#i already hate this doc with passion

[thesamoanqueen]

trust no one except your blood they said...

[rouge-the-bat]

the adhd-fueled desperation to create for hyperfixation vs my adhd struggle to do anything or even decide between the million ideas i have is my own personal hell. im dying squirtle

[llamagoddessofficial]

Mrs. Llama, i wish for some wisdom and advice on writing scenes and dialogue.

When i read your fanfics my mind is just like... woah... how does she do that... I love the way you describe every little thing in your fics, nothing ever misses your eye and i'm like wondering how you've done it?

Sometimes the way your write ties exactly into what you want to convey, the emotion, the setting, if the person we're reading this through is focusing or not... I'm starting to write my own fics but I don't know if my writing is descriptive enough

Like there's something there that could be added, but it feels like i already added that line, what more could i add to it really?

First of all, thank you so much, I really appreciate the kind words. Sometimes I worry that I over-describe and I try really hard to make it seem natural. Hearing that makes me feel a lot better!

Generally, with descriptions, I try to imagine that I'm actually in the place. I know that sounds like an obvious step, but it's actually not at all - really try it. Close your eyes and picture yourself entering the room you want to describe. What are the first things your eyes are drawn to? Then the second, and the third? You'll probably notice the largest furniture/big objects first. Then perhaps the colour of the room. Then you might notice the carpet, the smaller furniture and any decorations. Try to think about what the character would see; does your character love plants? They might spot the plants first. Are they really tall? They might see the lighting fixture first since that's at their eye level. Don't forget your other senses - does your character hate the way the room smells?

I would also say that it's good to trust your reader. You'd be shocked how little you can get away with describing. If someone's reading your stuff, that generally means they have an active imagination, and they're excited to picture what you're offering. You don't need every little detail (unless of course you WANT every detail).

At the end of the day, the best way to get better at writing is to do a lot of writing. And how do you do that? Write the stuff you're absolutely feral about. No one's looking!!! Get a word doc or google doc and write about your blorbos until your eyes cannot physically stay open!!!! Write the stuff you're desperately passionate about, the stuff that makes you explode with excitement!!!!! Being fucking insane about something is a power absolutely none can parallel.

Write whatever the hell you want. It doesn't matter if someone else has written it before - no one has written it like you. Write what you want and the rest will follow!

[gingiesworld]

I See You (4/?)

Wanda Maximoff x GN! Reader

Warnings: Coersion

18+ MINORS DNI

Throughout the months, Pietro had helped Wanda through her break-up. Although she was shocked to see the state Jarvis was in and Y/N's hand was messed up again. But they didn't care this time.

Wanda walked through the halls in her old clothes. Her black skater dress and docs. Her hair up in a high pony like she used to and her make and smoky eyeshadow. Y/N smiled as they saw her walk through the halls confidently. Even if they kept their distance from her. She always heard their words in her head everyday from the first arguement they had had.

'I was your best friend Wanda. For years I stuck by you. During your emo phase and now you're a cheerleader and you promised nothing would change. Nothing. You don't even see me anymore Wanda. When you walk into the same room as me, your eyes never want to find me. Not like I see you whenever I am near you.'

Those words plagued her every thought. She had also noticed that Jarvis had moved onto Carol funnily enough. The cheerleaders all looked at her with disgust as she went back to her old ways.

"You looked so much prettier as one of us Wanda." Sharon spoke up as she approached Wanda.

"You know what? I don't care what you all think of me anymore." She told them. "I don't no why I ever cared in the first place." She pushed passed them all and made her way to her History class, sitting in her usual seat.

"I'm proud of you Wanda." Y/N told her as they passed her to get to their own seat. Wanda couldn't help the blush on her face as she looked down at her books before the lesson started. She looked back over her shoulder, biting her lip as she noticed Y/N already staring at her.

Wanda was lay beside Y/N in the grass, watching the clouds slowly pass and feeling the calm breeze grace their exposed skin. Wanda soon turned to face them as their eyes remained firmly at the sky above. She hadn't really notice how attractive they were growing up, but now she was lay their admiring their sharp jaw line and deep blue eyes.

"You're staring Wanda." They stated as she shook her head no as her lip was between her teeth.

"I never really noticed how beautiful you are Y/N." She told them as they chuckled.

"I'm not beautiful Wanda." They told her as she shook her head. Looking their deep blue irises as she shook her head at them with her lip between their teeth.

"You are Y/N." She whispered as her fingertips danced across their features. "I see you Y/N. Very clearly I see you."

"I've always seen you Wanda Maximoff. Always." They whispered as she glanced at their lips. A mixture of nervousness and excitement within her.

"Kiss me." She told them as they smiled softly. Lifting their head up to meet hers in a soft passionate kiss. Holding her as close to them as they possibly could.

Wanda groaned when she heard her alarm going off. She ran her hands over her face as she looked at the ceiling. Realising what she should have known all along. She is in love with Y/N. It was never Jarvis or anyone else. It should have always been Y/N and she hated herself for not seeing it sooner.

"Hey Wanda." Pietro greeted her as she entered the kitchen.

"Y/N is going to be staying here this week since their parents have a business meeting." Mrs Maximoff told them both as she made sure she had everything she needed for her day at work. Wanda was actually nervous about them staying with them for the week.

"Where will they sleep?" Wanda asked as her mother smiled to them.

"We can move the cot into your room." She told her as Wanda just nodded. Her heart beating in her chest. "In fact, we can do that now."

"I can stay here on my own mama." Y/N told their mom as she was making sure she had everything.

"No. I want to know that you are safe and Mrs Maximoff is the only person I trust with my most precious love for this world." She said as she tapped their cheek.

"Mom, you're going to a conference for a week. I'm not going to war, I actually don't think they make you join as soon as you turn 18 anymore, but you know. The government changes a lot so what do I know." Y/N told her as she smirked at them.

"You're staying with them and that is final." She told them before she left the house. Y/N watched as she got into her own car and drove off. They had their own bag packed ready for the week before they drove to school.

"I hear you're staying with us for the week." Pietro said as he joined Y/N at their locker.

"My mom doesn't trust me to be alone at home for some reason." They shrugged as Pietro raised a brow.

"Most likely because you'll fuck anyone in the comfort of your bed instead of your car." He teased them making them laugh before they went their separate ways. Wanda's eyes always subconsciously found them now. Even as she watched them disappear down the hall.

"So you do like the freak?" Jarvis questioned as he walked up behind her.

"Fuck off." Wanda said as she closed her locker.

"Why? So you can join a convent?" He teased her as she tried to walk away from him.

"You know I could have them arrested for assault." He told her as she soon whipped her head to them.

"And I could have you arrested for rape." She countered as he laughed.

"No one will believe you Wanda." He said as he leaned in. "Just remember, I own you. I always will." With that he left her frozen in the hall with a note in her hands.

'Meet me at our old spot at 8pm, or say goodbye to Y/N.'

She didn't know what she should do so she decided to follow through with it. She didn't want Y/N to go to prison, but with this decision she was going to lose them either way.

"So, I have to share a room with Wanda?" Y/N questioned as Pietro gave them a sad look. "Can't I sleep on the sofa or even on the porch?"

"Sorry Y/N." He patted their back as Y/N just sighed, placing their bag near her desk.

"You came." Jarvis smirked as he leaned on his car.

"I am doing this for Y/N. Not you." She told him sternly.

"You know, I have had pretty much every girl in both of our classes but you." He told her as he moved towards her. His hands moved to her hips as he moved to her ear. "This is going to be so much fun."

Wanda made it home late, tears in her eyes and expecting Y/N to be asleep. When she silently crept into her room, Y/N was sat up reading a book, their eyes instantly finding her tear filled ones.

"What happened?" They asked her as soon as they put the book down.

"Jarvis." Was all she was able to get out before she cried, moving to curl up on her bed as Y/N nervously sat on the edge of it.

"What did he do?" They asked her as she calmed down enough to tell them of the deal he was having her make. "Don't do it." Was all Y/N said as Wanda looked at them confused.

"I have to or you can get arrested!" She yelled at them.

"I don't care what happens to me Wanda." They told her as they sat back down on their bed. "I could go out tomorrow and get stabbed and I wouldn't care."

"I do. I care!" She told them as the tears fell down her face. "I care what happens to you because you're." She stopped herself as Y/N stood up, watching her very carefully as she took a deep breath. "I see you Y/N. I do. I can't live my life without being able to see you. Hear your voice. See your goofy smile." Y/N remained still as she continued. "I see you." She stepped towards them. "I know that this is late coming but it's better late than never right." They smiled at her softly. "Please say something." She pleaded as the silence filled the air.

All they done was cup her face and wipe her tears away, looking into her jade eyes with a growing smile. Their slowly leaned in as Wanda stood there, waiting for what felt like an eternity for their lips to meet in a soft kiss. She gasped as she felt her whole body tingle. Every nerve was aware of their touch. Their lips moving in unison as Wanda gripped the front of their shirt, trying to pull them closer to her.

"I see you Wanda. I always have." They whispered as they rested their head on hers as she wrapped her arms around their middle. Finally at peace with herself, but the sinking feeling that she may lose Y/N now since they don't want her to do what Jarvis has asked of her.

---------------------------------------------------

Taglist : @dark-hunter16 @whitewidowsbite @marvelwomen-simp @canvascoloredin @idkbubs

[emometalhead]

I finally finished Better Call Saul, and I need a place to house my overall thoughts.

• I hate Chuck. If Charles McGill has no haters, then I am dead.

• There are some characters in the BCS/BB universe who were in situations they didn't deserve. Chuck isn't one of them. He was horrible to Saul. He lived to spite him and keep him down. His last words to his BROTHER were "you never mattered all that much to me". Like WTF man!?!? Chuck deserved everything he got and worse. I don't feel bad in the slightest.

• Francesca quite literally got Saul in the divorce, and I kind of feel bad. She was so enthusiastic and sweet when she first started working at Wexler-McGill, and by the time she's solely Saul's employee her attitude has completely flipped. All of that being said, she's an icon.

• It was so nice seeing Mike on-screen again. He was one of my favorite characters in Breaking Bad, and his death feels the worst to me out of the main characters. It was interesting to learn a bit more about his background and to see him interact more with his family. I also enjoyed seeing his dynamic with Gus develop.

• Speaking of Gus, pretty much all of his actions in BCS seem on par with his character in BB. He took down Lalo in a pretty bad*** way, and that was awesome. I'm sad they only let him be gay for a fleeting moment though beyond other characters making fun of him for it.

• Nacho 😭. From the second Nacho first walked onto the screen, I knew there was only one way his story could end. His death still made me sad! Even though I anticipated it, the manner in which he died was really unexpected and more abrupt than I would've thought. He's a character whose consequences were the clear result of his own actions, but I still feel a bit bad.

• Like Nacho kind of had the Walt thing going on (he was good at his job, and he liked it), but I can't help but think if he wasn't being used+threatened by both sides that he genuinely would've gotten himself out. It's clear how much he cared about his dad, and I do truly feel that he wanted to make his dad proud (even after losing his trust/respect after joining the cartel).

• Manuel Varga, man 😭. Bruh. He hurt me. I feel so awful for him. He knew his son was never going to make it out of the cartel. He knew. No one should ever have to brace themselves like that. My brain did not enjoy thinking about Mike, who was still very emotional about the loss of his own son, having to go tell another dad about his son's death. That was some well written and emotionally painful television.

• Lalo was an interesting character! He was intense and insane, but not entirely unhinged like Tuco. It was interesting to see how his rivalry with Gus fueled Gus' passion for his craft. His death scene was a good one. Damn about him being buried under the lab though! I was NOT expecting that at all. It's very crazy to know that Gus had Walt and Jesse cooking above his former rival's body.

• I know I've said a few things were unexpected already, but I really was not prepared to lowkey feel bad for Howard Hamlin by the end of the show. He was a jerk. He was not a good person. I still don't think he deserved to be buried with his murderer under a meth lab.

• It was awful that Howard would send Kim out of her office into doc review when he was mad at her. That is immature and unprofessional to a high degree. Kim was justified in feeling angry towards him. Saul was also justified in feeling angry about Howard blindly following Chuck's rule. I do believe that if it wasn't for Chuck, Howard would've hired Saul (sorry, Jimmy) as a lawyer for HHM once he passed the bar. I thought Saul's Howard copy billboard thing was funny, and to be completely honest I don't even mind that he threw the bowling balls on his car. The character assassination with the fabricated drug addiction went too far though, especially considering it lead to his death. Howard was a jerk, but he didn't deserve the ending he received.

• Kim Wexler kept surprising me. At the beginning of the show, I tried to predict where all of the non-Breaking Bad characters would end up. I could not have possibly predicted any of the decisions Kim would make. I love a girl boss, but she sabotaged her own career several times in order to execute revenge plots. I was honestly excited to just she her be a successful lawyer at the beginning, but alas that is not the type of show this is.

• Kim's "I was having too much fun" speech broke my heart. It was pretty easy to see how Kim and Saul's relationship was a "we can make each other worse" situation. I really had expected their relationship to end sooner though, and getting married was absolutely the wrong decision. It was crazy seeing how Saul just fully shifted into Saul Goodman mode after Kim left him.

• Last but not least, the man himself. I enjoyed Saul's character in BB. He's annoying and extravagant, but he's fun. He added a little whimsy to the show. I enjoyed that we got to see the "Kevin Costner" moment that he mentioned in BB. I appreciated getting more of his background and seeing how he interacted with non-criminal people for a time. Bob Odenkirk is a good actor, and I'm a little sad that I'm done seeing Saul on my screen. (Even if I made fun of all of his ridiculous suits and ties.)

• Overall, I really liked the show! I had heard good things, and I was looking forward to watching it after my recent rewatch of Breaking Bad. Better Call Saul did not disappoint! It was entertaining. It had a good blend of drama, action, and comedy. I'm sure I'll end up rewatching it down the line.

[kimtaegis]

i feel so guilty i havent been in the mindspace for new music but at the same time im very excited for jin to come back? like why isnt my enthusiasm there? idk. i never even finished hobis doc but id rewatch old run eps. like i have new things to be appreciative about but im falling so behind. ik we're not obligated to consume everything when it comes out but i still feel this way. like im letting them down, like im falling into the very thing they were scared of, with losing us. i hate when lifes personal problems make me feel further away from the people that kept me going in the first place

hm… I receive asks like this quite frequently and I’ll be honest with you, I don’t really know what to say to this topic anymore besides from what I already tried to convey in the past: you don’t owe anyone anything, enjoying their work and all the content that’s been put out is not a duty or job, it’s okay to take a break from interests and hobbies if they don’t bring you as much happiness anymore as they used to, it doesn’t mean you let anyone down or love them less. just look at what minimoni said about that topic yesterday! distance is for healing and rediscovering your passions and what’s truly important to you. and you can always reconnect in the future. please try to stop pressuring yourself like that, there’re so many more important things than watching a video or listening to an album once it’s released. it’s all alright 🫂

[johnslittlespoon]

HI I'M ALIVE i swear this is a pattern at this point, i post a new fic/chapter and disappear for a phat day (or two) lmaoo i literally get The Fear and i have to avoid notifs/comments for a bit <33

that being said, wept reading the comments on TAS, i'm so so thankful y'all are vibing with it because i was NERVOUS about posting my first ever modern au and i wanted to make sure it still felt true to the characters but everyone's been so unbelievably kind i'm so wahhahhhh :')) i appreciate the sweet words SO so much, it's so reassuring and so motivating <33

so motivating actually that i'm already halfway done ch2... whoops? litch rally buzzing with how excited i am to write, i don't think i've ever experienced this which sounds strange but like. okay hold i can already tell i'm gonna go on a tangent so let me cut myself off with a read more lmaoo

idk, does anyone else ever sometimes feel like even though obviously we all write fic for enjoyment because we do it for free, sometimes it feels like a chore? not in the sense that i feel obligated to write, but just that even though i feel passionately about what i want to write, it's just hard to get my brain into gear (adhd aside) even when i really want to. i'm just thinking out loudddd now but my concerta just kicked in so it's inevitable LOL word vomit and thought processing is apparently a necessary part of my writing process smh

writing yad(iym) has honestly been so helpful with this because one of the biggest things that i struggle with when writing is that i have a super vivid imagination and can picture exactly what i want to portray/convey, but sometimes i don't know how to get there, but with the dog coded fic i have the timeline of the actual show to follow, so it takes a lot of pressure off in that sense! it's sorta like filling in the gaps because i have something base level to work with.

but 99% of the time when writing, i don't have that, so i end up avoiding my docs often because i feel stuck in terms of progressing the storyline, and my writing process drags on so longgg. i'm finding too now that i'm writing my first (and second oops) actual long fic that oneshots are actually more difficult for me to finish for some reason despite most of mine being shorter than a singular chapter in my fics, which is funny because i was so terrified of commitment starting a chaptered fic but i've ended up being more consistent.

anyway point is, i adore writing yad(iym) and it's been the most fun experience i've had fic writing, but now that i've sorted out the world building aspects for tough and sweet, everything is just flowing and instead of having to sit myself down at my desk and kinda just force myself into the zone, i cannot drag myself out of my docs?? and i've never had that happen but i'm definitely trying to take advantage of it while it lasts and get as much written as possible!

i think it also helps that it's so lighthearted compared to the angst of yadiym (tho i've got some angst planned for tas too lol sry) so i don't have to think as much about the weight behind certain dialogue, or carefully plan out the progression of the relationship dynamic the way the time period/setting of yadiym requires. it's a nice breather from the constraints of the mota–verse (as much as it's still my favourite thing to read/write with these boys), but i also enjoy getting to sink back into that doc when i want something deeper than the little biker boys.

i'm still very much working away on yadiym tho to be clear!! i was scared to start tas before i finished it in case i hyperfixated on tas and my updates got slow on yadiym, but it's genuinely helped me find a balance because i'm always working on one if i'm not working on the other <3 i'm about half done ch6 too for yadiym (how many times can i type that in one post jfc), i'm just at an internal emotions heavy part which i Hate. writing lmaooo give me dialogue or smut and i can type away for hrs but introspection?? internal conflict? hell

ok that's all my fic related rambling thank uuuu/apologies if u sat thru all of that LOL lmk if your writing process/mindset is similar or not bc i'm always curious about how other people's brains work with this stuff!! also how does one get over feeling obnoxious about rambling on their own acc like. this is my acc. i could post 100 times a day if i wanted. i need to Relax good god

[sleepymccoy]

15, 21

something you learned this year

Mate, i dunno! I started using scrivener rather than google docs and that's been cool to learn and do. Every year I relax more about writing for other people and just write the scenes I think are fun, rather than what might be good to read. Means the story is better to read cos the passion and interest is in every scene now. And I think I've enjoyed writing more this year than before. Which was true last year too, I'm just loving it so much

I learned that while I like writing sex and kissing scenes, what I really like is the tension you can get in them, rather than the horniness of it. An intimacy a surprise was a learning curve in that it was enormously more fun to write because i didn't have to slog through any horny scenes. It was all fun tension, and then the scene ends when they kiss so i can resolve the tension and not have to write the rest of it. So I'm keeping that it mind, cos that fic's still hot as fuck, just not full erotic. I say, knowing full well there's a scene where McCoy fingers himself in Spock's lap that I wrote. They hadn't kissed yet! The tension was still there! And I only wrote it cos it was fun

As I was writing the response below I realised I learnt that i like posting wips cos the reader engagement helps change and improve the fic. I didn't know that before, and way back in the day (a year and a half ago) I always waited til I was nearly done to start posting. Since that fic I wait until I feel like I'm past the main bulk of the plot so I know what's going on pretty well, then I post. I'm gonna try and get comfortable this year with the idea that I can rewrite and repost a chapter if I wanna change it! cos it's a wip! people understand, I think

Also, I posted deleted scenes in Oh Commander Mine, which I've never done before. And that was really fun, helped me reflect on why I make decisions to delete or keep things that I've written, and absolutely proved that none of it was wasted. Cos it all taught me something about the characters I hadn't realised, and went on to use or realise was totally wrong. And it's nice to post work rather than shelve it

Okay I learnt more than I thought, that's really cool. Great question

most memorable comment/review

Oh, I've got three! Three people commented with a question or comment or whatever that made me write something extra in my story. I never used to like posting something while i was still writing it but I've found that having people engage while it's posting can point out either plot holes or opportunities to dive deeper that i would have otherwise missed. Let me see if I can find them real quick

There's this one on Two Thirds of a Whole from hypatia;

Now I'm curious about Scotty's experience with his 'twin'. Very much loving this whole fic!

Cos I had the alt universe's Scotty visit their universe, but had totally forgot that Scotty would be reacting to this. So I spent like a week thinking about it and decided that Scotty wouldn't be bothered by it in any like big ongoing personal way. I think he'd really kinda like the guy, I think Scotty's pretty confident in himself and isn't sitting on much self hate. But I do think he'd be a bit shaken by just how similar he was, it's sstill nice to think you're unique, so he gave himself a tattoo. And he's nerdy, so the tat line is influenced by the precise shimmy of the universe he's in. No other universe will be exactly the same.

And then there's these from An intimacy, a surprise from Mandyana;

Omg thanks for writing this! 🥰 A follow up on how aos Jim, Spock, and McCoy reacts to TOS Spockx Leonard's relationship would be funny 🤣.

And this from Senorialeternit, on the same topic;

Thank you for sharing this beautiful story with us! May there be a sequel with McCoy and Spock AOS! Because it would be a very good continuation of how they would fall in love knowing that in another alternate universe they are already together.

Which made me write a whole 40k fic! That I wouldn't've done otherwise lol. And in that follow up fic, I won't quote the comments cos there were a few and they were mostly about multiple topics, but people were asking and imagining how Jim would be feeling in the comments and I was like... shit i haven't thought about Jim at all. So I did, and it improved the fic and added a really funny scene where Jim gets to absolutely shine. I'm gonna share a stand out moment from that scene actually. Jim can be a lot of fun.

“So I see the reports of Spock beating you up are exaggerated,” Jim said.  McCoy broke the kiss and stared at the door in shock, a chill running uncomfortably down his spine. Spock immediately went to the side, pulling back from McCoy entirely. Cold air hit McCoy’s chest as he gasped.  “Oh, fuck,” McCoy gasped shakily. “Gentlemen” Jim said gleefully, entering the room without hesitation. “You two, kissing? This has come out of nowhere for me, I’m simply shocked.” McCoy covered his face and breathed for one moment. This wasn’t happening. No, unfortunately, this was happening. He lowered his hands and glared at Jim. “Hi, Jim,” he said. Jim glanced meaningfully down at McCoy’s crotch. “Airlock door’s open,” he stage whispered. McCoy flinched and did his pants up. “Spock?” Spock was facing away, hands clasped behind his back. He was breathing evenly, at least. He had that over McCoy. Jim threw McCoy a grin. McCoy did not return it.  “I was expecting you on the Bridge, Mr. Spock,” Jim said clearly. Spock turned and cocked his head, in that curious way he did. “I apologise, Captain, I had intended to report to the Bridge next.” Jim nodded seriously. “After you got your rocks off with my CMO,” he said.  McCoy smacked Jim’s arm. “Take it easy on him.”

Airlock door's open is my favourite bit lol

[fakegingerrights]

Walk By Faith (4)

[TW for PTSD episodes and panic attacks, and traumatic events.)

Prev Chapt Next Chapt Masterlist

Crosshair huffed as he leaned into the stretch, the rough feeling of the sparring mat a reassuring sensation under his fingers.

He wasn’t allowed to work out properly until they got scans of his brain to make sure he wasn’t gonna keel over and die on them, but going through the routine of working out sore muscles, pushing them to the limit and relaxing into the strain was a familiar one.

It also helped that he could feel the vibrations of everything on the mat, pressed against it as he was in a tangled heap of too long limbs. He sat up, untwisting himself as someone stepped onto the mat.

“Just me, Cross.” You called softly, and some of the tension he hadn’t noticed building slid from his shoulders. “Bev sent me to tell you we’re ready. You’ve done these scans before, right?” You asked nervously.

Crosshair nodded slowly. “It’s been some time.” He hedged, stretching and huffing in satisfaction as his joints clicked and popped.

“Alright. Want a hand?” You ask, kneeling on the mat in front of him. He grunted.

“Don’t really have a choice, Doc.” He held out a hand for you to take, letting you pull him to his feet and lead him to the edge of the mat, where he slipped his shoes on and gingerly felt for your shoulder before setting his hand firmly on it.

As he followed you through the halls, it struck him just how small you were compared to him. Now, don’t get him wrong, small wasn’t a bad thing (he grew up with Hunter after all) and he knew he was thin compared to the regs, both he and Tech were. But you were still a handful of inches shorter than even Hunter, and he could feel every breath and twitch of the muscle on your frame.

Bev was pleased at his recovery so far, delighted at every report. Crosshair doesn’t think he’s especially different, still grumpy and sarky as ever according to you, but there was an ease in his actions he doesn’t remember there being in a long time. Pain he had forgot he carried made itself known before slowly releasing, leaving him free from the constant headaches and nausea that had sat in the back of his head as long as he could conceivably remember.

His pulse quickened as he followed you down familiar hallways, to exam rooms he hated with a passion. He flinched as you tapped the hand on his shoulder lightly.

“Can you ease up a bit? I’m not gonna let them hurt you.” You muttered into the still air of the lift as it dropped you below the waves of Kamino into the rooms housing the equipment you’d need.

Crosshair huffed, catching his breath as he released his grip a little bit, mumbling an apology as an after thought.

“Crosshair.” You kept your hold on his hand for a second. “It’s gonna be alright. Bev said your eyes looked great. I’m already working on workarounds for this with a long time partner of mine, ok? They’re willing to help me get a neural network set into your helmet so even if your eyes don’t work, the tech will.”

“Who?” He asked, grateful for the distraction, focusing on your voice as he slowed his breathing down to what could be considered ‘normal.’

“They want to remain anonymous, but they have a friend who relies on neural networks for everything in their life. We’re bargaining a trade of information right now so I can recreate it for you.” The lift opened and you started forward, Crosshair swearing under his breath as his foot caught on the gap between the floor of the lift and the duracrete floor. He waved off your concern and fell back into step behind you down the clinical smelling corridor.

In the exam room you led him to the table, Bev hustling over to the computer terminal and making sure everything was ready.

“Commander.” You got his attention quietly, “Procedure says we need to restrain you to keep you from moving so we get a clear scan.”

Crosshair paused, his muscles all going rigid.

“Restrained how so?” He was laying flat on the padded table as you had directed while Bev was working.

You brushed his hand first to let him know you were there before moving to demonstrate.

“A band here, across your chest, and here over your shoulders… your hands would be free so you could knock on the machinery if you needed something.” You pressed your hand against his ribcage, then higher up on his chest. “And one more across your forehead, here.” You tapped lightly at the spot just above his eyebrows.

Crosshair looked right through you, his pupils flinty pinpricks in his grey gold eyes and betraying his fear.

“My hands will be free?” He asks, fidgeting with the edge of the bunk.

“Yes. There will be emergency releases on your right side. Releasing them though will mean we have to restart." You said quietly. "So the longer you can stand it, the sooner we can be done, alright?" Crosshair nods after a moment.

"Just get this over with." He held perfectly still as the synth leather straps were carefully arranged over his upper body. Your hands paused as you pulled the last one into place over his head.

"Just hold still and it will be over before you know it. Take a nap for all I care. I'm here if something happens, ok?"

Crosshair relaxed a little, trying to breath easily. The strap across his ribs wasn't tight by any means, but it still felt like it was pressing down onto his chest and constricting his breaths. He heard yours and Bev's muffled voices outside the machinery and the hum of it starting up, a pricking feeling overtaking the back of his neck as he focused on his breathing, the remembering the counting he used when he was lining up a shot, his mind beginning to drift. He tried to sleep, to hold as still as he can and close his useless eyes. The longer he sat there though, the harder it was. And it felt like an eternity.

The MRI was loud. And it was messing with his head. He couldn't see anyways, but he shut his eyes tight and tried to block out sounds he knew was just his desperate mind playing tricks on him.

Tech wasn't next to him, mumbling coordinates and dates as he tried to remember his own name.

Hunter's hiss in pain wasn't there, as he tried to shut out the lights and complaining that his skin was too tight and he could feel every crease in his clothing.

Wrecker wasn't moaning softly as his body stretched to accommodate denser bones and tighter muscles. Crosshair gritted his teeth as he felt the table shift under him. Was he done?

Even though his eyes were closed, it was too bright without seeing anything. The lab, which had been clean but not overwhelmingly so, suddenly smelled like bleach and blood and he couldn't kriffing breathe.

The lights were buzzing above them. He knew it. The bulb was about to go out in a day or so, his enhanced eyes catching every minute flicker of the light searing into his head, though shut eyes it stung and he had a building migraine as he curled farther into the bench he was on, hoping for some warmth in the chilly air of the lab.

Hunter hated the lights too, his heightened senses making laboratory settings living hell for him. Tech’s constant testing for recall speed and IQ and the sheer amount of information crammed into his head often left him mumbling for hours, unable to think enough to remember his own name. Wrecker spent his nights in agony, growing pain was bad for all of them but his was worse, often spending nights in a drugged sleep to keep him from crying out as his limbs stretched and muscles tightened. Hunter hissed. Tech muttered. Wrecker Whimpered. Crosshair?

Crosshair screamed.

Three fingered hands, rubbery and too squishy and made his skin hurt when they touched him in a way he couldn't explain. Needles in his arms, in his thighs, his neck.

It all burned. Days in darkness with bandages wrapped around his eyes after the latest round of testing left them bleeding and sore. Hunter's hand was rubbing up and down his back, Tech was blinking owlishly down at him, squinting because his last pair of goggles broke and they were waiting for new ones. Wrecker was asleep.

He loved his brothers. He really did but it hurt so bad, it was too much. He thrashed, trying to get away from everything touching him as an unfathomable weight held him down.

"-s he seizing? Bev what's going on!?"

"Focus, 9904. If you want last meal tonight you'll put it together in the time limit." The bounty hunter instructing him warned as Crosshair, 7, studied the components of the firepuncher rifle in front of him. "Two minutes. Starting....Now."

Crosshair tried. He really did. 2:04 was better than even some of the bigger clones could do! But, as he lay curled around an aching pit in his stomach that night, he was reminded that he wasn't good enough. He never was. He never will be.

"You wanna skip last meal again today, 9904? Then cut the sass and put the rifle together."

Crosshair growled. He forced his hands to move faster, his eyes to move quicker. He still wasn't good enough. 2:02.

"Post Traumatic Stress episode-"

"Damn it kid! Get your ass into gear. You're not eating until you get this right." Crosshair growled low in his throat at the bounty hunter. "You got something to say, 9904?"

"I think since you've failed to teach me properly, you should hold off too. Some missed meals might do you some good." Crosshair spat. He was fully expecting the slap that came down hard on the side of his head as the bounty hunter grabbed him by the ear and started dragging him through the halls of Tipoca city, his expression one of cold rage while Crosshair hissed and spat and scratched like a feral tooka.

"He's-" "-panic attack?"

"-Flashback-"

The rain was cold dripping down Crosshair's back as waves nearly sixty feet high battered the small platform they were on. "You know what, 9904? I think you have too much energy. You need to cool off a bit before we can continue." The bounty hunter snarled, dragging him to the edge of the platform by his thin shoulders and dangling him off. "I'll be waiting in the exam room when you get back."

With that, Crosshair was unceremoniously dumped off the side.

He never was the strongest swimmer. The icy water hit him, soaking through his cadet uniform. He blindly kicked off his shoes to reduce some of his weight as he fought to stay above the surface as another wave swelled, nearly smashing him back against the platform as he was dragged harshly under, his ears popping several times and a sharp pain erupting from his left eardrum.

Crosshair choked, the sea water salty and burning the back of his throat as he gagged and spluttered once he reached the surface. His left ear had water in it, he couldn't hear on that side as he just managed to catch the edge of the platform and cling to it like a drowned rat. The chill of the water and days of missed meals had sapped his strength, holding on was all he could do as another wave crashed over the platform and crushed his ribs into the edge and his face into the platform proper before retreated, leaving him a bloody mess as he struggled to breathe. The next wave slammed into him and he forced himself to roll with it, ending up sprawled on his back on the platform.

"I've got you, easy." Crosshair knew that voice. Where?

His trainer wasn't happy to see him. Crosshair didn't care. His time didn't improve either, his hands were shaking so badly he couldn't hardly pick up the pieces of the sniper rifle.

But there was something pressing into his back too? He looked around, but nothing was there. His trainer snarled. "Well, you gonna get this done or are we gonna sit here all night?"

A hand was gripping his trembling fingers. It... it burned. But he didn't let go. Nobody was there when he looked. The feeling persisted as he blinked a few times.

"That's it, Cross. Take your time." The voice was soft, feminine. His brothers called him that. He tried to focus on it. Shut his eyes tight even as his instructor yelled at him to get busy. "Steady does it. You did great, we got what we needed. You did so well, Commander."

Crosshair was laying flat on his back, on a soft surface. It was dark, and quiet aside from your steady breathing. You had his limp hand in yours, tracing small patterns. He was disorientated, feeling for his surely broken nose and bruised ribs. But he was fine, not even his clothes were wet.

But he had been in the ocean again, hadn't he? Trainer Jai-Billic and his creative punishments?

"Nope. Nice and dry." You murmured.

"'said that aloud?" He grumbled. His whole body ached nonetheless, phantom pain still present and he was so tired.

"Mhm. Do you wanna sit up and we'll grab some water for you. Bev said you had a PTSD induced episode. You're still getting used to not having the chip to help regulate trauma. It was... interesting, to watch your brain fire off in real time. And then you started screaming and it was terrifying." You shuddered, enough for him to feel it.

Crosshair just grunted. So that was why his throat ached. He shivered in the cold lab as you unwound your hand from his. He felt wet despite his clothes being dry, everything feeling foggy.

"Here, buddy." You touched his shoulder lightly. "Wanna sit up? I have some water for you." He let himself be guided, everything still feeling dreamlike.

"Yeah, you're still really dissociated aren't you." You murmured in reply.

"Oh... I'm talking still." His words were spilling everywhere. Nothing seemed to stay where it was supposed to, his thoughts slipping away like water through a sieve. You curled his hand around the water pouch and helped him guide it to his mouth and take a few drinks. Crosshair realized how dry his mouth was suddenly, after a few swallows he drained the whole thing.

"Right, Crosshair. Can you tell me five things you can feel?" You asked quietly. It took a second for Crosshair to gather his scattered thoughts.

"Table... Clothes..." He scratched at his jaw. "Prickly... 'need to shave... my shoes... and the water."

"We can take care of that later. What about four things you can hear?"

It was getting easier to think, although he still felt oddly dreamlike. "You... Me... uh, a mouse bot... and the computer terminal."

"Good. Three things you can smell?"

"Bleach cleaner. My soap. You." He listed off, his voice becoming a little less raspy.

"Two things you can taste?"

"Breakfast... Blood. I bit my tongue."

"One thing you can see?"

Crosshair glared in your direction. "That's not even funny."

You snort. "Just checking. Can you stand up for me? I've got everything I need and can start working on getting your helmet all fixed up. Is there anything I can do for you?"

Crosshair paused. "Don't know. I want to see again."

"Alright. I got an audio adaptor for a datapad if you want to listen to reports and your new orders. Your squad is headed to Bracca in two weeks to track down...well, your old squad." You hesitated, tension thick.

Crosshair had seemed... mixed. About his old squad. On one hand, you noticed how much he missed them. How he had turned to say something to someone that wasn't there, how his eyes had darkened when you first called him Cross, then how desperate he had seemed to be called that.

He had given you Tech's name the first time you met. After, you had looked up his squad's files, made a point to memorize their names. You were surprised how often you had worked with squad 99 before you met Crosshair.

Goggles for Tech, to correct a slight nearsightedness and slight protanomaly. You later worked on the interface with his HUD to link them to his helmet and help him control his HUD through the lenses that got in the way of him directing it with his eyes like his brothers could.

A mechanical eye for Wrecker, after Tech mixed up the red wire and the green wire in a bomb and set it off at close range, leading to the discovery of his protanomaly.

Reconstructive surgery on Echo, after his rescue from the Technounion and their sloppy work on his nervous system and not properly using his eyes for nearly two years left him partially blind and sensitive to light.

Adjustable darkshades on Hunter's helmet, to keep him from being overstimulated with the flashing blaster fire and explosions.

Really, the only one you hadn't met yet was Crosshair, due to the kaminoans being fiercely protective of his eyes.

Crosshair grunted, startling you a bit. "Guess you'd better get to work then. Those idiots are going to get themselves killed without me and a new squad is hard to adjust to."

You huffed a laugh, part of you wondering if he meant his non-clone squad or his brothers. Probably his non-clone squad.

"Let's just go get your helmet fitted out, yeah?"

Taglist:

@the-hexfiles @moon-wrecked @stunkbiggu @urfriendlyneighbornightfury @anotherschuylersister @endo-bunny @renon4224 @tecker @rinwritesfics @pb-jellybeans @merkitty49 @chicknstripz @bambambunny @yeeteth-the-raven]

[heybaetae]

Actually, your answer was really interesting because I did not know any of these things! :D Also can I just say, even though you very rarely talk about your experience with cameras/film, it's so nice when you do! I love seeing people talk about something that they are passionate about and/or have relevant experience in.

If I remember correctly, even their bangtan bombs/eps and run bts episodes used to be better quality a few months or years ago. They obviously do not need to be as good as their docus (i love break the silence's quality AND editing so much!), but I noticed a few CCs talking about how it got worse. Why do you think they switched?

oh good i was kinda worried i came off a bit snobby with that response when i totally didn’t mean to 😭 i’m really only just speculating and applying my own knowledge of cameras to what i’ve observed, but i’m no expert and could of course be wrong. i definitely don’t claim to know better than a professional film crew, but in my experience working on sets and learning about what types of cameras work best for the overall product and will provide the best results, it’s been interesting (and frustrating as a cc lol) to see the quality steadily reduce in things like run bts and bangtan bombs. my theory as to why they’ve downgraded to cheaper cameras for those types of media in recent years? besides it being cost effective, well…frankly, they don’t have to hire people with previous experience on any type of film crew to do it. and i’m not saying they don’t have people around who know what they’re doing and are using great, high quality equipment when a situation calls for it—but i think they ALSO have inexperienced staff who they put in charge of the “b-roll” cameras for content that isn’t as prioritized as what the bigger documentary cameras pick up. so like youtube stuff for example. or even most stuff they release on memories dvds. that inexperience comes through a LOT in those videos these days, especially when it comes to simple camera settings like adjusting the white balance to the light in the room or changing the ISO to give a slightly brighter image. really simple fixes that are instead consistent nuisances. i hate to say it so bluntly but i really don’t think some of these staff are taught to use a camera properly at all seeing as they have become a bit careless about it. if you’ve ever seen fan videos from afar of the boys and you notice like one random person trailing behind some member with a small camera in one hand, that’s the kind of thing i’m talking about. proper film crew members are usually distinguishable by the bigger shoulder cams and extra gear they’re wearing, especially if there are extra bodies around them with lights and better mics. that candid footage is fine and it works in certain contexts, i’m not trying to completely disregard certain job roles because i’m sure it’s not easy trying to catch everything all the time, but for a company with so much money it’s a bit laughable how lazy, for lack of a better word, they’ve become when it comes to providing decent footage of certain moments. but sometimes it later turns out that a professional doc crew caught those same moments from other angles! i’ve noticed that happen and we’ve already seen it in one of the disney trailers with the moment they were nominated for their first grammy.

bangtan bomb, cheaper HD camera:

beyond the star doc series, 4K movie camera:

another example…

love yourself concert dvd, cheaper HD camera:

bring the soul doc series, 4K movie camera:

different qualities, aspect ratios, white balance, color grading, just overall better version for the content it was used and intended for. :)

[shiroganeryo]

20 Questions For Fic Writers

Thank you for the tag @ofdemonsandangels! Finally got me to babble about writing, eh 😂

As always, I won't be tagging anyone but if you see this on your dash and feel like doing it, feel personally tagged by me!

⭐ How many works do you have on AO3?

Currently twelve. All finished, but there's one in particular that's part of a collection of stand-alone one-shots that I'd like to add more into sometime, hmm.

⭐ What's your total AO3 wordcount?

102,279 words.

⭐ What fandoms do you write for?

At the moment, it's mostly Bungo Stray Dogs (it only took me 7 years to realize I could write fanfic for this one), but I also have some Genshin Impact works and one D.Gray-Man work posted. There's a long, looong doc (38 pages, 16,700 words) in my WIPs for DGM.

⭐ What are your top five fics by kudos?

The Meaning of Sharing Happiness ➡️ To Hold Dear and To Own ➡️ God's play ➡️ Just a Short Break ➡️ A Moment to Cherish

⭐ Do you respond to comments?

I might take a while to get to it, but I always read all the comments I get and am always extremely grateful that people took their time to write something; so I usually worry about giving each reply the proper attention and if my gratitude is translating well into my words whenever I get to reply.

⭐ What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Hmm, I haven't one of these. I only wrote mild angst once and even that got resolved within the specific work. I don't see myself writing anything like this but it might depend on your definitions of what's an "angst ending"?

⭐ What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Definitely New Pages in Our Very Own Novel - my three-chapter wedding and honeymoon fanfic written for dazatsu week this year. I was pressed by time constraints to make it in time, but I poured a lot of love and care into this one, merely because they deserve to be happy and at peace; so many of the moments in this fic are light or meaningful in some way, but still lovely, all the way to the ending.

⭐ Do you get hate on your fics?

Not that I know, thankfully!

⭐ Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I do, have some posted and I'm still rather proud of them! Describing "what kind" is a little hard (no pun intended) because my ideas usually stem from the thought of "I want to see this specific thing happening so I'll make it". I went into kinkier territory once, but in general, I think what drives me to write smut is having the people involved getting down and dirty but in a passionate way, if that makes sense? I like to make their love for each other show in how they handle each other but I also like the couples to be unapologetically into it, show off their sensuality and personality while at it. A good mix of sexy and lovely.

⭐ Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

My brother in Christ, I already have trouble managing people from one universe in only one work. So, no 😅

⭐ Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Hopefully not?! I'd be very upset.

⭐ Have you ever had a fic translated?

If it's been translated by myself, does it count? I translated one of my fics to my native language (Brazilian Portuguese) via voice call with my little sister once, she's still studying English but she was adamant on reading something from me, so I translated that one for her. It was a very fun experience, actually!

⭐ Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Not yet and I don't think I ever will; I have such a demanding pacing for writing that I'd overworry about inconveniencing the other person.

⭐ What's your all-time favorite ship?

No matter if it's in regard to posted fics, or in my general opinion, my answer is the same: Dazatsu (Dazai Osamu x Nakajima Atsushi) means the world to me.

Story with this ship began years ago but like I mentioned in question 3, it took me a lot of time to realize I could write for them as well. Every single fic I write for them has a dedication to my spouse in the notes, but that's the most I'll say because trust me, this story is LONG haha

If we're talking about the amount of rent-free living inside my head, then it's a tie between them, ChuuAki (or ChuuSano, not sure which ship name people use mostly nowadays for Nakahara Chuuya x Yosano Akiko) and ZhongVen (Zhongli x Venti from GI). I definitely plan to write more for chuuaki at some point; they all live happily in a three story building inside my mind 😂

⭐ What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

There's a rather extensive GI WIP (for Lumine x Noelle) in my folder that I feel doubtful toward purely because I'm so uncertain about it; when I started writing that one, we were only at the start of the story of the game so things looked very different from now. I'll need to rework and scrap many things in that one...

⭐ What are your writing strengths?

One thing that I put a lot of attention and care into, and that has been praised time and time again, much to my happiness, is character portrayal. I've been told on various occasions that my characterization of the characters felt close to the original to the point people were able to easily picture them doing and saying the things described in my works, how I got their "voice" right and how enjoyable it was to read because of it. It never fails to put a smile on my face, and I've replied to comments more than once saying that these are the best kind of praises I could get from anyone.

⭐ What are your writing weaknesses?

Not sure how much of this is a weakness or simply a personality defect, but: obstination and self-imposed pressure. I won't be able to relax until I have finished a work I feel I must finish, because I'm so used to not having free time for my hobbies that I have this - usually extremely self-destructive - mentality that goes "I must do all of it now while I still have the chance since I don't know when I'll have time again"; which means I tend to get no breaks at all, will sacrifice sleep hours to work on it, and destroy my back all for the sake of a condition my head imposed on me.

Probably not the answer you were expecting, but it's what I struggle with the most; this ride or die mentality born from perfectionism and a little (?) pinch of anxiety.

⭐ Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in a fic?

If it's a language I can speak, then it's not a problem, though I haven't had the chance to do so (yet).

But here's a random language trivia for you: I tend to think a lot in Japanese for all my BSD fics to make their dialogues as accurate as possible even with the work being written in English - for example, there are certain puns/jokes that exist in English but either don't work or don't exist in the Japanese language, so I avoid adding them; things like these. It's small attention to detail no one but me would know about, but it's something I do because it matters a lot to me.

If it's a language I can't speak, or a cultural aspect I'm unsure of, I either ask a friend or delve into those "Ask A (insert nationality here)" subreddits. It's always a riveting learning experience!

⭐ First fandom you wrote for?

Officially published and first ever: that would be D.Gray-Man. Though Jesus Christ, I would not show my 15 yo's crazy DGM fic full of nonsense and OCs. There were even ships in there that I can't bear to listen the name of nowadays. How the times change 😂

⭐ Favorite fic you've written?

I'll cheat my way on this answer, because I can't pick just one.

SFW: New Pages in Our Very Own Novel & Healing Touch These two are undoubtely the ones I've gotten the most praise for as well as very, very long comments that had me giggling and kicking my feet like I was a teenager again; but what I like the most about them is, respectively: New Pages: I did a lot of research for New Pages. I actually used Google Maps to trace their routes during their stay in the Ginza Prefecture for the honeymoon, just so I would know if they'd need to take the train or if they could just walk to their destinations. One thing that I've always loved in BSD are the real-life places references, so I went for that: I referenced real-life places as well, and even the hotel I picked was also inspired by a real-life one, located in the same place. I paid a special amount of attention to landscapes and their descriptions and it was as fun as it was exhausting! haha The contents of the fic are still the most important, but the experience of writing and doing research for it, learning more and viewing so many pictures to describe things, was one of a kind. I'll never forget it. Healing Touch: This fic was born from a wish of mine to do a certain character study, and I'm still proud of how it came out. Dazai as a character is extremely complex and we all know it, but I wanted to, at the very least, scrape at the surface of his humanity hidden underneath all those layers - all the while I worked on Atsushi's perception of things and the way he dealt with his own sense of sadness and grief and used those to try and understand Dazai's. I can't really say much about it because it'll just sound like a lot of babbling out of context, but I feel like I did a good job on those bits (it's not the entire focus of the fic).

NSFW: Baring Stripes and Bandages I'm sorry, I'm just a furry. Jokes aside, this was the one time I went for an approach that explored some kinks that aren't too vanilla and I'm still quite proud of how it came out. We - my spouse and I, this fic was born from a headcanon of his - often joke saying it's my magnum opus, and then it's just a kinky fanfic 😂 But I'm still so proud!

[honeekyuu]

hey this is the shy anon from the other day that read through your ao3 and i just wanted to stop in and say to take your time and don’t let these anons get to you. i know you’ve been writing on your ao3 for a while now but your tumblr is literally brand new and i’m honestly at a loss for words that you’re already getting rude anons and people pressuring you to post more.

you seem like a really busy gal and i’d hate for demands like that to burn you out. you’re doing amazing and don’t let anybody be an asshole to you. post what you want when you want/can, i’ve seen far too many people give up on fandom because they feel like they have to constantly churn out content to the detriment of their creativity and passion. you’re so talented and based on the frequency with which you’ve been writing in the last few months it seems like you have a fire in your soul for haikyuu. i hate seeing it taken for granted and i just wanted to let you know you have support in doing whatever the fuck it is you want.

(feel no obligation to reply to this, just wanted to offer some support after seeing such atrocious fandom etiquette literal days into the life of this blog)

wow, i really dont know what to say--

i saw this as soon as you sent it in, but i was honestly super shocked that id gotten it, so ive just been sitting here thinking ab it.

it means probably more than you realize that you sent something so kind. i've been writing for a long long time now (both here on a different blog and on ao3), and it's true that i am very busy, because unfortunately being a phd student and running experiments and spending all my time running back and forth between my advisors and conferences and the lab means i have a schedule thats not really a schedule, and i can never really say when or what im going to be inspired enough to write, enough that i can pull myself out of daily burnout. i experience writing droughts often, sometimes lasting up to a year before i feel the urge to sit down with a doc again. and i have a LOT of half-written fics that have never seen the light of day, which i plan to get back to eventually but which, in reality, may never get finished.

ive gotten so much love and support over the years, and it's brought me back to writing every time. i love haikyuu with my soul, and i think about my fics almost every day because i feel a burning need to write them. if not for anyone else, then just for me.

but this blog is brand new, so, even though that anon i received definitely tops the list of unfriendly comments ive gotten over the many years of writing, i wanted to be as kind and accommodating as possible. because i dont want people to think im ungrateful and will ignore criticism, because no one likes those kinds of writers. but i am also a person, and writing is hard, so i think i will continue to do things my way.

my writing style is this, for anyone who'd like to know: i am erratic, and i dont have an upload schedule, because i cant realistically manage one. i have periods of inactivity, because life is hard, and i have periods of hyperactivity, because i love this fandom and the way that haikyuu makes me feel in a life that's full of terrible feelings. this may annoy some people, and i can understand that. but i cant force myself to write if im not in a place to write, and i cant force myself to stick to one fic at a time, because then it'll be clear that it's been forced.

im extremely annoying and unhinged and feral and i will talk about several different fics and smaus and text threads and headcanons all within the same breath. but i will always write what i love, so if you'd like to see work that is well-loved, feel free to stick around.

thank you very much to everyone whos been so kind in my inbox tonight, and i hope to see you all tomorrow <3

[rainypebble07]

Actually, I'm kinda curious to know what you have against Brad Pitt

(For context, I named Will's evil boyfriend Brad in this fic after Brad Pitt)

Okay, well here's the thing. I don't actually hate Brad Pitt. One of my favorite movies is Ocean's Eleven, so it'd be a little awkward if I hated the guy (I like a lot of earlier brad pitt movies actually, Mr & Mrs. Smith, Benjamin Button, etc.)

I named the draft doc I Hate Brad Pitt mostly because I'd already named the Brad after him, and I was more referring to Story-Brad when I wrote that than Mr. Pitt (I hate Brad with a burning passion).

And, uhhh, if Brad Pitt ever reads this fic, for the record, sorry I named that horrible guy after you, man.

[onthewaytosomewhere]

Find the Words

Alright so yeah I've been tagged and well I'm a sucker for tumblr tag games so here it is lol

tagged by: @typicalopposite

rules: find your given words in your WIPs and post a snippet containing the words, then tag others with their own sets of words :)

my words: laugh, tomorrow, wonder

I only two of these words in my WIPs that have more than just a few bits written - I was certain they would have all been there but guess not (at least not in fic)

I had them both 3 times in my College AU so I'm gonna cheat and give them all so I don't hafta choose lol (they're not too angst-y lol)

laugh

Alex’s laugh in response makes Henry’s ever-present butterflies flutter, and he really must get them in some semblance soon before he makes an utter buffoon of himself. Well, more than he already has in the years he’s had this sadly unrequited crush on his kind-of-friend-by-association who is so straight Henry has not even an infinitesimal chance.

Henry takes hold of Alex’s hands and holds them between the two of them. He smiles reassuringly across the space between them and takes a deep breath. “Well, I guess we both had a friend plan – too bad neither of us was smart enough to communicate it.” The laugh that escapes Alex surprises them both. “I think maybe we’re already there though, if you can forgive me sequestering myself away, in my usual avoidance technique. I will make every effort to not do that the next time I get too in my head. It’s always been the way I dealt when things got hard or more than I knew how to deal with. I will admit I’ve had feelings for you for the last two years or so – I always told myself it was just a crush I’d get over but this year I realized that wasn’t the case anymore – "

-this one is from Alex's tales from the college AU (which is a separate doc - so they didn't all come from the same one lol)

The laugh escapes Alex before he can catch it, and he smiles across the table, realizing that he didn’t mess this all up after all. He reaches across the table and grabs Henry’s hand in his, “Just remember who said it first, sweetheart.”

wonder

(apparently I had plenty of variations of this word but these were the only 3 just 'wonder')

“Good morning, Alex. I’m certain I’ve repeatedly asked you to stop with the ‘your majesty’ thing, and if you need to sit closer to see, you really should. Just because I felt like a change doesn't mean you must suffer.” Henry swore he had heard a muttered, “I know nothing but suffering,” but there was no indication that Alex had spoken when he glanced his way. That, of course, was his downfall, the one thing Henry knew he needed to avoid had already happened, and this time, it was Alex’s damn eyelashes that were driving him to distraction. Luckily, the professor came in to start class, forcing him to focus on something other than Alex and the things, the dirty, dirty things he wanted to do to him. Somehow, he made it through class without embarrassing himself, even when Alex got into a verbal sparring match with one of their classmates about how poetry could be seen in many political officeholders' speeches. Watching Alex debate something linked to a topic he cared so wholeheartedly about generally made Henry weak in the knees. The passion Alex displayed often made him wonder what it would be like to have even a fraction of that passion on him, in a way that was less arguing a point and more driving him to the brink over and over again until they both expired from the exhaustion that only came from a mind-blowing orgasm.

Pez turns towards him, so Henry is forced to look at him as he speaks, “I mean, how is it that the two of you spent over a month and a half practically living in each other’s pockets, and you still have no idea how that boy feels about you. Sometimes I wonder how you can be so completely daft when it comes to matters of the heart.”

“It felt like you hated me last year the way you took every moment to be a right prat. When we returned this year, it seemed like whatever I had done to make you hate me didn’t matter anymore. Then, when you came that first night to the library, and we continued to meet up here, I started to wonder if we could actually be friends. I had this plan to become your friend and –“

so now my turn to tag -

@adreamareads your 3 words are: bite, park, and show.

[h3lloyou]

hehehh</3- I just want to make my friends FEEL appreciated and also just I feel that passion for people sometime that I can't just be cutting at expressing with words. And when I had obsessions, I go at it worse than this everytime. Admittedly I went too hard at it so now I feel a bit less like doing it but yk, the unstoppable urge to produce ieuehfhdjs but I'm on a vacation rn/j. It'd take much of my time but it can also be because they inspire me, and it's pleasant receiving their praise and seeing someone happier. Also Big Yes on codependency ugh and just feeling like it's never enough even when it's already insane amount xd. and sometimes appreciation from art you make is most the appreciation you get with some [not recc'ed ppl, just begin killing].

I'd like your thoughts on one of these three so maybe the day I'd DM you I can send the doc haha. thank you for the hype that's nice to hear. I'd love to hear about any of the OCs you worked on or are working on in depth too. It feels great getting to talk abt OCs maybe you'd feel the same. Every OC haver has The Reoccuring Themes etc.

wa Kody is such a good name and Teedy's so cute. It'd be endearing they have a little part of a friend put in their identity like this.

Sorry to hear you've felt disheartened. Every intense person out there deserves the same amount of care they'd give without even beginning to go about it. Can only hope someday people like this get the treatment they deserve. Can relate that's why I'm in this kind of space

- 🕷️🪽

I LOVEE GETTING ATTENTION AND PRAISE FROM MY FRIENDS. i will do anything for them if it meant they are happy. I could meet someone yesterday and start sobbing my eyes out if i make them upset or angry with me if i get too attached. I need them to want me always. And its even better if they feel the same way!! I need someone as codependent as i am but doesnt live too far away for us to have miscommunication issues with time zones. I hate when that happens. Even 4 hours is too much of a time difference for me to properly handle in a romantic or flirty relationship. Ugh. That might just be from previous experiences though.

i have so many opinions always i will happily tell you what i think and give you criticism with no malice behind it. I think people who i like should have their art always appreciated by me or by everyone. My friends deserve all the praise they should get.

Theyre very cute names!! Its funny because i originally designed teddy to be this cryptid, but now they are just a silly guy who got better and moved on from toxic relationships. Theyre happy and have so much love!! They definitely represent the relationship trauma and manic side of my life experiences.

as for Kody, it was either between that or something else. Carter i believe. He adore his friends and is very resilient. Its funny that i made them in a very cyberpunk world, considering i never liked worlds such as those very much. Especially in anime and manga or other tv shows. I guess futuristic games i can handle better. But i havent tried many. Maybe ill look into that cyberpunk game LMAOO, who would have thought.

i had some old ocs that was based on more traditonal, non futuristic stuff. Mostly a different timeline where technology didnt evolve as much as compared to modern timelines. More gods and monsters rather than robots. But i scrapped them long ago.

All intense people should find someone as equally intense as they are. I hope no one would ever lie to another about this

[dancingafterdark]

this is more a reminder to myself that i’m throwing out into the void than anything that i intend to be inspirational, a thinly-veiled vent, if you will:

sometimes i can’t help but feel guilty that i’m falling behind on all my creative projects — my writing, my art, whether it be fandom-related or personal, and i think that’s both to do with general burnout and this grind culture that makes it hard to keep up if you don’t dedicate yourself to staying at top at all times.

then i have stop, take a breather, and put it into perspective a bit: no, i can’t keep up — burnout is a real thing that will sneak up on you when you least expect it, and i am a full-time student already struggling to get by each day with untreated ON and only one mostly functional eye, on top of my other health conditions and stressors. but that doesn’t mean the passion won’t die out entirely, not when my head is constantly set to burst with ideas new and old: i have been working on a novel for over ten years now. somedays, my interest will wane and for a time — after i had been working on my manuscript exclusively for months for my creative writing seminar — i exited out of the doc didn’t touch it for almost an entire year. i was exhausted and even glancing at a project that i had once poured hours into, meticulously crafting my plots and characters i still hold near and dear to my heart, intimidated me more than speaking in front of a full house — and my anxiety gets so bad that sometimes opening my email spurs panic attacks. it’s not like i hated writing now, i was just tired; so i gave myself a much needed break for as long as my brain deemed necessary and redirected my energy towards new projects — new stories, new hyperfixations, new toy boxes to play with. i’ve recently returned to that manuscript and revisiting all my darling has never felt more refreshing, although i’ve been spreading my attention across different projects as opposed to focusing all my attention on one core idea until i wring myself dry so that i don’t repeat my mistakes.

don’t feel guilty if you can’t keep up, me, because you can’t — sometimes you lose that spark, sometimes you have to prioritize your physical and mental well-being — but that’s okay because you have all the time in the world. what’s the fucking rush, me? you are not a machine, you are not pumping out a product on an assembly line; you are creating because it makes you happy, and what you create, no matter how niche, will make someone, somewhere, happy too — for a time — and even if that someone loses interest in what you create because they too are not a mindless sycophant that exists only to consume, that doesn’t mean that love never existed or is gone forever.

so what’s the fucking rush, me? go take a nap, eat some food, drink more water, go for the walk you so desperately need, pet your cat, do some chores, finish that assignment. your shit isn’t going anywhere, it’ll still be there when you return, however long that may take, i promise.