#i also hate the people who compare to next to normal because there's allowed to be more than one show about mental illness

[tardis--dreams]

Some of those doctors make hating oat milk their entire personality. I hate them. Cannot pretend to find them funny or like i give a shit. Fucking pretentious assholes

[willieverseetheland]

a relationship with dexter morgan...

Dexter Morgan x reader relationship head-cannons and etc. sfw!

trying different layouts, kinda rocking with it.

Dexter Morgan who brings you little sweet treats after work (or rather, after a kill)

He is also known to give you a foot massage from time-to-time

And makes you breakfast in the morning, pancakes of course

He's always watching you, analyzing you, admiring you. Wondering how you do it, act so graceful, exist so human. You're so human to him, real. You feel things deeply, you love, you hate, and craziest of all; you love him. You ground him, keep him in touch with his humanity.

He's often considered himself empty, a shell of a human. However, you make him feel things. Something that deeply shocked him at first, but something he's grown to adore.

He's very protective of you, especially in public. He's not big on pda or even holding hands, but he'll keep you as close to him as possible. Keeping an eye out for any unsavory characters. He knows what kind of people are in this world, he really knows.

If you mention you like something once, he'll show up the next day with a lot of whatever it is. It can be annoying at times, like when you mentioned you like yogurt and Dexter showed up with a case of yoplait every time that you saw him for like a week, but you wouldn't trade it for the world.

For being such a control freak, he's not all that controlling in his everyday life. He pretty much always lets you choose dinner, the movie, tv, the restaurant, etc. While he may be thinking how stupid something is on the inside, if you're happy, he's okay with it.

He loves watching you get ready for the day, especially when you do your makeup. He likes the ritual of it, it reminds him that everyone has one, and that he may not be as disconnected from humanity as he thought. He knows they're not exactly comparable, but it's the principle of it.

He's a great listener, he loves hearing you rant about your day, your idiot coworkers, all your simplistic little annoyances and day-to-day happenings. It takes his mind off his very complicated, fucked up life. Allows him to see into the world of the average, normal person.

He's always touching you when you sleep, his hand on your waist, face buried in your neck, legs intertwined with yours. It's likely because his subconscious is convinced that you're going to wake up one day and see him for what he truly is, then leave him.

...

Got inspired by one of my mutual’s recent post, idk why I never considered making short little head cannon posts and whatnot. I think it's cute! Hope y'all like it :)

nsfw version coming soon...

[princesssszzzz]

Team Black has interesting characters, but I need them to have more conflict with one another to see them truly shine.

https://www.reddit.com/r/HouseOfTheDragon/s/nPLxtAKy0u

Thoughts on this post?

Hmmm I don’t fully agree. HOTD is a drama, but not a telemundo soap opera. They don’t need to argue with other characters in every scene to be interesting. They don’t need to create any problems, the problems are already there and just need to be fleshed out.

One of the issues with how people are reacting to these characters is trying to force their favorites to be villainous or nuanced like the Lannisters when no one in HOTD will ever come close to that. It’s forced “my fav is so bad and different”, especially when the characters have no agency and the few who do like Larys or Mysaria get ignored basically. My criticism for the show is not that I want all the characters to hate each other or it’s boring. I just want the characters to have natural reactions to what’s going on around them, and some of those reactions are negative. It doesn’t have to be plot altering or extreme. Like with Rhaena, I don’t expect her to HATE Daemon and start plotting his death. I just want them to talk about his behavior and have the show portray the effects it’s had on her. That’s actually very minor in the grand scheme of the story. People should also separate political vs personal happenings in the show because for some reason that keeps getting mixed. I like the realism of GOT, and it’s not realistic to have everyone on the same side in constant turmoil with each other. I genuinely get bored with main characters, so that’s just me. I get burnt out seeing the same character promoted over and over again. It’s like when they keep playing the same song on the radio it’s just annoying.

So I’m personally bored with most of the characters like Alicent, Rhaenyra, and majority of the them I won’t ever be interested in them and that’s how I was with GOT also. I don’t support either team, and people on both sides will claim the show is giving favoritism when really it’s…….both?? but only certain characters are being white washed so idk why people pick and choose when to have an issue with that. Rhaenyra has clearly been white washed but that’s not the only character. Like Aemond is a total horrible person in the book and now is allowed the grace to be the victim of teasing by Jace as a child that’s still brought up when he’s basically an adult now. He’s not controlling Vhagar, so not killing his nephew on purpose and people even vilify Baela and Rhaena claiming they started the war over wanting to claim Vhagar. Like if he’s a villain than he can’t be the victim at the same time. Characters like Rhaena are not given grace for their young age or how things in Westeros could be out of their control, so again people like to pick and choose and I don’t think the writers giving people conflict will stop a fandom from behaving like that.

Daemon is one of the morally worst characters right now (even if people ignore that) and will be that way when the show ends, and he’s actually portrayed as crazy. He himself I don’t think was white washed or portrayed as a good person, I just want the other characters to react to what he’s doing instead of just moving on to the next plot point. With Jace I’m interested in his character regardless if he’s portrayed as good or bad, but I just want him to have reactions to what’s going on in addition to his normal Dance plot if that’s makes sense. How he’s coping with being a bastard.

I kinda just gave up on Rhaenys and Corlys because I know they are just keeping Rhaenys around until she dies early in the war and Corlys will not always support team black. Season 1 Corlys is ridiculous and I think he’s been shown as ridiculous especially with trying to marry off Laena and they did have a scene with Rhaenys blatantly saying those aren’t their grandkids. But more is going to happen as the seasons go on. This is why I’m always comparing some of the the HOTD characters to their actual GOT counterparts and parallels. Rhaena and Baela especially they are surviving the war but they won’t have 8 seasons to flesh them out and then bring them back together so they can’t really have huge beef with people established to begin with bc it won’t be settled on screen. And people are not allowing time for the characters to actually be developed before trying to create some finalized view of them. They weren’t even in a full season. Idk why characters 16 and younger are adultified by the fandom when the grown ups are being treated like children. That’s so bizarre. Also for some reason a large section of the fandom only views the show and characters through a shipping lense and refuse to perceive the characters outside of that.

The characters I’m most interested in seeing interact is some what somewhat Daemon, Baela, Rhaena, and Jace & Aegon, Criston, and Otto and most of these characters will not have conflict. Criston and Aegon are about to be on the same page basically for the rest of the show. I don’t think Daemon and Baela will ever have serious beef on screen. And that goes way beyond the Dance because like I said in a post last year there’s more going on with them being girls in a patriarchal universe than people just yelling at the screen for them to do their own thing. We already know Jace doesn’t really like Daemon like that and the Daemon/Rhaena thing I’ve explained a couple times. Jace/ Baela interactions, it depends on how they portray Jace…….

[signedeclipse]

Hi! May I request nsfw oneshot with Gyokko (in his true form) x fem reader? Don't have any specific idea just him being his mischievous, confident self while blushing like crazy. I thought I finally don't simp for him anymore, then I saw him animated when he was blushing after Muzan touched him and I'm back at it again 😅

Desire is Passionate [Gyokko X Reader]

Reader is Human Female | NSFW

Recomended Song - Into You by Ariana Grande

The days were long and boring for you, filled with an overly bright sun and plenty of people that found you repulsive.

Women your age were supposed to be married in your town, usually with a kid or three, staying at home to bring them up while the husband works in the market or something along those lines.

You were eccentric compared to most around here, which made you stick out like a sore thumb. You could never explain that it wasn't that men hated you, but that you had a partner waiting for you that they could never know of.

Well, never was a stretch. WIth how many went missing after they dared to lay hands on you, you were starting to think many had found out in their final moments.

Your day didn't start very early, only waking up around 3 pm so you could go out and sell some of the pots your lover had finished, of which most sat in houses costlier than your entire life.

They sold for a lot, being intricate pieces with handiwork almost unnatural, which it was. Your husband had been at it for over a century, and all of these pots were both a way of getting you by and spreading his reach to the furthest corners of Japan. It was impressive, and everyone believed you had made them.

Everytime you walk up the mountainside to your secluded home, it'd be one with guilt at the back of your mind. He encouraged you to take credit because who else could have made them? No one could know it was him. Still, the compliments you received were not meant for you.

When you could, you'd write them down and give them to him, hoping he would take them as well as you had. He had admirers out there.

You always made it home just in time for the sunset so when you opened the door you wouldn't risk getting sun inside. It also meant you could expect to be greeted.

"I'm home!" You spoke the moment you pushed open the door, pulling your shoes off while listening to the faint giggles from the studio peeking from the side of the home. It was made of glass, allowing the moonlight in, and in the day you usually had a thick canvas material pulled over it to create shade.

"My dear! I've waited all evening..."The old wooden flooring creaked beneath you as you were able to see past the corner into the studio, stepping down onto its ceramic flooring that was covered in a thin dust, and dozens of half-complete pottery.

Stemming from one of the only finished ones in the room was a tall figure, which had slip-covered hands shaking off the filth so he could swoon towards you.

"Good Evening, Gyokko!" You hugged onto the torso of the being, playfully slapping away any of the hands from getting your fresh clothes dirtied. "You woke up early, didn't you?"

Normally he wasn't up until an hour into the night, just to be certain. But from what you could see, he ripped off the cover himself and was already working on his next project.

"Surprise~!" His 'tail' of sorts had curled around you, keeping you still in his grasp. "I figured I would gift you my company today, since I ate so well yesterday."

Despite your protests, one of his hands had swept your hair out of your face, which left a streak of clay in it. It would be easy to wash out, but you still protested.

Gyokko was playful, especially if it meant mildly inconveniencing you.

When you ducked out of his grasp to do a light jog to the kitchen, your refuge behind the counter worked rather well at keeping him away. He could only tread so far before he had to move pots, and there weren't any finished ones in the kitchen.

Much to your surprise, the sound of heavy steps only registered after a pair of claws hands had lifted you up into the air, holding you there from your under arms like a sad, mopey cat.

You pouted at him, legs hanging limply in defeat, which only made the upper moon giggle further.

It was criminal how helpless, how absolutely adorable you were to him. You were his everything.

On the other hand, you had dropped your bag to the floor before he had picked you up, leaving you with no weapons to retaliate- not that you would- and staring at his form like you usually did.

Gyokko didn't hate this version himself, he loved it! But it meant his pots became useless, which defeated the point of a demon blood art. Around you though, it didn't change any circumstances, only made it easier to chase you around since you were always so keen on fleeing.

He didn't mind playing chase, and you didn't mind seeing him like this; talk about total eye candy.

His scales bloomed in colour when he was like this, lighting up his very, very generously muscular frame. His hair of sorts also grew out, giving off the same magenta and purple he had before. Each of his mouths curled into a grin, with one licking its lips. It was hard to register that his eyes were looking you up and down.

"You're like a little doll, aren't you?" He sat you on the kitchen table, though his body was pushing your legs apart, each webbed hand holding onto your wrists as if he were worried you'd crawl away.

You'd seen what he could do, watched him puncture flesh with his talons as if it were butter, seen his teeth break through bone, you knew he could do whatever he wanted- but all he did was lean in until you leaned in too, giving him a small kiss.

Not once had he forced you to do anything, and you could tell by the way his skillful hands were already moving to your waist and squeezing ever so gently that he was feeling out every groove your body had.

You couldn't help but smile at the fact that you had something so rare all to yourself, and a blush crept to his cheeks in response.

"Let me treat you, for all the hard work you do for me...!" His excitable nature hadn't died, as once he received your approval through kisses, he was pushing you down into the counter, towering over your lowered frame. This form was unnaturally large, in that his hips met with the perfect edge of the counter, making it so easy to push yours into his.

"Gyokko-" "Try to relax, I just want to feel you out..." His talons danced along the cloth of your dress, before untangling any knot and leaving the silk falling to the counter, making a nice blanket for you from the cold surface.

His eyes devoured you whole, admiring every flash of skin he got access to, like a treat. Something about it was a carnal desire, something about it made tingles race through your back when his claws tread so dangerously along your collarbone, palm falling flat between your breasts and dragging down your stomach.

The webbing between his fingers made his touch feel so warm, so complete as his other hands joined to pull your waist towards his further, grinding a need you could feel against your undergarment.

You'd watch him mould clay for hours, but nothing compared to how he would mould you into him, pushing into every curve as if you were another pot.

Yet he treasured you more than anything else he had.

With one hand holding you down from the divot below your ribcage, the other held onto your hip, keeping you in place as his hips then began to push back and forth into yours, shooting what felt like pure electricity into you.

"My muse, I've been so down on inspiration. I could really use a pick-me-up!" He wasn't shy, speaking his thoughts aloud and he leant down, one mouth kissing you briefly and the other nibbling at your blushing cheek, leaving a small mark similar to a couple of freckles.

Anytime you tried opening your mouth, he hushed you with a kiss, grinding his hips back again. The scales on his forearms brushing into your skin as he did so, feeling almost slimey; though they left little residue.

You took that as your cue to quiet down and allow him to do the talking, only letting out a huff of hair that just barely gave off a whimper.

But Gyokko wasn't all that patient at times, especially when it was something he craved so deeply for. His cheeks burned online the coolness of the rest of his skin, which left him with this dumb smirk on his face.

Just like that, the hand on your hip slices a finger forward, cutting through the fabric of your underwear and letting them drop to the floor, useless for the time being. The same finger dipped deep into your folds, before pulling back to see the slick wetness drip down between your thighs. He had been grinding absentmindedly, but he planned to do something with a lot more intention.

One of your arms snapped up instinctively, but when it tried to cover your mouth, it only found his free hand had already made its way, muffling the needy call.

"Come on now, don't complain so soon...!"

A chilling tap caused your body to freeze, feeling something slither up your thigh before curling its end, then another, and another, until a thick 'plap' noise matched the falling of a coiling tentacle that landed on your stomach, slithering until it stretched its full length out to meet just above your belly button.

Gyokko had a lot more than anyone could anticipate, with several slime-covered tendrils feeling all about your heat as he let out an over-excited and broken exhale.

He was built...different.

"Try not to move too much, it only gets them needier."

Author Note -  I KNOW I KNOW WE ALL HATE A CUT OFF I wrote so much more than I antipicated and it projected to like 3k words so I wanted to cut it at a sudden but satisfactory spot. Sorry for projecting onto your ask Anon but THANK YOU!!!

Word Count - 1,672

Art Credit - Miso

[thelyingjoke]

something i’ve always found confusing is the way some people will criticize kokichi by saying “well if he REALLY hates murder why did he cause two deaths” when like…aren’t half the culprits in dr people who would’ve otherwise considered murder bad???

i think some people blow the significance of DICE’s no murder rule way out of proportion. it wasn’t a “oh kokichi would never in a million years ever consider murder, he’d be a strict pacifist 100% of the time no matter the situation, he wouldn’t ever hurt another person. this will never fail”. it was used to show that he wasn’t a remnant of despair—that despite everything, he wasn’t a mega evil person. he wasn’t a senseless killer, he had morals. normal morals, like killing is bad.

i don’t know if i’m really explaining this right, but for example let’s compare him with kaede. kaede, outside of the killing game, would’ve never even thought about murdering another person. when they’re first told about the game, she swears that she’d never participate in something like that. and yet she’s the first one to do so, because she feels like it’s the only thing she can do. and there are tons of examples of this aside from her—gonta, sayaka, teruteru, etc. the killing game takes good people and puts them in a horrible situation where they feel like they have to sacrifice their morals and do something they’d otherwise never do. (i’d also write a whole thing about kokichi/kaede parallels but that’d be getting sidetracked…if someone wants to hear about it i will)

and it’s kinda strange to me that people expect kokichi to be a special case? i mean, for the record, he did do his absolute best not to give into monokuma, and only caused miu’s death because she was going to kill him and he didn’t have many other options. gonta also has agency in this situation and was the one who agreed to kill miu. kokichi also felt so guilty about it he made himself the next victim. but only looking at the point that i mentioned at first, somehow to those people having a specific rule for his organization that murder isn’t allowed somehow means he’s supposed to stand by that more than other people that condemn murder? it makes sense why it’d be a rule—he runs a petty crime prankster group, and it’d be good to have regulations in place so that no one gets carried away. not liking murder is normal people behavior and he’s just as prone to emotional turmoil as everyone else

[batsplat]

tired: 10 year anniversary of sepang 2015 next year

wired: 20th anniversary of jerez 2005

(we need to get gibernau on like oxley bom podcast or any other podcast which would ask great questions and won’t let him yap too much. come on guys please)

the establishment might forget but the streets (me and 2-4 anons on tumblr) won't

y'know it was kinda annoying when marc skipped the jerez presser this year because usually at least one enterprising soul asks some kind of jerez 2005-related question, just to remind everyone. just to check in whether they'd be interested in doing it again. because the journalists clearly absolutely loved it the first time, very much here for the drama of it all. so we had all those 2016-19 era pressers where marc and valentino were two guys who obviously hated each other but also had this fun legacy link. which gave all the other blokes in the room (riders and journalists alike) to just do a little round of 'yeah those two nutters', which marc and valentino are sometimes more sometimes less responsive to depending on the current vibes of the relationship. I miss it!! and I actually really like jerez 2005 for agenda purposes because it's like. the super flashy bit of the feud everyone remembers. so you have a big talking point that ensures nobody can ever QUITE forget sete's name... but also it misses out all the real juicy stuff and allows valentino to erase sete's story forever and ever, which we've established by now I'm basically supportive of

anyway I was thinking of the four year anniversary of jerez 2005, the first time since 2006 sete was actually in the paddock

and valentino gave an interview where he does talk about the race a little bit, which is also fun in the context of the brewing jorge rivalry

Q. For some people this is the 'real' start of the season, this is such a big grand prix for you isn't it. Valentino Rossi: I agree because Jerez is always fantastic. The track I like a lot but the atmosphere around the circuit is completely different compared to Qatar and Motegi. We hope also the weather will be different because we fight a lot against the water in the first two races! This time the forecast is okay, so it is possible to make a normal weekend, because the first two races of the season were very strange. Qatar, and also Motegi, it was difficult to work with the bike together with the new rules with less time on the track. So the test here was okay, I won a lot of times on this track and had big battles with Sete (Gibernau) and others. I think it is possible to do a bit better than the first two races, but anyway 40 points is so important, we are close to the top and we are happy with our performance.

it's really only the one battle he has with sete at the track!! not one of the tracks where they have several goes at it. but well. it was a memorable fight so we'll allow it

Q. You haven't won a race, but you are right in there as we come into Europe. That's very important isn't it? VR: Yes. Taking 40 points in the first two races is crucial for the championship, because of the strange situation. We have tried to make the best of it. I preferred the Motegi race compared to Qatar because I was just 1.3s behind the victory and it was a better fight and better to enjoy. In Qatar I was all alone in the race, in the night, so it was quite scary! For sure Jorge and Dani will have extra motivation in front of all their fans, but we try to fight.

"in qatar I was all alone in the race, in the night, so it was quite scary" shksdfh. he's not wrong though:

dire era. anyhow - if anything valentino gets exactly as much extra motivation from going to spain as the actual spaniards do, check out how he behaves every time he's fighting spaniards on their home soil

Q. You said in Japan, probably four people can win the championship this year. That's good isn't it? VR: Yes. I am in a good shape, Yamaha is so competitive and we work well with the team. I assumed already that Jorge, with more experience on the Bridgestone tyres, would come back and fight for victories. Stoner is always impressive and strong and Dani (Pedrosa) demonstrated in Japan that if his knee is fit then it is possible to battle every Sunday for the championship. So I think it will be very interesting going to the end. Q. We hear you are coming to the TT in the Isle of Man this year, what do you make of that? VR: Dainese organised it for me. For the motorcycle fan it is great to go to the TT one time to understand it. It is like something unreal when you see it on the television so I am very curious to understand it live, and what it means to be there.

"stoner is always impressive and strong" speak on it

Q. If you find yourself going into the last corner fighting for the lead with your team-mate Jorge Lorenzo, like you did racing against Sete in 2005, would you make the same manouvre? VR: With Sete, that race was unforgettable from the first lap we start to fight, but especially the last lap and a half it all happened. I was able to overtake on the last time and I took a small advantage but I made a small mistake on the back straight. Sete came back on me and we nearly touched at the hairpin before two or three overtakes to the last hairpin so it was not just one braking (manouvre). It was a very hard fight. If with Lorenzo it happens the same, then..... Yes. I want to say that time with Sete, I didn't enter in the corner to touch him. I entered to try and overtake and win the race, but unfortunately Sete doesn't crash and anyway he finished second. But anyway we are ready for a battle and we wait for the battle and if it's possible for a race with a rival at the same level like that time with Sete with three or four overtaking in the last lap. It was great. In the last lap - it was great. I think it was our sport. If you look at the races of ten years ago it happened 100 times in one race. I like to run like this. Sometimes you win sometimes you lose.

now I have to suspect somebody made a mistake here and valentino didn't ACTUALLY say "unfortunately sete doesn't crash" or he was joking or something. surely that was supposed to say "fortunately". I mean it'd be very funny if he said unfortunately

having watched this race a fair few times, I won't argue with vale that it was very much hard racing from the word go - and sete in particular is proper feisty on the first lap. obviously, that's still a teensy bit different from barrelling into someone at the final corner, but oh well. also, saying he didn't want to make contact... I mean, if you're making that move it was always going to happen. glad valentino's still enthusiastic about it!! he had a lot of fun!! and I'm sure by 2009 he was starting to miss that kind of fight lol

and yeah, the line "if with lorenzo it happens the same, then.... yes" is fantastic. he's very consistent on this - if yamaha wants to hire two teammates who can fight for the championship, then this is what they'll get out of it :) of course it makes it nicely pleasing that... well, the first visit to spain that year yielded valentino's first victory of the season, but jorge was a bit of a non-factor. (though valentino did execute a lovely final corner block pass on casey, important for the legacy.) but then the SECOND time they went to spain that year, you get the final corner catalunya shenanigans!! it means you have a bunch of 2009 quotes that already sound kinda vaguely foreshadow-y, including sete's fun little quote:

good luck jorge :) there's also plenty that gets said before and after the 2009 races that later became pretty funny in the context of jerez 2013. so there's just something cute about what a legacy that this one act of final corner terrorism has had on the entire sport, in a way that goes beyond the sete feud... let's not forget that a completely ubiquitous aspect of today's riding - dangling a leg when you're taking the corner - is generally believed to have originated at this race. let's not forget that during the infamous 2015 season, the sete rivalry was explicitly referenced at jerez that season to probe valentino's rivalry with marc. it's a move that still gets referenced every single year they return to jerez for a reason! it did so fifteen years ago, it will once again be so next year. long may it continue

[p-taryn-dactyl]

rant!

ok so basically

my roommate told me that she and her summer bridge roommate are thinking about moving into a dorm together this semester, bc the summer roommate is having problems with her current roommate. now normally, i would be fine bc i think myself a nice person, however... this just brings up all my complaints that i had tried to keep quiet about

one, she is the one who insisted on bringing the fridge and microwave from her home so we wouldnt have to rent it (she'll be taking those with her and btw we're only allowed one fridge and microwave per room)

this really isn't a major complaint but she's a recent turned vegan and makes it seem like such a disability and that she's 'helping the world' by being vegan. i get it if it's a health thing or religious but just because you chose to not have the joy of real cheese doesn't mean you're oppressed bbg

adding on to the previous point, ig since she brought the fridge she thinks that she needs to use every. inch. of space of it. like this girl buys entire shelves of food from the store and gets confused when i say i couldn't fit my lunch for the next day in there. like yes, you did bring the fridge (bc you insisted) but these things are supposed to be 50/50 arrangments

she also takes up like 75% of the room. im glad i chose to loft my bed bc now my desk in under there and my drawers but if i hadn't, we would have a major problem. she brought what feels like her whole room plus a few items. i thought i had overpacked but guys, she has so much shit. her desk is covered in things bc she doesn't have a place to put them after already using most of the "shared" storage she brought (and told me not to worry about bc before move in i had expressed just normally fears of moving in)

she has a giant fucking scooter that takes up even more space, keep in mind our room isn't exactly the biggest. and i already have a vendetta againts people who ride bikes and scooters around campus. i do understand that it's easier and for some, a stressless way of getting to class, but when the sidewalk is packed with students walking and you push through on your bike or scooter i want to scream.

she's also like never in the room bc of being with her bf so im stuck in the room cleaning everything that SHE BROUGHT and when she is in the room, she makes offhanded comments about where i put my stuff (i keep everything i own in my little area, and yes sometimes it gets messy but i literally have no space)

and she never really uses all these things she brought??

this is just me lol but im super sensitive to smell and her food, when she makes microwave food, smells horrible and lingers. you might think im being dramatic but guys ive literally thrown up bc of the smell

this is weird: she firmly believes that catholics aren't christian? that led to me trying to explain the history behind abrahamic reglions and the different secs of christianity but she just brushed me off with a "i know an ex-catholic who said they're not christian"

has severe only child syndrome

now, if (probably when) she moves out, she'll be taking everything she brought with her

since she moved in before me bc of her summer program, idk how much space she truly takes up but ik that she's taking the fridge, the dehumidifier, the microwave, the 'shared' storage drawers, the filtered shower head (i bought the sink one), a lot of the cleaning supplies that she insisted on bringing bc she only uses 'sustainable' products, the big trash can that i said i would buy but when i was at the store she texted me and said she already bought one, and our 'shared' water filter

side note: she was always comparing me to her summer roommate, sometimes to the point that one of my friends had to tell her to stop bc i was visibly uncomfortable

and ik it sounds like i hate her and that im just being bitchy, but we are friendly it's just i don't think she's self-aware of a lot of things.

also, last thing: she makes being from texas her entire personality. i genuinely believe she doesn't know that texas is bigger than most european countries with how much she generalizes it's population

i lied, this is the last thing: she mentions a lot how "she's not like the basic girls" which irks me

ok 'rant' over! ik i sound like a bitch and im sorry but i wanted to get this all off my chest.

idk if anyone will have questions but if you do, i'll answer them lol

<3

[rosiewitchescottage]

Stephen Fry Addresses The Nation | Channel 4 Alternative Christmas Message

I don’t normally bother with this ‘Alternative Christmas Message’. The Queen, or now The King’s Speech has always been enough for me. Quaint, old fashioned thing that I am.

But this is Stephen Fry. And I’d happily listen to him read The Telephone Directory, with his ‘...vocal cords made of tweed.’

 I’m delighted to hear him out here as well. I already know he’s Jewish as much as I know he’s gay.

 I recall him mentioning that his mother’s family have Ashkenazi heritage. I think it was when he was talking about Wagner’s Ring Cycle. And, if I’ve heard this correctly. Jewish blood on the maternal side makes one a Jew too.

It hasn’t surprised me to hear antisemitism from The Far Left, because it’s been so prevalent from The Far Right, and the two are both sides of the same bad penny. It was only a matter of the opportune moment for the hate to show itself. *

We can mourn and criticise the appalling death toll brought about by Israel’s response to the Oct 7th Massacre by Hamas. In fact, we should.

In war, civilian casualties should be avoided as much as humanly possible. But, they do still happen, and we shouldn’t accept them as ‘just one of those things’. People are losing their lives, and Life is Sacred.

At the same time, what Hamas did on Oct 7th was terrorism, it was murder, it was brutal. Worse still, they took pleasure and pride in the act. There’s video evidence of it.

And they make no secret of their desire to kill Jews. Israel had every right to respond to such evil. Nothing on this earth justified it.

Palestinians should get their own land, a secure and safe place to call home. Yes, yes, yes.

But. Jews should also get to call The Land of Israel their home too. It stretches back in the history of their People. The Land of Judea is filled with historical evidence of being the Jewish home. It was taken from them, they didn’t merely leave it behind.

And I’ve heard Jews say at Pesach (aka Passover) ‘Next Year In Jerusalem.’

Generations of Palestinians have lived in parts of the country, and yes. I say they should be able to keep doing so. That’s fair enough.

But is it really so difficult for two sides to find a way to establish a Palestinian State and The Jewish State of Israel?

From what I’ve seen on maps. What’s called Israel is such a tiny areas, compared with The Middle East as a whole.

Yes. I’m naive. I don’t understand what’s going on. And it’ll be way too complex for me to have any chance of doing so.

But I can understand that Palestinians should have their own independent, secure home.

And Jews should be free to call Israel home, without being demonised for it.

* (Yes. I have the same non tolerance for anti Muslim hatred. I won’t say ‘Islamophobia’, because religions are sets of ideas, and any set of idea should be open to scrutiny and criticism when need be.

Hate against those who practice any faith, in this case Muslims = those who practice Islam. That’s another matter entirely. It’s never OK.

Yes. We can and should expect that anyone using their faith to spread hate is dealt with by the law. We have hate preachers infesting the UK’s mosques. That should not be allowed to continue.

But the many muslims who are our neighbours, our schoolmates, our work colleagues and our friends. They should be safe and secure to live their faith in the UK, because freedom of religion is important to us and should always be so.)

[pbandjesse]

Jess is here!! It's so nice to have her sleeping in the living room. Today had so many parts. It was a good day.

I slept alright last night. Falling asleep felt rough but didn't take to long. Waking up was not fun but I was alright, just tired.

James was there. I love them so much. They got us in the car on time and had little shorts on and got me breakfast. They are the best.

We got to the market after picking up breakfast and it was a pretty easy set up. I was just tired and it was hot. There would be a nice break at some points but when there was no breeze the heat sucked.

It was surprisingly busy. Like really busy. Me and Ann decided it was because it was going to be hotter, and also raining, later.

But this did not transfer into sales. This was my worst day this season, only selling one keychain for $10. And I know some of it is I was tired and sitting, sitting never leads to good sales. But I did stand a lot of the time!! I was sewing, finishing 3 bears. And getting fluffies literally everywhere.

There was some drama. A vender blocking everyone with their car and being annoyed when they were asked to move. Our community interest was trying to get a bill on the ballot about giving people who just had new babies $1000 to act as poverty prevention. And a terrible old bitch yelled in the nice girls face!! About immigrants for some reason?? Just a horrible bitch. I told on her to Ann and she followed her out so she could yell at them again. It was bizarre. And upset me.

We also had the jazz band. And me and James got a bunch of baked goods. Which I would eat to much of later and hurt my belly. But it's fine. They were good. The music was a little loud but at least it was good music.

I was a little discouraged by my bad sales but I also was to tired to really care. Bob came out to talk to me and I made him laugh really big when I explained about my arthritis and that my body is a disaster. When I said that he threw his head back laughing.

It would start storming really bad though right after noon. I felt terrible for the people in the parking lot. The rain would start blowing sideways and came right onto my table. I went out and stood in it to cool down and brought the trash cans in so they didn't get full of water. Which Stanley thanked me for.

I did get my feelings hurt though. I got my blood results in and I compared them to last month and the normal range on the papers, my liver numbers went from 138 to 48 (normal being 35 so we're getting closer), but my glucose was at 113. Which puts me in a prediabetic range. Which really really worried me. So I was like okay what do you eat to help with reversing prediabetes and it's apparently low carb. Which sucks because I love carbs. But I got my feelings hurt when I filled out a thing to get tailored menus needed height and weight and stuff and when I put that in it came up with big red letters that I was extremely obese and needed to lose 12lbs a month and I was just so sad. I don't feel extremely obese. Like. I feel pretty good overall. I would like to get back down to my healthiest weight, but I just felt so sad being called that, even if it was just a website.

In the camp group chat there was a complaint I didn't give them glue or scissors for their banners. And I was just like. None of you returned them, I gave you 12 scissors and now they are gone. I then said that CJ was allowed to go get some from my building but only CJ. She would text me privately and said she was able to find scissors in the office and would only take glue. Which was fine! I really don't mind giving them all materials but if they are never going to return them I'm gonna leave stuff out every time. Next time it's markers because my crappier markers are now basically all gone. I hate how wasteful some of them are. Just no regard for keeping materials for as long as they can be used. They aren't one time use guys! Ugh.

I would finished up the day very glad to go home. The rain has left and it was just really hot again. I loaded up the car. Went in to hug James. And headed home.

Jess has just told me that she had left her house and was heading to me. Which was excellent. I told her I would go home and sleep for an hour. And I did just that.

When I got back here I fixed the air conditioner since James installed the living room one this morning. I got my quilting board to put in the gap next to it and covered it with fabric. And would try to pin more things in the other windows. It still struggled to get cool in here which made me annoyed.

I would spend a few minutes cloroxing surfaces and then vacuuming a bunch. Just so much cat hair.

I took a quick shower and went to lay down.

It wouldn't be as long of a nap as I wanted but it was still good. But when my alarm went off at 330 I had a text form Jess 6 minutes before that she was 15 minutes away.

And it was almost dead on with her texting me her arrival 8 minutes later. It took me a second to get dressed again and try to shake off how woozy I was. But it wouldn't shake off and it was so bright and hot outside. I was not happy about this. But I was happy to see her. I stood in the shade across the street until she came over.

We went upstairs and we ate the chips and guacamole I got us. We opened our calico critters blind bags. I added my new little babies (I got Katie who was what I wanted, and the special mystery one which was a mouse with an afro??) And she caught me up on stuff. I wanted a full photo tour of her new house and she even had a hand drawn floor plan. It really seems so wonderful and I'm so happy for her. There is work to be done but it's so exciting. I'm going in August to see it and help her. I'm nervous!! My best friends first house!! So stinking cool.

James would come home soon and get details bout the house and how the mortgage process is going and she gave us some tips and advice. And I showed her the area were looking and some houses we've liked. I also filled her in on camp drama and all that nonsense. Which she was shocked about, not all of it but some of it is truly wild.

James was doing laundry. And we decided that at 630 we would go to R house. I put on the romper outfit seen above, which I loved and felt so cool in. Layering the striped tank top under was such a good move. And we would head out.

I introduced Jess to Hot Mulligan and she immediately, almost after the first note, started laughing and was like why does this sound like every song I know but I've never heard it before. We have agreed it sounds like being 15 again.

James drove us to R house. There was a free library box and I got a Richard Scarry book and one about knitting. That one is written in such a lovely style. And it was a Christmas gift from 1972, and also had a hand written pattern in the back!! I may never actually use the patterns in the book but I love that it exists and I think I'll actually read it just because I love how it's written so much.

Funny enough we all decided to try the new Egyptian street food place. And we all got the same thing. Falafel and potato with pickled vegetables. We each got different sauces. Taziki, whipped garlic (something I haven't been able to find since chick p city closed by my old apartment), hummus, baba ganoush , a spicy thing! It was so fun to try them all and really it was a fun meal.

We got mini scoops of overpriced ice cream next. Me and Jess got roasted strawberry and James got key lime. And once James was done eating theirs we went back to the car.

We got back here and me and Jess would hang in the living room. James tried to show us a new game but we didn't understand and we're both a little to tired to power through figuring it out. I was glad James was with us though.

Eventually they would go in the other room to work on editing. And Jess and me would go through some of her Pinterest boards for the house and talk about ideas and aesthetics. It was fun.

We would have another snack and I shouldn't have actually. I wasn't hungry at all but she wanted her snack so I wanted too but it really hurt my stomach and I'm still hurting literally hours late. Which sucks. It kind of drained my energy in the worst way.

Jess would make up the couch for her bed and I came to lay flat in here for a while. She came in to get a charger from my bag of cords. And soon she was in her jammies.

Tomorrow we are going to go to Golden West for brunch. Then to second chance to look for more inspo. Then maybe some errands for the week. I am not sure when she's going home but I'm excited to spend the day together.

I got washed and changed and now we are in bed and I have been struggling to get this done because I am real tired. But I hope that just means I sleep real good.

Sleep well everyone. I love you all

[ihazyourkitty]

I’ve been a major art funk for a long time. I have a love/hate relationship with art. I tend to go through phases of making a ton of things to….. nothing…. Nothing at all. Thank you ADHD and depression for making it difficult to create on a consistent basis. It took me a long time to understand why I am like this. My original goal in college was to do illustration/animation, but long story short, it didn’t work out. In the process of trying though, I was always envious of the students who seemed to be drawing constantly. I never understood how they could do that. It was like they lived and breathed sketching. I tried to focus. I tried taking my little sketchbook everywhere. I tried using reference photos, and going to figure drawing labs. But I just couldn’t maintain that focus long term. I didn’t enjoy doing art like that. It just made me feel inadequate and frustrated. People would sometimes say “well, if you’re in an art funk, don’t avoid it! Just do it anyway, and it will come back!” Sometimes that would work for a little bit, but mostly it just made me frustrated. For me, if it’s not there, it’s simply not there! Plus, when the art block is a symptom of a mental health burn out of some sort, I notice a very distinct, physical difference in the things I create. Other people might not, but it’s almost like a switch has been turned off in my brain, and my skills regress. I remember at the lowest point in my life, some my sketches looked like something I’d draw in middle school…. not from lack of trying, by just because, I don’t know….. I couldn’t function like I normally could. As I’ve grown and gotten treatment for my mental health problems, I’ve learned to just live with this ebb and flow of creativity. Some people can just create whenever, and thus make a stable living off of it. I cannot, and that’s okay. My neurodivergent brain just doesn’t work that way, and there’s nothing wrong with it. It doesn’t make my art any less special. Lately I’ve been developing better habits that make it easier for me to be productive. I also finally got my adderall refilled. This, in turn has brought me back to another period of flow. How long will that flow last? I don’t know, but I try not to worry about when the next art block comes. When the creativity leaves, it will come back. I just got to be patient and kind to myself.

If any fellow artists out there are struggling with a similar problem, I want you to know that it’s ok. You’re not alone, and you’re not a bad artist. Just figure out what works for you, and be kind to yourself. Don’t compare yourself to how successful other artists may seem. Just let you be you. Also! Give yourself permission to make bad sketches/paintings, etc. You are allowed to mess up and make crap. Make as much of that as you want. Fill your whole sketchbook with gunk. Make something that doesn’t have a purpose. I’ve That is perfectly fine. You don’t learn from perfectionism. Constantly erasing doesn’t teach you… failure does. Let yourself make mistakes, let yourself fumble, and be kind to yourself when that happens! Use it to learn. Learn to use those happy little mistakes to your advantage.

^Two oil paintings I did recently. One was from a picture my sister sent from her campground. In the other one, I just decided to play around with a paint knife.

[s0leander]

Boyfriend Material - Alexis Hall (2020)

This book has been compared to Red, White and Royal Blue on a few occasions in book circles, and frankly I do not understand how anyone would come to that conclusion. Everything about this book reads like a bad fanfiction or roleplay session someone wrote when they were twelve. From the one dimensional stereotypical characters, to the confusing prose (if you can even call it that at this point) the tired tropes and idea soup, it is more similar to an old "crack fic" you'd find on fanfiction.net.

The writing itself is bland and often confusing when it isn't downright boring. Thoughts that aren't spoken aloud are written in quotations right next to things that are said out loud. Two characters share a name (James Royce-Royce) with no distinction between the two in scenes where they both have dialogue. It's atrocious and- while I don't wish to rain on anyone's parade -I cannot fathom how this book has so much praise. Did all our brain cells collectively die out before we could review it or did people simply put the book down and walk away, trying to will it from our minds? There seems to be more focus on the comedic aspect of the book that I almost want to think that Alexis Hall wrote this in order to troll us all.

Let's start with Luc O'Donnell, our all-too-angsty protagonist who is reminiscent of a teenager with severe self worth and mental health issues. If an asshole is aware that they are an asshole does that make them any less of one or more of an asshole? If I had to answer in the case of Luc I'd easily choose the latter. He spends most of the book hating himself, making crude jokes, being an all around nightmare to be around, and talking to the reader as opposed to interacting with the man he apparently falls in love with. Luc's also the son of two 80's rockstars, I guess? His father walked out on them as a child which is most of what he bases his dreadful personality on. It's also a major plot point at one time in the book all the way up until it isn't anymore with no real climax or denouement, which is quite unfortunate because if this book had any depth at all it would have been interesting but that is sort of the theme with Boyfriend Material.

Oliver Blackwood is the only saving grace of this book (for the most part). He's a lot like if a singular normal person with far too much patience was put on a reality TV show with the most ridiculous people you've ever met. The stark contrast between him and all the other characters gives me whiplash at the very best of times. His vast vocabulary proves that Hall can write somewhat interesting sentiments without using yassified dated internet terminology and simply chooses not to.

All of the characters, specifically Luc's friends, some form of stereotype and have no real value in the story aside from taking up space and doing whatever Luc needs them to do for him at any given time. All of his friends have somewhat elaborate backstories that are never really expanded upon beyond getting mentioned every now and again in passing. He often ignores other characters unless he can get something out of it or needs something from them (this briefly changes and then continues on subtly) and only hyper fixates on Oliver because he can instead base his worth on a man which is inherently toxic. Luc's boss is every stereotype of a person on the autism spectrum thrown into one. The list goes on.

The vast majority of this book consists of one character being awful to everyone around him, especially the man he supposedly fancies while the latter just allows it to go on. There's no real pining, no significant conflict, no relationship building or anything to denote a true enemies to lovers arc or even a strangers to lovers arc. There is no build up to their relationship, it simply spawns up out of seemingly nowhere after Luc spends a good chunk of the book being in half assed denial about his feelings and Oliver just continues to be a semi-regular guy who's just sort of along for the ride. Why in the world is this book 400+ pages aside from the fact that the author clearly picked several ideas out of a hat and just ran with it, stringing it along together as they went?

I'm not even going to get started on how and why this book is problematic because the one star reviews before mine have done a fantastic job of illustrating that point. The concept is intriguing but the overall story felt like one long slow walk towards nothing and I am genuinely glad that it's over.

[sowwidc]

Something, something autobio

I am secretly a spy.

Well, not so secret anymore now that I’ve told you. But before we get through with the details, an introduction should be customary. I could go on and give you the most common autobiography there is out there, but I’m not here to waste your time. Although I am not saying that this would be the best, it is just something that required me to call upon the Gods of productivity to accomplish. Well, anyway, I am Clarence, most people just call me. . . . Clarence. Well, come to think of it, I’ve grown fond of being called by my surname rather than my given one. Some would try to give me nicknames like, Rence, or Clar, but I never really quite got the hang of it. It’s weird but I don’t hate it. 

I am 18 years into this ever changing world, plagued by the constant thought of adulthood creeping in behind me, preparing to take me by surprise whenever I am not paying attention. I am a transplanted Caviteño, hailing originally all the way from Quezon City. I am in a well-enough place, not much finances but enough to go around the extended family of a small subdivision home. As a part of a large family, being around people became “normal“ for me. However, it wasn’t THE “normal” I am willing to accept even now. 

I have always been academically-inclined, with constant honor rolls throughout Elementary until High School. Although there were years that just weren't mine, I knew I still had to go on and excel better the next opportunity I’ll have. During my enrollment in high school, I vividly remember how the registrar attendee painted their emotions on their face. I’d quite describe it as “O.O”, or for those of you who aren’t familiar with the PC terms, she was shocked. It was an unexpected reaction, even leading me to think my grades were subpar with that amount of emotions she displayed. But alas, I got an offer for a special program for Junior High —  no, not that kind of “special” for people with special needs — But a class with a different curriculum from those of the regulars. Literally “specials” if you ask me, but no one would want to admit that. Anyhow, our classes were of the same level as that of our seniors. We discussed lessons that were advanced for someone our age, hence our teachers must qualify as Masters before they were allowed to teach in our class. Of course, being in that section wasn’t breezy. It was a pressurized chamber. Forcing us, molding us, pressuring us to be role models for the school. Pressures were high, the heat was up (figuratively and literally, the school couldn’t afford air conditioning), and expectations soared through the sky. We managed, formed bonds with each other, and conquered every challenge. “Gold” as we were compared to — a beauty formed by the pressures of the Earth (also our section’s name from seventh to tenth year). We shone, and that was all people could see, and yet we didn’t mind. We had to live by our moniker. 

The pandemic came and went. It changed everything. Taught me everything, showed me who I am, my responsibilities in life. For years I have longed for isolation. And now that it’s finally within my grasp, I wasn’t able to handle it. I was lonely, and it didn’t help that I got forcefully stuck in Cavite because of the lockdowns. The initial plan of a 2-week visit to my older sister in Dasmariñas, became a 2-and-more years of stay. Thankfully though, I am now in a much better place.

Coming through Senior High School, life went abreeze . . . a bit. Of course, most of the lessons I had were already familiar to me, giving me an advantage over my peers. But if you knew me personally, you’d know I’d have forgotten half of those discussions already. Friends were something I had trouble defining, but fortunately not anymore in my senior years. Some might say I am indistinguishable from my past life, and indeed I am. I have learned, nurtured myself, fixed my wrongs, and learned from my mistakes.

Now, you might be wondering, “how long until this guy tells me about his experience as a spy”? — Short answer, right now. Long answer, Riiiiiggghhhtt nooowww. Kidding aside, spies are masters of disguise — they adapt, they quickly learn, and observe their surroundings — much like how I survived this world. I have learned to adapt to new situations, adjusted myself to fit and understand my surroundings. New horizons aren’t my weakness, I strive to find them, I strive to learn them. I venture to new territories to provide intel to my comrades (a.k.a myself), and I communicate with locals as if I am their own blood. But the problem with being a spy is, you sometimes forget your past, you forget your home, the ones you have left behind. But you start embracing your new one, eventually being fooled by your own disguise as well. A couple of stops would remind me of the footprints I have left behind and the stories it told about where I am now.

Something I learned, be a secret spy — tough, strong, adapting, unpredictable. But also be yourself — unique, understanding, resilient, and “Golden”.

[biblicallyaccurateandrogynoussex]

now allow me to fill you in on our cast of characters, all with a healthy dose of found family. (note that if i say a sexuality or anything of that sort its likely a headcanon, this show was made in like the 80s or 90s)

Captain Benjamin Sisko: human. he's like. the only one on this show who isn't some flavor of queer. he's the supportive ally and also very dadcoded (but also has like. an actual son. his name is jake and someone compared me to him once). sisko is in charge of the station! he calls all the shots and is also apparently part bajoran god? he also really likes baseball! one time (in the middle of space war) he taught all his senior officers how to play baseball so he could be petty and win against some dude he didnt like.

Colonel Kira Nerys: bajoran! she's definitely lesbian. she also used to be a terrorist, but now she's second in command! shes got a very queer relationship with the science officer, jadzia dax. her character is really fun. she's technically not a part of starfleet, since she still works for bajor, and that means she gets to bend the rules a little bit. she's stubborn, and her temper can run a bit high, which provides for a contrast with sisko. canonically, shes with odo, and their relationship is the most boring EVER except for when they got together that was so fucking funny

Doctor Julian Bashir: MY SKRUNKLY!!!! he's just a human guy but he's genetically modified because his parents are ableist! he's definitely autistic, transgender, AND bisexual. and when he was a kid, he was special needs, and learned very slowly, and his parents HATED that so they illegally turned him into a super human intelligence wise (and BECAUSE it's illegal, he hides this for most of the series). he aslo CANNOT stop committing medical malpractice and flirting with his patients its awful. hes got a Very Very Homoeroitc relationship with one Elim Garak, who refers to him consistently as "my dear doctor" (they're clearly fucking).

Chief Miles O'Brien: human, literally just some guy, goes through The Horrors regularly. i wish i could remember some of the shit the writers put him through because they do him SO dirty every time there is an episode centered around him. he's the maintenance guy and he technically isnt even an official officer. he was also on a previous show, star trek: the next generation. he's got a wife and kids and a Weird relationship with bashir. theyve at least explored each others bodies.

Jadzia Dax: i forgot her rank. actually. but she;s trill! the trill are weird because there are the PEOPLE and then there are the worms (symbiotes or however its spelled) and you can choose to get joined with a worm or not. jadzia is joined so shes got a shit ton of memories of like 7 other people (kinda systemcore /projecting) and she's best friends with sisko. she's the science officer and canonically gets with worf. they get married, their relationship is... interesting? she's very fun tho, shes got tons of skills from her worms knowledge and she regularly wins at gambling.

(THERE ARE MORE IM SENDING ANOTHER ASK AND PRAYING THIS ONE DOESNT GET EATEN)

I love the comments on how some of these guys have explored each other's bodies. Also we love queer coded guys and system coded guys. Obsessed with their names they're like so normal but to the left

[urwendii]

Oh I'm adding to this because I went through this a few months back.

After knowing rather good engagement on my first fics, I was hit by a sudden drop for the Sequel and all others recent works.

And i kept comparing myself to the other works in the fandom and mostly some fics i really liked who still showed strong engagement by the fandom, while my kudos had plateaued and i was getting comments by 2 or 3 people max. If any.

It hurt a lot and it brought a lot of jealously and envy bc damn it I was there too and it seemed the fandom were now only focusing on these 5 or 6 authors.

I took down my fic in the end, then another and another and in the end, it killed all joy to write about that specific ship. All in all, it poisoned a lot of my happiness in the fandom in general.

It's a complicated situation when you are part of a fandom that is proficient in writing fanfics, and is also subjected to the short attention span of some casual watchers. Aka my first fics were written a couple months after the show and therefore enjoyed more exposure (even if I never managed to hit the popular threshold I was nonetheless extremely happy with the response.) So it becomes hard when half of the readers move on, I was struggling with writing in general and then posted a couple of chapters that got no immediate attention.

It's heartbreaking and as I said I was in direct view of the fact it was not the case for others. Fandoms are like that. It's a brutal reminder that it's all about finding a community you can exchange motivation with, uplifting you.

Sadly for me in that particular fandom I never got that. (I will now confess that A lot of this is also self perception and RSD. I did interact with a few persons, but I never was part of the big communities that flourished and therefore remained apart.)

Looking back, I should have done things differently, I should not have looked up that much to others that are more successful/popular because it's the only road to self disappointment where you forget about your own accomplishment.

Write for yourself they say. OK so I do that now. I am completely rewriting the fic I deleted and will not post it until I am sure I am ready to deal with whatever the answer is going to be.

Comparing yourself with others is natural there's no shame in that. But it should not come at the cost of your self love and confidence. And definitely not let it poison your interest for the topic you used to write.

It came to the point (and I have never said it to anyone before) where I was getting panic attacks just thinking of opening ao3, seeing others chapters getting more kudos, seeing people who used to interact on my fics commenting on others but not mine. I cried more than once. I hated half the fandom. I hit rock bottom.

It's a hard battle. And I think some of us are less equipped to deal with that than others.

That was barely two months ago.

Now I have found my little corner, with a small rarepair and a small handful of people who enjoy it as well. One day I might come back to the big ocean but for now I'm happy to be back swimming in a pond.

My only advice to this is such: if you're feeling wronged or you think it's unfair your fic is not getting recognition. It's NORMAL. you created something and you are in the rights to expect a response.

BUT. If it becomes something that impact your creativity or life in general then it is time to take a step back. Allow yourself this. Its self care. Don't do like me and try and try until it all falls apart and you end up having to move on from something that brought you a lot of joy last year because the mere thought of facing self perceived failure/embarrassment gives you anxiety.

Take a step back. Allow yourself one day to be angry/sad/ashamed. It's healthy. But the next day? You take a deep breath, go outside a bit, hug a tree then refocus on the joy of creating for yourself. It's not easy. It's darn hard. I know. But it's worth doing this.

One last thing, i am fairly competitive so online creations are already a double edged sword for me. And along the way I think I got used to having attention and took for granted the ones I always had by my side.

And to echo OP, now I have relearn this and I am so grateful for my best friend who is always supporting and reading me (despite not even being in the fandom. Seriously Aryn, real MVP ❤️) and I have a couple of other friends with who I love sharing silly niche headcanons.

Having a rarepair reset your need for online clout.

Now I'm happier. Far happier. Actually, I felt blown away that 5 whole people left kudos on a fic that was the 1st of its ao3 tag.

I don't really have a miracle solution. I think in the end, when things get bad for you (aka negative emotions toward your published writing) the only answer is this one:

Sadly you can't force people to care and pay attention to you. Life is unfair. Your work is as good as the ones getting popularity. Find a handful of people who will support you (perhaps offline even - not necessarily irl but friends outside your fandom?), relearn to find joy in little things and don't underestimate the benefit of going offline for a while.

any advice about how to deal with posting a fic and getting radio silence? I know ppl aren’t owed engagement ofc, but I feel embarrassed at having spent so long on something no one cares about, and although I liked thinking about the characters and fandom before (and was considering writing more about them), now I can’t think about it without feeling that overpowering embarrassment 😭 part of me wants to delete the fic, but that would mean having to open ao3 and look at it again LMAO

sorry for the venting, I know this is probably a me problem, but has anyone else felt this, and if so, is there any way to make this pervasive shame go away??

*hugs* This is a very painful thing to experience and there isn't really any way to make it just go away, unfortunately. However, you can reflect on it a bit, when you're ready to.

Writing and posting are separate activities. If you've enjoyed writing the story but you haven't enjoyed posting it to the Archive, you can always continue writing just for yourself. This may or may not be something you'd enjoy - you know better than I do whether some of your enjoyment came from the anticipation of a reaction to your work.

Try to analyze where your embarrassment is coming from. Is it worrying that your story was poorly written? A lack of a reaction doesn't mean that the story is bad. Being unpopular doesn't mean it's bad, either. If your story is good to you, then it's a good story.

Is your embarrassment from feeling like you were "caught trying." Is it a cringe at the idea that you put effort into something that someone else doesn't (appear to) find valuable?

Is it actually embarrassment at all? Are you feeling a different kind of hurt instead? Did you hope that someone in particular would read your story and now you feel ignored? Did you hope to be embraced by your community and now you feel shunned?

These are difficult questions that I'm asking and you might not want to think about them right now. That's okay. You don't need to if you don't want to. You can definitely delete the fic and pretend it never happened. Or you can log out of that AO3 account and create a new one and never look back. Maybe you just need to take a week or a month off for a hiatus of sorts and when the ache isn't as bad, you'll be able to face it all again.

When I felt this way, it was because I felt like I'd put something into my community and that I'd been ignored. But since that time, I've found one person who gives me all of the community support I used to get from an entire fandom, and now when I post something on AO3 I don't actually need a response anymore. I get all of the fun and excitement and validation etc from my conversations and RP threads with my best friend.

Once you've got a little distance from the pain of this moment, try to figure out what it is that you were hoping to get and then figure out how you can get it. Maybe it's through posting fic to AO3, but maybe it's not.

Let's see what others can suggest. This is not something you're experiencing alone, anon. So very many of your fellow fan writers have experienced this too ❤️

[altaruwusmolboiz]

I'm going to rant about how misunderstood Dear Evan Hansen is because I swear to God no one understands complex characters. Before you guys ask, I do have diagnosed GAD and I don't exhibit symptoms the same way Evan does, but I know people who do.

The second, the SECOND there's a character with anxiety that you can't turn into your UwU child who can do no wrong, you immediately make him out as a disgrace. The show by no means excuses Evan's actions. Just because he wasn't physically punished doesn't mean that he's let off scot free. Did you forget that he lost the closest thing he's ever had to friends? Did you miss the part where he tried to say that he wasn't Connor's friend but then got tangled in a web of lies?

I'm not excusing his actions, he's not a perfect person, what he did was awful, but he's a three dimensional character. Calling Evan a sociopath is not only inaccurate, but it's also completely not okay. I'm sorry people with anxiety aren't perfect. Yes, saying that Evan was the hero is absolutely missing the point, but so is saying Evan was the villain.

Not only that but you'll then go and romanticize Jared and Connor and Alana (Two of whom also canonly have mental illness, and Jared implied to have something) and it really shows that there's never an in between. We either could do no wrong or are the worst people on Earth. I like Jared and Connor and Alana but they aren't perfect and neither is Evan, and they have good qualities as well.

Y'all love asking for morally grey characters but the second you actually get some, you criticize it.

As you can probably guess, Dear Evan Hansen means so much to me and it means so much to other people who dealt with mental illness. There's a reason why Waving Through A Window is such a popular song; because it's incredibly relatable. The score is good! It's just not in a musical theatre style, but it's still good! You Will Be Found is a good song! Even to break in a glove is way too overhated. Good For You and Requiem are some of my favorite songs just in a musical in general.

My intention here isn't to say that you have to like Dear Evan Hansen (It isn't without its flaws) but my intention is to say that it's entirely misunderstood. As someone with anxiety, thank you Dear Evan Hansen.

(Side Note: The movie wasn't as good as the musical but the movie wasn't that bad and I think that people overhate that movie as well.)

[nikakistos]

The Perfect Closure of EreMika

The title is pure clickbait (as always), there will be lots of tags (as always) and this post will be huge. As always. So, let’s examine and evaluate the perfect conclusion of the most important relationship in Attack on Titan. We will analyze why this is the best conclusion they could have gotten and of course we are going to talk about what their scenes meant for their relationship, their feelings for each other and the themes of the story.

First, let’s ask the question: What was the purpose of this chapter? Ending the fight obviously, but also giving closure to the relationship between Eren and Mikasa. Now, there were 3 questions that needed to be answered in order for the two of them to have closure. 

Why did Eren say to Mikasa that he hated her?

What does Eren feel for Mikasa?

What would have happened if Mikasa had given Eren a different answer back in chapter 123?

Isayama answered all 3 of them in a spectacular way. Let’s see how he did it. The chapter literally starts with Isayama, via Mikasa, setting up the closure. This was achieved by having her wonder if this really was the end for her and Eren. Could it be that their last interaction ever ended with him saying that he hated her? 

Isayama answers that with a big, fat NO.

That’s the purpose of Mikasa’s vision. Mikasa’s vision is not there to introduce us to Alternate Universes or to portray her as a delusional fangirl that can’t cope with reality. It’s purpose is to answer the above 3 questions. And that it does.

Essentially, Mikasa’s vision is a “What if” scenario. If Mikasa had chosen the ideal for her answer back in chapter 123, Eren would have abandoned everything and lived with her. This means that Eren is also in love with her.  He said that he hated Mikasa, because he wanted her to forget him. That’s why he also asked her to throw away the scarf.

Mikasa though, being the truest representation of all major, positive themes in the series says no. She chooses to remember him. That’s essentially the meaning of life. That’s what Armin taught to Zeke back in chapter 137. Memories of everyday life. That’s the meaning of life. Back in Trost, Mikasa said that she couldn’t die, because she wouldn’t be able to remember Eren. Even back then, Mikasa always knew the true meaning of life. 

Afterall, the series heavily criticizes the usage of memory manipulation. Deleting memories or altering them have been methods empoyed by the Royal Family for years, hiding the truth from the people. One of the themes of the Survey Corps is remembering their fallen comrades and carrying on the torch. Mikasa forgetting Eren would be an insult to the themes of the story. As would be if Eren was revealed to have been sending fake memories and dreams to Mikasa out of pity for her. 

Finally, Mikasa decides to kill Eren. Not because he hated her or because he didn’t have romantic feelings for her. Because she had to save the world and because that’s exactly what Eren wanted. Back in chapter 133 Reiner foreshadowed Eren’s desires. He explained that it is very hard for Eren, mentally, to handle the murder of the entire human race. Through Reiner, Isayama reveals that Eren wants someone to end it all for him. That someone was Mikasa. That’s why Mikasa knew where to find Eren. His relieved face when he saw her swinging the blade said it all. That was Eren’s design and Mikasa delivered.

And so, the chapter that starts with Mikasa thinking that the only closure she would get with Eren was the “I’ve always hated you”, ends with the first and the last kiss between the two of them that puts all of her worries to rest.

Is Mikasa delusional?

I’ve seen this being thrown around, so i have to also tackle said point. No, Mikasa is not delusional. This wasn’t a fantasy that only she experienced. This dream of hers is the same dream that Eren had back in chapter 1. Eren experienced the exact same things she did in the dream. We even see him with his titan marks. It is clear as day that they shared these moments.

Also, i have to give credits to Isayama here for his usage of “itterasshai”. The word generally means “Go and come back safely” and is usually said to people leaving the house. For Mikasa, Eren is her home, but she is also home for him, as shown in the RtS arc:

These were the perfect parting words for the two of them. Nothing else could encapsulate their relationship better. Eren of course, won’t come back, but that’s the irony of the word here.

Moving on to the next point, Mikasa’s characterization in this final arc is about her seeing Eren for the person he truly is and stop ignoring his faults. It starts from the Marley arc and it concludes with chapter 123 where she realizes that this was simply part of Eren’s nature.

He always had it in him to become the monster that he became. However, he always had a different side to him. A side that had been shown to her a few times. At first, when he wrapped the scarf around her and later when he asked her “What am i to you”. Finally, it manifested as a desire to live quietly with her in their shared dream. It would contradict her development and characterization in the final arc, to have Mikasa start seeing an incomplete Eren again, after realizing earlier who he really was. Mikasa understood who Eren truly is and she accepted him and continued to love him anyway, even though she didn’t agree with his genocide. 

It is not out of character for Eren to run away with her either. At least not in that instance. The series highlights the moment that he asked Mikasa “What am i to you” as a pivotal one. Sure, under normal circumstances, Eren would have chosen to fight, but we saw him breaking down just moments earlier. The only person that could have saved him was Mikasa. Alas, that wasn’t meant to happen.

In any instance, the biggest indicator that Mikasa is not just a delusional girl who kissed the decapitated head of the man she loved, when he never really loved her in the same way, is Ymir’s face at the end of the chapter.

Ymir, as i have mentioned in previous posts, is a girl who never knew real love during her lifetime. She didn’t understand what she was looking at, when she first say a couple kissing with their friends cheering them on. And after that she was sentenced to a cruel life, with a man who never loved her and only viewed her as a tool. This girl, remembers longinly that scene of the couple kissing for 2000 years. She was waiting for 2000 years to see real love again.

She witnessed that through Eren and Mikasa. In a scene that would have otherwise been painted in a negative light, Ymir’s warm smile at the sight of the final act of love between two people who never got to be together the way they wanted to, clears any and all doubts regarding Eren’s feelings for Mikasa and the latter’s sanity. Eren reciprocates Mikasa’s feelings and he was alive for enough time to kiss her back, before completely fading away. Eren and Mikasa replaced the married couple and Ymir replaced the crowd that was cheering at them from 2000 years ago.

Of course, one might ask, could Eren really kiss her? Didn’t she just take advantage of him? No, he did kiss her. The way the scene was directed, it shows us that the events, which take place in their dream, mirror the events in real life. Just look at Eren’s lips one moment before Mikasa kissed him and compare them to the picture above, where they kiss. They are different.

 Also, you have to remeber that decapitation doesn’t kill immediately and does not immobilize facial muscles. That was the entire reason that Eren and Zeke managed to get the Coordinate. Eren survived long enough from Gabi’s shot to make contact with Zeke. Even his facial expression changes as you can see below:

More importantly, was there really any chance that Ymir would look at Mikasa beheading and kissing Eren, while also smiling in approval, if Mikasa was a delusional girl who was unable to understand Eren’s feelings for her up to the very end? Most of all, do you think she would have allowed him to die, without experiencing real love? She died in such a way and she stayed for 2000 years in the Paths waiting for someone to show her real love. Eren was her benefactor. Would she ever allow him to die in such a way, when she was being mistreated (sexually and in many other ways) by King Fritz? I doubt it. Actually no. I don’t doubt it. I’m sure this is not the way we are meant to interprete the scene.

Eren’s relationship with Mikasa, from the very start, is an allegory for the world of AoT. The world is cruel, but is also very beautiful. Eren’s story with Mikasa starts with him murdering in cold blood her kidnappers (cruelty) and then warmly and gently welcoming her to his family by wrapping a scarf around her (beauty). Their story ends with Mikasa decapitating him (cruelty) and kissing him (beauty).

Eren’s tendency for violence has always been portrayed as going hand in hand with his better side. That side has always been represented by Mikasa. It is only fitting for them to have their most beautiful moment happening almost at the same time as their most cruel one. This is how Isayama juxtaposes this duality:

If we interprete this scene as Mikasa being delusional and Eren not being in love with her we get a very disturbing and creepy scene, between an obsessed, psychosis-suffering girl who can’t understand the feelings of Eren, a genocidal maniac who never had any chance or willingness to live a normal life, even though there are hints of that, and a 2000 year old ghost who just happily smiled at the decapitation and forceful kissing of her emancipator. I am pretty sure this is not the message Isayama wants to send. Not simply, because it is a disservice to Mikasa as a character and to her relationship with Eren, which has been one of the most prominent and consistent part of the series from the very first chapter, but because it is also a huge disrespect to Eren as a character as well. Does anyone really think that Isayama would choose to write Eren’s death like that? Not a single important person in the entire story has gotten such an exit. Not even Floch. Even Zeke, who thought that his father never loved him and only used him as a tool, got to see that his father truly did love him, before finally dying. Of course Eren and Mikasa would get the same treatment.

What i mean to say is that Eren and Mikasa’s closure won’t be recontextualized in a way that will paint their feelings for one another and their relationship in a negative light. If anyone’s expecting that, he/she will be disappointed. Eren and Mikasa were confirmed as a canonical couple in chapter 138.

On the other hand, if anyone’s expecting that this wasn’t their real closure and that they will get an even happier ending, he/she is also coping hard. Eren died here in this chapter. There won’t be a scarf rewrap (i’m here to eat my words if it happens), because Isayama gave the couple a kiss. A kiss that was in the makings ever since chapter 50 dropped. And of course, there is not going to be a baby born to Eren and Mikasa. Like, no way it’s happening. Eren is not coming back to life as that would turnish the series and it’s ending.

In conclusion, Eren’s relationship with Mikasa ended in the same way it started. Violently and Beautifully. Tragically and Happily. They acted on their romantic feelings for each other the very moment they had to part ways forever. This is how Isayama hurts us. The essence of a bittersweet conclusion.

EDIT: EATING MY WORDS AS PROMISED. EREN DID REWRAP MIKASA’S SCARF. HE KEPT HIS PROMISE.