#i can 't sto p laugh ing

[finding-the-daylight]

Today has been a very stressful day, so guess wtf time it is? Drunk Breaking Dawn Pt. 1. Here is what I soberly remember of the movie (I have not watched it since BD2 came out): 

1. There’s a wedding.

2. There’s a honeymoon.

3. There’s swimming in the ocean.

4. There’s an accidental pregnancy.

5. The baby almost kills Bella.

6. The canon incident that we all hate happens.

7. The Volturi evilly laugh. 

Same as Eclipse, my drunken narration of the movie will be below the break.

A brief intro statement, I was 100% sober and just beginning to drink at the beginning of the Eclipse post and progressively got more drunk. For BD1, I’m throwing back before I even start watching this shit show.

- I love the effects of the intro. it’s very calming. THe putting away childish things quote is literally a Bible verse. I hate that Stpehen appropriated Quileute culture, Christian culture, and every culture. I know she’s mormon but sitll. THis shit feels real appropriated.

- Idk why rennee is all happy. she never gave a shit before.

- OMG ALICE TEHCING BELLA TO WALK IN HEELS IS THE CUTEST ICRY.

- carlisle carryign the bench is literally the hottest hting i’ve ever seen fck

- lowkey kinda creeprd out because she’s literally sacrificing her humanity to marry this deud she’s known for like a year but everyone other than jacob is super supportive

- damn she’s looking @ this dreamcatcher and it’s making me sad but tbh that shit probably caused half her nightmares because she’s not native so sleep paralysis (if you know you know).

- DAMN EDWAD RELALY JUST ADMITTED HE’S BEEN A VIRGING FOR OVER 100 YEARS WHAT AB RAVE MAN WE STAN

- BUT FOR REAL WHY IS NO ONE FREAKING TF OUT THAT SHE’S LITERALLY BEGGING TO DIE FOR THIUS DUE?

- he just todl her hes killed people and explained it and it didn’t work she’s still down to clown with this vapire emo boi

- HOW HE’S SMILTING @ HR WTF I AM SO ALONEEEE

- i just wama ne im loved amd ne loved in retun plz

- this dream sequence is awful also fck the volturi is til hate that they never overthrew that crabbyass monarchy bullshit they were powerful enough

- i just wanna be like rosalie when i greow up

- charlie knew shit was off when he saw those crapsk 

- why the HELL is renen actin liks she cares? bitch go the fuck back home

- jessica is the only one with any damn common sense in this whole series talking about they’re too fucking young for this shitt bitch true and itm akes sene now why she was the valedictioajrn 

- SLEEPING AT LAST IS THT GROUP IDK IF YALL HAVE HEARD ANY OF HTEIR OTHER STUFF BUT THEY’RE AMAIZNG AND I USED TO CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP # THAT SHIT

- damn id’ be fuckign panicking too your lfie is over hoe 

- stpeheen sto pwiht your racist ass smiling its offensive

- CHARLIE FUCKING DEWEVRE BETTER SOMEONE LOVE HIM PLEASR

- this wedding is gorgoeus though i live for hte fuckj g aestiec 

- OH MY GORD THE PROM SONGGGGGGGG  FCK ME RIGHT IN THE EMO 

- IT JUST HIT ME WHN THEY WRE LOOKI  @ EACH OTHERS EYES THIS BTCH REALLY MARYING AN UNDRSF VAMPIRE HOE this shit is horryighn why was i not scare?

- carlisle is the love of y life

- sth is a lil ray of sunishen 

- i just reaized howd fucked it is that sue and chalrie are starng to catch feelz ut sue knows his daughter is funckugn off with a unded vamp emo iboi

- OMG I FCUKING HATE STEPHENE RACIST ASS I LEGIT MADE AP OST EARLIER SYAING LAURENT WANTED TO DO THE RIGHT THING ANDWOUVLEBE BEND A VEGETATIAN BITCH AND IRENEA CONFIRMED FCK THIS SHIT IM OUT ANG ANGRY

- charlie is gget ing drunk as hell my spiritn animel

- jesica is smart and beautiful she needs t os stop being jealous and petty know ya wotht girlie you got itl

- I SWEAR WHEN IGET MARRIED OSMEDAY IF ANYONE GIVES A SPEECH LIKE THIS I WILL PERSONALLY DRAGT HER ASS OUT.

- edwar lves her so much fck im all alone\

- how haoph hacob is when they hig i hate canonn they were best friends fc,

- jacob stay the fck outta her sex life she;s been wanting this for ad dman year fkc steohe let them jsut befriend

- steh is so swert but e is a chidl fck the is reacist plot bulshit

- CHARLIE DESEVRD BETTR FCK THIS PLOT FOR REAL I HAE CANON

- bela looks os ad she knows it’s goodbye but edward’s family is all smiling because they have her now hwat fthe ckc

- jac0bs cryng my heart brke

- i love bineg dunk 

- the scene isn rio is my faorite isn any of the movies eveyrhting looks warm and happy

- this bich can drive ab oat too damn he can just fod evryhin cant he

- CARLISLE BOUGHT A WHOEL DAMN ISALND FOR HIS WIFE AND I CANT ECVE GET A TEXT BACK? 

- deis this honeymon scene make anuone else unconmfy becuae same

- marying a vampire would be horrying af but also hot af and good af becuase htye oculd love so much and protect you from everythign fck 1-/10 woukd efeel safe

- bwll gaving a panic attakc ism e anyt tinme i try talking to an attractive man

- slepeign at last fckign ti up agin bit ch theis m yshit 

- when he said it was the best night i cred 

- tstoehe added the chess game like this shit is a hoje but i would love to play chess on my honemodn idk how uut  i want a man to each me but not mansplin

- WHY THE FUCJ AR THEY SO CTE ON THIS AMN HONEYMOON?

- i know i sadn it was horryig but i want a hotass vamp emo boi husband plas 

- damn jacob is being too emo she aint really gonan be ded for ever youll see her agianb itch

- ‘CULLENS ARE NOT A DNAGER TO THE TOWN OR TRUBE” BITCH IB EG TO FUCKIN DIFFER THIS SHIT BIOLOGICAL WARDARE RACIST ASS STPEHEN WRITING THIS FUCKING BULLTSIT

- ‘NONE OF THEM BELONG TO THEMSEVLES ANYGMROE” - SOMEONE SAID IT BITCH THSI SHIT IS FUCKRE IP

- i fucking hates these vamp racist bitches but i want a nonracist va,p husband bitch thus hot afck

- how tf does she not know shes rpegr yet eatin this weid ass shit?

- THESE FKERS BEEN AROUND FOR CENTURIES TLAKING BOU IDK IF ITS VEEN POSSIBEL BTICH YU SHOULD FUCKUGN KNO BY NOW

- ROVERT SPOEAKIN G PORTGUEVE IS SO KING ATRACTIV

- poor bella her life chaned so uqick and she[s soc scared fck dcnaon

- POOR CHARLIE I HATE THIS HE DESERVES TO BE LOVED AND TURTH TOLD

- ROSALEI IS THE EST 

- “YOU LOOK TERRBLE’ THIS IS THE FRIENDHSOP WE WANT WHYT THE FCK DOES FOPSTHE RUIN EALL THIS SHIT

- CARLISE IS FUNCIGJ HOT

- LIRALY BITCH I JUST WNAT A PURE FIRENDHSIP WUTH JACOB AND BELLA ITS WHAT THEY DESERVE FJC CAON

 - this montage is turopy a f when youre drunk waht the helc por jake thugh

- im sorry but i;n laughign my ass off at these fuckugn wolf vocie overs lmaoooo this shit hilarious

- SETH HAS SUCH A PURE HEART WHTY TF DID SPTEHEH RUIB HUS FUCJING CHILDHOOD BULTHIST

- WHY IS EVEYRIJE BSUCG AFUCKUGN BUTCG TO LEAH???? SHE DESEVRED THE FUCKING WORLD STPEHEN IS A RACISHT BITCHHHHHH

- calisbe is fos unicngn hot

- i just reaized robert is like the best fuckugn actor like this diolaguge is wha k as fuck btu he’s acitng all emo boi oscar worhty shti

- they realy had her fuckin drink blodo i hate cannjnonnn

- ifelel the same as kaje watchign this 

- but carlisle’s prety face made it all fuckig hetter

- FUCKRT HIS SHTI CHARLIE DESERVED BETTER HE’S THE BEST DAD FCK CANO NFUCK STEPRHNE 

- okay ut id is cute as fkc whe nedward hears the baby 

- esme and calrisle wilougn to risk their lives for bella i cryi

- fkc i really do hate cnaon because jake is acting liek an adult now and trying to do the honrble thig bue he should be a hpaoy chidl 

-  resnemsien is a ficking ridjcils name and we all fuckj nnew

- i ahte this part i’n bot even wathcing this shit rgros me rout 

- WHY THDID FUCK DID THIS BITCH HAVE A FUKCUNG SYRINGE OG VENOM LAYING AORUND? HOE!?!?!

- literlaiy fuick the dynamics of this whole moty hfknfucjg storyline plot bitch

- LEAH AND STHE DESERVERD BETTER

- SO DID JACOB

- SO DID ALL THE WOLFPAKC STPEHEN IS A RACIST AS SHOE

- aw hell here the fucks we hgo with theu ickgn im************** bulshit i ghate cnaojn canon can suck ad ick

- YES BILLY DEFEND YOUR CHIDL 

- rosalie is literally perfect when cnai b ehr 

- im real glad im drunk rin now because ioculd nto sit throguh this shit sober

- imp&******* is the worst plotline fkc]

- bit iamgiben falling alseo lookin gsick and waking up fhot as uck goals

- this sogn making me cry literlalu imcruing ims o alone lmao

- rheye really ended htoe move wirh red eyws lmaoooo

- hodl the fick up a damn minute stpeehebn producre htis cufkcng shit?

- now heres the hoes iv’ve been waiting on burnt the monarch fuckwits i hate thes epompis fuckers

- OVERTURBR THESE FUCKSERS THEY HAVE TIOO MUCH POWR 

CARLISR COULD FUCKING D OI T I HATE CNAON BRING THE VAMPIRE DECONOARCY

- OOHG BRUNNO MARS BRINGNG THE FUCKING SIMPSSHOES ANTHM I NEEDLOVE IT

[gynecicarbitrator]

PORRIM: -another evening spent training with nepeta in the gym. it's one of those routines she's more eager to get used to. maybe it's the activity making her feel more energetic, or maybe it's just the fact that she can see physical, tangible results for her hard work that makes her feel more accomplished... or maybe it's just fun to hang out with nepeta like this. whatever it is, she's happy to be here in the middle of all this uncertainty.- 

PORRIM: -she's in the middle of some stretches, watching nepeta do whatever she's doing with a challenging looking. what is on her mind...-

NEPETA: =Porrim was one of the people she bothered coming out of the vents for. Cramped as they were and limited as of late she'd taken to them since Earth. Her old friends had gained bits and pieces of their former selves, they were still recovering. Still adjusting but there was so much to process and so much of Alternia to get out of their heads.... programming? The two seemed the same for them.  Exercising with Porrim was an outlet for a lot of things she didn't want to deal with. Things she actively sought to not deal with= 

NEPETA: =As of now she's in the middle of working on balance and stretching. One hand and foot supporting her on the beam as she holds the other extremties outward. Porrim's look is met with a tongue poking from between her lips= 

NEPETA: :33 < would mew like me to strike a bettpurr pose fur you to pawgle? :PP

PORRIM: Yes, actually. -smiles- 

PORRIM: Yo+u have a go+o+d thing go+ing o+n no+w, but yo+u can always do+ better.

NEPETA: :33 < hmmmm...... let's s33.....  =Lowering herself a bit she kicks off on that leg and balances on one hand. Her legs curled over her head with the other arm out= 

NEPETA: :33 < there! i'm going to be purr goals! take notes! one day mew might hold purr big butt up on one hand!

PORRIM: -watches this thoughtfully, stroking her chin. assessing.- Hmm. 

PORRIM: Yo+u kno+w, this raises the questio+n... Can yo+u ho+ld my big butt up with o+ne hand?

NEPETA: =lowers herself and crouches on the beam= NEPETA: :33 < i've done it with two one shouldn't be so pawrd! =offers her hand, get UP HERE=

PORRIM: - :eyes: yes good.- We'll see abo+ut that. -not that she doubts this at all, but it's still fun to tease. she wanders over and holds out her hand for nepeta's help to hoist her up onto the beam.-

NEPETA: =And hoist she does. Porrim's definitely made a lot of progress from the beginning. Packing on muscle and toning up but Nepeta uses every moment she can to boast her own strength and try to manhandle Porrim here and there. YOINKS her on up there... and wobbles for good measure= 

NEPETA: :33 < watch purr center :00

PORRIM: -manages to get her balance easily, she was already pretty graceful before training, and settles in place with a smile.- I'm go+o+d to+ go+. Sho+w me what yo+u're made o+f. - just :eyes: :eyes: :eyes:-

NEPETA: :33 < tasty stuff! 

NEPETA: =Also tough stuff, the toughest! Nepeta hums for a moment, then falls back into the position she was holding before away from Porrim. Supporting herself on herself on one arm and leg she gestures at Porrim= :33 < get ofurr here big butt! 

NEPETA: :33 < take a seat! =As if to emphasize her point she kicks her leg out.= i'll boot mew nice and secure!

PORRIM: -laughs a little as she carefully steps towards her.- The mo+ment o+f truth. -it feels a little complicated to approach climbing up on her, but she somehow manages it, albeit a little wobbly.-

NEPETA: =oh no... she tried to make it easy...  holds Porrim's hand and pokes her in the side with her toe= :33 < oops! 

NEPETA: =Though she does YANK Porrim, that foot pressed into her stomach then quickly press the other to Porrim's thighs. Grunts and many wobbles=

PORRIM: -the poking makes her squirm, but no time to lose her balance with her other foot pressing into her.- Haha, everything alright there?

NEPETA: :33 < no purrrrroblem! =Mostly... the thing is holding up Porrim isn't the problem but it's the additional weight to shift and the momentum from pullimg Porrim up that has her shaky on one hand. Nepeta's nails grip the beam and gouge into it as they tip to one side. Her abdominals flexing with the effort to keep them upright, she even shifts Porrim in the other direction to try and counteract that... but too much..= 

NEPETA: =WELP. She tries to let go of Porrim's hand. BYE=

PORRIM: -WHOOP. there's no way this could possibly go well. even with their hands slipping out of grasp, nepeta isn't alone in careening off to the side.- Oh shit!! -most assuredly, a comical crashing noise follows these famous last words.-

NEPETA: :33 < oof! =Hits the mat hard and starts to kick her feet at Porrim= 

NEPETA: =Then turns on her heels then goes to tackle her so they go rolling once more=

PORRIM: -EVERYTHING IS HAPPENING SO FAST.- Wha-- 

PORRIM: -tumbles with this cat, inspiring more startled and confused noises until porrim gets her bearings enough to try and wrestle nepeta into a headlock.- Wo+w, that really was impressive.

NEPETA: =grapples with her and chomps the arm= :33 < it would've b33n meowre impurrressive if purr big butt  didn't wiggle so much!  >:00

PORRIM: Ow-- -responds to chomps by kissing her on the head. MUAH.- 

PORRIM: Yo+u can't blame me. This was a test o+f yo+ur pro+wess.

NEPETA: =Purrs and nuzzles her sweaty face on Porrim's probably sweaty arm= :33 < but mew can't mix purrfection with buttstick pawll the time! 

NEPETA: :33 < mew get mixed results =nibbles the beef=

PORRIM: -pets the kitty with sweaty hands, yes. there's so much sweat and it's disgusting but she's getting used to it.- Still so+unds like an excuse to+ me. 

PORRIM: But maybe it's just time fo+r a break.

NEPETA: =She honestly has more Go Go Juice to do a lot more, being in the vents hardly lets her get out a lot of energy. The ship still has it's amenities but she needs fresh air and actual activity.= 

NEPETA: :33 < bluhhhhh fine if purr so tired we can do that =kicks legs a little and flicks her tail=

PORRIM: Great. -gives the tail gently tugs before releasing her so she can stand.- 

PORRIM: Would it be too much to suggest we hit the showers? Because I'm going to anyway.

NEPETA: =Jumps a bit at the tug to her tail and jumps up as she's released. She thought it would be a water break or something but Porrim seems done for the day= 

NEPETA: :P/ < bluhhh if mew want to be boring =POUTS..... considers... eh. Maybe she can bite her or something while they're in there. Or she could shake her dusty coat on Prrom after she finished..... choices..... but she'll make up her mind on that later and groans dramatically the whole way.=

PORRIM: I'm always bo+ring. -believe her, she isn't EXACTLY done with nepeta... she leads her into the showers connected to the gym and promptly starts undressing once she's inside.-

NEPETA: :33 < meowst of the time! i can give mew that at least! =Just kicks off all her things. She's sweat a fair amount but there's still some dust and little rolls of dirt mixed with sweat that fall off her. There's the lines of plated silver that trail up her spine from her tail. Ports that were given the extensions that were meant for them on the side and of course her multitude of old and newer scars on this dirt naked kitty=

PORRIM: -pulls at face at how dirty she is.- I'm surprised yo+u do+n't have a clo+ud o+f dust emanating aro+und yo+u. 

PORRIM: -but she's an expert at this sort of thing. she brandishes her weapons she drew from her sylladex before she stripped of everything... a scrub brush, body wash, hair care. she's going to smell like a FLOWER by the time porrim is done with her. beckons for her to follow into the stall with her.-

NEPETA: =Hisss.......= 

NEPETA: :33 < what do mew have against purrsonal scents =BATS the body wash out her hand in passing, BLEH=

PORRIM: - :unamused: - 

PORRIM: What do+ yo+u have against perso+nal hygiene? -leans down to pick up the body wash again, tucks all this under her arm and goes to turn on the water.-

NEPETA: =stares up into the water, its cold at first but she's just that hardcore.= :33 < pawrtificial smells are gross that's why i hate a lot of purrfumes and other dumb things it doesn't smell like a spurring breeze! 

NEPETA: :33 < AND the names pawre dumb = pretentious voice= ocean mist .... ppbtbbtbtbbtbtbtbt =raspberries in disapproval=

PORRIM: And I suppo+se Eau de Cat Funk is better. -comes up behind her and dumps that shampoo into nepeta's hair. AGGRESSIVELY MASSAGES SCALP.-

NEPETA: =BBLARRGGHHH, she's shruggs up her shoulders and scrunches away= :33 < its naturally clawppealing!

PORRIM: Ho+ney, the wo+rd is repelling. -scrub scrub- PORRIM: Hm... -hums thoughtfully.- 

PORRIM: Yo+u kno+w, as much as I lo+ve to+ banter abo+ut yo+ur weird sto+nk, we haven't had much o+ppo+rtunity lately fo+r any real co+nversatio+ns, have we? -this is sounding dangerously like she's about to get real.-

NEPETA: =Mnng-ing cat noises, shrinks more.... the door is probably shut but she could try to crawl over the stall=..... 

NEPETA: =Turns to Porrim and lifts arms, drapes on her to also distrupt the scrubs= :33 < i came in here to meowstly bite mew does that count as real pawlk? >:((

PORRIM: That so+unds mo+re like a deflectio+n. -frowns as her scrubs are interrupted, but finds a way to reach around again and scrub some more, albeit awkwardly.- 

PORRIM: I was ho+ping yo+u wo+uld share so+me o+f yo+ur experiences fro+m when we were scattered all o+ver the US. 

PORRIM: Yo+u might no+t have no+ticed... But yo+u've been pretty scarce since then.

NEPETA: :PP < its pawlled being sneaky! but i got some steak furrom a weird horse 

NEPETA: :33 < dirk got hurt but he was ok... um. it was meowstly pawlot of driving

PORRIM: Yeah? That's all? -the most skeptical tone-

NEPETA: =casts a glance up at Porrim though her expression falls to a more neutral one as she speaks again= 

 NEPETA: :33 < if that was pawll and mew knew that was all there was to it mew wouldnt be picking at me like a bad wedgie =Furrows eyebrows= 

NEPETA: :33 < it was dumb what meowre do you want me to say pawbout it? >:/(

PORRIM: Well... I was ho+ping yo+u co+uld tell me that. PORRIM: Yo+u kno+w, in case there are things yo+u wanted o+r needed to+ say, but needed an excuse to+. 

PORRIM: -baps her on the top of the head.- Instead o+f bo+ttling it up like a big dummy.

NEPETA: =Was she bottling? Maybe.... though it was how she handled a lot. It was how she handled a lot of her things. How she handled the general coming back up. Seeing her friends the first time, now them again and Tavros leaving and they did agree Durgah go with them but.... it still wasn't... a good feeling= 

NEPETA: =Is bapped then pouts at Porrim= 

NEPETA: :33 < bluuhh ...my old furriends were depurrogrammed by equihiss 

NEPETA: :33 < but there was anofur me kind of me, shes dead meow but they made me anyway so pawll i did was leave them behind when he purropbably couldve... escaped togefur? 

NEPETA: :33 < a lot of things are dumb right meow so im not pawttling im 

NEPETA: :// < mmm... purrocessing

PORRIM: -nods along as she listens, rubbing her fingertips in nepeta's hair.- 

PORRIM: Just so+ lo+ng as yo+u kno+w yo+u do+n't have to+ pro+cess alo+ne. 

PORRIM: As anno+ying as yo+u are... I'm still here fo+r yo+u in whatever ways yo+u need.

NEPETA: :33 < mnnngmnmgnngm =buries face in her chest and gurgles but nods. She feels weird. Bad weird, the tip of her tail shakes then flicks before she nips at Porrim.= 

NEPETA: =side scritches also=