#i almost never bother with rj essays

[cto10121]

Wish there was this much energy for defending R&J

[mariellewritesalot]

That Time I Won a Palanca

The first time I joined the Palanca Awards I was 15 and eager, high on hopes that maybe I had a shot at winning something so prestigious. It was around the time that my writing blog was only 5 months old and receiving feedback from strangers on the internet, with Sir KC's push, I gave it a try. I failed. I had quietly hoped for the worst, but it still stung when I realized I’ve been daydreaming about it quite often. The next time around I was so discouraged I didn't even bother. Since I lost in RACJOURN 2016, too, and there were people who openly told me I needed improvement, I took a break from my writing. There was a long period of time where I thought my writing was not getting me anywhere, that it was just as everyone said--a hobby. I settled for writing whenever I felt like it and doing my best not to fail as the Editor-in-Chief of Ang Kalatas, a literary folio entrusted to me by my school. I became anxious of sharing my thoughts online, doubted my abilities, vowed to read more, and tried to improve how I wrote. I rarely let my family read my work, but my parents have always been supportive of me being a writer despite their hopes that I may pursue law after all. My teachers saw potential in me, always, which warms my heart every time. I for one, am a big fan of constructive criticism when it came to my writing. My friends, even if they often hit me with #nosebleed jokes, are my biggest fans, too. This support system kept me going and so, when 2017 came, I decided to give the Kabataan Essay category another shot before I turned 18.

2017. The first defining moment was copping silver for Feature Writing in RACJOURN 2017 with my piece on Extrajudicial Killings. I joined the Manila Times Essay Writing Contest with the same theme but failed. This didn’t stop me. I was anxious as I wrote my piece for Palanca in the summer, stressing about it for a whole month, letting Sir Ivan and Ma'am Fyke read it so they can provide their critique, spending about 3 hours on the last night, thinking of the perfect title before I sent it in the following day. As my parents stood by me while I freaked over requirements, I calmly told them that if I win, it would all be for them, anyway. There is no better feeling in the world than seeing my parents happy, to let them know that all their struggle to get me good education and to raise me well aren’t going to waste. 

To be completely honest, there was one event in life this year that led me to believe my entire year was down the drain. I was devastated. Heartbroken. Clinging on to my friends for support. In tears at the most random times...It took a while before I got better, the progress was so slow that sometimes I think I am still not over it, especially when things stress me out and all I need is someone to talk to. I started working out and *trying* to eat healthier when I can. Before I knew it, I was 20 pounds lighter. I joined inter-school events, focused on college entrance exam reviews, had the time of my life with friends I’ve neglected for the past two years. Literally anything that could occupy my time and the empty feeling I had in me, and yet, there were still nights when the pain would get so unbearable I began to ask if the good times were ever even worth this suffering. It got my mind off winning a Palanca award since all I wanted was to feel better and I didn’t think I could take another heartbreak if I didn’t win. I prayed a lot, took refuge in my faith that God will never fail me with the help of my friend Sofia, who encouraged me to read the Bible when I could. Now, I feel calmer whenever I realize that this was something God was telling me, to mold me into the person I was meant to be. He had His reasons, I just had to be strong and patient enough to see it through.

On the 5th of August 2017, I answered the door thinking that the shirt I ordered online had finally arrived. It surprised me when the courier handed me a smaller package. I remember asking, "Kuya, saan galing 'tong sulat?" 

And him going, "Sa Palanca Awards po, Ma'am. Sumali po ba kayo? Nako mukhang nanalo kayo Ma'am ha! Malaki yang award na yan!" 

My heart raced at the name of the sender. I laughed and said, "Nako, Kuya, wag mo kong paasahin baka masaktan ako!" 

I ran to the dinning room, hands shaking so much I couldn't open the package. My brother, Kuya Rj, had to open it for me and give me the envelope. I CRIED when I read it. It was the first time in a long while that I shed tears because I was unbelievably happy. I ran upstairs to tell my parents, my mom wanting to immediately let her Facebook friends know. My dad told me he knew I had it in me. My friend, Justine, who was visiting that time reacted the same way. I told them I wanted to keep it a secret first. I told everyone I cared for and loved through private messages. It was the happiest day of my life, I was so overwhelmed with gratitude I wanted to reach out to the sky and give God the biggest hug. I was saved, blessed beyond measure.

After almost 3 eventful weeks, last night I finally got my award at The Manila Peninsula with my mother. Everything looked so beautiful, in my head I was internally screaming because I was in the presence of literary geniuses, renowned icons, and writers like me who couldn’t believe their luck. Table 18, the one where I sat with fellow 18 under winners and their lovely parents who were all accommodating. I never thought I’d ever experience being called upfront prior  to the ceremony just so photographers could take our photo. Surreal, is what! I was almost half-expecting someone to come out and tell me I’m being pranked, or for me to wake up because surely I must be dreaming. I not nearly as good as everyone in that room. What did I do to deserve such honor? The dinner was great, and for a split second I regretted wearing a tight dress, I could eat all night! The tea was exceptional as well. The play presentation was entertaining, worthy of a Palanca indeed. Dr. Dalisay’s speech sparked something in me: a vision, maybe, of what it would be like to write (and speak) as well as he does. F. Sionil Jose sat two tables away from us, and I wanted a photo with him but he left earlier than expected. My mother fangirled over Cherry Pie Picache being in the same room (and the bathroom!) The feeling of coming up the stage and receiving the award was the most exhilarating thing I’ve experienced. Dr. Dalisay was right, I will never forget the first time I won a Palanca, that night. The certificate will keep me going through hard times, just as his did. I knew right then and there that only a few have had the same experience, and I am not letting it pass me by. I am determined to write for as long as I can, improving every year. I still have a long way to go, but I am excited for what the future holds for my writing career.

Thank you to everyone who believed in me and my writing. My family and friends, teachers, Adamson University--my second home since the 3rd grade, online readers since the dawn of my Wattpad fan fiction phase (slight cringe) after my short Jr. Total Girl Staff Writer stint at 12, to the birth of mariellewritesalot at 15, and now. Thank you God, for showing me You are never going to make me struggle without giving me blessings in return. Even with college entrance exams and my debut coming up, I feel like my 2017 has already been made. I can only hope for it to get even better.

This experience has humbled me and made me want to write more for the youth, and for our country. Mabuhay ang mga alagad ng sining! 

Marielle Fatima Burog Tuazon. 17 years old. Palanca awardee, third prize for "The Pursuit of Lucidity" in the Kabataan Essay category. 🤗

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: I will be releasing a new short story in November to celebrate my 18 years of existence on that month! The tentative title is Our Last Good Day and it’s going to be the Young Adult short story you wouldn’t want to miss. More updates and hints coming your way, soon! If you want to read my past short stories, click here.