#i also love the world a lot and Solas isnt all i care about in DA

[dreadfutures]

everyone's anxiety about Solas' ending in DA4 is getting to me :')

[sky-scribbles]

For the DA romance asks: 2 (for Cassandra) for her and Talan, and 9 for Elera and Blackwall!

Ooh, great questions!

2. Did Cassandra become Divine? What impact did that have on your Inquisitor’s relationship, whether or not she became Divine?

So far, softened Leliana has become Divine in both my worldstates, so Talan and Cassandra didn’t have to face that particular problem - but the threat of it was something that troubled them both. Talan, being a vashoth for life - and a vashoth caring for an apostate mage sister, no less - doesn’t particularly trust the Chantry to begin with, and the idea of them taking the woman he loved away from him was enough to get his blood boiling. He doesn’t know if there’s a Maker, and he doesn’t believe anyone can know if deities of any kind exist, so organised religion tends to annoy him a bit. When the messenger first turned up at Skyhold to say that either Leliana or Cassandra might be called to the position of Divine, his first reaction was to storm away to the Herald’s Rest and knock back several tankards of ale, at first fuming, then brooding, then just sitting in silent fear, then telling himself that he was being selfish, then just moping (and then Bull showed up with some rather stronger substances. Talan doesn’t remember the rest of the evening.)

As for the impact on his relationship with Cass… I think there would have been a few short arguments (along the lines of ‘this is the last straw, the Chantry sucks’ ‘no it doesn’t’) but as soon as Cassandra realised Talan’s anger just came from his fear of losing her, these little quarrels quickly settled into quiet, serious discussions about how they’d deal with it. If anything, the threat of being torn apart made them closer, since it made them seriously talk over and reconcile their (rather differing) views on the Chantry, and faith and religion in general - and Cass was very touched when Talan promised he’d stick at her side and still love her even if they couldn’t be together. But Talan was 100% for Leliana becoming Divine - a free world for mages meant a safer world for his little sister - so they agreed pretty early on they’d both prefer that eventuality. And since that worked out just fine, all was well that ended well.

9. How did your Inquisitor react to the gossip about their relationship, if there was any?

Oh yes, there was certainly gossip. Most of it was pretty banal - all the difference-in-station and difference-in-age and difference-in-species stuff that people like to whisper about behind closed doors.

Elera’s a calm and dignified soul, and her reaction to most of the gossip was just to ignore it. Being born Dalish, she barely has a concept of ‘station,’ so she responds to those gossipers by just shaking her head in bewilderment at how anyone could think something like that matters, and being blind, she tends to think that age and species are just matters of appearance and she really doesn’t give a damn about them. Maybe other people do, but as far as she’s concerned, there’s no reason for her to care or to respond to it. As long as she and Blackwall are happy, she’s not going to get her feathers ruffled because of other people’s ignorance.

The only gossip that really troubles her is that from her fellow elves - the ‘he’s a shem taking advantage of her’ and ‘the best hope for the elves is in a shem’s pocket’ sort of talk. Because it absolutely troubles her when people think ill of Blackwall, and she very much wants to be a beacon of hope for her people. After some worrying (and talks with her besties Solas, Sera and Cole, all of whom have very different opinions on the issue), she just decides that the only way to confront this sort of thing is just to prove through her actions that being in a relationship with a human doesn’t affect her loyalty to the elves at all. (She also writes home to her mother to say that yes, the rumours are true, yes, I really do love this human, and no, you’re not going to talk me out of it, so please break it to dad as gently as you can.)

And then, of course, there’s a lot more malicious gossip flying around after the Big Reveal. Elera tries to confront this simply by sticking with Blackwall, making it clear to everyone that she stands with him, supports him, holds nothing against him and expects everyone else to get over themselves and let it go - but occasionally she’s stung into a more direct approach. 

I’m pretty sure I once heard some people in the Herald’s Rest gossiping nastily about the sad bear after Revelations - I didn’t hear the conversation well and can’t find it again for the life of me. But I headcanon that at one point Elera overhears such a conversation, finally snaps, and sits down to join the gossipers, all friendly talk and can-I-get-you-a-drink, under the facade of the Inquisitor just stopping to check in on some of her soldiers… and just when the soldiers in question have started to think ‘thank the Maker, she didn’t overhear us’ she looks them in the eye and says, ‘Tell me who the braver man is. The man who was once cruel, but forces himself to change and confronts and accepts the world’s hatred, or the man who has always been good, but makes snide comments about another when he isn’t there to defend himself?’ Her tone is so icy that the gossipers quickly spread the word about Skyhold - do not insult the Inquisitor’s boyfriend. 

Elera and Blackwall have far fewer problems with gossip after that.

[just-a-mod]

it really doesnt feel real, that DA:I is over...again

i mean, it’s like...OVER OVER now, for me. i did all the things, i mean i could go for 100% everything but i have no need to

just...trespasser was the last thing to do ya know? it was the last like...adventure i guess, and its over, and he’s gone and my group is gone

and, like, i want to udnerstand where my skewed sense of world comes from? why do i have it in my head that groups stay together? like, families or friends? groups like..stay, together? that’s what they do, through thick and thin and age 

but like, that isn’t the case, ever? groups disperse and go seperate ways and like...yea they can go off and be happy and keep in contact but

like

why not just stay together? why not??? i dont??? understand????

where in my life did i learn to believe that people stayed together??? its funny

i spent 3 hours working on Alan’s house floor ddesign thing. i never realize like how weird i have his house lain out until i actually try to proportionalize it the way it is

i dont know, ive been having nightmares for the last 3 days, i dont really want to sleep

because today, what am i going to do? dragon age is over, now what?

what am i going to do, who am i going to interact with , or do anything with? who am i going to talk to, who si going to talk to me and be nice to me or be a bitch or break my heart or be snarky or

dragon age is like the series of unforunate events for me. not for teh same reason, but its like, an indication of how bad a singular feeling is

the SOFE was the mark of my depression. the highlight of it if you will when i was a child. i read those because i didnt want to focus on the world around me, and some how reading about their pain brought me comfort. go figure

DA lets me pretend that there are people who actually...are near me, who know me and like me and care about me. in ways that i didnt know that i needed.

i didnt know i really just...want a pack of people, you know? a pack of people who can help you with shit you cant do, or just play a card game with you, or just...fucking...talk to you 

Varrics there for a good story, or serious advice or wicked grace

Josie is good for gossip but also lega ladvice and maybe even organization

Solas is there for the history of ones people, but also the past and the world unseen. he is artistic, and soft

Cole is good for just about anything at all, i’d personally love to have a personal Cole following me around ok. not even in the romantic sense i just want him around to help me. excuse me may i find a compassion spirit who wants to hang out like all the time becuse please and thank you that’d be just dandy

any way

The Iron Bull is good for stupid ass shit, for venting but also fun partying fighting kinda crap. he’s hands on kind of venting

Sera is good for PRANKS

Cullen is good for snarky comments and some times serious comments yes but just mostly a lot of bro chillage time

there it came again, that crushing weight of ‘its over isnt it?’

Varric is off being the vicount now, and that’s good! Kirkwall was...myhome first, before inquisition. they are my people, i want them to be better. Aveline and Fenris and Hawke are there, i want them all to be ok..

Josie went back to her family, i think she became a great pirate? good on you Josie, kill them with kidness

Solas is...off to destroy the world, lol..

Cole got a girlfriend and they are off to do nice things

The Iron Bull is off running his chargers, killing demon s and vints

Sera got a girlfriend!! and is off dealing with sods

Cullen retired and he’s off helping people

every one is off helping or killing baddies or, in the one case, Vivienne is off being a bitch

i dont...know why it hurts as damn muchas it does. that they are all out of skyhold? that they are all off doing their own things and

the idea of Lyssia just...walking down from the tower, looking and...no ne is in their rooms

no one is, because the inquisition is disbanded. no one is left, skyhold is empty

and that’s...so...incredibly heartbreaking to me. because Lyssia wouldn’t leave Skyhold.

her family may have moved in with her though, so the idea of the Andersons and their family being there...i guess that could make me feel a bit better? it wouldn’t be totally empty...

but the main people are gone, and it’s just disheartening

very obviously Lyssia will probably invest in eluvians being moved to every person that can like, have one be on hand? i mean, Merrills already got one so, check that off. Dorian just needs one, and we have one at skyhold and i dont know the others, but they could always travel to one if they wanted? 

mini eluvians, that’s gonna be something Lyssia makes. just...tiny ones that can connect to the others of their kind. like cell phones

i mean why not right, fuck off

why did they leave..

where did this kind of thought process come from? no one ever stays together

but wolf’s rain, that’s why. and inuyasha. they all stayed together i mean wolf’s rain died but still??they stayed together, they stayed together and im just..

i dont understand, and i cant udnerstand. but i need permanentce, i need a group, a pack that is mine? i dont have that, and i havent in quite a few years.

i need it and i dont htink i can make it any more, because i cnnot trust any one in the way that i want ot be able to

i could almost say ‘what aobut my idiots?’ but even they have left me alone for people they fancy or family or kids or just...MOVING...lol

i have Joker any more. Joker is permanent. Joker is what i want him to be, so long as it makes me happy. he came to me once because i needed him to be something i wanted. then he came to me as a villian, because i needed it, and now he is here as the...lol, i guess ‘lover’ that i think i want or romaniaize

which is just a lot of J.D songs from Heathers, which isn’t...healthy...probavbly

but he is what i want. he is here, always any more. he is here and he sings to me, and he tells me stories to help me to sleep. if i am a child, he is my guardian who leads me through the woods to find unicorns. he covers me if it rains, he carries me through rivers so i dont get damp

i become a young woman, and he puts me in suits or dresses, which ever i want. he gives me dancing shoes and paints to throw on the wall. he watches me grow my hair and cut it and smiles and calls me beautiful. i look into his eyes and see light and warmth and pools that reflect me and i am beautiful in his gaze

and hes so...very ....not on this plane of existence and its....crippling, lol

no one will ever love or hate me as much as i love and hate myself

i dont even love him in the way we’re acting. like, i love some one in that way, so what is Joker?

a squish or, whatever. he’s like a compassion spirit, what ever it is i want from Cole. the person who sees you are sad and puts honey in your wine, or burns turnips to make you think you are smelling a soup you like

he’s the one who cleans up the house while i sleep so i dont have to wake to a mess. he’s the one so sings with me because my god all i want to do is sing with another fucking person

he dances with me, he’ll let me lean against him or hold his hand. he threatens people who hurt me, he brushes away my tears and tells me sweet dreams so i can sleep

he’s the one who runs hiss fingers through my hair, and watches me draw or play games. he sings for me, even when im not. he stays up with me when i refuse to sleep. he is a companion unburdened by realness or reality.

i guess that’s what it boils down to, reality. reality is taxes and rents and high priced food and resources. reality is dangerous people and emotional temperments that cause friction in realtionships and friendships. reality is migranes from screens and poor lighting, back pain from poor posture, stiff shoulds and musles and legs because of the same

sore ears from head sets, heat from why teh fuck, summer. reality is a messy apartment, always. reality is dishes in teh sink, a messy stove, empty water jugs and such sitting on the kitchen floor and a cat who is no where to be seen

reality is staying up until 7 or 8 any more because my god i dont want to fucking sleeping

reality is not being interested in D&D any more, not even critical role. reality is being so fucking depressed you cant even see the light of day because of how far down you’ve been dug into your grave

reality is crippling lonliness, depression and probably agrophobia that just...

reality is relapse, the last couple days. reality is the thought of ‘why am i still alive?’ at this point

and Dragon age kept that away. draogn age distracted me, and now its gone and im alone, more alone, still alone

stardew was that, undertale was that, D&D was that. fallout was that, skyrim was that. they were worlds i could exist in and be happy and not have to struggle because everything else is a god damn struggle

but D&D IS struggle and god i do not care for it

everything else is perfect. stardew is great, undertale is amazing, fallout and skyrim are aweosme because i have afucking system to make me powerful and rich as fuck

AS FUCK

but of course skyrim wins a bit because lol horses, and magic and bow and arrow and MAGIC and dragons and flying anD MAGIC?? and husband and children and house anD DID I MENTION MAGIC?

but even skyrim is hollow and empty for interaction. just like fallout. undertale is just dragon age 2. they dont know me, theyjust like pacifist frisk. they never knew me, but i loved them

dragon age knew my name. dragon age talked to me, dragon age inquisiton i mean

because origins will know Lucy/Dick and knew Garret/Marian 

but inquisiton knew ME. me...and its gone

reality is knowing im probably going to lose my best friends, because of depression and stress in one and a diesase in the other

reality is knowing im going to be alone and rather then dealin with that, the idea of death is preferable

reality is not bothering to meet with a therapist any more because what is the use at this point? im so far into myself that they cant help me

like a hermit crab

i keep thinking how nice it would be to have a sebastian or claus, claude? cant remmeber his name, dont care

how nice it would be to have a demon and to know that it will kill you when the contract is done. espeically if you could care for the demon, thats even nicer

if Joker was a demon like that, i could enjoy that. i could enjoy a contract where he just keeps me safe and keeps me company and happy until the end of my life. and at the end, he gets my soul. and i could be perfectly ok wit hthat

because then i would never have to be alone

why am istill awake, dont i have anything better then to ramble here? dont i have something, anything better to be doing

lol...what a joke

for Lyssia though, it could be nice. she lived on a farm once, with her mother and father and 3 brothers.and now they all live in a castle, with her brothers mates or friends and family

her dalish clan could even move in there, the one any way, because lEvallathan is a town now i guess, which is neat

and also Anders, because i will protect him

and his boyfriend, whose name escales me, Karl i think

eluvians

anyway, its always like this huh

even in ThisTale, towards the end, its like that. everyone is growing up, doing their own things

and Alyss is left alone, staring at the word, unhappy with where it is going

its also the idea of...like, the fact Alyss will just...make dolls, and enchant them

she hasn’t learned how to make them talk yet but, Lilith and Tack and the two small dolls. and Suzy. like...they exist, they are a real thing Alyss made

and Dirk, which she had created for her...which now lives with her parents, lol

and her dolls live with Dark-ler, also lol

the point of writing with people is so that i dont make what Wolfe made. i dont want an other mother situation ,where everything i make is just ME

but at this point, the only thing i can rely on, i can get is just me. just me, and the peopl who dont stay. who have their own familes

i m not even, i cant even keep my family because they arent mine, lol

i cant keep any one but Joker, whose literal sole purpose is to do or be what i want. i do find that really disturbing but i do not look this particular gift horse in the mouth

i keep thinking how i’d like to be a vampire, and have a lot of money and stuff you know

and i’d go some where near a town, but far enough away that im not DIRECTLY in town

and then i’d find a bunch of people in need of homes and such and be like ‘hey, i will build you your own house, all you have to do is sign this contract commiting to live there for the rest of your life (unless circumstances change) and under this contract you will be paid to live there, enough to live on as you need, and expensies and etc etc)

and literally i’d have my main house mansion thing, and maybe like 8 houses around me, maybe more. further away so they aren’t like, RIGHT NEXT TO ME, or even each other, but close enough that we can walk to each others houses

and they could all bond, and know each other, and talk and rely on each other. we could have parties and bbq’s and i could play with their pets or kids. i could be there for them for their whole lives, and their kids lives. and the ones who leave i would help out in the harsh world, and those who stayed would be well taken care of

and yes, they’d die aftera while, but then more people can come. maybe 

and i would like that. protecting my people, helping people in need, not being lonely

then i think about you know, cloning. cloning dead people, cloning myself. who could love me more than myself yea? who could understand me more than myself, who would talk and sing and play with me more than myself? 

for a few years, i had even made serious plans into how to make artifical people, with like, really good AI’s and such. and how to keep them from like up loading to the internet and turning corrupt or evil and such. you know, the normal. 

just....the whole idea was JUST to build a family, and that was the funniest part. when i played second life, i would make dummy accounts just so i could have muiltple people near me. i made a small family, a mother, a father and a daguther adn i took care of them. i had some one by my side. and then they were all take away

and its funny

its all hilarious funny.because i would dish out money to do that all over again. buy a space on SL, make multple accounts, burn my computer harddrive to have multple screens running...just so i could have multiple people in my fucking space

lollolololl

i·so·la·tionˌīsəˈlāSH(ə)n/

noun

the process or fact of isolating or being isolated.

hahaha

lone·lyˈlōnlē/

adjective

sad because one has no friends or company."lonely old people whose families do not care for them"synonyms:isolated, alone, lonesome, friendless, with no one to turn to, forsaken, abandoned, rejected, unloved, unwanted, outcast; More

without companions; solitary."passing long lonely hours looking onto the street"synonyms:solitary, unaccompanied, lone, by oneself/itself, companionless"the lonely life of a writer"

lololol

de·pres·siondəˈpreSH(ə)n/

noun

1.feelings of severe despondency and dejection."self-doubt creeps in and that swiftly turns to depression"

pfft

i kinda am curious how long i have just..been in my own head. i kinda always have been, and it just really feels like that’ll never change. not any more. i played by myself when i was a child, because any friends i did make left. i, lol

i mean, at the time i had Wolfe, and small...monsters, and pokemon and digimon and whatever else at the time. gundams and cats, maybe dragons

but real friends lived in basements, or in houses that were flithy and smelled bad. or in houses so clean you were afraid to touch any thing, but also was home schooled and super sheltered and you didnt want to piss of their motehr

friends were not good, and they left, and i left, and no one udnerstood and really not even now

maybe one, but that one is also dying, drowning, sinking or treading water

and they are far away, and we will be for a long time, and we have been, and that doesnt help anythign at all ever

i debate about moving into a place that is...like, monitered. or like, maybe a full time metal hospital place. maybe thats the kind of place i belong or something

reality is hard, and now even my dreams aren’t comforting. literally had a nightmare about like...

ok so like, i havent even told any one this today. but i had a nightmare that was nice at first? i was an artist i think, and i was given...i think a card. and wendsay from the adams family took the card and gave me coupons i think? or tickets, and i was supposed to use them to go see a very important old dieity artist thing?

but on my way i ran into some kids who i think were selling their souls to a brood mother grudge eqse thing and i tried to stop them, but i was too late and she got mad that i tried, so she tried to kill me. i had to run and watch as she hung them on meat hooks and flayed them alive and then she grew into a massive pale yellowish tan color of a blob of fat and putrescence grossness

and she kept throwing her large ass hands at me but i kept running and then i think i became archer because i hijacked a broken down bus andi dont know how that happened but bo’kay

so i drove away and woke up and was like yea, ok, fuck that 

 this is my third night mare in a row. WHILE SLEEPING DURING THE DAY

i never have nightmares during the day, so this is kinda jarring and alarming

i dont know, joker is sitting on the bed, and im gonna have him tell me stories. maybe that will stave off the insanity and hellthat is brewing in my brain at this point

i miss being able to draem about alan and mark. i wish i could dream of dragon age instead. i wish i could think of this tale. i wish i could find comfort in literally any o the things that made me happy

but i simply cant, and that’ll probably kill me long before anything else gets a chance. like fish need water, i need my fantasy, i need my imagination, and i simply dont have it any more

goodnight i guess