#i DESERVE 4k footage of this COME ON

[five-star-stay]

Han performed an unreleased song with an electric guitar for his solo stage performance at skz's japanese dome tour. The song is called 'Don't Say.'

Cr: qwaszx914

More fancams (because I'm totally normal about this and not at all going to jump off a cliff at not having been there): hiiichuuu, itembread, dxstty, Inlovery, x8_koi

[astoundingbeyondbelief]

Kaiju Weeks in Review (July 16-29, 2023)

Legendary announced a pair of Monsterverse comics during a panel at San Diego Comic Con. They've said nothing further since, and no one posted the panel online, so I have less to tell you than I'd like. Godzilla x Kong: The Hunted is the obligatory prequel comic for the film. From the pages they showed off, it looks like Zid has art duties again (well-deserved) and the monsters that Kong is fighting could be the "swamp kitt[ies]" cut from Godzilla vs. Kong. Release date is February 27. Monsterverse Declassified is going to spotlight some of the series' original monsters, with the previews showing Behemoth, Amhuluk, and Tiamat. (Supposedly Scylla, Doug, and the previously-unseen Abaddon will be in it too.)

Toho is finally letting Togen's 4K scans of some of its Godzilla films out of satellite TV jail as tie-ins to Godzilla Minus One. Godzilla (1954) and Mothra vs. Godzilla are coming to 4K Ultra HD on October 25, with Ghidorah, the Three Headed Monster, Invasion of Astro-Monster, and Destroy All Monsters on November 22 and Godzilla vs. Hedorah and Godzilla vs. Biollante. Expect them to be as English-unfriendly as Toho's other releases - but a vague promise of "unused special effects footage", combined with some very crisp-looking photos in a recent book, means there's a chance the Frontier Missile sequence from Godzilla vs. The Thing will be included with Mothra vs. Godzilla. That'd be a godsend, considering how elusive an uncropped, uncut, high-quality version of the scene has proven to be.

These releases will easily be the best Mothra vs. Godzilla, Ghidorah, Astro-Monster, and Biollante have ever looked on home video. But with Togen shutting down, it's unclear when the rest of the pre-Shin films in the series will get upgrades. (It's also unclear when Toho will permit anyone outside Japan to use these versions for streaming or home video.) So this announcement feels bittersweet to me.

We have a release date for GAMERA -Rebirth- (September 7), a second trailer, and a reveal for the final monster: Viras! As @starestream pointed out, there's a lot of Legion in that design (along with Iris in Zigra). And as Maser Patrol pointed out, this is the same enemy kaiju lineup that Trendmasters chose for its toyline back in 1998. Poor Barugon, no one wants to taste the rainbow (and it probably hurts that he's so visually similar to Jiger too). To be honest, this trailer didn't do much for me; a bit too chaotic. Hopefully it'll be easier to tell what's happening in the show proper.

Bandai, of course, has readied Movie Monster Series figures of Viras, Zigra, and Guiron already. We're also getting a prequel manga set 100,000 years before the show.

Decades after his rampage through the Marvel Universe, Godzilla is barging into the world of DC (where he'll finally meet Batman). Justice League vs. Godzilla vs. Kong is a seven-issue limited series launching October 17, written by Brian Buccellato (who also penned the short "Fight or Flight" comic that will be included in Legends of the Monsterverse: The Omnibus later this year) with art by Christian Duce. The inciting incident is a battle between the Justice League and the Legion of Doom, which tears a hole in reality to let the Monsterverse through.

I'll confess, I was more jazzed for last year's Power Rangers crossover, thanks to the tokusatsu link. This could just be more of Warner Bros. Discovery bashing its toys together. I'm most curious to see if the Legion of Doom makes a bid to conquer the Monsterverse, which with Godzilla and Kong out of the picture is far less prepared for them than the DC universe is for a couple of giant monsters. Superman beats them all, as Ken Yano once said.

Hiya is stepping further out of S.H.Monsterarts' shadow with a figure of the female MUTO, a character long neglected by toymakers. They showed her off at San Diego Comic Con. Playmates meanwhile releases an ad for Titan Tech Rodan - I'm glad they're not giving up on this delightful subline.

Summer Smash concludes IDW's middle-grade Monsters and Protectors storyline, which has spanned the entirety of their second go-round with Godzilla. You can tell it was supposed to be another miniseries; Godzilla, Jet Jaguar, and Mothra send Mecha-King Ghidorah and the Xiliens packing pretty quickly. Art's still great though.

Godzilla Rivals will persist into October with Vs. Mechagodzilla, the magnificent machine being the last of the Toho's Big Five to headline one of these comics. The intriguing logline:

IS YOUR CITY BESIEGED BY KAIJU? DO YOU LIE AWAKE AT NIGHT ANXIOUSLY LISTENING FOR THE MONSTER SIRENS? HAVE YOU HAD ALL YOU CAN TAKE OF GIANT LIZARDS, MOTHS, PTERODACTYLS, AND SHRIMP? THEN CALL TRACER TECH TODAY! OUR STATE-OF-THE-ART ANTI-KAIJU TECHNOLOGY HAS ALLOWED DOZENS OF CITIES AROUND THE WORLD TO FEND OFF THE THREAT OF MONSTER ATTACK. San Palomar, California. It’s a sleepy city with not much going on. That is, until Tracer Tech built their new corporate headquarters there, displacing lifelong citizens and forcing out local businesses. But what is the source of Tracer’s amazing, almost alien technology, and why has it put San Palomar in Godzilla’s sights? And what can a couple of local kids like Alex and Jaz do to protect their city when the King of the Monsters and its robot doppelgänger clash?

SRS Cinema has opened preorders for The Whale God, revealing this cover art by Bob Eggleton. Special features aren't anything spectacular (they're vaguely described, but I think a couple of essays are included, plus the obligatory trailers). Should be out by the end of the year.

The disc replacement program for Cleopatra Entertainment's misbegotten Shin Ultraman releases has resulted in an only marginally better product. The opening montage has subtitles now... but like the rest of the movie, they're just copied from the English dub. Dubtitles in 2023... and for a film that already has a perfectly good official English translation, no less. Oh, and they threw in some new visual glitches too. If your local library picks up a copy, I recommend telling them about the disc replacement program (as I've done), but don't give these clowns your money.

[lifewiththelulus]

All her friend throw there wallets at him and run XD

Lily: It was a total accident! But whatever. Put it on Daddy's card.

Dwayne: Does your father know you've been using his money for this kind of stuff, I don't think he would appreciate it. Make sure nothing like this happens again and we won't have any problems.

Maggie from behind her dads leg: >:P

Lily is definitely the type to give anyone that isn't her father an attitude lol

She's all sunshine and rainbows until her parents leave the room So her Dad would definitely be like "she would never! Lily is a pure angel."

Yes… but would baked woods have security camera footage they could bribe her with?

Unfortunately Birch is not a tech person XD She never had one installed But it's possible someone sitting in and eating might have gotten in on their phone in the background of their own video👀

"I saw you! You pushed it! Look I even got it on my phone!" Clearly shows Lily wait for Kindlin to turn around then pushing the display over

Lily crying: "oh my God why is everyone ATTACKING meee!?"

I know it probably wasn't her, but imagining Sprot videoing her just seems funny to me. XD

Sprout: "I got you in 4k on my DS!" She was probably recording a little kid video and pointed it to say something about her aunt kindlin when she caught lily

and obviously, Dwayne, Sprot, and Maggie all help Kindlin clean up. When Kindlin tries to tell everyone she's fine, Maggie gives her arm a hug and nuzzles her. (Her nuzzling is her way of saying she loves you)

Kindlin feels so guilty about bringing the drama in there, but feels a lot better after they help her

Kindlin has a real soft spot for kids, and Maggie absolutely melts her heart when she does that 😭

Maggie doesn't like to touch people outside her mom and dad, so her doing so is a big sign of trust.

The family Kindlin needs/deserves. What if Kindlin walks into the bakery all disheveled and bruised And when they obviously ask her what happened she's like "Oh I'm great actually, you should see how Lily looks."

Dwayne grabs her shoulders looks her straight in the eyes and asks: "Did you at least use a good one-liner?"Dwayne grabs her shoulders looks her straight in the eyes and asks: "Did you at least use a good one-liner?"

"Of course! I told them to call an ambulance. But not for me >:3"

Dwayne: sheds a tear of pride

Birch walks into the bakery and nearly fainted at the sight of kindlin XD

Grabs pan "What happened!? Are you ok? Who needs to perish!?"

Dwayne: Deep chuckles Apparently you should see the other girl.

Birch just bandages her up and lightly scolds her about words not fists lol

Ohhhhh man Lily's Dad coming in for a snack and he LOVES the salt water taffy pops So he asks them to cater an event Meaning Lily is forced to be nice and on her best behavior

She probably pissed herself when she realized her Dad went to the bakery and that he spoke with Dwayne in person XD

Dwayne and Lily's dad becoming friends XD

Just the thing she needs to back off of kindlin XD

"Lily! Come meet Dwayne, he's helping with the event today."

Sweating bullets "N-nice to meet you 0-0" 'Im screwed'

[teamhappyme]

to care for you

rafael barba x female!reader

referenced cases from S17E04 and S17E16

word count: 4k

a/n: this is my first fic that I’m letting the world see and I’m... terrified. i hope whoever reads this gets some joy out of it. shoutout to @qvid-pro-qvo and @hurricanejjareau , y’all got me roped into loving the SVU boys, and this would not have been created if I hadn’t found your blogs. big inspiration over here. alright, here we go friends.

****

“Well you’re going, right?” 

“I haven’t decided.” “Haven’t decided? It’s Liv and Noah, Barba. A christening for the cutest little boy and the most deserving mother. They’ve been through hell this year, they deserve our support. Besides, you’re a devout Catholic, you should be all in for this.”

“First of all, he’s getting christened in a Unitarian church. Second, I wouldn’t exactly use the term devout. The last time I went to church was with you and Carisi after that trafficking case last year.” He said while grabbing another slice of pizza. In your three years since joining the SVU this was the first time you saw Rafael Barba eat a slice of pizza. 

“Careful. You might get some grease on that thousand dollar suit, Counselor.” He glared at you before taking a bite. “If you’re worried about the priest smelling your absence out, Carisi and I have enough devotion to pass on to you.”

“I don’t want any of Carisi’s Catholic guilt.” “You need me to take your confession?” You asked with a smirk. 

There weren’t many people that could get away with pushing Barba’s buttons without getting chewed out by the ADA in his next breath. And when you first started out with the squad, there were many occasions where you and Barba had some heated arguments.

Getting transferred to SVU was an overwhelming experience. You were thrown into the understaffed department right along with Carisi, so the two of you had to step up pretty quick for the unit. There was no adjustment period, trust wasn’t built, it was forced upon the squad. It took about two months for you to really trust the other detectives, but once you did, the unit got into a groove. Cases were being solved left and right and you started to understand the routine of the SVU. 

Until you had to testify. It was six months in, and it was your first testimony with the unit. It was also the first rape case you worked with minor victims. There were four fifteen year old girls accusing their history teacher of rape, two of which disclosed to you. 

You prepped with Barba for an hour the night before, making sure you knew the case inside and out. You felt confident in your answers, and were ready to take the stand. Until the following morning. On your walk down to the courtroom with him, you rushed into the ladies room to vomit up your coffee and your anxiety. Public speaking was never one of your strong suits, and Barba had cautioned you to be prepared for Buchanon’s toxic cross examination.

As you washed your hands and cleared your face, Rafael stayed outside the door, even deterring a woman from coming in. Once you exited, he was waiting at the side, pulling a granola bar and stick of gum out of his blazer pocket. You took the food, as he gave you a nod and waited for your okay to continue the walk down to the courtroom. A slight nod of your own and weak smile got his feet moving again. 

That trial was the first olive branch extended between you and Rafael. He wasn’t one to offer warm greetings, and since you were often glued to Carisi’s hip, it was hard for him to separate you from the enthusiastic detective. There were passive aggressive comments relayed back and forth while trying to indict a perp, and long nights spent deliberating probable cause at the round table. But it wasn’t until you accompanied Liv to One Hogan Place, in a particularly bad mood when you sassed the ADA back after he made a comment about your witnesses being incredibly unreliable, not having time for the shenanigans. 

After that moment, Rafael knew that he could trust you. The passive aggressive comments yielded, but the sass continued. The repertoire the two of you were slowly building drew quite the audience, Carisi and Rollins almost always feeding the fire with more topics to discuss. 

About a year into your tenure here, you started to check in on Barba. The first time you stopped by was originally a business call. Liv needed a warrant asap, already staking out the apartment of a suspect. You rushed over to the courthouse, trying to find any ADA’s secretary when you saw Barba still in his office at midnight. According to Carmen, he rarely went home before 9:00. After that night, you made it a habit to check in on him at least once a week. The DA’s office was a cutthroat environment, and Barba’s office was an even lonelier place. 

Thursday nights were penciled in for your unofficial drop ins, almost through the week but still burning the midnight oil. You would show up around 10:00 with pizza for you, and sushi for his expensive taste every time, knowing neither one of you had time to eat dinner yet. Most of the time, the two of you would work on your respective cases, sometimes sharing notes if the work overlapped. But if it was a slow week, sometimes the two of you would just, talk. It was nice to be able to talk to someone who understood the demanding nature of the job. Your family in particular couldn’t understand why you loved this career so much, but your squad could. It was reassuring to have their support.

“Alright, enough with the holier than thou attitude, Detective. I actually wanted to talk to you about the case.” Sitting up a little straighter in your chair, you wiped your hands on a napkin as he pulled out a manila folder. “I’ve been encouraged by the D.A. to drop the charges against Bobby D’Amico and Noel Panko.”

“What?” “And I have a motions hearing scheduled for Friday morning to dismiss the charges.”

After everything the squad had done for this case, what you saw Amanda put herself through. It was all for nothing.

“Barba, you can’t be serious. We have three victims, two willing to testify. We have footage of them attempting to rape Rollins for crying out loud.”

“Kristi Cryer has changed her story too many times. She was raped, then it was consensual, it was Panko, it was Panko and D’Amico. A jury will never believe her story.” You crossed your arms over your chest. “The jury won’t believe her or you won’t?”

“Hey, you know this isn’t about what I think. This isn’t a case we can win. We have to look at the optics.”

“The optics,” you muttered as you stood up from your seat. “Multiple women were raped by two well-known men in New York society, and the D.A. doesn’t want to make any enemies, right?” 

“You’re taking this worse than Liv did.” You scoffed. “Am I? Good. Because for the rest of their lives, those girls will have to live with the fact that their rapists are still out there. Not to mention their reputations will be ruined. People are going to call them liars, and whores. Their lives are never going to be the same. All because you won’t stand up to the D.A. and do what’s right?” 

Rafael stood up now, his loosened tie swinging from the sudden movement. “If this goes to trial, it will not go our way.”

“What about when you went after DCFS? You went after Musio, Grayson, Sheridan,”

“That was different,” “Why because it was Liv?”

“Because the department was a mess, and there were months worth of evidence of neglect and backdating reports. You were there, and if I remember correctly you were fighting alongside Liv to get me to prosecute.”

You ran your fingers through your hair, not willing to accept that this case was over. “These girls deserve justice, Barba. You were there when Panko went off at Dodds, he knows he’s done.”

“I want these guys just as bad as you do, Y/n. But we do not have the evidence. It’s a he said she said case, with one other accusation from a year ago without a rape kit. Not to mention Rollins went undercover without notifying a superior, tainting the whole investigation. We will make a fool out of ourselves and lose this case in court.”

“And it’s all about winning for the D.A.’s office, isn’t it. Can’t do anything out of the kindness of your hearts, can you?” You knew you crossed the line as you saw Rafael’s shoulder’s drop the slightest bit, his jaw clenched in place. 

“Maybe if you passed the Bar instead of failing three times you could understand why we can’t pursue this. We can’t bring a case to trial based on our emotions. This isn’t your tissue loaded desks, this is a courthouse.” 

You broke the tense eye contact you were holding after his statement. Insulting your academic failures and empathetic tendencies in one foul swoop. That was a low blow, even for the counselor.

Rafael knew his words pierced you. He pushed his chair back and let out a breath, getting ready to back track. But you beat him to the punch. 

“You know, my capability of empathizing with victims is the reason why you’ve put so many rapists away. If they had to speak to you, there would be no cases for you to even prosecute.”

This wasn’t a normal spout between the two of you. Things rarely got personal, and if they did, they were never this spiteful. 

“Then I guess there’s a reason I’m prosecuting in front of the judge and jury and you’re dealing with the victims.”

You scoffed at his final statement. You knew he was cocky, but you didn’t think he would use your insecurities or shortcomings against you. Especially not the fact that you failed the Bar Exam three times, which was only disclosed to him once Carisi opened his big mouth.

Covering your head with your beanie, you made your way to the door before either one of you could do more damage. You fought the urge to apologize, knowing you would need space before you could think of a response.

“Have a good night, Counselor.”

****

“Oh my goodness, Benjamin! Look at that tower you made with Maura! Did you show Luke?” “No. Mama saw it!” You smiled at the two year old through the phone, his own grin lighting up the room even over facetime. “Benjamin, is mama there? Y/n/n wants to talk to her for a minute.”

“I can bring you to her!” Maura took the phone out of the toddler’s hands, but you quickly protested so you could say goodbye to your godson. “Bye Benny, I love you buddy.” He blew you a kiss and you caught it as your little cousin brought you across the room. 

“Auntie Leah! Y/n/n wants to talk to you.” She handed the phone over while settling in next to her aunt. You saw your older cousin’s calming face, and couldn’t help the tears in your eyes.

“I haven’t even said anything and you're already crying,” You let out a laugh and took a sip of water. “Sorry. It’s been a long day.” 

“Y/n, are you at the precinct? It’s 8:00 your time on thanksgiving, what are you doing there?”

“There was some work I needed to get done. If I can’t be with you guys, I can at least get a head start so I can come home for Christmas.” The squadroom was empty now, but it had only been filled by the desk sergeant and a couple uni’s until five. You’d been here since noon, not succeeding in spending the holiday alone in your apartment. “Besides, I’ve been able to ignore all of my mother’s phone calls with the ‘I’m working’ excuse. Has she called you guys yet?”

“Just mom once. You know she doesn’t mean it to hurt you, she just wishes you could spend time with family for the holidays.” “I know.”

Your family meant the world to you, and having missed the last two years of holidays was hard on you. Sure, you saw them eventually, but Christmas and Thanksgiving weren’t the same alone.

“Since I’ve already started Christmas shopping, is there anything Benjamin needs or wants from his godmother?” “He has requested, and I quote, ‘y/n/n’s nummy cookies’.” The smile that spread across your face was so big it almost hurt. That baby boy was probably your favorite person on the planet, besides your own nieces and nephews. “Alright well hopefully he can help Y/n/n make those nummy cookies in a few weeks. If not, I’ll send a box out, along with an amazing present.”

“What about me?” Maura asked, and you just shook your head. “Hey, I’m not made out of money here girlfriend.” She laughed at that.

“Have you at least eaten anything today?” Leah asked, trying to steer the conversation into a more meaningful direction. She could read you so easily. “Yes, I have. I’m not going to be here much longer, so I’ll grab something for dinner on my way home.”

“Y/n/n,” The eight year old interrupted again, and you couldn’t help the smile that etched across your face as you rolled your eyes at the silly nickname. 

“Yes, Maura.” 

“There’s a fancy man walking towards you.” 

You turned your head and saw Barba walking through the squadroom. “I gotta go, Leah.” 

“Is everything okay?”

He pulled over Carisi’s chair, raising a brow to make sure it was okay. You nodded.

“It’s okay. Just a colleague. I’ll talk to you later.” “Okay. We love you and miss you.” Tears pooled in your eyes again as Maura hopped on. “Love you Y/n/n!” A tear fell from your eye as you let out a laugh. “Love you too guys. Bye.”

You ended the call, quickly wiping your eyes now that you had an audience. It was only last night that you had your rather animated argument, and neither of you had reached out. Being stubborn was one of many traits the two of you shared.

“Can I help you, counselor?” 

He held up a brown bag with a receipt stapled to the fold. “It’s thursday night. It’s usually you making trips to the office, but I figured I could take the field trip tonight.” 

He opened up the bag, pulling out cartons of Chinese food. Your hand immediately reached for the fortune cookies, ripping the plastic wrapper off. 

There was a lingering tension in the air, unresolved conflict, and hurt feelings, but it still felt okay. Mainly because the two of you knew you were both to blame. 

“How did you know I was here?” You asked while grabbing the carton of lo mein. “I called Carisi. He said you were supposed to be in Minneapolis for the holiday, but got wrapped up in the case. Said he offered his family to you, but after hearing the commotion over the phone, I understand why you declined.”

“I didn’t decline because of their raucous personalities. I just wanted to get some work done.” 

He digressed, retreating into his carton of fried rice. “What about you? Why aren’t you eating pie and decorating for Christmas with your lovely mother?”

“She volunteered this year. Since Abuelita died, she hasn’t been a big fan of holidays.” You nodded, knowing how hard it was for Rafael to grieve his abuelita last year. 

“How has she been doing?”

He shrugged. “She has good days and bad days. She blames herself most of the time, but she has her school, and her kids to keep her upright.” “And you.” His eyes met yours for a brief second, the corners of his mouth turning up the slightest. He always wanted to do more for his family. 

“Was that who you were on the phone with? Your family from Minneapolis?” 

“Yeah. I was supposed to go out there for thanksgiving, but when we caught Kristi’s case, I cancelled. I thought,” You stopped, knowing any mention of the case would bring up last night’s conversation.  

“We were going to trial.” He finished the sentence and you nodded.

If everything had gone according to plan, Panko and D’Amico would’ve been indicted this week and the trial would’ve begun the following week. You’d already started prepping Kristi with Rollins, making sure she knew her story backwards and forwards. But it was all for nothing it seems.

“Y/n, what I said last night,” You shook your head. “We both said things we didn’t mean. I started it, and was completely out of line.” 

“You weren’t. You were fighting for Kristi, and your case. I just, I didn’t want to hear it.” He ran a hand through his hair, not perfectly quaffed like usual. “I shouldn’t have brought up the Bar. It was low, extremely low, and you didn’t deserve it. You and Carisi could take me out in court in a day. And if you ever tell him that, I’ll deny it until I die.” You laughed while taking an egg roll, crossing your finger over your heart. “Cross my heart and hope to die.”

You let the apology sink in for a minute before starting your own. “I know you would’ve brought this to trial if we had enough evidence. I know that you care about the victims just as much as we do. I’m sorry that I said you didn’t.”

Poking around the container, he let out a scoff. “You weren’t that far off. I’m the D.A.’s puppet, letting him decide which cases I prosecute or not. We don’t have a lot of room for an emotional influence. I know how cold I can be with vics and witnesses.”

“That doesn’t mean you don’t care.” 

“Tell that to Kristi Cryer. She posted a vlog today, ripped me a new one for not believing her. Called the D.A.’s office, and I quote, ‘a bunch of spineless jellyfish.’ She’s not wrong. I mean,” He let out a humorless laugh. “I went to law school so I could help people. At least, that’s what I’ve been telling myself the last twenty years. But in reality, I’ve been climbing the bureaucratic totem pole, pushing myself further and further away from that kid in the Bronx.”

“You don’t seriously believe what Cryer said do you?” He shrugged, not meeting my eyes. You sighed, placing the carton on your desk, leaning over to rest your hand on his arm. “You are the Assistant District Attorney for the Sex Crimes division. People do not last here if they don’t care about the victims. I’ve seen you in court, in testimony prep, hell even in interrogation. You care about every single person that needs our help. Does it suck that the law is not the most accommodating to rapists and pedophiles? Yeah, it’s really shitty. But you didn’t write the law books, as much as you like to believe you did.” A smile crept onto his face. “You care about your mom, your abuelita, everyone that helped you in the Bronx. I know you care about us, even Carisi, although you’d never admit it. You are not a spineless jellyfish, no matter how fun it is to say.”

“You really believe that?” He still couldn’t meet your eyes. It always amazed you how easily the most put together people could fall victim to their insecurities. 

“Rafael, I would not be spending every Thursday night for the past two years with you if I didn’t believe that you were one of the most kind-hearted people I’ve ever met. I care about you.”

His green eyes finally met yours as he moved to gently hold your hand that was previously resting on his forearm. He gave it a soft squeeze as you smiled, trying to ignore the butterflies that started blooming in your stomach. The same butterflies that rested there every time your hands brushed when you were walking down the hallway, or when his hand rested at the small of your back to escort you into the courtroom. And after tonight, and the way he was looking back at you, you knew he felt them too.

You spent the next ten minutes finishing off the takeout, sitting in a comfortable silence, not needing to fill the moment with anything else. The two of you kept sneaking glances at one another, breaking out into a sheepish grin if you were caught. 

Once you were done eating, Rafael cleaned up the food as you got all your belongings together for the long weekend. It wasn’t until that moment you realized he wasn’t wearing an expensive suit; he had on a navy blue quarter zip, black jeans, and some loafers. A smile crept up on your face knowing that you got to see him in casual clothes.

“Ready?” He asked as you slipped on your gloves and pushed your chair in behind you. “Ready.” 

You lived close enough to the precinct that it was only a ten minute walk. Rafael lived in the other direction, but still insisted on walking you back to your apartment. An Uber could pick him up from there, he said, because that man would not be caught dead walking across the city in his loafers.

He called for a ride as you approached your block, not wanting him to wait in the cold too long. As you approached the brick walk up, you started to fidget with the keys resting in your pocket. 

“Thank you for dinner. And a double thank you for not making me eat your sushi.” He smiled. “You’re welcome. Thank you for being such good company.”

“Anytime.” A sharp gust of wind hit you, causing you to duck your head into your coat for a few seconds. When you looked back up, Rafael’s cheeks were rosy red and wind burnt, and absolutely adorable. “I’ll see you next week for a warrant, I’m sure.”

“I’m sure. Make sure to get me a coffee on the way, listening to you list the legal reasons why you need the warrant always makes me sleepy.” 

You smiled.“Deal. Goodnight, Raf.”

“‘Night, Y/n.” 

Despite the farewell statements, neither one of you moved. You couldn’t bring yourself to look away from his warm eyes, and it wasn’t until you felt his fingers brush against yours that you moved closer. 

His eyes flickered to your lips for a second, before looking back at you. You took another step towards him, waiting for him to close the gap between you. When he did, all you could feel was the warmth of his lips on yours, and the cold tip of his nose resting against your cheek. 

It was short, the two of you pulling away after a few seconds. But one smile from you had him leaning back in, resting a hand on your cheek as he kissed you again. It was slow and careful, but full of adoration. You couldn’t help but smile into him, bringing your hand up to rest against his own. After a few more seconds, his own smile made it impossible to stay connected. 

This time when you pulled away, you rubbed your thumb across his red, wind burnt cheek, not even trying to suppress the stupid smile on your face. And you were happy to see him grinning the same way.

“I’ll call you tomorrow,” He said, shifting his head just enough to press a kiss to the palm of your hand. Neither one of you is willing to ruin this moment with any talks about what this means. “Okay. Get home safe.” “I will.”

One more look at his rosy red cheeks, and you let out a laugh before you let yourself pull away.

“What?” He asked, completely dumbfounded by his affect on you. You shook your head in response. “Nothing.”

He returned your laughter before lightly kissing your lips one last time. You could get used to this. 

“Goodnight, counselor.” You said once you pulled away, lightly shoving him toward the ride that just pulled up. 

“Goodnight, detective.”

****

[keanureevesisbae]

Serendipity C.3

Summary: Since Winnie continues to provide Bucky with some meals over the last two weeks, they have become quite good friends. Only, there is one thing Winnie needs from him: just a tiny little favor. 

Bucky Barnes x Winnie Monroe (ofc)

Warnings: None

Wordcount: 4k

A/N: Tumblr has been really weird with tags, so I hope everyone sees this 🥰

Masterlist // Serendipity Masterlist // Previous chapter // Next chapter 

These last two weeks, I might’ve made four plum pies, despite still not liking them at all. I might’ve also spend a lot of time with Bucky at my apartment after work. Usually I would eat my dinner by myself, spend the nights alone mindlessly watching television, but Bucky comes over a lot and I don’t think I have watched any TLC program.

And to be fair, they are a waste of time anyways.

I mostly show him how to make a pie and how to cook in general. I saw the man attempting to make a pancake the other night and it might’ve been the most horrendous thing I have ever seen. It tasted okay, but that was mainly because I made the batter.

At this point, I might even consider him more than a neighbor or an acquaintance. I might even consider him a friend, though we haven’t specifically spoken about that.

‘What is up with you?’ Julia asks. ‘You have this sickening smile on your face.’

I help clean up a bit in the salon, but that’s more because I’m waiting to be picked up. My bus doesn’t drive today and especially since I stayed here way passed my usual work hours, it’s pretty dark outside. It was really stressful today here in the salon. Since Chrissy is the only one here in the salon who knows how to do a silk press, I had to take over some of her appointments, since she had to fix a botched at home silk press. On top of that, I had to do some highlights, fix do-it-at-home-bangs for some girl who was really out of it and had three ombré hairstyles to do.

‘Nothing,’ I say. ‘Can’t a girl smile anymore?’

‘I bet this has to do with her handsome neighbor Bucky,’ Chrissy says, who has been thoroughly briefed by Julia. They even watched back the security footage, so they could see what he looked like again.

‘Oh, does it now?’ Julia chuckles. Me not saying anything, is enough for them to burst into high pitched squeals. ‘You two are so into each other, it’s endearing,’ Julia adds.

‘No, stop it,’ I say. ‘We are not into each other. We’re just friends.’

‘We’re just friends,’ Julia mocks. ‘I can’t believe you believe that.’

While I obviously think he is ridiculously handsome, with those long locks and really blue eyes, I highly doubt he sees me the same way. I think he just likes to hang out with me, so he isn’t by himself and because I cook and bake stuff for him. Besides, why would he be attracted to me, when it’s crystal clear he can have anyone he wants?

‘You even cook for the man,’ Chrissy laughs.

While I want to add that I only occasionally cook for him, Julia’s loud laugh filled the entire hair salon as she doubles over. ‘Oh my, girl, you know what they say right? Nothing says lovin’ like something from the oven.’

‘It worked for my parents and they are still together,’ Chrissy says. ‘Didn’t he buy you three bouquets of flowers?’

Yes. ‘No,’ I say, but even I’m not convinced. I’ll just keep to myself that the three bouquets he bought me, were the most beautiful bouquets I had ever gotten.

Julia and Chrissy try not to laugh right in my face at me, but they simply cannot contain themselves. I mean, I don’t blame them and if we’re really honest here, I kinda deserved it. I pestered Chrissy for days on end when she was talking to this guy on Tinder and when he picked her up for their first date, I was even worse than they are right now. ‘You’re terrible,’ I tell them and I mean every syllable of it.

The door of the salon opens and we all look up as if we’re one person. Bucky enters the salon and he looks illegally handsome today. Despite the nasty cold outside, his leather jacket is unzipped, revealing his favorite red Henley. His lips form into a smile when his eyes land on me. ‘Hi Winnie,’ he says. ‘Hi ladies.’

They simply hold up their hand as they almost reached a catatonic state.

‘Are you ready to go?’ he asks me, after he looks away from them and frowns at me for just a second.

‘I sure am,’ I say, as I hand the broom to Julia, whose jaw is nearly dislocated as its almost touching the floor. ‘What’s wrong with you?’ I whisper.

‘I forgot how handsome he was in real life,’ she whispers back.

Chrissy blinks her eyes, as she visibly gawks at Bucky.

I grab my coat from the counter and as I put it on, I say to my friends: ‘See you girls tomorrow.’

They remain awfully quiet as I grab my bag. Bucky and I walk out of the salon and I’m met with an ice cold wind. It’s almost like the air is biting my face. It’s officially March now and while this morning it was okay weather, the second the night fell, you could almost see it getting insanely cold.

And my weird neighbor has his jacket open… What the hell is wrong with him?

‘Thank you for picking me up,’ I say. ‘When I read about the busses not driving today, I panicked, to be honest.’

‘Why is that?’

‘Well, I’m afraid of getting into cabs, because I fear I might step into a phony one and without a doubt would die, because that is something that would happen to me. And while I can easily walk home, I mean, I did it this morning, I just… It’s scary and I don’t do well in the dark.’

‘Well, it’s no problem,’ he says. ‘I can pick you up as long as the busses don’t drive. Just let me know.’

‘Oh, would you? You sure that’s not a problem?’

‘If it were a problem, I wouldn’t have suggested. Besides, I would hate it if something happens to my favorite cook.’

‘Shut up,’ I chuckle, causing him to snicker as well.

During these weeks we’ve hung out, I really enjoyed it. We watched tons of series and movies and he hadn’t seen any of them, which I thought was slightly weird. However, since everyone I know has seen all those movies, they know the plot twists. Seeing Bucky react to them for the first time, makes it even funnier.

While he can be pretty private from time to time, he slowly lets me in. It can differ from something as basic as the weather, plans for the summer to just our thoughts in general about actualities or whatever.

‘You ready for you first hot pot experience?’ I ask him.

‘As ready as I can ever be. I bought some radish and Enoki mushrooms before I picked you up.’ He holds up the plastic bag. ‘Like you told me to.’

‘Well, if you really listened to me, you should’ve brought a reusable bag.’

‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry,’ he chuckles, a small smirk appearing on his lips, ‘but I forgot one. I won’t every do it again. Promise.’

❀ ❀ ❀

After we prepared the soup base in my pink hot pot, we stalled everything out on my dinner table and I excitedly clap my hands. ‘Ready?’ I ask, as I sit down on the chair.

‘It looks really good, so I’m ready.’ Bucky seems more relaxed now in my place, then let’s say a week ago.

While I told him countless times he should make himself at home, it took him a while to get there. Now he just walks over to my fridge, to provide himself with something to drink.

Last Saturday we went to do some groceries together and it almost felt like we were at least roommates, trying to figure out what we should buy. He is really clueless when it comes to food, but he does know his way around with beer, an area I have zero knowledge in. When we got to my place again (after he insisted on paying for it and it’s probably a battle I will continue to lose in the future), he stored his beer in my fridge.

Not even a few bottles in his own.

He grabs a bottle of beer and a bottle of wine. As he places his beer bottle on his side of the table, he opens the wine bottle and pours some in my glass. ‘There you go, Winnie,’ he says with a smile.

My eyes get lost in his friendly gaze for a second, but then I realize it’s impolite to stare. ‘Thank you.’ When he sits across from me, I grab two pairs of chopsticks, holding them up. It’s the same ones he has next to his plate. ‘Okay, first rule: the dark ones you use to cook your food and the light ones are to eat your food. Make sure you do not mix this up, because otherwise you eat from your raw meat chopsticks and we don’t want that. Okay?’

‘Okay, got it.’

‘Also, don’t add too much food in it at the same time. My dad did that once and it got severely overcooked and that was really disgusting.’

Bucky nods as he listens intently.

It’s almost making me uncomfortable. ‘Why are you staring?’ I ask him. ‘You never stare.’

‘You talk about certain things with so much passion, it’s lovely.’ He tries to hold his chopstick, but is still figuring it out a bit. ‘About your job, food, flowers, movies, cats on the street.’

‘Oh,’ I say with a nervous chuckle. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘Why are you apologizing, when I’m not accusing you of anything? I think it’s sweet.’

I clear my throat, as I try to pull myself together. ‘Anyways, you first put in the fishballs, and meatballs, so they can boil a little. Once they float on top, you know it’s cooked and ready for you to eat it. You then put in the meat and lastly the vegetables and noodles, copy that?’

‘Copy that,’ he confirms.

I help him with a method to hold his chopsticks, but decide to help him out by putting it all in the hot pot, even for him.

I watch him trying to dip some of his pork in the sauce and he puts it in his mouth. ‘And?’ I ask him. ‘What do you think?’

‘This is delicious,’ he says. ‘Can we do this every week?’

I chuckle, when I see the excited look in his eyes. For a second the underlying hurt and pain is gone. No matter how happy he seems, there is always that fragment of pain. ‘Of course we can.’

He takes a sip of his beer and becomes more and more swift. He eats like he hasn’t eaten for days, which is weird, because I have been consistently feeding him for most of the time. I lean back as I drink some of my wine, while taking in Bucky. He continues to push his hair back and I hold up my hairband I have permanently on my wrist. ‘You want?’

‘Would be nice,’ he says.

‘Stay put,’ I say as I stand up and walk around the table. ‘You are lucky I don’t mind touching other people’s hair.’ I gather the top layer of his hair, since that is really distracting him. Besides, without some gel and other products, I don’t think I could perfect a man bun for him. I wrap the elastic around the strands and I can’t help but admire his hair. Ever since the hair cut I gave him two weeks ago, it looks really good. Especially since he listens intently to all the advice I give him when it comes to hair care.

My phone helps me to snap out of my slight trance. I snatch it from my kitchen counter and discover it’s my mom. She never calls without sending me at least five texts. ‘You mind? It’s my mom.’

‘No of course not,’ he quickly says. ‘I think I’ll manage here. Can I put in some noodles?’

‘Go ahead.’ I quickly flash him a smile and pick up the phone as I walk out of the kitchen. ‘Hi mom.’

‘Hi Winter honey, how are you?’

‘I’m good, mom. Please don’t take this the wrong way, because I really don’t mind you calling me, but you usually text first. Is everything okay?’

The last time she called me without texting first, was when my uncle Jacob was in the hospital. We already knew he had cancer, that it was already stage four and there was nothing we could do about it. However, I had to go back to work, so I told mom she had to call me the second his health started to decline even further. When she did call me without texting me, I dropped everything and rushed to Oregon. With the entire family, we stood around his bed, as he fell asleep and didn’t wake up anymore.

‘Everything is just fine, honey,’ she reassures me and I let out a relieved sigh.

Wait, isn’t the memorial week we always have to honor uncle Jacob nearing?

‘Just a quick reminder that next week is the memorial week for Uncle Jacob.’

Oh crap, so it is week. I already arranged time off of work, but it might’ve slipped my mind. I have been busy feeding my neighbor. I just need to get the tickets and buy something for my grandparents, but maybe I can do that in Eugene.

It’s five years since uncle Jacob passed away. With every year that goes by, I see it’s becoming more and more difficult for my grandparents. They buried a son and I think that might be the worse thing to ever do as a parent.

‘Right,’ I quickly say. ‘No, I remembered. Of course I remembered, mom.’

She probably knows I totally forgot, but thankfully she simply lets it slide. She can’t help it either I can be the biggest scatterbrain from time to time and accepts this from me, even when I forget her birthday four years in a row. ‘Good news, little Robbie got engaged to Eloise. You know, the girl you met last summer.’

What? No, no, no, I think to myself. This can’t be really happening. Robbie cannot possibly be engaged. This is the most horrendous news I have heard in quite awhile.

Because if Robbie is engaged, that means I’m officially the only Monroe who is single and childless.

Since all three of my uncles will be there, including my aunts, cousins and cousins once removed, it means…

Oh no, this week is gonna be terrible. Everyone is gonna ask me whether or not I’m seeing someone and when I say no, it’s almost like there is no way for more conversation. I am still a hairdresser, I haven’t met any celebrities in the salon and I don’t have any interesting hobbies, besides keeping up with all sorts of reality shows on TLC.

This is gonna be a week filled with me being the babysitter.

‘Oh, isn’t that great,’ I mumble. Stupid Robbie, I’ll kill him once I see him.

When I met Eloise, sure, she was a lovely girl, but I didn’t think it was gonna last. I highly doubt no one thought so. Robbie goes through different girls at the same pace as I go through ramen.

It was bound to fail.

Or so I thought, because now the idiot is engaged and I’m not.

‘Are you taking anyone with you?’

Mom sounds so hopeful and I know it would make her very happy if I brought someone with me. I mean, I would be very happy to take someone with me. Especially because one of my cousins Brie loves to rub in that we’re the same age and she already got a university degree, a husband and a lovely daughter and I’m able to do a very lovely balayage, a bob and curtain bangs on curly hair.

My parents always said to me that a relationship shouldn’t be the number one goal in life and while I try to live by that, I still kinda wish I could show someone off. To rub in everyone’s face that I too can have a relationship, especially with someone beautiful. Both Brie and her sister Tess have husbands that I might crushed on for a while. Wouldn’t it be wonderful the same thing happened, just the other way around?

‘You have been awfully quiet, dear,’ mom notes and I remember I was on the phone with her. ‘Does that mean you have something to tell me?’

‘Well,’ I start and my conscious is a little slower than my impulsive behavior, because I add: ‘I do have a boyfriend.’

Fuck no, crap, no, what I have I done? I don’t even have one. I nervously pace around my living room, hoping that will speed up the process of me thinking of an excuse.

‘You do?’ mom exclaims. ‘Oh Winter, I am so happy for you. You have to bring him with you next week if that is possible. I really hope that would be possible. I cannot wait to tell your dad. What’s his name?’

Make something up, Winnie, please don’t be impulsive and don’t do the thing that you are thinking of. ‘His name is Bucky,’ I say.

Okay, I did it.

‘What a lovely name,’ mom says. ‘Well, you should send me a picture of the two of you. Oh, wait, no, don’t do that. I’d like to see him for the first time in real life. If he can’t make it, then I want a picture.’

My mom is weird, but thankfully this gives me some more time to think about this.

‘Oh dear, I need to hang up, but I can’t wait until I get to see you and meet Bucky. Love you, sweetheart.’ She hangs up and I stare mindlessly at my phone.

Okay, we can conclude I have royally fucked up. Now what? How do I solve this?

I could, of course, not say anything to Bucky and just go to Oregon by myself and tell everyone he couldn’t make it.

Downside to that is that I have to have multiple pictures of the two of us and a few of him I could show to my family. I could photoshop a handsome man into pictures with me, but I highly doubt I am that talented.

And if I do the photoshop thing, Brie is never gonna believe me, that’s one thing I know for sure.

I could, of course, just ask him if he wants to go with me. Maybe he wants to spend time with me and my family and grant me the fulfillment of seeing the jealousy drip off Brie’s perfect face.

I walk into the kitchen and see Bucky enjoying the rest of the hotpot. I mean, he is show off material with his handsome face and after I got to know him, I really think he would be a great boyfriend, fake or not.

‘How is it?’ I ask him.

Bucky looks up, a beautiful smile on his face. ‘This is amazing, Winnie,’ he admits. ‘Everything that comes out of your kitchen is amazing. Thank you for providing me with something better than a boiled egg, some cucumber and regular plums.’

I can’t help but smile. Maybe Julia was right: maybe nothing says lovin’ like something in the oven.

‘How’s your mom?’ he asks me.

‘Good, good,’ I say, as I sit across from him. ‘I have this family memorial thing next week, for my uncle. He passed away of cancer five years ago.’

‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ he says. ‘Does that mean you are going back to Oregon?’

‘Yep,’ I say. ‘I just heard my youngest cousin got engaged,’ I continue. ‘Meaning all my cousins are either engaged, married and or have children.'

‘Leaving you the only one who is single,’ he fills in.

‘Truthfully, yes.’

That causes him to cock an eyebrow, as he looks at me funny.

‘My mom might be under the impression I have a boyfriend.’

‘How come?’ he asks.

I grab a meatball out of the hotpot and dip it in the sauce. ‘I might’ve told her that,’ I say, putting the meatball in my mouth.

Bucky places down the chopsticks and leans back in the seat. ‘What’s his name?’ he asks me, as he crosses his arms in front of his broad chest. My eyes fall on his gloved hand, still because he is not at ease enough to show me his scars, but I understand. I mean, I have a nasty scar on my side and I’m not showing that to him.

Do I want to drag him into this?

‘Bucky,’ I whisper, but loud enough for him to hear me.

‘What?’

‘I’m sorry,’ I say. ‘I just couldn’t help it, okay? I heard my youngest cousin got engaged. Engaged! He is only twenty one and on and off the only ally I had during those family weeks. I want to fit in for once and not be the babysitter, who can take care of the kids, so the others can have conversations. I want to show someone off and not be the laughing stock for being single again. Please, Bucky… I would really appreciate it if you went with me.’

‘To be your fake boyfriend?’ he asks me.

‘Exactly, you’re already getting it. That’s a good sign, a sign you should totally say yes,’ I say. ‘I bet my entire family would absolutely adore you. Please, it’s only for a week. You can literally be anyone you want to be. Honestly, if you tell them you work with the fire department or you’re a surgeon, you could totally go for it. After this week, I’ll eventually tell my mom we didn’t work out and that’s it. The end. Finito.’

Bucky cocks an eyebrow and lets out a deep sigh. ‘I don’t know, Winnie. I’m gonna lie to your family.’

‘Oh come on,’ I practically beg. ‘I lied to my parents growing up and they never suspected a thing. They are literally so gullible, you can tell them anything.’

‘Just because you lied to your parents, doesn’t mean I should do that,’ he says.

That’s true. ‘Right,’ I say. ‘You’re totally right.’

‘Is it really that bad to be single?’ Bucky asks.

‘In general? No. At a Monroe family get to together? Yes.’

Bucky frowns. ‘If I would say yes, what is there in it for me?’

That is not a no, I think to myself. ‘Well, I was thinking that you can literally eat here whenever you want. Mi casa es tu casa. You can even have a key to my place. Bucky, I’m really desperate, okay? Just one week.’

Bucky sighs.

‘If you really hate it,’ I continue to try, ‘just fake you have to go back for work. I’ll pay for both of your tickets.’

He bites his bottom lip and when I examine the look in his eyes, he is carefully thinking about the pros and cons of this impulsive and ill thought out plan. ‘Okay, I’ll do it.’

I let out a squeal, as I clap in my hands. ‘Thank you so much, Bucky. You have no idea how much this means to me.’

Bucky lets out another sigh, but burst into laughter not long after that. ‘I can’t believe this. You’re quite something, Winnie.’

‘If you think I’m something, you haven’t met my parents and the rest of my family, so brace yourself.’

‘Well, I think it’s nothing I can’t deal with.’

I am absolutely delighted he agreed to this. ‘Oh, that reminds me, we need to take some pictures of us.’

Bucky frowns. ‘Why?’

‘Because as of right now, we’ve been dating for around four months and since you are so happy and obsessed with me, we make pictures all the time.’

‘Am I that type of boyfriend?’ he chuckles.

‘Yeah, you are that type of boyfriend. And we are that disgusting couple that has pictures of one another as our backgrounds, so we should do that as well.’ I grab my wineglass and Bucky holds up his beer bottle. ‘To us,’ I say.

Bucky nods. ‘To us.’

❀ ❀ ❀

Bonus:

[operation-619]

Her

Chapter two: crimson

UD- 24th June 2021

Big Thank yo to my translator, @primavera-allegoria​ this story wouldn’t be completed or written if it wasn’t for you. So thank you.

Summary: AU series were Bucky is safe and sound after AOU, (Y/N) (L/N) is a troubled woman with a haunting past, and its coming back to enslave her. But she doesn’t care, her interest is in a certain Captain America lead to a night that set off a series of unfortunate twists and turns. Can she come out on the other side, with her past a secret and a family to come home to. Or will she burn and take everyone down with her.

Warning!! this chapter contains scenes some may find upsetting and disturbing read at your own risk.

Word Count- 4K+

If you have any question please ask, reviews are welcome let me know what I can approve on and what you like.

 [Masterlist]

 Chapter I-Forest : Chapter III-Hiraeth

 __

The rebuilding of stark Tower 2012

“You know Tony, I would love to find an apartment in New York, but I can’t leave a child by itself for more than an hour, legally” (E/C) eyes cast downwards at the plans of the new compound, (Y/N) refused to wipe the smirk off her face as she heard the dramatic intake of breath behind her.

“Are you calling me a child.” She could picture the look of disdain on his face, his mouth wide open in mock shock and hand on his Arc Reactor. (H/C) textured hair bounced around her shoulders as she shook her head in disbelief. She walked over to the large window that overlooked the rubble that once was New York.

Heaving a sigh, she wrapped her arms around her torso and clenched tightly, her eyes became glassy as she withheld the tears threatening to come down her face. Her mind was running too fast for her to keep up with, the thought of what she could have done circled her head in a taunting manner. ‘I could’ve saved people, children.’ The guilt was evident in her eyes but not on her face, no she hid that well.

“You knew it had to be done,” obviously not too well, “there would’ve been more damaged with you and Banner out there, chaos. And we can really only just about control Banner. I did it to keep you safe.” The remorse was clear on his tongue she just refused to listen.

“So, knocking me out with that heavy duty sedative was your best option? I felt like a piece of shit when you did that with no explanation Tony! And to mention the fact that you left me in my room without so much of a note, do you have any idea how scary it was to wake up to you falling out the fucking hole in the sky!” her face was contorted into a painful twist as she grew closer and closer to Tony, her index finger jutted out and repeatedly jab his arc reactor. The strength behind it surprised him and led to him placing his hand onto her shoulders in an attempt to calm her down.

The veins in her body started to hum a soft crimson, her eyes filled with tears as she gasped for air. She could feel her body starting to change, the heat building up begging to be released was a sign she needed to breathe.

“You and I both know that the consequence would’ve been too much for everyone to face given our current situation.” His voice was soft as if he were talking to a wounded animal; he caressed her elbow and brought her head to lay on his chest. The soft humming of his reactor brought comfort to her. (Y/N) thought back to the moment she locked eyes upon the figure of a falling Iron Man, she couldn’t put into words the emotions that coursed through her body as she watched him fall. The scream that left her mouth shook the whole room, yet it was unheard with all the chaos flying around the city.

“I know, I am just pissed off that’s all. You promised not to do that again,” her voice was petite, the vulnerability flowing off her in waves.

She pulled her head away from his chest and looked up at him, a smirk slowly making its way to her face; “And fuck you for not taking me to get some Shawarma.” She pulled herself away from him and punched him in the arm playfully. She laughed as she watches his mouth form an ‘O’ as he rubbed the pain away.

“That looked like it hurt Tony,” (Y/N) whipped her head around at the new voice and immediately relaxed once she saw it was Pepper, the strawberry blonde gave the other lady a hug on her way to Tony. They exchanged a few words before Pepper came back to (Y/N).

“I’m going back to Malibu for a few weeks, wanted to know if you wanted to come?” The woman held a look in her eyes that (Y/N) had seen before; pity, the fact that Pepper was the one to find (Y/N) in her room with the window smashed, the furniture broken and all over the place with her sat, stark naked in the middle of it all. Pepper saw the struggle clear on (Y/N)’s face when she stepped into the room. The pain. The horror. The ongoing battle within her as she tried to claw her way out of the disorientated state, she was in.

“I don’t know, I still have to do clean up here- “

“Don’t worry about it I’ve got it, go you deserve it Foss,” (Y/N) winced at the nickname and walked out the office. The two adults watched the head of (H/C) curls disappear into the mass of construction and working bodies.

“JARVIS pull up surveillance please, from her room.” Pepper’s voice was filled with an emotion that Tony couldn’t place. It didn’t matter the moment the wall in front of them filled up with an image of (Y/N)’s form sleeping in the bed.

His face showed the confusion on his face as he looked at the surveillance footage- “why am I watching (Y/N) sleep Pep?”- his eyebrows screwed together as he looked from her freckle covered face to the video.

“Just watch.” Her voice held authority that Stark did not question.

The tape speed forward for a moment, the images past quickly from her getting up and looking around the room in confusion, to her trying to open the door, to then turning around and seeing the Chitauri flying around outside her large window. She tries the door handle one last time before slowly walking to the window. Hands on it as she surveys the scene unravelling in front of her.

“Pepper?” Tony’s voice is full of question as he watches the tape pick up speed again to the moment (Y/N) catches him falling out of the sky. The veins in her body starts to pulse a deep crimson as she slams her fist against the window in anguish.

It happens to quickly that Tony orders Jarvis to rewind and slow down the tape. Pepper takes a seat on the raised platform surrounding them and places her head in her hands.

But he doesn’t notice; he’s got his eyes focused on the image of (Y/N) hunched over in pain as her body starts to become overwhelmed in light as she screams in fear, the room starts to shake. A crack forms on the window, then one crack turns into five and then five turn into hundreds of spider webs turning the triple-glazed-Tony-Stark proof window into shards that fly across the room and fall onto the people outside. The clothes burn off as her body becomes too hot, all the pent-up energy finally being released. Crimson ribbons start to flutter around her body creating a circle that envelopes her trembling body as she hunched over in pain, the furniture in the room starts to shake as it lifted off the ground and hovers in the air.

All of a sudden, the ribbons that were once dancing around her erupted outwards as her upper body was flung upwards and a silent scream left her body. Everything broke; the bed, the table, the desk, and the walls dented.

She falls to the floor quickly, her head bounces from the immediate impact. The tape fast forwards again, and throughout her body doesn’t stop glowing, humming softly as it heals itself of self-inflicted injuries. The tapes stops suddenly to (Y/N) waking up; she arches of the ground and whips her head back and forth trying to grasp onto the perplexing situation at hand. But the confusion plastered on her face is clear as glass. A shard of bright light appears in the corner of the video before slowly becoming wider, drowning the dark and bleak room in artificial light.

(Y/N)’s face turns slowly to the figure in the doorway, a series of emotions flash across her face as she tries to understand everything, anything at all.

“Tony?” The plead fell on death ears as the 176 second clip was rewound and replayed over and over again; the already clenched jaw became slack before tensing again. His forehead creased in anguish as the image of the vulnerable woman stained is mind.

“Tony?” He exhaled violently through his nostrils before hanging is head low, he screwed his eyes shut and counted to ten in his head.

‘You fucked up’

‘Again’

“I…I promised her, I’d protect her and let nothing happen to her again Pep. I promised.” His voice meagre as he inhaled deeply trying to ignore the quaking of his lungs. He looked up at the paused video, millions of thoughts swarming his already distressed head. Taking a step back he cleared his throat.

“Jarvis.”

“Yes Sir?”

“Delete the footage, erase it.”

“Permanently sir?”

“Yes”

“And what of the Bedroom Sir?”

“What bedroom Jarvis?”

“Of course, sir.”

He looked to his left at the strawberry blonde, sat calmly watching his body, waiting for it to crumple. She was reading him like always but this time she couldn’t quite understand the writing on the pages, it kept shifting from one thing to another.

“We don’t speak of this Pepper, she doesn’t remember the surge, she just remembers waking up and seeing me fall, and that is as good as it gets,” his voice was low, a whisper of a whisper. His dark brown eyes met her blue in a silent agreement.

An agreement to protect what could destroy everything. And nothing at the same time.

“Jarvis?” He raised his eyebrows at nothing waiting patiently for the response.

“You were never here sir.”

With a nod he turned and left, never looking back as he marched to find something to preoccupy his mind from combustion.

Silence met Pepper’s ears for a few minutes before the silence was filled with a small sniffle, wiping her hand underneath her nose she looked up to the ceiling blinking a few times to calm herself. She needs to control herself for her sake. Before she screams.

Nodding to no one she gets up.

Smooths out her skirt.

And leaves.

March 14th, 2015

Medical bay, New Avengers Compound, Upstate New York.

“We had to heavily sedate her so there would be no chance of a surge of any kind like you suggested Tony, her body is damaged though. He put some kind of poison in her system that is unnatural.”

His heart stuttered as he listened to the Doctor speak, ‘unnatural, what does she mean?’.

“I tested it and I couldn’t find any kind of natural compound in the substance I extracted from her blood, I don’t think it was her body trying to decompose it if that is what you’re thinking because whatever they put in her, it’s. I’m so sorry Tony,”

His heart became erratic the sound became claustrophobic, ‘what does she mean she’s sorry?’.

“It’s aim was to halt her reaction, the deadly kind so they could do something, but it did more than that Tony, it’s made her weak. She’s broken and I don’t know how to fix her.”

His heart burst, the pain was so great it became numb, it was so great he saw black spots as his vision swam, it was so great he forgot that the team was down the hall.

It was so great that he screamed.

His heart and lungs felt heavy as he forced in air to stop him from falling, he looked up at Cho and grabbed her by the shoulders, he looked into her fear painted eyes and begged, pleaded with her to stop lying.

“Tony, there is nothing I can do, it’s all up to her biology now. My machines can’t fix her, they’d kill her or make it worse. I’m sorry.” She placed a consoling hand on his cheek, a mockery to him as the apology felt empty, scares of emotion.

His eye landed on the shell of a human, his (Y/N) laid there motionless, mindless, and uncomfortably beautiful. Her dark complexion paling and lifeless.

His stomach felt twisted as he dragged in a broken breath, it settled uncomfortably within him as he continued to stare at the woman he has known since 23, he could remember the way the dimly lit dinner made her eyes shine so brightly with pain. He felt at peace for a moment when he saw the conflict flitter across her face as he drunkenly plonked down opposite her in the sticky leather booth.

They related to each other on so many levels without a word spoken, the loss and torment they both endured was what helped them come together. But their undying love and friendship was what kept them together.

The beeping became unbearable, it mocked him with the intensity of it obnoxiously loud beep. He gritted his teeth and looked down at the monitor, it looked clean and untouched, beautifully innocent for a machine.

Unlike her, lying in that bed covered in swells, darkened colours and bumps, a majestic art-piece for the psychopaths of the world.

The rhythm of the beeping was fast, it sounded like the machine was running out of breath to keep up with her heart rate. He spent years trying to keep up with her, yet this was the closet he’d been to see her so…peaceful.

“Heal for me,” he gasped out as the tears finally dripped down his face. Placing a delicate kiss on her forehead he turned and walked out the room – if he started any longer at her he would do something; he didn’t know what yet, but it wouldn’t be good.

His footsteps echoed viscously in the hallway as he marched down towards the group of heroes sat in the living room; waiting, begging, pleading that she would be okay. They better pray some more.

Natasha was the first to see Tony enter the room, she kept quiet and just watched him, standing there- catatonic. Her eyes followed the figure as it went towards the island that separated the living room from the kitchen. Those eyes were swimming in tears as they watched Tony hunch over the island, his shoulders wide and stiff as he started hard at the marble countertop.

“Tony?” Eyes snapped to the red head that asked the question, then followed her line of sight to the billionaire that looked too quiet. No one moved as the man in question looked up to meet the questioning gaze of his teammate. No one moved as he turned his back towards everyone.

But everyone flinched when the figure lurched forward and grabbed the flowerpot off the stand and throw it across the room, next were the plates and decorations on the island, they flew across the room and landed in a million pieces.

Chairs, books, spoons, and pots danced in the air and crashed onto the floor.

It went on for minutes, the display of vulnerability became too much for Tony as he stopped and looked at the mess he made, back facing the team, he looked down the corridor he came from minutes ago. It was littered with piece of broken porcelain and china.

His face remained stoic as an image of (Y/N) appeared in front of him, broken and shattered in a million pieces, too many for him to put back together.

He couldn’t fix her. No one could.

He turned to the team, “I want background on the man that did this, everything. I want no place let untouched you hear me?” the silence answered his question. He looked at his team- “Where the fuck is Rogers?”

Bucky looked at Sam and then at Natasha. They exchanged a conversation that Tony was too tired to pick up on.

“He left with K-” Nat shot the solider a look before standing up and placing a hand on Tony’s shoulder.

“He left with her, before any of this went down. He doesn’t know.” Her perfectly arched eyebrows came together as she observed the conflict smothering Tony’s face.

With a nod the billionaire rubbed Natasha’s hand and walked away to his room not uttering another word.

But everyone felt the pressure he left behind, the severity of the situation weighed heavily on their shoulders as they all, one by one, slowly got up and put their plan into action.

But their eyes were all focused on the corridor Tony had come from, because at the end of it lay their friend and teammate fighting for her life.

March 15th 13:41pm, Downtown New York

 Steve Rogers is a man of many things, loyalty and honesty is just some of them. But ever since he woke up in a different century his views have changed, not drastically but the influence of a few certain men and women can do a lot to a man.

But it wasn’t just those people that caused his views to change slightly, it was the way the world changed, the way the people changed and their views on the world. How women walked around covered in tattoos and piercing, some women walking around in barley anything.

How men no longer seemed to show women respect, grabbing them when they see fit, how the world had forgotten about all the lives lost during the war.

All his friends.

Within the first month of him awakening from the ice he had hopes that some of his past was able to hold out, anything and within minutes of that thought crossing his mind reality slapped him hard in his perfect face. Everything he knew was either changed or gone and that was that, no bullshit. And he was kind of glad about that, he knew he had to figure out what to do and he need that distraction, any distraction would be welcomed with opened arms.

After the attack of New York, he made it a priority to learn about what he missed and gain new skills, cooking being one of them. And he did, he prided himself on that, all the new skills he learnt being able to use the tablets and phone that are interactive and portable, learning that things taste so much better when there not boiled. And that he really, really feels out of place.

Although Stark offered to house him in his tower after the attack of New York, he declined. He found comfort in the separation between work and, and he didn’t really have a life outside of being Captain America. He didn’t have anything because everything in that apartment was already there when he moved in, including the food.

He worked his frustration out in the gym not far from where he lived. The same place Nick Fury asked for his helped, where he found his purpose again. But he still felt empty. So, he did what any sane person would do.

He talked to Natasha.

Now Steve Rogers is a man of simple things, he finds happiness in other people’s happiness, find love in the fact that the world is safe from the biggest threat from his time.

“You need to get laid Rogers. Simple.”

What does a man like Steve Rogers say to that, he wasn’t exactly what you would call experienced or a natural in that area of ‘expertise’, Hell he’s never seen a woman naked before let alone touch a woman with that intent. But the more Natasha explained it the more it made sense to him, the feeling of not knowing what he needs, feeling empty.

So, he tried it.

A lot.

Steve Rogers is a man of many things, honesty, sexual prowess, and loyalty are just a some of those things that have made him the man he is today, the very same man who is waking up in a bed coated in the scent of apples and cinnamon and a sprinkling of sweat covering his back.  

“Turn it off,” the scent was intoxicating, so homely and warm. It reminded him of his mother’s apple pie. The way she sang as she made one once they got home from church, the love that went into a single slice made his heart grow with warmth. The scent was accompanied by the beeping that was increasingly getting louder and quicker not to mention slightly irritating.

“Turn it off,” a hand slapped him haphazardly on the shoulder as he cracked open an eye to look at the flashing red numbers that read 13:42. The numbers kept flashing in a sequence, they mean nothing to him just random flashing numbers. He wondered if he kept staring at them then maybe they’d start to say something to him.

Suddenly a hand came slithering past his head to push a button on top of the cubed alarm-clock. Bright red nail-polish was decorating the long nails perfectly, the manicured hands attached to the slender arm wrapped around his shoulders and a hot kiss was placed on his left shoulder.

He lost himself in the tingle that covered his back; the goosebumps that enveloped him in a warm embrace, he was happy this morning in his own little world. The nails gently ran down his abdomen and danced around his belly button. The chills sent a smile to his face.

Turning around his eyes swept across the face of the woman that lay beside him with her leg draped carelessly over his hip. The storm in her eyes became more apparent as the sun draped its warm caresses over their laying figures. The (E/C) was like liquid heaven, whispering to him to come take a swim.

“You want pancakes or something else?” Emerald green. Her eyes were emerald green not (E/C).

‘What are you doing?’

“Steve? Are you awake in there?” his eye flickered up to meet hers; a smile was plastered over her face, her lips looked dry from the amount of alcohol she consumed last night. She giggled and rolled over, so she was sat on the edge of the bed, stretching she reached forward to grab his shirt that was hanging off the edge of the bedside table. Slipping it on she pranced out of the door and disappeared.

“Fuck.”

Sitting up he looked over the bedroom that was covered in personal effects including the lace violent panties she wore last night. The room smelled of sex and a fruity perfume that hurt his head, last night it made his head flutter but right now it burnt his nostrils with how pungent it was. He grabbed his boxers lying next to his feet and pulled them on before walking out of the bedroom and into the open-planned living, kitchen area.

His eyes were drawn to the blue fabric swishing back and forth on the small figure at the island, her hair was up in a messy bun, strands sticking out everywhere as she bopped her head back and forth. Flour was smudge on her thigh and on the back of her neck; she looked over her shoulder at the sound of him sitting down at the island. He smiled back and just watched her. He felt calm this morning, he didn’t know what it was, but he felt oddly calm.

 “You want a smoothie with it as well baby?” He just hummed, too busy watching his hands fiddle with the small Vibranium bracelet that always adorned his wrist. It was given to him on Christmas three years ago when the team did secret Santa, it took a small amount of explaining for him to understand what it was.

It was a small navy-blue plush box wearing a black ribbon tie, the letter just said ‘I noticed the ones you buy keep breaking, this unbreakable like my bond with you x’ he had a hunch about who it was from and the look of surprise on (Y/N)’s face told him, it had been on his left wrist ever since.

His thumb and forefinger rubbed the links subconsciously as he thought about (Y/N)’s words last night, how the emotion on her face looked raw and deep, he was perplexed by her to say the least. He knew about her, but he didn’t know her, and god did he want to. It seemed that she kept him at an arms distance compared to everyone else, at first, he thought it was Tony’s influence but then he saw that she had Stark wrapped around her finger. He then concluded that it was him, he was the reason she didn’t trust Steven Grant Rogers.

She trusted Captain America, when they were both on the field, she trusted him. But the moment he put the persona away and the shield down, she was back to keeping him at a distance.

“Your phones ringing.” He looked up at the sound of her voice and watched as she pointed to his phone charging on the coffee table on the side of the couch.

He numbly walked over and unplugged the phone but was a second too late to accept the call. She never called him, she never really said anything to him outside of work except a goodbye and a hello. His mind was racing as he selected redial and placed his phone to his ear as he turned around and walked back over to the island.

“It was Buck,” his husky voice drifted through the air, he nodded his head as the red smoothie was placed in front of him. Placing a kiss on the top her head he muttered a thank you as she walked past heading to sit down to eat her food.

“Thank fuck Rogers, I’ve been trying to call you all night.” He scoffed at the tone he was greeted with.

“Good morning to you to sunshine, I was a bit busy last night punk.” He smiled over his glass as he heard the clattering of a fork behind him.

“I need you in here right now Steve.” He chugged down the rest of his smoothie and sucked in a breath. He booked the weekend off, if it was an emergency, they knew the protocol.

“I’m off all weekend punk, you know this. If this is about the unfinished paperwork hand it to (Y/N), she knows the detail, she can finish them for me.” He heard silence on the other end of the phone, he called out Bucky’s name thinking the line went dead but him clearing his throat told him that he was silent for another reason.

“She can’t do that right now Steve, she’s down. Someone got to her.”

The thick glass in his hands shattered, breaking into tiny shards. Cutting his hands and his heart.

______

Taglist;

@vicmc624

[rocorambles]

Look, I found this rare footage of us 💕

I’m the pink one, incase you weren’t sure

Heisbxisndi!!! Congrats on 4k, my love!! You deserve it all and so much more!!

I can’t wait until you come back from your mini vacay so I can have you all myself!!

LEEEEEEE LMAO omg I love you so much and I am CACKLING at this gif. LIES THOUGH. If there were two pink ones, that would be real footage of us. Giving you all the love and KITHESSSSS. Thank you, dear 🥺💖💖💖

[violetsystems]

#personal

I was invited the other day to join a community as a Creative Advisor from a survey I filled out for Adobe.  I made the choice last November to purchase Creative Cloud for an entire year at a discount.  When I worked at an art school I had all those applications free.  Anybody in the arts community will tell you that software is expensive.  I don’t necessarily feel too connected to the local arts community these days.  But being a Creative Advisor basically means I participate in focus groups and offer my opinions in writing.  It’s a not a bad way to stay active as a creator.  I bought a drone basically so I had 4k footage to mess around with in Premiere.  I am a YouTube Creator by definition.  Yesterday after posting a video of the stream there was another survey in the right hand corner.  I cautiously opened it and read through it.  It was an inclusion survey.  YouTube wanted information to help with their community.  The first question was what race I identify as.  I can’t really argue I’m not white.  The next question was if I identified as part of the LGBTQ community.  I don’t so I answered no.  The third question was what gender I identified as.  I said male because I’m cis.  I completed the survey and went on about my business.  A few minutes later another popup asked me how satisfied I was with the YouTube community after all this.  I answered Very Satisfied and closed the window.  I’m also part of a larger community here in Chicago.  This can be drilled down so far that you can find yourself standing in a lonely circle with a thousand fingers pointed back at you.  My immediate neighbors identify.  I wouldn’t know what specifically or why so I don’t ever really pry.  I live on a pretty diverse property when it comes to tenants.  That expands into a pretty diverse neighborhood with a pretty diverse set of issues when it comes to power sharing.  I live the mad max sort of mentality these days.  Think more Fury Road than Road Warrior.  Where he helps out then silently fades away to focus on his own car wreck of a life.  One winter while shoveling snow I discovered somebody had written something in front of one of my neighbor’s doorstep.  It said “gay people live here.”  I processed it, shrugged and shoveled it away.  I couldn’t tell if my landlord was supposed to discover it, if my neighbors actually wrote it, or if it was somebody being hateful.  I made a judgement call on the account of safety and made a mental note of it then made it disappear.  I cared enough to think about it no matter how much this entire process exhausts me.  People join communities for connection.  People seek out authentic communities for safety, pride and respect.  And people in America should be able to do this freely without being exploited, judged, watched, or compared.  Communities overlap and the geopolitics therein get a little tricky.  When you live in a city with so many different influences, cultures, and hang ups the fog of the ideological war muddles up everyone’s intentions.  I think we retreat to the sanctity of our own communities because they understand the narrative and context best.  I’ve been welcomed into many communities that aren’t my own.  But my circle is pretty small these days.  Mostly because for all the care and attention I apply to the concept of community, I’m often left out to fend for myself here in my bachelor Castle of Doom.  Communities do consolidate power for better or for worse.  Just like rich people hoard money and dodge taxes.  Communities have their own cultural queues and signifiers.  Communities in America have increasingly become more like tribes in the economic desert.  Impenetrable communes at war with myopic definitions and hidden rules that are meant to keep people out for resource sake.  So much so that the Road Warrior doesn’t seem like science fiction to me from personal experience.  

It was the great poet Lord Humungus who may have set it best.  Just walk away.  Safe passage in the wasteland they said.  Be your own boss.  Own your sexuality and answer for your horny crimes.  Shit, I don’t even know where to begin when it comes to where I belong in all of this.  For me things have become equally obfuscated and easy to understand at the same time.  I’m more of an anarchist these days than I would like to admit.  I don’t really want to be on Tucker Carlson’s radar.  Simply because everyone is looking for something to label you as so they can pass an easier judgement on you.  People want you to identify so they can fit you into whatever conversational hole they wish to project at you.  I run into my neighbors all the time.  I treat people like people.  Simply because I’ve been treated enough like shit to know I don’t want anyone else to experience that.  I don’t really want revenge.  I want all this nonsense to stop getting in the way of my pursuit of life, liberty and happiness.  And the constant arguing and debate team every step of the way is troubling.  It’s people with a beaten down sense of self confidence proving themselves in the arena of mob rule.  For all the chest beating online on twitter or facebook people are kind of shook in the streets.  It is a winner take all mentality.  And even the more valid sides of the fight have taken to dirty tactics leaving some of us in the middle of an absolute shit show.  Par for the course if you ask me.  There are plenty of opportunities to be the hero these days.  Not many to be acknowledged as one.  You can be you and still support people that think differently.  I had a dream about guns last night.  I don’t own a gun.  That’s not the right choice for a person like me.  It doesn’t mean I can make a sweeping generalization for the rest of America.  Neither do I actually care to.  I’m cis.  I don’t spend my time psychoanalyzing or judging gender or sexuality other than my own biases towards it.  This is to treat people better and learn respectful communication.  Communication is a two way street.  And some communication is blocked, obfuscated or hidden for it’s own protection.  It can also be self serving.  Some of my closest friends are behind infinite onion layers of identities.  Layers of firewalls that I pirouette through like a whirling dervish just to show I still care deeply.  We take the time to show love.  We take the time to understand the obstacles.  And we have patience to understand that we have to sacrifice things sometimes for the sake of change.  Make no mistake the way I see things on my own is fucked.  I am part of a community here on Tumblr.  A much wider community.  There are times when I don’t fit in.  When it’s not about me or you or whoever behind the screen.  It’s what we connect to and how we learn to respect each other as human beings first.  Not as names.  Or fame.  Who we really are behind all of this doesn’t really matter as much as the content and ideas we share.  Community has it’s own memory and it’s own duty to hold things sacred.  Some larger communities do a totally shitty job of understanding the needs of their ideological neighbors.  And passion, pride, and lack of patience can burn bridges more quickly than building them.  There are times when you realize you are part of a community that doesn’t honor your identity at the core.  Sometimes it’s worse.  You find you aren’t welcome in a community for whatever reason.  If you are an abuser this is a safety issue and not really up for argument or discussion.  But sometimes its far less deserving.  And it’s a game of musical chairs to understand where you fit in and where you aren’t welcome.  For me I’m part Swedish and also a minimalist in nature.  Just look at Ikea and my habit of rearranging furniture.  I grew more inward this year in terms of who I trust.  Now it’s just me and a small percentage of screen names that might be owned by the same person or people.  I identify them as my closest friends.  

The thing about community I’ve learned over the years is that it can always be infiltrated.  Trust can always be broken.  We find we don’t belong to the bigger picture because motives are out of place.  We long to just be normal and accepted for that.  It’s exhausting to have to identify every time you walk out the door.  I identify as human.  Mostly I identify as Tim.  Freedom in America is best summed up by a quote by my favorite person in the world.  She’s from China.  She said once she loved New York because it was the only place where she felt free to cry in public without anybody prying into why.  I’m paraphrasing.  But that shit has stuck with me like a knife for years.  That isn’t what America is about right now.  It’s almost like it’s looking for victims.  Looking for signs of weakness to trick into a confidence game.  It’s a setup on every corner.  A prank waiting to happen.  A constant obstacle to your main quest.  And this isn’t what America is about.  At least not the way I live it.  I don’t think I solve the situation with more policing.  I don’t think I solve it by doing anything other than continuing to live free. The challenge here in America is constantly evolving as it is around the world.  America’s idea of free isn’t always well thought out.  It’s riddled with paradoxes.  And yet this is all I really have.  I’ve seen enough people stalking me in the streets with shirts emblazoned with messages.  Freedom isn’t free.  Penetrate the world.  Blue lives matter.  Make seven up yours.  I’ve made statements too and found myself more and more alone.  And then I’ve started to realize geographically what’s worth fighting for.  I’m tied to an address.  That’s the address where the government sends my ballots and rejects my state taxes at.  That’s the address where the utilities are in my name and I pay my rent on time.  Sometimes even a month ahead.  I’m fiscally responsible for once in my life.  I’ve conquered years of societal glue that held me to mediocre and half assed standards.  I’m a diamond in the rough except I’m not really all the rough.  I’ve stood up for people who aren’t like me so much that I feel more isolated and weird every day.  And I learn that sometimes it’s better to shy away from places where you aren’t welcome than to make a scene.  I am stuck in my little hole here.  If the answer were getting out there and networking, I’d ask people to look at my passport.  It’s not good enough for the state to acknowledge as proof of my identity.  But I spent a lot of money going back and forth to Asia trying to do just that.  And I paid off all that debt awhile ago.  I know the world is bigger than me.  And I believe sometimes people think they’ve travelled the world in their computer.  They’re the authority on everything.  And here is the problem with freedom in America.  The authority isn’t always right.  This is why we seek out communities.  For democracy.  For peer review.  To have our narrative understood and respected.  And we need communities to be more about democracy and less about autocratic reactions to a zero sum game.  I think it’s okay to not be part of something you don’t belong.  And I also think it’s okay to respect people’s wishes to seek out where they do.  But we have to learn to live together in America despite of this.  And well this would require us as Americans to really look the beast in the eye.  And doing that alone is scary.  I should know.  I do it every day.  So much so that I’m literally not fucking around with much of anything other than what’s easy enough to read.  Even when it’s easy to read it doesn’t mean it’s done in earnest.  I can only really worry about the things I hold intimate and secret.  The creative culture I’ve salvaged with my bare hands.  I really don’t care if you don’t get who I am.  But I want you to know I care about the world being free.  At least for the people I care about.  If you ever catch yourself crying in public just remember I’m right there over your shoulder cheering you on.  I’ll fight for your right to cry about it and scare off anybody who interferes.  That’s just who I am and nobody will know or even acknowledge me by name.  Sometimes I do feel like a ghost.  I’m not trying to walk through walls people set up for protection.  But I will break down the barriers people put up to keep us from living together.  <3 Tim

[setsfiretohistory]

8 13 34 Have a wonderful day 💕💕💕😚

thank you, darling!!!! hope you’re having a wonderful day, too  💖💖💖

eight: what gif trend do you hate

i don’t really enjoy dwelling on hate lmao so there isn’t anything i’m like actively against in terms of making gifs, but it used to suck so bad when the limit was under 3mb. we were living in hard times skdfhskdjhfsjhdf 

thirteen: where or from whom did you learn how to gif

i learned from tumblr!! i read a bunch of tutorials by resource blogs and other gif makers back in 2012 and i just kept practising and here we are years later and im still having photoshop crash on me in 2020

thirty-four: a set that took you a long time/was really hard but you’re really proud of how it came out

OH MY GOD LISTEN THERE ARE ....... SO MANY 

i. the netflix set was CHAOS from start to finish but i had SO much fun making it and i was really excited to post it :’) the amount of serotonin my brain cells got when i finished it..... chef’s kiss truly

ii. i have a love hate relationship with the walls / lights up parallels set .,,,,,,, it was SUCH a pain in the ass to colour bc lights up is an abysmally badly lit video but i ALWAYS feel better about it when i remember that @kindofsharethat said this about it:

like that’s exactly what i was trying to do when i made it and the fact that hayley actually thought i pulled it off was skdjfhkshdfkshkdfh i can’t explain how giddy i was when i read this 

iii. MY BABY THE HEARTBREAK WEATHER SET !! shout out to niall for never failing to give us the music we deserve. i couldn’t believe he sang ‘dancing to bruno’ and i had actual tangible footage of hl just...... DOING that.... FOR FREE............. unbelievable, frankly. the “we were driving around in the dark” gif was the first time i ever tried to make a manip and that was a wild ride skfjskdfhskdf i was inspired by the one and only legend @lickboo for that one 💕 

iv. the lucky set, my darling child. i love her dearly. this one wasn’t like technically difficult or anything like that but it took me AGES to find the videos for the first and fifth gifs. this post literally only came into being by the grace of @2tiedships2 you absolute ICON!!! 💗 i’ll never stop thanking you 

v. that time i made a set dedicated to marina’s larriest song of all, soft to be strong. the ninth gif alone took longer than the rest of the other gifs combined, im pretty sure lmaoooo but im just so so happy i got to juxtapose marina’s lyric about being sincere with aimh. marina and hl live in my heart rent free and that’s the way i want to live my life

vi. the only purple set i’ve ever done because it is so incredibly difficult to find one direction footage you can convincingly make purple. it took me days just to figure out which videos would actually look okay together. but i do like how it turned out, and it pushed me out of my comfort zone (blues and cyans ksfkshdksdf) which is always a good thing!!

vii. the magnum opus of song idea anon’s requests !!!! it was one of the first songs they sent me and im so grateful they did because i never would’ve heard it otherwise. i probably spent two weeks on this all together and i enjoyed every second of it. how wild is it that ‘if life is a movie’ actually applies to them so accurately, given they’ve been in several movies skfhksjhdkshdf 

viii. the let’s get married set was very much a labour of love. it was the first time i played with the text layer fade so that the new lyrics showed up when the next scene of the gif started playing and i worked so hard to make the footage correspond to the message. also i kept hurting my own feelings bc thinking about harry and louis and marriage is ................. A Lot 

ix. my love: the rainbow set. it took me so long because i really wanted to get it as vibrant as possible and i just had to sort of work around orange bc harry and louis are oompa loompas sometimes and i couldn’t increase the orange tones without making their faces look ridiculous lmao so i picked up a paint brush instead and it worked out in the end. this set means a lot to me emotionally, by virtue of the rainbow, but also because of what harry and louis mean to me in general. there’s a piece of my soul in those gifs, so i come back to them a lot. 

x. another one inspired by my song idea anon !! i experimented the entire way through this one and i learned a lot from it. gradients and hue saturation and just playing around with colours in general!! also, jp cooper’s lyrics are SO high hl energy it’s almost like he’s in cahoots with tyler knott gregson lmao i love it

xi. miss black and white !!!!!!! again, niall gave me rights, and i used them to have a breakdown over harry and louis as per usual sdfjskdjfksjhdf this one was brilliant bc i love the whole black and white wedding concept (so i didn’t have to colour nine gifs. absolutely incredible feeling. b&w gifs are so forgiving) but i knew i wanted something bright for the ‘gorgeous colours’ lyric and what better than baby boyfriends during x factor :’) and i couldn’t have made it without @louislorde who tracked down the video for the second gif. i’ll never be able to thank them enough 💞 xii. MY SWEETHEART HABIT.MP3, when i made you photoshop crashed on me when i was ten gifs in and hadn’t been able to save any psds. it was an absolute nightmare. TEN gifs. they were ALL 540px wide AND high. thank goodness they were mostly black and white, so i didn’t lose a whole day’s worth of colouring, but holy fuck was that stressful. im absolutely going to remake the come so far from princess park gif now that we have wmyb in 4k, so hopefully that goes well sdkhfksdjhf 

questions for gif makers ✨

[jeanvaljean24601]

Full-Frame Showdown: Canon R5, Panasonic S1H, and Sony a7 IIICanon, Panasonic, and Sony.

Japanese camera makers that have played a huge part in major advances in video production over the last 20 years. While they have lost some ground at the top end to innovators like RED, and to market leaders like ARRI, they are massively dominant in the budget range most of us can afford. And for the first time in a long, long time they have relatively comparable cameras in their lineup. The reason why it's the first time in a long time goes back to the beginning of the DSLR/mirrorless revolution. Each company really targeted different markets. Sony was ahead of the game in moving towards full-frame mirrorless back in 2014 with its Alpha line. At the same time, Canon was still pushing hard on DSLR cameras with an internal mirror system that could adapt to PL mount, and Panasonic was out with the very popular, but smaller sensor GH line of cameras. Not only was Sony out early with full-frame mirrorless, they then came out with the  a7S II which was a huge hit among filmmakers for its high resolution and great low light performance. For nearly a decade, the three giants were competing in different spaces. Panasonic was up against Olympus and Fujifilm for the MFT market, Canon was up against Nikon for the DSLR market, and Sony had full-frame all to itself. That almost changed two years ago with the release of the RF line from Canon, a series of full-frame mirrorless cameras built around a brand new lens mount. But the resolution wasn't exciting. It was a 4K crop, and it just didn't sing to filmmakers. In 2019, Panasonic generated a ton of buzz with the LUMIX DC-S1H, a very filmmaker-focused full-frame mirrorless offering that shot 6K video, could do RAW over HDMI, 4K up to 60fps, and created very pleasing images. Combined with the same color science and log format as the very popular VariCam line of cameras made this an especially appealing choice for filmmakers who frequently rented or even owned that larger cinema platform. If you were on a VariCam show, you could feel comfortable using the  S1H as a C camera or for crash setups. Now Canon is catching up with the EOS R5, which is targeted towards filmmakers with a completely new sensor that is able to shoot 8K internal RAW footage. Now all the big players have options that are broadly in competition with each other. The Canon  R5 does 8K RAW internally. You can shoot 6K on the  S1H, but to get RAW you need an external recorder. For Sony, the current "filmmaker" camera is the  a7 III, which tops out at 4K. In truth, though, we don't care about the resolution number as an end in itself. The key is not the resolution of the file that is created, but the actual measurable perceivable resolution of the final image. If when projected on a movie screen you can't see any resolution difference between the 6K and 8K, then does it really matter? Canon currently is ahead based on the 8K number, but we're going to wait for real-world side-by-side testing with the cameras to see what actually passes the most information along. 8K also requires lenses to actually resolve 8K, which might not even matter if you are shooting with a vintage cinema lens. If you are picking this camera and hoping to shoot with a set of old Super Speed primes or the even older and softer Cooke Speed Panchros, you may not see any difference in resolution at the camera level. Canon has Dual Pixel Autofocus II on the EOS R5 that uses "deep learning" to identifying subjects. Autofocus development is likely going to be one of the key battlegrounds between the cameras. This is vital since Sony has gotten a major lead going in autofocus with some truly impressive results. Autofocus that actually feels like a tool filmmakers might really appreciate makes the a7 III very appealing. Panasonic has a whole host of lenses custom-built for the S1H but hasn't pushed its autofocus hard. While this shouldn't be the main reason a filmmaker chooses a camera, it can be a lifesaver in an interview setup with a subject who keeps leaning forward and back, for instance. If autofocus is a key decider for you, you should focus your attention on who's really ahead of the pack: Canon and Sony. Panasonic S1H As a reminder, in the end, you can make most cameras look like anything. As Steve Yedlin points out, there is so much power in post-processing that a lot of what we talk about when we discuss camera color science is just "wine language." However, color science does matter somewhat on smaller jobs when you won't have much time in post. If you are shooting something where you won't be invited to post, or where it will be online the next day, or even later that night, you want pleasing color straight out of the camera. This category, to me, leans towards Panasonic and Canon. Sony has traditionally had the strangest color science choices, with greens looking a bit off and skin tones a bit shifted towards the orange as well. It's improved over the years, but footage from the FX9 still looks a bit too saturated in the greens for me, and the a7 III fits in that space as well. The first Sony camera to really look good in this area was VENICE. Compare that to Panasonic, who has done an amazing job rolling down the VariCam look into an affordable package. For that alone, Panasonic wins the color competition. While Canon looks quite nice out of the gate, its look is the "look of YouTube," and while it's pleasing, it's very associated with vlogging and the DIY space. Based on footage seen so far, the S1H is the winner here to me. It was also the first  Netflix approved mirrorless camera, despite Sony having had 4K cameras available for several years prior. Panasonic felt like a real contender with its 4K 60fps, but the Canon R5 stomps it with a 4K 120fps shooting mode. If you are doing sports, action, or even a certain kind of narrative filmmaking, that 120fps is going to be killer. Sony is carrying the rear here with only 30fps in 4K mode from the a7 III. But that will most likely change with the up-coming a7S III. Canon uses the proprietary RF mount. Sony uses the proprietary E mount. Panasonic uses the open format L mount, part of the L-mount alliance with Leica and Sigma. While that isn't the biggest industry group, I tend to prefer open formats to closed formats, and that has some appeal. However, the E mount has a more robust lens offering at the moment than either RF or L. If you need to shoot today, and you need a lot of lens choices, E mount is the way to go. But then again, most lenses can be adapted. h96 max x3The only reasonable conclusion I can make is that it's a good time to be a filmmaker looking for a camera around $4,000. There are three very strong choices that are going to give you amazing images no matter what. If you already shoot a lot of VariCam, the S1H is the obvious choice. But the R5 deserves a lot of attention and testing for its new autofocus, IBIS, and 8K RAW, which is a real game-changer at this price point. Sony isn't out of the game by any means with its arsenal of lens choices and famous low light quality. It will come down to what your personal expectations and preferences are in a camera. h96 max tv boxSo which one makes the most sense for you?

[agitatxr]

home movies

@hraunwyf u dared me

TW: abuse, rape, etc. i dialed back the details more than my original draft of this a long time ago but read at your own discretion.

synop: lester is dead, norman is elated, and loki’s the last to find out.

She’s not expecting him and it immediately puts her on edge. He’s whistling as he walks into the room and Loki tries her best to keep her stomach from dropping at the sound. She puts on her best smile, stretching a leg out on the sofa and cupping her glass of wine between two fingers as if she hasn’t a care in the world. 

Of course, it’s the farthest thing from the truth. 

Lester jumped ship. She’d known it was coming, but part of her...well, a lot of her had hoped the two of them would have found a way to do it together. It wasn’t to be, and he couldn’t take it any more and she couldn’t bring herself to force him to stay trapped along with her. No matter how much his presence inside this gilded tower brought her comfort, got her through those nights with the Goblin. It didn’t even matter if he was near, just knowing he was in the building was enough. 

“You’ll figure it out,” he’d said, bag slung over his shoulder as he pulled his ball cap down low. ���So will I. I’ll be back, and we’ll get set up somewhere. I ain’t sayin�� it’s gonna be nice,  but it sure as shit won’t be here.”

It’s been a month since then, and she’s not heard anything from him. It’s almost like he dropped off the face of the earth entirely, and she has to force herself at times from thinking about the things that could have gone wrong, lest it consume her entirely. 

“I have a special surprise for you,” Norman says, pausing to pour himself a scotch before pulling a disc out of his suit pocket. “I know you haven’t seen the news lately since, well, I haven’t let you, but I thought it time you, ah...got brought up to speed.” 

Loki’s blood runs cold. She knows, somehow, this will not be good. 

Norman takes his suit jacket off, tossing it over the back of the chair and undoing his tie with one hand, using the other to take a large swallow of his drink. It feels entirely smooth going down, but perhaps that’s just because of his own good mood. He inserts the disc into the player, turning the TV on and then sitting at the end of the bed. He motions for Loki to join him, a simple point-and-snap with his fingers, as if he were giving a command to a dog. 

She downs the last of her wine, wishing she had time for more, the nagging feeling in her gut telling her she’s going to need it as she rises from the sofa. She bides a few seconds by pretending to smooth wrinkles out of her dress and goes to sit beside Norman on the bed. He catches her with one arm, forcing her into his lap. He drains the rest of his drink, stretching around her to toss the glass back onto the bar top before hitting play on the remote. 

A reporter appears on the screen, in the upper right hand corner a blurry picture of a black-suited Daredevil. 

“In an unexpected and quite frankly, unprecedented event just hours ago, it appears that the long feud between the Devil of Hell’s Kitchen and his arch enemy, the mercenary known only as Bullseye, has finally reached it’s end.” 

Loki’s heart skips a beat, and Norman can feel it. He has one arm locked around her, his hand settled between her breasts, holding her in place and the other tracing circles on her thigh, toying at the hem of her dress. He hits pause on the remote. 

“Told you he was coming back, didn’t he?” he breathes into her ear, the mockery in his voice vile and dripping from each word. “And you believed him.” 

He hits play, and the reporter comes back to life as he slips his hand between her legs.

“We warn you, the following footage is largely unedited, and may be disturbing to some viewers.” 

The video, unedited aside from being partially stitched together from different cameras, shows the tail end of a fight between Lester and Daredevil. He’s back in his old costume, and for a brief moment Loki’s heart swells to be able to see him as she should be. 

The feeling doesn’t last long. 

Loki isn’t sure what the sound that comes out of her mouth is, partly because it’s drowned out by Norman’s raucous laughter. The fight, and video ends with Daredevil impaling Lester in the chest on his own weapons. The only saving grace is the lack of audio, she can’t hear the air escape his lungs, she can’t hear the sound of the blades piercing through his heart and lungs. 

Yet still, she sees. 

She sees the blood pour from his mouth, drip down onto the glass roof the pair are perched on. She sees somehow, perhaps because she knows his eyes better than anyone else, the life leave them behind. 

She tries to turn away but Norman grabs her cheeks in a vice, turning her head back to the TV as he replays the video again. 

“And you believed him,” he hisses. She’s unable to stop the tears from streaking down her face. His grip gets tighter when he feels the wetness on his fingers and he tucks his arm under her legs, awkwardly throwing her farther up the bed. 

“I knew the two of you would get what you deserved,” he says, kicking his shoes off. The video of Lester dying continues to play on a loop unassisted behind him. “I knew I just had to wait long enough.”

Any time she tries to look away, he makes sure she’s facing forward. Even when he pins her face to the mattress, he makes sure she’s forced to look into the television screen. The tears don’t last long, quickly being replaced by a void-like emptiness. It’s what always happens when he does this, at least almost. She’s disappeared inside herself before, when he’s disappeared inside her, but this is different. 

She’s never had to block out Norman’s physical assaults while watching her real lover die in all the glory that is 4k TV before. It’s never lasted this long before. He keeps it playing, over and over and over while he pounds into her over and over and over. 

He leaves bruises and scratches and welts behind and by the time the sun is coming up and he’s finally putting his pants back on, Loki is on her back, head facing the TV, dress ripped and tattered into pieces, the frozen image of Lester’s impalement beginning to reflect the glare of the sun coming into the window. 

There’s bodily fluids caked between her legs, and semen dried and sticky in her hair, and two dark vacant circles where her eyes used to be. 

“I’ll assume we have a new understanding,” Norman says, adjusting his tie in the mirror. “Which speaking of, the Avengers, or what’s left of them now, are expected at a benefit tonight. You will be there. I suggest the red dress I like.” 

The door clicks shut behind him, and Loki doesn’t move. 

She doesn’t know if she’ll ever move again. 

One cannot just get up and walk around when their heart has been ripped out of their chest, after all. 

[mrmichaelchadler]

Home Entertainment Consumer Guide: October 4, 2018

10 NEW TO NETFLIX

"Billy Madison" "Blade II" "Blazing Saddles" "Chappaquiddick" "The Devil's Advocate" "The Green Mile" "Monty Python's Life of Brian" "Mountain" "Mystic River" "The Shining"

7 NEW TO BLU-RAY/DVD

"Andrei Rublev" (Criterion)

It's funny how classic directors can ebb and flow into the national conversation. I feel like I've heard Andrei Tarkovsky's name more in 2018 than in many recent years. Some years everyone thinks everything is "Hitchockian" or "Kubrickian." Perhaps Film Twitter is expanding its auteur vocabulary because I've seen several recent films, including "Annihilation" and "High Life," compared to Tarkovsky's work. Did Criterion somehow know this was going to happen, thereby timing their HD upgrade of his epic "Andrei Rublev" for late September? Probably not, but you never know. As for the release, it's a beauty, including both versions of the film, a few documentaries, and new interviews. Some of the Criterion upgrades are merely that (imports of special features with an HD transfer) but this is more like a brand new release. After all, Andrei Tarkovsky has never been hotter.

Buy it here 

Special Features New high-definition digital restoration of the director’s preferred 183-minute cut, with uncompressed monaural soundtrack on the Blu-ray The Passion According to Andrei, the original 205-minute version of the film Steamroller and Violin, Tarkovsky’s 1961 student thesis film The Three Andreis, a 1966 documentary about the writing of the film’s script On the Set of “Andrei Rublev,” a 1966 documentary about the making of the film New interviews with actor Nikolai Burlyaev and cinematographer Vadim Yusov by filmmakers Seán Martin and Louise Milne New interview with film scholar Robert Bird Selected-scene commentary from 1998 featuring film scholar Vlada Petric New video essay by filmmaker Daniel Raim New English subtitle translation PLUS: An essay by critic J. Hoberman

"Leave No Trace"

Debra Granik's first film since "Winter's Bone" remains one of my favorites of 2018 and loses none of its remarkable power on second viewing at home. It's just as phenomenal as I remember when I saw it at Sundance. This is a gentle, truthful tale about a father and daughter growing apart, a division deepened by his severe PTSD. Thomasin Harcourt McKenzie gives one of the most genuine performances of the year, and Ben Foster nearly matches, finding a more subtle register than the one for which he's most well-known. This is a beautiful movie, one that I hope everyone gets a chance to see.

Buy it here 

Special Features Creating Leave No Trace - Featurette Deleted Scenes Behind the Scenes Vignettes Location Scout Photo Gallery

"The Naked Prey" (Criterion)

Academy Award nominee Cornel Wilde stars in this adventure film, which he also directed and produced, reportedly based on the life of John Colter, an explorer chased by Blackfoot warriors in Wyoming. The script for "Naked Prey" was Oscar-nominated but if you're thinking this is a relatively obscure choice for Criterion, especially when compared to the other two films in this column, you're not wrong. The company often includes at least one film a month that you probably haven't heard of or at least haven't seen in a very long time, to go with it's more widely-acknowledged collection of classics. Such is the case with "Naked Prey," a film that reportedly earned mixed reviews on its release but is now considered influential both in its focus and brutality. Roger himself was not a fan.   Buy it here 

Special Features Restored high-definition digital transfer, with uncompressed monaural soundtrack on the Blu-ray Audio commentary from 2007 by film scholar Stephen Prince “John Colter’s Escape,” a 1913 record of the trapper’s flight from Blackfoot Indians—which was the inspiration for The Naked Prey—read by actor Paul Giamatti Original soundtrack cues created by director Cornel Wilde and ethnomusicologist Andrew Tracey, along with a written statement by Tracey Trailer PLUS: An essay by film critic Michael Atkinson and a 1970 interview with Wilde

"A Raisin in the Sun" (Criterion)

When Lorraine Hansberry wrote A Raisin in the Sun in the '50s, do you think she had any idea it would become a staple of American theater, and regularly adapted for film and television? The play has really stood the test of time, and it's still produced in near-constant rotation around the country, but Criterion has gone with the original, and still-best, film production of it, starring Sidney Poitier, Ruby Dee, Claudia McNeil, Diana Sands, and Louis Gossett Jr. Regular readers of this column know that I'm always curious about the timing of Criterion releases. So why "Raisin" now? Well, it's clear that the themes of the play still resonate today, and perhaps the company is responding to criticism that their collection is largely full of white filmmakers telling white stories. Whatever the reason, "A Raisin in the Sun" remains essential to the story of American theatre in the '50s and '60s and this is a great way to bring this seminal work to a wider audience.

Buy it here

Special Features New, restored 4K digital transfer, with uncompressed monaural soundtrack on the Blu-ray Interview from 1961 with playwright/screenwriter Lorraine Hansberry New interview with Imani Perry, author of Looking for Lorraine Episode of Theater Talk from 2002 featuring producer Philip Rose and actors Ruby Dee and Ossie Davis Excerpt from Black Theatre: The Making of a Movement (1978), with a new introduction by director Woodie King Jr. New interview with film scholar Mia Mask, coeditor of Poitier Revisited Interview from 2002 with director Daniel Petrie Trailer PLUS: An essay by scholar Sarita Cannon and author James Baldwin’s 1969 tribute to Hansberry, “Sweet Lorraine”

"Solo: A Star Wars Story"

If you ask a certain sector of the movie-going public, they'll tell you that "Solo: A Star Wars Story" was a massive bomb. They'll claim that negative feelings about "Star Wars: The Last Jedi" caused a backlash against "Solo" and the box office reflected that, leading to the lowest-grossing "Star Wars" film of the modern era (and that includes the prequels). The truth is that "Solo" likely wasn't as impacted by "TLJ" as it was over-saturation. There was a time when a "Star Wars" movie was an event, which is inherently more difficult when one is practically still playing in theaters as a new one comes out. There's also the fact that, sorry, "Solo" isn't very good. One can see the struggle behind the scenes that led to Ron Howard being brought in to helm the pic, and the result is a film that's only sporadically entertaining (and horribly under-lit). The Blu-ray is solid, as they often are for "Star Wars" films, but I think the lesson to take from "Solo" is that any universe loses its luster if we visit it too often and the best thing this franchise could do after "Episode IX" would be to go away for a little while. Absence makes the Wookie heart grow fonder.

Buy it here 

Special Features Solo: The Director & Cast Roundtable Team Chewie  Kasdan on Kasdan  Remaking the Millennium Falcon  Escape from Corellia  The Train Heist  Becoming a Droid: L3-37  Scoundrels, Droids, Creatures and Cards: Welcome to Fort Ypso  Into the Maelstrom: The Kessel Run  Deleted Scenes The Millenium Falcon: From Page to Park

"Three Identical Strangers"

2018 has been an amazing year for documentaries. Films like "RBG," "Won't You Be My Neighbor?," and now "Free Solo" have become surprising arthouse hits, finding devoted fans. I'm hoping that the trend brings people to one of the best docs of the year, a hit at Sundance and the Chicago Critics Film Festival earlier this year, "Three Identical Strangers." This is one of those WTF documentaries that keeps unfolding new secrets and revelations as it progresses. Without spoiling anything, the craziest part of this story is not what you think it is. It's not merely that three identical triplets found each other after years apart. There's more to this tale than any writer could possibly devise. Check it out and see for yourself. 

Buy it here 

Special Features Audio Commentary with Director Tim Wardle and Editor Michael Harte Q&A with David Kellman, Robert Shafran, Brenda Galland, Ellen Cervone, and Director Tom Wardle Photo Gallery Trailer

"X-Men Trilogy"

The MCU may be thriving but the "X-Men" franchise is in a weird phase. The "Dark Phoenix" trailer dropped last week only for the movie's release date to then be pushed back. People just don't seem as excited about "X-Men" as they used to be, but that shouldn't stop superhero fans from going back to the beginning, Bryan Singer's wildly influential first film about Wolverine, Storm, Magneto, and company. Christopher Nolan gets a lot of credit for influencing where the market is now, but Sam Raimi and Bryan Singer deserve just as much, if not more, for creating the templates for the modern superhero movie. The first two films in this trilogy are phenomenal, and they hold up beautifully in these new 4K editions. The third film? It was horrible then and it's horrible now, another film that can be used as a template for what NOT to do in the superhero genre. 

Buy it here

Special Features Audio Commentaries Behind-the-Scenes Footage Deleted/Extended Scenes The Mutant Watch Animatics Character and Production Design Stills

from All Content https://ift.tt/2IEsQSy

[aconboyindependent2021]

P8 Project Proposal for ‘Then & Now’

Concept

My project juxtaposes a hospital with its past incarnation as a workhouse. The film re-imagines the past and the present intertwined by using visual and audio cues to communicate transitions. This will be explored in a similar manner to Poltergeist (1982) and The Stone Tape (1972) where past evil resonates from a cruel history into the present time. It contrasts the harsh regime of past years with the site’s present role as a hospital, investigating how peoples’ experiences helped engender calls for a real welfare state, and how some current policies represent an unwelcome return to ‘Victorian Values’ and stigmatization of the poor.

It also takes inspiration from the film Gaslight (1944): while I have not seen the film fully, I am aware of the premise and how it coined the term “gaslighting”: manipulating someone by calling their sanity into question. I use gaslighting because that was what Agatha and many others went through on a regular basis: the workhouse and (and society as a whole) constantly told people like Agatha that just because they were born in poverty, they did not deserve basic human needs such as a family, decent foods and sanitary homes.

Context

The process that brought me to this point involves Lockdown: being (mostly) confined to home gave me an opportunity to learn about how the hospital near The Edge where I live was originally the site of a workhouse. I am also interested in social history in how people viewed poverty, mental illness and medicine in the past and present. I am interested in how people tell their stories with their lives effected by social history and how this plays out.

Rationale

My influences by previous films I made around the macabre such as Monsters, and even lighter films such as A Time & A Place For Imagination and Fine On The Outside (having bittersweet elements and tones). In Locked Up in Lockdown, I suggested that the documentary genre is full of subjectivity, so I make no excuses for this film’s subjectivity. I work with sombre moods and writing for creative expression, allowing me to experiment with the photography, video, voice-over and sound.

Methodology

I plan to continue visiting the workhouse site over coming weeks, to determine suitable locations and ideas for visuals and note these in blog entries. I will use my 4K phone camera (last time I will do this before the third year on Moving Image) among other high-quality cameras at home able to to film discretely since the site is patrolled by security guards, and then experiment with the processing of footage and accompanying audio. I will write the voice-over before recording and selecting testimony of a fictional past resident to read aloud.

Aesthetics  

Footage of Agatha’s “past” will be processed with a blend of full-colour, and sepia/monochrome filters- the film will also use special effects such as fade-outs, opacity, and transitions when necessary to animate.

The soundtrack will also consist of the sounds of workhouses (the workmaster shouting, rock breaking, the oppressed residents), as well as natural sounds such as rain, wind and crows. There may be snippets of dialogue from different characters but Agatha will still be the emotional and narrative centre. There will be haunting poetic narration from Agatha, explaining her plight, her despair of being separated from her baby, and her sometimes poetic viewpoint. Her sadness and anger will be tangible, and the emotion will build up into screaming and wailing - from her and the child, showcasing how the past can never can truly be erased, despite how much our attitudes have changed.

Technical Requirements

I will use high resolution video and stills cameras, microphone, a desktop computer with additional hard drive, Steinberg Nuendo audio software, Microsoft Word, Adobe Photoshop and Premiere to create, edit and process the film. I already have experience from all of the above programmes from working on other films.

[grittycommittee]

Why professionals deserve to be paid

Blog posts explaining the value of trained professionals in creative industries are already abundant online, but I need to vent as I’m getting increasingly frustrated while I’m stuck in career limbo.

Because of my exceedingly introverted nature and self-criticism (and imposter syndrome, and the NHS preventing my life from proceeding, and mental health problems etc etc), I am not good at networking or seeking out opportunities. However I love to help people, and my good nature has been easily exploited on numerous occasions.

"Filming something is easy, just prop your phone up and livestream the event on Facebook, why should I pay somebody hundreds to do it?"

Because the difference between the two final products will be night and day. You are not paying somebody to hit record and point a camera in auto mode in the general direction of the action – you are paying somebody who has spent years refining their expertise likely at great expense (personally, £45,000+ in student debt), who will provide specialist equipment that they have either invested in or rented (at great expense either way) to not only get the white balance right, and the exposure spot on so that highlights aren’t blown out but the image still has detail (and smoothly adjust while recording if needs be), and the constant critical focus adjustments, and the absolute undivided attention for hours on end (without even toilet breaks) to not only focus on the entire contents of the frame all the time but what’s happening outside the frame to potentially move to, on-the-fly composing aesthetically pleasing shot after shot as fluidly as possible, maintaining the ideal horizontal eyeline of the subject(s) without any half-bodies cut off at the sides of the shot. But of course, the product is still not yet finished, unlike a basic livestream.

After the event, the footage has to be stored indefinitely (another expense), and ideally backed-up (double the expense – it would roughly cost me just over £4 per hour of 4K video stored, which doesn't included the space also taken up by converted files and proxies etc. Doesn’t sound like much, but it adds up – I’ve spent over £500 so far on storage space for other people’s benefit), and, if needs be, conformed to match the framerate of other cameras potentially used (consuming more time and storage), and the external audio to be manually or automatically synced to each video file (time consuming), and, if it’s a complex or 4K edit, generating proxy files for faster editing (consuming yet more time and storage space), then trying to get psyched up to sit down for hours and hours at a time painstakingly editing something you’re not even being paid to do, coming back to it day after day with refreshed eyes and opinions on edit points, then the hours and hours of watching the project back in real-time, multiple times, noting down minor edit adjustments to commit because '95% of the way there' isn’t good enough, with such perfectionist high-standards causing endless frustrations and self-doubt of any talents or skills.

And personally, my heart isn’t in editing and it’s not my specialty. I can assemble a traditional edit, but I can’t do much with groovy digital effects and other more ‘creative’ editing. My heart is behind the camera. But, as a one-girl-band, I have to not only be the Director of Photography, but the First assistant camera, the Digital Imaging Technician, the Producer, the Director, the Editor, the Sound Recordist, the Sound Mixer, and the Colorist, as well as a few other roles that have slipped my mind. Hundreds and hundreds of hours of work simultaneously trying to juggle ~ten different roles. All for £0. Would you do that? Probably not. And I probably shouldn’t either, because it isn’t really getting me anywhere and it doesn’t help me feel like my work and effort holds any value. But as I said, I'm introverted and too good-natured so people walk all over me and I take what I can get...

I have the absolute bare minimum equipment for my base needs, which still cost several thousand pounds. Ideally, I’d expand my inventory with a much-needed fluid-head tripod (easily £400. Some fluid heads run over £10,000 without even legs included in the price), a desperately-needed focus assist monitor (~£470), a second camera body so that I can guarantee more than one angle without the stress of trying to find someone I can borrow a second camera from (£2,199), faster lenses for better low-light performance as well as more focal lengths covered (~£600-£1,000 per lens), a speedbooster lens mount adapter to get an extra f-stop and use Canon mount lenses (£150-£690 – either cheap new brand or the established industry go-to), a battery grip for uninterrupted recording (£45 for the knock-off, £270 for the OEM version), a gimbal for certain buttery-smooth shots adding ‘production value’ (£729, + £120 for the follow-focus). For those of you keeping count, it’s ultimately around £7,000 on top of the £3,000+ I’ve already invested.

If I had some, or ideally all, of the above equipment, I would feel more confident that I would be able to provide a service that people would see the value in paying for, and actively seek opportunities to further my career. Only having one camera body is extremely prohibitive for creatively covering an event (to differing degrees depending on the required outcome of the video), and I want to provide people with the very best possible outcome I can provide and achieve.

Ideally, I want to be working on projects with passionate crews, where I’m ideally the one conducting each shot, and everyone is getting paid reasonably for their particular specialities and time and working as a cohesive production unit. Instead, I’m doing everything for nothing and going nowhere because of it.

[dipulb3]

The Moto G Power is a phone battery behemoth that costs only $250

New Post has been published on https://appradab.com/the-moto-g-power-is-a-phone-battery-behemoth-that-costs-only-250/

The Moto G Power is a phone battery behemoth that costs only $250

The Moto G Power ($230 at Best Buy) is one of the newer members of the Motorola G budget phone family. It follows in the same steps as last year’s Moto G7 Power with both a wallet-friendly price and a gigantic battery. At its core, the $250 Moto G Power is similar to the more expensive Moto G Stylus ($270 at Amazon). (It’s sold as the Moto G8 Power in the UK for £220. It’s not available in Australia.) Both came at a time when sheltering in place meant many of us depended on our phones to stay connected with friends, family or work. Many of us still are. At the same time, millions of people are in financial distress and can’t afford a new phone or to replace a broken one, especially when new phones can cost upward of a thousand dollars.

Like

Long battery life so far

Headphone jack

Low Price

Macro camera is so much fun

Don’t Like

Video recording is rough

Photos suffer from noise

This is where Motorola stands out from the growing crowd of budget phones, by offering both an affordable price and premium features. That’s not to say that the Moto G Power isn’t without compromises. It doesn’t have an IP rating for dust and water resistance and it lacks wireless charging and NFC. But Motorola sensibly traded away such features to keep the price low.

Read: CNET’s in-depth review and comparison between the Moto G Fast and Moto E

Apple followed a similar formula with its new iPhone SE this spring, which omits features found in its higher-end phones such as the iPhone 11 ($699 at Amazon) and 11 Pro in order to hit a $399 price. That’s affordable for an iPhone, but it’s still a hundred and fifty bucks more than the Moto G Power.

If you’re on a budget and looking for a phone with an absolutely mind-blowing battery life, the Moto G Power deserves your consideration. Its 5,000-mAh battery is the same size as the one in the $800 LG V60 and the $1,400 Samsung Galaxy S20 Ultra. To use a different metric: You could buy five Moto G Power phones for the price of a single Galaxy S20 Ultra and use the money left over to take a loved one out to dinner.

Moto G Power vs. Moto G Stylus: Key differences

Moto G Power costs $250; the Moto G Stylus costs $300.

Moto G Stylus has a 4,000-mAh battery; the Moto G Power has a 5,000-mAh battery.

Moto G Power has 64GB of storage; the Moto G Stylus has 128GB of storage.

Aside from the macro camera, the Moto G Power and Moto G Stylus have different rear cameras.

Moto G Stylus has a built-in stylus.

Moto G Power comes in Smoke Black; the Moto G Stylus in Mystic Indigo.

The Moto G Power packs an enormous battery into a slick package

See all photos

Moto G Power has a hole-punch display

The Moto G Power has a 6.4-inch full HD display with a hole-punch that houses the selfie camera. The aesthetic is nice and gives the phone a premium look. It’s reminiscent of Samsung Galaxy phones and their hole-punch display.

It has a USB-C port for charging and a fantastic headphone jack. On the back is a fingerprint reader that doubles as the Motorola logo. It lacks wireless charging and doesn’t have an IP rating for dust or water resistance. It does have a “splash-proof” coating, however, that withstood being in standing puddles of water for several minutes when I was filming footage for a comparison video. But don’t take that as an endorsement to submerge the phone.

The Moto G Power comes with 64GB of storage and supports expandable storage up to 512GB. The phone comes in Smoke Black, which looks fine, though the finish collects more fingerprints than an investigator on CSI. But none of that matters if you’re planning on putting it in a case.

The screen is surrounded by thick bezels that are actually thinner than those on the iPhone 11. The forehead and chin are a bit chunky but at least Motorola got rid of the name on the bottom of the phone, which we saw on last year’s Moto G7.

Moto G Power performance and battery

The Moto G Power has a Snapdragon 665 processor, 4GB of RAM and runs Android 10 with a number of mostly helpful touches from Motorola. In our performance tests, it fared better than last year’s Moto G7, but still fell behind last year’s Google Pixel 3A and Samsung Galaxy A50 ($229 at Amazon).

Geekbench v.4.0 single-core

Note:

Longer bars indicate better performance

Geekbench v.4.0 multicore

Note:

Longer bars indicate better performance

In everyday use, I had no problem surfing the web or watching YouTube videos. I played PUBG with graphics set to “smooth” and the frame rate at medium and I had no problems. But when I played Alto’s Odyssey, sometimes animations stuttered.

I’m still running battery tests on the Moto G Power, which takes a while. Motorola promised that the phone would last up to three days of regular use on a single charge. During my time with the phone it lasted easily four days between charges. I should point out that last year’s Moto G7 Power, which also had a 5,000-mAh battery, lasted longer in our battery test than every other phone we reviewed in 2019.

Now playing: Watch this: Moto G Stylus vs. Moto G Power: Which budget phone you…

11:50

I’ll update this piece with final results and ratings when we finish running our video tests for battery life.

Moto G Power’s triple rear cameras

On the front is a 16-megapixel selfie camera which takes decent photos and video. It’s the same one found on the Moto G Stylus. The dynamic range isn’t the greatest, and the colors in video aren’t as accurate as they could be.

A selfie photo taken with the Moto G Power.

Patrick Holland/CNET

And then there are the rear cameras, which… can we acknowledge how cool it is to see a $250 phone with three rear cameras?! The Moto G Power has a 16-megapixel main wide-angle camera, an 8-megapixel ultrawide-angle camera and a macro camera all of which can be used for photos and videos.

The $250 Moto G power has a triple-rear camera

Patrick Holland/CNET

In good light, photos are decent, but pictures taken indoors or in low light are soft and noisy. The HDR mode works well to help the Moto G Power’s main camera punch above its weight and actually yielded a few decent snaps.

A shot from my backyard with HDR turned on.

Patrick Holland/CNET

There are a few of these flowers along the side of my house. The Moto G Power’s HDR captured the lush color of the scene.

Patrick Holland/CNET

Videos from the phone suffer from a limited dynamic range and have the contrast cranked up too high.

The macro camera, which allows you to take ridiculously close-up photos and videos, is one of my favorite features on the phone. I’m astonished at the macro photos the Moto G Power was able to get.

Here is the same flower as above taken with the macro camera.

Patrick Holland/CNET

But I want to manage your expectations: The camera system on the Moto G Power is fine for the price. But you can get the Google Pixel 3A, normally $399 for $300 right now. That’s just $50 more than the Moto G Power. The Power’s a better all-around phone, but if you’re into taking photos on your phone, the Pixel 3A deserves your consideration. 

Motorola Moto G Power specs compared to Moto G Stylus, Moto G7 Power, Moto G7

Motorola Moto G Power Motorola Moto G Stylus Motorola Moto G7 Power Motorola Moto G7 Display size, resolution 6.4-inch LCD; 2,300×1,080 pixels 6.4-inch LCD; 2,300×1,080 pixels 6.2-inch LCD; 1,520×720 pixels 6.2-inch LCD; 2,270×1,080 pixels Pixel density 399ppi 399ppi 271ppi 403ppi Dimensions (Inches) 6.29×2.98×0.38 in 6.24×2.98×0.36 in 6.28×2.99×0.37 in 6.18×2.96×0.31 in Dimensions (Millimeters) 159.85×75.8×9.63 mm 158.55×75.8×9.2 mm 159.43x76x9.3 mm 157×75.3×8 mm Weight (Ounces, Grams) 7.01 oz; 199 g 6.77 oz; 192 g 6.98 oz.; 198 g 6.07 oz.; 172 g Mobile software Android 10 Android 10 Android 9.0 Android 9.0 Camera 16-megapixel wide-angle, 2-megapixel macro, 8-megapixel ultra-wide angle 48-megapixel wide-angle, 2-megapixel macro, 16-megapixel ultra-wide angle 12-megapixel 12-megapixel, 5-megapixel Front-facing camera 16-megapixel 16-megapixel 8-megapixel 8-megapixel Video capture 4K 4K 1,080p 4K Processor Snapdragon 665 Snapdragon 665 1.8GHz octa-core Qualcomm Snapdragon 632 1.8GHz octa-core Qualcomm Snapdragon 632 Storage 64GB 128GB 32GB 64GB RAM 4GB 4GB 3GB 4GB Expandable storage Up to 512GB Up to 512GB Up to 512GB Up to 512GB Battery 5,000 mAh 4,000 mAh 5,000 mAh 3,000 mAh Fingerprint sensor Back Back Back Back Connector USB-C USB-C USB-C USB-C Headphone jack Yes Yes Yes Yes Special features Stylus, Action Cam Water repellent with P2i nano-coating; TurboPower charging Water repellent with P2i nano-coating; TurboPower charging Price off-contract (USD) $250 $300 $249 $299

First published on April 16.

[merriemelodie]

1, 16, 17, 28 and 50. :33

End of Year Meme

THANK YOU MY LOVE ALWAYS COMIN IN CLUTCH

[EDIT: This one gets REALLY LONG AND ANGRILY ANECDOTAL, so I put it under a Read More. I APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE]

Let’s hit it!!!

1.) First things first, did you have a good year?

…Right now, it feels like a pretty resounding “NO,” but that’s just my most recent history clouding the first half of the year or so. The first half was actually pretty great, personally speaking, and it’s laid the foundation for all of the good things that were (and are) to come. So, I guess, if I’m being completely fair, it was a solid “meh,” with both good and bad parts to it.

16.) What food did you try for the first time?

Wow, what a good question! I’m not always the most adventurous when it comes to food, so I’ll have to think about this one. Hm…

Well, I finally tried sweet potato casserole (which my aunt makes, without fail, for every major winter holiday), and HI I THINK I LOVE HER. So, uh, yeah! We’ll go with that!

17.) Did you make any big permanent changes this year?

Well, the first thing that comes to my mind is “I worsened my vocal damage, and done so to the degree that I may not be able to sing well ever again,” SO THERE’S THAT. I’d really like to find something positive, though. I guess it’s hard, because very little (in my perspective, anyway) truly proves itself to be permanent. I made some changes here and there (good and bad), but I don’t know how long they’ll last. I guess this might be a question I’ll be able to fully answer later on down the road.

28.) Did anyone/thing make you so mad it stayed with you for days?

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOH BOY. YES.  YES. VERY RECENTLY, ACTUALLY. BUCKLE IN, KIDS.

So, my family and I decided to spend Christmas at Walt Disney World this year; and, because we can’t let anything pass by without making it just a little bit weird, we decided to invite my mom’s ex-husband to come along, too. (He went with us on our last WDW trip, as well. I had #MixedFeelings about it then, and I had #MixedFeelings about it this time, too.) Here’s the dealy-deal with this guy: he was a MASSIVE DICK when he was married to my mom (to the point where she still has unresolved issues with him, but decides to invite him on a Disney vacation??? LOL SURE OKAY). Like, refused to communicate, conducted a quasi-affair, flat-out told her he didn’t love her, LOTS OF FUN STUFF. So, they divorced a few years back, and that was that. How we came back into each other’s lives a while later is another story, but living on his own for the past few years and whatnot truly did seem to bring about a change of heart in him—one that I welcomed, if only to stop the constant barrage of vitriol that I had to hear about him at home. 

The last WDW trip we took with him didn’t turn out that bad, if only a little uncomfortable for me (because he’s that guy that laughs at people for expressing genuine excitement over something, as opposed to doing so ~ironically~ or just flat-out snarking through everything. I can do both, but I don’t want to if I don’t have to. It just put me in a really weird spot, TBH. THAT’S BESIDES THE POINT THO). So, they went ahead and invited him on this trip, and I was like, “Well, it worked out last trip, and nobody wanted to kill each other, so I guess I can roll with this one.”

Well, as 2017 was wont to do, NOPE.

Here’s the other dealy-deal with this guy. He is a Republican™. Not a republican, a Republican™. We’re talking about a baby-boomer, boot-strap-puller-upper, global-warming-conspiracy-theorist, “PUT-GOD-BACK-IN-OUR-SCHOOLS”-er, wouldn’t-watch-Finding-Dory-because-there-was-a-lesbian-couple-in-it Republican™. The guy likely jerks off to Fox News, and spends the afterglow scrolling through Breitbart. I knew it (because the dude used to drive me places while BLARING Rush Limbaugh and loudly agreeing with everything, and even a14-year-old me with no interest in politics knew BS when I heard it). I had just hoped that, after some time spent apart (and with a heart that had, apparently, been softened in that time), he might choose to apply some of that new-found openmindedness towards other things.

N O P E

So, we’re going to Walt Disney World, right? There’s a show there at the Magic Kingdom called Hall of Presidents, right smack-dab in the middle of Liberty Square. Now, I don’t know if you know this, since there was absolutely no coverage about it at all (😒), but the show had been under refurbishment for a year or so to install A Certain Orange Person, now that That Certain Orange Person, thanks in part to the unaccredited Electoral College, gets to sit in the Oval Office—but now, it’s finally (and very recently) reopened.

Clearly, I don’t have to tell you what my feelings are about the whole thing (because, if you have a pulse, you can read, and you’ve been on my blog for more than 5 minutes, then you likely already know). You know without a doubt whose name was filled in on my ballot last November—or, at the very least, whose wasn’t.

I’m sure you also probably already know, then, exactly whose name was on the ballot of my mom’s ex-husband.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

(I’m suffering.)

Well, fast forward to CHRISTMAS ACTUAL DAY, and the trip’s almost over. Everyone’s getting on each other’s nerves a little bit more, and the pettiest parts of me are DELIGHTED by that (because that likely means I won’t need to continue to put my own discomfort about the guy on the back burner on any future vacations because HE AIN’T GON BE THERE). We’re sitting through CHRISTMAS ACTUAL DINNER; and, after delicately discussing how terrible the Certain Orange Person’s audio-animatronic seemed to look (something we all agreed upon, his “liberal Imagineer sabotage” conspiracy theory aside), I changed the subject and started joking about how I was going to stay in Orlando and submit my application for employment with the Walt Disney Company (which is also not that much a gag, tbh). Jokes about job interviews came up, and I said I’d find a nice pantsuit, and The Ex, inevitably, turns it into a Hillary Clinton joke, comparing me to her. I look him dead in the face, and say, “Welp, I’m choosing to take that as a compliment, since she has such a long, impressive resume.” 

(Like, there are things about Hillary that I very decidedly Do Not Like, but you can’t deny that she was more than qualified to hold the Office of the Presidency, given all the experience she’s had. That is a compliment to me.) 

The Ex looks at me, and goes, “Well, it wasn’t one.”

NICE AND FRIGID. WALKING IN A WINTER WONDERLAND, EVEN.

But I let it go, because this is my vacation, too, dammit, and as much as I’d LOVE to scream about politics (clearly. PLEASE VISIT MY BLOG SOMETIME), I wasn’t gonna crap on what was left of our time there—AND ON CHRISTMAS DAY, NO LESS. We finished the meal, he visited the restroom, I vented to the rest of my family about his political herd mentality and potential moral bankruptcy until he came back, and I promptly shut up once he was in earshot. That, I thought, would be that.

ALAS.

We’re in Liberty Square, we don’t have any place to be, and it’s one of the last times we’re going to be in the Magic Kingdom before we leave. What do we do that we hadn’t yet done?

What else? GO TO THE HALL OF PRESIDENTS.

GOD.

Okay, so, real quick, I’m gonna take this opportunity to give kudos to the Imagineers who worked on that refurb, because they upgraded the projectors/footage to 4K, AND IT WAS STUNNING. My ACTUAL BREATH was TAKEN AWAY. If they were pouring all their work into that, it’s understandable why they didn’t have that much manpower going towards not making 45 look like a dirty sweat sock. (But, again, the Petty Petty Salt Queen in me was also cackling at that, because BEAUTY IS AS BEAUTY DOES BINCH, so I let it ride.)

So, we’re in there, and we get through the really abridged (and surprisingly not too sanitized) montage on American history, which was moving and stuff. After that, we get to some iconic speech excerpts from Presidents past, one of which is Obama’s speech at the Edmund Pettus Bridge to commemorate the 50th anniversary of the Selma to Montgomery marches. This is a speech whose significance cannot be denied, and whose relevance has never been greater. It is inspirational, moving, and certainly one that deserves its place in the history books.

I’ve gotten more liberal with my profanity over the last year or so (and you can probably guess why), but I still very much hesitate to drop the F-bomb. Let that tell you everything, then, about this next phrase—and about my mom’s ex-husband:

During this impassioned, poignant, important speech about race relations, and equity, and perseverance, and the indomitable spirit of humanity, and how justice will prevail, this motherfucker starts booing.

Excuse me?

Look, I get that it’s been a rough fuckin’ year, and that there’s more of a divide between people and their differences than there has been in a while—but most good people have enough decorum and basic human decency to NOT BOO DURING A SPEECH ABOUT THE PROMISE OF THE FUTURE, AND THE DREAMS OF A WORLD THAT PROMISES PEACE AND EQUALITY FOR ALL PEOPLE.

Like, holy fucking shit, guys. I had to sit next to him and watch him boo peace and harmony, just because it came from the mouth of a guy he didn’t like.

The messenger doesn’t change the message. That this asshole let it—and just did something like that without a second thought—horrifies and frightens me to a massive degree. I guess it’s also worse, because I know the guy, and I know he rarely, if ever, has strong opinions of his own. You ask him what he thought about something without having been exposed to a conversation about it first, and he him-haws and stutters so much, you wonder if synapses stopped firing in his brain. He takes his cues (and his beliefs) from others—like Fox News, and the people he surrounds himself with. He pulled that shit in the Hall of Presidents likely because he saw it pulled elsewhere, and went along with it because “that’s what I have to do, because that’s what a true republican does.” (This behavior was A Whole Thing in his marriage to my mother, trust.) 

All I kept thinking at the time was, if this is what he’s willing to do—and all without anybody standing in front of him and giving him actual directives—what else would he do without hesitation, just because he sees others doing it?

That’s a terrifying reality, and one that’s more common than I think we realize sometimes.

If he didn’t like Obama (or if he felt like he shouldn’t like Obama, rather) then he could’ve just stayed silent. It took more energy for him to cup his hands around his rude-ass mouth and FUCKING BOO WORDS ABOUT UNITY AND FREEDOM than to just keep his feelings to himself. It was all the proof I needed that he hadn’t changed at all; or, if he had, it was wholly for the worse. It was the human embodiment of what got Trump in office: racism, hatred, bigotry, incompetence, close-mindedness, and a toxic, xenophobic hive-mind mentality.

I didn’t talk to him for the rest of the trip. (I’m still shaking while writing this.)

50.) What do you wish for yourself?

To find happiness, and give myself permission to keep it.

Thank you, my darling! I hope your 2018 is everything you wished your 2017 could have been. You deserve nothing less than that.