#i also havent been able to eat bread of any kind for a year. i had a little bread in spring 2022 until

[mejomonster]

I'm getting a little better babes guess who just had pumpkin bread today! And kimchi all week! And potatoes bread yesterday!

[thingstotellthem]

hey OP here’s a checkpoint for you!

how are you doing? have you had any water or a snack lately? if not you should get something, you deserve to be properly nourished! get a soft blanket and make yourself comfy, you deserve to rest and treat yourself :-)

is your country still on lockdown? if you go, did you go back to school? were there restrictions when you went back like having to wear a mask? what’s your favorite subject whether it be now or when you were younger since i don’t know how old you are!

what’s your favorite book? movie? do you watch anime? do you like puzzles? do you do any sort of art, and if yes, what’s your favorite medium? (ex: pencil, paint, acrylics, clay, wood, etc.) do you prefer apple juice or orange juice if you drink either of them? have you picked up any new skills over the last few months with the downtime? maybe you baked a loaf of bread! i don’t know! have you done a face mask recently? they’re relaxing :-)

what about your pets if you have them? how many do you have? what kind of animals are they? do you like playing with them if they do that?

final question, how are you really doing? i’m sure your go-to might be that you’re fine, but truly, how are you doing? running this page has got to be taxing on you, are you taking care of yourself as well?

i hope you have a lovely day or night whatever time it is for you when you see this! please take care of yourself, and thank you so much for what you do. this page is a literal lifesaver for myself and i’m sure many others. you’re so wonderful to be doing this. i hope you’re well ❤️

thank you so much for this thoughtful message! if you dont mind, ill answer it under a read more so i dont clog up the dashboard ♥

ive been drinking water steadily all throughout the day! i always carry a bottle of water with me wherever i go so hydration is never an issue. im also about to eat soon and ive been doing nothing but resting today, so no worries on that front!

my country entered lockdown 2.0 in mid-september and were now slowly reopening in two-week increments. i believe this week stores with open air access (so no malls) have opened. im not currently in school, but i know from friends that most classes are being done online with some exceptions. i love any humanities subject, though history and literature are my favorites. i aim to major in history in the future! im 21, turning 22 in december.

my favorite book is, without a doubt, the book thief. its an extraordinary story in every way and the writing is just... chefs kiss! exquisite. i cannot recommend it enough. my favorite movie is inception, though i must admit 1917 is slowly replacing it- it was the last movie i saw in an actual theater before covid and i sat in my seat for five minutes after the credits ended in complete awe. its an incredible movie!! it made me jennie slate scream. i used to watch anime when i was younger, but i havent seen any in at least eight years; i think ive grown out of it, if that makes sense. i do like puzzles! they feel like little exercises for my brain. i write, and i also draw sometimes. ive drawn my first ever vent art last month and it was very cathartic. i prefer orange juice over apple juice, but to honest im not a very big fan of either of them since sweet drinks give me a headache. ive started crocheting a blanket for my soon to be born nephew, which i like- crocheting is very therapeutic and meditative. i havent done a face mask recently, but now i want one.

i have a cat (selek) at my moms and another cat (maeve) and a dog (freddie) at my dads! theyre all doing well, each being a bastard in their own way. freddie likes to play, but shes not very well trained yet so she bites. were working on it!

ive been doing. meh? ive been struggling ever since my grandfather passed away in early may, and other life circumstances have been weighing on me. im doing my best to manage, though rest assured, this blog isnt taxing enough to affect my mental state. i wouldnt be running it if i wasnt able to handle it.

thank you again, the thought youve put into this is very touching. i hope youre doing well and hanging in there yourself. please take care and stay safe ♥

[th3okamid3monart]

Things I’m going to miss this Holidays

There are a couple of traditions we do in my family that I havent seen in other places and with one search on the internet I realize that most of the things we do are from my own country + some that we make up ourselves. 

So Im going to share them here because... Well, there’s a big-ass chance I wont be able to do them this Christmas nor New years. 

NOTE: When I say ‘my family’ in a lot of this, I mean ALL my family. Which means, all my grandparents, all my aunts, all my uncles, all my cousins, and, yes, EVEN my great grandaparents, cousins, uncles, aunts and more. Because we all know each other and we even make a party once a year for my dad’s side of the family 

Here I go:

Las Posadas

There’s this thing that we do at one of my grandparents’ house that involves singing a carol about the time Maria and Jose were looking for a place to stay to rest before travel far away for the birth of Jesus. It is a song which is singed by 2 groups, one that is inside and the other that’s outside. What we do is the following: One group goes inside a room in the house while the other stays outside the door, the group outside sings one part and the other sings the other. We go back and forward until we finish the song. It is pretty funny because no one sings well and its just like a bunch of grown ups practically screaming but we always end up chuckling. I used to think it was pointless and boring but that was because I was an edgy potato, after I enter University i began to enjoy more things and be happier. This is going to be the second time I wont be with my complete family for Christmas and now its all the family who wont be able to go to my grandparents house for a celebration. 

12 grapes, 12 wishes

In both sides of my family we usually fill up 12 grapes in a cup and give everyone 1 cup each. I dont remember what exactly the grapes meant or the story about the wishes but it’s supposedly like before it strikes 12 am on New Years, we have to eat our grapes while also wishing for something. I remember when I was younger I’d wish for peace on the world or that everything went well for everyone. I think I’m going to buy a bigger bag of grapes this year. 

Something that was funny was that everyone would just... Stuff their mouths with grapes, mostly my cousins and I, just to see how many we could fit. Not everyone wished for many things in the family because I think we all feel we had and have enough. If my family does this again on their own, I’m pretty certain their wishes would be to be able to meet with the family. 

Piñata

Every year since I was little, my grandparents buy a piñata to smash before or during Christmas. They find it such a good activity for cousins and even for my aunts, my mom and uncle. They literally havent stopped buying them, the oldest grandchild in that side of the family its in her 30s, but they still buy a piñata. I think its mostly for the youngest which are below 16, never the less, its still super funny and hilarious because we go from youngest to oldest. By the time it gets to my brother, its still intact, he only swings it once and its completely DESTROYED. We just have a lot of fun, and sometimes we make my mom or my aunts to hit it. My mom wasnt as cheery when I was a kid, but now she laughs more and when it comes to the piñata she laughs and enjoys her time even more. 

Games 

Like any gathering, all cousins bring up something we can do to entertain ourselves. At first they were toys my grandparents had for us, then it was videogames and now... Its board games. My bro is the one obsess with different boardgames and DnD and other card games. So, about 5 years ago he began bringing boardgames for all cousins to play along. We either talk with each other or try to destroy each other with any game there is. Videogames are fun but we all find it a drag to bring the console to the place, besides we usually get so busy with each others banter and weird conversations that we just forget about the videogames all together. 

At my other grandparents house it becomes W I L D. Last time someone brough a beer pong table and they all began to take shots with mezcal (I’m trying to not drink a lot of the time ever since I puked one time. If I drink its light things like wine and only one glass). Then my aunts play music and began to sing and everyone follows up, and... Well last time they began to dance.... And all my cousins were very embarassed and I was hella confused. Suffice to say, my dad’s side of the family are super freakishly energetic and wild, while my mom’s side is more of a geeky, nerdy vibe with a lot of meme stuff and political conversations at times (Oh yeah, we talk a lot of different political stuff, but guess what? It never derails into a fight. I note this due to always reading people’s talks ending with fights and stuff and that kinda weirds me out a bit at times) 

Dinners 

I don’t remember the time exactly, probably since I was 15 maybe, my dad and I turned into the designated ‘chefs’. Every year we’ve been deciding and preparing foods for each house. We make the main course while my aunts do the sides (although sometimes it becomes like 3 main courses with 2 sides). Im waaaaaaaaay into the cooking and I try to make it perfect each year. I kinda chillaxed a bit with some foods because it wasnt that big of a deal. Besides the main course, I also decide to make a dessert and sometimes they arent eaten because my families have some sugar regulations. They are stored and kept after Christmas because thats better than eating it all in one sitting and having sugar poisoning (AKA, high sugar that needs a fast Insuline injection afterwards). 

It is always fun to make food with my dad, and to make the famous Tamales from my grandma’s recipe. Last time i think we made around 400? Between green salsa chicken, red salsa beef and pork, and some that were like... its like an adobe, its with achiote and orange juice. It was very tasty. We usually make a lot and freeze them. THEY ARENT COOKED, they are raw and then frozen. Every time we take some out, we make them with vapor, takes around 2 hours and they are always tasty. I remember I made a batch all by myself, I made the feelings, I mixed the masa, and I assemble 100 by my own, the rest was thankfully made by my parents. And it was the best when I gave some to my grandma and she told me that they were super good. Of course, I made a couple mistakes, Im not perfect but she still enjoyed it with the salsa I made. Maybe I can still make some this year and give each family a batch. 

Aunt’s cookies

Every year, every god damn year... We all wait for one thing... It’s not the presents, its not the food... Its the cookies. The motherfucking cookies. My aunt has made this cookies since I was a kid, and we all fought to get a bunch of them. She has made choco chip with nuts cookies every year without missing. And they always end before Christmas even hits. She once gave me frozen batch so I can cook them at home and she told me ‘Dont tell anybody’. Of course I cannot not tell anyone since I live with my parents and siblings but when I made them I made sure to make them when my dad wasnt home. Not only because Im a gluttonous fuck but because my dad is diabetic and he shouldnt be eating anything like that. 

It used to be a battle royal between my cousins, now its a battle against my uncles cause they LOVE TO FUCKING HIDE THE BIG ASS CONTAINER. I swear, i only got 1 or 2 god damn cookies last time. 

Breakfast at...Lunch at...

After Christmas, we always go eat at my grandparents house. Always. And it’s, most of the time, Menudo. The most delicious food you can make with cow stomach. It’s my grandpa’s recipe and it’s always good. Meanwhile, we lunch at my grandma’s house the leftovers of yesterdays dinner which it varies if its turkey or pork but it always ends up as a torta. Delicious, leftover, tortas. 

We end up... SUPER CONSTIPATED because you eat menudo with bread, and you make tortas with bread, and we all eat bread and like... A LOT. Its hella good but well... THERE ARE CONCEQUENCES!! 

I think thats all, at least the most relevant parts. There’s also The Toast of El Bohemio, the stupidity and over eating i do for fun for some cousins, the conversations that go from super deep to stupidity with cousins, the music we play, the hugs... 

THE HUGS

When its the New Year, we scream out HAPPY NEW YEAR. And we proceed to hug each and everyone, one time I waited to see everyone and they all were very very happy. Its something I didnt realize before, but that was a happy thing all the time. Last year we event celebrated with other family, most of this reunions are compose with the nuclear family, but we arent shy about involving more family or friends. So last year not only included some family and their friends, we also included a 2 new members of the family: My newborn cousin and my cousin’s now husband. 

It was like.. One of the best beginnings... Which kind of... didnt prepared us for what this...sucky year. 

I’m sure we’ll make it ok... I sure hope so, I wanna see my grandparents again... I wanna see my baby cousin, he is babbling and has already learned to walk. The little dude doesnt have cousins to play with anymore, I wanna make sure he doesnt confuse me by his aunt ajjajajaja. I want to talk to my cousins, I want to hug them and scream with them and eat with them all. 

But maybe this year it wont happen, and I rather it not happening than loosing any of them. 

Right now I cant smell, and everything hurts, but it kinda helps ease things when i remember this and when I think they all are still kinda healthy. 

Maybe when it all passes we can make a march reunion, to celebrate my grandma’s birthday. In the meantime, I’m going to try to get better and wish for this Christmas to not suck now that It’s only my main family and I. 

Hope everyone is safe, I hope you can at least see your parents or siblings. I hope you dont get sick nor have to spend time at a hospital or anything. I hope all who are, get help and dont get worse. I hope you all get better. 

Hope you have Happy Holidays. 

[swampgallows]

something inside me has been killing me for years and i can’t pinpoint what it is and i don’t know how to make it stop.

i guess i could have been working all of this time. i’ve wasted a lot of time since i stopped working. i told my parents i was going to be working on my writing and my art and my DJing and i have barely done any of that. i havent been able to write my next chapter for months. nothing has come to me. and the story is a stupid fanfiction so it’s not really worth anything, it’s not like i’m working on the next great american novel or whatever. i havent finished the illustrations i wanted to do for my zine so i haven’t released that yet either. im barely scraping by on gift art. it took me 5 months to order the lathe cut for myself but i did finally do -that-. and im barely on the second section of coding. everything feels so difficult and i can’t focus on a single thing at a time. i’ve been trying to figure my life out but all of my avenues seem empty.

last night i thought if i could pretend to be someone else that wanted to take care of me, i would be able to take care of myself. after an entire day of not eating, around 1am i guess i finally got something to eat. i’d had “drinkable yogurt” earlier but this was actually semi-solid food i was making. soup and grilled cheese. i spent enough time outside with the dog that i got a little chilled and figured i’d have that. nothing sounded appetizing. as i was sitting outside with xena i kept seeing things move and flash in the night and froze up with terror. they werent real, of course, but i saw them anyway. little spirit beasts flitting through the darkness.

i’ve been trying to keep my head above water. part of me knows that i really wouldnt be able to have kept working. i would have snapped at somebody or been Too Ill. i would have shown too much, the non-professional me. there is no professional me. i feel like no matter how hard i’d try, even if i wanted to, i would always be tangentially askew from the pulsing Thing to which everyone else is tied. i cannot ever be part of this Thing that everyone else is part of. I dont think it’s the kind of thing that dropping E and suddenly feeling the Unity or whatever will solve. i dont think a rush of endorphins will make me feel like i belong to society. i feel like i am a liminal entity and i have to exist in an in-between state or i will cease to exist at all. i dont fully know what i mean by that except that i feel like i must always be on my way somewhere. i would rush out of work and class and anywhere else, i walk anywhere i can and listen to music and check out mentally and physically from everything else. i live in my head where it is safe, and that is not safe. the internet is almost like a real version of this; existing as a liminal, safe, curated Self, a self away from the self, a place detached from my body and lifestyle and anything else. its a great equalizer where everybody has a say no matter where or who they are. 

i have written for over ten years now that i want to run away. i suppose i want to run away from myself but i’m not sure how true that is anymore. i dont know where i want to go. i have no destinations. just “away”.  i’ve been wanting to go to rotterdam for half of my life. i had always wanted to travel, of course, but there was never anything i wanted to actually do or see except to one day go to the netherlands and go to a nightmare in rotterdam or something like that, and now it’s finally happening. and it’s bigger than Nightmare, it’s THUNDERDOME. i never thought i would have the chance to go to a Thunderdome party in my lifetime but i’m alive and it’s happening and it’s like i cant even envision what i want to do or anything. i just want to get there, and be there, and exist in a place that isn’t here, and look at clouds, and smell different air, and see different buildings, and then dance my balls off all night to some really, really, really great music. this should feel like my wedding day but instead i just feel ...hard. i feel like i dont deserve it, or like it’s not actually going to happen, or like i will just ruin everything, or that somebody else will. 

nate was talking to me about all of these self-started self-accomplished people he’s been hanging out with and how he feels so pressured by their sheer level of success. he is also self-made and successful but feels like he’s supposed to be even more so. i dont know if i want success. i dont have anything to succeed at. 

my friend, who is an older friend but i had to keep at arm’s length a while, has come back into my life recently to help me with coding. granted, he’s drunk 99% of the time he talks to me, but he’s at least trying to encourage me to stick with it. he always wants to voice chat with me but i usually dont have the energy, or i’m doing something else. he keeps telling me about all the success i could have—”it's a journey but it's well worth it, and it's just a topic that you'll never exhaust as long as you live, which is true of the best topics worthy of devoting time to, and you're super smart, you'll have no issue with this -- just keep it up over a couple of years, just chipping away at it, and the career that's ahead of you could be so interesting”—and i feel like i just... don’t care. about any of it. about anything. sure i’d like to make/have a lot of money, i guess, just to keep my comforts. but then what? im living with my parents who i know actually do care about me, but don’t seem to, or just “support” me. 

when i finally got up the courage? stamina? delusion? to pretend to be someone else and grill me a cheese, i was feeling a little okay. i was feeling proud that i took initiative to at least fucking feed myself, since i barely seem capable of doing that. i was keeping up steam until i heard my mom crying from another room, “Where’s my baby girl? is that my baby?” and i knew she wasnt talking about the dog, and my heart dropped through my chest and i just wanted to die. “What do you want?” i snipped, trying to answer her but unable to hide my contempt apparently. “I just wanted to see you” or some such shit, i dont even remember what she said. “can i help with anything?” no “may i hug you?” (at least she asked) i don’t want to be hugged right now. “okay. im sorry you’re so unha--that youre not feeling good--- i hope you feel better...” and she hobbled away.

it was like 130 in the morning and i was standing over “45 calorie” wheat bread that had been thawed. my illusion of being someone that i was not—someone who gave a shit about me—was broken, and i felt like a fucking idiot, and i felt caught in the act of pretending, and i felt embarrassed, and i felt like... how dare i try to be something im not. how dare i imagine for even a fucking moment that im not genetically and financially and whatever the fuck else chained to this fucking family and all of my inherited neuroses and everything else. that she made an appearance specifically to disrupt whatever the fuck it was i was doing. because she had offered to cook me a thousand things and i didnt want any of them, and i didnt want her to take care of me, because im never going to be able to take care of myself, and when i finally took a course of action to actually try to feed myself my mom couldnt STAND it, apparently, and had to, still, offer to “help” when im MICROWAVING A CAN OF SOUP AND PUTTING BREAD ON A PAN. how could she HELP? she couldnt. she just had to fucking make her presence there because god forbid i do a single fucking thing on my own. i’m... 27 years old... for christ’s sake... i dont need “supervision” to toast some kraft singles onto bread... and if i did, i would ask.

or maybe i wouldnt. im not good at asking for help. even when i know i need it. i dont like owing people things or asking for favors. it just proves how worthless i am and that im dependent on other people and cant do anything by myself and that anything i do by myself fucks up. at least if i fuck up whatever it is i’m doing i wont have to drag anybody else into it. 

so i finally ate and after a few hours of cramps and being unable to even eat without feeling like i was gonna throw up, i spent like an hour in the bathroom regardless, immediately purging whatever it was i dared to eat. 

i dont know how to get better. part of me is afraid of getting better. if i have a good thing it will just be ruined. all i do is hold people back and im tired of getting in people’s way. im tired of making a bunch of wrong decisions and then half the time not even being able to own them. im tired of feeling like life is just happening to me and knowing that i dont have control over anything.

[ohmymegido]

CHROME DIED ON ME WHILE I WAS TYPING THIS SO I HAD TO DO IT LIKE 2 TIMES take this you heathens [ post ]

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

my cat, bless his heart

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

two years ago i would have said shy but now i think im more In Between

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

@shanakin and @lizziebobizzy tomorrow !! also college friends :0

4. Are you easy to get along with?

i hope so

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

yyyyyye s i guess so

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

nice people who make me laugh i guess

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

i hope so, if not that means something bad happened

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

my CAT i love him

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

depends on the person, but most of the time not really

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

ffn

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

“are you gonna do it“ @blueshyft

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

apparently my recent thing is Ladies with Airy Voices so here’s some of those:

Miss You by Gabrielle Aplin, Night Bus by Gabrielle Aplin, Lone Digger by Caravan Palace, Green Light by Lorde, Fine by Tayler Buono

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

you gotta be v close to me to get hair playing privileges 

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

the word miracles triggers me

15. What good thing happened this summer?

i saw my cat and i pet him a lot

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

yee

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

definitely

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

i threw out the bottle when i was done so no not really

19. Do you like bubble baths?

when i was a kid i really liked them !

20. Do you like your neighbors?

i dont know them much but they seem nice

21. What are you bad habits?

i pick my cuticles like a Motherfucker :’0 it’s really bad tbh but it was Even Worse before

22. Where would you like to travel?

japan bc im a weab

23. Do you have trust issues?

express trust to everyone but trust no one

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

laying on my bed like a bum

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

my nose maybe?

26. What do you do when you wake up?

fall back asleep and have ragrets 2 hours later

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

this is a Problematic Question (and no, my skin is fine the way it is ty)

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

my cat i love him

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

that implies i have an ex in the first place

30. Do you ever want to get married?

yeah, probably

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?

yee but it needs a trim tbh :/

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

none, i dont really want to bang any celebrities

33. Spell your name with your chin.

saragh

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

volleyball and fencing !! except not that much anymore bc college kills sports rip

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

TV

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

does platonic liking count bc if not then no not really

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

AWKWARD SILENCES ARE only awkward if you Make it awkward (if you’re the kind of person who points out an awkward silence i hate you and you need to go shut the fuck up)

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

isnt this the same thing as What are you attracted to

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

do bakeries count bc i Love Bread

40. What do you want to do after high school?

college

well Whaddya know

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

..maybe

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

im sleeping, busy, or im ignoring you

43. Do you smile at strangers?

i try :’0

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

if i definitely wont be harmed while im there: ocean

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

social obligation and fear of judgement

46. What are you paranoid about?

that people are watching me ;;;

47. Have you ever been high?

i had a Weed Brownie once and it did nothing except taste bad so. no

48. Have you ever been drunk?

yes and i intend to be so again

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

i feel like this is counterintuitive bc dont i not want people to find out in the first place ??

50. What was the color of the last hoodie you wore?

im changing all these european (aka Wrong) spellings into American ones jsyk

also black

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

not really

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

i should probably worry less

53. Favorite makeup brand?

i like Stilla eyeliner :0

54. Favorite store?

hummm maybe Muji, it’s a nice place to kill time

55. Favorite blog?

MINE jk i gotta boost BNF @anonymousalchemist her blog is (y)

56. Favorite color?

Red or Green

57. Favorite food? 

recently it’s been Eggs

58. Last thing you ate?

ok chrome has crashed on me like 5 times since i tried to answer this specific question i think it’s cursed

also this chinese egg pancake thing

59. First thing you ate this morning?

the chinese egg pancake thing mentioned before

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

maybe, idk ive lived a long life

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

nop

62. Been arrested? For what?

lol no

63. Ever been in love? 

i Guess So

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

it’s not very exciting you should read @anonymousalchemist‘s though it’s really good

65. Are you hungry right now?

yes :(( 

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

they’re mostly the Same so i guess the answer is no

67. Facebook or Twitter?

FB

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

Tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now?

lol no

70. Names of your bestfriends? 

FFN gang ;0 plus some others but no irl names for now

71. Craving something? What?

im still in wisdom teeth recovery so it would be nice to be able to eat food without getting everything Stuck in my stitches :/

72. What color are your towels?

white and beige

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

one, but there’s 3 total on my bed

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

yes ! a small stuffed cat i’ve had since 3rd grade and a little wolf

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

in total ? too many

75. Favorite animal?

cats i guess

76. What color is your underwear?

black

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

chocolate

78. Favorite ice cream flavor?

Brownie a la Mode, or anything along those lines

79. What color shirt are you wearing?

Red and black!

80. What color pants?

black shorts

81. Favorite tv show?

what’s a tv

82. Favorite movie?

Princess Bride

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

ok i finally watched mean girls for the first time this year and it was like. ok i guess. i havent watched the second so i guess Mean Girls

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

Mean Girls bc i have not watched 21JS

85. Favorite character from Mean Girls?

no one god why does everyone have such an obsession over this movie

86. Favorite character from Finding Nemo?

the ray who teaches the school

87. First person you talked to today?

my dad

88. Last person you talked to today?

my mom

89. Name a person you hate?

no one

90. Name a person you love?

MY CAT

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

no not really

92. In a fight with someone?

nope

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

like 1 for exercising maybe (i used to own like 6 when i was in middle school and wore them every day)

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

Too Many (see: my entire wardrobe)

95. Last movie you watched?

Lego Batman!

96. Favorite actress?

dont have one

97. Favorite actor?

nope

98. Do you tan a lot?

i tan easily i guess but ive never stepped foot in a tanning salon in my life

99. Have any pets?

CAT plus some fish

100. How are you feeling?

pretty alright

101. Do you type fast?

pretty fast

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

103. Can you spell well?

W - E - L - L

this is easy next question

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

yeah, a bit i guess

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

yyyes ? no. maybe. what’s the definition of a bonfire party?

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

if i have, then they didnt tell me

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

yeah, a few times

108. What should you be doing?

GETTING ready to go to a family friend party but instead im here on tumbl dot com answering a 150 long ask meme

109. Is something irritating you right now?

my glasses are a little smudged

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

i think so yeah

111. Do you have trust issues?

please see #23

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

does my cat count

113. What was your childhood nickname?

I NEVER HAD ONE sarah honestly has No Nickname Abilities i never got a nickname until i was like a junior in highschool and people called me swang on the fencing team. that was nice i was so happy tbh pls call me swang

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

yee

115. Do you play the Wii?

yes but not as much as when i was younger. im ready for our switch overlords to take over though

116. Are you listening to music right now?

nope

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

it’s ok, a good staple

118. Do you like Chinese food?

yes definitely

119. Favorite book?

i dont really have one...

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

im afraid of the unknown and when it’s dark everything becomes unknown

121. Are you mean?

sometimes, but i try not to be

122. Is cheating ever okay?

first instinct: no

but i guess there’s Always Exceptions blah blah blah

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

god no, i dont even buy white shirts bc i dont think they’ll stay clean

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

i believe in immediate attraction and then being lucky that your personalities are also compatible

125. Do you believe in true love?

relationships are built on the foundations of trust, respect, and care for each other

126. Are you currently bored?

a little but this is keeping me busy

127. What makes you happy?

nice looking things

128. Would you change your name?

i dont think so

129. What your zodiac sign?

Capricorn

130. Do you like subway?

honestly everyone shits on subway so much... im sorry....... i like subway.....

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

there’s too many unknown parameters in this for me to give a concrete answer

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

this is literally the same question as the one 122 questions ago

133. Favorite lyrics right now?

too hard to think of a specific one

134. Can you count to one million?

In Theory I Guess I Could

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

“i went to bed at 1am last night”

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

OPEN bc my cat needs to be able to get in

137. How tall are you?

5′ 8″, give or take 

138. Curly or Straight hair?

does frizzy wave count

139. Brunette or Blonde?

neither

140. Summer or Winter?

both ??

141. Night or Day?

night i guess

142. Favorite month?

January ;0

143. Are you a vegetarian?

nope but if i had to i could

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

milk

145. Tea or Coffee?

tea, coffee is icky

146. Was today a good day?

i barely did anything but yeah i guess so

147. Mars or Snickers?

neither, but i guess Snickers bc i dont know what’s in a Mars Bar

148. What’s your favorite quote?

“same” - me, constantly

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

i think they’re there but they either cant really do much or they cant be bothered messing with us

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? (via catscuddlingandyou)

An abridged dictionary is one that has been shortened to keep it from crushing desks and people’s laps.

tanks princeton review Word SMART 5th edition

WOW OK IM DONE THANKS FOR READING GOODBYE

if you love reading ask hells go check out @anonymousalchemist and @shanakin‘s responses as well

[faintlyof]

I can’t wait for things to settle down a bit. I’m even more all over the place than ever these days.

Well not just these days, for a few months now cuz things went a little crazy toward the end of last year and they havent really settled down since. Ao it’s been like 8 months of nothing being constant and it’s wreaking havoc on my routines. ;^;

I’ve been trying to eat more healthily and I’ve mostly successfully integrated a salad into my every day life and I’ve been able to drink at least 500mL of water every day minimum for at least a month now, but my cravings for breads and sweets have been insatiable. I’m trying to get back to my pre-pandemic weight (It’s only like 4kg less!!) but I can’t seem to stop myself from inhaling everything bread-y or sweet. I’ve tried buying less, but all that means is I’ll eat an entire package in one sitting instead of eating a little bit less in two or more sittings. >< I know I’m stress eating but I can’t seem to stop it. >< I kind of had a decent routine going for a bit but then...

Well, what with the pandemic and everything, works gotten so...Ugh scattered, I don’t know. I used to work at three schools at set times on set days. Then, at the beginning, we cancelled kids classes for a bit and I lost my main source of exercise! But then those weeks passed and the classes started again and then the pandemic got worse and some classes switched to online (which wasn’t an option before so no one had any training because...it wasn’t a thing so why would anyone have training?) and then things progressed more and all in person classes were cancelled, but then that caused a huge drop in class amounts so they had to close schools and my main school and one of my other ones were some of the smaller ones and just completely closed, so I got a super long vacation period (Golden Week was like 4 days this year but I got 9 days off) and then going back to work, since my schools were closed, I got moved to other schools and the times have all changed and some days they don’t have enough work so they just tell me not to come in but only like a day in advance.

And all the schools I’m at are significantly farther than my regular schools. And I already usually work evenings. So I’m getting back to my train station around 11-11:30 and all the grocery stores are closed because there’s a pandemic so I can’t grocery shop as usual, I have to go to a different train station and then I can’t always get my usual foods and next thing I know I’ve got a basket of bananas, fruit juice, bread, oreos, chocolate, crackers and some other type of cookie.

And basically what I’m saying is I can’t live like this. xD: Also, I have to wear a mask all day every day at work and I’m pretty sure once summer comes I am going to die. I understand why it’s important and I completely agree that we all should be wearing masks. That doesn’t make it any less inconvenient and uncomfortable though.

I already have a lot of trouble with temperature regulation. I’m pretty sure I’ve already told my stories here before. (Recap: Used a hot tub when I was like 10, spent the entire night barfing, cautiously tried a hot tub in high school, had a massive headache and terrible nausea the rest of the day, took a cool, 10-minute bath a few years ago, passed out the second i tried to stand up despite having actively taken action to prevent that ((short bath, cool bath, door open, glass of water before, let all the water drain before even attempting to move, fan on, the works))) Basically, on top of the mask being uncomfortable and squeezing my face so much it gives me a headache within minutes and the straps rubbing my ears raw, it makes me so hot that i get queasy real quick.

I’m just tired of everything right now, sorry. I’m pretty sure I had a point at the beginning of this rant but I’ve lost track of it now. :/

[gooeyguy]

email to my teacher (warning alot of personal stuff)

Hey so, sorry to email you out of nowhere like this? But i feel like maybe im finally at a point where i can explain more thoroughly why im having trouble with school or just succeeding in general. I think its really important that i tell you some of this junk because theres a chance it might make the rest of the year easier for you and me.

I wanted to start off with apologizing for all the trouble ive caused you throughout the year with the annoying comments, disruptions and backtalk.  And most of all the terrible ability i have with doing and turning in work.

This email is mostly to explain my situation and reasoning for acting/struggling the way i have been (not to annoy you or be sarcastic).

Alright so, if you havent noticed i struggle with some things and one of them i never really bring up is ptsd. I have been diagnosed and im hoping to enlighten you on my specific issues with it, (everything i mention will apply to me as to make it less confusing from here on)

 I have a specific type of ptsd called Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD; also known as complex trauma) This type of ptsd is different in that it results from repetitive, prolonged trauma. My causes for being diagnosed are specifically natural-detachment from my mother and physical/sexual abuse growing up and some other things im not going to mention.

My side effects from this are,

Attachment – "problems with relationship boundaries, lack of trust, social isolation, difficulty perceiving and responding to other's emotional states, and lack of empathy"

This is strongly linked to my reactive attachment disorder and explains alot to why i am the way i am. Heres a link to a website http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/mental-health-reactive-attachment-disorder#1 that explains a bit of what it is so that i do not have to make this already long email that much longer, i would also really appreciate it if you read even just a little.

I have an extreme lack of trust in others and am constantly doubting myself, there is not a second of the day where i dont think im a horrible person, i could be doing better, im disgusting to look at ect. The social isolation is a big problem for me, because im “this way” i feel that bothering others with my presence/problems/medical difficulties ect. is not necessary and for the better. Hence why i refrain from asking when i really need help, im scared to bother you. I dont want to make you angry and i know you and mrs mumford are already so stressed by the time my bell starts.

Biology – "sensory-motor developmental dysfunction, sensory-integration difficulties, somatization, and increased medical problems"

This ties into my Fibromyalgia and eds which ill explain more about after i go through ptsd. Its all kind of one big mixed bag of disorders that tie together and make me the way i am.

Affect or emotional regulation – "poor affect regulation, difficulty identifying and expressing emotions and internal states, and difficulties communicating needs, wants, and wishes"

Like i talked about before i feel extremely useless and annoying when asking for help or even talking about the things i enjoy. And when trying to explain my difficulties i stop midsentence or forget words/forget what my problem is and it becomes frustrating.

Dissociation – "amnesia, depersonalization, discrete states of consciousness with discrete memories, affect, and functioning, and impaired memory for state-based events"

THIS is what i blame for never being able to remember anything. With fibromyalgia i have whats called “brain fog” and with the constant dream like state im in because of dissociation it makes my memory absolutely terrible. Remembering your names in class took me until almost 3rd quarter and it was utterly embarrassing(i still forget sometimes), its even more embarrassing when i forget basic buttons on the calculator and have to ask in front of everyone looking like an idiot.Or when i try to shout out an answer in class and it comes out gibberish because my mind is everywhere all at once, Or when we have a test on the formula we learned a week ago, and of course my mind draws a blank. I cant remember, and it makes me so frustrated with myself that i want to break down right there in class. It renders me doing weird things too, like the other day i put the icecream in the bread drawer, and on sunday i woke up and got ready for school. Theres alot of other things i could say but its as if fibro is laughing in my face.

 Dissociation in my own words is feeling like nothing is real, things dont feel like they happened. What does feel real is the pain/feeling in my body, i am a very anxious and jumpy person so im very sensitive to loud sounds/touch/weather and certain (triggering)  talk among students. And yet i still feel in a daze,My vision will sometimes blur and i am very prone to falling/accidents, staying focused can be extremely frustrating because my brain feels like a cloud, its almost uncontrollable like a dream. I dont think anyone can control those very much so i think its a good example.

Behavioural control – "problems with impulse control, aggression, pathological self-soothing, and sleep problems"

Im pretty okay with impulses, i of course have alot of very impulsive thoughts but i am good at controlling them id say, same with aggression but i very much so struggle with sleep problems because of nightmares from ptsd and chronic pain from fibro, i have not been diagnosed with insomnia but im sure i fit the criteria im just really bad at opening up with doctors/people ect.

These are just a couple more symptoms to help explain,

Cognition – "difficulty regulating attention, problems with a variety of "executive functions" such as planning, judgement, initiation, use of materials, and self-monitoring, difficulty processing new information, difficulty focusing and completing tasks, poor object constancy, problems with "cause-effect" thinking, and language developmental problems such as a gap between receptive and expressive communication abilities."

Self-concept – "fragmented and disconnected autobiographical narrative, disturbed body image, low self-esteem, excessive shame, and negative internal working models of self".

Alterations in relations with others, including isolation and withdrawal, persistent distrust, a repeated search for a rescuer, disruption in intimate relationships and repeated failures of self-protection.

Loss of, or changes in, one's system of meanings, which may include a loss of sustaining faith or a sense of hopelessness and despair.

Variations in consciousness, including forgetting traumatic events (i.e., psychogenic amnesia), reliving experiences (either in the form of intrusive PTSD symptoms or in ruminative preoccupation), or having episodes of dissociation.

Changes in self-perception, such as a chronic and pervasive sense of helplessness, paralysis of initiative, shame, guilt, self-blame, a sense of defilement or stigma, and a sense of being completely different from other human beings

Now that im done explaining the ptsd, Fibromyalgia

Fibromyalgia is a chronic pain disorder that my doctor believes to be linked to my other disorders, Fibromyalgia has to do with the senses we as humans all have, feeling, hearing, taste, and sight. The difference between someone with fibro and an average healthy person is lets say theres a knob for how strong each of these senses are, so imagine someone taking all those knobs and turning them all the way up to max sensitivity. Youd think oh cool youre like a super hero (like my sister likes to say) but no its the exact opposite, it does not benefit me whatsoever. Feeling, paired with ehlers danlos syndrome both my joints and my muscles are constantly in pain and some days ill have what you call a “flare up” which is where getting out of bed usually isnt an option for my body, i cannot remember the last time i didnt feel at least a dull ache in my head, i get migraines at least once everyday and unfortunately i get nauseous so i dont eat very much . Almost everything is irritating to my skin, a simple light rub of my finger on the top of my forearm is irritating and raw feeling (like ive been sitting there rubbing the same spot for hours) /Writing is over all painful, including typing as well/

If youve ever woken up in the morning with sore muscles from pushing yourself too hard the day before,that is how the muscles in my body feel, if you press on them they ache, and sting/burn when i use them. painful touch for most of my body paired with constant anxiety of getting bumped into/touched is stressful and tiring. On a good day my pain scale is a 5 from 1-10 but thats if im really lucky.

Then theres the weather, if im too hot and i start to sweat, the sweat stings my skin and i end up going into a frenzy of scratching and agony.  If its too cold my joints will start to lock up and become painful, its like they freeze and when i move them it feels like im shattering ice in my hand mixed with dull muscle ache. If its a good temperature theres still the feeling and i swear, the sound i can hear of my joints grinding together like two pieces of rubber being rubbed against eachother slowly.

Hearing is also bad, loud sounds are very irritating to my ears and will cause my migraine to get worse.(Talking too loud)Other irritating sounds, paper rubbing against paper roughly making that blblblb sound, high pitched noises of any loudness, squeaks, repetitive beeps ect.

Sight wise turning on lights abruptly is painful and makes my migraine worse, any bright light in general.

Taste doesnt really matter so i wont mention, but because these knobs are turned full blast it means the nerves and pain receptors in my body are being over worked constantly by my brain

And my brain thinks its doing its job by constantly acting like ive been running triathalons.

The recollection of pain comes in avalanches of distress for me. I usually experience the intense turmoil of fibromyalgia in the winter, or whenever cold fronts shatter the air and its frail victims. My limbs cannot contain the strength possible to function during those cold spells. Fibromyalgia���s lengthy sentence comes and goes for some, but, as a teenager, it’s disheartening. For the rest of my life, I will never be able to remember living without every waking moment marked by pain.

The abnormality of fibro weighs on my shoulders when I’m asleep, awake, or anywhere inbetween. I wake up at 4:30 each morning in order to be shuffling around by 6:20 a.m. The heaviness of my body pulls me down and pains me as I take a shower, put on my clothes, and put my small backpack on my shoulder to head out to school. Any sense of touch creates extreme levels of pain for me. Touching my arm, poking my leg, and brushing against my back hurt as much as twisting my ankle. My distraught reaction is a lot like a dog crying in pain and distrust after you accidentally step on its paw. Because im always in pain im always right next to the emotional breaking point, im always on the verge of tears. The smallest things can make me break down.

The pain prohibits me from being a teenager. Thanks to fibro, I cannot dress up in my favorite clothes and be what you call “Extra” everyday as i so much wish to be during the winter. My hands are crooked and shake too much usually to apply makeup. I struggle with applying eyeliner, because my hands hurt too much wrapped around a brush. The uncomfortable school chairs make me weep when I return home, because they destroy my concentration, forcing me to focus on the overwhelming pain I feel. I used to excel in school, but now, I can barely think fast enough, and come off as ditzy. I feel like I’m constantly struggling to maintain the fragments of my intelligence I lost due to fibro medication and fibromyalgia itself.

My GPA, became my ball and chain in school, rather than an accomplishment worth sharing. During the year, my schedule is dictated by the weather. Cold weather causes agonizing, excruciating pain that races down my spine and branches through my limbs. If a cold front passes, rain falls, snow falls, or temperatures drop, I freeze like the Tin Man, except there isn’t any oil to move my joints. The way I get sleep should be considered a torture method. Many people feel refreshed or renewed when they wake up after 8 hours, but I feel completely restless and exhausted. And thats if the nightmares from the PTSD dont interrupt. I toss and turn for hours in pain, because the pain signals interrupt the sleep cycle. I cry intensely whenever I think of sleep; school usually means a lack of sleep, but I am further deprived without choice. My biological system cannot allow me to rest, and continues to tense my muscles in a constant state of flight or fight.

With most schools starting at 8 a.m., my body struggles to run on 8 hours of sleep (which really feels like two). The exhaustion prevents me from hanging out with some of my closest friends. In the early stages of having fibromyalgia, I used to be able to do school clubs, hang out with my best friend, and go to cons with my friends often. Now, I spend my time huddled down, trying to make up for the nights of lost sleep. The lack of sleep and the endless pain contribute to extreme depression. And to keep my mood relatively happy i act like a goose in school with friends which doesnt do me good with teachers, I do it to not break down and let myself get too low around others because i know id regret embarrassing myself like that more than anything. The pain yearns for my thoughts to leap toward suicidal thoughts, and I was obsessed with death for years and still am. There was a time when I searched for ways to end my life, because nobody could help me and I couldn’t face living the rest of my life knowing that I’ll always be in pain. I still have these thoughts, and I believe I always will as long as I emit pain. Hence why i was in the hospital for a week recently, the hopelessness and embarrassment is dragging me down. The whole idea of having fibromyalgia embarrasses me. I’m embarrassed that I am constantly being called crippled, disabled, or chronically ill.Or worse not being noticed at all while struggling. I’m embarrassed that fibromyalgia makes me feel like I’m 67 instead of 16. I’m embarrassed that I will never be able to be an artsy beat poet like Patti Smith, or a rock ‘n’ roll guitarist like Keith Richards.

So i think thats as much as i can cover for you right now with my two of my biggest problems , im extremely exhausted and im not joking when i say my fingers feel like they are gonna fall off haha.  

Im terribly sorry for how long this email is but i think i got most everything with these two topics in there, also dont feel obliged to reply to this, im already embarrassed i even wrote all this down (terribly).

Quick thing i would like to say before i end the email, with all respect i am not looking for sympathy in any way. I am simply stating the way i am  in hopes that if you understand itll make things less stressful for me and you. So dont feel like you have to do anything for me.  

Thankyou for reading if you got this far, really. (btw forwarding this to Mrs. m******d is totally okay with me)