#i also want him to stop killing troupe members because i am quite fond of some of them so. i am biased in that regard as well dsfjhk

[sea-of-ash]

Something something something etc the achingly horrifying imagery in ep 45 with Kurapika being pulled upward and absolutely entangled in his own chains gave me such visceral nausea.

It makes absolute sense what he's doing and why he's doing it, of course, but one of the things I've been figuring out while picking apart and putting together this au i'm working on for him and leorio, is that it is Impossible to separate Kurapika from his grief and anger. Understandably. What he went through and what he continues to go through is fucking terrible. But.

I just want him to be happy and enjoy the little things and appreciate his friends.. and the fact of the matter is that I don't think he knows How To unless forced into situations that demand it (exhibit a; the hunter exam, where he Has to befriend Gon, Killua, and Leorio)... which says a LOT about his priorities. He really is starving himself of happiness. So many people have told him to drop the vengeance, and I understand why he can't, but also!! He is destroying himself!! His friends and the narrative and literally everyone are trying to keep him from doing so but he simply can't imagine a world without his anger and ahhhghgh blergh

This is a long, needlessly complicated way to say I'm processing the fact that one of my favorite characters simply doesn't know how to be a human being, much less Live, and it kills me to watch how his friends care about him so much in comparison to how he treats himself. Been thinking about tombs a lot lately (probably because I'm rereading Harrow the Ninth, tbh), and Kurapika's dedication to killing off the members of the spider-- not necessarily stealing the eyes back, because that I can absolutely get behind-- but killing people... even if those people are terrible, it obviously isn't making him feel better, he dug a grave for Uvo... it feels like he's made himself into a tomb, and all he knows how to do anymore is preserve that grief and anger in order to keep himself going. Because as he said in those first few episodes, his greatest fear is that one day his anger will leave him. Because he doesn't know who he is anymore without it. Which is Horrifying, in the sense that the phantom troupe may not have been there to literally kill him alongside his clan, but I would argue emotionally and mentally... they've done the next best thing.

Anyway! Thinking about him makes me physically ill and I ought to go back to working on that au lol <3 peace