#i actually had more thoughts of randy sort of flirting with benson across the table but even i can't see him doing that

[macclownn]

having visions again. blessed.

benson goes to prison (my fave au) and randy doesn't visit. he thinks about it, A LOT, but he's scared. scared of what benson thinks of him now, if he's mad, sad. keeps remembering the look on benson's face when he told him he'd called the cops.

he goes to college, makes friends, only calls his mom once a week now maybe. she still texts a lot.

he has a girlfriend for a while, no longer a virgin. hooks up with a girl after, just for fun. then a guy. several guys. too many of them look like benson, or act like benson. mullets and kinda mean and rough hands and "good boy".

after graduation he makes his way back home, has to for a while as much as he doesn't really want to. he doesn't want to fall back on old habits.

he does. of course he does.

his mom cooks for him, but he helps now. still looks after his sister too often, but she's older now too, it's not bad. he reconnects with lisa, she never really left town. they hang out, he stays the night sometimes. he works at a store for a while, maybe even a bar. he drives past what used to be burgers burgers burgers on his way to his shift. it's empty now. he goes to see miss beard, still babysits tessa every now and again. he drives past the school on the way.

he sees benson everywhere, in all of these places. listens to the music he played, wears his jacket.

it takes another year or so before he goes to visit. it's a whole deal, and he's sure benson knows he's asked to visit. but he goes, drives all the way there, sits and waits.

he holds his breath the whole time, sees families and friends of inamtes to each side of him, chatting or crying. he's not as nervous now, in general, but he's feeling something.

then they start walking in, and there's benson. his hair is cropped shorter, he's bigger physically, but in the jumpsuit, in this big place, he doesn't look it.

he still looks at randy the same, intense and deep and like he's just waiting, seeing him.

he doesn't know what to say, how to start. a quiet "hey, benson".

they talk, benson asks a lot of questions, how he's doing, if he's working, about college and girlfriends and his mom.

it gets easier, the more times he goes. eventually they're more relaxed, sort of friends, friendly. randy smiles more when he's there, benson even makes him laugh, a ridiculous, loud laugh, and when he stops benson is looking at him with this little smile. like they're ok.

he mentions one day, without thinking, that he's talking to this guy. and benson smirks and says "thought you weren't gay?" and it's funny. but. not really. it makes him a little embarrassed and he's not really sure what to say.

he does a lot of thinking when he leaves that day, goes home and lies in bed and maybe talks to the guy he's been talking to. about this sort-of thing he has with a friend. doesn't say too much.

he. maybe has a little thing. for benson. i mean, who actively looks for guys with mullets and pornstaches? him. not actively, maybe, but he notices now how often it's happened.

thinks about how he likes, even with girls now, to get shoved around a little. it's never more than a tug on his hair or a hand around his wrist, but that's mainly because he's always been too scared to ask for more.

he doesn't see benson for a couple of months. tries to... something. doesn't know whether he's supposed to get over it or accept it.

he hooks up with the guy he'd been talking to, for the first time asks someone to be a little rougher with him. they talk after. he's a nice guy actually. great. he's... not what he's looking for. but he thinks they weirdly make good friends.

he accepts it, in the end. can't deny it.

he goes to see benson and it's... it's weird all over again. but he can't help it, looks at benson, looks across his shoulders when he walks in, down his legs as he gets closer, at his arms when he sits.

benson comments on his absence, "you get bored of me, randy?" and he... he shakes his head. "no," quiet.

nothing can happen, benson is never getting out and the whole reason he's in here is because he wanted randy to LIVE. so he does, he lives.

but he goes to visit, when he can. smiles at benson smiling at him.