#i always think hey its depressing if the prof has to talk to Only The Squares

[husberttee]

made the mistake of putting on my camera for this seminar big ragrats

[seokiloquy]

Coffee Diet - Kozume Kenma

AU: Tokyo Ghoul 

Requested

Tags/Warnings: GN! Reader, Gore, some angst (Though both aren’t too heavy or graphic I think), probably a poor representation of the manga/anime cause I haven’t actually read/watched it all the way through despite wanting to

Word Count: 3.3k+

Kozume grunted. His kagune, the source of his inhuman power, made strikes at his cannibal attacker, forming a bone-like needle that stabbed down at the unknown ghoul. The concrete shattered like thick glass upon impact as the ghoul continued to dodge. 

Tokyo (especially its many outskirt neighbourhoods) had a ghoul problem. 

“You’re in the wrong territory if you think you can get away with that.”

The other ghoul only laughed, continuing his fast steps. The laugh itself was painful, scratchy and high pitched. It made Kozume wince.

The people of Kozume’s neighbourhood knew of the danger that lay waiting outside their doors, and thus an unspoken rule had been made among them. Don’t be outside past sunset. Those that did take a nightly venture typically were found mangled and half-eaten by morning. Broken bones peaking through bloodstained flesh, large bites taken out of their thighs, and torsos ripped open; delectable looking meal for a ghoul gone rouge. Kenma wouldn’t agree.

The dark alley that the ghoul had run into was walled off.

His opponent's black greasy hair hung over most of his face like a curtain, only letting a single black and red eye, and a sharp-toothed smirk poke through the strands. His hair swayed as he spun around.

“What does territory matter if there’s food to be had?” The ghoul screeched before his powered ghoul organ seeped out of his body and shot toward Kozume. It scratched his cheekbone, barely missing his eye, thankfully, but would take time to heal unlike any normal would.

Kozume hissed at the cut, willing his own kagune to slash at the ghoul who began climbing up the sides of the brick walls. The sharpened bone just missed the man’s food as he scurried over the ledge.

“See you later!”

The false blond stood there, yawning and rubbing his black and red eyes that were pinned to the building’s top. Heat from the rising sun began to warm his back. With the new light and extra heat, the tired ghoul raised his arms, stretching, as he took in his familiar surroundings. The port, or at least near it. Kozume stepped out of the alley to see the broken concrete that was left in his chase.

Another yawn escaped him before he tucked his hand in his red sweater’s pockets and walked the other way. He needed coffee.

Kuroo’s shop, as lovely of an atmosphere as it created, was in the middle of a garbage dump. It didn’t help that some of that outside aesthetic carried into the cafe itself. The bell pierced into Kozume’s ear canal as he opened the front door to the dingy sight. Stained counters, chipped porcelain, yellow lights that were so off-putting that they stayed off all the time. It’s always been dark and gloomy, until today.

“Welcome! Take a seat, I’ll be right with you.”

That’s new.

Kozume stood in the doorway, watching your form dance and sway behind the bar. He noticed the music playing, soft and completely unnatural for the cafe. Your uniform, definitely not assigned by Kuroo, was crisp and clean, black shirt sitting on your form nicely. It was modest and professional. Maybe not assigned, but definitely Kuroo’s style.

He watched as you placed a small cake at another regular’s table, patting the old man’s signature plaid jacket on the shoulder. Whatever you said made the man laugh and twirl his fork happily.

His golden eyes, now settled after his too-early walk from the destroyed park, were trained on you as he sidestepped over to his usual seat in the corner next to the window. He sat, and took his eyes off your bobbing head as you turned around. His brow furrowed. The table was clean. Kozume looked around the cafe, noticing the lack of dust and stains.

He didn’t see you drop off a cup of coffee at a table, or walk his way until you were right in front of him.

“Hi, what can I get you?”

He jumped in his seat, causing his bobbed hair to billow out for a moment. Oh no, the look in your eyes immediately told him that you could see his rosy cheeks. He coughed. “Black coffee, please.”

Your smile was perfect.

“Hey, Kenma!” An unlikely saviour with black spikey hair appeared from the doorway. Kuroo strode over and waved you down as he slid into the seat across from Kozume. “Ah you got a scratch,” he hissed, immediately putting pieces together in his head. His head turned your way. “Do you mind getting me a coffee too, (L/N)?”

Kozume’s eyes followed you as you placed your pen and notepad back into your pocket and walked toward the counter.

“(L/N)’s new, just started yesterday and all the regulars love the new energy already. So tell me, what happened?”

Kozume sighed, looking down at his hands. “More keep coming. One disappears and another shows up. I’m too tired for this.”

Despite his vague tone, Kuroo knew what Kozume was talking about and sighed immediately. He leaned back in his chair. “I’ll be able to help you out soon enough, (L/N) has gotten a good hand on things, but I don’t want to leave them alone in the shop too suddenly. You understand.”

Kozume did understand. You, the human behind the counter, were a breath of fresh air in the musty town. You didn’t know, you couldn’t have. The demeanour of someone in the know in this neighbourhood wasn’t that positive. He knew that he wouldn’t get any help until you knew of the cafe’s main purpose.

“Take your time, I can handle it for how.” Kozume yawned and gestured to his marred cheek. “This guy might be a pain to deal with though.”

Just as he finished speaking the TV that hung above his head began to rattle on about destruction occurring at their neighbourhood’s port.

Kuroo winced. “That’s a pain, all right.”

Two white cups of black coffee hit the table's surface. Kuroo thanked you as you stood straight and reached into your apron’s pocket. Next to Kozume’s mug, you placed a large band-aid as you ripped open a disinfectant wipe. “May I?” 

He nodded and let your fingers gently turn his chin in your direction. The wipe glided smoothly over his cheek but stung. He hissed and pulled his head back.

“Sorry, it’ll be over in a second, I’ll be quick. Can I finish?”

Kuroo stayed silent as he watched Kozume get cared for by his employee, only speaking when the barista left the younger ghoul’s side with a kind smile. “You’re blushing.”

“I will kick your ass,” Kozume sneered before lifting his mug up to his lips for a quick sip. “Why’d you hire a human anyway?”

Kuroo mirrored his friend’s actions and drank some of his well-brewed coffee. “They don’t hold any ill will toward Ghouls if that’s what you’re wondering, maybe a bit scared. But (L/N) is very kind.”

Kosume continued to yawn through their conversation, occasionally looking your way, only to immediately turn his head as soon as there was a chance of you catching his stare. He didn’t realize how long it went on until he heard your footsteps heading for the exit.

Kuroo twisted, resting his arm over the back of the chair to face you putting on your coat. “Walk home safe!”

“Will do!” Your smile glittered before you pushed the door open and walked through.

Kozume’s eyes continued to follow you through the glass until you turned out of sight. 

“Do they live far from here?” he asked Kuroo, questioning his warning.

Kuroo slapped his hand on the table twice, gathering the energy to rise to his feet. He grabbed the long since empty mugs, whose stray coffee had begun to dry on the sides. “Only a 5-minute walk. But (L/N) has to walk through alleyways to save time, and well, even during the day, you can’t be too concerned for one’s safety.”

“Ah, Kozume! Black coffee again? Would you like some food with that?”

Kozume’s stomach churned at the thought of putting something other than coffee into his system. “I’m alright, just the coffee is fine. Thanks.” Hands stuffed in his pockets, he walked to his corner. “And Kenma is fine.”

“Then, please, call me (Y/N).”

The cafe smelled cleaner than the weeks prior. Cleaning solution seems to sit right under Kozume’s nose and punch him every time he breathed. Taking his seat, he immediately noticed the lack of smudges on the window.

Kozume tried to give you a kind smile as you set his cup of coffee on the freshly cleaned table. He could feel heat crawl up his neck and settle underneath the skin of his cheeks. He gulped, readying himself to separate his lips and speak.

“You seem drained, has work been alright?” You beat him to the punch.

“Ah ya, work.” He didn’t have a job. “It’s been alright, just a bit draining because of the night shift. How has school been?”

Kuroo was quick to get you both well acquainted after your first meeting. He carried conversations until Kozume was willing enough to speak for himself. The blond was thankful for that, knowing that if he had been left alone by your side no familiarity would have been built.

“Oh, the usual. I have a few assignments to finish but nothing too overbearing. I did read an interesting article about social relations and hierarchy of ghouls in society. It was a bit depressing but educational.”

Kozume choked on his coffee, hunching over the table as he lifted a fist to his mouth. Just as the ragged coughs began to subside he felt your hand gently rub his back, sending him into another fit of coughs.

“What’s the assignment about?” he asked, settling down.

He noticed the concerned look on your face as you pulled napkins out of your pocket and set them on the table. “Ah well, I’m studying public health and humanities, and my prof told us to choose a disadvantaged group to write about. Yada yada, so on so forth. I chose ghouls.”

He gestured for you to sit with one hand, waving at Kuroo with the other as he wiped down the main counter. You smiled and took the seat across from him.

“You believe ghouls are disadvantaged?”

Your brow furrowed, pondering. “Well ya, in some ways. Maybe not in strength and power, but ghouls are rather hated in society don’t you think?”

Once again, while preparing to speak, he was cut off by the overhead TV switching audio. Listening to the graphic words coming out of the reporter's mouth, Kozume sighed and raised a hand to push against his temple.

The distressed look on your face made him pause. A pit grew in his stomach as your concerned face turned to Kuroo, who was calling you back to your station. You were quick to bring back your smile. “Enjoy the coffee, and rest when you can.”

Kozume returned your smile meekly but was focused on the grotesque details the reporter listed, unable to stop himself from imagining you, defenceless, in that sort of danger. He couldn’t stomach the coffee.

“(Y/N), I really don’t think I should leave you here alone after dark.”

You sighed, looking to your boss with an unimpressed smirk. Kuroo squinted, lips pursing as he watched your knowing smirk turn humorous. 

“Testu, don’t you have work to do at night? My walk home may be a lot safer, if you get to that, no?”

Kuroo cursed, punching the wooden counter with a dull bumping sound. He groaned. “How did you know?”

You laughed, shifting the position of your hands on the wooden poll and continuing to sweep the floor of the empty cafe. “I study! It may not be so obvious but don’t you think I’d pick up on you being a ghoul after a few weeks?”

“I mean maybe, but I was hoping you didn’t know!”

A light scoff shot off your tongue and through your teeth. “I would think you’d be relieved, now you don’t have to be so cautious around me.”

Kuroo picked up the washcloth he had been holding earlier off the counter and began to wipe the wooden surface down again. “No harm in caution. Even if you do know.”

“Ya, ya, just don’t show me a severed limb. I can’t do gore.”

Kuroo laughed and tossed the damp towel onto the edge of the metal sink. His arms shifted to his back to aunty the black apron around his waist. “Are you sure you’re okay here alone?”

The TV’s sound changed to the news’ intro tune as you grabbed the remote and turned it off. You gave the ghoul a warm smile. “I can handle it. Go go.”

The sun was already over the horizon by the time you were ready to leave. You stood on the inside of the door, punching in the pin code to the security lock. It beeped, giving you the warning to leave and lock the door. Once done, you pulled your sweater a little tighter on your shoulders and shoved your hands in the pockets.

You focused on the sound of your rubber souls stepping on the concrete and the occasional tick of a pebble getting kicked. Street lights flickered, or at least the ones that were working did. Walking upon a burnt out light, you took the marker to turn down the neighbouring alleyway.

Two steps in was all it took before you lifted the collar of your weather over your nose. The putrid smell wafted your way from the dumpster. “Ugh, it’s not garbage day tomorrow is it?” Setting closer towards the opposite wall, you help your breath and face forward. Until the burnt-out light flickered on.

You halted, head frozen forward as you looked out of the corner of your eye. Immediately your stomach churned and your throat began to pulse uncomfortably. 

First, you noticed the pool of dark red blood that was slowly growing, nearing your shoes. Then it was pieces of loose skin and grey hair, stained as they floated in their puddle. Your heart seized at the sight of a ragged plaid jacket that was recklessly torn. You searched higher.

A single red iris surrounded by a black gloss stared at your profile. The rest was obscured by pin-straight greasy hair except for a large, inhuman smirk that showed off shark-like teeth covered in blood.

You cautiously removed your hands from your pockets, watching the poorly dressed skeletal like figure’s hunch move up and down as he breathed.

One beat.

You saw his claw-like fingers hold the wrinkly hand of the severed arm like a possessed lover. Your foot shifted.

Two beats.

The ghoul’s head tilted, revealing a tube-like pound of pink flesh hanging from his fangs. You gulped.

Three beats.

You ran.

Pulse already off the hertz, you sprinted with all your might to the flickering light at the other end of the alley. A stupid move, but taking the time to turn around wasn’t an option. Each step sent a jolt into your stomach. Your footsteps were much louder than before, but your blood was drowning it out. The lamp was so much slower now.

You froze suddenly. Stopped by a tug on your arm. Vertigo suddenly hit and the lamp was pulled further away. Then you recalled the tug, and noticed the increased pulsing in your arm, then felt your sweater become sticky and heavy. You looked to the side and down.

Were bones supposed to stick out like that?

You hardly registered it’s presence before the spike-like bone was torn from your limb, sending you into another fit of screams.

The light at the end of the alley flickered again, before going completely dark. 

His heart raced, blood pumping through his ears like crazy.

“Calm down Kenma! You can’t go crazy like this!”

“I have every right! You heard that scream, didn’t you? It was (Y/N)!”

The blonde’s kagune went wild, thrashing about and nearly knocking Kuroo over in the process. Said ghoul didn’t flinch, only brushing away the agitated organ with a push of his own.

“I know, but you have to—”

He was off, launching into the air and onto the rooftops, following the smell of your spilt blood before Kuroo could finish his sentence. The black-haired man swore, quickly following suit.

The sight was expected, horrifying, but not surprising.

Whoever’s intestines were falling out of the ghoul’s mouth, Kozume couldn’t tell, but he wasn’t gonna let the ghoul he had been hunting get another chance to make a meal out of your body if he could help it.

“GET OFF!”

Something cracked as the long-haired ghoul’s body flew off yours, smashing against the brick wall of the alley. Kozumes sharp-pointed kagune pinned him through the stomach to the cracking brick. 

He only gave you a glance. The sight made his stomach churn as if he were trying to eat a regular meal. Torn skin, visible bone, and blood everywhere. He wanted to vomit.

Behind him he could hear Kuroo’s feet land in the massive pool of blood, making it splash slightly. Their clothes would have to be trashed later.

Kozume gritted his teeth. Despite his boiling rage at you being injured, he managed to hold off his brutal assault against the bloodied ghoul until he heard Kuroo zip away with you in his arms. 

Even in your current state, you’d be safer away from the scene.

“I don’t think (Y/N) is going to be able to work for a while.”

“Some of the regulars are spooked, but relieved.”

Whatever was holding your arm like a boa constrictor was making sleep really hard. You groaned. Why did your stomach hurt?

“Ah, look who’s up.” Kuroo’s voice was as teasing as always.

Your sight was blurry when you finally came to. The first thing you noticed was the aggressive pulsing in your arm and stomach followed by a warm hand on your shoulder. You tried to shift.

“Ah stupid, don’t do that.” Kozume’s voice, despite a slight rasp, was as gentle as ever.

You sighed and squinted towards Kuroo who stood at the end of — what you were quick to realize—  was your hospital bed. His arms were crossed and the smirk he wore was humorous. “Kuroo, if you say a single word, I will gladly risk further injury to fight you.”

Kenma shut his eyes and rubbed your shoulder before reaching for a hot mug from your bedside table. Kuroo walked around to the opposite side to help you sit up. You watch a thick red sweater fall off your shoulders and onto your lap, in front of your bandaged stomach.

Kenma spoke quietly, “Your sweater was torn to pieces.”

“Like my body?” you joked, only to get a sour look from the man in return. “Sorry.”

He sighed again and handed you the steaming mug. “Here, drink this. You need food.”

Kuroo walked back to the end of the bed, letting Kozume take care of you from then on.

“Coffee is considered a food now?”

Kuroo let out a short chuckle, making you tilt your brow in his direction. Kozume coughed, placing the mug down quickly to lift his red sweater off of your lap. He draped it back onto your chest, tucking it between your shoulders and pillow, then slowly guiding your arms through the sleeves. 

You rubbed your hands together for warmth as Kozume offered you the hot mug again. You took it, thanking him with a shining smile. You once again failed to notice the rosiness of his cheeks, even if Kuroo didn’t.

“You won’t be able to stomach anything else, sorry.”

Why did this take me so long to write…. Oh well. -Bacon

Posted: 14/02/2021

[tumblunni]

HEY I LOVE POKEMON TRAINER BLACK

this boy is literally me what the fuck

Has anyone headcanoned him as autistic? Cos seriously SO many relateable moments! Or another neurodivergence/mental illness or just social awkwardness in general. He's every relateable everything!!!

But seriously tho there are so many ADORABLE moments of him being awkward and super enthusiastic and AAAAAA! like he's literally introduced appearing out of the shadows stuttering so quietly that the postman thinks he's a stalker and judo chops him into a pond. And then his idea of a logical way to prove his identity is to take the postman to his house, ask the neighbour if its his house, and then WALK BACK TO THE POND WHERE THEY WERE ORIGINALLY TALKING INSTEAD OF GOING INSIDE. Like even 'here's the package back, lets start over from scratch'. And then in contrast to how shy he was earlier he's all BOMBASTIC when he meets the other two heroes, he appears out of nowhere on a Braviary screaming about justice and dreams and then vanishes again just as quickly after he's saved everybody. So he's so relateable to me cos he's both shy and loud! Im like that, im so MAXIMUM 110% POWER when im with people im comfortablw with but thats only like 2% of people. And the autism relateableness really comes from the part where he cant control his loudness when he's talking about his hyperfocus? Like literally its treated like a SUPERPOWER in-universe, and the justification for the games being called black and white. "Black can't focus without his Munna eating his dreams, because he gets carrried away thinking about becoming the Champion and cant see what's right in front of him. He needs to turn all those blinding white thoughts back to black!" So seriously he's literally written having a problem that gets in the way of his daily life and using a support pokemon for it, and its literally a problem about hyperfocus and ALSO on top of that he has difficulty talking to people. I'm not just being nuts seeing autism relateability, right?

Also this manga made me appreciate Tepig more! They gave a lot of personality to the starters, showing them fighting each other while waiting to meet their new trainer. Tepig is exactly what you'd expect so far, a reckless shonen hero type who's a glutton for food and gets into trouble because of it. And then Snivy is the snooty beauty queen/king who gets all cold fury at Tepig whenever its stupid antics end up splashing dust or berry juice ln its beautiful tail. So they fight, and then oshawott is the shy pacifistic one who tries to break it up. BUT also it has kind of a demonic temper when you push its patience past the limit! Ten minutes of "but guys you should calm down hey maybe lets just talk about this over a nice cup of tea"and then "SHUDDUP AND DRINK YOUR GOD DAMN TEA" *instant kill samurai technique*

I LOVE THEM

And its so cute how Black befriends Tepig?? It got into trouble cos its shonen heroness made it depressed about losing the fight, its always all "i have to be the best" even when its not relevant or when its causing trouble fpr its own life in the process. So Black can instabtly understand and relate to how it feels! And then Tepig ends up wandering into an angry Sewaddle's food source and stabding on a precarious branch, comfort-eating the last leaf it was saving for winter. Again, hyperfocus letting you get so carried away you mess up! Relateable! So Black swoops in to save it and now he's yelling in full hyperfocus mode ABOUT HOW TEPIG IS THE BEST AND THEY ARE KINDRED SOULS AND I WILL HELP YOU ACHIEVE YOUR DREAMS MY FRIEND!! and tepig cries because its personal dreams to be the best are sort of a self hatred thing where it starts these fights just cos its scared of being laughed at for being weak. And this is the first trainer who thought it was the best??? *sniff* And i like to think that even the artwork was kinda playing into it, cos it says that Black needs to have munna take away all of his dreams in order to focus, but the visual representation shows a mix of black and white tiles with the single solution tile in the middle of all the white ones. So its like in this situation his special interest actually helped him, once he was able to unfocus a little and realize the similarities with Tepig. If he'd conpletely stopped thinking about it he probably couldbt have solved the problem! So maybe his character development would involve learning to manage his focus more effectively instead of trying to magically remove all of it at once? I guess maybe that could be a metaphor for using heavy potentially-dangerous medicine on neurodiverse kids to get them to act "well behaved" but depressed, versus actually getting them the therapy, correct medication if necessary, and coping strategies to manage their condition and retain a full quality of life.

OR, AGAIN, MAYBE IM READING TOO MUCH PERSONAL EXPERIENCE INTO THIS

Oh also and i like that prof juniper is written as a bit of a longsuffering only-sane-person in this world of goofballs, who's not afraid to get sassy and sometimes strict when needs be. She kinda felt like she didnt have much personality in the games beyond being generically nice in all ways and having possibly the least dialogue of any professor. Same issue as elm but at least elm had one npc state he was messy and disorganized even if it wasnt a trait they really showed that much of. Anyway i'm glad to see a juniper that stands up for herself instead of just being all 'oh you kids tee hee' to everything 24/7. Its really like the barebones necessary for a professor character, they dont even actually bother to write a good kind character! Kindness doesnt have to be boring!! (Tho i also like this different sass version too!)

Anyway im lovin this so far so im gonna keep going! Favourite scene: "Knowing Black i bet he's either screaming off a clifftop about his dreams or curled up in the library hogging every book about Tepigs." *cut to him curled up in the library, also screaming*

[canaryatlaw]

Today was.....kind of odd. I felt exhausted and like I was running crazy all day, but I actually wasn't? Idk. I remembered today that my psychiatrist wanted me to call him after I'd been on the Xanax for like a week to see if I'd noticed a difference, as I should have, and as I remembered I was supposed to do this I realized I don't think I've actually seen much of a difference. I still feel anxious pretty much all the time and can't stop my mind from racing even when I'm trying to relax, there's always something I need to get done. I'm doing 2 mg of Xanax a day right now (1 at morning and 1 at night) and he wrote me the prescription to use as needed so I can increase it if needed. If I'm remembering correctly, at the time I accidentally went off it I was taking 3 mg a day, I guess I was just hoping I would be doing better by now and wouldn't need that much. Idk, it's weird to be experiencing symptoms of mental illness like anxiety and feeling exhausted and like something in my mind just isn't right without them being accompanied by the overwhelming and soul-sucking dread of suicidal ideation constantly occupying your mind. Because I pretty much consider myself "recovered" at this point. Like I'm SO much better than I was 4 years ago. But I'm still having symptoms that just don't feel like they have a causal connection to my life, because there's nothing that would be causing that in my life- I mean at least as far as the depression, there's obviously plenty to cause anxiety. But I don't really feel depressed at all so I don't really know if that's what this is??? Like my brain felt weird when I was without my meds for a few days but for the most part it's been fine with happiness, just tending to get overwhelmingly exhausted, but with me that could have a lot of causes (see: my abysmal high school attendance record). Sigh. I didn't mean to get into all of this right now, it just kind of came out. I think that's most of what I have to say, though. So, today. Alarm went off at 9:45, and the first thing I notice is its gross and rainy and hell no am I gonna walk 20 minutes to the train in the freezing rain cuz I fucking hate rain, so I consult google maps to see which of the alternate routes I know of would be quickest, and decide on the one that takes my normal bus route to a close by train station of another line that I can then take to the loop. So that worked out fine and I got to school in plenty of time to prep for the panel. Oh, I left out that I woke up to a text from my across the hall at work friend saying she was like ridiculously sick and couldn't come, so that sucked but oh well. After not too long DCFS guy comes over with the PD we were able to get from delinquency, so we hang out and talk for a while as things get set up more and we get food before the panel. So, we ended up having 4 panelists, which worked well because we initially felt overbooked at 6, but 2 had to cancel haha so that ended up being good. We had the PD, DCFS guy, an adoption attorney, and a child rep that does work in domestic relations (divorce/custody court). And of course I was the moderator, so I got ask my questions and they went really well! Everyone had good and varying answers, and even gave some well-reasoned answers to my thrown in at the last minute question about if they could change one thing about the system they work in what would it be, because of course I am so very reform minded, lol. We got to open the floor up a little at the end, and the panelists talked about the last question for like 10 minutes and I was like watching the clock knowing the 1L's all had to get back to class at 1 so as soon as they finished I was like OKAY whoever needs to leave go and we can chat with the panelists if you want to stay, lol. So that felt good overall. I stayed and talked to DCFS guy about some random stuff since he had some time before going back to work since this was an official work sanctioned event for him, lol. So that was cool. When he headed out I switched over to the PAD office for a bit and did something on my computer for a little, I don't even remember what, before going to meet my LARC prof for our individual conference. It wasn't all that helpful because it tended to be just more generalized feedback, and like I know what I'm doing its just a matter of doing it in the form they want. But I got my argument section back and graded so between that and my graded trial brief I should have some good basis to go off when I finish off the appellate brief this weekend hopefully. That's the idea, anyway. After that I went back to school and was gonna go to the PAD office but instead found my spring break friend, summer job friend, and the girl who's gonna be the president of the child and family law group with me next semester chilling in one of the rooms, so I hung out with them and actually got around to reading most of the cases for crim pro tonight. It was nice, even if I still felt exhausted at the end of the day. And I ended up ordering Chinese food because I felt like it before class lol and they had these mango and shrimp egg rolls that are possibly the craziest and most amazing things I've ever tasted. Crim pro was fine, just went over the few cases, and I interjected two short comments on different aspects of police behavior and their consequences (one of which was in result of a wrongful conviction that was affirmed by the fucking Supreme Court before later getting DNA exonerated that besides this man spending so much of his life in prison, there was a fucking child rapist freely roaming the streets). She then told us about how she's gonna like speed through the rest of the cases at the next two classes, and then let us go at 6:45....? Idk, I feel like she wasn't prepared for them or something, although I've discovered when she recites the "facts" of the case she reads almost word for word off the quimbee briefs I've been looking at, lol. But hey, I'll take it. It was still rainy and gross so I tried the alternate route again but with slightly more anxiety this time because I don't like relying on buses at night because, basically, the suck. We end up getting off the train literally right as the bus is pulling up to the stop (like I saw the bus as soon as I got off the train and had to run down two flights of stairs to get to it) and I just made it but like the driver was being rude and I had to like, bang on the door when there were like 4 other people with me trying to get on.....like calm down lady it's not gonna kill you to wait another 2 seconds. So that kind of ticked me off but I was at least glad I caught the bus. Got home and decided to watch the episode of Blindspot that had pretty much just finished airing and OH BOY do I have feelings about this episode. I already did a massive Twitter rant about this (and I mean massive) so I'll just give you the highlights but between this plot and Chicago Justice's (both nbc shows, fyi) treatment of a foster kid earlier this week I had just about had it. The kind of plot Blindspot did tonight was awful because it adds to the idea that foster parents are bad people who are only in it for the money, and that is overwhelmingly false. Are there crappy foster parents in the system? Of course, I spent all of last semester tracking them down and getting the kids removed from their homes. But the vast, vast majority of foster parents are wonderful, loving people who are sacrificing so much for a child they may very well have to say goodbye to some day. And when we are already at such a critical shortage of foster parents, this kind of portrayal is so damaging to that image. It only serves to add more stigma to the idea of foster parents are being corrupt and "foster child" practically being synonymous with "problem child" in some peoples heads, another convention that needs to end. The whole thing just really, really got under my skin. I mean, I know better than anyone that this kind of shit (okay I mean, this was obviously an extreme example, but similar types of mistreatment I mean) does happen, but broadcasting it as one of a very few portrayals of foster parents most people are gonna see is damaging to the idea of being a foster parent and hurts the chance that they would consider being one in the future, and that's just such a major problem for me. I obviously have a lot of feelings about this, and I feel like I should find some higher up at nbc to write to about it, other than tagging the network's account in my Twitter rant. But yeah, the whole thing just really pissed me off. Other than that though, my only other comment on the episode was that I was really sad to see Nas go, even though I knew it was inevitable as soon as she got involved with Weller, because the show has made it abundantly clear that Kurt/Jane is endgame and anyone who interferes with that isn't gonna last. But I really couldn't give a crap about her and Kurt's romance or whatever, she was such a great character in so many other ways and such a fantastic leader that I'm sad to see her character leave. And I mean not all of this is coming from my adoration of Archie as an actress, but she really did a fantastic job with the character that I feel like the show will miss her a lot. Okay, so after that I actually got to watch designated survivor live, which I've only gotten to do a handful of times. And man, this episode was EXCELLENT. Like definitely one of the best episodes of television I've seen from an objective (not fandom based) viewpoint. Like just as a piece of art it was brilliantly done. Admittedly I didn't pay all that much attention to the B and C storylines of Hannah and Aaron's adventures, but they were solid in their own right. But the really just knocked it out of the park with Kirkman's A storyline, like holy shit we're seriously at the point where how can you not be rooting for this character? I loved seeing him prep for the town hall and trying to figure out what he should see and then him in that scene and just being so fucking brilliant. Everything he did in that scene was artistic perfection. I had very real tears running down my cheeks by the end of it, and I have a hard time believing anyone else could watch it and not be similarly emotionally affected (even if you don't cry). Like they used just the perfect amount of personal story worked in there without pushing one issue or over-milking a tragic storyline. Just watching him on that stage and speaking from his heart to that mother was just so incredibly beautiful and I'm sitting there thinking damn, I would give anything to have Tom Kirkman as our actual president right now, lol, I seriously think he would be doing so much better than the current joke of an administration we have. So yeah, obviously I was very impressed with the episode. Kiefer continues to be a spectacular actor, and just shines in this role because he is so very good at bringing out the intricacies of the character, his doubts and fears while still managing to remain a strong leader that the people can trust in a time of such horrific distress. But yeah, obviously very pleased there. And yeah, not long after that I started getting ready for bed and here we are, lol, although 2 hours slipped by somewhere in between (funny how that happens). Big girl job in the morning, and then I'm probably gonna find a Starbucks to chill out and work on my LARC assignment on until small group because I just don't have the physical or emotional energy to go to the kickboxing gym this week, though I have been continuing to do push ups during commercial breaks, so that's good at least lol. Okay I think I'm done here. Goodnight lovelies. Have a good sleep.

[letlhogonolotakesuclalaw]

Away, but living in home

For my grandmother who raised 5 children on a domestic salary

For my mother who raised me with money from her tuckshop and shebeen

For my aunt who raised me and her children on a nurse salary

For the womxn in my family, who raised communities on nothing

For the womxn in my family.

For the womxn in my life.

Your magic is enough to keep me going. 

 -       Letlhogonolo Mokgoroane

   It has already been month in AMERICA. Can you believe it? I can’t. Wait, I think I can. I have so many mixed feelings about this whole experience. A lot has happened in this month. I have moved into my place, I started classes, I have partied and I am meeting Black people and having some SOUL FOOD. But things haven’t also been so easy and filled with sunshine.  My time in LA has forcefully allowed me the opportunity and the space to do a lot of reflection, and this isn’t always great. You know why? I spend a lot of time in my head and the things that I come up with scare the living day lights out of me. And I am not even been dramatic, just real.

My time is LA has been largely a good experience – I haven’t cried as often as I thought I would and sometimes the crying was cathartic.  I really miss the familiarity of home. It sounds crazy but try coming to another country, where you don’t really understand the value of money and you can really use the exchange rate to determine the value of the dollar, where the products are unfamiliar to you and you spend most of your time in the stores trying to figure out whether this is a good brand for a reasonable price? I have no idea hey. I still don’t. Hopefully, in a few months, I will be an expert at determining the value of money in this country.  But you know what it’s not all bad. I have made friends here.  We went to Walmart, the other day, and it was amazing. Three floors of amazingly cheap things, lol, everything is cheaper here. Praise the Lord with me! Oooh, Glory Hallelujah!

I have also experienced immerse loneliness here and it is not the lack of people. I think it comes with moving to a different country and feeling like an outsider, in the literal sense of the word. I’ve got people saying: “ You’ve got a cute accent” and such a beautiful name, even though they don’t know what my name means.  Last week was an incredibly difficult week for me. I felt inadequate and all the adjectives that can describe the feeling of unworthiness. I am not too certain where all these feelings come from and its sucks, but I am feeling better today and that counts for something, right?  Why am I feeling better? Perhaps it is because it is getting easier, it’s really not. I’ve tapped into my support structure, my tribe. I have had a few conversations and crying session with my friends. I have asked them questions like: What am I doing here? Why did I think I could do this? Who am I to think that I am capable of doing this? And other depressing questions. But I received no answer. I am the only one who can answer these questions. It really sucks. Growing up is not as fun as I thought it would be, to be honest. However, I am glad that I have people who have allowed me the space to feel. I think that sometimes when people are doing what others may consider amazing things, a lot is expected from these people – a common expectation is that these people must always live their best life, because you know it is such a great opportunity, you have no space or time to feel anything that is akin to sadness. You can’t be. I want to tell you that this a huge lie. A fallacy really. While I am very grateful for this amazing opportunity. I am also mindful of the fact that I’ve left the country of my birth – where I’ve lived for all my life – to take up temporary residence in another country. Another continent really. This move and transition is hardly easy, it will be filled with moments of sadness, homesickness and loneliness. So, if you are reading this and you’ve felt that you aren’t allowed to feel sad because it may come across as ungrateful. I would like you to remind this: you are a humxn being who is allowed to feel the full spectrum of feelings, but don’t let them consume you. I know it is easier said than done.  Last week, I found myself having to will myself out of bed because I wasn’t feeling deserving enough to be here. This is always hard for me, feeling deserving of things.  It is hard to accept words that affirm me and remind me that I have worked hard to be here. I have been so familiar with rejection, self-loathing and other horrors – that those things have become my truth. But I am learning to speaking a new language – a language that says I am deserving, capable and worthy.  I need to repeat these to myself every now and then until it is not only head knowledge but it becomes truth that permeates into my heart. Okay, enough about all these somber talk. All I want to say is allow yourself to feel but don’t let it rob you of your joy, too many things do that already.

I started classes two weeks ago. It has been glorious. The courses that I am taking this fall include (1) Critical Race Theory taught by Professor Cheryl Harris (a slaying Kween). She is absolutely amazing. I must admit that I may be a little obsessed with her. Her mind is incredible. Not that I am trying to justify my obsession but I think it comes from never being taught by a Black womxn before.   And this Black womxn is a serving intellectual Kween.  In 1993, she wrote a journal article entitled: Whiteness as Property, which is still be quoted today. Just last week, she was used as a reference in an article in the New York Times.  My other courses are (2) Race Conscious Remedies (She teaches this as well. Ya’ll need to praise the Lord for me!), (3) Human Rights and Sexual Politics and (3) Problem Solving in the Public Interest.

(First day with Prof Cheryl Harris, I promise to take a Seflie with her soon)

While I am talking about Black womxn, I have found myself an amazing cohort of slaying and serving Kweens, who are enrolled in the J.D Program (American law degree).  These womxn have given me such life. There are all from different parts of the country. It has been amazing to connect and get to know them. They are smart, funny, beautiful and vibrant.  

 I have also joined Black Law Student Association (BLSA). It has been an interesting learning experience. Blackness in America and South Africa are very different.  But one thing, I have learnt from hanging out in this circle and connecting with my people (yes, my people. You heard me right, lol) is that black love – in any context – is political, radical, and necessary. In some ways, it can also be freeing.  I am excited to learn more from the people who make up this association.

Some of my highlights include going to Inglewood (a predominately Black neighbourhood) and seeing black people in their numbers.  We went to Sweet pies – a famous restaurant that sells Southern Food aka “SOUL FOOD”. The food was great – it reminded me of home.  I think for my survival I will need to go there once a month, to connect, try every dish and enjoy blackness in its fullness. I am yet to go and find the apartment block that Issa lives in in INSECURE, don’t worry, I will take pictures -  you know how extra I am.   Hopefully soon I will be writing about all the celebrities that I have seen, but for now we live in home.

[chaotickidcat]

true...but what if your such white fucking trash garbage and do not deserve her? And that you know that your such a piece of shit and no one deserves you or the BS. So how can somebody love a piece of shit not worth anything but shit 24/7. Would love to change and that for a while now. I stopped coke and porn and would love to fully stop drinking and smoking but I simply can't I need help and willing to accept help since i really would love to change and make her happy she deserves to be happy every minute of the day. And even if the whole fucking Internet hates me I acctually do not give a shit about your diss Orgy here. I Love her...and I really do ! Ok true Boobs are negotiable and if you realy love your wife you woulden't want her to run around with 2160cc.. but I admid I love big tits the bigger the better. I do not understand the problem here and that the WWW is trying to make me feel guilty. I see it this way I respect everybody's sexual Orientation if Gay Trans what so ever! You can have your little 19 years old boyfirend with 65 who cares...! (not ok with pedos though) you can have objectophilia and love the Busstation or your favorite tree or your VIBE. I think if I can bring up the respect and the tolerance so can you and I do not think it's asked to much if you expect something from me to at least give the same in return. I admid I love her breast... there are countless Men out there who dream of having such a wife. I NEVER FORCED her to do this NEVER ! I said I cold live with it and also without since we got a TON of PORNStars out there in the WEB. No my wife said she is not happy that I watch porn sometimes and I admid the truth the whole coke was messing this up big time aswell..true. I asked her since several weeks if she really wants to spend that cash on the tits. I said lets do your USA trip instead and if you feel like doing your boobs we can see Dr Revis and than still have more than 1/2 of the cash we spend on Dr Plovier. My wife was telling me she had pain in hr right breast so an OP was acctually inevitable. I asked her if she would like to reduce her breast instead..she said no. She even insisted and said I love em and I am used to them it would feel like she would miss something. So we decided together so see Dr Plovier since he is europes leading expert in this field of expertise. She decided to go and even came up with nearly 18.000 euros we spend on that trip and I have my doubts where the money came from. Now I acctually even refused going and said we should not do that its too much money. I love you with or with out tits and I really do. Some dreams shoud simply stay dreams. I even refused to go with her to Belgium and said let's not do it and if you still want to go on your own than take your friend mdm Garcia with you fo rtranslating. I even offerd her to take care of all her expenses if she would go. This totally broke out into a serious discussion. I said I prefer you to stay the way you are now than having all the men in this World trying to take you from me. I do not wanted to loose her. Though I admid I said... since your always complaining about housework and me gaming she would have the perfect Arguments do anything she asked me for and I mean who the fuck would want to play  Sony Playstation or WOW if she says .. hunney please could you ..Hell I would and I would run. Yes. So now after the Surgery. I asked her everyday like at least several hundred times if she is ok if she can handle it because if not we are still in Belgium and he can do them smaller. I seriously did evryday. I said we can call the Surgens office and simply decrese the volume since that is perfectly do able with expanders thats what they are made for. If too big you can simply decrese volume within in minutes with no further surgery. She denied the whole week. and she really did not want to. I admid I feelt a bit guilty but I was also totally hyped by her breasts and let my self a bit go on Twitter but I asked her if she is ok with it she said yes. And well She got me there with you guys for the 1k likes eventhough that no number compared to pine subs and Likes and views. I married her at the time in a real bad situation it was raining ... really pooring shit down on us from her ex for nearly 6 years. The Kids have been traumatised and that far far more that what ever you guy's say I did. I mean there father pushed it so far that they had to go into Childcustody and that was not because of me! I was not parrent yet ... I was simply ..voila... there you go now handle it! I had no fucking clue about parenting at the time and tryed to help and that made things even worse. But when ever I had to take the fall for her due to her Ex italien boyfriend (and boy! they can be far more exhausting than any White trash Daddy on this planet AMEN.) The Kids are not easy aswell and every week for over years.. seriously years I had to start over bulding up the relationship to them. Again and again and again...rinse and repeat and I did. Usually you grow into parenting and you're usually not just getting haveing 4 Kids and everything instantly but I love her and said I do my best and try hard. That's all I was able to do . I really meant it in a good way and wanted to help her since 4 Kids for singel mother is very though to handle.     Now my wife wished for Persephone another child it was the deepest wish from her heart...so I gave in to do the artificial fertilization procedure several times aswell. No husband who loves his wife woud say no to her biggest wish from her heart. Right?! So now I was really excited and also shit scared and paniced a couple of times..true. But I was at one point not able to cope with the whole situation anymore. Now... when I moved in with her I stopped coke at the time coz of her kids..thats true..but it's stilla major brainfuck sometimes if this little voice inside of you talks to you. So I did not even know anybody to get it from in the new town  I moved in with her . I swear its the truth since I really wanted to help her and really loved her and if I have to climb down the biggest Swiss Mountain in Town for her.. I would do it and litterally did it... and I would do it again. Anytime. So now the Mountain I am facing at the moment is bigger than anything else I had to handle before and I will take time... I am incapeable to change over night eventhough I wished I could. My depressions and my my constant fear to loose her just is totally messed up and emotionally its a hard fight with myself. Love is worse than drugs sometimes I makes you do things you probably would never do otherwise. And due to my emotional disorder (hey everbody got his handycap at one point so dont give me shit for that please. I was born with this disorder I did not choose to have it. Now I am not really sure if I should thank the Internet for this wake up call or give in into my depressions again. I am not sure yet I will have to sleep over it. So now since she removed the Implants and you have Posted the Photos... Now I would like to know one last thing?! If she already had a new Boyfriend and he moved in with her since a couple of month and lives with her.. than why the hell did she do the augmentation and She new exactly what she was doing. She could have said no. She could have at any given time tell the nurses or Dr Plovier that she would only like to minimal increase of even dercease since she was complaining about pain in her chest. Now the pain in her chest did not come from the implants themselfs... DR Plovier told me we where lucky to come and see him since if it would have gotten worse she would have lost her breast and this is due to cheap surgery done in Serbia. And hell believe me ... I was totally not ok with serbia since she wanted to do the T cut and that would def. made her unhappy in long term: I mean its about beeing well and feeling better and butcher her Breast in a Warzone Sugery room form the beginning 80's. SHe wanted and insisted to do it since it was affordable and her friend Dijana was with that surgeon aswell. She really insited to do it with me or without me. That's the response I got from her at the time. I really want to set things straight here .. I have never forced anything... it was her desicion and she wanted to do it and even got this hughe amount of money for it. Me and my hardcore Alcoholic Prof. friend both told her... to do the USA trip instead she always wished for and we take the kids along and stay a couple of weeks. It would fullfill her 2nd biggest dream after Persephone. So as I mentioned before... i would never say no to her dreams and always support them. Since you shoud live your dreams right?! Both the Prof and her argued that ist not possible with covid to travel through the US and my wife wanted to go to Belgium. I repeat never ever forced anything or her to do anything she is not ok with. I am a piece of shit yes and do not deserve her yes but eventhough I got Limits. Very hard for you guys to undderstand that now and to believe but it's the truth. So now... since the Situation is clear and she already lives with her new boyfriend since month and left me piece of scumbag Whitetrash and with your Super Internet pintree fiasco Shitstorm or let's call it Whitetrashstorm and..though yes I appreciate your help and the fucking wake up call bell you guys just simply smashed down on my head.. which I agree I totally deserve... But since this country is smaller than and has less Citizens than ANY of your Pinetree accounts you so surepass the 8million views and I am Nationwide Nr 2 BIGGEST LOOSER WHITETRASH Example exisiting now besides the Ideot who did the Swiss Porn Snychornisation... I will not find a Job that easy anymore. So since chris clun did brillant work... a bit exagurated at times but it's still funny and yes ..I really translated all the 1600 videos.. I really did. So now the whole World tells me to move my ass..I can not afford going back to IT school eventhough I would really want to graduate and I know that I am capable to do it .. I came untill the Finalexam but did not have the required apprenticeship in an IT comapany and therefore got got accepted with turned out me bing drunk and fucking shit up even worse  and even if my Mother said I have Math problems ..(which I acctually do not but simply didn't give a shit in Highschool about Calculus Class) am missing the cash and I will not be able to get a Job in that field that easyl but I will take my chances and try best since I have to come up with child support now and will face a Divorce... So now hear me cry... LOUD! I lost my CHILD (this hurts me very badly and giving birth to a 5 child to grow up with out Father was my greates fear ..Since I really did not have an trational Dad aswell..teaching you how to drill or see you play at a golf tournament. Or give me the needed drill..and holy shit yes.. he maybe should have kicked my lazzy ass HARDER !!! But unfortuneatly I had no opputunity and not the Luck and yes fucked up childhood. My father was working to provide my Mother the most Luxury lifestyle ever ! My Mother lived a Life back in the day shoud would have been most famous Instagram HIgh socity lady exisiting and it was easyier so send me to bording school with emotinal disorder in an Bording School and the only currency  in that Private School at that time was cocain and bitches.(Danke Ari das Du mich mit diesem scheiss Zeug angesteckt hast) The ritch Russian guy's where the only Opportunity to tripple my pocket money at the time wich was moderate but not exaggurated. I mean 100 bucks Week in Switzerland is like nothing. I could barely pay my Cigarrets with this money but no chance for out of plan Socialactivity like spending time with School friends in a Pub if I could not afford my Pepsi. Furhtermoe I would like to mention that I never drunk Alcohol not even wine or beer or whats so ever untill my 30th Brithday. My parents know that ! It all started with my Prof totally loosing it with his wife at the time and bascially lived with me for nearly 1 year, he simplay always was around. And he startet to drink exessively and since I concidered him my best friend at the time.. I played along to not let my only bro down. So now this drinking smoking and coking up to help him since he was a total wrack at the time.. useless unable to work things even got worse not able sitt straigh beeing so brainfucked by his Wife.. it was simply overkill for him. Now the drinking becaume somehow slightly and unknowingly a habit..it kind of sneaked in our lives without us even really realising and that's really bad because its not easy to to quit an habit once it's becamme a comman standard. I alwys feelt guilty for him to be honest and last Week when he came over for a visit he was drunk with in 15min I mean totally not even able to hold an conversation and man ..thats so sad. You did not see your friend for a while and are not able to talk with him its like instant drunk and usually he hurst himself in that state or passed out in the wild some where and that hurts me. Really it does. I seriously do not drink if he comes for a visit to be prepaired for the wort csae scenario. My Wife knows that.   I lost my family !!! I lost the Love of my Life !!! and I Lost my dignety and my life in Switzerland. I lost all my friends!!! I am Isolated due to beeing a piece of shit !!! Eventhough... I still resisted to take any drugs today since I kinda feelt shit is coming GREAT AGAIN. And my Fear of loosing her and my familiy made me really jealouse and jealousy... drives me sheer mad...insane. It's the most difficult Emotion for me to handle and the more I tried so set things in the right way again and fought for her Love the more it seperated us. And I am not able to handle this like apperently the wohle fucking World can and is soo easy .. but for me ..it is not. It's the hardest thing ever since that's what triggers my Voice telling me do return to old bad habits. It is a vicious cicle and is the most powerfull Deamon inside of me to fight with. NOW .. THE WHOLE FUCKING WEB tells me to move my bloody whitetrash ass and...just do it... But with the Divorce and the emotional stress coming with it.. again is the perfect condition again to drop back into old habits. It's very hard to break this Cicle and will be extremly challenging and will have serious side effects but who cares I am totally fucked up a bit more or less will not matter in my condition at the moment...right?! Emotionally I seriously doubt that I can change over or the next couple of weeks. I will though offically promise to do my best and try as hard as I can to work on me and my whitetrashflixmyvista little white Kartoffel boy ass and already made a little progress it's not much but hey..you got to take the first Step and everything starts with the first Step. Now please ...tell me why did my wife do the Surgery if she did not wanted to do it and already lives with a new Boyfriend together since month wihtou me knowing, We could have spared us the money and all the emotinal bullshit and this Shitstorm. all the lies and all furious outbreaks beeing scared to loose her... since hope dies last right? Maybe the situation would not be that fucked up as it is now. And my child growing up with a different dad.. I wish her and my child and her familie all the best and really hope that she finally get a good man who is capable of what i am sheer uncapable. My Exwife deserves it. The only thing I ASK TO YOU ALL... are 2 things... 1) Please tell my daughter that her Father really loves her and it's not her fault. And that I am very very sorry form the deepest bottom of my heart. I will never be able to make this up to her so please give my wife an helping hand and my Child. and 2) Guy's  I know I have to change myself and work hard on me and I know nobody can do this for me...but eventhough the WHOLE WEB hates me knwo and I am branded as Whitetrashdaddy world wide NR 1 (which is accutally quite a title compared to couple of rednecks and Hillbillys out there) I would appreciate a little help here. Yes flame me destroy my Life even more than I did untill now... But I really want to change but I could use a helping hand here...and hey no matter my mistaked and how hard they are... even me the biggest European Whitetrash Kartoffel piece of shit dirtbag...deserves a 2nd chance to set things straight and to be able to pay my child support. She at least ... deserves it. Now I am very sorry and I am very touched and hey thank you for the wakeup call..extrem people need extrem measures right. I hope that at least partially all of you in the WEB and my Exwife can forgive me.. I never had bad intensions towards her or any of you. For those you can not forgive me...fuck you !!! 2160xtimes !!! Do your meams... and do what you got to do and flood the net with my pathetic letter here. Do what you got to do...I deserve it and will take it like a man. But please be moderate and keep my disorder in your thoughts...please do not push it that far that I will do something incredible stupid. My child deserves a Father eventhough if I am shit and incapeble at the moment. I keep faith in that one day I will be able to be a good Father for her. Now thank you all for your time reading this. And hey I've ever somebody is willing to writ a book about how Hardcore Swiss Pirvate Bording Schools have been thoughtout the 90's..let me know I got stroy's to tell better than any Hollywood movie. The crazziest shit always happens in real life any maybe it's good warning for Parents to rethink and not do the same mistakes my Parents did. Thank you.

[chaotickidcat]

True… but what if your such white fucking trash garbage and do not deserve her? And that you know that your such a piece of shit and no one deserves you or the BS. So how can somebody love a piece of shit not worth anything but shit 24/7. Would love to change and that for a while now. I stopped coke and porn and would love to fully stop drinking and smoking but I simply can't I need help and willing to accept help since i really would love to change and make her happy she deserves to be happy every minute of the day. And even if the whole fucking Internet hates me I acctually do not give a shit about your diss Orgy here. I Love her...and I really do ! Ok true Boobs are negotiable and if you realy love your wife you woulden't want her to run around with 2160cc.. but I admid I love big tits the bigger the better. I do not understand the problem here and that the WWW is trying to make me feel guilty. I see it this way I respect everybody's sexual Orientation if Gay Trans what so ever! You can have your little 19 years old boyfirend with 65 who cares...! (not ok with pedos though) you can have objectophilia and love the Busstation or your favorite tree or your VIBE. I think if I can bring up the respect and the tolerance so can you and I do not think it's asked to much if you expect something from me to at least give the same in return. I admid I love her breast... there are countless Men out there who dream of having such a wife. I NEVER FORCED her to do this NEVER ! I said I cold live with it and also without since we got a TON of PORNStars out there in the WEB. No my wife said she is not happy that I watch porn sometimes and I admid the truth the whole coke was messing this up big time aswell..true. I asked her since several weeks if she really wants to spend that cash on the tits. I said lets do your USA trip instead and if you feel like doing your boobs we can see Dr Revis and than still have more than 1/2 of the cash we spend on Dr Plovier. My wife was telling me she had pain in hr right breast so an OP was acctually inevitable. I asked her if she would like to reduce her breast instead..she said no. She even insisted and said I love em and I am used to them it would feel like she would miss something. So we decided together so see Dr Plovier since he is europes leading expert in this field of expertise. She decided to go and even came up with nearly 18.000 euros we spend on that trip and I have my doubts where the money came from. Now I acctually even refused going and said we should not do that its too much money. I love you with or with out tits and I really do. Some dreams shoud simply stay dreams. I even refused to go with her to Belgium and said let's not do it and if you still want to go on your own than take your friend mdm Garcia with you fo rtranslating. I even offerd her to take care of all her expenses if she would go. This totally broke out into a serious discussion. I said I prefer you to stay the way you are now than having all the men in this World trying to take you from me. I do not wanted to loose her. Though I admid I said... since your always complaining about housework and me gaming she would have the perfect Arguments do anything she asked me for and I mean who the fuck would want to play  Sony Playstation or WOW if she says .. hunney please could you ..Hell I would and I would run. Yes. So now after the Surgery. I asked her everyday like at least several hundred times if she is ok if she can handle it because if not we are still in Belgium and he can do them smaller. I seriously did everyday. I said we can Call the Surgens Office and simply decrese the volume since that is perfectly able to do with expanders thats what they are made for. If too big you can simply decrese volume within in minutes with no further surgery. She denied the whole week. and she really did not want to. I admid I feelt a bit guilty but I was also totally hyped by her breasts and let my self a bit go on Twitter but I asked her if she is ok with it she said yes. And well She got me there with you guys for the 1k likes eventhough that no number compared to pine subs and Likes and views. I married her at the time in a real bad situation it was raining ... really pooring shit down on us from her ex for nearly 6 years. The Kids have been traumatised and that far far more that what ever you guy's say I did. I mean there father pushed it so far that they had to go into Childcustody and that was not because of me! I was not parrent yet ... I was simply ..voila... there you go now handle it! I had no fucking clue about parenting at the time and tryed to help and that made things even worse. But when ever I had to take the fall for her due to her Ex italien boyfriend (and boy! they can be far more exhausting than any White trash Daddy on this planet AMEN.) The Kids are not easy aswell and every week for over years.. seriously years I had to start over bulding up the relationship to them. Again and again and again...rinse and repeat and I did. Usually you grow into parenting and you're usually not just getting haveing 4 Kids and everything instantly but I love her and said I do my best and try hard. That's all I was able to do . I really meant it in a good way and wanted to help her since 4 Kids for singel mother is very though to handle.     Now my wife wished for Persephone another child it was the deepest wish from her heart...so I gave in to do the artificial fertilization procedure several times aswell. No husband who loves his wife woud say no to her biggest wish from her heart. Right?! So now I was really excited and also shit scared and paniced a couple of times..true. But I was at one point not able to cope with the whole situation anymore. Now... when I moved in with her I stopped coke at the time coz of her kids..thats true..but it's stilla major brainfuck sometimes if this little voice inside of you talks to you. So I did not even know anybody to get it from in the new town  I moved in with her . I swear its the truth since I really wanted to help her and really loved her and if I have to climb down the biggest Swiss Mountain in Town for her.. I would do it and litterally did it... and I would do it again. Anytime. So now the Mountain I am facing at the moment is bigger than anything else I had to handle before and I will take time... I am incapeable to change over night eventhough I wished I could. My depressions and my my constant fear to loose her just is totally messed up and emotionally its a hard fight with myself. Love is worse than drugs sometimes I makes you do things you probably would never do otherwise. And due to my emotional disorder ( hey everbody got his handycap at one point so dont give me shit for that please. I was born with this disorder I did not choose to have it. Now I am not really sure if I should thank the Internet for this wake up call or give in into my depressions again. I am not sure yet I will have to sleep over it. So now since she removed the Implants and you have Posted the Photos... Now I would like to know one last thing?! If she already had a new Boyfriend and he moved in with her since a couple of month and lives with her.. than why the hell did she do the augmentation and She new exactly what she was doing. She could have said no. She could have at any given time tell the nurses or Dr Plovier that she would only like to minimal increase of even dercease since she was complaining about pain in her chest. Now the pain in her chest did not come from the implants themselfs... DR Plovier told me we where lucky to come and see him since if it would have gotten worse she would have lost her breast and this is due to cheap surgery done in Serbia. And hell believe me ... I was totally not ok with serbia since she wanted to do the T cut and that would def. made her unhappy in long term: I mean its about beeing well and feeling better and butcher her Breast in a Warzone Sugery room form the beginning 80's. SHe wanted and insisted to do it since it was affordable and her friend Dijana was with that surgeon aswell. She really insited to do it with me or without me. That's the response I got from her at the time. I really want to set things straight here .. I have never forced anything... it was her desicion and she wanted to do it and even got this hughe amount of money for it. Me and my hardcore Alcoholic Prof. friend both told her... to do the USA trip instead she always wished for and we take the kids along and stay a couple of weeks. It would fullfill her 2nd biggest dream after Persephone. So as I mentioned before... i would never say no to her dreams and always support them. Since you shoud live your dreams right?! Both the Prof and her argued that ist not possible with covid to travel through the US and my wife wanted to go to Belgium. I repeat never ever forced anything or her to do anything she is not ok with. I am a piece of shit yes and do not deserve her yes but eventhough I got Limits. Very hard for you guys to undderstand that now and to believe but it's the truth. So now... since the Situation is clear and she already lives with her new boyfriend since month and left me piece of scumbag Whitetrash and with your Super Internet pintree fiasco Shitstorm or let's call it Whitetrashstorm and..though yes I appreciate your help and the fucking wake up call bell you guys just simply smashed down on my head.. which I agree I totally deserve... But since this country is smaller than and has less Citizens than ANY of your Pinetree accounts you so surepass the 8million views and I am Nationwide Nr 2 BIGGEST LOOSER WHITETRASH Example exisiting now besides the Ideot who did the Swiss Porn Snychornisation... I will not find a Job that easy anymore. So since chris clun did brillant work... a bit exagurated at times but it's still funny and yes ..I really translated all the 1600 videos.. I really did. So now the whole World tells me to move my ass..I can not afford going back to IT school eventhough I would really want to graduate and I know that I am capable to do it .. I came untill the Finalexam but did not have the required apprenticeship in an IT comapany and therefore got got accepted with turned out me bing drunk and fucking shit up even worse  and even if my Mother said I have Math problems ..(which I acctually do not but simply didn't give a shit in Highschool about Calculus Class) am missing the cash and I will not be able to get a Job in that field that easyl but I will take my chances and try best since I have to come up with child support now and will face a Divorce... So now hear me cry... LOUD! I lost my CHILD (this hurts me very badly and giving birth to a 5 child to grow up with out Father was my greates fear ..Since I really did not have an trational Dad aswell..teaching you how to drill or see you play at a golf tournament. Or give me the needed drill..and holy shit yes.. he maybe should have kicked my lazzy ass HARDER !!! But unfortuneatly I had no opputunity and not the Luck and yes fucked up childhood. My father was working to provide my Mother the most Luxury lifestyle ever ! My Mother lived a Life back in the day shoud would have been most famous Instagram HIgh socity lady exisiting and it was easyier so send me to bording school with emotinal disorder in an Bording School and the only currency  in that Private School at that time was cocain and bitches.(Danke Ari das Du mich mit diesem scheiss Zeug angesteckt hast) The ritch Russian guy's where the only Opportunity to tripple my pocket money at the time wich was moderate but not exaggurated. I mean 100 bucks Week in Switzerland is like nothing. I could barely pay my Cigarrets with this money but no chance for out of plan Socialactivity like spending time with School friends in a Pub if I could not afford my Pepsi. Furhtermoe I would like to mention that I never drunk Alcohol not even wine or beer or whats so ever untill my 30th Brithday. My parents know that ! It all started with my Prof totally loosing it with his wife at the time and bascially lived with me for nearly 1 year, he simplay always was around. And he startet to drink exessively and since I concidered him my best friend at the time.. I played along to not let my only bro down. So now this drinking smoking and coking up to help him since he was a total wrack at the time.. useless unable to work things even got worse not able sitt straigh beeing so brainfucked by his Wife.. it was simply overkill for him. Now the drinking becaume somehow slightly and unknowingly a habit..it kind of sneaked in our lives without us even really realising and that's really bad because its not easy to to quit an habit once it's becamme a comman standard. I alwys feelt guilty for him to be honest and last Week when he came over for a visit he was drunk with in 15min I mean totally not even able to hold an conversation and man ..thats so sad. You did not see your friend for a while and are not able to talk with him its like instant drunk and usually he hurst himself in that state or passed out in the wild some where and that hurts me. Really it does. I seriously do not drink if he comes for a visit to be prepaired for the wort csae scenario. My Wife knows that.   I lost my family !!! I lost the Love of my Life !!! and I Lost my dignety and my life in Switzerland. I lost all my friends!!! I am Isolated due to beeing a piece of shit !!! Eventhough... I still resisted to take any drugs today since I kinda feelt shit is coming GREAT AGAIN. And my Fear of loosing her and my familiy made me really jealouse and jealousy... drives me sheer mad...insane. It's the most difficult Emotion for me to handle and the more I tried so set things in the right way again and fought for her Love the more it seperated us. And I am not able to handle this like apperently the wohle fucking World can and is soo easy .. but for me ..it is not. It's the hardest thing ever since that's what triggers my Voice telling me do return to old bad habits. It is a vicious cicle and is the most powerfull Deamon inside of me to fight with. NOW .. THE WHOLE FUCKING WEB tells me to move my bloody whitetrash ass and...just do it... But with the Divorce and the emotional stress coming with it.. again is the perfect condition again to drop back into old habits. It's very hard to break this Cicle and will be extremly challenging and will have serious side effects but who cares I am totally fucked up a bit more or less will not matter in my condition at the moment...right?! Emotionally I seriously doubt that I can change over or the next couple of weeks. I will though offically promise to do my best and try as hard as I can to work on me and my whitetrashflixmyvista little white Kartoffel boy ass and already made a little progress it's not much but hey..you got to take the first Step and everything starts with the first Step. Now please ...tell me why did my wife do the Surgery if she did not wanted to do it and already lives with a new Boyfriend together since month wihtou me knowing, We could have spared us the money and all the emotinal bullshit and this Shitstorm. all the lies and all furious outbreaks beeing scared to loose her... since hope dies last right? Maybe the situation would not be that fucked up as it is now. And my child growing up with a different dad.. I wish her and my child and her familie all the best and really hope that she finally get a good man who is capable of what i am sheer uncapable. My Exwife deserves it. The only thing I ASK TO YOU ALL... are 2 things... 1) Please tell my daughter that her Father really loves her and it's not her fault. And that I am very very sorry form the deepest bottom of my heart. I will never be able to make this up to her so please give my wife an helping hand and my Child. and 2) Guy's  I know I have to change myself and work hard on me and I know nobody can do this for me...but eventhough the WHOLE WEB hates me knwo and I am branded as Whitetrashdaddy world wide NR 1 (which is accutally quite a title compared to couple of rednecks and Hillbillys out there) I would appreciate a little help here. Yes flame me destroy my Life even more than I did untill now... But I really want to change but I could use a helping hand here...and hey no matter my mistaked and how hard they are... even me the biggest European Whitetrash Kartoffel piece of shit dirtbag...deserves a 2nd chance to set things straight and to be able to pay my child support. She at least ... deserves it. Now I am very sorry and I am very touched and hey thank you for the wakeup call..extrem people need extrem measures right. I hope that at least partially all of you in the WEB and my Exwife can forgive me.. I never had bad intensions towards her or any of you. For those you can not forgive me...fuck you !!! 2160xtimes !!! Do your meams... and do what you got to do and flood the net with my pathetic letter here. Do what you got to do...I deserve it and will take it like a man. But please be moderate and keep my disorder in your thoughts...please do not push it that far that I will do something incredible stupid. My child deserves a Father eventhough if I am shit and incapeble at the moment. I keep faith in that one day I will be able to be a good Father for her. Now thank you all for your time reading this. And hey I've ever somebody is willing to writ a book about how Hardcore Swiss Pirvate Bording Schools have been thoughtout the 90's..let me know I got stroy's to tell better than any Hollywood movie. The crazziest shit always happens in real life any maybe it's good warning for Parents to rethink and not do the same mistakes my Parents did. Thank you.