#i always felt i must look better in the rearview

[jonismitchell]

excellent fun till you get to know her is one of the saddest lyrics on the album

[sapphiredhearts-a]

oc tags

[cxrrodedcoffin]

Close to You - Spencer Reid

Likes are always appreciated but reblogs and feedback keep artists going!

Summary: Spencer is needy and Reader has a work deadline to meet, so they try something new as a compromise.

Word Count: 1.9k

A/N: me writing another cockwarming fic? it’s more likely than you’d think ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (no mommy kink this time cuz this feels more mild as far as the sub/dom dynamic goes, maybe next time!)

TW: sub!spencer, softdom!reader, cockwarming, unprotected sex, penetrative sex, creampie, afab reader

Rating: R/18+ (oops all smut)

——

The blue light of your computer screen was starting to make your eyes hurt, the hours of completed paperwork in your rearview feeling like nothing compared to the digital mountain of remaining work for your proposal you still had to complete by the deadline your boss had given you. Working from home certainly had its perks, but right now the only thing you could think of was how much more focused you’d be if you were still in an office.

“How’s work going?” Spencer’s voice broke your train of thought as he turned the corner into your home office.

“It’s fine, I still have a lot to get done.” You sighed, continuing to type away on your keyboard.

“You know, I was reading an article the other day about studies being conducted that explore the long term effects the extended work hours work-from-home jobs require have on the average adult, it went pretty in-depth on how psychologists suspect the lack of separation between work and the home environment can negatively affect the way we prioritize professional work with personal tasks and quality time.” You could tell your boy-wonder was using his vast knowledge to pick an article with a topic that was a bit too on the nose to beat around the bush of his point, but you didn’t know why.

“That’s very interesting Spencer, but why bring that up when you know I can’t stop working?” You questioned, calling his bluff.

“We haven’t had sex in 2 weeks.” He mumbled, just loud enough for you to hear. You knew that, and it was driving you crazy just as much as it was him, but this project was major and if you wanted to get the promotion you had been working so hard to get, you had to set your personal needs aside for a bit.

“I’ll make it up to you once I finish this, I promise.” You weren’t lying, your accidental celibacy had stretched your imagination to some very interesting places, and you couldn’t wait to try those new things with him, but it had to wait, no matter how touch-starved you felt.

“I want you.” He almost whined, taking a couple steps further into your peripheral vision.

“Spencer, you know I need to get this project completed before my deadline tomorrow, I don’t have time for this.”

“But I need…help.” His words were drawn out, his hushed tone piquing your interest. You pushed your chair out, craning your neck to make eye contact with him before his gaze dipped lower and yours followed. The fabric of his pajama pants was pulled taut over his bulge, his fidgeting hands barely restricting your view despite his attempt to hide the evidence of his arousal behind them.

“Oh baby, that must hurt, huh?” You sighed, giving him a sympathetic look before turning back to your work.

“It does, I need you.” He pleaded, coming up behind you to rest his hands on your shoulders.

“You need to take care of it yourself.” Your statement came out more blunt than you intended and a hint of guilt started to pang in your chest, the stress of this deadline was starting to get to you and you didn’t mean to take it out on him.

“I’m sorry to bother you, I know you’re busy, but I already tried and I just made it worse, you feel so much better than my hand does.” He over-explained, continuing to plead his case as his fingers started kneading the sore muscles atop your shoulders.

You mulled over your options, the concept of his admittedly impressive cock filling your neglected cunt sounding all-too appealing in the moment. You knew you couldn’t take the time to fuck him right now, after no sex for two weeks your carnal urges would absolutely take over and you’d wind up ignoring your work for the rest of the night, to the detriment of your employment status. You were about to send him away when an idea popped into your head, something that could be a good compromise to both of your predicaments if done correctly.

“Drop your pants.” You bluntly stated, beginning to stand from your chair. He followed your instruction, a bit confused but too excited to question, always eager to please you. You also stripped from the waist down, ignoring the growing slick between your thighs.

“Sit down.” Came your next instruction, your eyes fixed on his erection, his head blushed pink and dripping with precum. When he was situated you climbed back onto the chair with him, positioning your knees on the suede fabric on either side of his thighs, hips hovering over his member. You reached down, fingers wrapping around his length as you positioned his head at your dripping entrance, reveling in the first sexual contact the two of you had experienced in far too long.

You slowly sank down, your warm walls engulfing his throbbing cock until you were seated fully on his lap, the fullness giving you a sense of satisfaction. Spencer’s breathy sighs and white-knuckled grip on the arms of the chair told you he was enjoying this just as much as you were, but you knew he would want more any second. You on the other hand were always better at controlling your desires, even just this level of intimacy enough to satiate you for the moment.

You relaxed into him, back pressed to his chest as you began your work once again, ignoring the dull ache in your core.

“A-are you going to move?” Spencer’s desperate voice broke the silence after a few minutes of you typing away at your computer.

“No. This is all I have time to give you right now. If you’re a good boy and stay still for me, I’ll let you do whatever you want tonight.” You were curious to see how well he’d do with this. Even though Spencer prided himself on being the smartest in the room at any given time, he wasn’t very good at controlling his urges and it amused you how his composure could disappear if he was desperate enough, particularly around you.

“Okay.” He breathed, seeing the muscles in his arms relax and the grip he held on the chair loosen out of the corner of your eye.

You continued your work, busting your ass to complete your project as quickly as possible. Every once and awhile you’d flex your kegel muscles, your walls contracting around his cock to keep him as hard as possible, teasing him to see how hard you could push his patience.

You grew closer to your last tasks, the end finally in sight when you felt him start to shift under you, hips attempting to thrust up into you. You anchored your hips, holding him down to not break your focus. He let out the most pathetic whine you’d ever heard, running his hand through his hair out of frustration.

“If you move again, you won’t cum tonight. I’m almost done, do not distract me again.” You told him sternly, rocking your hips back one time as an incentive.

“Understood.” He groaned, thighs relaxing beneath you.

You wrapped up the last paragraph of your proposal, satisfied with the work you had done. You could feel Spencer tense when you closed out of the last application and shut off the computer, screen darkening and leaving the two of you bathed in the golden glow of sunset in an otherwise dark room. Instead of finishing him there, you rose off of him, leaving him groaning in desperation.

His cock was covered in your slick, veins throbbing and head almost purple from how desperate he was to cum. You started walking out of the room, finger motioning for him to follow you and he almost tripped over the chair, trailing in your shadow. You found the bedroom, stripping out of your remaining clothing while contemplating what position you wanted him in. Your thighs were starting to burn from sitting in the position you had held for so long, so you opted for good old-fashioned missionary. You laid down on the bed, thighs spread as Spencer pulled off his shirt and waited for your instruction.

“Come here.” The words had barely left your lips and Spencer was already on the end of the bed, crawling up to you like an animal on the prowl.

“Do you want to fuck me, Spencer?” You asked, drawing out his torture just a little while longer.

“Yes please, need to feel your perfect cunt again.” He begged, looking down at you with his big brown eyes.

“Go ahead, but don’t cum until I say so.” You instructed, your hand finding the nape of his neck, tugging lightly on his hair. He moaned, positioning himself at your entrance before thrusting fully into you, his gaze locked on the way your breasts bounced with each desperate thrust into your warm cunt.

His pace remained steady, pounding into you, your pleasure slowly building but not quite hitting the spot you needed him to. You wrapped your legs around his hips, angling your hips up ever so slightly and you couldn’t help but cry out, his cock finally hitting the soft spot inside of you that you’d been craving. He dropped his head into your shoulder, bringing his hand to your pussy to rub firm swipes over your clit, clearly desperately trying to make you cum so he could.

“So close, I don’t know how much longer I can last.” He panted, hips faltering slightly.

“It’s okay baby, don’t stop.” You moaned, too close to care about being firm with him anymore after how good he’d been for you today.

His thrusts became increasingly desperate, driving into you at a pace that had you seeing stars, the combined pressure on your clit sending you over the edge in a blur of white hot ecstasy.

“Spencer!” You cried out, nails digging into his back as you rode out your orgasm, rocking your hips to meet his thrusts.

His moans grew louder, hips stuttering and you could tell he was almost there, but something was holding him back.

“Cum inside me.”

Your request was all he needed to hear, not having to worry about pulling out anymore allowing all of his focus to finally come undone, hot ropes of cum filling your aching cunt. He pulled out of you, collapsing beside you with his head on your chest, long legs almost dangling off the side of the bed. You laid there spent, gently running your fingers through his hair until you both caught your breath.

“Thank you.” He spoke, lifting his head to look you in the eye.

“There's no need to thank me Spence, I’m sorry I’ve been so busy. You were right about overworking, I’ll try to delegate a bit more.” You sighed.

“I just don’t want you to overwork yourself, you deserve to enjoy yourself more often.” He leaned up to pull you into a kiss, his arms wrapping around your waist as you finally got a moment to relax for the first time in weeks.

——

Tag List: @pleasantwitchgarden @lover-of-books-and-tea

DM me or send me an ask if you’d like to be added to my general or spencer reid taglist :)

[houseofoddballs]

Loved and Lost

Based HEAVILY on @charliemwrites 1fur1 AU!! Recently fell in love with a dog that I can't have after reading through their "Woof Woof Johnny" things, and it absolutely tore me up inside because the sweet boy looked a lot like I imagined her Ghost boy to look. So you are given this. I poured a lot of that pain into this fic, and i hope you like it. (2,644 words)

They say that the more the loss hurts, the more you loved. Maybe that’s why you’ve cried yourself to sleep the past week, his favorite blanket clutched to your chest. “Grow up (Y/n), it’s just a dog.” Your sister had chided when she caught wind of the incident, your mother must have told her. She was never really an animal person.

A whiff of pin and gunpowder fills your nose, tantalizing you with the essence of that sweet dog who would sit patiently near you no matter where you were in the house. The fluff of the black blanket was soft, but nowhere near the dense fur of your cream colored good boy. If you closed your eyes, you could still see his face, his sweet sweet face. It didn’t matter what you were doing, those brilliant amber eyes were always trained on you, peeking up from the black skull-like patch of fur on his face. But he wasn’t yours anymore. Your Ghost had been wrenched away from you by the cruel jaws of fate, taken away from you in a horrible accident. It wasn’t abnormal for Ghost to disappear into the woods for a day or two at a time, but this time in particular was different.

You didn’t think anything of the way that Ghost sat in front of the door, blocking your exit stoically. A small huff of laughter pulled past your lips as you dropped to your knees and cupped your pooches face in your hands and went to place a gentle kiss on his fluffy forehead. Ghost wasn’t too keen on touch, preferring to initiate by laying on you or something, but in those rare moments where he did want affection he would express it by doing something like blocking your path like this. So imagine your surprise when he huffed and snapped his head to the side, pulling out of your hands like a pouting child. “Fine, have it your way big guy, but I still need to get to work.”

But he didn’t want that. He growled as you stood, His fur fluffing up as he also raised from his haunches to block your exit. He was adamant that you weren’t leaving. As much as you wanted to stay home with your pup, you were already going to be cutting it close to clocking in late. So, you tricked him. You walked into your room, closed him out, and climbed out your window. You were on the first floor, so it’s not like the drop was going to kill you. But you should have known better. As soon as your feet hit the ground, Ghost was there, growling with an unsaid threat.

He tried so desperately to get you to stay, you honestly felt so bad with the way that he chased your car well down the driveway and past. Your heart absolutely broke as you finally watched him give up through your rearview mirror, his chest heaving and his brown eyes looking so desperate as his figure grew smaller and smaller until he turned around and walked into the forest, his head hung low.

That was the last normal moment you spent with him. Brushing him to the side and heading to work. You wished you had just called out, or better yet, quit entirely. When you made your way home, it was with apology treats and even some new toys for enrichment (Even though Ghost had always preferred sticks to proper toys.) Pulling into your driveway, you hurriedly made your way inside, calling for your pup with a grin on your face. “Ghost! Ghost! I’m home!... baby boy?” You expected him to be laying on the couch or your bed pouting like he always did when he didn’t get what he wanted. But he was mysteriously absent. You shrugged it off, figuring that he was still in the forest doing whatever it was he did. You didn’t think anything when he was gone the next day either, chalking it up to you making him really mad. Ghost always knew how to hold a grudge, after all. It was the fourth and fifth days that began to drive you mad with worry. You had begun combing through the forrest until your legs were heavy and your throat was sore calling for Ghost, dreading the thought that maybe he was laying somewhere, hurt and alone. You didn’t dare entertain the thought that he might be dead. Finally, midway through the fifth day, a heavy knock came at your door. You must have looked a mess, heavy baggs under your eyes, sloppy unbrushed hair, still in your hiking clothes from yesterday. You opened the door to a strapping older gentleman with a kind face and an impressive set of chops. “Hello, mam. Is this the house of Miss (Y/n) (L/n)?”

His voice was kind, a british accent intertwining with his words like clouds in the sky. Any other day, you would probably be incredibly flustered by this attractive and muscular man ending up on your doorstep, but not today, not with Ghost gone. It just felt incomplete without him trying to push his furry head through the doorway to growl at the strange man. You had to swallow hard, biting back tears at the thought as you nodded your head. “Yes, that’s um- That’s me.” Your throat was too tight, voice too high, laced with too much stress and exhaustion.

A flash of remorse and regret passed over the mans face for a moment, and you definitely feared the worst. He cleared his throat and placed his hand in his pocket, pulling out a familiar leather strap with a silver buckle and silver tags. Your breath caught in your throat as a shaky hand reached out to gently brush against the collar. A whiff of pine and gunpowder caught in your throat, making you retract your hand to your chest so quickly as if you were burnt.

Tears flooded your eyes and down your cheeks as you let out a choked sob. “No, no, NO!” This couldn’t be happening, not Ghost. Not your sweet boy Who you couldn’t convince to get into bed with you at night, but you would wake up to him licking your face in the middle of the night as he laid on your chest. Not the big brute who would pull your dirty laundry into his bed while you were gone just because he missed you. Not your precious puppy who huffed and grumbled whenever you got the urge to have photoshoots because he was just such a gorgeous dog. Not your Ghost.

The man knelt down next to you, a comforting hand on your shoulder as he held the collar out to you once more, his voice deceivingly soft as it caressed your ears. “I’m sorry lass, he’s gone…”

Ghost sat in the back of a military vehicle, skull balaclava fit neatly over his face and covering the deep frown that pulled at his lips. Hybrids were never meant to find mates, it’s why they were supposed to be doped up with suppressants and kept away from normal society. They were the military’s bioweapons, nothing else. They weren’t people, they weren’t given the graces of normal lives, they didn’t get to enjoy life unless it was in the ridiculous way that Johnny seemed to milk joy from every part of their job to keep his spirits up. Simon almost forgot.

It was so easy to forget what kind of monster he was when your hands were so gentle, smoothing down and running through his fur so tenderly, cooing softly at him as you stared down at him with those big doe eyes of yours, humming softly as you filled his dish, surrounded by your comfort and scent, the comfort and scent of his mate.

His grip on his gun was especially tight, his teeth gritting as he imagined the devastation you were going to feel. He had fought tooth and nail against the entire squad to keep the collar, going as far as to challenge Price. But not even Ghost could hold his own in a fight against his squad and his alpha.

“Can ya’ believe the’re shippin us all the way to the bloody states? Downright mad lads.” Ghost shot a nasty glare at Johnny, making the poor boy practically wilt in place. Normally Ghost would be thankful for the distraction that Johnny provided, but not when he was being distracted from you. He could still remember the scent of your shampoo, the sound of your voice, the feel of your soft hands on his face as he ripped his head out of your grip. What he wouldn’t give for one last kiss right now. He had to bite back the tears that threatened to prick his eyes, a feeling so foreign that he couldn’t even remember the last time he cried.

He knew it was coming. It was all so perfect. He could leave during the day to meet up with the squad, go out on whatever stupid mission was required of them, whether it required the wolf or the man, and at the end of the day he would come back to you. He would come back to your soft giggles and your warm cuddles. He wasn’t the best at showing it, or the most affectionate, but god did he love you.

Turns out, they aren’t lying when they say one missed day is enough to knock medication out of your system. One day without his suppressants, and he had been drawn away from his pack formation by the most peculiar scent. Simon didn’t remember what he smelt like that day, but he remembered how it made him feel. Seeing you in the middle of the woods, humming so softly and sweetly to yourself through your earbuds, was like meeting god. His chest was suddenly tight, his knees almost too weak to hold him up, his heart thrumming in his chest, his fur bristling, a shiver running down his spine. He had to resist the urge to take off after you. But you were too sweet for him, too gentle, he would ruin you. So he turned away. Simon is nothing if not a man of patience and restraint, but walking away from you was the hardest thing in his life.

He had told himself that it was just not having the suppressants in his system that was driving him mad, that you were just a pretty girl and his instincts were reacting to the first female they found. But when he returned to base and felt no such thrumming in his heart or tightening in his drawers for any of the few females on base, he knew that it was more than instinct. Ghost stopped taking his suppressants after that. He would flush them down the toilet, throw them away, put them in his pillowcase, whatever it took to keep Price from finding out. Every day the pack would pass your house on their training regimen, just close enough that your scent could flood his nostrils and fill him with that shaky feeling of pure bliss. 

One day though, you found him. Simon could never forget the look of pure awe and adoration as you caught sight of him through the trees, slowly getting down on your knees and holding your hand out as you cooed. “Such a pretty puppy, oh my goodness. Who do you belong to?” And that was the final nail in Simon’s coffin. Sweet thing you were, smart too. You didn’t even make eye contact upon first meeting, a surefire way to challenge any other wolf. Not Simon though, he knew that you would never challenge him like that. 

When he returned to base that night, it was with a dopy grin under his skull balaclava, his hand absentmindedly over his heart. He had been careful to roll around in the dirt, scrubbing himself of any of your delicate scent. He made up some excuse to Price about disciplinary training, living in the wilds and whatnot. Whatever he had to say to stay with you.

God, it had been great. Getting to come home every night to you. Getting to relax on the couch with you, simply bask in your presence. You were like a goddess, his savior in this damned world. You would delight in playing with his paws that were almost as big as your tiny hands, completely unaware of how many lives they had crushed. You would let him lick at your face without the slightest idea of how many throats those jaws had ripped out mercilessly. You would change in front of him so peacefully, without the slightest idea that it was a man hungerly watching you. But Simon would never make a move. Even if you knew what he was. He didn’t deserve you, he couldn’t taint you with his filth. He was content to simply be with you, to exist with you, to bask in your presence as if it were the sun.

All it takes is one mistake.

“You wear perfume now Lt? Smells fuckin amazing, i’d rail ya smellin’ like that.” Soap’s teasing comment was easily brushed aside as one of his usual flirtatious remarks with no base, but the damage had already been done. Ghost had gotten complacent, used to having his cake and eating it too. So the one day that he didn’t fully cover your scent, of course a pack of male hybrids would notice. Simon made eye contact with Price from across the room, watching as he lifted his head and sniffed the air.

“Lieutenant. My office, now.” “Yes, sir.”

A deep sigh pulled from Price’s chest as he drug a hand down his face from his perch atop his chair behind his desk. Simon didn’t know what to expect, but he already had a million excuses ready on the tip of his tongue, just waiting for the signal to burst free. What he didn’t expect was for Price to reach into his drawer and pull out a plastic baggie of the little white pills that Simon had been decidedly not taking.

“Mind explainin’ why you’re clean fella?” A grunt. That was all Simon could muster. There was no reasonable excuse for that, and he knew it. Price’s eyes darkened with recognition as he gave a single curt nod. “That’s what I thought. You get one more night, Ghost.”

Simon’s eyes practically bulged out as he looked at Price, an obvious question in his gaze. Why? Price, ever vigilant, only sighed in response- the air leaving his lungs as if it were heavy and laden with history that Ghost could only imagine. “Say goodbye, son. You’re not gonna get another opportunity.”

This isn’t what Simon thought Price had meant. Moving the Task Force all the way to the bloody states. When you left for work that day, you took Simon’s heart with you. You surely didn’t even notice your favorite picture with your pup absent from it’s frame. A bitter chuckle left Ghost’s lips at the thought of how little you really saw about your environment. Even when Simon had been living with you as well as Ghost, you never noticed.

So as you laid in bed, sobbing your heart out and clutching his blanket close with one hand, the other hand so tight around the black leather strap what your knuckles were white; Simon was all too far away, pressing his chapped lips softly against the picture of you from a tiny cold cot in a base somewhere in america, trying not to do the same. He could picture your small frame, trembling as sob wracked through you and tore you up inside.

Why does loving something have to hurt so bad?

[maknaesdancersrappers]

devoted 2.

part 13

Overall warning/s: kinkier smut (eg. voyeurism, exhibitionism, etc.) character death, dark themes

Chapter warning/s: dementia

Just how devoted is Jaehyun to you?

prev: part 12

wc: 6.1k

“I’m flying back.”

“Absolutely not.” You grimaced. “It’s just a fever, Jaehyun. I’m not dying.”

He’s been in China for almost a week now and just yesterday, you felt sick like you’ve never been before. You initially didn’t want to tell him about it but it was hard to hide it from him if he asked for a call every night.

He frowned through the video call at you, crossing his arms over his chest like a child that’s been denied his treat. You were tucked into the corner of the backseat with a cooling patch stuck on your forehead and a heating pad on your stomach, pathetically putting on a brave face despite the cramps absolutely demolishing your lower abdomen.

It must have been a sight for your bodyguards through the rearview mirror to see you like this. Ever since you came down with a fever last night, Jaehyun had suggested that you check into the hospital but you insisted on staying with your parents. You’ll feel a lot safer there and what could possibly beat the tender, loving care of your mother, right?

“I don’t understand how you’re sick all of a sudden. Did you eat something? Food poisoning, maybe? Does your stomach still hurt?”

“It’s probably PMS, babe. It’s not my stomach hurting, my abdomen is cramping up.”

“You’ve never gotten fevers before your period in the past.”

You sighed, “Yeah, it sucks to be a woman, no? I’ll be fine, Jae. It’s actually right on time if it is.”

He still looked hesitant, his brows slowly merging together on his forehead. “Okay… If you say so, but I’m going to have a doctor come by as soon as possible.”

You reached your parent’s home and you sighed, “Alright. I’m here and you have a meeting.”

“I hope you feel better soon, baby. I miss you. Tell your parents I said hi.”

“I miss you, too, and I will.” You giggled. “Good luck, baby. I love you.”

“Thanks, I love you more.”

He took another hesitant, longing look at you before finally ending the call.

You settle back down and let your face contort into pain as another wave of cramps tortured your lower half while Jooheon gets out of the front seat. You’ve never had PMS this bad before. Usually it only cramped during your period and you never got a fever, too. You had a classmate back in high school that always got a fever before her period.

Seeing that Jooheon had circled around to your door, you sat up and let him open the door for you.

“[Y/N], dear!” Your mom came bursting out of the house, hurriedly making her way to you, and engulfing you into a hug while you gathered the heat pad and purse into your arms. “What happened? It’s been years since you had a fever!”

“It’s probably just my period coming.”

Jooheon had brought over your overnight bag inside the house for you and bowed as he passed by you, “We’ll be a call away, Ms. [L/N].”

“Please,” You shook your head, “you and Hyunwoo can go home for today. I’ll call when I’m better and can go back home.”

He looked unsure - you knew Jaehyun had different orders for them, but he relented and bowed again to both you and your mom as a bid farewell.

“I cleaned your room the second you said you wanted to stay over. Come, come. Go lie down and I’ll make you some hot soup.” Your mom assisted you up the stairs and into your childhood room. “I’ll have your dad bring your bag up when he’s finished taking a bath.”

You whistled as you looked around, “Did you preserve the room or something, mom? Nothing’s changed. I thought you would have wanted this extra room for hobbies or knick knacks.”

It dawned on you that you never brought Jaehyun up here, even when you brought him home for the first time so he could meet your parents. It makes you wonder how his childhood room looked; it was probably way bigger than this. More sleek and modern — his mom gave off that vibe and she definitely had a hand at styling his room.

Your mom clicked her tongue, “Don’t be ridiculous. Both your father and I always hope you’d want to come back and sleep over some time.”

“Aw, mom.” You cried, “You can always ask me to come over if you wanted. Jaehyun wouldn’t mind.”

“Gosh, you sound like he’s not invited! Stop stalling me, get yourself to bed and I’ll go cook now.”

You laughed at her, you could really tell she missed fussing over you so much. When you went home for long weekends or school breaks during college, she was always all over you — acting as if you were VVIP or something along those lines.

“I’m just gonna put a pad on just in case I start bleeding.” You reasoned, calling out as she scurried out of our room.

You fished out one of the pads you stuffed into your purse and tossed your bag onto your bed, along with the heat pad. The pain is still a bitch but this was something only you could do. The bathroom was across your room and the tiles were still a little wet when you entered. After carefully stepping on the mats, you pulled your leggings with your underwear down and sat on the toilet.

“Oh, there it is.” You grumbled, the faintest splotch of red on your panties. You would’ve preferred to change out of it already, but your bag was still downstairs and you really couldn’t be bothered by it. You were already starting to feel chilly again. Without a second thought, you slapped the pad securely onto your underwear and did your business.

You weren’t used to staying put anymore. Despite the immense comfort and nostalgia of being in your old bed again where you could remember a handful of times where you refused to move because you would rather sleep, your body wasn’t programmed that way anymore. You had woken up a little past midnight to a horrible cramp and you just couldn’t go back to sleep anymore after snoozing the entire day once your dad had delivered your dinner to your bed. You wanted to work so badly, you were thankful to have stashed your laptop into your bag to at least check your emails.

Once you had your email on, you noticed Jaehyun was also online.

“Jae?” You chatted.

Without missing a beat, there was an incoming video call from him.

“Hi.” You both greeted each other once the connection was stable.

“Your dad said you were sound asleep.”

You cocked your head to the side, “You were messaging my dad?”

“I wouldn’t want to ring your phone if you were resting. Besides, I’m trying to build a relationship with my future-in-laws, is that so wrong?”

“Well, if you put it that way…” You trailed off with a giddy smile. “How are you?”

Jaehyun sighed, “We can’t get the heads of the branches in the same conference room, let alone in the same building. Sicheng is very close to calling his dad for help but it’s not gonna look good for him. We’re gonna try again in a few days. Let them cool down some more. How about you? Your mom said your temperature was getting lower when she last checked.”

You didn’t have any more cooling patches other than the one you had on when you came over so you had to cool yourself off the old fashion way with a damp cloth. You brought the back of your hand to your forehead and nodded, “It’s still a little hot.”

“Hold on, why are you even awake and on your laptop?”

“I couldn’t sleep. I thought I could get a little work in and read some emails.”

“You still shouldn’t stay up for too long. I scheduled one of the family doctor’s for you. Dr. Bae. She’s gonna clear her schedule for you so you can have her come over at your convenience.”

Your phone chimed after Jaehyun sent the doctor’s contact information.

“Alright. Thank you.”

Jaehyun moved his face away from the screen, but you can see his jaws move as he let out a big yawn.

“You must be tired from today, Jaehyun. You should get some rest, too.”

“But I wanna stay on call with you.” He pouted, lower lip jutted out.

You giggled, “We can stay on call until we both fall asleep, yeah?”

You left the camera on, leaving him to do his own thing while you skimmed through your unread emails. You took your time responding to the important ones, making sure your grammar and tone was professional. After replying to a handful of emails, you checked on Jaehyun.

You snorted, “You’re such a creep.”

While you were working, he must have taken a quick shower because his hair was messy and damp and he switched out from a dress shirt to a plain tee. He seemed to be seated at a table with his body leaned forward, elbow propped up and supporting his head’s weight. 

“Am I not allowed to watch and feel proud of my wife working so diligently?”

Wife. You couldn’t hide your smile. Usually, you’d correct him — not yet, you’ll quip, but you didn’t feel like it tonight.

“I realized I never let you up into my room before.”

You watched him pout, a little confused, and then he nodded in agreement.

“I guess you’re right. But to be fair,” He shrugged, “Whenever you brought me over, I was on my best behavior. I did not want your parents — especially your dad — to think I couldn’t keep my hands off you so maybe I subconsciously avoided it if the opportunity arose.”

“But you couldn’t keep your hands off me.”

“I am aware.”

You laughed at him, rolling your eyes.

“But like I said,” Jaehyun’s features softened, “I wanted to show your parents that I’m worthy of being with you. That they can be assured that their daughter is safe with me.”

“You don’t have to worry about that now.”

He shook his head, “No. Not until they walk you down the aisle and your father personally hands you over to me. Only until then will I believe they trust me to take care of you.”

Your heart swelled at his admonition, tears springing to your eyes.

“Baby,” The corner of his lip curved into a half smile along with his brows that expressed concern.

“You can’t expect me to not be emotional over that, Jaehyun.” You sniffed, wiping at your eyes before the tears could even spill. “I don’t know what I did to deserve someone like you.”

“You probably put a hex on me when we first met to make me fall for you.” He joked.

“Hey!” You reprimanded, trying to sound mad but you couldn’t help but chortle at him. “Maybe you were the one who hexed me.”

“If I believed in it, I would have if it meant having you to myself.”

The mood turned a little somber after he said that. 

“You don’t need to.” You murmured just loud enough for him to hear. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“I know.”

The moment was interrupted by something beeping in Jaehyun’s background and he looked over to the source of the sound. He disappeared from your view and after a while you hear the sound of water being poured.

“Are you having coffee at this hour?”

“No.” His voice was a little distant from the mic, “Ramen. I’m a little hungry.”

He emerged back into your view with a cup of ramen and a pair of chopsticks keeping the lid down.

“Ooh, ramen does sound good right now.” You longingly looked at the cup noodles on your laptop’s screen. “I just don’t know if my mom would have any in her pantry.”

“I can have someone bring you some.”

“No, it’s fine. It might keep me up longer.” And just on cue, you let out a yawn.

“Wanna go to sleep already?”

You huffed, “No. It’s my turn to watch you.”

You placed your laptop by your pillow, pulled your blanket over your body, and shimmied down the bed until you were comfortable. You faced your laptop to see Jaehyun’s amused expression at what he had just witnessed. “What?”

“You’re so cute. I wish I was there right now.”

“I wish you were here, too.” You mumbled, your eyelids feeling heavy already. “I hope you can come home soon.”

“I hope so, too.” You watch him stir his noodles with his chopsticks, taking a big bite after blowing on it. As he slurped his food, you commented, “You eat so well, babe.”

“Hm?”

“I said you eat so well. I think I remember my mom commenting about it too when I first brought you over here.”

Jaehyun wiped the corner of his mouth while chewing, “She’s an amazing cook.”

“Please don’t talk with your mouthful. You’re a full grown adult, Jae.”

He rolled his eyes at you, making an exaggerated movement to show you he swallowed. “There, happy?”

“I hope our kids eat as well as you. They’ll be chubby toddlers like you were.”

Jaehyun pursed his lips, “I wasn’t that chubby when I was a toddler…”

“Your cheeks looked so squishy, though. No one wants skinny babies. Chubby babies mean they’re healthy.”

“You are aware that means it’ll be painful for you if you’re going through natural birth.”

You drawled, “Yeah, but if they’re healthy, then it would be worth it, no?”

Your eyes fluttered shut as he chuckled, watching you fall asleep in front of him. He doesn’t say anything more but you just know he’s still laughing at you. You wanted to open your eyes to check but you didn’t have the strength to do it and you couldn’t even open your mouth to talk. 

“Sweet dreams, baby.”

You were able to make a soft noise to let him know you acknowledged him.

“I love you. I’ll see you soon.”

Dr. Bae was one of the most beautiful women you’ve ever laid your eyes upon - and she has a face mask over her mouth. Your own mother was flustered when she let her into the house and led her up to your room. Through the small talk you shared to break the ice, you found out that she was the Irene Johnny had mentioned before that he was supposed to get arranged to marry. She spoke so gracefully, yet confident and it almost made you insecure to be in her presence.

She goes through the usual tests; checking your vitals, heart rate, and blood pressure — she was about to forego checking your weight but your mom had brought over a weighing scale from their bathroom.

“Everything seems normal. Any other anomalies can be attributed to your period — and it just started today, correct?”

“No, yesterday. But the heavy flow started today.”

“Do you usually have a heavy flow for your period?”

You shook your head, “Oh, I have an implant, an IUD. My periods’ flow is irregular, if you can put it that way.”

Irene pensively looked at you with pursed lips, “By any chance, do you feel it?”

“The IUD? Right now?” You clarified, awkwardly shifting in your seat. “Not at all.”

“A displaced IUD could cause the user to experience heavy bleeding, cramping or soreness in your lower abdomen. I highly suggest you visit your gynecologist as soon as you can, Ms. [L/N]. Just to be sure.”

“Wait, how bad is a displaced IUD?”

“It’s not life-threatening.” She reassured you, “However, if it’s not in the proper location - your uterus - then it won’t be able to do it’s purpose as contraception.”

You mentally counted the days since the symptoms showed up and the last time you and Jaehyun had sex. Your gynecologist told you that sperm could live in the vagina up to 5 days. It should have been more than a week if you were counting right.

“You look a little frightened, Ms. [L/N].” Irene snapped you out of your thoughts and you forced out a laugh.

“Oh, sorry. I was just trying to count the days in my head since I last had intercourse from when the symptoms started… what are… what are the chances I could get pregnant?”

“It’s not in my field of expertise,” She sheepishly admitted, “But if you’re trying to avoid getting pregnant, you can take some birth control orally just to be safe. Again, you should really visit your gynecologist as soon as possible.”

After prescribing you with some pills for your cramps and fever (if it ever rises again), Dr. Irene left your parent’s home. Your dad offered to go and buy the medicine for you while he ran errands while your mom had to run her own errands — both hesitant to leave you until you convinced them you were fine. 

You had messaged Dr. Ahn immediately, explaining the situation already. While waiting for a response, you sent a similar message to Jaehyun to update him.

What if you were pregnant? It shouldn’t be so bad. Both you and Jaehyun have already talked about it — you even debated on having the implant removed but kept it in when you were informed you could easily get pregnant afterwards. You snorted, you couldn’t be pregnant at present though. You’re sure it’s been well over a week after having sex with him that the symptoms started. 

You checked your phone for responses from either Jaehyun or Dr. Ahn, but there was nothing.

The doorbell rang and you inwardly groaned, dreading the combination of walking down the stairs with the mild cramps you were experiencing. You fumbled around your bag to look for a spare facemask and put it on as you begrudgingly made your way down.

As you put your hand on the doorknob, there was a split second of fear that coursed through you. You were alone. You were so caught up with the implant issue that you had sent both your parents off without asking Jooheon or Hyunwoo to drive by. You peeked through the peephole and expelled a heavy breath of relief.

You swung the door open, “Kun?”

“[Y/N]? I didn’t know you were here. Did something happen?” Kun’s eyes widened in shock. “Are you okay? Are you sick?”

“I am. I decided to stay here because Jaehyun’s been overseas and I can’t really take care of myself. Would you like to come in?”

He shook his head, “No, I only meant to drop this off.”

Kun raised the box in his hands and then flinched, “Uhm, my… my family came to visit from China and they brought this for your parents. Tea leaves and herbal medicine.”

“Oh… they’re out, but thanks.” You tried to get it from him but he refused to hand it over.

“Let me. Where can I put it down?”

“The kitchen counter.” You stepped aside to let him in and you almost wanted to laugh that he didn’t even need to be directed to where the kitchen was. As you closed the door, you called out to him, “You didn’t come to the housewarming.”

Kun huffed after placing the box down, “Yeah, I’m sorry. I’m getting a lot of work done now so I could take a vacation to spend with my family.”

“How are they?” You quietly asked, “Is this the first time they’re back here?”

He sighed slowly, “Yeah. They’re well… but…”

Kun shrugged his shoulders, “My mom. She has, uh, she has early onset dementia.”

“What? She’s the same age as my mom.”

“Dementia can happen to anyone in any age group. It’s actually in our genes.”

Your mouth slowly fell open, unsure of how to react or say.

He took notice and waved his hand, “Don’t worry about it. She’s still doing fine — but also, I should really get back to them.”

“Where are you guys staying?”

“Our old house. It was fortunately up for sale when I decided to randomly drive by. I was able to lease it and have it ready for my parents before they came over.”

“That’s amazing.”

He chuckled, “Right?”

You both walked back to the front door and he opened it to let himself out. Before he stepped away, he turned to look at you.

“Would you like to have dinner with my family? It’ll be nice to catch up with you. It could help jog my mom’s memory as a mental stimulant.”

“Yeah, I would love to.” You literally felt like someone kicked your abdomen. “Uhm, when I get better, yeah?”

“Yes, of course.” He nodded, “I should go. Get well soon, [Y/N].”

“Take care.”

You closed the door after he had stepped off the porch. Usually, you would have waited until they got into their cars before closing the door but you couldn’t stand straight anymore. You trudged towards the staircase and sat down, pressing down on your abdomen. Have either Jaehyun or Dr. Ahn responded to you already? You were so preoccupied with Kun and the news of his parents being back in Korea that you had forgotten the urgency of your possible situation. You got up at once and turned to walk up to your room but there was a knock on the door.

“Kun?” You called out, “Did you forget something?”

You opened the door without a second thought and was confused to see no one there. You looked around until your eyes fell to the doormat and your body froze. Your blood ran cold at the sight of what looked to be a black flower on top of a small folded card. Your eyes shot up to look around, even bravely stepping outside of the door frame to look for something — someone, that could have left it there, but there was nothing. 

There was no one.

You snatched the flower and card from the ground and slammed the door closed, frantically locking it behind you. Your legs gave out and you fell on your knees to the floor, but the pain that struck your knees couldn’t distract you from inspecting the items in your hands.

It was a rose. And it wasn’t naturally black, but rather it was withered and dead. The dark gradation of the dried petals told you it was a red one. With one hand, you shakily pried the note open.

“Are you sure you know everything about the peccant man you love?”

Peccant? You weren’t even sure what that meant.

“The truth is in the apartment.”

You balled your fist, crumpling the note in your hand. This is a trap. It has to be.

You got up from the floor, rushing upstairs like your body wasn’t hurting to begin with. You grabbed your phone from the bed and checked the notifications for messages. Jaehyun hadn’t messaged but Dr. Ahn has and she told you to come into her clinic the day after next, as she’s currently out of town. After sending a quick thank you to her, you searched up the meaning of ‘peccant.’

“Having committed a fault or sin. Corrupt.”

You reread the note again. 

What had Jaehyun done for this person to call him corrupt? Was it so bad that it could possibly drive you away from him?

You pulled up Jaehyun’s contact and found yourself hovering over the green call button. 

Why are you hesitating? You wouldn’t have waited a second longer to tell him about this.

“Do I know everything about him?” You whispered to yourself, fixated on the pixels on your phone that made up his name. 

“[Y/N]! Look at you! You’ve grown up so well.” Kun’s dad greeted you, opening his arms up for a hug that you gladly accepted.

It’s been two days and you were a lot better. You contacted Kun and you’ll be free for a few more days until you need to get yourself back to work. Dr. Ahn was going to see you in the afternoon later so Kun suggested having lunch at their house.

“Hello, Mr. Qian. How have you been?” You pulled away and smiled.

“Still kicking, that’s for sure.” He laughed, however his face grew soft as he turned towards the lady beside him. “Honey, do you remember this young lady?”

Mrs. Qian hummed as she looked up at her husband. He gestured towards you and her head cocked to the side. After a beat, she gasped. “Oh, Kun, is this your girlfriend? What a beautiful woman she is.”

“No, Ma, she’s not. Well… she’s my ex-girlfriend… from high school.”

“High school?” She repeated, tone a little perplexed. But after a few more seconds, she clasped her hands together in a ‘Eureka!’ moment, “[L/N] [Y/N]! My word! You’ve matured into such a lovely lady!”

You bashfully smiled at her, “Hello, Mrs. Qian. It’s been so long.”

“It’s been ages, dear! Gosh, let’s come inside and seat ourselves. My memory may be foggy, but I haven’t forgotten my recipes!”

As you entered, you couldn’t help but look around. The structure was still the same for sure, but a lot of things have changed. The photos and awards Kun had weren’t on the hallway wall anymore. They had a very traditional Asian vibe to their interior before but it seemed like the previous owners were more into Scandinavian design.

You walked into the dining room and smiled to yourself at the sight: although the interior screamed Modern European, the table set for brunch was clearly meant for Chinese cuisine.

“Oh, wow.” You remarked, “I feel like it’s been forever since I’ve had a proper homemade dumpling.”

“Well, you’re in luck.” Mr. Qian quipped, opening one of the few bamboo steamers on the table. “My wife has dumplings, dim sums, and pork buns ready to be gobbled up! Please, take a seat, [Y/N].”

Your eyes wandered over to Kun, clearly feeling a bit awkward and on edge. You do have to admit it’s a little weird to be having brunch with your ex from high school. Maybe he’s worried his mom would bring up the reason you two broke up.

Fortunately, lunch went on smoothly. Conversations jumped from fond memories of the past to catching up with the present to future plans — and it jumped from each one with no particular pattern. Mrs. Qian’s food had always given you comfort when you were able to eat it. Like a Chinese version of your mom’s food. You caught yourself glancing at Kun, who was playfully telling his father to keep quiet about an embarrassing childhood story. You feigned a smile, pretending to be listening but your mind flew back to when you were still dating Kun.

Back then, you were convinced that Kun was the first and only for you. Before the impending break up brought upon finding out you were going to pursue Arts, you really did get along with his parents. They practically treated you like a daughter-in-law already. It’s a bittersweet memory.

“Please tell me you’re in a relationship, [Y/N], unlike Mr. I-don’t-have-time-for-that-in-med-school over here.” Mrs. Qian dismissively waved her hand as if to dismiss her son.

“I, uh,” You cleared your throat, caught a bit off guard by the sudden attention on you, “I am. I’m actually engaged.”

You brought up your hand where your engagement ring fit snugly on your finger.

“Congratulations! Oh, how wonderful! I’m so happy for you, [Y/N].” She clapped, smiling brightly.

“Who’s the lucky fella?”

“He was a classmate in my first year in college.” You felt like a teenager telling her parents about a crush, “His name is Jaehyun. Jung Jaehyun.”

You could have imagined it, but the bright smile Mr. Qian had plastered on his face, dimmed. The air in the dining room seemed to have shifted as well.

“What a lucky guy. Congratulations, dear.” He nodded to himself before proceeding to focus on his food.

“Jung Jaehyun? What a familiar name.” Mrs. Qian leaned forward a bit, pressing her forearms against the table while looking up at the ceiling. 

“Their engagement was on the news. Maybe you had watched it in passing.” Kun quickly said.

Mrs. Qian nodded her head but didn’t seem satisfied with the answer.

You could feel tension between Kun and his father for some reason. Before you could properly react to it, Mr. Qian cleared his throat again.

“Honey, didn’t you make something for dessert? We should serve it now, [Y/N] has somewhere to be afterwards.”

“Oh, yes. I made some egg tarts! You can bring some with you, dear. Let me get it from the kitchen.” She got out of her seat and after a few steps away, she spun around, “Oh! I remember now! Jung Jaehyun’s father is the one who provided our retirement fund!”

“Mom.” Kun sternly scolded at the same time Mr. Qian stood up, saying her name in a similar tone.

“What?”

“Am I remembering it wrong? It was Jung Jaegun. He had a son named Jung Jaehyun.”

You couldn’t properly process what’s happening. “He… provided your retirement fund?”

“[Y/N],” Kun interrupted, but his mom kept on going, clearly not sensing the growing distress from her family.

“Yes! That’s why we moved back to China. He even paid for Kun’s tuition up until college.”

At those words, Kun’s face turned red - but you’re not sure if it’s from embarrassment or shame.

“But.. But why?”

Before she could get another word out, Mr. Qian loudly cut her off with something in Mandarin. 

Mrs. Qian looked shocked at her husband, morphing into concern when she turned to you.

You hadn’t noticed but you had a death grip on the skirt of your dress. You could hear your heartbeat pumping in your ear as if you had a stethoscope to your chest. You’re still confused at what’s been said, you had so many questions.

Kun muttered something to his parents in Mandarin and you watched Mr. Qian escorts his wife out without another glance at you.

“Kun,” You whispered, unable to make your voice any louder. “What was that?”

He took in a deep breath, running a hand over his face. You could see that he tried to look at you but his eyes just wouldn’t follow through.

“Kun,” You repeated, “I would very much appreciate you telling me something I don’t know about a man I’m about to spend the rest of my life with.”

“It’s all true — what my mom had said. They were paid to leave their jobs here and move back to China. There were better paying jobs there prepared by Jung Jaegun and he also paid for my schooling.”

“Why?” You repeated the question from earlier. 

“I swear to you, this is the truth.” He calmly responded. “He said it was what his son, Jaehyun, would have wanted… and that’s all we ever knew.”

“I don’t understand. How did your family get mixed up into the business of a family like the Jung’s?”

Kun shook his head, “I told you. We don’t know. My parents were just approached one day and we were only given a day to decide. The offer was too good to be true, but too hard to pass on for my parents.”

“So we broke up because…”

“They signed an NDA… we all did.” He admitted, “So I’m gonna have to ask you to pretend you don’t know because I don’t know the consequences of breaching an NDA with the Jungs.”

You licked your lips, “When you said you were trying to protect me… did you mean you were trying to protect me from Jaehyun?”

“Yes. What are the chances the son of the man who essentially paid us to leave started dating — now engaged to — the girl I had to break up with? It was all too suspicious.”

It really was.

“But I didn’t meet Jaehyun until college.”

“I know. That’s why I think it’s just a horrible coincidence.” Kun pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed again. “I don’t want to cause a rift between you two. I’m genuinely happy for both of you, but…”

“But what?”

Kun shrugged his shoulders, “What are the odds of it, you know?”

“Ma’am, we’re here.”

You flinched, surprised to be pulled out of your trance. You looked at Hyunwoo who was driving and then outside to see Jooheon opening the door for you. Behind Jooheon was the familiar entrance of your old apartment building.

“Thank you. You don’t have to wait for me here. I’ll walk over to the clinic and I’ll call when I’m done.” You smoothed out your dress as you stepped outside.

“Okay, ma’am.” Jooheon bowed his head and closed the door, promptly walking to the passenger seat. The car didn’t move so you surmised they were waiting for you to go inside before they took off.

As steadily as you could, hoping you wouldn’t trip from how nervous you are, you walked into the building and greeted the doorman that still remembers you.

You approached the front desk with faux confidence, slowing down as you greeted the receptionist and giving a lame excuse that you wanted to change up the interior of the unit. They let you on your way without another doubt.

In the elevator, you finally let your nerves show. You pulled the note you had received the other day from your bag.

“The truth is in the apartment.”

You were very aware that this could be a trap. You were probably going to get jumped the second you step foot into the room, but you’re going to hope that you’ll get some answers from it either way.

The elevator opened and you cautiously stepped out of  it, approaching the front door of the apartment. With a hand on the knob, you almost thought that it could have been rigged with an explosive that would set up the moment you open the door. 

You lied to Hyunwoo and Jooheon about your visit to the apartment, giving the same excuse you told the receptionist. Jaehyun didn’t even know about the dead rose and note. No one did. But you had slept on it, deciding to keep it a secret. You weren’t going to do anything about it. At first. Not until the revelation from the Qian’s.

You were going to take matters into your own hands.

Fuck it.

You punched in the code with your other hand and opened the door once it unlocked.

You braced yourself for a few seconds, but when nothing happened, you peeked inside. All the furniture was still there, although a bit dusty. You were so caught up in trying to start your own company that you never got around redecorating the place to have it rented out as an AirBNB like you had initially planned. Most of the decor was gone, though. Those were family photos and some art pieces that you were too fond of that you just had to take them into the new house.

Your steps echoed as you slowly walked further in. It felt so empty. Memories of this place started to flood your brain; from when you and Jaehyun first moved in, when you realized you hated the interior and took it upon yourself to slowly redecorate until you were satisfied, when you two were almost caught doing the nasty on the floor by the front door because neither of you could keep it in your pants and Yebin just had to go back up to use the restroom (Jaehyun was very annoyed at her). So many milestones in your relationship happened in this apartment. 

Your heart started to clench in your chest; you’ve been through so much with Jaehyun. Yet somewhere in this very apartment is something that could ruin all that. 

You could walk away. Choke all of it down like what you did like that night in college. Keep it together until Jaehyun comes back home so both of you can talk it through like how both of you learned from therapy. 

Inhaling deeply, you swiveled on your heel to walk back out but you stopped. You blinked at the front door; it was just a few steps away. But your eyes caught something peculiar. Something you were sure shouldn’t be there when you had left the apartment for the last time.

You bit down on your lip.

On the dining table, there were stacks of paper - files and records of something. Some were bare on the table, just haphazardly spread across. Some were peeking out of manila envelopes or colored folders - as if to say, hey, there’s something interesting in here, too.

Your eyes skimmed through the pages, reading bits and pieces of what you can. Your throat started to burn as you picked up the first paper you could.

[L/N], [Y/N]. 

Female. 

16.

a/n: happy birthday to me 🎉 we did it hoes, we're here 💪 its time for shit to go down 😈

next: part 14

[taylortruther]

I always tend to think of the golden love or fate themes when I think of Joe in Taylor's work, but I forget how often the cowboy theme comes up. "you wouldn't be the only renegade to need somebody" "you're a cowboy like me" "maybe you ran with the wolves and refused to settle down" "I used to skip town like an asshole outlaw". Really about two people who weren't right for anyone but each other "I used to think I must look better in the rearview". I wonder if that theme will crop up at all in TTPD but from the other side. No titles immediately stick out but I'd love if there was a reference to it.

oh yes she loves a rebel a thief an outlaw a ghost a phantom!! she frequently points out how it felt that she was getting away with something - which is a common experience when you fall in love with someone who just seems AMAZING. but i do wonder what she'll say now when they were both "in it" together and now... no. i feel like that might be the bolter.

[cursed-man-prayers]

taylor swift lyrics i relate to as an autistic person:

I’d give you my sunshine, give you my best; but the rain is always gonna come if you’re standing with me (peace)

Before I learned civility, I used to scream ferociously anytime I wanted (seven)

How did I go from growing up to breaking down? (nothing new)

And my cheeks are growing tired from turning red and faking smiles (nothing new)

I’ve never been a natural, all I do is try, try, try (mirrorball)

I can change everything about me to fit in (mirrorball)

No one wanted to play with me as a little kid, so I’ve been scheming like a criminal ever since, to make them love me and make it seem effortless (mastermind)

Sometimes I feel like everybody is a sexy baby, and I’m a monster on the hill (anti-hero)

I’ve been having a hard time adjusting; I had the shiniest wheels now they’re rusting (this is me trying)

I was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere, fell behind all my classmates and ended up here (this is me trying)

And I cut off my nose just to spite my face, then hate my reflection for years and years (the archer)

I rewind the tape but all it does is pause on the very moment all was lost, sending signals to be double crossed (evermore)

Break my soul in two looking for you, but you’re right here. If I can’t relate to you anymore, then who am I related to? (coney island)

This dorm was once a madhouse, I made a joke, “Well, it’s made for me.” (champagne problems)

I always felt I must look better in the rearview (long story short)

To you, everything’s funny, you’ve got nothing to regret. I’d give all I have, honey, if you could stay like that) (never grow up?)

[blackberry-bloody]

Dayzel's rescue pt.2

Part 1 here

CWs: whumpee thinking caretaker is new whumper

“Mibium huh? So you’re the angel he used to scream for.” Dayzel heard Rupert remark from somewhere behind him. “I’m impressed. It took him almost a year before he bowed like that for me. I wonder-”

“You have the money, can we go now?” Mibium’s voice interrupted. He sounded tense… Frustration clear in his voice. Though Dayzel couldn’t tell if the frustration was directed at Rupert or him. Another wave of shudders wracked through him at the thought.

“He’s all yours.” Rupert called from behind, sounding all too smug.

“Damn right.” Mibium narrowed his eyes at Rupert and made a shoo-ing gesture with his hand. Followed by the sound of a door opening and closing. Leaving Dayzel alone with Mibium for the first time in over two years… But everything was different now. He was different now. A million thoughts and questions swam in his head but he didn’t dare voice any of them. Not before he knew what the consequences would be.

He suddenly flinched hard, earning a pained groan from his strained and tense muscles, feeling Mibium’s soft and warm hand against his freezing cold shoulder. He glanced up briefly at him, wanting to gauge his reaction, but Mibium had an unreadable expression. “I’m sorry.” It was all he could do… Apologize. Apparently he had a lot he would be apologizing for… One way or another. 

“It’s ok Dazzle. Let’s get you home, eh?” Mibium’s voice was soft… None of the anger before. But the use of his nickname felt twisted in the moment… A petname. All too fitting for right now. But all he could do was nod in agreement. He started to stand, only to find himself far too wobbly and weak in the knees. He almost went to try again, but Mibium stopped him and expertly scooped him up effortlessly. This was what Dayzel had wanted… What he’d dreamed about. What he’d begged for. For two years. But not like this… Never like this. He couldn’t take comfort in his former boyfriend turned owner’s hold. Not when he knew what kind of damage Mibium could… And probably would… Do to him. If he could pick Dayzel up and carry him down flights of stairs all the way to his big purple pickup truck, all without so much as breaking a sweat, he knew he would be able to effortlessly shatter Dayzel if he wanted. Dayzel was determined not to give him any more reason to…

Mibium finally put him down on the passenger seat of the truck, buckling him up and giving him a soft smile, before closing the door and walking around to the driver’s side. For a split second Dayzel thought about running. About running off and never looking back. But he shook the thought off… If He’d hurt Mibium this badly? Badly enough to buy him back like this for some form of closure or vengeance? Then he deserved to stay and take whatever punishment was coming to him. No more running.

Mibium climbed in the driver’s side, started the truck up, and they were on their way. Dayzel glanced over to the rearview mirror and watched as the place he’d been held for two years finally disappeared beyond the horizon. He only looked away when something was placed in his lap. Well… Three somethings. His favorite sweater and red pair of gloves. He looked up at Mibium who returned his gaze briefly. “Go on. You don’t even have a shirt on, you must be freezing. I held onto them for you.”

Dayzel hesitated, thinking about how the old him would quip back about him being an ice demon so the cold didn’t affect him, but instead all he could muster up was- “Why?” as he carefully pulled the sweater on over his head, his gloves following soon after. They felt good.

He knew asking was risky… But he had to know. And Mibium always had a way of pulling the real Dayzel out… For better or worse. It was one of the things Dayzel had loved- and feared- when they were together. And now was no exception.

“I knew I’d see you again. And I wanted you to have those for when we met again…” Mibium didn’t look over this time. Too focused on the barely lit roads taking them home. 

Dayzel wrung his hands in his lap, his tail wrapped around his leg tightly. “I… I don’t understand…” How long has Mibium been planning this revenge?

“That’s ok. We can talk more when we get you home.” Mibium half smiled and reached over to turn on the radio. 

Dayzel felt himself flush and shut his mouth, knowing when to take a hint now… Mibium was being kind in how he was telling Dayzel to shut the hell up. And for that he was grateful… He settled in for a long drive home, trying his best not to think about the inevitable.

—

Mibium was kind enough to carry Dayzel inside too. Placing him down on the couch in the living room before going to lock up the truck and front door. Dayzel looked around… It felt familiar. It felt like the closest thing to home since Beth had disowned him. There were a few things Mibium had changed, but it mostly was the same. He felt the tears starting…

He quickly tried to wipe them away before Mibium returned but he was too late. Mibium round the corner and looked at him. He took a step closer, opening his mouth to say something but Dayzel stopped him. There was no going back now… Might as well make the most of it.

“Why?! Why buy me back? What did I do?! What could I possibly have done that warrants this?!” Dayzel sobbed. Mibium, startled, took a step back. “I mean, I know I wasn’t a good boyfriend… But Come on! I- I was trying!”

“You didn’t do anything Dayzel…”

Dayzel burst out into a fit of tearful laughter. “I was that bad huh?” He shook his head… “Please… Just punish me. Or Kill me. Or whatever you’re gonna do to me. But - I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you I SWEAR!” The couch was freezing over along with him. Mibium took the chance to step closer and knelt down to be eye level.

“Dazzle listen to me… Why do you think I’m going to hurt you.”

“WHY?!” he looked at Mibium like he was crazy. “Because you bought me back as a PET!” He sobbed harder. He couldn’t control it now even if he wanted to.

“Is that what he told you?” Mibium’s voice cut through his panic and made him look up. He hesitated before nodding. “Dayzel… He ransomed you to me…”

“Oh…” was all Dayzel could manage before he broke completely and his body crumpled into Mibium in utter exhaustion, still sobbing into the larger man’s shoulder.

[jonismitchell]

excellent fun till you get to know her 🤝 actually i always felt i must look better in the rearview

[youareinlove]

I think a lot more of the album was written about Joe and edited to be more about Matty so most people would swing at Matty and NOT Joe. Also for the sake of storytelling she edited it to make the album more concise and more ambiguous (all breakups are the same!!).

I also think we know so little about Joe and their relationship that it’s hard to decipher what is really about him because if he were to come out and say “ actually, these private and shitty issues are about me and I want credit for being this album’s muse” it will make him look horrible. People are super quick to forget rep Taylor wrote him as a huge player that was hesitant to commit to her because his public persona doesn’t translate that way. Pretty much the entirety of his public image was shaped by Taylor, and he never was able to shape his brand other than extremely private and somewhat replaceable serious actor with an extremely successful popstar gf. I sometimes wonder if Taylor wrote midnights with the same brutal honesty of TTPD how the public’s perception of him would be. but cososom is soooo more than 2 muses coded in a way I can’t really explain in a quick anon ask. It’s about the what if of so many relationships in a similar way to midnights.

see my maybe unpopular (?) opinion is that i don’t think the mixed muse situation is meant to protect joe, because “all’s fair in love and poetry” kind of implies that no one is protected. and fwiw, i do think we didn’t know much about him, but we definitely knew quite a lot about their relationship. it’s in the music and a lot of it is in between the lines, but it’s there. the lack of brutal honesty on midnights had more to do with how she couldn’t even be that honest with herself yet, and also, releasing songs about someone is going to be different when you have to come home to them. i think the mixed muses on ttpd is an artistic choice to get the microwave/oven thing across.

but also i 100% understand why you feel the way you do about cososom because literally yes it’s about a pattern that was MUCH broader than these two. cososom = a song about her feeling like she’s always a fixture of memory while also being constantly forgotten, and those themes are all over her discography. it’s “i always felt i must look better in the rearview” and “now that we’re done and it’s over, i bet you couldn’t believe when you realized i’m harder to forget than i was to leave” and “but you keep my old scarf” and “once i fix me, he’s going to miss me” and “what you heard is true but i can’t stop thinking about you” while also being “i just don’t understand how you don’t miss me” and “and i’ll feel you forget me like i used to feel you breathe” and “he never thinks of me except when i’m on tv.” she has just always struggled on some level with feeling like she’s loved more in memory while also feeling easily forgotten and discarded (and guess who did that to her first btw)

[dontyoufinditstrange]

Evermore Lyrics That Alter My Brain Chemistry

Willow:

"the more that you say the less i know" "i'm begging for you to take my hand, wreck my plans" "anywhere else is hollow"

Champagne Problems:

"i never was ready so i'll watch you go" "you won't remember all my champagne problems"

Gold Rush:

"i don't like that falling feels like flying til the bone crush" "cause it could never be" "i can't dare to dream about you anymore" "eyes like sinking ships on water so inviting i almost jump in"

Tis The Damn Season

"there's an ache in you put there by the ache in me" "the road not taken looks real good now" "you can run but only so far" "now i'm missing your smile hear me out" "the heart i know i'm breaking is my own"

Tolerate It:

"if it's all in my head tell me now, tell me i've got it wrong somehow" "i know my love should be celebrated, but you tolerate it" "where's that man who threw blankets over my barbed wire?" "i made you my temple, my mural, my sky, now i'm begging for footnotes in the story of your life" "always taking up too much space or time"

Happiness:

"showed you all of my hiding spots" "i was dancing when the music stopped" "tell me when did your winning smile begin to look like a smirk?" "when did all our lessons start to look like weapons pointed at my deepest hurt?" "i can't make it go away by making you a villain" "no one teaches you what to do when a good man hurts you and you know you hurt him too"

Dorothea:

"making a lark of the misery" "i got nothing but well wishes for you" "this place is the same as it ever was" "it's never too late to come back to my side" "and if you're ever tired of being known for who you know, you know, you'll always know me" "but are you still the same soul i met under the bleachers?"

Coney Island:

"if i can't relate to you anymore then who am i related to?" "did i shatter you?" "will you forgive my soul?" "did i leave you hanging every single day?" "did i paint your bluest skies the darkest gray?" "a universe away"

Ivy:

"your touch brought forth an incandescent glow" "tarnished but so grand" "grieving for the living" "i can't stop you putting roots in my dream land" "my house of stone, your ivy grows, and now i'm covered in you" "it's a fire, it's a goddamn blaze in the dark and you started it"

Cowboy Like Me:

"now i know, i'm never gonna love again" "it could be love" "we could be the way forward and i know i'll pay for it" "now you hang from my lips like the gardens of babylon" "forever is the sweetest con"

Long Story Short

"actually, i always felt i must look better in the rearview" "now i just know there's more" "and my waves meet your shore ever and evermore" "past me i wanna tell you not to get caught in these petty things" "and he feels like home"

Marjorie:

"i should've asked you questions, i should've asked you how to be" "never be so kind you forget to be clever, never be so clever you forget to be kind" "never be so polite you forget your power, never wield such power you forget to be polite"

Closure:

"it cut deep to know you, right to the bone" "don't treat me like a situation that needs to be handled" "i'm fine with my spite and my tears and my beers and my candles" "i'm just a wrinkle in your new life"

Evermore:

"grey november, i've been down since july" "i replay my footsteps on each stepping stone, trying to find the one where i went wrong" "writing letters addressed to the fire" "and i was catching my breath, staring out an open window catching my death" "hey december, guess i'm feeling unmoored" "can't remember what i used to fight for" "barefoot in the wildest winter catching my death" "and when i was shipwrecked, i thought of you" "in the cracks of light, i dreamed of you"

[howitglistened]

when you think tim mcgraw, i hope you think of me / you never called it what it was ‘til we were dead and gone and buried / check the pulse and come back swearing it’s the same after three months in the grave / i bet you couldn’t believe when you realized i’m harder to forget than i was to leave / i bet you think about me / love to think you’ll never forget, hand prints in wet cement / say you’ll remember me standing in a nice dress, starting at the sunset, babe / you’ll see me in hindsight, tangled up with you all night, burning it down / someday when you leave me i bet these memories will follow you around / i knew you’d miss me once the thrill expired / actually, i always felt i must look better in the rearview / missing me at the golden gates they once held the keys to / and he never thinks of me except for when i’m on tv

[threewaywithdelusion]

Chapter Two of my Stranger Things soulmate fic is out now!

~~~

After Starcourt, Robin became a constant presence in his life.

Steve had spent a vast majority of his childhood and teenage years with Tommy and Carol — lazy afternoons spent by the pool, sleepovers where they giggled as they snuck Carol into Tommy’s house after dark, hungover mornings at the diner where they guzzled coffee and gossiped about the last night’s events — so he thought he knew what it was to spend a lot of time with a person. Tommy and Carol had been his constant companions — the people he had inside jokes with and who kept their favorite foods in his fridge and who could tell what Steve was feeling better than he could himself.

Tommy and Carol had nothing on Steve’s friendship with Robin.

The two of them spent the rest of the summer together, at Steve’s house mostly since there was no parental supervision. They talked for hours and watched movies together and blasted music when the silence got too loud. Robin tried to cook a few times, but she was a disaster in the kitchen. Steve relegated her to sous-chef, chopping vegetables while he did the rest, but after she nearly chopped off her own fingers while gesturing with a very large knife in her hand, he told her to just sit on the counter and look pretty while he did all the work.

She had paused for a moment when he’d said that, a little almost unnoticeable hesitation, and Steve had frozen as well.

Because that sounded flirtatious, didn’t it?

He hadn’t been trying to flirt, but Steve seemed to have three modes: flirty teenager, bitchy jock, and annoyed mother. It was hard to know who to be around Robin. He tried to be the real Steve, but he didn’t always know who that was.

He slipped, sometimes, without meaning to. Because Robin was his soulmate and she was a pretty girl and some part of Steve felt hard-wired to flirt with both those categories of people.

But he saw how uncomfortable it made her.

It was the middle of August and Robin hadn’t mentioned liking girls since the mall bathroom.

Steve cleared his throat awkwardly, looking away.

Robin pushed herself onto the counter, apparently electing to ignore the uncomfortable undercurrent to his instructions.

By the time Steve finished cooking, they were back to their usual dynamics, Robin teasing him as he complained about the steam from the pot ruining his hair.

Sometimes, Steve and Robin hung out and didn’t even do anything together. With his concussion finally fading — it wasn’t all the way gone, but Steve was tired of avoiding everything in the world — Steve returned to the basketball court. He would take Lucas a few times a week, because Lucas was thinking of trying out for the team when school started again, and Robin would sit at the side of the court and read while Steve chased Lucas around, correcting his form and trying to pass on everything he knew.

“Are you sure you aren’t dating?” Dustin asked suspiciously as he climbed into the backseat of Steve’s car one day.

“Yes,” Steve and Robin said simultaneously.

Dustin scowled. “She’s literally always here these days. I can’t remember the last time I saw you without Robin.”

“Hey, be nice,” Steve said.

“I used to have shotgun privileges,” Dustin said huffily, crossing his arms. He must have exaggerated the gesture so it would catch Steve’s attention in the rearview mirror.

Soulmates get shotgun privileges. Steve almost said it, but he managed to catch the words just before they fell out of his mouth.

“She’s my best friend,” he said instead.

“I thought I was your best friend,” Dustin said. He sounded really, truly hurt and that was what made Steve take this conversation seriously. He might have gotten a C in English but he knew what subtext was — it was his parents’ favorite mode of communication.

This wasn’t about what seat Dustin got in the car.

“She’s my best friend who’s my age,” Steve amended. “But you’re right, that shouldn’t mean she gets automatic shotgun. Next time, dude, you get the front.”

He stopped bringing Robin to his hangouts with Dustin after that. Lucas didn’t seem to mind her presence at the basketball courts, so Steve kept taking Robin there, and of course he brought her to all the group hangouts, but he tried to find some balance and make sure the kids didn’t feel like they were being abandoned.

They had already lost enough.

The problem was that Steve felt like he couldn’t get enough of Robin. Even being practically glued to each others’ sides, they somehow never ran out of things to talk about.

They didn’t mention what she’d confessed at Starcourt. But Robin told Steve all about her dreams of traveling Europe. About her language tapes and her little genius ears. He heard about her parents and how they loved her, but never in the right ways. How her mom still put onions in every dish, even though Robin hated the texture.

“Is onion powder okay?” Steve asked.

“I don’t know,” Robin said. “Probably.”

So Steve made her dinner using onion powder and Robin said it was good and Steve stopped buying onions altogether. Also mushrooms, because Robin said they were slimy, and raspberries, because Robin thought they were hairy.

Theoretically, Steve could still buy the foods for himself, but Robin tended to eat two meals a day at his place and Steve wasn’t attached enough to any of them to keep buying them. Instead, he let Robin convert him to the wonders of her special trail mix — m&ms, popcorn, pretzels, and sour candy — and made sure her favorite drinks were stocked.

Sometimes he wondered if he shouldn’t do these things. If they were things he would only do for a girlfriend or a soulmate and he shouldn’t go so far for someone who was just a friend.

But it felt impossibly hard to distance himself from Robin. He always wanted her there. She made him laugh harder than anyone else and she indulged all his strange whims, like his soulmate obsession and his need to keep a bloody, nail-studded bat propped against his bedside table.

She didn’t judge him for anything. Steve never told her why he hated the pool, but she must have seen him shudder at it because she never asked to go in, even when it got ridiculously hot outside. She must have seen that Steve’s parents were never home and that Steve didn’t think it was as cool as he’d always told his high school friends, because she invited Steve to family dinners at her house where her parents asked polite questions about his life and laughed at his jokes and acted more like family than Steve’s parents ever had.

He’d accidentally heard Robin’s mom interrogating her after one of those dinners, asking if Steve was Robin’s boyfriend, and Robin stammering through an unconvincing explanation of why they weren’t compatible. He’d been certain he wouldn’t be invited back again. But Robin had stubbornly invited him back the next week, and the one after that, and kept doing it, even though it complicated things for her, because it made Steve happy.

Steve really, really loved her.

He was in love with her, yes. But he also just… loved her. Loved her carelessly and unconditionally, like a child who’d never been hurt before.

He wondered if this was how it felt to love a soulmate, but loving Nancy hadn’t been like this. Loving Nancy had been exhilarating and rewarding and fraught, like trying to cross a tightrope high in the air.

Loving Robin was comfortable. At least for Steve.

Robin must like him at least a little, to spend so much time around him. But she still hadn’t brought up liking girls again.

Steve felt so free around Robin. He didn’t hide his idiosyncratic behavior, or his fear of odd things like flickering lights and dogs, or the migraines that left him bedridden and crying.

Steve wished Robin felt that free around him.

Continue reading on AO3.

[taylorswiftdebut]

ACTUALLY i always felt i must look better in the rearview

[dearreader]

y’all ever just have a taylor swift lyric that feels like she ripped it directly from your thoughts? like you know you thought of that same thing and then hearing her sing it hits you like a bullet train to the chest?

yeah anytime i hear “actually, i always felt i must look better in the rearview” i feel like taylor read my journal from high school

[lifewouldbebetteronmars]

31 Days of Angstmas 2022

Hold Me Steady When I’m Freaking Out

My Time, My Wine, My Spirit, My Trust

I Always Felt I Must Look Better In Rearview

Friends Don’t Look At Friends That Way

To The Brilliant, Kindhearted, Tortured Alastair Carstairs

Day 6

Day 7

Day 8

Day 9

Day 10

Day 11

Day 12

Day 13

Day 14

Day 15

Day 16

Day 17

Day 18

Day 19

Day 20

Day 21

Day 22

Day 23

Day 24

Day 25

Day 26

Day 27

Day 28

Day 29

Day 30

Day 31