#hypothetically what if i cant take this anymore

[sanjiafterhours]

crying session at my house tonight pull up at 8

[microwavepopcorn]

[the-s1lly-corner]

If it's alright, could I request a Toby, Slenderman, Eyeless Jack, and Jane the Killer x reader (separately), where the reader has no self preservation? Not in a sad way, but more in a "cheerfully confident that they can handle it" kinda way.

Either way, I hope you have a good day!

Crps x overly confident!reader w/ no survival instinct

Points

JANE REQUEST SPOTTED!! Feels like hardly anyone asks for her!!

Side note I could NOT find a good gif LMAO

Characters: Ticci Toby, Eyeless Jack, Slenderman, Jane the Killer

Notes: reader is GN, reader is not suicidal in any way they just think they're built different, reader is written as a human

CWs: injury and blood mentions, canon typical violence and death

SLENDERMAN

hes seen humans die to less, hes not going to let you follow that path... why would have to do any of this when hes right here to do the dirty work for you without complaint? he simply doesnt get it

but still, if he knows you will survive he will let you go- as foolish as he may think you are for throwing yourself into a fight or disaster- he will never fully understand humans so surely you must have a reason for this? stops this when it just leads to you getting hurt over and over, it slowly becomes clear that youre doing it because youre cocky. you truly do think you'd come out the other side unscathed

you dont even get the chance to throw yourself into a fight against a someone wielding a weapon- theyre torn down before you can get too close, leaving behind a mess of gore on the ground. your attitude may have rubbed off on him, he hardly ever displays such strength and violence- but if this is what needs to be done to show that you dont need to fight anymore then so be it

TICCI TOBY

honestly? he might just join you in whatever danger youre about to throw yourself in- he himself doesnt have much survival instinct, though a lot of that hinges off of his inability to feel pain. he minimizes the damage done to his body most of the time

and... that kind of bleeds into how he acts when youre reckless, afterall hes never had to be careful about himself- and you seem to hold the same belief to your own body... its going to take a real nasty injury to snap him out of that and make him realize that youre not invincible- even if the lesson doesnt sink in for you

you still sometimes make light hearted bets on things when stuff gets intense- "oh i bet i can take him-" "oh i can do this with one hand tied behind my back-" and so on and so fourth

youre both a little.... foolish...

EYELESS JACK

painfully aware of human anatomy and what it can and cant take- that comes from being very interested in the topic as well as being able to look inside human bodies first hand

a lot of the time you cant even take a single step towards the danger, hes already got his hand on your shoulder and tugging you into the other direction... and in the case where its dangerous but not deadly? you can feel the look hes giving you under his mask... for someone with no eyes he can give a mean glare

you give him hypotheticals for threats that you can take on and hes just "absolutely not."... he will not spare your ego, your safety is far more important to him- youre the one good thing in his life and hes not going to let you get yourself killed

JANE THE KILLER

it takes her a moment to process what youve said and by then youre already running towards the threat- and shes bolting after you to either back you up or drag you away... preferably drag you away if its something that cannot be stopped or bested

what were you thinking? are you insane? what if you were killed? shes not going to hold anything back, she wants to understand why you would do something like that- especially unprepared... do you have a death wish?

not at all happy or pleased with your little habit of just. running into things head first... she doesnt think its commendable or brave, and shes going to let you know what she thinks as shes trying to stop your wounds from bleeding all over the place

you can tell shes trying to be nice- well, niceish- but her tone does slip out as she speaks

[gortash-week]

hello gortash nation. it is i, host of this week @sankttealeaf here! gortash week may "officially" be over but that means nothing when the archduke wants more! (he will not stop until he has more, please i miss my family he's keeping me locked away in wyrms rock prison and is making me dance for his amusement! i cant dance! help please!!)

anyway - despite the event ending, i will be leaving the AO3 collection open until the end of august / early september for those who found the event a little later and want to make something for these prompts. time is a weird soup after all, we don't follow rules here!!

if you've made something and have thought "oh no! its not the day of the prompt anymore - i cant post it" PLEASE share it!! i'm still accepting submissions and i'll still reshare any gortash week work here & tag whichever day its for! i know some people found out about the event as it was happening and if the prompts have inspired you - please share!!! i'd love to see it!!

thank you from the bottom of my heart if you've participated in this event - whether that's making things or simply engaging with the content shared. it means the world to me that people found the prompts interesting enough to take time out of their day to make something for it. i had no idea this event would be as big as it's become and i'm so so so impressed with the wide variety of work made and shared!! everyone is so talented and i cant wait to see what other things you all make and write <3

as for the future? well, i'd love to run more events like this! i've mentioned before about a hypothetical "gort month" that would include two prompts per week, 8(ish) prompts in total. that way there's a loooot more time to work on things & if people wish to join halfway through it's a lot less pressure to do so! my aim for running events is to keep them as stress & pressure free as possible because theyre here to be fun! i'm also open to comments & ideas & feedback on how you (yes, you!) found this event so if i do end up running something else in the future it can be better and better! pls feel free to shoot me as ask (anon or not it's fine! be respectful though, that's all i ask<3) if you have any post-event comments you want to air and i'll respond!!

again, if i've missed any of your work you've posted, please send it my way! no message required, just drop me the link & i'll share it asap!! thank you to those who have done that already!! i easily miss things and i dont want anyone to feel like im purposefully leaving them out!!

thank you again for making this week so enjoyable! ive had such a blast hosting it and if i see any other events i'll be sure to reblog them here (for those interested: i've seen a wyllmancer week, a galemancer week (both on twitter), and a lae'zel week on here that i can't seem to find the post for to link to :( )

again - super open to comments and feedback or even if you just want to say hi! i'm way more active on my main blog if you're interested in hanging out there :3

thank u so much for this week, it's been so much fun <3 <3

[murphysiblings]

🎓 student--raskolnikov

i swear to god if my landlord gives me any more shit im going to kill someone

#shut up rodia #vent

🎓 student--raskolnikov

oh my god

🎓 student--raskolnikov

what the fuck. what the fuck what the fuck

#my sister is getting engaged to some fucking douchebag #why???? she doesnt even like him they dont have ANYTHING in common #i dont understand #it doesnt make any sense this isnt like her at all #apparently she & my mom have some fucking. plan to ''help'' me by convincing him to let me work at his law firm #this isnt fair. she shouldnt be tying herself to some asshole she barely knows just for my sake #im not going to let this happen i cant have this happen #what kind of brother would i be to let this happen to her #god fuck you dunia why do you have to love me so much #fuck #i feel so guilty i dont know what to do #shut up rodia #vent

🎓 student--raskolnikov

ok u know what im gonna go on a walk i need to. calm down.

#shut up rodia

🎓 student--raskolnikov

??? theres a. drunk girl on the street. god she looks like 15 years old & some dude is perving on her. im gonna get him to fuck off

🎓 student--raskolnikov

a police officer got the guy to leave her alone & i even gave him money to get her a cab. why the fuck did i do that. i dont even care anymore. nothing matters. i hope everyone dies

#im such a shitty person just giving out money #my mom is taking that out her goddamn pention #shut up rodia #vent

🎓 student--rasknolnikov

ok uh. just as a hypothetical. if there was like. someone who took advantage of ppl & everyone hated would it be morally good to kill them

#i mean like . if society would be better off without them it shouldnt be a problem right #shut up rodia #rb for larger sample size please

🧹 lizavetaaaa

whhat the hell oh mmy god oh ny g;od

🧹 lizavetaaaa

my half sisster got fucickcing mur

💔 sadgirlsonia

liza ? what were u going to say ??? are u ok bestie???

#u havent replied to my dms pls im worried

[ask-rain-world-characters]

Okay, this is for everyone who wants to answer.

You are given a choice. You will have immortality, and millions of dollars (or something else you may want,) but there's a catch. There is a snail that knows where you are at all times, and its only goal is to make its way to you. Once it touches you, you die. Do you take the offer? If so, what will you do?

Survivor's Answer:

Hunter's Answer:

Watcher's Answer:

Gourmand's Answer:

Rivulet's Answer:

Enot's Answer:

Five Pebbles' Answer:

No Significant Harassment's Answer:

Sliver of Straw's Answer:

Nightcat plush image - @areon103 Transcripts:

Survivor: "See answering this question is redundant because no matter what scheme I cook up, the decoy snail can never be beaten, apparently. Trust me. I've tried."

Hunter: “Immortality is an iffy choice, and I don’t really need all that money… but I’d gladly trade it in for something else! So yes! I’ll take whatever challenge you give me, amigo! For I am the great and mighty-“ *ding dong! “huh? Hold that thought i have a guest! Who is it?” ”… oh no.”

Watcher: "No, I don't think I will take offer no matter what... but I heard this one before, and I think you forgot to make snail immortal as well... also what is a dollar?"

Gourmand: "I don't think we'd need anything more than what we currently have. Honestly, things have been going quite well for us! And with the immortality, well... some are already suspecting that there's some finicky force, that prevents one from dying. And I'm starting to think they might be right - so I don't think I'd need that either. But if someone else accepted this, I think I could take a shot at making that Snail for you. .......you want it?"

Rivulet: "Alright listen, sure the snail could theoretically kill me in one blow because of weird technicalities surrounding this arbitrary challenge, BUT, you have to consider the fact on how slow this snail is, I could do multiple laps on the snail, and he won't have any chance of grazing me a single time. So, yes! I would take the million dollars, it's, the easiest million dollars I've gotten in my li-" *Faint stream of noise is heard from afar* Wait, what is that sound...? *A jet squid comes by at a alarmingly high speed, with the snail being on top* "AAAAAHH-" *splatter* *Rain World death SFX plays*

Enot: "...'anything I want'? ...does that happen to include a date? ...maybe 8? ...sign. me. uuuuuuuup! Besides I can just kill it with one of my good ol' eggs, a snail cant be that resilient!"

Five Pebbles: "…What a ludicrous question. There are so many specifics to be questioned regarding this - does touching ‘me’ count as my facility? My can? Or My puppet? Far too many complications. Though I suppose I could simply wish for ascension, and the ordeal would be over with immediately, would it not? I highly doubt there is any way for this snail to reach ascension as well, so I’m assuming that would be the end of it."

No Significant Harassment: "Well, I think I already have the immortality part covered, and I don't have much use for money, but that is an interesting conundrum. I suppose if there were a way I could trap the snail so it couldn't reach me, it would be the perfect solution."

Sliver of Straw: What an interesting thought experiment. I am already immortal, to some degree. Nor do I have any record of what "dollars" are in my database, although it seems to be a kind of currency. I believe this question was posed for my creators, rather than my own kind. I'm afraid they aren't around anymore. Regardless! It can be fun to entertain these kinds of meaningless hypothetical experiments. After all, that's what we do; experiment! Over, and over, and over again. I've heard of snails before, but they aren't native to my area. They're wetland animals. It would certainly have to travel a considerable distance to reach me! And once it does, what specifically counts as "me"? My can would be the most obvious answer, but even then it can be difficult to define where one thing ends and another begins. The many pipes, bores, reserves, and disposal units that make up my facility grounds are as much a part of me as they are vital to my function, but they have no consciousness. Do I die if it touches one of my overseers? Once it touches me, how exactly do I die? There are far too many variables here to consider the full picture in complete objective fact, which is rather an important thing to do when my hypothetical life is on the line. Then again, very few theories we study are based in much fact anymore. We only have blissful hope left. Well, and old scriptures. Oh, I got distracted! ....Anyway, I don't take the offer, I have no use for items of monetary value. Is sending the snail to the Void Sea out of the question?

[br0ught2l1fe]

Headcanons on what the creeps would be like in a bl^nt rotation [includes jane the killer, clockwork, jeff the killer, ben drowned, and ticci toby]

—————————————————

a/n: these are my headcanons on what the creeps [jane, jeff, natalie, toby, ben] are like during a blunt rotation with eachother. if you havent already, i really recommend reading my headcanons on what the creeps are like high on their own time here just to understand this post a bit better. enjoy c:

✮ in this rotation we have: ben, jeff, toby, jane, and natalie aka clockwork

✮ lets set the scene: usually everyone’s go to smoke sesh spot is ben’s room because it’s just the vibiest and he’s always got the good stuff on him. his room will have his led light’s on and they WILL be on green. it’s a must to be on green. all his other lights like his lava lamp will also be on. and he’ll always have some quiet lofi on in the back to give the room a relaxing feel. [ben can be a jerk sometimes but one thing he will do is make sure everyone is comfortable enough to start smoking. we don’t want any panic attacks]

✮ unfortunately for nina, she is never invited to the sesh anymore because she tends to be highly annoying

✮ mainly the conversations between everyone starts off easy going, usually just talking about what slender did to piss them off this time or whatever crazy/strange thing they witnessed today.

✮ ben is definitely the one that’s got everyone laughing, like i said in another post he’s the absolute funniest when he’s high off his ass. it gets even better when toby starts joking along with him, i mean these guys are masters at bouncing jokes off each other.

✮ jeff will talk about his most recent murders while insensitively making jokes about them while jane rolls her eyes

✮ both jane and natalie at some point will playfully start picking on jeff to which he will playfully pick on them back

✮ this usually starts by jeff saying something stupid or saying something that just didn’t really make sense and natalie and jane will point it out every single time and make fun of him for it

✮ another thing is that when jeff tells a story he uses sound effects and it’s the funniest thing to natalie and jane, they’ll definitely make fun of the sounds and mock him

✮ examplé, jeff was once describing how he timed himself to see how fast he can kill someone [he’s lame like that, i wasn’t kidding when i said he was insensitive to his victims/murders] at one point he described the sound of his knife as “chchchch” to which natalie and jane simultaneously mocked the sound and laughed for a good 10 minutes about it

✮ both jeff and natalie will argue over his hypothetical questions about who is right or why their idea would never work

✮ both jeff and natalie really enjoy discussing on what they would do if a zombie apocalypse were to actually happen

✮ toby and ben eventually chime in to their conversation but they never take the conversation seriously

✮ so we have jeff and natalie arguing like the situation is genuinely happening at that very moment while ben and toby are cracking jokes about what they would do and making fun of jeff and natalie while pointing out the holes in their plans while jane just laughs along and listens

✮ eventually at some point ben and toby will decide they wanna go out and do something which usually involves a gas station run and just running around the nearby town acting like children

✮ jeff, jane, and natalie tag along but they’re falling behind caught up in talking about some random drama that natalie definitely brought up on accident [that girl cant keep a secret]

✮ sometimes if they smoked alot, ben and toby will come up with the dumbest ideas

✮ once, they both went out during the winter in like 40 degree weather and jumped off a bridge literally just for fun

✮ and they’ve done way more dumber things than that

✮ like this one time they both convinced the whole group to sneak into a house party where the cops ended up getting called and toby being the funny guy he thinks he is shouted out something along the lines “aww who invited these guys”. obviously that got the attention of the officers who noticed they were all high. basically that night consisted of a party and running away from cops chasing them.

✮ jane and natalie are basically a duo in the group

✮ eventually they’ll start talking to just each other and it’s usually about more drama natalie can’t keep to herself or they’re talking shit about nina or making fun of jeff

✮ they will definitely start sharing tmi details about their life with each other [as besties do]

✮ after a few hours most of them will get tired

✮ usually toby and natalie get tired around the same time and jane will end up going to her room since nat’s not there anymore

✮ so it’s just jeff and ben left

✮ thats when it starts to get deep

✮ i headcanon jeff and ben to be close friends so once it’s just them left thats when they feel comfortable enough to start getting into heavier topics

✮ i mean this is the one and only time jeff will ever show emotions and disclose information about him actually… like… caring?… about people. which is the strangest thing to hear coming from jeff considering how he puts on a cold and distant persona around people

✮ like he has opened up to ben about how grateful he feels to have him in his life and even toby and natalie too. he has opened up about how he really does enjoy being able to talk about his dumb theories with natalie and to actually know that she is truly listening knowing that she’s also into that stuff

✮ after knowing jeff for as long as he has it’s not strange hearing this from him but in the past he was SHOCKED i tell you. shocked. because it was just so unlike him

✮ but even after years of being jeff’s best friend it still shocked him to hear jeff admit to how he felt bad for what he did to jane even though she really does get on his nerves.

✮ but yea these guys will spill their guts when it’s just them

————————————————————————

a/n: that’s all i got. if you have any more ideas or suggestions dm me and i will consider adding them all to a part 2! if you want to see any other headcanons topics you can dm me those requests too because MY REQUESTS ARE OPENN!!!! also check out my jeff the killer hcs <3

have a great day and don’t forget to be nice 💕

[tarpitbell]

vvvery well then ill come off anon, feel free to block me as you see fit

i said it because even if we dont interact anymore, i hate seeing people get kicked when theyre down. i cant stand bullying and i cant stand condescending bullshit directed at people who dont deserve it. it wasnt a waste of time because any time a person is getting hurt and they dont deserve it, i step in. i dont care if it was my business or not. it wasnt a waste of time because you still deserve to be treated with respect.

ill say it as many times as i have to but you really dont deserve the hatred you receive. everyone in that server kept telling you that we never hated you but you kept believing we did to the point where it felt like you were making us out to be the bad guys. it was incredibly unhealthy on both sides. we hoped that if we just stayed moots with you on tumblr that itd be okay and that you could distance yourself as much as you needed to so that it wouldnt be so overwhelming.

i see that that probably wasnt really issue but possibly several other things. if you want to stop posting content related to alnst then so be it. thats your decision. we will dwell on you because youre an amazing person and there are many fond memories with you and your characters. if you dont want to participate in any of the fan seasons, including sona season, then we will make adjustments for you. whatever you want to do with your characters is completely up to you.

thank you for being a beautiful and wonderful being, and i hope that whatever you choose to do, you do it in good conscience. we dont want to push or annoy you any further than we might be doing (sorry, genuinely. i really do care about you tbf.) but we also just want you to be happy.

/gen, /lh, and /withlove.

- zen (papa, if youre still willing to call me that /nf)

It was you -!!! (Geno sans, CPAU comic dub voice) ((I knew itt.. you do stand up for others and are more vocal about being ..indunno but I guess yk inna way, just the way you typed it (sorry if that's ..weird/creepy), the way that you confront others and such .much braver ig, since you take action a lot))

Sorry for making it seem like I was making y'all the bad guys. Didn't mean to, and honestly shouldn't have done that- that was wrong of me from the start. Though, now I don't think I can remember- well. Given how it was like. Two months ago now? And I do forget a lot so- ...sorry for unfollowing as well (tho I know that no matter the amount of me saying sorry will ever fix things up since I avoid what happened/etc..)

I don't really think I can stop posting alnst/alnst oc content. I'm in too deep, in three gc (AREPH, Setup and Takedown, and then Toxic ysosu)— I have an Au (you probably know or maybe not; Sonic.exe like au, I'm mainly focusing on the hypothetical 3d game in the universe that happens in 2035, called Mor. I remember asking you for permission, but then again.. gah. Fucking sorry for putting onna invisible time limit to the question, as said- for almost everything I've done since I was in the series(what I call servers now) and out of it.... Though you did say we don't talk anymore, and so like. Yeah- haven't answered my question- tho ITS TOTALLY NORMAL! FINE! Just slightly weird?? That like. Just recently you came here to like. Ig cheer me up? When I was "kicked down even more". Tho it is .you. You did say that you can't stand what they have said to me and what/who they were referring to, which is interesting but I won't bother you with anything i have to say) — I still have a lot more to show (so many hidden characters and hidden lore) and post,, and I've been going back to writing like. Flor's lore, and getting some basic ideas down. Besides, I still can't stop thinking of the ocs and such.. as ..said..... I'm in too deep (was basically here from the start.. before s39 was even s39.....ah..kills the wall). And it's not leaving me anytime soon, since I always have thoughts- ideas and such. <- this is what 50+ OCS does to a person

I still have OCS, in the seasons. I still have OCS I want to work on and expand on.

Besides, Eddy and Sebastian have a very close bond. Flor, Oli, Dian, Faisal, and their other siblings are well. Siblings. Four of them don't belong to me. I have OCS in romantic relationships with others, and all of that. I can't just .. abandon it all honestly.

For the Sona Season, I think I'm like. Basically disqualified though? Before I did whatever I did, I kinda did ask to be in round1 so things can end faster for my sona. But then again. <- is a whiny person. <- impatience, which is wrong. <- generally a ""ugly"" one. So I just decided to do what I did in the server basically— and just leave the Garden & Stage thing. ..tbh I did do a song-comic, but I doubt you want to see anything I do now (NOT trying to make you see what I do. Waste of time. And again in the previous ask you sent you used past tance and so that practically means that we are thru, huh? Along with us not talking to each other besides those two asks you sent to this blog..along with the Seb song. But I don't think that you and the others don't want to touch anything made by me or are related to me! Which I totally get)

You all have NEVER annoyed me or pushed me, at all (only ever asked me for some small things, or actually nothing at all). IM the one who's annoyed and pushed you all (too many ideas, too many posts I've tagged as ocs- I've tagged y'all in, etc etc. basically at those times and still now, it's just me talking to a wall). It's.. stupid to apologize for what I've been doing the most.

Also don't .. apologize for caring actually. I don't know what to say, or have anything to say besides that.. still can't fucking believe that you are still. That you still allow me the chance to call you papa...stupid of me to have mentally clocked the community as a family(ish?only a few) to me. since it ended up with me being .not continuing that sentence. but yeah, really stupid of me to have you all as family when we ended up like this.which is unhealthy as you said! What type of friendship is like person A: your my friend! / Person B: (you are like a sibling to me. You are family.) ???? Certainly not a working healthy one. Because I became so very impulsive when .not finishing that either.

[queenburd]

okay okay here’s a rough outline for the hypothetical fic, like 3/4 developed, in an order that makes sense narratively. it’s kind of a mess, because it’s bits and pieces of what I’ve talked about on my blog, but in a Narrative structure.

-

If I had the mental capacity I would write a whole TSP fic that gets severely meta and Stanley and the Curator are the only ones in on just how meta it is

I definitely wanna preface that this thing isnt a completely 100 percent developed story, its like. 70 percent? idk. but my thinking, or hunch, is that this whole thing started because the Player came back and did a Real Person run. it’s been a long, LONG time since they showed up, so when Suddenly Stanley isnt responding the the Narrator, the fellow cant inhabit his model and is forced to be a voice that run (after a long time of the pair of them by themselves, doing what they like), it shakes them both up pretty badly.

so the Narrator decides that since he can inhabit a model, he’s getting Stanley to that escape pod to get the hell out of dodge.

alone.

the narrator is not planning on coming with him.

and this…. doesnt go over well.

So a big theme about this whole story is the fear of abandonment. The Narrator is terrified of it, 432 has experienced it, Stanley feels like that’s what the Narrator is doing to him with the whole Escape Pod thing. (Stanley may also have some. unprocessed feelings abt the collectibles ending and epilogue.)

and this is all the Narrator’s fault btw. he made a bad decision early in the fic out of fear so he and Stanley have been dealing with that the ENTIRE TIME.

When the Narrator makes the decision to “let Stanley go”, Stanley doesn’t take it well, and 432 projects onto him pretty strongly–it’s hard not to! There’s a lot of overlap. That, plus the fact that the wheel has to keep turning, spurs 432 into action. He acts out in what he thinks is mutual anger both he and Stanley feel towards the Narrator.

They’re doing it because he’s projecting onto Stanley big time, under the assumption the Narrator made this protagonist and is now going to throw him aside and make a new one. This falls in line too closely with their memories.

Memories including a Narrator who wanted to make a big story about mind control and choice and freedom. Who jumped headfirst into a project that he only half-completed, because he got lazy and didn’t want to put all the work in, so he dumbed his story down.

Memories of half-finished NPCs disappearing and changing halls and a protagonist, designed to solve a mystery, instead becoming paranoid and disappearing.

432 is a sympathetic….. antagonist. not a villain lmao but an opposing force to the narrator in the sense they find the narrator to be lazy and probably stupid.

The narrator even describes himself pre-Parable as a person who got lazy, and made a character to make decisions for him, because decisions are complicated and difficult. He made the bucket instead of rewriting the game. he made a bunch of gags in the hope it would be a story.

As for 432… well. I think the narrator had initially planned a more complicated true ending. NPCs, a more complex storyline to figure out the mystery of mind control, and an inquisitive protagonist designed in game to be allowed the mental freedom to question. Documents and lore abt 432 show he was an exception for the mind control experiment.

But the narrator was finding this story and the choices too unwieldy. Making all these 2dimensional npcs, outlining this complicated storyline, he found it was not what he wanted. It was hard. So he cut it down a lot.

But 432 was not designed for this much simpler environment. The inquisitiveness turned to paranoia. The self awareness turned to game awareness. He knew what his role was but he didn’t fit it anymore, not the way the narrator needed him to.

And then he disappeared.

Did the narrator erase him? Did he find his own way to slip into the code? Who can say? But the narrator’s memory of 432 is fuzzy at best, and he made a new protagonist, one much simpler. One who wouldn’t ask hard questions unless prompted. One who simply desired happiness.

And then, of course, like any good protagonist, Stanley changed.

432 is, sadly, a lil bit of a hypocrite, because they too don’t want to go through making an entirely new video game. that’s hard. but, it also has to be said that it was not their job to make a video game, it was their job to be the protagonist. It was their job to play the game, again, and again. Keep the wheel turning.

they make the door to the skip button disappear. they make the door to the steam reviews, that they know will drive the narrator mad. they are the time keeper, and time between skip presses increases and increases.

but they bring the parable back, as well as push it “forward”.

the narrator is prone to fixate, get stuck, and not progress, without a protagonist. 432 knows this. when Stanley is frozen in the Skip, the narrator keeps playing and playing and playing it all over in his head until he decides to try to make decisions for himself again. even then, he cannot do it. he wants to play one more time.

the wheel must keep turning.

In truth, Stanley wants freedom. The narrator want Stanley to be free, but he also wants to tell his story, and I don’t think he INTENDED Stanley to become self aware and aware of the multiple endings and restarts, etc etc. I think he expected Stanley to be like a normal game protagonist, wiped clean, and it should be easy because Stanley is supposed to be a simple character.

432 on their part wants to keep the game functioning. He, like Stanley, became aware of his role of protagonist, but unlike Stanley, 432 doesn’t want freedom. 432 wants the loops. Wants the eternity. They’re right, the game is not a sacred thing that needs to be frozen in time. They want to play AND change.

They honestly would be the ideal protagonist for the narrator if he hadn’t goofed it so bad. or if they didn’t want to antagonize him so bad.

432 at one point becomes the storyteller, forcing Stanley and the Narrator to do the story, only “new and improved” (and the worst part is the story 432 makes IS more compelling than the narrator’s and it’s upsetting!!!)

I want to emphasize that 432 does not at any point harm a single character and is actually quite chill even as the antagonist. they LIKE stanley, and want to be friends with Stanley, even if there’s a lil bit of envy. it’s not Stanley’s fault they’re in this mess anyway.

they tell a compelling story about mind control, choices, abandonment and power grabbing. the story this parable SHOULD have been from the start.

they spend a lot of the time just telling Stanley a fun story about mind control and stuff (just to rub it in the Narrators face

and all the while they tell Stanley, just make whatever decision feels right. we’ll have fun with it. there’s always something new to learn.

they dont do anything to physically hurt the pair of them, but they consistently question Stanley’s choice to support the narrator after everything, and eventually he and Stanley make a bet that in a moment of high pressure the Narrator will/will not be able to make a decision. and if 432 wins they get to use Stanley’s model for a run.

and then they sabotage the choice to make the narrator so cripplingly scared of his choices that they win.

when 432 snags the model, he doesnt impersonate Stanley–he’s more interested in using Stanley’s face to taunt the narrator.

432 while in Stanley’s body (and Stanley has been made into a consciousness that’s just stuck in the museum for a run) just consistently makes the Narrator doubt that Stanley could ever really properly care about him, because the Narrator is a bad person, who can’t even make a choice when everything depends on it, and gosh, he really thinks Stanley could love him after everything?

the Narrator wont even let him leave the parable, despite having a body and being able to leave now! does he really think Stanley’s going to want to be with him forever?

no. they need to get back to the story. tell the story with me, narrator. this is all you’re good for.

so let’s just generally say that 432 gets to have a run in Stanley’s body more than once, and DOES give it back and only takes it when it’s been discussed beforehand (like the bet)

432 starts breaking Stanleys model pretty entirely unintentionally until the narrator desperately reminds them that they swore they wouldn’t hurt Stanley. They choose to end that run and their round with Stanleys body.

also there might have been a run where 432 puts the narrator through the skip button again. idk

So the Skip button is the most visceral example of this concept. (A theory is that 432 is the one that made the time between skips get longer and took the door away.) They’re doing this for catharsis. They’re doing it to emphasize this is how it feels.

it wouldn’t be a 1:1 experience of how we or Stanley experience the Skip button. The Narrator wouldn’t have the same rants, or the same reactions. his deterioration would be obvious through clothing, physical tics, stuff like that.

432 is immovable. At least until the reset, and Stanley is NOT HAPPY.

anyway when Stanley is booted out of the model entirely he doesn’t take it too well! it’s not a nice time being alone in the settings! but the curator, being able to see the entirety of the story and seeing this has gone WILDLY OFF TRACK, pulls his code out of the void and makes a copy of his model that she drops into the museum. it’s…. like it’s BETTER but it’s not GOOD. he’s pretty panicked about everything tbf.

uncertain as to if the Skip happens while he is in the Museum with the Curator, interacting with the comments, or if those happen the same run. the answer would change the specifics of how the run functions.

if he’s in the museum, than Stanley is aware of it. The Curator tells him it’s happening. for them, time moves the same way it would for the player, not for the Narrator.

If he’s dealing with the comments, then he’s probably on some level aware of it and is trying to prepare for the worst and the resolution. time passes for him equivalent to how it would pass for us the readers (like, update schedule wise. if it take a week for a new chapter, then he’d experience a week in the comments. only he wouldn’t have a full awareness of the time, bc that’s not really a thing in the void he’s working in.)

either way, he doesn’t have the power to stop it.

The Curator’s job is to oversee the Museum, and she knows the truth of the game, and the meta aspects. As the fic nears its climactic point, she’s the one who reveals this all to Stanley-

Diegetically, the narrator “created” the parable, the story, Stanley, 432, the skip button, etc etc. he’s a godlike entity who made a video game for the sake of art. He has full control of the parable, save for certain key moments.

Nondiegetically, a video game company named CrowsCrowsCrows made the video game called the Stanley parable, and hired kevan brighting to voice a character. The video game company developed every aspect and asset. The narrator is nothing more than a character.

And yet, diegetically, this is acknowledged in several places in story. The most obvious aspect is the Museum ending, though the Confusion ending is also a pretty big one. The new “bottom of the mind control facility” ending also acknowledges these developers who had to resolve the bug.

The clash between diegetic and non diegetic, the insertion of non diegetic into the diegetic, is one of the most beloved points of the game, since from its immediate loadin, the narrator (an aspect that is nondiegetic in most other stories that have one) is inserted into his own story. He’s breaking his own “in-story” consistency.

So you have a story within a story within a story. The narrators story/video game he is telling and trying to make, the story of the narrator clashing with Stanley/the player, and then the real world application of CrowsCrowsCrows making this video game abt all of it.

How fucking confusing is that? Me just trying to explain all of this as simply as possible. That’s why it’s been so hard to figure out how to talk about it. But all of this has to be covered for this next part to really make sense.

Because I’ve talked about how I think the implication is the narrator made 432 but then changed his story and 432 didn’t fit anymore, and this led to 432’s disappearance and their own condescension of him.

Memories which are, unfortunately, false. Because in the end, all of them are just a fiction. All of them are simply in a game made by Crows Crows Crows.

But by the time this finally gets out, 432’s sunk way too much anger and hurt into this. Doesn’t really feel like they can go back and still feels secondary. So they don’t intend to stop.

That they’re all just in someone else’s story, and always have been. Even she and the Narrator are not above Stanley, and never have been. She’s always protected that truth, and she only ever makes sure its assets stay safe–which is why when Stanley gets booted out of his model, she intervenes.

she sympathizes with all of them, but she doesn’t (can’t?) intervene, so she just watches and hopes.

and that one of these runs, Stanley would get to have a go at talking to the comments section of the fic. which would be integral to the climax and resolution of the fic.

me thinkin abt fic every night like '432 would be an incredible antagonist to write all they want is to show the narrator that they shouldnt have been left to the wayside so they go out of their way to prove they can make a better story than he can all while being not actually hostile but just an opposing force that makes stanley and the narrator doubt themselves and each other and at the end of the day 432's frustration is that they dont get to be a protagonist people know or care about and then of course the entire fic itself would get super meta because the curator would reveal the full meta narrative to stanley and then any fanfic comments and reactions would be something that he finds a way to share with 432 because 432 IS LOVED BY THE DANG WEBSITE' I am a massive sap every day of my life.

I think my own stubbornness is shouting “there has to be another option. there’s always another way” to the idea that the only way to beat the game is to not play. i think my brain keeps going back to the idea that the game is meant to be loved by its audience, because in its self awareness, if it can know it’s a loved thing, it knows it can be changed.

“to be loved is to be changed” “transformative nature of love” listen. Listen.

432, in the climax of the fic, learns about the audience/comments or the fic and realizes how absolutely adored they are and that they aren’t alone. They’re seen. And that is what they wanted and how they make peace and get closure.

Which would lead to them helping stanley and the narrator in their escape while making sure the parable still runs, because it has to

With the implication that they would do the story with the help of the audience from then on

Stanley and the Narrator escape the Parable after making arrangements with 432, who takes Stanley’s place as protagonist so the wheel can keep turning, and has the narrator tapes, but like I dont know how satisfied i am with that cos 432 by themself makes me sad but the curator does not want to narrate the whole game

but anyway 432 uses a Stanley model but tweaks it only a little

(you made it to the bottom of this post! Good Job, you did it! Good Job, you did it!)

[corpses-cant-say-no]

(cringe vent lol

i am so sick of living and breathing and feeling bad all the fucking time for no reason even if there’s nothing wrong, i’m sick of running and hiding (hypothetically) when someone raises their voice bc i can’t take it and it makes me shut down for days at a time, i’m sick of being surrounded by people and still somehow being all by myself somehow, i just want to die and i can’t fix it because i can’t communicate it but i feel like something is missing inside of me, i can’t cry or feel strong emotions other than fear and dread and i’m also sick of that like what the fuck i wish i was dead i don’t want to be here anymore i’m sad but it’s nowhere strong enough to cry about even though my body is desperately trying to have a physical reaction and i’m so tired of having a life i just want to rot away and get worse but i cant because i have things to do that are pointless that i’m forced to do i’m forced to try and get better because if i don’t then everyone’s life is a living hell, and now that i am getting better my life is still shit but at least i don’t affect other people as much whatever i don’t give a fuck i don’t care about anything, i don’t have the power or strength to care about what happens to me, but i’m still scared of it, and i just think that’s annoying. i hope i die soon becahse if i have to live anymore i will not be able to take it FUCK this this is so retarded i don’t know what i did to whatever god out there to deserve this but i get it , i’m just not having a good time anymore, i’m sick, i’m so sick, and i just want to not exist. i’m sick of being led onto thinking that i have someone there that i can talk to about anything bc it just isn’t worth talking to anyone because i always have to catch my words to save someone’s feelings or whatever so whatever i guess i only thjnk about myself whatever i don’t care lol sorry if i sound like a angsty teenager writing this but jesus christ i’m sick of it

[apparentlyteodora]

rant. whenever i talk to any fan - here on tumblr and outside it - about paul mccartney and they say hes theirs or something and not mine instead of like respecting me and like cheering me up for it i often feel like he would never want to be my boyfriend/husband hypothetically cause of my body (im fat) and even my personality,, i mean obviously imma be sort of selfish and want everyone to like "ship" me with him and stuff like that cause i have my reasons that are on a deep personal lvl (ive never been in a relationship and i have no irl friends so im all alone ever since i was a 5 year old when my fav person - my grandma - died and hes the only reason why im still alive atp) and tbh having to see those comments - jokes or not - i cant stop taking them deep into my heart and feeling more depressed until the point my overthinking literally worsens and i get tons of anxiety meltdowns etc etc.

my internet bff, despite not being in the beatles/paul mccartney community, keeps cheering me up about thaul (paul and me) every time i talk to her about him and imagine myself as his love and im glad shes at least the only person who understands the pain i always go through every time i see others shipping each other with him and some of them just joking about how that guy's theirs and not that persons' etc. like idek what to say anymore rn i might as well just suffer until i completely lose myself and find my way out of this world somehow 🤷🏻‍♀️

by the way if i see anyone hating on me for this (judging me by this rant while not fully getting to know me or while not knowing me at all) then pls either leave me alone cause im not trynna start a war over my own emotions or get blocked.

[pesterloglog]

Roxy Lalonde, Meenah Peixes, Jake English, Dirk Strider

Page 484

ROXY: jakey jakey eggs an bakey

MEENAH: tally ho bitch

ROXY: oh hell nah

MEENAH: and is the lil skull monster swimwhere in the back there hi skull monster

ROXY: i know u know their name!!

JAKE: Mamma mia rox!! I dont know what the argy-bargy is between the two of you but youve got to start picking up your phone!

MEENAH: wait fuuuuck mom of mia that was it i forgot the name of the shit until just now

MEENAH: jake kingfish here was just talkin about how ur still mad at me about that party

ROXY: oh my god dont start with this shit again

MEENAH: i just think u were bein a little juvenisle about how it all went down

ROXY: oh so u think now?

JAKE: Roxy this is important! Janes ready to send you to abrahams bosom over this Plot Point hoopla!

ROXY: whaa? she knows?

MEENAH: your shits been compromised you probably got goons surrounding your whole operation watchin your every move

MEENAH: couldnt be me

ROXY: :o

ROXY: ykw i can deal with underlings no problem

MEENAH: but if it comes to it can you deal with batterbitch 2.0 hershellf? what will you do when you and everyone you know are corallateral damage in her wake

ROXY: i...

MEENAH: what suddenly youre not too busy playin house and bein indecisive to care about the rest of the worlds problems

ROXY: janey cant be that far gone right?

JAKE: Janes been that far gone for a dogs age. If we let her get to The Point itll be curtains for everything the revolution has been working towards.

ROXY: what does she even want with it

MEENAH: idk but hypothetically speaking if i was posted up in my big mean bitch pants just gettin my empress on and you told me insturgeonts were tryin to shore up on some kinda mythic skaian artifact

MEENAH: id swipe that shit for myshellf

MEENAH: and then say it was all my idea in the first place so nobody could argue against kissing my ass forever

MEENAH: so just as a frondly warning figure trout whatever sea-beef you got with me finternally

DIRK: (Sea-beef? Dude, these are barely even puns anymore.)

MEENAH: otherwise? we all drown together

ROXY: i rly hope it doesnt come to that

MEENAH: you can hope all you want

MEENAH: but no matter what whoever takes credit for this comes out on top

MEENAH: and sometimes living isnt enough, people like your "janey" have to win

JAKE: Ah fuck.

[atiny-piratequeen]

I feel bullied and upset because everyone says im boring because I only bottom and dont feel confident or genuine if I try to take charge. It feels so shitty to be treated like Im inferior just because I dont have the drive to top one of my biases or that I enjoy what I enjoy. Wouldn’t the real problem be pushing myself or allowing someone else to force me into doing something Im not comfortable with or acting fake and not being true to myself? Why is it even here on every blog I see everyone “bottom only couldn’t be me” or talking about how boring it is or that people feel bad for someone who only bottoms like what is so wrong about this? Between those comments and the hate I get for not being someone who would not “peg that man into the ground” Im so tempted to leave kpop it hurts every time I see one of the writers I look up too shit on people or joke about bottoms and the twitter fandoms are even worse

Tbh the bottom only kpop stans are the majority. Im not gonna sit here and lie to you and say i havent made joking comments in passing bc top only stans are in vast minority and switch folks will be switch folks.

The only thing i can say is if someones being truly malicious about it, its time for you to block them. You curate your own Fandom and internet spaces and if someones repeated comments are making you feel bad or self consious, its time to cut ties with them. Theres nothing wrong with your preferences and if you prefer to be a bottom thats fine. Theres absolutely nothing wrong with you, just like theres nothing wrong with switch stans. Or top stans. Your preference is your own and that's not something you should let anyone change for you.

You cant and shouldn't stop people from telling jokes about preferences but if they're coming at you specifically or you feel indirectly targeted, you draw your boundaries and block people. That's just how it needs to be if its something affecting you so much you can't enjoy things anymore.

At the end of the day none of us are actually fucking any of these idols (the amount of ndas that need to be signed means a mf who WAS wouldnt say shit anyway) so really none of this needs to be taken so seriously to the point that its making another person feel bad for their preferences in hypothetical situations anyway

[stars-and-guts]

genuinely dont know if ive reblogged this before im sure i have my blog is slowly falling apart

(ADDING ON TO THIS)

my ways of finding a specific post from random screenshots i have, theres so many and whenever i feel like i cant find a post its usually because ive forgotten a method:

IF YOU KNOW THE USERNAME / URL OF THE POST, LISTEN UP (IF YOU DONT, KEEP SCROLLING)

IF YOU KNOW SPECIFIC TAGS THAT OP HAS, LISTEN UP

if its a commentary tag that you dont think they have on another post such as a keysmash (#ASGDKSGKSD) or a whole ass sentence (#this tutorial from sus-panicattac sucks ass dude), look for posts tagged that on the blog, the blog custom url, and/or the archive

narrow down by any mistyped tags or uncommon looking tags

go into the archive, filter to around the time you found the post + older, and narrow down by tags or what type of post it is

IF POST HAS A DECENT AMOUNT OF WORDS, LISTEN UP

this only works half the time but just look up little chunks of the post in search eg. ("Character a: i fell off the fucking building!!!"). if it doesnt show up after searching a few different chunks, stop and try something new

IF YOU DONT KNOW / CANT FIND OP, LISTEN UP

IF YOU KNOW ANY SPECIFIC TAGS, LISTEN UP

1. tags are gods greatest soldier. look up unusual looking or commentary type tags on tumblr itself. THIS ONLY WORKS IF THE POST HAS A SPECIFIC COMBO OF TAGS OR REALLY UNIQUE TAGS. tumblr can find your post if its tagged something like (#my oc held hands with your mom this morning inside the freezer of my basement), but not if its tagged something like (#oc, #mom, #basement)

IF POST HAS A DECENT AMOUNT OF WORDS, LISTEN UP

look up words in little chunks using quotation marks in tumblr itself. ("and she fucked off happily into the sunrise with my girl scout toffee-tastic cookies"), make sure to use a more unique sentence.

some chunks will pull up posts that have nothing to do with what youre looking for, especially any chunks that have words commonly used in fanfic

IF YOU CANT FIND YOUR POST WITHIN TUMBLR, LISTEN UP

take a chunk and google it with quotation marks and mention tumblr. ("suddenly my amazing post straight out of khaenri'ah turned into a fucking egg" tumblr). this is good if youre sure the op has deactivated / moved urls because this will find reblogs of the post on different blogs, especially ones with custom urls

sometimes this will only get you results from those weird tumblr copies that no one talks about like fucking tumbig or whatever its called- ignore that

at the end of the day some posts you just cant find anymore, usually posts from deactivated blogs that didnt end up getting much attention or posts where you only have the image itself and nothing about the op or actual post

for the sake of if someone is like omg i gotta find this tutorial again (im fucking delusional no one is going to see this) i will tag this post with all the hypothetical tags that i spit out of my ass as an example

how to find literally any post on a blog in seconds (on desktop)

there are so many posts about ~tumblr is so broken, you can’t find any post on your own blog, it’s impossible, bluhrblub~

I am here to tell you otherwise! it is in fact INCREDIBLY easy to find a post on a blog if you’re on desktop/browser and you know what you’re doing:

url.tumblr.com/tagged/croissant will bring up EVERY post on the blog tagged with the specific and exact phrase #croissant. every single post, every single time. in chronological order starting with the most recent post. note: it will not find #croissants or that time you made the typo #croidnssants. for a tag with multiple words, it’s just /tagged/my-croissant and it will show you everything with the exact phrase #my croissant

url.tumblr.com/tagged/croissant/chrono will bring up EVERY post on the blog tagged with the exact phrase #croissant, but it will show them in reverse order with the oldest first 

url.tumblr.com/search/croissant isn’t as perfect at finding everything, but it’s generally loads better than the search on mobile. it will find a good array of posts that have the word croissant in them somewhere. could be in the body of the post (op captioned it “look at my croissant”) or in the tags (#man I want a croissant). it won’t necessarily find EVERYTHING like /tagged/ does, but I find it’s still more reliable than search on mobile. you can sometimes even find posts by a specific user by searching their url. also, unlike whatever random assortment tumblr mobile pulls up, it will still show them in a more logically chronological order

url.tumblr.com/day/2020/11/05 will show you every post on the blog from november 5th, 2020, in case you’re taking a break from croissants to look for destiel election memes 

url.tumblr.com/archive/ is search paradise. easily go to a particular month and see all posts as thumbnails! search by post type! search by tags but as thumbnails now

url.tumblr.com/archive/filter-by/audio will show you every audio post on your blog (you can also filter by other post types). sometimes a little imperfect if you’re looking for a video when the op embedded the video in a text post instead of posting as a video post, etc

url.tumblr.com/archive/tagged/croissant will show you EVERY post on the blog tagged with the specific and exact phrase #croissant, but it will show you them in the archive thumbnail view divided by months. very useful if you’re looking for a specific picture of a croissant that was reblogged 6 months ago and want to be able to scan for it quickly 

url.tumblr.com/archive/filter-by/audio/tagged/croissant will show you every audio post tagged with the specific phrase #croissant (you can also filter by photo or text instead, because I don’t know why you have audio posts tagged croissant) 

the tag system on desktop tumblr is GENUINELY amazing for searching within a specific blog! 

caveat: this assumes a person HAS a desktop theme (or “custom theme”) enabled. a “custom theme” is url.tumblr.com, as opposed to tumblr.com/url. I’ve heard you have to opt-into the former now, when it used to be the default, so not everyone HAS a custom theme where you can use all those neat url tricks. 

if the person doesn’t have a “custom theme” enabled, you’re beholden to the search bar. still, I’ve found the search bar on tumblr.com/url is WAY more reliable than search on mobile. for starters, it tends to bring posts up in a sensible order, instead of dredging up random posts from 2013 before anything else

if you’re on mobile, I’m sorry. godspeed and good luck finding anything. (my one tip is that if you’re able to click ON a tag rather than go through the search bar, you’ll have better luck. if your mutual has recently reblogged a post tagged #croissant, you can click #croissant and it’ll bring up everything tagged #croissant just like /tagged/croissant. but if there’s no readily available tag to click on, you have to rely on the mobile search bar and its weird bizarre whims) 

[kodiescove]

I am not sure why token transit has a rule that while you can buy multiple bus passes on one account, an account can only be attached to one phone, and you need internet access in order to actually USE said bus pass, but it annoys the shit out of me.

So. I can buy more than one pass with my account, but I can't use more than one phone for my account even though it would be to buy multiple people passes?

And with the internet thing.... My city doesn't allow you to buy day passes on the bus anymore.... The only way to buy a day pass is to either buy it off token transit, or buy it at the bus station.... So I cannot use your service at, say, a public source of wifi, and then use that day pass that I'll need to take multiple buses to get to my appointments, because (hypothetically) I do not have a phone plan that has data/unlimited data, and my cities buses do not offer free wifi? So, I need to pay $2 extra in order to buy a day pass, if I have an appointment/obligation that happens at a time that allows me to travel downtown to the bus station(assuming it only takes me one bus to get downtown), literally the only other way to buy a day pass except for with the token transit app, because you haven't programed your app, which uses QR codes for the passes btw, to work without WiFi/data and the metro system has decided to stop providing day passes on the buses?

Also.... I think it's 100% bull shit they stopped providing day passes on the buses, and are forcing us to use the app or go to the bus station to buy them. They are forcing people who cant afford a phone that can do the things required to use the app, or otherwise have access to a bank account to use the app, to pay more in order to use the bus when they are in situations they need a day pass for. What if an unhoused person needs to get to an appointment that takes more than two buses in travel, and they do not have enough to get to travel to get the bus pass, and then go to their appointment, and then come back to where they've been stayin What if that barrier is the reason they can't get permanent housing?

These are decisions that I genuinely believe were either made to deliberately fuck the lease privileged of us over, or without them in mind at all. Because a simple moment to think "what if someone literally only has $5 to their name, in cash, and needs to take the bus?" Would reveal that at the minimum, day passes should not be removed from the buses. That it's a shit idea that fucks over the most vulnerable of us who use the bus system.

[estoysugoi]

Since this account is “dead” im vomiting some spicy brain stuff here (deleting later):

I feel fucking boarderline fucking devastated i havent seen my friends in WEEKS, im afraid to reach out bc i feel like i did smth wrong or im not being a good friend but if i ask if that’s the case i risk making things awkward and/or upsetting them somehow and i dont want that and my brain is being spicy with bad thoughts and im constantly digging my finger into myself for not meeting my expectations as an artist AND a full grown ass adult there’s so many things i need but i feel overwhelmed about what to do and asking people i know for help feels like im burdening them and taking valuable time out of their busy schedules and they may not even be able to help me in the first place, which is one of the reasons why i barely ask my dad for help since he’s always busy and the rest of my immediate family either have their plates full or can’t actually help me for whatever reasonable reason so i need to learn how to do things myself i just dont know where to start or what resources to refer to. We live in an age where information is act ur fingertips and I STILL cant push myself to look for a simple tutorial i dont know whats wrong with me my brain is fucked up and im worried that i have some kind of executive dysfunction i dont know how to go about it outside of just setting good habits, like how we develop hygienic rituals everyday, i just need to put in the effort to build some kind of well planned schedule or something maybe then i can get a fucking grip at improving my life let alone my skills as an artist i keep taking so fucking long to do what feels like mediocre work and i want to improve so bad but for some reason i do all this thinking and imagining and planning ideas out but my body can never move something’s wrong with me and i dont know what to do i sometimes get scared if im not bottleing up anger towards myself as i just sit there and vegetate im just so tired of being tired and not doing anything worthwhile with my life i just want to be better i want to feel better and i just need to do better i dont know i just dont know how else to go about it aside from vomiting words like this there needs to be some kind of outlet for all this noise its almost like gossip through old walls with peeling wallpaper and i hate it i hate that i keep imagining the worst situations like im trying to prepare to feel ready and making plans for what i could do in hypothetical stressful situations. I think that’s just a by-product mechanism i developed after losing my mom suddenly, i kept thinking that she would be ok and come back from the hospital but things just got worse and more machines and tubes and wires filled her hospital bed until she couldnt take it anymore one day. There have been days where i could even feel what she experienced while being trapped like that its terrifying and im scared to think about it even if it comes from a habit of trying to understand others by placing myself in their feet and dont get me started what i imagined what my dad went through and my brother and my mom’s sisters and brothers and her mother i dont know how things didnt get worse than they did. Ok maybe things still turned sour but i guess thinking it could’ve been worse is just me excusing the circumstances that a part of me feel did me wrong like some kind of injustice i didnt deserve to go through all that and neither did my family. But i think whats worse was the divide that formed im part to blame for that but i dont know how to connect with people that are like 40 years older than me i dont know their past that well and they dont want to burden me with their pasts so im just left to pick up hints and pieces. But how can i find the help i need when im still overcome with an old desire im trying to let die finding a romantic happily ever after was never in the cards for me to begin with im not conventionally attractive enough for my type to be attracted to me nor am i in a good place to be dating or risking my heart to get broken again i just dont think i can bear that pain of loss in another form i fear it woul break me so now im-