#i am Playing and having fun. until the app kicks me out then im sad

[merioux]

doing a fifth round of "is this actually gonna get posted anywhere or is it gonna rot in my trinket folder after working my ass for a flipaclip video". this is the thang of the day, cropped close up bcuz i think this part is cute n i dont wanna show too much at the same time

[saintkimora]

here is how my last date went w joel (once again i have mixed feelings about it) plus how things are going now

so i saw him the other night. i got there and it was him marissa and lindsey as usual but they also had their friends moshe and adiena there. so that was kinda awkward (for me at least). they were all just sitting around talking and moshe and joel were playing mario kart on the switch and then joel made everyone watch like category is, read u wrote u, the s8 and 9 finale lip syncs, and the alyssa edwards drop dead gorgeous mix. it was kinda awkward bc the others werent really into it after the first 2 videos (except marissa legend) so i was getting secondhand embarrassment but it was still fun i guess since i got to sit next to my man

BUT then things took a turn for the worst bc joel made some attempt to include me in the group conversation. i got so sweaty instantly and i was wearing a tank so i was like fuck! nothing to cover it up. so yeah eventually moshe and adiena left and it was just us the 4 sisters again

marissa started vacuuming and lindsey was showing us some books she has. then they both went to their rooms and it was just me and joel. he said chris was still in his room playing tekken 7 on his ps4 and he didnt wanna kick him out yet so we stayed in the living room and he made me watch the great british bake off with him and it was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO boring omg like this is what yall call a competition? it was not intense at ALL literally flop shows only

then eventually we went into his room and he kicked chris out (after playing one round w him) so it was just us. this is where the date got enjoyable

one of the things he did was he started talking to me about his opinions on like race and stuff currently in america. and his opinions were all p good except for a few so that was fine. it was nice i guess to have like a serious convo w him i guess

THEN he referenced something from his childhood and i didnt know what it was obv so he was like “ive never told you the story of my childhood??” so he told me and oh my gosh it was so SADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD omg im not gonna put all his business on here but it was such a sad story and i felt so bad for him and i wished i met him years ago so i couldve been there for him through all of it. but yeah it was v unfortunate i was like shocked like he seriously could not catch a break and he explained to me how the things from back then affect him to this day w like his anxiety for example and yeah. like obv i wasnt happy to hear about all those sad things but i was happy that he told me bc it made me feel closer to him

now for the part i DIDNT like. so at one point he somehow tried to talk to me about what celebrities and porn stars we think are hot. i did not want to have this conversation bc it feels pointless for me bc i dont keep up w celebrities and plus like the guy im with is always the #1 hottest guy for me so i dont feel the need to lust after celebs and porn stars. but whatever he was insistent on talking about this so we did. and the part that made me feel :/ was that none of the guys looked like me. like literally all the celebrities and porn stars he listed literally looked NOTHING like me whatsoever. like i didnt have a SINGLE thing in common w any of these guys. so to hear him going on and on about how hot these guys are and how they could have him any day and stuff was just kinda deflating to me bc they were all like the complete opposite of me in terms of looks. like they were all super buff daddy types and i have like 0 muscles and i dont really have strong chiseled features either. like i know im prob being oversensitive/too competitive but idk it just made me uncomfortable

and then when i told him all my faves it was different bc he did have a lot in common w all the guys i mentioned. he was like “im noticing a pattern here” and hes right, like if i did have a “”type” he would probably be it. i personally dont like talking about hot guys w any guy im currently with bc for me its like if the guy im with is all heart eyes emoji about another guys looks then obv im gonna look at this guy and compare myself to him which is not something i want to do since most of the time the other guys have me beat. so i dont bring up guys i find hot for the same reason bc i wouldnt want the guy im with to feel insecure or inadequate or contribute to a negative body image or something. i know not all people think like this and lots of people are perfectly fine w admiring other guys w their s/o but for me its just not something i like to do

so that was the worst part. it made me feel kinda empty the next day (in the moment it wasnt as bad, it was uncomfortable but it wasnt until later that i realized that i really did not look like these guys at all). actually i think this convo happened before the childhood convo. but anyways after all those convos that is when we fooled around

so this time it was fun! first he had me teasing his hole w my dick. its mildy pleasant to me but he like loves it lol. then he did the same to me but his dick was like lubed up from when i was jerking him off beforehand and it really felt like his dick was THIS close to slipping into my hole omg i was nervous i was like if he moves his hips slightly too much im literally gonna lose my virginity LMAO but it was still fun! he ended up cumming on my hole which i honestly didnt mind bc it was easier to clean since its less surface area than say my stomach or something

then i jerked myself off while he kissed me and played w my nipples and stuff since thats still my preferred way to cum. it was nice and then we showered together afterwards. and i forgot to mention it but a few dates ago we showered together for the first time which was super fun!! that time i sucked/jerked him off in the shower until he came. this time we had already cum so we just cleaned ourselves 

then we went to sleep. we woke up and got ready and i got to see him eat breakfast! he had cereal and he looked soooooooo cute omg and then we left his apartment together, then parted ways bc i had to go to my car and he was going to the bus stop down the street. he left bc he is visiting his family back home bc he needs to get some documents to do something for fafsa and he wont be back until wednesday. and i leave on thursday so rip we just have one more chance to see each other 

so that was that! also on the date before that we played this really fun game together called lovers in a dangerous spacetime and i had so much fun! omg we were such gaymers

so yeah thats it! one more date before we have to be apart for a month. im really sad about it actually like ive been getting really emotional over it. like im gonna miss him but also hes kinda going through a difficult time in his life right now and it makes me feel really bad that i wont be able to be there for him in person when he needs me. and ofc im still worried he might meet someone else, like a month is a long time so its v possible for him to forget/lose interest and try to find a new man instead. and these gay apps are location based obv so he could be reinstalling grindr or something and i would have no idea since im so many miles away!!! i doubt he would but again i didnt think caleb would do that either and i was wrong on that so im not trusting my own judgment anymore

im gonna try to enjoy greece but im gonna miss him a LOT and i just hope hes able to hold himself together while im gone since i wont be here to comfort him since im gonna be on another continent. if he does meet someone else im gonna be really sad about it but i am gonna try to be optimistic about it and ill still be able to text him like every day so its gonna suck but it could be worse i guess

[feral-animal-blog]

Just need a place to vent

Today has been the shits. First im pmsing hard core. My laptop and phone started doing this dumb thing so I wasn't able to put the new music on it because I didn't have file transfer or some shit which is dumb. It's not a new phone and I haven't changed any settings or downloaded any new apps. So I dunno wtf that was about. Took me 2 hours to put 50 songs on my phone.

Next I got into an argument on a Facebook post. (I don't think I've ever voiced my opinion on a post before but this dude was fucking ignorant and arrogant.) Was talking about how minimum wage shouldn't be increased to what they say it will be because all minimum wage workers are uneducated slobs who don't want to better themselves. Well that doesn't sit right with me. When I moved out of my parents house I moved in with my (ex) bf and a roommate. The roommate eventually left and my bf at the time left to get a better job up north and said I'd join him when he did. We ended up breaking up and I was stuck with a 1000$ rent and only making 800$ a pay check. That doesn't even included electric/water bills, car insurance, food and some female neccisities. To top it off this guy is a business owner. Like wtf? Do you really have that little care for your employees so much that you rather have more money than they have food in their bellies. Anyways that fired me up for what happened next.

I know this part is going to sound like utter gibberish but I play World of Wacraft. I have for a while, and I was in a guild that was awesome. They gave me and my boyfriend officer roles to help maintain the 300 people we have in the guild. Cool. At the start it was just my boyfriend and I pugging mythic+ keys trying to get better and the game. Eventually the raid lead of the guild said we should be having a hard core mythic+ group and a just for fun mythic+ group. We joined up with 2 other guys to do the dungeons with and eventually another guy joined to make a full group. We all meshed well together. We became very good friends. So much that my boyfriend and I are going to go and visit them in the states. Any who, our "job" was to help people with keys and get better. For months we posted in guild chat asking if anyone needed their keys done. Or if anyone wanted to join us, we never got any reply expect for a few people who joined every once it a while. That's cool, we'll just switch people out so everyone can get their 15 gear in a weekly chest. Eventually no one replied, we had to whisper people to see and they said no. No one was taking it as serious as us.

Months go by and our 5 core people started progressing on keys. We run key every single day to get better and learn mechanics. Still try and get people to join but not very many people do. Sure ok cool. But then our GM comes in saying we are a clique and that we need to stop grouping together because it's making other people feel bad. Like who though? We ask and ask and no body answers us. But that's not the root of the problem.

The root is that the GM and her husband run the guild. He raid leads and she gets everything together. They were having marital issues and taking it out on all the officers who help run the guild. Totally unfair, saying we aren't doing this or that. That we don't care about them. (Mostly the GM saying we never ask how she is although I did a few times and got one worded answers. Like how am I supposed to be able to help her or listen to her when she does that.

And then there is the raid. The raid lead did not want to do mythic progression and was teaching the Co gm how to run it cause he was think of quitting the game for awhile. The couple made up and apologized. But the raid lead always comes in with a shit attitude and it effects all 20-30 of our attitudes. The GM would always say we are too quiet and needed to liven up but we couldn't because wed be told to shut up or stop talking so much so we could focus. Uh okay?

On top of that out of 20 mythic raiders only 12 deserved to be there. All the others weren't gear enough, stat weights weren't right, didn't have the skill or simple just didn't know their class or spec nor wanted to learn about it. They just log on raid days collect the loot other people deserved and logged out unil next week. Where as us serious players got shit loot, I'm luck everything I got titan forged.

When we joined the guild the GM told everybody it was a drama free place. Where she was the one creating all the drama. About 10 of us got so sick of it and that lead to today....

A different Co gm posted in discord officer chat that we needed to have a mandatory guild meeting about the click issue and that whoever didn't show up would be demoted or kicked. That obviously started a burning rage in my friends group.

We all discussed in on private messages and just logged into game so we can all talk with each other about what was happen. We joined discord and eventually the Co gm joined and we actually had a civil conversation about what was happening. It was fine and everyone was calm and voicing their opinions without getting butt hurt.

Then came in the GM guns just fucking blazing. Yelling at us for this and for that and for not paying attention to her all the time. After about an hour of all the guys trying to say their opinions on everything but she would just not stop yelling and treating us like children.

I snapped.

I told her she was to fucking emotional to be running a guild. That we were not mythic progression ready and that she sucked at the new character she made. We shouldn't of even been bringing her into mythic raids because the people who actually did mechanics suffered. I told her she was bitching about every little thing and that not everything is about her. I was yelling and crying and everyone in party chat was like HOLY SHIT SHE DOES HAVE A BIGGER DICK THEN US!

Right after I let everything out the Co gm who is friends with us left the guild. Another followed, I did the same and so did my boyfriend. Turns out about another 5 people left the guild when we did as well. That's 10 people out of a 20 man raid gone. Who were all mostly their best dps just gone. Because she couldn't handle her shit.

I broke down balling after but all the dudes helped cheer me back up. Thank god for them. I was shaking I was so mad. Pmsing, haven't slept more then 3 hours a night for the past 2 weeks. I haven't eaten anything more than 2 cheese strings and tea a day. Was the wrong time to bring all this shit up.

But all of us that left the guild are taking a night off and will regroup tomorrow to see what we are going to do. We might server change and join a guild who is more into their progression then the last one. A few of the guys said they wanted to wait to join a guild until my boyfriend and I get back from our 2 month vacation but we said not to obviously. They can be working on that progression whilst we are gone.

I'm so glad I have all those guys. They are really great people. And they really care. Just way to much drama for me to handle. I don't even have that much drama in real life.

I know.. I know.... it's just a video game. Buts it's also not. I have no real life friends and no job at the moment because I'm leaving for a while. I have nothing else to do. I'm depressed and lonely and just overall sad. I play video games because it's a home away from home. I don't want to dread logging on or join raids because of all the nonsense drama going on there. I play to escape my real life.

But that's it.. needed to let it out somewhere. My mom gave me a hug today and I was shaking I was so angry even before the meeting. I need more hugs...