#i actually love writing my favorite abrasive fuckwad

[1moreoffkeyanthem]

I finally did it yall I made a list of my favorite Cartmanisms bc I do in fact very much enjoy writing his out of pocket ass

“Oh speaking of,” Cartman added, “let’s just sacrifice the Insulin Bitch and the brain damaged hippie to the zaliens so the rest of us can make a run for it.”

Eric was scowling. “Only I’M allowed to make comments about you two gayasses. I say we wipe the floor with those homophobes.”

“I doubt they’ll have a vest in your size, Thumbulimia.”

“Please, I have better things to do than watch the Jew have a Post Traumatic Spider Disorder episode.”

Cartman rolled his eyes, but got up to drop a five in the Fuckwad Jar. “I hate you guys, seriously. Marj, you weren’t even in the room for the Nancy joke.” The lace trim of his robe fluttered as he sat back down, which made Stan laugh again. “What’s so funny, hippie?” There weren’t really words, honestly, but he’d try. “I just… I never want us to change, you know?” “Gay.”

Eric sung a few lines of ‘Jesus Loves The Little Children’ in a creepy horror movie voice and then sprung out from his hiding spot and started blasting on an unsuspecting youth who got too close, chasing him down the field with rarely shown athleticism.

Cartman looked incredibly bored as he clicked the magazine and snapped it back into place. “Well fuck me for being prepared.”

Cartman scoffed. “He’s not doing anything but staring up at you like he’s Sleeping Goddamn Beauty and you just kissed him out of a coma.”

“Awww, looook, you guys! They’re having a gay little hurt/comfort moment again! What, you gonna kiss it better, Kahl?”

Cartman just rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. “What the hell ever, Jimothy. Go stutter about it to someone else.”

“Okay, fucking first of all,” Kyle shot a glare at Cartman, “no one’s getting sacrificed. Literally, that’s not goddamn happening. AND we’re keeping this discussion CIVIL. It’s five in the morning and nobody’s slept very much. There’s not a single guy here who’s actually thinking straight.” “That would be because half of you are gay as balls.”

“Once again, I’m moving that we leave the hippie behind.” “Cartman, remind me to kick your ass when we’re out of here.” “Good luck on that if you fucking faint like one of those stupid goats again.”

Cartman was out of bullets, but he’d taken out a good chunk of the extraterrestrial undead. “Holy shit, Kahl, you better not die on us. Cockroach, remember? You’re a damn cockroach.”

“Aight, so anyway, what’s JewBot up to?” “Still at work. He’ll be home later. We’re gonna go out to dinner with the Tuckers.” “I didn’t ask for your life’s story, buttplug,”

“Oh JESUS CHRIST!!” Oh, great. Cartman had emerged from his cave. “Did I just walk into a stairwell orgy?”

“Fuck you, Kahl. Your recycled dildo and his weirdo wingman pulled me out of a Klance slowburn.” “WHO the FUCK is reading Voltron fanfiction in 2023?!” “Some of us are dedicated.”

Eric paused his self imposed quest to rob every taco truck in GTA and set aside his controller. “Hellllll no. The vampires don’t get my blood without paying me for it.”

“Geez, pack it up, Fiddler On The Roof.”

“Fatass, if he dies in a car accident because YOU made him freak, I WILL kill you.” “Good luck doing that with one leg and a fever, fleshlight.” But his voice softened. “Just try to chill out until he gets home, Kahl. Then you can be a terrible patient for someone who actually likes you.”

“Yeah, hippie. I wasn’t going to deal with you if something happened to your burning bush.”

A certain abrasive fuckwad leaned casually against the wall. “Oh, the Bubonic Jew didn’t tell you yet? I said he fell on the stairs, didn’t I? He just hurt his knee again, what else is new.” Stan made a noise of surprise and Cartman pointed his beef jerky at him. “By the way, I really don’t get why you get so stoked about lugging him around. He’s difficult.”

Cartman scurried off to inspect a leaf. “Woah, you guys! I think I just, like, discovered empathy!” “You’re looking at a plant.” “Plants have feelings too, Khal! Look at your photosynthesizing dildo back there!”

“Like he needs an excuse to get on his high horse about shit.” “I’ll kick your fat ass,” Kyle warned. “Good luck, tinkerbell.”

Cartman had planted himself into the passenger seat, munching away at that bag of funyuns. He glanced back. “What’s the ‘sitch, Ken-Possible?”

“Because, you pussy,” Cartman said with a false saccharine smile, “you have the biggest TikTok following from your gayass little songs.

“Yep.” Cartman said through a mouthful of eggs. “Plus, Clyde has an affair going with the town vet, Butters is a total twink, and Stanny boy has a boner for the Jew.”

Oh dear god. Cartman was NOT about to babysit the argumentative dickhole while the housekeeper worked. As much fun as he was to fight with, Kyle was a fierce opponent, and Cartman wasn’t really in the mood. He’d had a weird night. The cats had been on edge.

Oh, of goddamn course. The OTHER buttplug. It wasn’t a secret. Well, technically it was, because no one talked about it, but anyone with eyeballs could see that Stan and Kyle had a gayass little private relationship going on behind Craig’s back. Good for them, or whatever, but if the Spider ever got proof…

Cartman just rolled his eyes. “Scott, you glucose gobbling ass bitch, I’ve literally butchered two people. I know the human body, okay?”

“The fuck.” Cartman’s eyes widened. “Every single one of you dildos had better be praying that there’s no internal bleeding.”

Cartman put his hands up. “Gahdamn, you guys. Just trying to lighten the mood in this hot air balloon to Hell.”

“Ay! Hippie! The Jew had to stay for basketball so I’m here with your buttfucking homework-“

Cartman definitely wanted to rip on him for wallowing in his own sadness, but the sooner he got this loser to be a person again, the better. “No shit, asshole. Your fucking fleshlight is even more intolerable without you to hold him back. You need to come back to school.”

“Also, I’m telling your little prince of Egypt that he can come over. It’s not like he’s gonna catch your Sad Bitch Disease.”

Cartman strolled around the corner, now wearing his frilly ‘widow whose husband died under mysterious circumstances’ robe.

[1moreoffkeyanthem]

what do you like most about writing each south park character?

Oh MAN I love this question! I’ve only ever written from the perspectives of Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Cartman, Butters/Marjorine, Craig, and Tweek, so I’ll be focusing on those seven!

Stan I adore making him a massive simp like ohhhh my god Stanley Down Bad Marsh my son hes kind of a loser sometimes and we love him for it! He’s definitely one of my favorites to write and I project onto him a good deal and have a few running gags with him, like a lot of the time I put him in clothes that I actually wear, have him reference media I enjoy, make him vegetarian every single time, just… Stan. What an icon. I love when he’s just so Done with the shenanigans around him too lmao

Kyle is my other favorite, easy, like he lends himself out so well to serve as the voice of reason and there’s so much to do with his character over every au! The majority of my Kyles are very empathetic to a fault, mostly idealistic in their worldview, very introspective, which is super fun to explore! It’s also fun to delve into his hypercritical side, when he portrays a false confidence that he doesn’t feel, when he’s everyone’s go-to. I really enjoy writing style because like yeah they’re in love, but they’re best friends at the root of that, and it’s important to me that their relationship is built off that bond.

Kenny! Dude Kenny is such an inherently complex character, whether you factor in the immortality or not, but he’s so interesting because he’s kind of a comic relief character on the surface, but holds this deep melancholy. He’s another favorite of mine to write and I have so many headcanons for him, like how he’s incredibly good at reading people, super good at making friends and cheering people up. Also I LOVE making Kenny unhinged as shit, like he is my vessel for inappropriate jokes and out of pocket comments, just so much eccentricity because he deserves it damnit! King shit. Or princess shit, perhaps ;)

Ok Cartman, I had SO many hang ups writing Cartman when I first started. I had absolutely no clue how to tackle him, because I don’t really like writing truly evil characters, and when I was super new to sp fanfiction I thought that was the only way I could really do him, that or leave him out. But YALL!!!!!! Once I realized I could write him as actually caring for his friends but just being an abrasive fuckwad for the hell of it, everything changed!!! He is SO GODDAMN FUN TO WRITE like the Cartmanisms are delightful to come up with and he is EASILY one of my favorite characters to include now! His commentary is fucking hilarious and he will deadass just say anything, I can’t BELIEVE I spent so long avoiding writing him bc he’s a blast and the most unserious guy you will ever meet also he absolutely reads fanfiction that guy is devouring dead doves. One of these days I’ll make a list of my favorite cartmanisms I’ve written.

Butters/Marj, so I don’t necessarily have more of an attachment to either version, but I think my favorite thing about writing them is the speech pattern! Butters has more of a hesitant way of talking and that’s honestly super fun to translate into writing. I like making them a really nurturing character, like as the station medic in ATLCTS, but also pretty gullible to shit like pyramid schemes like in the OrangeJuiceVerse. Another character that I hesitated to write from for a hot minute because I wasn’t sure how I wanted to go about it, but Butters/Marjorine is really fun to switch up the rhythm of the prose!

BY FAR my favorite thing about writing Craig is giving him pointless beef with Stan, like when this mf does not care about shit except his bf and stripe it’s so fucking funny to me. In In The Truly Gruesome I had SUCH a blast making him so quick with the comebacks and the nonchalance like bruh he is so damn funny for no reason that’s probably one of my favorite Craigs I’ve written. His relationships with people in his life are really cool to explore too, like in the later OJV he’s really good friends with Kyle, and their differences in personality that au are super cool to work with!

Similar to Butters, Tweek is fun to write because of the distinct speech and thinking pattern! His prose, the slight stutter and hesitation, like you can tell when it’s Tweek talking. That’s part of the reason I alternated chapters in Broken Bottles From Apartment 2 between him and Kyle, because of the juxtaposition of their ways of thinking and talking. Whereas Kyle is concise and deliberate, Tweek is more scattered and sporadic, which is an interesting contrast!

Aight man that’s it for this ask, I hope I made some semblance of sense, thank u for asking about this!!!