#i also keep getting into my own head that i'm detransitioning and then i go ''im a woman'' and theres still the ick

[fooltomery]

any other nb ppl who are transmasc and ID'd as binary trans for a while have a "im not a man" moment and it was a relief? like thank god i dont have to put up this front anymore type of relief

[nerves-nebula]

rambling about intrusive thoughts. under the cut cuz this got long

speaking of which, i've always found it a bit hard to describe what its like having intrusive thoughts because the definition is that you're upset by them or would rather not have them. but if you look into therapy it's kind of about accepting they exist and just moving on and I basically just did that on my own by figuring out my moral code and refusing to believe in thought crimes.

so like. sure i don't have these thoughts on purpose but at this point i don't really mind like 90% of them? like im not going to be very upset about the shit that flashes through my mind hundreds of times a day because most of it doesn't matter to me.

it reminds me of that post thats like, being in recovery/working on your issues can look like faking your issues to people who don't know better, because you arent performing how you are at your lowest.

I do not spiral about my more taboo intrusive thoughts. the violence the sexual shit the disgusting stuff is like whatever to me. I couldn't care less if i tried. its like if my brain says "you're a pedo" I'm like "L + ratio + you've been saying that since i was like 10 years old + who cares, I'm not a rapist so it literally doesn't matter either way + get off my dick" and at this point i basically just roll my eyes at the suggestion. like ok what are you catholic? shut uppppp.

the thoughts that REALLY get stuck and annoy me are the ones about, like, social issues. they can really bother me if I can't find a way to get them out of my head cuz i can't stop thinking about this thing that upset me like, morally. stuff that i wanna vent about but the subject matter is so complicated i'd have to write an essay and i'm so emotional that if i ever posted those essays it would NOT go well lmao. im thinking like that one email that character wrote in detransition baby but omg i can't talk about that book or we'd get so off track. it was good tho.

which is why the internet can be really bad for me sometimes lol. i keep seeing things that make me go "thats wrong/doesnt consider this perspective/stupid" and it goes round and round.

anyway this all got wayyy longer than i meant it to.

the POINT i was trying to make is that it gets strange trying to define intrusive thoughts if you're more or less dealing with them fine. cuz its like oh yeah i have all these thoughts that would scare a lot of people. but i dont care lol. do they distress me? no not usually. do i really mind having them? also no. at this point i don't care if i have them or not. does that mean they aren't intrusive anymore? i have no idea.

I can only assume they still are because they are ongoing and frequent and part of a bigger pattern and focused on taboo stuff that would upset the average person and all that jazz. but i am just not distressed by them at all (unless I am in a very bad place emotionally but that has to be VERY SPECIFIC and even then the usual intrusive sexual/violent thoughts I have do not bother me. it's gotta be the more niche shit to give me brain worms)

but all of that takes a long time to explain so i usually just say i have intrusive thoughts if it ever comes up.

[x-honeycomb-x]

I cried in the shower (manic rant)

I have done nothing but masturbating today. I also made some cereal.

I fantasized about a mommy, and looked up some lesbian porn. I really like smart and emotionally responsive but reserved mommies.

As I finished, I needed hugs from her. I grabbed my fluffy comforter and pillow to feel hugged. I thought about her (for the context I watched India Summer), and I let myself feel needy towards a mommy.

I thought about detransitioning into a girl, and thought "I wanna grow up pretty and smart like you." And in my head she replied, "No silly, I will grow up to be me, and you will grow up to be you."

That thought stuck with me for a long time.

I don't know who I am, I am rejecting a lot of parts of who I am (gender aside). I have C-PTSD and have an unstable sense of self even. You reap just what you sow, who am I? Who will I grow up to be if I would just let myself?

I need to be who I am. I am not taught how to be a functionable person? I don't even have a regular eating routine after school. These are all parts of me. I imagine the mommy and I repeat back and forth. "I can't be who you are, I am my own person."

And then I felt like it's her time to get going. I think about having a home, having a personhood to return to. "I'm gonna get going now." I often hear people say. Where to? Home? Back to their life? I don't have a sense of self, I only hang out with people until I am exhausted, so when people wants to leave I think they're tired of me.

I said goodbye. I imagine her having a regular day after us. I imagine her juices still wet on my pussy.

I look at my room. I am not what I want to achieve but haven't. I am not a bassist-to-be cause I'm not there yet. I am a musically inclined person who's is planning to play bass in the coming week. I need to eat. Hunger is part of me.

I need to shower. I need to feel clean, wanting to shower is part of who I am.

I started playing Dazey and the Scouts on Spotify, got my clothes and stepped in the shower.

The clothes I choose this afternoon is who I am.

I keep thinking about being me in the shower. I thought about that reply in my head, "Silly, I will grow up to be me, you will grow up to be you." Who will I be? I am genuinely scared. I remember fragments of being bullied in kindergarten, being abused at home, I imagine myself being under a hydraulic press, becoming what the press is besides at the seams; I am only myself when I can't contain it in me anymore. That would mean outbursts. And abstract daydreams.

I am scared. I am gender-fluid, and yesterday after getting a ounce of masc euphoria (my first in a long time now), I realized I really don't feel trans masculine right now. I feel feminine. What if this goes on for years, and I really feel like going off testosterone for a while because I feel feminine for like 3 years?

I feel a repressed self inside of me. But I don't know them enough. And I am really tired of not knowing myself.

I need to use my sensitive wash. The package has a nice lavendar color. I thought about how dysphoric I felt when I watched straight PIV porn today, and how safe I felt when watching lesbian mommy porn. I thought about how I would like a mommy to touch this, scissor on this.

Dazey and the Scouts started screaming in their song.

This womb is sapphic. I never. Looked at my stomach and thought about this. I know I like girls (and AFAB people). The idea of sapphic exists in my head. (The name is based on the first historically recorded female writer actually.) I know I have a womb, briefly. I've done so much things to this womb that I don't even wanna think about.

All I think about this womb is PIV, otherwise I shut it out. Textbooks, Tumblr, my family, 9gag, I've spent my whole life listening to how people wanna get a penis in this and how I should keep them in or out. I look at my stomach, this womb is sapphic. It wants to be scissored on, it wants to be kissed by girls, I never associated the imagery with this idea. Dazey and the Scouts started screaming in their song and I cried.

I've spent my whole life hating girls. I am autistic and couldn't relate to any of them at school. I thought all girls were bullies, or they're so etheral they're untouchable. It was only recently I actively try to think of myself as a woman, and as I walk past other women on the street, I try to think of myself as one of them. It's a strange thought and it still tingles my mind with some resistance. They're just people, they are all sorts of people, and I am one of them. (For the context I am gender-fluid, so I am also a woman.)

Girls can start rock bands, girls can scream their heart out in songs. Girls write and some of it gets in the canon. Girls wear makeup and girls shower. I just started doing makeup today and I wonder if the crying would melt my makeup. (It didn't.)

So that's it. I found out my womb is sapphic(+) and it doesn't want cis men. It doesn't want to be bred, it's tired of discussions around unwanted PIV sexual attention. But god, I've let so many in so many times. I didn't get a IUD so I can have unprotected sex, but my mental illnesses got the better of me. I don't want PIV attention and this device closes the door. I feel dirty for the men and woman that have cummed semen on this metal. My womb wants peace.

I thought of the bullying and the abuse. I am tired of being scared of myself. I wanna turn that negative thought into a positive mantra - I am not afraid to be myself. I thought about it and breathed it in and out. (I meditate and am in somatic therapy.)

I walk out of the shower, got dressed and started writing this. I will still struggle to find my personhood, but I am trying. I don't want to be afraid of being myself anymore. (I am so mentally ill.) I am amazed by all the things that girls can do. I am sapphic and turns out my womb is too. Some lesbians can be mean and scary, but I have every damn right to identify as part of the community. I am also very scared of my gender swings. When will it swing again, how long will it stay, and what do I do about the hormones situation - I wanna go off T at the moment so bad, but I also already miss T although I haven't gone off it.

So that's [edit: birth name] and her little gender adventures, and she cried in the shower. Now she's gonna go get some food and maybe go to a party after this. Or just stay in and read. I really have had enough masturbation today.

[tangent101]

If Democrats turned against everyone but white supremacists just like Republicans have.

You have to understand something. I'm transgender. My head is on the fucking chopping block and Donald Trump is salivating at the chance to declare people like me illegal and throw us all in jail. He'll call us rapists and murderers and maybe there's one or two good ones but no they're all rapists and murderers and need to be locked up and detransitioned for their own good and forced to be good Christian Americans rather than these abominations to the eyes of God. And yes, Donald Trump personally gives no fucks about transgender people, it's all to rile up his supporters, but once he got into office he went after transgender people without being asked to do so and showed other Republicans that they can declare war on the LGBTQ+ community and get away with it.

So excuse me if I refuse to not vote, and urge people to vote Democrat no matter how much you hate it and despite the fact that they are supporting atrocities in Palestine. Donald Trump wants to continue those atrocities and add another genocide to it on the side while also hanging the Ukrainians out to dry so Russia will go in and start raping and pillaging again and then continue to roll through into Eastern Europe and then ignore our NATO obligations because he's Putin's Puppet. Not that it will matter to me at that point because, again, I'll be in jail for the crime of being transgender in a Republican World, even if he has to declare it by Executive Action.

By not voting for the lesser evil, you are voting for the Greater Evil. We need every single vote to keep Trump and these fascists at bay. For me, it's a matter of actual survival. So I will call you on this and urge you to reconsider. And hey, you know what can still happen? Maybe a Democratic Presidential Candidate will arise to oppose Biden and run on the anti-genocide-of-Palestine platform. And if such a candidate won against Biden I'd vote for them in the General Election. I. Fucking. Don't. Care. About. Biden. I care about keeping Trump and the Republicans out of office.

At some point you’ve got to ask yourself what WOULD someone have to make you not vote for them. Kill someone? Arm national militias? Roll back even more pandemic protections? Like, fuck, Joe Biden is materially supporting a genocide. If you still want to vote for him after that then maybe you should have a sit down and ask what on EARTH would make you not vote blue no matter who.

[cumulohimbus]

So I'm slowly going off Testosterone after around 4 years and it seems like I'm beginning to regain my ability to cry. Today I started tearing up thinking about how much I love libraries and equity work centered around access to information... ... ...for the past couple years I've barely been able to cry even when in severe distress let alone about anything happy.

Also, to clarify, by no means am I detransitioning. The second someone uses she/her pronouns for me they'll get hit with my gender blaster.

I'm alright with sharing this because going off T doesn't seem to be all too frequently talked about in trans circles, and in case sharing my experience helps other folks who are on, or considering going on T. I have a number of reasons I'm stopping T, but one of the main ones being that I was losing a lot of my hair very rapidly. Not just thinning or receding at the corners; like the entire top of my head. I was and am still using medications to help my hair growth but my hair loss on a higher T dose was faster than the meds could keep up with. Now, I don't think there is anything wrong with a bald head or male pattern baldness, I just have my own personal reasons for not wanting myself to be bald (at least not at my current age) that relate to familial trauma and not wanting to resemble a certain member of my family.

Additionally, I feel I have gotten nearly everything I particularly wanted from T and there is really only one thing that it does for me that I am a bit bummed about losing (that being I'll get a menstrual cycle again). Other than that though, not much is likely to change, and if it does, it won't change by much. Additionally additionally, I think I want to experience pregnancy sometime in the somewhat distant future, even if it's just as a surrogate.