#i also feel like its worth clarifying: i'm not upset!

[silverskye13]

Queso, after thinking about it for awhile.

To the anon who keeps leaving somewhat ominous, somewhat personal, poetry-themed asks in my inbox: Please Stop.

It seems like you mean well, and are mostly just going for dramatics, but I’m someone who suffers a lot from anxiety and paranoia. These messages caught me in a good mood, so mostly they just made me nervous, but I can tell you with confidence if they’d come a month ago, it would have affected me pretty negatively. I’m not telling you this to shame you, or make you feel bad. I’m telling you this for full transparency. If you still want to talk, but you’re scared to message under a username [or just don’t have a tumblr] that’s perfectly fine! I don’t mind. But understand I don’t know your intentions, so the vagaries and references to knowing me and things, they come off a lot more bad-faith than I think you want them to.

If I could offer a suggestion! Talk in your normal voice, or at the very least an informal one, and maybe tag yourself with a nickname so you’re more recognizable, like [poetry anon]. That way we can actually form a rapport.

Also, if you’re going to keep sending asks, please use the correct pronouns! I’ve been using they/them exclusively for almost 5 years now.

Thank you for understanding ^_^

[jess-the-vampire]

IMPORTANT!!!!

so i didn't wanna make this post, I wanted to have this situation handled in private and move on, but it's gotten to a point where i don't feel like i have any choice but to put it out there into the public.

Because I don't think I'm going to get any results otherwise despite my attempts.

So I got robbed a few months ago, guy stole my bags with all my valuables in them, it really sucked and I'm still waiting for any updates on this situation.

In the meantime I had to attempt to replace my items that were stolen, so one of the items I did so was a keychain I was pretty attached to that happened to be on one of the stolen bags.

It was a preorder and it was hard to be sure they were still available given the artist did one last batch awhile ago.

The website I ordered from :

So I emailed the artist to make sure they were still in stock, even offered to pay extra for it to be manufactured if they weren't, i was told they were and it'd be sent out to me extremely soon. The artist was sympathetic to what happened to me.

So I wait a few weeks, up to a month, and it never came.

I emailed the artist again, telling them the package I paid for never arrived, they apologized and promised to send a replacement after I clarified my address just to make sure.

This package also never came.

The artist completely stopped responding to my emails after that.

I had told them ill update them if the packages arrived late, because the mail service can be slow, but they never did and despite telling them monthly nothing has arrived they didn't say a word to me or try to help.

This started back in JUNE-JULY, its been about 6 months since.

I even attempted again to order a package of three, in October, still hasn't arrived.

You might be asking if I have a tracking number for my packages, I don't, I never got a single one.

I even emailed the artist asking for some, no response.

I tried dming the artist and got no response, I genuinely don't know if they are just not checking their dms or just ignoring me in particular because they are active online to a degree.

I tried a PayPal report at one point and got some of my money back, but only for the first package. Because the other was on my card.

So that's more then 50 $ I haven't yet gotten my money's worth of nor got refunded to me.

I dont want to assume the worst of the artist, I just don't understand what's going on and I'm just frustrated, because the situation I went through was bad enough without this on top of it.

My friends were concerned about me being scammed, one package being missing can be waved off, three packages can not.

Best case scenario, this is all explained just to have been some mismanagement on the artist's part.

I want to hope that's the case, but right now I haven't gotten a single package, all my money back, or a single response in months.

At this point I don't even have evidence the packages were sent out at all without a tracking number.

I don't want harassment aimed towards the artist, I'm just hoping talking about what happened publicly either moves something forward on their part to getting what i paid for or preventing other potential customers from ending up enduring the same situation .

Because as of now, this is pretty upsetting and frustrating.

[voidbeau]

I've been thinking about this a lot and have ranted to a friend to varying degrees about it every once in a while since early this year.

On one hand, I don't want to sound ungrateful when I talk about this, but...

I feel like being in a fandom has ruined me.

Or to put it better, I've let it ruin me.

And to clarify, I don't blame individuals of a fandom.

Nor do I really blame the idea of fandom itself the more I think about it.

It is most definitely a me thing, but being in a fandon has definitely helped to shed some light on some upsetting things about my brain.

Being in an environment where you get to share ideas and art about your favorite media- Something that's supposed to be for fun and to find community with others who share your interest!

For me, it's been a huge motivator for getting back into my art- which I believe I've mentioned before.

Up until the twomp Fandom, I've had lots of difficulties staying inspired and motivated to keep doing art regardless of how much I wanted to do it.

So finding a reason to do it again has been great!

I've been able to make pretty good improvements in my art abilities which is really nice!

But on the other end of things, I've lost the ability to just appreciate things the way I could if I was just an outsider looking in?

And I hate it because for whatever reason, my anxiety looks at fandom art as competition rather than something a fellow [insert interest] enjoyer put out for me to enjoy along with the rest of fandom.

I hate that mindset so much.

I don't want fandom to be a competition.

I don't think fandom should be a competition.

Inspiration to improve is one thing, but there's something very wrong if you're feeling a sense of threat in some way??? Like hello??? Are you okay???

It's ridiculous!

But anxiety likes to tell me I need to constantly be creating and making sure it's "original" or "unique" or else my value as a "creator" is worth nothing.

Which, again, is also ridiculous, because I'm not out here trying to "become something", I just want to have fun sharing my dumbass AUs and headcannons cause I want to have fun with the characters and the world I fell in love with!

But it doesn't stop the rancid pattern of thinking.

No matter how many breaks I take, I can come back feeling refreshed but the grasping hands of anxiety and shaky self worth tell me I need to constantly be working to maintain a semblance of value.

I need to work to "keep my place".

And that's dumb.

A fandom is a little neighborhood where everyone has their own little house and their own little garden tucked safely behind their own little white picket fence.

We're not being lined up and graded like slabs of beef.

I'm so tired man. I just want to have fun, but as time goes on I feel like the only solution to this issue is to leave the Fandom environment entirely.

Like No Face from Spirited Away.

But if I lose the "pressure" of needing to create art than I'm scared i'll fall back into not being able to create at all again.

I dont want to lose what I feel like I only just got back.

🫠

It feels super embarrassing to be struggling with these kinds of thoughts personally.

Cause it's like, "bro, who tf you think you are???"

There's so much of it that feels self centered, like it's all about me.

I need to be the best, I need to have coolest art and the best ideas!!!

I don't think that at all, granted. But it feels that way sometimes.

I don't like the idea of comparing myself to others. I don't think anyone should be doing that.

Comparison is the joy killer!!!

I much prefer the variety that a fandom brings to the table.

Each individual with an individual take on a world and its characters.

Everyone is so creative it's really Cool!!

I think it's fun to read and to see people bring that to life!

But I can't fully enjoy it like I want to cause the thoughts always be like,

"Why can't you be like that, huh?

You could be doing something with your time right now, you could be working in that idea you were thinking of.

You could be finishing that drawing you started.

What about that other thing you said you were going to do, huh?"

And if I get working on something, it's still not good enough,

"No! Not like that! Your art style is DISGUSTING. Throw that one away!

No No, any readers who stumble on this will never enjoy this. It's awkward and stilted.

Take it again or leave it!"

Like bro please, give a bug a break. I'm trying. 😰

[myfictionaldreams]

hi! i’m that asshole anon :/

at the time i really was just very upset about the fics! theres so many people who don't care to grow and change, or dont care if it “glamourizes” that behavior. it was for sure a knee jerk reaction. i definitely should have chosen my words better and could've for sure been kinder. I do want to say that while the dynamics weren't good your writing is FANTASTIC!!! ive seen you on ao3 and your work is sincerely really good.

i'm sorry that my (rude) message made you feel bad, i think you are an amazing writer and I appreciate you coming back with a nicer response than I would've. I really do feel bad.

your smut is done really well, and i’m hiding behind the anon wall because at first it was just bc i have a *tiny* following. but now its because i’m so very ashamed at my behavior. i do agree that that was shitty and I don’t deserve any kindness or good will.

i can see that you’re a growing writer and I do understand how much those kind of comments can be. again you are a good writer. i think maybe reading those felt like such a shock and I should’ve handled it better, maybe come to you in private with respect and after cooling down. i only wrote that to you because I wasn’t seeing disclaimers for the ones that i was talking about (on ao3)

i sincerely apologize, I hope that I didn’t make you feel bad or discourage you in any way. I was far too harsh and I understand that we are all human and none of us are perfect. I wanted to explain my feelings, but not excuse my actions. i wish i had a time machine. and i appreciate you as a writer, and when the time comes I hope you can forgive me <3

Hi! firstly sorry for taking a few days to respond my personal life has been very hectic & also needed to think about what/how to say my response.

Right, firstly i really really appreciate you returning and apologising and understanding that way that you worded the message was wrong etc and it’s clear from this message you do feel bad and understand that it was wrong so I do want to thank you for that.

However, I really do want to emphasis how difficult these negative/hateful messages make writers feel. This message or any other hate messages I will always remember, particularly when its feedback for things that aren’t intentinal (such as the bdsm dynamic you referred too). Sometimes writing doesn’t always come across how I wanted to in my mind and doesnt mean that it is written with malicious intent. Furthermore, there are ALWAYS warnings on my writing that I do feel like people just half read and don’t fully take into account. Yes, I could have labelled it further to specify that the reader enjoyed to be punished therefore there was pre-agreed consent but as I said, it was one of my very first fanfics so had a lot to learn still.

Again, I really do appreciate your response because every time I reply to a hateful anon, they never come back and I feel like it wasn’t worth the response in the first place so I’m very happy that you’ve actually read my explanation etc and giving me another chance.

Just for future though, for you or ANYONE going to send a message, always do it with kindness and education in mind. It’s hard to see that you have mentioned that you have enjoyed my other work so you know my writing style and still felt that one fic was glamourising something so negative you felt the need to send me a hurtful and patronising message instead of taking a moment to think ‘oh i like the other fics, this one is a bit different maybe i should message just to clarify’ - instead of what was sent in the first place and just assuming that I’m willing to write abusive fics.

But anyway, all is forgiven because I really hate negativity, I hope you are also doing ok, I do believe you are sorry and regret sending the message so everything is absolutely fine, lessons are learnt on both end of this interaction. Sending peace and love ღღ

[rainbowmechanism]

There's actually kind of a backstory to people not going for the simple "paul is trans" answer, actually. Sort of. Maybe just me honestly. Sorry in advance for springboarding off of a short throwaway post like this, but I think this is an interesting event to talk about, so:

All the relevant tweets are deleted now, but around mid-November 2019, Petscop creator Tony "pressedyes" retweeted a comic from his friend's comic/collage account "longpig2" that was about being transgender. People then began making posts about how this potentially confirms the "paul is transgender" theory, such as this post. (Not to single out this user, they're just a good example since they include a screenshot of the longpig2 tweet for context and that account is also just gone now.)

This led Tony to make a follow up tweet clarifying explicitly that Petscop is not about being trans, and he was just retweeting art from his friend unrelated to Petscop, though he really appreciated that people could see themselves and their experiences in his work like that. Some fans did not take this very well, and I think eventually Tony realized this and deleted the tweet. I think his intention was to stop people from asserting that any particular theory was the only "real" explanation, and keep speculation and different interpretations alive, but ended up making people who interpreted Paul as trans upset in trying to do so. I don't think he needed to delete that tweet, but I understand why he did.

I also don't think this means nobody can interpret Petscop this way, and Tony literally said himself he liked the interpretation. Personally, I like to think Paul is transgender regardless if that explains the story, because I'm transgender and I like when characters are transgender. But the intended "canon" answer for why the events in Petscop happen as they do, if you're looking for it, is actually not "paul is transgender". And usually theories like these are trying to understand what the creator was trying to get across exactly, so I figure it's worth pointing out if you care about zeroing down Tony's intended answer.

I don't think many people have seen the tweet I'm talking about (definitely less than I thought had before I realized he deleted it) but it's part of why i personally think Petscop's 'reasoning' is closer to a 'convoluted' answer like alternative universes colliding or whatever than an easy, simple answer. Petscop is a complicated and personal work, and I really enjoy hearing peoples various and often similarly personal interpretations of the work, even if its hard to string even little details together without spiraling on and on forever.

Anyway. I don't really have a point beyond that I think complex theories are fun and not necessarily worse than a simple answer. I think fan interpretations of a work can be and usually are just as valid as the creator's intentions, and Tony himself feels even more strongly than me about that, judging by these tweets (which are still up and probably represent his feelings better). I think it's good to acknowledge and dig deeper into both perspectives.

[ Image description: Two tweets by Tony @ pressedyes, posted Jan 30, 2020. Tweets read: "I think viewers understand Petscop more than I do. Because when I see it, I think about my intentions, and all this implicit stuff. And other people see what's actually there. To me that perspective seems more valid. And I can never really see that myself, which is weird." "This goes through my mind when I read viewers' comments. It's like, I don't even really have access to the Petscop they're talking about. So I take that stuff to heart, including the negative stuff, because you all know more than I do about what I've *actually* put out there." end ID. ]

very funny to me how one of the simpler explanations for paul and care in petscop is that paul is transgender, but people will make up really funky complex explanations instead of that

[colourful-void]

Supporting Satoshi - an examination and comparison of JN36 and XY121

Part One: Snowballs do not cure depression but it was worth a shot

You know that episode of Pokemon where a gym leader beats Satoshi in a battle so hard that one of his pokemon gets mildly hurt (though there's no long term effects) and because of it he becomes depressed, closing himself off from his friends before someone comes along to pull him out of that mental state, and also severe weather phenomena is involved and a reflection of a persons mental state? Or rather, the two episodes?

So when I was watching Journeys, I noticed an episode that had a similar-- but distinctly different-- plot to an xy episode I had seen before. And what was particularly interesting was that while I couldn't stand the xy episode, the journeys episode was one of my favourites. I won't drag this out for you guys, I love the journeys episode and re watch it a LOT and the xy episode sort of just leaves me with a sour taste in my mouth. and don't go claiming its solely ship bias, because i saw the xy episode first and disliked it then.

This will analyze both of these episodes, comparing them against each other. Specifically within the context of how Goh and Serena both help Satoshi through a similar situation There will be some discussion of AmourShipping and Satogou in this analysis. I'm going to be a bit negative regarding Serena's actions and the potential "romantic" weight of them here, but I want to be clear that I Do Not dislike Serena as a character. Personally, I wish the writers had given her more room to grow outside of her romantic interests, but I do not hate Serena as a character. I do, however, disagree with her actions in this episode. Please don't take this out of context and dont be ship fighting in the comments, it's boring. This is a comparison of These Two Episodes, not of Goh and Serena and their respective ships as a whole.

This part mainly focuses on the xy episode and the second will focus mainly on the journeys. It's only divided into parts because of the tumblr post limit.

(If you like the xy episode or hate the journeys episode, awesome! having your own opinions is great. these are mine though, so i hope you'll listen to them)

With that out of the way, let's start. And I'm going to use mostly japanese names here because I'm taking screencaps from the subbed japanese copies.

The set up for each of these episodes is eerily similar as pointed out in the gag at the start.

Xy has a bit more set up before the episode in question though, with the initial loss and retreat into the forest by Satoshi taking place the episode before. The episode opens up proper with Satoshi taking time to breathe to himself, alone in the forest.

Emphasis is placed on him taking a deep breath, aided by the visuals showing them (thanks cold air) and the silence of the rest of the soundscape, with the only other sounds being the wind and some bird pokemon, plus some falling snow.

Journeys Satoshi starts off in a better mental state than Xy, with the episode starting off with him jogging along with his pokemon.

However, we can still see that he's been affected by the last battle he lost, against Saitou, as he's putting a lot of effort into training and doing better.

Which, doesn't go well for him, as he loses his next two battles as well, and drops in the World Championship ranking as a result

And he's pretty upset about it too. Same thing as over in xy. In both cases, a respective friend/love interest notes that Satoshi is upset and expresses concern.

He's got support from his friends in both situations! But that support comes across in very different ways.

But, to understand how that support manages to affect Satoshi, we need to understand the problem at play.

Now, I wanna make something clear here. Satoshi's problem is not that he is a sore loser. I'm not arguing that's not a contributing factor, or that he's not upset about the loss (particularly in the world championships), He's still bitter about the lost part, but the root of the problem is not losing, he's been shown to be fine with losing (if not a bit more motivated to win now) in prior episodes.

Satoshi's problem is that his pokemon are getting hurt. Satoshi's problem is that his pokemon are getting hurt, because they're losing battles. Satoshi's problem is that his pokemon are losing battles because he's not training them well enough. And to clarify, that's not my viewpoint, it's his. Satoshi's problem is that he's not good enough for himself, and he feels that that's something he has to fix on his own.

So how do we help him?

Our weather event in question is introduced in separate points in the episodes, but I'll cover them both now.

In xy, it's this snowstorm, which conveniently becomes a problem directly after Serena returns to the Pokemon Centre.

In journeys, it's a sandstorm! That's in near direct contrast to a snowstorm! Incredible.

Heading back to xy Satoshi, things aren't going great in the forest. Luckily, Serena's run off to find him.

I think it's of note here that Serena runs off with the best intentions, she wants to help Satoshi, plain and simple. It just sort of goes wrong along the way.

It's worth noting that Xy Satoshi tries to bring himself out of being sad by the tried and true method of "stop being sad"

Despite telling himself this, he doesn't get anywhere. Which makes sense, because it's not getting the the root of the problem. It's not even addressing it at all. He's just trying to 'be better', which isn't even a battle strategy. However, it is something I can see him saying, so this isn't a critique of Satoshi's thought process, but me pointing out that this isn't really effective. Which is supported by the narrative, because again, he doesn't get anywhere, he doesn't even move.

I can't show it in screencaps but the lights in Satoshi's eyes are shaking here, something that they consistently do throughout the series when he's feeling a particularly strong emotion. Keep that in mind. It couples well with another trait of his, and that's his hat!

And by that I mean how he hides his eyes with the brim of it when upset, something he does exactly as Serena shows up and calls out to him. Now, he's not upset that Serena is here. He's upset about the pokemon stuff still. He's trying to hide the fact that he's upset from Serena.

Serena starts off with her speech well, trying to appeal to Satoshi to let her in and talk things out. And maybe it's because he wasn't ready for it yet, or because of the way she phrases it (a lot of 'i' and 'me' language which can be helpful but can also come across as though she's making it about her. not her intent i don't think, but a possible interpretation.), it's not her fault for how Satoshi reacts regardless.

But how Satoshi reacts is not good.

Now it's really interesting to note that before this, Serena was standing while Satoshi was sitting, putting her above him in terms of active power, when it comes to how the shot is presented, but when Satoshi stands up, the camera tilts with the movement so that they're on equal level. Neat!

And Serena yells in return, scolding Satoshi for not talking about it. Not the best move, since pushing someone to talk about something that's upsetting them isn't really productive, but she's trying here and she's frustrated.

Satoshi continues to withdraw and self isolate, claiming it is his problem and that he wants to be left be. Now, this is the mindset of a clearly upset person and isolation may not be the best option, but he did make the explicit request to be left alone here.

He's clearly upset as he turns away from Serena's eye and slumps over a little.

And then Serena throws a snowball at him.

Angry as he is, you can see Satoshi's expression change when he sees Serena's reaction.

Serena tells Satoshi that she's not like the Satoshi she knows, who is always full of energy and positive and a leader, and a bunch of other positive traits. The problem here, is that Serena's looking at an idealized version of Satoshi. And while the intent here was probably meant to be something more like "you have so many wonderful traits about you I know you can do this", coupled with the snowballs and the phrasing, it seems as though Serena is scolding Satoshi for being sad.

Or rather, being angry with him for not living up to her idealized version of him, and not wanting him to express any negitave emotions.

Which is sort of a really bad mindset.

The snowballs continue, never once does Satoshi fight back. In fact, he stops arguing entirely after the first one. Serena knocks him off his feet and tells him he's not being himself, before running off. (In the english dub, Serena claims that Satoshi isn't being "the real satoshi" and then demands that the real Satoshi be "given back", so it could be worse)

Satoshi decides to literally run his problems away, because it will help him reach some kind of conclusion, and immediately trips and falls down a large hill. No, I'm not making that up. Something like this just isn't like him. He's just gotta stop being sad!

Now personally, I really disagree with the idea that "being upset" isn't "like a person". That's because based off of my own experiences, I know it can be really damaging to hold the mindset that any negative emotions you feel aren't a part of you and that you shouldn't be upset because you're usually a positive and happy person. Not the case with every person, but I personally really have a problem with shows telling children that they just shouldn't be upset instead of processing their emotions in a meaningful way. (The journeys episode doesn't do an outstanding job of it either, but this is a bit of a tangent anyway. A show that does do this right is "OK KO! Let's be Heroes" which actually deals with this problem in greater depth and does a fantastic job of it.)

But the snowball scene ends here. Now I'll get back to Journeys in a moment, but since Serena has finished her part of the comparison for the most part, I'm going to summarize a bit more of the xy episode.

Satoshi decides to literally run his problems away, because it will help him reach some kind of conclusion, and immediately trips and falls down a large hill. No, I'm not making that up.

The snowstorm kicks in, Serena get back annoyed, then similarly groans and yells, and the whole xy gang + pokemon go running off in search of Satoshi. Pikachu appears the most concerned.

Now Serena tells the others she lost her cool and said something horrible to Satoshi, but explains its because Satoshi is someone she admires. Cool motive, I get it, still kinda bad.

and in the end, it's not Serena's words that get he message across to Satoshi. The solution to this problem was Satoshi finding a way to reaffirm his abilities and instinct.

In the xy episode, he helps some pokemon out of the tree, and when his very cool frog friend shows up, they're able to work together with their bond to save this one from falling off a cliff.

Here's the point. Satoshi learns by doing, by actions. He needs to see first hand that there are ways of getting past his problems, and that it's worth having the courage to keep going. The lesson is about valuing pokemon as equals and partners, and specifically that trying to be better as the trainer alone isn't going to help.

This is essentially where this plot line ends, team rocket is there for a bit as well but as much as i love them they're not relevant here, and some fun stuff with the league, love it not important right now its like 3am and I'm not sleeping until this is finished so we gotta keep things moving.

This was no doubt Serena's intent to get a similar point, but she goes about it the wrong way. She tries to convey this with words, as conversation and motivational words have helped her in the past (Elle's words of praise stick with her, Satoshi's words from when they were kids, etc). It's a good idea, but their different ways of learning and growing from a similar situation are incompatible, and that's why things don't work out in Serena's favour. There's also still the problem of "pulling yourself together" not being helpful in this case.

There's also a very similar line in this scene to the one at the end of the journeys episode, as Satoshi says to his frog that they should start over from scratch. It's essentially the same phrase with different wording. It's great. The Storm ends as he realizes this as well! Wonderful in terms of pathetic fallacy.

The gang all reunites, its nice. Satoshi thanks Serena for what she said after apologizing to everyone, which contradicts what he said earlier but I've already established that I dislike this message here so I won't go over it too much. I guess he's right in a literal sense in that in response to her words he went and ran until he tripped off a cliff but the emotional growth here was because of his own actions (and the frogs), not Serena's. Sorry Serena, you'll get em next time.

This is essentially where this plot line ends, team rocket is there for a bit as well but as much as i love them they're not relevant here, and some fun stuff with the league, love it not important right now its like 3am as I write this so we gotta keep things moving.

So. What about Goh?

Well...

(Part Two here on account of image limit!!)

[beth-march]

i'm glad you're feeling better! i just wanted to clarify that when i pointed out you're young it wasn't to make you feel like you weren't handling things the right way or that speaking your mind wasn't the right thing to do, you seem youthful in the way you try to act accordingly and as right as possible, too earnest to not bother anyone, like you're very anxious at the mere idea of messing up, which makes it even more embarrassing for older people in fandom to start shit with you, like wtf, nothing wrong with consuming media or fiction, but at some point, and the older you get, the more mindful of younger people you ought to be, acting any other way is utterly embarrassing. i won't tell you to stop being considerate or mindful with what you think or say, in fandom or in general, your very writing has that warmth about it that characterizes you, but when it comes to people in fandom? its not worth it to take every mean thing at heart, it really isn't. i insist, you don't deserve to feel bad when all you do is share and share and share for this fandom.

No, I completely understood where you were coming from! I know that you weren't trying to make me feel bad.

You've really clocked me very well despite not knowing me. I am very anxious about the idea of messing up and I am overly earnest about not bothering people, trying to do the right thing. But I think you're right that it isn't worth it, getting upset over people in fandom. I'm not feeling as guilty as I did before, thank you for helping me to feel better.

I'm touched by you saying that my writing has my characterising warmth in it, that's very kind of you to say. I'm also just really touched by your kindness, and acknowledging that I have shared so much and done so much, and saying that I don't deserve to feel bad. Thank you, really, so much!

[chthonic-cassandra]

Recent books, fiction -

- C. M. Waggoner, Unnatural Magic - debut fantasy novel with two parallel narrative threads: a young woman with savant-like academic magic capabilities finding a way for her talents to be recognized, and a love story between a half-troll woman and a human man. This was pleasant enough to read, with pleasing descriptions of magic and some interesting representations of sexuality, but ultimately didn't meaningfully hold my interest. The tone seems to be trying for fantasy of manners a la Sorcerer to the Crown (which, to be fair, I also didn't love), but the world-building never came into focus for me, and the narrative stakes don't land.

The two plotlines are drawn together by a murder mystery, which I think was a bad choice - the mystery element and its ultimate reveal felt unconvincing, and the balance between the mystery and character development didn't work for me. I largely dislike the trend of SFF books written as murder mysteries - it occasionally works, but often feels tacked on and predictable. It felt so here.

- Torrey Peters, Detransition, Baby - sharply observed novel set in contemporary Brooklyn about motherhood and transfeminine culture. Ames, who has detransitioned after several years living as a trans woman, unexpectedly conceives a child with his boss, Katrina, and invites his ex, Reese, a trans woman who has long wished to be a mother, to raise the child with them. I enjoyed this a lot, and it gave me a lot to think about in its unsentimental gaze on the gap between fantasies (of love, motherhood, embodiment) and realities. Peters is particularly sharp and unflinching in her writing about sex and the different psychological uses to which it can be put, which I appreciated but which made the book at times difficult to read.

There are things with which I was left dissatisfied, most particularly the book's treatment of race, which mostly consisted of Katrina, the only significant character who isn't white (perhaps the only named one? I feel like that can't be right, but I kept assuming various characters weren't white and then being proven wrong) intermittently chiding the other characters for not taking race into account, and then the other characters qualifying their statements about their transfeminine community by clarifying that they were speaking only about white trans women, not trans women of color. In a book which is otherwise so concerned with complexity and embodiment, this left race as a very intellectualized concept, not integrated into the fullness of the characters' experiences, and I was uncomfortable at what felt like a distancing idealization of trans women of color which did not allow for them to be written as full people (or even as characters at all!). But, overall, I'm glad to have read it.

- Kiran Millwood Hargrave, The Mercies - historical fiction novel set in 17th century Norway. After a shocking storm kills all the men in a small island community, a witch hunter is sent to live among them and investigate the incident, and his young and naive wife falls in love with one of the women of the community. I didn't look very close at this book's summary before adding it to my to-read list, and if I had known how integral witch hunting was going to be to the plot, I might not have read it - I find these kinds of stories very upsetting, and only want to read them if they really are going to be worth my emotional investment.

This wasn't, quite. It was fine, and at times quite touching, but it unfolded very predictably, and the central romance didn't have enough passion or intensity to feel worth the utter bleakness of the narrative. I am willing to read/watch some of these depressing stories about queer people in earlier eras who cannot be together because of societal prejudice, but the narrative has to make it worth the hurt. This didn't for me.

- Jo Graham, Black Ships (reread) and Hand of Isis - Jo Graham's Numinous World series is a set of historical novels in different eras, linked by the fact that the central characters in each are reincarnations of one another, a fact of which, depending on their cultural context, they have greater or lesser understanding. I really like this premise, I remember being very excited about the series when it first came out (in 2008-ish); I read the first one, Black Ships, which is a retelling of the Aeneid, and then the second, Stealing Fire, about Ptolemy I, but then never finished the series. I just reread Black Ships, and read for the first time the third book, Hand of Isis, which is about Charmian, handmaiden to Cleopatra VII.

I have mixed feelings about these two books, and about the series in general. There's something in them that is reflective of mid-2000's fandom community in a way that feels good and comforting to me - the easy space given to polyamory and queerness, the texture of the sex positivity. There's this thread in Hand of Isis about Charmian being someone who by her nature wants to have a lot of different sexual relationships, but not ever get married or quite commit to a single primary partner, and that's validated in the novel in a way that I feel like I don't see so much anymore, either in fandom or in published fiction.

There are also weaknesses to the narrative structures, and places where the representation of spirituality, which overall felt nuanced and embodied, veers into MZB-esque mawkish essentialism. I think a lot of readers would dislike the reincarnation conceit, but I find it quite touching, particularly in Hand of Isis, which I found to be a stronger book in several ways than Black Ships. Both books are a little bit cagey about sexual violence, which happens to many of the women surrounding the heroines (including both of their mothers) in culturally normalized spear-bride/concubine ways, but from which the heroines are consistently spared. I have to think about that element more. Hand of Isis also has some crazy Cleopatra VII-adjacent theories and a definite anti-Antony agenda (her loss against Octavian was because Antony failed to fulfill his appropriate archetypal role as an avatar of Dionysus and sacrifice himself in battle when he had the chance??) but I can accept all that weirdness within the limitations of Charmian's point of view as a narrator.

- Leigh Bardugo, Ninth House - Alex, a young woman who can see ghosts, is offered a scholarship to Yale in exchange for using her abilities on behalf of an occult secret society at the university run by the wealthy and powerful. I had mixed feelings about this one - it definitely absorbed me, and I very much liked Alex as a protagonist; the representation of the traumatic impact of her abilities was moving, persuasive, and made me feel a great deal of empathy for her. But the novel gets a little caught up in its own conceits, and some of the plot twists felt quite shallow and predictable where they needed not to be. The secondary protagonist never came into focus or landed for me as a character. It is also another fantasy novel masquerading as a murder mystery (or is it the other way around?), though it works better generically here. I wish it had been more unapologetically a horror novel.

[mycandylovefanatics]

Hi! I'm the one who asked for a reaction about Nath, Armin and Kentin with a cute-aggressive Candy. What i meant by that is a Candy which is friendly, cute and calm must of the time, but in determined situations is aggressive, salty and probably hotheaded. I hope it helps you! (I'm sorry if i didn't explain myself well T-T)

(It's okay! I just didn't want to write something that was completely different as to what you were asking for! Thanks for clarifying!)Nath looooves a cute, calm girl. He likes someone chill, because you remind him that it's okay to just calm down sometimes! He also thibks it's adorable how nice you are to others and how you don't let minor inconveniences ruin your entire mood. Someone like this is good for Nathaniel. But, it's when Amber starts screwing around again that he sees an entirely different side to you. You're yelling, your face is red and you have your hands clenched into fists. Amber is actually backing down, something he's never seen before. He stands there in shock for a moment before finally stepping in when it looks like you're about to hit someone. "Hey, hey, hey! C-calm down Candy! Amber, go away!"The way you're still absolutely fuming afterwards is almost terrifying to him. He forces you to sit down and talk to him, but then you start yelling again about how she pissed you off and hes like okay yeah no more talking just breath babe. Depending on how often you get like this, he may or may not be bothered by it. As long as you know when to chill out and when its not worth getting pissed off over, he's fine with it.Armin loves his calm cutie. People aren't even sure how you work out as a couple half the time. He likes that you're calm though because he's quick to be annoyed at something and you're there to remind him like uhhh hey it's not a big deal! It's when you're playing some game online with other people that this side of you comes out. You're shooting at another player who SOMEHOW misses all of your shots even though you're sure you got a headshot in. And then that player ends up killing you. He swears the scream that comes through his headset is something ungodly. It probably shocks him enough to get himself killed in game and he just sits there like ....babe? He hears all the noises, probably you throwing stuff. And then he's just like yeah I'm logging off now guys. He finds it hilarious as hell though because who woulda thought his sweet, adorable girlfriend had such game rage!He calls you on video chat and you answer, immediately going off about how totaly unfair that was. He's laughing his ass off with makes you even more upset. I dont think Armin would mind as long as it isnt directed towards him, because he can be pretty hotheaded himself.Kentin of course loves this friendly cute personality of yours. Thats one of the first things he liked about you when you first met. He loves how you're never mean to anyone and how you just go with the flow of everything. When Kentin sees this side of you its probably in response to him being a complete dumbass when Evan comes around. You're rightfully pissed and you let him KNOW. He's fully prepared to argue with you since he can be quite hot headed and salty himself. But when you come at him, screaming your entire head off, getting in his face and every thing, he kind of just stands there for a moment like wait wut. Who is this girl? He had never seen this side to you before and It's honestly scary. He doesn't immediately come back to reality of course cause he's going to be pissed for a while. But after a few days he starts to feel soooo freaking bad that he made you that upset. He never wants to have the directed at him ever again so he drags his ass over to apologize. He does not enjoy being yelled at by you lmao.

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

Y'all in the village that have seen me recently

I apologize, y'all will just have to bless this sweet darling heart

My eyes have become super sensitive to the sun and I have to wear sunglasses (i got $250 worth of contacts with my stimulus check -- 12 boxes including one free sample due to the brand i purchased being discontinued suddenly and my prescription being out of stock - contact lens.com, i highly recommend. I did send inal a photo of my valid prescription) Usually I'm extremely picky and don't buy the lightly tinted lenses. But Wal-Mart had them on sale and usually that's all they sell. Usually i get mine from eBay and spend hours if not days searching for them cute and dark, zooming in the photos to see how the tint is reflected, refracted and if i can see through it. Usually sunglasses are very honestly shown for some reason.

Anyway so these are so thin I forget I am wearing them!

So, I'm all parading in Wal-Mart in purple sunglasses and all in the drive thru like an I don't care diva!

I don't know the origin, yet. Or where it came from... If it was just an agreed upon practice by international law or if it's just me. Idk.

But i think its rude to hide your eyes when speaking to someone. Like its not something conscious. I didn't sit around deciding it was a pet peeve or some law, but when i was a waitress tossing pizzas out the drive through pick up line or just a casual shopper -- people in sunglasses and not lifting them or removing them always bugged at me and irked me suspicious.

So I've been all parading around completely unaware because I've had to wear regular prescription clear lenses for so long that I'm used to the weight of glasses, especially in public because that's the only time I wore them. They just became part of me

And the tint is just see through light -- like the same color of my regular daytime light in my bedroom that every one says is dark. And a light bulb does illuminate. I'm very vampire dungeon darkness.

So I just wanted to apologize that i been all looking like Miss Princess don't care.

I always refused to buy light lenses because i thought they didn't work or weren't worth it. The sun here is so strong. But they do definitely help and are so comfortable i don't know they're in place.

So I care but my eyes hurt a lot. And the contacts kind of made it worse. Like when I take my non insulin diabetic shot, after 10 to 20 minutes I can feel it go into the back of my eyeballs and it feels so good!!

Its not a super pain or uncomfortable and its more when I don't sleep or am upset. I guess my pupils dilate weird

Which my eye doctor before the last, I was on Percocet and well the same 13 prescriptions as well as a few more for pain and so on. And he told me to be cautious as my pupils don't dilate proper due to "being so heavily drugged"

So who knows. I just try to avoid light.

And these sunglasses help and I don't know I'm wearing them. So I'm not hiding behind a mask and cute tinted sun glasses. I'm just protecting my eyes and preventing pain.

Like i say. The pain is from the brain to indicate a problem. So there's a problem Idk how to diagnose and verify or solve. So.

Its not intense just pressure and an auto response to avoid light. Like my kid turns on the lightbulb and I'm all its so fucking bright!!!! Although now the florescent burnt out thank God because that gave me migraines. And I got an LED. But the choices ar the dollar tree were limited to be 60 watt equivalent when I prefer a 40 watt or 30 even.

So I notice the intensity in my eyeballs changing in response to the light

When we lived in Alabama and we were about to move to NYC and my parents had always said Florida would be our next stop.

And i developed an allergy to the sun. A real allergy to the sun. It's a rare condition. My skin would marblize a red color and I would begin to feel faint and/or throw up if I was in direct sun.

It was right after Denise had become Zulululu.

And so I still have remenents of the non contagious disease. Although I was kept from school for 6 weeks... Like my legs if get hot then they get itchy and the sun irritates my eyeballs.

So I always buy sunglasses but I don't always wear them but have them available.

My daughter has the blue light blocker AND the progressive lens so that in the sun they turn to a light see through sun glasses. Zinnie.com I think I spelled it wrong m allong with a basic pair of clear glasses with a anti reflective coat for like $5 I paid about $70 for both. Never had any problems with Zinnie and even leaving them in a hot car was no problems. But a pair from firmoo I paid extra for the anti reflective coat and the lens coating melted in the car. So I'll never ever buy from them unless its a keep in the house pair. Wearing contacts and losing one on the beginning of a road trip where i was expected to drive -- it fell out my eye and ripped - it was old. And I didn't know or think about it and i had no back ups!! So i had to suffer the whole week. Migraines and all.

So in my luggage I keep a pair of contacts or glasses even when it's in storage. I keep a pair of glasses in my car in case of emergency. And firmoo completely failed me.

I've bought half a dozen or so from Zinnie. I call it Zin-knee-uh although it's probably just Zin-knee.

And noooo problems. Even with the advanced lenses which do work and are great.

Because I wear contacts, I don't want to invest in a good pair of glasses but my daughter solely wears glasses so I find it important to protect her eyes.

I get the anti-reflective coating -- the mid level due to at night lights. Without corrective lenses, lights look like Ferris wheels.

I literally can't see shit but 6 feet in front of me. I guess other people are not much different so. Like can y'all see a person 100 yards away? Like no? Right? I can see shadows and shit but I can't recognize people with my eyeballs until they're all up on me.

My uncle always says I'm gonna need a scope to shoot at night. -.-

I'm not quite Mr Magoo but I'm lucky as he is. Thankfully. (He's a cartoon, check him out. He's in YouTube)

And so my drastic apology for blatantly running around in sunglasses all rude and shit. Is done.

Also, while I'm talking about companies -- avoid PANTENE FOR COLOR TREATED HAIR. It strips rhe color out and is complete crap and the worst ever.

Herbal Essence and Loreal Elive are both fantastic to keep color treatments in.

I thought it was just our hair but ive been using PANTENE and my kid Herbal Essence and I see the difference.

Also I like my hair curly. And lantern curly didn't do shit. But Herbal Essence Twisted always has worked great. Not my personal favorite scent but tolerable.

Y'all what i need is a curly and color treated hair shampoo and conditioner at an affordable price. I've searched African American products and haven't found any with those labels. So Idk.

My scalp and hair is ultra dry due to scalp psoriasis and i can go a total 3 months of no washing without looking oily.

So i love African American products and buy them proudly in secret for myself! But i notice their bottles are smaller and more costly.

Except i found a leave in oil for only $3 which i use when i don't dye.

Foreign oils can strip hair color quite well as well as dandruff shampoo.

So I'm always cautious about leave in oils and lotions.

But PANTENE is a FAILURE.

Its my main switch. I use herbal essence and PANTENE and Loreal. Its a fact using the same conditioner and shampoo leaves a certain coating on the hair to cause it to be limp and flat and dull.

So it's always been recommended to use a clarifying shampoo and conditioner for a week then go back to the reg.

The same effect or nearly the same effecf is done by switching brands. So that's what I do.

PANTENE is now out of the equation.

Tio Nacho is a fantastic shampoo and conditioner. My daughter's hair was always unruly. Curly and just wild no matter what. And tio nacho is the only brand,to tame her to look like a human and not a wild lion. But I haven't found color protecting and it's $8 for only 12 ounces and so I find that expensive.

I buy the huge 27 ounces for $7. So.

But I would buy it for her. It helped calm the oily and wild mane.

My friend brushed her hair once and she was so surprised m she said that was like warm butter, lol. Because she always had wild corkscrew curls and some random straight ones she looked a wreck 24/7.

Truly I didn't mind I knew the truth. But tio Nacho has some miracle up in it. Swear.

PANTENE doesn't even have ordinary skills it claims to have m

So we may put Aussie in our loopm we use Tressemme when the cash flow is low.

I used to do live advertising and did the 3 minute Aussie miracle conditioner and that was always nice. The formula changed and it's not as wonderful as it used to be but its average. So i haven't had them in our loop.

Dove we don't like. Hers gets oily and crazy and i don't like the oil stimulation it causes. Idk maybe it's good but ... It makes me feel ick. Which is sad because I really wanted Dove to work.

PANTENE was my first "luxury" shampoo and conditioner i bought myself because i was raised on V05 and if I was lucky and Denise was nice, Suave. She literally bought the cheapest. And never bought extra conditioner and So i had to ration it. So my first self purchase on my own was PANTENE. But it is now a failure. -.- and lives are ruined and especially hair dos.

So now i used to buy my ex V05 ha!

And i have an emergency bottle of Tressemme 32 ounce under my bed for color treated. Conditioner.

We buy conditioner 4x more than shampoo. Because we coat it all --scalp to ends -- brush it. Then i rinse the heavy coat i soaked in while watching tv and smoking then I give it a light coat on the ends again and rinse.

Shampoo we just use one handful and not two or three and it foams up and so we don't need as much.

Like i use 2 - 3 pumps on my scalp of shampoo then one maybe two on the ends. The scalp i scrub the ends I rub.

Like now i have to dye again so I'll use a dandruff shampoo and I'll end up scrubbing all of my hair and use like 1/4 a 12 oz bottle. To get any deposits and leftover film and so on off all the hairs so they absorb the dye better. Then no conditioner. Or a light coat to detanglr and comb and rinse quickly without a deep soak. Then sometimes i gently apply shampoo again without a good scrub. Just run it through to remove the conditioner. But not to allow tangles.

Im not an expert or anything but hair care is serious around here and Idk why PANTENE is trying to destroy mine and succeeding.

I spend $50 every 2 months on just hair. For two.

One girl with a Mohawk and my long to the waist hair.

Two sides of her head are shaved every 6 weeks and she gets the same bottles as i do and then she's all "i need more" 0.o. Honestly she washes hers more often than i do.

We have our own buckets of shampoo and conditioner. Nathaniel either uses it or poisones it so we have our own large Easter buckets. And we store our towels in my room too. Then we have a 3rd bucket in case i buy in advance or like now give up on a bottle we were trying out. Save it. For days of emergency. Running out or so on

But we do borrow from each other if one or the other is low we take from each other to use.

We have different body soaps and different hair needs sometimes. Like i want curly and she's all nah. Or she has Tio Nacho.

We come from a 3 bathroom house so we're used to having our own product. Let me say it that way. But we always are good about sharing if necessary.

But she actually has more demands for bath stuff than I. So like her loofah and her body wash and all that isn't used by me and she knows its only all her Because I have my own bucket.

I cater to my kid. I Like it seperate too because her stuff is more expensive. $7 body wash and mine is $3 if i buy it. Otherwise i use shampoo. I do have hair in my armpits after all. And so i see hers and im all hmmm let me try this and yeah... "Idk how i used half a bottle in one bath" so it is more expensive!! So

While I'm buying 2x the shampoo and conditioner to supply 2 buckets -- in fact i am not spending more. If we shared the bottles as a person would expect, then we would go through them faster.

2 people in one bottle

Vs 2 people in 2 bottles.

So I have to purchase less often than if we shared but I have to purchase more bottles.

So in reality i pay the same price but the schedule and cost load is different.

Like if im out of conditioner, i know she will be at some point so i buy two bottles. And it waits until she needs it. Unless i need shampoo, too.

Then if she if she needs the shampoos then we buy all over again.

The cycle of life told in shampoo and conditioner.