#hzt has a new mv out today/tomorrow n idek if I want to stay up for it :{
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#just gonna have a lil emo moment before all the fun stuff starts..#mh rambling feel free to ignore ///////////////////////////#hzt has a new mv out today/tomorrow n idek if I want to stay up for it :{#Im still coming to terms with n realising how mentally unwell I've been for the last while n all the comeback stuff has been distracting#n hzt not doing as much work so not having to think abt it..I adore him and don't want to stop;; but rn its hard#bc he just makes me think of feeling sick and all the stupid things I was doing#n I've never wanted to let anyone down bc people have been so nice and good to me for supporting him so hard;;#it's frustrating seeing how easy it was to get like that..bc I have in the past n I understand the pattern now#earlier I was trying to explain to mom how bad it was and she just kept 'yes but you didnt Really think/believe/feel that right?'#'you're just cute and sweet and care a lot' etc etc#like no matter how I try to tell her that it was really bad and I have serious problems and have had for years..bc this happened before..she#wont listen#n I feel really floaty and lost without that? it was amazing for the first week but#now Im just either !!!!!!! excited or hoping for death with no inbetween orz#somehow I feel like I lost a lot of confidence coming back to myself after like 2 years of episodes where I couldnt really focus#on my own stuff at all#I worry so much about talking to people and my fic and Everything :c bc Im rly self aware again and aaa#fandom is my only Thing in life n I get so uncomfortable about my mh impacting on how I interact with it;; I feel like Im doing#everything wrong recently#or that people will be mad with me and I'll have to explain that I'm just a useless unwell person and dont fit in irl or here#I know I've liked pcy for A While so its not out of nowhere that I'm more focused on him recently but..idk I'm making a bigger deal of it#than anyone else is :( just feel rly gross about myself and everything#daily reminder that cat is wonderful n I'm so so lucky n selfish#I did all this before when I was a teenager n I should be old enough not to be like this anymore but I'm not n I cant change#n that feels rough;;#aa idk;;#excited for suyeol and trying to ignore that everything else feels bad TT
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