#i almost never have the media that im obsessed with enter my dreams so this made me so happy even tho it was a shitty dream like

[natduskfall]

I had my usual dream today where I return to my childhood flat except with an SSO twist

I returned to the flat where I lived as a child, and I don't fully remember what was happening but I went to the bathroom to take a shower, but suddenly Mr Sands was there in the bathroom with me and when I tried to talk to him a dialogue box popped up and it was some gibberish, almost like (translation missing).

And then I was in a hotel lobby that looked like it was in the SSO game, glass pannels looking at an empty street, the lobby was empty except for one boring desk with a person behind it. I was talking to the person, finding out that some popular singer was staying at the hotel, when suddenly next to me was Raptor, and I went "Aha, so this is where hes been!", and then Raptor was joined by the celebrity and they walked up the stairs with the red carpet up to the one room that looked like a ballroom where the celebrity had their suite. I entered the room and and Raptor said [translation missing] and then started chasing me down the stairs...

[edenvinity]

f1 hanahaki au snippet (carlos-centric)

OKAY so a bit ago i posted about a vague hanahaki au where its like carlos has hanahaki for ferrari but never really did anything with it BUT im back with a fully written snippet i did instead of sleeping !!! thank you for being my muse carlos LOL

im obsessed with the concept of hanahaki for intangible dreams SO ive released my brainrot onto you guys <3

(disclaimer: I DONT HATE FERRARI BTW they were just convenient villains 🫶)

——

hanahaki, though not commonly found in modern society, is heavily prevalent in the realm of professional sports.

youll find hundreds of failed athletes with crushed dreams who will tell you of the unspoken pills supplied to every minor league; the home remedies passed down team by team, the ones that slow the growth but can never stop the spread of roots and stems through your lungs.

there are some professional athletes who will keep bouquets of their flowers in their households as a testament to how theyve made it; others are unable to even look at the petals without tasting iron in the back of their throats.

this is no different in formula one; the ever changing nature of the sport along with the limited spots always leave some drivers in the dust, teeth stained red as they feel the weight of their dreams slowly eat away at them until they either pull themselves away or fall out of love with the sport completely.

carlos never thought that hed be one of them.

as the son of carlos sainz sr, rally champion, racing ran in his blood. from the moment he was old enough to get in a kart he was obsessed, and knew that he would be chasing this high for the rest of his life.

and so he did. carlos climbed and clawed his way through the different levels, hunting down positions and points in pursuit of more time on the track, more time among the barriers and burning rubber. until his name was no longer his fathers, but a force in its own right.

and when he signs the dotted line that will bind him to ferrari, he feels his chest swell with the knowledge that he will be driving for the team that everyone dreams of.

——

it starts as a tickle in the back of his throat. a little discomfort that pops up when the team seems to ignore him at meetings, glossing over his suggestions for strategy and instead focusing on the aspects of his drive that could be improved. pops up when he hears the comments from the italian media, comparisons to charles.

and. well.

he knew charles was always going to be the first driver. that the tifosi would always have high expectations for him as the teammate to their il predestinato. so he buys cough drops and clears his throat and ignores how the rosso corsa doesnt quite settle comfortably over his shoulders.

——

it becomes harder to ignore through the 2023 season.

this year, he knows that the power dynamics are shifting. this year, carlos feels like he can fight charles and win. and he knows the team can sense it too. he can tell from the whispers that follow him after every race, building in volume as the season goes on and he places the car higher and higher in the standings and charles continues to suffer from a streak of bad luck.

but despite the tightness in his chest and the cough that lingers long enough to make rupert frown, carlos pushes forward. pushes the car to the limits until that one glorious day in singapore; where he stood on that podium and sweet taste of champange the only thing that lingered on his tongue.

he believed, for a single moment, that this would be it. the only non-redbull victory of 2023 would be enough to satisfy the tifosi, that he would finally see his love and devotion to the team returned to him. he enters the offseason dreaming of the prancing horse, of being almost able to grasp it in his hands once again.

——

carlos finds himself hunched over the sink in the bathroom, petals crawling up his throat after fred calls.

it would be stupid to say that he didnt expect it, but his father always said he trusted too much for his own good.

the call had been short and professional; barely 15 minutes where fred explained the situation, expressed his condolences, and wished him luck on his future endeavors. carlos couldnt remember a word of it.

all he could taste was the iron, overpowering any senses he had until his world was narrowed down to the crimson filling his bathroom sink and the tightness in his chest as he took rasping breaths in between bouts of petals.

there was no denying it anymore. hanahaki, the disease that he was warned continously about, that he thought he would never be touched by, had finally claimed him as a victim.

[suteshiro]

1-30 truths and 1-30 dares. ;3c

I don’t think that’s how that ask meme was supposed to work kfjvskjfv

1: (truth) Who was your first major celebrity crush? (dare) Put your music player on shuffle and post the first five songs.

Truth: Uuuh I don’t think I’ve had any celebrity crushes really?? And if I have I don’t believe I could tell you who the first one was

Dare:

-Our lady of the underground (Hadestown)

-Take me to church (Hozier)

-You spin me round (Like a record) (Ninja Sex Party cover)

-Miss Jackson (Panic! at the disco)

-Looking like this (Lyre Le Temps)

2: (truth) What’s the most embarrassing thing that’s happened to you in the past week? (dare) Refresh your dashboard and send an anonymous compliment to the person who posted whatever’s at the top of your dash.

Truth: I don’t have that much memory, pal

Dare: done!

3: (truth) What are your three favorite things about your appearance? (dare) List all nine of your tumblr crushes, and describe each blog/blogger in one word.

Truth: uuuh,,,

I think my hair looks really nice when I am able to care for it,, I also like my eyes. They’re nice. I’m very Fuzzy I like that too

Dare: I’ll be honest I looked at my tumblr crush list and didn’t recognize many of them so uuh nah

4: (truth) What is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for you? (dare) Post the oldest selfie on your camera roll.

Truth: @gaysaiyaman called me “a literal fairy of a person” once

Dare: I’m not on mobile so nah

5: (truth) If your parents knew everything you’ve ever done, what would they think is the worst thing? (dare) Tag the three nonmutuals you admire most.

Truth: I don’t wanna think about that,,

Dare: uuuh @biteghostblogs @tiarasnteakettles I can’t think of anyone else..

6: (truth) What is the last thing you purchased? (dare) Tag three people you’ve thirst followed.

Truth: Really nice pens!!!! I love them!!!!!!!

Dare: I’ve never thirst followed anyone skjvnskvf

7: (truth) How many hours did you sleep last night? (dare) Send an anonymous compliment to the last person who followed you.

Truth: Like 6?

Dare: done

8: (truth) If you could go on a date with any of your mutuals, who would it be and what would you do? (dare) Send an anonymous compliment to one of your four “Biggest Fans” on tumblr.

Truth: I don’t wanna answer that

Dare: done

9: (truth) How did you meet your best friend? (dare) Refresh your dashboard. Open the blog of the person who posted whatever’s at the top of your dash. Reblog their most recent selfie.

Truth: @feycreature messaged me bc I’d reblogged pictures of his ocs and he was like “oh wow”

Dare: she doesn’t have a selfie tag so f

10: (truth) What was your favorite band five years ago? (dare) Tag a blog that posts very different content from yours, but that you couldn’t imagine not following.

Truth: Bold of you to assume I know who I was five years ago?? Let’s say Evanescence

Dare: @araeph

11: (truth) Where did you get each article of clothing you’re wearing right now? (dare) Pick up the closest book to you. Turn to page 39 and copy down line 7.

Truth: Literally all of them were gifts

Dare: “I must don my floppy ears and become their queen again”

12: (truth) What are your five favorite girls’ names and five favorite boys’ names? (dare) Copy and paste the 14th line of text from the last document you worked on in Word or Google Drive.

Truth: Aurora, Lucina, Minerva, María, Magnolia - Dante, Apollo, Ariel, Sirius, Cygnus

Dare: “Does he know what he did?”

13: (truth) What’s your most irrational fear? (dare) Tag five mutuals who take amazing selfies.

Truth: I don’t feel like saying

Dare: only one that comes to mind is @masayoshihazama. very nice selfies

14: (truth) If you could only wear one outfit for the rest of your life (consisting of clothes you already own), what would it be? (dare) Tag someone you follow who has amazing fashion sense.

Truth: dress pants. guns ‘n roses tshirt. plaid shirt on top. black shoes. hell ya

Dare: @zuramaru has rlly nice taste

15: (truth) If you could rock any unusual article of clothing/makeup technique/hairstyle, what would it be? (dare) Go to the blog of the last person you reblogged a text post from. Reblog your favorite of their selfies.

Truth: lots of lacy stuff,,,,,, those shirts that are almost transparent except for beautiful patterns that seem to just be hugging the skin,,,, really sexy

Dare: nah

16: (truth) What is your dream job? (dare) Post the four most recent pictures in your camera roll.

Truth: Writer,

Dare: Not on my phone

17: (truth) Where is the last place you went that took over two hours to get to? (dare) Post screenshots of your phone’s lock screen and home screen.

Truth: my familys place,,,,,, terrible

Dare:

im maybe a little in love

18: (truth) How old were you when you had your first kiss? If you haven’t had it yet, how old do you want to be? (dare) Go to the last app/tab you opened. Post a screenshot.

Truth: i haven’t yet, and uuuh. part of me wants to be kissed Right Now, part of me isnt particularly interested

Dare: 

Pressed enter a bunch until everything looked blank bc thats Spoilery Writing but ya i was writing a thing for a character

19: (truth) What is the first thing you remember having to keep secret? (dare) Tag five bloggers who you associate with being obsessed with something particular, and list what each of them is obsessed with.

Truth: I don’t remember Shit

Dare: @gaysaiyaman keeps putting 10 posts in a row in my dash of whatever the interest of the Moment is and @the-carmevore and i are Same Hyperfixation mood with a campaign we’re in

20: (truth) What does your bedroom look like? (dare) Take one selfie and post it. You only get one shot! (No old selfies or retrying, even if you think you look bad)

Truth: It’s a bit messy ngl,, 

Dare: Nah

21: (truth) What three fictional characters would you most like to meet? (dare) Write your name down on a piece of paper and draw a quick picture of yourself. Take a photo of it and post it.

Truth: all I can think about rn is my oc Ruby

Dare: Not feeling up to anything with pictures bc that implies phone usage

22: (truth) What are three things you’re looking forward to? (dare) Tag the last three people you reblogged posts from, and estimate how many followers they have.

Truth: I’m not feeling really like looking forward to anything rn,, got really depressed all of a sudden

Dare: nah

23: (truth) What are your three biggest turn ons, and your three biggest turn offs? (dare) Put your music player on shuffle. Without actually listening to it, write the lyrics to the chorus of the first song.

Truth: I don’t feel like giving too much information to unsuspecting people but like if ur curious and wanna dm me or ask privately im not a secretive person

Dare: “Freeze your brain / Swim in the ice, get lost in the pain / Happiness comes when everything numbs / Who needs cocaine? / Freeze your brain”

24: (truth) If you could only own five material objects (not counting life necessities like food/water/a house/etc) what would they be? (dare) Put your music player on shuffle. Post what the first three songs are, and for each one, tag a blog that the song reminds you of.

Truth: Computer, phone, im gonna put stationery all in one category, controller, ps4

Dare: Nah

25: (truth) What is the last thing you lied about? (dare) Tag three people you want to know better and ask them each three questions about themselves.

Truth: I don’t wanna talk about that!

Dare: nah

26: (truth) What’s the last movie you watched? (dare) Reblog the most recent of your own selfies posted on tumblr, and in the tags say two things you like about your appearance in it?

Truth: I watched like 40 minutes of The Godfather. before that I think I watched Inside Out

Dare: nah

27: (truth) What are three things you like about yourself unrelated to your appearance? (dare) Post a picture from your camera roll that you’ve been meaning to post on tumblr.

Truth: I like that I actively try to be nice,,, I like my voice,,, I uh. like that ive kept myself alive?

Dare: see above in relation to Camera Roll im a lazy bastard

28: (truth) How do you take your coffee? (dare) Post the last picture you posted on a social media platform other than tumblr.

Truth: probably cold, definitely sweetened to death, but i never take coffee by itself honestly

Dare: nah

29: (truth) What are your worst habits? (dare) Put your Top 25 Most Played songs on shuffle and list the first five.

Truth: not a habit by itself but rather my inability to form positive habits and try to take control of my life and do the things i wanna do,, ya

30: (truth) What is the last thing you did that you have to keep secret from someone? Who do you have to keep it secret from? (dare) Tag five blogs with great URLs.

Truth: I’m keeping a Bunch of secrets bc dnd. mostly from @the-carmevore bc Sovereign Stars,, Control

Dare: @vampfucker666 @masayoshihazama @feycreature uuuuh ill leave that there

[kj-nixon]

happy v day

On any other day, it would be nearly impossible to wake KJ up before 10am. You would have to fire a gun next to her. It was actually a major concern of her family’s, but she had always been more of a night owl than an early bird.

But today was Valentine’s Day. And this year she was going to do something fantastic for Hunter.

Last night, she had stolen his Apple Watch after he had fallen asleep and set the alarm to vibrate on her wrist at 7. She hated the thing because she felt the radiation from it would lead to arthritis. Bailey had tried to explain that that wasn’t how arthritis worked, but KJ was still skeptical. Regardless, it was the only way she could think of setting an alarm without also waking up Hunter.

God damn, 7am. Any later and Hunter would probably wake up on his own and ruin the surprise. Why did he have to be such an adult?

KJ grinned at that. That’s why she loved him.

As gracefully as she could manage, which wasn’t all that graceful if you knew KJ, she slipped out of their queen sized bed and tip toed to the kitchen. Their apartment was more of an open loft. A giant, brick square with only the bedroom and tiny bath distorting the shape by jutting out to the side. Looking at the floor plan, she had never quite been able to figure out how it interlinked with the other apartments, but really, did it matter? It suited them perfectly. The kitchen was as much a part of the living room as it was the dining room.

Open concept, open vibes.

They had it decorated as some combination of industrial modern and cozy, and the kitchen was pretty much the same. The tricky part was that KJ so rarely actually opened their cabinets that it took her a few attempts to find the pans she needed. Eventually, though, she got the bacon onto the gas stove and started on making breakfast in bed.

Hunter was, hands down, the best thing to happen to her. She knew she said it a lot, but it was just facts. Without him, she would probably be chasing yet another degree that she wouldn’t complete. He rescued her. Of course, he’d never admit it, but KJ and her siblings knew that she was kind of worthless without him.

And she was worthless, no doubt about it. Worthless against conventional standards. She couldn’t keep a job, her temper kept her from really being too great a people person, and without help her living space would be a dump. But she thrived in a space where you could let her be expressive, and Hunter provided her that. He encouraged her to be as creative and goofy and obnoxious as she wanted. And, somehow, they had figured out how to monetize it online. The cookie crumbled perfectly in that way.

She wanted to get lost in all the different ways she loved him, but it was almost impossible to actually start a list. Because as soon as she thought of one detail, it was almost immediately replaced and forgotten with another. He was just.... her world. She was obsessed with him. And she was pretty sure he was equally obsessed with her.

She assumed. She hoped.

KJ wasn’t actually a secure person. Some would even dare to call her insecure. And she felt justified in her anxiousness. Comparing herself to others was one of her most developed skills, and she never could measure up. So, if by some chance a girl who was just as pretty as she was, but twice as responsible came along, was there really any doubting that Hunter would take an interest? He was actually the perfect, functioning adult. One day he’d realize he was tired of babysitting a grown child. She just hoped it was on his death bed. Because KJ quite actually couldn’t live without him.

They’d be together forever if she had any say. And if you know any Faline, they have a lot to say.

And so what if they weren’t legally linked? KJ loved being with him no matter what. Did she sometimes dream about having the big wedding? Sure. Did she ever wonder if he even thought about asking her to get married? Yeah. Was she kind of concerned that he hadn’t asked yet because he didn’t want to permanently link himself to her in such a way that it would be difficult to leave her when he was ready? Who the fuck asked you?!

KJ’s brain snapped back to the kitchen when she smelled the smoke. While zoning out, she had splashed bacon grease onto the range and started a fire. Fucking ADHD.

What were you supposed to use on a grease fire again? All she could remember was not water, but she needed to put it out before the alarms went off and woke Hunter up.

Um.

Ummmm.

Flour!

Kj had no idea where they kept flour, or if they even had it, but the pancake mix sitting on the counter was the next best thing. Without giving herself a moment to second guess it, she dumped the box of powder onto the stove.

Well... on the stove, in the pan, and on the floor, technically.

She stared at it, willing it to not be all over the place. But, alas, there it was.

Kayla Jane, you’re an idiot.

But at least the apartment wasn’t up in flames.

Sighing, she dropped the empty box on the counter and skated to the corner deigned the living room in her socks. Her sleep tank and shorts were covered in mix now, but when was she ever put together? KJ picked up her phone and quickly ordered Postmates from their favorite diner, like the proper millennial she was. Should’ve done it in the first place, but she wanted to be romantic.

The second phase of the morning was cute enough anyway. It didn’t take her long to get her computer hooked up to their TV and get started on touching up the final bits of editing for her next video. KJ had become pretty savvy with anything techy since her career on YouTube took off. Not that she understood a single thing about engineering or how any of the machines actually functioned, but she could put it all together and operate it pretty easily if you gave her twenty minutes and a 5 Hour Energy to figure it out.

The doorbell rang and she ran to grab their food, knowing full well that he’d definitely get up for that. If he hadn’t smelled the smoke already.

Sure enough, Hunter stepped out of their room just as she finished unpacking their breakfast. KJ would never get over how insanely tall and good looking he was. Like, it wasn’t even fair.

But she sure did appreciate having the injustice in her bed.

He smiled at her and chuckled, probably laughing at how messy she was.

“Don’t go to the kitchen,” she warned, pointing a finger at him threateningly.

“It kind of smells like I should,” he replied.

“You absolutely should not. You should come kiss me and get your present instead.”

“That does sound much more pleasant.”

He graciously leaned down so she could stand on her toes and give him a peck on the mouth. She guided him to sit in front of the television and placed his food in front of him. “Happy Valentine’s Day, baby.”

“Happy Valentine’s Day, sunshine.”

Patience wasn’t really a Faline trait either, so she only gave him enough time to take two bites of food before she climbed into his lap and face the TV. “Okay, I made something.”

“You did? For me?”

“For you.”

“I’m touched.”

“You will be.”

“So will you.” He winked.

She licked his cheek. Then she pressed the enter key on her keyboard.

The video went live on her channel. A shaky close up of Hunter’s forehead came on screen. You could hear KJ’s laughter over the speakers as the camera zoomed out and you were able to see the picnic set up from one of their earliest dates. Minute by minute, the video played through a compilation of vlogs from the last four years of their relationship. Some were of their travel adventures, others were at home where Hunter was obviously unaware that she wasn’t filming. Two consisted of KJ being home alone, lamenting her state of abandonment while Hunter was on a business trip. Every clip, every piece, was carefully chosen to show how perfect they were.

KJ had been on social media for the last three years, but she had never made her relationship public to her audience. Anything regarding Hunter was posted to her private accounts that only friends and family could see. Even her family was often used as clickbait. But Hunter had been reserved as a secret, or marketed as just a friend. And she had never quite been able to explain why.

Part of it had been that she was afraid of karma. If she put them out their publicly, then maybe they’d break up and she’d have to announce to the world that she was alone and her person had left her. Or maybe it was because she was selfish and didn’t want him to get any attention outside of her (and Simon.)

But, around Christmas, she had decided that she wanted the entire planet to know how mad she was for her. She wanted her audience, people she loved and was inspired by, to see how lucky she was.

And she would cut any bitch who tried to bat a single eyelash at him.

The video was only about five minutes long, nowhere near the length of her usual challenges and vlog segments, but there was four years of love pieced throughout it. And she prayed to the universe that he got the bigger picture.

That she loved him more than anything on the entire planet.

It ended and she stretched her head back to see his expression, a proud smile on her face. For a moment, he just continued staring at the screen.

She knew it would take a moment to buffer in his brain. They had discussed forever ago that they’d never go public and he was okay with that. Hunter had never cared one way or the other, but KJ had insisted.

Now...

He looked down at her and she saw his blue eyes glisten. It made her smile wider. He was such an emotional tall man.

Climbing around to wrap her arms and legs around him, she sat up to look him directly in the face. “You’re my person. I’ve staked my claim across the globe now. So if any skanks try to make a move on you while you’re wherever your stupid job sends you, you now have live proof to show them that I will hunt them down and burn their eyebrows off.”

“Oh, it’ll have them and their eyebrows shaking in their kitten heels.” He grinned.

She kissed him. Hard.

“I love you, Green Giant.”

“I love you too, Thumbilina.”

KJ tucked her head into the crook of his neck and gave a happy sigh.

“So... What did you burn?”

“Oh my god, SHUT UP!”

[420710ge-blog]

my first entry

all of these entries will be more or less stream of consciousness

Im watching queer eye. SO I felt like writing a blog and starting a blog bc im emotional and severely depressed. ( if the fab 5 could re vamp me and my life omg)

I'm trying to grasp this concept that i am 28 years old

and i STILL have no idea who the fuck I am or what the fuck am i gonna do.

what i do know is I am a single. I am straight-ish haha (no one is straight these days eff lables and gender norms) I live in a basement. The neighborhood I live in isnt the best in my opinion for me. I know I enjoy cities and hustle and bustle and noise. this area is not where i want to spend a long period of time in. I have my drivers license but dont have a car. I'm on a fixed income. I am very very poor. I've been struggling with money my whole life. My mother was struggling with money and work my whole childhood ive come to learn. i feel like my mom maybe didn't give me all the right tools i needed to make it in this world.

I'm not a good cook, but i enjoy cooking and wish I was good. I eat very unhealthy. I dont know how to shop for groceries or clothes. i eat fast food,microwaves meals and snacks, cheese and crackers, cereal, deli sandwhiches, pb & j, fruit snacks, ice tea, juice and water. (thats basically it unless i go out to eat which is bad bc i have no money for it.)

i cannot grasp the concept of money i dont know how to budget or balance a check book or keep track of spending. i need to put money a side and save and i just cant seem to do it. The money is always being used. i feel like im always in debt or owing money that i never get in front of this wave to start earning actual income every dollar i make is always spoken for and the $1 to 80 dollars that i actually get left over is for cleaning supplies hair products medication condoms tampons pads basically things i need. and im honest in saying i do spend money on food and great craft beer bc its my way of treating myself for actually making a payment or actually getting out of bed, for going hungry for a few days or for having a good mental health day.

My hobbies include filling out job applications, fighting with doctors and secretaries, bill collectors debt collect companies and creditors, watching youtube videos, vloggers and youtubers on my phone and my freinds old old laptop the basement has pretty difficult internet connection and it is freezing cold but other than that its nice it works its a place to sleep and shelter, other hobbies are watching movies and tv, and lastly SLEEP. i sleep 10-14 hours most days or i go 2 days without sleep. i am always over sleeping or i just cant turn my brain and stress and anxiety off just to shut my eyes and sleep. I almost never talk with friends or see other people or go out and hang with friends. the only times i do go out is if someone offers to pay for me or otherwise i cant.

i am addicted to social media. i cant go for more than 15 seconds without checking instrgram or snap chat or youtube or facebook. i can easily spend 11 hours going back and forth between those 4 sites. it is very bad for my mental health and its stunted my success bc i cant help but compare myself. and its vicious negative cycle that i cant seem to break.

i have to walk or use uber or lyft or public transit to get around which gets very expensive over time. walking and being out waiting for the bus or train is very triggering for my mental health. People who are fortunate to have the luxury to own or lease a car please realize the people who cannot afford a car or cannot drive for whatever reason are not second class citizens. People and humans are very nasty and rude and more terrible than youd imagine. having to walk everywhere and be in with the public as much as i have turns you into a cynical abrasive aggresive hateful and rageful person. for example a few weeks ago a car turned on the street that i was walking on and the walk sign was lit and he had a yellow switching to a red, her turned quickly to beat the light that he didnt see me or the walk sign and was inches away from me so i ran after his car and punched the shit out of the passenger window. i spazed out like that bc i had a week of walking in the freezing cold (and living in a super cold place) being rained on and splashed by the puddles being ran thru by cars, teenagers on busses making fun of me throwing things at me, people in cars yelling shit at me and the others standing at a bus bc we dont have a car and we have to wait in the cold assuming that we were all bums or homeless.

I am not happy or passionate about things i use to be obsessed with. I grew up loving comedy. stand up sketch improv.

i use to perform. i would go see it all the time it meant the world to me it is what i wanted t0 do with my life.

but now I dont and i think its was stupid. and a waste of time. same with college it was a waste of time and money to get a degree in something i have no passion about anymore. and a degree in something in which there are no jobs for you.it was terrible decision i made. one of the billions of terrible decisions i ahve made in my life

I have zero self confidence and i barely care what my appearance looks like anymore. i glance in mirrors but never really look at myself. I dont look people in the eyes anymore. I think so hard about what i am saying for i say that it comes out more often that not weird or incorrect bc i am so worried about what others are thinking about me so then that leads to me getting made fun of for how i talk or how i say things. I am always the butt of my friends jokes im always being poked fun at or pranked or messed with.

I dress like 15 year old skate kid. i have nothing that is appropriate for like an office or an audition  or job interview or business meeting or family event or a formal event or cocktail party. i dont know how to dress for my age or for my gender. 

I am super lazy and messy but i have been working on it.

i use cannabis recreationally not everyday but definitely multiple times a week. when i can afford it. it helps clear my head and use the same way a person uses a nice glass of wine at the end of a long day. i dont think its wrong or inhibiting me as a person. sometimes it even helps with motivation and helps get me out of a depressive funk.

I am severely depressed and have an anxiety disorder.

I over think about everything. i make plans and lists for every scenario that i am going to encounter on a daily basis its almost obsessive. my train of thought before entering a conversation with anyone is “do not say anything weird dont look at them for to long, dont fidget, omg what are they thining about when they are looking at me, am i ugly and i coming off as weird or immature or nervous.” 

I lost alot of very important people in my life bc of death or from people and friends and family just cutting me off and people to live the rest of their lives without me. it makes me judge and hate everyone.

I am constantly worried that i am gonna become homeless live on the streets and become a junkie. I actually think about this so so so much. i actually shocked from what i have been thru that i havent become a junkie yet.

I dont want what most white women in their late twenties want and crave. i dont relate or most girls in my age range. its hard for me to find things in common with my peers.

I dont want to buy or own a house. renting forever is fine by me

I do want to buy and own a car preferably a truck but a small suv could work too.

I dont want a family. I dont want children my own or adoptive. I dont want to live in the suburbs or in a neighborhood with tons or old people and families.

i dont want marriage i think its problematic and dumb thing to subject yourself to.

i enjoy soccer and skateboarding and true crime movies and tv shows and horror movies and tv shows.i like some funny things but its selective. i love the sims.

i want to try out living in other states in the us and maybe even try living in the uk.

if i was rich i would want 2 small apartments in central city locations on both coasts of the us one on one and one on the other. and ill use my money to travel. i am craving to travel so badly its all i have been thinking about lately. but again no funds

i want to meet someone who just totally sweeps me off my feet. somone who knows how to be a real man and real boyfriend im tired iof these boys i need a guy who calls me out on my bs, gives constructive criticism, incredibly supportive and KIND. i want our respectfulness to be at an 100%. i want to feel worshipped and adored. i want them to be succesful and be able to bring me up and boost me forward. great listener. not sleepy or annoyed very easily. insane dark weird goofy sense of humor. id love them to be outgoing and be able to command a room and be comfortable around people new and old. great sex and adventures. currently im giving my ex a chance and its prolly a terrible idea.

i want a makeover i want to learn how to dress myself correctly and figure what my style is, make money and keep money, how to cook, how to skateboard, how to surf, how to take care of my skin and my hair. I want to learn how to work out where i wont make my current ailments and injuries and medical issues flare up and put me out of business for few days. id like to have toned arms back shoulders and legs and to not be winded dont everyday tasks.

if i had to make a dream cocktail. and the final result would be the new me i would throw in the blender: confidence of a drag queen, the wit and sharp tongue of joan rivers, the comedic timing of sean hayes, riley reids sex skills, the intelligence and maturity of michelle obama, pinks hair and singing skills, kat dennings body and dgaf attitude. that would be the perfect me in my eyes.

I want to make everyone proud of me. and I want to be proud of myself. 

idk what this was but its on the internet

-GE