#i also bought 2 pink floyd dvds today

[man-im-so-high]

i hung up some of the pictures jordan took at the europe tour!! they're so cool 😭

[nightcoremoon]

So I finally watched Deadpool 2. long post. very... very... very long.

back in 2009 my then 7 year old sister really got into avatar the last airbender and I hadn't really watched it but I had to share the tv with my four sisters and honestly between the kids television and disney sitcoms it was a breath of fresh air, and for a year and a half we would wait for reruns of episodes we hadn't seen yet. avatar was the show that got me into fandoms. alas, time passed and by the time korra was playing we'd moved to a different house and lost cable tv because the stepfather refused to pay child support and we were on a one parent income. we didn't really do anything together anymore either because I was in high school now. but then she got super into comic books. and I mean SUPER into them. especially harley quinn and deadpool. so when they announced the first movie and suicide squad we had both collectively lost our shit in excitement. alas, mom said she wasn't allowed to watch it since it was rated R and she was only 14. so one late february afternoon I was gonna take her out to see a movie. I told mom we were going to go see zoolander 2. in the car, I looked at her and said

we're not watching zoolander

and she screamed

and we watched deadpool

AND IT WAS FUCKING AWESOME

anyway more time passed and I heard that a second one was coming out and I wanted to do the same thing but that didn't happen and I lost my chance to see it in the theater. and then as I got enraptured in transitioning and working and a whole bunch of other stuff I just never got around to it. I did watch all of the supporting videos and trailers and stuff though. anyways, my sister (yes the same one) just rented it on dvd from a video store and watched it with her boyfriend today (actually yesterday but shut up), so I just sat down to watch it after work and

It

Was

...

a little disappointing at first, don't get me wrong. there were a lot of plot contrivances and I LOATHE fridge stuffing. I literally made a joke, "if she dies I'm gonna be mad" and then BOOM she fucking died and I was so pissed off I almost just turned it off. but I decided fuck it might as well watch the whole thing. it was a huge step forward from a technical perspective and all of the cinematography was on point and I could tell david pulled his a-game and did so much better than tim did (sorry tim, I love mass effect 2 and scott pilgrim if it's any consolation) and felt so much more fluid of an action movie considering the man did john fucking wick. of course ryan was fantastic too, as he always is. everyone was great: rena, tj, karan, leslie, BRI AND KUTSUNA-SAN, zazie, and stef's voice plus the cgi crew. also I always love terry crews, bill skarsgard, matt damon, alan tudyk, and the two seconds that brad pitt was on screen, even if their appearances were for comedic effect. I wasn't really sold on julian though but he's a newcomer on the scene and he did pretty well for all intents and purposes. I could tell which scenes were filmed first thought but this isn't a scathing attack on a child's acting abilities. I'm just angry that the actual plot for getting to the end was so weak, that they're aware and had ryan lampshade the fuck out of it, and the last half hour was such a trip.

okay so first of all how in the FUCK did sergei figure out who deadpool's secret identity was, track down wade wilson's apartment, get a hit crew together, and make his way downtown in the amount of time it took dopinder to drive wade home, wade and vanessa to bang, and them to start watching a movie? oh yeah sure there's nothing saying that their talk about his daddy issues was the same day let alone the same hour as the previous scene except for the simple fact that there was no fucking indication that any time had passed. either way, someone fucked up, and it was for the sole purpose of fridging ness to cause wade manpain. although frankly the only thing I hate worse than killing off the previous waifu for the next is breaking them up for zero reason whatsoever from out of nowhere (or doing both: if you do both then you're no better than paul blart mall cop 2 and that movie is a steaming blight on humanity that's only saved by perfectly syncing to pink floyd's dark side of the moon album). and to be fair THEY ACTUALLY USED THAT AS A PLOT ELEMENT AND MADE ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL AND HAUNTING SCENES I HAVE EVER SEEN IN A MOVIE. and also a hilarious one. so that sucked at first but then redeemed itself later. I'm still a little salty that he killed francis for nothing. MORE ON KILLING LATER.

(actually upon reflection maybe wade didn't hide his secret identity at all so it's perfectly reasonable that sergei just went after him but that would awaken a whole swathe of problems like why the fuck are wade and ness livin in the middle of the city full of crime and shit??? and more on that later)

dopinder killing his rival in love. come on now, that's just unrealistic. dopinder is too fucking incompetent to successfully murder anyone who isn't a pedophile. MORE ON THAT LATER.

the suicide. I can understand going out with a bang but are we supposed to believe that wade bought all those barrels, wheeled them in, and arranged them all and never once thought "well gee maybe I'm overreacting a little bit"? okay, he was depressed and not thinking clearly, but he was constantly getting drunk, doing coke, and god knows what else. he somehow didn't have the clarity to not kill himself but had just enough to arrange such an extravagant death? yeah yeah I get it, rule of funny and cool, and I can forgive it because it's deadpool, but god damn it that's really lazy (AND GODDAMN IT THEY EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE IT TOO. ITS LIKE THE ROYAL RAT AUTHORITY BONFIRE HERE). it's also indicative that weasel and colossus and dopinder are just bad or at least distant friends. and at least althea has an excuse being that she can't see. but as for the other two? bruh he is suicidal and unstable as hell. the last thing he needs is SPACE. but well maybe he hid it well, like kurt cobain, robin williams, chris cornell, chester bennington, okay writing this sentence maybe that actually does make sense. fuck.

negasonic thought that wade "flamboyant pansexual" wilson was lesbophobic? what? I understand it was for a joke but like come on now. surely she'd know that wade legitimately wanted to fuck colossus but wouldn't because he loved vanessa. lesbian gaydar works well, okay? then again the writers are not lesbians so I mean they can't be faulted for not grasping the raw power lesbians exude. (and if there's canonical evidence negasonic is actually bi, the same rule applies because wlw solidarity and stuff). and that's more than made up with the interactions between wade and yukio. whom I love and would die for. she's delightful and I hope she gets plenty of screentime in DP3. (also lmao 'pinkie pie from my little pony'. the real pink pony would be proud)

now, I get that this is purely because of license issues and budget constraints but THE WHOLE CONCEPT OF THE X MEN COEXISTING WITH THE PEDOPHILE HOME AND THE ICE BOX IN THE SAME UNIVERSE IS SO FUCKING ASININE. even if I made concessions for everyone being dead despite the timeline being fucked up the ass without lube, and admitting to never having watched literally any x men movie past X3 and yes that means I've not seen origins, japan arc [wait shit yukio's in that WTF SONY], first class, days of future past, apocalypse, or logan so I'm not an expert on the field but like. FUCK. I know there's jurisdiction, things change, erik is away and charles is dead (I think) and logan is dead (I know), and there's six whole movies I'm lost on, but jesus christ, none of that segment had any work done to make sure it was logical. so here we're supposed to believe that colossus and negasonic took wade as a trainee in the X Jet to Allegorical Racist/Homophobic And Literal Pedophile Central to... do what, exactly? What was the fucking plan? Because it sure as fuck looks like the plan was to distract him enough to force the Devil May Cry (sorry but I see DMC I either think of the rap duo or the game series) to haul him off to fucking prison to the fucking nth power. Colossus who seems to be the head honcho and sole decision maker of the X Men just stood by and watched until bullets started flying. Was he recruiting? Was he the damage control? Was he the cheap plot moving device whose sole reason for showing up at Essex was to punch Wade out before he killed headmaster touchykids allowing for the hamfisted climax? Clearly if we were to derive any conclusion from this circlejerk we have to assume that not only Colossus but the entirety of the XMansion just don't give a fuck anymore, or that it isn't important to make sense because hey this is a Deadpool movie so fuck you for using logic. Excuse the shit out of me for being confused as to what the fuck actually happened, because if Colossus is willing to let Wade get thrown into prison for killing a pedophile but he's not gonna TAKE ACTUAL LEGAL ACTION AGAINST ESSEX HOUSE FOR TORTURING MUTANT CHILDREN FOR DECADES (Domino admitted to it being the same when she was a kid), either it's just a Public Relations nightmare to not let the Run-DMC haul him off, Essex is a legal powerhouse on the same level as the Westboro Baptist Cult with lawyers up the ass, or they changed a lot of shit from the trailers and cobbled together what they could from what remained (which is the most likely suspect because Bedlam and Shatterstar had scenes in the trailer where they were not dead and were actually fighting with Wade and Domino). Regardless, the scene however dumb and nonsensical was necessary I guess, and established Russell/Firefist as a character. I'm still gonna be pissed about that in particular but HOLY SHIT is that stupid. But that's not all that's stupid. More on that later.

Cable's motivations are grief. His hypocrisy is understandable. Killing kids is wrong so I'm gonna kill a kid so he doesn't kill other kids. Why doesn't Russel deserve life? Because he's a mutant? Wow, Thanos is racist AND mutant-phobic! In all seriousness though, all Cable had to do was nothing to prevent his family's death. If he had stayed in the future, nobody would have broken Russel out so there would be no way in hell he'd have killed the headmaster let alone everyone else he did. Although according to the laws of time travel, the timeline Cable came from was the timeline that he went back in time and did everything exactly the way it happened up until Wade took that bullet for Russel. Because that's the moment the teddy bear lost its bloodstain. Because literally not a goddamn thing changed the course of history up until that exact moment, THAT IS THE EXACT FUCKING MOMENT IT BUTTERFLY EFFECTED ITS WAY TO HELL AND BACK. Cable's dead family is a direct result of him going back in time to kill Russel to save them and failing miserably. And god I love time travel paradoxes UGH I JUST LOVE THEM SO MUCH. We have to assume Cable failed and that's why he succeeded. THATS SO FUCKING STUPID.

And you know what else is stupid? Wade made it back to New York after breaking out of DMC. How is that stupid? Well, first of all, the facility wasn't looking for THEIR MOST DANGEROUS INMATE. Black Tom said it himself, Wade is the toughest cunt in there. Although Juggernaut is way more powerful but whatever. More on that later. Anyway, the facility got the riot back on lockdown despite Cable decimating most of the staff, and got everyone in line enough to get them to start convoying to the more secure location. Did they see that Wade was missing and decide "hey, fuck it, what can the literally most unkillable man in the world with the most enormous boner for revenge in the universe POSSIBLY do to us who forced him to slowly die of cancer all over again in a hell prison???" Fucking stupid. Even dumber is the actual X Men themselves not giving a shit that there was an attack on the ice box which is apparently Mike Pence's wet dream, not lifting a finger to so much as offer assistance TO ENSURE THE SAFETY AND REHABILITATION OF ALL OF THE MUTANT INMATES, or even so much as being like "hey guys is Wade doing okay dying from cancer in your Guantanamo Bay?". And dumber still than that is Colossus deciding that Wade deserves to slowly die of cancer since he killed a pedophile who abused a kid so bad he used his powers for destruction and murder and evil and eventually became one of the most deadly sociopathic murderers in the fucked up future world, rationalizing it because Wade broke the rules of being an X-man by killing, even though Wade didn't wanna be an X-man in the first place. Colossus dragged Wade from his suicide directly to the X manor to get his body healed, forced him along to a mission he didn't wanna be a part of, and then punished him for killing a pedophile by forcing him to die slowly from the cancer while getting the shit kicked out of him by convicts. AND THEN WADE APOLOGIZED TO COLOSSUS? ARE YOU FUCKING FOR REAL HERE? WADE WAS SUICIDAL AND COLOSSUS FORCED HIM INTO PRISON. Bad friend, 0/10.

Seriously, a queer military vet with ptsd and a fucked up past replete with daddy issues who developed cancer and was then tortured by a shadow organization went on a revenge spree followed by a murder spree as a mercenary, and expressed that he's a violent psychopath who won't hesitate to murder sex traffickers or pedophiles or people who threaten his girl, and watched said girl (the only good thing in his fucked up life) die right in his arms immediately after his life was about to go in a good direction and start a family and probably give up all of the murder business and just be the best dad in the world and give a good life to someone to make up for the one he never got himself, did a cocaine bender, and literally committed suicide. But his godforsaken mutation wouldn't let him die, so he couldn't even see his Vanessa again. He clearly has severe clinical depression and needed a FUCKING MENTAL HOSPITAL STAY, not being shoved into a planless feeble attempt to get him to join the Xmen (using him for an extra hand for missions), and he was allowed to BRING THE GUNS, and he was confronted with a physically and sexually abused CHILD with mutant powers he probably didn't ask for that ruined his life and got him sent to Essex, a BIG KNOWN HOTSPOT FOR PEDOPHILES, and he has a big problem with sex criminals (oh yeah and the girl he loved so much he killed himself when she died? sex worker with a life full of being sexually assaulted herself. let alone the fact that wade has been sexually assaulted as well). You take a queer, mentally ill, suffering man and push him past his breaking point, and let him bring guns to a pedophile nest, HE IS GOING TO KILL THE PEDOPHILES. Colossus is a fucking cunt in this situation in every single conceivable fashion. He dragged Wade out of the frying pan, and out of the fire, and into the fucking woodchipper, before stepping on him. The situation is so far behind fucked up that I don't even think the crew fully grasp the full gravity of the situation described. But I digress.

Things weren't all bad from this point on.

The recruitment was funny and full of people. Dopinder's reaction at Peter was amazing and I love him. Domino was fucking phenomenal and I loved her. I knew that everyone else was dead from the moment I saw them, though, but I still loved them anyway. Brad. fucking. Pitt. Great action scene all around. Josh Brolin is just the baddest of asses. Murphy's law is supreme.

Juggernaut's reveal was well done. Still dumb but not quite "AHM THE JUGGANAUT BITCH" dumb. Cool dumb. And then he Megatron'd Wade which was even cooler. I thought Russell joining him was a little dumb but it was quite a callback. Although it begs the question: Wade knew it was foreshadowing something and he knew that Juggernaut existed but he just isn't omniscient and the inconsistency is driving me fucking bonkers. This isnt the Deadpool of the comics. This is the movie Deadpool. And while I do like it I can't say it's without flaws. That's ok but still annoying as fuck. And then more flaws.

It's stupid that Colossus would react the way he did when he learned Wade was back. Well if Colossus was moping about because an entire convoy of mutants literally fucking died except for Juggernaut (PROFESSOR X'S BROTHER IN THIS CHRONOLOGY) and Russell, that's even dumber. If he learned Wade was back at that moment then he's not even paying attention to anything considering Deadpool was out and about. Negasonic and Yukio didn't look too surprised to see him. Lazy writing, lampshades, whatever, blah blah who even fucking cares.

The heroes show up just in time. Shocking. But of course if they didn't it'd be a boring movie.

The action scene was FANTASTIC. It balanced four different fight scenes all at once. Why Jug didn't rip Cable in half like he did Wade I won't ask, maybe because he's half robot I guess idk. Still, Wade/Cable, Domino, and Colossus kicked ass, and Russell's advance to the headmaster was beastly. Julian's acting wasn't the best and neither was Eddie's but I got what they went for and HOLY SHIT THE SCENE IS SO CHILLING, especially for queer youth. Bryan Singer could only dream of that level of subtle analogues.

I thought it was dumb that Cable was all like "if Russell kills then he'll be an evil monster since killing is wrong" even though literally every one of the people there have killed several people that fucking day. Cable killed many, Wade killed many, Domino killed many. Granted they killed mostly pedophiles but they also killed a lot of DMC people & innocent civilians (accidentally). But again he was grieving so whatever.

Negasonic and Yukio had their moment too, I just wish there was more. But that's what the threequel is for. WE WANT MORE LESBIANS!

Wade has balls, I'll give him that. Where he kept that power nullifier I'll never know. [also... fuck that noise. they just have a collar that turns off mutant powers? ORORO WILL HAVE A FUCKIN ANEURYSM. and marie will have an orgasm. for once in her life. hahaha references]. But it was still a great scene. Russell is actually a really good character, if he is a bit Woobie, Destroyer Of Worlds. But I like that trope. Simon from Cry of Fear is one of my favorite characters in that respect; sympathetic even to the very end if he kills Purnell and Sophie (god that monologue is so haunting... "have fun cleaning my brains off the wall. FUCK YOU."). He's basically just a mini Wade but a mutant first. And it allowed Wade to have a defining character moment.

And what a moment. There's a quote that was said about The Princess Bride that I feel works here. It was about the Inigo fight with Rugen. "A comedy is only as strong as the moment when it stops being funny." And the moment when Inigo stabs Rugen, and says "I want my father back, you son of a bitch." is just permanently etched in my mind because the entire movie you watch with a smile up until right at that moment. And when Wade finally bites it, you think "oh, he'll just wake up again and make another joke" but he doesn't. He doesn't move again. He shows up on death's door. And you hear the acoustic version of Take On Me. And he walks through the fog door, and he's got his skin back. He did it, he's finally reunited with Vanessa. And Cable looks away, and you start to piece together where they're going with it, and he goes back, and you wonder wtf is this, and it returns to the present day and Wade digs in the wound AND PULLS OUT THE SKEE BALL TOKEN HOLY FUCKING SHITBALLS OH MY GOD THATS THE COOLEST SHIT IVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE JESUS CHRIST ON A STICK.

THE ENTIRE ENDING SCENE IS SO ICONIC.

And the whipped cream on top of the sundae is the headmaster getting creamed in the middle of his tirade. And then Dopinder's reaction is the cherry.

After that it kinda does the sappy ending which is fine for what it is. And then it brings in all the fourth wall breaking time travel shenanigans, drenching it in sap and Ryan Reynolds' brains.

The music is just OH MY GOD amazing. Yeah there's the pina colada song and skrillex and celine dion and ac/dc and enya and pat benatar and peter gabriel and cher and steve miller and for some reason diplo/french montana/lil pump but THOSE ARE ALL ACTUALLY REALLY GOOD OKAY???

The movie is chock full of amazing lines.

The fights are all really fluid and visceral.

The cinematography is always on point.

The plot formula is shaken up a little bit.

Several pedophiles die incredibly violently.

ITS A REALLY GREAT MOVIE, FOR REAL.

I'd literally say it's better than the first one.

All of the plot contrivances in the first half are negligible and are barely even problems unless you overanalyze them too much. Like I do.

And I also watched all of the extras... Celine Dion is such a good sport, really, and honestly kind of a dork and super endearing and I love her honestly and think she caught too much flak for being a) a woman b) popular c) in the worst 'romance' movie ever made tifuckintanic god I hate that movie so much despite loving kate winslett, leonardo dicaprio, and james cameron as much as I really loathe to admit it. And Ashes is a really good song.

And I never thought I'd say this but... Lil Pump has really nice flow. I really kinda hope he isn't the dead one. I despise French Montana but I love Sia and by extension Diplo (because LSD), and the song they did for the movie was... bad. But I'll probably be checking out Lil Pump soon.

And anyway the winter solstice mtv unplugged acoustic version of take on me? Beautiful.

I enjoyed this movie a lot, despite the nitpicks.

Thank you Canada. 🇨🇦

[tinderellaola]

the last time I was “in love”

I have not been in a relationship in 4 years and that fucks me up. it makes me wonder if there's something wrong with me. if there's something wrong with other people. if they're hard to please. if I'm hard to please. sometimes I want a hookup and even that's hard to get because men don't like easy women. other times I'll make a vow to not hook up and that's when men enjoy the chase. coming out bisexual hasn't increased my chances of having a partner either. women in Toronto, I'm guessing, want a Ruby Rose lookalike or someone to listen to Tegan and Sara with (I love them but not enough to point it out in my profile, I guess), or they want someone who looks like Ellen Page. I've had the luck of matching and talking to beautiful fellow brown girls just like myself, and who I've sincerely always liked and hope is not some disgusting fetish, even though South Asian brown girls are desexualised (oh yes, even the light-skinned ones!). but eventually I just don't like the girls like that anymore. I start to understand the men who reject me after a first date. even though they're very pretty and nice and still have things in common with me, I just don't feel a spark. I could also bring up the fact that one girl backed away from me once she asked me how did I confirm I'm bi and I answered her.

it's not as if I haven't been in love with ANYbody since my toxic one-year relationship a couple years ago (need I point out that *I* was the toxic one with my yelling and ambiguity of what I want that could be mistaken or actually seen as controlling and manipulative. there was also my insecurity which definitely didn't go hand-in-hand with my ex's superiority complex and sensitive soul). there was, well let's call this guy... Tom (not a name I've ever dated before so this is safe).

Tom was a wonderful chaotic mess. he was a Sagittarius if that tells you enough. but even before I knew his star sign, Sagittarius was one of my two guesses. he had to either be a Sag or an Aquarius. Tom and I matched May 2015, 2 days after I had a hookup with one other guy named... I'll say Carpet. not to mention, Carpet was very nice and fun and considerate by trying to get me home on time to my religious family who I had to lie to by saying I was just out with friends.

anyway Tom and I matched 2 days after Carpet and I hooked up. he messagd me "Strokes shirt = good sign" in reference to the Strokes shirt I was wearing in one of my profile pictures. I checked his profile to try and see who I right-swiped on; it was some white boy with curly light brown hair, small blue eyes, and a goti; he had a posed shot of himself, another where he was diving into a lake from some cliff, and another of him drumming on his kit. so I messaged him back and we set a date for tomorrow pretty breifly into the conversation, with both of us trusting ourselves that we'll just click better in person. I gave him my number, he texted his name and that he's from tinder, I tried to prolong a conversation unintentionally, and got no message back until the day of our date.

he texted me and asked if we were still on for today. I said yes. so we met up a couple hours after that text, on our set time, with nothing in particular planned. he recently moved to my city and was living with his aunt and uncle. even though I've been in the city my whole life, I was not very good at giving directions. so we met up in this quaint downtown and I told him to "meet me at that wine bar if you know it." so yeah we met outside the wine bar, with no intention to go there. so he mentioned having a car and offered to buy some beers at the nearest liquor store, go to the lake, and chat. I said okay. so we did just that.

we sat by the lake and talked, and I gave him some of my Camel cigarettes in exchange for the beers. we talked about ourselves just as any date should be; our jobs/education, our siblings, our parents, concerts, weed, acid trips, our friends, dogs, That 70s Show being the retro weirdos we were, and so on. he did bring up some ex girlfriends and I thought nothing of it at the time. I was just enjoying his company, being happy to have gotten this date and not caring about the hookup with Carpet anymore. hell, I didn't even care if I would hook up with Tom or not, despite having a vow to just hook up with people summer 2015.

the date did end with us fucking in his car though, and he dropped me home even though it was out of his way. we talked some more, and he told me that guys don't actually brag about having sex. like, it's mentioned in locker rooms but no specifics are brought up. I was pretty tipsy in his car so I zoned out sometimes and told him I forgot to tell him to make a turn somewhere. but yeah we found the way eventually, we kissed goodnight, and we joked about who should text who.

the day after, he texted me and asked if I wanted to smoke pot with him tomorrow. I had to say no because my parents wanted me to help out with yardwork, which I didn't even have to do anymore! still, Tom and I had a couple more dates. well, only 2 good ones if I'm gonna be honest now, or 3... I'll explain.

the second date, we met outside "that wine bar" again, went to this pipe shop where he bought the pipe, walked to his car where he claimed to just be picking up the weed from, but got us to sit in the car, and be thrilled about having some cocaine in the same stash he had his weed. I nodded my head slowly, trying not to be so alarmed by this, and just thinking he wouldn't have some lines in front of me. but he DID. he got out a CD case, put some lines there, and once I processed this I freaked out, like "omg you're doing this RIGHT now?" he freaked out back, like, pretending to be considerate and reassuring me that coke wears out in an hour. I reminded him that we're cruising soon so he shouldn't drive just yet. he said he wouldn't, so he asked for my OK. I uncomfortably said fine. I tried to let that slide along with the mentions of ex girlfriends. we had a fun rest of the time finally finding a place to smoke, it was by some beach with just some other couple about our ages there and neverminding that young adults smoke pot.

we also walked and took turns going to a bathroom at the back of a grocery store. then we went back to his car, with the weed high going away even for my sensitive body and my lightweight-ness. we got poutine and went back in the car to listen to the Distillers, the music being my choice because he was cool enough to let me do that (believe it or not, men hardly ever let you choose the movie or music and so on so this was pretty big of him to me!).

we called it ane early night. he started working 5am-3pm shifts, which he happily told me about so that we could hang out earlier than the evenings now. still, after the second date I hadn't seen him in over a week. we weren't even texting. last time I did text him was to ask coke for a friend of a friend and he said he couldn't text anything like this to me right now and that he has to deal with some stuff right now. I respected that, kinda sensing that he was in trouble but still a little paranoid I was doing something wrong myself.

I saw him again after I slept over at a friend's house about a half away hour. we (my friends and I) pulled an all-nighter just partying with some of her classmates and dealing with the cops and inspecting the house (thankfully, these white dudes running the party had their weed in a seemingly obvious spot like by their computers but not where the cops checked anyway). anyhow I was exhausted af. my brother (who is just a year younger than I am and is one of my best friends so we were always rebellious together) picked me up from my friend's place. on the way back home, Tom texted me and told me he just got his own place, still in my city, and was inviting me over. being the smitten kitten I was at the time, I said okay and that I'll be about an hour. I wanted to go home and shower off this party smell and tiredness for a cute dude I've only met twice.

so I did all that, and Tom offered to pick me up. I told him that'd be cool, just not outside my house directly in case my mom would come home from work soon. so I met up with him at a plaza just a block down. he eagerly greeted me and we had some small talk. after that fuzzy stuff, I asked him how his week's been and why he stopped texting and suddenly wanted me around again. he sighed before saying that he got arrested for drug possession, and that he's on probation now. I was stunned. but a 20-going-on-21 year old girl who hoped this guy could be my second boyfriend after being single for 2 years. so I stayed in the car with him, let him drive off, waited in the car and listened to Pond as he went grocery shopping in the same store my aunt worked at, and finally we were at his new basement apartment. he also bought me a new lighter after I left mine in his car after the second date, and the cops cleared his car of any drug utensils. I still have this maroon lighter by the way! after 2 years it still works, so it's a good one.

anyway over at his place I helped him put up a Pink Floyd poster and then a Simpsons one in the tiny and cozy place. he warmed up frozen pizza which we cut with scissors (his idea) and we talked as he set up Django Unchained on his laptop because he didn't have a TV. he didn't have Internet either. so we were pretty old school, like early 2000s old school, by just using a DVD and a computer. I think he said his laptop was like 10 years old too even though it was an Apple. anyway in the talk before the movie he told me that he's bi. I told him that I was too. we smiled out of relief from that, and he ended the moment like, "I like dicks, I like vaginas. whatever" to which I laughed at. and even though we had a heavy fight about reverse racism as we talked through Django, I stayed the night. I insisted we get past this differing thoughts and opinion of a concept even though we were both passionate about it, pretend we never had this talk even though he was mad enough to try and kick me out of his place. I blurted out to him that it can't end this way, because I really REALLY liked him. he said, "well I was starting to like you too!" so that was when I said, "then let's just give this a chance. this is ONE thing we're disagreeing on."

the following night, he gave me a piggy-back around his place, like what they show in white romantic movies. we watched some live Woodstock videos. and we had sex before sleeping on and off through the night.

we spent the next day, a Sunday so I got that cliched Sunday morning date, at his place all sleep-deprived. we watched a movie (the whole thing this time), and for some reason looked at pictures of him and his ex girlfriends on his laptop, and then he wanted to pick up perogies from his aunt at her beautiful big house. so we went to her place. on the way there I told him I had to pee, so he suggested I could pee at his aunt's place. the thought of meeting a fuck buddy's aunt was weird to me, especially in my sleep-deprived state. but I went inside with him anyway. as his aunt had to show him something upstairs anyway, I went to the bathroom and then waited out in the hallway of this beautiful big house with his uncle sitting in the kitchen and reading the paper. I thought of saying hi but also didn't want to in this context, like he didn't know who tf I was and Tom wasn't there as proof that I was a friend of his. so I silently waited, and they were back downstairs anyway. Tom had the pack of frozen perogies in his hand, we both said bye to her, and left.

I stayed a bit longer at Tom's place. we watched The Lego Movie, That 70s Show (which was when he called me smart like Donna by the way, and pointed out I said some things he learned about reverse racism not being real), had sex, showered together, and I decided I should get going. it was 6pm when I told him I should go. my mom called earlier and she asked when I was getting back from "another friend's" house (I told her it was a girl friend). so I told her I was just at the mall now and will be getting back home from there now. she said okay.

but at home I just haaaaaad to make a tumblr post about my sleepover at Tom's place and our lovely Sunday together. I had my older sister on tumblr, and she's basically a third parent. I just figured she wasn't using her blog anymore. but... she was lurking her dash still, alright. she confronted me about it, and was upset I did that. I freaked out at her, because I was mad that I got caught and mad that she wouldn't let me learn things on my own. it was ugly.

luckily for me, I forgot my phone charger at his place. so I texted him and asked if it was there. he said yeah and that I could visit him on Wednesday (like 3 days after the sleepover) to pick it up. I said that'd be good. so we met up again and this time he had a friend coming over so I got to meet one of his friends, and he was nice. we got drunk and talked politics again. Tom was such a mansplainer by trying to cut me out of conversation and saying that I wasn't getting the topic right. his friend, on the other hand, said that I was saying relevant things, which got Tom pretty annoyed.

well anyway I accidentally took his Doors shirt home. I wore it as a joke when we were all drunk but forgot to take it off. so yeah I had it for a while. I washed it before going to his place again and gave it back to him. he was so relieved it was just with me the whole time because he thought he lost it and he wanted to wear it to a show with "a new friend" he was going with. he told me it was some girl. but I tried to let that slide off along with the ex-girlfriends and being a coke-head! but then he started ghosting on me. he pretended he missed some texts from me, and would say he couldn't hang out some weekends. he was friends with some new girl on Facebook who didn't seem like she was an old high school friend or anything. I spent weeks wondering if we were gonna talk again. I had a friend ask me if we were official yet because I knew him for over a month and gone through a lot with him at that point. I had to tell her no we weren't; it was the opposite. I excused that maybe he's busy, busy with the court cases and visiting his family an hour away some weekends, and meeting up with old friends who were visiting the city, busy trying to find a new job after losing the one he already had, and so on.

3 weeks later I texted him and asked if he was busy. he said no. so I asked if he wanted to hang out. he said "sure. where?" I said that his place is fine. so I came and we just watched movies again. he treated me like some relative rather than someone he had all these inside jokes with and wanted to kiss sometimes. we had some cigarettes outside his place and he'd *casually* mention the new girl he was hanging out with and that she spent the week at his place, and he told me the same name I saw on his updated friends list on Facebook. I just changed the subject.

every hangout I had with him, except that last one, we'd always kiss goodbye. but in that last one we didn't even hug. I tried to let that slide, along with the ex-girlfriends, him being a coke-head, an entitled white boy, and the insensitive mentions of the new girl.

I couldn't sleep for a week. I was always nauseous. he was on my mind all the damn time. he even came into my dreams in the rare moments I WOULD sleep. so I knew I had to talk to him. this went on for a week. so I texted him and asked if I could come over. he said he doesn't live in that house anymore. so I said "ok then let's meet up somewhere. I wanna talk." he said that he's living with his folks, who live an hour away so he can call me in about 20 minutes. I said fine. then he asked me if everything was okay. I left my phone in my room that time and was downstairs. so I came back to see a follow-up text which was a "Hello?" I told him yeah it is, and that I just don't know why he got distant all of a sudden. yes, pretty accusatory. but I wasn't sure how else to say it in this nervous state. so we didn't call each other. he replied to my text, getting all defensive and vague. I pressed him, which got him to say, "I lost my driver's license, got kicked out of my place, and have a couple court sessions left. my life sucks right now! I can't deal with anything right now. it's nothing personal." I said, "ok that's fine. but what about the past few weeks before all this?" he said, "I dunno I guess I just got busy." I replied, "with the girl who slept over for a week?" he was all, "I guess. and with family and friends." he sent  a follow-up: "are you mad that I'm seeing other people?" I said no, and that I was mad about him getting distant. I think I'm saying all this out of order. but anyway the talk ended with me offering to be there if he ever needs to vent. he didn't reply.

he kept me on Facebook. but then I saw him tag the other girl in a status of some music video, and it hurt like the flames of Hell!!!!!!!!!! so I removed him and his number and got drunk a lot and cry. I remember this one night I came home after a night out at a pub at my brother. I was making myself a burger at 2am and dropped the spatula and broke down. my sister (not the one who caught my tumblr post. I have 2 sisters) was just coming in that time, and she knew what was going on so she hugged me and told me that this is how you learn stuff, and that he was a dick anyway. oh man I feel pathetic even writing this again.

but anyhow I had my 6 months of being sad over a summer fling. they say that it's supposed to take you only half the time you were with someone to be over them. but for me it was double that, including the ghosting since I *thought* we were still "together." I'd actually drunkenly call him (I kept his number in my diary, no joke), and he'd neverrrrr pick up. I knew he still had the number, hence his outgoing voicecall stating his first and last name. I'm not sure if I even really got over him. well I knew I was missing him and that he was not right for me. but at this point I know I don't want him as a boyfriend. I miss him, even if it was just a messy friendship.

so in this almost-2 years I haven't talked to him, I had to delete my tinder a couple times because I ran out of matches or would want a fresh start or would try and quit tinder for a bit. of course, just the other day on a new tinder account, he was one of my choices. it took me a bit to digest this. but I swiped right to see if he would too.

it's been about a week, and no notification from him has come up. I like to think he's just a Sagittarius who likes to pretend he doesn't care about people he's been initimate with. but I've seen him vulnerable. I've seen him show me his ex girlfriends. I've heard him tell me he doesn't like reading books with someone else because it reminds him of "a friend" he had to drift apart from. he's told me he once had "a bitchy ex girlfriend" who he might have a guilty conscience for. hell, he might have remembered me as "this girl obsessed with the Strokes who cried over them at my place once and drunkenly danced to them." "this girl with strong-ass opinions, like insiting that reverse racism isn't real, although I just don't wanna admit that she's smart and strong for standing up to me."

I had a dream of him last night. we were together, not officially, but it felt MORE together than my time with him. we'd hang out with each other AROUND my family. we cuddled on some beach chairs in front of them. well he was actually young Keanu Reeves at first and then just transformed to him, you know how dreams are. but, even though I wasn't clear about this, I think he had some similarities to young Keanu with his occasional quietness. anwyays we cuddled at the movies at a family outing too. it just really nice.

I tried to tell myself that I just miss getting physical affection in general. but I guess I also miss being his friend. he was someone I had good conversations with even though I know now he was a fake-intellectual. he appreciated me even though it wasn't for a long time. I remember crying after the next guy I hooked up with because the sex wasn't as real as it was with Tom. to this day, I still miss "Tom" even though he was a jerk. I know I would never ever actually be his girlfriend or his wife. but he was memorable.

so remembering him, I don't hold resentment over first dates who realise they don't feel a spark with me after all. remembering him, I realise these first dates didn't give me the same spark as he did anyway, although I could also say that he made me have high standards out of protection of myself. I guess I've just learned so much from him, and miss the feeling I'd get from him even though it got me hurt in the end.