#i also found another irony im forced to live through which yeah checks out i was due for more
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#ive discovered a new way to feel sad hip hip hooray#i also found another irony im forced to live through which yeah checks out i was due for more#i know therapy would fix a lot of this but i dont want to get better#at least not theres no point im not gonna get better even if i go through the motions#rn but also sometimes it feels like in general itll always be that way#phoebe really popped off with that bridge in funeral like#yeah bitch i am blue all the time#and it really is just how i feel most days#feels like i always have and every day come rain or shine it genuinely feels like i always will#its not fair i cant logic my way out of the internalized fatphobia#because no matter how much i know that being fat is not undesirable or ugly or like even if it actually was it doesnt indicate worth#i just circle back to annecdotal evidence and like look at it through the objective paradigm of the world we live in#which unfortunately does root a lot of desirability and self worth in appearance and like#i hate that i think this way and i hate that to me i consider it factual objective knowledge#but i hate that im living in a world where its alright if youre ‘ugly’ as long as youre not fat#because i can feel pretty and still know the objective truth that it means nothing nothing has changed and nothing will change cause any#external validation i might want wont ever come as long as i look the way i do#and the worst part is i know im aware i get that this is a distorted worldview and if i couldnt recognize my face or body as my own i would#not be as harsh w the criticism in fact ive seen ppl w parts like mine and found beauty and even desirability in them BECAUSE of those parts#i hate in myself#but im not the one who can give myself external validation so me finding fat ppl and ppl w scars and discoloration sexy means actual jack sh#and then when i wake up from the depressive cloud and enter a girlboss lite adjacent moment in which#i tell myself i dont need to ever fall in love or be loved and romance is overrated and overcommercialized anyway#well it doesnt do shit cause even if at the end of the day the only person i have to seek approval of is myself#well i fucking hate myself any redeeming quality ppl could point to is carefully exhibited and curated#for the purposes of servitude and like a function of finding value in how effective of a friend i can be#not a good friend no im talking about maximizing necessity because thats all ive put investment into in terms of growing a personality#so i cant just throw away the whole external aspect of my desire for validation cause my entire personality soul whatever has been created#with the sole intention of making ppl need me or at least filling an irreplaceable spot in their life so they cant drop me cause whos gonna#be the cool girl like me
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