#i almost never have the media that im obsessed with enter my dreams so this made me so happy even tho it was a shitty dream like

[natduskfall]

I had my usual dream today where I return to my childhood flat except with an SSO twist

I returned to the flat where I lived as a child, and I don't fully remember what was happening but I went to the bathroom to take a shower, but suddenly Mr Sands was there in the bathroom with me and when I tried to talk to him a dialogue box popped up and it was some gibberish, almost like (translation missing).

And then I was in a hotel lobby that looked like it was in the SSO game, glass pannels looking at an empty street, the lobby was empty except for one boring desk with a person behind it. I was talking to the person, finding out that some popular singer was staying at the hotel, when suddenly next to me was Raptor, and I went "Aha, so this is where hes been!", and then Raptor was joined by the celebrity and they walked up the stairs with the red carpet up to the one room that looked like a ballroom where the celebrity had their suite. I entered the room and and Raptor said [translation missing] and then started chasing me down the stairs...

[edenvinity]

f1 hanahaki au snippet (carlos-centric)

OKAY so a bit ago i posted about a vague hanahaki au where its like carlos has hanahaki for ferrari but never really did anything with it BUT im back with a fully written snippet i did instead of sleeping !!! thank you for being my muse carlos LOL

im obsessed with the concept of hanahaki for intangible dreams SO ive released my brainrot onto you guys <3

(disclaimer: I DONT HATE FERRARI BTW they were just convenient villains 🫶)

——

hanahaki, though not commonly found in modern society, is heavily prevalent in the realm of professional sports.

youll find hundreds of failed athletes with crushed dreams who will tell you of the unspoken pills supplied to every minor league; the home remedies passed down team by team, the ones that slow the growth but can never stop the spread of roots and stems through your lungs.

there are some professional athletes who will keep bouquets of their flowers in their households as a testament to how theyve made it; others are unable to even look at the petals without tasting iron in the back of their throats.

this is no different in formula one; the ever changing nature of the sport along with the limited spots always leave some drivers in the dust, teeth stained red as they feel the weight of their dreams slowly eat away at them until they either pull themselves away or fall out of love with the sport completely.

carlos never thought that hed be one of them.

as the son of carlos sainz sr, rally champion, racing ran in his blood. from the moment he was old enough to get in a kart he was obsessed, and knew that he would be chasing this high for the rest of his life.

and so he did. carlos climbed and clawed his way through the different levels, hunting down positions and points in pursuit of more time on the track, more time among the barriers and burning rubber. until his name was no longer his fathers, but a force in its own right.

and when he signs the dotted line that will bind him to ferrari, he feels his chest swell with the knowledge that he will be driving for the team that everyone dreams of.

——

it starts as a tickle in the back of his throat. a little discomfort that pops up when the team seems to ignore him at meetings, glossing over his suggestions for strategy and instead focusing on the aspects of his drive that could be improved. pops up when he hears the comments from the italian media, comparisons to charles.

and. well.

he knew charles was always going to be the first driver. that the tifosi would always have high expectations for him as the teammate to their il predestinato. so he buys cough drops and clears his throat and ignores how the rosso corsa doesnt quite settle comfortably over his shoulders.

——

it becomes harder to ignore through the 2023 season.

this year, he knows that the power dynamics are shifting. this year, carlos feels like he can fight charles and win. and he knows the team can sense it too. he can tell from the whispers that follow him after every race, building in volume as the season goes on and he places the car higher and higher in the standings and charles continues to suffer from a streak of bad luck.

but despite the tightness in his chest and the cough that lingers long enough to make rupert frown, carlos pushes forward. pushes the car to the limits until that one glorious day in singapore; where he stood on that podium and sweet taste of champange the only thing that lingered on his tongue.

he believed, for a single moment, that this would be it. the only non-redbull victory of 2023 would be enough to satisfy the tifosi, that he would finally see his love and devotion to the team returned to him. he enters the offseason dreaming of the prancing horse, of being almost able to grasp it in his hands once again.

——

carlos finds himself hunched over the sink in the bathroom, petals crawling up his throat after fred calls.

it would be stupid to say that he didnt expect it, but his father always said he trusted too much for his own good.

the call had been short and professional; barely 15 minutes where fred explained the situation, expressed his condolences, and wished him luck on his future endeavors. carlos couldnt remember a word of it.

all he could taste was the iron, overpowering any senses he had until his world was narrowed down to the crimson filling his bathroom sink and the tightness in his chest as he took rasping breaths in between bouts of petals.

there was no denying it anymore. hanahaki, the disease that he was warned continously about, that he thought he would never be touched by, had finally claimed him as a victim.

[suteshiro]

1-30 truths and 1-30 dares. ;3c

I don’t think that’s how that ask meme was supposed to work kfjvskjfv

1: (truth) Who was your first major celebrity crush? (dare) Put your music player on shuffle and post the first five songs.

Truth: Uuuh I don’t think I’ve had any celebrity crushes really?? And if I have I don’t believe I could tell you who the first one was

Dare:

-Our lady of the underground (Hadestown)

-Take me to church (Hozier)

-You spin me round (Like a record) (Ninja Sex Party cover)

-Miss Jackson (Panic! at the disco)

-Looking like this (Lyre Le Temps)

2: (truth) What’s the most embarrassing thing that’s happened to you in the past week? (dare) Refresh your dashboard and send an anonymous compliment to the person who posted whatever’s at the top of your dash.

Truth: I don’t have that much memory, pal

Dare: done!

3: (truth) What are your three favorite things about your appearance? (dare) List all nine of your tumblr crushes, and describe each blog/blogger in one word.

Truth: uuuh,,,

I think my hair looks really nice when I am able to care for it,, I also like my eyes. They’re nice. I’m very Fuzzy I like that too

Dare: I’ll be honest I looked at my tumblr crush list and didn’t recognize many of them so uuh nah

4: (truth) What is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for you? (dare) Post the oldest selfie on your camera roll.

Truth: @gaysaiyaman called me “a literal fairy of a person” once

Dare: I’m not on mobile so nah

5: (truth) If your parents knew everything you’ve ever done, what would they think is the worst thing? (dare) Tag the three nonmutuals you admire most.

Truth: I don’t wanna think about that,,

Dare: uuuh @biteghostblogs @tiarasnteakettles I can’t think of anyone else..

6: (truth) What is the last thing you purchased? (dare) Tag three people you’ve thirst followed.

Truth: Really nice pens!!!! I love them!!!!!!!

Dare: I’ve never thirst followed anyone skjvnskvf

7: (truth) How many hours did you sleep last night? (dare) Send an anonymous compliment to the last person who followed you.

Truth: Like 6?

Dare: done

8: (truth) If you could go on a date with any of your mutuals, who would it be and what would you do? (dare) Send an anonymous compliment to one of your four “Biggest Fans” on tumblr.

Truth: I don’t wanna answer that

Dare: done

9: (truth) How did you meet your best friend? (dare) Refresh your dashboard. Open the blog of the person who posted whatever’s at the top of your dash. Reblog their most recent selfie.

Truth: @feycreature messaged me bc I’d reblogged pictures of his ocs and he was like “oh wow”

Dare: she doesn’t have a selfie tag so f

10: (truth) What was your favorite band five years ago? (dare) Tag a blog that posts very different content from yours, but that you couldn’t imagine not following.

Truth: Bold of you to assume I know who I was five years ago?? Let’s say Evanescence

Dare: @araeph

11: (truth) Where did you get each article of clothing you’re wearing right now? (dare) Pick up the closest book to you. Turn to page 39 and copy down line 7.

Truth: Literally all of them were gifts

Dare: “I must don my floppy ears and become their queen again”

12: (truth) What are your five favorite girls’ names and five favorite boys’ names? (dare) Copy and paste the 14th line of text from the last document you worked on in Word or Google Drive.

Truth: Aurora, Lucina, Minerva, María, Magnolia - Dante, Apollo, Ariel, Sirius, Cygnus

Dare: “Does he know what he did?”

13: (truth) What’s your most irrational fear? (dare) Tag five mutuals who take amazing selfies.

Truth: I don’t feel like saying

Dare: only one that comes to mind is @masayoshihazama. very nice selfies

14: (truth) If you could only wear one outfit for the rest of your life (consisting of clothes you already own), what would it be? (dare) Tag someone you follow who has amazing fashion sense.

Truth: dress pants. guns ‘n roses tshirt. plaid shirt on top. black shoes. hell ya

Dare: @zuramaru has rlly nice taste

15: (truth) If you could rock any unusual article of clothing/makeup technique/hairstyle, what would it be? (dare) Go to the blog of the last person you reblogged a text post from. Reblog your favorite of their selfies.

Truth: lots of lacy stuff,,,,,, those shirts that are almost transparent except for beautiful patterns that seem to just be hugging the skin,,,, really sexy

Dare: nah

16: (truth) What is your dream job? (dare) Post the four most recent pictures in your camera roll.

Truth: Writer,

Dare: Not on my phone

17: (truth) Where is the last place you went that took over two hours to get to? (dare) Post screenshots of your phone’s lock screen and home screen.

Truth: my familys place,,,,,, terrible

Dare:

im maybe a little in love

18: (truth) How old were you when you had your first kiss? If you haven’t had it yet, how old do you want to be? (dare) Go to the last app/tab you opened. Post a screenshot.

Truth: i haven’t yet, and uuuh. part of me wants to be kissed Right Now, part of me isnt particularly interested

Dare: 

Pressed enter a bunch until everything looked blank bc thats Spoilery Writing but ya i was writing a thing for a character

19: (truth) What is the first thing you remember having to keep secret? (dare) Tag five bloggers who you associate with being obsessed with something particular, and list what each of them is obsessed with.

Truth: I don’t remember Shit

Dare: @gaysaiyaman keeps putting 10 posts in a row in my dash of whatever the interest of the Moment is and @the-carmevore and i are Same Hyperfixation mood with a campaign we’re in

20: (truth) What does your bedroom look like? (dare) Take one selfie and post it. You only get one shot! (No old selfies or retrying, even if you think you look bad)

Truth: It’s a bit messy ngl,, 

Dare: Nah

21: (truth) What three fictional characters would you most like to meet? (dare) Write your name down on a piece of paper and draw a quick picture of yourself. Take a photo of it and post it.

Truth: all I can think about rn is my oc Ruby

Dare: Not feeling up to anything with pictures bc that implies phone usage

22: (truth) What are three things you’re looking forward to? (dare) Tag the last three people you reblogged posts from, and estimate how many followers they have.

Truth: I’m not feeling really like looking forward to anything rn,, got really depressed all of a sudden

Dare: nah

23: (truth) What are your three biggest turn ons, and your three biggest turn offs? (dare) Put your music player on shuffle. Without actually listening to it, write the lyrics to the chorus of the first song.

Truth: I don’t feel like giving too much information to unsuspecting people but like if ur curious and wanna dm me or ask privately im not a secretive person

Dare: “Freeze your brain / Swim in the ice, get lost in the pain / Happiness comes when everything numbs / Who needs cocaine? / Freeze your brain”

24: (truth) If you could only own five material objects (not counting life necessities like food/water/a house/etc) what would they be? (dare) Put your music player on shuffle. Post what the first three songs are, and for each one, tag a blog that the song reminds you of.

Truth: Computer, phone, im gonna put stationery all in one category, controller, ps4

Dare: Nah

25: (truth) What is the last thing you lied about? (dare) Tag three people you want to know better and ask them each three questions about themselves.

Truth: I don’t wanna talk about that!

Dare: nah

26: (truth) What’s the last movie you watched? (dare) Reblog the most recent of your own selfies posted on tumblr, and in the tags say two things you like about your appearance in it?

Truth: I watched like 40 minutes of The Godfather. before that I think I watched Inside Out

Dare: nah

27: (truth) What are three things you like about yourself unrelated to your appearance? (dare) Post a picture from your camera roll that you’ve been meaning to post on tumblr.

Truth: I like that I actively try to be nice,,, I like my voice,,, I uh. like that ive kept myself alive?

Dare: see above in relation to Camera Roll im a lazy bastard

28: (truth) How do you take your coffee? (dare) Post the last picture you posted on a social media platform other than tumblr.

Truth: probably cold, definitely sweetened to death, but i never take coffee by itself honestly

Dare: nah

29: (truth) What are your worst habits? (dare) Put your Top 25 Most Played songs on shuffle and list the first five.

Truth: not a habit by itself but rather my inability to form positive habits and try to take control of my life and do the things i wanna do,, ya

30: (truth) What is the last thing you did that you have to keep secret from someone? Who do you have to keep it secret from? (dare) Tag five blogs with great URLs.

Truth: I’m keeping a Bunch of secrets bc dnd. mostly from @the-carmevore bc Sovereign Stars,, Control

Dare: @vampfucker666 @masayoshihazama @feycreature uuuuh ill leave that there

[kj-nixon]

happy v day

On any other day, it would be nearly impossible to wake KJ up before 10am. You would have to fire a gun next to her. It was actually a major concern of her family’s, but she had always been more of a night owl than an early bird.

But today was Valentine’s Day. And this year she was going to do something fantastic for Hunter.

Last night, she had stolen his Apple Watch after he had fallen asleep and set the alarm to vibrate on her wrist at 7. She hated the thing because she felt the radiation from it would lead to arthritis. Bailey had tried to explain that that wasn’t how arthritis worked, but KJ was still skeptical. Regardless, it was the only way she could think of setting an alarm without also waking up Hunter.

God damn, 7am. Any later and Hunter would probably wake up on his own and ruin the surprise. Why did he have to be such an adult?

KJ grinned at that. That’s why she loved him.

As gracefully as she could manage, which wasn’t all that graceful if you knew KJ, she slipped out of their queen sized bed and tip toed to the kitchen. Their apartment was more of an open loft. A giant, brick square with only the bedroom and tiny bath distorting the shape by jutting out to the side. Looking at the floor plan, she had never quite been able to figure out how it interlinked with the other apartments, but really, did it matter? It suited them perfectly. The kitchen was as much a part of the living room as it was the dining room.

Open concept, open vibes.

They had it decorated as some combination of industrial modern and cozy, and the kitchen was pretty much the same. The tricky part was that KJ so rarely actually opened their cabinets that it took her a few attempts to find the pans she needed. Eventually, though, she got the bacon onto the gas stove and started on making breakfast in bed.

Hunter was, hands down, the best thing to happen to her. She knew she said it a lot, but it was just facts. Without him, she would probably be chasing yet another degree that she wouldn’t complete. He rescued her. Of course, he’d never admit it, but KJ and her siblings knew that she was kind of worthless without him.

And she was worthless, no doubt about it. Worthless against conventional standards. She couldn’t keep a job, her temper kept her from really being too great a people person, and without help her living space would be a dump. But she thrived in a space where you could let her be expressive, and Hunter provided her that. He encouraged her to be as creative and goofy and obnoxious as she wanted. And, somehow, they had figured out how to monetize it online. The cookie crumbled perfectly in that way.

She wanted to get lost in all the different ways she loved him, but it was almost impossible to actually start a list. Because as soon as she thought of one detail, it was almost immediately replaced and forgotten with another. He was just.... her world. She was obsessed with him. And she was pretty sure he was equally obsessed with her.

She assumed. She hoped.

KJ wasn’t actually a secure person. Some would even dare to call her insecure. And she felt justified in her anxiousness. Comparing herself to others was one of her most developed skills, and she never could measure up. So, if by some chance a girl who was just as pretty as she was, but twice as responsible came along, was there really any doubting that Hunter would take an interest? He was actually the perfect, functioning adult. One day he’d realize he was tired of babysitting a grown child. She just hoped it was on his death bed. Because KJ quite actually couldn’t live without him.

They’d be together forever if she had any say. And if you know any Faline, they have a lot to say.

And so what if they weren’t legally linked? KJ loved being with him no matter what. Did she sometimes dream about having the big wedding? Sure. Did she ever wonder if he even thought about asking her to get married? Yeah. Was she kind of concerned that he hadn’t asked yet because he didn’t want to permanently link himself to her in such a way that it would be difficult to leave her when he was ready? Who the fuck asked you?!

KJ’s brain snapped back to the kitchen when she smelled the smoke. While zoning out, she had splashed bacon grease onto the range and started a fire. Fucking ADHD.

What were you supposed to use on a grease fire again? All she could remember was not water, but she needed to put it out before the alarms went off and woke Hunter up.

Um.

Ummmm.

Flour!

Kj had no idea where they kept flour, or if they even had it, but the pancake mix sitting on the counter was the next best thing. Without giving herself a moment to second guess it, she dumped the box of powder onto the stove.

Well... on the stove, in the pan, and on the floor, technically.

She stared at it, willing it to not be all over the place. But, alas, there it was.

Kayla Jane, you’re an idiot.

But at least the apartment wasn’t up in flames.

Sighing, she dropped the empty box on the counter and skated to the corner deigned the living room in her socks. Her sleep tank and shorts were covered in mix now, but when was she ever put together? KJ picked up her phone and quickly ordered Postmates from their favorite diner, like the proper millennial she was. Should’ve done it in the first place, but she wanted to be romantic.

The second phase of the morning was cute enough anyway. It didn’t take her long to get her computer hooked up to their TV and get started on touching up the final bits of editing for her next video. KJ had become pretty savvy with anything techy since her career on YouTube took off. Not that she understood a single thing about engineering or how any of the machines actually functioned, but she could put it all together and operate it pretty easily if you gave her twenty minutes and a 5 Hour Energy to figure it out.

The doorbell rang and she ran to grab their food, knowing full well that he’d definitely get up for that. If he hadn’t smelled the smoke already.

Sure enough, Hunter stepped out of their room just as she finished unpacking their breakfast. KJ would never get over how insanely tall and good looking he was. Like, it wasn’t even fair.

But she sure did appreciate having the injustice in her bed.

He smiled at her and chuckled, probably laughing at how messy she was.

“Don’t go to the kitchen,” she warned, pointing a finger at him threateningly.

“It kind of smells like I should,” he replied.

“You absolutely should not. You should come kiss me and get your present instead.”

“That does sound much more pleasant.”

He graciously leaned down so she could stand on her toes and give him a peck on the mouth. She guided him to sit in front of the television and placed his food in front of him. “Happy Valentine’s Day, baby.”

“Happy Valentine’s Day, sunshine.”

Patience wasn’t really a Faline trait either, so she only gave him enough time to take two bites of food before she climbed into his lap and face the TV. “Okay, I made something.”

“You did? For me?”

“For you.”

“I’m touched.”

“You will be.”

“So will you.” He winked.

She licked his cheek. Then she pressed the enter key on her keyboard.

The video went live on her channel. A shaky close up of Hunter’s forehead came on screen. You could hear KJ’s laughter over the speakers as the camera zoomed out and you were able to see the picnic set up from one of their earliest dates. Minute by minute, the video played through a compilation of vlogs from the last four years of their relationship. Some were of their travel adventures, others were at home where Hunter was obviously unaware that she wasn’t filming. Two consisted of KJ being home alone, lamenting her state of abandonment while Hunter was on a business trip. Every clip, every piece, was carefully chosen to show how perfect they were.

KJ had been on social media for the last three years, but she had never made her relationship public to her audience. Anything regarding Hunter was posted to her private accounts that only friends and family could see. Even her family was often used as clickbait. But Hunter had been reserved as a secret, or marketed as just a friend. And she had never quite been able to explain why.

Part of it had been that she was afraid of karma. If she put them out their publicly, then maybe they’d break up and she’d have to announce to the world that she was alone and her person had left her. Or maybe it was because she was selfish and didn’t want him to get any attention outside of her (and Simon.)

But, around Christmas, she had decided that she wanted the entire planet to know how mad she was for her. She wanted her audience, people she loved and was inspired by, to see how lucky she was.

And she would cut any bitch who tried to bat a single eyelash at him.

The video was only about five minutes long, nowhere near the length of her usual challenges and vlog segments, but there was four years of love pieced throughout it. And she prayed to the universe that he got the bigger picture.

That she loved him more than anything on the entire planet.

It ended and she stretched her head back to see his expression, a proud smile on her face. For a moment, he just continued staring at the screen.

She knew it would take a moment to buffer in his brain. They had discussed forever ago that they’d never go public and he was okay with that. Hunter had never cared one way or the other, but KJ had insisted.

Now...

He looked down at her and she saw his blue eyes glisten. It made her smile wider. He was such an emotional tall man.

Climbing around to wrap her arms and legs around him, she sat up to look him directly in the face. “You’re my person. I’ve staked my claim across the globe now. So if any skanks try to make a move on you while you’re wherever your stupid job sends you, you now have live proof to show them that I will hunt them down and burn their eyebrows off.”

“Oh, it’ll have them and their eyebrows shaking in their kitten heels.” He grinned.

She kissed him. Hard.

“I love you, Green Giant.”

“I love you too, Thumbilina.”

KJ tucked her head into the crook of his neck and gave a happy sigh.

“So... What did you burn?”

“Oh my god, SHUT UP!”

[borntoslay]

I MEANT TO WRITE + POST THIS IN SEPTEMBER 2016 SO IT WOULD BE A YEARLY CHECK-IN, SINCE THE LAST ONE I DID WAS SEPTEMBER 2015, AND THE ONE BEFORE THAT WAS SEPTEMBER 2014... BUT I WAS REALLY BUSY SO HEAr we go:

When we last left off (September 2015), I had JUST starting my 4th album, “Better,” written in the wake of realizing I had fallen into depression again! I was scared and confused, but above all else, I was MAD that this was happening AGAIN. It seemed like literally every single year around the same time, I would always just accidentally slip into a minor-moderate depression, and have to spend the rest of the year clawing my way out... (it was only in late 2016 that I realized it is probably SEASONAL depression... like... DUH...)

Enter “Better,” an album literally written to pull me out!

(disclaimer: again, not a singer, just someone who writes songs as a hobby + likes to sInG LOL! Bolded lyrics are the ones that are featured in the following video)

00:00 – BETTER

00:53 – BLOOM

01:53 – MASC 4 MASC

 / / / / – BRAVO

03:51 – Y.A.S. (YOU AIN'T SHIT)

05:02 – WITH YOU

 / / / / – #TOOMUCH

05:59 – I'M OVER IT

07:50 – GET OFF YOUR PHONE, BITCH!

10:58 – I'M NOT THE ONE

BETTER

The first track, Better, was done in like, 20 minutes, the very first night I realized what was happening back in August 2015. I already posted the full thing that week, but I’ve included the best bits in the above video.

Based off of Bleachers’ I Wanna Get Better, obviously

It’s been day-in, day-out, another drama I’ve been hiding out under the covers Let it go, professional, you’re flexible, incredible, and unforgettable I haven’t been on the weather lately As people go, and the times are changing And I don’t feel like a winner (I wanna get better!) / But it’s such a pain, when it’s all been stuck the same And my fears are rising, but still, I try not to let them get to me / Guess when depression’s in question I just invest in expression Turn heartache into a lesson It’s your discretion to say: I WANNA GET BETTER!

BLOOM

This song was written the same week in August 2015 after having recently reconnected with several people I had met back in 2011; 3 of which had all, separately, told me things along the lines of “I can see you are BLOSSOMING!” and “You really are BLOOMING!”

I’ve always known that I do take a little more time than others to do most things, but it was during that month that I really started to realize that I am a late-bloomer—and that’s ok!

BLOOM was based off of a K-pop song some of y’all may know. I don’t listen to K-pop because I don’t understand any of it, so I tried my hand at writing over this fun instrumental. What I like to do is pull instrumentals of moderately popular songs I’ve never heard before, write my own lyrics + melody over it, and then when I’m finally done with mine, I give the “real” version a listen. In some cases, I feel I have outdone the original, but in this case, I think the original was way better, even without being able to understand it! LOL But I also like what I did with it, too.

My roots have always been a little too sheltered, It didn’t matter if the rain ever came. Not always Great, but I was born Alexander, Wondering how I would live up to my name

And though it took a little while, people compliment my smile and the things that’d get me labeled as “strange” So now I’m planted and a little self-centered with barely any room to re-renovate

Cuz when I do, all of you will direct me to Some other thing I’m not winning Say what you may, but I’m Born To Slay Impossibly From beginning, to the end, But I guess that I missed why You dismissed my assistance’swhy Deep inside me wants to try be Something shiny and now I’m ready to bloom

Don’t assume  I’m too stubborn for this cuz I’m Not a prude,  I just Never Been Kissed and I never knew what the hell I was missing

Combined with why I wanna try To find a guy To enterprise A YOLO mentality So I can gro-ow substatially I know my show’s been a tragedy Cuz I was just a little late to bloom

Don’t get stressed about it, just aim to try Plant the seeds and weed Parasites And set your sights higher Remain inspired Let the spotlight ignite your desires

And rise from the soil Cuz you’re in control Just follow your dreams And reap what you sow

/

I just tried it A little too slowly And I’ll be The first to admit I’m still growing

Nobody can take what you’re taking the time to Outwardly reshape what’s mistaken inside you So don’t hesitate when your greatness is valued And don’t let a date, or a lack thereof undo your bloom

/

Some things are better faster And others take longer to master In which case it’s better late than never So do whatever it takes to be Better

MASC 4 MASC

This is one of the only songs I have ever publicly posted in full, during the week I wrote it. This song literally just CAME to me the week I joined Tinder/Grindr, as I hopelessly scrolled through all of the depressingly bleak profiles and saw the amount of self-hate everyone seemed to have while still managing to like themselves enough to be looking for hookups with strangers. I laid down to take a nap and within the first 15 seconds of lying down, I just heard a lingering voice in my head say “Looking.... Are you looking...?” Shot my ass up, wrote + recorded the whole song in about an hour, and posted it.

Based on C2C,  O B V I O U S L Y !

I’ve changed some of it since that post, and most of those changes are in the above video.

Looking Are you looking Looking out to find a dick to fill your ass? While excluding any asians, fems, or fats Cuz you’re limited to looking Masc4masc

Looking I am looking But I never seem to get a second glance Every gay man never seems to take a chance Cuz they’re limited to looking Masc4masc

Oh, I love my Lady Gaga You could say that I’m a stan But that always seems to stop ‘em when they’re looking masc4masc

And I’m not into straight-acting Cuz I’m proud of who I am But my sisters know that cis-men only look for masc for masc

I’m a catch Too bad you won’t ever see What it’s like to be With someone like me

Cuz you’re Looking Yeah, you’re looking Only looking cuz you’re tired of your hand But you’ll never find “The One” in “one night stand” Cuz you’re limited to looking Masc 4 Masc

Picky You’re so picky Use your preferences to mask your prejudice You want a guy to come around And you get mad when you don’t find ‘im

But we all know That you were never really looking for anything other than a reflection fitting your narrow mind

It’s a shame You’re gay but you’ll never try Try dating outside of muscled and white

Cuz you’re looking Yeah, you’re looking Looking out to find a dick to fill your ass But you’ll never really find your happiness

Cuz you’re hypocritical and Self-hating and fuckin’ Limited to looking Masc 4 Masc

You’re the bottom I’m not into Fucking around with the Shallow ass that you got #Thot

BRAVO

Thanks to Tinder, I had my VERY first date EVER (at age 23!) back in November 2015 with a very nice gentleman who was ALSO an artist, and mutually supportive of ALL of my art forms—my digital painting, my traditional painting, even painting my face! We had a sweet dinner, and then... I never heard from him again!

Bravo was, in some ways, referencing Applause, in the idea that although I would have loved to be with him, I did not need his support (or, “bravo”) if he didn’t want to be with me. (His name also rhymed with the word “bravo” lol). I Will Survive is also referenced because... duh!

I didn’t include a snippet in the video because it’s obviously a really personal song, so the personal meaning is MUCH stronger than the execution LOL

Guess I’m never certain who wants to curtain-pull As my bravo  [meaning, who wants to be there for me at the end] My ******o [his name]

/

At first I was afraid, it took all of me To realize I would still survive without your artistry I could Paint The Night Away, standing tall without a change And I grew strong, ‘cause you won’t get to me today!

/

Yeah, you’re an actor; you made me believe That you would want a girl who keeps her heart on her sleeve But I’m a master of making them leave; The only thing you got away with’s carrying out my routine

/

I’m lonely, but like a flower bouquet I’d rather not be picked at all if I’ll just wither away

/

One second I’ll be waiting, suddenly the weight is me I don’t need you in my heart, And I do not need ****i [his nickname]

Y.A.S. (You Ain’t Shit)

(Created on one of my go-to beat-maker’s beats!)

Post-2013, my goal with writing my music has never been to write a “hit” or anything super commercial or anything for anyone else to consume (especially since I stopped posting + sharing my music altogether, so anything I write is literally JUST for me!)... however, after I came up with this title, this song was to be my MOMENT.

The first verse plays off the mythology of the “YAS,” with Gaga being clamored by the paparazzi and her screaming fans, being a metaphor for all my photos and the attention I was getting on social media from a guy I was talking to and had plans to date almost weekly between September 2015 and December 2015, but never did. As the song goes, I didn’t feel like he was reciprocating the thoughts + feelings I had for him, (“so there goes that potential date”) but whenever I would post something on Instagram, he would like it IMMEDIATELY, and then literally go all the way back YEARS into my posts, and start liking all of my old selfies, my old artwork, EVERYTHING. “When I’m Instagramming, you spam me, and we never even met yet.”

The line about “receipts” is about me screencapping every piece of dialogue I have and sending it to my hunties to help me figure out if this guy even liked me! The line “On to the next one” was told to me when one of those friends saw the receipts and really didn’t think that this guy was interested (and he was right! We’ll get to this part of the story later...)

Cameras are flashin’ And I can’t imagine It any other way I’m not into fashion But I’m so obsessed with You looking in my way

And I’m like, Buzz-buzz, ho! [I used to say this as I was waiting for Grindr messages] Hey, don’t you know I’m tired of getting old alone And I just wanna find a man Who really understands

And I don’t feel that reciprocation So there goes that potential date but When I’m Instagramming You spam me And we’ve never even met yet (YAS)

You Ain’t Shit You’ll never get with this You’re such a tragedy, And the gravity of the sit. is in The way your basic ass Is making me swipe left You ain’t shit On to the next one

You Ain’t Shit You’ll never be victorious Just a B.S. masterpiece But I’m pulling at your seams and You’re even less than what you seem

I know ur trying hard 2 Outshine me, but I’m a star U R an asteroid and coming forth [he is to be a huge part of my life] But I glow in the dark [but I’ll always be special with or without him]

U can’t stand next 2 me, U C, I Can’t keep sending these receipts, Y can’t U text me W/o the sexting [not about him, but about Tinder/Grindr in general] Ur making me wanna scream

(Y.A.S.!)

/

I always think that you’re the one But just as quickly as it comes You Ain’t Shit On to the next one

WITH YOU

I wrote this in November of 2015, and it’s one of the most personal + vulnerable things I’ve ever created. I think this song is the absolute hardest to listen to of anything I’ve ever written because whenever I hear it, I almost immediately fall right into the mindset I had while writing it. It’s about trying your hardest to see a really powerful friendship through, while realizing that as you’ve been trying to help him be “happy again,” you yourself aren’t very happy anymore, either.

/

Hey Don’t cry I know that you don’t need me in your life

But I’ll stay Cuz I Know you’re scared to know you’re always on my mind

And I’m gonna live like this forever Or at least until you’re Better

Cuz when I’m with you I can see the sadness in your eyes But you smile when I smile So it’s nice to know that you’re fine again

When I’m with you I can feel the colors all around And I miss the way it used to be Cuz I’m dying to be happy again

#TOOMUCH

You keep me close, then you let me go, Say you need me then treat me like garbage But I’m not your bitch, And I’m sick of picking up and paying for empty luggage

I’M OVER IT

This song ended up being what Y.A.S. was supposed to be: it’s fun, it’s written well, and as if that wasn’t enough, I also produced the entire thing! It’s a song collectively about all 4 of the guys I went on dates with or even seriously talked to between late 2015–early 2016, but was specifically written about 2 dates I had in particular in January 2016...

Because I’m a FREAK, I literally record all of my first dates (in the event that that person ends up being THE ONE, so I could play it back at our 25-year vow renewal ceremony... Also because I just have a bad memory and wanted to take notes like in class LOL. So basically, less than mid-way through both of these January 2016 dates, while the other guy was preoccupied or in a different room, I mumbled into my phone “... yeah........ i’m over it............................” In fact, after the date with the Y.A.S. guy, I got in my car and recorded what became the chorus to this song.

All the clips in the above video are of me before all 4 of my first dates; the 5th one is of the only SECOND date I went on LOL! More on him in the next album...

You watch me as I’m walkin’ on by And I scream, but I keep it inside I’m sweet and a creeper, a bonafide keeper And you’re really lookin’ my type

I bite my lip as I’m writin’ to ya And sweat when I try to pursue ya But my first dates never leave the home plate So I’m safe not trying to reproduce

You can seduce me a little if you want I’m a little iffy but Not afraid to get what I want And you’re the one I want Like Travolta And I can play the part Like a Mozart

So I make the most of our time You got me at my prime As you rolled out of bed Looking lazy

Said you wanna do it again I said maybe, But in my head, I’m like, “baby, you’re crazy, ‘cause I said—

Ooh, I’m over it Not interested and Ooh, I can’t pretend You’re not overplayed and Ooh, you’re overrated But I can’t complain Cuz you ain’t worth the time of day I’m over it and on my way

You said you wanna meet up But don’t put your feet up yet Don’t get comfortable Fake ham, fake cheese, so Lunchable  And I ain’t fighting, don’t want your bull [I LOVE THESE LINES]

But irresponsibly, I agree to meet you And when the day comes you’re silent You can apologize But you’re wasting your time It’s already been decided I guess Ooh, I’m over it

/

Baby baby I’m over it now Took time but I came to find you’re subar And I’m sobering down No crying when I say goodbye, cuz it’s over

You’re overrated I can’t complain Cuz you never meant a thing to me I’m racking my brain Cuz I can’t believe that I Even bothered trying to meet you

'Cause baby you had your chance, But you blew it I won’t second-guess Cuz I knew it I decided while driving in on the first date You weren’t great And I coped with it

So I bit my tongue Tried to have fun But you weren’t the one And I moved on Don’t need YOU What u gon DO When you send a text but I’m over it, BOO?

GET OFF YOUR PHONE, BITCH!

I also produced this entire song myself, though some of it it sounded a lot like You Know I’m No Good by Amy Winehouse, so I make reference to it in the end.

Parts of this song are about a particular person + incidents I had with him, but for the most part, it’s about a lot of people and situations in general. For example, one of my dates was on his phone for work. Understandable. One of my dates was on his phone scrolling through Instagram while I was talking. Not so understandable. When I’m talking to a friend in the car, I don’t even touch my phone. When I’m at dinner with friends or lunch with coworkers, I ALWAYS put my phone away. Scrolling through social media when someone is right next to you is insulting! So much so that I wrote a fucking song about it.

Hey You called about way too late I’m finally unafraid To say that I’m already home right now, so go figure it out

I’m not made To wait on your ass all day I’m free of that brown nose stain

I know it’s not my duty I’m putting down my phone like I’m about to watch a movie

It’s not OK When you are LOOKING At someone’s PHOTOS For that like BUTTON A millennial cliché And you aren’t even listening to me,

Look at ME And how you never answer ME If you’re always on your phone?

I can see it so hell, I assume you know well And you’re ready for what Imma say, OK:

Get off your phone, bitch! Listen when I'm talking I'm calling you out I know it isn’t that impossible following Conversation I’ve been patient I’ve been feeling alone Cuz you’re always on your Fucking phone, bitch! Introversion ain’t that cute I know you manage Speaking and I ain’t that stupid And you know it Don’t condone it So fucking press Log Out And put that finger down Get off your phone bitch

I’m not waiting for that SMS And I guess that The best you got Ain’t a lot No question

I rest on pretty You awake and trying And in a video I stay outshining And in a room Crowded front to back Side to side I do make the room light up systemizingly-so I said it before I’m Born To Slay, what’chu here for?

Information age is the present And I get it, and know it won’t change And I’m hesitant to let it You wanna look at screens? You can FaceTime You wanna be with me? You can make time You wanna be with me? Put your phone down I’ll give you the third degree if I’m snowed out

Fuck that misty eye Kiss that bitch goodbye I got bigger fish to fry

I said, I’m all for being cheesy But I'm lactose intolerant When the girls I be following Share their lives like an ottoman Sectionally displaying [an ottoman is a couch that can be displayed in sections] Whether the moment's a monument Blowing smoke up their confidence While my belly is bubbling

I don't like being hollered at If I'm just gonna be ignored 'Cause trust me, you need it more Like that hat you can't afford I'm an image of an winner, while you're out trynna score But you're boring, baby I don't wanna play anymore

/

Met you outside, by my parking stall You start your phone up as I start my car I said “What did you do at work today?” And wait in silence as you scroll away...

So I confess like a pretzel, [this is an inside joke] I think, “I can’t believe you’re an asshole” By the time I take you home, I’m pressed as hell, only heaven knows—

I don’t give a fuck ‘Bout your busted shoe I told you get off your phone, bitch And now, I’m off of you

I’M NOT THE ONE

Continuing my exercise of writing over songs/verses I felt were badly written, I wrote over the first verse of Meghan “you really think I can be replaced, nah, I’m come from outerspace” Trainor’s Lips Are Moving, and this is, I think, the best verse I have ever written! It’s sassy, it’s concise, and it’s catchy as HELL!

This is about all the guys on the dating apps that you thought had potential, but, for whatever reason, end up not responding to your messages until they’re bored/horny again.

The title, “I’m not the one” goes both ways, in Alyssa’s context, I’m saying “you pissed off the wrong bitch,” but in my own context, I’m saying that as these guys aren’t made for me, I, too, am not “the one.”

I seen that read receipt and I know That you ain’t meant for me Survival of the fittest In the Guinness book you’re best at being the biggest douche and I guess that

You f-ed it up: RuPaul Cuz when you’re alone you call

But I don’t fuck with you Had enough And you ain’t enough to get off to

Thought you could be the one I wanted to care for That I’d try to be there for, however I’m kinda getting tired of your piles of bullshit And I don’t need you, so, whatever

I’m getting tired Of all your bullshit Tell me, do you think I’m dumb?

Down to the wire, You’re fucking useless Don’t you try to try me I’m not the one!

Get out my face! Get off your dashboard Done with all your messing around

I said I’m tired Of all your bullshit Baby baby, I’m not the one/

You’re fucking stupid You’re fucking useless Sick of your bullshit And I’m tired, tired, tired, baby

Honey honey, I don’t think you wanna try me I think you’re bound to find me unpleasant Oh no no no, there is no way you could ever satisfy me I’m grown and you’re so pre-pubescent

You’re such a little fuckb0i And I think I’ve had enough, I wannaToss you in the garbage disposer If you chase me imma mace you I wanna just erase you But not till you get full disclosure:

I said I’m tired Of all your bullshit (repeat)

/

Maybe you just aren’t the right one.

This is the closing piece to this album, which started and ended when I started and finished dating/trying dating apps for the first time (September 2015–August 2016). It was a fucking WEIRD time in my life! LOL Not my GREATEST album, but I like it, and there are a lot of things that I’ve learned from it. One day I’ll tell the story about the worst date in my life because I learned more from that one meeting than I have in the last 6 years! LOL

Anyway, I’m just 2 songs away from finishing my NEXT album, which has tentatively been called “SNAP.” All my “albums” have 10 tracks each, and just consist of songs written during that 1-year period. This next album is, as of right now, my favorite! I can’t wait to share Son of a Bitch and Just a Little Piece of Garbage with you guys... I think they’re both in the top 10 of the best songs I’ve ever written!!!!!

To give you an idea of how things are going so far (in comparison to my own work):

Born to Slay (February–May 2013) – 1/5 Delusional (June 2013–April 2014) – 2/5 Intelligent & Beautiful (May 2014–July 2015) – 4.5/5 Better (August 2015–September 2016) – 4/5 SNAP (August 2016–present) – 4.5/5

[420710ge-blog]

my first entry

all of these entries will be more or less stream of consciousness

Im watching queer eye. SO I felt like writing a blog and starting a blog bc im emotional and severely depressed. ( if the fab 5 could re vamp me and my life omg)

I'm trying to grasp this concept that i am 28 years old

and i STILL have no idea who the fuck I am or what the fuck am i gonna do.

what i do know is I am a single. I am straight-ish haha (no one is straight these days eff lables and gender norms) I live in a basement. The neighborhood I live in isnt the best in my opinion for me. I know I enjoy cities and hustle and bustle and noise. this area is not where i want to spend a long period of time in. I have my drivers license but dont have a car. I'm on a fixed income. I am very very poor. I've been struggling with money my whole life. My mother was struggling with money and work my whole childhood ive come to learn. i feel like my mom maybe didn't give me all the right tools i needed to make it in this world.

I'm not a good cook, but i enjoy cooking and wish I was good. I eat very unhealthy. I dont know how to shop for groceries or clothes. i eat fast food,microwaves meals and snacks, cheese and crackers, cereal, deli sandwhiches, pb & j, fruit snacks, ice tea, juice and water. (thats basically it unless i go out to eat which is bad bc i have no money for it.)

i cannot grasp the concept of money i dont know how to budget or balance a check book or keep track of spending. i need to put money a side and save and i just cant seem to do it. The money is always being used. i feel like im always in debt or owing money that i never get in front of this wave to start earning actual income every dollar i make is always spoken for and the $1 to 80 dollars that i actually get left over is for cleaning supplies hair products medication condoms tampons pads basically things i need. and im honest in saying i do spend money on food and great craft beer bc its my way of treating myself for actually making a payment or actually getting out of bed, for going hungry for a few days or for having a good mental health day.

My hobbies include filling out job applications, fighting with doctors and secretaries, bill collectors debt collect companies and creditors, watching youtube videos, vloggers and youtubers on my phone and my freinds old old laptop the basement has pretty difficult internet connection and it is freezing cold but other than that its nice it works its a place to sleep and shelter, other hobbies are watching movies and tv, and lastly SLEEP. i sleep 10-14 hours most days or i go 2 days without sleep. i am always over sleeping or i just cant turn my brain and stress and anxiety off just to shut my eyes and sleep. I almost never talk with friends or see other people or go out and hang with friends. the only times i do go out is if someone offers to pay for me or otherwise i cant.

i am addicted to social media. i cant go for more than 15 seconds without checking instrgram or snap chat or youtube or facebook. i can easily spend 11 hours going back and forth between those 4 sites. it is very bad for my mental health and its stunted my success bc i cant help but compare myself. and its vicious negative cycle that i cant seem to break.

i have to walk or use uber or lyft or public transit to get around which gets very expensive over time. walking and being out waiting for the bus or train is very triggering for my mental health. People who are fortunate to have the luxury to own or lease a car please realize the people who cannot afford a car or cannot drive for whatever reason are not second class citizens. People and humans are very nasty and rude and more terrible than youd imagine. having to walk everywhere and be in with the public as much as i have turns you into a cynical abrasive aggresive hateful and rageful person. for example a few weeks ago a car turned on the street that i was walking on and the walk sign was lit and he had a yellow switching to a red, her turned quickly to beat the light that he didnt see me or the walk sign and was inches away from me so i ran after his car and punched the shit out of the passenger window. i spazed out like that bc i had a week of walking in the freezing cold (and living in a super cold place) being rained on and splashed by the puddles being ran thru by cars, teenagers on busses making fun of me throwing things at me, people in cars yelling shit at me and the others standing at a bus bc we dont have a car and we have to wait in the cold assuming that we were all bums or homeless.

I am not happy or passionate about things i use to be obsessed with. I grew up loving comedy. stand up sketch improv.

i use to perform. i would go see it all the time it meant the world to me it is what i wanted t0 do with my life.

but now I dont and i think its was stupid. and a waste of time. same with college it was a waste of time and money to get a degree in something i have no passion about anymore. and a degree in something in which there are no jobs for you.it was terrible decision i made. one of the billions of terrible decisions i ahve made in my life

I have zero self confidence and i barely care what my appearance looks like anymore. i glance in mirrors but never really look at myself. I dont look people in the eyes anymore. I think so hard about what i am saying for i say that it comes out more often that not weird or incorrect bc i am so worried about what others are thinking about me so then that leads to me getting made fun of for how i talk or how i say things. I am always the butt of my friends jokes im always being poked fun at or pranked or messed with.

I dress like 15 year old skate kid. i have nothing that is appropriate for like an office or an audition  or job interview or business meeting or family event or a formal event or cocktail party. i dont know how to dress for my age or for my gender. 

I am super lazy and messy but i have been working on it.

i use cannabis recreationally not everyday but definitely multiple times a week. when i can afford it. it helps clear my head and use the same way a person uses a nice glass of wine at the end of a long day. i dont think its wrong or inhibiting me as a person. sometimes it even helps with motivation and helps get me out of a depressive funk.

I am severely depressed and have an anxiety disorder.

I over think about everything. i make plans and lists for every scenario that i am going to encounter on a daily basis its almost obsessive. my train of thought before entering a conversation with anyone is “do not say anything weird dont look at them for to long, dont fidget, omg what are they thining about when they are looking at me, am i ugly and i coming off as weird or immature or nervous.” 

I lost alot of very important people in my life bc of death or from people and friends and family just cutting me off and people to live the rest of their lives without me. it makes me judge and hate everyone.

I am constantly worried that i am gonna become homeless live on the streets and become a junkie. I actually think about this so so so much. i actually shocked from what i have been thru that i havent become a junkie yet.

I dont want what most white women in their late twenties want and crave. i dont relate or most girls in my age range. its hard for me to find things in common with my peers.

I dont want to buy or own a house. renting forever is fine by me

I do want to buy and own a car preferably a truck but a small suv could work too.

I dont want a family. I dont want children my own or adoptive. I dont want to live in the suburbs or in a neighborhood with tons or old people and families.

i dont want marriage i think its problematic and dumb thing to subject yourself to.

i enjoy soccer and skateboarding and true crime movies and tv shows and horror movies and tv shows.i like some funny things but its selective. i love the sims.

i want to try out living in other states in the us and maybe even try living in the uk.

if i was rich i would want 2 small apartments in central city locations on both coasts of the us one on one and one on the other. and ill use my money to travel. i am craving to travel so badly its all i have been thinking about lately. but again no funds

i want to meet someone who just totally sweeps me off my feet. somone who knows how to be a real man and real boyfriend im tired iof these boys i need a guy who calls me out on my bs, gives constructive criticism, incredibly supportive and KIND. i want our respectfulness to be at an 100%. i want to feel worshipped and adored. i want them to be succesful and be able to bring me up and boost me forward. great listener. not sleepy or annoyed very easily. insane dark weird goofy sense of humor. id love them to be outgoing and be able to command a room and be comfortable around people new and old. great sex and adventures. currently im giving my ex a chance and its prolly a terrible idea.

i want a makeover i want to learn how to dress myself correctly and figure what my style is, make money and keep money, how to cook, how to skateboard, how to surf, how to take care of my skin and my hair. I want to learn how to work out where i wont make my current ailments and injuries and medical issues flare up and put me out of business for few days. id like to have toned arms back shoulders and legs and to not be winded dont everyday tasks.

if i had to make a dream cocktail. and the final result would be the new me i would throw in the blender: confidence of a drag queen, the wit and sharp tongue of joan rivers, the comedic timing of sean hayes, riley reids sex skills, the intelligence and maturity of michelle obama, pinks hair and singing skills, kat dennings body and dgaf attitude. that would be the perfect me in my eyes.

I want to make everyone proud of me. and I want to be proud of myself. 

idk what this was but its on the internet

-GE