#i actually am able to afford this thanks to them so shoutouts to my friends :)

[ruva-fjura]

An Important cohost Post, Recreated on Tumblr

(Original Publication Date: August 16th, 2024)

I got pretty distant from my dad once my parents split up. He wasn't really all that great to me, but he was trying his best, and he had anger problems like me. All the same, I sort of understood, and thought maybe after the decade apart, I could forge a new relationship with him.

This is a story about how getting invested in stories causes them to find new ways to suckerpunch you. About how character creation does deeply impact how you experience a game. And about how grief is like having twisted an ankle when you were twelve: You think everything's fine and then you do something weird and it hurts all over again.

This is a story, about Ruva Fjura, Warrior of Light.

Content Warning: Final Fantasy XIV Spoilers, Heavensward Spoilers, depictions and discussions of death, discussions of trans identity and grieving.

I've been getting into Final Fantasy XIV recently thanks to the introduction of Hot Cat Women (I am predictable.) A few years before this, I had made an attempt to play FFXIV when I was really itching to play WoW with my friends. Legolas Lordofthering did not inspire a connection to the story. This time, now that I could play as a species that I could feel connected to, not a smoothskinned human-alike, but a real anthro Lady… Since, when I bought the game, I was given a free month of sub, a month before Dawntrail's actual release, I decided to fold that into my WoL's backstory. Ruva Fjura is a trans hrothgar, seeking to adventure to earn the gil to afford the expensive body-changing medicine Fantasia.

I even made sure to take a screenshot of her very first dress.

Ruva would, over the course of A Realm Reborn:

clean up a little,

and polish her look as she set forth to defend Eorzea. (Don't tell anyone, but relatively early on I start using plugins, so everyone appropriately addresses Ruva with the correct pronouns. Shoutout to PrefPro!)

Originally I'd intended to use the Magic HRT that is the Fantasia potion right at the border between A Realm Reborn and Heavensward, because I'd tried to play the game a few years ago and knew the story beat there makes a good point for an identity update… but having accidentally blitzed the story of ARR in 2 weeks, and having more time still to play before Dawntrail drops, a few friends suggested another story point I was likely to get to by the time Dawntrail dropped:

Right after the Vault. (For those of you who already know what happens in the story, you can see where this is going.)

Now, I don't always remember to screenshot things, and my screenshots aren't particularly well-organized, so I don't have a lot of visual material for my man Haurchefant. You first meet him during a segment of A Realm Reborn when you're attempting to locate Cid's airship, and dealing with the Ishgardians. While they're mostly religious isolationists at this point, Haurchefant welcomes you rather more warmly and openly, to the best his ability and rank can afford him to. You assist him a few times, and he is consistently the most helpful hand and face in the whole of their region.

It's under his guidance you're able to escape from the major regions after being framed for assassination, to House Fortemps, the house he calls home as a knight and bastard son. (Ishgard has some of that Noble Houses stuff going on.) He's super chill. He's a bro. You interact with him a lot during Heavensward.

Ruva ventures forth in the surrounding region of Coerthas, assisting Ishgard with trying to end a war that has lasted a millenium, makes enough money to purchase an apartment, decorates it for her friends, and, one night, stops and gets to think:

"Soon, I won't be trapped in this body any longer."

It's the night before the servers drop for The Maintenance That Installs The New Expansion, and I finally come to the Vault. You're trying to save a different person, Ser Aymeric, who's been INSTRUMENTAL in keeping you safe and helping sort things out in Ishgard from being captured and possibly killed trying to confront his father. I ask my friends to assist, since this is the last thing I'll be doing narratively before Ruva Fjura finally gets her magic HRT shipped in. (Mechanically I've had the consumable since before the end of A Realm Reborn, but narratively.)

ou join him to run off after your friend, but suddenly, an enemy knight who had been standing on the tower walls of the building behind you launches a spear of light your way. Haurchefant tries to do his best to intercept it, defend you, block it with his shield, but…

It's too powerful.

The wound is too deep. Your companions' best healing cannot hope to stop his injuries enough to heal him. You're here in his final moments.

He looks up at you, and delivers the line that nobody in my friend group, myself included, could have predicted would utterly decimate me.

"Oh, do not look at me so."

This is one of the most famous lines from Heavensward, involving to my experience on of the biggest character deaths in the series. It's touching, but on its own it probably would not have hit me as hard as what happens next. Because he says this, and the camera immediately cuts back, to Ruva.

Pre-HRT.

... ... About two years before I started playing Final Fantasy XIV, my father died suddenly. The details aren't important, but given that I had never had a great relationship with him growing up, I didn't feel that loss as much as my sister, and the rest of my family, did. Atop this, it takes a lot to make me cry, just because of the kind of person I am. I can feel strongly, but I usually just feel tense, and achey, and anxious, far before any tears flow.

A year ago, I had started really started feeling out how I expressed and embraced my gender in real life. Slowly, but more than I'd done in the previous three decades. I'd started wearing dresses, changed hairstyles, dyed my hair, asked my family to call me Astra rather than my birth name. I didn't get to show my father this side of me. I started this journey after his death. He never got to see me be who I really want to be, who I really am. And- And I just-

And that potion is in-transit, it's coming tomorrow, and this man, this close companion, an elezen who has never treated me as anything less than the woman I have always been, who sees The Warrior of Light and thinks 'friend', is dying. He is dying right in front of me, and his final words are commenting on a face that doesn't feel truly mine! He never got to see me be who I really want to be, who I really am-

I sat there. In the voice call with the friends who had assisted me in that dungeon run, who I'd been sharing my experiences in the game with, who had told me to make these cutscenes the last thing Ruva did before Dawntrail's release.

And I sobbed.

----------------------------------------

A few days pass. Dawntrail drops. I log in, use the Fantasia, and log out so I can enter the options. I fiddle with the character creator to get that final polish. I make the Ruva Fjura I bought this fuckin' game to play as. I log back in.

Before I do anything else, I travel to the highest point I can get to in Coerthas. Nothing else matters. I have taken the fantastical gender potion, Ruva has finally achieved that which she first started adventuring to achieve. And she has to get as close to the heavens as she can.

I have to make sure he can see.

----------------------------------------

I have fallen into becoming a tank main. I'm a Dark Knight main, though I play most every tank. (It's a little near-impossible, playing a properly effective healer on controller.) I have helped end a war that has lasted a millenium. The head of House Fortemps has gifted me a shield bearing the crest of his household. It is the same sort of shield that my closest friend once used trying to protect me.

In the background is a browser window with information on informed consent clinics within my area, as well as the price of various estrogen medications. The shield I have obtained completes a set I have since worked to put together. I will not lose anyone else without them having seen me for who I want to be. For who I really am.

I will never forget him. I will always honor how he has touched my life.

... now if only Paladin wasn't the most awkward of the tank rotations-

[notquiteapex]

This weekend I came home to relax after a hellish week and to be with family for the holidays. Today I didn't have much to do so I spent the time upgrading my home server, and this is what the old parts are as well as the new parts.

All images in this post include alt text.

Above is my old GT 530, an Old Nvidia card from May 2011. I got this from a friend on the Nintendo Homebrew Discord when I was first beginning to build my first PC. This thing ran hot and loud because of its cooler design. It was extremely power inefficient, but does not have any external power plugs like most modern GPUs do. It is no longer in the server, as the server now has an integrated graphics processor from the new CPU. It has only 1GB of GDDR3, practically nothing compared to what modern GPU's have, but I only used it for the required display output (otherwise the server would not boot).

Above is the old CPU and motherboard (mobo). It's an MSI Z170A Gaming M3, it came bundled with the DEEP COOL CPU cooler for free off eBay back in 2019. The CPU itself is an Intel i7-6700, which a family member gave to me, having 4 cores 8 threads, 3.4 GHz, and 8 MB of cache. There was originallcy an old Intel Celeron in it, don't remember what though. The top PCIe 16x slot is broken off, I plan to attempt to remove the solder and pins on it, install a new PCIe bracket, and give the hardware to someone who needs it more than me rather than just throw it away.

Here is the mess of cables that is front half of the server. I 3D printed an open air bed for the motherboard back when I first built the machine. On the other side is the power supply, hard drive slots, and a network switch. There is currently only a 256GB NVME for the Ubuntu Server image, 6TB HDD for mass storage (two partitions, redundant) and a 1TB SSD (not in use) connected. This is what VodBot writes to, to archive VODs and Clips. I plan to get a bigger HDD and run ZFS on it with the 1TB SSD used as a caching layer. There is a fan to cool the drive, as spinning plates of iron can get hot. There is also a Raspberry Pi 4 2GB which acts as a PiKVM to interface with the server in case the network interface on the server breaks (which happens a lot more than it should). It uses a cheap $15 HDMI-USB capture card to allow me to see the main terminal remotely. The power supply (a cheap, old EVGA 500W 80+ PSU) also had some work done to it to provide a 2.1mm power jack for the 3.3V and 5V rails.

New specs of the new parts are as follows. CPU is a Ryzen 7 5700G, which is an AMD CPU + integrated Radeon GPU, 8 cores 16 threads, 3.8 GHz and 16 MB of cache (and a butt load of instructions per clock cycle improvements). Cooler is just the AMD Wraith Stealth. Mobo is a Gigabyte B450 Gaming X, my old board before I upgraded to X570. Ram is 4x8GB (total 32GB), running at 3200 MHz CL16, some variant of Ripjaws brand. You can easily see the PiKVM is connected to the board's power and reset switch pins, along with the LED pins.

[littlebless]

Hai der, I decided to vent (?) a lil since I don't really talk much about myself here (or in any social media platform :p)

I was just thinking about how big of a ride this year has been. I've suffered from depression, anxiety and dysphoria (among other stuff) for almost as long as I can remember and I just feel like this was the first year in my life that I've felt different... truly happy 😌

💁‍♀️ It was this year that the effects of HRT started becoming more noticeable and I started feeling more comfortable in my body (my 1st HRT anniversary was in March!) 🙆‍♀️

🎓 It was this year that I became sure that I'm in the right course. I'm a 2nd year college student and am studying psychology. All of it just makes so much sense, it is reaaally interesting, more than I thought it would be after my boring first year hehehe 👩‍🎓

👨‍👧 It was this year that I met daddy irl. He has been a huge source of support, be it physically, emotionally or bloggigally hehe I love him so so much, I really couldn't ask for a better one. Also shoutout to my mommy, whom I also love a lot and is also a huge source of support for me, even though we can't be together irl👩‍👧

📸 It was this year that I started this blog, something I've dreamed of doing for a long time. As if that wasn't enough, it blew up pretty quickly, to my surprise, since I was still pretty insecure about my body. It has helped A LOT with that! I have also met plenty of wonderful people who are now my friends 🤗 even though I didn't really use any social media before (not much, at least), I don't regret any of this in the slightest, even if it can get a lil overwhelming at times 😅 thank you so much for being a part of it ❤🍼

🚀 It was this year that I started making paid content. I have to admit that it is harder than I imagined, to the point where I was feeling pressured to wear diapers more often than I felt comfortable, just so I could post a ton of pics all the time... it can be tiring to turn something you do in order to relax into something you HAVE to do and that was making wearing diapies less enjoyable :( which is why I cut down the subscription price and am now updating less often c:

On the other hand, it is only because of this that I've been able to afford diapies at all (special thanks to @james23slipknot for getting my first 3 packs after starting this blog ❤). I can only be in college because I have a full scholarship (which I'll lose if I get a job), my mum earns the minimum wage and my dad refuses to support me in any way, so I've always worried a lot about money and avoided spending it in things like diapies. It is thanks to my subscribers that I'm able to get them without feeling guilty 😌 I've been avoiding talking about this because I don't wanna be misunderstood, I'm not in a terrible situation, I have enough money to survive, I just can't spend much on things for myself. All of this to say that that is why I really can't thank my subscribers enough 🥰🥰 when I say that it is thanks to them that I'm able to make content at all, I mean it. Without them, you'd only be getting updates here once in a blue moon :p 💫

🌈 It was this year that I started feeling actually happy with my life for the first time. I was still deeply depressed during January, February and maybe March, but then all of this started happening. I have definitely grown A LOT and also feel a lot more active, productive, motivated and that I can actually have a future I'm happy with. This year has a been a wild ride and I have a feeling 2022 will be another one 😊

Thank you so much for accompanying me on this journey 🥰 I hope you'll still be here with me next year 😁💫

🎊

Happy Holidays

Merry Christmas And a Happy New Year

🎉🎅❤

[theonceoverthinker]

OUAT Rewatch 4x12 - Darkness on the Edge of Town

I hope my knowlEDGE on this episode will make for an engaging review! XD

...Yeah, this was a hard one to make a pun for. I miss the ice puns already.

Anyway, as I said, just below the cut, there’s an honestly fairly short review by my regular standards. If you feel like checking it out, go below the cut!

So, if you’re at all familiar with my reviews, by now you know that I usually post my main takeaways here, but this time, I don’t really have them and what I do have to say is small enough to not need a ton of elaboration. So instead, we’re gonna skip it this time and just go right to the Stream of Consciousness! With that being said...

Stream of Consciousness

-”Tried to impregnate.” Not even one minute in and we get a hentai joke!!! XD I love this series!

-You know, the music that play in the Storybrooke owner sounds like a somewhat harsher version of what is later the happy endings montage in Season 6, as if to say a lot is right, but not everything.

-I would honestly love more Snow and Bird interactions! XD

-Wait, so is Granny’s just closed, or is she babysitting WHILE running a popular diner! This woman is a freakin’ superhero! Also, where’s David?

-I love how Belle actually thinks to reach out to people outside the fairy tale world.

-”How could I have been so weak?” MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY.  

-”You -- you should’ve been stronger, but you weren’t, and well...neither was I.” No. I love Killian, Belle, but there was a difference between Killian being sort of manipulated (sort of -- the present segment of “The Apprentice” just sucks) and being straight up lied to.

-”I just hope he’s found whatever it is he’s looking for.” Umm, considering when you last saw him, he was looking to kill people and take over the world, you probably shouldn’t hope that! XD

-I repeat what I asked in the last episode: WHY are all of these fairytale creatures living in New York! I love my home state, but it is EXPENSIVE!

-You know, I just feel really bad for Ursula. We don’t see enough of what she did as a villain to hate her in any way and in this world, apparently all she can afford to eat is RAMEN! That is so fucking sad! This woman does not deserve this!

-”What you do is complain.” And what you do is mooch, Rumple! Don’t bitch at the person who is hosting you, especially when she’s pissed! See, the one thing about being a coward (And I am a big fucking coward) is that we’re not confrontative when we don’t have the power! XD

-I love the implication that Cruella just went around our land AND landed a rich husband with the name “Cruella.” XD

-You know, CAN Cruella kill in a land without magic? Because no one else’s magic works, so maybe she’s been free all along! ...But then again, she probably would’ve killed her husband, so I guess it’s more of a reverse Weaver situation. Actually, to serve my point, at the end of the scene, Cruella drives down and like by all means, should’ve killed this guy but instead gets flung back into a bush! The universe is conspiring against her!

-”Aren’t you tired of feeling ordinary?” Please, even in this world, Cruella’s far from ordinary! Besides, for the wham line that this is, Cruella’s problem wasn’t that she was ordinary -- it’s that she couldn’t kill!

-Okay, so apparently Regina has a weakness for root beer! I hate the stuff, but good to know!

-I love how Killian smiles at Belle as she tells them that she did it! He’s so proud!

-Cruella’s power is so fucking cool! She can not only control animals, BUT she can have her commands spread from one animal to another. Like, how did this woman not at the very least take over a whole town with an army of rhinos?

-How come Mal’s staff absorbed the fire instead of just...Mal? She’s a fire breathing dragon! Give her some extra fire!

-Or...CAN Cruella kill? Because Rumple knows she can’t kill, but is still afraid?

-I know that Blue and Regina are far from friends, but it’s weird how much focus is put on their dynamic in this episode. There’s a lot of hesitation whenever they interact and given how little they interact on a regular basis, it’s odd.

-Why wouldn’t Blue not know or even not think about the possibility of the Author working for The Sorcerer, or vice versa?

-When did Isaac have the time to leave these “hidden clues?” And how come neither Merlin nor The Apprentice had anything to say about them if they were rumors?

-”This isn’t our first monster bash.” I honestly love how freakin’ well oiled this town is at times!

-I’m honestly curious what a 4B where the Queens of Darkness do decide to leave Rumple behind would look like. Because Cruella would’ve at least considered it, let’s be honest. I’m not saying I’d have preferred that, but I would totally read a fic of that universe.

-You know, I like the subtle costume details of just how destitute Rumple’s life has become. Everything from his phone to his cane are of poorer quality and his coat looks like he got it out of Goodwill. It a really good instance of costuming telling a story.

-”The sea bitch.” To my knowledge, you and Ursula have never met! Why are you calling her a bitch?

-”Swallows the heart with the darkest potential.” I’m trying to think about this in regards to Emma, the character we’re supposed to believe fulfills that role. I mean, sort of. I can see her intelligence, ability to detect lies, and connection to her family and friends to have potential to be abused to the detriment of others. It’s an interesting concept. And given how life in Storybrooke, while rewarding in a lot of senses, has made her life complicated as all hell, I can see her having a lot of baggage about it.

-David, welcome to the fucking episode! Seriously, was Josh just sick this week or something?

-”What made you choose yellow?” I love how Regina asks this as a means of not freaking the fuck out that a Chernabog is chasing her! It’s a very Regina thing to comment on and it’s hysterical because of it!

-I like how Emma points out the hypocrisy at play with her parents not trusting these two lower tier villains.

-”Not as horrible as I once was. And if I deserve a second chance, so do they. How can I sit here looking for my happiness and deny two others a chance at theirs?” This is a FANTASTIC Regina speech. It really shows how Regina’s grown to be more self aware and better equipped to help redeem other villains.

-I kind of wish Rumple had more of a scared reaction to the possibility of not being let into Storybrooke. Like, the rest of his life depends on this.

-”Make friends, build relationships.” And NONE of this ever happens! XD

Favorite Dynamic

The Queens of Darkness and Rumple - These guys are the main dynamic and they really do provide the most entertainment value. First, I want to point out how cool it is that Rumple is the one with power (both actual and figurative) in the past segment while the queens are in the present. That’s just interesting storytelling. Second, what I love about them in the present is that they get just as exasperated as we do about how frustratingly vague Rumple often is and that they use their power in the situation to get him to fucking stop to some degree. Their frustration slowly but noticeably builds up in the episode as Rumple continues not really saying anything and finally explodes and that is honestly really cathartic to watch. For as much as I love Rumple for how cryptic he can be, its a quality of his character that can easily be overdone and in a meta-sense, this was pointed out in-universe and almost prevents him from losing his own plan of revenge.

Writer

Adam and Eddy start up our half season with a solid start. Again, there’s not a lot to say here because while these two episodes have stories, they’re not so much rooted in something like theme which can be analyzed. The characters are all in solid form, and Regina’s in particularly great form. I will say though, there is a clunkiness to a lot of the lines. Sometimes, it’s a matter of people giving weird exposition or explaining things in a way that characters shouldn’t be able to understand (Ex. The entire middle of Killian and Belle’s discussion, Rumple telling Ursula and Cruella about being the Oxford professor).

Rating

10/10. I feel like there’s a singular word to describe this episode: Utilitarian. It’s all setup and a bit of tying loose ends up with a really basic ‘working together is good’ storyline in the past and sort of present. That’s not to say that it’s bad -- far from it. It just means that there’s not a lot of story to comment on. But this is a good version of setting up a story and biting off a loose end of two. There’s a lot of fun and interesting dynamics, it’s great to see all of our main heroes working together, and the queens get to show off the bulk of their charisma and intrigue.

Flip My Ship - The Home of All Things “Shippy Goodness”

Captain Swan - I love the bits of domesticity we get with Emma and Killian here. You can see that they’re really gotten the most out of these six weeks and have integrated themselves into each others lives. Like, the sequence at the beginning of the episode implies that this is a normal morning for the people of Storybrooke and Emma and Killian are literally part of each others routines! That shit is just too fucking cute!!! I’mma also plug my fic “Hero,” which is based around this episode. It’s one of my better work in my humble opinion and deals directly with Killian’s doubts in his own heroism that he displays in the hallway scene. Speaking of which, I do like the hallway scene. While I don’t like Emma giving Killian a total free pass, I do think that with the fairies, it’s warranted and deserved given how he very clearly didn’t want to go through with it.

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Thank you all for reading this pretty relaxed review. Sorry for all the delays lately, but I’m hoping I can pick up the pace from here.

Also, shoutout to @watchingfairytales and @daensarah. See you all next time!

Season 4 Total (105/230)

Writer Scores: Adam and Eddy: (34/60) Jane Espenson: (20/40) David Goodman and Jerome Schwartz: (30/50) Andrew Chambliss: (14/50) Dana Horgan: (6/30) Kalinda Vazquez: (14/40) Scott Nimerfro: (14/30) Tze Chun (8/20)

Operation Rewatch Archives

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[sweetlittlehawke]

Keep Moving Forward

It’s December. Yknow what that means! Let’s reflect on the year. When I made  a post like this last year, it was a hopeful thing. I was excited about the coming year, because I was excited that I’d finally met some people I could hang out with. I love Alea and Brooke to the moon and back, but only having two friends for most of my life is not the best. As much as I denied it for years, my mum’s right. I’m very social. I have social anxiety. But I am a very social person. So, if you wanna read about all that, it’s under a read more. Cause fucking hell did this get long.

So, this year started and I was single, I was in Unity, I was in school, and I was living with my parents. By May I was not single and I was not in Unity. Shortly after that- because end of the semester and stuff and things happening- I was no longer in school or living with my parents. At this point in the year, I’m still not single, nor in Unity (as I doubt I’ll ever go back. To the troupe at least, I absolutely wanna go back to taking classes), or in school. But I have plans to go back to school. I’m halfway to being able to afford a car, and then saving for an apartment, so Sammy and I can go to Cleveland. Because I wanna be close to my friends. I don’t like most of the people I live with presently, and neither does Sam. So we’re gonna move out in July when the lease is up on our place. 

When I made this post last year, I talked about the only table top rpgs I’d played was a D&D 5e oneshot, a game of Roll for Shoes, and was just then stepping into a campaign. Needless to say, that changed. A lot. I’ve played West Marches to it’s end. I’ve been in Alex’s Pathfinder campaign for a year. I spent a semester in Andrew’s Pathfinder campaign (and met my girlfriend through that). I’ve spent two semesters in Jacob’s 5e campaign. I’ve started a campaign of my own at Breakout to get those people into D&D. I’ve gone so far with this, and I love it. I love every second of it. I also mentioned that I’d kinda started in Magic, but hadn’t put any money towards it. That didn’t last either. I’ve built my own custom deck, and that def required spending money. Once Andrew got me a starter deck it was downhill from there. I don’t play a ton, but Magic def did get my interest.

Last year I kinda just made lil shoutouts to Scott, Trevi, and Andrew. But this year I have so many more people to talk about, and to be thankful for. Because they’re not just new people that I’m kinda sorta friends with. They’re my family. So lemme go through this. Lemme take a bit, to talk about this gaggle of people I’ve found, that I love. 

It’s primarily the Pathfinder group. The original Pathfinder group. Alex, Jacob, Andrew, Thomas, Susannah, Molly, and Will. Most of these people are also the people in West Marches, but there are some West Marches people that aren’t in Pathfinder. People like Joey and Adriana, Freddie, Michael, and of course, Trevi and Scott. Now, to go into detail about the specific people, and why I love them.

Alex is just, great. I don’t always feel like I’m super close with him, but he does pay attention to everyone in the group. We recently had a session that really hit that fact home. It was a Christmas session, because it’s December what else are we gonna do? Each of our characters had gifts, and these gifts meant something to each of us. Outside of games though, he’s just as attentive. He’s always supportive, and very understanding of when people need distance or aid. He’s encouraging, and frankly I’m not sure I’ve ever heard him say something bad against anyone. Ambiguous maybe, but never bad.

Jacob- fucking hell this guy. He’s literally the sweetest man I’ve ever met. He’s always trying to help, and encourage people. If he knows he’s done something wrong he apologizes and does whatever it takes to fix it. He knows I’m short on money, so whenever I’m around he’s always offering to buy me food- or just straight up give me his food. He even bought Sammy’s Christmas present for me, because I’m just too broke to do it. I don’t understand how someone can be that selfless?? Jacob wtf?? You’re too good??

Andrew. What an asshole. I love him though. He- quite frankly- is half the reason I’m so close with the Pathfinder group. I befriended him easier than I befriended the others. He’s the one that got me into Pathfinder. At first he seems quiet, and kinda apathetic, he’s incredibly forgetful. But he cares. I got scared one time that I’d fucked up a friendship, and in his awkward Andrew way, he gave me 3 Magic cards and a hug as comfort. It may not sound like much, but giving away Magic cards is a big deal for Andrew. This nerd is also the reason I met my girlfriend, so yknow.

Admittedly, I’m not as close with Thomas as I am some of the others. His personality clashes with mine, so I don’t typically talk to him one on one. But he’s part of the group. We all poke fun at him, but we all poke fun at everyone. This family of ours wouldn’t be the same without him. It’d be too quiet.

Susannah is a darling. I haven’t seen her as much recently, because she dropped out of the Pathfinder campaign, and I haven’t been at school. But we still talk from time to time here on tumblr, or the very rare occasion we see each other on campus we always stop to give each other a hug and say hello. Because our friend group had a hellish spaghetti mess of relationships, and we had a good relationship through that. The guy I liked liked her, and it was kinda rough, but we just helped each other. Then when that spaghetti mess was over, and I was getting with Sammy, she was one of the people I’d text like “Holy shit Sam is so cute HELP”

Molly is the best. She- like Susannah- isn’t in Pathfinder this semester, so I haven’t seen her as much. But she had a similar position in the spaghetti mess but without being so tied to me. She just was right next to Susannah and was super supportive as well. She was the other person I texted about Sam. Cause group chats. I’d text her and Susannah together. But even though we don’t see each other a ton, we’re still close. Hell we’re looking at getting an apartment together next summer.

I really never think I’m that close to Will. He’s very quiet, and he’s not very affectionate, so it’s sometimes hard to tell if he actually likes being around people or he’s just dealing with us. But, after a year of being around him, I’m pretty sure he does actually like us. I think he’s just introverted. He doesn’t want to get in people’s way, so he sits to the side and is quiet. But also, his character in Pathfinder was 110% tryna get another PC laid and Will and Susannah both were willing to let me in on that. So, yeah, pretty sure Will is cool with me. We just have different ways of showing that.

Joey and Adriana I’ll talk about together, because I swear these two are inseparable. When I first met them I thought they were dating, but no they’re just very affectionate- and I can’t blame them for that. I’m the same way with Scott and Trevi. I’ve still not gotten to talk to them a ton, but the conversations I’ve had with them have been good. They seem very light hearted on the surface, just comparing ourselves to our characters, but really that says a lot about us. 

Freddie and Michael, I’ll also put together. Not because they’re together all the time, but because I have less to say about them. I don’t know either as well, but they’re both very warm people. It’s easy to become friends with these two. Freddie loves to rub my hair, cause of course half of it is shaved. Michael’s just akin to a ray of sunshine tbh. 

Trevi. Where do I even start? To just say you’re my friend isn’t enough. You’re more than that. You’re fun to be around and talk to, and dance with. You’re relatable and silly and serious and helpful and supportive. You’ve given me a place to sleep when I was too tired to go home. When you graduated I was terrified of you leaving, either going back home or going out to Cali to get a doctorate, cause I knew you’d talked about it. I didn’t wanna lose you. I’d just gotten to know you. Then you stayed here, and I’m glad. Cause you’re my friend and I love you. A couple weeks ago as you were leaving you signed “I love you”. You had your back turned but there was a window in front of you, so idk if you saw, but I signed it back. Cause I really do.

Now Scott. You sir, have literally changed my life. I would not have met most of the people I’ve talked about. I’d have met Trevi, but without D&D as a common ground, idk that we’d have ended up so close. So thank you, for introducing me to D&D. Thank you for being my DM. Because honestly, no matter how many DMs I have, no matter how great they are. You will always be my DM, because you were the first. And now, you’re graduating. You’re leaving school, and you’re going to Columbia. I’m gonna miss you. As selfish as it is, I don’t want you to leave. I’m glad you’re going to keep moving forward, as we all should. But fucking hell will I miss you. You’ve led me on adventures, fighting monsters and demons, I’ve made pacts with Eldritch gods and become War itself. So you go. You go, live your adventures. Write your stories and play your parts. Keep Moving Forward. But you better get your ass back here and visit from time to time okay? Cause I’m gonna miss you. I’m gonna miss your free hugs, and the meowing, and the hair ruffles, and hugs so tight I feel like you’re bout to crack a rib, and the games, and the stories, and just everything. I’m gonna miss you, and I love you.

This past year, and every one of the people I’ve mentioned have changed me. There’s more people I could talk about. Alea, and Brooke, and Tommy, and Sammy, and Tahli, and Sebastian, and Kenna. My actual family. My cousin and my best friend, who I don’t feel the need to write about, because duh I appreciate them. Duh I love them. Tommy and Sammy who’ve both had their own impacts. Who have both changed my life in their own ways. Then Tahli, Kenna, and Sebastian. My nieces and nephew. Tahli, who wormed her way into my heart in an instant, and got me to a place where I actually cared for the other two. Because for so long I shrugged at Kenna. She lives across the country she’s not gonna know me. But then when Sebastian came along, I was so used to Tahli and her reaction any time I walk in the door. Then Sebastian got hurt, and it wrecked me. Because no, he’s tiny, he’s fragile, this shouldn’t happen to a six month old baby. I was so scared to hold him at Thanksgiving because I didn’t want to hurt him. 

I just. I love my friends. I love that I can say that. Because two years ago I hardly had friends to love, and I certainly didn’t feel like they should love me back. Last year I had a few more friends, and I was feeling a bit better about myself. But this year I’ve realized. It’s not just that I have friends that I love. But that they love me just as much. During intermediate acting Abby called me a yankee candle, cause I apparently had a warm, homey, aura. I felt like that was weird, cause I’m so used to being Shadow. I’m used to being ignore, glanced over. But then suddenly, I have friends that won’t do that. Friends that pay attention and love me. I’m still not sure how to handle that, but I’m doing the best I can. 

[destination-kalafina]

Chapter 1 “Old Flames”

Author’s note: HAPPY BIRTHDAY HIKARU!!!

I know it is a few hours past her birthday in Japan, but it is now July 2 in the US, so let’s keep the celebration going!! I had made it my goal about a week ago to get this story up in time for Hi-chan’s birthday, and luckily, I actually got it completed! The past week has been so busy, with working and moving into a new home, that I was afraid it wouldn’t be done in time, but I had to make sure it happened for our adorable cinnamon roll.

I will never be able to thank this woman enough, for catching my attention with her fierceness and being the sole reason I looked further into Kalafina. I am forever grateful to her and so glad that she was born onto this earth to slay our hearts with her talent. May her 30th year of life be filled with joy, laughter, success, and LOTS of anime!!（╹◡╹）♡

Disclaimer: This story has an entirely fictional character, who DOES NOT exist in real life in any way, shape, or form. The male MC is only a figment of my imagination! Also, shoutout to one of my best friends irl @hanjurg for giving me editing suggestions and letting me steal her ideas!

Chapter One

“Ohayoo, Hikaru-san! Ohayoo, Hikaru-san! Okiru jikan dayo!” [Translation: Good morning, Hikaru-san! Good morning, Hikaru-san! It’s time to get up!]

The sound of Hikaru’s morning alarm clock resonated throughout her bedroom, an obnoxious blaring that never failed to wake her up. She had set it to be a loud ringing noise accompanied by a speaking voice, something she couldn’t sleep through even if she tried.

Hikaru’s eyes slowly opened to the bright sunshine gleaming through her window and filling her room with light. As the alarm continued to go off, she ruffled around in her bed, pulling the sheets over her head and groaning internally. Groggily, she reached out one hand out from under the blanket to grab her phone, turning off the alarm clock.

It’s only 8:00… It can’t be time to get up already, she thought, sighing.

Wanting to lay there for a few more minutes, Hikaru closed her eyes again. Being the sleep lover that she is, she always felt a little sad inside when it was time for her to wake up, no matter what the time was. It usually took a lot out of her to find the motivation to get up and start her day.

That is unless… there was something she was really looking forward to.

Remembering why she had set her alarm so early, Hikaru bolted up from her bed and threw the covers off of herself.

Today is the day!!

Excitedly, Hikaru quickly showered and dressed, throwing on a casual and comfortable outfit. She glanced in the mirror, making sure she looked at least a little decent before venturing outside, and then ran into the kitchen to grab a small breakfast that would hold her over for a couple of hours. After turning off all her lights, she grabbed her purse and headed out the door.

It was the day that a new manga series was debuting, one that she had been looking forward to ever since it was announced back in early January. It was now the beginning of November, and Hikaru had been awaiting this moment for months.

Hikaru hopped in her car, started the engine, and took off. She was very fortunate to have learned how to drive because it had become very useful, despite there being numerous modes of public transportation all across Japan. As crazy as it may have sounded, the young girl still lived with her parents a little on the outskirts of Tokyo, and the use of a car became quite helpful at times, especially when she was in a rush like now. When she first joined Kalafina, they decided it would be best and most affordable for the whole family if they all moved closer to the city together, and even up until the present, they had become used to this way of living.

Hikaru didn’t mind it. Rather, with all the traveling Kalafina did yearly, it would have been foolish for her to have gotten an apartment on her own and always have been gone from it. 

While driving, the excited girl turned on the radio to her favorite local station.

“…and the renowned author of the long-awaited manga is expected to be here at any moment. The event doesn’t start for another three hours, but the crowds have already begun to fill up quickly. At this rate, if people don’t arrive in the next hour, there won’t be enough limited copies for them!”

Hikaru’s eyes widened, and she stepped on the gas a little more. There weren’t many things that could get Hikaru up bright and early, but a limited edition manga release where the author was present to debut it was definitely one of them. The other exception was, of course, Kalafina events, but luckily, today was a day off from work. This was a particularly rare moment for Hikaru, to be free from her job while something like this was going on, and she was going to be there no matter what.

There is no way I can miss this!!

Hikaru arrived at the bookstore in due time and was greeted by a swarm of people just like she had heard not too long ago. The radio definitely wasn’t exaggerating when it said there were a million fans waiting for the event.

The crowd was huge and the line was nearly a mile out the door, but Hikaru wasn’t expecting anything less before she came to the store. After all, it was only today when you could get this limited copy of the manga, and moreover get it signed by the author himself. 

As she got into the line, Hikaru sighed a little, relieved that she made it in time. All there was to do now was wait.

Several hours later, Hikaru stood near the exit of the store, holding a copy of the newly released manga, one with a bonus edition toward the end with a detailed publication on how the story came into idea. She couldn’t help but grin from ear to ear while gazing over the glossy signature.

Even though the event took nearly 3 hours of waiting and standing around, Hikaru couldn’t have felt more energized and elated. She was quirky like that, finding joy out of ordinary hobbies many people wouldn’t find this exciting. It had always been this way with her.

I can’t wait to get home and start, she said to herself, deciding she was going to spend the rest of the day dedicated to reading and re-reading the manga, as well as the bonus at the end. I really got lucky, didn’t I?

Hikaru carefully tucked the book away in her bag, making sure it was wrapped and safe from damage. As she was about to disperse from the crowd and make her way out of the bookstore, a certain shelf to her right caught her eye.

“Shakespeare”

There was a huge sign for the section, and the sight of it reminded Hikaru of something important. She walked over to the shelf and began browsing the works, running her fingers over the novels.

Hikaru had forgotten that she made it one of her goals to read another Shakespeare play this year, the plan having gotten lost among all the Kalafina schedules and events. Now that the year was almost over and she had just remembered her goal, she really had to buckle down and complete the resolution.

The avid reader contemplated which work she should read next, glancing over the names on the spines. She pulled out a copy of A Midsummer’s Night Dream, and began reading over the first few pages.

Deep in thought, Hikaru didn’t notice that someone had come up behind her during her time perusing the shelf. Out of nowhere, a male’s voice spoke up.

“Reading the English version, are you? That’s impressive.”

Startled, Hikaru shut the book and turned around. She faced a handsome-looking man with a gentle face, perhaps a few inches taller than she was. He had short, dark hair with strong facial features. Even at first glance, one could really see the kindness in his eyes and smile.

“Oh!” Hikaru replied, blushing slightly. “It’s nothing… I just try to read the original version every now and then to enhance my English knowledge some…”

“That’s pretty cool,” the man said, walking up to the bookshelf himself and taking out a copy of Hamlet. “Masai Hikaru-san, isn’t it?” he asked, nonchalantly looking at his book.

Surprised that this stranger knew who she was, Hikaru turned her head toward him again upon hearing her own name.

“Y-yes,” she stuttered, slightly embarrassed about the acknowledgement for whatever reason. “How do you know…?”

Hikaru trailed off, perplexed by the situation. The amused man looked up from his book and smirked.

“You do know you sing in a group who performs the songs of one of the most famous anime music producers in the country, right?” he noted, laughing.

Hikaru smiled sheepishly. Despite being a member of a popular girl group in Japan, the young woman was always shocked when people recognized her in public, or knew about Kalafina for that matter. Even after all these years, it still amazed her, to know that people she has never met before knew about her.

“Ah, yes, I do…” Hikaru said shyly.

The man glanced back down and turned the page. “And besides that…” he took a small pause. “We were in the same class back in high school.”

Caught off guard by the sudden claim, Hikaru seemed to be frozen in time for a few seconds. It had been nearly a decade since she attended high school and it wasn’t a time she often thought about.

Hikaru searched the depths of her brain, trying to match a name to the face she was looking at. She was not one to forget things easily. In fact, she had a great memory and retained information very quickly. For some reason, however, this one kept escaping her.

Amused by the girl’s silence, the man chuckled and finally closed the book shut, directing all of his attention to the person standing in front of him.

“You don’t remember me, do you?” he asked.

Hikaru scratched the back of her neck, embarrassed and slightly frustrated that she could not recall his identity. She shook her head slowly and frowned, a look of apologeticness clearly written across her face.

“Remember the last school festival…? Before the fireworks…” he began, trying to jog her memory some.

Somehow, those few words were all it took. All of a sudden, all the faded memories from Hikaru’s years in high school came flooding back to her.

“Ken?! Hitoshi Ken?” she exclaimed.

The man smiled and nodded, confirming Hikaru’s assumptions. “So you do remember…”

Speechless, Hikaru stood there, mouth half open. She tried to think of something to say, but the words kept escaping her.

This was Hitoshi Ken. The first boy to ever have confessed his love to her.

Back in her high school days, Hikaru was an extremely shy and quiet girl, significantly more than she was now. She was also incredibly studious and disciplined, so much that she focused all of her time on preparing for her future. In her youth, Hikaru had always known that she wanted to become a singer, and it was around her time in high school that she began to make this dream a reality.

Because of this, Hikaru limited herself from many activities a typical teenager would do and missed out on a lot of experiences, among these the opportunity to date and fall in love. Her mother had told her that it was best not to get romantically involved with anyone, since Hikaru never knew where her singing career might take her. Following her mother’s advice, Hikaru guarded herself and turned down many boys at the time, not allowing herself to get caught up in young relationships.

One of these boys was the man standing in front of her currently. Hikaru didn’t think she would ever face the problem, since she never truly built a stable friendship with any of her male classmates. However, one night, she was completely surprised, by a bold classmate who caught her the night of their last school festival in high school, right before the fireworks show at the end. She remembered standing in an open field by herself, having momentarily slipped away from all the people at the celebration. She was enjoying the night sky that was soon about to be filled with exploding lights when someone came up to her, interrupting her solitude.

“Hitoshi-san! What are you doing here? You should be back with the rest of the school,” she had said to him.

“Masai-san… I am sorry to have followed you all the way out here but is it okay if I ask you something?” he said, nervously fidgeting around his hands.

“Oh, sure! What is it?”

There was a short pause, but the words after that came quickly.

“You see… I have had a crush on you for the longest time! I have always admired your scholarliness and determination! There’s just something about you I can’t stop thinking about and well… I was wondering…” he looked down, still playing with his hands. “…if you would be interested in going on a date sometime?”

Similar to how she was now, at the time, Hikaru was speechless. She didn’t know how to react, shocked that someone actually felt that way about her. Although there were several more incidents like this that occurred, it was the first time anyone ever confessed his feelings to her. In the end, she responded the only way she could.

“Oh, Hitoshi-san. I am so flattered, but I’m afraid for certain reasons, I just can’t have that kind of relationship right now…”

The rejection clearly hurt the young boy at the time, and it saddened Hikaru to an extent too. Part of her wanted to say yes and to be able to have a normal teenage love experience; however, the other part of her knew that under her circumstances, she had to stay true to her dream of becoming a singer.

Hikaru continued to stare at the man in front of her, finally being able to process everything that was happening slowly. Could it really be…?

It was no wonder it had taken her so long to remember who he was. It was a memory she buried deep down in her mind because of the unpleasantness, along with all the memories similar to it.

After what seemed like forever, Hikaru snapped back to reality and found her voice again. “Hitoshi-san… It’s been years, hasn’t it? I never would have expected to see you, especially at an event like this? Are you a fan of this author’s work?”

Ken shifted in his spot and rubbed the back of his head, chuckling. “Well, if I’m being honest, I had no idea this event was going on. I came here by chance to pick up a novel I’ve been wanting to read and was met with this massive crowd.”

“Oh, I see,” Hikaru replied. “Did you manage to get the book?”

Ken put the copy of Hamlet he was holding back on the shelf and looked back at Hikaru.

“I actually just got here not too long ago, so I haven’t looked. I saw you out of the corner of my eye and didn’t want to miss the opportunity to have a chat so I came over here first. Like you said, it has been years after all,” he commented, smiling.  

Watching his face, Hikaru couldn’t help but smile back. “Well, Hitoshi-san, I have to admit it is quite a shock to see one of my old acquaintances from so long ago.”

“It is a surprise for me too…” the man answered.

There was a short silence, Ken thinking about what he wanted to say next. After a moment, he gathered his thoughts again.

“Listen, about what happened back in high school… I was young and naive then, I didn’t know what I was saying or what I wanted. It kind of makes me cringe just thinking about it, the audacity I had to chase after a girl I never talked to,” Ken shuddered playfully.

Hikaru laughed. He definitely is amusing.

“Ah, don’t worry about it. I don’t think anyone knows what they want at that age, and I didn’t hold anything against you. I was young and naive myself. I always wished I put myself out there more and got to know people better back then,” she said, reminiscing about the past.

Ken continued. “Well, I know you are extremely busy, but if you ever have a moment to spare…” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small name card, handing it to her.

“I’d love to catch up sometime.”

[creacherkeeper]

8, 18, 28, 35, 38

8. Share a snippet from one of your favorite dialogue scenes you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

okay this is from jemma’s chapter of the adoption au holiday fic 

“What do you think is going to happen?”

Jemma blows out a shaky breath. “We’ll be overwhelming, and you’ll get tired of us. Or you’ll realize you don’t want kids. Or we’ll do something bad, and you won’t be able to forgive us. Or you won’t be able to keep affording us. Or you’ll find other kids that you like better. Or …” Jemma’s fists clench on the table. “Or I won’t be good enough, and you’ll see it, and you won’t want me anymore.”

And there’s the heart of the problem, May realizes. “Jemma.” May waits for Jemma to meet her gaze before she continues. “The only person I’m asking you to be is you. And that’s plenty ‘good enough’ for me.”

“It shouldn’t be,” Jemma shoots back, suddenly looking angry, which takes May aback. “I’m insensitive, and not very kind. I’m too angry. I’m competitive. I say all the answers in class and make the other children feel bad. I don’t allow things to make me happy the way they should. I’m damaged.” Tears spring to Jemma’s eyes. “I don’t even know how Fitz puts up with me, and he’s my best friend.”

May takes a moment to figure out how to phrase what she’s going to say. She knows she has to say this right, has to make it count, because this is obviously something that’s been bothering Jemma for a while, and it must’ve taken a lot for her to admit all of it. “Everyone is going to have negative qualities, Jemma,” she starts carefully, “that’s just part of being human. We can’t escape that. We can always work towards bettering ourselves, but no one is going to be perfect. The reason that people love us anyway is because the good they see in us outweighs the bad. Despite the bad things, we find reasons to love each other, and celebrate each other, and want each other in our lives. And despite what you see as bad things, Fitz and I love you, because we think you’re amazing. Because the good things about you shine so bright, that the bad doesn’t even bother us. We’ll take them, as long as we can have you in our lives.”

Jemma’s lips twist, tears threatening to spill over in her eyes.

May leans forward. “And who ever told you that you’re not kind?”

bit of a long snippet whoops :P i just like this scene for the character building. i love writing jemma and exploring jemma’s head and it was fun getting to do this in an au as well, where she’s the same and different all at once. and obv i love mama may so any chance to explore her being a good parent is aces to me 

18. Do you use any tools, like worksheets or outlines?

i actually dont when im writing fic! i did use an outline when i was writing my novel but for fics i p much just wing it. i have an idea of how it’ll go in my head and it may or may not go that way in the end. i dont really write anything long enough to justify an outline though? longest was flower fic and i did not have an outline for that (i also thought it was going to be like 3k though) 

28. Share three of your favorite fic writers and why you like them so much.

well obv @imperfectlychaotic is my favorite aos writer and im not just saying that because she’s my girlfriend and i have to. she was the reason i started writing fic for this fandom in the first place and i’ve constantly been trying to live up to the sheer amount of heart and rhythm her fics have. writing goals 

@agentcalliope has been improving in leaps and bounds in her writing and every new fic shows it. each new one i read im like ‘no wait this one is my new favorite’ but then she writes another one and im like ‘NO WAIT’. she gets bonus points because she writes a lot of brotps that im super into like daisyfitz 

and honestly i havent really been reading a lot of fic lately but whenever im having a bad day i go and read @b00k-freak‘s stuff and it always makes me feel better. its just so sweet and loving and i really need to catch up but i always hoard them for a bad day so i can read a bunch at once. mama may to the max 

there are honestly so many amazing writers in the aos fandom though like yall are 110% better than the actual writers and dont you forget it 

35. Would you ever kill off a canon character?

oh gosh. you know, probably not, unless i had something really good planned? im all about hurt/comfort but the most important part of that is the comfort. i wouldnt write something like that unless i was like doing an in depth exploration of mourning or something. i probably wouldnt though. i like angst, but thats just straight up sad 

38. Talk about a review that made your day.

any review that quotes the reviewer’s favorite lines is guaranteed to make my day. when the person runs out of space in the review and has to make another comment i am 100% jumping up and down and running around the house. but shoutout to @buskidsburgade for being my biggest adoption au cheerleader and always leaving great and insightful reviews on it !!

thank you :D 

[xeezhiah]

7-11 Run 2017: 10.14mi = 16.32km

Unofficial/Adidas miCoach Time is 2:30:14.

That is roughly around 3 minutes early than my first 16k PR last August 2016, so yeah, hello new personal best!

A lot of firsts happened today - it is my first run out of my comfort zone also known as the Mall of Asia Complex because this run is staged in Filinvest City, Alabang. First time also that my whole family sent me off - something that didn’t happen in any of my first eight runs so it is safe to say that it is quite a special start for me because the whole fam took me to the race venue. First time also that I have not used the official singlet because I don’t feel like using it, rather, I used a training top by Cotton On paired with a leggings. It is also the first time that I ran a race in leggings, because it is so freaking cold that I couldn’t afford to wear shorts. First time also that I didn’t bring a bag along which is a bad decision because I wasn’t able to get all the freebies at the race village but it’s okay since I am after the race anyway.

So I have officially survived the dreaded skyway run course - the course that could have been my very first run if only I didn’t chicken out last year. Apparently, it is not scary at all. Although I would admit, it felt like forever running there but I did admire the view especially during daybreak. I couldn’t exactly recall how many airplanes I have counted taking off and landing in - nope, 16K did not reach the airport runway area but from the skyway, planes landing and taking off are obviously visible or perhaps I just know it when a plane from up above is on its final approach for landing or had just taken off. So yeah, along with my chosen spotify playlist, I was counting planes the whole time at the race course. That is the effect of running on your own, maybe coz you have no one to talk to.

I am also guilty of singing while running even if that means catching up on my breath but who cares? I’m enjoying the run and that is more important.

I shift between using my BSI Medicated Spray on my legs and making a pit stop at the medics to have my legs sprayed so as I could get rid of shin pains and cramps. Proven effective. I apparently didn’t need too much of my Lifesavers to fuel me because my hype for this run is more than enough to energize me. I stopped in all hydration tables just because they seem to be too far so I did take advantage of making a hydration stop when I see one.

Somewhere along the course, I was surprised to see one of my high school batch mate present at the event, not as a runner but as EMS. I stopped by to say hi and then carried on.

Truth be told, I really felt that the distance between the start point in Alabang to the U-Turn slot for my category in Bicutan, adjacent to Azure Resort then back to Alabang was more than 16 kilometres. Or maybe I am just not used to running in a very wide road such as the skyway that was closed down so as the runners can experience it the best way possible. At least this time, us runners are not sharing the road with the vehicles although yes, I am sure motorists curses the event because it caused traffic.

The daybreak was a distraction for me also but I wasn’t able to take much fotos of it because I was after breaking my 16K PR. I was too focused on it because unlike the first time, this run was blessed with good weather so it will be a shame for me if I will finish it beyond my PR which is at 2hrs and 33mins. I was aiming for 2.10 again but it doesn’t matter to me if I finish beyond the target as I knew my training was not of quality hence I will not force it. Proud and surprised actually that I finished at 2.30 when I was already expecting that I would finish at somewhere around 2.35-2.40

I started the run with my mobile phone being inside my belt bag but after my second mile, I took it out just because I needed inspiration. Each time I feel tired, I would remind myself why I was doing this run and would look at my mobile phone after, that trick worked its wonders on me because I was able to carry on when there were moments in the run that I just want to sit down and turn back and quit. But no, the purpose and the inspiration kept me going. More of them are revealed on the shoutouts.

It still is surprisingly cold at 6AM, during the final stretch of the run. Damn, I couldn’t believe I managed to survive skyway… at last! Sure it was a good one. Definitely one for the books!

The finish line was different from the start point so it is kind of another first for me as none of the runs I previously joined at had the same set up. Just this one and it was awesome because I finally had a foto with the huge “Finish” banner after I crossed the line.

It was a great experience in general, although yeah, it was kind of a challenge finding my way back home. I had to make three trips just because my feet were too tired to take me to the terminal leading to Pasay. Rather, I opted to take the ones going to Zapote and from there, I took a bus going to Buendia and from Buendia, I rode a jeep leading to Pasay Taft. Before I could even leave Alabang, the jeep that I was riding going to Zapote had to battle the traffic and two accidents, with one even involving the drivers in a fist fight. I’m certain it would be a viral video if someone took time to capture it on video.

Oh, oh, before I forget, it is also the first time I raced with my Adidas Alphabounce. I have been using it on training and it really is true to its name - it sure is “bouncy” that I feel like I’m Tigger (one of my favourite cartoon characters) in each stride. However, because she looks so dirty already, I would have to give her the first bath that she needs and shift back to her older sister, Pureboost X come next race. Alternating the use of my running babies sounds like a good idea anyway.

Now the shoutouts�� first off, to Madam, Aubrey and Aya - taking me to the race venue was a big boost for me so thank you so, so much!

To Ate Abbie, thank you so much for the Cotton On training top you gave me for the holidays. I think I told you that I will use it for my first run this year and I did. I love the comfy feel it gave me the entire time that I didn’t have to worry about the sweating me. You really do know what to get for me, big sister!

To my good friend Chris Santos, bro, I raced this morning with a heavy heart because of your passing. I may be hyper for this run but I have to admit being partly sad. We may have only been friends for a little less than a year but it was really nice knowing you. In a short span of time that we have known each other, we shared stories about our passion - yours was biking and mine was running. I will never forget how you were one of the first few people who convinces me that I should believe I resemble Pia Wurtzbach, but more than that, I will forever remember our last conversation - “Ingat ka lagi and good luck sa mga runs mo and always finish strong" you say, not knowing that it was your way of saying goodbye. I am honoured that we have met and became friends. Rest in peace and ride free in heaven. No more pain for you, bro. No goodbyes also, just see you soon! This run is to celebrate the life you lived, bro! Salamat!

To my sister Eljei Corpuz, I promised this run is for you and I will be true to my word. I would have quit this race after my 4th mile because I really feel so tired and yet there goes my mind telling my body that this is a thanksgiving for you, for each day that you wake up and you’re ready to face your battles anew. You are a strong, beautiful woman who I know will beat cancer’s ass no matter what. You’ve done it once, you can do it again. It sure is an honour for me to run a 10 miler as thanksgiving to God for keeping you alive along with asking Him to heal you all the more and take the cancer away. I’m sure He would in no time. Thank you for being my motivation on this run, sis. I love you and I will see you very soon!

Lastly, John Gerald, your smiles on my lock and home screens did the trick also in keeping me focused in finishing the goal. I remember you laughing at me and telling me how silly I am for screengrabbing your motivational words from our convos and convert them into a collage and set it as lock screen foto, in defense I told you I needed motivation, I needed inspiration and I get both from you - now I hope you realize what I said is real and it is effective. See, I told you, we may not talk often but you keep on inspiring me. You may forget about me but I can tell you now that I have not forgotten you, I will never forget you. Thank you for being my constant good vibes, thank you because the thoughts of you while running kept me singing, happy and fired up to do a strong finish. You’re not just the crushie, you’re not just my heart’s favourite but you are also my inspiration to better myself always so thank you so, so much. And since you were the first one to wish me more runs this year, of course I will also dedicate this run for you. This is just the first so brace yourself coz you might see your name on my shoutouts maybe ten or twelve times more this year. Like I always say, you are loved and appreciated in a way you’re not aware of and I will leave it at that, my dearest.

It is kind of crazy that I have yet to sleep when my body screams for rest. Perhaps I will give in as soon as I have finished eating the Tinapa with Pickles and Achara that I have been craving for days now.

Thank you God for letting me finish strong without adding an injury to my injured foot and for making me run as if I am not nursing an injury.

Congratulations to all my fellow runners who ran this race regardless of the category.

Now the question is, am I going to brave a half mary or downgrade to 10K for SMDC Run?