throw Stiles out on his ass. 

“I know you have some sort of issue with your self-worth,” Derek begins, voice not at all soft. 

Stiles narrows his eyes, daring him to continue. “It’s funny how this didn’t come up when you needed me to use mountain ash.” 

 “Because that’s when you were useful!” 

Stiles rolls his eyes back as well as his head. The ceiling is dark and stained with old factory grease. He wonders, for a brief second, why Derek resides in these kinds of places. They’re like prisons, where he’s guarding himself. 

“I can help you find Erica and Boyd,” he says at last, drawing his attention back to Derek. “I know this town better than anyone.” 

Derek‘s voice grows quiet, “my family founded this town.” 

“And a lot has changed since then. I know it how it is now.” 

Whatever fight was in him seems to fade to the usual rumbling discontent that’s always present as Derek looks over the map again. See, this is why Stiles volunteered to help him find them. He doesn’t even like Isaac, Erica went mean, Boyd barely acknowledged him, and he and Derek have a very low tolerance for one another. But right now, Derek’s stupidly pretty eyes are looking at buildings he doesn’t know and new streets, and showing how hopeless he’s really feeling. Derek doesn’t think they’ll find them. 

“Okay,” Derek says at last.  In his heart, Stiles believes they will. That’s why he’s here. That’s why he’s helping. His bones, though. They already ache with the loss. 

Stiles scrunches up his nose, and points to a potential area on the map. He’s ignoring his bones, for now. 

“Okay.” 

*

It’s not when Scott hurts him—not the first time, no, but the worst time—that he realizes things have changed. It’s not when Derek-STUPID–Hale has another plan fall through that would have worked if he had just listened to Stiles. It’s not when some other creature is riding his bones and damaging him and everyone around him for fun. No, it’s not even when an awful lot of his friends die. It’s much later, when they save that stupid stump, save Scott, save the town, save everyone they can. It’s not until Derek leaves and comes back all soft-looking, and god his anger issues weren’t as hot as he thought because that fucking sweater—

It’s then that he realizes that everyone has grown up from needing him. Scott’s doing his own thing now, and hasn’t called for Stiles to go over his homework or love letter or help deal with a monster in months. His dad has been dating, actually dating, and isn’t home as often as he used to be. He doesn’t call up to check on Stiles twice a day, or demand Stiles give him an idea of his whereabouts as often as he used to. His teachers—well, they (mostly) know he’ll be fine in college. He went through hell and still got A’s. The neighbor moved during the first wave of wolfy-like problems. That barista, well, she was killed two years ago. One of the ones they couldn’t save. 

And Derek? He’s so much better. Really, he’s better. He went out and healed, and now he’s building something for himself in the town his family founded and died in like it’s just fine and normal and—

Stiles stretches, feels his scars ache. His bones pop and protest inside him. Soon now. Soon, he promises them. 

Because no one needs him anymore, and he’s built up a value based on that need. Now it’s all useless facts at one am and tired—so tired—promises to himself to find a vocation where all that he is will be applicable. Where he can weather the aches and misshapen bones because it will be worth it, again. But there’s nothing. College seems pointless, busy work and knowledge he’s already long since devoured. A job—where? He’s such a mess he doesn’t trust himself to cook at home anymore, never mind providing food or service to other people. Will he break down and cry at the first rude customer? Will he hallucinate his way through a shift at Home Depot? When will they notice? When will they see that he’s a skeleton of what he used to be? 

When will they see he isn’t a person anymore? 

Soon, he mutters to his bones. Soon.

*

“Have you talked to anyone?” Is the first thing he says when he finds Stiles sitting on the stump with a bottle of whiskey stolen from his dad’s dusty liquor cabinet. 

Derek, looking settled and grounded in ways Stiles hasn’t seen since he was nine or ten years old. Those few times he ran into the younger Hales in town before most of them died. Derek, his eyes actually honest on the first try instead of the second, third, or fourth.  

Honestly worried. 

“Talk to who?” Stiles slurs, cracking an easy smile that sends pain all the way through him. 

“Someone,” Derek replies as he sits down next to him. “Anyone.” 

“Why should I? Why?” 

Derek stares at him without answering. Stiles wants to push his face closer, jut his jaw out and fight. 

“Why, Derek?” He challenges, not looking away. 

“Because... it helped me,” he says, sounding sure and steady. “Because I was just pushing myself through whatever shitty thing happened next and never looking back unless I needed the anger to fuel me.” 

Stiles lets out a shaky breath and looks away. He can’t say anything now, not like that. 

“It’s not easy, either,” Derek continues, calmer than Stiles has ever heard him. “I clammed up a lot; lashed out even more. I hated everything and everyone more and more until I wanted to kill random strangers I saw on the street with no provocation.” 

Stiles raises a brow to himself, because yeah, that’s a bit different than the Derek who kind of died to save everyone more than a few times. But maybe not so different than how he’s feeling right now. Derek lets out a huff of a laugh, and Stiles feels something hard and bitter inside him start to melt. Just a little. 

“More than that, though, I just wanted to die. I wanted god or whoever to kill me already, and stop pushing me to do it myself. Put the blood on their hands for once, not mine.” 

Stiles pulls his lower lip between his teeth and bites down. He’s not going to talk. He won’t. 

“But it never happened. And stupid shit keeps happening, but...” Derek trails off for a moment, “But I can handle it a little better now. I can drop my mom’s favorite cup and it sucks—it still sucks—but it’s not the last straw anymore. It doesn’t make me want to claw my throat out, or scream until I lose my voice.” 

Stiles hiccups quietly and tries to cover it up by taking a swig from the bottle. He refuses to look at the asshole opening up next to him. He can’t do this, he’s too tired. He can’t open up again and spend the time, and effort, and love it takes to matter to someone and be dropped like he’s nothing. Not again. Please, not again. 

“I’m not telling you this because I think we’re exactly the same,” Derek continues, sounding less solid and more sad now. “I know we’ve lived different lives and lost in different ways. It’s going to be different no matter what, I’ve found out.” 

“Why?” Stiles croaks out. 

“You know why.” 

Stiles glares into the surrounding trees and hates himself a little bit more for rising to the bait. Of course he fucking knows why, but it doesn’t matter. 

“It doesn’t matter,” he mutters out loud. “None of it does.” 

“Why not?” Derek asks quietly. 

Stiles gestures broadly to their surroundings, to the giant stump they’re sitting on, to himself. He can’t find the words, really, to sum up everything that’s led him here. There’s too much bad, and not enough good. Too much bad, too fast and too often. Too much everything. 

“That’s not an answer,” Derek says, and Stiles finally turns to glare at him. 

“Not everything is so fucking literal,” he snaps. 

Derek shrugs it off. “Sometimes it is.” 

“Then tell me what makes it worth it, okay? Tell me why dropping my mom’s favorite cup after most of her stuff got destroyed is shitty, but it’s fine,” he spits, his insides burning. “I should just be fine about all this shit and smile through it.” 

Derek shakes his head, and says, “That’s not what I’m saying at all.” 

“Then what?” 

“You don’t have to smile, Stiles. You don’t have to be fine. You can be upset and hurting, or angry... I’m still angry, you know?” Derek smiles ruefully and looks away again. “but I needed to talk about it all to realize what was external and what was internal. I didn’t even think about what I could fix versus what I couldn’t. I didn’t know there even was stuff I could fix.” 

Stiles keeps glaring, but that hard part of him is melting out his eyes and nose now. He hates that. He hates crying because it doesn’t do anything for him. It never did any good. 

Derek doesn’t seem to mind that he’s dribbling all over himself now, or that he’s still not opening up. Stiles doesn’t know what that means, or what he’s supposed to do now. 

“Find a therapist,” Derek says, turning back to him with a soft smile. “And remember not to feel guilty for unloading on them. They’re being paid for that.”

  “I d-don’t know if I can afford that,” Stiles chokes out, half laughing, half crying. What a fucking mess. 

“I could cover it?” Derek offers tentatively, almost as if he knows Stiles will refuse. 

But. 

But maybe he won’t. Not this time. Not when he’s this close to cutting his awkward, aching bones out to be free. 

“O-okay,” he sniffles, wiping his nose on the end of his sleeve. “I’m t-tired, though.” 

“Yeah,” Derek says, and reaches a hand out. Stiles takes it. He doesn’t know what else to do. “Yeah, I know. Put some of that weight on someone else for a little while. See if it helps.” 

Stiles looks at their hands, linked there between them like that’s normal and fine. “What if it doesn’t?” 

“Then we come back here and brainstorm some more.” 

Stiles watches at Derek’s thumb brushes over his hand. It should probably be huge, but for now it’s just fine. “Y-yeah?” 

“It’s what we’re good at,” Derek replies. He smiles at him. “Okay?” 

Stiles hesitates. His bones say he won’t make it. They’ll end up here again, messier and more misshaped. But he’s tired and someone is finally noticing. Someone is looking and seeing that he’s being crushed under  the weight of everything. His heart, though. His heart says maybe. Maybe. Maybe. 

“Okay,” he says. “Okay.” *

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Call: 1-800-273-8255

Or  Text HELLO to 741741 for the crisis text line. 

[someone-always-cares]

[image description: a q&a for the webcomic someone always cares. full desc under the cut because its long and wordy sorry]

post chapter 3 Q&A

first - previous - next

thanks for yalls questions!! it was fun to answer! if anyone still has questions feel free to ask whenever i am always 100% down to ramble. even if i did go slightly off topic in some answers

additional: went off topic with the hair question a bit. their bright hair is all part of the transformations. regular hair dye does exist though. best way to tell is that if the eyebrow matches the hair its probably not dyed. also, quartz’s hair is naturally ginger.

also for more on ages, check out the character bios here

also was gonna keep this in the tags but thought i might as well actually try to answer it: the question i found it hardest to answer was someone the song one. my taste in music is. a mess really. ive been listening to like the same 5 songs on repeat all day. more under the cut because i was rambling again and now its uhhh half 1am

if it helps at the time of answering that specific question i had home by cavetown on repeat, and that song reminds me of both rami and lewis. but that may be because i project onto those two a lot, and as a aro trans dude. who sucks with people skills, yeah of course i love that song.

specifically the vibes of like not knowing how to communicate (rami is fine with his friends but other people are different), the lines “ Turn off your porcelain face, I can't really think right now and this place, Has too many colors, enough to drive all of us insane” idk what the porcelain face line is supposed to mean but im picturing it as like. a mask. that you need to take off and stop hiding and rami does tend to hide when hes feeling upset, and the next two lines kinda could tie into that, like the feeling of when youre overwhelemed and just want the world to stop so you just hide somewhere. also the colours could go with chapter 3 with the chromatic abberation.

also the bit with “ my eyes went dark, I don't know where, my pupils are, But I'll figure out a way to get us out of here” just kinda sums up ramis whole hero thing with his powers and all. anyway this has turned into less what songs rami would like and why this particular song reminds me of him and lewis (lewis specifically has the hair cutting/chest hiding, [big transmasc mood], and also messy haired trainwreck who doesnt know who he is yet. also the ghosts bit)

i did end up picking upbeat songs because ramis a dude who like to try and be upbeat even if things arent. even if hes not really feeling it he will pretend to.

[full description: Anonymous said to someone-always-cares: “hi ily!!! do characters like quartz who have colored hair have that naturally or did they dye it?”

“its both natural and not! while most supers can do a magical girl ish transformation, including a change in hair colour, there are some exceptions.”

theres two small full body drawings of rami, one in civilian clothes, one fully transformed.

“if a superhero were to have a biological child, the child will inherit the powers of the parent(s). however, the child will not inherit the full transfromation. they do inherit any physical transformations, but not the outfit.”

theres a drawing of a woman in blue, quartz’s mother, fully transformed, holding her mask in her hand, smiling down at a much younger quartz as a child. hes smiling back up at her with the same blue eyes, pointy ears, and blue hair, but hes still in normal clothes.

“in the case of quartz, both of hisparents had superpowers, and he inherited those powers and the physical transformations.he can also pick and mix whatphysical traits to change.“

next is a headshot of adult quartz, his face split down the middle with one side having hair and eye like his mother, the other like his father. theres a list of traits from each parents, blue hair and eyes and pointy ears from his mum, and purple hair and eyes and pointy teeth from their dad.

 “Anonymous said to someone-always-cares:  Are all the characters the same age? If not, how old are they? Are they irl friends or just superhero friends?”

theres some headshots of rami and his team lined up with ages labelled: cam is 15, rami himself is 17, lin, mateo, and dante, are all 18, and cap is 20.

“rami and xandra were somewhat friends before she got superpowers, so when, after the incident with her old team, she found rami had developed powers, xandra stuck close to him. their other teamates started off as superhero friends but soon turned into irl friends too”

theres a headshot of lewis and jade. theyre both 17

“when lewis first decided to start being a vigilante,jade quickly found him and decided to help train himand offered to be a mentor of sorts, as they both have similar powers. that quickly derailed.”

“ cinder5555 said to someone-always-cares: How long does it usually take to make a comic page? I'm curious because they're so freaking good that they must take FOREVER”

theres a drawing of myself, a fluffy hair tired bastard in a hoodie, smiling

“Thanks! Ive been doing this shit since like 2017 and i still have no idea how long it takes me. i can get a page done in a day if i have nothing else to do or if its a simple page, but if i have work then maybe 2-3 days? i spend like, most of my free time doing this.“

another drawing of me, now looking frustrated muttering “how the FUCK does time work”

“but i can never do it all on one sitting.i will inevitably get distracted and zone out daydreaming mid drawing so its very hard to get an accurate read on how long it takes. so however long a piece of string is i guess“

the only qustion not from tumblr is a discord message from RuneStone Cabin:

“Q: Can you talk about the incidence of superpowers in this world? Like many people are supers, which powers are more or less common, how long they've been a thing for, stuff like that. Also does Omen know I'd die for them “

theres a drawing of omen pointing at a date circled on a calender marked “decembuary”, theyre saying “i know. i already wrote your death in my calender.”

then a giant wall of text reading: “Supers have only existed for a relativly short time, since the early 1940s. momento mori was the second person to have ever gained powers.

Only a small number of the population are supers! the chances are higher in more populated cities, but unusally london has oneof the higher percentages of supers. while nobody in universe has any idea of the origins of superpowers, it does seem that powers are more likely to occur in people who would actually use their powers.

as for what powers are most common, after making a badly catagorized spreadsheet of every superpowered character ive made for this world (70% of which will probably never even be seen), turns out that elemental powers are the most common. although not all elemental powers manifest as the straight up 'controling this element' as seen in characters like lin or tsunami. for example, iris's powers would fall under shadow elemntal powers, but theyre a lot more weird that just controlling shadows.there are some abilities that have never been seen before,such as ressurection or full on time travel (aka anything that could bring a character back to life), but powers are certainly allowed to toe the line eg healing, powers involving undeath, immortality, pausing or manipulating time.

aside from that, anything goes. you could get plain old superstrength, but you could also get the ability to create dogs with your mind. other not quite rules, more guidelines are that supers are immune to their own powers hurting them (unless they were pushing themselves too hard), although the way the imminuties occur may be inconvinient to the super.

while some powers may be 'more powerful' than others, powers dont really get to be way underpowered or overpowered in comparision to others. sure being able to talk to animals may feel a bit useless compared to someone who can lift 4 tanks at once, but nobodys going to end up with a power like 'can turn into a goose but only once' or 'can grow toenails twice as fast' or 'if i sneeze i can change my hair colour'. at the same time, youre not going to get someone with the power to snap their fingers and level a city, or instantly blow up the moon or whatever.

“Anonymous said to someone-always-cares: I love rami PLEASE tell me his favorite song(s) and why. I will die for you”

a drawing of rami saying out loud “i dont really have any specific favourite song, really? i just listen to whatever sounds catchy and then listen to that on repeat for hours until i hate it. i guess i do like upbeat songs? ones that make you feel happy even if the lyrics are sad”

“ un1c0rnhh said to someone-always-cares: tell me,,, please,, cam,,, are they a cat person or a dog person?? ily"

theres a drawing of cam a metre away from a cat lying down. she has her arm out and is making ‘psspsspss’ noises at it. end id]

FUCK i am so glad i didnt hand write all of that, it would have been a major pain in the ass to write it all and then have to transcribe all that next. but nope i could directly copy paste the asks and word answers. cheers if anyone made it this far down. if anyone wonders why this is uploaded late, you know now.

[pbandjesse]

I am feeling very melancholy today. I just feel super tired and sad inside. I also really just feel like I am not getting enough oxygen. Im not even that congested, but I am uncomfortable. Its not great. 

Today wasnt bad though. I slept fine enough. I had a little trouble falling asleep but not to much. I woke up and wasnt thrilled to be awake but it was fine. James was making us crepes and I was very excited. I love crepes and his are very good. He tried a new thing where he cooked them sort of like french toast and while that was good, it overpowered the filling a little. So I would suggest a different topping but it was still a fun twist. 

I hung out all morning. I didnt do anything exciting. I stretched a little. I changed mu earring to this fun open hoop. But I mostly just laid on the couch. I should have made more effort to do something. I know thats where some of my sads come from. But its hard. 

Eventually James finished all his cooking. And packed us food. Came and laid with me on the couch for a little while. But then it was time for us to go. 

We had our monthly PD at Access Art. And of course we were like the first ones there. And it was a nice day mostly. We had our meetings. As a group, as our own sites. Marcus wasnt there so when we had time to lesson plan with our coteacher I just worked on my own. Which was just fine. 

But I had to have an uncomfortable meeting with Tiffany about some stuff thats happened in our class and why Im feeling overwhelemed and how I can possibly ask for more help. And she was very supportive but I just felt so uncomftable with the idea of confrontation. I just want to not be alone in the class. Thats all. I need to feel backed up. And Marcus is a great coteacher but also he may think I have a better handle on it then I actually do and leaves me with to many kids for to long sometimes to go help in other ways. Which is kind of him but I need the help, the eyes and voice in the room. I hope it turns around a bit more. I am trying my best to hold it together but I cried a little in the meeting because I hate asking for help and I hate conflict but trying so hard to keep those tears in just took it out of me completely. 

So I went to work on my lesson plan but I was so tired. I told James I wanted to leave. But it was still early. So I said let me work for a little and then once I was half way through my lesson I tapped out and we went home. 

It was beautiful out. James wanted to go to the park and at first I was like yes. But by the time we got home I was so upset and exhausted I had to say no. I feel really bad about that. 

I laid down and slept for almost 2 hours. I was just so out of it. I am honestly still super tired and the nap didnt help as much as it took the edge off. 

James made us this roasted chickpea sandwich which was good but kind of hard to eat. I appreciate all of his meals. I appreciate him a lot. 

But I still feel real sad. Im in bed now. Sweetp is trying to sit on my face. James is here. I am ready to fall asleep.

I dropped my silks class for tomorrow. Its just to long of a day when on friday I will have to wake up super early. I am going to go see Jess and apparently I did soemthing silly when ordering my ticket. So instead of getting on the bus at 1045, I will be arriving in NYC at 1045. Because my bus is at 7am. Omg. Im excited to have the extra couple hours with Jess but this was not on purpose. Ah well. 

I hope you all have a good night. Send me those good vibes.  

[itsudemoyoshiwara]

[12/04/2014] A Keen Edged Blade

"I may be a pretty face, but I am a thinker most of the time, not some mindless brute." He teased, stretching a bit as he ran off to the lake. He stepped into the water after stripping of his clothes, and letting the chill sink through him. His body was impressive, considering all his training. As he sat there in the chill, he let his hand dip underwater, red light emanating from his palm as he heated up the water. Now a warm bath was definitely better than a cold one. Although, bathing alone wasn't his favorite thing to do. He'd rather have someone with him, though it seemed Ilta had no interest in him. Still, once he was clean and presentable, and in fresh garments, he went to go meet up with his traveling companion. "Hey Ilta, where are you?" He asked, wondering where in the bandit camp she was. The day was young still. The forests possessed trees large and wide, and there were home to many a beast. The mating call of deer, the chittering of birds and insects, the thud of otther small mammals on the ground, and as of late, the clash of steel. bandits had begun to inhabit the once safe forests surrounding a small forest community. It seemed a stray wolf or two could be handled, even a bear, for they rarely fought in organized bands. However, bandits traveled in groups as large as ten men and women. They were becoming a nuisance, and like every nuisance, they needed to be snuffed out. This is where Joseph and hi companion Ilta came in. They were mercenaries. Though, unlike many mercenaries who were really violent, or charged exorbitant sums for their services, Joseph was fair. They always summed up the village before asking. If they were poor, the would charge little, and maybe ask for a place to sleep for the evening, and maybe a meal. If the town of wherever was well off, they would charge proportional to that. They were fair, kind, and very well respected for what they did. "Let me sum this up." Joseph started, his green eyes scanning over the elderly mayor, his wife sitting nearby. "Bandits are nearby, and they are harassing the village?" He asked. He ran a hand through his blond hair. It was rather long. When he was in talks like these, he tended to leave it down, but in battle, it was mostly tied back behind his head. He was dressed in fine leathers, a beautiful sword crafted from the finest materials. It's sheen was amazing. It was silver and gold, and cooled in holy water. It was a holy weapon, and he forged it from a little extra materials from raiding a bandit camp, and with the help of a poor village and their local priest. "Aye." The mayor said. "They've been terrorizing us this past week. Stolen two cows, five chickens and a handful of crops. We are grateful they haven't taken any lives yet. Men have been injured, but never killed, but at this rate, our village is bound to burn to the ground!" The mayor was very obviously concerned, which showed in his elderly face.

Joseph sat across from him, concern evident on his face. He cast a sideways look at Ilta before leaning to her ear, covering his mouth so the old man couldn't read lips. "Charity case, or no? The gold wouldn't hurt, but maybe we should wait and see? The bandits could be loaded."

"Did ye really think there were any other real option? We'll have to bet on the camp." his busty companion replied quietly, not bothering to hide her face from their clients. Ilta's gaze fell to the old man. She always felt just a little uncomfortable when she looked at Joseph head-on. Staring at other people was always better. Their reputation had earned them the title of "Twins Radiant", what with their similar features and all... Then again, finding blondes with green eyes in this region was about as easy as breathing. Had her skin not been darker than his and had he not been just a bit taller than her, they may actually have passed for twins. She stood and stretched, tired of sitting. "Th' price for our assistance will be none but our lodgings. Yer bandit issue will have gone by nightfall tomorrow." A very nonchalant wave was the signal for Joseph to finish up on his own and she made her way out of the hall, grabbing her satchel off of the floor before leaving. Ilta never felt right when she spoke. Joseph spoke much better than she did, she felt. The tall woman pressed her back against the door, letting herself fall back a bit as it closed behind her. Her accent gave a very clear indication as to her origins and that was really what was uncomfortable. She'd been travelling with Joseph for a few moons now and had kept her distance from him since. She knew nothing of him, but assumed from his manner and speech that he must be some highborn lord's whelp, or something... Looking for excitement, maybe? They did do exciting things on their travels. Ilta sighed and waited for the door to budge.

"Apologies for my companions abruptness. It is what is attractive about her." He chuckled. "Lodgings will be a nice reward. We will figure that out later, however." He explained to the mayor, and after that, he left the building with Ilta in tow. Once they were a bit away from the village, he sighed a bit. "You know, if you didn't have such a nice pair of breasts on you, I might be troubled by your dialect." He commented offhandedly. "It's charming though, so I guess I really don't have a problem with how you talk. You are like the whole package. Looks, a way with words, and I know if I don't watch my ass, I'll find a dagger between my ribs." He mused. Joseph was talkative, to a degree. He had a way with words that naturally came with kindness and good looks. When he said he would do something, he did it. "So, about ten bandits now." He pointed out, rubbing his chin a little. "Do you want to keep back and pick them off one by one, or should one of us run in there, disrupt the camp, then funnel them into a trap?" He questioned. Bandits were generally stupid, so trapping them was easy. Though, He'd prefer to just chop them to bits. Easier to pick their corpses of cash that way.

Ilta felt a push and moved away, allowing Joseph to emerge from the town hall. "You know, if you didn't have such a nice pair of breasts on you, I might be troubled by your dialect." The woman's lip twitched and she waited for him to continue. By now surely he understood that she was sensitive about it as is? He had picked her up in a hick village in the mountains, after all. It shouldn't be too hard to figure out that she might feel that others find her uneducated when she opened her mouth, right? "It's charming though--" She felt herself smirk as he finished, however, and punched his arm lightly. "Aye, aye. Ye might at that. Though ye know I'd be more likely ta' simply put an arra' between yer eyes while ye slept." She forced herself to look him in the eyes, giving emphasis to her playful threat. "And of course I'd never travel with someone who weren't at least as good lookin' as myself, either." Ilta wasn't sure why she'd let herself get on edge, anyway. He'd never once said anything too bad to her so far. Maybe she just wasn't used to him still? She shook her head as if it would erase her thoughts, as odd as it would look. "If ye'd like, I can just send ye out on your lonesome 'n get ye out of trouble should you be too overwhelemed." His companion grinned and punched his arm again, a bit harder this time. "Ye can handle about ten on yer own, aye?"

Listening to her, he laughed a bit. "What do you take me for, some demigod?" He asked her. "I'm not superhuman. I can only handle about three on my own. Anything more than that will surely send me to a shallow grave." He explained, sighing a bit. "Anyway, here is what we will do." He said calmly. "I know magic. I don't know if I ever asked if you knew anything about magic, or mentioned that I did. Still, the plan is this. You kinda wait in a tree with a bow, and I'll set a few magical traps around, and trigger them when a few bandits are running by. You kill a few stragglers, and then we can face the rest together." He aid, smiling a bit. "Sounds like a good plan to me, don't you agree?" He asked.

The blonde woman felt herself smile when he laughed and bit the inside of her cheeks to prevent herself from doing so further. "What do you take me for, some demigod?" Ilta found herself laughing. "Yes, who else would ye be if not that?" Joseph had shown a decent aptitude for battle that couldn't help but respect him for. She stretched, yawning and clasped her hands behind her neck. The sun felt warm on her skin. Good day for a nap... "--Still, the plan is this--" She hadn't heard him speak before. Whoops. Ilta waited, listening and nodded. "Aye, I suppose we can do that. Though if ye ask myself, I don't think there'll be much in the way of 'stragglers." She brought an arm down for a moment, using airquotes for emphasis on the word and found herself grinning again. She had always prided herself on her ability with a bow. She was better than her elder sister, at least and Nike had been pretty well known for her marksmanship in their hometown. "That, and," she continued, "a tree isn't exactly the best vantage point." Ilta waved a hand in front of her face. "Too many damn branches an' shit. I find that checking the area out first might help us make a better plan, aye? Unless ye would rather go with my idea..." Ilta laughed and nudged him slightly.

"I plan on checking the area out. It's not like they are camped against a cliff face. That way, it would be easy to get the jump on them." He reasoned, sighing some more. "Let's get moving, in any case." He said, heading to the thieves camp as quickly as he could, eager to get this job out of the way and head on out to help even more people. He yawned himself. Sometimes he'd just like to nap. It would just be perfect. Upon arriving at the camp, he did his rounds, looking around silently, setting up traps carefully before finding a good one way view point. They couldn't see the duo for shit, but the duo could see them perfectly.

Ilta sighed. She'd been watching as Joseph scouted the area around the bandit camp. This part always bored her, honestly. Little was interesting about it except for the few instances wherein she managed to watch him actually set his traps. From where she sat, she could see no such thing. Ilta had hidden herself in a tree, straddling a large branch. She was prepared to shoot down some of the aforementioned "stragglers," but had seen nothing and had taken to summoning and banishing her bow while she waited. A snap caught her attention and with a quick motion, she drew her bow and aimed-- at a squirrel. Wonderful, the woman thought. Dismissing the weapon, she leaned against the trunk of the tree and sighed again, audibly. "Hurry it up, would ye?" she whined, knowing full well that her companion was too far away to hear.

He had set the traps rather efficiently. Trip wires, explosive runes of all types, and all he needed to do was get ready for some serious footwork. The path was indeed beaten well enough, as evidenced by the little grass that grew upon the dirt path. It wasn't exactly a thoroughfare, but it provided an easy path for any that followed it. That would make Joseph's plan work all the better. The blond slowly crept upon the bandit camp. Within, bandits were barking at one another as bandits do. Treasure, whores, food, alcohol. Standard bandit issues. They didn't seem to be a serious band. No leader to speak of, and as such, no form of order. They were just bound together because it was convenient. They were about to conveniently find an arrow in their necks. Taking aim with his own bow, he lined up a shot. He wasn't a good hand at it like Ilta was, but he was able to do enough to where he could pick off one or two enemies. His prowess lay in a blade, but even he couldn't escape unscathed in a ten to one scenario. He let loose an arrow, it quickly connecting with the target, piercing the neck of a bandit. The bandit gurgled and fell to the ground, bleeding profusely before their life ended. Another followed shortly after, meeting the same fat. The bandits promptly spotted Joseph after. That was the plan. kill off a few, lead a few more into traps, then Ilta would pick the remainder off. He made as much noise as he could shuffling out of the bushes, popping a bit further ahead of his traps so the bandits would trigger them. They did, and three got caught up in an explosion. It was a mess. Charred flesh, or more so what remained after chunking. Fire magic was powerful in that regard.

At this point, it was now five to one. Odds that Joseph could handle, but would rather now with a keen eye watching his back. "Come on, Take a shot any minute now. You should be nice and alert." He muttered under his breath. Once she picked off two, then it was his time to shine.

Unlike the scouting portion, watching Joseph with a bow was always enjoyable. He wasn't the best, but he was definitely better than he thought himself to be. Ilta felt herself smile as an arrow impaled one of their victims. Definitely better than he thinks, the woman thought to herself. At the sound of an explosion, she sat upright and brought her weapon forth. She let a breath go and pulled an arrow back, ready. As soon as Joseph made his way past, she let go and nocked the next while the first stuck itself true. Ilta smiled and thought of her earlier threat to Joseph at the sight of her mark. "I'll get ye right between the eyes, just like that I will!" she shouted to her companion, releasing the next arrow. She hadn't quite gotten it right, this time, the bandit having made a move she hadn't anticipated. The arrow stuck in his shoulder. Shit! The woman quickly released another arrow, hitting her target in the chest. He had been prepared to swing at Joseph, but fell over dead instead. "Drag a few more of'm out, would ye? Or do ye want more of the fun to yerself?" Ilta banished the bow and hopped out of the tree, her landing a bit sloppy. She brushed herself off and took a proper stance, a light blush on her cheeks. Summoning her weapon once more, she reached back for an arrow, prepared to cover her comrade.

With the struck bandit hit in the shoulder, Joseph was ready to wheel around, but Ilta rectified her mistake. Now, all that was left was the bandits, and Joseph gave a smirk. "No need. These will fall to my blade. It's been quite some time since I had a good sword fight." Joseph was confident in his abilities. His sword style could change on the fly, depending on what he was using. Be his strikes dignified or precise, or wild and wide, utilizing his entire body. Joseph drew his blade. A slender weapon, sharp as a can be. Not a broad weapon in the least, ill suited for blocking or holding with two hands, but Joseph hardly needed to do either. They came for him, their overconfidence in their strength of numbers would be their undoing, as Joseph swiftly proved. One of their blades, fell upon Joseph, and he gracefully parried the blow, quickly piercing the heart of the attacker with a fluid motion. He pulled away splattered slightly with blood, but that did not deter his attackers. It only served to enrage them further. A fatal mistake. One by one, he quickly proved that barely trained bandits made poor opponents with such skill with a blade. By the end of the fight, three corpses lay bleeding, and Joseph stood, covered in blood. He flicked the crimson liquid from his sword, using the shirt of a bandit to wipe it clean before sheathing it. "I think I need a shower now, or does the blood of the fallen do wonders with the ladies?" He questioned to his companion.

Drawing the bow once more, Ilta had been all too ready to let the next arrow fly. "No need. These will fall to my blade. It's been quite some time since I had a good sword fight." The woman shrugged and dropped the bow, the weapon bursting into mist before hitting the ground. Normally one would wonder why he was so ready to die, but after traveling with him, she'd come to realize that it wasn't really anything to worry about. She folded her arms and watched patiently as he cut down each opponent. He really is quite good, she thought to herself, nodding--though she did wince at the sight of her companion impaling one of the lot straight through the chest. As he finished, Ilta began to clap and approached him. "I think I need a shower now, or does the blood of the fallen do wonders with the ladies?" She couldn't have rolled her eyes farther back into her skull. With a laugh she replied, "Aye! The sight o' ye will make many a maid swoon. Maybe ye ought to put it all in a skin and bathe in it. I hear it makes yer skin as soft as a babe's." The woman slapped her companion on the back, making quite sure to do so on an area of his attire that wasn't soaked in blood. "Maybe there's a river or a pond around here that ye can take a dip in or somethin', yeah?" She jerked a thumb over her shoulder and smiled. "I think we might o' passed one on the way here."

"A bath would truly be a wonderful thing right about now." He mused. "I'm covered in blood, I smell like blood, dirt and sweat, and I can tell you are terribly sarcastic about my current appearance and it's affect on the dryness of a woman's underwear." He mused, chuckling some more as he led her back. "Come on. I'm sure you desire a bath as well. After this, I could use quite the meal. Let's take what we can from the bandits. Maybe distribte some of the things to the villagers?" He was eager to help, but he would pick at whatever food the bandits had at least.

Ilta felt herself laugh again, "Oh, I was that obvious, was I?" She followed him towards the fallen bodies, glancing at each for loot that may lay upon them. She nudged a corpse with her foot, hoping for the light jingle of gold. It wasn't there. "Come on. I'm sure you desire a bath as well. After this, I could use quite the meal. Let's take what we can from the bandits. Maybe distribte some of the things to the villagers?" Her attention returned to Joseph and she nodded. "Aye, sounds like a solid plan. All of it. I assume yer passin' on the dip in the lake, then?" Ilta had always prefered archery as her method of combat. Less messy and prevented the incidents that her comrade now faced. Meant less time hopping into freezing-ass water and more time in warm clothing. "Though," she continued, "I do find it a bit odd that we always end up paying our clients." The woman shook her head with a smirk, arms raised in a defeated gesture. "Though, I 'spose nothin' is ta be done about it, aye? We get more than enough usually, anyway..." Her words trailed off as she nudged a second corpse. Still no jingling. "So who will be looting what, then? Or are we retreating to a bath for now?"

"I think the fact that we actually return some money to our clients makes us quite a bit better than other mercenary outfits, wouldn't you agree?" He asked her simply. "Some would extort the villagers to hell and back. At least we are returning some of their lost fortune to them." He reasoned. He moved away from the bandits, sighing some. "Let's not loot the corpses. Their stashes would be back at the camp. Along with most of their food." He led her along the beaten path, and soon they were at the camp. There was food on a spit, and in some barrels was crops and such. small sacks of gold were laying around as well. "Let's eat out fill, and take one of those pouches and split it down the middle." He told her. "Half for you, half for me. The rest goes to the village. I'll bathe after I eat. Nothing like bathing while full." He reasoned.

The woman shrugged again with his reply. "'Suppose so. 'Suppose also that we're kinda bad fer takin' any of it, too..." She'd begun looking over another corpse when he continued. She'd actually managed to find a few gold pieces on this one and pocketed them. He won't be needin' them anyway. Ilta stood after and nodded to Joseph, following him back to the camp. Should we bury the corpses, she pondered, or leave them to the wolves? She shook her head again and nodded once more to her companion, his suggestion sounding reasonable. "I'm not quite sure how ye can eat after a thing like that, though. I'll admit that I could not do it myself, no. Killin' a man is enough to turn me from food, aye, let alone three. Ye can have all o' it if ye desire, or we can take it back to the village as well." Having turned away from him and to the coin purses, she wasn't sure if he'd heard her but she assumed he would have thought of the same thing, at least. He normally did, anyway. Ilta took her share, but left a few coins loose and put them in her pocket. "Do ye want to go ahead wi'out me? I'll be but a moment and ye can bathe without me, I believe. Yer not a babe, no." Ilta ended the statement with a laugh but the statement sounded a bit flat.

He picked at whatever was roasted in the fire. She had a valid point. He had a hard time eating after killing someone. Victory dinners hardly felt as such, some of the time. "It doesn't get any harder to kill a man." He told her. "Though, it's not easy. I don't like the thought of robbing someone of their life. I know the same will happen to me someday. If I could solve my every problem with debate, I would, but I'm no politician. My blades cut through a man faster than my words, as sad as that it." He ripped off a slab of meat from what was cooking and chewed at it. It was gamey, as expected, and lightly seasoned. Just a little salt to give it a little something. "I can indeed bathe by myself. If you wouldn't mind, could you chop up the remainder of this meat? I'll take the vegetable sacks with me to bathe, and then we can return everything to the village. I'm sure they would appreciate that." He said softly.

"Though, it's not easy. I don't like the thought of robbing someone of their life. I know the same will happen to me someday. If I could solve my every problem with debate, I would, but I'm no politician. My blades cut through a man faster than my words, as sad as that it." Ilta didn't bother to interrupt as he spoke, instead she looked down at her feet. "Aye. That they do." For as exciting as battle was, it always made her feel empty afterwards. Taking lives was a serious offense, after all. You took away everything from someone in exchange for goods, usually. "Men kill each other over silly things, aye?" The woman looked over her shoulder at Joseph and smiled. "Go on, you. Get on and make yerself presentable. Ye cannot keep yourself in such a state, lest ye want the women of that village to sleep in cold beds." She approached him and patted his behind, shooing him away. "Get. Gettin' all mopey 'n shit does not suit ye. I'll handle the rest."

"I may be a pretty face, but I am a thinker most of the time, not some mindless brute." He teased, stretching a bit as he ran off to the lake. He stepped into the water after stripping of his clothes, and letting the chill sink through him. His body was impressive, considering all his training. As he sat there in the chill, he let his hand dip underwater, red light emanating from his palm as he heated up the water. Now a warm bath was definitely better than a cold one. Although, bathing alone wasn't his favorite thing to do. He'd rather have someone with him, though it seemed Ilta had no interest in him. Still, once he was clean and presentable, and in fresh garments, he went to go meet up with his traveling companion. "Hey Ilta, where are you?" He asked, wondering where in the bandit camp she was.

"I may be a pretty face, but I am a thinker most of the time, not some mindless brute." Ilta gave a light laugh to this and watched him make his exit. As soon as he was out of sight, her smile fell and she pulled the coins from her pocket. While the charred bodies had been blown into pieces, there were still the five that they'd slew personally. The woman clenched the ten coins in her fist and made her way back to where they lay. "Shit." I don't have anything to fuckin' dig with. She sighed and scanned the area for a shovel or... something. After a few minutes of rummaging back at the camp, she settled for a flat-ish board and used a spare blade to hack a bit of it off so she might push her foot against an edge to help with the digging. She'd managed to haphazardly bury two of the bodies and was working on a third when she heard Joseph return. "Hey Ilta, where are you?" Ilta started. Had it been that long already? She shook her head again and laid the board down and brushed her pants off. It took a moment before the stinging on her hands registered. She brought them up and looked at them, grimacing. She'd managed to wound herself. Figures, she was using a makeshift shovel. "I'm over here, I am," she groaned in reply. Her voice sounded annoyed more than fatigued.

Hearing her voice, he sighed a bit. He looked at her hands, seeing the wounds. "You should of said something if you wanted to bury them." He said, taking her hands softly. "I can understand your hands being rough from a bow, but they shouldn't have to use anything else." He said softly. His hands began to glow with a soft green light. Her wounds began to heal slowly but surely. Joseph had a bunch of magic, but it was mostly utility things, like healing and traps. He held her hands for a moment after he had healing, just marveling at them for a moment. "Nothing like some lady hands." He said with a chuckle.

Ilta turned to face him, a light crimson on her cheeks. She'd streaked a bit of blood on her pants and with them held up in front of her, she must seem silly. She noticed him looking at them and flinched. "You should of said something if you wanted to bury them." The woman looked away, her cheeks darkening some. "I hadn't meant for ye t' come back an' see this, ye kno--" Her words stopped short as Joseph took her hands. Her head snapped forward, gaze fixed on his face. No man had taken her hands so casually before, and it was certainly new that a man take her off guard. What was he thinking? "I can understand your hands being rough from a bow, but they shouldn't have to use anything else." Ilta's mouth fell open slightly. She didn't know what to say. Her thoughts were simply an internal screaming that couldn't quite make it into an audible form. She hardly noticed that he'd healed her hands. What was with that tone of voice? Surely he couldn't be... Her attention turned to their hands and she stared at them for a long moment. Ilta didn't hold hands. She didn't do "cute." She was the attacker, dammit! How dare he! She felt the beginnings of a scowl creep onto her face, though it didn't last long. "Nothing like some lady hands." Her mouth was agape again all too soon. "P-pardon?" Divines, her face burned hot. She jerked her hands away from his and in one very angry movement had his back against a tree. "Do not think ye've gotten the upper hand on me, lad," the woman growled, her face (possibly) uncomfortably close to his. She held him there, hand pressed against his shoulder. A smirk appeared on her lips as she pushed his chin upward with the index finger of her free hand. "I am not so easily won, I'll have ye know. It takes much more than a simple touch." With each word, her lips grew closer and closer to Joseph's throat; the last being spoken against his skin. She released him after that and made her way back to her work.

[quietengineersurvivor]

11.4.17

I havent been feeling myself for the last few days. So I am back here and writing. I don’t know exactly when it started, I have been a bit harder on myself of late, but I thought that was helping and giving me direction, and the feeling of accomplishment of goal completeing/pursuing. But that is more and overall scope. My current goals are to save my money so I can look to purchase somewhere so I can stop paying rent. I can’t go back and live with my parents, that I know. But I’ve agreed to go back there on weekends, what is that about. I know i need to show gratitude, they are letting me stay there, but do i want to? I did start looking for jobs in that area even, I’m not sure, I think i would prefer to be on my own all the same.

My grandfather passed away a few weeks ago, just before my mothers birthday, and that was a sad ocassion, but I thought I had got through that. I am gratefeul for how Gab rescued me from it at one stage. 

I thought i ad got through that OK, i had reminded myself I wasnt to see him again, and thats what death is, an inability to someone ever again no matter how much you may want to. Similar is choosing not to see someone ever again, which also is a thing. 

So that was all through, and i was working on saving my money, I think at that time I may have been a bit busier, I was doing guitar straight away after work, and that was giving me some release, and i was getting head space at work which was nice, of late i have been rushing a bit, and it can be difficult coming down from that doing doing doing. So i would play guitar for a bit and that was good, becaus ei have decided i would like to play guitar, and thats one of my goals. Nothing but that. And I am branching into blue which suits me fine, as many of my favoiurite artists hang out in that genre, and i can still spill back out into rock if that is what i choose. 

Ok so saving money, and guitar. And I;ve also been training my running so i can look to compete in a half marathon. I was going to go away to the hunter valley with a guy from work, but there is little talk in that front, and i am hesitant to bring it up, so i wont. But i am still training for it. Well I was, but then i got injured at soccer around 9 days ago and have injured my groin, which i am working at repairing, but it means no training in running, which i was taking to quite well. I’m not sure where i will compete for the half marathon, but i will keep training for it, well at least get a 5km base 2-3 times a week. But it would be good to get it done this year. I would say Hunter Valley is unlikely to happen, but there is one in the city coming up, which i can lookin into, well i have looked into it, but i still havent decided if i will enter. That is something i need to decide upon. Which apparently i have designated for the end of this week. 

Other than that I cam training my brain for some reason using a nintendo ds game, i have noticed when i feel good i perform pretty well in this game, so this would be a good way to test my mental health. I feel foggy by the way. And lethargic and unmotivated, and i am worried i will lose my mind and memory, i feel like a husk. and i still feel, but all i want to do is be alone, which is a dangerous thing. 

On Thursday night past, I went to get my glasses, and i was getting eyes from one of the girls, but wouldnt do anything to secure her advances. 

At that time, my only thought was to get my glasses, obviously i didnt want to go, but i might as weel go because there is a time. I guess i have been doing that at work the last few days, and it has started to take a toll. Anyway there was this girl giving me eyes and i was aware of here, she was making it easy for me, but i wouldnt talk to here, i didnt know what to say, and i didnt want everyone to see me talking to her, so i proceeded to blank her, finding oblivious ignoring the easier thing for me to do. But still at this stage i was still mentally working, i was still there, and now i feel like im not. At this very moment i feel okay, but over the course of the last few days i have not. 

SO that was Thursday, Friday was a little different I worked, and I was usng this computer program to generate diagrams, i am still learning it, as it is a good skill to have. So i worked hard on Thursday so i would be able to work on this program. And there i am told by Dave that Mitch has asked hm not to let me use the program. So that’s not very good thing to hear, when i am desparate to get better at this program, so i can become better and more confident with designing, so i can look for a future possible in designing. This is my current aim for at work beyond doing enough not to get fired, and do a good job. I also have the aim to relarn a bit of the chemical engineering things in Perrys when i find time. My current plan is to only use that program once a week for a few hours. and then otherwise when i finish my work to get into that book. I just seem to be fucking around on a whole bunch of half arsed stuff that i can’t really get my teeth stuck into, or a whole plan to get done. Im more working at the rate things spill onto me, from other people, and i have been finding it a bit overwhelming. Nothing is being communicated to me about changes. I’m just working on my feet, and doing a bit of other peoples work. Now that was today, yesterday i can barely remember, i was very tired is all i know in the morning, and i slowly got to work, but i remember feeling a little off, and having many teas. I was like its a Monday, and i normally feel a little off Mondays. Again it was a bit of a weird one, but when i spoke with Ryan yesterday I think i was still a little on, as i tried to help him find this contract for this flow meter i am looking to get supplied. And i spoke with Scott while we had to check on the glue that wasn’t filling quickly enough, but i think theres a permanent fix on that now, but all that was holding me up. I managed to get some physicals cut, so i will have time hopefully Thursday to do some work on Solidworks. I guess that means it was only today when i felt a lot off. 

So last night i got in and had to ice my thighs, and i read a bit through this time, then i ate some dinner, and started to complete my guitar practice and lesson. And it all went pretty well. I did comple coitus inturptus. and at the end of which i was still annoyed at myself for not completing re-evaluating life goals, which i wanted to look at, after being challenged first by myself for skipping out of plans that didnt line up with my current goals, but also challenged by my sister, who made me feel the way in which i avoid social interactions is bad, while i do it becasuse i value my own time more. I dont know, so i havent reevaluated. So post coitus interputus i thought about it, and came up with make up early and no coitus inteutus for a month, which was a long standing one from when i got back from NZ. i have already failed on the second one, as i dont know why i have it, and i understad i have it to increase desire, but withough a resource to relocate that energy i though it not the best option in my current mind, which is at a somewaht battle over it, not its first battle but a battle all the same. 

So last nigh i listened to Stevy Ray Vaughan play his guitar, and he is quite talented on the old guitar, different from B.B. King though, whose guitaring i could follow, which left me feel a bit overwheled and underwheling as a player. But its somewhere to aim for. And im unsure if i want to learn blues, as it isn’t my favouite variant of music, but as i said before i can use it as a stepping stone for rock. And i am getting better. 

So i woke up early this monring, and felt a little foggy, got to work a bit early because i was hungry, and thats where food is located, got to eating, and got to meeting, and it all went quite well. But it was around this time i started to feel a bit weird, and im still unsure exactly what created it, but maybe i am a bit overwhelmed by everything and i need to take a step back for a little bit, so i can get back to normal. Because i have also been slowly neglecting texting my friends, putting it off until all my stuff is done, which i cant get all done and yeah. 

Now after all this i still feel a little overwhelemed. and a bit off. and i still am unsure what to do. Other than wait, and hope to feel better. Without recognizig the true cause, but i suspect it is overwhelming. 

Until later, 

Which i think will be soon

Upon rereading this, i fiure i am being anxious and putting too much pressure on myself to be someone i am not, yes i can work well, but i need to do it my own way, and then when i notice i am not feeling flash i scracth at the wound and make it all worse. Its when i stare at my thiughts trying to see fi they are normal, where i need to step back and just let me be. Its this odd balance of goals and not scrutinizing myself. 

Okay anxious reducing time. 

[inthewordsofahalfgoddes]

Free Writing

I ahda  very interstign weekend. I left Sunday feeling blessed by the universe. After speaking for months about getting into the dj scene I mamaged to meet a guy who can pretty much hook me up with all of it. for Free. and he likes me and ahs such a gentle soul. he’s proabably like 70 years old but he drove me home nd we chatted about things and he seemed like he would make a greatmentor for me. I did my ritual when i got back home and was soooo thannkful. Things feel so magical. I have a business idea i’m working on and met soem really interesting people who are interested in it. I’m planning a new blog of book reviews and finished creating the website and twitter page. i have brazilian jijutsu later tonight and I’m really excited for it. i feel like a growing nagging feeling of not wanting to go but I will fight it and ask mars and jupiter to help me make it to the place. I still have to paint my toes buy a pair of  exercizing shorts but im really exicted to fail lol. Tonight im going to write down all ym goals and scheduele out my week. i wish i knew where my journal was. i lost track of what day i am on for the ritual but im not too botehred by it. really I just want to have my calender back so i can organize my week. I feel a bit overwhelemed with all i want to do and I know organziing will make me feel so much better but ughhh not having my journal is fucking with me. Anyways I finally got to get some shea butter and face wash and im really happy to finally have what i needed. My hair has been doing really well recently and i intend to grow it out then style cut and striaghten it at the end of the year or at least around august. I want to plana  trip to visit montreal and see Nampende. Later today i’ll have to do somethig i have been avoiding for a while. I’ve literally ignored my ebts and its time i actively work on paying them back. Now that i have work i want this year to be the eyar i lighten my debt in every way i can. I have to scheduele a checkup with my doctor this week so that I am okay. I just want to do  a full inventory of my life. I read a post onf acebook from the queen cide and I always see her posts as spiritual guidance. She always says the things i need to hear and need to work on. This year i will step into my power. i will celebrate in the summer with cute clothes, looking good and doing a lot. I still have to contact dal to get into school and apply for scholarships so I know i can’t  fuck around too much. I have about $50 in my savings and just transferred 30 to my checkings. I have to stop by the bank to get a payment scehduele for the classess i’ll be taking. Anyways i feel anxious because the time for the classes are getting closer and I still have to shower and go pick up the stuff. I have a lot to do today and tomorrow I work so Ill be super tired. it’s a 6 hour shift so it wont be as easy as last weeks schedule. hopefully ciara will be there and we can chat a bit. The other people are so dry and i’m excited to see her. anyways i love myself and i’ll listen to the affirmations so that i can feel a bit bettr. i have to remember that failure is not a personal attack on me and that if things don’t go well it will be okay and not to be hard on myself. We can do it. This year will put us on fire.

[pbandjesse]

I should not have eaten so much. Mistakes have been made.  But today was great and I feel really happy. I'm tired and I should work on my paper. But I'm in a good mood.

I slept alright last night. I used my heating pad and that helped my back a lot. But I somehow unplugged my phone so it was almost dead when I woke up which stressed me out. thankfully the charger that came with this phone makes it charge super fast so it was fine by the time I had to leave at 930. I felt really cute today, and that makeup removing pen Jess got me is amazing and makes my wings perfect.

I took out the trash and headed quickly to the bus. I thought I was going to miss it but it was running a few minutes late. It was very cold out today and I should have had my ear muffs but it was fine. The bus was warm and comfy.

I got to the rink and checked in. Told them I got my own skates and they were excited for me. I went to lace up and my left foot sort of hurt. I tried to loosen the laces a bit but it was still pinching my toe and ankle. Which was annoying because my right foot was totally fine. But it was the first time I'm wearing them so I figured it just needs breaking in.

Niky came and we headed out to the ice. We went over to the area we practice and no one was there? Then a few skaters come over and then we figure out that they leveled us up to 3!! So our class is at 1030 and we have free skate first. Which I actually prefer. So that was cool. And we were really excited that we leveled up!

Skating on my new skates was lovely. I can skate backwards!! I could never do that before. The only problem I had was that the toe picks are longer or something and so I fell pretty hard on my knees twice. I almost smashed my face into the wall at one point but I didn’t. I have some pretty impressive bruises and a cut on my knees but I'm fine. I didn’t smash my face. I figured out how to do some spins which was amazing and having the new sharp skates really made all the difference.

When we had our actual class we learned some turns and stops. I almost fell a few times. I like out teacher! She’s around our age and I think she thinks were funny because Niky is so serious and I yell and curse a lot.  But I had a great time! I felt like it was a bit more intense, because its up a level, but it was great and I felt strong. Tired. But strong!

It was nice to get off the ice, my legs felt like jello. After I took off my skates our old teacher Mark was there. I told him thank you for leveling me up and that i got new skates and could skate backwards. He was like what! amazing! He said he wasnt supposed to level me up because I couldnt skate backwards but he was so confused by it because I skated forwards so well, it was like I was a differnt person and figured I would do fine. He seemed really happy to learn that I got skates that fit better but was surprised I was able to skate before with them being to big. I was really happy. 

And then Essma was there! She didn’t sign up for the class because she was confused. But she’s going to. And since she was there we decided to go get a snack together!

We went to Rose Street Patisserie. And when Jess comes to visit I'm going to take her there because this place was great. Beautiful, fairly priced, good food. The only problem I had was with the seating. Its communal which I hate. But whatever. I was a bit overwhelemed and didn’t know what to get. Niky got this beautiful yellow thing, and avocado toast, Essma got a little layer cake, and a baked egg with wild mushrooms. And everything looked beautiful. I got the yellow thing Niky got because it was lemon. And raspberry, and white chocolate. And I got an ALT. which is a BLT with avocado instead of bacon and it wasn’t actually on the menu but the lady said it was fine to make.

We sat and talked. Essma might get a masters in art therapy. We talked about how hard being a parent is. And out schooling experiences. It was a lot of fun. All the food looked beautiful. Niky got a latte and Essma got a loose tea thing. And I got an “Arnie Palmer” which was really really good. I hope we go back there so I can try other things.

We left there after food and went to an amazing bookstore called “Wild Rumpus”. It had cats and birds and rats and ferrets and a tarantula and a chicken!! They also had a little event with live down home country music. And I just had a great time. It was so fun. It was mostly children’s books and the whole place felt magical.

But I was getting really tired. And Essma has a kid. So we all left. Niky took me to my studio and we said goodbye.

I worked on some dioramas. Made 2! Worked on some small stuff. I was there until around 230. Then I headed back home.

I did my laundry. Thankfully the dryer didn’t eat my quarters.  I checked my mail and a little package came and it was the my neighbor totoro soft wallet I ordered a long time ago. So I was really excited. When I went upstairs I decided to lay down. I was watching tv for a few minutes but then I turned it off and slept until 530.

I had a piece of chocolate when I woke up from what was a really amazing nap. Then I went to fold all my clothes. I brought everything upstairs and put it away while my dinner heated up in the oven. And now I'm just resting. I am going to go to bed soon. I hope to go to my studio in the morning and work on my paper for at least an hour. Take a nap. Go to activated artists. I hope to have a really nice day. And I hope you all have one too!