#i ANSWERED THIS AT 11:59 IT STILL COUNTS

[ashtxrie]

due 11:59 pm

— alternatively, enhypen hyungs as your typical high school crush!

PAIR. high school! enhypen hyungs x gn!reader (rest under cut) GENRE. fluff, high school au, bullet points WORD COUNT. 1.8k total MAKNAE LINE VER.

이희승 — lee heeseung

varsity jackets, notes in lockers, late night calls, secret pining, basketball games

secretly (not so secretly) an attention seeker

he's on the varsity basketball team, so by law you're hyping him up (disguised as hyping up the whole team) before the game and now he has to win!!! (plus he made a bet with jay about the team's winning streak)

i'd think that you two are closer than acquaintances but don't know each other well enough to be close friends

you guys probably met through mutual friends groups that kind of merged????

it was junior year when he signed up for every ap class you took just to look at your face more often.

horrible move for his gpa, amazing move for his mental well-being

... that was, until his mental well-being was compromised again because his ap calc grades were... not sexy

"help like actually i don't think my coach will let me stay on the team if i fail another quiz like that 0.05% grade decrease might be the end of my career"

you start tutoring him not because you're super confident about your calc skills, but because 1) you're better than him at least 😂and 2) it's a free excuse to hang out with him after school

you guys have your first tutoring sessions over discord vc btw like LOSERS

"can you hear me okay"

"..."

"dude you're muted"

IT WAS BAD

he's got the popular guy on the outside, an absolute loser on the inside persona

like he's lowkey a romantically awkward dude

but once he got to know you a bit more from your 1 on 1 time (still on discord.) you guys got really close!

would talk shit together right before basketball matches too

"[name] make sure to start booing when the other team shows up because unfortunately i think they're actually really good"

you're really passionate about how the other schools have horrible players (regardless of stats) and love to narrate a play-by-play with heeseung after the match is over

he finally confessed to you after a whole business year (jake and riki were about to dox their private dms by then)

you guys are like those stereotypical high school movie it couples, where it seems like two gorgeous popular people fell in love

they don't need to know he's just a hopeless romantic!!

박종성 — park jongseong

blue ink, keyboard clicks, shared laughs, handwritten notes, guitar strings

you thought he was pretty intimidating at first ngl

first day of school and he has a whole pre-established friend group, somehow found a table to sit at, has an effortless air going for him

you were paired up with him for a group project in history and

god help this man is SO straightforward and to the point

"ok so i'll do this part and you can do those parts. let me know if you have questions."

insert working in SILENCE for the next hour and a half

at least you two got your work done though!

but then, as an icebreaker in the last ten minutes of class you asked:

"oh... so, uh, do you ever wonder how liquid soap was invented?"

girl wtf!

your internal thought processing was like ??? damn who said that??? before you realized it was YOU

fortunately for you, jay was not completely weirded out!

he even looked a bit interested!

VERY interested, actually!

and that's how he began google searching like crazy, pulling up a million wikipedia articles and scouring the internet to answer your question

because how did you know he was curious about that too!

he really went from 0 to 100 and wdym you thought this man was cold and stoic

he became a d1 yapper for a solid ten minutes, up until the second the bell rang

he was even subconsciously walking with you to your lunch spot, STILL talking about william sheppard and that day in 1865

when he stops and finally realizes where he is, he actually blinks a bit before asking if you had joined any lunchtime clubs

and you were like oh yeah!! i'm in guitar club

he looked at you with the biggest heart eyes at that tbh

HE WAS IN LOVE

wdym your interests were perfectly aligned???? was he in a soulmates au

fast forward three months, and he seriously thinks he's found The One

confesses to you after playing guitar!! and he wrote a handwritten letter too with a cheeky reference to that one liquid soap conversation that started it all

you never feel like you're being "too weird" when you're with him and you two can always be your candid goofy selves with each other :))

심재윤 — sim jaeyun

muji pens, fond eye rolls, sharing books, lunch dates, lattes, TI-84s

you already saw this one coming

physics lover jake, but you've deemed physics your number one opp

HOW can this man go "i love this subject so much omg" after you've just gotten your third 72% in a row?!

it's not like you weren't smart (the class average was a 55)

and it's not like you hated the subject itself

okay maybe you did

but you just thought there were so many other alternatives other than physics to fawn over as a favorite subject. like. ANY other subject

one day, you're seated next to jake in calc and he just turns to you and starts talking out of NOWHERE

he’s like wow isn’t this so interesting? calc is like a hobby of mine!!

and you’re like boy stfu??? i’m literally struggling how is this your pastime 

poor guy just wanted to make small talk and impress you with stuff he thought you were interested in… which is academics 

fast forward to that afternoon in history though, and tests are passed back

you're a certified humanities girl, so you got an 100!!! academic weapon

jake, however..... is kind of an academic shield in this case

on the midterm, he had written that the victorian era ended in 1592, and filled in everything else he didn't know with "mansa musa" because it was the only thing he retained from ap world

maybe you genuinely felt really bad for hating on him when he had struggles of his own, or maybe you felt really nice that day, or maybe you were secretly hoping to get to know him more....

either way, you don't know what came over you when you tapped on his shoulder

you missed how his eyes widened a bit when he turned around, and how he looked genuinely shocked that you were talking to him in an initiated conversation! maybe his rizz was working! (maybe it was)

"there's a method that i use to memorize terms that i could teach you, if you want"

IF HE WANTS??? he would've literally jumped with joy if the paper in front of him wasn't such a nuclear bomb to his gradebook

so that's how you suddenly started spending all your lunches sitting with jake at an empty table together

he tutors you back for physics and math too, so it's fair

and DAMN it works

suddenly you two are all-rounder academic weapons???? he has your back for STEM, you have his back for humanities

like that's literally a power couple right there.

only one problem.

you aren't a couple!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you confess to him after one of your study sessions, by plotting a heart on the desmos graphing calculator using the equations that he taught you

it was super cute!!

he was literally the proudest and happiest man alive he teared up a bit (he would never admit it though)

and NOW you guys are the campus power couple

“babe look at this!” and he's waving at you with his 100 on the history final

he actually started jumping and hugging you (embarrassingly) when you found out you got a 94% average in physics at the end of the semester, giving you an A in the class

you were so shocked when you opened your report card that you didn't even register it until you heard jake go "YOOO OH MY GOD BABE THAT'S INSANE I KNEW YOU COULD DO IT YESSS I'M SO PROUD OF YOU"

well maybe thanks to jake the subject isn't so bad now!

박성훈 — park sunghoon

big school, comfortable silence, convenience stores, headphones, lingering gazes

the "everything kinda sucks here, except you" type of plot

sunghoon tries to stay out of the spotlight, keeping to himself with his head down, hood up, and headphones on

you're not really sure when you met him first actually, but you're both the same type of people where you're just going through the motions

you intrigued him though-- maybe it was the slightly melancholic look in your eyes? or maybe it was the way you purse your lips when you find a particularly hard question on the worksheets in class

either way, he finds himself wanting to get to know you more

funnily enough, he sees you at the convenience store after school as he walks home, and his feet start walking him in your direction

you see him first, and give him a smile and a little wave-- and sunghoon waves back without even thinking about it

that was the entire interaction that day, but sunghoon keeps replaying that part when you smiled and waved at him

why can't he stop thinking about it?

some things definitely changed too-- you start saying hi to him in the hallways at school, you turn to sunghoon to ask questions in class, and you seem to brighten up whenever you see him

you guys start to have conversations, starting with simple small talk, then moving to longer, more random dialogue where you both just say whatever comes to mind

the two of you become so close that you decide to walk to and from school together, since you found out that you only live a couple blocks away

sunghoon likes to place his headphones over your ears to show you new songs every morning, and you like to share earbuds in the afternoon to walk home together

he also starts to slip little notes about his day in your backpack before you go your separate ways in the neighborhood, signing off with a little p.s. to meet him at the park before sunset

it takes him SO long to muster up the courage to confess to you because he keeps thinking you'd say no

but when he finally does, all his fears melt away because you looked at him in such a soft way

he's actually reminded of why he fell for you in the first place

because with you, there’s no judgment from the outside world in the little bubble that you’ve created with him

it's just the two of you against the world <3

TAGLIST : @star-sim @boyfiejay @jlheon @jwsdoll @dimplewonie @suneng @en-gelic

[chanswhxre]

A Very Good Boy [Kinktober '24]

✩ kinktober masterlist ✩ requests ✩ kofi ✩ ao3

♡ Pairing : han jisung x afab! reader

♡ Genre : smut, edging and denial

♡ Word count : 1.4k words

♡ Warnings : 18+ nsfw, explicit sexual content, a little subby han, piv, oral sex. I will not put any more specific warnings to avoid spoiling the story. Read at your own risk!

❗️ minors, ageless, and blank blogs that will interact with me or my work will be BLOCKED.

"Fuck. Jagi, I need you..please." Jisung sighed as he held on to your waist under your shirt like his life depended on it.

"We can't, babe. Minho and the others are outside, and you have to finish your homework." You whisper in his ear.

You've been like this for the past hour in his room, straddling him on his seat in front of his desk. He was supposed to finish this essay from the online university course he was taking that is due at 11:59 pm today, and you were supposed to read a book while waiting for him to finish and cuddle with you, but things went differently when he begged you to come closer to him and sit on his lap for inspiration.

"Please, I'll be quiet." He pleaded.

"No. You have to work on that essay, Hannie, or else I’m gonna have to go outside so you can focus." You shook your head.

"No! Please stay here." He whined and then continued typing on his computer. You obliged and stayed cuddled up to him, feeling your boyfriend's warmth and also the hard-on straining in his sweatpants. He kept squirming, trying to rub on your core, which got you worked up as well. Still, you had incredible self-restraint, and he needed to finish that essay, but he's being stubborn, and he was making you horny as well, so you decided to give him a taste of his own medicine and started grinding on him, which caused him to curse under his breath.

"Fuck. Baby.." he moaned and gripped your hips tightly, helping you grind.

"Sshh..if you want me to stay like this, you have to keep quiet and continue working."

He nodded, but he started to get needy. The two of you hadn't fucked in as long as you could remember because he had been swamped with new album promotions for the past few weeks; hence it was understandable that he craved you; he needed to feel you, to connect with you, both emotionally and sexually but he had to finish his essay first because, as important as this was, he had a deadline.

He takes a whiff of you as if he were going rabid, his hot breath tickling you as he places sloppy kisses all over your neck and his hands roaming around your body and then playing with your clothed nipples while you hold on to his hair and you stare into each other’s eyes.

"Do you want me to suck you?"

"Yes, please!" He excitedly answered,

"You promise that you'll focus on it?"

"Yes! I promise, I just need to feel that pretty mouth, baby."

You could feel your wetness pool in your panties as you went under his desk and pulled his already angry, hard, and leaking cock out. You gave him kitten licks until you started to suck him off. He continued typing as you gave him a blowjob under his desk.

"Jagi...I need you to..please." He tried to say it as quietly as possible, slightly bucking his hips forward when you swallowed his aching cock whole, which made him gasp in pleasure. He covered his mouth to muffle the sounds he was making as you sucked and swirled your tongue around him. He was being such a good boy being all quiet like you said and religiously doing his essay, but not good enough to cum just yet.

"Jagi, it's so good." he moaned. You quickened your pace, and you knew he was almost reaching his climax when you popped his throbbing cock out of your mouth.

"Uh-uh." You tutted, stopping your actions.

"What? Please, just a little more. I'm almost," he whined, trying to convince you to keep going, but you didn't listen. He didn't listen to you in the first place, so why should you?

You climbed back on his lap, his eyes looking at you with desire and excitement, thinking that you didn't let him cum in your mouth because you wanted him to cum inside your warm, sweet, wet pussy. but little did he know that you were just going to cockwarm him until he finishes the essay.

You slowly sank down, taking him in bit by bit; it was so slow that he was having trouble restraining himself from pushing into you. He was horny and frustrated but still held back so he wouldn’t get punished.

"Shit, jagi. You feel so warm." He exhaled when he was fully inside you.

"Now, be a good boy and finish that essay so you can finish inside me, okay?"

“But I can’t. Please, babe, make me cum, and I promise to focus on this, please.” He begged and buried his face on your neck.

“Why should I listen to you? You didn’t listen to me earlier and within the past few days, " you said, reminding him of the numerous times you asked him to finish what he’d been writing since a few days ago so you could spend time together today. But he didn’t listen, so this is what he’s getting right now. He felt defeated and with a raging boner inside you. Still, he'll take what he can get and decided on all his might to focuss on finishing the last bit of the essay while you were cockwarming him, that is, until you started getting very impatient and horny so you started teasing him by clenching on his cock and letting out small moans. He could not endure it further, at which point he began to thrust into you gently and deeply. His breath was shaky, sweat dripping from his forehead, making his hair stick to his face despite the AC on full blast.

“Ji, baby.” You warned with a stern voice.

“Please, babe, I want to cum. I need to cum.” He pleaded as he bit into your shoulder while thrusting into you.

You wanted to give in, but he wouldn’t learn if you let him have his way. You grinded on his cock, rubbing your clit deliciously on his lower abdomen.

“Shit, you’re so tight.” He bit on his lip, trying to suppress his moans.

He was thrusting a bit faster, trying to reach his climax but you clenched snd stopped to edge him, then continued to build him up again until his breaths became shallow, a telltale sign that he was close, and then you stopped again, reminding him to finish the goddamn essay. At this point, he was a little angry and frustrated from all the edging and denial that he couldn’t keep quiet; he gripped onto your hips and started to thrust into you, chasing his orgasm, so you squeezed his cheeks together tightly.

“No cumming jagi or else.” You sternly said.

He stopped just when he was about to reach the point of no return and bit his lip; he was already drooling from being so turned on. His eyes were dilated with tears brimming in his eyes, and his dick was twitching inside you from the constant edging and denial, and you knew from his face that he couldn’t possibly write his essay well in his current state. He was out of it.

“B-babe, please. I want it. I know you want it too, please. I’ll be a very good boy after this.” He pleaded, and you sighed.

“Fine. Since you asked so nicely, my baby boy.” You said and kissed him. His cock twitched again; he was so excited that you finally gave in, and the kiss just excited him even more. He thrusted into you with newfound vigor, hard and fast, not caring for the slapping sounds you made but still suppressing your moans. Heavy breaths and small moans and profanities spilled from your mouths as Jisung carried you to his bed and continued fucking you there. It wasn’t long until his thrusts were getting sloppy, and he came almost instantly inside you. Strings of warm cum coated your walls, his dick pulsating as he released inside of you. Finally, the sweet release he was begging for.

When he came down from his high, he started to go down on you before you could say anything. He deliciously licked his cum as it was dripping out of you, then proceeded on lapping and sucking your swollen clit until you felt your cunt tighten, then contract as you experienced the most explosive orgasm you have ever had which made your eyes roll to the back of your head.

You lay limp on his bed, breathless, as he grabbed a towel to wipe his mouth and your pussy before he laid beside you. He kissed you on the forehead before flashing you a dumb smile.

“You think they heard outside?” You asked.

“Who cares.” The both of you laughed softly.

“So, you promised, right?” You said, reminding him of his essay.

“I am a good boy, you know. I’ll do whatever you say.”

“A very good boy, indeed.” You smiled.

✩ reblogs, feedback, & comments are highly appreciated. it motivates me, and it is the lifeline of my blog. To everyone who read and interacted with my works, such as comment, and reblog especially with text, thank you so much 정말 감사합니다 ♡

✩ if you want to support my work, buy me a coffee ☕

- love, jan ♡

© 2024 Chanswhxre

[ljaylmaoo]

🎃Kinktober day 3- Wet Dreams🎃

Hook x fem!reader 18+

UNEDITED

warnings: SMUT, fluff?, overstimulation, whiny hook, riding, oral (m receiving), creampie (please use condoms), etc probs

a/n: hey so funny story, I queued this to post at 11:59 pm but didn’t know it was for tmr/today 😭 so sorry about that, I haven’t read over this completely so again, sorry if it’s shit, anyways ENJOY! I literally cannot look him in the eyes after writing this, so here’s a picture of him staring into your soul hehe

word count: 1.7k

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

Ripping you out of your slumber is one of the worst things someone could do to you. You loved sleep, and it didn’t matter when, how, or why, if someone woke you up, you’d quite literally throw a tantrum (some thought worse). You got cranky like a toddler if you haven’t had at least two naps in and every one of your friends knew that. Especially your boyfriend. So knowing that, James was silently panicking as he was torn with the decision if he should wake you up or not when he felt you grinding against him in your sleep while moaning. He knew you weren’t able to sleep a lot today because you didn’t have him around much at all, so now that you were finally able to sleep once you were back in his arms, he really didn’t want to have to wake you up. When he first got woken up it was when you snuggled your backside deeper into him which wasn’t new and he only pulled you in closer, wrapping his arms around you. But not long after he fell back asleep, he woke up again to you letting out a moan while shifting around in your sleep. He thought nothing of it at first. Until he heard his name come out of your mouth in the same whiny tone he’s heard way too many times before. He quickly lifted his head in confusion as he peered down at you who was still fast asleep.

From the tiredness that clouded his mind, it took him a little bit to understand what was going on, but his eyes widened as he heard you once again, “Ah, fuck- please don’t s-stop-” you whispered out while breathing heavily, this time grinding against him while rubbing your thighs together. You were having a dream about..him. He didn’t know what to do, part of him wanted to wake you up, but the other part of him knew it wouldn’t be a good idea, but he knew he couldn’t let you grind on him any longer as it was turning him on also. Feeling himself grow harder at the way you rolled your ass against his crotch, only being in your underwear and one of his shirts that fit like a nightgown on your smaller figure. He slowly pulled away from you, peeling himself off your backside to give you guys more space in between. You instantly shot up out of your sleep with a loud gasp as you felt him pull away from you causing him to jump at the abruptness of your reaction. You quickly glanced around, heart racing as you were trying to become aware of your surroundings and quickly looked at James who was looking at you with the same alertness you had in your eyes.

“Sorry, I tried my best not to wake you, darling.” He explained, voice deeper and huskier than usual as it was mixed with drowsiness while carefully rubbing your shoulder. You blinked a few times before sitting up straighter and rubbed your eyes, “it’s uh, it’s okay.” You replied tiredly, still trying to come back to reality. He looked at you with surprise, raising his eyebrows slightly at your unusually calm response to being woken up. “What’re, what are you doing up?” You questioned causing him to pause. You looked over at him, waiting for an answer, “you woke me up..” He said finally. You tilted your head, “really? How..?” He cleared his throat while shifting uncomfortably, “uhm, you were talking in your sleep.” He said quietly. You thought about it, then remembered your dream, eyes widening in embarrassment. “Oh… what was I saying..?” You asked hesitantly while pushing your hair back away from your face. “Well, let’s just say that it was enough for me to have an idea of what you were dreaming about…” you giggled in embarrassment covering your face, “oh my god, I’m sorry” you apologized in between giggles. “It’s okay” he said nonchalantly as he shrugged, “sounded like a good dream” he teased making your face grow a darker shade of red.

“I guess it was, enough to make you hard when it wasn’t even your dream” You teased back while gesturing to his obvious hard on through the sheets. He rolled his eyes, “How could I not when you were desperately grinding on me like a bitch in heat?” Your eyes widened once again and you looked away, “no I wasn’t.” “Oh but you were.” You cleared your throat, “uh, well, sorry about that.” He only smiled and shrugged once again. “Do you… need help with, that-?” You asked while awkwardly gesturing to it again. Without waiting for a response, you crawled closer to him, “that would be nice…” he smiled while tucking your hair behind your ear before you leaned in for a soft intimate kiss, placing your lips gently on his, “anything for you.” You smiled as you trailed your hand down under the blankets and palmed him through his pyjama pants. He moaned into the kiss, your touch where he needed you most sending shivers down his spine. You pulled away and went lower to his neck, leaving open mouthed kisses all over as your hand found its way into his pants, taking his leaking member out and gently grazed the tip with your thumb rubbing the pre cum over it. “You said you’d help, not tease.” He mumbled, his hand on your lower back as you continued to kiss his neck. "I am helping” you said innocently before squeezing him and slowly began pumping him earning a shaky breath from him.

You kissed down his shirtless torso and took the covers off, exposing his hard cock. The feeling of the cool air causing him to let out a light hiss. You looked up at him as he watched you intently, eyes full of lust and anticipation before you licked a trail up from the base of his cock to the tip, and took the tip in your mouth as you pumped the rest of his length with your hand. He pulled the hair away from your face as you slowly took him deeper in your mouth while hollowing out your cheeks making him groan as you did so. You came up with a wet pop of your mouth for air before taking him in your mouth again. “fuck…” he cursed under his breath and threw his head back in ecstasy as you bobbed your head up and down, “taking me so- well” he moaned while making eye contact with you, pushing you down deeper with ease, “that’s it darling, just like that...” he praised as you swirled your tongue around him, making him buck his hips up with a louder moan and pushed you down deeper than before, harshly hitting the back of your throat causing you to gag, tears forming as he held you down by your head making you wetter than before. He loosened his grip and let you come up for air leaving a trail of saliva connected from your chin and his cock.

“Can I ride you?” You asked after wiping your chin with the back of your hand and still jerking him off in the other leaving him a panting mess. He nodded desperately and you immediately pulled your underwear off and straddled him, his hands immediately finding their way to your hips. You kissed him again, this time being more heated and needy. You pulled away and sat up, grabbing his cock and lining him up with you, gathering your juices and sank down onto him. You both let out shaky sighs, his grip on your hip tightening. Your back instinctively arched as you felt him stretch you out. You took almost no time to adjust and began lazily bouncing on him, the filthy noises of your ass connecting with his hips echoed throughout the room as he loosely guided you up and down his length. Your mouth falling open as you felt him twitch inside of you with each thrust and moan you both let out. “God you feel so fucking good.” You arched your back more feeling him hit your g spot and you reached down between your legs, playing with yourself to bring you closer to the edge as you knew he wasn’t going to last long. He gripped onto your hips tighter and began fucking up into you as he chased his high, your moans and whines growing louder as he did so. You felt him finish inside of you with a loud groan, cursing loudly as his cum filled you up as you continued to ride him chasing your own orgasm. His hips bucked and back arched off the bed at the overstimulation, his own moans turning to a whimper while he let out heavy breaths beneath you, chest rising and falling rapidly, “oh- fuck” he sobbed out, hair messy from not being able to keep still, his voice hoarse. You picked up your pace, the sight of him falling apart below you finally pushing you over the edge as you clenched around him, legs shaking and struggling to keep yourself up, a high pitched moan falling from your mouth as you rode out your high. You heard him let out another loud rougher moan, his eyes rolling back and you felt him twitch and fill you up once more, another orgasm forcing its way out of him causing you to moan out with him feeling more full than ever as you were both now sweaty whimpering messes.

You stilled your movements, putting all your weight on him due to your now weak legs. After you both caught your breaths he helped you lift off of him, cum and juices streaming down your legs. You reached over and grabbed tissue from the bedside table, cleaning him off then yourself. You threw the tissues into the trash beside the bed and you fell down onto the bed beside him, resting your head on his chest.

“I never knew you could be so whiny..”

[putschki1969]

Hi Sarah! Hope you are well! I will be in Japan on January 15th, so i can't lose the incredibile opportunity to go to the concert. I waited for the general lottery hoping that it would be aviable on the international e+ stite, but unfortunatley it seems it is not the case.

I tryed with sos japan but they are not answering me, and with bridge but they told me they are full or requests and so can't help me.

I would appreciate it very much if you can suggest me something to get these tickets. Thank you!

Hello there!

I am so sorry for the late reply. You sent this while I was travelling last week so I didn't notice the new message in my inbox. I am happy to hear that you will be in Japan next January. Of course you'd want to use that opportunity to attend the Kalafina, I totally understand.

However, I am afraid we are already at a point where it's pretty tricky to get tickets.

Ticket sales are scheduled for the following dates: ■Wakana/KEIKO Fan Club Advanced Lottery October 10, 2024, 11:00 - October 20, 23:59 ■Hikaru X (formerly Twitter) Advanced Lottery October 25, 11:00 - November 4, 23:59 ■General Ticket Lottery November 9, 11:00 - November 11, 23:59 ■General Sale November 16, 10:00 -

We have gone through all the ticketing stages and it appears like there are no more tickets left on the e+ general sale. This is actually quite surprising since I didn't expect the concert to be sold out so quickly. The venue is huge and judging from everyone's dismissive reactions on Twitter, I had assumed that not many people were actually planning to attend. Guess the mood on Twitter didn't reflect the high demand of the general public.

From what I could tell, almost everyone who applied for the Wakana/KEIKO fan club ticket lotteries won a ticket so they must have had a lot of tickets available for those. A majority of all fan club members seems to have made use of that preliminary lottery because for the subsequent Hikaru lottery, there were quite a few people who didn't manage to win a ticket. The same applies to the general lottery. I saw several tweets of people being sad that they didn't win anything during that. Unfortunately, the general lottery period was very short so it would have been necessary to contact SOSJapan or a similar service very early in advance to figure out what you needed.

The general sale was over super quickly too so there are currently no official options available.

They might have plans to offer some left-over tickets on the overseas e+ site but they haven't announced anything yet in that regard. Knowing Space Craft, they will totally ignore Kalafina's overseas fanbase so I wouldn't count on that....

I know that a lot of tickets were bought by shady resellers who are now offering them for crazy prices on some random sites but for one, that's illegal so I wouldn't recommend going down that route and two, it would be a real hassle for a foreigner to even get their hands on one of those resold tickets so meh, not the best idea.

Your best bet right now is to ask around in fandom spaces and see if anyone got spare tickets. The good news is that many people applied for more than one ticket (myself included). The bad news is that most of those people will already have found someone to give their extra tickets to (myself included).

I will ask here on this blog and see if anyone can offer a spare ticket to you. If there's no one, you will have to ask around on other sites. You should probably check out the cantaperme forum or a number of different Kalafina Facebook communities and a post on Twitter can't hurt either (although you'll have to tag everything properly so the post reaches a good amount of people).

【Request】 Kalafina Anniversary Ticket

Does anyone still have a spare ticket for the upcoming Kalafina Anniversary Live? If you do, please contact me or @red------moon directly. Thank you!

【Update】 Spare Ticket Found

Great news! @hadi-sama has some spare tickets and is offering them to fellow loyal fans who are still in need of one. Thank you so much for your swift reply! @red------moon, please be sure to contact either me or him ASAP to figure out all the details. Thank you!

[leaawrites]

Tonight is the night

Robert Keating x fem!reader

Summary: where Rob helps the reader with her fear of fireworks and loud noises.

Warnings: comfort, angst, fluff,

Wordcount: 1k

Masterlist

The clock ticked, it was close to midnight. Close to a new beginning.

One of his new year’s resolutions was not going into 2025 with any regrets, it was a goal he set himself every year, yet it was the only one he never ticked off on his imaginary list. One thing still haunted him, every year. It was simple, as simple as picking cherry’s from a tree and eating them. Until he actually faced her and suddenly he wasn’t tall enough to reach the branch anymore. Growing smaller with every second she smiled at him so perfectly.

Tonight was the night, he finally concluded as he stepped out the door of his flat and walked to the party of some friends. The moment Bobby walked in through the door and felt the bass of the party song that played over the speakers pump through his veins he knew: tonight was the night. He’d finally confess. Kissing her at midnight and hoping she felt the same. At least he’d finally tick off the one resolution he always postponed.

It was now twenty minutes before midnight and he still hadn’t sighted her. Her friends were there, dancing and drinking and having fun, but where was she? The one he was hoping to catch and disappear with from the overcrowded place. He knew how much she hated staying in such places for too long. Having walked her home more than once when she began feeling uncomfortable and no one else wanted to leave so early into the night.

“Hey,” he called to one of her friends over the music, grabbing the girl’s attention by taking her elbow in his hand.

“Bobby!” she exclaimed, throwing her arms over his shoulder and pulling her down to her height. “I haven’t seen you in ages!”

Before she could keep on gushing to him, he cut her off, speaking clearer than ever before to make her understand in her drunk state of mind. “Do you know where Y/n is? I can’t find her.”

“Oh, silly, she’s not here,” she said, giggling at his grimace and ready to turn around again.

He stopped her, turning her towards him again. “Where is she then?”

“At home,” she said it like it was obvious. Like he should’ve known.

“Why?” Growing impatient with the clock ticking in the back of his head, reminding him there were only a few more treasurable minutes before a new year begin and he’d enter uncompleted and regretful once more.

“The fireworks. She’s scared of them. Too much noise and all that,” she answered, making a face to imitate her boredom. Bobby nodded, grateful for the answers, and let her go back to dancing.

He thought for a moment, the thoughts and possibilities running through his head until he started following them. Running out the door, down the staircase and down the street. Following the footsteps they’ve left behind the last time they walked home from the same place. Her guiding the way while she kept on talking about whatever was going through her head and him listening with a smile on his face. He could listen to her ramble forever.

Standing outside the door to her apartment building, he pressed on the doorbell, looking at his wrist watch and seeing the time. 11:57, the time continued ticking when she didn’t answer right away. He rang again, praying for her to answer.

“Hello?” Her voice pierced through his heart, calming his nerves before he started rambling.

“Y/n, it’s Bobby. Can you please let me in?” He said, stressing out.

11:58. People were already lining the street, a firework was going off in the distance, he heard her curse whoever it was before she spoke again.

“What do you want?” her voice breaking.

“Please!” He didn’t care if he sounded desperate and out of his mind, he was.

11:59.

The door clicked open as she let him in, finally. Dashing up the stairs, taking two at a time, Rob made his way up, counting down the seconds.

10, Arriving at her door, he saw it standing open, already waiting for him to enter.

9, Looking around the little apartment, she was nowhere in sight.

8, Closing the door behind himself, he quickly threw off his scarf and coat before running around the rooms, looking for her.

7, Every room was lit, beside one.

6, Her bedroom was dark, the blinds were shut. A fragile body was huddled against the back of her bed, blanket thrown over her nervous body.

5, Making his way over to her, he could feel her body shaking as he took her face in his hands, caressing her cheek.

4, “Lisa told me, she said you were here.”

3, she didn’t answer, only looked at him like he was insane for not walking away already.

2, “Are you alright?”

1, Shaking her head, the tears started pooling at her eyes, threatening to wash down her face. Show him all the cracks in her skull.

0, tonight was the night.

Fireworks went off, the silence was replaced by loudness all around. Next to her window, outside her door, in the whole city. But she didn’t hear any of it. The moment the first one sizzled into the air, it was silenced by his lips on hers. His hands covering her ears to shield them from the night outside. Moving his lips gently against hers, the regrets fell away, the list was ticked off for the first time since he’d met her. Now it as only them.

Pulling away for air, she still heard the screeching and banging and loud laughter, but it was quieter now. But she only saw him now. His eyes looking into hers, a nervous smile on his lips that were starting to swell, his chest heaving. She only heard her heartbeat drumming through her body, beginning for more. Beginning to feel him again.

Leaning in once more, she pulled him in by his sweater, silencing the whole world.

“Happy new year’s,” he mumbled against her lips, making her giggle. The feeling of her breath fawning against his lips sent shivers down his spine.

“Happy new year’s, Bobby.”

The only fireworks she could feel were the ones in her chest, exploding whenever she felt his lips on hers and his hands on her body that night.

[doodlejoltik]

Calling all Submas fans!

Do you want Ingo and Emmet to reunite in Pokemon Masters?

The game developers have released a player feedback survey, which, among other things, asks what stories and trainers we'd like to see in Masters in the future. Notably, one suggested option is whether we would like "stories that continue the ones in the main Pokémon games". Another asks "what combination of trainers you would most like to see interact in Masters?"

It would be great for all Submas fans to fill it out and suggest that they give closure to Ingo and Emmet's story! There's precedent for such a thing - the long awaited reunion between N and the BW protagonist (Hilbert in Masters) happened in the Story Event "The Ideal Formula" (a YouTube recording of the story can be seen here https://youtu.be/zWyiuVVigMo?si=8UHz6xbcVvgI4URN).

Some reasons you could use to justify why they should let Ingo and Emmet reunite in Masters:

The arrival of Hisuian sync pairs such as Irida, Adaman, Akari and Rei make this interaction plausible and highly anticipated.

Ingo and Emmet are two of the most popular trainers from BW/B2W2, and only got more popular after PLA. They have a massive fanbase, both in Japan and internationally, that would be attracted to the game (and incentivised to pull) if such an event occurred.

Although another version of Ingo already exists on Pasio, similar things have happened before with alts such as Classic Elesa, Champion Iris and Kimono Grimsley (from his appearance in Alola).

One of Masters' greatest strengths is that it is uniquely positioned to deliver character writing and interactions that the main games were not able to address. Such as the aforementioned reunion between the BW protagonist and N. This would utilise that unique space to finally give closure on Ingo and Emmet's unexplained and heartwrenching separation.

But don't feel the need to use my words - use your own! Unique responses are great and also increase the chances that we'll be taken seriously.

So where's the survey link? Well, I would link it, but every user account in Pokémon Masters (when set to English - you can change this in the settings!) has its own unique link with an id generated on the end. The survey technically still works without it but I'd prefer to be on the safe side to make sure our answers count! The survey can be found in your message box (after setting your game language to English as necessary.)

The survey runs from 10/29/2023 11:00 p.m. PT – 11/12/2023 9:59 p.m. PT. So we've got until November 12 to spread the word!

Note that every person can only fill the survey out once.

We nearly got Ingo to be the #1 Tumblr Sexyman. We can do this!

credit to @cefren for the getting the ball rolling on this campaign!

[something-tofightfor]

Birthday Kiss #2: Marcus Pike

Pairing: Marcus Pike x Female Reader

Word Count: 609

Rating: M. Marcus is a little bit of a menace, though.

Summary: A Late-Night Kiss

Author’s note: 9 Pedro Characters. 9 Birthday Smooches. These are very lightly edited because they're supposed to be quick. Wanted to give all of you a gift to celebrate my birthday - this one features Marcus Pike.

Not connected to anything else, but if you wanted to imagine it is, it would be for either the "Just Be-Claus" pairting or the "Busboys and Poets" Marcus and Reader.

Even after years with him and growing accustomed  to his ever-changing schedule, going to bed without Marcus next to you hurts. It’s not because you need him to be there, but because you want him to be. 

And it isn’t for your benefit alone. You know how much having an understanding and committed partner means to Marcus.

You know that he looks forward to the time you have together in bed just as much as he does - the moments spent winding down next to and in each other’s arms, the way your breathing evens out and slows, syncing up with his as the two of you get comfortable.

You know that when he wakes up and sees you next to him, it means everything to him, something that neither of you had been confident you’d ever have again.

But when he’s got a case - as he so often does - and it takes him away from DC, even for a few days at a time, you both feel the loneliness, even though it’s unintentional. That loneliness hurts, especially on your birthday, and especially when the thing that’s keeping him away popped up last minute and he couldn’t even call you before he was on the way to the scene. 

You knew that he’d make it up to you, that wasn’t the issue. But it was still frustrating to know that there was a high probability that not only would you go to bed without him, but that you’d wake up alone in the bed, too, a text message the only piece of him available. And it might have been selfish, but you wanted him there, even if only for a few minutes. 

Instead of picking up your phone and texting him like you wanted to do, you plugged it in and turned it face down on the side table before reaching for his pillow, holding it close to your chest. It smelled like him, and that fact comforted you enough to fall asleep, though not deeply. 

You woke up to the feeling of the mattress dipping, and then before you could register what was happening, a pair of lips met yours, the kiss fast. “Hey. Open your eyes.” You did as he asked, and even though it was still mostly dark, Marcus had taken the time to turn the bedside lamp on, illuminating the small clock beneath it. “I made it in time.” 

“Marcus? What -”

“It’s 11:56.” He stroked along your arm with one hand, his touch reassuring. “Four minutes left.” 

“For -”

You registered it on some level, but it took Marcus leaning down and kissing you again, the man sucking your lower lip between his and then biting down, the edges of his teeth firm but gentle for a few seconds before he backed off and spoke again for things to really sink in. 

“I couldn’t be here for most of your birthday, but at least I get to end it with you.” You answered him with a hum, both hands rising to tangle your fingers in his hair - still perfectly arranged despite the long day at work. That was all Marcus needed before he leaned down and pressed his upper body against yours, seeking your mouth out again. 

That kiss wasn’t brief. The man’s tongue parted your lips as it deepened.

By 11:59, the comforter was pushed to the side and Marcus was on top of you, his knees digging into the mattress on either side of your hips while he kissed his way down your neck and toward the collar of your shirt.

You were both still fully dressed - but you knew that it wouldn't stay that way for long. 

— 

[explorevenus]

How about 🎆 for the Yandere!Leon Ask Game? 👀 Also congrats on the 1k you deserve it!!!!!!!!!!!! Your work is so good. 💜💜

NEXYS THANK U I LOVE U SO VERY VERY MUCH AAAA!!!!!!!!!!!

i hope this is good, ily ;w;

context for those of u who are just joining us-- this is part of an emoji ask game where i write a yandere!leon blurb based on emojis in celebration of 1k followers !! requests for this game are closed now, although my ask box is always open for yandere!leon brainrot rambles <33 love y'all and thanks for participating!! i will be slowly working through the rest of the emojis already in my ask box <3

tags/warnings - yandere!leon kennedy, fem!reader, reader is in captivity, leon is delusional, other than that nothing !!

blurb below the cut <33

It was New Year's, ten minutes to midnight.

While your friends and family were no doubt gathering for parties, drinking champagne and counting down the minutes until they could share a kiss with their lovers into the New Year, you were at Leon's, still in captivity, still not allowed to go outside.

You sighed deeply, thinking of the plans you'd made with your friends months ago, long before Leon had taken you in. You were all going to gather together at one of your friend's apartments, share a bottle of champagne, play games, and go into the New Year as a tighter group. You wondered if they were hanging out without you right now. You wondered if your absence was killing the vibe.

"What're you thinking about, princess?" Leon asked from behind you, running his fingers through your hair.

"It's New Year's," You spoke softly, staring blankly at the wall. "I was supposed to be with my friends today."

He hummed softly, leaning forward to kiss your neck sweetly. "I'm sorry, princess. That's a bummer, huh?"

You nodded. It was almost laughable how indifferent he was to your feelings sometimes.

"It's a good thing you have me then," He continued, lips ghosting along your warm skin. "We can go outside, watch the fireworks, share a kiss at midnight… How does that sound, pup?"

Despite your internal struggle, it did sound kind of nice. Normal. Something you really needed right now, a reminder of what it felt like to be normal. You turned over your shoulder to look at him. "Okay… sure. I-I'd like that."

He softly kissed the top of your head, humming contently. "Good. Put on a jacket, princess, it's cold outside," He said, and while his words sounded like a suggestion, his tone sounded like a command.

You nodded blankly, reaching for the first jacket you could find in the closet before taking his hand, letting him lead you out of the room and to the backyard. It was pretty cold outside, he wasn't wrong about that-- the biting December air felt good, sobering on your skin. Still, you subconsciously huddled to his side for warmth.

"What's your resolution?" He asked, voice cutting through the silence.

"Huh?" You tilted your head, a little caught of guard by his question.

"Your New Year's resolution, sweetheart," He repeated somewhat condescendingly. "Do you have one?"

Admittedly, you hadn't put much thought into it. Obviously your energy was better spent elsewhere as of late. You hummed in thought for a moment before coming up with an answer you thought would please him. "I don't know… I guess I'd like to take better care of myself this year… What about you?"

Leon smiled, planting a kiss to the top of your head. "To take better care of you," He answered honestly. "My pretty little princess… I just want to take better care of you."

You could hardly begin to imagine what he meant by that. It wasn't always clear to tell what he considered 'good care.' Still, it was a sweet response. You gave him a weak smile, turning to look up at the sky. Any minute fireworks would undoubtedly begin popping off around the city.

Leon kept one hand on the small of your back as he checked his watch. It was 11:59 p.m. He gently turned you to him, caressing your cheek with his thumb as he gazed into your eyes. You were so pretty, so sweet, and you were all his. What he hadn't told you was he had a second resolution-- to keep you all to himself, to properly train you to be his perfect little dolly. He could almost taste it.

His watch beeped as the clock ticked up to the hour, and almost immediately, an array of distant fireworks began popping and glittering across the sky. Leon guided his face down to yours, whispering lowly, "Happy New Year, princess," before connecting his lips to yours.

[omnisvirlupussicfiatdraco]

Church on Ruby Road - Perspectives Don't Work

So I may be about out of the box on this one but bear with me.

In the opening scene of Church on Ruby Road,

Pre-Midnight

Ruby's dropped off, the mysterious woman starts walking away through the Churchyard, Ruby is taken in by Mr. Church Person

We see Ms. Mysterious Woman walking away down the street.

THEN THE CLOCK HITS MIDNIGHT THE BELLS START

and THEN the TARDIS lands.

Doctor comes out and he looks ahead straight ahead towards the woman, it's a slightly zoomed out version of the same shot of his face as we see later, but we don't see the woman. He doesn't glance at Ruby or Church Bloke who by this point should be inside ALL POST MIDNIGHT.

So then move to the second scene by the church post Goblin Shenanigans, TARDIS lands at 11:59 and we see the same shot of the Doctor looking at the Mysterious Woman Who Is Already Walking Down The Street ALL BEFORE THE BELLS HAVE STARTED, then he decides to save Ruby goes through the whole bit of saving Ruby which takes significantly longer than a minute but hey who's counting, THEN MIDNIGHT HAPPENS and we see the Doctor sprinting back to the TARDIS, turns looks baby Ruby is being picked up all nice and lovely by Church Bloke, looks back and THE WOMAN IS STILL WALKING DOWN THE STREET, in almost exactly the same position as she was twice before, at two different times, walking away, the same distance from the Doctor as in both the previous shot AND the previous scene with her.

So my questions are as follows;

How can the first scene be after midnight when the Doctor arrives and sees the woman that distance away? if...

The second time he arrives it's BEFORE midnight and HE STILL SEES HER AT THE SAME POSITION prior to midnight. and finally

How is it that even after saving Ruby and seeing the Woman, she is still the same distance away every time he looks at her, either before or after midnight? I need answers damn it.

PLEASE DISCUSS WITH ME, I NEED TO TALK ABOUT THIS STUFF DANG IT

I did friggin' diagrams to work this &^%$ out, agh.

[alovesreading]

Constant Repeat | Part 16

Summary: Having worked at Focus Creeps for a year, Ella knows that as a production assistant and part of the crew, there’s one important rule: don’t interact with the talent unless it’s needed. But once she meets Arctic Monkeys, and the recording of the music videos for their upcoming fourth studio album starts, the band seem to become her exception. Not only because they treat her more like a friend than just someone else they’re working with but when Alex continuously makes her blush with his flirting, so enthralled by her that he forgets he’s got a girlfriend, Ella finds herself growing closer to him. As videos are filmed, wrapped and edited, the friendship lines become blurry. Situations unfold, secrets are told and others are kept under lock and key, but how long can Alex and Ella endure being stuck in each other’s minds on constant repeat.

Word Count: 22.7k

Story Warnings: Throughout this series there will be suggestive talk, jealousy, cheating, alcohol and drug use, angst, smut.

A/N: Firstly, I wanted to thank you all for your patience and your support, but I still wanted to apologise again for taking so long to update. So much has happened in the past month but in between the tears and all the stress, I'm so happy to still find a comforting escape in writing. This one is a bit shorter than the last one but we're finally getting to those bits of the story that I wrote at the very beginning and I'm just stoked to finally dive into it in detail and with all that this story has come to be. Enjoy!! xx

Masterlist

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13 | Part 14 | Part 15 |

✦✧✦✧✦✧✦✧✦✧✦✧

(13/01/2014 06:43) I can't believe you're cheating on me like that and actually telling me...

Alex chuckled at her dramatics when he checked his phone about half an hour after he'd sent that first picture. It was a quick one he'd snapped of the set they were currently at, a big carpeted living room with Matt's drum kit settled at the very end of it, Nick's bass and Jamie's guitar in their stands on their usual places and a mic stand right in the middle where Alex was meant to stand.

There were clearly a few big lights on the sides of the room and a big camera on someone's hands just off frame that picked at Ella's curiosity when she opened the picture the second she woke up.

So she'd asked where he was and, about ten minutes later, Alex had so easily answered, 'Recording the Arabella music video x' that Ella's jaw dropped and she stood in shock for a fair few minutes before sending that dramatic text back.

Alex snickered to himself, and tuning out the way Jake instructed the crowd in the room around them for the next scene they were about to record, he kept his focus on his phone to continue chatting to Ella.

(13/01/2014 06:58) In my defense, we were told we had this arranged last week and there's nothing I could do about it x

(13/01/2014 06:59) Yeah, sure, that's what they all say.

(13/01/2014 06:59) Darling...

(13/01/2014 06:59) Alexander?

(13/01/2014 07:00) Stop. Not the full name :(

(13/01/2014 07:00) Yes, the full name because you've got some audacity Mister.

(13/01/2014 07:00) Are you angry at me? :(

(13/01/2014 07:01) It's not really your fault but it doesn't mean I'm not giving you the cold shoulder after this.

(13/01/2014 07:01) Ella! That's not fair :((

(13/01/2014 07:01) Yeah, well. Life isn't fair, is it?? Who is this director anyway? Better be a good one or else...

(13/01/2014 07:01) Jake Nava. I hope it's enough to never explore that 'or else' x

(13/01/2014 07:01) Fuck of!!!!! Jake Nava?!?!?!? As in Jake Nava who's directed a bunch of Beyonce and Britney Spears music videos?!?!?

(13/01/2014 07:02) I think so? They mentioned him working with Tina Turner and the Stones too x

(13/01/2014 07:02) Okay, yes. Fucking hell. Should've started with that Alex.

(13/01/2014 07:02) You're funny x

(13/01/2014 07:03) I can hear you rolling your eyes from here sweets x You're forgiven but you better make it up to me, I miss you xx

(13/01/2014 07:03) You know I already am trying to figure something out x We have another single that's missing a music video anyway so... Miss you too darling, so much xx

'Arabella' was the second to last single that was going to be put out by March before their last, 'Snap Out Of It', which had been chosen to be put out by the middle of the year. Now that the 'Arabella' music video had already been taken care of, Alex tried steering the band's team into calling for Focus Creeps' help for the music video for Snap.

It took some convincing, since the lads were still on tour until mid February where they'd have their last show somewhere in the Midwest of the States, but they figured the video could be conceptualized to be recorded without the need of the lads being there. The Brit Awards were just a couple days after the last show of the tour so, the band needed to be on British soil as soon as possible.

Ella and Ben had come up with a good idea for the video so that the lads were involved in the footage but not have to be present on set: they'd use the concept from the recording of AM and portray some sort of breakup scenario between the actress they'd have to hire for the job and Alex. That way, Domino Records could also use the video to announce the AM recording documentary coming out before the Australia/New Zealand tour in May.

Brilliant. It was really a brilliant idea but Alex needed to see her. There was no way he'd be able to hold up until June, when they'd headline Bonnaroo, for him to see Ella. Over six months was way too long and he needed to do something about it.

Alex managed to convince his manager, with just two weeks of anticipation before the day the music video was meant to be recorded, that going to Los Angeles to be present during the recording of the 'Snap Out Of It' was a good idea. He had already bought his ticket before getting the greenlight, thinking it would be fine if he just snuck away from his responsibilities for less than a full day.

Thankfully, after he got the approval, the days had seemed to fly by. Before he knew it, he was bidding farewell to the lively crowd of Saint Louis, Missouri and almost dashing off the stage just to make sure he was closer to seeing her soon.

The guys had laughed seeing him hastily walk away from them at the airport, rushing to get to the horrendously long security line at almost two in the morning whilst the lads took their time to go around the airport for some food and coffee since their flight wouldn't leave until a five in the morning.

The flight from Saint Louis to Los Angeles wasn't that long, merely four hours, but every minute seemed to elongate the more Alex stared at the clock as he waited for the rest of the passengers to board the plane. When they were finally up in the air, he found himself getting more nervous to see Ella again. In his head, he imagined himself flipping through the pages of the scrapbook she'd given him, the one that was in his suitcase so he couldn't exactly get it at that very moment.

Eventually, he fell asleep, all the energy that had lingered in his body after the show had run out and a few hours later, he was being woken up by the voice of the pilot announcing they'd be landing shortly.

Eight in the morning in LAX was an absolute headache, especially avoiding the paparazzi that seemed to perpetually find their places around the arrivals gate, and getting a damn taxi, but he would carry the burden of it all since it meant he was closer to surprising Ella. She had no idea he was coming, he had purposely kept that to himself but he'd had to tell Ben so that he could give him the address for the house they were filming at.

He hated that he couldn't properly stay, not when the Brits were due in three days and they had to rehearse for their presentation. His manager had already warned him against suddenly staying and missing the event; it would look bad if they pulled out of their spot in the show at the last minute, especially when they were nominated for multiple awards.

His flight back to London was later that night, meaning he'd only be able to stay to see Ella and Ben recording the video and then he'd have to go back to the airport. He hoped that by the time he had to go, the video was wrapped up and Ella could have some time with him—even if it was just to say a proper goodbye.

Twenty minutes after walking out through the arrivals gate, he got picked up by a taxi and the drive over to the set was meant to be about forty minutes long. It ended up being over an hour thanks to Los Angeles traffic, which was weird for it being Sunday morning, but not surprising nonetheless.

Ben opened the back door for Alex and after a quick greeting, the singer carefully carried his case up the concrete stairs and into the house, setting it down softly in a corner of the kitchen so that no one heard him coming in. He wished he had recorded it all because when Ella turned around, once Ben had walked back into the living room where everything was set up, and saw Alex, she shrieked and ran towards him.

"What are you doing here?!" She said quickly and breathlessly, like the impact from crashing into his chest and being wrapped in his arms had stolen all the oxygen from her lungs.

He couldn't even find words, not when his smile was so big on his face now that he had her in his arms again. She pulled back, her eyes swimming all over his face as if to make sure he was real, her hands clutching onto his shoulders tightly.

"Oh my god, what are you doing here?" She whispered this time, entirely in shock of it all.

"I had to make it up to you." He shrugged nonchalantly, but the glimmer in his eyes showed the intent behind his presence there.

She smiled brightly, her eyes creasing at the corners in a way that had Alex swooning, "Oh you sure did."

Ella leaned in quickly to press a kiss on his cheek, his eyes closing instantly in bliss at the feeling of her lips on his skin, and then she let go of him because catching a glimpse of Ben standing there with a massive smirk on his face reminded her of the amount of people present in the room and watching their interaction.

"Alright, back to work everyone!" She clapped her hands twice to get everyone's focus away from what had just happened and to lighten the mood and avoid any questions, she joked,  "Boss is here now, gotta make sure it's perfect for him." Cheekily, she turned slightly to look at Alex and winked before turning back to Lydia and going back to work.

Before going back to the scene they'd been shooting, Ella introduced Alex to Stephanie Sigman who was playing the main girl in the music video. They laughed about the state in which she was while meeting the singer, clad in just a pencil skirt and a lace bralette with her makeup all purposely ruined from the tears she'd been uncontrollably shedding for the video.

Alex stepped back and admired Ella and Ben working their magic, appreciating every bit of her concentration and mentally pointing out the little quirks she had as she worked that he'd managed to catch throughout the years.

His smile didn't leave his face the whole time, even more so when he watched the multiple clips Ella had gotten of them recording the album playing on the TV. His stomach doing somersaults inside him when he saw how he smiled at Ella behind the camera in those clips, and he was almost sure that if anyone saw him right then, they would've found him blushing and grinning like an absolute fool.

He was a mess for her, always had been. And that became even clearer to him each day.

An hour must've gone by and Alex was entirely entranced by Ella. He'd felt someone's stare burning on the skin of the side of his neck and when he turned to see who it was, he found Ella's PA, Lydia, staring at him. Only giving her an embarrassed smile back, he prayed she hadn't noticed the way he couldn't peel his gaze off Ella.

He'd gone a bit further away from where everything was set up so that Lydia couldn't catch him again, and he grabbed a water bottle from the kitchen counter to appear casual as he continued watching the crew work.

It was a task tuning his own voice out as time passed, as the song kept repeating over and over, or was fast forwarded or skipped back to a certain point. So he pulled out his phone to update his manager, who in exchange reminded him that his flight left around ten in the evening so he'd have to be at the airport by seven or even a bit earlier, considering how busy LAX got. Alex had gotten so absorbed by the conversation that he didn't notice Ben taking over and letting Ella wander away for a bit.

The speakers blasted the song all over again, making Ella sway her hips softly to it. She mumbled the lyrics under her breath as she walked up to Alex and when she stood beside him, she nudged him gently with her hip and smirked, "This is a banging tune."

Alex smirked back, pocketing his phone and not answering his manager's last text about whether or not he needed a ride to the airport to look at her and then back to where Ben was working his magic with the camera, "Oh well," he shrugged nonchalantly, "You're a great muse."

A weight lifted off his shoulders after finally confessing that to her, and he could only hope that it would push things forward. Maybe with this she'd realize there were many songs about her in the record than she'd thought. He knew she knew 'Arabella' was about her, he'd managed to scoop it out of Flo, and though he hoped her reaction to it was much different now, he still wanted her to know of the songs that were for her in AM.

Ella didn't even have time to think of a response because her mind had gone blank for a few seconds and,  when she managed to gather her bearings, she heard her name being called by Ben to help him with a shot in which he was using the projector.

What the fuck?

With the new piece of knowledge, Ella found herself analyzing every line of the song as the recording continued and it was entirely her fault when she messed up a few takes from how distracted she was.

She didn't even know what to say when Alex told everyone he'd ordered lunch, after he'd ask Lydia when they'd planned for the lunch break to happen, and when everyone sat happily around the place, chatting and enjoying the lovely Italian food Alex had ordered, Ella was oddly silent.

Ben and Alex were engaged in lively conversation and Ella was just standing there, a few feet away from Alex, stuffing her face with the spinach ravioli bolognese that he'd of course gotten just for her. She'd wanted to run to a room in the house and scream into a pillow when he handed her the plate, along with a wink that had almost made her knees buckle.

If Alex had written this song about her, then which other ones could also be about or for her? Ella found herself trying hard to think about each lyric in each song but her brain was a mush. She'd have to listen to the album on the way home and think hard to figure out if the songs she'd even manage to have a feeling were about her, weren't just her reaching and attributing it to herself in confusion.

But first, she needed to finish recording the music video.

Slowly but surely, Ben and Ella wrapped up the shoot around half past three and it took them all about an hour to pack everything up in the small bus so that they could go back to the office.

Ben helped Alex put his suitcase in the back along with some of their camera cases and when he went inside the vehicle, Ella had called him to sit beside her. There was so much going around inside her mind, endless questions that she wanted to ask but with everyone around and the fear of bursting the bubble that they were in, she stayed quiet and chose to just rest her head on his shoulder, closing her eyes and sighing in bliss when she was enveloped by the scent of him.

"Missed you." She mumbled after she felt him kiss the top of her head, warmth seeping through her pores and a smile tugging at the corners of her lips.

Alex hummed, resting his head over hers and closing his eyes to just revel in the moment, "Missed you more."

They fell asleep like that, the million words that formed a tornado in their heads being dulled down by the feeling of having each other close again.

Almost an hour later, they arrived at the office and Ella knew it from the way Alex's face contorted when he looked at the time on his phone that he had to go soon. She picked up her bag from her desk and turned off her computer quickly, doing a quick sweep of her office to check that she wasn't forgetting something and then she looked back at him.

He was about to say something, but in a desperate moment to have him for a little longer, she suggested, "I can drive you to the airport if you'd like."

He hesitated for a split second, knowing it would be a far longer ride because of it being rush hour, but the prospect of spending that time sitting in traffic beside her was way better than in the backseat of a taxi.

Alex nodded, "Sure, but I can drive." He had seen her yawn multiple times the past few minutes, "You're knackered darling."

"You sure?" She asked but she genuinely wanted to agree to his suggestion, he didn't wanna drive at all for the rest of the day.

The singer hummed, extending his hand out to her and she handed him the keys with a soft smile.

"Right, let's go." She nodded once, walking around her desk and intertwining their fingers to leave the place.

Ella couldn't care less about the glances they got as they waved everyone goodbye, all of them very obviously staring at their hands.

Alex's case rolled beside him as they walked out and he swiftly put it in the trunk of Ella's car when they got to it. Ella had almost run to sit on the passenger seat as soon as he opened the car and he'd laughed to himself at the eagerness on her face.

When he got into the passenger car, he took the piss out of her for her seat arrangement. She scoffed and ignored him, and then he looked up and saw that little mirrorball with a little cowboy hat perched on top and he smiled brightly.

"I missed seeing this." He admitted, bringing his finger up to poke at it and the thing started swinging softly and the reflection of the sun on it was like glitter inside Ella's car.

Ella smiled at it, "So pretty, isn't it?" She yawned yet again, behind her hand as she buckled her seatbelt and then got comfortable in her seat, almost like she was going to fall asleep. "M'gonna get you one when I go back home."

Alex started the car with a smile, finding the way she sleepily slurred her words incredibly endearing and he listened to her slurred words for another fifteen minutes as she guided him out onto the highway.

After she'd fallen asleep, Alex found himself enjoying every minute in that car. He didn't care that the traffic had made the journey over an hour long, because he spent it hearing her soft snores and catching glimpses of the pout on her relaxed face, covered by her hair that she blew softly with every exhale.

With a soft squeeze and rubs on her thigh, Alex woke her up slowly as they got closer to the airport. She'd slowly woken up from her slumber, blinking languidly and yawning before she gathered where they were and brushed her hair away from her face as she stretched out in her place.

"Good morning sunshine." Alex joked with a grin on his face, and Ella blushed at the pet name she hadn't expected.

"Hi." She said shyly, continuing to brush her fingers through her hair to detangle it and then diving into her bag to get a piece of gum and pop it in her mouth.

They had to go all the way to level five to find a parking spot and when they walked out of the car, they were hit by the cold winds of February and the loudness of the place. Ella took out a jacket she kept in the boot of her car and put it on, but despite that, Alex still wrapped his arm around her shoulder and clutched her tightly to him as they walked through the parking lot and onto the lifts so they could go down three levels and into the building so Alex could check-in.

There was a long line to the check-in counters and there were so many people at the airport that the noise around them started making them anxious. It didn't help at all that there were so many paparazzi around the place, so Alex kept his sunglasses perched on the bridge of his nose for as long as he could and quietly chatted to Ella as they waited so as not to bring attention to themselves.

Alex only lifted his sunglasses when he got to the counter, Ella's hand tightly clutched in his and he would only let go when he needed to hand in his passport and show his phone with the confirmation number, intertwining their fingers again the second he had his right hand free.

Ella bit her bottom lip to try not to stupidly smile every time, but a grin fought her attempts every time and she freely let herself show how happy his touch made her.

Her smile only faltered when the woman behind the counter asked for Ella's ticket and passport and she had to sadly say she wasn't going with Alex. And only to add to the blooming despair, when the woman checked in Alex's bag and handed him his boarding pass, she let them know that he needed to hurry up because he'd only have a bit over an hour to get through security and get to his gate.

Knowing how LAX got at that time of the day, the lack of any time left together hit them both at the same time and they flashed forced smiles at the woman before thanking her and walking away. Alex hoped that putting his sunglasses back on would help conceal the sadness shining through his eyes.

Walking towards the security line, the looming goodbye weighed heavy on their chests and seeing more and more people joining the back of the line as they approached it only made it worse.

"You really need to get in that line now." Ella sighed heavily, her words coming out pained because she hated having to be reasonable when she didn't want to be.

Alex hummed mindlessly, not really wanting to take her advice into consideration. He cursed having had to agree to performing on the Brits to begin with, he couldn't care less about any good promo for the record or if being invited on stage meant they were assured to win one of the categories they'd been nominated for. Whatever award it was, he'd surely put it away in a box later—he wanted to stay, and he wanted Ella.

His pace slowed as they continued walking, like he was convincing himself more and more of ditching his responsibilities for her. But Ella walked ahead of him, hands still intertwined so he had no other option than to match her pace and follow until they finally stood in the back of the line.

Alex looked at her with a pout, one that she matched but her words came out in an effort to soothe them both, "It's fine. I'll see you soon, yeah?"

Ella scooted a bit closer to his side, and rested her head on his shoulder. Alex wrapped his arm around her waist and kept her close to him, letting his head rest over her head with a deep sigh.

"Yeah." He replied softly, his accent thick and warm as it reached her ears and it almost had her shivering, "Bonnaroo will be fun."

At that, she slowly picked her head up and showed the massive grin that brought to her face, "It will be. I cannot fucking wait."

Even in the most mundane of settings, she looked breathtaking and Alex wanted nothing more than to cup her face and crash their lips together. Not a care in the world that they were in front of the largest crowd, none of them knew just how badly his chest hurt to think about having to leave her yet again.

His eyes dropped to her lips and Ella's breath hitched in her throat at the clear sight of it. In a panic, she changed the subject, "Are you going straight to rehearsal when you get back?" It wasn't that she didn't want that, it was that she didn't know if she could take it. If she could have another taste without wanting to drop to the floor and plead for him to stay.

Alex cleared his throat as he nodded, "Yeah, I land in the morning so I'm probably going straight to the venue."

"When is it again? I need to find a way to watch it." She doubted there could be a way to, she'd most likely would have to be looking through YouTube to find their performance and who were the winners.

"Wednesday night." He frowned slightly trying to search through his mind for a way that would let her watch the show but when he couldn't come up with anything, he promised, "If I can figure out a way for you to watch live, I'll let you know darling."

She hummed, satisfied with that answer, "Thank you sweetness."

They stood in silence then, close to each other and relishing in the warmth each other brought them as the line slowly moved forward. There was only a bit further that she could accompany him in line, she knew that she'd be bothering everyone behind them if she decided to stay with Alex up until it was his turn, and the officer standing by the entrance would ask her for a ticket to make sure only passengers went through, so she'd have to leave as soon as he walked past the glass fence that separated the security check area from the rest of the space.

So it was only a little over ten minutes that Ella stood beside him, before she had to make the decision of peeling herself away from him and actually saying goodbye.

She didn't want to and it was clear in the way the words struggle to slip past her lips. Her frown appeared softly on her face and it deepened as the farewell rose up her throat.

"I need to leave the queue now, sweets." A pout on her face that tied with her furrowed brows made him want to just take her with him, "They're gonna ask for my ticket and everyone behind me will be annoyed I'm taking space in the line when I'm not even leaving."

Alex scoffed at the idea, "Fuck them." He mumbled softly only for her to hear and she chuckled at the firmness of his words.

Turning so that her chest would be flush against his, she wrapped her arms around his neck and held him in a tight embrace. Her eyes fluttered close, not wanting to make eye contact with anyone behind them and it helped her trying to commit the feeling of being in his arms to memory.

Ella heard him hum in bliss and the soft sound stole a smile from her, one that made the apples of her cheeks rise and tint with a faint pink hue that he got to see when she pulled away.

They were so close though, sharing breaths as they took in each other's faces. She wanted to see the brown of his eyes one last time before he left, so she delicately brought her hands to the sides of his face to prop the glasses up on the top of his head. Her smile only got bigger when she saw the richness of color in front of her, his pupils dilating ever so slightly at the action.

Words failed her, she didn't really know what she should've said but nothing came out, every syllable stuck in the back of her throat when her fingers slowly dragged down the skin of his cheeks, a rush of something that felt like a shock to her system when she felt his stubble beneath the pads of her fingers.

She knew she should've asked if it was alright, if she could give into the temptation but she didn't. Ella just closed the distance and finally ended their agony, the feeling of her soft lips on his had Alex inhaling sharply, fingers digging on her waist and pulling her impossibly close.

It was her that hummed this time, when he took over and guided the sweet kiss. It wasn't desperate like they would've expected and it was probably because of the amount of people surrounding them, but it was just what they needed. Like some sort of comfort, a promise of what could become if they would just give into it all, maybe not right then but soon.

And soon couldn't come fast enough.

The kiss didn't last long, but Alex knew that wasn't deliberate just from how firmly she was cupping his jaw. Just as firm as he was holding her waist, not wanting her to move from that spot at all. But she pulled back with a soft smile, her eyes swimming all over his face as if in search of a clear answer and her heart soared in her chest when he leaned back in for another brief kiss.

One that she broke yet again, but he followed with a string of pecks that made her giggle.

But her giggles were interrupted by the man standing behind them clearing his throat, making Alex and Ella turn to look ahead of them and that's when they noticed everyone was waiting for them to follow ahead with the moving line of people.

"Sorry." Ella apologized for the both of them, not really meaning it because she was elated, though her elation was simmering down into a bittersweet feeling at the fact that they were about to move right into the entrance of the security area and it meant that she had to leave.

Alex walked quickly up to where he had to stand, and unfortunately, he found what Ella had said would happen to be right because the officer asked for her ticket and when she awkwardly admitted to not having one, she was asked to step out of the queue.

Thankfully, the officer opened up the railing for her to easily walk out without having to bother everyone behind Alex.

Ella didn't instantly listen though, because she quickly turned back to Alex and cupped his jaw again to pull him in for a quick peck before she said, "See you soon, okay? Love you sweets."

He didn't even have time to reply because she was gone in a matter of seconds and he couldn't even take his time to follow her path with his gaze because the officer rushed him forward and into one of the aisles.

Suddenly, the line started moving faster now that he was in the aisle and he was rushed through. Ella stayed up until he grabbed his belongings and he turned to briefly wave at her, mouthing a quick 'love you' before he was ushered to leave the area by one of the officers that had just cleared him through the scanner.

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Despite being incredibly giddy on her way back home, the long tedious hours she spent by herself while she waited for Alex to text her that he'd landed had been plagued by a storm of thoughts that pushed her into the most pessimistic of states.

Ella knew that if he'd gone for a second kiss then that'd mean something, but she had no idea how to approach the situation at all. They wouldn't see each other until June, four months being apart surely made her courage waver like a house of cards out in the open. Did she even want to properly think about all that she felt when it came to him when she knew there wasn't much at all that they could do about it at that very moment?

It just seemed horrifying and cruel, and Ella had no idea what to do. So she made the decision to let Alex be the one to make the first move, let that be the clear sign that it was something reciprocated.

A stupid decision really, because Alex was just as conflicted about it. He had thought about it the whole flight, falling asleep eventually and dreaming of being able to see her again and just kiss her until their lips were swollen and they had to gasp out for air continuously, dreaming of telling her how she drove him crazy and how he didn't want it any other way.

The kisses shared at the airport were never a topic they touched when they texted after he left. And at first, it was clear that they were walking on eggshells around each other, like they were trying to sway the conversation in that direction but neither of them committed to it. Until Ella took the full day of texts without a mention of the kisses as a sign that it wasn't something he was thinking of and she forced herself to text him like she normally would, Alex following her lead and leaving his unshared thoughts in the back of his head.

When the Brits day arrived, Alex had let her know she could watch the official stream of it on YouTube. He'd comically said, "I haven't a clue of what that means really but that's what Steve told us." She'd cackled at that and called him a grandad, finishing the call wishing them good luck.

She'd wanted to scream when she saw the lads walking onto the red carpet, but she couldn't because she was hidden away in her office with her earphones on after having excused herself for her lunch break. She'd asked Lydia to postpone the two meetings she had later that day so that she could get away with watching the entire award show without interruptions.

And it had been fun, watching the lads perform 'R U Mine?' with the massive AM blazing trails in the other stage. She was amazed at the grandiosity of it all, and she couldn't begin to imagine how hot it must've gotten in that venue due to the fire.

They all looked so good, despite the very different attire they had on. And she was, of course, very biased when she thought just how stunning Alex looked—with that metallic green blazer over a black button down, that he had the top open to showcase the golden chain he always wore, black jeans and his hair styled the usual way.

Whilst the rest of the show went ahead, she mindlessly listened to it in the background as she replied to emails. It wasn't until the 'British Group' category was announced that she went back to put her whole focus on the stream and she squeaked in excitement when Lily Allen announced the Monkeys were the winners.

Ella went from chuckling stupidly at Alex's smolder to cooing over Jamie and Katie sharing a peck, just like Matt and Bre did, to then snort out loud when Alex started his speech. Her snort morphed into a string of giggles that ended in a cackle when he said the last sentence, and she shook her head entirely amused watching them walk back to their table.

Yet, she hadn't expected to laugh even louder when the next category they'd been nominated to came on, Album of the Year, and they won again—this time she'd thought Alex would actually give out a speech about the record but she was comically surprised with an improvised rant about rock 'n' roll that even the lads were giggling about behind the singer.

The way he had to mute his own cursing while thanking everyone had her in stitches already but it was the sudden mic drop by the end of it that made her have to cover her mouth with her hand so she didn't laugh louder than needed.

When she caught her breath back, she reached for her phone and typed a quick message to take the piss out of him for it all.

(19/02/2014 14:06) You're so fucking funny. That speech was something else and the mic drop just brought it all together. Congratulations you clown, so proud of y'all xxxx

She'd gone back to work after she sent that text and eagerly waited for his response, one that came when she was about to exit her office and that had her smiling like an idiot.

(19/02/2014 14:19) I might be a tad tipsy but I'm glad you enjoyed it, love xxx And thank you darling, love you so much xxxxxx Wish you were here :((( xxxxx

That 'love' had assured that her loopy smile stuck on her face for the rest of the day and she had ended up laughing at herself because of the stupid effect he had on her.

She felt pathetic in the best way possible.

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By the time the end of February rolled around, Ella had gotten a nice surprise.

Alice was in Los Angeles to record some songs for Pale Waves' sophomore album and Ella was honestly excited to have a friend over on her side of the pond after being away from everyone for so long.

Pale Waves had stopped touring with AM after the holiday break ended, so that they could focus on finishing their album and Alice had gotten a massive opportunity to travel to LA to work with one of her favorite producers.

The singer had let Ella know a few days before she was due to land on American soil and Ella had made sure to align her schedule to Alice's so that at least they could hang out once or twice while she was there.

It had been on the 26th that Alice had a free day so Ella had taken the day off from work to take Alice around the city and catch up. The girls hadn't seen each other in so long and they only texted ever so often so a lengthy chat was pending.

That was all it really was to Ella: catching up with a friend and making sure that she enjoyed her stay in the city. Nothing more.

Ella had picked her up in the morning and they'd had a lovely breakfast at a cafe by the beach, coffee and pastries shared over mainly work talk. They walked over to the beach and sat down as they watched surfers take on the cold water to ride some waves and Alice let her listen to some demos she had brought to work on when she got there, and a few songs she and her band had already finished.

After they'd spent a fair few hours there, and the sun started bothering them, Ella guided them back to her car and took her to a place she'd recently grown to love more than before: Sunken City.

Yes, it was prohibited to be there and she was risking police fines every time she went but the beauty of the ruins was unmatched and she figured Alice deserved to see a place like it, Ella knew she'd enjoy it.

They'd had to look for a parking spot a bit far away from the place and act very casually as they walked towards the ruins.

Both girls acknowledged the few people there with a tilt of their chins and a soft smile came to their faces when they saw the strangers there doing just what they both were planning on doing, smoking.

Alice had rolled a pair of joints in the car before they walked out to make their way to the intriguing place, and they were planning on carefully trekking around to find a good spot and smoke for a bit before Ella had to drop Alice off back at the hotel she was staying at.

"What was this then?" Alice asked, intrigued by the graffiti on the sides of big rocks that looked humanly impossible to have been put together.

Ella had Alice's hand in hers as she guided them both around, taking careful steps since she knew slipping and falling over would end up poorly, the other arm stretched out to the side so she'd have some help with her balance.

It was good Alice had decided to change her usual platform heeled boots for some flat doc martens that were much safer in this situation.

"This used to be part of the neighborhood back in the 1920s, but there was a landslide in '29 that took a bunch of the houses here into the ocean and people had to relocate." Ella explained softly as she focused on the last few feet she had to get to her favorite spot there.

When she reached it, she carefully pulled Alice closer and sat down at the edge of the tall flat rock first before she could help Alice sit down next to her. The shoulders almost pressed together, their thighs brushing against each other.

"After people moved away, they demolished what was left of the houses and nature just left this after decades." With quickness, Ella took the lighter from her jeans pocket and offered it to Alice. The singer had the joints in her possession so she took them out and offered one of them to Ella, placing the other one between her lips and lighting it up before giving Ella the cowboy boot shaped trinket back.

Ella lit her joint alive and took a long drag, watching Alice take in every bit of the view as she let out the smoke she'd inhaled. "Isn't it gorgeous?" The sky was changing due to the sun coming down to rest on the horizon, a soft orange and pink coming to life behind clouds and it was a promise of a picture perfect sunset to come soon.

Alice hummed, it was eerie yet stunning. Trying to make out the street art on the ruins was becoming distracting as the weed started relaxing her system, her eyes catching the rusted spray paint cans discarded in between the creases of the rocks.

"You come here often?" Alice frowned when she realized how familiar Ella seemed with the place and it honestly surprised her because Ella didn't seem like the type to frequent places like this. Especially not when a huge 'no trespassing' sign welcomed you into the place.

Ella chuckled in amusement at her clear confusion, and took another drag before she answered, "I do now, yeah. I had only driven past twice before but one of my friends from work managed to convince me to come here to take some pictures at the start of the year and after he taught me how and when to come in without getting caught by the police, I've been coming here to clear my head."

Alice snickered in amusement, lifting her joint and waving it briefly in the air to mock, "Clear your head, yeah?"

Rolling her eyes and turning to look straight at Alice, Ella scoffed, "Shut up. You do just the same to clear your head."

Alice cocked her head at Ella's raised brow that felt like a challenge to refute her words. The singer only shrugged with a low chuckle, placing the spliff back between her lips to inhale and a smirk formed on her face after she let the smoke out.

"Amongst other things." Alice teased, her pupils dilating as she stared right into Ella's eyes and she purposely let her gaze drop to her lips.

Ella knew exactly what she was doing, so she smirked to herself and replied with a sarcastic, "Yeah, I'm sure." as if she was fully disinterested.

But Alice made Ella's breath hitch in her throat when she confidently let her hand come over Ella's clothed thigh and squeezed as she said, "You know."

She squirmed in her place when a rush of heat tingled all the way down her spine, nodding mindlessly when she replied, "I do."

Her eyes fell on Alice's lips and she gulped at the proximity they found themselves in. The magnetism Alice had was something that Ella couldn't really explain.

"You really do." Alice added, leaning closer into Ella's space.

Their lips brushed once, Alice teasing Ella with a taste of the feeling of their lips together again and Ella was finally the one to fully close the distance. It had been a while since they'd shared a kiss so Ella's memories of back then flashed to the forefront of her mind in a split second, like the singular touch of their tongues melting together was enough of a deja vu to undo a box of memories that reeled through her mind like a film.

It didn't take long until they started being vocal, gasps for air and soft moans that they swallowed, and it all encouraged them to use their free hands for something. Alice let her hand wander up Ella's thigh until she got closer to her heat and she silently instructed Ella to open her legs. All while Ella rubbed up and down Alice's silky skin, feeling the goosebumps that broke on it from their kiss and cheekily letting her fingers wander to the insides of her thighs and up until she hit the hem of her shorts, only to make Alice a bit louder.

However, all of the sudden, as if her brain was begging her to remember, the memory of the kiss she'd shared with Alex at the airport managed its way through and made her stop.

Ella had pulled Alice slowly until the singer had lifted herself up and was about to straddle her when Ella harshly pulled back and broke the kiss, hurriedly saying, "Allie– No. I can't."

Alice saw the way the color drained from Ella's face and she quickly sat back down beside her, a frown taking over her expression and she genuinely asked Ella, "Are you okay?"

In Ella's brain there was a horrendous turmoil that had shook her. A heavy weight of guilt came down on her chest and almost made her wheeze out for a breath. She nodded as she struggled to get herself together, her words came out choked out thanks to her dry mouth and throat, "Erm, yeah. I just– I'm sorry."

She felt the need to apologize because, after all, she had been the one to start the kiss. But Alice wouldn't have that, so she shook her head and brushed Ella's hair behind her ear and shoulder, "Ella, don't apologize." She kissed her shoulder softly in reassurance and smiled sweetly at her to add, "You don't owe me a thing, no need to apologize."

"It's just, I–" Ella tried to explain, but she didn't know how to even begin to put the mess of thoughts together into coherent sentences.

Alice shook her head once more and with her hand coming back to rest over her leg, this time she let it innocently rub soothing circles on her skin as she continued calming her down, "You don't have to explain anything to me baby, it's okay."

The singer could almost hear the erratic thumping of Ella's heart because of how quiet the director had gotten. The dancing of the waves on the shore took over, as well as the birds flying over them and the chatter of the strangers they'd walked past earlier.

"Don't go quiet on me, it's fine." Alice broke the silence after letting Ella revel in it for a few minutes, they were about to finish their spliffs and Alice took the hanging of Ella's shoulders as a sign of her relaxing again. She knew she'd have to be the one to push her out of the pit she'd thrown herself into so she playfully nudged her and encouraged, "C'mon, tell me about how it was the first time you came here and how badly you were shitting yourself about it."

Hearing Ella laugh over her choice of words was music to Alice's ears and, just like that, they spent the rest of their time there. Lighting up cigarettes after their joints were finished, chuckling and admiring the sunset beautifully forming in front of them.

Before they left, they took a quick few pictures together. They had no idea when it would be that they'd see each other again so they wanted to keep a memory. Cheek to cheek, they posed for Alice's camera and they took a few selfies like that. The first ones were just of them smiling, and then Alice stuck her tongue out as Ella made a kissy face—the singer's tongue poked at Ella's pursed lips making her giggle after the shutter was pressed. In amusement, Ella copied Alice and stuck her tongue out too, letting their tongues touch shamelessly for the camera.

The sunset had long before it would die down but Ella knew it was around this time of the day that the cops came to check on the place, so she rushed them both out of the place and when they got to the car she breathed in relief. It was always like that when she went to Sunken City, she wasn't a rule-breaking girl even if she tried to.

As she started the car, Ella made Alice send her the pictures to her email and the singer did just that. Ella would've taken a few with her own phone but it had run out of battery, unfortunately. On the way back to her hotel, Alice took over the aux and she enjoyed introducing Ella to music she had never really heard before—she took a video of Ella bobbing her head and humming along Blink-182.

Meanwhile, Alex was sitting at a circular table with the rest of the band, along with Bre, Katie and Kelly, and he was rather tipsy at the NME Awards. They had already accepted three awards and they were fucking buzzing with energy—and alcohol. He couldn't stop his fingers from sending a bunch of texts and he kept them coming despite Ella's lack of replies.

It wasn't until he was at the afterparty, once he had found himself in a boring conversation he could tune out, that he pulled out his phone to check for the hundredth time if Ella had replied that he checked Instagram and his heart had dropped to the ground at what he saw.

Alice had posted the selfie where she and Ella had their tongues out and captioned it 'always want a taste of my favourite cowgirl xxx' and right after, she'd posted the video of Ella dancing to a Blink-182—he had excused himself and brought his phone speaker up to his ear to hear the video and he rolled his eyes in anger hearing their laughter and Alice singing and encouraging Ella to keep dancing with the sweet talk she always gave the American girl.

The jealousy streaming through his veins was bitter and hot, and it was enough to cloud the excitement of having won six awards that night.

His thoughts started going into the worst direction and he was fucking fuming just thinking about how he was almost entirely certain they'd shagged again.

Alex stomped on the bud of the cigarette with fury and he started throwing back drinks consistently all through the rest of the night.

All the alcohol he ingested backfired on him and he had ended up drunk dialing Ella's phone way too many times, until he passed out on top of his bed in the same clothes he'd worn all night.

When he woke up, his mind was foggy enough to have forgotten about just what had sent him down a spiral, but when he groaned as he lifted himself up on the bed and checked on his phone, a text from Ella brought it all back and he just wanted to be sick right then and there.

(26/02/2014 20:54) Sweets, I'm so sorry I didn't answer your calls! My phone died and I only just got back home from spending the day with Alice. I'm really tired, honestly, and I bet you're asleep by now so I'll call you tomorrow okay? Love you and congratulations!!!! Don't let the 'hero of the year' award get to your head though, it's already big as it is ;)) xx

If 'spending the day with Alice' wasn't clear proof that she had shagged the singer, Alex didn't know what it was. Out of pettiness he didn't reply, leaving Ella on read the rest of the day and he watched the phone ring and ring multiple times in the evening but he never answered her calls.

He felt ridiculous but he was angry and he knew he had no legs to stand on but he just couldn't help himself. Though, he knew he shouldn't be directing his annoyance at Ella. He didn't even want to think about how Alice fucking knew he had feelings for Ella and yet, she went ahead and fucked her, and rubbed it on his face again.

His fingers hurt and felt numb by the end of the day from how hard he'd been clenching his fists all day thinking about the horrendous situation. The hangover he was sporting didn't help either, and the only thing he could rely on was the rich rainfall of warm water inside his shower where he spent almost an hour trying to calm down.

Before he went to bed, he warily sent her a text, one that sounded so disingenuous it made him cringe after he sent it.

(27/02/2014 17:26) Sorry, I've been so hungover I had to turn my phone off to be able to peacefully sleep it off. I'll call you when I start feeling like a person again. Thank you for the love, take care Ellie xx

Ella instantly knew something was off, and she wanted to be sick when she got that text while she was stuck in traffic on the way back home. She had a white knuckle grip on the steering wheel the rest of the way back, but she couldn't find a reason for his behavior. Despite her gut telling her the opposite, she had to attribute it to his supposed hangover, and she just hoped it was nothing else.

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When March came around, so did Breana and Matt. The couple arrived in the morning of the second day of the month and Ella had picked them up from the airport with a bright smile on her face.

Her heart swelled in her chest having the pair back in Los Angeles and they all had the best time having brunch in West Hollywood before they went back to Bre's house. There they sat down in front of a flat screen and played the Arabella music video which had just come out an hour before.

Ella had gasped at the sudden lewdness of the video and by the time it ended, she asked so many questions about how it had been to shoot all that. She'd subtly asked about the scenes that Alex had to film, since she was still playing on loop the scene of Alex walking into a woman changing and it had left her uncomfortably squirming in her place. Thankfully, this time Matt hadn't chosen to joke around and actually told her how different it had been and Ella found herself curious about the director's methods.

The rest of the day had been spent catching up and Ella had been the one surprised by the news that Matt and Bre had decided to look for a house in Los Angeles and move in together. Ella had squeaked in excitement and hugged them both tightly, joking about how she'd have to go into whichever place they would decide to go for with gloves because she was sure the first thing they would do would be christening every corner and surface of that house.

By the end of the night, they'd been sleepily brainstorming what could be done for Bre's birthday and they had decided to just go to a pub or a club and celebrate there, knowing how long it had been since they'd partied together, Matt agreed saying it was a needed evening after all that time.

So when the fifth of March rolled around, they had found themselves, along with a handful of Bre's friends, at a club where they celebrated the birthday girl. Ella hadn't planned on drinking that much but Bre kept convincing her of taking shot after shot and she'd ended up giggling uncontrollably as they danced.

When Ella had been sent for another round of shots though, a guy came up to her and started chatting her up and she'd flushed much more than usual thanks to the alcohol in her blood. The guy had ended up saving his number in her phone and making sure to have her call him, to which Ella hesitantly agreed.

Bre had seen it all and she'd asked all about it but Ella didn't have much to say, the guy and every word he uttered was so forgettable that the whole interaction slipped her mind and she just shrugged when she mentioned he'd given her his number.

Ella had let herself forget about it until the day of her birthday.

She'd decided to just stay in that day, inviting a few of her work friends over as well as Bre and Matt. There were multiple wine bottles and a few snack plates as well as charcuterie boards, so it was gonna be a calm night of pure chatter and good food.

It was around eleven in the evening that Bre decided to bring the cake she'd gotten Ella and light up some candles to sing her happy birthday, before some of her friends left. So Matt facetimed Alex from his phone to make sure he was present for that moment, like he had promised the drummer to do earlier when he had called to wish Ella a happy birthday.

Alex had stayed on the phone for a longer time though, hearing as Ella's co-workers left after midnight, wishing her happy birthday and thanking her for a lovely night. He'd been smiling the whole time and he had laughed along with Bre, Ella and Matt when the three of them were the only ones left at Ella's house.

They'd started cleaning up by the time the clock hit one in the morning and, since it wasn't really that entertaining, Matt had let Alex go. Alex said bye to Bre and wished Ella a happy birthday one last time before he hung up the phone, and it was just as he was hearing Matt promising to call him in the next few days, that he heard Breana saying something that just felt like another knife to the heart.

"Why didn't that guy from the other night come? I thought you were gonna invite him."

He didn't even get a chance to hear Ella's response because Matt ended the call, and he wallowed in self pity for no reason because Ella had shrugged and waved her best friend's question off by clearing up, "I didn't even call him after all. Wasn't really interested, if I'm being honest."

Yet, Alex hadn't heard those words and he was left thinking about it the rest of his day. But this time, he didn't let his jealousy turn into a cold shoulder treatment, because in all honesty it had been painful to read the meek messages he sent her after he saw Alice's posts. He'd remembered how badly he'd fucked up that night at the pub when Ella was in London and he didn't want a repeat of that so he had eventually had to suck it up and force himself to go back to normal.

So he knew he could swallow it and move on, it was hard ignoring the ache in his chest though. He shook his head at himself when he found his thoughts going back to the words Bre had said and forcing himself to stop thinking about it was a challenge, but he had to remind himself that he was in no position to react like that and that if he let it poorly show like he had before, he could fuck things up.

And that was the last thing he needed.

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The rest of March and the start of April had been filled with everyone throwing great news around and the smiles seemed to be always present in everyone's faces.

Nick and Kelly had surprised the group with the news of a baby on the way, making Ella and Bre cry on facetime when they called and showed the scan pictures of the baby growing in Kelly's belly.

Jamie and Katie had been finishing up the last details of their wedding and the American girls had gotten loads of pictures of every single dress Katie had tried on throughout her dress shopping week that she spent going from shop to shop accompanied by her family, Florence and Kelly.

Bre and Matt had managed to put an offer on a house in Hollywood Hills that they fell in love with and they had gotten it accepted, meaning they just had to endure about a fortnight of paperwork in order to close the sale and finally say the house was theirs.

It was when Bre and Matt finally got the keys to their house and were able to take out the 'sold' sign out of the grass by the mailbox, that they invited everyone over for the weekend so that they could celebrate everyone's news.

Nick, Jamie, Kelly and Katie had all been in the same flight so they arrived together at Matt and Bre's new house in the early afternoon of a Friday in the middle of April. Alex had basically spent most of his time back home doing a press tour due to the rise of the record—their label wanting the band to go around doing interviews and magazine covers and articles to ride the high of it all—but he had done it all alone, and he had a radio interview in the morning of that very Friday so he had to leave in a later flight and got there late in the evening.

They'd planned a barbecue for Saturday and since the new house was so close to the Universal Studios amusement park, they were all thinking of spending the first half of the day there until they had to leave so everyone was ready for their late night flight back home on Sunday.

Ella had woken up early and gone to the shops to get snacks and drinks and whatever else she thought they might need, making sure to not forget the housewarming gifts she'd bought for the couple: a funny welcome mat that said 'come in' but if it was flipped upside down it changed into 'go away', a box of condoms and a fun little set of leather cuffs. Ella had giggled when picking the things up and she'd giggled some more when wrapping them up.

She cursed the couple a few times when stuck in traffic for deciding to live so far away from her, but when she got there and saw Bre and Matt open the door and wave at her as she pulled into the driveway, Ella cooed at the image.

"I'm so fucking happy for you two." Ella said after she crashed into them and wrapped them in a group hug, her eyes closed and a big smile on her face.

Bre dropped a kiss on her cheek at the same time as Matt said, "Thank you Ellie."

When Ella pulled back, she smirked, "I might place some bets in a bit. See how fast you manage to knock her up."

Matt's smirk showed instantly on his face and Bre cackled next to him. He proudly puffed his chest out and shrugged nonchalantly as he replied, "Well it's not like we aren't practicing."

"Of course you are. Filthy bitches." Ella joked with a giggle stuck in her throat, but before she could continue her taunting, she turned around to head back to her car, calling out behind her, "C'mon Matthew, help me with the things I brought."

The drummer followed her but scolded her for going against what they'd told her the previous day on the phone, "Ella, we told you we got everything."

And Ella clearly remembered them saying how they had everything covered and that the only thing they needed was her to be there but she wouldn't have that, she wasn't showing up empty handed. So she easily sing-sang, "Don't care!" as she walked up to her car and opened the trunk.

Matt was handed a pair of grocery bags with a few pints of ice cream and a few cuts of meat, managing to carry a strawberry cheesecake she'd bought for everyone to have later and Bre came up to them when she saw the big beer case that was left to be brought out of the boot of the car. Ella thanked them before she grabbed the gifts and her big bag with clothes and a towel for her to use after the pool.

Before she went out to the backyard, she helped put the ice cream, beer and the cheesecake in the fridge whilst Matt took the meat to the barbecue to season it and start cooking it along with the rest of food they had outside.

Bre showed Ella the array of alcohol they had already cooled in the fridge, but Ella opted to start it calmly with just a beer.

When she walked out through the open sliding doors, she was met with a scene that she'd missed very much. The chatter full of thick accents and those laughs she knew so well flooded her with a warm sense of familiarity and she almost wanted to cry.

"Hi!!!" She loudly greeted everyone, her smile so big that her eyes creased at the edges.

A chorus of "Ella!" was heard and everyone scrambled around to come up to her and greet her with hugs that swelled her heart with love.

She'd spent a little longer hugging Nick and Kelly, tearing up when touching the little bump that Kelly was sporting at about fifteen weeks. And those tears had managed to slip down her cheeks when she finally got her arms around Alex's frame.

"Missed you, sweets." She whispered in his ear, sniffling after the words left her lips and rubbing her thumb over the fabric of his white shirt.

Alex swayed them softly for a few seconds before plating a chaste kiss on her cheek and pulling away to reciprocate, "Me too darling."

The first thing they did was start the barbecue so that they could eat before getting in the pool as they waited for the sun to rise higher and burn brighter on them all.

The lads proudly showed Ella the High Green sign they had managed to put up on the wall right by where the grill was placed, and she giggled at their excitement only to run to her bag and get her camera to take a picture of them all in front of it.

As they waited for the food to cook, they sat down on the lounge chairs and caught up on what they'd all been up to. Everyone was more focused on Nick and Kelly's story about how they found out about the baby and what had been said on the first scan they'd had, so most of the conversation was centered on the little O'Malley who, according to the doctor, was coming at the end of September.

The food had been thoroughly enjoyed, loud chatter and laughter joined the chirping of the birds and the sway of the leaves from the wind, which was doing little to keep them fresh thanks to the sun now burning down on their skins. Most of everyone's clothes had been discarded so that they could be fresh as they ate and drank but eventually it got too hot and Matt was the first one to jump into the pool.

Bre and Katie followed shortly after, jumping in hand in hand and swiftly coming back up with bright smiles on their faces. Nick had taken the path of going down the stairs by the shallow end of the pool and he had expected Kelly to do the same but she jumped in just like the girls had done. Everyone laughed at the way Nick's face fell in shock and the deep breath he took after Kelly came back up.

Ella was finishing the last of her steak before getting in the pool when Alex stood up and shed himself off his shoes and his shirt which had already been fully opened. She'd been trying not to gawk at his figure even if she wouldn't be obvious behind her sunglasses, so she'd forced herself to keep her gaze on her plate as she stabbed on the last cut of meat she had.

That's why she hadn't noticed the way everyone in the pool exchanged mischievous looks with the singer.

Alex startled her by wrapping his arms firmly around her middle from the back and she'd gasp after swallowing the last bite of food she had in her mouth.

"Alex don't!" She pleaded in desperation, she dropped her plate on the chair beside her hip and that was when he finally picked her up and started walking forwards with her in his arms.

Ella squirmed in his hold, kicking her legs but it did nothing to have him put her down. If anything, she was only accentuating just how close they were because the more she moved, the more she felt him clearly against her.

Her cheeks tinted pink and she got hotter as he got closer to the edge of the deep end, and she heard him chuckle in her ear after she begged once more, "Please, Alex! Don't!"

But before she could try her luck once more, Alex leaped forward and made the both of them jump into the pool together.

She came up with a gasp and took a deep breath before turning around to find Alex and shove him, "You bitch!"

The laughter was loud around them, and Alex looked far too pleased with his actions. The corners of his lips pulled up in a gorgeous toothy grin that made her melt and she let herself come back down into the water to cool her face and brush her hair backwards.

She realized then that her glasses were gone so she scoffed as soon as she came up to the surface, "Alex!" She whined loudly, "My sunglasses!"

The cackles that her words elicited were obnoxiously loud but she sucked it up when the singer looked down and instantly dove down to find them. The group watched Alex's blurry silhouette move under the water until he came up with the black shades in hand and a soft smile.

He purposely got close to her and wrapped an arm around her waist to pull her in when he came back afloat, "Sorry, darling. Here you go." He said smoothly, handing her the sunglasses which she took with a glare but she still wrapped her arms around his shoulders.

"Thanks." She muttered before putting the glasses back on, her stoic face being a challenge to keep on when he left a wet kiss on her cheek.

Bre had elbowed Matt before he could say anything about the pair because she knew her boyfriend was just biting his tongue to tease them about their proximity. Instead, she chose to start a conversation about their plans for the next day and suggested a visit to Universal Studios since they were merely fifteen minutes away from the place.

From then on, conversation had flowed smoothly and the next few hours had been spent drinking and chatting, laughing and smoking. Music had started playing from a speaker Matt brought out sometime in the middle of the afternoon and it kept playing until they decided to act like children and start chicken fighting.

Kelly had opted out so she and Nick had been assigned as 'referees' to 'keep an eye out on the fairness of each round', or whatever Matt had said along those lines.

Bre had managed to knock Ella down the first round, undoubtedly because Matt had kicked Alex and made him falter so Ella was thrown off balance and fell backwards into the water.

So while Ella waited to see who she had to fight next, from Bre and Katie who were currently fighting, she'd gotten lost in the way the sunshine gleamed on the girls' skins and how stunning they both looked.

No one could or should blame her for staring really—the two girls were models and for a damn reason.

She'd been lost appreciating their features being accentuated by the golden sunlight that Alex's touch suddenly on her face made her heart jump out of her chest.

His right hand cupped her jaw and he turned her face to the side so she could look at him, fingers firmly on her skin and, when his thumb came up to brush against her bottom lip, her breath hitched in her throat.

This is it, she thought. All that was going through her mind was how it would be then that he'd kiss her again. And she was certain that she would collapse right then and there.

Except, when Alex leaned forward, he never closed the distance. Instead, he opened his mouth to whisper, "You're drooling a bit there, darling." in a mocking manner after having found her gawking at the girls.

Suddenly, his touch was gone and so was he, only leaving her with the warm breath that left his lips as he chuckled to hit her parted mouth.

Ella had no idea why she felt so defeated by the turn of events and she cursed herself for being an idiot and getting her hopes up with suck quickness.

She had to act like nothing had happened, gulping harshly and rolling her eyes, turning her head back around to watch the girls, but she wasn't watching anymore. Not really. Her gaze was stuck somewhere in the background, staring into a brick wall as she bit the inside of her cheek and the feeling of her heart dropping and her blood running suddenly cold made her shiver.

Swimming to the stairs, she came out of the pool and poured herself a shot of whiskey. She tossed it back in a split second, hissing to herself when it burned down her throat and then she walked up to her bag to get herself a cigarette. She needed the sweet relief of nicotine so desperately then, to numb herself down a little—she wished she'd brought some weed with her.

"Idiot." She mumbled to herself when she couldn't get the lighter to spark, having to let out a deep sigh before trying again and when it finally lit up the end of her cigarette a familiar orange hue, she took a long and deep drag.

After that, every touch that Alex left on her skin, deliberate or not, burned like a cigarette burn that she was so painfully aware of. Each brush of his fingers sparked more doubts in her mind, she was so distracted by her own stupid worries that she was trying so hard to ignore, that she'd missed many words directed at her.

The latest one being Katie asking her if she could help her bring the dessert out for everyone. Ella apologized for making her repeat herself but nodded as enthusiastically as she could and followed the model inside to get the cheesecake out of the fridge.

Singing along to a Stones song that was playing outside, Katie and Ella worked steadily as they cut a piece of dessert for everyone to enjoy. There was something about cutting the pieces of cake that reminded Katie of her upcoming wedding and that's when the realization came to her that she hadn't told Ella the good news.

"Wait, did we tell you we have a date for the wedding yet?" The knife hung in the air as the model looked at Ella with eyes wide, praying that she had told her but just forgotten.

But Ella shook her head and smiled at Katie so she wouldn't worry about it, "No! When is it?"

Still, Katie's face fell and the color of her cheeks paled a bit as she apologized, "Oh god, I'm so sorry." She quickly plated the last piece before dropping the knife on the sink and then grabbing Ella delicately by the shoulders, "It's on May 15th, please tell me you can come."

The specific date rang in Ella's head and her memory itched with the faint knowledge of something happening around those days. She didn't really remember though, so she asked, "Is it here?" before she could check her calendar.

"London." Katie answered quickly, "This venue we really wanted but were waitlisted for called us last week and told us they'd gotten a cancellation for that day and we just said yes."

The elation shined through Katie's face and it melted Ella's insides, "Awh, I'm so happy that worked out for y'all."

Katie pulled her in for a hug and mumbled against her ear, "I know, we're buzzing too. But please tell me you can come."

"I think I have something scheduled for May but I don't think anything important." Ella commented before pulling away from the hug, knowing she'd have to make sure on her calendar and since it was outside, she pointed towards the sliding door and said, "Let me check." before walking quickly towards her bag to retrieve her phone.

When she was back in the kitchen, Katie watched expectantly as Ella skimmed through her phone. Her heart dropped right with Ella's when she watched Ella's smile falter to then curse under her breath, "Oh shit."

"Don't tell me it's bad news." Katie pleaded, as if she didn't know Ella's expression meant just that.

Ella cringed when she looked up and sighed heavily, "I have a shoot that whole week and the next one."

"Can you reschedule?" Katie asked quickly, even though it seemed almost impossible if the shoot was two weeks long.

Ella considered the possibility for a split second but she remembered the long document she'd signed and she remembered reading something about there not being a possibility to change the dates of the shoots, "I signed a contract..."

Katie started fiddling with her fingers, trying to come up with a solution, "We'll pay whatever the penalty for infringing it is– You have to be there!"

Ella pouted and nodded in agreement but she went back to her phone to find the contract and see what exactly it said. She frowned as she searched through her email, giving Katie a quick rundown on what the ambitious project was for, "The contract is with the university I went to. We're shooting this short film in Boston and submitting it to the Los Angeles film festival."

"So you can't come?" Katie barely mumbled, as if saying it louder would mean it to be true.

But, the volume of their words didn't matter because Ella found the ten page document and when she found the section talking about bookings and flights and venues, she winced and bit the inside of her cheek as she read over and over to understand that the answer wasn't gonna help at all.

"I'm afraid I can't, no." Flights and accommodation had already been booked, locations to film had already been separated and the proper city permits for the project had been granted for those dates, making it all impossible to be pushed to another date. "Fuck..."

Katie pouted, her heart heavy in her chest and she walked the few steps that separated her from Ella to envelope the director in a hug, "I'm so sad now."

"I'm sorry." Ella mumbled, hating that she would have to miss such an important event for her friends.

Katie didn't want Ella to think it was on her though, so she pulled back and shook her head, "No, babe, you're fine. This is so last minute, don't worry." Katie could also see how big of a thing that shoot would be for Ella and her career so she wouldn't want her to feel like she had to pull out of the project for their wedding. It didn't mean she wasn't devastated by the knowledge of her absence that day, "Just heartbroken you won't be there."

Placing her phone on the kitchen counter, Ella clutched Katie tightly to herself and agreed, "I know, me too."

With two plates in hand each, Katie and Ella walked outside and handed the dessert around. There were still four more plates to bring so the girls walked back into the kitchen to grab the last of them.

As she was about to hold two plates, Ella stopped in her tracks and turned to Katie with a suggestion, "Wait. How about I compensate for this?"

"What?" Katie asked, confused.

"For not going to your wedding."

Katie's brows rose in understanding and then she waved Ella off softly, "It's not your fault, you don't have to compensate for anything."

Ella nodded, coming to terms with that but a smirk showed on her face when she pushed, "Okay but let me be able to participate somehow."

Her smirk was contagious, a soft one pulling at Katie's corners of her lips as she said, "Right, I'm listening."

She had no idea what to expect and it was a nice surprise when the American girl suggested, "Do you wanna have a photoshoot tomorrow?" with a cheeky grin on her face.

A soft "Oh?" left Katie's lips at the idea of it.

She was about to say yes, not really a doubt in mind that a photoshoot with Ella would be a dream, but when Ella mischievously added, "We'll need to buy some things in fun stores but I reckon it'll be a good wedding gift." then it clicked in Katie's head what the girl was suggesting.

"Is this what I think it is?" Katie whispered, as if the naughty idea that had been thrown in the air wordlessly was meant to be kept secret.

Ella giggled at Katie's eager face and nodded, "Yeah."

"Okay, deal." Katie put her hand out for Ella to share, which she did with a louder string of giggles and when it was settled, Katie squeaked softly and added, "Oh I'm so excited!"

Finally grabbing the last four plates, they walked back outside. There, they handed those who were missing their sweet food and when Katie sat beside Ella at the edge of the pool with their feet dipped in the warm water, the model gave everyone the sad news.

As soon as Katie said Ella wasn't gonna be able to attend, everyone loudly talked over each other but the main word everyone had said was, "Why?" so Ella easily explained the reasoning behind it all.

With pouts and grimaces on their faces, the group came around to understanding after a wave of possible solutions that were just too much of an inconvenience for both parties.

"I'll steal Katie tomorrow, if you don't mind Cookie." Ella let the guitarist know, trying to hide the smirk that appeared on her face by eating the last of her cake slowly. "You know, to make it up to her."

Jamie stared at the pair with curiosity, he could see that they were planning something but he had no clue what it could be, so he joked, "And when are you making it up to me?"

Ella had to press her lips together not to give it all away, and she forced herself to act nonchalant as she shrugged, "Soon, I suppose."

Jamie hummed, narrowing his eyes at her and then his fiance but when they only giggled to each other and said nothing else, he figured he would be able to find out what it would be soon enough.

That night, after spending more hours messing about in the pool with alcohol and lit cigarettes in hand, Ella and Katie left to go back to Ella's house.

Before they could go to sleep, Ella went online and booked a hotel room, one that they both liked and that thankfully was close to The Grove so that they could go shopping and then to their shooting location quicker.

Going shopping for lingerie with Katie was fun. Ella had never been one to feel properly comfortable going into one of the stores because she always felt watched and judged but being there with Katie, who had actually pushed her into the changing rooms so that she could also try some sets and cute babydolls, was entertaining and Ella enjoyed herself.

"These are gonna look gorgeous dusting away in my closet." Ella joked as they left with an arm full of shopping bags each. "Thank you though, that was fun." Katie kissed her cheek loudly and, after taking a break to go grab something to eat, they got some gorgeous heels for Katie to wear.

After getting to the hotel and checking in, everything had gone incredibly smoothly and it just brought the biggest smiles to their faces. Katie trusted her wholeheartedly and she was a model so this wasn't her first rodeo, therefore it all added to the easy and enjoyable journey the afternoon was being.

The thing about boudoir photography was that it was tricky to find that balance between erotic and mysterious, showing much more than usual but keeping it enticing and evoking lust, hunger and passion. But with a woman like Katie posing for the camera, Ella found it so easy to play in so many different angles and spaces that just worked on the subtle storyline they were keeping for it.

By the time the clock hit five in the afternoon, the girls took the last of the pictures and once the sun started to set, they got everything they'd brought and went back downstairs to the lobby to check out and rush back to Matt and Bre's house.

When they got there, everyone was ready to head to the airport. Multiple suitcases were waiting by the door whilst everyone was having one last drink in the living room as they waited for Katie and Ella to come back. Thankfully, Katie had taken her case with her so she'd put everything away in the hotel before coming back so that she'd be ready to go when they stepped foot in the house.

The minute Bre stepped back into the living room with Ella and Katie in tow, everyone downed the last of their drinks and scrambled to get their things and leave as soon as they could. Their flight was leaving in a few hours, and they knew just how busy LAX would be on a Sunday night.

That was why the goodbyes exchanged were hasty and brief. They got the eight minutes it took for the big van they'd ordered to take them to the airport as the time to bid each other farewell.

Katie squeezed Ella tightly before she got inside the vehicle and Jamie had cheekily asked what they'd done as he hugged Ella goodbye, only to get a giggle and an obviously faux, "I don't know." as an answer.

Kelly and Nick briefly trapped her in a hug and Ella made them promise to come back soon so that she could do a little maternity shoot for them. Kelly cooed at the thought and took her up on the opportunity, making sure to promise that the second they'd plan on coming back, she'd be the first to know.

Alex, who had been helping Matt put the luggage in the back of the van, walked up to Ella last. She was still facing the van's open door so when he came up to her, he trapped her in a headlock and dipped his face so he could press a long kiss on her cheek.

The two couples inside the vehicle saw the way Ella's face lit up at the contact, her nose and eyes scrunching up and her lips pulled into a loopy grin.

Ella's arms wrapped instinctively around Alex's waist and she turned in his hold to hide her face in the crook of his neck. She left a few pecks there before she pulled back and whispered, "Be back soon okay? I'll miss you."

Alex's gaze went all over her face and she noticed the way the brown of his eyes gleamed when the lights of the house's porch hit them. She licked her lips subconsciously and, though his eyes dropped to see her plump pink mouth, he didn't close the distance.

Instead he nodded, pressing a kiss on her forehead and he mumbled, "Me too, so much." against her skin. The fact that he hadn't used this opportunity to kiss her made her thoughts tangle in confusion, she had thought that he'd be the one to make that first move considering she was the one to initiate it the last time.

Still, she let her eyes flutter close and inhale his scent, relishing in his hold and the force with which his fingers dug into her flesh like he didn't want to let go.

But he did. Leaving her exposed to the wind and her skin broke out in goosebumps when she watched him walk up and into the van, closing the door behind him.

Ella took a few steps backwards, until she stood beside Matt and Bre by the front door, and she waved them goodbye as the van started to move. She managed to see the singer blowing her a kiss through the polarized windows, her stomach flipping inside her as that familiar feeling of longing settled in her again. That same old weight on her chest that forced her to take a deep breath to be able to collect herself.

The second the vehicle was out of their sight, she turned around to look at Bre and Matt and sighed with a pout, "Well, I gotta go. I'm in work early tomorrow."

Bre whined when she said that and she hugged her so tight as she tried to convince her to stay that Ella'd had to beg Matt to save her from the model's hold. Matt hugged her just as tight but way shorter, only to bother her, before he jokingly ushered her away.

"Yeah no, off she goes. I have someone to do and many places for that to happen at."

Ella loudly gagged and flipped him off, "Disgusting!" She grabbed her keys from the back pocket of her jeans though and waved them goodbye, "Love ya'! See ya'!"

Even if she didn't want to know whatever they were going to do, she was so glad to see the couple smiling so brightly as she drove away. She lit up a cigarette, rolling down her window, to forget about how badly she missed that feeling of being madly in love—to forget about a certain person that came to her mind, and that kiss she'd wanted him to give her, only to squeeze her heart and make it ache more.

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It was merely a bit more than a week that Matt had stayed in Los Angeles, taking Breana with him to the Australia and New Zealand leg of the AM tour.

If Ella thought it had been horrendously difficult for her to keep up with Alex and the rest of the group when they were in Europe, she'd almost wanted to cry by the time half of the dates were done and she had barely spoken to him, or even Bre for that matter, a handful of times.

They'd never catch each other online, only seeing the messages each other sent hours before and it just multiplied the longing and the great feeling of the distance that separated them tenfold. It was so discouraging and to Ella it just felt like more cruel proof of why it was never gonna happen between them both. For Alex, the deep cut of his despair pushed him towards a sea of realizations that he was too afraid to navigate so he pushed the feelings to the back of his head for the time being.

Ella was following along their shows and whatever promo they were doing over on the other side of the world through Twitter, which had become her main source of updates, and that was how she'd found out Alex and Matt had spent one of their free days in between shows to go to a few radio shows.

One of them was Triple J, and she'd found a link to the full interview from some tweet going around.

With an idiotic smile on her face, Ella listened to Matt and Alex chatting to the radio host, laughing over the way Alex just let Matt take over for him and when the drummer would make him answer something, he'd purposely keep it brief and giving a 'boring answer' as he'd said himself after answering one of the questions.

After a few minutes of chat, the host introduced the acoustic version of 'Do I Wanna Know?' the lads were doing and she smiled like a fool when hearing the first strum of the guitar. She really loved this song.

Softly, she sang along, low enough to just enjoy Matt and Alex's voices. The lyrics were gorgeous and she found herself gushing over Alex's writing talent all over again. The 'darling's he sang made her tummy flutter and she felt the heat rushing to her cheeks.

When the song ended, Ella liked that they included a bit of them messing about and talking about other people's covers of the song they'd just performed, she giggled at the way Alex taunted Matt to answer for him and she wished she was there to actually ask him what he had actually thought of the Miley Cirus cover—one which she was gonna check out after she watched the next video.

The host announced a cover coming next and she was intrigued by the weird clue Matt had given the audience. It sounded like distorted audio and she was so curious to know. Though she still had a giggle at the random and funny chatter going around.

She made a mental note to ask for a 50 Cent song whenever she and the lads were out, because she gasped in surprise when Alex said he'd never experienced one of his songs in the club.

When Matt revealed it was a Tame Impala song, Ella felt her heart leap in her chest. After having a good laugh over Alex saying, "Oh my god, I've gone cross-eyed" as Matt explained all he had done to get that weird audio clip, Ella's hand started getting clammy when Alex said the song they were covering was one she knew very well because of him: 'Feels Like We Only Go Backwards'.

To the forefront of her mind came the memory of the time he had shown it to her, her heart racing again. She came back to reality when Alex said something weird and once she finally tuned in, she realized it was him saying Nick's full name backwards.

She relished in the amusement she got from the brief interaction and the proof that he was in fact saying the full name backwards correctly, but then the host transitioned that into the introduction for the cover and Ella froze in her place.

It was like she was holding her breath up until the first verse, her heart kicking faster against her ribcage like reminding her she needed to breathe.

That song had become something special for her, sometimes hurting a bit too much to hear it come on as it reminded her of the distance between them and all of her hopes dying like forgotten flowers, but hearing him singing it made something shift inside her.

The first verse felt like a shock of electricity, like she came alive by the underlying meaning behind having chosen this song. And when he sang the second one, she stupidly wondered about what it was that he did that showed he had made up his mind about her.

She felt like a fool, trying to find meaning behind a song he hadn't even written himself and then, something dawned on her.

It was like a little voice in her head was calling her a fool and shocked her alive again with the knowledge of what song had been performed before the cover and once Ella remembered the lines to the opening song of their latest record, she felt like the breath had been knocked out of her.

Hastily she went to rewind the video, only to find in the queue of the next videos just the actual video clip of them performing the song in acoustic at the radio station, so she quickly clicked on it and let it play.

Ella had never heard any song in the record thinking they were for or about her—with the exception of 'Arabella' and 'Snap Out Of It'—, but when she heard the first line to 'Do I Wanna Know?' trying to tie any meaning with herself, the first line was like being pulled out of the water after having been under for so long.

Have you got colour in your cheeks? She gasped, her shoulders hung and all she could think about was when did she not have her cheeks tinted shades of pink and red when she was around him.

'Cause there's this tune I found that makes me think of you somehow and I play it on repeat. She had no idea how it had flown over her head that it was those exact words he'd said to her when he made her listen to the Tame Impala song that night in Rancho de la Luna. And how she'd forgotten about the fact that she was pretty sure this song had been recorded after that night, almost by the end of their recording time.

Suddenly, the pre-chorus and the chorus felt like a knife to the heart. It had been there all along and she'd completely missed it and now she had no idea if it was too late. Was it too late? She didn't know if she could just ask that, if that would even work. And then, she wanted to cry over the fact that it would be a bit over a month until she could finally see him again.

Been wondering if your heart's still open and if so, I wanna know what time it shuts.She reckoned that meant him trying to figure out if she was open to something after going through her heartbreak, and she thought that him resorting to writing a song about it rather than actually telling her anything was exactly what he always did or so Florence said.

It made so much sense, and then Ella got curious about there being any other songs there in the record for her. She had no idea how to figure that out without reaching and turning entirely self-absorbed so to twist every line into something self-referential that wasn't at all what Alex had meant.

It's just I'm constantly on the cusp of trying to kiss you, but I don't know if you feel the same as I do.She groaned and let her face fall on her hands and let out a pathetic squeaky cry of frustration. It took her back to the pool when he had cupped her jaw and turned her head to the side to look at him. She couldn't forget the rush she felt at the hope that sparked up her spine when he did that, the stupid hope for a kiss that never came. Not even when he left for the airport.

But we could be together if you wanted to. Her brows furrowed and she confusedly stared into her desk. Did it mean he had always left it up to her to make the next move? Did it mean he was waiting for her to say it all? She thought it was hardly fair, knowing how long it had taken her to put it all together. Hell, it had been well over a year since they had started recording the album and almost a year since they wrapped up recording and it was all ready to go.

Sighing, she let herself enjoy as much as she could there rest of the song, every line now rumbling the walls of her brain more intently and she knew she wouldn't be able to stop thinking about the meaning of it all and the what-ifs had she realized all of this before.

Once the song was done, it was a masochistic impulse that made her replay the video, only this time she focused on watching Alex as he sang. She cursed herself when she noticed the way she was gawking at Alex on the screen, her gaze going from focusing on his mouth to his hands and then taking in his whole appearance and biting her bottom lip. She had to focus on his face and what she could find shining through his face that could give her answers, and instead she was thirsting over him. As per usual.

When her second watch of the video was over, Lydia knocked on her door interrupting her train of thought, her PA's presence reminding her that she was at work and needed to get back on track.

So Ella couldn't really give into the full over-analysis of everything she wanted to keep doing, and she had to wait all the way until she left work for her to continue her horrendously confusing overthinking session.

She put on the AM cd to play in her car and tears ran down her cheeks by the time 'Arabella' came on. There were so many things she wanted to ask that she just couldn't because she wasn't brave enough to just call him and demand answers and it was frustrating.

It was beyond her understanding why she decided to even grab her phone and pull up Alex's contact to send a message that hinted at her having seen the radio show, hoping with all of her that it was enough for him to know she knew.

(08/05/2014 19:02) I'm so jealous, that beach looks wonderful sweetness!! Though I would be shitting it thinking about sharks, clearly I watch too many movies hahahah. Say hello to the guys for me, yeah? And tell Yellamo he better send me those tim tams he promised me xx

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The Cook's wedding came around rather quickly and it was quite noticeable that Ella's presence was missing that day.

Ella had been sad all morning, sulking in the provisional office they'd given her and the rest of the team in charge of the short film in Boston. Alex kept her updated by sending her loads of pictures around the venue and videos of him walking around, and he had even been begrudgingly allowed to go see the bride with Ella on facetime, she had teared up seeing Katie all done and ready in her gorgeous white gown.

Alex had been lured into staying so Ella could be part of the little toast Katie's family and friends did for her, even giving her the opportunity to partake in it and Katie blew her a kiss through the screen as a thanks for her lovely words.

When the singer went back to the groom's room, Ella congratulated Jamie profusely and wished him the best day of his life. The guitarist thanked her wholeheartedly and raised his champagne glass towards her before taking a sip in cheers to the well wishes.

Alex spared Ella from the ceremony, only texting her after Jamie and Katie walked through the aisle as newlyweds and flower petals were thrown all over them. He sent the video he'd recorded of that moment and did a funny summary for her.

(15/05/2014 12:27) Ceremony was long as always but you would've cried during the vows, I'm so sure. They were oddly emotional coming from Jamie but this might be a sign for me to have him help me write some songs now that I know he has it in him x They look good the Cooks, don't they? I hope the video of them walking down the aisle has sent xx

Ella giggled at the choice of words and she teared up a little more watching the video Alex had sent, the newlyweds were glowing and she was so fucking happy for them her heart could burst inside her chest.

(15/05/2014 12:39) They look fucking stunning!! I'm gonna cry!!!! x And stop being nasty, we shall see if your wedding vows are any better than his when the time comes, Turner x

He had no idea why the idea of his own wedding with Ella in attendance made his heart kickstart like it had been asleep, it suddenly raced in his chest and it rattled so loudly in his ears that he felt sort of lightheaded.

(15/05/2014 12:41) Are you gonna rate my vows then? xx

Alex waited for the answer as he fidgeted in his seat. The flashing image of his wedding not having Ella as a guest but as the one who'd walk up to him left him breathless and he clutched his phone tighter. This was the first time he ever thought of it and the feeling that flooded his insides was nice, warm and fuzzy and just entirely perfect.

That was when it all started dawning on him, that notion which he had been pushing away into hiding at the back of his head for so long—that was the moment it started creeping out to meet him.

(15/05/2014 12:42) I'll be front row giving you live commentary on them, with sound effects and all xx

The singer had no idea what to do with himself and the sudden void in his chest from that answer. Did she not share the vision he had? And even more importantly, was he really this despaired at the prospect of her not fantasizing about it too? He swallowed it all when Miles and Nick called out for him to join them as they were about to light the cigarettes perched between their lips, quickly typing a message to send Ella in response before hiding his phone in one of his pockets.

(15/05/2014 12:43) Of course. Best seats for you darling, if that ever happens x

Ella didn't even get the chance to see that message come through because the couple of the hour called her through Facetime. Turns out Katie had waited until after the ceremony to finally give Jamie the lovely gift she and Ella had come up with before she left LA that day. Ella quickly snuck away to the lunch area of the office that was almost empty by then since it was gonna be a short day at the office due to the next day being an early shoot, and she freely was able to enjoy the call with the couple.

"Remember how Ella said she was gonna make it up to us?" Katie almost sing-sang as she walked up to where she'd left the book which had been sent by Ella all the way from LA already wrapped up and with a cute little note.

Ella watched from where Katie had set her up how Jamie's brows furrowed in confusion at the topic being brought up, "Yeah?"

"Well it's your turn to see how that went." Katie walked gracefully up to her husband and bent over just enough to throw her arms around his shoulders and place the present on his lap, leaving a kiss on his cheek before saying, "Enjoy."

Katie straightened up with her hands still on Jamie's shoulders as he carefully undid the wrapping and the bride shared an excited look with Ella through the screen. They both returned their gazes back to the groom who was about to grace them with a million dollar reaction that Ella wished she could've recorded.

Jamie's jaw dropped when he opened the leather bound book and saw the first picture, his face lighting up in flames and turning him into a shade of red Ella had never seen on him before. His eyes were wide and his smirk grew bigger as he slowly flipped through the pages.

Ella knew exactly when he got to the more naughty ones because he had to close the book to turn around and see his wife, letting out a shaky breath that both Ella and Katie laughed over. When he opened the book again and continued looking through the last ones, he wiped his face with his hand and cursed a low, "Fucking hell." as he shifted in his seat.

"I don't think I've ever seen you this red, Cookie." Ella taunted him but he didn't budge his gaze from the book.

They watched as he couldn't help himself from going back to admire the pictures once again and when he deemed it was enough gawking for the time being, he let the book rest on the table beside him and pulled his wife swiftly on his lap to pounce on her lips.

Katie broke the hungry kiss in between giggles to ask, "Did you like it?"

And Ella chuckled when he growled and nodded, mumbling a quick, "Fucking loved it." before he leaned in to kiss his wife with desperation all over again.

Merely five seconds went by but Ella wanted to tease them for the show they were putting on so she cleared her throat dramatically loud before she said, "Right, I don't wanna be on the phone witnessing your unofficial porno." which prompted them to stop with laughter.

Ella melted when she saw them laugh against each other with the foreheads pressed together before Katie stood up and went to pick up the phone from where she'd propped it up.

The model pouted at the camera and sighed, "I wish you were here to party with us, Ellie."

And Ella matched her pout and the sadness seeped through her words as she assured, "I know but I will be in Alex's phone all night so don't worry."

Jamie came up behind Katie and rested his chin on her shoulder so he could thank Ella once more, "Thank you for that Ellie, it was a fucking perfect gift."

The giggles that came from Ella made the pair smile softly, "You're so very welcome. There's another one more PG but just as beautiful nonetheless, because it's all your gorgeous wife in that one as well."

"Oh yes!" Katie brightened up remembering that Ella also made her a book with the pictures she took of her when they did that shoot at her house, "I'll show him that one later, I left it somewhere in the house."

"Well I hope you love it just as much." Ella smiled softly and sent them a blown kiss through the screen after she added, "Have the best night guys, love you lots!"

With kisses blown from the newlyweds and lots of love sent back to her, Ella finished the call and with that she realized she could go back to her office and get her things to go back to the hotel suite she was staying at in time for Alex to call her during the peak of the party.

By the time she got back to the hotel, she walked into her hotel room to a handful of videos waiting for her in her messages. One was of Alex showing her around the place where the reception was going to be held at, there were another two which captured clips of the toasts people did for the newlyweds which ended up making Ella cry and a few more that showed the party just starting and the group throwing shots back and starting to dance.

Ella made herself a quick lunch—heating some pizza leftovers from the night before—and then she went to shower. Once she had finished blow drying her hair, she opened her messages again to a flood of videos coming from Alex, as well as a pair of missed facetime calls.

She rang him back but he didn't pick up and, from the videos she saw, she could guess that it was because of the loud music that he didn't catch her incoming calls.

About half an hour passed without any more videos and before she could text him to claim he was failing at keeping her updated, her phone rang with a facetime call from the singer.

She expected loud music so she prepared herself for the disturbance to her ears but when she accepted the call, her ears were blessed with Alex's smooth voice greeting her.

"Hi, darling. What you doing?" He instantly noticed that she was in the bathroom, wearing some flannel shorts that showed her thigh tattoo and a shirt long enough to cover most of the shorts, with some sort of mixture on her face.

She leaned into the mirror as she applied some lip balm, pressing her lips together and puckering them up before taking a step back and looking into the camera, she shrugged with a small smile on her face, "Nothing, just relaxing. How's the party going?"

"Good, good." Alex replied nonchalantly, his next words coming muffled because of him placing a cigarette between his lips and lighting it up effortlessly, "Just needed a breather."

"Oh where are you?" Ella asked curiously, seeing the dangling lights behind him that let her see the ivy snaking up a brick wall.

"Having a smoke in the garden." He let out the smoke he had inhaled to continue explaining his decision to come outside, "Even though everyone being wankered already is entertaining, it's not the same without you."

Ella had to really fight against herself not to coo and pout, instead she gave him a toothy smile and a raise of her brows to taunt him, "Yeah, no one forcing you to dance, is there?"

Easily, Alex stated, "Miles is trying." and it made Ella laugh loudly.

Puffing her chest out, she smirked and shrugged before proudly saying, "Miles doesn't have you wrapped around his little finger." wiggling her little finger for the camera to further her point.

And there was no denying that, Alex showed her a loopy smile as he shook his head and agreed, "He sure doesn't."

Watching him smoke never got old, and it surely was making her get flustered but, on top of that, she could feel the taste of the nicotine on her tongue just from watching him and she whined at the craving that shook her with force, "You're making me wanna go out for a cig."

"What's stopping you?" Alex challenged her easily and she sighed.

"I'm too lazy to go outside and I have this on my face." She pointed at the drying face mask she had on, he giggled at the look of it but then noticed how bright it was in the room she was in and it definitely looked like natural lighting.

"You got back early today, huh." The few days before he had managed to sneak a quick facetime call with her, she'd still been at the new office and she would call him back way later when she was back at the hotel, and that usually was when it was about to be three in the morning for him, so he was surprised to see her back in her room when it was still bright outside.

She smiled at his smart observation and nodded, "A miracle isn't it?" She played with the ends of her hair as she explained, "We had an early day today because we have to be at the office by five tomorrow morning, we're shooting all day so we were given a long rest before that."

"All day long?" Alex raised his brows at the information.

"Mhm. We're due in set at half past five and we're not leaving until midnight probably. We have a lot of night scenes to shoot so..."

"This is the short film right?" He made sure to remember correctly, his head scrambled from the tumultuous day.

"Yep." Ella nodded proudly, she still couldn't believe she was in charge of such a big project.

Alex hummed as he took a drag of smoke, "Are there any more directors working with you?"

And once again, Ella proudly replied, "Just me. But I have the writer of the screenplay with me to make sure I follow her vision."

The smile that broke in Alex's face gleamed just as brightly as his eyes did, and she wasn't sure if it was the reflection of the screen on his eyes or the dwindling lights littered around the garden but she enjoyed it nonetheless and was filled with a warmth that she loved so much when he said, "I'm so fucking proud of you Ellie." almost breathlessly.

She couldn't help herself from smiling as big as the drying face mask allowed her, "Thank you sweetness. You're so cute." She winced and dropped her smile when the drying mask pinched on the skin of her cheek and Alex laughed noticing that.

"You look very cute right now." He teased with a smirk, though it wasn't necessarily untrue—she looked adorable and he almost wanted to sigh and swoon like an enamored idiot.

"Oh don't. I've been looking horrendous since I got here so I wanted to do a facemask." She attributed it to the change of climate, but she'd seen the tub of face mask mixture when she was walking past the aisles of the grocery store and she'd decided to buy it and see if it helped at all.

Alex, as flattering as ever, easily refuted her words, "I seriously doubt that but okay."

"Only 'cause you've not seen me in person this past week." Ella sighed, looking at herself in the mirror again and feeling ridiculous with the drying mixture on her skin, "I look rough."

"Why is it cracking?" The singer was entirely confused by the way it had changed color and it had started cracking with the pass of time.

Ella shrugged, picking up the bottle that contained the face mask mixture, "It's some sort of clay mask or something like that. I dunno." She heard him snickering then and she looked down at the screen again with a glare, "I know I look silly right now, but don't even."

Alex raised his free hand in the air to claim innocence, "What? I didn't even say anything!"

But Ella narrowed her eyes and pointed an accusing finger at him, "You were thinking it!" She called him out and his expression only grew more amused, "I know you, Turner."

There was something in him that kept sparking up, like two stones crashing and crashing and he knew that soon enough a fire would start. The sparks shot warmth up his spine already and made his head all dizzy, he doubted it was just the nicotine's effect.

"Sure, sure." He joked halfheartedly, thought his stomach flipped at the way she truly just knew him so well.

Before she could come up with another witty comment to chat back at him, she heard the familiar start of one of her favorite ABBA songs and she froze in her place for a second, holding her breath to make sure it was the one she thought and when she confirmed it by just faintly hearing the first few words, she whined loudly, "Oh stop! That's one of my favorites!"

Like it was the most logical thing to ask, she demanded, "Alex, go back inside and dance for me."

Alex looked at her through the screen and swallowed his laughter before shaking his head, "Sorry darling, I would do anything for you, just not that." It wasn't entirely a lie, but maybe if she begged a little he would rush back inside just to dance to Voulez-Vous for her on the phone.

"Why are you like this?! It's a good song!" She complained as the song started building up to the first chorus.

Alex annoyingly pointed out, "No one's stopping you from dancing to it right now." and that made her glare at him through the screen before she scrambled out of the frame to get a hand towel and wet it with warm water from the tap.

Without noticing, she started softly mumbling along the song as she focused on whipping slowly the dried mixture off her face.

He let her continue without saying a thing for a few seconds before he couldn't just not point it out so he said, "See?" and once again, earned a glare from her.

Only this time, she sang louder and danced more wholeheartedly, swaying her hips and moving her shoulders as she messily continued wiping the face mask off.

Alex smiled like an idiot at his phone, so entranced by Ella and her moves and her big smile and the way she was singing that she didn't notice someone had come outside and seen him, and was slowly approaching him in silence.

The sudden, "Al?" startled him and made him choke on the smoke he had inhaled.

He turned around coughing once before he saw who it was and he switched his pained grimace for a soft smile, "Oh, hi Alexa."

The second she heard the sudden voice, Ella stopped her loud and horrible singing and changed it to humming along with the tune and softly swaying her hips to not interrupt whatever interaction was about to happen.

The model smiled back at him and asked, "What are you doing out here alone?"

Alex lifted the half of the cigarette he had left to wordlessly tell her what he was doing, but then he turned the screen of his phone for her to see that he was in fact, "Not alone."

"Oh!" Alexa giggled, noticing the girl on Alex's phone and waved at her enthusiastically, "Hi!"

Ella looked at the screen when she heard the greeting ring through her speakers and when she saw Alex's ex on the screen, she felt so ugly with the stupid mask still on the bridge of her nose and one of her cheeks, whilst the gorgeous model looked flawless in her perfect makeup and dress.

She had never seen her before, other than the one time she googled her after the girls had told her that Alexa had been Alex's girlfriend when she met the singer, but she still felt so incredibly intimidated and an uncomfortable bitter and burning feeling settled in the pits of her chest.

Still, she put on a shy smile and waved back with a soft, "Hi!"

Alex retracted his phone after that and before he could continue speaking to Ella, Alexa asked, "Mind if I pinch one?"

Alex nodded, resting the cigarette between his lips to use the now free hand to pull out his packet and lighter and offer it to her. There was a heavy silence as Alexa picked a cigarette out and lit it up, taking a long drag and sighing in bliss. The sound of it somehow sounded louder than the music coming faintly from the party and Ella was then painfully aware that the moment she had with Alex had been cut.

So, fighting the pout that wanted to show on her face, she patted her face dry after having gotten everything off her skin and let him go, "I'll leave you to it, sweets. Enjoy yourself and keep the videos coming, please?"

Alex clearly let his sadness show with a childish pout that had Ella smiling like a fool, and she had to bite her bottom lip not to smile bigger when he sweetly replied, "Of course, darling. I'll call you later, yeah?"

"Okay sweets, it's a plan. Love you!" Ella's sweet tone rang through the speakers of his phone and Alexa couldn't help raising her brow in curiosity at the words that the unknown girl had just said.

And the model's curiosity heightened when she noticed the way Alex's cheeks had tinted pink, but it somehow was clear when she heard him say, "Love you too darling, bye!" back.

It might've been a long while since Alexa had spent time with Alex but, at the end of the day, there was a time she knew him as well as the back of her hand and so she wanted to know who it was that had stolen the singer's heart.

"Who was that?" Alexa asked genuinely curious, her voice had a timbre of amusement like she was teasing him that made Alex blush even more.

"Ella." He choked out, like a giggle was stuck in his throat. "She's uh..." He wanted to explain further because he knew Alexa could see through him at that very moment but there wasn't any other term to refer to Ella other than, "My best friend."

He wished there was more, but he couldn't just say she was the girl that plagued his dreams, or the one he wished was dragging him to the dancefloor of the party. The girl who he wanted to escape to the garden with to share a smoke and laugh about their drunk friends. The girl he wanted to take pictures and videos of all night and keep them all like a treasure in his stupid phone to watch back when he was on tour. The girl who he wished had caught the bouquet Katie threw and looked at him like it was a sign for them to share that unbreakable promise that didn't seem so scary if it was shared with her.

The fog was clearing up even more, something inside of him slowly shifting.

"Right." Alexa smirked, her voice coated in sarcasm that just told him how she didn't believe that one bit. She frowned though, noticing the way she was absent in such a big event for the group,  "Was she not invited?"

Alex took another drag before he answered, "She was. She just couldn't make it 'cos of work: she's filming this short film in Boston to submit to a film festival."

Alexa's brows shot up in wonder, "Oh so she's a filmographer?"

Alex nodded and explained further, "She's a director and photographer. Works with Ben and Aaron, they're all from Focus Creeps and the three usually record our music videos."

That's when she realized just how acquainted they must be, knowing just how many music videos the band had put out for the latest record. "Oh right, from LA then?" It was obvious that she was, the American accent giving the girl away but Alexa was nosey in a good way.

"Mhm. She's from Tennessee actually, but lives in LA." Alex felt the need to correct.

Alexa smirked once again then, coming closer to him just to nudge his hip with hers and tease, "Ooo a cowgirl."

Alex chuckled as heat traveled up to his face yet again, "A cowgirl."

"She sounds cool." Alexa said genuinely, she also looked cool with her Arctic Monkeys shirt on, that septum piercing she'd managed to notice on her and the many earrings littering her ears, as well as the tattoos on her skin.

"She really is." Alex reminisced about all that came to be Ella and he sighed. He really missed her.

When he looked down at his phone and saw the group picture that he had as a lockscreen of everyone at Glastonbury, he perked up and started chatting about her, "You should see the pictures she takes, she's fucking amazing."

All it took was Alexa saying, "Show me?" for Alex to unlock his phone and pull up Ella's instagram for Alexa to see.

The model scrolled through her Instagram page and her jaw fell the more she found. Not only did she find the pictures she'd take of landscapes and cities gorgeous, but the pictures of herself that she had posted were hot.

"Oh she's fit." Alexa concluded with a raise of her brows, as if silently congratulating Alex for being able to pull such a stunning woman.

"She's a photographer but not a model?" Alexa asked intrigued, she kept scrolling down and clicking on one that Alex knew very well: that picture of her wearing only a silver bikini and cowboy boots, leaning backwards on her forearms on her motorcycle with a cowboy hat that hid her face almost entirely, except for her agape mouth that made it look like she was moaning. "Why?! She's stunning and she already looks like one."

"I know! She should be one." Alex spoke like it brought him relief to hear someone agree with him, but he actually explained the reasoning Ella had once given him, "She doesn't enjoy being in front of the camera that much. At least not with strangers."

Alexa nodded, completely understanding the point, her gaze still caught up by the pictures on Ella's page. When she pulled one up of the girl naked and only covered by a flimsy white dress that was completely see-through under the sun in the picture, Alexa caught the singer just gawking and so she elbowed him to taunt him, "You'd like it if she was one, wouldn't you?"

Alex rolled his eyes, before shoving her playfully, "Oh shush." and Alexa laughed loudly at the way he continued to blush.

"When did you meet her?" She asked as she handed Alex his phone back.

And it was obvious how he froze in his place for a few seconds before pocketing his phone and then he warily replied, "Erm... Remember back in 2011 when me and the lads went to LA to record the Brick by Brick video?"

His ex's brows shot up when she realized it had been that long, "Ohhhh! Since then?"

"Yeah." Alex confirmed awkwardly, knowing that he had still been with her when he met Ella.

Just to mess with him, Alexa frowned and called him out in faux seriousness, "You never mentioned her." But when the model saw Alex's face fall and pale, she cackled loudly and corrected, "I'm joking!"

Still, Alex seemed like he was having a hard time even swallowing his own spit so Alexa taunted him once more but this time a bit more lightheartedly, "How many songs on the new record are about her then?"

It seemed it wasn't as lighthearted as she expected because he looked pained when she mumbled, "Alexa..." as if he was asking for mercy.

"What? I know you." Alexa shrugged, "I'll send you my guesses the next time I listen to it."

When Alex threw the bud of his cigarette to the ground and stomped on it, Alexa thought he was gonna walk out on her and leave her with an itch she couldn't scratch, so before that could even happen, she quickly blurted out, "Has she got a boyfriend?"

"No." Alex's voice was barely a whisper and if she wasn't right next to him then she wouldn't have heard him.

She cocked her head in confusion, it was clear that he fancied her so she had no idea why he hadn't made a move to get her already. "Then what's wrong?"

In total despair to be reminded of it all, Alex sighed heavily as he rubbed one of his eyes like he was tired of having to be in such a predicament, "I'm on tour."

He sounded so devastated by that simple fact that the corners of her lips fell in a pout and she side hugged him as she sadly cooed, "Awh, Al..."

It seemed like he needed the space to speak about it because, totally unprompted, Alex started talking, "She's wonderful, and I don't even think she likes me if I'm being honest. Florence says it's obvious she does but– I just don't want to fuck things up. Already did before and I'm afraid of losing her entirely if I take one wrong step."

Alexa sighed, feeling for her friend and took a few seconds to gather her thoughts to give an objective perspective on it, "If my opinion counts for anything, from just those few seconds I saw you on the phone to her, I can tell that there is certainly something there."

"Do you think?" Alex perked up at the thought. maybe if someone else could see it, especially if it was someone outside of their close group of friends, then it really meant there was a chance.

His heart leaped in his chest, and the wave of words he had been holding back for so long seemed to want to come out even if Ella wasn't there to hear. He just wanted to scream every thought that came to him about her out loud.

"Yeah, it was written all over her face." Alexa assured him with an honest smile.

Suddenly, he blurted out, "I see her again in June. We're playing in this festival in her hometown and she goes religiously every year. She cried when I told her we were in the lineup."

Alexa tried not to giggle at the sudden word vomit coming from him, and instead cooed over the fact that what he'd just said would happen, "Bless her! That's gonna be so special."

"It'll be. And I just can't wait to see her again and this time in her hometown. She came around to see us at Glasto and it was just— I can't even put into words how it felt having her here, at home, during that time. So I'm just really impatient for June and to see her in her home and just being all that she is at her core, you know?"

There was the word vomit again, Alexa hummed entirely amused by the way it was so obvious on his face, so she smirked again and decided to be more blunt about taunting him, "You really like her, don't you?"

And that was when that notion that had been creeping out of the corners of his mind jumped at him at full force, making him almost stumble in his feet. 'Like' wasn't enough to convey all that he felt when he thought of her, when she called or texted him, when he saw her in pictures, when he was able to have her in the same room as him and much less when he had her right there next to him.

I just wasn't enough and it would be unfair to downplay it, not when he ached so much to say it all to her and the first step was finally letting himself come to terms with it and god, didn't it feel freeing and like a massive weight lifting off his shoulders when he finally opened his mouth and started saying, "I think I'm–"

Alex stopped himself there, shaking his head like his thoughts had gotten blurry and it was stupid to use the words 'I think', because he was sure by then, there was no other way to describe it.

And so he said it correctly this time, "No. I am in love with her."

✦✧✦✧✦✧✦✧✦✧✦✧

A/N: It took him long enough, didn't it? What do you think will happen now that he's finally come to the realisation? I'm eager to hear your predictions heheheh. Finally being able to write that last scene was so fulfilling, I've had that planned out for so long and I'm just so excited for you all to read it!! We're so close to the end, it is actually so damn sad </3 But anyway, I hope you enjoyed this one and I hope to see you soon with the next one. Sending you lots of love, have a great weekend!! xx

Taglist: @imagine-that-100 @kennedy-brooke @faveficz @indierockgirrl @ladydraculasthings @moonvr @unwantedlovergirl @eaglestar31 @nikisfwn @funniestpersoninnyc @andrearroe @justacaliforniandreamer @alexturnersgf69 @yourorganiccigarette @chickenxdrum

[delopsia]

del, i looove the new rhett avi 🌻 and if it’s cool, i meant to ask this over a month ago 😬 for the trio, who falls asleep first on new year’s eve? or like: who is trying not to fall asleep? who is kind of excited and trying to keep everyone awake? who, on december 30th, actively tried to make a case for going to bed early; power point presentation and all, etc? 😂

Aaaa, thank you! 🌼 I'm currently answering things from several weeks ago (oops), so it's kind of fitting 😭

Bobby is gonna fall asleep first, unfortunately :( that baby has an internal clock like no other; it hits ten thirty, and he's gone. Blame the Navy and the gotta-be-up-before-the-rooster-crows upbringing.

Rhett is the monster who was built for this moment. Does he get up before dawn every morning to head to work? Yes. Has that ever stopped him? No. He spent nearly a decade breaking his back on his father's ranch, bull riding nearly every Sunday, and drinking 'till sunrise afterward. Staying up past midnight is nothing for him, and it's Robby's worst nightmare.

"It ain't that hard, jus' keep yer eyes open!" "It doesn't work like that!"

It was Bobby who made and presented the PowerPoint before the New Year's Eve festivities even started. The idea was that if he could tackle the issue while Rhett was suffering his routine evening-yawning fit, then maybe he could sell everyone on the idea of going to bed at a decent time.

He had it all planned; he was gonna deliver a convincing argument and hammer it home with the offer to finally agree to the bedroom photoshoot idea. The one that involved the cheap libido pills Rhett found in a gas station and the two Polaroid cameras that have been resting on his office shelf. It was foolproof!

Unfortunately, Rhett is very, very good at calling bluffs. The idea even stemmed from one of Bob's own suggestions 🙄

Enter: Robert Floyd, 11:59 PM. All half-lidded eyes and a lopsided smile, leaning against the wall. An energy drink has been no match for his internal clock; he's dead on his feet.

He has no idea where the hell his glasses or his shirt went, and he'd look if he weren't too focused on Rhett and Reader. They're standing in the living room, blaring their current favorite song, television counting down for a ball to drop, and Rhett's still clinging to his New Year's shotgunning tradition.

Watching Rhett empty a can of Rainier beer, foam rolling down his stubbled jaw, makes Bobby wonder if he can get drunk from the sight alone.

And so maybe Bob is somewhat delirious. Not quite thinking as he stumbles forward and kisses that pearly white foam off of Rhett's neck and chin, bitterness be damned. Maybe the Reader is joining in on the other side.

Bob doesn't remember falling asleep, but the next time he opens his eyes, Rhett's teasing him about how he stopped mid-kiss and blatantly said they would continue this in the morning.

[brightlilith]

.008.

.important.

< previous chapter ; next chapter >

Masterlist Tokio Hotel - Masterlist Connected by music • Tom Kaulitz

I once read somewhere that one of the only certainties in life is uncertainty. At the time, I remember that I found it confusing and I didn't insist on understanding what it meant.

Years later I understood.

୨୧ ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ ୨୧

My breathing was heavy, my eyes were burning, a bitter feeling in my throat, and my heart was pounding.

His eyes were shining, his breathing was labored and he still remained nervous. He was waiting for my answer...

"Yes" I said, I didn't think, I just said.

He smiled, put the ring on my finger, and it fit perfectly.

He got up and kissed me, a kiss so desperate and passionate it gave me chills, I don't know why.

"Come on, let's tell everyone" He dropped his hand that was around my neck to my hand that didn't have the bouquet.

"Go first, I need to process that this actually happened." I said with an excited voice and a clearly fake smile, both.

He nodded and kissed the top of my head and left, I could hear him screaming, "SHE SAID YES", everyone was screaming and applauding.

I looked at my watch, it was 11:59 pm, we were here for almost an hour, I didn't want to go there right now...

I could hear them screaming as they counted down the seconds to the new year.

3!

...

2!

...

1!

"FELIZ ANO NOVO" (HAPPY NEW YEAR) Shouts, whistles, loud music.

I smiled to myself, I knew that Bruce was looking for me, but I also knew that my mother convinced him to leave me alone for a while, she knew that I appreciated my moments alone.

I know I should have been there, but I didn't want to, didn't want eyes focused entirely on me, congratulating me all the time. Suffocating.

"Hey honey, hurry up, we're late for the party" A blonde girl like 2000s clothes said from across the beach, next to a royal blue car.

I smiled and looked around, thinking it wasn't me, but it was.

I approached and greeted her from afar, she approached and hugged me friendly and then pulled me by the hand to get into the car.

I insisted that I didn't want to go, but when I realized it, I was already in the car with two other girls, one behind the wheel and the other in the copilot.

They talked and as incredible as they seem, they included me too.

They introduced themselves, the blonde was Larissa, the brunette Julia and the redhead, who was the copilot, Olivia.

We arrived at such a party that the first girl said, the brunette who was driving parked the car next to the place, we left and I left the bouquet in the car.

There was a huge queue, but it seemed that the security guard knew the girls, they greeted them and we entered.

Loud music, the smell of sweat, cigarettes and all kinds of drinks that exist was remarkable. Played several famous songs from the 2000s.

Maybe it was a retro ballad?

୨୧ ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ ୨୧

She was panting, sweaty and thirsty. I looked at the watch on my wrist, it was 3:21. I had talked to my parents and Bruce about where I was, I lied a little bit. I had said that I had found some friends and we left, they were worried but I ignored it.

I spoke with the girls that I would go to the bar to get a drink, I asked if they wanted it and they denied it.

I walked there, and sat on a bench that was free and waited for the bartender to serve me.

I looked around and I had never noticed that there was a club here in Morro de São Paulo, in all these years. I know there was one years ago, but it had closed.

My gaze landed on the calendar in front of me, it was dark but I could still see it.

On the calendar it said today was January 1, 2008.

"WHAT THE FUCK"

© morganaah/brightlilith ─ all rights reserved. do not copy, translate or share my work on other platforms.

Constructive criticism and supportive messages are always welcome, it motivates me to keep writing.

(not reviewed)

~

🩷

Taglist;

Forever Tags: @ihatepeanutss @lovelyy-moonlight @tsamiaxo

Connected by music; @ajaxisbae @penquinsqge @suvakrpa @bxcndd @tokiohotellllll @f4ivc

Tokio Hotel; @sunooslover @willow-sages

Tom Kaulitz; @justash02 @pearlssck @dearstell @venderretta @instabull @aqxllo @Neteyamlovr

Bill Kaulitz; @aqxllo @Neteyamlovr Gustav schäfer;

Georg Listing; Sam Winchester; @willow-sages

Dean Winchester; @willow-sages Robby Keene; @instabull

Damon Salvatore; @instabull

Klaus Mikaelson; @instabull

Let me know if you want to be added to the tag list 💗

[princessofbookaholics]

END OF THE YEAR BOOK TAG 2023

It's the end of the year again! I've been doing this tag since 2020 and I love looking at the stats every year. Although my 5 star reads keep getting lesser every year or I'm just getting more strict with my ratings, who knows? Some answers might be a continuation of my Mid Year Book Freak Out Tag so I don't repeat books again. Here are the questions:

1. How many books did you read this year?

I read 166 books this year (including 4 rereads)

2. What genres did you read?

62 romance books

59 mystery/thrillers

15 fantasy books

11 contemporaries

6 graphic novel/manga

6 anthologies

3 non-fiction books

3 historical fiction

1 poetry

3. What age ranges did you read?

130 adult books

16 young adult books

13 new adult books

7 middle grade books

4. How many books got each rating?

23 five star books (including 4 rereads)

69 four star books

58 three star books

16 two star books

5. Best book you've read this year?

I think Babel by R. F. Kuang is still my number one of the year, nothing was able to top that reading experience for me. I've made a post with all my 5 star reads of the year if you need more recs!

6. Have you completed any series this year?

It was my reading goal to complete more series and i definitely did that.

Dance of Thieves duology by Mary E. Pearson

Lovestruck series by Mimi Grace

Tattered and Torn series by Catherine Cowles

Spirit Hunters by Ellen Oh

Dirty Air Series by Lauren Asher

Queen's Cove series by Stephanie Archer

7. Biggest disappointment (for the second half of the year)

8. Biggest surprise (for the second half of the year)

9. Underrated gems (for the second half of the year)

10. Beautiful book covers (for the second half of the year)

11. New favorite authors you discovered

Romance authors: Catherine Cowles, Mimi Grace, Stephanie Archer, Juliana Smith, Kristina Forest, Catherine Walsh

Mystery/thriller authors: Freida McFadden, Mary Kubica, Catherine Ryan Howard, A. R. Torre, Lucinda Berry, Keigo Higashino

12. Favorite new releases of the year

13. Books that lived up to the hype

14. Books that did not live up to the hype

15. Longest and shortest book you read this year

Longest book: Final Offer by Lauren Asher (583 books)

Shortest book: Not Your Valentine by Jackie Lau (136 pages)

16. Did you accomplish your reading goals

I did complete 5 series so that's done. I read more than 100 books but i didn't manage to finish The Count of Monte Cristo because i gave up halfway because I had started slumping. I will try to pick it up again next year!

17. Reading plans for next year

I want to slow down on my reading and try to put quality over quantity because this reading year was so average.

[havin-fun-imagining-twd]

The first Christmas “without,” Pt. 2

Happy Candlemas! Here’s Part 2, and remember, you can still technically say Merry Christmas until 11:59/23:59 tonight

When - Part 1 was 35ish minutes after A fu---n’ great Christmas, which takes place in between season 2 and 3. Part 2 is approximately 3 minutes after Part 1 ends. We’ve made a brief time skip from souls stripped bare.

What - the first major holiday without loved ones is hard. The first major holiday without loved ones because one of your loved ones was killed by another loved one is somewhat harder. (for those who are newer Slowpokes, Shane was your older brother)

**Note that some plot points haven’t actually been published yet, they are  merely discussed or alluded to because the series is non linear**  

Relationships - slow burn Daryl x Reader always, therefore you’re still snuggled in the mangy hick’s poncho and wishing your crush away, but this chapter was focused more on the found-family aspect of the series. Part 2 specifically deals with your familial relationship with Rick -- and how much hurt and anger you’re still working through after what happened with Shane.

Perspective - 2nd person You, 3rd Him (Daryl)

Pronouns? - they/them

TWs? - some foul language, memories about the farm getting overrun (without gore), anger over a family member being killed by another family member, discussion of grieving, and more of my dumb using-dreams-to-relay-past-events as found in That mangy hick!

Word count - longer than Part 1, but if you read both together, do set aside some downtime and get comfy and snuggly in something cozy. Dare I say, in a poncho, perhaps?

What stories to read or reread - “All of them!” the author cackles Part 1, of course, A fu--in’ great Christmas, The Chicken Swim, Too much thinking before bed, Part 2 and Ain’t nothing... are the ones most pertinent to this chapter.

Check out the  Masterlist, slowpoke, it’s got all the published chapters and reader requests :)

.........................

3 minutes later, after discussing a possible chicken swim/penguin plunge with Glenn before you left him to the music and walked back alone slowly

Okay, maybe remembering your chicken swim with Amy, when Shane so diligently stood watch from the shore with a canoe at the ready (and Daryl saw you swim in a t-shirt, shorts, and socks), maybe remembering that put you back at square one, because before you know it, the pendant is in your hands again.

You just feel so off.

T-Dog and Carol are sitting at the fire outside now. Aw, T-Dog took off his Santa hat. He’s still in the red Dawgs shirt Daryl gave him, though.

As you rub the ‘22’ between your fingers and over your lips, you greet the two of them with a (yawn and a) “Hey y’all, how’s the turkey going?”  

Carol waves her fingers and smiles.

Ooh yummy, what are they making? They seem to be mixing…you aren’t sure what in the bowl, but it’s mushy. Boiled and mashed tubers, maybe? If so, that’s good, Carol has been craving starch like it’s nobody’s business.

“Hershel’s almost done with his tea, then he’ll use that meter thingy,” she lets you know, right before T-Dog teases, “Glenn’s and your bickering about him again was a fun surprise.”

He gets a mildly British-sounding response out of you. “Yes, we had a lovely time.”

“Who won this round?” he chuckles. “I asked Glenn already, but wanna to compare your answers.”  

“Neither of us.” Well, come to think of it, “Mr. Greene.”

“Ha! See that, Carol? Same answer, I gotta tell Hersh about this, just a sec.”

While he pokes his head into the little building and announces his findings, you sigh at Carol. That’s when you notice that there’s…no turkey in sight. Which is a little concerning, where’d it go?  

Oh no, it wasn’t all wormy, right?

You stare into space as you rub, rub, rub the pendant. Well, the smaller cooler is kinda sitting on the ground in the middle of everything, so you use that as your chair.

“The meat’s brining in there, if you’re wondering,” Carol explains.  

Ah, got it. Phew.

She yawns as she goes into it a little more. “We don’t want a repeat of that wild turkey we had what, about a month ago at this point? Oh my—at Thanksgiving. Golly, I forgot about Thanksgiving,” she mumbles to herself.

“There was no fat on the poor, sad thing. Nasty,” T-Dog narrates, catching her yawn on his way back with a dishtowel, and covering the bowl of mushy stuff with it. “Though, we did a fair job on it, gotta say.”

You nod. You’d actually really enjoyed it, but maybe that’s because you were really hungry? Ah, and you’ve caught the yawn, now. Yawns really are contagious.

Carol and him keep chatting. “Mmhm, very little fat, and that was a month ago. Having one now, this late in the season—”

“—Could be even more nasty, we gotta be extra careful,” T-Dog finishes for her. “Y’all caught a big boy, though,” he says to you, “this guy was plump. I have a good feelin’ about him.”

Nodding away, Carol starts talking about how “My great aunts and my meemaw knew how to cook it well. When I was a girl, that’s what we ate at Thanksgiving and Easter.”

“Thank the Lord I was a city boy,” he announces, cracking up. “We had good stuff like glazed ham, mm, I didn’t have to eat none of that wild, gamey turkey.”

“They’d make four different types of gravy to go with our wild turkey.”

“Four? You’re gonna make my stomach growl even louder, now, Carol. Y/N, the woman is trying to torture me, I know it.” T-Dog is even more adorable when he’s crushing on someone, hot damn. He’s a tad too old for you personally, but everybody here knows you think he’s a catch. Probably even him, if you’re being frank. “My uncle, he had this recipe for cornmeal gravy—outta this world. You and I should have a gravy-off, get some heft back on our people’s bones.”  

She tilts her head in consideration but looks hesitant before asking, “Should I try and send the six of you out on a supply run for some grease and flour?”

You’d be down. “I’d be down.” If anything but to stop Carl, Beth, and Lori from losing any more weight. Oh Moses, wait up —“If we find cornmeal, is there a way to make hushpuppies?”

“Find more oil, I’ll try,” Carol is quick to offer, yawning again. “Are you gonna head to the cars for a nap? I know I’m going to once the cooki—um, what’s in the bowl, once these are done.”

T-Dog just snickers. “Same, we all need more sleep after last night. So, Y/N,” he turns to you, “everytime we talk about food, it’s the hushpuppies, gummy sharks, that puffcorn stuff, or applesauce for you. Or Indian food. Or bananas. Oh right, or peanut butter tomato sandwiches.”

Carol groaned with you when he said the last one; you’re both fans of those and you’re both belly-aching for some food.

“I crave what I crave, Teddy.”

“Plus catfish nuggets, am I wrong?” he guffaws (yes, ‘guffaws’).

“…To go with the hushies.”

“And cheesy curls, can’t forget. Oh, and corn dogs—you got a corn thing, don’t you?”

Which is entirely true, but you’d also go for a plain, grilled hot dog, oh my gosh. “Been hungry, Breakfast King,” you snark back.

He cracks up and holds his hands open. “I earned that title. I made the best eggs y’all ever had that day, powdered or otherwise, admit it. The grits were creamy and lush, go on. Whoever stocked the CDC knew to get clarified butter down there, made all the difference.” He puffs out his chest slightly. “But I coulda swung it outta the park even without.”

You share a nod with Carol as your fingers grasp the pendant again. “It was best breakfast I’d ever eaten.” All true. Objectively, food-wise.

After about two months with no cheese or much food-food, given the supply chain issues due to the world effectively collapsing, the spread T-Dog made for breakfast at the CDC was heavenly. Would’ve been really good even during the before-times. How he got those powdered eggs to taste so fresh, you don’t know.

Those not so good memories, however, are really poking a stick in the gears, though. You can faintly hear the tink, tink, tink of your chain as you pull the pendant back and forth, back and forth. An uneasy, sick feeling twists in your belly when you remember it.

It was a barely two hours after breakfast when you’d all nearly died and Jacqui and Dr. Jenner committed suicide. Then about two months later, you’d finally learned why Shane had broken down wailing and Lori had looked shell shocked and scared the night before.  

Shane wasn’t really one to get drunk, yet he had that night. He was going a little crazy, you guess, and things had been, um…

Your brother wasn’t a bad person, he wasn’t. He just lost himself and thought he couldn’t come back.

But when Shane spilled to you that awful night at Hershel’s farm what he’d started blindly trying to do to Lori at the CDC, your first reaction came from deep within. You didn’t see a man you recognized, and you thought you hated the man you did see. You may have actually hated Shane for a short while. Almost as much as you hated Rick when you knew for certain that he’d killed him.

“Careful not to break the chain,” Carol gently murmurs, perking you out of it.

Shoot, you’d been doing the tuggy pully thing again. Sometimes, when you start thinking about what happened, you end up squeezing and rubbing Shane’s ‘22’ pendant too hard when you tug and pull it back and forth.

Okay yeah, you’re falling hard back into that intense anger about what happened, it’s not good. You cannot sink back down into that unhappy, unhealthy place.

And you really don’t want to break the chain, so: you ignore your growing frustration that you can’t just get over it already, then imagine a stupid tea kettle being taken off the stupid burner before thinking your stupid mantra again.

…I don’t hate Rick…I don’t hate Rick, I love him, I love my Rick, Rick is my brother…you love him, Y/N, you don’t hate him…you don’t hate Shane, either…now take the kettle off the burner…you don’t hate either of them…you don’t hate Rick…it’s okay if you want to cry, just remember that you don’t hate Rick, you love Rick…

“Hey guys,” Glenn calls over, further helping you snap back to reality. Maggie’s hand in his, he returns the music player and thanks you. “Gonna crash for a little while in the Chevy, I think.”  

With a slow exhale, you bring yourself back to whatever the heck was going on before this, something to do with food, right?

Right, yeah, breakfast at the CDC.  

It’s true, T-Dog had indeed made bananas-good food the morning at the CDC. And that was with a total lack of (actual bananas, and) potatoes, sausage (therefore gravy), fresh cheese, you could go on for a while.

“Man, the things I’d do for some eggs,” you hear him groan. You turn to see him quickly look away from you.

Ah, you’d though the delivery sounded a touch too emphatic; T-Dog was putting on extra in trying to revert your attention back to lighthearted stuff. Guess your internal mantra-break was noticeable. Also, that darn tuggy pully thing.

Whatever, he’s distracting you with all his food talk because he cares. “Scrambled eggs,” he details, “with sautéed onions and pimento cheese, and bacon or chorizo, obviously. Buttered marble rye, fluffy biscuits with some white gravy. Hashbrowns…”

You peek over at Carol. Her cravings are usually for potatoes, overcooked macaroni salad, or anything from Waffle House. The woman just wants some starch and to not have to cook, dude.

Last night, that 16oz can of potatoes she’d used with Christmas Eve dinner had been *heaven* for her. The sharing of it, however, that part was more like ‘purgatory,’ so she joked in the car late last night after you’d all escaped the herd.  

She looks wistful for a moment, then says to T-Dog, “Other than you and Rick, everyone here knows what leaves and stalks to look for. We’re bound to come across some potato plants in a backyard garden one of these days.”

“And I will make you hashbrowns to die for.”

Carol cringes in her shy, polite way. He’d chosen the wrong descriptive verb choice. “Maybe not that good, T-Dog.”

“Aw man, uh, hashbrowns to ‘cry over,’” he rephrases it. “Hold up — we could do a hashbrown bowl like at Waffle House!”

Now she’s got on her shy, dainty smile. “Perfect.”

T-Dog then turns his gaze over to you. “Now, Y/N, Rick’s coming back with Daryl.”  

Ugh, please not now, Teddy.  

You know what he’s gonna suggest, and you don’t want to. You did your mantra thing, that’s plenty.  

I don’t hate Rick, I don’t hate Rick, I don’t hate Rick, I love Rick…  

“Go over there and remind yourself you don’t hate him,” he directs.

Which you deflect with a lame, “Daryl don’t prefer hugs.”

Which in turn, earns you a look. “You know who I mean,” T-Dog tuts. “Hug your brother — and don’t go telling me he ain’t your real brother, I know full well you was raised not caring about that stuff and that it don’t matter these days anyhow. Now go on, go hug him, or something.” He sighs and gestures to you. It’s much less stern when he next says, “I think the holiday is starting to get to you. And you’ve got somethin’ particular going on.”

Yeah, yeah, the first holiday ‘without,’ you get it.  

But apparently you must have huffed out loud, because T-Dog next hums nuh-uh and cautions, “Don’t you go getting huffy at me, now, troublemaker.”

“We had Thanksgiving, that was a major holiday.”

“Wasn’t the same, you were completely focused on Hershel then.”

Okay, fair, but, “Okay fair, but we’re all having the first Christmas w-with-wi—” it takes you a few times with your fucking stress stutter, “—without a bunch of loved ones, I ain’t special.”  

Sure, Glenn got a little testy and had a good cry, but he’s still chill. Carol’s not acting like a baby about her first Christmas without her daughter, and T-Dog himself isn’t acting like a baby about having no one he knew before the outbreaks.

So why is he acting like you’ve got something ‘particular going on’ today? Are you that fragile? You were having a (fuckin’) great Christmas, Daryl even said it!

Yet, as vulnerable and therefore mad about it as you feel, you can’t stay upset.  

Not after the way Teddy so plainly but delicately points out, “Our situations are different.”

It stops you in your tracks and makes fact that he was once an intimidating defensive back and occasional running back for the Bulldogs seem unbelievable. You also begin to feel less…ashamed, that you’re still so fucking broken after what happened. The situation with Shane is different.

…I don’t hate Rick, I don’t hate Rick, I don’t hate Shane, I love them both, please help me remember that I’m just angry again right now, I don’t really hate Rick, I love him so much…

You’re back to fiddling with the ‘22’ pendant, but it’s cool, you aren’t tugging on the chain this time.

“Go on, or I’ll make you two wear a get-along shirt,” Carol prompts. “Oh, and don’t mention the cookie batter, T-Dog, Beth and I want to keep it a surprise.”

“The what, now?” ......................

Him

Y/N is walking over.

That they’re wearing the hat he gave them made him wanna stand taller, and that they’re still in his poncho made him feel warm. It was a warmth unrelated to the fact that they’d switched coats earlier today.

Weird thing is, Y/N seemed cozier in his poncho underneath their zip-up hoodie than they’d seemed in their own oversized, old, woolly, fluff-lined jacket. It didn’t make much sense to him, but his poncho was pretty sweet and it reached longer down Y/N’s body, which would keep their butt warm and all that.  

Y/N’s coat is nice. Old, but that made it better. Except, when Rick saw him wearing the coat, he’d frozen like he’d seen a ghost then got this glazed kinda look in his eyes.

Seeing the jacket on somebody who filled it out properly was prolly what done it. It, um, originally it had been Y/N and Shane’s dad’s jacket. After their dad died, maybe 16ish years ago, their ma would wear it around to remember him, then Shane started wearing it as his coat. So really, it was Shane’s for all those years.

Yeah, the coat has some baggage. Comfy though.

“It’s a good jacket,” was all Rick said before he blinked a few times and lead him on a short walk to discuss the food and security brief he had with T-Dog, Glenn, and Maggie earlier. He and Y/N missed the info when they were hunting that turkey.

Maybe it helped Rick zen out about food a little when Daryl ripped up some cattail tubers they passed. Carol really misses potatoes, and those roots are real starchy, so it’ll be close enough. It was one of the first things that crossed his mind when they got here last night and he saw the small lake.

“What roots are those?” Y/N calls to him, pointing.

Hey—what happened? Y/N looks like the wind got knocked out of them, they don’t look cheerful and happy at all. He’d only been with them around the fire like an hour ago, things were fine.

Is Hershel good? Did Y/N fight with Glenn agai—oh, never mind, got it; Shane’s chain is sticking out of their hoodie. They fidget with it more when they’re upset, usually when thinking about their dead brother and shit.

They’ve been doing pretty okay, so, dunno, maybe it’s just the holiday getting to them.

“Cattail,” he lets them know.

That nice feeling tickles his chest again when, with their mouth opens in recognition and a much happier look spreads on their face. They point at the tubers. “That’s the one we can use like a potato, then?”

He just smiles and nods; they’re on the same wavelength as him on this one, point proven when they look back at the fire for a sec before grinning and resting their hands on their hips. “Teddy said he’d make her hashbrowns, and we got enough oil and salt for those, some leftover flour if need be.” Their gaze switches to Rick. “Are there any other ingredients we’ll need for hashbrowns?”

Were they uncomfortable when they asked him that, or was that just his imagination?  

Also, why would they ask Rick? Everybody knows how to make a hashbrown, it’s a cut-up potato fried in a pan.

“Lore sometimes made them on Pancake Sundays,” Rick offered.

That’s gotta be an inside joke because next, them and Rick start to crack up.  

Scrunching their nose, Y/N giggles (and seems genuine about it). “Ain’t her fault her grandma had two terrible pancake recipes.”

“She didn’t have to follow the recipes every Sunday.”

“Especially buckwheat ones, oh, they were like dry little penances, Daryl,” Y/N fills him in, “he’s not full-wrong.” Turning back to Rick, they seem uncomfortable again when they say, “I’m gonna go crash for a bit before choring, but um, let’s listen to music together soon. It’ll be nice to do it at the lakeside.” An awkward kind of pause follows, then they go, “Hey, um, I never had hashbrowns at your place, were they, um, were they, w-were they good?”

“I mean, compared to the pancakes…” Rick trails off. He looks uncomfortable, too, but he’s trying to keep the joke going.

But Y/N must not like all the teasing about Lori’s cooking or whatever, because they stop looking as amused when they slowly repeat “Ricky, were they good?”

It looks like his head is getting heavy to hold up, the way it’s drooping some. He gives Y/N a sad kind of smile, the way people do when they’re apologizing. “Carl, Lore and I would eat the whole plate.”

.......................

You

Fine, maybe T-Dog is right. The day is getting to you maybe just possibly a pinch.

As you stomp over to the cars, you look back at T-Dog at the fireside and hold up a thumb with one hand and lift the other open-palmed to ask him if he was satisfied or not.

He makes no gesture back at first, then makes a shrug and holds his thumb up.  

Whatever. You throw open the door to the backseat of the Dodge, hop in, position the bright blue scarf into the door and yank it shut to show that you’re in there, then tuck yourself into the blanket and burrow into your pillow.

You love your stupid brother (yes, the one named Rick) so much, and-and things have been fine!  

Of course it would be on Christmas that you’d be acting like a little idiot bitch…but making fun of a spouse’s cooking isn’t your brand of humor, either, that was kind of a dick move from the dicktator.

Ricky-dicky doo, Ricky-pricky poo, Rickety-doo-dah…

Oh, right, um—when the bad things happened, you’d gone full postal, blindly wandered away, and got drunk for the first time. You’d started chanting something along those lines, then you’d made new lyrics to that ancient Disney song. Ridiculous and immature? Yes, but you were in a truly bad place.

Though, you are secretly proud of one insult you’d made after your world had gone blank: “Three cheers for Rick, putting the ‘dick’ in dictator!”

By God above, you’d thought that you’d hated him so much.

Well, really it’s only T-Dog who’s of the mind that you didn’t actually hate him; you know that you did.  

You have to adjust the pillow and flip to your back instead of your side. With the heel of your boot you then tap the lock shut for some ensured privacy, in case they don’t notice the bright blue warning scarf.

Hershel and Lori get it. Hershel simply reminds you about “mercy,” reminds you that you don’t hate Rick anymore, and will say a prayer. Lori encourages you to spend time together with him or more time with Carl.

You wish Dale were still here, and remember that you need to wind his watch and pray the “kad-ish” for him today. Dale would know what to say and do, could teach you how to get a grip. Heck, maybe the fact that he’d just died back when it all happened had been a catalyst for how deep you’d dived.

It had been so bad at first. Your hatred and all that dark stuff had been so thorough and you’d felt so completely empty and lost that you’d…

…you’d left the group.

You’d left your Carl. It was that fucking complete.

That bad, bad night, you’d attacked Rick, insulted him, threatened him. The others had to take your weapons away, they’d also had to restrain you, a lot. Something in you just fucking snapped when you knew what Rick did to your brother. To his own brother.  

And you’d been hoping he’d off you, too, but he didn’t. Didn’t pull his gun or his knife, even with your encouragements.

Then you accidentally broke him. That’s the term you think best describes what he looked like. It was like a short-circuit.

All it took was three words, “So was he.”

He’d been trying to tell you that he was still your brother, he still loved you. Each response you made to him was simple enough, but each somehow acted like a tranq dart.  

Maybe it’s because you’re so tired, but you can call to mind so vividly how words couldn’t seem to formulate in your head when you managed to utter “So was he.” Then the way your breathing had sped up and your voice started shaking and getting louder when you pushed back more against what he was saying with “So did he,” and how quickly it was followed by your stuttered, “Oh Ricky, s-so did I. I loved you so much...”  

And the final phrase, basic as it was, it wasn’t screamed or cursed, the “I hate you.” Those words stunned you when you thought them, they confounded you as you spoke them.  

Okay, pump the brakes a sec. Did you just think the word “confounded” to describe how you’d felt?  

Are you writing an English essay? Lol, take a breather, dude. You need to stop thinking about that night and get some rest, you’ll feel much better. “Confounded.” At least you’re smiling in embarrassment now.

Time to relax. You tighten all the muscles you can think of, then relax them. Tighten all your muscles, slowly, slowly, then relax. Tighten, relax.

You pray for strength and all that stuff while trying to picture happy things. Like when those two bunnies scurried past Daryl and you on a hunt and he didn’t notice them. When Carl woke up after his surgery. When Amy and you did the chicken swim. When Shane — no, no, this isn’t a happy memory, shit, no, this is when you saw who what was once Shane stand up — you can’t seem to shift away from the memory!

You didn’t know what was wrong at first. You’d seen Shane’s expression and assumed he’d gotten sacked in the jaw. Then you saw the color of his eyes. Even from the distance, it was plain as day that they weren’t his dark brown ones. They were those strange, terrible, light milky blue ones.

He’d turned.

To call out to Rick so that he could defend himself didn’t compute at the time; you’d forgotten about breathing never mind shouting. You simply stared as Shane your brother’s body reached and prowled toward Rick as you clung to Carl’s shirt so he wouldn’t leave your sight.

In your side vision, you noticed your nephew drawing his gun, and thankfully there was enough rattling around in your brain that you knew to unclasp your hand from the death grip you’d had on his shirt so you could guide and steady his aim. That way it would be less likely for Rick to accidentally get injured when Carl and you put down your brother’s body.  

The memory of the loud pop of the handgun and the slight recoil makes your hands twitch — oh, thank God! You’re staring at the car’s ceiling.

You’re awake, it was just a dream. Explains why it all got so vivid, ugh, thank God.

Okay, happy thoughts, happy thoughts, good memories…

Holding your newborn niece for the first time while your brother-in-law cradled your middle sister in his arms. Mama squeaking when the new chicks hatched because they were so small and sweet. That time Shane and you were given all of the leftover catfish and hushpuppies free of charge from your local spot at 11:08pm because you’d both had very bad days.  

Shane...

The scene changes. You’re not in his Jeep outside the catfish joint anymore, you’re looking at his corpse. Ugh, that revolting word. ‘Corpse.’

You’re staring at the stab wound. You didn’t recognize it as such back then, what would you know about differentiating that stuff? You figured it was a clean bite or whatever the fuck — you don’t know, you’d been numb. You’d been confused. The things that Shane had been saying earlier that night, they didn’t make sense. And you’d heard raised voices before you (and Carl) had found your brother’s corpse rising up and making for Rick.  

Little doubts and red flags and warnings had started to gather to whiz around your head like flies on roadkill as you stared at the wound and his body, it was a disgusting mess in your mind.

Then, the only word that really stuck out in it was the word ‘shovels.’

Shovels were what you needed. To bury the dead, that’s what was needed.

Carl, you, and that murderer your brother? Rick were trudging back to the farm. You’d needed to find the shovels to bury Shane and you’d needed to get Carl back to his mama.

Except, then the herd came shuffling across the fields and slowly mowed through the livestock fencing.  

You know you’re asleep, but you can’t really wake up right now. But, the walkers in the distance quickly disappear in your mind’s eye because you smell...smoke?

The barn is on fire. The barn, there’s smoke coming from the barn, the barn is on fire!

Rick.

Rick had lit the damned barn on fire with him and Carl still in there after you’d sprinted back to the house to get the RV. The plan was you, as in you personally, would risk it and run and get them down from the hayloft by driving the RV. You were faster, and Rick was the better shot, so he’d stay with Carl and keep him alive, you’d sprint to get the RV. There was nothing about a goddamn fire, but Rick had the bright (no, pun not fucking intended) idea to set one.

So, Jimmy ended up driving, you were the spotter — shit.

Jimmy. That poor boy, that poor, sweet boy got rushed so goddamned fast, th-they just came plowing through the door when it should’ve been you! And there was no saving him, they’d gotten his neck first before ripping into the rest of him.

All you’d been able to do for that selfless, brave kid was stop his pain with a bul — WHOA, what the fu — okay, okay, you’re awake again! 

You’re awake. Your heartbeat is trying to outrun itself, but you’re okay, you’re awake. You’d fallen asleep again, oh man...

Deep breaths, it was just a dream. Just another memory.

Your foot, it, um, it kicked the door when you jolted awake. The memory of pulling the trigger caused you to dream up a super loud pop in your ears and a realistic thud in your chest.  

Objectively, it’s kinda cool how the brain can do that, but it’s really unpleasant when you are trying to rest and not break down or boil over on a major holiday.

You know what? You shouldn’t have been sleeping on your back, silly Y/N, it’s easier to get nightmares and sleep paralysis and stuff on one’s back.  

New tactic: you’ll listen to songs that help you cry.

That’ll make you feel worse initially, but then much better! Glenn did it, he’s probably fine. You’ll let all the anger and hurt come up and flow out and away.

You shimmy the mp3 player from your pocket and queue up the remastered Mona Lisa, the song from The OC that played when Ryan’s mom left, then Dare You to Move and It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday (yes, you’re an embarrassment), then that opera one that your mama first heard in the romantic Italian movie about the Holocaust, and some sad Johnny Cash music from his older years. You’re not brave enough yet to listen to Going to California to calm down and feel better. Haven’t been since Shane was killed. Your dad had loved the song way too much for some reason, so your family loved it. Shane listened to it way too often.

There you go about Shane again, jeez. But it’s cool, it’s cool — let it all come up and flow out.  

You turn to your side facing the seat and try falling asleep again, curled like a roll-up bug while the music softly plays.

It’s good that your stuff was shoved into the Dodge during the mad rush last night, because the Chevy was the truck you’d driven away in, that night escaping from the Greene’s farm. You wouldn’t want to be in that truck right now, it’s hard enough trying to not obsess over that night.

Maybe if you remember the good parts of that night? Rick had busted through that skylight thing in the RV the night the farm was overrun, after what you’d had to do for Jimmy.  

Rick had busted through it, hopped down and got you out of there. He saved you.

Once out of there, you’d glued yourself to Carl’s side, rescued Hershel, then all clambered into the red Chevy and floored it.  

Come morning, the survivors all found each other at the highway.

Felt like a miracle; you still had a family, still had people.

Hell, you still had all your stuff; it was packed in the Hyundai that Glenn and Maggie got away in because you and Shane were supposed to...

...you were supposed to leave for a while, let things blow over. Help Shane come back to himself, remember his goodness. No one was past redemption.

…I love Rick, I love Shane, I love Rick, I don’t hate Rick, I don’t hate him, I love him, I love Rick, I love Shane…

Jimmy and Shane you already knew were gone, when the group found each other. It was bad enough letting Beth and Hershel know about him, but least you didn’t have to tell Jimmy’s mother what happened and how you couldn’t save her child. You see, Patricia didn’t make it, either.  

Neither did Andrea, which — okay, you still can’t shake the notion that you’d seen her after she was supposed to have gotten killed. Maybe their time references were mixed up, but, it looked just like her and it hadn’t been moving like a walker, neither.

But, again, the memory situation is strange, you suppose. Clear as plastic wrap, yet messy, sort of like when the plastic wrap clings to itself.  

The next afternoon, when Rick had walked off after telling all of you that you were infected, you hadn’t known that he admitted to Lori what he did to Shane right then and there.  

Because, no, you’d immediately taken responsibility and done what needed doing, just like your brother would have, which was rounding up a group to get water, firewood, and something to eat.

You need water, warmth, food and wits to survive, so you desperately clung to whatever wits you still had and tried to ensure that there’d be water, warmth, and food.

As for that strange, cruel, awful, messy whispering you’d had in your head since the night before, that Rick somehow killed Shane? Because of the shouts and screams you’d heard, how Rick (and Shane’s body) looked like they’d been fighting, that Rick had blood all over his hand, how Shane’s wound looked so neat and clean compared to other bites, because of the strange things Shane was saying the last time you saw him?

Well, you’d shoved all that down and away and shamed yourself for thinking it because it was impossible. 

It was your wits running away from you, not anything that could have been true. They were brothers. They were your brothers, and you had a damned job to do — doing something to keep who was still alive living, so to hell with all those awful red flags and questions in your head. Those questions were unfounded and stupid and wrong and impossible.

Which means, when Rick had that little outburst around the fire later that night…

Turns out, Shane had trained you very well how to fight. And how to fight multiple people off, including those who were bigger than you. It was quite the show, you imagine.

You still ended up restrained (you were too outnumbered) and thank God for it.

It was as if you’d turned into a rabid animal, you—you scared your Carl even more than he was already scared of his father, frightened Lori who was already frightened of her husband. Hell, you low-key terrified everybody, yourself included. All you saw was red, it was similar to that time you’d tried to beat up Ed Peletier, but amplified to eleven.

And yeah, you’d even left them that night. Your family.  

A knot forms in your stomach when you acknowledge it, so you curl up tighter. That you’re crying harder now is good, soon you’ll have it all out.

Here you are still, with your family, and again, thank God for it. Your rage lessened, you’re healing bit by bit. Rick’s darkness lessened, he’s healing bit by bit.  

Things got okay, and fairly fast, too.

You love him, you know that.

He loves you, you know that.

And as much as you can tell it rips him up inside even more, it doesn’t change the fact that it’s still easy for anger and hurt and even something like hatred to cloud you sometimes.

Anyways, T-Dog was right, maybe you’re having some trouble because it’s the first Christmas “without.”

…………………………..

> Spend time and remember you love Rick in the next chapter here <

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[ghost-bleus]

If I send an ask at 11:59 do you still have to answer it because it was sent today /genq

Not saying I will (I’m so fucking tired) but hypothetically

that shouldn’t count ☹️☹️

[troydooly]

As a dad of 9; well 11 counting two granddaughters we are raising, I’ve invested the last 40 years striving to grow as a daddy, hubby and poppy.

Our first 3 are boys (40, 37, 33). I was a young dad, not even out of my teens with the first one. I was still learning what it meant to be a man, hubby and daddy. Actually I wasn't striving for anything back then; I was stumbling my way forward most days, not sure if I was making any ground.

Then came the next 3; 2 girls and another boy (29, 27, 20). I was getting in my stride by this point. I wasn't stumbling as much, but when I did, it was like playing King of the Mountain. I would be close to the top just to trip and fall halfway down the mountain.

Then came the Irish triplets, all girls (15, 15, 14). Everything I thought I knew about being a dad went up in a cloud of smoke! It was like three aliens had joined our family who spoke a language I had never learned.

Now, on top of these 3, the Lord figured I still needed to learn patience, humbleness, some more grace, and mercy and brought us two granddaughters to raise (11 & 😎

So here I am, 59, trying to raise 5 girls who don't seem to understand English when I talk to them. It’s like everything I thought I knew has become as obsolete as my original bag phone!

Ah, and another little secret, their mom and whimsy; my wife, who has been my best friend since we were teens, seems to have changed her language as well because I don't seem to understand her anymore. She has started to explain things to me with exasperation in her voice or a real perplexing look on her face like I’m an alien! 👽

So, sitting here at the beach, praying for answers, I got this prompting…

Troy, stop trying to mold all this woman and these girls into what you desire, and become the hubby, daddy, and poppy they need and deserve!

Think about it like this men… stop leading out of fear and anger, concerned about creating an unsafe home for them to express themselves, and start salvaging the relationships with all the ladies in your home!