#i DIDNT have to worry about working . and i was sooo hard on myself and pushed myself to see it through and i shamed myself so bad

[yutadori]

it's so annoying that if i Do choose to give up, i'll feel so so guilty about it. for some reason somethingggg in my brain feels like i have to go through with a job even if it means being absolutely miserable . like . people can try things out and then decide it's not for them . it's normal . and yet

[mourninglamby]

its actually cool to see people dissect minecraft roleplay like this, like to me yeah it was just a block game but the dark subjects matters just intertwined in a way that made it very... strange? i guess?

i feel like to really get it you have to have a certian amount of respect for the story and medium but also scorn of it, like i have sooo many problems with how things went in a million different ways, but i also think that when it worked it worked wonders. so its interesting to me for someone to dig deeper then the surface and really see it for what it was objectively

i hate that its attatched to the minecraft youtuber fandom in general because for the majority of time i was wathcing I was soley in it for a story, I dont think i even checked out a non story realated stream until like... june of that year

and i hate dream but like you said him being there and playing such a character just ads to the levels of weirdness and rawness

c!tommy got me through a dark dark time in my life, esp exile. I dealth with abuseful neglect and manipulation all my life, and i was in deep bouts of depression when those streams were coming out. but literally seeing a character portray such a raw and ugly realality of those things and yet still get back up again was comforting and cathartic

to me it was the colaboration between actor and audience that really made it unlike anything else, and also what really led to its destruction. but im glad it was there when i needed it

This is well said anon and I’m so sorry you went through something like that. Dsmp found me at a very terrifying time in my life in regards to trauma. I don’t want to get into it just as I’m sure you don’t either, but when youve been a victim of abuse, you gain a perspective that nobody else has. Your mind is permanently altered. We see things that might not be as easy to detect let alone digest for those who havent experienced that reality. or even people who are currently working through that trauma who don’t understand how to deal with it or approach it yet. And that’s not good nor bad. It just is.

I think it’s. Hard. It’s very hard to talk about. And it’s by design! I definitely agree some of the performances were amazing but with very little consideration for what to do next or how to conclude those arcs, things got messy quickly and I think they relied on their dogmatic rabid fans to deflect any serious criticism of that. And I expected them to! I expect people who tread dangerously to know what they’re doing, but they didn’t know what they were doing. That became clear to me very quickly.

And ya it is still very important to me as well… I have never seen myself in another victim in fiction quite as well as I have c!tommy. And I have found so many like minded people that I cherish and love so much. I just got back from hanging out with someone who I got close with online during dsmp! So as disgusting and scary as the community was, yes, I am also very glad it was here when I needed it. Because I needed it.

I hope we can all continue to heal from these experiences and move on to make/consume kinder art together 🌈💫💗

(Oh also I didnt/don’t(it’s complicated) care about the real people either. I actually was so detached I believed dsmp was all they did! It’s crazy how much of a second thought a lot of this was in hindsight. Which is both infuriating and worrying)

[lilredghost]

BABYY I SEE THE THING WITH THE SCENTS IM NOTICING HE DETAILS!!!!!

It needs to, he thinks to himself. I have plans with Anakin today. After all, the last thing Obi-Wan wants to do is disappoint his husband on account of his damned biology.

he doesnt know anakin would be so glad 😭😭😭 he didnt want an alpha in the first place this is misunderstandings galore im living for it

Should he chide his mother or spurn his husband? Should he attempt to compromise by bringing Obi-Wan to the temple, or will that hurt the both of them?

he's learninggggg my heart is full <3333 shmi needs to learn too istfg obi is a baby!!!! you dont wanna hurt him!!!!! he's the most innocent baby in this verse!!!!

i cant wait for them to go sand seal surfing together <3333 dangerous rides call for tightly held hands :) ALSO their kiss!!!!! they both are accepting and showing their feelings for each other im still swooning from that!!!!! cant cat wait for obi to give anakin the sash cause in anakin's mind obi proposed and the wedding wasnt done with tatooine's standards <3 this is gonna be so healing this is gonna improve my life i can just feel it

Anakin will come to him, he knows. He promised.

IF THIS HURTS OBI AGAIN I SWEAR I WILL READ IT WITH GLEE BUT ALSO MAKE PLANS TO KILL ANAKIN MYSELF PLEASE

1. My best girl back in my ask box!! I am so ELATED that you're catching the details! I've been slowly making the transition on the way Obi-Wan smells since literally chapter ONE (OK chapter 3 actually but still)

2. He doesn't even know Anakin would still love him 🥺🥺. Hell, he doesn't even know Anakin loves him NOW. There's this bit in the next chapter, the following morning:

He studies Anakin carefully, taking in the soft expression on his face. With some surprise, Obi-Wan realises he’s seen it before, seen it directed at him. How long has his husband been looking at him like this? How had he not noticed?

He sees he's been blind about Anakin's feelings but continues to be blind about the EXTENT of Anakin's feelings.

Anakin realized he loves Obi-Wan (this chapter's "epiphany") and immediately was all in, 100%, this is his husband they're married and in love now. In his mind, it's clearly mutual.

But Obi-Wan has been in love with Anakin for a looong time now, and he thinks they're still taking baby steps in their relationship. They kissed, sure, but that doesn't mean Anakin is suddenly in love with him.

3. Anakin learning is soooo dear to me, because aaall the way back in chapter 3 he was like:

there is a part of Anakin that wants to be petty, to tease and bring the man to tears in a vindictive sort of punishment—an opportunity to take control back from his Emperor husband without any chance of it being perceived as a threat to their alliance. However experienced Obi-Wan is, he won’t stand a chance against Anakin.

But now he knows Obi-Wan has such a soft heart (the most innocent baby in this verse, you're right 🥺). He's treating Obi-Wan gently, he's not lashing out anymore. We see the growth SO MUCH in this chapter:

It's clear to Anakin that his alpha is still feeling a little unwell, looking pale and somewhat distracted. Anakin resolves to take it easy on him, today.

He slides one hand slowly up Obi-Wan’s back, the other reaching out to pull him down by the nape of his neck. He moves carefully, not wanting to spook Obi-Wan—but his husband comes eagerly, leaning down and pressing lips to lips.

As for Shmi... she'll change her opinion on him once the whole "who proposed to who" conflict is resolved

4. SAND SEAL SURFING. I'm planning to have them go sometime after the Celebration of Light but there will also be sooo many kissses between now and then <3

And don't even worry about the morning after, Anakin will be there! I already wrote the scene for the next morning. (Originally it was gonna be in ch13, but unfortunately it didn't work with the pacing)

There will still be some angst in the rest of the fic, but like...we've gotten passed the hard part. Once they return from their vacation, the larger plot will begin acting upon them again. They'll have all these problems thrown at them and they'll have to split up for a bit. But they'll still be TOGETHER 💕

[kusundei]

i dont know what the fuck is up with me today but god do i feel horrible. like i feel bad. not even just like a sad way just like i feel like shit and like. really. pessimistic if anything. like i never rlly get lkke this truly it usually foes away after a while and it probably will in a bit its just. i think my mom is just truly making it worse. its so annoying why are you here? if you werent home i wouldve done all of thjs ebfkre yoy guys came home anyway why are you bothering me over and over again. i hate when people tell me to do rhings which is a really like. bratty thing to say but it makes me so upset??? im so upset for no reason. god and she just wont fucking quit it with the money and the hours and the this and this and this. holding shit over my head like it matters like okay what if i kill myself. and acting over and kver again like im fucking useless and im an idiot and im dumb. you do realize if you want me to improve you have to tell me right? like in the moment? if youre still “teaching me” then tell me AS im driving. why the fuck would you sit there and wait last minute as i make the same mistakes (which are not. even. mistakes.) over and over. like okay im braking too late? tell me when it brake. because it works for me but if thats so awful dor you then let me know. why didnt you mention i didnt have both hands on the wheel? i just do it cuz im going straight. i do it normally anyway but like still if its such an issue then just say so??? but no theyll hold that over my head. “youre not ready yet” “you think you know everything” like okay fuck you. im sorry for trying. for trying to be ahead and to have plans and to take some initiative for once because all you complain about is that i dont ever do anything w my life. i have no plans and im a failure but nooo i cant . cant do anything. im trying?? how hard is that to see??? and they keep using it over me. everytime i see jonathan i just remember what he said about me that night and jts never rlly gone away. like what the fuck is wrong with you??? if it was coming from my mom then sure. fine. whatever. shes my mom but who the fuck are you to say that? you’re fucking awful. you two both make me sick and neither of you can see when youre in the wrong because NEITHER of you are ever in the wrong. youre always right. cause im a kid. i dont grt it i dpnt understand. my life isnt hard im not doing alot like god fucking forbid i am a teenager? im still trying to take initative despite that to place myself in a good place once i graduate but always. i will always get pushed back somehow and its so fucking annoying.

imxjusr sooo. tired. maybe this is what it is i got TOO much sleep. knew it when i went to bed at what??? 11???? thats so early. imcjsuf so annoyed i cant im sorry i dont get more hrs??? and im trying im trying im trying. its just so annoying when i get pestered and patronized and i cant do anyhting about it because ill just be lashed again. like god fucking whatever ill just kill myself. would that fit into yoyr schedule? make yoyr life easier? less bills? less to worry about? since all i do is take up space and waste resources. im wasting everything. im sorry for taking up space. i try so hard not to but nooo i cant completely disappear and it just weighs down soooo much on the two of you. im sorry you have another kid. im sorry liam wasnt your only child and you still have a family. im sorry you didnt jusr send me out to live with my dad or sent me with sam but yoy wouldnt have survived without me but im sorry you didnt find jonathan sooner. yoy two wouldve killed each other and im waiting for the day you two realize that what yoy have isnt normal and you get sick of him the same way you got sick of sam because that man tried everything to appease you. thats why irs so awful because hes so much better than i am. if he couldnt do it what makes me think i can? of course im your kid but still. same shit. i cant jusr flee. i cant go anywhere. im stuck here in the same situation ife been in for years. i jusr kept praying and wishing at some point theyd swap rheir attention towards something else and finally leave me alone. treat me like a roommate. why even bother trying to parent me when youre such an awful one?

i dont like cpndemning ever. especially jot towards my mom but god. god god god. im so exhausted just leave me alone. leave me and move on. focus on spmething else. you’ll realize how much happier yoyd be if you just let it go and let me go. it would benefit all of us why do we keep bothering? and i got it the first time? “do you have any questions?” like bitch? youre so fucking annoying. giggling about the fact youre just getting another bonus cause im working now. fuck yoy and your maternity leave. i would never condemn liam for justexisting that man hasnt done anything and hes not even here yet its just YOU. 16 years with you im sick of it and im tired and feel bad for wjatever is to come for that kid. ans shes just fucking malding over ajd over again i did wjat yoy asked already but no theres always more. more more more because you cant fucking do it yourself . yoyre pregnant whatever i dont fucking care im just so. upset? angry? annoyed? i just feel very negative. im sick of your voice and your face and everything about you. leave me alone. i’ll do it. just do your fucking work????? go bake your cookies like???? fuck off genuinely before i like actually kill myself

[onlysomethingamazing]

Kelechi quotes

All of these quotes , you said. I have not fabricated or spun any of these up. I obviously couldn't get all of the cute things you said to me , because then i would be here forever , but here are the few i caught.

Enjoy 

" It doesn’t matter what you wear, there’s more to love about you than your hair" 12/02/13

" c: i’m not perfect, but I’m fine if I can make you happy" 10/26/13

" she has a fox face , i don’t like fox faced girls" 11/13/13

"FFBP" 11/14/13

"i love you " 10-23-13

lol

you are wanted

i want you next to me

so rather than htis heater

I can cuddle with you

and we can warm each other

and talk

and fall asleep in each others arms

12-11-2013

 me :when did you fall for me ?

 Him : “lbh, i dont know the exact moment

but i realized when i pick up my phone waiting for your text

when i told you about my dad and you listened

when you said you pray for me

when ilegit got worried when i didnt hear your reply lmao

i

was

so

scared

#embarassing

paranoia

sometimes its good

sometimes it isnt

i dont know exactly when

but its a series of events

when i find myself wanting to tell everyone about you

or interject you into my conversations

and bring you up

"just casually, my girlfriend…"

then i have to stop cuz paranoia’s a bitch

and no loose ends

and if this is gonna work, its gonna stay under wraps

and i thought to myself

fuck, i hate this

having to be quiet

not being able to shout out yea she’s mine

and then i knew i fell for you c:” 12-19-13

"so i’m happy if you’re happy" 12-24-13

me: describe the year 2013 in 5 words

him: “the year I  met  osa “ 

12-26-2013

"no matter wherever in the world you are, as long as i have this * points at me * , it’s adequate

12-27-2013

*after jamming to Hakuna Matata*

"I looooooove seeing how happy this makes you feel" 12-30-13

Me : ” What if we didn’t talk for a whole week, Could we do it?”

Him: ” if you wanna start it and do it. go ahead. we could, if necessary we will. But it’d be very hard for me to leave you alone and i imagine likewise. therefore, i dont want to. I love talking to you. I enjoy your company. I, for lack of better words, need you. So could I? Yes, if the continuance of our relationship depended on such, I would. If not, I feel no need to torture myself. I am a masochist but not that much” - 1-4-14

"in the eyes of the world, there is undoubtedly another woman who is more… "womanly", "dateable" etc than you. In my eyes however, you are quite special for many reasons and you are the best c:"  1-4-14

sumn  Hey, lemme tell you sumn Don’t live in fear of what’s to come  Cuz, then you don’t truly appreciate what you have now. I love you, alot. And you’re what I find myself thinking about. I usually don’t think about this topic very often if any at all Cuz I wanna enjoy our every moment together.” 1-5-14

"and no matter what, I’m always gonna be here to let you know that we can share the burden ,we’re in this together. and i can help you carry your cross" 1/10/14

"  you're a peice of art but i dont think God when he made you based you on anything else c:" 1-20-14

Me: give me 5 reasons i should stay 

Him:  

I love you 

You love me 

We listen to each other 

We support each other 

I need you 

-2/1/2014

"

you

me

"twas great tonight babe

i had sooo much fun wiht you

and i miss you already

i just got home

wow.....

tonight was surreal

you were there

we were safe

no lookin over shoulders

no nothing

you were mine

and i was yours

and we kissed alot

though i missed some of your hints at first lol

too usy watching the game

but the time with you

invaluable

priceless

  cute

arousing

fun

sexy

in a word, surreal

it was hard not msiling in the car

but now in my room

i'm beaming

and reliving every second of tonight with you

te quiero mi amor y espero que podamos hacer eso mas"

2-07-14

"Tu me fais tellement heureux

too many reason

your smile

yo face

yo eyes

that blush giggle you do

your morning texts

asking me how i'm doing

supporting me

being there to listen

being a friend

but also my closest companion

being the ray of light after the nsun in my world is dead

and then brightening my day

loving me

accepting my love

understanding me for the wreck i am

and dealing with me despite that

for taking my jokes

and responding with even feistier oines

for helping me realize that i'm a great person

and not ugly

and not shit

and that i deserve good

for entrusting me

with

the closest thing to you

the thing that is you

your heartand allowing me to give you mine also

for gifting me

with your inner secrets and trust

for giving me the honor of reassuring you that you are beautiful

sexy

intelligent

honest

caring

wonderful woman

not done

also

for being intimate with me

for gifting me with many ofyour firsts

and also for accepting mine

for being honest

trustworthy

considerate

in a nutshell

for loving me, and being you

thats how you make me happy

*loving me/lettingme love you"

02-08-14

" You wore it a long time ago, but then again you're always on my mind"

02-11-14

" Flawless , you can call me Queen K"

02-24-14

" It's big but it small, it;s small but it;s big , if you keep it close it will never fall"

I can't remember the rest but it was really mysterious loll

4/17/2014 

"omg

you're awake!

i'm so happy

i thought youd slep

it was finna be a lonely night

i miss you

ok that was gushy and nasty

heehehehehheh"

6/1/2014

"You don’t shake for a passing breeze. Be a pillar and stand still because you know it won’t affect you/bother you."

06/23/14

  Me: Stop staring , it's weird

You: Staring is ok , if it;s at a work of art 

06-22-14

It’s over ten years in the future and these still make me smile. The puppy love was strong. But what is beautiful is how the love has matured for the better.

I love you Kelechi Basil.

Always have, always will.

-Bubby

[foursdarkdays]

About me?

Honestly idk why i suddenly thought about writing all this here but ig maybe??? i could find the root causes of my mental health? idk

Sooo umm It all started when i was 11, back in 2011 when my Mom's father kicked us out basically. I dont really have a father, i mean i do but hes not really there. My mother married him out of family pressure and that didnt end well. He had severe anger issues and was always jealous that my mom earned more than him. male ego ew. He wanted mom to leave her job and be a houswife with a lot of restrictions but thankfully my mom stood up for herself and they were living seperately. They never lived together tbh. my father was from another city and my mom didnt move there due to obvious reasons. so anyway yeah back to the story. So when we were basically homeless, we rented a house . glad my house had a good gov job so we could afford it. It was during summer holidays right after my 6th grade when everything started affecting me mentally. I would stay home alone all day, no tv , no phone , no colony friends it was very lonely. Weird thoughts kept coming in my mind it was a devils house lmaoo. Plus the family fights and stuff were taking a huge toll on me. I didnt share this with my school friends back then prolly because i was embarrassed or because i didn't find the need to? I did'nt know how to behave with people. i started getting aggressive about a lot of things and my friends left me for that. Later i realised and apologized for my behavior and got them back.

anyway so back when i was in my grandfathers house, we were a joint family0. my grandmother, granfather, mother and her brother and sister and i. There were fights almost everyday but later when my aunt and mama got married the fights got more intense. i used to run up to the terrace to avoid all the shouting. I think thats one of the reaons why i get so worked up when i hear people yelling. trauma?.

anywayyyy so everything started effecting my studies and my acadmeics went to hell. i love my mom but back then she'd say all these mean things to me like "Why were you even born" "you're so useless" honestly i dont remember now but yeah that also affected me a lot mentally that i started self harming. It was out of curiosity at first but then i got addicted. The physical pain made the mental pain feel less. I self harmed almost everyday. it was like a drug to me. When my friends found out about it because i used to cut my hand like the whole hand, i started cutting my leg, It hurt a lot, sometimes i couldnt even walk. i just wish id bleed to death or something. Family and bad academics made everything worse. and as a cherry on top, something happened in school. Everyone thought i was a liar and it was like everywhere i went, people spoke bad about me that i dreaded going to school. Anyway this self harming continued till 2016 November ig? (i started in 2013) i self harmed in the hostel as well lol until.. until my ex best friend cum my roommate tried to end her life. It was scary. She left school but i kept thinking about it. Somehow that made me stop trying to kill myself for a while and completely stop self harming. I used to have a lot of anxiety attacks without knowing they were anxiety attacks.

anyway this even worsened during my bachelors. My depression and anxiety got very severe. Not just mentally but also physically. The chest pains, the body pains, the nausea and fatigue, the constant tiredness and fear. I completely failed academics which in return increased my anxiety. I felt so hopeless and useless beacuse i was good at nothing. It took me 5 years to graduate a 4-year bachelors degree with 34 backlogs and numerous failed suicide attempts. i wasnt even that brave to hang myself or jump off but but it was mostly over doing my anti-depressants. oh yeah i went tp therapy, that guy saw my self hard scars and told my mom. fuck. anyway mom was worried. also i'm glad she never told me anything about my academics she never made me feel like a failure im very glad. Shes always encouraging. I feel selfish that i tried to end myself when im the only one left for mom but i couldnt and cant help it. Im sorry mom you obviously deserve a better kid. A much better kid. So ummm yeah after graduating and leaving therapy because the meds werent working i started feeling a bit better? the anxiety and depression went down or maybe i just learned how to live with it. it was already 2022 which means 11 years of depression. i think anxiety came along in 2016? honestly idk but ik i started treating it as a part of me, i accepted it and it did help me. It doesnt effect my daily routine because ive learnt to live with it.

anyway so about my father, he kept visiting from time to time. at first it was every month, then it became once in 2 , 3 ,4 ,5 . Its not like he cared. He never helped us emotionally or financially, Even when my mom was hospitalised and had a surgery in 2013, he didnt come to see. He only visited when he wanted to. My mom went througha lot because society talks yk? she basically a single mom and its hard to live in this stupid country like that. People talk shit about you. Anyway it took me 16 years to realise that my "father" never really cared. I started despising him and even his presence (once in a year) gave me the icks. His family also always spoke bad about my mother including himself ig. I didnt know how to asnwer people when they asked about him. okay so anyway he came home last year (2022) and i had to kick him out because it was becoming suffocating for me and mom. mostly mom so i did it for her. I said some rude things to him so that he wont come again and trust me i feel shit but yeah he deserved. And he came home on my bday early this year (jan). I still remember the way my heart dropped seeing him.I hate birthdsys because of this. I had to kick him out again. Again people talk. No one sees his mistakes , how he never called or gave a fuck about us. they only see how we kicked him out. I hate him . and then later i got to know that he also tried to ummm hchoke my mom back in 2003? when we went to visit him. I was there. i have a vivid image in my head that i can never forget. Theres also some secret that my mom and grandfather are keeping from me. idk if ill ever know about it . He prolly has another family maybe? idk p maybe its something worse. anyway thanks to him i cant look at any other man without thinking of him now.

yeah so now back to me. I ruined my life. idk if it can repaired. I'm trying to do my masters. I have applied to some collges in australia and one of them rejected me. my cgpa is 6.2 and i have 34 backlogs with no work exp so its hard, All i want to do is die because i cannot take this anymore. I dont try to kill myself anymore but i wish i could.

All of my friends have jobs or are doing their masters. what am i doing? i know i ahouldnt compare myself but do you think its easy? Everyone out there is indepedant already and im nothing? Its very embarassing and hard. The time is ticking like a time bomb and im terrified.

i need to get away from this place. I need to heal and i just need anothee chance from life where i could repair myself and move forward. I will never be able to move on if im here. There's a lot of pain and trauma here. ISTG if it doesnt work out, i might really do something to myself, i will shut myslef comepletely and just wait till i die.

ill add more things if i remember, now i have cramps on my fingers bye

[cottoncandy-jester]

✨lie down darling Its time for a dream✨

Faking it (dad squad)

So basically this is what happens if the dad squad found out reader faked an orgasm before

This is of course 18+ and the reader is female

Daichi suwamura

Okay so daichi honestly was never worried about y'all sex life

Like you moan his name everytime why is he worried

It's when you and the rest of the karasuno group get drunk and play truth of dare

When it's your turn.. you're drunk off six shots of tequila and tanaka asks you to reveal your deepest secret

"okay okay! Sooo during me and daichi's fourth anniversary, we fucked and I may have totally faked it"

Wait what.

WHAT?!

Everyone else is laughing but daichi is over here having a mental breakdown

You did what?!

How many more have you faked?! Were they all fake?! Did he ever really make you cum?

It did not take long for daichi to drag you away to the nearest bathroom

You gasp when daichi pinned you against the wall his mouth attacking your neck while his hands roamed your body now gripping your hips as he ripped your panties off.

"faked an orgasm?! Damn it how many did you fake? Doesn't matter don't tell me. I'm going to fuck you against this wall and you are going to cum over and over til I know for sure you like having sex with me"

He fucked you until you couldn't think anymore, he also made sure EVERYONE heard it.

Tooru oikawa

You were having girl talk with the other managers and the topic of sex came up

They all assume he's some sex god which makes you laugh

Oikawa is honestly such a dork during sex that you couldn't help but spills beans

"honestly he was so nervous during our first time, It was so cute..though he didn't really make me.. y'know"

Oh BOY

News travelled fast and before you know it at 4am you had a pissed oikawa at your door

The loud harsh banging interrupted your sleep and you went to the door only to see oikawa standing there, your sleepy eyes trailed his body up and down and you noticed he was gripping his phone so tight his knuckles turned white, you didn't even get to speak when the male stormed inside and let's out a frustrated sigh.

"why are rumors about me being bad in bed spreading around?!"

"I dunno...maybe you have a hater, babe it's like 4am..why are you here?"

Oikawa snapped his head towards you before walking towards you anger fuming towards you before he gripped your arm tightly.

"everyone is saying you started the rumor, so tell me little cutie what the fuck have you been saying?"

Your eyes got wide as the conversation with the girls resurfaced in your head and you softly reached out to put your hands on his cheeks which made him relax but he was still clearly annoyed.

"sorry, tooru it was just one little story. Girl talk y'know and it's fine lots of people can't make their partner cum their first time you just ha-"

You were cut off by the male roughly pulling you towards your room, everytime you tried to speak oikawa would glare at you before demanding that you shut up. Once in your room he pushed you on the bed his ego clearing having dropped now that you admitted the truth.

"I am good at sex! I am Great! I just have to prove to you that you are with the best man ever"

As he spoke he started to strip before his cold glare landed on you before he crawled ontop and wrapped a hand around your throat.

"you are going to be begging me to stop making you cum once I'm done with you"

He made you tell everyone that you cummed extra hard that night, even if it was super embarrassing to say.

Tetsuro kuroo

You two were arguing

It started with him being jealous of a person at work flirting with you and it just blew up

Screams and swears shooting back at the other

Low blows were dealt

You both don't even remember what the fight was about

Then..you said it

"God you are so cocky! It's shit like that, that make me fake orgasms during sex"

He shut up after that one for sure

All he can think about was how many did you fake and how he failed as your lover

Why didn't you tell him you weren't feeling good during sex?

Kuroo remained quiet as he let his brain think, after saying it you quickly walked over and hugged him hoping he wasn't angry at you

"baby! I'm sorry I didn't mean it, I was just upset and you were just upset you forgive me yeah?"

"how many times?"

"that doe-"

"how many damn times?!"

You flinched when he forced you to look at him showing pain in his eyes and you couldn't help but be honest with him.

"only a few, during those times where I was just really sleepy that's it"

Kuroo let's out a shaky sigh before he peppered soft kisses along your neck. He was pretty hurt at the moment but he did want to make it up to you, plus make up sex was always good

"come, let's talk this out yeah?"

His tone was soft as he guided you to the bedroom thought talking wasn't the plan he had, he wanted to make you see stars and make sure he could actually make you cum.

Koutaro bokuto

Okay so maybe it wasn't a good idea to pump up bokuto's ego every time you guys have sex

All your praise makes him think he's the best in the world

But when it came time for a girls night at you and bokuto's place stuff starts to spill

You told bokuto to spend the night at akaashi or something but you didnt think he would come home

"sooo [y/n]! How is bokuto in bed?! We gotta know"

The question made you embarrassed while bokuto stood outside you guys' bedroom listening in

Yes dear wife tell them how my sex is the best in the world

"koutaro, tries his best. Sometimes he gets a little too excited and cums early so he gets too tired to finish and we end up cuddling before I can climax so I just fake it"

WHAT?!

Bokuto automatically swings the door open scaring both you and the girls

He is legit tearing up and about to sob

After, very quickly telling the girls to leave he cries into your stomach while you pet his head

"why didn't you tell me?! I would have made it all better"

"oh..kou..it's no big deal"

Your soothing which would usually work just wasn't working right now, bokuto sniffled as he looked up at you with tearful eyes, you were his baby owl and he couldnt even make you feel good?!

He couldn't believe that! No he won't accept that! Before you can respond bokuto pushed you down on the bed before starting to pull your pants and underwear off your body

"kou! W-what the hell?!"

"just let me do this please! I need to know that I can do this, I just want you to be happy with me..so..let me worship you"

You were shocked but shuddered at the feeling of soft kisses against your inner thigh, with one final sniffle bokuto was now focused on something else.

He proceeded to eat you out that night until you cummed so much that you was sobbing but by the end of it he was so happy to know that he can make you cum and of course he was more mindful about your needs.

Wakatoshi ushijima

Oh jeez

Okay so he makes it very clear that bedroom talk is off limits

What you two do in bed is your business hell you guys don't really talk about sex and spend more time just doing it

You are very tight lipped about your sex life but tendou Is a very stubborn guy

He is constantly asking you what's it like..mostly cause he wants to tease wakatoshi

After finally bothering you to the point where you wanna hit him you confess

"toshi is great okay?! I mean sure he has his moments of not really getting me there but it's good so stop asking!"

OHOHOHO HE HAS TO KNOW MORE

after explaining that wakatoshi tends to be boringly vanilla you expect him to let it go

No bitch this is tendou 'i give no fucks' satori

Proceeds to tease wakatoshi about it every chance he gets

"wow who knew you could be boring in all departments"

"sooooo, you really like it vanilla huh?"

Of course oblivious wakatoshi doesn't pay him any mind until a drunk tendou spills the beans

"guess who told me that you're boring in bedddd~ pfft she said you are so slow that it is like fucking a box"

You of course didn't say that but you were shocked to see wakatoshi at your door the next day

"did you tell tendou about our sex life?"

Well fuck.

you honestly should have expected this. You let out a shaky sigh as you merely avoided eye contact you felt pretty embarrassed and ashamed

"yeah, sorry toshi he kept bugging me about it"

"you telling him is not why I'm upset"

You were honestly shocked and looked up only to see wakatoshi's face close to yours, his eyes were intense and honestly gave you chills.

"did you say I was boring during sex? Is this true?"

"um..yeah but it's okay I mean it's still good it's just very..typical I mean we do the same stuff all the time and you just tend to be, slow"

Wakatoshi was a little shocked by your words but he calmly sighed and ran his fingers through his hair as he tried to think of what exactly he needed to do.

"then my future wife, allow me to spend the night making you feel good instead of myself, you can tell me exactly what I need to do in order to bring you to climax again and again."

And you did exactly that, he was quite obedient and even did things he never done before just so he can make you feel good.

[night-rhea]

Sometimes, its really hard to keep yourself motivated. I know many people can relate at this. Social media can be, cold sometimes. Because, we actually dont know what people think about us,do we? I mean, i mostly dont know. Especially here in tumblr, well i dont use any other platform either jhgfghjkl Sure i have few friends here ,which is im SO grateful, but in majority idk how people see me, or my oc's. I also dont know if thats normal or bad or good.

Why am i talking about that?? Well its because today im kind of emotional. Today is my first years anniversary in tumblr, and i kinda wanna talk. Randomly.

My thirst for drawing started in last year in middleschool. I had many stories in my mind and i wanted to see them on paper. I wanted it so badly, so i tried. Of course i knew results wont be perfect, but i also didnt expected it to be that bad.

I tried many times, but surely not enough, and after many fails i gave up. I told myself "You are not talented for this Naz, you will never be. You are wasting your time and hurting yourself. Find something else."

And i did. I stopped trying. I didnt know this was the worst decision i can make.

İn my last year in highschool -which is one year ago from today- i was kiiinda depressed because of my univercity exam. I wasnt sure which one i wanted to go, i was just randomly studying for a good point in exam. But studying without knowing what you want to do was harder than i thought. When this covid thing happened and i had to stay in my room for months and just study, i just couldnt take it anymore.

I told myself "Fuck everything. Fuck it. You wont do anything good anyway."

I wanted to play some games to kill time, and finished few games. That was the time i remembered Hogwarts Mystery. And i downloaded again. And i fell in love with it.

Time to admit, back then i didnt watch any Hp movie, or read its books. No, i just knew the Harry Potter, saw few film scenes on tv but that it. So its safe to say i learned the Hp universe with Hphm, with Night. It was expected for me to want draw them.

And suprisingly i really started to draw. I didnt care how bad it was, i was already in bottom end i thought it cant be any worse.

And here i am. İn the end of my first year of univercity, studying comminication design, taking art classes, using little graphic tablet. With Night, i realized thats what i want to do. I also find the courage to come out as enby, with Night again. Look how my art changed, how Night changed in a year.

Sometimes i wonder what it would be like if i didnt gave up on drawing, back then when i was in middle school. Thats why im keep saying everyone i know to not stop, believing in theirselves.If you want to do something, that feeling will never leave you alone. You will always want to do it and will do it one day too. Just dont lose that much time like me.

Sooo as you can see, Night is pretty important to me, so Tumblr. Thats why i deeply care about mc's here, all the amazing people here. Because all of you are part of Night's life, at least in my eyes. Thats why a simple like on my art makes me feel happy for week, a simple comment makes me feel loved, cared, seen.

It pains me to find it hard to reach people here. Like most of us here, im not sure if im bothering someone, annoying someone, or talk too much or talk shit too much. It doesnt even makes sense most of times, dont worry i know. But i feel like it anyway. But its okay, isnt it?

I believe we need to let ourselves to feel negative things. To get rid off them. Thats what im doing it anyway. It also shows me how i have love for somethings in my heart, enough to get hurt by it. In its own weird way, im happy to feel that love. If a little negativity comes with it, who cares??

Im happy to be here, cant believe its been a year. I cant believe how my art changed during that time, how i changed.

If im liking your posts, reblogging, leaving comment; i hope you at least smile and feel seen. Because im here, seeing your hard work and amazing results (even if you think its not amazing)

Thank you, and i hope you are also happy to be here. Because i am happy that youre here.

Happy one year anniversary to me and Night, i guess

[addoration]

anyways i should have done this earlier but the fact is that i didnt, so here it is now! 

i would like to sincerely thank a lot of people. you have supported me and helped me through a time that was hard for everyone. this includes everyone on the botw writers discords that im in, but it is especially about my friends in the his dark materials server. you have really kept me going! when i started the hdm server, it took a little time for it to grow and i was worried that it would flop, but it didn’t! and now its absolutely filled to the brim with wonderful, lovely people who continue to support and love me. im in awe of you all. so thank you, and happy new year to everyone. i hope 2021 brings you all happiness!

some people i want to individually thank: 

@avasteriscus and @sleepyhades: thank you for being great friends and being so supportive in my botw endeavours! i haven’t forgotten about you despite not being active on the server much any more; in fact, i think about you both daily! i hope this new year brings you both joy and good health <3 

@thenightisfullofangels: god, vienna, where do i even begin? thank you for being the best mod that i could ever ask for! and thank you for inspiring me continuously, all the time! you are the reason i started writing for b/b and the reason i will continue writing for them. i live for your live-comments on my fics and for your b/b longfic. your writing astounds me every time i read it, you always leave me speechless. i love you very much! <3 

@illumimorow: ro, ily! we haven’t spoken as much recently because ive been swamped with work but we’ve had some absolutely great conversations and i’m missing your headcanons! when i’ve finished my essays, hopefully you’ll see more of me!!! <3 

@milfcoulter: you’re hilarious avery, im so pleased you’re in my server! thank you for making me laugh so often, its been much needed! you make the server a brighter place and im so thankful for you!! <3 your fics are wonderful and your art is wonderful and im so thankful for your continued support and love!

@rhaized: firstly i want to say that im SO thankful that you joined my server and that you’re enjoying it there! it means a lot to me. youre the whole reason that we had a fic exchange! so i want to thank you for that too! your mary/marisa gives me life <3 

@i-was-bored-so-this-happened: rae, rae, rae, you’re quite literally a ray of sunshine! you really brighten up the server with your jokes and sun personality, and im so thankful you’re here! your edits are sooo cool (you always get the colours just right!) and i would DIE for kit! i love all the little snippets of her we get to see and i hope you will continue to share that with us! <3

@viawrites-andacts: via, you are possibly the sweetest person ever. if ever there was a human being made entirely of goodness and kindness, it’s you! your support and love has meant the world to me and i adore all the asks youve sent over the past couple of months reminding me of your love, because sometimes i need that. im so, SO thankful for you, i couldn’t possibly express how much! <3

@circe-s and @bunnydearest: my wonderful penpals! thank you so much for agreeing to exchange letters with me, i love it so much! i know i havent replied to your last letters (im swamped in school work at the moment!) but hopefully i’ll get them out to you by the end of the month! thank you for being around for a chat whenever ive been down and needed someone to talk to. youre like big siblings to me <3 

@dustasterisms: it’s not letting me tag you audrey but i hope you see this nonetheless! im so so happy for you! i’m sorry ive been a bit absent but hopefully we can continue to be friends! you’re going to have such a wonderful life, i admit im a little jealous but it doesnt diminish the little sun that glows inside of me whenever i think of how happy you must be! i adore you, you know youre like a big sibling to me! <3 

thank you all for your continued support and love, it means more than you could ever know. im so thankful for all of you! at risk of sounding like a broken record repeating myself over and over, i hope that this year brings you all happiness and good health to you and yours, because you all deserve it. you’re all so kind and good to me and all i can do is thank you all profoundly and hope you know how much i appreciate you. so, thank you, and here’s to another year!! <3 

[lunavadash-creates]

Have I ever told you that you are the sweetest cupcake ever?❤️ It’s impossible to not smile at your posts! I sincerely thank you for all your sympathy towards me! My heart just melts! It’s so rare to find such a pure and kind soul like you. Please, don’t change. Ever.

You made me worried a bit with your last paragraph - maybe I am oversensitive, but I am really worried. It breaks my heart honestly, I feel like you belittle yourself. Babe, you are wonderful! I am not saying this just for you to feel better, but because you REALLY are. Think for a moment about things you’ve already achieved! Darling, you graduated! It’s really something. It is even more something when you study two different majors at the same time and study in language school at weekends. It’s real hardcore! I am proud of you. SO FREAKING MUCH! You did so well and you did so much! Please, be aware of it. You are incredibly talented and creative. YOU are hard working, not me. And you know what? Please, have a proper rest. Don’t overwork yourself anymore. You have to have some space just for you. You have to rest and regain your balance. Don’t think about writing as your duty. I know you feel responsible for all requests you have. But they really won’t run away or disappear. They all will be waiting to be written when you rest. Don’t pressure yourself, I beg you. You know I love your writing. We all here love it. But we love you even more. Taking a break it’s not bad. It’s necessary. When you rest you will be able to concentrate, you will have a fresh mind and new ideas. Just remember that you are a priority.

Speaking of your visit to Prague. OMG, THIS ASTRONOMICAL CLOCK!! I envy you soooooo much! I wish I could see it by myself someday! Thank you so much for the photo! And geez, you are the very first person admitting that museums are wonderful! No one amongst my friends likes them and it hurts so much, because I couldn’t go to the Uffizi museum and Palazzo Vecchio in Florence. I would love to go to any museum with you then! Museum of sex toys sounds really interesting, mostly because it’s not about modern toys. Like, I would never thought that people could have such rich sex life! I heard that in Amsterdam and Paris there are similar museums. But! I bet you would love icelandic museum of punk. Ohh, I am pretty sure you would enjoy it! It’s really small, because well..Its former public toilet. Buuuut, if you like non-obvious museums this is definitely for you. Whale museum was also pretty good. Or I enjoyed it just because I love whales. I was also in a museum of teddy bears in Seoul and it was the cutest museum I have ever been in! Tell me more about that vegan restaurant! What good did you eat? I am not vege myself, but I avoid eating meat on a daily basis so it’s easy to make me excited with such things!

I am not sure if I am better. I mean, I changed my mind about being able to sleep all day. I am not able to sleep at all at the moment. I am tired and my eyelids are so heavy, but sleep never comes. I guess insomnia hits again, it's a never-ending circle. But I am concerned about your leg! I guess you had spoken with doctor since you got xray and usg. Did they say anything? Any ideas of what it could possibly be? It has to be something serious if you have problems with walking! How did you manage to go sightseeing in Prague? Babe, please, take care of yourself! And what does “health problem AGAIN” mean?! Have you had such a problem before?? It scares me like.. we just started adulthood? My friend sneezed and it made him lay in bed for 6 days not being able to move. Literally.

Yeah, I was in South Korea, but please, do not perceive me as your role model. Gods, it would be a terrible decision, really. But, I would love to share some stories with you if you want! I know it's a popular destination these days because of kpop. I used to listen to it, but I think a few years ago kpop was better? More interesting? Now I’m more into khh, but I think I can’t say that I’m into it anymore.

Talking about music! I discovered two new songs and I bet you know them already, but for me it was huge woah woah woah! First of it - Sabaton. Thay covered Metallica’s For Whom The Bell Tolls and they did it so good! Secondly - The Heart Asks Pleasure First. They basically made their own song based on one of my favourite piano songs. Oh my.. it’s sooo good!

And still talking about music! I just wanted to say that I also love our Wombo edits! That one with Ezio singing Stressed out was perfect! Mr Auditore looked very believably singing it. I liked the one with Edward and Haytham. I don’t know the song but it had such a christmas vibe! It made me think of Edward and Shay singing Last Christmas or some other shitty Christmas song together. Why them? No idea. I love Altair, but your latest headcanons could make me love them even more.

And! I just wanted to tell you that you inspired me to take japanese lessons on Duolingo. I am aware that such app won’t help me with learning such a language, but at least I can tell you that katakana sucks. Gods, I hate it so much. Hiragana is so pleasurable to learn. And I know katakana is visually similar, but it is a no no from me. I have learnt some basic kanji signs. And I just admire you so much more.

I hope you will have wonderful and peaceful week, Babe! Once again, please take care of yourself. Remember to have proper rest, sleep at least 8 hours and drink water! I hope your leg will be better soon!

🔪

Hey Knifey! I finally have the right mind set to respond to this ask!

So first of all thank you. You always make me blush with your kind words and I have no idea how to react! I want to squeaze you in a hug and give you all the sweets in the world!

As for the rest. You see i have always worked to hard on studying, so hard it actually burned out everything inside so now all i want to do i nothing! But i cant, i really want to go back to spending my free time in more creative way!

Omg Knifey! Finally i met a museum lover! And gods i want to visit them all! And you know? That Icelandinc museum sounds like such a goal, i want to go there 🥺 and Seoul museum of teddy bears?! I want to go there!

Honestly I love all museums and generally history. I enjoy visiting ruins of castles and villages, going to museums of everything! Art, machines, objects! There are always so many things and so many different ways to find the inspiration! And I always take so many photos for 'future references'. Some time ago i was in a gardens which showed different time of gardens of the world and there was this amazing exhibition of demons from Slavic mithology. That was so awesome! As well as Japanese garden!

In began restaurant i have this fried soy bites in some sweet-spicy sauce. So tasty! Im trying to recreate this recipe but so far its 1:0 for the soy :/

As for my leg. Its swollen AF bht i just... Put on my shoe and pretended it didnt exist. I can walk in good shoes but still im worried. As for that little again... I generally have some weird health issues. I had 5 surgeries for different stuff (spine, tumor, nose) so like... Generally i am healthy... Or at least i was until thst damned foot decided to show off. Its been 4 weeks and im still looking for a solution, running different tests and all. Hopefully they will figure out whag is going on.

Yes TELL ME ALL THE STORIES ABOUT KOREA.! I love stories, tell me everything!

Tbh i never listen ed to k-pop. I guess its just nkt my type of music but I enjoy some Japanese and Chinese songs (one i like is Arrogant by Xiao Zhang). I know songs you sent me and gods they are amazing! I love sabaton, rock/metal im general but I listen to all kind of music. Like Italian soundtrack from Winx, music from burlesque, Dragonforce, shanties. If there are k-pop songs you like you can always send then to me! Ill gladly listen to them all!

Im glad you like those wombos i guess i should make more! 😂😂

And gods. Katakana. 4 years of learning Japanese and I still need katakana board to remember those signs! And tbh i feel like Japanese duolingo has some mistakes ;/ but for Japanese i used lingodeer app and it was nice!

Knifey Im very sorry you have troubles sleeping. Is there something you can do to make it easier for you? Maybe you can take some melatonin pills? Maybe you are stressed? Can you maybe contact doctor, maybe they can help? I dont want anything bad to happen to you! Please take care of yourself? Pretty please?

Love you so much Knifey, you are such a sunshine and I just want you to be happy and healthy!

[tsumusamu]

asks :D

sorry i took so long to answer these! i just put them in one post so i wouldn't spam too much

Um I read both your series recently and I just wanted to tell you omg I love them so much I couldn’t put down my phone I got so invested into it and if it’s not a bother if you could add me to the tag list for Amorentia and Call you mine🥺💜👉👈

of course! it’s not a bother! i’m happy to hear you’re enjoying the series! <3

hello, i just want to ask if you have any haikyuu fic recommendations (preferably abt bokuto or atsumu)? Or know any other acct/s that write them? im currently on a fic hunt and i just want some writing that’s as good as yours 🤧

hi there! honestly i havent read many haikyuu fics as of late but alkhale on ao3 is probably my favorite author of all time. they have explicit fics but their rated t fics are just as good. i admire them so much!!

I LOVE UR WRTING omgosh am looking forward to the next part of call you mine SO MUCH u have no idea !!! heheh take ur time will be patiently waitinggg <3 take care!!!

i’m so happy you like my writing it means so much! you take care as well ok <3

My emotions went everywhere!! can you add me to the Call you mine taglist please?😆

Of course!

Omg omg omg I really enjoyed the most recent chapter of ‘call you mine’!! I know you were stressed about writing/publishing it but GIRLL IT WAS AMAZING AND HEART-WRENCHING - and it was a great read! Keep up the awesome work, and I’m looking forward to seeing reader and Atsumu’s interactions in the future like UGH MY HEART. PLEASE, YOU LOVE BLINDED IDIOTS. Take care, lovely!! <3 stay healthy and get some good many hours of sleep! :)) 

GLAD THAT YOU ENJOYED IT!! yes i dont think it was my best work but i will do my best to keep writing in the future! they are such idiots that i felt myself cringing so hard while writing LOL </3 i will take care of myself and i hope you do too!!!

can I be tagged in the next update of Call you mine? 

yes!

you are such a talented writer and i just love “call you mine”. i saw that you apologised for making part 4 12k words long, but honestly write as much as you want to bc we all need as much of this series as we can get. (btw i saw that you said you don’t know when you’ll post the next update, but i kid you not when i say that i’ll check your blog daily to see if you’ve posted another part of the series and to check our your other content as well 🤭) 

YES HAHA sorry i do get really long winded sometimes hence the huge chapter that i posted a few weeks ago LOL the last chapter will be even longer so prepare for that....... sorry abt my inconsistency that i cant tell you when i’ll update next but thank you for being so patient and supportive!!

could i be added in the taglist of both atsumu fics 🥺

yup!

i am speed

and would love to be added to your general taglist whenever you update any of your fics!! thanks🤍

of course! <3

can i be tagged for the call you mine 🥺 

yes i’ll tag you :)

i’m in love with the hogwarts haikyuu au! i think it’s an amazing idea that needs more stories

ME TOO ANY HOGWARTS AU HAS ME GOING INSANE I THINK IT’S ONE OF THE MOST ENTERTAINING AUS TO BOTH READ AND WRITE. i will definitely be writing more hogwarts haikyuu in the future!!

i forgot to add to that last post that what you’re writing is wonderful and amazing and can’t wait for part 4!

thank you so much for your support!

call you mine is such a masterpiece, you’re such an amazing fucking writer (like the plot and everything???? GENIUS) and i can’t wait for the next update sndnkejdh 

AHHH ANON thank you im so happy that you liked call you mine uiefdiasifua im currently working on the update rn thanks for being patient!!

Hi i was the ao3 reader who discovered you and wanted to drop by and say i am sooo excited to read your latest chapter!!! i also wanted to say I love LOVE major love your hogwarts au fic! idk if you know james potter but you probably do seeing as you made an au but atsumu reminds me soo much of young james potter!! i read some fics of james potter and i find him and atsumu so alike in a a way i would love if you could do more takes on your hogwartsau!!! i could send you the links if you want!!

OMGJOIJAI I hadnt even thought of it that way?? now that you mention it james and atsumu in my story do seem to have some similarities but i hope i didnt make atsumu too much of a dickhead D: i will definitely be writing more for hogwarts haikyuu!

can i mayhap get added to your general taglist? your writing is AMAZING, never fails to send me into the stratosphere from how good it is.

sure thing! i’m happy you’re enjoying my work thank you for your message <3 pls dont stay too long in the stratosphere though it’s kinda hard to breathe up there LOL

hiii!!! can you please add me to call you mine taglist?? 

for sure!

IM SO EXCITED FOR PART 5 OF CALL U MINE AHHHHHHHHH

I HOPE IT WILL LIVE UP TO YOUR EXPECTATIONS!!

Hello!!! Can I please be added to the Amortentia and Call you Mine taglist please? ❤️❤️ I think about them all the time, Atsumu brain rot for life!

Also super hyped for your upcoming Osamu fic! You’re amazing, I hope you’re not too stressed! Stay hydrated and get enough sleep you wonderful human being ✨✨✨❤️❤️

YES OF COURSE U CAN AND ATSUMU BRAINROT FOR ME 24/7 AS WELL. i hope i’ll be able to finish that osamu fic soon aaa thank you for being patient <3 please take care of yourself as well!

Will ch.5 be the last chapter of Call You Mine?

yes!

i just wanna say 'call you mine' is 10/10. your writing? *french kiss* i love how you go into detail - we see both atsumu's reader p.o.v - it gives depth to the characters! it's so realistic too. reader's hesitance is very valid - like how can you be sure of atsumu's feeling, when he's getting his dick wet everyday LOL! thank you for writing this, i am enjoying it so much! <3

HDSUUFHASUHF ANON PLS AHHH IM SO HAPPY THAT UR ENJOYING IT and also atsumu will get his dick wet one last time in the final part... u will see ;)

HELLO AMORTENTIA AND CALL YOU MINE ARE SO NICE im gonna cry my favorite tropes + one of them is a hogwarts!au + your writing 🥺❤️

HELLO HELLO THANK U FOR READING MY WORK!!!

i can’t wait for part 5 of call you mine. this series of yours is literally so GENIUS

i really hope that it will be satisfying!! thank you for your kind message!

I wanted to say that your writing is absolutely perfect. The way you capture these characters I’m truly speechless, and each chpt it just gets better and better 😭😭💛 could I ask to be added to the call you mine taglist? Truly, thank you for ur amazing writing !!!! 😭

AHHHH IM LITERALLY BLUSHING... THANK YOU FOR THE COMPLIMENTS IM T___T yes of course you can be added to the taglist and thank you for reading my work!

ALSO YOUR TAKE ON TSUMU IS GOLDEN. IT IS CLASS. PERFECTION. GRACE. I CANT EVEN EXPLAIN. Anywayz CATCH ME CRYING OVER CALL YOU MINE TSUMU AND Y/N 🥲😭💛

PLS ATSUMU IS MY FAVORITE CHARACTER I ABSOLUTELY LOVE WRITING MY TAKE ON HIM. IM HAPPY TO HEAR THAT YOURE ENJOYING THIS TSUMU. AND YES... CALL YOU MINE TSUMU AND Y/N LITERALLY DRIVE ME CRAZY THEY R SO DUMB BUT I CRY WHILE WRITING THEM

Hi there! I love your Call You Mine atsumu x reader fic so much, it’s so well written! Would it be possible for me to be added to the taglist please?

thank you! and yes you can be added!

hi, just caught up with call you mine! i know this might be an odd comment on it but i'm currently going through a similar situation with my best friend as reader is (gray area, we haven't talked in a while) and reading both of their perspectives really brought me comfort. anyway thank you for writing it :)

ooo wow :O i really hope the situation you’re in gets resolved soon im wishing you good luck!! im happy that my writing was able to give you comfort <3 thank you for reading and supporting my writing!

your video edits are just *chefs kiss* my friends and I have been laughing at them for days in our gc and have even inspired memes of our own 😅 hope to see more them, they’re too good istg sending you love from three art school kids from Europe 🥺💕✨

??!#())(!@ OMG HAHAHA i would love to see some of the memes you guys came up with LOL sending love right back at you <3

hi love !! can i be added your gen tag list if you have one?

yes, i’ll add you!

Hello! Sorry for the bother but I’m suck a HUGE fan of your smau! And I’m talking about “Call You Mine” it’s so good and depressing...but that isn’t the point! I know you are busy with something else but I would like to ask if it’s be alright if I made a small fic about that story? If not, that is completely fine and understandable!

Thank you for your time and cya next time!!

yup yup that series comes with an angst tag for a reason! you’re not being a bother don’t worry! i would prefer for no fics to be made based off of the story, i’m sorry :( but thank you for asking!

I just discovered your blog and I love your writing so much.

I was wondering if I could be added to the tag list for call you mine with atsumu x reader? This story hurts me so much and it's written so well.

Thank you and have a nice day 🧡

hi! thank you for supporting my writing! yes you can be added to the taglist and im sorry it hurts </333 hope you have a nice day too bb

When do you think the next part of amortentia will be up? It’s my favorite series 😫 (no rush though!!!!)

hmmm im really not sure unfortunately :(

Sorry to bother, but I literally went through every part of Call you Mine just now AND I LOVE EVERY BIT OF IT. Oh my goodness it hurts how much I love it. The friendship and the unspoken love for each other that leads to a long yearning for each other is literally my fanfic bread and butter. ITS SO DARN GOOD and I felt like I needed to tell you that. Anyways, I hope you are having an amazing week, you’re taking care of yourself, you’re safe and healthy! Thank you for what you do! 🤗

IM SO HAPPY TO HEAR THAT YOU LOVE IT. GENUINELY. KNOWING THAT PEOPLE ARE ENJOYING MY WORK MAKES ME SMILE SO BIG. THANK YOU FOR TELLING ME YOUR THOUGHTS. please take care yourself as well, and thank you for your ask!

Hi! I recently saw your atsumu x reader fic on ao3 (Call you mine) and I haven't read it yet but I've seen others talk about it on tumblr so I was wondering if I could be added to a tag list for that fic (if you have one ofc). Feel free to ignore this ask if you don't have one or it's full!

yes i can add you the taglist! i hope you’ll enjoy the fic whenever you decide to read it! <3

[pupboy-denial]

day 5 - day 6

didnt rlly have time to write anything yesterday! i went out to eat and had to do homework so i didnt spend too much time edging. i did edge a bit, but i think it was mostly soft edges and nothing too intense..

ive also edged a bit today! if i make it through tomorrow, that’ll be the same as my last record (roughly?) and i’m really excited!! it’s almost been a week with no orgasms and i’m still so excited about it!! sometimes i rlly wanna cum, usually when im close to the edge, but most of the time im happy being like this. it’s nice to just relax and touch myself without having to worry about cumming. i think i’ve gotten a bit past the urge to cum all the time. im kinda used to just playing with myself and then stopping ig? it’s very nice!!

my toy should have come in today and im gonna go get it from the mailbox later tonight owo!! im sooo excited to fuck myself with it! <3 it’s gonna feel soo good to use a toy, my hand just doesn’t satisfy me enough and it makes it hard not to touch my cock when i do it like that.

i have that nice, relaxed feeling of being horny rn talking abt it all hehe. i kinda wanna condition myself to associate the feeling of being rlly turned on and edged with, like, happiness and comfort and bliss. that way when i cum, it’s so upsetting that i just wanna keep myself edged.

i feel like i’ve been happier since i started edging. a night or two ago i had a huge mood drop but i think it was bc i spent most of spring break being unproductive. i think im over that now and i actually kinda feel in the mood to be productive. im gonna do my best to make sure i have to be productive in order to edge myself since break is ending. tomorrow i can start the edging challenge i have!!! im excited about it!!! and i can spend tonight edging as much and as freely as i want and fucking myself with my new toy <33

💙 ...

IT CAME IN AAHHHH. I HAVENT PLAYED WITH IT YET BUT I WASHED IT OFF SO IT WOULD BE ALL CLEAN AND READY TO USE AND ABAJABAB!! it’s bigger than i expected it to be!!! i think i’ll be able to take it tho. the knot might be hard but i can work up to it!

either way, it’s gonna take a lot of edging to prepare for it. im gonna attempt it later tonight, when people are asleep and hopefully after i get my work done. i need to finish up some homework i didnt realize i had abwnsidh but then hopefully i’ll be good to go. oh fuck im so excited to get so filled up. it’s so pretty and squishy and i just want it inside me so bad. it’s exactly the colors i wanted too!! the base is black and the rest is red and it’s hnnnn so so pretty i wanna fuck ittt

💙 ...

anwksidhsv WOW that was really intense fuck.

im rlly tired after that lol but i’ll do my best to summarize! so so i started edging and all and i managed to get ready enough to take the toy and. WOW.

it kinda hurt and it’s not that long yet but it’s still REALLY nice!! i edged on it a lot of times idek how many i just. i got RLLY close to cumming, like RLLY close. for a bit i was like “but cumming wouldn’t be so bad right?” and like for the first time since i’ve like started denial i could rlly just. IMAGINE exactly what it felt like to cum and i was so sure i was gonna. there were a few rlly close calls and im so glad i didnt accidentally cum bc that would have sucked a lot. but. yeah.

i stopped when i started getting too close and now im all cleaned up and stuff and i feel empty and needy <33 im kinda over sensitive enough rn to not be too bothered by it but yeah that’s my update hehe

[heavenlymisa]

Hello! I hope you are well and taking care of yourself. I would like to ask for headcanons with Shoto, Bakugou and Kirishima (separately) with a short girlfriend (158cm) curly hair, thick thighs and wears glasses. Thanks and I Love your work! ♥️♥️♥️♥️ Hugs from Brazil

AN: heyy!! thank you for your request!! i am taking care of myself, i just stepped away from doing tumblr for a while because i didnt feel my best and didnt want it to rub off of my fanfiction! but now im back and better than everr and planning an smau 😎 so enjoyy!! and sorry if its too short 😔

todoroki, bakugou, and kirishima with a short, thicc, curly-headed, glasses wearin’ girlfriend ❤️

𝙩𝙤𝙙𝙤𝙧𝙤𝙠𝙞 𝙨𝙝𝙤𝙩𝙤

* being completely honest, he doesnt care about what you look like. i think sho sho is all for a girlfriend thats kind and loving 🙈 no matter how she looks/shaped

* but it is a bonus with thick thighs

* mans is probably obsessed with them (being completely honest)

* man, does todoroki love your hair and glasses.

* he thinks you look sooo cute with your glasses like [ shoto: 💍👈🏻 hand in marriage plz ma’am]

* and if youre insecure of your glasses, mans will make SURE you know how beautiful you are 😤😤

* he WILL buy a pair of glasses just like yours so you two can match. i dont make the rules, sorry ❤️

* he just wants you to see the same girl he sees, thats all 🙈

* sho sho LOVES your hair-

* he will buy you a lifetime supply of eco gel, cantu, and more curly headed needs with his father’s credit card <3

* because he LOVE YOUUUU

* “ todo, im running out of cantu...”

* “ its okay, love. just take my dad’s credit card.” 🙂

* okay, you cannot tell me that sho will not look up how to do hairstyles for your type of hair.

* and when he askes you if he can style your hair, you let him, and it looks good???

* new hairstylist??? yup yup.

* omgg your shortness just adds onto the cuteness!!

* wearing one of his hoodies? its a dress!

* wear one of his shirts?? its also a dress!!

* wear one of his sweatpants?? tighten the strings around your waist, and roll up the pants sleeves and you’ll be good to go!

* babie will never make fun of your size because he doesnt like to get made fun of.

* #goldenrule ❤️😝

* but he does think youre super cute because of your tininess 🙈

* omg omg a scenario just came into my head:

* shoto bursts into your dorm looking like he just came from hell. well, technically he did because he came back from his intense training he did with Mr. Aizawa.

* You sit straight up in your bed to be met with eyes tiredly staring back at you. you took your covers off half of your body, inviting shoto to lay down.

* todoroki wastes no time to lay his head down on your thighs and wrap his arms around your waist.

* knowing todoroki doesnt want to talk, you start combing your hands through his hair.

* todoroki on the other hand, was so grateful for you. you were his comfort place. his home. and he was never gonna give you up any time soon.

* so he needed to figure out when to give you the promise ring he’s stashed in his pocket a week ago...

𝙗𝙖𝙠𝙪𝙜𝙤𝙪 𝙠𝙖𝙩𝙨𝙪𝙠𝙞

* not gonna lie, he didnt see you as an extra when he first saw you. you were different. and he LOVES different.

* of course, he doesnt date based off of looks, but personality and power.

* but, who’s a man to resist a thicc girl? 🥴

* he definitely cusses anyone out who looks at your ass. i dont make the rules 🙈

* your ass is for him and him ONLY to admire. no extra will stare at the HOLY GRAIL 😫😫😫

* dont get this man started on your hair- this hoe will buy lifetime amounts of hair products with his own money.

* you need a bottle of conditioner? bitch stfu and take 10.

* you need cantu? he will buy you a ridiculously big ass container of cantu.

* need gel? girl just take one of the many big containers of it suki got for you.

* just like sho sho, he WILL watch videos on how to do it and practice with your hair.

* your arms tired when you do your hair?? dont worry! katsuki is otw 🥳

* “work out your arms more, dumbass. then your arms wont get tired and i wont have to do your shitty hair.”

* the hoe doesnt mean it.

* he loves playing with your curly hair.

* your height?? he makes fun of it.

* he uses your head as a arm rest when he’s standing beside you

* but NO ONE ELSE can make fun of you but him

* some extra says something about your height?? they gotta deal with the gremlin.

* “y/n-chan is sooo small!! she’s the size of my pinkey-“ BOW BITCH 👊🏽💥

* now adding the glasses with your shortness?? gawd i pray for you...

* he will call you simon

* he wont even call you JEANETTE 🙄

* you regret introducing him to alvin and the chipmunks.

* everytime you walk into his dorm, the alvin and the chipmunks version of Funkytown starts to play while he busts out laughing.

* god FORBID you wear blue. the hoe WILL tell you to do some calculations.

* “hey, simon, you mind telling me approximately how far the gamma gym is from here?? my feet are getting sore.”

* “simon!! can you do this math equation for me??”

* WAIT IM GETTING OFF TOPIC OMG-

* regardless, suki loves you so much i cannot FATHOM.

* regardless of how much he clowns you, you’re his baby ❤️

𝙠𝙞𝙧𝙞𝙨𝙝𝙞𝙢𝙖 𝙚𝙞𝙟𝙞𝙧𝙤

* girl, babey noticed you on the first day of school, cause you stood out like a sore thumb. of course not in a bad way! he saw you as 𝑏𝑎𝑏𝑦 🙈

* he ALWAYS loved your hair. he just wants to run his hands through your hair because of how CURLY it is.

* and when he touches you hair, with consent 🙈❤️, he is ADDICTED

* kiri wants to do your hair every single day-

* “babe, can i do you hair??”

* “eiji this is the third time to asked today- nO-“

* please let him do your hair 😔

* it just looks so fluffy and cute on you

* but add being thick and short to your hair-

* 💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓

* babe is in HEAVEN

* he is earth and you are the glorious SUN ☀️ (props to anyone who knows who thats from)

* youre a whole GODDESS OMG

* AND WITH GLASSES?!??

* you just got even cuter 😫😫

* kirishima adores your glasses.

* and if youre insecure about all of those things-

* you better believe kirishima WILL make you see the girl he sees.

* he will steal your glasses and put them on him and call them “gorgeous glasses”

* “babe!! are the gorgeous glasses working for me like they do for you?!?”

* “kirishIMA-“

* if he catches someone looking at your ass, he WILL creep behind them and scare them.

* i can just imagine it

* you reaching up in a grocery store and some guy walks by and stares a little too hard at you ass and doesnt move for a couple of seconds.

* no kirishima just came back from the isle over and saw the whole thing take place.

* what does he do?

* he quietly makes his way over to the guy and whispers in his ear:

* “its not manly to stare at a girls butt for that long. especially when she already has a significant other.”

* the guy has a hard attack.

* but still

* bitch youre his baby!!! his fuckin cinnamon apple!! 😡😡😡

* and he loves you for youuuu!!! 🤪

[kaazzzyy]

Kengan Omega One shot series : Introduction

Hi, everyone ! 

Sooo, I thought about writing some Kengan Omega stuff and finally came with an idea : making connected one shots with a female reader as she interacts with Kengan’s characters. All one-shots will be posted according into chronogical order and occurs during Omega. I hope you will enjoy them !

(Reader’s name is not defined so you can call her by any name you like. However, her gender and appearence are fixed by myself ! )

Nervousness and anxiety. And maybe a little bit of determination...

That's all what's running through her at this very moment.

Her tiny form is standing in front of the not-so-impresive building she was searching for : The Yamashita Trading Co. Her watering eyes looked down to the paper in her shaking hand.

'There is no mistake... That's the right adress. C-come on (Y/n), the first step is the hardest !', she tought, trying to store some courage before coming in.

Her stress rate made a sudden jump the moment she pushed the door open. nobody was here. She let out a sigh of relief. She examined her surrounding quickly to finally head for the only interesting thing in the ground floor : the stairs.

'Okay... He must be upstairs... Let's go... !'

Climbing the stairs, she immediatly noticed something. Her hands weren't the only things shaking now; her legs started to give her up too. She mentally cursed herself for being such a nervous mess. Her thoughts were suddenly interrupted by the fading sound of voices coming from upstairs. She stopped for a second, then resumed in making her way upstairs. She was sweating so much, she felt like she was climbing a mountain actually .

She is now standing just before the door where the voices are coming from. She reajusted her red tie, the collar of her white shirt covered by her black three piece suit, to finally tighten the red hair elastic holding up her high ponytail. Then, she knocked on the door.

The voices suddenly stopped. She swallowed. Hard.

She opened the door, nevertheless. Way slower than she would have wanted to.

Three pairs of curious and surprised eyes were instantly on her. She made her best to introduce herself without stuttering.

"H-hi ! I'm (Y/n) (L/n) ! I was told to come and see Mister Yamashita today. Is he here ?"

She failed.

A short uncomfortable silence followed before the second woman in the room spoke up, very politely.

"(Y/n) (L/n) ? He told me about you coming. Mister Yamashita isn't here for the moment. He had an urgent meeting, sorry."

'Hum... Maybe it's my chance to come later so I won't have to stand before so much people but Mister Yamashita...'

(Y/n) tried to ignore the two males looking at her and only focused her attention to the blonde woman.

"Owh, I see ! Hum... So... I will come again later then ? Is it okay ?", she nervously smiled. - "From what he said me you want to join the Kengan Association as a new CEO. I just started telling these young men everything about the Kengan Association and the way it works. Are you interested in joining us in ?", proposed the woman as she reajusted her glasses.

The proposal surprised her but she managed to answer quickly, thanks to her nervousness.

"Y-yeah ! Of course ! Thanks for having me.", she thanked as she closed the door and searched for a chair to sit on. They were no chairs in the room, exept from the ones where the two guys are sitting. Hopefully, she noticed a couch beside the blonde one and took a sit. She did her best to not die from embarassment when she caught the blondie looking at her from aside. She acted like she didnt notice and looked down at her sweating hands.

She finally looked up when the woman started speaking again.

"I'm Akiyama Kaede, Yamashita Trading Co.'s secretary. And these two are Narushima Koga, an apprentice fighter and Gaoh Ryuki, an official fighter. They are both new to the association."

(Y/n) looked at both males and nodded at them with a nervous smile.

"N-Nice to meet you both...!"

Koga nodded at her back while Ryuki answered her, indifferent. "Nice to meet you."

'What a warm welcome...', she tought ironically.

Kaede resumed her speech about the Kengan Association. (Y/n) (L/n) knew some of the things said but she also learned a lot about it. Then came the most interesting part for her : the one about fights and fighters.

'I see... So all the fighters must have been registered with Yamashita Trading Co. to be able to fight in Kengan matches...', she thought deeply, almost not noticing the two other males entering the room suddenly. They greeted Kaede in a very friendly and warm way which made Koga obviously angry as (Y/n) conclued they must have known each other for a long time.

"Allow me to introduce you Himuro Ryo and Kaneda Suekichi. They are both active fighters." - "Pleased to meet you. My name is Kaneda, as she just said.", repeated the closed-eyed smile guy, happily. - "Himuro as a perfect 21 win record in the Kengan matches, and Kaneda is a veteran with 12 matches under his belt."

(Y/n) was looking at them in owe, then focusing on Kaneda. 'So that's how active fighters look like... That one seems pretty fragile tought...'

"Kaede, do you mind if I start now ?", asked Himuro. - "Of course ! Go right ahead !" - "So, like Kaede just said we are both fighters. We are employed by Ginokuniya Bookstore.", he started before turning his attention on Ryuki and smiled, "So, Gaoh, was it ? We saw your match yesterday. You beat Kokuro in your debut match... That's pretty impressive." - "Tch. Condescending ass.", commented Koga.

(Y/n)'s eyes widened as she saw Koga being punched hardly in the face by the white-haired man. She didnt even have the time to process what happened that Ryuki kicked his desk and then threw his chair at him. Himuro dodged the desk, deflected the chair with his arm and finally blocked Ryuki upcoming attack with one hand as his other one was under the boy's chin, menacingly.

"Wait, for real ? He adapted to "that move's blind spot"...!", exclaimed Koga, dumbfounded.

'What is he talking about ? I couldn't see anything ! That was happening so fast !', the girl thought, breathless. If only she knew that Himuro's next question would have made her even more shaken up. She wasn't prepared for what was coming next.

"What did you move to kill Kokuro after the match was over ?", asked Himuro angrily, "Choose your words carefully, 'cause I can still kill you from this distance."

'K-KILL ?!', yelled (Y/n) in her head as she suddenly stood up in surprise.

"You are right, I would have ended up killing Kokuro if Mister Yamashita hadn't stopped me. I just forgot that it was just a "match"... I've only fought in fights to death up until now.", explained Ryuki like it was nothing.

Koga and (Y/n) let escape a sound of surprise as Ryuki continued, "But if you can't kill people in Kengan matches, then I will follow that rule."

Himuro thought for a second before letting go of Ryuki. "It seems like you are not lying."

He then sat down as he explained the reason he was here. Apparently Yamashita asked him and Kaneda to be in charge of their "education". (Y/n) managed to calm down a bit since.

"From this day forth, I'm going to be your mentor. I'm going to make you two into first-rate fighters." - "No, I'm good.", instantly refused Ryuki which made everyone sweatdrop while (Y/n) cracked a smile. The way he said that was way too funny for her.

Now that the situation finally calmed down, Kaneda proposed to Koga to follow him while Himuro did the same with Ryuki. Koga seemed distrusful at first but accepted anyway. On the other hand, Ryuki just walked after Himuro silently.

(Y/n) was now left alone with Kaede. Being alone with her made her way less nervous than she was earlier so she dared to spoke up for once.

"It was the first time I faced such a situation. I think I will have to work about that.", she joked with a small giggle.

Kaede smiled at her. "Indeed ! But don't worry, it's usually way calmer around here." - "I hope so !", she laughed before continuing, "So, do you have any idea when Mister Yamashita will be back ?" - "I have no idea for the moment, i'm sorry. Maybe you can give me your number so I can tell you when he's avaible." - "Oh yeah ! Here's my number..."

Kaede wrote the girl's number on a piece of paper before thanking her and apologizing for the CEO's absence.

"It's okay, don't worry ! He's a CEO so he must be very busy, I can understand that.", she smiled brightly before walking up to the door, "Thanks for all the informations you gave us earlier, it was very interesting. I hope I will get to see you soon. Have a nice day !"

(Y/n) waved at Kaede before going out of the room and closing the door behind her.

'She seems to be a kind and lovely girl.', thought Kaede with a eye-closed smile, 'I wonder what kind of CEO she will become...'

                                     ---------------------------------------------

The next day, (Y/n) received a message from Kaede. She will be able to see Yamashita today at the office. She smiled in front of her phone as she just woke up. She got dressed and took her breakfast before stepping outside with a helmet on. She climbed on her motorcycle and drove towards her next destination.

She lived pretty near from Yamashita Trading Co.'s building but she always enjoyed riding her bike, even for the shortest trip. She arrived soon at the previous day's adress. She parked her bike, put off her helmet, and headed for the first floor just like yesterday.

She was wearing the same outfit as before. She didn't really like dressing formally but she wanted to make a good first impression on people. Besides, it made her looking more professional and credible, some assets she really lacked because of her shyness and her ability to get nervous very easily around people she doesn't know.

"Good morning Mister Yamashita, Miss Akiyama !", greeted (Y/n), entousiastly. She was surprisingly feeling at ease around them already. She met Yamashita briefly once some weeks ago and immediatly noticed how comfortable the atmosphere around him is. He's just so kind, respectul, not intimidating at all... at least for her.

Yamashita's face brighten up at her entrance. "Here you are Miss (L/n) ! I'm sorry for yesterday ! I had a very important meeting and all..." - "No need to apologize, Mister Yamashita !", she reassured with a smile, seeing the man before her getting obviously nervous and embarassed, "It happens ! Besides, Miss Akiyama already told me a lot yesterday and I could even have the chance to meet some active fighters." - "Yeah, that's a unique chance !", he laughed, "I planned to take you to see a real Kengan match soon anyway, so that you can witness how it looks like." - "Really ? That's so nice of you, thanks !"

(Y/n) was now as excited as ever. She didn't know why, but seeing a real Kengan fight is something she was waiting for with impatience.

"But I also have a bad news for you...", continued Yamashita, now a mix of sadness and seriousness on his face.

(Y/n) looked straight at him, growing more and more nervous by the second. "What is it...?"

"You wanted to integrate the Kengan Association as fast as possible as a new CEO, but that won't be possible right now." - "W-why ?", she brutaly asked, unable to prevent her sudden anger to take the upper hand on her usual kind and smiling self. Yamashita reajusted his glasses, "The Association is encountering some serious problems at the moment. However,I will gladly hire you as a new secretary so you can see by yourself how the association works !"

Yamashita smiled silently at her, waiting for her answer. (Y/n) thought for a short time before nodding slowly. "It's with a huge pleasure that I accept your proposition !"

'Anything is better than being in stanby for a non-determined lenght. Besides, being right on the field is a perfect opportunity to learn. Let's do that, yeah. I wonder what are these "problem" he is talking about, tought...'

"So, when will I be starting ?", finally asked the girl, curiously. - "Right now ! If it doesn't bother you, of course ! All this wasn't planned after all." Yamashita scratched the back of his head in embarassment. - "No, I don't mind at all ! I had nothing planned today anyway..."

Yamashita laughed happily as he gave Akiyama some instructions about (Y/n)'s new role in the Yamashita Trading Co. The beautiful woman only nodded silently before looking at the girl.

"Come here, I will show you some data about the fighters and how it works.", offered Akiyama as she sat in front of her computer.

(Y/n) instantly nodded and took a sit next to the blonde secretary and listened carefully to everyword she said.

Yamashita looked at the two females with a slight smile on his face, his expression softening. Having suddenly a few more new people around him made him happy for some reason. Maybe he was starting to feel lonely somehow ? 

Even him didn't know.

[kweebtrash]

Love is (Not) Easy

Messy Chapter 11

Pairing(s): OC X Johnny

Genre: College AU, Fuckboy AU, Smut, 

Summary: Fuckboys are basically good for one thing. You hit it and quit it- except when his voice draws you in, his body keeps you there, and dumb ass feelings linger making things particularly messy.

Warnings: alcohol, a smidge of ptsd, mentions of anxiety attacks/panicking

Features: daddy/mommy kink, rope bondage, heavy teasing, some hair pulling, a little bit of deep throating, panty gag, sex toys, a little bit of masturbation/watching someone masturbate, rough sex, thigh high kink, thigh fucking, cumshot, protected and unprotected sex, car sex,

Word Count: 14k

A/N: Johnny and Eri get into a bunch of positions in this one sooo....i hope it comes out clear enough where they’re situated. Try not to send asks with spoilers guys! I want to give people the chance to catch up! also this one is shorter than usual so let me know if you have some feedback.

Messy Masterlist   Buy me a Ko-Fi    Other Stories

Johnnys POV

It was the same bar and club that I performed at surprisingly enough. I knew this place like the back of my hand and it was packed as all hell. I wondered if it was because Eri's band was drawing the crowd or if it was because of the holiday. Either way I was excited to see them perform but for whatever reason I couldn't seem to find them anywhere. I even had Quinn and Jae look with no luck. We had been here for two hours, suffering through terrible bands and trying to be a little less sober. It was nearing the allowed time that Eri was set to play and I should have seen them on stage by now. They were still nowhere to be found. All I saw were some roadies switching out equipment and a dude with dreads do a mic check. That was it.

I finished my watered down drink and nudged Jae, telling him that we should start moving to the front. The crowd was starting to file against the stage and i didnt want to be stuck in the back. I adjusted my snapback and pulled up my sleeves. "You guys ready?" Neither of them had been to a metal show before and I was stuck being in charge. Quinn held onto Jae for dear life, looking around like a deer in headlights. I especially didn't want them getting lost in the crowd given how small they were and the potential level of rowdiness that was to come. "Alright, hold onto me and just shove through. Use your elbows, got it?"

"Are we fucking going to war?" Jae asked.

I sighed. "Not until you get into the pit."

"Like the mosh pit?!" Quinn squeaked.

"Don't worry. I won't let you get tossed in. Cmon, follow me."

Quinn held onto the back of my shirt, staying safely between Jae and I as I started shoving my way through the crowd. There were still some gaps in between the crowd and I was able to get through to the front, not exactly against the stage but it was good enough to see things clearly. I saw a drummer start positioning himself behind the kit. The show seemed like it was about to start and I couldn't help but feel ecstatic. A bassist and the guy with the dreads came next, holding their guitars. Then I finally saw them. They looked incredibly badass even though their outfit was simple. It was a black mini skirt and an oversized white button up with a black tie. That was paired with delicious black thigh highs and scruffed up combat boots that looked like they had seen better days. Their hair was still a gorgeous mane of curls and one side was partially braided to give it a faux undercut look. Their makeup was a smokey purple with dark lipstick that accentuated how full their lips were. I swallowed hard and shifted a bit. I couldn't help it, they just looked so damn hot.

I covered my mouth so no one could see how badly I was biting my lip as I watched their every move. Their hands delicately wrapped around a shot glass that had been placed on their amp and tossed back the brown liquid. It was second nature to Eri and I had seen them do it dozens of times but in this moment it was utterly sensual. The tuned their guitar, caressing the strings and tuning keys. They had a natural born stage presence that was so powerful and commanding that it made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I thought about getting their attention but I didn't want to seem too desperate. I sat back and decided to watch instead. Eri had the talent to carry their band so I knew it wouldn't be as bad as the others. As dreads guy introduced their band, Eri went to work checking their amp and cords. As they bent over to make sure the settings of the amp were where they wanted them to be, I could see the tops of their thigh highs. My stomach lurched and i felt like a teenager with how pathetically horny i was acting. I tried to shake it out of my body and take some deep breaths to calm myself. I felt like an idiot and was ready to kick myself. The beginnings of "I'm Not Okay" by My Chemical Romance started, taking me back to my middle school days. All the tension in my body dissolved and I actually chuckled a bit. This really was emo night. I expected the guy with the dreads to start singing since he was in front of the center mic but Eri was the one that opened their mouth. 

Jae, Quinn, and I exchanged looks as we were shocked to hear a slightly husky and gritty voice instead of something more feminine. Quinn had a bright smile on their face, cheering loudly and being so proud of Eri. Even though I was usually irritated by Quinn and we were always fighting, I appreciated that they loved Eri as much as I did. Eri's fingers smoothly flowed over the guitar strings and though they had let me hear them play before, nothing compared to the live show. The song ended and Eri smiled, looking above the crowd and towards the back wall. It was most likely to ease some sort of stage fright or anxiety.

"Who's ready to tell this year to fuck off?!" They said, getting a large response of cheers and claps. "I know for goddamn sure I am. I've been through so much shit it's not even funny. So why doesn't everyone get a shot, toss it back, and give me a big fuck you!" There was a round of 'fuck yous' and people downing their drinks. Eri looked towards the bar and held up three fingers to signal an order while the other guitarist took over getting the hype up. In the meantime, Eri set their guitar on its stand and took off their tie and shirt, tossing it to the side and revealing a tight leather vest that definitely accentuated their full chest. I was almost back to being a drooling mess until I heard a few dozen whistles from the men in the crowd. My irritation skyrocketed as i didnt want other men ogling them but I had to remind myself that this was just for the show and nothing more.

A scantily clad bartender made her way onto the stage holding a tray of three shots. Eri tossed two back and with some incentive from the crowd, set the last glass between the bartenders tits. The bartender camped it up, shimmying just a bit as Eri wrapped their mouth around the rim and pulled it out, swallowing the liquor. I crossed my arms in front of my chest and furrowed my brows as I was starting to get pissed off now. They're just showing off, Johnny. It's just for the show. I sighed deeply, trying to get my feelings in check. The next song started with an eccentric  intro about Pennywise the Clown which I'd never heard before. Their voice started softly before switching to a guttural scream that made me do a complete 180. "Holy shit." I whispered.

Quinn had a look of utter terror on their face while Jae leaned over to me, getting closer to my ear. "Good job dating the spawn of Satan!"

"They're not the spawn of satan." I glared at him. "I think it's cool."

"It's a little weird to hear girls doing it. I know usually guys do this type of music."

"Yeah, well they're on pitch and sound great so shut up." Just then a gap appeared in the front of the stage as someone made their way back through the crowd and I took the opportunity to drag Quinn and Jae to fill the space. I wanted to get Eri's attention then and gave them a small wave. Their eyes widened so big I almost thought they were going to pop out of their head. I gave them a smile, trying to reassure them but they only seemed to get more scared which made their voice waver. Just as the song ended they grabbed the other lead singer and ran off to the side of the stage. I wondered what was wrong and leaned forward, trying to see if I could spot them. They seemed to be speaking frantically but I couldn't hear anything over the roar of the crowd. Hopefully it wasn't anything too bad

--

Eri's POV

"André, André, André, i'm freaking the fuck out! What am I supposed to do?!"

"What's wrong?! You were doing great out there! You sounded awesome. Have you been practicing your screams?"

"Screw that! The guy I've been fucking for months is here along with my best friend and their boyfriend. I'm going to fucking choke!!" My anxiety was taking over big time and I couldn't grasp the fact that people I knew and loved were actually watching me perform. I never invited people to see me for this reason. I would tense up, my throat would close, and the pressure of impressing them would be the only thing I could think about. It gave me one hell of an anxiety attack.

"Ok, so? Be happy that they came to see you! That means they're proud of you and excited to see your talent!" He tried to reassure me.

"Nonono, you don't understand. I can't do this. I'm gonna freak out. I'm like way too nervous. I can't breathe!"

André grabbed onto my shoulders tightly. "Eri, look at me. You are a bad bitch. A bad slutty bitch with talent that blows people's minds. You have performed in front of small crowds and big crowds. You put your heart and soul into it. You're in music journalism because you wanted to prove to every man that you interview that you know exactly what you were talking about and break through that glass ceiling. I want you to go out there and fucking shred like your life depended on it. Make that dude want to rip off your clothes and fuck you senseless. Make everyone see how much of a bad ass you are. You. Can. Do. This. Repeat after me, I'm a slutty bad bitch."

I swallowed hard and shook out my hands, trying to get rid of my nerves. "I-i-i'm a slutty bad bitch."

"And i'm going to go out there and make every man, woman, and everyone in between want me."

"A-and I'm gonna make every m-m-man, woman, and everyone in between w-wa-want me."

"And that dude you've been fucking is going to go insane when he sees what you can really do."

"And that dude-"

"No, hun-" He interrupted. "Don't repeat that part. Look, how about we switch the line up a bit? Then we can pick a song that you feel more confident in."

"Ok, w-what song do you think we should do?" I said, still unsure.

"How about Closer? Your voice sounds sexy and you can let me handle the guitar. What do you think?"

I nodded and whimpered, still feeling queasy. We stepped back onto the stage and André told the other band members about the song change. A regular at the club was against the stage, holding a drink out to me and I took it graciously, downing it in seconds. I needed all the help I could get right now. I had to fake my comfort so i could make it until the end of the set, when the time would wind down and I could scream 'Happy New Year' and let the music fade away. I tried my best not to look down at Johnny, Quinn, or Jae. I needed to keep the alcohol in my stomach instead of all over the crowd. 

The synthy bass thrummed beneath my feet as I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. Closer was the epitome of the classic "let's fuck right now" song and with harder female vocals it made me feel like the worlds greatest sex symbol. André was right. I was a bad slutty bitch. My friends were in the crowd and though I was anxious that I would disappoint them I was also putting forth more effort to impress them. I had to believe that I was as talented and great as André said, no matter how difficult or low my self confidence was. It was time to continue one hell of a show and feel alive.

I caressed myself, threw my hair back, wiggled my hips, and spun around as I sung about fucking like an animal. A smile was slapped across my face and I felt my entire body ignite with excitement. I even got a bit of courage to get on my knees in front of Johnny and sing to him. He gripped my neck and crashed our lips together during the rhythmic break and it felt like I never wanted to come up for air. I had to bow out when my next verse was going to start but he kept me close for a second more to growl "Mine" in my ear.

I shoved him away and stuck out my tongue, giving him sass in return. It was hot the way he wanted to take control but this was my fucking night. When the song finished I heard a male voice in the back yell, "What else can you do with that tongue?!"

I squinted my eyes against the spotlight and looked out to find the voice but all I could do was smirk. "What else can I do with my tongue?" I panted as I was a bit out of breath. "Make your girl cum better than you ever could."

The crowd whooped and hollered at my diss and André signaled for my attention. It was almost time for the countdown. There was one more song we had to play and then we could say goodbye to this year. I set the microphone back on the stand and picked up my guitar again. It was time to party hard. I gave it my last bit of energy as André and I sung together, getting the crowd to start a mosh pit and make the floor vibrate. The last few moments of the song I abandoned my responsibilities and jumped down from the stage joining everyone in the riot like crashing and pushing until it was announced that there was 30 seconds left of the year. I made my way over to Johnny, Jae, and Quinn, giving my best friend a tight squeeze and an awkward high five to Jae.

Johnny wrapped his arms around my waist and pressed me flush against him though I was a sweaty mess that smelled of liquor. I set my arms on his shoulders as ten faded into nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two-

My drummer crashed the symbols and made a big drumroll as everyone screamed in delight. I couldn't scream though. I was lost in the moment of Johnny dipping me, like an old school love story, and covering me in the best kiss he had ever given me. It felt like time had slowed, people had frozen, and all that was left was me and him, facing the world together like we had been; through death, abuse, violence, emotional pain, mental anguish, and longing feelings to be loved. It was what had brought us together, this pain. And while we were trying desperately to be better people it was harder to say than to do. But we were right here. I couldn't hear any words that were said. This moment was right where I wanted to be and I would have given my soul to remain here, frozen in time.

Johnny pulled away and lifted me up, my mind still a little foggy. He kept his body lowered to stay close to me and held my hand in his, positioning us like we were dancing. "You're the most amazing woman I've ever met, Eri. Er….person, sorry."

I shook my head. "I don't care, it's fine. Just stay with me. Come home with me and stay in my bed. I want to have fun tonight. We need to kick off this year with a bang….literally." I giggled.

"You need to sober up and shower. You smell terrible, just so you know." He laughed.

"I know! I know! 30 minutes up there in the spotlight and I sweat like a whore in church! I gotta help the guys load the van up though so it may take me awhile to finish up. I'll text you when I'm done, yeah?"

He nodded and slowly turned us like we were slow dancing, making me smile at his goofy antics. Metal songs were playing over the speakers and he wanted to dance with me like I was Cinderella. I tapped his shoulder and smiled. "Let me go, prince charming. I gotta get moving ok?"

He gave me a final kiss before sadly letting me go. "Hurry back, Eri!"

--

Johnny's POV

I felt so many things when we kissed at the bar and I had no idea why. Maybe it was my body's way of telling me that I needed to finally confess to them. I was still so damn scared to do so. A real relationship. One without getting hit everyday or not consenting to things I didn't want to do. One where I was genuinely happy. The last time I felt happy was a month ago when I visited my mom but I had never been happy with someone who wasn’t family. Eri made me happy. Eri made my heart do unimaginable and completely questionable things. Eri was...I think Eri is the love of my life. I didn't need any deep realizations right now. I just wanted to have fun. We were going to let go. But maybe...maybe I was closer to revealing my true feelings than I thought.

I took and deep breath and knocked on Eri's bedroom door and they opened it, looking much more comfy in their sweats rather than their on stage get up. They stood on their tiptoes to kiss me which always made me smile. "You chilled out a bit?"

"Yeah when you sweat your ass off loading up a truck full of gear in a winter coat and boots it makes the alcohol fade real fast. Come on in. I've got a surprise for you."

"A surprise? What the hell for?" I stepped into the room and closed the door behind me. Eri guided me to their desk chair and sat me down.

"I want to do something a little different tonight."

"You mean...fucking wise?" Eri thinking of things to try in bed always meant trouble for me.

They bit their lip and nodded. "Yeah, do you want to try it out?"

"Depends on what the hell you're scheming." I said skeptically.

"I promise you'll like it! I won't steer you wrong." They went over to their bed and pulled something out from under their pillow. When I saw what it was my whole body tensed.

"Eri, what the hell are you doing?"

"You tied me up last time. It's only fair that I get to do the same to you." They stepped closer with the bit of cotton rope in their hands which made me scoot the chair back.

"Ye-yeah but that was different. Completely different. I don't know if I'd like that!" I said nervously. Being tied up meant I wouldn't be in control which meant I was instantly nervous and unprepared. My body was already beginning to sweat as my heart raced. Eri crept closer and set their finger under my chin to tilt my head up.

"Cmon Johnny. New year, new kinks. We should see if you like something new." They smirked.

"No way! I'm good. Nothing new. I'm perfectly fine the way I am!"

They slipped behind me and rubbed their hands all over my chest and down to my stomach, planting kisses wherever they wanted to on my neck. "Pleaseeeeee," they whined. "I just wanna have some fun. I have so much planned for us."

"Then why do I have to be tied up?!"

"Because you wouldn't be a good boy if you weren't. You're not very patient when I tease you."

"Well maybe you shouldn't tease me then." I grunted.

"Just play along and I promise you'll love every minute of it." They landed a particularly sharp nip to my neck, making me flinch away. I still didn't want to be tied up but I knew they wouldn't stop whining if I did.

"Fine! But what's that thingy I say to make you stop if I don't want it anymore?"

They giggled and pulled my hands behind the back of the chair, beginning to tie them. "A safe word. And you can say guitar for me to stop."

Guitar? That sounded so stupid. But whatever. I would just play along for now. I tried to get out of the ties but they held firm. I swallowed hard and instantly started to panic. I looked up at Eri as they stepped in front of me. "W-wait Eri, I don't- Gui-"

I watched as they pulled their sweats off and suddenly I couldn't remember what I was even worried about. I feasted my eyes on a deep blue lingerie set, complete with a garter belt and see through thigh highs. My mouth went completely dry as the blood in my brain rushed south.

"Do you like it? I got it in blue since it's your favorite color and it was on clearance." They said, happy at their financial victory. "You're not saying anything…"

"U-uh…" How could I when they looked like that? Incredible, tantalizing, and unbelievably sexy. I tried to lurch myself forward to feel every inch of their warm skin but snapped back into the chair as my tied hands kept me immobile. So that's why they did it...sneaky little shit.

Eri set their hands on top of my thighs and leaned forward. "Johnny, do you like it or not?"

"U-um...y-yes. Yeah. Good." I managed to say in my lust filled haze. They straddled my hips and  sunk down onto my lap.

"I'm glad. Do you want to touch my thighs?"

"Absolutely. Please, Eri." I had no shame in begging for that. I wanted their thighs, hips, and ass in my hands and against my lips.

"Nope. Nooootttt yet. You have to prove you'll be good boy " I tossed my head back with a frustrated groan. Why couldn't they just let me touch them?!

"What the fuck do you mean I have to prove I'm good?! You want me to call you mommy or something?!"

They lowered their gaze and gave me a predatory smirk. "That could work."

My eyes widened and I tried to release my hands again. "Eri I'm serious!

"So am I." They pressed their lips against mine, wrapping their arms around my neck, making our chests flush together. Why the hell were they such a good kisser? I was whipped for them and hated every bit of it.

"Hmm, let me-" I tried to say in between moments of our tongues clashing. "Go-"

"Tsk tsk tsk Johnny," They wrapped their tiny hand around my neck and pressed gently against my Adam's apple. "We really have to work on your impatience." They started grinding their hips against my lap creating that friction that drove me wild. I swallowed hard, feeling the pressure of their hand still against me, and squeezed my eyes shut. I had to think of a plan to get free but the mesh rubbing against the roughness of my jeans was terribly distracting. I bucked my hips upwards, wanting to gain more traction and feel their wetness through the fabric but they forced their weight down onto my thighs so I couldn't use them as leverage. "You're such a cute little prince when your frustrated."

"I'm not a goddamn prince." I tried to say steadily but their thumb pressed harder into my throat. I was already starting to feel my cock stir and hated being trapped in my pants.

"Oh yes you are." Eri laid a tender kiss on my lips. "Just like I'm your princess, you're my prince. And I could be your mommy just as well as you can be my daddy."

"Cut it out." I growled. "It's weird." I ground my teeth together as they forced their weight down again and rubbed against me. Jesus, this was driving me crazy.

"It's the same principle, Johnathan. Don't be so sexist." They chuckled and finally removed themselves off me. "You'll learn soon enough." They disappeared behind me and I was still uneasy about what the hell they were going to do. Whips and chains were definitely out of the question.

"Eri! What are you doing?!" I tried to wiggle the chair around to see what they were up to but they returned shortly after. They were silent this time as they sunk down to their knees between my legs and unzipped my pants. They pulled them down and I lifted my hips up to help them, grateful that I was going to get more attention. They pulled off my sneakers and the rest of my pants and boxers, letting me free.

"Don't make a sound ok?" My eyes were glued to their lips as they set my cock in their mouth, slowly sucking on the head and rubbing their thumb against the underside. I sighed contently and relaxed against the chair. The rope didn't bother me so much now as I was much more intrigued by the tingling pleasure. They looked up at me, brown eyes full of mock innocence and wanting of praise. They looked so damn cute with their mouth full.

"Keep going...it's so good." I exhaled in a choppy breath. I was getting harder by the second and wanted them to take more of me in but I knew I hurt them pretty bad last time I used so much force. But nothing was better than having that warm wet heat of a tongue and tightness of a throat wrapped around me. My stomach was tightening a little as all the attention to the head of my cock was starting to make me too sensitive. "B-babe um, b-back off for a- hhoooollly fuck!!"

I felt it then, my cock completely disappearing down their throat in one fell suck. What the hell? They had never done that before! They popped off me and smiled. "Didn't I tell you to be quiet?"

"How can I be quiet when you just did...that!!" I yelled. "How? What? When?" I was so confused but turned on beyond belief.

They giggled and set their head on my thigh as a single finger danced around my slit. "I forgot numbing spray was a thing."

"Numb what??"

"Numbing spray. You spray it and it numbs your throat and helps your gag reflex so I can take down more of you."

"God bless America. Fucking do it again Eri."

"Ask Mommy nicely."

"Ugh! Fine!" I grit my teeth and glared at them. "Do it again...please." They looked at me, waiting. "Mommy."

That seemed to satisfy them enough and the next moment I was plunging my cock down their throat. It took my breath away and I tried to be absolutely quiet for fear of them stopping. I wanted to keep their head in place, wanted to fuck their face senseless, but these goddamn ties were stopping me. I hated them and wanted them off now. 

My toes gripped against the legs of the chair and I sunk my hips a little lower, trying to angle myself to get a few thrusts in. "Baby," I cooed. Wait, fuck, they would probably want me to say that stupid word. I sighed internally and cleared my throat. "Mommy?"

Their eyes shot up to meet mine again and their sucking stopped. "Hm?" They hummed around me.

"Could you please untie me? Please? I need to touch you."

"No, you want to face fuck me." They said as they released themself from me again. Goddammit. "You're not allowed to." They kissed my tip and licked down my shaft. "But I promise if you behave you can be daddy a bit later."

That peaked my interest. "Really?"

They nodded as they kissed my balls before taking one into their mouth and their hand became busy with giving me firm strokes. I let all of the tension in my body ease once I knew I would be in control soon enough. If I had done that before I would've took notice to how eager Eri was to suck me. Usually it was a little fast and decently pleasurable but I could always tell they weren't 100% into it. It wasn't their favorite thing in the world but they did it because I liked it. But now everything was heightened and steering me closer towards an orgasm. Fuck, I didn't want to cum this soon. Though I didn't want to I had to stop them. "H-hey, not yet, ok?"

They pulled away from me and wiped the corner of their mouth. "Fair enough." They rose to their feet and took a step back before dropping their panties to the floor. I licked my lips and watched intensely as they crawled into the bed face down and ass up. They opened their knees and dipped their stomach towards the bed before sliding their fingers through their folds. They were really going to touch themselves in front of me. I growled in frustration. I was gonna spank them so hard when I got out of these ties!

"Eri!" I snapped. "You need to let me…" My voice trailed off as they dipped two fingers into their fuckable little hole, scissoring themselves open and showing me exactly where I wanted to dive into. "Let me go!"

They sighed and turned back towards me. "What part of stay quiet don't you understand?" They grabbed their panties from the floor and balled them up before grabbing my chin. I turned my head away but they managed to get my mouth open and stuffed them in. I had had it with their fucking antics but the fire in their eyes matched mine. I couldn't believe they had been hiding this side from me for so long. They were supposed to be my submissive princess and instead they were a hellfire succubus damning me to a hell of irritation, greed, and lust. I growled and tried wrapping my legs around their thighs to pull them closer but they landed a harsh slap to my leg. I was taken aback and raised an eyebrow at them. They turned away from me without another word and went over to their desk drawer, pulling out what looked like a vibrator.

They sat on the edge of the bed this time, propping their feet up and leaning onto their elbows slightly. I heard the strong whir of the vibrations and stared as they dragged it up and down their lips, occasionally dipping it into their entrance. Soft sweet little whimpers rang in my ears as their hands moved the vibrator at a slow pace. Eri started moaning my name, just a bit exaggerated to entice me further. They were driving me insane and if i didn’t touch them soon I was going to explode. My cock was already throbbing intensely almost to the point of pain. My breaths were getting heavier as Eri’s thrusting of the toy increased speed. They were squirming and rocking their hips as their hands caressed their thighs. I watched as their fingers teased the lace band of their thigh highs and traveled to rub across their inner thigh. Their fingers kept going until they covered their clit and added passionate circles to the sensitive area. 

I scooted the chair closer to the bed, leaning as far as I could to hover over them. They had a sly smirk on their lips as they turned off the vibrator and popped it into their mouth to lick it clean. “You’re irritated aren’t you?” They said cockily. I nodded slowly and they sat up to kiss my mouth that was forced to stay shut. “I would say that i’m sorry but it’s fun pushing your buttons, especially because you’ve been so into punishing mine lately. I wanted to have a little fun of my own this time.”

I stood quiet trying to make it inconspicuous that I was working my tongue against the panties in order to spit them out. They looked down at my cock and licked their lips. “I guess I could think about letting you go. Or I could have some more fun by myself.”

I finally got the panties against my teeth and spit them out. “I’m not fucking playing anymore. Let. Me. Go.” I growled.

Eri looked down at the discarded thong and sighed. Their foot hit the edge of the chair, pushing it back on its wheels and taking me with it. The whir of the vibrator started up again and I was forced to continue to watch how good a some stupid plastic toy was making them feel. They were thrusting it in faster this time, trying to increase their amount of pleasure and my pain. Their hand caressed their torso, stopping just a bit to cup their breast and tweak their nipple. Their lips parted into a soft sigh that morphed into a mewl as their back arched from the bed. With every pull of the vibrator i could see Eri's body shudder weakly, the toy glistening with a thin coating of their cum. They slipped it out and pressed the tip against their clit which almost made their thighs snap shut.

"J-Johnny…" They whispered. Their hand was tangled in their hair now, trying to steady themselves from giving in too soon.

They made no attempt to move and free me and instead kept plunging the vibrator deeper to perfect the way the curve of the toy hit them. I bounced my leg impatiently, deciding that maybe I could do a little reverse psychology. If I ignored them and didn't say anything perhaps they would get frustrated and more likely to let me go. It was hard but I silenced myself and averted my gaze from the show they were putting on. It didn't take long for them to catch on as they were tempting me with calling my name out louder. I swiveled the chair around, blocking my view entirely and giving them my middle finger in exchange for their torture. 

The bed creaked then and I felt their hand on my neck, tilting my head back. "You're ignoring me on purpose."

"I have no idea what you're talking about." I said, smugly.

They pressed the vibrator to my lips and worked it into my mouth so I could suck off their taste. It made me crave them even more but I continued my facade. "You do. You're playing games with me and I hate that." They grabbed a fistful of my hair and yanked my head back. I bit down on my bottom lip and swallowed back the deep lustful groan that built up in my throat. Just stay focused Johnny. Stay focused.

Suddenly their bra was in my lap which meant they were only in the garter belt and thigh highs. Fucking hell. Thankfully, I finally felt the sweet release from the ropes. I stood up quickly and tossed off my shirt before rubbing my wrists. Eri backed up onto the bed and laid back with a teasing look on their face. They were waiting for my next move, wanting me to pounce on them. I decided to take my time, continuing to give them a taste of their own medicine. I casually grabbed a condom from their usual spot on their dresser and rolled it on, yawning in the process. 

Eri scoffed. "Don't give me that shit, boy. Get over here now."

"Maybe I don't want to." I said flatly.

"Yeah, tell that to your dick thats swollen and literally dripping cum everywhere, slut."

That I definitely couldn't hide but I shrugged and sauntered over to them. "I can take it. After all you've made me wait all this time. Can't you be patient now?"

They yanked me onto the bed and forced me onto my back before straddling my waist. "No. What I say goes. Fuck me."

"You're wrong princess. What I say goes."

"Princess is gone tonight. Deal with it, prince." They grabbed onto my wrists and pinned them down which made me jerk uncomfortably and feel panicked. "S-sorry…" They whispered softly, breaking character for just a moment to instead hold my hands. I relaxed back and exhaled deeply, closing my eyes and trying to focus on our tense banter instead of my past. They gave me a soft kiss. "You ok?"

I nodded and pressed my forehead to theirs, giving their fingers a squeeze. "Keep going."

"Rough?"

"Rough." I agreed.

"You can tell me when to stop still. Was the rope too much?"

"A little. It made me jumpy but I can't say I wasn't distracted." I chuckled and nuzzled their face. "Cmon, mommy. Show daddy what cha got." It was completely cheesy and made us both laugh but it dissipated as soon as I felt them sink down on me. I arched up instantly, sucking in a breath as their tightness overcame me. "Fuck, Eri. I need you."

"I know you do. You always will. You're addicted to me." They bounced their hips fast, wasting no time in denying our satisfaction any longer. They were right about being addicted to them but it wasn't a habit I wanted to break. They were the only person ive ever really loved romantically and I still couldn't even tell them that. I was frustrated and disappointed at myself but what else could I do until I got the balls enough to confess?

I forwent my inner turmoil and looked up at Eri who was grinding harder into me. Their lips were pouted in a silent moan that turned into a tiny squeak once I was able to wrap my lips around their nipple. I sucked deeply, hungry, and yearning for them to cum. Their hold on my hands was weakening a bit and I used my strength to roll them over onto their back. My lips never detached from them but I gained tons of leverage to plow into them hard and hip breakingly fast. Their legs squeezed around my waist and I clamped my hands around their thighs. The feeling of the thin mesh sent chills down my spine as did the lace when my fingers ran over it. I had no idea why but I want to cum all over the stockings and soak them with thick heavy ropes.

I blushed a bit, embarrassed at my own sudden desire. That seemed way too weird...but would they let me do it? I swallowed nervously and looked down at them. "Im gonna cum the way I want, got it?" I said, putting on my stern voice.

"What makes you think I'm gonna let you cum at all?"

I sat back, stilling my thrusts for a moment. "You really think you have that power over me?"

"I know I do." They took the opportunity to capture my vulnerability and sat on my lap , wrapping their arms around me tight. "Keep going. Break me."

Christ, break them? They were going to break me. The fast pace of our shifting positions and newfound desires was leaving me in a whirlwind haze of deadly sins. I gripped onto their hips and slammed them down onto me. Heavy breaths were exchanged between us as we tried to entertain ourselves with harsh kisses, licks, and bites. It was a sloppy mess that made me dig my nails into their ass and growl deeply. "Do that again," they whispered in my ear. "Growl for me."

How did I make it not sound forced and stupid? I rarely noticed when I did it as it was all unintentional. While I was fussing with my thoughts, Eri clamped down around me tight and drew out the sound they wanted easily enough. They let out a whimper and squeezed me tighter to their chest. They sunk their teeth into my shoulder as their small body caved in and I could feel them dripping down my shaft. I kept my arm around their waist as they dug their fingers into my hair squeezing tightly but not pulling. "You ok, babe?"

They nodded quickly and finally released my shoulder from pain. "S-so good." I turned their head up towards mine and captured them in a slower kiss, letting out tongues work over one another gently. With a few small pecks they parted from me for a moment. "How do you want to cum? Don't say inside me because that's not happening again."

I shook my head. "Just...don't laugh, ok?"

They raised an eyebrow in confusion as I set them back down on the bed. I rolled off the condom and tossed it on the floor, not really giving a damn about it in this moment. I lifted their legs a bit, pressing their thighs together with just enough space for my cock to flow through them. The softness of their thighs coupled with the fabric was enough to make me go crazy. I thrusted faster, even feeling the lace caress my shaft. I clutched at their calves tightly as I felt that oh so familiar bliss creep within, this time heightened more than I could ever imagine. I squeezed my eyes shut tighter, my breath weakening, and when I felt that heated tension I set their legs down and splattered my cum across the fabric.

I braced myself by placing my arms beside them and tried to catch my breath. They hadn't said a word or even made a sound since I became obsessed with getting off that way. I was almost afraid to look at them but when I opened my eyes I saw that their face was completely flushed. "I-i-i'm um...I'm sorry that was weird, I know." I said, ashamed.

"No. No. I'm...it wasn't weird. I just...I've never done that before."

"Yeah I...uh…" I pushed my hair back and flopped down on the bed beside them, preferring to just shrink away. "Sorry." I apologized again.

"Johnny…" they suddenly giggled. "I think you just leveled up your thigh high kink."

Now it was my turn to blush even more. "S-shut up! I have not!"

"Mhm, this mess says otherwise. Will you take them off for me? You can touch me as long as you want."

That offer seemed amazing but I was dead tired and I knew if I even so much as started to touch their thighs I would be rushing to cum again. Nonetheless, I did at least remove their soiled stockings and garter belt and tossed it beside the rest of our clothes on the floor. I managed to reach for my jeans and pulled out my crushed pack of cigs and lighter. Finally relaxing, I lit one up and rested beside them, realizing that maybe this new year was made for new kinks.

--

Eri's pov

We laid together for awhile, suffering through trying to catch our breath in the coldness of my room and sharing a cigarette or two as an end note to our ridiculous fucking. I was drifting into sleep thanks to the usual comforting smells of his musk and barely lingering cologne when Johnny decided to open his mouth and talk. I sighed a bit and looked up at him with my sleepy eyes, hoping he'd take the hint. "So like...me and Jae's birthdays are in a month and we're gonna have like this party so obvi you're invited but I wanted to let you know."

"Your birthday?" Fuck i still actually didnt know his birthday was. Why were we like this? "When is it?"

"Mine is on the 9th and Jae's is on the 14th. So we're doing it on the weekend. We always celebrate together."

"An aquarius…" I scoffed. "God that explains so much." I flopped onto my back and went off thinking about our actual astrological compatibility while he continued to talk about the party.

"Eri! Are you listening?!"

I snapped out of my thoughts and looked at him. "Yes! The party I got it!"

"Yeah, I know that. I asked you when your birthday is."

"Oh...um, it's October 29."

He sat up a bit and looked at me. "As in, it passed and you didn't tell me?"

"I don't really celebrate my birthday. Id much rather celebrate Halloween. Besides...October was a weird month for us…"

"Still you could've said something...how is it that we still don't know the most basic info about each other?"

I shrugged. "We thrive on shared trauma which, ya know, isn't really that great but here we are.".

"I mean we had that talk in the hotel room but I guess even that was a bit heavy with you telling me about your gay stuff…"

"The gay stuff™️." I giggled. "But yeah, I guess so. If you ask me though, knowing each other on a deeper level is better than us knowing our fave colors and birthdays."

"I can see that to some extent. I would still like to know that superficial stuff about you."

I sat up a bit, letting my hair drift over my shoulder and onto his chest. "Ok, Johnathan. I know that you're from Chicago, you're a Mama's boy, your fave color is blue, you like photography and live off of iced americanos from Starbucks. You can sing and play the piano and you're in photojournalism. And now I know you're an aquarius. So if there's any more superficial stuff you'd like me to know then have at it."

"Gee, thanks. Now you just sound like an asshole." He rolled his eyes and tried to shift away from me but I managed to wriggle my weight onto him.

"I'm serious. Go ahead and tell me. Or you can ask me a bunch of shit. 20 questions, you softie."

He sighed and set his hands behind his head. "Alright question one, what made you such a pain in my ass?"

"That's not a 'superficial' lovey question, Johnathan." I teased. "And i'm not a pain in the ass, you just like me. Admit it. I'm the majestic goddess of your dreams!" 

"Oh definitely. Nothing less than a majestic goddess." He smiled as I leaned in for a kiss. "Question two, how old even are you?"

"I just turned 21."

He sat up quickly, almost knocking our heads together. "Whoa, wait, really?? You're younger than Jae! He's turning 22!"

"Well how old are you gonna be?!"

"24!"

"Oh my god, you act like it's such a big deal. Don't scare me like that. Almost everyone I fuck is older than me, except Lucas. Who cares?" I pressed him back down onto the bed and resumed my position of comfort on top of him.

"I mean like...I normally go for older chicks so it's just a bit weird…"

"Well, what they say about older people being wiser isn't always true. Especially since my young self made you have two orgasms in a row, deep throated you, made you realize that eating pussy isn't so bad, and taught you that being a daddy never felt so good."

"You're so annoying, I swear." He scoffed.

"You only say I'm annoying when I'm right, which is like all the time, so next question please."

"What's your last name?"

"Hah, funny. I have like 4, all of which you probably cant pronounce so we'll skip all those. What's your last name?"

"Suh."

"Suh?" I questioned. "Like suh' bro?"

"Like Johnny Suh." He booped my nose.

"Eri Suh wouldn't sound too bad…better than what I have now." It came out faster than I wanted to and I thought he was going to freak out but instead he pulled me to his chest and kissed my forehead.

"Yeah...maybe."

I wasn't really sure how to react to his gentleness. It felt strange but oh so comforting. Marriage wasn't my gig at all but...the name did sound cute. I pulled the covers up to my chin and settled against his warmth. "A-anyway, I'll go to your party."

"Don't sound so enthusiastic, damn." He joked.

At least he wasn't hung up on my embarrassing revelation of how our names sounded together. "But don't worry, Suh. Mommy will remember to give you 24 spankings like you deserve."

"Eri, dont you dare! You're not gonna be spanking me anytime soon!"

"You'd be surprised! Maybe you'd like being a sub!"

"Maybe I should use the panty to gag you next, hmm? I don't wanna hear your big mouth. I'm tired!"

"Oh you ass!" I giggled and playfully hit his shoulder, barely inflicting pain. He tried to slap my hands away and curl up on his side, laughing with me. When I had enough I grabbed onto him like a koala, finally becoming the big spoon I always wanted to be.

He didn't move away from me. In fact, he held onto my hand that was around his waist and sighed softly. His shoulders released their tension and I could tell that he was actually falling asleep. A giddy smile was on my lips as I nuzzled his spine happy to be the one providing him with protection for once.

--

It was hard getting closer to him without actually being a couple. We had become so close it was almost impossible to separate us. There was always a little voice in the back of my mind that screamed 'just tell him! What's the worse that could happen?!'. Heartache. Heartache was what could happen. Love is not easy. It was one of the hardest things I had to face since I broke up with Jungwoo. That was another reason I stopped myself. It was like a gut reaction that sent me into a panic when I thought about someone being in love with me.

I regret what happened. We were a cute couple. I was full of naivety and thinking my world was so sweet when I was around him, which it was. He was polite, kind, a true gentleman, and always put me first. He was literally a perfect boyfriend. He was also the first boyfriend I ever had. That threw my sexuality for a dizzying loop since I had been with my ex girlfriend for most of high school until the beginning of college. I realized that men weren't so bad (pfft, yeah right), especially my Jungwoo.

It was almost 9 months that we were together, inseparable and presenting as the white picket fence pristine couple. Waiting also came with Jungwoo as he was extremely shy when it regarded romance. We had barely kissed within those nine months but held hands like it was our job. It makes me laugh now how reserved I was back then. I was almost virginal (well technically a virgin with a real dick. Definitely not a virgin with a girl (or a fake dick)) and Jungwoo for sure was a virgin which seemed to make that moment more special when the time came. Our kisses were clumsy and awkward, our hands unsure of where to explore, and our bodies fumbled until we were connected. We nervously laughed and stared at each other and I had no idea what to make him do. We could only think of to thrust but still weren’t really sure how to make it pleasurable. I didn't know what I wanted from sex with a man and I laid there thinking most of the time instead of trying to enjoy it all. And then it happened.

Like a doomsday bomb the three little words were mumbled from his lips and I froze. See, the layers of trauma were just beginning to pile on. My girlfriend had told me she never even loved me after out five year (childlike) relationship, and now that Jungwoo had said that I feared that he was lying. He was just going to stab my heart again and laugh at my misery. No matter how nice he presented to be. That was what she did after all; was nice and then turned her back on me and destroyed what I thought was real and most important. And so I ran. I physically ran. I pushed him away, tossed on my clothes, and sped from his dorm room as fast as possible. He was confused and I didn't talk to him after. No explanation or anything. I ignored his texts, ignored when he came to my dorm, avoided him at all costs. The kicker was that he did actually love me and now I was the person that caused pain and suffering.

Thus my caution with Johnny and being terrified to say anything. I wanted to, god I really really wanted to, but the trauma and fears and of course him outright saying we wouldn't be together we're speed bumps in my recovery to love like a normal person. I still thought about confessing for the hell of it and throw myself down the rabbit hole of self hatred but I was still too scared. This was also the first time love had hit me so hard. With Jungwoo I wasn't really sure of my feelings but with Johnny it was almost like I knew right away. I had never fallen in love that fast with someone ever. He made my heart race, my body ascend of planes of absolute bliss I could never imagine myself being on. He made me laugh, feel safe, listened to me, and was there through my personal disasters and didn't budge. He didn't care about what had happened to me. It was almost as if he found it normal since we had similar stories. I wanted him so bad. I needed him. 

I sighed as my tornado of thoughts about love hit me all at once in the parking lot of Johnny's apartment complex. It was the night of his party and I wasn't going to ruin it by being a crying mess as soon as he rejected me after my confession. I stepped out of the car and slammed the door shut, squaring my shoulders and taking a deep breath to put on my brave face and stuff my feelings away. I mean how could I be Eri if I actually talked about my feelings.

I shuffled my feet against the ice, trying not to fall as I made my way to the door of the building. I fucking hated winter. I was an island baby, what the hell was I supposed to do with a giant pile of frozen hatred? I made it safely and went to Johnny's apartment. The door was open and I let myself in, looking around at the people already dancing and mingling. I tried to find him but couldn't really see him anywhere, which was weird since the apartment wasn't that big. I went to his room, pushing past a few people to look for him there. The room was empty though and I simply unzipped my coat and tossed it on his mattress.

"Hey."

I turned and expected to see my birthday boy but it was Lucas. My heart immediately felt like it was a piece of paper that got crunched into a ball to throw in the trash can. "Hey…"

"Can we...talk? Please?"

"About what?"

"What happened between us."

"Lucas, I came here to have a good time not be bombarded with sadness."

"I know but you're ignoring me every other way so I need to do this. Please."

Great. Exactly what I needed. "Go on."

He stepped into the room and closed the door behind him. We both sat down on the bed and I waited for him to start. "Eri, I am so sorry for what I made you feel. Like incredibly, totally, irreparably, sorry for what I did. I didn't think it was a big deal but I was being selfish and only thinking about my fun. It never even crossed my mind that it would hurt you so much, which of course was a problem. Then you stopped talking to me and I realized I could actually lose you. I don't want to lose you. That's the very last thing I want Eri. You mean so much to me and Quinn definitely beat it into my brain that I was an asshole. I just hope you can forgive me. Maybe not today but somewhere down the road. I miss hanging out with you. I miss laughing with you and cuddling you and all that stuff. I know you're in love with Johnny so we can't be friends with benefits anymore but I don't care about that. I want you. The three of us, back together again. Me, you, and Quinn."

He took a deep breath and rubbed his palms against his jeans, seemingly to wipe the sweat off. I didn't know what to say. I set my elbows on my knees and leaned forward to cup my face in my hands. I wanted to scream. Of fucking course this would be the first thing that hits me. I did love my Lucas puppy. I love him too much. I hated not talking to him or tagging him in stupid memes. I would go to the ends of the Earth for him. I could hear the remorse in his voice and see the pained look in his eyes and it made me want to scream. He did the least amount of damage compared to Yuta and Ten, and he was the only one who apologized. It was a lot to think about but I caved in.

"I forgive you Lucas." His eyes lit up in that excited puppy way which made me crack a small smile. "It's hard but I do forgive you. I miss you."

"Fuck! Eri!" He tackled me back onto the bed and gave me a strong hug, crushing me in his long arms.

"Lucas! Argh- Jesus! Are you gonna let me breathe?!"

"Oh sorry!" He pulled away from me and I sat back up again. "I'm just so happy to be with you again. I love you."

"I love you too " It was so nice and easy to say that to him, why couldn't it be the same with Johnny. Lucas laid his head on my shoulder and I pet his hair back. It may be weird to try and go back to being normal but I felt confident enough that we could make it work. It was years of investment into our relationship and admittedly tons of nights of passion and intense love that would go down in the history of my little black book. It was hard to let him go and I couldn't do that just yet.

"Can we hang out soon?" He asked.

"Yeah, maybe. I have a lot on my mind right now…"

"With Johnny?"

I sighed. "Yeah. I don't know what to do anymore. I love him but I don't know if I can tell him yet."

"You have to Eri. It just seems like it's killing you."

"It is but what if it hurts? What if it backfires? What if I just become an irreparable mess?"

"If he fucks you up I'll beat his ass. Quinn will beat his ass. You don't have to worry about that."

"Violence is not going to solve my heartache, Lucas. It's not going to make me feel better if he rejects me."

"Look," Lucas sat up and held onto my shoulders. "You're a risk taker. You're always doing new and cool shit. Johnny would be stupid to pass up the chance to be with you. Besides I know someone who would jump on the opportunity to be with you."

"God Lucas don't tell me it's you. Please, I don't need that "

"I mean yes but also no." He laughed. "It's not me exactly but you just let me know what Johnny says, ok? I make sure you won't go through that alone." He kissed my forehead and gave me a death grip hug. "Text me, whenever you do it. I'll have my bat ready just in case."

"When did you become such an adult? What happened to my goofy baby boy?" I half joked. He had grown up a lot in the past year and I was proud of him, especially for making the decision to talk it out with me.

He shrugged. "I can't stay a kid forever. I like having fun but I know when things are important and need to be fixed. I know when I'm wrong." He kissed me gently and pressed his forehead to mine. "One last one before you're with him forever." I shouldn't have. It felt like I was betraying Johnny but then again we weren't together. I cupped Lucas' face in my hands and kissed him slowly, feeling that familiar comfort we had in being with one another. I sighed softly into his mouth before falling into his chest. He kissed the top of my head then patted my shoulder. "Let's get back out there. We can at least celebrate his birthday which by the way you owe me for mine!"

"I know, I missed yours. I will make it up to you when we hang out. I'll cook for you."

He gave me a great big smile. He loved food and that was the key to his heart. "Hell yeah! You're a great cook! I'll hold you to it."

We both got up from the bed and made our way towards the door. When he exited the room he gave me one last kiss on the cheek before we parted. I exhaled deeply, trying to pretend I was okay but all of that hit me in the first part of the night and it was a mess. I attracted messes. Messy messes that just came with suffering. But now it was time to look for Johnny and hopefully he could make me feel a little better. I maneuvered through people as I searched but instead caught sight of Yuta. My heart stopped when he looked at me and just across from his was Taeyong. Why were they here? Johnny couldn't have possibly invited them. I was falling into panic mode already and wanted to run.

I felt strong arms wrap around me and a kiss on my cheek. “There you are! I was looking for you. When did you get here?” I turned and held onto Johnny happily. I was glad to be in his arms again.

"I got here not too long ago but Im gonna go. I don't think I can be here." I said with a shaky voice.

Johnny looked me, concerned. "Why? What's going on?"

"I saw Yuta and Taeyong and I just talked to Lucas and it's just a lot right now."

"I can kick them out if you want. Im not even sure how they got here. Must've tagged along with someone else."

"No, no. It's fine. I don't want to cause drama at another party. It's your birthday. I want you to have fun."

"Yeah, but I wanna have fun with you. If you don't wanna stay we can go somewhere else." He said as he set his arms around me.

"This is your party, Johnny. You should stay."

"Fuck it. Come on. We'll just do our own thing. I don't care as long as I'm with you." He took my hand before I could even protest and headed towards the front door. I managed to snag my coat at the last second and got dragged along until we arrived at his car. I had no idea where he was taking me but I trusted him enough to let him lead the way. Our pinkies remained linked as he drove one handed and slowly my anxiety evaporated into the winter air. Eventually we came across an abandoned building where Johnny parked.

"Oh great, you're gonna kill me. You know, I was supposed to be the serial killer in this relationship." I said as I stared at the dilapidated structure.

"Shut up." He joked and sucked his teeth. "I think this place is really cool and I thought you would like it because its all spooky and shit."

"Well you got me there. It does look cool." He got out the car and I pulled my coat tighter, finding my beanie and gloves in the pocket. I put those on too and got out, hearing the untouched snow crunch beneath my boots. The quietness of the night was magical and a breath of fresh air. Small snowflakes fluttered down from the sky and it made me feel like a kid again. I stuck my tongue out and tried to catch the flakes, spinning around and holding out my arms. I normally didn't like winter but there were times where snow was so scenic and pristine that it made me utterly happy.

In the midst of the quietness I heard clicking and turned around to see Johnny's professional camera in his hands. "What are you doing?" I asked.

He simply shrugged. "Nothing."

"Where did you get that camera from? Why are you taking pictures of me?"

"I had it in my car after I went through the park a couple days ago. And because I like taking pictures of beautiful things."

My face flushed deeply and my eyes went wide. He...he just called me beautiful. The shutter went off again and I rushed to his side. "Why'd you take it then?!"

He chuckled and squeezed me to his chest. "Your reaction. It was natural and I wanted to capture that." He sniffled against the cold.

I buried my face in his chest and clutched onto him. "You're a big dumb dummy head…" 

"Oh yeah? I hear you like big dumb dummy heads." He bent down to playfully kiss at my neck and cheek, making me giggle.

"Maybe I do. But only certain ones. Certain cheesy dorky ones."

"Im not dorky! Im cool."

"Only dorks say that they're cool." I kissed his frozen nose, making him wrinkle it. "You're freezing. You didn't even bring a jacket. All you have are your sweats."

He pulled his hoodie over his head and shrugged. "I'm alright. Are you warm enough?"

"No, not really. You wanna take cute pictures of me freezing my ass off!" I playfully hit his chest then wrapped my arms around his neck. "Should we head back? Maybe we can go to my apartment and chill there instead?"

"Mhm yeah and you can give me my birthday sex."

I rolled my eyes. "Who said you're getting any birthday sex?"

"Daddy did." He nuzzled my neck, just beneath my jaw and nipped ever so slightly.

I returned my blushing face to his chest to hide my embarrassment. "S-shut up and let's get back."

He laughed and opened the door for me first before heading over to the driver's side. I shut the door and settled into the seat while he tried to turn over the engine, except it kept stalling. "FUCKFUCKFUCK. Not now!" He hit the steering wheel and let out an exasperated sigh.

"What's wrong? Why won't it start?"

"Sometimes when it's too cold my engine freezes up and won't start. Normally I can get some hot water and pour it on but we're shit out of luck now."

"Oh my god. You and your piece of shit car! I do not want to be stuck here in this cold!" I pulled out my phone quickly and checked my battery. I had forgotten to charge the damn thing and it was barely at 10 percent. "Wonderful. What's your phone at?"

Johnny dug into the pocket of his sweatpants and checked it. It was nothing but a black screen. "Welp, that's great. It's dead."

"UGHHH!" I quickly typed out a text to Quinn, hoping that I had enough battery to tell them to come get us. "If Jae jump starts your car will that work?"

"Yeah, it will. Did you get through to them?"

"It sent but hopefully they see it soon and aren't in the middle of giving Jae his birthday sex." I rolled my eyes and sat back in the seat. "My phone might not make it until they reply."

"Let's hope for the fucking best. I have no idea what else to do."

"I guess we fucking suffer." I said bitterly. I crossed my arms over my chest and pulled my hood up to try and burrow myself away. It didn't work as well and I was still shivering. Johnny was too and he kept rubbing his hands together to try and generate warmth.

"You wanna u-uh...get in the back seat and try and like cuddle to warm up?” He said as his teeth chattered.

It was better than nothing. I nodded and worked my way into the backseat the hard way instead of just getting out of the car and jumping back in. I always had to do things the hard way. Johnny joined me (the smart way) and instantly stuck to my side. I opened my coat and tried to get him in. He laid his head on my chest and wrapped his arms around me, shivering every so often. I leaned back against the door giving him more room to lay down on the seat. His hair was still damp from the snowfall and chilled my lips as I kissed the top of his head. His hands roamed south to rub my thighs, sliding over my leggings and beneath the black sweater dress I wore. “You better behave.” I said sternly, knowing that he would get too eager to be between them again.

“It'll help us keep warm. I swear.”

“Uh-huh. You’re just obsessed with them.”

“I’m obsessed with everything about your body. It’s amazing.”

“Shut it. Why are you giving me so many compliments today? You’re making me feel all...like my stomach is doing weird things.”

He looked up at me and nibbled his lip for a moment. “It’s doing weird things to my stomach too.”

“Then stop.” I whined. I didn’t want him to play games with my emotions. Not while I was freezing in his damn car, stuck in the middle of an unknown part of town, ready to die at any second. Okay, that last part was a bit far fetched but it felt like it.

“I don’t think I want to.” His voice was much softer then and he sat up to look me in the eyes. I wanted to avoid him at all cost but something in his eyes held me in place. Everything seemed different for some unknown reason. Nothing was special about being stuck in a car but the air around us started feeling a bit tense; a little sexual, a little nervous, and a little awkward. “Can I kiss you?”

“W-what? I mean yeah, you’re always okay to kiss me.” That was a strange question. The first time we kissed he took it from me without so much as a single word. Now after six months he was asking me as if we had just started seeing each other. I tried to clear my head as I felt his lips against mine. It was still a perfect Johnny kiss even with the strange feeling before it. Bit by bit I relaxed into him, settling onto the seat as he crawled onto me. His cold hands slid up my dress making me gasp as it touched my much warmer skin.

He buried himself in my neck and whispered an apology between kisses. He adjusted me as much as he could to settle between my legs. It was much easier to feel him grind into me in sweatpants than it was in his usual tight jeans and it instantly made my body react. I was a sweet symphony of soft whimpers as he ground his hips into me deeper. I grabbed onto his ass and worked him forward to greedily add more friction between us. Occasionally he would free my skin from his lips to moan when I hit a particularly sweet spot.

"Can I, um, eat y-you out again?" He asked suddenly.

I pulled away from him and gave him a surprised look. He hadn't done it since Christmas and I assumed once was enough even though he said he enjoyed it. I wasn't expecting this out of him. "O-oh...well sure. Make sure to keep my thighs warm though, ok?"

He nodded like an excited puppy and stared at me. I stared back wondering why the hell he was stalling.

"Uh you gonna take off your pants or what?" Johnny asked.

"Oh shit! Sorry. Hold on." Duh, of course that's what he was waiting for. It took me forever to unlace my boots and kick them off given the minimal space we had especially since the driver's seat was pushed all the way back to accommodate his stupid long legs and I was directly behind it. Once my feet were finally free I wriggled out of my leggings, having a moment where I jammed my foot into the back of the seat. Who even thought car sex was a good idea ever?

"You good?" 

I nodded and resumed my spot laying down on the seat with one leg hanging off it. Johnny worked himself between my legs again and thankfully moved his heated tongue through my slit. He caressed his slightly rough hands over my thighs and dug his face deeper into me. "That's good, baby…" I mewled. He seemed to have taken the criticism from last time seriously, putting it into full effect. He was slower this time but keeping a good pace, sucking on my clit before flicking his tongue against it. I grabbed onto his hand that rested on my thigh and folded our fingers together. I gave him a gentle squeeze and edged my hips up slightly.

"That good?"

I nodded and begged him to keep going. He pushed his tongue into me then, circling around my entrance and thrusting against the beginnings of my walls. His thumb brushed against the left side of my hip, rubbing the sensitive erogenous zone. My legs were beginning to quiver and I wanted to grind into his face but was unsure how he'd feel about that just yet. I figured it might overstimulate him and didn't want him to have a panic attack. So I left him at his own pace unsure if I should ask for more. "Can I…" He cleared his throat and didn't look me in the eye. "Can I use my fingers now?"

"Y-yessss." I hissed in a shallow breath. "Put them in my mouth first?"

He nodded and slipped them in while he shoved his sweatpants down a little lower to rest beneath his cock. As I sucked deeply I creept my legs towards my chest to press my thighs together. Johnny took the hint and I was sure he used a bit of my cum and his saliva to wet himself enough to pass through my thighs. I knew it was needed but hated thinking about the process and tried to occupy my mind with the way his fingers just barely tickled the back of my throat. Johnny rocked himself upward this time, brushing against my clit before bursting through the barrier my thighs made. I gasped around his fingers and gripped his wrist tighter, moaning eagerly.

He continued those electrifying thrusts that made my toes curl and calves tense. He was nothing but a string of soft curses, tossing his head back in utter bliss. He moved faster as his desire grew and made my clit throb with all the attention it was getting, making it almost too sensitive. If he kept this up, and I knew he would want to do this for hours, he would cum too fast. I parted from his hand and set my own on his shoulder. "W-wait. You're getting too excited."

He groaned and pouted. "I am not. I'm not gonna bust a nut that quick."

"One, don't ever say that again. Two, just relax for a bit. You always get so worked up."

"I just want you so fucking bad. It's cold, you're hot. Just let me be inside you."

I went to say something but shut my mouth quickly. Well damn. I opened my legs once more and grabbed a hold of his cock to guide him towards me. I was able to see him stretch me apart until he was fully seated inside, both of us sighing in contentment. He lowered himself to rest flush against my body, making sure his warmth covered every inch of me. He pressed our lips together and I wrapped my arms around his back, falling deeply into his passionate kiss.

He began his descent into a perfect rhythm of push and pull, filling me until he couldn't go any further. That stretch that made my stomach ache always brought fluttering wings inside me, even more so when he paired it with sucking my bottom lip between his. His hand set itself over my covered breast and squeezed, rubbing his thumb over my nipple. I still felt the motion and grabbed onto his sweatshirt tighter as I whimpered softly. Suddenly I heard a thud and Johnny stopped moving.

"Ow! Fuck!" He pulled away and held the top of his head as he had hit it on the door, wincing slightly.

I tried to stifle my laugh and pulled him closer so I could kiss the top of his head. "Aww, baby, are you okay?"

"Yeah. Stupid car isn't made for tall people."

"We could switch positions if you want." I offered which he quickly shut down.

"No, I like this one. It's fine." He grabbed onto the door instead, bracing himself to prevent any further incidents. He resumed his thrusting and I hid my giggling smile. I lifted myself onto my elbows to make it easier for him and to try and prevent any more accidents. I hooked my legs over the back of his thighs and from this position I was closer to his face and could plant kisses all over his lips, cheek, and neck, to soothe his damaged klutzy ego. He was avoiding looking at me, though I loved watching the way his body worked against mine.

His eyes remained squeezed shut and I convinced myself it was because of his embarrassment or that he was concentrating on his motions. I reminded myself that I should do the same and not worry so much about what he was thinking or if he was truly hurt. By the way he was slowly penetrating me I figured he was all for us staying connected. That was when I actually took notice of his speed. It was slow; more gentle than usual, almost as if he was trying to make love to me. My heart started racing then. This was way more intimate than I ever thought and not because of the close quarters of the car. What the hell was happening?

"J-johnny?"

"Do y-you like it this w-way?" He stuttered.

"Well...um...yeah it's nice. You can move faster if you want." I tried to break that too close for comfort feeling but he only shook his head and buried his face in the crook of my neck.

"No. This feels too damn good. I can feel everything inside you." He breathed out. My whole body seemed to flush with fever and I had no idea what to do now. My eyes drifted to the frost covered window as if it was a magic mirror that could tell me my true desires. This was even different than the times we had sleepy sex. My head was starting to get hazy with overthinking and I could barely concentrate on how he was making my body feel.

 "Johnny are you ok?" Maybe something was wrong with how he was feeling. After all this was for the sake of warming up in the winter stampede. Going faster would speed up our body's adaptation to comfort.

He wrapped his arms around my waist and ignored my question which made me press my hand to his chest to stop him. "Johnny." I said sternly.

"What?"

"Answer my question."

"Don't ask it. I'm ok."

"Yeah but you just seem a bit strange."

"How am I strange?" He asked. I could tell that there was slight irritation in his voice. "We fuck all the time."

"But this isn't fucking…"

"What do you mean it's not fucking? My dick is inside you. Were fucking."

"No, no…" I said softly. "It's like...you're making love to me…"

"W-what? No! Absolutely not! Im just...it's just…"

"Why are you doing this?"

"I'm not doing anything, Eri. Just focus. Am I making you feel good or not?"

"Yeah…too good."

Our eyes met then though he avoided them quickly. It was futile to try and get through to him. I sighed and started rocking my hips again, diverting both of our attentions to trying to get off. He pressed his hand against the small of my back, edging me as close as possible as he sat back on his knees. "That's good." I sighed into his shoulder. "Keep going."

He groaned deeply before he continued. "Where do you want me to cum?"

"Wait, you're close already?"

"No! I just wanted to know ahead of time." 

"Oh...uh...I guess I could just swallow?"

"You hate doing that."

I pouted a bit. "Yeah well where the hell else you gonna do it?! It'll be a mess if it's anywhere else."

"Ok, cool."

I threw up my hands and huffed. "What the hell is wrong with you?! This is driving me crazy! Just fuck me! Please!" Don't make me think about all the fucking feelings I have for you, you goddamn bastard. Just don't.

"I don't want to fuck right now! Can't I go slower?!"

"Since when do you want to go slower?! The last few times we've fucked it's been hard and fast. What's the change of attitude?"

"Jesus Christ! I just want to- I mean like it doesn't always have to be like that!" He exclaimed.

"Johnny, seriously, what's wrong?!" 

"Nothing!! I just love you, ok?!"

[its-3am-sadness]

getting lost up in the past— this is what I found

Friday February 1st, 2013:

ugh..im sitting in third hour..i wanna cry, but i cant theres to many people..

can anyone really save me? ..no.. noone ever can.. i just wanna be happy, truely always happy.. )': ughhhhhhhhhhhh! i gotta go..

Monday February 4th, 2013:

holy shit that was a longg weekend.. i almost cut saturday.. i got a new razor & everythingg.. Jake told me to go chuck itt in the snow, soo i did, but then on sunday i went & found itt.. soo i have itt in my ipod case like my other one.

I stayed up till 3 saturday nightt watching 'Enchanted' i love that movie now (: and i sent Jake a 7 and a 9 page text.. he was asleep though..but his best friend is a girl & i have nothing at all against that, i don't have a reason to hate her at all, i havent even met her, but i still am so super jealous.. i hate that they hang out and slepover together and i dont know, i trust him.. but look what happend with the last guy, i trusted him with all my heart, i never thought he would cheat on me and he ended up fucking his ex-girlfriend and lying about it.. im so scared.. i dont wanna be here.. i was thinking saturday & yesterday how i wish i was single just so i don't have to be so paranoid..but i love being around Jake that i wouldnt dream of ending it..

Shawntay said i should tell him about how i feel with him & his besty, but i idont wanna be the dumb bitchy girlfriend who is all 'you cant talk to girls-blahh blahh blahhk' shitt, ya know?? So ima just leave it to myself because i don't care..

im really trying not to cut.. Tabby (my ex's girlfriend) told me that it takes 21 days to break a habbit & we both last cut on the 22nd, soooo we'll see how that goes..

on wednesday it'll be me & jake's 4 months.. & next thursday is valenitines (how ever you spell itt) day and i wanna get him something.. hmm..

my tits now have names.. right one is Adam & the left is Ryder (:

I love him, my baby. <3 soo much.. </3

Wednesday February 6th, 2013:

today is 4 months with my baby!! i love him sooo much. dude. <3 he is so amazingg. i just want to push him in the snow and kiss him and be crazy. i am crazy about him.. like super crazy aboutt him. <3 i dont wantt him to be taken awayyy! ):

Hunter said he was going to ask me out last week on friday on the bus.. god he's a douche.. he broke my heart so many countless times and just left.. and my ex. my good lord, he is such a dick. im sick of them both fucking with my head and heart. ive moved on and it Shawntay's words 'have a new life with a better guy'.. god i love her. i dont know where i would be right now if it werent for her.. <3 i love you shawny'z forever <3

Friday February 8th, 2013:

well..i almost cut last nightt, i didnt but i was aboutt to.. im not taking my meds, im just throwing them in a bag & ima sell them.. they weren't working anyway soo..

Im seriously so sccared that Jake's going to leave me.. even though he says he's not going to an yada yada yada, but still.. im paranoid.. it's just who i am... i love him with all my heart though.. ya know??

im diguesting..im a whore..a damn slut.. in love with a guy who prolly cant stand me.. im fucking pathetic.. why..why..why would, HOW could anyone like me, or put up with me.. i mean, what the hell..im a little ugly bitch. a fat, pathetic, stupid, idiotic, loud, sluty little damn bitch...fuckkkkkkkk.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuckfuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuckfuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuckfuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuckfuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

Monday February 11th,2013:

well..i hate myself. terribly. fucking. little. cunt. thats what i am. a fucking bitch. a pussy, more like a pair of balls.. pussy's are actually quite strong.. so im a pair of balls. GROSS!.. i like pussy better.. whatever. so anyway.. i hate how much of a bitch i am. im so mean to everyone. im not good enough for shawntay. i dont deserve jake and i feel like i treat both of them like shit.. i dont mean to. they're both my whole world..damn.. i couldnt live with out both of them.. i really couldnt.

Conversation on Saturday Night:

me: how isn't it? if you go then you wont have to worry about me.

Jake: ill worry more

me:no

Jake: yeah i will

Me:no

Jake: why cant i?

me: Because..you just cant. you shouldnt. its not worth it.Never. You should leave before you get hurt.

Jake: this isnt about right now anymore is it?

me: i guess not..

Jake: cause ive told you before im not leaving unless you stop loving me ima be here for you until you dont want me to and ima be with you till you break up with me, i love you and im gonna stay through thick and thin. you wont hurt me. You wont.

Baby i friken love you and i wanna be with you no matter what im yous i dont want anyone else but you and im gonna stay okay?

Me: i hurt everyone. i want to be with you. i am in love with you. but i am so hard and difficult. i push every single person away because i just tear people down. i dont want to do that. You are so amazing and that cant die.

how can i call that mine? that is a way to good for me kindda guy.. ive fallen in love with him. but he is way to good for me.

Tuesday February 12, 2013:

i almost cut last night.. i lost it and i started crying terribly. my mother is such a damn bitch. i cant handle her anymore.. she's having surgary on the 25th of this month.. but shes forcing me to appologise for being 'rude' to my brothers wife.. fuck that.. she told me i didnt appriciate anyone.. you dont tell someone who hates themself, who seriously cant stand to look at herself or hear herself, you DONT TELL THEM THAT THEYRE NOT FUCKING APPRICATIVE! what the hell.. so i have anger issues so i flipped out, not to her, just annonmusly over facebook & shes not even my friend on there so fuck her. seriously. and my mother is sticking up for HER, an not ME. bitch.. i have enough shit i dont need to deal with this, its from over a month ago.. i hate my mother.. she fucking came running downstairs screaming at me for taking something that i really didnt.. i didnt even know what she was talking about.. why... im always to blame. FUCK HER! god... she makes me want to kill myself. she thinks that i look up to her and that she's this perfect little angel and does everything for me.. but all she does is make me feel like shit.. i mean we have our moments that we get along an laugh an are friends. when we're friends we're totally fine, but than she turns in to over protective bitch mode.. i hate itt.. i dont wanna stay after school to get extra help.. and shes fucking making me. i hate it. i hate her. i want to get the fuck away. HELP ME! i need to be saved.

Wednesday February 13th, 2013:

theres not a lot of time to write here today...i only got about 3 minutes.. but damn.. i wanna die.. im not going to stopo myself tonight if i wanna cut. i gotta do it.. its to hard. my parents and my one brother are douches..they fucking dont know when to stop making me feel like shit.. i hate it. goddamn.. i cried so much last night.. i wish i were alone.. it'd be easier not to worry about hurting someone.. i hate myself. im absolutly disguesting. fat, ugly and just so gross.. i hate what ive become.. i cant stop myself. it's who i am now..

my razors fell out of my case this morning, it was scary i thought that someone was going to ask me what they were when i bent to pick them up.. i was so shakey.. i hate myself. ughhh. fuck. i hate everyone, my self the absolute most though.. good bye..

Thursday Febraury 14th, 2013:

well.. i stopped the 21 days last night.. 16.. 2 on my thigh, they're small. and the rest between my two arms. im such a fail..

Jake did the cutest thing ever.. he put a bunch of choclate kisses in my locker & taped it saying 'i <3 u' i keep blushing today.. i just told someone i like they're hat & he said he liked my face, i blush to much, i dont like him even, but it was kindda a compliment, soo.. *sigh* i hope shawntay doesnt get mad at me.. i told her i cut in our notebook, i havent told jake & im nott gunna unless he asks.. i cant tell him.. i HATE THAT THEY CARE!!!!!!!!! ugh... i just hurt eveyrone.. i make everyone want to kill themselves.......... FUCK.

ive been handing outt 'my little pony' valentines today.. only 4 gurls, and like 15 or more guys.. the girls are Shawntay, my friend Kenzie, Tabby & Heather. God.. all of them are so FUCKING gorgeous..ugh.. i seriously wish i could be even half as pretty as them.. Shawntay, everything about her is perfect, i wouldnt change a thing. Perfect long hair, flawless skin, perfect body.. McKenzie, she's in love, happy, so beautiful. Tabby, SO gorgeous, i find her easy to talk to and i think we could be pretty good friends. i love her hair.. i want it terribly. and Heather, her makeup, my lord is it always so damn perfect. no flaws to it, always perfect all the damn day long. She may be a bitch sometimes, but she's also hillarious as fuck. i could see me an her being better friends then we are, but not anything long-best friend. but damn.. i wish i were them..

Friday February 15th, 2013:

last night i broke down terribly and cried for hours.. i could stop. my douche fuck parents.. goddamn.. i wish i could just love them and call it good. but my mom comes down and bitches about facebook.. so now i have to delete it.. god. she controls every damn thing of my life.. she doesnt even know what tumblr is or instagram & she fucking wants me to delete them. HELL TO THE FUCK NO! dumbass. i hate her.. she ruins my life..

Tuesday February 19th, 2013:

okay..well this is reallly really stupid.. but on friday, i realized that with my ex boyfriend, he fucked her while we were together & i had sex with him countless times after.. so now i obviously did something wrong. it showed me how worthless i am & how much i seriously fuck people up..it's all my fault. i loved him wrong. i treated him like shit and look where that's gotten me.. im such a pathetic fucking fail of life. i hate myself.. im used and worthless. im the damn slut of the fucking family for fuck's sake!! my oldest brother just got married & the other just got engaged.. ugh..

ive been starving myself latley too.. it's kinda hard because i love eating, but ive been not eating lunch for about a week & i rarley eat at home soo..