#i also wanna read the book (books? dunno) sometime but i really cant right now

[leapingthroughworlds]

i just finished watching good omens and good lord is it wonderful!!!! i can finally get it why tumblr is all over the ineffable husbands they truly are something else entirely

[diversemymedia]

I'm writing a detective and assistant "Sherlock Holmes-style" gay couple short story/book mystery series set in Chicago which means I have to write diversely and that's getting too much for me. I'm trying to look up and read things from Mexican-Americans, Puerto Rican-Americans, Italian-Americans, Irish-Americans, Indian-Americans, Chinese-Americans, African-Americans, etc to make my stories more realistic. It's just so hard and making my head swirl to think about how many beta and sensitivity readers I'll need to make these stories turn out right and authentic to the point it'll cost too much to do. There are so many tropes to avoid and "don't do" lists that it feels exhausting reading on writing-with-color. Can I just not give characters races in my short stories and books or is that too much of a cop-out? Why is this so hard for a writer who is a poc?

firstly, I just wanna say that no one's perfect and all of our journeys are different. and honestly, I don't know if you want to hear this but i would probably recommend taking it easy a bit. if you're becoming too anxious about making mistakes that might offend people, it's probably just best to stick to your guns and stick with what you know.

i would ask the time period in which your story takes place because if it were set in earlier times, I could understand why you might be so inclined to look up things related to said groups, culturally. but at the same time, i just want to say that it's okay to write characters just like you would any other. I was told by a user once that "not all tropes are bad tropes" and ever since then, I started writing a lot more freely because I was just like you--terrified to make mistakes and i thought all tropes were inherently bad, but that's not always the case. For instance, most white women might hate the damsel in distress trope, but i've seen some black women sort of like the idea of having to be protected and rescued by characters who adore them because it's a refreshing take. but that being said, there's also nothing wrong with black women being badasses who know hand-to-hand combat. i have female characters (3 black, 1 east asian, 1 mena, all diff age groups) who I wanted to write them so perfectly to avoid them from coming off unlikeable but it's set in an apocalypse, and realistically, people will change, people will kill, people will get angry, people will be cowards, and bad things will happen to them. now, i do try to handle those types of things delicately and try not to go overboard (for instance i cannot kill off the only character of said race. something about that just seems wrong to me) but it's all about learning, and sometimes, it really is best to stick with what you know and follow your gut. if something feels wrong to you, redact it. im black so clearly, the majority of my characters are black. i also have some nonblack poc but there is also the option of just characters be "poc-coded" (dunno if that term is offensive, if it is, forgive me) such as physical traits and/or dialects. that tends to work for me because a lot people are standoffish and many of my characters are on the go and it doesn't involve a lot of getting familiar with people. so try using the "show, dont tell" method. maybe your characters can be overheard communicating a different language to someone else and that's literally good enough.

I think its also great that you're doing research, but im worried that relying on too much on information might make your characters lack three-dimensionality. For instance, lets say you're writing a character who was born in alabama and you're so afraid of making them come across as violent or poor (i.e. tropes that are often associated with black/brown people) that you avoid any sort of confrontation with this character so you build them up to be this perfect person. they attended an HBCU, were raised in an extremely wealthy family with two parents, they dress really dapper, speak extremely proper, and he's super nice to everyone...and that's it. i mean, there's nothing wrong with it--you avoided the negative tropes and they're a nice character, but there's not really much gradation to them and it makes them less interesting. again, that's just my personal take and some people are okay with that. everyone's different and you cant please everyone. im more than with characters being messy and not so perfect.

you can make mistakes and writing is essentially just writing what you think would make a good story. some things might work, some things might not and i that's okay. i understand that we're also in an extremely critical generation right now but don't let it stop you from making mistakes because it's how we learn. if there happens to be an issue with that you've written just take a mental note of it and avoid it.

not much of a tip, but just some advice. happy writing!

[quackspot]

imagine someone just going 1-200 and you have to answer 200 questions for a stranger

well u better strap up becuase im about to do it

200: My crush’s name is: i dunno who do u think my crush’s name is199: I was born in: a year which is 2004198: I am really: a homo sapien197: My cellphone company is:  i think its samsung196: My eye color is: brown195: My shoe size is: 9 or 9.5 i think just 9194: My ring size is: WAIT RINGS HAD SIZES????? i dunno193: My height is: 5′4 ISH but i just say 5′4 because im actually really sensitive about my height and the less than an inch that brings me to 5′4 makes me somewhat happier with myself192: I am allergic to: maybe dustmites 191: My 1st car was: not yet190: My 1st job was: NOT YET189: Last book you read: technically a book called Dad Jokes theyre really funny jokes but if you mean story with plot then probably Grand & Humble unless if you include everything then yesterday i peeked in some books188: My bed is: a bed which i sleep in and that’s pretty much it actually i havent really made my bed in a while 187: My pet: jax and nibsy r the family pets jax is a shih-poo shihtzu poodle mix and nibsy is a cat186: My best friend: my brother185: My favorite shampoo is: shampoo184: Xbox or ps3: hard choice there’s xbox overall and little big planet this is actually a very hard choice lksiiro3jedsklmf,gsda little big planet is great........................183: Piggy banks are: piggy banks. theyre great182: In my pockets: I DONT HAVE POCKETS IM A WOMAN181: On my calendar: whats a calendar lol!!!!180: Marriage is: marriage 179: Spongebob can: dodod od odo dodooo178: My mom: IS GREAT i lov her shes a good mom177: The last three songs I bought were? i dont buy songs i listen to them176: Last YouTube video watched: i mean im listening to boyfriend big time rush on youtube right now but if you mean actual watching its snufkin saying “hi moomin” to moomin a quick 6 second clip175: How many cousins do you have? i duno174: Do you have any siblings? yeah173: Are your parents divorced? yeah172: Are you taller than your mom? probably not :(171: Do you play an instrument? i play the trumpet i did it today and it was really boring i dont want to go to any more graduations not even my own170: What did you do yesterday? things[ I Believe In ]169: Love at first sight: not really but somewhat and i like it because its a fun little thing to put in fiction 168: Luck: yea im very lucky167: Fate: its my destiny to die someday . . .. .  in the futuuuuuuuuuuure

166: Yourself: as far as im aware no165: Aliens: yeah probably164: Heaven: i know it probably isnt real but i cant help believing163: Hell:i know it probably isnt real but i cant help believing162: God: only to blame them for stuff161: Horoscopes: yea theyre fun to read160: Soul mates: ehehehehehhe fun in fanfiction and would greatly b ok with it irl159: Ghosts: who else would hold my hand at night...... not even a ghost :) (but yea i do believe in them when i grow up i wana be a ghost)158: Gay Marriage: why wouldnt i believe in gay marriage 157: War: what is it good for156: Orbs: borb155: Magic: i like magic so i will believe in it [ This or That ]154: Hugs or Kisses: yes153: Drunk or High: probably high i guess152: Phone or Online: ONLINE151: Red heads or Black haired: black haired 150: Blondes or Brunettes: BRUNETTES dude blondes r ok but i personally like darker hair149: Hot or cold: hot148: Summer or winter: SUMMER I HATE WINTER SO FUCKIGNT OASJKU*($@IRWJKOSDIUOKLJEZUDIFLK:LDSK:LKF:LJIODSKZVDJFKL mostly becuase i hate being cold and i hate snow becuase i have to shovel snow and its so cold147: Autumn or Spring: either one 146: Chocolate or vanilla: choc o late145: Night or Day: night144: Oranges or Apples: apples143: Curly or Straight hair: curly but i guess straight is ok142: McDonalds or Burger King: burbger king good milkshakese141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: idk uhh milk chocolate140: Mac or PC: pc139: Flip flops or high heals: neither......138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: ugly and rich i can just buy surgeries to make me prettier lmao137: Coke or Pepsi: coke136: Hillary or Obama: i dont wanna answer this :(((((( i dont like being bullied135: Burried or cremated: cremated babye put me in the flames ;3c134: Singing or Dancing: i like singing i like dancing i like trains 133: Coach or Chanel: what132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: who are these people131: Small town or Big city: im just a mere small town babye ;3c big cities sound scary 130: Wal-Mart or Target: target has the good cheeseballs129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: i only know adam sandler128: Manicure or Pedicure: i dont do my nails 127: East Coast or West Coast: uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh both are coasts126: Your Birthday or Christmas: birthday i get more gifts then uwu125: Chocolate or Flowers: chocolate124: Disney or Six Flags: disney because idk what six flags is isnt it a restaurant or something123: Yankees or Red Sox: a baseball bat [ Here’s What I Think About ]122: War: what is it good for!121: George Bush: idk 120: Gay Marriage: yeah gay rights119: The presidential election: im not that into politics so i dont understand the elections and i dont think their fair since i get all my facts from adam ruins everything this isnt even a joke118: Abortion: pro choice i dont giv a crap about some lifeless baby. its only alive if it can properly move its arms or cry or feel.117: MySpace: haha dead116: Reality TV: idk 115: Parents: theyre parents 114: Back stabbers: ow my back113: Ebay: website.... money112: Facebook: lizard man111: Work: what110: My Neighbors: idk who they are but my old neighbor was one of my best friends i should talk to him this summer109: Gas Prices: probably too high108: Designer Clothes: clothes107: College: something i dont plan on going to any time soon106: Sports: something i dont plan on doing any time soon105: My family: a family104: The future: spooky. very scary. idk what my job will be[ Last time I ]103: Hugged someone: idk (update it was today)102: Last time you ate: 4:13 ish i made ramne101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: i duno100: Cried in front of someone: today i suppose i almost cried???? maybe my dentist appointment a few weeks ago??99: Went to a movie theater: lego movie 2 i think98: Took a vacation: 6th grade im in 9th grade now its been like 3 years97: Swam in a pool: over 1 year i dont go to the pool anymore96: Changed a diaper: NEVER AND I NEVER PLAN ON IT95: Got my nails done: i duno94: Went to a wedding: i also dunno its been too long93: Broke a bone: not that i can recal92: Got a peircing: never and never will91: Broke the law: i duno90: Texted: just now i told my mommy to pick me up it wasl ike 1 hour ago[ MISC ]89: Who makes you laugh the most: me88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: my momy and nibsy and jax and probably zach but he’d already move out by the time i leave87: The last movie I saw: i dont remember probably lego movie 2 or osmething on tv86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: next year drama club85: The thing im not looking forward to: dying?????? idk man 84: People call me: moto moto (not really idk what they call me)83: The most difficult thing to do is: the most difficult thing82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: never though i probs will someday81: My zodiac sign is: aquarius sun leo moon aries rising80: The first person i talked to today was: probably kiley79: First time you had a crush: kindergarten i think78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: myself77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: idk76: Right now I am talking to: nobody 75: What are you going to do when you grow up: *has a crisis over my future plans as i do not know*74: I have/will get a job: im gona work at target or burger king next year maybe it depends on if they like me73: Tomorrow: 5/20..............72: Today: today71: Next Summer: in a theater near u70: Next Weekend: my first summer weekend 69: I have these pets: I ALREAD YSAID WHAT PETS I HAVE I LOVE NIBSY WITH ALL MY HEART and jax with some extra parts of my heart68: The worst sound in the world: a sound67: The person that makes me cry the most is: me66: People that make you happy: me65: Last time I cried: ealier today64: My friends are: online63: My computer is: on62: My School: is a school61: My Car: nonexistent 60: I lose all respect for people who: are really mean and seem to hate people for being happy. people who make jokes that make me uncomfortable. i generally avoid them.59: The movie I cried at was: all of them58: Your hair color is: brown57: TV shows you watch: idk56: Favorite web site: idk probs youtube55: Your dream vacation: nowhere 54: The worst pain I was ever in was: A FEW WEEKS AGO I GOT STITCHES IN MY MOUTH AND IT REALLY HURT UGHGTUERIJOKFLDc53: How do you like your steak cooked: edible52: My room is: a room51: My favorite celebrity is: myslef..... just kidding idk any celebs 50: Where would you like to be: where i am 49: Do you want children: no 48: Ever been in love: hoo ha hoo ha i duno how love feels exactly47: Who’s your best friend: MY BROTHER46: More guy friends or girl friends: guys i think 99% of my friends are my brothers friends so45: One thing that makes you feel great is: being happy44: One person that you wish you could see right now: nobody right now but sometimes kiley43: Do you have a 5 year plan: 5 years??? haha no i only plan on using savings accounts to make a bit more money and MAYBE moving to kiley but idk for sure since i like my parents and my brother and my parents plan on driving around in an rv but idk man moving to another state would be HARD and im kinda lazy and i’d have to get a whole new driver’s license 42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: no41: Have you pre-named your children: lmao all my ideas are jokes40: Last person I got mad at: probably myslef39: I would like to move to: my bed???????38: I wish I was a professional: personer. talker. socialer. [ My Favorites ]37: Candy: probably snickers or a salted nut roll36: Vehicle: big car. tahoe shape. tahoe size. idk. something like a tahoe thats my only reference35: President: I Don’t Care34: State visited: probably florida its the only one of 3 states i’ve been to33: Cellphone provider: what32: Athlete: WHAT31: Actor: idk 30: Actress: idk29: Singer: not me? me? idk28: Band: taaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally hall??? ? ?? ? ?? ? ? ? I DONT KNOWIJ DSKJZLFKSJKLDSHDLfjklskl;fdkl;sfk;laf 27: Clothing store: i legit have like no faves god this is the hardest part26: Grocery store: target probably25: TV show: maybe the simpsons???24: Movie: idk ive seen a lot of movies23: Website: one of them22: Animal: one of them21: Theme park: universal studios20: Holiday: none of them theyre all ok but ??? meh19: Sport to watch: none.18: Sport to play: idk i dont like being competitive but??????? gym class is a fun sport! :)17: Magazine: none of them16: Book: one of them15: Day of the week: wednesday sounds like a good day. maybe sundays. 14: Beach: what13: Concert attended: frankly the only concerts i’ve been to are my own12: Thing to cook: probably ramen11: Food: cheeseballs??????? burger king milkshake, a drink?10: Restaurant: buuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrger kiiiiiiiiiiing?9: Radio station: 101.9 kelo eff emmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm8: Yankee candle scent: what7: Perfume: what6: Flower: what5: Color: red or purple4: Talk show host: wha

3: Comedian: i duno2: Dog breed: one of them1: Did you answer all these truthfully?  yeah i tried but i kinda gave up slightly after i came back from a graduation party though i also kind of gave up from the start so

[transformers-why]

I was tagged once more by the beautiful and gracious @thatswhyhesprime!

Thanks for the tag, love! Tags from you are always fun! (Also if I'm one of the people you tagged that you thought were out of your league just wanted to let you knoW YOURE SO NOT OUTTA MY LEAGUE LMAO. We joined at basically the same time and have been mutuals for awhile, you're like, my awkward go-to mutual to tag in stuff like this lol. We're totally buds in my eye!)

Name: Shard or TW (T.W.)

Nickname: Uhhhhh, none, really? If any of you have a nickname for me feel free to ask if I'm chill with you calling me that! (I prolly am.)

Zodiac Sign: Taurus!

Height: A Lovely and Majestic 5"4' (162cm)

Langauges Spoken: English, and now I'm learning French which is totally great!

Nationality: I'd say American but I feel like I give off a different vibe when I go places in the lower 48, so...

Alaskan.

Favorite Fruit: Mangos! Love 'em so much. Lemons, peaches, and nectarines are good too!

Favorite Season: Winter! ALWAYS winter.

Favorite Scent: Anythin' my family or I am cooking. Or tea scents!! (& Brown sugar, lol).

Favorite color: White, since it can be any color! (And black and midnight blue.)

Favorite Animal: Definitely wolves, although Sharks, foxes, and lynx are growing on me!

Favorite Fictional Characters: Ratchet from Transformers, of course. Um, Drift, Ultra Magnus/Minimus Ambus, Knock Out, Brainstorm, and Ten! Non Tfs are Kaz Brekker (Six Of Crows), Raphael (TMNT), uhhh Kiawe and Brock (pokèmon), and many many more.

^Fun Fact: I've got a mega mega gay crush on Velocity.

Coffee, tea, or hot chocolate: TEA. EVERYDAY. ALL THE TIME. I DRINK IT FOR BREAKFAST AND LUNCH (sometimes dinner if I didnt finish it during lunch).

Number of blankets I sleep with: 3! Ones my main big blanket I usually use, next is my Sherpa to add that extra layer of Good Fluff, and then I've got a thin fleece one to make me feel nice and cozy! (In the summer tho I die and just use one or none.)

When My Blog Was Born: uuuuhHHHHH I think it's the same as you, @thatswhyhesprime, I think we joined at relatively the same time lmao.

Small Edit: I just checked and it says Jan 21st, so basically February.

Favorite Subject: French Class and Creative Writing! They're such fun classes this year! (And anything Algebra)

(And, aND CHEMISTRY STUFF CAUSE MY TEACH IS LITERALLY JUST RESPONSIBLE BRAINSTORM AND I ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND CHEM STUFF FOR ONCE!!)

Currently Watching: Well, as of right now I've been keeping tabs on Transformers Cyberverse, Rise Of The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and I've been watching The Drawfee Channel on YouTube a lot!

Favorite Band: shitshitshitshit uUUH, I dunno I listen to alot of people. This morning I listened to Bad Suns? They're good. Uhm, Day6, The Score, American Authors, Air Traffic Controller, uhhhh and BANNERS. I listen to alot of other stuff but that's the most frequent I suppose. (Along with FOB and Panic! Occasionally.)

I can totally put a link or something to my Spotify if you guys wanna check out my playlists or something, I make different ones for different situations. Like I've got 'Upbeat Airports' and I use it for travelling (and reading).

Instruments Played: Piano? A little? I've got a keyboard but I don't get to use it too often. I should. I'd love to learn violin, too!

Favorite Books: Easy. Six Of Crows and its sequel, Crooked Kingdom both by Leigh Bardugo. And A Darker Shade of Magic by V. E. Schwab. (I'm hoping its sequels are good I gotta read them). And MTMTE and LL of course! OH AND MY FAV. YOUTUBER WROTE A BOOK TOO! I've watched Stacyplays' videos since I was younger and now I just,, always keep up with her? Shes super fun and I love her vlogs and alot of her gaming series'. The book she wrote is Wild Rescuers: Guardians Of The Tiaga. It's the first of many to come!! I really enjoyed it.

And then I'm supposed to tag like 20 ppl to do this??

I dunno enough people for that lol.

So uh, @ask-eclipsemtmte-stuff, @primussavethesemechs, @chaotickindbird, uhhhhh @weird-squish-cube, @scremlin (you are on a hiatus thingy tho, so you totally dont have to do this. Not that anybody else HAS to or anything.), @toto-the-cactus,,

And... I've got such a bad memory for this kinda stuff??? I cant remember blog names well at all lol, sorry folks. Thanks for reading!

[simp-for-snakelady]

tw big feelings and possible derealization? i dunno this would probably mess with my head

i just want it to be different. i don’t know what i want to be different or how or how soon or how fast or gradually different but i want it to be different. i want my friendship with my best friend to go back to how it was a few days ago before i had a break down and they were blunt about helping me because it was what i needed and it worked but now things feel off and im probably just imagining it but i feel like they only keep me around now because he would feel guilty leaving someone as fucked up as me behind. and i want things to go back to how they were when i was a little kid and i want things to go back to how they were when my friend would make sure to say goodnight the same way every night and i want to go back to reading those i spy books i read in elementary school. they made me feel like i was actually real and they felt more like the real world than what im actually living in now has ever felt. they felt like amber and gold but also like a deep hole. they felt the way listening to my favorite podcast does and they felt like rain when it was warm out, those weird times when it’ll rain while it’s sunny and golden out? it felt like my favorite museum exhibits but if they were out of focus and warmer. they felt the way nostalgia does but in the moment, not in the distant future when you realize too late that you forgot to appreciate things the way they were. i crave things that make me feel like that again. i want to experience everything at once but some days i’d rather run the risk of never getting anything done just for one more minute in bed. i wish those minutes that i do take would last for hours, just lazily laying in my bed. that would be so much better with someone else to lay with me. i crave a romantic relationship but i never fall for people who will fall back and when i do i don’t realize i have until they’ve gotten back up and moved on with their life. i crave a sexual relationship but the idea of seeing anyone else’s body makes me want to spiral. i cant stand that thought but i want to be close to another person in that way. its infuriating. will i ever be loved the right way for me? if i am will the other person be okay with that? i think if the ocean was a person i’d like to have sex with them. wild and mysterious but also sometimes calm and completely transparent. i don’t think i’d do well with the constant changing but then again everyone is constantly changing. like my friends i’ve had from school, the only few i have in my grade. tonight they’re hanging out together, a group that would usually invite me. i was busy but it would have been nice to have been included. but that makes me think about how for over a month i’ve been planning my own birthday get together to which none of them are invited. it’s not like i don’t like them i just don’t know if we’re important to each other’s lives anymore. we’re different people now. but i can’t stand the thought of not having anyone at school. i feel more and more like the only people i have are miles and miles away everyday. i just want that feeling of standing in my friends kitchen at 4am making popcorn again but i don’t know if it’s going to happen again. i know im fully capable of reaching out to her too but i don’t want to seem like i’m trying too hard when she doesn’t care. i want it to feel like this past summer again but i don’t really. i was mad for someone who was mad for me and we didn’t say anything. i was trying to get past a boy who ruined a lot. i met my dog, who’s one of the best things in my life. i listened to good music and i went to groton. it was the last time i’d ever see my great grandfather. i’d love to go back to groton with my best friend. i hope he’d still love to go too. i love him so much but telling them that hurts him and i wish it didn’t because they deserve love. i just wanna drink champagne with him on a beach at midnight and yell at the ocean about our problems. although if i yell at the ocean i doubt they will want to have sex with me if they ever become human.

[bubblywimp-blog]

22 July-An Idea of What’s going on in my life

Okay! so i’ve decided to write until i get a response from you guys..or until i get bored.

okay so, it’s been a month since school started..me and Iomhara have been coping well..adjusting to the lamos in our class..well..we arent really adjusting, when the school started me and she used to practise maths sums and study….mostly because of the classes we both had..my teacher gives us a hell of a homework and the math’s one makes really hard tests..my parents take tution tests seriously so i need to study..study hard!

Flashback

Ugh! i am early again!..now i have to wait for some time until someone i know shows up..

A guy entered the door..his name is shaan..a weirdo..his gang was once playing truth or dare and i heard my name being called over..i looked in his direction and saw him pointing at me saying “this is Lara..there the one whose doodling.” and his other friend looking at me..hell that was awkward cause i caught them looking and talking about me and since they were playing truth or dare the were probably talking something like-She’s cute,i’ve a crush on her, given a chance i would go out with her..blah blah blah. not saying that i am THE CHICK but i know they were talking about this stuff cause they were embarrassed when the saw me looking, me being the generous human i am just looked their way for a minute or two and then started doddling again.

so after that incident it was awkward with them..

now its fine..i’ll come to them later

the thing now is he is the second person that enters this god damn classroom after me..its irritating because we just sit there in a really awkward silence.

I was feeling a bit nauseous so i decided to open the windows thats when i noticed the the blue team’s(this team has a real name that is a more reasonable one but can’t disclose it) senior football selections were taking place today..and fuck! thats where he was..shining like literally shining..man he was the first one i put my eyes on like aww..he is just so cute well not cute he is hot af!..we’ll name him footballer. there was also this dashing new head boy he is a goody two shoes..tani had a crush on him in 8th grade for only 6 months that is..he is incredibly cute! like the dream boyfriend..the good one the one who is sweeter than the whole honeydukes together(Harry Potter reference!)..and humble,genreous,gentle, he is every good adjective in the dictionary.but not my type.now guess what?..this guy we’ll call him Lost Teddy Bear(LTB for short - cause he sure looks like one-but in a cuter way),so LTB thought i had a crush on him cause i used to lookout for tani and  he well sometimes..okay! i’ll be honest..many times caught me saying ‘he’s there’,’look he’s coming this way’ and all this shit!

and then he started noticing and ignoring our group..i was doing the same.eventually tani got over him,i told you she is never the commitment type..kine of me but more bold i will get bored if :

i find someone new

something bad happens like he tells me to stop,he has a hardcore crush on someone,etc

or he starts looking ugly

i stop seeing him

gradually i loose interest.

btw that Nilay guy did the pineapple cut..if thats what its called..he looks so weird and i dont like it so interest meter a bit low..

now this teddy bear was also trialing..how many things can you even do eh?..like you are the head boy,so automatically you would be good in academics,you play football,you are the guy most girls would want to date..i can tell that..girls are always trying to flirt with him. the next thing that would happen is i would see him dancing and singing in two voices..like literally are you a super being or something??..plus he has read almost each and every famous book series

The Hunger Games,Maze Runner,Harry Potter,Percy Jackson,and what not

i know this much about him cause well 1.he is famous and 2.his best friend is in my class or was in my class he and GQ were really good friends and this guy had a crush on me,hell! he even waited for me..he waited for 3 years proposed 3 times like boy! i dont like you romantically! sorry but i have frien zoned you! and there is no bloddy thing in this bloddy world that can undo the effect! this guiy you know was really good..sweet and totally into me but no! me being the most stupidest human bring on the planet i friend zoned him!..the thing with me is -i dont like people who like me i want people that have no interest in me,most of the time it is like that.I had literally friend zone each and every datable guy in my class..so back to teddy bear and this teddy is in 12th grade now

so they were trialling..alot of people were there..

now back to my pretty footballer!!..my first reaction when i saw him was fuck

i mean how can someone be that hot!!

and why the hell am i writing in italics..better turn it off...its getting creepy..okay so yeah done..

i was drooling over my babe(technically he is not mine,doesnt even know i exist..) when Arya entered she is a fine gal. nice one to have a chat and talk about boys..well she is like did you see? so many guys are trialling!..and most of them are sooooo hooooot!!!

and i am like i cant see them i am lost in his beauty

“which one?” asked Arya

“the one with the red shirt” i said

“the one that blocked the ball right now?”

“yeah that one”

“he looks hot”

“do you know there is this guy in the green house..i saw him during one of those shitty house meetings..and he is just so cute!!!..and guess what! he is national level boxer and a state level football keeper!!..his personality is so awesome!..we’ll call him boxer” said Arya

“uh-huh nice one!..which grade is he in?” i asked

“11th grade i’ll take you to see him during recess” replied Arya

“righto!”

“hey do you wanna see this footballer guy face to face..they may be coming upstairs for changing!” proposed Arya

“of Course!”

so then we were waiting in the corridor which was filled with students..seniors,juniors,9th graders on the left corridor,11th graders etc on the right one..and then he entered..i swear he’s got abs...and he is so tall so cute..so awesome!..of course he did not notice me,of course he did not bother to turn and say sorry when his sweatfull body..if being more specific then- his shoulder brushed against mine..of course still he does not know that his smile makes my day..of  course he does not know that he is the reason me and Iomhara eat our lunch as fast as we can..ofcourse he wont come out when he is finished with his lunch..of course he wont bother..

i told my friends about this tani and aki said that i was being a low standard bitch who would fall for anyone fair and tall...but this is so not true,pratham is fair and fairly tall...i hate him.i hate him because he is a playboy.If Footballer is a playboy then i won’t be that crazy about him.

And well Iomhara was not that excited about him(this was when she had not seen him)..the same was with aura..the thing is if my friends,whenever i tell them about a guy and they don’t know him that is they have no idea of his appearance, they automatically lose interest. Plus Iomhara had a glimpse of him once and he appeared to her as FAT! like literally he has freakin’ hottie abs for heavens sake!..but then she came around and is like he is okay-okay..aura had the same opinion. but no! he is awesome i dunno what happens when i see him but the way he talks the way he smile the way he walks even though my friends say he is a bit lanky,i dont care!!..its been a month since i have been into him..! and now that i think of it,i shouldn’t waste time on people who don’t even know i exist..but then again he could know i exist,if i talk to him..but he does not even come out during lunch breaks..

anyway this aki has a crush just like mine..but this one he is  a bit different..lets call him Yan, so when i first saw him i was like “girl you deserve better”

and then aki is like i dunno i just feel something when i see him.

like literally! he is skinny, is not even that handsome!..he is even taken!!..i dont think so footballer is in a relationship.

Yan’s a 11th grader,his class is next to mine. so once he was passing by and is asked him his name,very innocently he said “Yan.”

i gotta admit that was kinda cute but still! he is a prefect!!!..anyway after a few days when i saw him again i had the urge to go and say hi so i did he even greeted back though it was with hesitation and Iomhara is like what did you just do,and i am like i wanted to say hi. A few days passed with hi’s and bye’s.Iomahara started doing it too but with a ‘bhaiya’ it means brother. she does this because she wants to make it clear that she is in no way interested in him,as for me i like to keep ‘em confused!..so this hesitation began to slip away and after that he was like ‘yeah i know these girls..so better be good and say hi’

Yesterday was the schools first academic council meeting those are the meeting in which you can complain loads about teachers and the school but no one does that cause the blame would come on you and well i was chosen along with a super smart guy of my class..he looks a bit like jerry from tom and jerry. we arrived a bit early and there was a bit of time left(or we can say our principal arrived a bit late-that bastard! always arrives late and i could not take a last round in the corridor to see my babe-not really my babe he is..)

when i arrived i saw that Yan was also there..our periodic test had just gotten over  and we were as  usual roaming the corridor when i saw Yan,Iomhara said hi to him and he returned it back but when i did,i dunno if it was the hustle bustle in the background or something but he did not notice me.. i felt kinda bad tbh..anyway during this council meeting i was hoping that footballer would represent his class but no! rather a guy who had his face shape showed up! no literally! first of all i am with all the people who just want to complain and then i need to put on my collar button see that my hair look neat and sit up straight because i am sitting in front of the principal,the vice principal,the coordinator and all the head teachers and then this footballer does not show up! anyway i told you before that Teddy Bear is the head boy so automatically he was in the meeting jotting down points next to the pretty head girl and he is so cute! a cutie literally that was the only entertainment for me! though i think he noticed me and then was like ‘this stalker girl! how can she be in this council! i dont think so  she is that good in her studies all she does is crack jokes with that girl group of hers’

and i can tell he and Yan both were dead surprised to see me there. well when my class teacher Eela told me that she had given my name for that i was too,cause i dont come sincere and studious on the first glance..atleast i dont think so i do..

anyway after all those stupid little complaints from people, a guy from 12th grade (the same year as teddy bear) came up he is the academic prefect and gave an awesome speech! like seriously dude you rock!..he was giving us tips on how to study for competitive exams.you know this guy he came 7th out of 5000 people! that too in a really tough exam! and he was keep saying that seniors should be more approachable,juniors should try to seek help from them and all i really liked this point-not with the academic meaning(know what i mean,if you don’t i make it simple for you-footballer is my senior!!!,,so i was thinking about him!) anyway the speech was so awesome! ..man so so so flattered i was!..

anyway his speech ended and then we were allowed to disperse,when i was going towards the exit and looking here and there i caught Yan’s eye and guess what? he smiled,i did not even say hi or make the first move! he genuinely smiled!!! god! if i am able to make friends with him maybe i can set things up for aki!!

and right now i am really irritated on teddy bear like seriously dude! just stop noticing me! i know you do! i feel the awkwardness!

after the meeting when we were dispersing,Iomhara and me were going down the stairs and i saw Teddy Bear talking with the head girl,they are always talking to each other..don’t tell anyone but i kinda ship them

and i can swear in front of the ministry of magic that i saw his eyes flick towards me and then back to he girl!..its bloddy awkward you know!

so thats pretty much and also the gorrila guy sid on which aura had a crush on..aura got over him! like i am so happy!!

and after sometime that animal got in a relationship with a  girl named Ifa. this sid guy is always irritated,irritated by anything..he can even be irritated if you breathe! i wont be surprised if he is irritated by his own breathing..its kind of funny to see him like that!..me and Iomhara like to irritate him! especially me !

So guys-actually i was planning to write on how my day went but i was practically writing this whole day,not this post but setting  up the account and all and i am pretty slow at things so yeah!..anyway this is pretty much about whats going on in my life right now..i will tell you about my summer vacations in a different posts,but for the time being lets keep it this much!

LaraAngel

[inthewordsofahalfgoddes]

Free Writing

I feel sick. On friday i came home dizzy feeling like I was dead walking and passed out sleeping for most of the night into the day. I woke up sunday feeling a lot better but as i tried to eat my body was not having it. Even now I can’t stomach too much but apples and even then that is pushing it. i feel like at any second i will puke but It’s a faint sensation. I had two dreams that had me startled and put a slight cloud on my day until i forced the thoughts away. The first was strange and happened about 2 days ago. i was in an apartment listening to a friend of mine talk about his life. I was trying my best to fight trying to have sex with him and failing. even going so far as to entering the bathroom with him. ugh. i was pretty upset at myself in my dream cause I watched myself do it but in my head I was like ‘why are you doing this. don’t do it’. so anyway I have a pair of headphones on connected to like a walkkie talkie and I hear my ex’s voice on the other end. he’s talking about old money business and i click the talk end and ask him to repeat it. He is shocked and he says ‘your voice is too much right now’ and I apologize and ask him to repeat it. he starts to cry and i can hear the emotion and I look up feeling his pain. It was strange because I didn’t really care too much about the situation. I feel like I already moved on from him a long time ago and I didn’t regret my decision at all but haring the pain and emotion in his voice was too much. the dream ends and its a shallow dream so i know im near to akinng up. I carried that with me for the majority of the morning and it bothered me because i feel like i am being punnihsed for how the relationship went. I dragged it on for longer then it needed to be. wayyy longer and I still look back now and regret it but I’m learning to move past it and not dwell too much on it. I eventually was brave enough to face being alone and potentially being unloved so there is that. The other dream happened today. jesus had a weir dtanget and left a silly conversation we were having. i think he really just wanted to step away from me and i was actually pretty okay with it. I feel when we talk too much it puts a strain on our friendship. i wanna-say relationship but...I don’t like that. Inn my head im much more happy seeing it as a friendship because that means its safe. i almost don’t give myself any reason to be jealous  about others and i can give him my love in friendship and that is much more better for me. but some things he said got to me. He was talking about how dull and boring my life would be without him and at first i just joked about it but now I’m startting to see his point. Would i have been exposed to music without him? not as intense bth.My obsession with music and desire to persue it in some shape or form was inspiredby him and who he pointed out to me. I covet his songs so much. They are like staples for me and i dunno im actually listening to one of his songs now (let ‘em know by bryson tiller). So now that he has done his typical thing pretending to be upset and leaving “for couple of days” I have time to think. Its also venus retrograde whihc is like time to revisit and reassess how I see love, how i want to be loved and how I love others. also how my relationships look like and if there is a need for change. This is a simplistic view but its my understanding of it. So I know his venus is in Leo. which lmao is very fitting. hmm sometimes i wonder if I need to slow down with my thoughts of him. I am fascinated by him, pused by him, fired up by him, irritated, annoyed, and some feelings that i cant or wont name. So where does that leave me? Sometimes in my head i’ll call him allan and that makes me pause. Am i waiting for a saviour again? if i am i need to step back and realize that that only ends in pain and dissapointed hope. My last relationship i leanre da lot but it was under duress. it was painful and like forced me out of my caccoon under his hand and i felt so constrained as i tried to heal. it was too much for me and he never did understand me. Now that i’m just feeling jesus out I now see i see him as a saviour and i’m torn bewteen seeing him as one and being okay with it. is it so bad to have friends as liferafts? but at the smame time i dont think he should be treated like one :/ idk its weird though things have been feeling so surreal to me. watching my hands type and literally giving form to my words is unsettling to me. I feel like something is happening to me and i’m scared that its something bad. i don’t rmember being so sick before. in 3 years i only ever experieneced slight sniffles and here i am full blown sick and shit. i’m worried for myself and my body.I ask for michael’s healing and proetction. I am in a strange place and I wonder what will become of all of this. I feel so out of place. maybe its the books i have been reading too. When i read i somtimes carry bits of it into my life. i wake up in this world slightly disjointed and off. I finished reading parable of the talents and that left me shook. i have oto write a book review for that but ive been avoiding it for some reason? anyway I’m a lil way halfway trough lilith’s brood and I find the book fascinating and also scary in a way. i’m not scraed perse about the alients. or maybe i am idk. I’m more scared of the future where women and children will be vulnerable. why is it that males resourt to being bullies again once oscieties are gone? why sare they the most dnagerous? i mean even now they still are and its wrapped up in laws, decorms etc but in a dystopian futuere? terrifying. I couldnt be like Olomina and dress like a man because I am too fullfigured and womenly to pass. i am worried for myself. I just want to be free....i dunno what is going on with me? I ffeel like im drifting in and out of reality and things feel dreamy. I had a thought about my empathy and pisces power and like...maybe all my empathy is for books? thats when i feel so misty and out of it after reading ike my mind really led me away. im happy im reading again at least. it unsettles me that i am becoming  a women. I am entranced with myself seeing the curves, my skin and body seeing how beautiful it is but also seeing how dangerous it is to me and my life. How many times will people punish me for how i look? men mostly. and i dont mind suing what power i apparently have over them but its like i know it will be used aaginst me soon. i never feel wrong for knowing that my body is beautiful. I know it is and i know i am beautiful and a creature many may want to touch and have. I am growing into it and i feel like a flower that is maturing before peoples eyes and im afraid. i know fear is bad so let me say mor elike it unsetles me. but with chnage comes growth and i feel like because of my freeizing myself as i unthaw and turn into who i was supposed to be i am going to blossom very quick. its also weird too because as I say i want this this and this in my body over time i gain that. i was so e skinny and i wished to be thicker and now here i am getting thicker and i know if i atemore id be even thikcer and yet my stomach has not changedd and actually has remained smaller then it as before? i am also finally looking pretty. i felt like such an ugly child and now i wonder if its not that im being graced with it now but that i am seeing it in myself. i know i have eyes that can trap people. I actually look away to make them feel comfortable because if i stare too long at eople they either get caught up in my face (men especially) or they paue for a second.. idk. i feel like im changing t into something that ahs power that i am not comfortble handling;. or am i just being dramatic? the voice in my head is soft and quiet and that is the true me. I have to protect her because thhis world wants to hurt her and she is too good for it. that sounds weird.. But i know i have to keep this shell around me because peope see weakness and want to go for it/. when i gaine dback my sag and leo self i have used it like a shield against people and emotions. only a few know about my soter side/. jesus nampende and allan do. allan has used it and used it agains me to quiet myself, jesus looks down on it and i think nampende is the only one who sees it and sympathzes with it. alone i am soft and always ondering. when im with peoplei am dynamic lughing being wild and having fun. i know that that needs to be my face to protect me. these days i feel like i need to make a descion.  I dont know when and what i need to decide on but i know something will happen soon in my life. something big. idk.maybe its the new moon in virgo? or maybe its just me. im usually okay with momnets of confusion but coupled with this sickness and weird feeling im worried. i had my period so im worired im pregnant but....idk.anywasy on a more shallower side im getting my hair done and im trying to get a new phone. i know its mostyly because i wanna just fuck show people i actually am cute asf? for some reason i cna never capture how beauiful i am in pictures. maybe its the dymanicness of my face. idk i mosty want jesus to se it i think he thinks im ugy af and im like not??? if he saw me in person i dont think he would be saying and talking to me the ay he does. but i cant help things and tb its better that way. if i eve rsee him it will be a good suprise for me when i smirk at him like boyyyy you don fucked up;. anywyas im being etty and yes my exercises ha and will be fueled with this drema in mind veen tho i know it may not actually happen nor go the way i want ti to go. ughh sometimes i forget that im 23 and dont need to have it ll figured out. like thast not un expuse but i always be putting so much pressure on myself to know so much and catch up because i froze so much of myself. i know my body ma=eant well with how it chose to protect me but sis, i suffer lol.I am trying my best to just do my best. I feel tested and tested constantly but i guess with trying to be a better person and working on yourself. oh wait. PLUTO. i remmeber asking pluto a month ago to reveal all my bad shit a lotttt over the course of a month and sicne its a slow moving planet its prob now just hitting me. yikes. well if i cna make it through this then i really will be rdy for anything. so much pressure and stimulation i know i can survive but damn i need a break and shit.well i have tomorrow off so im probgonna chill and dhit. i have a meeting with some witches and other femmes in about an hour so lmao idk man im just trying my best. I hoope the universe sees that im trying because awd jesus i am. I love myself through this no matter what. the feeling that im gonna die is creeping up again its so strange i hvent felt this oh...its probably just anxiety over this sickess. ugdwheteriutuieyte45465hthrethuwt im gonna stop lol this has been too long already (peep the change in tone thast my sag self shining through)