#hwan hyunjin fic | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

chimivx · 6 months ago

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TASTE. -> 'Haven' from the POV of Hyunjin. (Part Four of Six)

summary: All of the truth comes out. Hyunjin makes sure of it.

word count: 9k

warnings: 18+, infidelity themes all throughout, toxic friendships/relationships, sexual content, alcohol abuse, struggles with mental health themes, cursing, if I missed anything PLEASE LET ME KNOW!

a/n: This is long overdue. <3

I had barely eaten anything in two days.

My stomach, empty, full of a sickness I couldn’t shake, sunk any time Jade came near me or opened her mouth. Felix lived in the back of my mind until this Sunday morning, where Jade caught me in the kitchen trying to force down a cup of black coffee. Thursday night had turned out to be a night I would never forget. The first time Felix kissed me, the first time someone genuinely seemed to care about the loss of my mother, the first time anyone could actually see me.

It had been the best night that I’ve had in a long time. The type of night where I didn’t feel the need to drown myself in whatever liquor they had behind the bar at Haven.

As Jade approached me quietly in a pair of grey sweatpants with her damp hair that she was drying with a towel hanging at her shoulders, I felt that need. The sight of her knowing lips scrunched sideways on her face tried to persuade me to dive into the cabinet by my knees, grabbing a bottle or two by the neck, and downing them to numb myself from whatever she was about to say.

Post-shower, she was glowing. No makeup on, sweats, hair disheveled and stringy from the water… She was always gorgeous, and she forever will be. No matter what.

Since our conversation, if one would call it that, in the garage on Thursday, the two of us had barely spoken. She worked both Friday and Saturday, while I hung around the apartment, wallowing in my nerves and the occasional shot of liquor to get rid of the thoughts.

We were better apart, and I wondered if these two days had proved that to her as well, because whenever she came back home we were walking on eggshells. Afraid to speak, afraid to say anything that would trigger another barking match.

With her propping herself against the counter across from me, I was unsure of anything that was about to ensue.

Jade, who had looked at me twice, tossed the towel on top of a counter and folded her hands in front of her. I trained my eyes to stay on the steamy coffee in my mug, counting the tiny little bubbles that lived along the edges of the ceramic.

The air was tight, and getting tighter, but I wasn’t sure if that was just me. My nervous system was beginning to strangle me from the inside out, my joints tightening the longer she stood in front of me without saying a word.

Flickering my eyes up to hers, I watched with bated breath as she parted her lips, her voice coming out soft, and gentle, and genuine.

“Can we talk about what happened between us on Thursday, I just-”

“Felix kissed me.”

The words slipped out of me in a whisper. A whisper that didn’t have much effect over her being. Maintaining her tedious expression, she only gave her head a small nod, lips still parted from where her almost question was cut off. She didn’t move much else.

“I kissed Felix.” I added, knowing that it wasn’t just the blonde Aussie’s fault. “We kissed. At Haven.”

She didn’t move.

In the past when I had told her about the other girls, had told her word for word everything we had done, what I had said to them, what they had said to me, where it happened, every detail- her eyebrows would squish together, and her lips would pout. The color in her face would drain, she’d appear sick to her stomach. Her energy would withdraw completely, and she’d close up within herself.

This time, she didn’t move.

She knew.

“I heard,” she said.

“From who?” I whispered, my voice growing shakier by the second.

Jade pulled her lips into a line. “Minho.”

Right, the witness. I knew that.

When had they spoken about it? Did they talk right after it had happened? Did Jade show up to Haven to see him after her shift at work? She didn’t get home until pretty late that night. Did Minho go to the restaurant instead? A place where they’d be safe from all prying eyes. I know they both had gotten off pretty late, maybe they had gone to his place, and he had told her there, and maybe they had…

Jade’s hands were on my shoulders after they had taken the mug from me and put it on the counter top. Her sweet face was a blur to me as tears pooled in my eyes and a sob lodged in my throat. I couldn’t make out anything she was saying to me, all I could hear was the pounding of my heart in my ears and the release of my quick breaths that I sucked in even faster.

I wasn’t sure when she got me to sit down in one of the chairs at our table, but she did. Sitting on my lap she took my face in her hands and kissed the tip of my nose gently, dragging her thumbs over the apples of my cheeks while she waited for me to calm down. She didn’t say much, not that I could hear. She just waited. She watched.

“Jade,” I gasped, blinking through the tears. Raising my hands I tried to reach for hers, and she took them in an instant. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

“Shhh, stop,” she mumbled. “Take a breath, then talk to me.”

Air filled my lungs only halfway. It hurt to take it any further. “Jade… I don’t know… I don’t know why I do this.”

She frowned. “Do what, Jinnie?”

A gasp ran through me before I muttered, “Hurt you. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I am the way I am, I put you through hell, day after day, you don’t deserve any of it, Jade, you don’t deserve it.” She wiped tears from my cheek and shook her head.

“It’s okay,” she whispered. “I love you, Jinnie, I do. I want you to get better, I want to help you. Let me help you.” She kissed the tip of my nose again before they pressed to my forehead.

Even with her in front of me, on my lap, comforting me through the panic, I still wished it were him.

“I don’t think you can,” I said, hushed and shaky, meeting her disappointed gaze. “I really, really wish you could. But, I don’t… I don’t think you can, Jade.”

“So, what, Felix is gonna do that?” The name sent a shock through my heart. Her tone switched into something not angry, but entirely mad.

“God, Felix, no, I’m not- I won’t use him for that,” I groaned. “I-”

“Use him?”

“You know what I mean!” It was my turn to raise my voice. Just when I thought this was going to go well.

“Okay, okay,” Jade soothed to my surprise, giving my hands a squeeze. Maybe this will finish smoothly. Her eyes were still swimming with hope, looking at me like I was her everything. It hurt.

“I just, I feel so confused,” I whispered. Lowering her brows, she questioned me with a tilt of her head. “How are you still here?”

Now her eyes were wild. “What the fuck do you mean?”

“Minho, Jade.” My tone turned vile. “I’m talking about Minho.”

She gulped. I watched her physically react to his name, much like I reacted to Felix’s. “What… What about him?”

Licking my lips, I shook my head as more tears welled up in my eyes. “I think you like him,” I forced out of my mouth for the first time.

“Jinnie,” she sighed, exasperated. She let go of my hands and cupped my cheeks once more, touching the tip of her nose to mine. “I like you, I love you.” Her eyes fluttered shut. “Minho is a friend, that’s it. I don’t like him, I don’t want him. He is just a friend.” She backed away and looked down at me with an unconvincing smile. “I’m sorry if I did anything to make you question my loyalty. He’s a friend, that’s it. I love you. I love you so much.”

Her words went in one ear and out the other. The more she added on, the more sap she piled on top almost made me wish she had just admitted it.

Thinning my lips into a line, I shook my head. “Why are you still with me?”

She hesitated. “Because I love you.”

“There’s gotta be more, that’s not enough,” I choked. “I don’t… I don’t believe you.”

“Do you remember the first time we met?” Jade asked, narrowing her eyes. I nodded. I remember it all, I could recite it word for word. It was about a month before I met Felix. “I walked into Haven with Chan, thinking I would drink myself silly, or find a meaningless hook up. Instead I found you.” She paused for a second to take in my expression that didn’t change.

“Yeah,” I muttered, giving her very little to go off of.

One of her hands ran through my hair, twisting the ends around a finger. “You seemed so cool, so funny. We were laughing, even Chan was having fun. We fed off of each other, our energy… I was hooked from day one, Jinnie.” She sighed, then gave the skin of my cheek a squeeze. “Plus, who can resist this face.”

Not many, I wanted to say, but I kept it to myself. I’m not even sure she realized what she was saying.

“You’re so beautiful, Jinnie,” she whispered. “It drives me crazy.” Typical.

“That’s why you’re still with me, because I’m beautiful,” I said. “That’s cute.”

Jade frowned. “Jinnie, I’m-”

“I know,” I closed my eyes. “You love me.” I listened to her take a deep breath. “Jade,” I opened my eyes and looked up at her. “I love you too, but this is actually driving me crazy. How are you not as exhausted as me?”

She opened her mouth twice to speak, but nothing came out. She simply shook her head.

“Just say it, you like him.”

She groaned. “I don’t.”

“Don’t lie to my face, I’m always honest with you, you can tell me,” I said. My eyes narrowed, studying the way she moved. “You like Minho.”

“And you like Felix,” she said.

“I do,” I nodded, and she scoffed. “Your turn, admit it.”

She jumped off of me and flipped her hair over her shoulder. “You’re unbelievable.” Lifting my hands out at my sides, I so badly wanted to crumble into pieces at her feet, but she was lying to me.

I wasn’t going to let her see me this vulnerable again, not until she admitted it.

“I’m honest,” I shouted after her as she stormed away to the bedroom.

One of her manicured hands gripped the corner of the wall as she pulled herself back to shout back at me. “You certainly aren’t loyal.”

Felix’s hands clamped to my waist, his fingers gripping my shirt as if to keep him on his feet. His big brown eyes were half closed, relaxed while his body swayed to the beat of the music pouring out of the speakers over top of us. The dance floor, crowded with bodies of humans who shot us occasional glances, had never been this packed. At least not that I’ve ever experienced.

Holding Felix up, my arms around his back, I shrugged off the glares, trying to not even give anyone else the time of day. Felix was hanging on to me, drunker than I’d ever seen him, my attention was his, I had to keep him safe, that was the priority of the night.

That, and catching Jade in a lie.

It was almost two weeks ago now that she refused to admit her true feelings. True feelings every single one of us knew that she had. After our spat in the kitchen, after I’d broken down to her and finally admitted it all, she still wouldn’t give in.

For a week, she tried to keep things normal, she’d ask me about work, ask me if I’d be around. She invited me to Haven when she’d go, and she told me her work schedule for the week. It was as normal as the last few weeks have been. As normal as we seemed to be recently. Though she came home later, and a few nights wouldn’t come home at all.

By the time the second week came around I knew it was over. It had to be over. Spending most of my time either at work or with Felix, the two of us just spending time together, I barely saw or heard from her. At some point in the middle I’d gone three whole days without seeing her. Felix was able to come around the apartment and I didn’t have to stress about her coming home to find him there.

We spent a lot of time talking the past two weeks, Felix and I. He told me more about his family, and he heard a helluva lot about Jade. Makes me wonder if that’s why he was so attached to me at the moment, not caring that everyone we knew was in the same room. Not caring that I came with Jade tonight, I drove us here. The ride was suffocating, entirely silent and awkward, Jade applying that mauve lipstick in the side mirror the moment we pulled into the lot.

Felix had come with Changbin, the two arriving after their day at work, Felix still wearing a pale blue button down and a pair of dark denim jeans. A silver chain peeked out of the collar, and now that his chest was pressed to mine it glimmered over his heart, the top three buttons of his shirt somehow coming undone in the last couple of hours.

His blonde hair was unruly, nothing like it had been when he’d gotten here, drunk Felix messed it all up. I’m not sure sober Felix would approve of drunk Felix’s doings, considering he hasn’t made another move on me since we shared a kiss some time ago and here he was gyrating his hips into mine.

There wasn’t an ounce of my being that was bothered by it, I mean, the hottest guy I’d ever met was throwing himself at me, his hands dragging all over my body, his half conscious self dancing against me like he wanted me naked, and my relationship that wasn’t even a relationship hasn’t been a relationship in weeks. She had stopped giving me anything. It was over. It had to be.

“Are you having fun?” Felix asked me, pulling me out of my thoughts. Even in his state he was able to clock me. His hands slid up my back, his chest laying flush to mine.

Nodding, I blinked and looked down at him with a small smile. “Yeah,” I said without much infliction.

A pout found his full lips, one that taunted me. “You’re a liar.”

“You’re drunk,” I said, allowing myself to laugh.

Felix laughed with me, his head falling forward onto my shoulder. “I am.” His voice was gentle among the slurs. “I’m sorry.”

Taking a hand behind his head I guided him back up by threading my fingers in his hair, catching him as his head lolled backward. We shared another laugh. “Don’t apologize.”

“But, I-”

“No,” I shook my head, dragging my fingers over his scalp.

“You haven’t had anything to drink,” he breathed, regaining his own strength, standing up on his own.

Pressing my lips together, I sighed. He was right, since I’d been here I hadn’t had anything to drink, not even something that didn’t have alcohol. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t. Tonight was about catching Jade doing something I’d be doing instead. Something I was… already doing. Alcohol would get in the way. I had to be sober to make sure what I was seeing was real.

“I don’t need a drink,” I shrugged. Part of me wanted to tell him that I also wasn’t going to drink because he was trashed. Not that that has stopped me before, friends being drunk didn’t mean I couldn’t get drunk, but that’s how it would go. I knew if I drank, I’d do it till I was plastered, and for some reason Felix was preventing it.

Batting his eyelashes he smiled. “That’s so grown up of you,” he said, leaning into me. “I thought you’d drink when you told me you were coming here.” Lowering my brows I smiled to keep him talking. “With everything happening, yanno?” I nodded. He rolled his body against mine. “You drink to avoid it all, don’t you?” If his hands didn’t slip around my front and draw up and down my chest I think his words would’ve stung more than he intended to. “I wanna make you forget everything.”

My breath hitched in my throat as one of his hands slipped lower, between my legs. “Felix,” I breathed with a slight shake of my head. “You’re drunk, hang on.”

Reaching for his wrists, he only giggled and snatched mine. He pulled my arms around his shoulders and put his around my back where they started. A smirk rested on his lips as he closed the space between us, sliding a knee between my legs, satisfied with the way it made my lips pop open and my body tense up. Grinding his hips against my thigh, he was half hard, I could feel it.

Tipping my head back, I let out a sigh. “Felix, calm down, you’re-”

“Drunk, I know,” he said, his tone suddenly somewhat harsh. Exchanging a look with him, his eyes softened. “Just dance with me.”

“Okay,” I whispered, allowing my body to fall in time with him. The grin that met his lips was priceless.

His fingers slipped into my hair, gently tugging at the length that brushed over my shoulders. I didn’t bother pulling it up tonight, most times it bothered me to have it in a tie. As his hands delved further into the strands I was thanking whichever god that I didn’t tie it back. His touch was intoxicating, crazy to think I ever needed to drink to have this type of electricity run through me.

Pushing my body into his, feeling out how this was going to go, knowing that everyone was in the room somewhere, Felix bit down on his bottom lip. It was exhilarating to watch him let go, to feel him harboring not one single care of where he was, who he was with, or where he was. Over the past two weeks, having broken the ice some more, having gotten through that ‘always happy!’ shell of his, he deserved a night like tonight.

Hanging onto me, grinding against me, brushing his nose over mine as his parted lips ghosted my own, he couldn’t give two shits who shot a disapproving glare his way. Our way. It was empowering, the energy began to affect me, my anxieties for the night dissipating even if it were only for a few minutes.

It was me and Felix.

That was it.

I finally felt like myself. A warmth began growing beneath my ribs, within me, in a place that’s normally cold, empty. It spread to my chest, my heart rate rising slightly as I smiled with Felix, my hands grasping him tighter, keeping him close.

Singing along to the music, a pop song I’d never heard before, Felix sang to me. The girl's voice was singing about love, or being in love, with somebody she didn’t have, someone she wanted to have. He was singing to me, drunk or not, the fantasy he and the girl sang about was me. And he was mine.

“Mariah Carey,” Felix blurted out, grabbing handfuls of my face, squeezing the fat of my cheeks. “I know one woman.”

Laughing, I nudged his nose with mine and shook my head. “Proud of you.” I smiled.

“When I close my eyes, you come and you take me…” Felix ran his hands down my chest, pressing a finger over my heart. Dropping his head backward, he bounced on his knees and laughed as I scrambled to catch him, thinking he was falling. “Sweet, sweet fantasy baby…” He spun around in my arms being sure to bump his ass into my hips before he came all the way around. When he met my eyes with a devilish little grin, he couldn’t help but laugh at the way I sarcastically scowled.

“Felix.” Tone a bit sharp, I gave him a look and he collapsed head first into my chest.

“I know, I know, I know,” he rambled. “I can’t help it, I’m sorry.” His accent truly was sweet music to my ears. There wasn’t any way I could actually be upset with him. “You’re the first one I actually believe.”

My heart sank to my knees. Folding my arms over his back, keeping him rocking side to side to a new song, I placed my chin over his blonde hair and took a deep breath.

You’re the first one I actually believe.

Open about who he was, Felix didn’t give two shits if anyone knew he was gay. He’s been out since he was fifteen, it’s been years of growing thick skin and learning to be unbothered by people like Minho and Han. It’d just be entirely different if it had been his choice to be out since he was fifteen. Some of the things I’d learnt the last fourteen days.

Felix attended an all boys school when he was young, when he started high school. Growing up he knew he wasn’t like everyone else, he wasn’t like his father, he wasn’t like the other men in his family, nor did he feel like his friends when they’d talk about girls that they liked. He played pretend, he said he liked girls, he had a girlfriend he’d only shared some kisses with, but he’d never be able to do anything else because, well, his body didn’t want to.

It happened his sophomore year. Confiding in his closest friend, his best friend, he asked for help. A summer night, like one that lived within Felix’s heart, he and his best friend attempted to figure out what was wrong, what stopped him from experiencing what his friends were experiencing. In his bedroom all night long, they talked about it, they watched the tapes, looked at the magazines, and he was bored. His friend clocked it first, when Pamela Anderson was on the receiving end of a cringe. He pressed his lips to Felix’s neck, and it was game over.

They spent that night, and many nights together. Hiding any feelings they may have had for one another, his friend having them long before Felix did, the reason he had kissed him in the first place, they kept their little secret to themselves. Sneaking off at parties, drunk on whatever the older boys smuggled inside, it was at one of them that it happened. A mutual friend found them in an upstairs bathroom, where it was dark, where not many of the boys came around, and saw Felix’s hand down the front of his best friend's jeans.

Naturally, his friend pushed him away, shattering Felix’s heart, the cracks filling up quickly with shame and guilt, but more fear than ever. There wasn’t anything he could say to defend himself, not when both boys started shouting horrible things at him, no matter if one of them was still sporting a hardon or not.

His dad picked him up that night. Felix managed to call him after his secret spread through the party in record time and he was shunned by every boy in the house. That was the night he came out to his father, in the car, still a little drunk. He was fifteen, he was gay, and he was entirely heart broken. Over time the bullying got so bad he had to switch schools, attending a different high school for his junior and senior years. He patched himself up from what had happened to him, but that didn’t stop the struggle of the years that followed, having to put up with men who weren’t sure if they were like him or not, wasting his time, using him to figure themselves out. One heartbreak after the next…

Did it terrify me that he clearly had feelings for me? Of course. Here he was, draped all over the boy who’d fuck anything that walked, knowing that I knew what he’d been through, knowing what I was, how I was, and he didn’t have a care. Though I knew, deep down, there was no way in hell I could, or should, or would cause this boy an ounce of pain. I wouldn’t let him do anything he’d regret in this state.

Besides, other than keeping my eye on him, I had another task on hand.

Spinning Felix and I around, that task was glaring at me from where she sat at the bar.

“Christ,” I muttered.

Felix nuzzled his cheek against mine and giggled. “What?”

Lowering my brows, I narrowed my eyes and sent her glare straight back. The way her arms were crossed and her chin was tipped down, like she was analyzing the two of us was entirely belittling. She wasn’t judging us because we were two guys, that much I knew. Unlike the boy she won’t admit she likes, Jade isn’t an asshole. She’s just complicated.

“It’s Jade,” I said to him, keeping my lips close to his ear. His groan, that he wouldn’t have made so audible if he wasn’t trashed, made me somewhat smirk. “She’s watching us. It’s been so long now, I don’t know why she still cares. I told her the truth. This is the truth. Why is she still holding onto this?”

Felix looked up at me and pouted. “I’m the truth?”

Meeting his eyes I smiled. “We are. Lix, I told you this. I’m not with her, I can’t be. Not with what you’ve done to me.” My words fell on drunk ears, and that somehow made it easier for me to speak them. He wasn’t sober, he couldn’t therapeutically analyze me. Not accurately at least.

“What have I done to you?” Felix whispered, his wide eyes falling on my lips.

Inhaling, I pushed my lips to the shell of his ear and sighed, feeling him melt into me. “Everything. Just keep dancing.”

When I glanced toward the bar again with a sigh of relief that Felix started singing along to the music once more, my stomach flipped over. Blood running cold at the sight of the man with silvery hair staring at me while Jade stared at him. As over it as I was, it didn’t mean it didn’t bother me seeing the two of them together.

Here we go, I thought. Catch her in a lie.

They did nothing more than speak. Frustratingly, they only shared words.

If they did anything else, I missed it. By the time they were looking at each other, a man taller than myself bumped into Felix’s back, knocking us both off our feet for a moment, turning my focus away from the bar.

“Hey, watch it,” I said. Felix’s hands gripped my shirt, keeping his balance by leaning on me.

The man was older, possibly ten or so years older than us. His bright blue eyes met mine, piercing through my hardened exterior. Slicked back dirty blonde hair with a curl laying over the left side of his forehead, he was handsome, and he was built. Definitely some sort of jock. Somebody we definitely shouldn’t bother with unless we wanted our asses kicked.

Dressed in his dark blue collared shirt accenting his wide shoulders, and his tighter denim jeans, he gave Felix and I a once over and scoffed before he strutted away with a roll of his eyes.

“Jerk,” I mumbled, and Felix put a finger over my lips.

“Stop,” he said, giving me a look. Could’ve sworn for a second the interaction had sobered him up, but then he tugged at my bottom lip gently with his fingertip and that idea was thrown out into the shitty parking lot. “I wanna kiss you so bad.”

“No, you don’t,” I sighed, tightening my gaze. “That’s the alcohol talking.”

“Drunk words are sober-”

“Felix!” I attempted to reprimand him, but a laugh came out along with it, making him laugh as well. His head tipped backward, his laughter filling the space, warming my heart. “You have to calm down. When you’re sober we’ll talk about this.”

Obliging to my request with a funny whine, he went back to dancing, minding his business, while I pointed my attention to the bar. The beat up wooden slab was now vacant where Jade and Minho once sat, short empty shot glasses left in their wake. They were gone, they were drinking, and I didn’t get to see where they’d escaped to.

Without thinking I started for the bar, Felix being dragged along with me, his feet stumbling beneath him, giggling as he tried to keep up. Dina was working tonight, the blonde curly haired blue eyed bartender I’d met a few weeks ago, the one who told me she was… On my side. She saw me coming, posting up where Jade and Minho had been sitting with her elbows perched on the wood.

“Hi, boys,” she shot Felix a smile, one that turned into a smirk as she focused her attention on me. Situating Felix on one of the stools, I wrapped an arm around his back to keep him upright. “What can I do for ya’?”

Sighing, I rolled my eyes, at myself, and cleared my throat. “Where’d they go?” Felix laid his head back on my chest, his eyes closing. One of his hands ran up my thigh, making me jump. Grabbing onto it, I yanked it away and he laughed.

Dina, withholding her own laugh, shrugged. “If you’re talkin’ about Jade and Minho, I have no idea. That girl barely gives me the time of day whenever she’s here. Shitty tipper, too.”

“Sorry,” I grumbled, shaking my head. Glancing around the room briefly before I focused back on Dina, the two were completely out of sight.

“Don’t be sorry, it’s not your fault,” she said. “She fits right in with those assholes who have money.” I rolled my eyes again, this time in agreement. “Don’t know why they all stick around here, in Soro. They belong with the snobs in Tamoe. Why you worried about them anyway?” She gestured to Felix with a simple look, returning it to me.

I’m not sure why it was so humiliating to admit. “I’m trying to see if she’s lying to me.”

Dina, pressing her lips into a line, leaned forward on the bar and parroted, “Trying to see if she’s lying to me.”

It sounded so much worse coming from her mouth considering Felix was glassy eyed and laid up on me with his fingers toying with the silver chain around my neck. “I told you this last week, we’re done, me and Jade.”

“Then, again, why you worried about them?” Dina cocked her head sideways, her blonde curls falling behind her shoulders. “Seems to me you got everything you want right here. Let the rest go.”

If only it were that simple.

I had to prove a point. I had to catch her. I had to see it for myself, that I’m not as shitty as everyone makes me out to be. That every single one of us is playing the same game. A game I never intended on becoming a pawn in. A game I wanted out of, a game I was sick of. Something I wouldn’t allow to happen to Felix and I. It was done, the cycle was done.

But, Christ, it was exhausting.

Dina was right. I had everything I wanted gazing up at me, touching me, saying he wanted me too, and here I was worried about a past I wanted to let go of.

Make it make sense.

“Come on, Lix,” I breathed, hooking my arm underneath his, pulling him off the stool. Not giving Dina a proper goodbye, I didn’t look back. My focus was forward, I needed to find them.

She was me. I wasn’t crazy. I wasn’t making it all up in my head.

“Wait, wait,” Felix muttered, trying to pull me back. He got me to pause, my brain only stopping for him, and when I looked at him, his brows were all twisted. “Are we going to Changbin? To find Changbin?”

Pulling my lips into a frown, I nodded. Changbin. A friend I’d been neglecting these past few weeks. “We are,” I said. “I’m sorry, Lix, I just need to find Minho and Jade.”

Holding my arms, Felix blinked a few times and tilted his head to the side. “I know,” he said after a second, “I just don’t want you to go near Changbin.” It was my eyebrows turn to go all twisted. Felix placed a hand to my chest and leaned into my ear. “He doesn’t say nice things about you, Hyunjin.”

Drunk words are sober thoughts.

How long had he been holding this in?

“What are you talking about?”

Felix pouted. “Recently, I mean. Whenever he’s around the others he doesn’t defend you, and it’s sad. It makes me sad.”

My lips parted, half shocked. His words take me back to a time before I knew him, really knew him. When I once thought that this friend group of ours would break, and we’d all be forced apart, forced to choose sides. Changbin was always on my side when the thought would occur. It wasn’t a second thought that the friend I’d had since before we were in college would have my back, stick by my side.

“Why, uh, why haven’t you… told me this before?” I asked, watching Felix’s inner turmoil take over.

“It’s only started recently,” he whined, brows flipping upward. “I promise, he hasn’t always been like this. Think it’s jus’ because of what’s happening right now.”

Nodding, taking a hand to his cheek to soothe him and his rambling, I said, “Okay, okay, it’s okay.” Felix’s pout relaxed, his eyes flickering between both of mine. “Do you defend me around the others?”

“I’m barely around the others,” he answered fast, entirely honest. “I don’t get a word in when I am, they don’t let me talk. They don’t… talk to me.”

After a gulp and a drag of my fingers over his cheekbone, I mumbled, “I’m sorry.”

His hand latched onto mine. “It’s not your fault. They could just leave you alone.”

They can't leave me alone. They can’t leave me alone because I can’t leave them alone. They’d bother me until the moment I let them go, and though I wished that day would come soon, I couldn’t let go.

“I’ll deal with Changbin later, okay?” I nodded my head, making him nod along with me. Little blonde pieces of hair caressed his forehead, right over his warm brown eyes. Brushing them away, I tried to smile. “Let’s just go talk to them for a second.”

At the high top tables toward the back corner of Haven, three boys sat around the beaten up wood with glasses littered across the top. Felix and I were approaching without knowing how much any of them had drunk this far into the night. My hopes were set on a shit ton, especially with the way Felix clung to me. Silently I prayed that in their own drunk blurriness Felix’s would go unnoticed.

His words lived in the back of my mind as I put my mission for the night back to the forefront, the Changbin thing he brought up. As we walked up to the table, it was a shock to see him sitting beside Chan, nudging him with his elbow while they laughed. They looked like natural friends, like they’d been buddies for years. Changbin had never warmed up to Chan like this, this was the first time I’ve seen them this way.

“Look out, boys.” The boy with the voice that drove pins into my skin every time. Han Jisung, nestled in his chair right next to Changbin. All three of them straightened up, their stares falling over Felix and I as I took up space next to Chan, the Aussie raising a brow.

Knowing he had to have been taking in Felix’s state, I sighed and tried to keep my voice as low as possible, my eyes on Chan’s and Chan’s only. “This is going to sound weird.”

He furrowed both brows. “I don’t know if I want you to finish then.”

“Please,” I nearly whispered, maintaining face. Chan glanced toward Han who snickered, boiling my blood. “I’m just looking for Jade, do you know where she went?”

“Why should I tell you?” Chan asked, shifting in his seat to face me. Though I was much taller, Chan was much wider, more muscular. “I do know where she went, but do you think you deserve to know?”

Felix, clinging to my waist from behind, tried to speak up. Shushing him in a messy rush of a glance behind me, Han snickered again and I longed to reach across the table to lay my hand across his cheek. Facing Chan once more, placing a hand to the back of his chair, I dug my nails into the wood and pressed my lips together.

“You and I both know who she’s with,” I muttered, venom in my eyes. Chan’s strong stance faltered the slightest. A consequence of being a good man. “You and I both know that I am not the only one causing problems here.” A quick glance to Changbin, he was focused on his glass. “She’s had the choice to leave me. Why am I made out to be the bad guy?”

“Uh,” Han stammered theatrically, lifting his glass before he took a decent swig. “Because you are, Hyunjin.” Smacking his lips together, the cup hit the table with a bang, then he pointed a finger my way. “You always have been. You always will be. And, not just to Jade, to us, too.” Changbin didn’t move an inch. My stomach roiled in discomfort. “I mean, look at what you’ve done just walking over here, we were having so much fun and you and your dark depressive cloud shit all over us.”

My fingertips went numb, the pins and needles springing to life.

“What the fuck, Han?” Felix spat, loosening his grip around me, leaning into the table. I didn’t even have the strength within me to pull him back.

“You’ll feel it, too,” Han winked at the blonde. “Eventually. He gets them all, always. No matter what.” Pins and needles shot up through my arms, into my shoulders, invading my chest.

“You arrogant asshole.” Felix’s accent made the words sound effortless, so regal, yet with so much more emphasis. “You’re such a sad excuse for a friend.” Everyone, including myself, shocked to hear him speak this way, as Felix hasn’t had anything not nice to say, ever, watched him calmly throw these words at the boy across the table. “Riding the tail end of your fathers success, you’ve never once understood what it’s like to struggle. He’s handed everything to you, you’ve gotten everything you’ve ever wanted, that’s not a good fucking look. Nepotism at its fucking finest.”

Han threw his head backward with a singular laugh. “Ugh, Felix, you’re so right! I’ve inherited almost everything. The job, the money, the success, and it’s all thanks to my father.” He shot me a degrading look. “What’d yours give you, Jinnie?”

“You’re disgusting, Han Jisung,” Felix said. Feeling his fingers tighten around me, somewhere, he helped ease the anxiety bubbling in my gut.

That is until Han crooned, “Brave coming from you, gay boy.”

That word.

That word that had Chan and Changbin reacting. Both holding up some type of hand, mumbling some type of word toward Han, something I couldn’t hear, something I couldn’t see.

Slinging an arm around Felix’s back, I ushered us toward the bathroom, away from the three of them. The pins and needles were spiking more so than before, spreading up to my face, my lips going numb. Shooting down my legs, into my ankles, it overtook my entire body.

It wasn’t until I was in a bathroom stall, in the quiet, with Felix’s hands around my neck that I was able to come to. His thumbs were wiping beneath my eyes, where tears had fallen.

“Don’t listen to them,” he was whispering, his eyes dancing all over my face. “Don’t let him get to you.” Him. Han.

“He’s right,” I sighed, wanting to wrap my arms around him, instead I kept my hands over my middle.

Felix shook his head. “No, he’s not. Nothing he said, nothing he’s ever said is right.”

Blinking, my tears fell onto his fingers. Shuddering a breath, I cried and shook my head. “What if it happens to you, too?”

My whisper paralyzed him. Brown eyes going wide, thick brows flipping over and pooling into the center of his forehead, Felix whispered, “Whether or not this turns into something more I’ll always care for you, Hyunjin.”

“You’re drunk,” I said, sniffling.

The cutest smile appeared on his lips, his brows still flipped over. “I am drunk,” he whispered, making both of us laugh. “But, shit, I’m having the best night. As selfish as that sounds ‘cause of what’s happening… Hyunjin, I’m having so much fun with you.” My tears ceased, my heart pounding louder between my lungs. “I need you to literally forget everything they’re telling you, everything they’re saying to you, because that isn’t you.”

Poking my tongue out between my lips, I tried to nod. “Even when you’re trashed you’re a good therapist.”

Felix swallowed his grin, dragging his thumbs over my cheeks once more. “That’s not what I’m doing here. You’re not a case for me to fix. I care about you, a lot, and I’ll say it however many times it takes for you to believe me. You’ve got baggage, yes, but we all do. I want to help you ‘cause… I really like you, and I know you’ll help me with mine once yours gets better.”

“I really like you, too, Lix,” I whispered.

Shocked, he moved a centimeter closer, pressing his body against mine. “Thought we weren’t supposed to talk like this.”

Focusing my eyes down on his lips, I breathed through a gentle laugh and gave him a slight shake of my head. “I like you.” Looking into his eyes that were full of hope, I started to smile. “You’re… different. Real.”

Felix sighed, eyes darting between my gaze and my lips. “Is this when I tell you to calm down?” Feeling my body relax itself, I slid both my hands around his waist and held him close. “Can’t even tell you you’re drunk,” he whispered, teasing me with what I’d been telling him on the dance floor.

Tipping my chin, I brushed our noses together and fluttered my eyes shut. His breath through his parted lips danced over my skin, taunting me, drawing me closer. “Tell me to stop,” I whispered.

“Never.” Felix caught my lips with his, his whisper forgotten in the air that expelled from him in a sigh. His lips, plush, so incredibly soft, fitting with mine ever so perfectly. Whether it was because we’d gotten past the we feel things part, or the pressure from the night, this kiss was unlike any other.

Rolling his chest into mine, Felix’s hands slid to my neck, wrapping around the back, keeping me over him. Pressing my fingers into his waist I let them slip underneath his shirt, the smooth skin soft, warm, inviting. He seemed to mold into me, against me, a perfect fit, his smaller frame seeming to click into place with my larger one.

I know I shouldn’t be kissing him, shouldn’t be letting this happen right now. Not while he was intoxicated, and certainly not when I was here for a completely different reason… A reason that didn’t seem to matter anymore. With the way Felix curled into me, my mind wiped. Feeling my skin heat up and my thoughts warping into Felix and Felix only, it had to stop, or it’d go too far.

Taking my hands to his shoulders I tugged him away and smirked at his pout. With swollen lips and shiny eyes he blinked a few times and the tiniest smile pricked onto his freckled face. “I liked that one,” he muttered.

A giggle fell from me. A giggle. “You’re so cute.”

“You’re so hot,” he said with no hesitation.

“Stop,” I eyed him through a smile.

Groaning, Felix let his weight go in my hold and dropped his head backward. “Don’t go back there!”

Catching him, I couldn’t help but giggle again. “Lixie, come on,” I said. “You know we can’t just do that.”

Standing up straight as if he hadn’t ragdolled seconds ago, he furrowed his brows. “Why not?”

“Because…” Pausing to gather reasons why we weren’t allowed to kiss one another, there wasn’t anything I could think up that sounded reasonable enough. Felix took a thumb to my lips and toyed with the bottom one.

Raising a brow, in a low voice, he said, “Thought so.”

“Lix, you’ve been drinking, that’s why.”

Looking up at me, his thumb still on my lip, he pondered to himself for a few moments, then smiled. “I still dream about kissing you like that when I’m sober.”

Sucking in a deep, shaky breath, I attempt to stop him once more, but before the words can come out, the bathroom door is opened and all of the outside noise from Haven interrupts me. Glancing down at our feet, it’d be very easy to tell that we were two men trying to occupy the same spot in a closed bathroom stall. Feeling my blood run cold, especially over the fact that Felix didn’t notice, or care, I maneuvered him off of me, putting an arms length between us.

Felix, milliseconds away from protesting, brows twisting in confusion, a voice from outside the stall cut in first.

“Hyunjin?”

It was Changbin.

Audibly sighing with relief, I threw my head against the plastic wall of the stall and shut my eyes.

“It’s just me, I promise,” he said, keeping his distance from the stall we were in. There were only two in the bathroom anyway, though there was plenty of room for more. Something I’ve brought up to Arnold numerous times.

“We’re in here,” I said, looking down at Felix whose glare could kill, and he was sending it toward me. “What?” I whispered harshly.

“Chan and I, we, uh, we put Han in his place,” Changbin said. I could hear the remorse in his voice. “They might have their issues, but no one should talk like that.”

They. The other side of the friend group he’s seemed to find himself on. Felix’s glare made sense.

“Um,” I stammered, wincing as Felix’s grip tightened on me. “Thanks, I guess. It’s still fucked up.”

“Oh, I know,” Changbin spoke a bit louder, as if to emphasize his point, a habit of his. “It’s fucked up, I mean, Felix, I wouldn’t ever let anyone say that to you, and now… Hyunjin, now that you’re…”

“Not gay,” I muttered. Felix bobbed his head, his eyes glistening with something related to happiness. I couldn’t push the words out, but this was Changbin, I’ve spent my whole life with him. “Just… Really liking… Felix.”

“We’ll work on that,” Felix whispered, smiling at the same time.

“Right,” Changbin said, clearing his throat. “Just want you guys to know I’m on your side.”

Felix switched back to the glare, and I’m suddenly reminded that apparently Changbin has been double teaming us. Taking him under my arm, I unlock the stall and step out, giving my old friend an uneasy onceover. He took into account the way Felix held onto me and the way I clung around him as well.

“You, uh, you and Jade,” Changbin said to me.

Gritting my teeth, I mumbled, “It’s done. It’s been done. The only thing that’s happened between us,” I gestured to Felix with a nod of my head, “While I was with her, was a kiss.”

“That I initiated,” the Aussie said softly. “It wasn’t even his fault.”

Turning my chin, I lowered my brows. “I mean, I wanted to,” I said. “You know that, right? I kissed you back, it wasn’t a-”

Felix took a hand to my chin with a flattened smile and turned me back to Changbin who watched with the ghost of a smile.

“You’ve got him, don’t you?” Changbin asked Felix, who answered with a blush of his freckled cheeks. Focusing back on me, a new amusement in his eyes, Changbin asked, “Why the interest in Jade still?”

Felix scoffed. “His mission.”

Changbin laughed. “His mission?”

Able to set aside his tiff about Changbin at my expense, Felix laughed with him, even more so as I lifted a hand in defense.

“You know why I am,” I shot a glare at Felix, lifting it to Changbin who crossed his arms and leaned against one of the sinks. Felix placed a hand to my chest, assuring me it was jokes. “Bin, you all… They all think that I’m the only bad guy here.”

Changbin nodded, his eyes shifting into his analyzing ones. A look he somewhat shared with Felix when their therapist was turned on. “Accountability, huh.” Sharing a look with Felix, he perked a brow. “You’ve done a shit ton in such a short time.”

Felix swallowed a smile, tapping my chest one more time. “Wasn’t me, it was all him.”

Unsure of what they were talking about, I swapped my attention between the two psychoanalyzers and narrowed my glare. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, but I know what I’ve done, okay? I fucked up, a lot. I’m not saying I deserve to get off scot free…” Pausing, I glanced at Felix. “Think that’s why I won’t let you kiss me.”

Felix wore the amusement Changbin once did. “I did kiss you. Twice. For a long time.”

“Whatever,” I squeezed my eyes shut, brushing it all away while Changbin laughed.

“Punishing yourself, or trying to,” he said, nodding. “You’ve put yourself in timeout. Or… you’ve tried to.” Changbin winked at Felix. “You’re a naughty boy. You see what he’s been trying to do.”

“He doesn't deserve punishment,” Felix whispered, and Changbin half agreed.

“This doesn’t explain why you need to know where Jade is,” Changbin began to question. “Or, as you said before, Jade and Minho. You’re standing here with Felix, what’s the difference if she’s with Minho?”

That nausea roiled within me. The Jade and Minho nausea had the possibility to rip me apart from the inside out.

“Because,” I began, tone low and shaking. “I’ve owned up to my fuckery. And though there may be more than she’s got, she won’t own up to hers. You’ve all watched it happen. I know you’ve seen it, right?” The way his gaze dropped told me everything. “Exactly. So, why am I the one getting all the piss?” Both boys were silent. “I haven’t witnessed anything. Tonight I intended to catch her in her lies. She tells me she has no interest in him. She tells me all this time she’s only wanted me, and nothing but me.” Laughing aloud, a singular sound startling both men, I said, “You’ve seen how I’ve been, who wants that and only that!?”

Felix stirred beside me. “I do.” His voice was quiet, small.

Looking down at him and his wide shining eyes, my heart swelled.

“You’re different,” I whispered. “You don't belong with these shitheads.”

It was quiet for a moment longer, Felix and I sharing words in the silence until Changbin spoke up, sending my heart plummeting through the tile.

“She and Minho left not too long ago.”

I won.

I don’t care what any lowlife has to say about me. Not anymore.

Because I won.

Jade sat across the kitchen table from me, red hot with rage, and I won.

It’d been two hours since I drove Felix home, leaving him with a kiss on the forehead, making sure he made it into his front door before driving away. Surprisingly calm, despite the anger sitting in my gut, I was more entertained than anything. It happened, I caught her. She and Minho spilled out of the backseat of his car, unaware that anyone would be there to catch them. Thinking they could trust the friends who sat around the wooden tables of Haven, not knowing one had been keeping tabs for my sake.

My friend. The one I’d always known was my friend. A friend I’d have to make apologize to Felix, getting them past the co-workers boundary.

I had been right the entire time. The delusions that haunted me in the middle of the night, the thoughts that would creep into my subconscious at the worst times, they were all right. Every single one. I wasn’t crazy. I wasn’t the only bad guy.

And I’d get her to say it.

“You were my girlfriend when I fucked Jennie,” I shrugged. Her eyes went wild.

“That hurt,” she spat. “Fuck you.”

“Fuck you!” I shot back, half in disbelief she’d throw the words around. She’s heard this before. It wasn’t the first time.

Dragging her hands through her hair to over her eyes, she rubbed the sleep away and sighed, placing her hands on her knees. Avoiding my eyes, she stared down at the table.

“I think… I think I should go,” she said, flickering her eyes up to catch my gaze. “Don’t look at me like that.”

“Like what?” I whispered.

“Like… like you’re sad,” she said, shaking her head. The front was working. “You don’t hold an ounce of empathy for me when you go frolicking down the streets to pick up the next conventionally attractive person, and take them somewhere to hook up.”

Maintaining face, I kept my lips ironed shut, and my argument from weeks prior resurfaced. She’s had so many opportunities to leave, opportunities to break things off with me. I had been open, honest, everything she could possibly need. I showed her who I was, or, what I had been. Unhappy. She chose, she made her choices, and I’m the villain.

“Some of them, we’re friends with, Hyunjin. So, yes. This relationship was over two weeks ago when you drove me to crazy town, to the point of no return.” My eyes were laser focused on hers. “You know, in a way, it’s like you pushed me right into his arms.”

“Oh, that’s rich,” I said, and she huffed a laugh. “Could I say the same about Felix? That you pushed me right into his arms?” Jade sat back and folded her arms over her chest. “You know I can’t, because I fought, and tried to make this work.”

“Did you?” Her snicker burrowed its way beneath my skin. “Sleeping with everything that walks by you is trying to make this work?”

My tone packed a punch. “You’ve been emotionally fucking with Minho this entire time, don’t even try to deny that! Though I know you will. You love him, and you’ll tell me that you don’t. Go ahead,” leaning forward, I plastered a fake smile to my lips, “Tell me you don’t love him. I wanna hear you say it again.”

She’s quiet, her mind working overtime at this ungodly hour of the morning. “Tell me you don’t love Felix.”

“I’ve spoken my truth about him, I always have, and I always will. I don’t know if I love him, it’s so new, but I can tell you I like him, a lot.” Pressing my lips together, I shook my head. “You deflecting the question tells me everything I need to know. You love him.”

“I do,” she whispered, and the words had me washed with fury, yet incredible release. The look in her eyes, full of a sorrow I couldn’t place. “I love him,” she whispered, taking in the shock that filled the cracks of my hardened expression. “But, I still love you.”

She left moments after the confession. Leaving me at the kitchen table, a nail shoved between my teeth, she gathered a bag, filling it with some of her clothes from our… my bedroom. The words had been spoken. Whatever was going on between us was over, and we both agreed that it had happened two weeks ago.

I asked her if she needed a ride to wherever she needed to go, and she gave me a sheepish look, telling me that Minho was downstairs waiting for her. She didn’t stick around long enough to see the amusement light up in my eyes, she was out the door seconds after telling me. Though once the door was shut I collapsed onto the kitchen table, clasping my arms around my head with a scream that should have the neighbors knocking.

It was real. All of it. The cheating, on both ends, the shared feelings, the mutual pining for others, the emotional distress, the love we had for one another, it was all real. The hell was finally over, the misery, the weight that clung to me and kept me in such a horrible place, it was done. Out of my life. I could move on.

I was free, and it hurt.

It hurt so goddamn bad.

Pushing my chair out from under me with a force, it collided with the wall behind it. Feeling shaky on my legs, I took myself into the kitchen, the lightheadedness hitting me harder than I thought it would.

Gripping the kitchen counter leaning forward onto it, I pressed my forehead to my arms sucking in shallow breaths. The cabinet that stared back at me was tempting. It called for me, it wanted me to open it. Everything inside of it could fix what I was feeling, it has before. Snatching one of the handles, my head lobbing onto the counter, I white knuckled the brass and longed to throw it open. Any one of the glass bottles on the shelves inside called my name, a sweet, sweet siren song.

But, all at once, another overpowered it. A deeper, happier, beautiful song that mimicked a laugh, bringing me to my senses.

Letting the handle go, I stumbled backward, pressing a hand to my brow and the hair that laid there, moist from my sweat. Coming to, like I’d been in a trance, an anxiety induced trance, I snatched my car keys from the counter, bounded out of my door, locking it behind me, and I got into my car and drove.

Following a familiar path I drove until I pulled into a driveway beside a grey Nissan, one I’d fix up one day, whether he’d let me or not. Slamming my door shut, I hurried up the walkway and rounded the house to the backdoor, where I was no more than three hours ago. Lifting the mat beneath the door I took the key and managed to get myself inside, popping right into the kitchen where he stood in a different t-shirt and boxer shorts.

With a glass of water in his hand he spun around in surprise as I wiggled the old door open, and he half smiled after it shut behind me.

“Hi,” he said, setting his glass down on the tan counters. Taking in my state, he took a step closer, but I stopped him by moving closer on my own. “Think I almost blacked out,” he laughed that laugh, and I almost fell to my knees. “You got me here?”

Nodding, I whispered, “Yeah,” still tiptoeing closer to him.

“Thanks,” Felix smiled. “I just tried calling you, I-”

Catching up to him, he didn’t have the time to finish speaking his peace. Wrapping my arms around him, I closed the space and kissed him with the ferocity he was begging for on the dance floor. Lasting about a minute, Felix melting into my hold, I pulled myself away and pressed my forehead to his.

“You drank something, you had water,” I half asked, looking into his eyes for confirmation. His stunned nod was answer enough, but he kept going.

“I did, a lot,” he whispered, focused on my lips. “I ate, too. Did you? Do you want something, I’ve got-”

Grabbing him by the waist, lifting him onto the counter, the whine that escaped him ripped my being in two. His arms slung around my shoulders, keeping my forehead over top of his while my hands tugged at the elastic band of his shorts.

“That’s not what I want,” I pushed from my lips in a whisper, nipping at his bottom lip before dropping to my knees.

Sunlight leaked through the shades, early morning sunlight, meaning I hadn’t been asleep for very long. Stretching my legs out over the mattress, blinking my eyes open to the pastel yellow walls home to photographs of people I didn’t know, my heart sprung out of my chest for all of two seconds until a pair of plush lips pressed a kiss to my collarbone. Turning my chin, ruffled blonde waves tickled my chin.

Felix, on top of the sheets with nothing but shorts on, smiled up at me, only his lips turning up, hiding a plethora of secrets behind them.

“Hi,” I attempted to say, my morning voice rough. Felix bit his bottom lip and tilted his head.

“Hi,” he whispered. “How do you feel?”

Sitting up to my elbows, I squinted in the light. “Shouldn’t I, uh… Shouldn’t I be the one asking you that?”

Felix smiled again, this one larger than the last, full of amusement. “I’m fantastic, but I’ve done this before, and it doesn’t matter who does who, it’s still proper to check in, Hyunjin.”

Flopping back on the sheets I covered my face with my hands and sighed, the end coming out with a laugh. Flustered beyond belief, I reached out a hand to cup his cheek, giving him a smile. “I felt like…”

Felix bobbed his head, melting into my touch. “Tell me, tell me everything.”

The light in his eyes was spectacular. He cared. This was… normal, talking about this. It wasn’t just a moment that’d never be spoken of again like all of my experiences had been, it meant something, it was supposed to mean something.

“I felt… like a virgin,” I said, and he laughed softly when I did.

“So did I,” he admitted, moving his chin to press a kiss to my wrist.

Shooting him a look, I narrowed my eyes and he laughed again.

“I’ve only been with four people,” he said. “One of them was female, I had to try it.” More laughter. He reached for my other hand and laced his fingers within mine. “You make five. The other guys I’ve been with have… They were more experienced than I was, so I followed their lead. I dated one of them for a while, but it doesn’t matter.”

“Was he older?” I asked, shocking myself with how the words just seemed to slip out.

Felix pursed his lips and nodded.

“How much older?”

His smirk was devious. “You’re a curious fucker this morning aren’t you?” Scooting closer to me, he buried me with kisses and giggles for a few seconds before he pulled away and sighed. “Much older.”

“Do I know him?” I asked just to mess with him, grinning wide as a disgruntled shout fell from his smiling lips.

“You most certainly do not!” Felix’s eyes shot open wide. “If you did I think he’d eat you alive, so let’s be grateful he lives many, many hours away. All the way past Delo.”

With a breath, I drug my fingers through his hair and accepted his answer as final. I’d be able to get it out of him with time, if he was going to give me any more of his time after this.

“Sorry I showed up unannounced.” The air grew quiet, the only sound heard was that of the birds outside his windows. “I didn’t know what else to do. Didn’t know where else to go.”

Dropping his head to my bare chest, where I now realize I’m completely naked beneath his sheets, he smiled up at me. “Don’t apologize. I’m happy you came.”

“Me too.” Winking at him, Felix swatted at me and sat up with a horrible laugh. Following him, I sat up as well, bunching the sheets up in my lap. Trying to not turn red as he ogled my bare chest, I caught him off guard with, “You have to teach me.”

Wide eyes shot up at me. “W-what? Teach you what?”

“Blow jobs,” I said, completely serious. The boisterous laugh that came out of him wasn’t condescending in the slightest, and in fact made me happy to hear I could amuse him with my ignorance. “I mean it, teach me. I think I… I just tried to do what I think I like to feel, yanno?” Scooting closer to him, our knees bumped. “But, what if you didn’t like that? What if I did something that was weird to you, or didn’t feel good, or it-”

He cut me off, grabbing each side of my face with his hands. “Hyunjin,” he spoke softly. “Trust me, you knew what you were doing.”

Cheeks squished in his grip, voice muffled, I asked, “You’re sure?”

“Positive,” Felix shut his eyes in approval.

I guess the way his head was thrown back against the cabinets was a good thing. He did have one hand gripping my hair, and the other on the countertop clawing at nothing…

When he opened his eyes I whispered, “I like the way you taste.”

“Fuck,” he breathed, giving me the swiftest kiss before pulling away, sitting backward on his bed, putting space between us. Following suit, I twisted where I was sitting so I could face him, eyes on alert, like I’d done something wrong.

“What’d I say?”

“Nothing,” he said immediately, giving me a reassuring smile. “I’m loving everything you’re saying, and I’m finding you so incredibly adorable right now that it pains me to even have to say this.” My stomach flopped and my heart sunk. If he had pulled one over on me and was about to send me home, cutting this off, I swear to… “I want to talk to Jade.”

The name sent a jolt through my nervous system. “Oh, w-why?”

He took a deep breath. “I used to consider her a friend. I’d like her to also hear it from me that nothing between us happened while you were together, nothing more than that kiss. I feel like I owe it to her. It won’t have anything to do with you, I don’t want to do it to… unpack you guys. It’s between her and I, what happened with me and Jade. I owe her a conversation. If she’ll let me.”

My gaze traveled around his room as he spoke, his voice of reason always right, always correct, even if it pained me a bit.

“I’m not saying this because of last night. Can you look at me?” Listening, I met his eyes full of care, full of trust. “I wanted last night to happen the day I met you, Hyunjin. I promise you. I care about you, I like you, I have some… intense feelings about all of this, but this is new. For both of us, but especially you. Do you agree?”

Heart fluttering at the thought that Felix had been crushing on me longer than he’d originally let on, I nibbled my bottom lip and bobbed my head. “Yeah,” I sighed. “I care about you and like you, too.”

He smiled. “So then… If you trust me? Can we start over? Not in the sense of forgetting all that’s happened, because believe me, I will never forget last night, but… If we both want this to work out we can’t jump in headfirst right now.”

Trust, communication, the start of a, hopefully, healthy relationship. I could get on board with that.

“You’ll be worth the wait,” I whispered.

Felix’s smile grew until it erupted over his entire face. Burying himself in his hands he giggled, and whined. “Don’t say stuff like that, you make me want to say fuck it all!”

A breath caught in my throat between a laugh. “Don’t say stuff like that! I’ll really make you say fuck it all!”

The glare he shot me crippled us both, rolling on the sheets until we met in the middle, his head resting back on my chest where it started. Unable to help myself, I delved a finger into his blonde waves and breathed him in, though he seemed to do the same to me.

“Friends,” Felix said quietly, eyes fluttering as I scratched his scalp gently.

Giving him a lazy smile, I whispered, “Friends don’t do this.”

“No sex,” he restated, a smile trying to appear on his lips, but I relaxed him further. “No kissing, unless… Unless it’s proper…”

Enamored by the way he seemed to drift off, I breathed through a laugh. “You want me to court you, I get it.”

His smile finally appeared, his eyes closed. “Maybe I do, Hyunjin.”

“No sex, no kisses, only on the back of the hand when I drop you at your doorstep in the evening,” he chuckled, “But, this is okay?”

He hummed his approval.

“You’re gonna be a handful, aren’t you, Lixie?”

He hummed again, his grin growing back to where it was. Then, his eyes popped open, halting my ministrations.

“We need to get tested,” he said. My brows scrunched above my eyes. “Don’t let me forget. We can go together. I’m coming up on one year anyway, I always go near the end of summer. Was a school thing for me.”

Dumbfounded, I squinted my eyes. “Tested… for what?”

Felix blinked, then pursed his lips.

“You gave me a condom…” I said, voice trailing at the slight disappointment mixed with adoration in his eyes.

Taking a hand to my cheek, he pinched the skin and smiled. “So much to learn.”

Smiling back at him, I attempted to nip his fingers, then whispered, “Teach me.”

haven masterlist ✧ talk to me ✧ thank you for reading <3

you do not have permission to copy or translate my works without my consent.

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lillit-d · 2 months ago

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the same "love"

that began at a distance

when he waits for every new message, listens with interest to other people's stories and talks on the phone for hours, hoping to one day see someone who, hundreds of kilometres away, has become so dear.

and one day

the realization comes that an accidental acquaintance on the Internet it turned out almost the most important. and they are together looking at the paired rings, drinking coffee on a balcony overlooking the Gulf of Venice

having fulfilled all their dreams, which were sometime only pleasant illusions

nightly obsession with dreams that do not belong only to me

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ven-fic-recs · 1 year ago

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SKZONTHEBRAIN's 2023 Fic Recs!

Below are some recommendations of fics I have collected through out the year! (I have definitely missed some amazing fics so make sure to check my tag in my pinned post for more amazing gems)

18+ Only (MDNI) as almost all of them include smut or at the very least are suggestive!

On my pinned post is a list of authors who create SKZ fic content, and who I highly recommend. All of their work is S-Class! 💕

Please ensure you read all individual fic warnings before reading any of the fics below!

Werewolf AU / Hybrid AU / A/B/O

Wereroomies Series (OT8) - @/therhythmafterthesummer (literally anything by Rhythm is amazing)

SKZ!Pack Universe (OT8) - @/leviackermanscleaningbuddy

Instinct (Bang Chan) - @/fizzydrink698

Yours (Bang Chan) - @/imhereforbrownies

Imprinted (OT8) - @/gamerwoo

SMAU Series

Watercolor (Hyunjin) - @/jinhyun (Can't recommend this enough)

The Boy is Bad News (Hyunjin) - @/milkandhyunnie

Drinking Sessions (Jisung) - @/starryjoongs

Series

Sharing a Bed Series (OT8) - @skzdarlingsThe Sleepwear Series (OT8) - @/charmercharm3r

Phases (reader x Minsung) - @/charmercharm3r (THISSSSS)

THE PUNCHLINE (OT8) - @/cb97percent (THIS ONE)

Truth Comes Out (Jisung) - @/kwanisms

Stray Kids go to Hogwarts (OT8) - @/hwan-g

ON TOUR (Hyunjin x reader x Felix) - @/seospicybin

Sharing is Caring (Minsung x reader x OT8 partner sharing) -@/skzms (If you haven't read this YOU ARE MISSING OUT)

Hot Bitch Summer (fratboy!stray kids x reader) - @/hyunsvngs

Sharp Edges (hyunjin x f!reader) - @/straywrds

(I CAN NOT RECOMMEND MARI'S WORK ENOUGH READ IT ALL)

The Taste of Honey (hyunjin x f!reader) - @/straywrds

Super Bored (hyunjin x f!reader) - @/straywrds

Four of Wands (hyunjin x f!reader) - @/straywrds

SMUT One Shots

Be That Guy (Bang Chan) - @/daizymax

Hyung Line: Love Languages and Sex (Hyung Line) -@/matryosika

Kiss Me More (Lee Know) - @/angelwonie

Cherry Chapstick (Hyunjin) - @/angelwonie

Ketamine (Felix) - @/ss-skyearn

Bold (minsung x fem!reader) - @/hyunsvngs

Late Night Confessions (Changbin x afab!reader) @/straykeedz

TEN BILLION YEARS (Minho x fem!reader) @/tasteleeknow

Good Morning (Jeongin x reader) - @/hyunnieshannie

Baby Fever (Hyunjin x fem!reader) - @/hwanghyunjinenthusiast

Guilty, Guilty / P2 (cheater!hyunjin x fem reader / hyunchan x fem reader) - @/seung-mong

Wearing Something That Turns Skz On (Changbin x afab!reader x Chan) - @/tyunphoria

HONEY (2min x fem!reader) - @/tasteleeknow

Jealousy (Bang Chan x afab!reader) - @/svngcore

PURE FLUFF One Shots (some may be suggestive)

All I Ask (Han x fem!reader) - @/miel-ji

It's the Little Things For Me (reader x stray kids) - @/strayingawayy (headcanons)

Safe Place (Lee Know x reader) - @/jae-bummer

Daisies (Hyunjin x reader) - @/jinhyun

Text One Shots

Any of the Text One Shots (OT8) - @/imagine-a-life-like-this

All of their Texts - @/starrgaziinggg

All of their text aus - @/feelbokkie

Skz reacting to you calling them by their english name - @/azurez

SKZ Reactions (OT8)

Any of their reactions - @/seungisms

Any of their reactions - @/feelbokkie

S/O getting another member on a stray kids soulmate quiz - @/binniecorre

When you introduce them as your boyfriend for the first time - @/softstraykidshours

Protective Tendencies - @/maxidentscene

You Get Hurt - @/blue-jisungs

When they accidentally leak their relationship with their s/o - @/mazeinthemiroh

PLAYING WITH SKZ’S HAIR - @/sunboki

Making out with SKZ - @/fairygemss

#Ven's fic recs 2023 #2023 fic recs #stray kids fic recs

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marvelous-llama · 1 year ago

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STRAY KIDS recs

most of the mentioned works is 18+ NSFW, MINORS DNI

tumblr is based on reblogs not likes, so please reblog and comment under works you like. Show love to the authors and appreciate their hard work

<<next chapters

pls don´t hesitate to hmu, if any of mentioned links doesn´t work or you have suggestions for more fics... thank you so much for all the love and comments

OT8

Soulmate AU Series by @skz317cb97

route 66 universe by @hwan-g (Bang Chan, Changbin, Seungmin)

The SSFW by @straylightdream

WereRoomies by @therhytmafterthesummer

ONE NIGHT AT BACK DOOR by @cb97percent

𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐢𝐝𝐝𝐥𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐧𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 by @straylightdream

jealousy, jealousy by @candlewaxandp0lar0ids

Stray Kids as High School Romance AUs by @jisungsdaydreamer

Stranded for the Holidays collab by @kwanisms

True Love Gave to Me Masterlist by @jishyucks

Bang Chan

Lee Minho

Seo Changbin

Hwang Hyunjin

Han Jisung

Lee Felix

Kim Seungmin

Yang Jeongin

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tinyidle · 2 years ago

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I haven't seen any hard dom fics yet so here's a switch Hyunjin's with blindfolds that I read and if for my ovaries on 🔥

https://www.tumblr.com/hwan-g/692692498544558080/use-me-pair-switch-hyunjin-x-fem-reader

sorry ive been m.i.a for a few. i was doing something else and got caught up. anyway

today we got an angsty pwp from one of skz's finest

USE ME.

how do i feel about it?

so, i'll be honest. i had to skip the first part of the fic (up until hyunjin asked to taste fem!reader) because i wasn't getting past it. maybe the intricate words of angst went over my head, or maybe i kept reading too quickly. once i went to the tasting part of the fic, i was h o o k e d. hyunjin was a little agressive for me, not that i minded too much (a little cnc or rough sex warning), but overall the fic is a certified panty soaker lol.

my ranking:

👑👑👑👑

slow beginning, agressive mid-ending, overall yummy fic.

see you in the next fic! here's the previous fic i reviewed.

#tinyidle's rank #skz smut #stray kids smut #hyunjin smut #april : rank my fav fic

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k22ri · 5 years ago

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girl we need to be

romantics

now is the time for this.

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chimivx · 6 months ago

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TASTE. -> 'Haven' from the POV of Hyunjin. (Part Six of Six)

summary: 1998 is his year. He's sure of it. (With a bonus snippet of the future.)

word count: 12k

warnings: 18+, mentions of alcohol abuse, struggles with mental health themes, cursing, drug use mentions, sex is insinuated, physical violence between male friends is talked about, if I missed anything PLEASE LET ME KNOW!

a/n: I don't even know how to say goodbye to this. This has been two years of my life. Thank you to everyone who's been on this wild ride. <3

more about Beomgyu and his family in NMWID.

“You can take this, and you can sit down,” Felix’s voice carried through his kitchen, our kitchen, as he handed Seungmin a pitcher of water and waved him away. “You haven’t slept in thirty six hours, you’re nuts if you think I’m going to let you do too much.” Laughter followed, pulling a smile out of me.

From the kitchen table I heard Changbin reprimand the boy as well, telling him again and again how he’s been working too hard, too much. Glancing their way from where I stood at the counter plating a couple dishes, I couldn’t help but laugh. Seungmin had all eyes on him, and several different people doting on his every need.

Felix, setting the table up making sure he had what he needed in front of him. Changbin, filling up his glass with water when he set the pitcher down. Jeongin, unfolding a napkin and laying it across his lap to protect the scrubs he hadn’t changed out of yet. Changbins girlfriend, Yeri, who he’d been seeing for over a year now fussed over Seungmins messy hair, jokingly brushing it away from his forehead like a mother. Jisoo, Jeongins new girl of a few weeks, sat back, watching the chaos unfold before her.

“You didn’t even change your clothes,” Yeri nagged, and Changbin agreed with her. The two were a perfect pair, Yeri knew how to match Changbin’s playful side perfectly. She plopped beside her boyfriend and narrowed her eyes toward the nurse. “Don’t tell me you haven’t eaten today.”

Seungmin, sipping his water, nearly choked, planting the glass down with persistence. “I didn’t change my clothes, you think I had time to eat!? Why do you think I’m here!”

Insistent messy chatter erupted once more, the table full of so much life my cheeks hurt from smiling. Taking the plates to the group I sat them down, the finishing touches, and relished in the happy sounds from every mouth. Wasting no time they dug in, letting Seungmin fill his plate first, taking turns helping each other with their portions.

Folding my hands in front of myself, I stood a foot away and watched them indulge. Taking in every smile, every compliment, every little piece of this evening that brought me comfort, and I pocketed it with the intention to remember it on a bad day. Seungmin, Changbin, Jeongin… Friends who stuck by me through the worst. The last two years that pulled me through the ringer, a challenge in every waking moment. Yeri, who slipped right into our dynamic with ease, becoming everyone's mother, and Jisoo who I’m sure will slip into a role at any minute. They were my people. My family.

And then, at the end of the table, an empty chair beside him, sat Felix. A smile resting on his lips he watched me watch them. The blonde, baby faced Aussie, love of my life.

A month after our decision to take our time we dove headfirst into the deep end. Neither of us could help ourselves, certainly not when you spend every waking second together. Though, I won’t lie, the beginning was rough.

After Minho fought dirty and I was able to go home, Felix took me to my apartment. Changbin followed and helped us inside. Once things were deemed safe, and I was somewhat okay, he headed out for the night knowing I had Felix to look after me. I had a shower, that I’m ashamed to admit Felix took with me, a platonic shower. Nothing happened, he may have kissed me, and I may have kissed him back, and I may have had to sit on the edge of the bathtub because it was hard to stand for so long, but it doesn’t matter!

He helped me into bed and he laid with me, and I watched him fall asleep. Those long lashes brushing his freckled cheeks tore me to pieces. That night they weren’t enough to keep me where I was supposed to be, in bed, next to him.

Awake for hours, my mind raced, thoughts I couldn’t even begin to put together now that I’ve worked them out with Namjoon, the therapist I’ve been seeing for two years. He’d been able to fix most of what had happened, even though Felix tells me it was I who did the work…

The thoughts were coming toward me rapidly, faster than ever, and we still don’t know if it was purely just a panic attack or if it was the aftereffects of what had happened to me, and the oxygen to brain thing. I was near hallucinating, hearing my father, seeing him… Wondering if the fight had really been between Minho and I, or he and I… Your mind is the scariest place to be trapped in.

Living through this before, I knew only one way to cope. And it wasn’t by waking Felix up.

I snuck out of bed, almost toppled to the floor, and inched my way into the kitchen to that goddamned cabinet that was still full of my vice. Felix will tell me he found me before it got too bad, I don’t really remember anything after rolling off my mattress. Part of me thinks he’s saving my feelings by telling me it wasn’t bad, and that he himself doesn’t want to relive it by telling me the truth.

I forgive him for that.

We ended up in the emergency room anyways, so protecting my feelings or not I know it was awful. The only thing he’ll tell me is that he took me there because he loves me, and they were the only people capable of keeping me safe. I stayed there for a few days, and then I was sent back home.

Great system. Really, really great system.

It felt like I had been thrown straight back into the nightmare I had been living for a year. Sleepless nights, unable to leave the apartment, drinking myself unconscious… Was a wonder why Felix signed himself up for this trainwreck so quickly. Through the start of my hours in therapy it soon came to my realization that Jade was never the main issue like I had thought she was.

Did she cause some of my distress? Yes.

Did I cause most of her distress? Yes.

Did we both deserve that? No.

The main, huge, horrific issue that bitch slapped me across the face was my childhood. A topic that took months to unravel, and is still being unraveled. A terrible thing to uncover and relive, truly.

But, I’ve been sober for three months now so something must be working.

I find joy in having my friends, our friends, over for dinner once a month. Moving into Felix’s home at the start of this year it was his idea to start the tradition, to keep us all close. No one found interest in Haven anymore, so it was a win win. Our home became the spot for them to loiter, the couches for them to snooze on, the fridge to raid. And we loved every second of it.

It brought me genuine joy now that I could process it clearly.

Felix pulled out the chair beside him and wiggled a finger at me toward him. Giving him a small smile and a nod, I backed up to the fridge first to grab us drinks, not realizing Jisoo had beaten me there. She let out a quiet laugh as I bumped her with my back.

“So sorry,” I breathed, whipping myself around, taking an appropriate step back. Flashing me her heart shaped smile she shrugged it off.

“You’re good,” she pulled the fridge open and quizzed the selection with narrowed eyes, flashing me a look. “What are you drinkin’?”

Folding my hands over my front like they had been, I tilted my head and said, “I can grab it, don’t worry.”

A smirk grew on her pink lips as she eyed me. Reaching into the fridge she fumbled with a box for a second, then handed me a beer before grabbing two for herself. “Here, it’s Jeongin’s favorite, try it. We brought a whole case, he won’t miss one.” With a quick wink and a push of the fridge door, the crop top, jean wearing girl with long dark hair sauntered away, leaving me with an ice cold bottle of beer in my hand.

She’s lucky beer wouldn’t be my first choice.

It did look good though, the label talking about some brand new flavor supposed to be as crisp as ever… The brown tint of the bottle was all too familiar. It was a twist off, too. We didn’t have any bottle openers in the house. This one would pop right off in my hand. It’d be cold going down, and if the label told me the truth, it’d chill me out in seconds.

But, I didn’t need to be chill right now.

I was already chill.

She put this in my hand without knowing a thing. Our friends were allowed to bring their own drinks over, knowing we never kept any in the house, we allowed them to bring what they wanted as long as it left with them. No one offered me any, no one made a big deal over where to put them or whether or not they had to hide them.

I could control myself.

Changbin has lessened what he drinks around me, but I don’t force him to stop completely, he’s done that on his own. He tells me he’s started doing it for himself, but I know after watching me do what I’ve done I’m the reason why. Seungmin never really enjoyed drinking, but he’d have one occasionally if the day was special. Jeongin, the youngest of us all, compared to Changbin.

And Felix, he’s been sober since that one night at Haven where the two of us were first shoved within that tiny bathroom stall.

Opening this, drinking it, would undo three months. This is the longest I’ve gone without a single sip since I was probably fifteen years old. I felt proud of myself. It felt like a major accomplishment, and everyone around me seems to think so as well. On the date, Felix took me to dinner. Changbin and Yeri called, Seungmin stopped by before his nightshift, and Jeongin got to me a day or so after when he could make it by the house. He brought me pink frosted cupcakes and couldn’t stop hugging me.

I was going on month four. If it was to end with dinner with my boyfriend, phone calls and hugs from my best friends and pink frosted cupcakes… I wasn’t about to fuck it all up.

A deep, beautiful, lilted laugh from the table confirmed my decision.

I popped the beer back in the box and grabbed two cans of Sprite, then hightailed it over to my gorgeous boy. Pressing a kiss to his head, I cracked his open and slipped it into his hand. Amidst the chatter he glanced at it, smiled, then looked up at me.

This was what we’d bring each other in moments of gratitude. A reminder of all we’ve done, all we’ve been through, all we continue to get through, day by day. An ‘I love you’ of sorts.

Major props to Namjoon for suggesting we implement something special into our lives for occasions where words won’t give it justice. Something only Felix and I would understand.

Bending over halfway, my hair shielding his face from the room that paid no mind to us, I caught his smiling lips in a soft kiss, one that’d last me until the hours of night after our friends have gone, when I can finally take care of him in ways he always deserves.

Turns out he really is a good teacher.

“Got a question for you, better answer now!”

Changbin had a beer in his hand. On his feet, his chair pushed out from behind him, he held it in the air as the table sang back, “Yeah!”

Yeri sat backward, a hand covering her jaw as she laughed at her boyfriend, shamelessly singing along with him. Looking over at her Changbin pointed and shook his head.

“No, no!” he shouted, a shit eating grin on his face. “You’re the one who loves them so bad!” The three boys around the table were goners along with Yeri, unable to resist the energy Changbin filled the room with, their laughter loud and entertained. A smile rested on my lips, I didn’t sing along, but I was enjoying the show.

“Am I original?” Changbin leaned toward Yeri, acquiring his ‘Yeah!’ from the people who actually listened to this song. “Am I the only one?” Another ‘Yeah!’ sounded around the room, and with each word he closed in the space between him and Yeri. Then, he slipped around the back of her chair running a hand through her hair before he popped next to Felix, laying his head on his shoulder as he gave me a funny look. “Am I sexual?”

Raising my brows, my laughter finally cracked through, his aim of the game. I joined in the final ‘Yeah!’ and he shouted with glee. I wasn’t dumb, I knew who the Backstreet Boys were, Felix was obsessed with them much like Yeri was. He loved Kevin Richardson, or whatever his name was, which blew my mind because Nick Carter is right there. Not that I paid attention to it or anything.

“You like this song.” Felix’s smile still had the power to flip my stomach in cartwheels. Changbin hummed from his shoulder and pursed his lips.

“Do not,” I huffed, looking around the table. Jeongin sipped his beer and hummed the rest of the song to himself and Seungmin who took part in tapping the beat with his glass.

Changbin shared a devious look with Felix, Yeri giggling from her chair.

Together they both sang, “Rock your body right!”

Everyone sang, “Backstreets back…”

Lifting my gaze, planting it on my grinning, hopeful boyfriend, I raised my almost empty can and gave them what they wanted. “Alright!”

Felix lurched forward and grabbed onto my arms while Changbin held his up in triumph. “Hyunjin loves the Backstreet Boys!”

“Do not!” I sneered at my best friend, a smile pulling at my lips the entire time. Working his way back to his seat, Changbin finished his beer and shot me a glare.

“Do too, Mr. Nick Carter,” he said.

Seungmin smacked his hands together and laughed. “Are we shocked?” He gestured to Felix and the Aussie blushed. “He’s got a crush on that guy from Titanic, too.”

Felix giggled. “Leonardo DiCaprio.”

“Yeah, him,” Seungmin said, sitting back in his chair, folding his arms over his chest.

Jeongin narrowed his eyes, his attention on me. “Blondes,” he half whispered.

Holding up my hands, feeling my cheeks flush, I looked hurriedly from Felix to my friends in defense. “Whoa, whoa, hold up, I do not have a crush…” Felix took one of my hands in his.

“Darling,” he said, smooth as butter. My walls fell quick. “You have a type. And, you do have a crush on Leonardo DiCaprio. We went to see that movie in theatres three times, and I knew it wasn’t ‘cause it’s your new favorite love story.” He tried to copy my voice and got everyone to laugh.

Locked into his eyes, I nodded. “I do have a crush on Leonardo DiCaprio.” Felix danced a finger around my palm looking at me like a lost puppy.

“You do, don’t you?” he asked, and when I nodded again, our friends answered with laughter.

“That,” Changbin held out his beer toward us, gathering our attention. “I love that, when you do that.”

Jeongin snickered. “You mean when Felix makes him all gushy?” Seungmin and Yeri agreed.

Trying to shake his hands away I sat forward and furrowed my brows. “Hey!” I’d lost the bark in my tone over these last few months. Everyone will tell me it’s a good thing. “I do not get gushy, you jerks! I am still…” Seungmin cleared his throat and pointed to Felix with his eyes. Turning my head, Felix’s eyes were slightly wide, his brows somewhat flipped.

“Keep going,” he said softly. Sitting back, I shook my head a bit and reached for his hand. One graze of his thumb over the boney back of my hand and I was down for the count. Then, a smirk grew on his lips and he threw our friends a look of success. “Twice!” Laughter roared from every corner of the room.

Groaning, I took a hand to my forehead. I couldn’t hide my smile, I knew it, too. He had me wrapped around his finger. Leaning over to him as our friends tossed around the discussion some more, my lips ghosted his ear and I whispered to him a promise of what I’d do to him later if he stopped his teasing. I’d never seen him straighten out faster, his cheeks going pink.

The best part of it all, we were equally wrapped around each other's fingers.

“Who’s got a kid?” Jisoo called out as she rounded the corner into the kitchen from the dimly lit hall. Felix’s grip tightened on my hand ever so slightly, but it didn’t stop my heart from sinking into the floor. The girl wore an innocent smile, unable to read the room as she sat down beside her boyfriend, having only gotten up moments prior to use the restroom. Jeongin threw an arm around her shoulder, pulling her in, whispering paragraphs into her ear.

This poor girl must’ve not been briefed before she walked into the building. Her smile wiped away halfway through Jeongin’s lament.

Changbin held up his beer once more. “Mr. Hwang Hyunjin,” he said with pride. Yeri smacked his bicep, not that her tiny hands had any effect over his insane muscle.

Jisoo lifted a hand to her lips, her eyes going wide. “I’m so sorry,” she said, shaking her head, her gaze darting between Felix and I. Jeongin, lips pulled into his mouth, gave us an apologetic look. Seungmin simply refilled his water and watched everything go down. His eyes were heavy, he’d be leaving shortly if he wasn’t crashing on our couch.

To everyone's surprise, I was calm. Turning my chin to peek at my boyfriend who was studying me, I asked between us, “Jeonghan’s door is open?”

Tracing circles into my palm, Felix poked his tongue through his lips and bobbed his head. “I don’t think you closed it when you put his new clothes in there yesterday.”

The room was my choice. My decision. Everything that went on with it, my choice. I usually keep the door shut. These past few weeks I’ve been keeping it closed unless I’m going in to work on it, or add something, or fix something.

Most of his shelves were stocked now. Clothes, shoes, hats… Anything that made me think of him while I was out, I bought. He’s even got clothes for when he grows up, when he gets bigger. Some of my stuff is folded in his drawers, old clothes from middle school and high school I’d kept in my possession after all this time, just in case.

I never knew what for. I wasn’t sure why I held onto the stuff that could somehow hold meaning until he was born. June 8th, 1997, the day I knew he’d be getting everything I own, everything that meant something to me. He deserved it all.

When I had moved out of my house before college I didn’t think to take anything with me other than what I had, what I owned personally. So many things that belonged to my mother, even my father, were all left behind, and now it's one of my biggest regrets. I have some photos of my childhood, some photos with my mother, but I longed to have something that belonged to her. Either something she wore, or something she loved.

Felix would reassure me and tell me how I am what she loved, and that’s enough, but I had plans to reach out to my family, her family, just one more time. Her younger sister, Jihyo, had to have something. If she did, Jeonghan would one day get that too.

Jeonghan. The name of my grandfather. My mother’s father. Essentially the man who saved me by sending me to college, getting me through years of school. The man who gave me my mother. Another regret… Not spending more time with him, or putting the effort in to see him more. Sometimes I wonder if my mother never got with my father would our story be different. She was raised on and around love, and ended up with him anyway.

Throughout this whole therapy process it’s been fun and somewhat bittersweet to learn how much I am exactly like her.

I don’t want to know what she'd have to say about my situation now.

I feel like I can hear her when the days go quiet.

Get that baby back.

Don’t you leave that girl alone with your child, he’s yours too.

You can do this. You can make it through this.

Fight for him.

There wasn’t a day in my life that I’d ever think about one day becoming a father. It was never in the plan. And, when I didn’t have a plan, it was never a thought. Who in their right mind would want to have a child with me? Two years ago, who would want to have a child with me?

And so, she did.

It was last January, 1997, I was here in the house on the couch sipping on a cocktail beside Felix with the radio playing and the phone rang. I was too tipsy to get up and logically answer the phone, so Felix did it. The call lasted no more than thirty seconds, and he appeared in the doorway to the living room like he’d seen a ghost.

He had told me it was Changbin, and that he had just spoken to Chan. Bahng Chan, Jade’s best friend. He took my glass from my hand and sat next to me, taking my arms in his hold. Chan had spoken with Han, who had spoken to Minho. Jade was pregnant, and she didn’t know who the father was.

Apparently it had taken them a while to get a hold of us, and to this day I don’t know how much of that reigns true. If they hadn’t gone through the grapevine in true Jade and Minho fashion they would’ve gotten to us straight away. Then I learned it had something to do with the both of them not wanting to deal with me. At the time, even through my drunk blindness I could see how immature that was.

A week or so later I met Minho face to face for the first time since he tried to kill me, though he’ll say that wasn’t the case. Jade had accompanied him, and Felix accompanied myself. In a doctor's office, bright, white and sterile, I couldn’t look at her. I didn’t speak two words to her, and it wasn’t because I was hungover. Stunned by the whole idea that this child could belong to me, the one that already made a little bump in her belly… I couldn’t fathom it.

That night Felix almost had to take me back to the emergency room.

And so, he was mine!

Now, one would think she’d take the easy way out here and do what she had to do to be rid of me like I longed to be rid of her. Why would she do this knowing that for eighteen years we’d be connected? We hadn’t seen each other in five months, and sure they weren’t awesome five months, but they were better than they were. Not having to see or deal with one another was the best thing to happen to us.

Not for nothing, her boyfriend tried to take me out.

But, that wasn’t the case!

Things were a mess until he was born, and even after he was born things were a mess. Nothing got better until this summer. Three months ago. After two years of me only hearing things through phone calls she’d have with Felix we were standing side by side in the parking lot of the grocery store down the street from Haven. I was a tad tipsy, it was a bad time. I had bottles in a bag and I was about to get into the driver's seat and take myself home.

I can understand why she’s been the way that she’s been.

Jade tried to hand me over a child support agreement from her lawyer that she pulled out of her front seat. I didn’t even hear one word of her reasoning, or why she was attempting to involve me when she had been going through Felix all this time. In fact, I said that to her. Angry, I yelled. Alcohol in my system didn’t really help my case. I ripped the paper in half and threw it on the ground. Once I was in my car, the bottles in the passenger seat, I swallowed my nausea and broke down. I sat in the parking lot and cried for an hour.

That’s when I realized I was ready to move the fuck on.

To grow the fuck up.

Only three months ago.

Jeonghan had a room, and I took care of it. Felix helped me when I asked and in turn would offer me a hand if it seemed I needed one- which was often. I could count on both hands how many times he’s snuck his way into the sky blue bedroom quietly and wrapped his arms around my waist and laid himself along my back to hold me while I cried.

He read me the instructions when I was forty five minutes deep into building the crib that would flip into a bed whenever Jeonghan grew big enough. Felix left me in the room alone when I started to take the box apart, though I’d catch him tiptoeing by the door every so often. It wasn’t until I was on the floor, hair tied back tight, holding two different pieces of the baby’s furniture that he decided to slip inside and start reading aloud where to put what.

Over the last three months I’ve put together a space for him I was proud of. To do it with Felix made it all the more special.

It’s been over a year. My priorities are straight.

I could be a dad.

I want to be a dad.

Felix would make a great one. Leading by his example, I’m sure I could too.

The house was vacant just shortly after ten o’clock. Seungmin took himself home an hour before everyone else, by the time Changbin was on his seventh song he could barely keep his head up. Thankfully he lived close by or else I’d be offering a ride home. Yeri ushered Changbin into their car before anything by Tupac could come out his mouth.

The poor guy wasn’t over it.

We fear he never will be.

With a kiss on Felix’s and I’s cheeks Yeri took him home, asking us to wish her luck, making sure the rest of her boyfriend's bottles were in his possession before they pulled away. Jeongin did the same while Jisoo held a gentle touch to my arm and spewed endless apologies for her fumble at the dinner table. The sweetest girl, she admitted her ignorance, that things between her and Innie were brand new and that she was trying her best to impress us.

Felix, accompanying Jeongin around the kitchen straightening things up, gathering their case of drinks, shot us a couple smiles. It wasn’t everyday I held up a conversation with someone I didn’t know for longer than a month or so. Jisoo seemed to care, and with how she latched onto Jeongin’s arm and fluttered her lashes toward him when he took to her side, I accepted that she was alright.

“You are in trouble for letting me do those things,” she said to him.

Jeongin, eyes shooting open wide, gestured between her and I. “I didn’t… It’s just that’s his business, I didn’t know… How am I in trouble? I was-”

“No one is in trouble,” I smiled at them both. “She’s cool,” I had said to Jeongin. “If she’s sticking around she can know.” Felix later gently scolded me for potentially beginning a lovers spat between the two. Flashing him a mischievous grin I pulled at his lip with my thumb and kissed him like I’d been longing to all night.

Though it didn’t last long.

We had a kitchen to clean and a house to put back together. Dishes were washed and dried while he sung the goddamned Backstreet Boys to himself, and the floors were swept and the table was wiped while I swallowed my smile, not letting him know how much I really fucking loved hearing him sing the goddamned Backstreet Boys to himself. Dancing around one another, moving in perfect rhythm to reset our lives that were happily disheveled for the evening, we ended up down our hallway in front of Jeonghan’s bedroom. The open door I forgot to close after I put his new clothes away in his drawers.

This was normal.

One of us, usually me, is standing here, staring into the vacant space, wondering when he’d come around to fill it. Live in it. Wondering when I’d be allowed to show it to him. Allowed to bring him here, bring him into our life, teach him, hold him.

She wouldn’t let me have him.

And not one part of me could blame her.

“She doesn’t hear anything you tell her,” I mumbled, leaning into Felix’s touch at my side.

Felix pressed a kiss to my shoulder. “Keep talking.”

“I hear you on the phone,” I continued, gazing at the blue striped sheets on the mattress in the chestnut wood crib. “Leaving messages, even talking to him. Neither of them believe you.”

Taking a deep breath, keeping his hand over my back, Felix said, “A lot has happened. They weren’t here next to you throughout this last year.”

“No, they weren’t,” I spat, looking down at him. “They were playing house with my son.”

“Hyunjin,” Felix said, tone steady. “He’s Jade’s son, too.” He may as well have reached into my chest, grabbed my heart, and squeezed it until it stopped beating. I knew he didn’t mean it. He was the voice of reason, my voice of reason, why I’ve been keeping such a good track record lately. “She’s his mother.”

A sigh fell from my lips, one in relation with a cry. “I wanna be his dad.”

Gripping the fabric of my shirt Felix gave me the tiniest smile, then lured me into our bedroom. “I know, darling,” he whispered.

Moving in the quiet, the peace, we readied ourselves for bed, handsy as ever without a single word spoken as we brushed our teeth and washed our faces. Like clockwork, after I took my hair down, he gave me the little white pill from the tall orange bottle in the medicine cabinet and kissed the back of my hand after I’d taken it. Lacing his fingers in mine he pulled me to the bed and threw the covers back, the two of us cozying up in the center, a plethora of pillows surrounding us now that mine lived here too.

“The last time I spoke with Rachel,” our lawyer we’ve been working with, “She told me that in another month they’d revisit… All of it.” Felix laid himself over my side, his cheek fitting perfectly into the valley where my neck meets my shoulder. “It’s been a month. I’ve been sober longer than that. You’ve told them that.” He tilted his chin to look at me, his eyebrows a bit low. “You told them that, the last time they called. When… Yesterday?”

Felix was our middle man. He had to be our middle man. Jade refused to talk directly with me, but she had to contact us somehow. He’s given them so much advice, so much of our money, and he’s heard updates about Jeonghan that he’d relay to me if I was in a good mood. Curious how she’d keep the child away from me, but then slip things to Felix in a hushed voice as if she was hiding it from her fiance.

“They still have a lot to work through, Hyunjin,” Felix said. “For them it’s been over a year.”

“Okay?!” I huffed. Too harshly I might add, because Felix moved when my chest rose. “A year ago I had a foot in the grave.” He didn’t say anything. Instead, he looked back up at me, and I down at him. “They have a lot to work through,” I sighed.

“They do, give them time.” Felix kissed my shoulder. “You’ve been doing a really, really good job, Hyunjin. Give yourself some credit.”

Three months was good. I felt good. All of the people in my life agreed.

I have been doing a good job.

I just prayed it’d all be worth it.

“You’ve put together his room so that when the time comes you’re prepared,” Felix’s voice fell to a whisper. Gazing down at his loving brown eyes, I couldn’t fight back my smile. “He’s got bath toys waiting for him under the bathroom sink. Sippy cups in the cabinets.”

I was prepared. We were ready. We could do this.

“We need a high chair,” I breathed, lurching forward, turning over so I was facing him.

Felix giggled, the sound painting my cheeks pink. “We’ll get one. We can go this week.” He smoothed a hand over my cheek and drug his thumb beneath my bottom lashes.

“Thursday?”

“Thursday.”

Graco. Graco. Graco.

The aisles stretched on for miles. Felix kept up with my pace at my side, his hands in the pockets of his jeans. Boots squeaking on the scuffed tile of the store's floor, I messed with the long sleeves of my black shirt and darted my eyes across the shelves, dodging the occasional mother with a hoard of children surrounding her.

We’ve nearly circled the entire store, after being in this building only two other times, I had no idea where to go. I wanted the best. Jeonghan had to have the best.

“Y’all need some help?” A woman asked Felix and I as we turned around a corner into an aisle full of bottles and kitchen stuff. Scanning the things hanging along the walls, I sighed, and Felix stepped around me, his sunshine charm overcoming her.

With a soft smile he asked, “Do you happen to carry those Graco high chairs?”

Her short brown bob that curled perfectly beneath her cheerful cheeks bounced with delight as she nodded. “‘Course we do, hon. They’re all anyone wants right now, but you might not find them out here.” She gestured around her. “Let me give you a hand, follow me.” Bustling by, she had to turn her chin almost all the way up to smile at me.

Prime customer service. I wasn’t on the receiving end of an uneasy look. Felix got the smiles, the random extroverts swarming to his side if we were out and about. I usually lingered behind like some kind of shadow until he’d decide whether or not the person was worthy of our time, then he’d pull me into the conversation.

This lady, no older than forty, in a red dress with strappy sandals on her feet didn’t seem to care. Her smile was friendly. She could see me.

“Who’re we looking for?” Asking us questions as we weaved through the aisles toward the back of the store, Felix and I shared a few looks as her curiosity strangled us. “Baby shower gift? Who’s having the little one?”

Approaching a quieter part of the store, I gulped and pressed my hands to my jeans. “For my son,” I said, and my heart leapt out of my chest. A smile pricked my lips as the woman turned with a grin on her cheeks. Felix, looking between us, wore pride on his face. Though I watched him try to hide it.

“How wonderful,” she said. Taking us through a makeshift wall of boxes, she gestured up toward a few Graco high chairs on the top of the piles of other brands, a place only I’d be able to reach. “Thank goodness you’re here,” she laughed, holding her hands up to spot me as I shimmied it off the wobbling towers. Light in my arms, I shifted the box to my hip and shrugged, unsure of what to say.

“Can’t tell you how often he has to do that for me,” Felix laughed, which in turn made the woman laugh as well. “Thank you for the help.”

“No worries,” she said, eyes flickering from Felix to me. “So, where is the little guy?”

Blinking, I glanced around at the other boxes and names of brands that were somewhat familiar to me now, I said, “Probably at home with his mom.”

“Probably,” the woman let out a single laugh. She was trying to make jokes, I knew she was, but that didn’t stop it from making me anxious. “Don’t you know where your son is?” I could hear it in her voice. It was a joke. A joke. She didn’t know what happened. She didn’t know me at all. Felix rubbed a hand over his jaw, his head turning from me to her, waiting.

“Uh,” I stammered, looking away from her as I said, “His mom and I aren’t… together.”

She was unphased. Without missing a beat she said, “Oh, I see, so this is for your place.” Intaking a breath, I nodded my head. Felix crossed his arms over his chest. “Listen, I get it. My sister had a baby with a boy she went to school with. They were both young, yanno? They were a disaster. They couldn’t have one conversation civilly, it was argument city, I swear.” Gulping, electricity sparked in my veins.

As if Felix could feel it, he took a step closer to me all while trying to be polite and listen to this woman's life story. She made herself comfy, leaning against one of the boxes.

“My sister, God bless her, she thinks she’s better than everyone,” she rolled her eyes. “I liked the guy, sure it was unconventional and our mother was mortified, but he was nice. It wasn’t his fault he was swamped with school, trying to work, and now having a child on top of it all. They got married, and he tried so hard, but my sister, she wasn’t having any of it. Poor guy couldn’t hold a job because he was so busy, so she took the kid away from him.”

I couldn’t feel my breath through my lips. “Where is he now?”

“I still see him around from time to time, he’s stayed in the area for the time being,” she shrugged. “He’s doing alright, but I think he’s waiting for her to come back. I saw him a couple of weeks ago, he’s living in Delo. We caught up at the grocery store, he asked me how I was, he asked me how his kid was…”

Felix took a hand through his hair, spinning in a small, slow circle. He wanted this to be over, I could feel the energy coming off of him.

“Did you tell him?” I asked.

“Yeah, but I didn’t have much to say,” she said, adjusting a dangling earring hanging from her left ear. “My sister moved into Tamoe when his daughter was, like, five. She’s dating someone else now, she’s barely talked to any of us, her family, since she moved. Can’t even tell you the amount of guys she’s tried to be with between him and the poor sap she’s got now. He’s got a kid, too. She can barely handle one, can’t wait to see what happens when she’s dealing with two of them.”

“He has no idea, the… the daughter's father?”

She shrugged. “I told him everything. He deserved to know whatever I could give him. That’s his flesh and blood. Like I said, he’s a good guy. A good guy who bad things have happened to.”

My blood ran cold.

“Thank you for this,” Felix cut in, taking the highchair from my arms. The woman gave him a pleasantry in response and propped a hand on her hip. “Ready, darling?” Looking up at me, stepping almost in front of my gaze that had fallen to the floor, empty, Felix tried to smile.

Looking to the woman before turning on my heels, I caught her curious eyes trying to figure us out.

Once we checked out I darted from the store with Felix again trying to keep up with my pace. I could feel the lightning in my veins. Sick to my stomach, I couldn’t stop myself.

“Do we want to stop by Jihyo’s today? We’re closeby, we can head there now and then get lunch somewhere?”

My lips were glued shut.

“She said she’s got clothes and stuff, I know that,” Felix continued, placing the box into the trunk I opened for him. It was a small space, the trunk of the blue sports car I had revived back to life, but thankfully it fit. “Beomgyu’s grown out of everything,” his laugh didn’t make me smile this time, “And, she has toys on toys he doesn’t want anymore.” He looked at me with the sweetest grin. “Toys she said he wants to give to his baby cousin. It’d be nice to go see them, Jungkook was asking for you.” That kid had a bit of my mom in him, too. Jihyo and my mother were almost identical. Seven years between them, they were best friends. Raised as best friends. She never got to meet her nephews. It was up to me to bring her to them, my responsibility to keep that bond there. Unlike my failure with my grandfather, I intended to do my best with Jihyo and her kids, but I didn’t make any promises. Part of me knows that Jihyo knows that.

But, I mean, Beomgyu was adorable. An ankle biter that screamed when he spoke. Jungkook was a cool kid, too, and hearing he was asking for me filled me with some sort of joy. They didn’t have their father around, so it really was up to me to stick around. It wasn’t my intention to fill that role, I didn’t want to act as a father to them, but within these last three months I’ve learned what a huge hole it is that I’m filling for them.

One that I wanted with my own son.

“Please don’t internalize anything that woman was saying,” Felix breathed as we slipped into the car. “I didn’t think we’d get a life story today. Don’t internalize it.”

“I’m not,” I grumbled.

Felix tugged his seatbelt over his chest and shot me a look. “I know that face, Hyunjin.”

Clicking my own belt into place, I started the car and tried to smile at him. The sarcasm was evident. “She could take him.”

“Court won’t let her do that,” Felix said, always ready with the facts that seemed to slip my brain. “She can’t move far away from you. She’s got full custody, but you still have some boundaries.” His voice lowered drastically. “You didn’t give everything up.”

I scoffed. “I was drunk when I gave it all up.”

“And now you’re not,” he added quickly. “Now you can think clearly. That story that lady told us is not you. It’s not going to happen to you.”

“Felix, they’re engaged already!” I snapped, throwing my hands up. “What the fuck do you think happens next! She’s never wanted to stay here, around here. Minho, either. The two of them are probably already thinking about getting on a plane.”

“Take a deep breath,” he said, calm as ever. “Please. Let’s talk this out.”

A scary feeling I didn’t like roiled in my gut. Jade could take him and run. I could lose him forever, and with what the court already knows about me, it wasn’t looking good. My fingers gripped the steering wheel as I backed out of the parking spot and started for the road. Everything Felix was saying was going in one ear and out the other, I couldn’t hold onto any of it.

She was going to take my son.

She was going to take Jeonghan away from me.

“The next time you go to court everything will be revised. All of it.” Felix truly was incredible. His voice never shook. Always level headed, he looked at things realistically. Something I could never do. “They’ll see the progress you’ve made, we’ll bring everything with us, and maybe they’ll reconsider visitation.”

At a stop sign, I waited for pedestrians to cross the street, then mumbled, “Mm, visitation. Good idea.”

I turned the other way, away from our home. Felix sat forward.

“Don’t you dare, you take us home,” he said. “I’ll call her when we get there.” I kept going. None of what he said got through to me. I was driving to Minho’s. “Hyunjin, this is not the way to do this. You’ll put yourself in a deeper hole. You want things to get better, you leave them alone and let your lawyers do their part. But, in order for that to happen, you have to do your part.”

I couldn’t help myself. Blind with sickness, deaf to all worries.

I didn’t even know if anyone would be home, I hadn’t been here in years.

Pulling up into the driveway next to the Range Rover that ruined my life, they were home.

A conversation. I just needed to talk to her.

Felix tried and tried to keep me in the car. But, I couldn’t stop.

Slamming the door shut I hurried for the stairs, but the back door to Minhos flew open before I could get up a single one.

“What the fuck do you want, Hyunjin?” Jade spat, her stance wide at the top of the stairs as if she was trying to block me from barging inside. Looking up at her from the ground, I drug my tongue across my bottom lip and tried to smile.

Three months was a long time. I looked different than the last time she saw me, more aware. She’d be able to tell I was better, doing better.

She looked good. Beautiful, as usual. Her cheeks were a tad fuller, her hair tied back, but still flowing with life, and she wore her pajamas. I’ve interrupted a quiet morning. My heart squeezed. She was glowing. A mother.

Tucking a piece of hair behind my ear, I grabbed onto both railings and lifted a foot to the bottom stair, hoping to appear as casual as possible. She copied me, planting her hands on the railings. Eyebrows low, living right above her bright eyes, she was angry.

“Answer the question,” she spat, her eyes going sharp.

“Not even a hello,” I sighed, feeling the jerk come out of me. Trying to will it away, I kept trying to smile. “You’ve changed.” It fell from my lips before I could stop it.

“I haven’t heard from you in three months, you don’t deserve a hello,” she said. Twisting my brows in confusion, I gave her a look. She’s spoken with Felix weekly. She’s heard about us, about me. “What the fuck do you want, before I call the cops.”

Narrowing my eyes, I tilted my head to the side and whispered, “I want my son.”

A loud, humorless cackle of disbelief escaped her. Tossing her head backward, she sighed heavily and couldn’t hide her fury that manifested as a maniacal grin.

“You’re unbelievable,” she said.

“I want my son,” I said a bit louder, tightening my grip on the posts. She was laughing, and I was totally serious.

“Then you should’ve called the judge,” she threw in my face. “Three months, Hyunjin. Thats a lot of time to miss, you broke the fucking agreement, and now you show up without permission, which is also against the agreement, and demand me to give you my son.”

My son.

She was going to take him.

“Our lawyers alway said that if we could work it out on our own we wouldn’t need to go to court,” I said, confusion laced in my voice. Her fingers dug into the wooden posts.

“I’m dealing with you, I have to go to court,” she grilled. “My son is a year and three months old. He's going to start recognizing who is and isn’t around.”

“That’s why I’m here,” I shrugged. Groaning audibly, she laughed again.

“It’s damaging, Hyunjin,” Jade shook her head. “You come around every few months like he’s a dog who’ll be excited to see you no matter how long you’ve been gone. He's a baby, this shit is psychologically damaging and I won’t let it happen to my son.”

“Our son,” I smized, knowing the words would get under her skin. The jerk was here. If she was going to take him, this is how it would be. “Jeonghan. You named him after my grandfather. My mother’s father.” She hardened her glare and clenched her jaw.

A laugh came from the house, the door behind Jade. A baby’s laugh, Jeonghan’s laugh, my sons laugh. The most beautiful sound I think I’ve ever heard.

He wasn’t in the house alone. Of course he wasn’t, babies couldn’t be left alone. Minho was here. This was his house. Jeonghan was in there, laughing with the guy who walked away from me while I was unconscious on the floor. Because of him.

“Oh, wow, he’s actually home?” I scoffed. “Thought he took any chance he could get to go to work. I heard flirting with customers for tips doesn’t make you much.”

“You should really get your facts straight before you try to piss me off,” she said, firing back quickly, raising her brows. “Where do you get your information from? Minho hasn’t worked at the bar for like six months.” Prodding my cheek with my tongue, I shook his head and glanced away.

He was in there with him.

“Let me have him, I’ll bring him back tomorrow,” I said, shifting only my eyes over to her. The buzzing beneath my skin threatened to bubble over.

She grinned and nodded toward the car. “You even have a carseat? A crib? Bottles? Formula? Maybe a stroller?” Opening my mouth to speak, she cut me right off. “What do you even need him for? You didn’t want him!”

Slamming my fists into the posts, I wanted to scream, and I did.

“What if I want him now, dammit?!”

Horrible idea, really.

The door creaked open behind her, and he came out. With Jeonghan in his arms. A bottle was in his mouth, he was holding it himself all cozy in Minho’s hold, fitting right in the hook of his arm.

“What’s going on?” Minho asked, looking down at me with disgust.

Jeonghan. My baby.

Dark hair brushed over his head. His cheeks were soft, squeezable, and how I longed to get my hands on them. He was awake, alert, his deep brown eyes looking up at Minho, the man who’s been, hopefully, caring for him the last year.

“I don’t appreciate the noise,” Minho nearly growled. “Especially while there’s children present.”

Snapping out of my gaze, I rolled his eyes.

“It’s ten in the fucking morning,” I said, glaring at him.

“Language?” Minho furrowed his brows.

“Please, you live with this one,” I pointed to Jade, “She’s no fucking Mary Poppins. When did you get so soft, Min?”

Titling my head to the side, I smirked. I forced our past out through my glare, reminding him of all he’s done with one singular look in milliseconds.

“A lot changes when you become a father,” Minho narrowed his eyes. “But I don’t need to explain, you already get it, don’t you?”

Stepping up onto the bottom stair, I opened my mouth, ready to unload his life before him and Jade, vocally express what he did to me, because I know the sweetest, most awesome little fun fact.

Jade has no recollection of what he had done to me.

She doesn’t know.

The man holding our son wrapped his hands around my neck, obstructed my fucking airway until I was out cold. Then, from what I’ve heard, Chan grabbed him and took him away. Minho left me there. Chan ended up coming back, that good guy curse, and checked in with Seungmin to make sure I was breathing. Then, he was gone.

Minho left me there.

Jade left me there.

She didn’t know.

The passenger door of the car slammed shut, gathering everyone's attention from the porch.

“Hyunjin,” Felix called out to me. “Let’s go.” He shared a look with Jade, as if he was apologizing to her. My heart began to crack in two, more than it had when Minho brought Jeonghan out to the porch.

“Really?” Jade frowned.

Felix shrugged. “I’m sorry,” he said, giving his head a small shake. “I tried to stop this.”

“Always,” I groaned, rolling my head backward. “You always have to take her side.” Felix took three steps closer to me, folding his arms.

“I do.” Looking back at Jade, his eyes flickered to Jeonghan for a second, a breath corrupting him, then he looked back to Jade. “Y’okay?”

“Be a lot better if I had a warning,” she said. Closing his eyes, Felix shrugged and shook his head again.

“We weren’t coming here,” Felix muttered, sending a glare toward me, but I was grilling him right back. “Let’s go. I told you how to go about this, this isn’t it. I’m driving us home.”

Behind Jade the baby cooed and shifted himself around in Minho’s arms to look where Felix’s voice was coming from. The bottle fell from his lips, Minho catching it quickly before it rolled onto the ground.

Jeonghan lifted a finger and pointed toward Felix, uttering a quiet, “Who?”

It was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen.

I could see his whole face now.

God, he was my mom.

He was me.

But, he wore Jade in his face, his shape.

Sharing a look with Minho, she took a breath and said, “That’s Felix.”

“Vee-liss,” Jeonghan tried to repeat, making Minho chuckle and my stomach roll. His inquisitive little eyes scanned his surroundings, and once they found Jade he reached out his arms. “Mama,” he cooed.

Mama.

I felt like melting to the ground.

She scooped him into her arms and swapped her smile for a cold glare when she looked down at me.

He was… everything. I couldn’t take my eyes away from him.

No words could begin to describe the foreign warmth in my chest.

“He's beautiful,” I whispered, not wanting to disturb his peace as he looked around the yard.

Sighing, Jade nodded.

“He looks like you,” I said, pulling my eyes away from the baby for half a second to look up at her.

She scoffed and pulled a silly face. “Not in the slightest.”

I laughed, and Jeonghan searched for me. His big eyes met mine for the first time.

Breath hitching in my throat, I smiled at him.

He lifted a finger to point at me and asked, “Who?”

A lump formed in my throat.

My own flesh and blood.

Jade gulped.

No one seemed to be able to speak aside from the one year old.

“Who?” He asked again, looking to Jade for instruction.

“Jinnie,” she muttered as Jeonghan was about to ask for the third time.

Placing one hand on her shoulder and the other over her heart, Jeonghan looked at me and gave me a once over. I wanted to laugh, but I shoved it away.

“Chi-nny,” Jeonghan said.

“That’s me,” I breathed.

“Chi-nny, well, Mama,” he said, his tone sad, laying his head down on Jade's shoulder.

“Time to go inside,” Minho suggested, smoothing a hand over both of their backs. Eyeing his hand on Jeonghan's back, I furrowed my brows.

“Why?” I asked.

“Jinnie, yell, Mama,” Jade repeated clearly for me to hear, bobbing her head with a sureness.

“What!” I screwed his face up in confusion, raising my voice.

“He remembers you,” she shrugged.

I sucked in a breath. “Remembers… me?”

She rolled her eyes and said, “We were in the parking lot of the grocery store. I was picking up his birthday cake, you were visiting the liquor store next door.” I broke my gaze and looked at the stairs. “It was the first time in a long time I’d caught you, so I tried to give you the paperwork.”

“You took it from her, ripped it to pieces and screamed in her face,” Minho added. “While this one watched from the window.”

Jeonghan turned around to look at Minho, a grin breaking out onto his chubby cheeks. “Dada,” he cooed, holding out a hand toward him.

What?

Whipping my head up in a flash, I burned my eyes into Minho’s.

“Really?” I grit my teeth. “Kid calls you Dada? I’m half of him, and I get Jinnie?”

“Hyunjin,” Felix said, taking three more steps toward the stairs. “Let’s go.”

I took a step, getting closer as I rose on the stairs. Behind Jade, Minho pulled her aside, taking her place at the top of the staircase. His arms fanned out to hold onto the railings, asserting his dominance.

“You don’t deserve that title,” Minho grilled, narrowing his eyes. “And last time I checked, you aren’t listed on the birth certificate, did you forget about that?”

I did. I was drunk.

I shot Jade a glare, Jeonghan watching me from her hip.

“Did you forget the kid’s a product of her cheating on you?” My expression broke out into a grin. “Remember that?” I took another step up the porch, and just before I was eye level with Minho, who’s temper was rising by the millisecond, Felix was grabbing onto my wrist.

Minho’s grip on the railings relaxed, color returning to his knuckles as he said, “You’ve gone soft, Jinnie.” Teasing me with his own words, the nickname, what Jade used to call me, stabbed me in the chest. “Felix wear the pants now?” he said while Felix pulled me down to the grass. Felix hit him with a glare.

“Sorry, Lix,” Minho said softly after a look to Jade, shaking his head.

Felix wrapped an arm around my back and parted his lips to speak, until a car whizzing down the street took the scene. It came to a screeching stop at the curb.

He needs to get that fixed. Chan.

“Wonderful,” I chuckled, grabbing onto Felix.

The car door slammed shut behind him, his expression angry, on defense as he started up the lawn.

Felix sighed in frustration.

“We’re leaving,” he raised his voice, holding a hand up to Chan.

“Damn right you’re leaving,” Chan said, puffing his chest, stopping beside my car.

Jeonghan shouted, “ANNIE!”

Snapping my neck, he was sitting up in Jade’s arms holding his out to Chan. Angry Chan waiting for us by the car, who was here to see angry Minho standing on the porch with my son. Jade was angry, too. They were all so angry.

Felix pulled me to the car. I couldn’t feel my fingers, or my face.

We were leaving, and Jeonghan was staying here with these angry people.

“Let me get the door for ya,” Chan snickered, yanking the passenger door of the sports car open. Felix ignored him.

Gripping the edge of the door, resisting Felix’s attempt to sit me down, I frowned, watching the porch. My baby was up there, and I was leaving him here.

“Darling, in the car, please,” Felix whispered to me. “I promise you, we will fix this. I promise. But, I need you to get in the car.”

“Need some help?” Chan questioned, rounding the door to grab onto my arms, yanking them off of the door.

I snapped.

Tearing my eyes of off my son I pushed Chan away by the chest. The smirk he wore spurred me on. Throwing a hand back, somewhat of a fist, I tossed it toward him, but he caught it, and he laughed.

Flinching, Felix groaned and shoved Chan backward himself with his hip.

“Fuck off!” he shouted at him. “Chan, fuck off!”

Holding his hands up, Chan smized and took two steps back.

“I like this Felix,” he said. “Control your man, yeah? You leave my family alone.”

He got me in the car.

I couldn’t breathe.

Felix got in the car, and took my hand. “Deep breaths.”

Wet hair dangled on my bare shoulders where I sat at the kitchen table with a cup of green tea in front of me. Feet tucked up onto the chair, my arms were wrapped around my sweats, my chin resting on a knee while my gaze rested on the table.

Felix moved about the kitchen, putting dinner together for us to share.

He didn’t sing.

We didn’t talk about what happened. The drive home was silent, aside from my breaths. When we arrived home he helped me out of the car and into the house. We spent too much time on the couch, me buried in his chest, sobbing.

I felt stupid.

It was stupid, no matter what positive affirmation Namjoon or Felix wanted to feed me.

What the fuck was I thinking?

After a shower, I found myself here.

“I’m sorry,” I said, interrupting the peace that had made itself comfortable around us.

Felix glanced up from the counter. “Don’t be,” he said. “You’re allowed to hurt.”

“But…” Sighing, I dropped a leg to the floor and sat up, stretching a hand across the table to hold onto the warm mug of tea. Felix watched me grab it and take a sip.

“Tell me,” he said when I put the mug down, recognizing I’d need help pushing the words out.

“I shouldn’t… Shouldn’t have lost my temper,” I said, meeting his gaze. “I should’ve listened to you. Shouldn’t have gone there, at all.”

Felix pursed his lips, focusing back on his work at the counter. “Do you regret it?”

Thinking to myself, I placed a finger between my teeth and glanced about the room, his house that was turning into ours as the days passed by. I shook my head. “I don’t. Is that horrible?” He didn’t answer, he only encouraged me to keep going with a smile. “I liked it when you used to tell me what I was feeling, and if it was wrong.” Dropping my chin, I shot him a look out my lashes and he laughed.

“You have to tell me, darling,” he shrugged. “I’m not allowed to do that anymore. You know what you’re feeling, you know if it’s wrong. Though…” his voice trailed off, and he danced his gaze upward in thought, “If you care so passionately about something, and you’re fighting for it… I don’t see how it’d be so horrible.”

The smile that found my lips made him roll his eyes. “Thank you.”

He jutted the knife in his hand toward me. “That was not me telling you how to feel.”

“Sure,” I winked, and the knife almost fell to the floor. He caught it, flustered, and brushed the moment off with a gentle laugh.

Standing to my feet, I made it a point to drink more of the tea Felix had made me before I took myself to his side, dragging a finger over the back of his hand that worked the knife. He paused, smiling, and gave me a look over his shoulder. My eyes, glued to his hands, avoided his. Wrapping my other arm around his front, I stood behind him and rested my weight against his back, letting my hand live over his, working with his as one.

Laying my cheek to his hair, I basked in his warmth, allowing my other hand to slip beneath his shirt, resting over his belly, keeping him close to me.

“Twenty seconds,” I whispered, and he stopped moving altogether.

Without another word he had spun around in my arms, slipping his around my shoulders, yanking me into his grasp. His fingers slid into my hair, keeping us pressed cheek to cheek until I dropped my head and buried it into his neck, my hands pressing into the small of his back. I could feel him taking deep breaths, the steady beat of his heart keeping mine in the same rhythm. Soon enough I was breathing in time with him.

Twenty seconds came and went, but we didn’t move.

Not until the phone rang.

Felix expressed his disappointment with a sigh as I pulled away. His brown eyes, shinier now that they were full of tears, gave me the sappiest look.

Tipping my chin down, I placed a finger beneath his and lifted his lips to my own. “I love you,” I whispered, my heart erupting into flames within my chest.

Felix kissed me one more time, smiling. “I love you.”

Leaving him for the phone, the loss of his warmth killing me internally, he turned himself toward the counter to continue his work. A steady hum started to come out of him. I prayed he’d start to sing.

Lifting the phone off the wall opposite Felix, I rested my hip against the counter and pressed it to my ear. “Hello?” I asked, voice more lifted than before as I took in the view of Felix’s backside. A smile found my lips when he began to bop his head to his own voice.

“Hello? Hyunjin?”

The phone nearly slipped from my grip.

“Jade?” I choked out. Felix whirled himself around, eyes wide.

“Yeah, Jinnie, it’s me.” Her voice was quiet, and partially broken. Felix was by my side in seconds with an open hand.

“H-hang on, Felix is here, here, I’ll give-”

“No.” She cut me clean off, stopping me. “I want to talk to you. I need to talk to you.”

~ july 5th, 2021 ~

“You should not have come with me,” I muttered as I pulled my car up to a stone edged curb where dozens of other SUVs were parked. The unnecessarily big house was decorated in pink balloons, streamers and banners alike. Music pumped from the backyard, we could hear it over our radio. An offended sort of laugh came out of my son.

“What are you talking about?” Jeonghan’s eyes bugged out of his head as he yanked off his seatbelt. “I know these people.”

Grinding my teeth I followed suit and took my belt off, shutting the car off and opening my door. Sure enough, a song from the latest popstar at the height of her career poured into the car from the yard full of people. Their chatter could also be heard from here.

“Yeah, but there’s a lot of people,” I narrowed my eyes. Clenching his jaw, his mother came out of him. At least my appearance still reigned superior. Paired with his dark brown hair pulled into a bun on the back of his head, he would forever be my twin. “This is always a toss up.”

Jeonghan pulled his lips tight. “He’s my cousin. I’ve seen this happen before. I’ve had to do this without you before. I’d rather be here with you then have you come alone.”

Taking a breath, I almost had one of those I can’t believe he came from me moments. Felix had taught him so much. I, me, myself, I’ve taught him so much. Even his mother and his stepfather, as much as I still hate to admit it to this day. Looking over my shoulder, taking into account what cars were here and which ones weren’t, I gave him a nod.

“Okay, thank you,” I said. “Just… be you.”

He smiled, his eyes curving upward. “Always,” he said happily, shoving my shoulder.

“Do you think they did this one big enough?” I asked him as we ascended the paved driveway. Giving me a silly look, he laughed.

My boy was always happy.

Now at twenty four, still wanting to hang around both sets of parents, he was happy. He had a girlfriend now, one he brought around occasionally. It was still new, but she was great. I couldn’t wait for the day Felix and I could tell her about Jeonghan’s gay crisis he had at fifteen. At the time it wasn’t funny, but now whenever he brings it up another detail is added that has the potential to cripple every audience. He was unapologetically himself. Very little scared him, and I admired him for that.

“Nothing is ever too big for Sana,” Jeonghan breathed, mounting the grey brick layered steps. Glancing up at the banner that hung in the front door alcove, pink and bright and sparkling, with a ‘Happy Birthday Rose’ in the center, I huffed a laugh.

“Think we’re in the wrong color,” I said quietly. Jeonghan with a hand on the doorknob, pushed the heavy door open and glanced back at me pointing up to the banner. Widening his eyes and his grin, he looked at our matching dark clothes and laughed aloud, the sound echoing as we stepped into the air conditioned home.

Small children we didn’t recognize ran by us without a care, one almost taking my boy out by the knee. Tucking his hands over his chest he stepped closer to me and swallowed another laugh. Shooting him a knowing look we started through the home, large, spacey, echoey, yet full of so much stuff that one had to weave through each room. The tall walls painted white had family photos hanging up, portraits of two forced smiles holding their babies brought into a world where they’d one day succumb to the same fate as my Jeonghan.

It wasn’t a thing yet, but I could feel it.

That poor boy. Not a photo was genuine.

Poor boy, but good man.

I wondered if he’d let me have a conversation with him, too.

Leading Jeonghan into the kitchen where things fell quiet, a pair of hands grabbed my shoulders with an exasperated sigh. Shorter than me, straight hair hung in front of his naturally big eyes. His strung out eyes.

“I didn’t expect you to get here so fast,” Taehyun said, breathless. His fingers dug into the bone of my shoulders. Jeonghan narrowed his eyes, keeping watch over the entire situation. My boy had a sharp brain, he was observant. In moments like this he’d be able to relay every detail back to me once it was over.

Putting my hands over Taehyuns, I took them off of me and returned them to his personal space. “Are you okay?” I asked. He was high, but that was normal. Something else had happened. He was fuming.

“Yeah,” he shrugged, scratching the top of his head, then at his arms. “I’m good. Why?”

“You don’t have to lie to me, Taehyun,” I said, lowering my chin. He laughed, a singular sound, then shrugged. I wasn’t going to get anything out of him. Poor boy couldn’t speak for himself.

“My sister just left,” he sneered, and his jaw set into place.

Right. That.

He gestured behind him. “Beomgyu’s there,” he said. “Bathroom. I can’t get him out.” Jeonghan started for the hall, looking back at us for permission. With a nod I told him he could go. Shifting my eyes back to fidgeting Taehyun who couldn’t make himself comfortable, he said, “It’s getting worse.”

“For who?” I asked inconspicuously, eyeing the way he moved his hands over his skin. “Beomgyu, or you?”

Taehyun’s glare wanted to kill me if the boy could’ve wielded the power. “Him, damn.” He folded his skinny arms over his chest and did his best to stand still. “He was high when he got here, then he started drinking. She showed up, and he was a mess.”

“Did they speak?”

Taehyun narrowed his eyes. “What the fuck do you think?”

He’s lucky his words were ineffective over me. If I was Jeonghan’s age or younger I’d attempt to kick his ass. At least Taehyun didn’t have the strength to choke me unconscious, not in his current state anyway.

“Okay, well did he see the kids? He didn’t do anything, did he?”

Taehyun pursed his lips and shook his head. “He never does. He just watches them.” With a side eye to myself, he muttered, “She had another baby, yanno?”

Knowing what this meant to him, I tilted my head to the side and hummed. “I had no idea they were expecting more.” He rolled his eyes at my words, my insinuations, and laughed. When the smiles calmed down, I caught a glimpse of how it really made him feel. He was torn apart. That only meant the one in the bathroom was equally, if not more heartbroken. “I’m sorry.”

He scrunched his brows and shook his head. “God, no, don’t do that, I mean… I’m fine. It’s fine. If anything it just means she’s-”

“Hey, Dad?” Jeonghan’s voice carried down the hall, echoing in the tall ceilings. He appeared and my blood ran cold. The look on his face coupled with the worry in his tone told me I’d have to step in. I’ve never had to step in for him before. Not when it came to Beomgyu.

I was right, he shouldn't have come with me.

Leaving Taehyun in the kitchen I walked with a purpose, laying a hand on Jeonghan’s shoulder as I passed by him, letting him know that he did his best. The further I went, the louder the cries became. The sobs. The heavy breaths. The murmurs of words that scared me shitless.

Not that I’d ever show it.

Turning into the dim bathroom lit up by the window on the wall, I stopped in the doorway and took a breath. Jeonghan stood behind me, his lips pulled down.

Beomgyu was on the floor, splayed out on the floor, yet curled into himself. He was conscious, he was breathing, but he was saying things I never wanted to hear ever again.

Stepping closer to him, not letting his panicked breath affect my own, I squatted beside him and pushed his shaggy hair from his damp forehead. He was a sweaty mess. A sweaty trembling mess. Taking hold of his arm I yanked up the sleeve and rolled my head back with a groan.

“Beomgyu,” I said gently, placing a hand to his cheek. He stopped mumbling and looked up at me. “You’re gonna come home with me, okay?”

“Home,” he whispered. His empty glare wrecked my heart. “No, you’re gonna take me… back there.”

Keeping my grip on his wrist, I attempted to move him, but he wouldn’t budge. “We’re going to go home. To my house. Felix is there. I brought Jeonghan with me, did you see him?” Gesturing behind me, the boy's eyes followed and I swear a smile tried to light up his face. “Come with us, you’ll feel so much better at home.”

“Better at home,” Beomgyu nodded, his cheek against the tile of the floor. Jeonghan came closer and he watched him.

“Unless you want to stay here and listen to Ariana Grande, and eat pink candy,” he said, and Beomgyu laughed between sobs. “It’s better at our house. I promise. You know that.”

To my surprise, he tried to sit himself up, wobbling back and forth as he did. Once he was somewhat stable, I pulled a rubber band from my wrist and worked his hair backward out of his face, and tied it into place. Yanking the hand towel from the wall beside the sink, sorry Sana, I cleaned him up and adjusted his clothes to where they belonged. He watched me as I did this, his cries having ceased the second he was upright.

“Better?” I asked, placing a hand to his cheek, pinching some life into it. Thinning his lips, he frowned and wrapped his arms around my back, pulling me into a hug. Dropping down onto my knees, I wrapped mine around him and held him. Fingers grabbing my shirt in despair, face down on my chest, I let him cry.

My promise.

Those words I said to myself so many years ago, before I had ever even held Jeonghan in my arms. Beomgyu and Jungkook. They were my responsibility. Even more so now that we only had each other.

I promised.

“I got you,” I whispered to him, drawing my hand in circles over his back. “Not gonna let anything happen to you, Beomie. I promise. We’re gonna help you.”

haven masterlist ✧ talk to me ✧ thank you for reading <3

you do not have permission to copy or translate my works without my consent.

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lillit-d · 3 months ago

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the same “love”

that is played in childhood.

when he gives rings with lollipops, protects from all, even imagined, misfortunes, and brags about his husband more often than about new toys.

and years later

he's impatiently waiting for him home from work, trying to kill time by reading novels and continuing to have a love for lollipops.

only now there is a wedding ring on his finger.

just a momentary weakness for this concept

#hyunho #skz lee minho #skz lee know #lee minho stray kids #lee know stray kids #lee know #hwang hyunjin #hyunjin #hyunjin stray kids #hyunjin skz #hwan hyunjin #skz minho #minho #lee minho #lee minho skz #hwang hyunjin skz #stray kids #skz #mini fic

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marvelous-llama · 1 year ago

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Stray Kids recs

<<original book

most of the mentioned works is 18+ NSFW, MINORS DNI

pls don´t hesitate to hmu, if any of mentioned links doesn´t work or you have suggestions for more fics... thank you so much for all the love and comments

one shots

Darling by @hwan-g

Seungmin x fem!reader (wc - 8k) love at first sight, bookshop owner Seungmin - romance, angst, smut it hasn’t stopped raining for weeks. as you enter his life, as you walk out of it. he just needs one chance with you.

Do you think about me? by @hwanghyunjinenthusiast

Seungmin x fem!reader (wc - 3.8k) friends to kinda lovers?, ex boyfriend Chan - fluff?, smut Seungmin is the guy you told your ex-boyfriend not to worry about. Turns out he had reasons to be concerned after all.

August is a Fever by @seungminheart

Seungmin x fem!reader (wc - 12k) friends to lovers, mutual pining, both are kinda idiots - fluff, smut seungmin is the picture of self control around you—the perfect gentleman with no interest in you at all. maybe that is why you are so obsessed with seeing how far you can push him before he breaks. OR, hyunjin is convinced that seungmin is into you, and you are determined to prove him wrong.

eighteen by @soobnny

Seungmin x fem!reader (wc - 19.8k) best friends to lovers, university AU, slow burn - angst, fluff it takes you a while to realize being known is being loved, and kim seungmin just so happens to be an expert in the study of you.

friends. by @tosomeonessomeone

Seungmin x reader (wc- 1.8k) friends to lovers - fluff, suggestive

cinnamon sugar by @temptaetions

Seungmin x fem!reader (wc - 6k) best friends to lovers, idiots to lovers, mutual pining - fluff, smut, angst her lips taste sweet, like cinnamon sugar...she's such a treat.

unmasked by @puppym3

Seungmin x fem!reader (wc - 9.4k) university AU, fake dating - fluff, angst, crack(ish), smut

National Anthem by @seospicybin

Seungmin x fem!reader (wc - 13.6k) enemies to lovers - angst, fluff, smut, hurt/comfort At first, you knew Seungmin as the guy you made out with on a flight home but once the plane landed, you discovered that he's the son of your father's rival candidate for the upcoming election, causing you to be caught between love and loyalty

Ridiculously Beautiful by @seungfl0wer

Seungmin x fem!reader (wc - 1.1k) established relationship - smut

Bet On It by @skzonthebrain

Seungmin x fem!reader (wc - 8.6k) enemies to lovers, academic rivals AU, university AU - angst, smut, fluff

hold my hand by @yaniiiiism

Seungmin x fem!reader (wc - 3.3k) university AU, roommates > fwb > lovers?, unrequired love(ish) - fluff, angst(ish)

series

Break up with your boyfriend, I´m bored & Leave by @hyunniesgirl

Seungmin x fem!reader (wc - 4.5k + 4k) strangers > friends > lovers, mutual pining - major angst, smut, fluff(ish) Seungmin knew what he wanted since the first time he laid eyes on you. The problem is that you have a boyfriend... Actually, that's not a problem for him.

#stray kids #stray kids x reader #stray kids recs #seungmin #skz seungmin #stray kids seungmin #kim seungmin #seungmin x reader #kim seungmin x reader

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nobodyknowsmyname · 2 years ago

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a silly little list:

my kpop fic recs ! pls lemme know if u have any recommendations <3

_____

most, if not all of these works are NSFW (minors please don't interact) some of these works also contain heavy topics- please read at ur own caution : )

_____

skz :)

-> [rec.] by @chvnnie - minho x reader (smut)

-> LIVE! by @chvnnie - 3RACHA x reader x minho (smut) - part two of [rec.]

-> [23:16] by @matryosika - minho x reader (smut) -> Chocolate And Vanilla by @thevampywolf - bang chan x reader (smut & fluff) -> playing with fire by @straywrds - hyunjin x reader (smut, angst) - series (still in work) -> this whole masterlist by @hyuckvanqel - all of skz x reader + ateez, nct, svt works (smut) + anon thoughts - all the works are amazing, promise! -> Come on Fuck Me Emo Boy by @chvnnie - skz x reader (smut, fluff, angst) - mini series !

-> Zemblanity by @moonflowerchanniesgirl - minho x reader (smut & angst) -> a soft dom minho thought by @hwangcore - minho x reader (smut & fluff)

-> 5:27 pm by @hwangcore - minho x reader (smut) -> Bite me? by @thevampywolf - bang chan x reader (suggestive, fluff) -> By Heart by @charmercharm3r - minho x reader (smut) - fantasy [demon x human] -> TKO by @cb97percent - minho x reader (smut) -> dahlia. by @skzmix - hyunjin x reader (smut) -> a hyunjin thought by @che3tobre4th - hyunjin x reader (smut) -> Red lights by @chvnssecret - hyunjin x reader (smut)

-> My command by @chvssecret - seungmin x reader (smut)

-> WAITING FOR US by @erotichan - hyunjin x reader (smut) -> [02:36] by @seungisms - bang chan x reader (smut) -> TITLE TRACK: RUN AWAY WITH ME by @lotus-dly - bang chan x reader (angst & fluff)

-> . . # the morning after. hj. ˚ ₊ ✧ ! by @lix-ables - hyunjin x reader (smut & fluff) -> [all yours, forever - hyunjin] by @stay-corner - hyunjin x reader (smut & fluff) -> USE ME. by @hwan-g - hyunjin x reader (smut)

-> warmth by @inkybird - hyunjin x reader (smut &fluff)

->[7:06am] by @hyunee1 - hyunjin x reader (smut)

-> orchid. by @skzmix - jeongin x reader (smut)

-> i. harness by @btssmutgalore - lee know x reader (smut)

-> No Face by @thevampywolf - bang chan x reader (suggestive & fluff)

-> Watch Me by @@lorinicole - minho x reader x hyunjin (smut)

->fallingforyou (all over again). by @lix-ables - felix x reader (smut)

->anon prompt by @lix-ables - felix x reader (smut)

-> ILLOGICAL by @chxncinth - bang chan x reader (smut)

-> a party elsewhere. hhj. by @lix-ables - hyunjin x reader (smut)

-> prompt: "shut up!" "why dont you come over here and make me?" by @linoguistics - hyunijn x reader (smut)

->1 0 : 1 1 p m by @karibear - felix x reader (smut)

-> hyunjin + choking by @hynjnhwng - hyunjin x reader (smut)

-> ✰ 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞𝐮𝐩 𝐬𝐞𝐱 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐬𝐤𝐳. by @cartierbin - ot8 x reader (one shot smut)

-> F&MU by @charmercharm3r - felix x reader (smut & fluff)

-> [02:12 am - chan] by @stay-corner -bang chan x reader (smut)

-> illogical by @chxncinth - bang chan x reader (smut)

-> [03:16 am - chan] by @stay-corner - bang chan x reader (smut)

-> Naive Nature by @ch4nb4ng - bang chan x reader (smut) -> mirrors and lights — by @lix-ables - yang jeongin x reader (smut)

-> chan hard thoughts by @chvnnie - bang chan x reader (smut)

other:

-> ALREADY WON — ☆ by @ihugjakey - jake sim x reader (fluff)

-> NO HANDS | Y.KH by @bakubae - yoon keeho x reader

-> keeho x idol!reader !* by @wonwoosh - yoon keeho x reader (fluff & angst)

-> 2:50 pm // by @bakubae - yoon keeho x reader (smut)

->- “daddy” // s.jy by @lvnarhees - jake sim x reader (smut)

-> after game (m) by @jaeyunsz - jake x reader (smut & fluff)

-> [5:28] by @riboism - honjoong (ateez) x reader (smut)

-> CUM TIL’ YOU CRY : SJY by @tangledbutterflies - jake sim x reader (smut)

-> Reality’s boring by @sup-dallyboy - hongjoong x reader (smut)

series:

-> unrequited

-> unmatched

.｡.:*☆ both the above series are by @jl-micasea-fics and they are absolutely amazing !! one of my absolute favourite pieces i've ever read. (lee know x reader)- contains smut, fluff and heavy angst (see tw's before you read it)

->this whole masterlist

.｡.:*☆ the series (?) above is by @blu-joons-joo and it's absolutely adorable ! literally for all my babies out there who love fluff (and a bit of suggestiveness)- it'll drive u delusional

-> my heart bel♡ngs to daddy

.｡.:*☆this series is by @yunjardi and is SO good !! jake is to DIE FOR and him and the reader together are just so delicious <3

-> by my side

.｡.:*☆this series is by @noramoons and the concept of it is amazing, it's also written really well !! can't wait for the next parts

-> e x p e r i e n c e d

.｡.:*☆this series is by @ballelino who's one of my favourite writers on tumblr! the series is one of the best, along with alot of her others- if you ever get the chance to check out wedding season (lee know x reader) by her aswell : )

-> i. harness & ii.love & iii. play .｡.:*☆ this series is by @btssmutgalore and when i tell you its sheet clenching, panty wetting, eyerolling and neck snapping- dont take it lightly. it's everything ive ever personally wanted and i swear its SO worth the read.

_____

if you have any other recommendations, shoot me a message and i'll be sure to check it out ! enjoy !!

_____

love, froggy

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hyunmintae · 6 years ago

Text

Masterlist

Updated: 12/13/2018

Imagines/Drabbles

Others:

Woo Do-Hwan

He so sweet :D

Anyone

Sad

BTS

Namjoon

Daddy Joonie! - Someone calls Namjoon daddy.

Jin

JinJin - You talk about him too much.

Jimin

Cream or cream? - Smut, Jimin is needy and Y/N realizes at the café.

Taehyung

Jealousy -Tae gets jealous of Yoongi

Jungkook

You bit me?? - Y/N keeps bothering Jungkook and he asks her to stop but she refuses

Kookie

Hobi

Yoongi

All

GOT7

BamBam

He Did What? - Black eyes and Bruises.

Cuddles? - Just cuddles..

Jackson

Calming - Jackson has a rough day.

Those who wrote together - Jackson and Y/N team up to write a song, but they get more

Jackson

Mark

Bias Wrecker -Mark learns a lesson -smut

Neglection - Mark and Yugyeom keep fighting and Y/N feels neglected - poly

Love Bugs -Yugyeom and Mark cheer up Y/N

Jaebum

Babygirl - Jaebum takes care of his babygirl.

I just want to help - Jaebum is stressed, so Y/N helps. -smut

The First - Jaebum and Y/N are intimate for the first time - Implied Smut

Jinyoung

Strangers to Lovers - Jinyoung and Y/N don’t get along at first

Youngjae

Yugyeom

Neglection - Yugyeom and Mark keep fighting and Y/N feels neglected - Poly

Love Bugs -Yugyeom and Mark cheer up Y/N

All

Abandoned - Y/N is left behind.

Mall shenanigans - Y/N feels a bit uneasy for some reason on their trip to the mall, and the boys come to her rescue.

Grumpy Kitty - Y/N is grump - Hybrid/Poly

MONSTA X

Hyungwon

Cold Feet - Having cold feet can be fun.

Noona - Hyungwon falls in love.

Anger - Hyungwon pisses Y/N off.

Oblivious - Hyungwon is oblivious to Y/N

Stylist Hyungwon - Hyungwon dyes his Noona’s hair

Minhyuk

Idiot - He regrets his words.

Clingy - Y/n gets clingy after Minhyuk is gone for too long

I licked it, it’s mine - Werewolf!fic

Wonho

Romancing the Nurse - Wonho gets hurt and visits his favorite nurse. - Smut

Daddy Wonho - Something is up with Y/N and it’s not just Wonho’s comment on her eating

Aish, pabo! -Y/N may have fallen asleep in the bath and scared Wonho.

Chastity Cage - Wonho get’s stuck in a Chastity cage, but soon he finds the key after Y/N’s constant teasing. -SMUT

Everlasting - Wonho is a vampire - SMUT

Kihyun

Protective - Y/N gets hurt while playing around with the boys.

Black Eye?! - Y/N tries to hide her bruises

Cupcakes - Y/N attempts to make cupcakes but Kihyun wants something sweeter -implied smut

No touchy - A monbebe with bad intentions upsets Y/N

Blind - Y/N lost her contacts

Jooheon

Forgiveness - Joo Honey gets too close with a fan.

Protector - Jooheon protects Y/N

Trying to stay warm - Y/N and Joo have a little fun while trying to keep warm. - Implied smut

Popcorn - Jooheon and Y/N stay in all day with popcorn and a movie

I.M

Tattoo of love - Changkyun falls for his tattoo/piercing artist.

One Night? - Changkyun wakes up with a wedding ring and Y/N in his bed.

Steaming - A/C goes out, what to do?

You got this, Baby - Y/N and Chankyun welcome their new baby

Shownu

Tattoos -Y/N is into tattoos and Hard Rock, will the boys like her?

Try again - Y/N has a miscarriage and then they try again - Implied smut

Hubby - Y/N doesn’t need a hero, just a husband

All

Personal for myself and a friend

Surprise, Surprise

{P1}

Stray Kids

Chan

Complaint Filled Chan - Chan complains a lot

Good Enough - Y/N doesn’t feel good enough for Felix and Chan - Poly

Jisung

Words are hurtful - Jisung says some hurtful things out of stress and anger

What Scares You? - Jisung, Y/N and Changbin go to a haunted house

Hyunjin

Forget it - Hyunjin says somethings he shouldn’t and loses sight of what it’s important {P1} {P2}

Fallen Angel - Halloween is full of surprises

Reminiscing -Minho, Hyunjin, and Y/N think back on their past ~poly/hybrid

Soft Cuddles and Kisses - Minho, Hyunjin, and Y/N cuddle ~poly/hybrid

Seungmin

Panther Kisses - Y/N comes home to panther kisses

Woojin

Felix

Accident - Hyunjin and Y/N are goofing around and Y/N gets hurt

Good Enough - Y/N doesn’t feel good enough for Felix and Chan - Poly

Minho

For your eyes only - Minho is only sweet to Y/N

Reminiscing -Minho, Hyunjin, and Y/N think back on their past ~poly/hybrid

Soft Cuddles and Kisses - Minho, Hyunjin, and Y/N cuddle ~poly/hybrid

Changbin

What scares you? - Changbin, Han, and Y/N go to a haunted house

Ink Everlasting - Changbin is a tattoo artist and Y/N gets a tattoo by him and this is there story {shortish}

Jeongin

All

Uh Oh - Hyunjin and Y/N get into an argument ~Hybrid/Poly {1st}

Never Apart - On a day out, Y/N seems a dark figure from the past - Hybrid/Poly Spin Off {Second}

Down Days - Y/N is feeling down and the boys take care of her ~Hybrid/Poly {Third} Spin off

Nightmare - The boys comfort Y/N after a nightmare ~Hybrid Poly {Fourth} Spin off

Strays In Malta - Y/N gets disciplined. ~Hybrid/Poly {Fifth} Spin off

Reactions

Taking a bullet - S/O , Little Sister {p1} {p2}

iKON

B.I

Cuddly Hanbin - B.I feels down one day and all he wants is cuddles and love

Dreams - Fluffy

Bobby

Jinhwan

Needy - Jinhwan is a bit needy

Ju-ne

Yunhyeong

Donghyuk

Chanwoo

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chimivx · 6 months ago

Text

TASTE. -> 'Haven' from the POV of Hyunjin. (Part Five of Six)

summary: Three days isn't long enough to outrun the past. It's even harder when it shows up at your door.

word count: 9.4k

warnings: 18+, infidelity themes all throughout, toxic friendships/relationships, sexual content, alcohol abuse, struggles with mental health themes, cursing, physical violence between male friends, if I missed anything PLEASE LET ME KNOW!

a/n: It was hard reliving this.. Especially this side of it. Almost to the end... <3

The knock at the door pulled me back.

Heart twisting in my chest, lungs tightening beyond belief, I snapped my attention to my bedroom door, opened just a crack, and tried to take a breath. Though doom consumed me my head was a shit ton clearer and my legs were trembling ever so slightly. A regretful euphoria coursed through my veins skyrocketing all of the progress I’ve made in the last three weeks backward.

Here we were again.

A million thoughts coursed through my mind, my brain trying to sort them all in these seconds of silence that followed the hollow sound that echoed down the hall. Felix was at my door, and Jade was in my bed. Felix was at my door, and Jade was naked in my bed. Felix had no idea she was stopping by, shit I had no idea she was stopping by, and after ending up where we’ve ended up I had completely forgotten that Felix was coming over.

It was pure idiocy for me to forget, we’ve only spent the last three days together. Once I left his house that afternoon after our night together, having eaten breakfast we’d made together, bumping elbows with one another as we tried to wash up together… We’ve spent nearly every waking hour with each other, ending each night with a phone call before we slept in our separate beds. It’s been three days, but we’re holding true to our agreement.

Sure we weren’t together for numerous reasons, one of those reasons staring me in the face at the moment, but our time together was special, it was building something, like trust and genuinity. Something I never thought I’d actively be trying to pursue in a relationship. Something I think I’ve already broken before even obtaining it.

Why did she have to show up at my door?

Why wouldn’t she call?

She should’ve fucking called.

Why would she dress herself in his clothes if she was only going to drag a finger up my bare arm, step closer to me with a hand on the doorknob, and flutter her lashes with a pout on her lips?

Her hand slipped around my neck and pushed my head down closer to hers. Our noses brushed, and though she smelled entirely like Minho, the way she whispered, “I miss you,”, and pressed a slow kiss to my cheek pulled me straight under. Within minutes she had me stripped to nothing, pinning me to the sheets before I flipped her over and took control. If she missed me, I was going to make her miss me.

It was wrong, every single part of it. I knew it and I didn’t stop. A small piece of my heart was latched to her touch, to her energy, to her own heart. That’s why she came back. She may think she had the upper hand, but for her to admit she still loved me three days ago after fucking the man she denied for ages… Seeing her face after opening the door following the quietest knock, I shouldn’t be so shocked.

Besides, I know way more about her life with Minho than I should for someone who’s supposed to be moving on. Changbin still lived the life of playing double agent, though Felix told him to stop. Something about it gave me a weird feeling, too. Moving on was supposed to be easy. It shouldn’t have to involve all the sneaky shit.

But, that’s all I seemed to know.

Changbin, after the two of us shared drinks at Haven two nights ago with a Felix beside me messing with my ripped jeans, informed me of all of the doings between Jade and Minho. Playing double agent meant he got to hear all about it when mere hours after hooking up with Jade, Minho aired out his dirty laundry to his friends. Jade’s, too.

It’s a funny feeling, hearing about someone you used to have in the same scenario, same compromised position, that you may have been getting it all wrong. That they’d never brought up something they didn’t like that you’d done, or something they liked and wanted you to do… Or, that you never bothered to ask them if they liked it or not.

The first time I think I’d ever asked a question was either degradingly a half hour into backshots, or the morning after with Felix, where honesty seemed to catch my tongue and stick there.

How was that side of me able to come around him, yet with Jade it was all lies and tricks?

Minho’s a whiner, apparently. And, apparently, that was something she enjoyed. A shit ton. So, I used it against her. Though, I wondered if it was a part of me trying to protect her, as disgusting as that sounds. Never in my life did I walk around blaring Jade and I’s sex life out like it was something for everyone to enjoy. That was to be kept within the walls, private, for us. Minho isn’t a good guy, he’s sleazy, and just plain mean. She deserves better.

Better sure as hell was not me.

And I know for sure it’s not Minho.

Jade looked up at me now, naked aside from the lacey fabric around her hips she swore she didn’t put on for me. Not that she had to dress up for me, I used to be ready for her even if she was fresh home from the gym. Go figure, she liked me grimey after work, and I liked her sweaty mess. She didn’t know Felix was at the door.

The right thing to do would be to answer the door and tell Felix to come back, after things were sorted out here. I really, really, really didn’t want him to see Jade here, didn’t want him to know what had happened, that we had sex twice, but I believe this was pure karma at work. I was terrified to lose him, and here I was, succumbing to temptation in a situation where I had all of the potential to lose him. Forever.

“It’s open!” Flew from my lips before I had the chance to think about anything else. Fear took the driver's seat behind my eyes today.

With no time to see how it made Jade feel, I bustled down the hall and caught the door in my hand as it swung open. Curious brown eyes peered around the wood, up at me, then around the apartment, like he was looking for something.

“Jade’s here,” I whispered, my brain on auto-pilot.

Felix glanced up at me, his gaze taking in my disheveled appearance, then around the kitchen cabinets as I shut the door. “I saw her car.” He started to frown watching in real time as guilt bubbled over onto my face.

“I’m sorry,” I breathed. My bottom lip quivered. “I didn’t know what to do. She came onto me, and I-”

His fingers brushed my cheek, his touch soothing me quicker than anticipated. “Sh, sh, stop. She’ll hear you.” Quiet as ever, his lips perked up into the tiniest smile as he said, “Act happy.”

“How?” I sighed.

“Laugh.”

“What?”

Felix’s grin grew, his cheeks bunching up his eyes. “Laugh. Ha! Haha!”

An actual laugh tumbled from me at the sudden sound, taking me by surprise. Lacing his hand in mine he pulled me to the couch in the space around the back of the kitchen, making himself comfortable on the cushions, tugging me close to him. Not close enough to be considered flirty, but enough to be friendly.

“Is she going to leave?” Felix asked quietly through a smile, still pretending to laugh a bit. He tucked his knees beneath him on the sofa, grabbing onto one of my arms.

Shrugging, I said, “I dunno, I think? I ran out of there.”

“Hyunjin!” The sneer was blocked by his perfect teeth, but it still stabbed me in the heart regardless.

“I didn’t know what to do.” We spoke like two teenagers harboring a secret.

With a tilt of his head, he said, “I called her the other day.”

Glancing over my shoulder toward the hall at a scuffle heard over the floor, in case she was coming by, I whipped my neck back around and my eyes bugged out of my head. “What the fuck? Why?”

He withheld a breath. “Because of what I said. We need to talk this out.”

Entirely too calm for my liking at this very moment, Felix looked through me, his eyes lighting up with a smile.

“Hi,” he said, with a raise of his brow.

Jade, standing in her leggings and blue hoodie that belonged to Minho, stared back at him, quiet for a few seconds before she bobbed her head and glanced to the floor. “Hey.”

The tension could be cut with a fucking knife.

Fear took the wheel again, the sparks in my brain going off, shooting through my chest. I couldn’t control it. I don’t know why, in her presence, I have to be a dick.

“See you later.” It came out of me too harshly. After what we had just been doing, what I had just done to her, what she made me do. The deep breath Felix took wasn’t audible, but I could see it. He spoke through his small smile.

“You’re coming to Haven?” he asked.

Right, that was the plan. Haven. I needed her to leave. I needed my brain back where it belonged.

Clearing her throat, Jade toyed with her fingers and shrugged her shoulders. “I dont… I don’t know.”

“We haven’t seen you in forever,” Felix said, twisting on the couch to face her, dropping his feet to the floor, letting me go entirely. Fear in the driver's seat swapped with nausea for the wheel. The room was getting hot, I could feel the way my white t-shirt clung to my skin. And what the hell was that sound coming from outside? Did my apartment always sound like this? The air conditioning was on, maybe it was that. But, if the air was on, why was it so fucking hot? Am I supposed to feel my heart beating in my chest? Jesus, my palms are sweating, thank God Felix let go of me. I don’t think I can feel my feet…

Jade moved to the door, pulling me out of complete turmoil. Gripping her suitcase like she had been seconds before jumping my bones, she’d shoved a hand in the pocket of her, Minho’s, hoodie.

“Oh,” I said suddenly, gathering the attention of the room. A smirk found my lips. “Make sure everything makes it home safely. Don’t need anything… slipping out.”

Groaning, she hurried around and barreled through the door, but not before Felix added, “Is her bag broken?”

She left us with a slam of the wood.

My eyes were glued to the door, the terror consuming me.

“What the fuck, Hyunjin?” Felix’s voice was just above a whisper. His gaze fell over me and I didn’t have the guts to look back. My heart was lodged in my throat, my hands trembled, and I didn’t want him to help me.

He’s seen me cry far too many times for us to have only been involved for so long. He’s helped me through too much, and this was how I repaid him. I told him I didn’t want to hurt him, I told him I didn’t want him to turn into one of them. And, I’ve done it.

I won with Jade, but I lost right here.

There’d be no coming back from this.

“We aren’t dating,” Felix said quietly, his hand sliding around my back, drawing circles where it curved, me having hunched over on to my lap trying to control my breath. Tears were falling, I was breathing rapidly, and I had no idea it was even happening.

Sitting straight up I turned to him, pushing my hair from my face, tucking it behind my ears. Felix tucked his hands over his lap and gave me an unreadable look, one that messed with every feeling coursing through my body.

“What’d you say?” I gasped, running my fingers through my hair once more after wiping my cheeks clear.

He gave me that tilt of his head. “We aren’t dating,” he repeated.

“What are you talking about?”

Reaching over toward me, he tucked a stray hair behind my ear and drug a finger along my jaw before his smile made a short appearance. “We’re not together, Hyunjin. We’ve discussed this. Take some breaths, you’re okay.” Rolling my head backward, blinking out fresh tears, I nearly toppled over, my head was so light. Felix caught me by the shoulder and moved me closer. “Calm down, I’m right here.”

I shouldn’t have buried my face in his neck, but I did. He let me. Holding me for a moment, letting me be, the steady tracing of his fingers over my shoulder blades soothed me enough to choke out some words.

“I want to be done. With it all.”

Felix’s fingers stopped their tracing. He hesitated a second, then said, “Please say more words, please tell me that thought doesn’t end there.”

Sitting back, regaining my balance, I wiped my cheeks and nodded. His big brown eyes took me in, I could only begin to imagine what I looked like. “I’m over it. Jade, and them. I want it to be done. I hate what I did. She just showed up here, she wanted more of her stuff, so I let her in.” A breath shot through me. Felix’s hand ended up on one of my knees. “I’m not blaming her entirely ‘cause I could have stopped her, I just…” Putting my hands over my chest I clawed at my shirt. “It makes me feel… like this. All of it. Jade, Haven, Minho… Han.”

Felix nodded, his hand giving me a squeeze. “Thank you for telling me. I know this probably brought up a lot of awful feelings you thought you were finally able to move forward from.” He giggled at the way I glared at him. “I’m serious. Yes, I may be therapisting you right now to avoid how all of this makes me feel, but I’m speaking the truth.”

I hurt him. Whether he was mine or not, whether I was his, whether what we shared was going to end up a one time thing… I hurt him. It wasn’t intentional, but saying that wouldn’t fix anything. None of it mattered, how it went down, who came onto who… I hurt him.

This was the second time I’ve ever felt this way.

Guilty. Responsible. Like I could’ve done more, I should’ve done more.

I could’ve stopped it from happening. Instead, here I sit watching someone I love suffer.

Granted, I’m an adult now. The first time this type of feeling suffocated me, I was a child. God, if she was here now I don’t even want to know what she’d think of me, who I’ve become, what I’ve done. This wasn’t what she wanted for me. It was in front of me now, what she wanted for me. Someone to care for, someone to care for me. Someone to love.

“Get out of your head,” Felix whispered, taking a finger beneath my chin, lifting it up so I’d look him in the eyes. “I see it going, get out of there.” The crinkle of my bottom lip made him pout.

“I’m sorry.”

And we were back to counting apologies.

Felix merely nodded, taking his hand back. “I’ll be honest with you.” He waited for me to acknowledge what he said before moving on. “This is why we’re not in a relationship.” A knife to the gut. He was fully aware. He had been if he’d liked me for this long. And yet here he was, sitting in front of me… Putting up with it.

I would not go backward.

“You should go,” I whispered, my tone not the slightest bit harsh.

No one moved for a few seconds, until he glanced away and released a soft breath. “You’re not okay, how am I supposed to do that?”

When he met my gaze once more I let the tears fall. “You’re too… God, Felix.”

“Too, what?” he questioned, voice soft.

Too good. So incredibly kind hearted, and gentle, and understanding, and forgiving. So beautiful, and even more so after waking up in the sunlight. A heart of gold, sitting next to… A dark depressive cloud spreading over everything.

“Perfect,” I whispered. Felix narrowed his eyes, looking down at his hands. “Clearly my life is meant to be this way. Thought it wouldn’t happen to you, and it did. Why do I deserve you sitting here with me after this?”

“Because I-”

Whipping his head toward me, he cut himself clean off. The gears spun behind his eyes as his gaze flickered between mine, then he pushed himself to the edge of the couch.

“I should go,” he said.

My heart skipped a beat, my blood running somewhat cold. He stood to his feet, and I felt my face drain of all color. He was serious. Giving me the sweetest look of sorrow, taking in how I gaped toward him, he took himself to the door. My body decided to follow, lingering a few feet behind him.

“I just,” he turned to me one last time, and gulped, “I’m going to need time, I think. We need some space. I need some space. We’ve got to… think this through. Both of us.”

“Okay.” It was all I could force through my lips. Felix reached out a hand and held onto my arm for a moment before he smiled, and then he left, the door shutting gently behind him.

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Throat tightening, legs turning to jello, I was frozen. Paralyzed.

What the fuck did I do?

He left. Felix left, he was gone. A piece of me was praying he’d stay, that he wouldn’t leave me here. Alone. It’s not like Jade was coming home, coming back after what had happened. She normally would, even if we fought and said things we half meant, she’d be back, and I wouldn't be alone, and everything would be somewhat okay. Then, when shit got messed up with her, I had Felix. I could turn to Felix, lean on him for support.

I couldn’t deal with it myself. I couldn’t be alone. I hated being alone. Despised it. It’s how I spent the majority of my life until I fell in with Changbin.

Changbin.

Stumbling backward into the kitchen, I plastered myself to the counter by the phone and ripped it off the wall. Punching in his number I twisted around to rest my full body weight against the edge, the curly cord wrapping around my torso.

It rang once.

Pick up.

It rang twice.

Pick up.

It rang three times.

Please, please pick u-

“Hey, man,” Changbin said, half surprised. The sound I let out made him laugh. “Are you okay?”

“No,” I blurted out, attempting to slow my breaths. He caught on quick.

“You got me, I’m right here,” he said. “I’m not doing anything, talk to me. Make sure you’re breathing into your stomach, bro, you can’t handle that shallow shit.”

“I know,” I gasped. “I know, I know.”

“Is Felix there? He told me yesterday you guys had plans.”

“He… just left.”

Changbin, quiet for a second, hummed, then said, “What’s going on?”

The floodgates opened up.

I told him everything. From the night I spent at Felix’s, up until right now.

“You don’t like to take anything slow, do you?” His joke got me to laugh, something small.

“With him I do,” I admitted, partially to myself. “Even if he’s already become the best sex I’ve ever had.”

“He was right for saying you guys shouldn’t do anything else,” Changbin said. “At least until you’re both in a place where you can… Just be each other's. You know?”

“He’s so good, Changbin,” I said quietly. “A person, I mean, not in… You know what I mean.”

He laughed, making me smile. “If you need to talk about your sex life with someone safe, I’m your guy, Hyune.”

“Thanks.”

“And for the record, I won’t go spreading your business around the world,” he said, placing a nonexistent reassuring hand on my shoulder. “I’m your friend. I was your friend first. Your best friend. And, even though I was a little… shocked at this Felix thing, I hope you know you can tell me anything.”

“Yeah, sorry,” I mumbled, tangling my finger in the phonecord. “He came out of nowhere. I don’t even think I knew I was… I liked… Until, I like, looked at him.”

He was quiet, thinking about what I had said. It felt good to talk to him, to have this conversation with him, like we were back in his bedroom, up into the early hours of the morning talking about every single little thing.

“Yeah, I dunno, man,” he chuckled after a few moments. “You always had eyes for other guys, remember Choi San? College? Our freshman year?”

Blowing air through my nose, I groaned. “Oh god, I hated that guy, what are you talking about? Remember how he dressed? Every girl loved him.”

“Every girl loved you too, bro.”

“Yeah, but he was cocky as fuck. He thought he was hot shit ‘cause he was fucking a twenty one year old.” Changbin nearly snorted.

“Wasn’t hot shit when he got her pregnant,” he laughed.

I laughed with him, shaking my head. “Didn’t he marry her for a year before she left him? You really thought I liked him?”

This time he did snort. “You did like him!”

“I wanted to kick his ass,” I deadpanned.

“Is that what it’s called?” Changbin teased.

“Shut up, Bin!”

His laughter was contagious, thankfully. “On a serious note, though,” he said, calming himself down, “You like Felix, and it isn’t purely centered around sex. I think this is new for you.”

Every relationship, or situation I found myself in, I suppose it was centered around what happened in the bedroom. I’d only ever romantically been with a woman, but other than what we’d share between the sheets, I can’t remember a time where outside the bedroom we’d been able to click.

Until Jade. She’d been a best friend. But, even then, I wasn’t able to fully give myself to her.

“What’s that mean?” I asked so quietly I wasn��t sure he’d be able to hear me.

I wasn’t afraid of the word. I was able to say it. It was just new. It wasn’t a regular thought, or something I struggled with, like Felix. He had it hard growing up, it was a battle for him. If I liked him, if I liked what we had done, and I was attracted to him, did that mean I was… gay? But, if I enjoyed the things I did with women… Was there something in between?

“Think it means you found your person,” he said. My stomach flipped. “He’s liked you for a long time, Hyune. He’s an excellent secret keeper. And, so am I.”

“He’s told you before?” I sighed, twisting my brows.

Changbins little laugh did nothing to ease the nausea that built in my gut. “Yeah, since he met you.” So, he was telling the truth. This whole time. Not that he gave me any reason not to believe him. “The first night he came with me to Haven, the whole drive back to his house was, ‘The boy with the long hair’, ‘Him and the girl, are they dating?’, ‘Is it stupid for me to like him?’”

The horrible Australian accent crippled me. “He said all that?”

“Pretty sure.” I could hear Changbin’s shrug. “He talks a lot, I usually can’t get him to shut up. Are you there with him yet?”

A piece of my heart cracked. “I want to be. I think I almost was. He’s… full of surprises. Learn something new about him everyday.”

“Did you hear about the dude who lives outside of Delo?”

A singular laugh flew out of my chest as I lurched forward and smacked my thigh. “Yes! What the fuck!? You know about him? He wouldn’t give me details!”

“It was Han’s dad, Hyunjin.”

I only wished he was here in person to see my jaw hit the floor. I wanted to laugh, I wanted to laugh so loud.

“Jisung has no idea,” Changbin continued. “So, it's hilarious for him to keep using that word.”

“His dad isn’t married?”

“Oh, no, he’s married.”

I scoffed, rolling my eyes. “Felix is what… Twenty-two? How old was he when he…”

“Think that’s for you two to talk about, I’ve said enough.”

“Well, if he looks anything like his son, I get it.” My words caught up to me, but Changbin clocked them first.

“Dude.” I could hear his smile. “Maybe you are gay.”

Sharing a laugh and a few profanities thrown back and forth like we were eighteen all over again, when we calmed ourselves, I surprised myself again.

“I think I… I could really, like, love him, yanno?”

“I hear you,” Changbin assured me.

“I know it’s only been a few weeks, but…”

“Think it’s the years finally catching up to you.”

Bingo.

“Damn, Bin,” I breathed, twirling around to face the counter, the cord wrapping around me for the third time.

“Whether you're gay, or something else, I don’t know if there’s anything else you can be… Something is telling me this is, like, truth coming out. Your truth. And, listen, after everything you’ve been through, you deserve this good thing that wants you just as bad.”

Swallowing hard, I took a breath and said, “Then, I need you to help me.”

“‘Course,” he answered.

“Can you… Would you be able to find me a… therapist, or something.”

Sighing theatrically, Changbin shouted a praise to God. “Has hell frozen over!?”

I couldn’t help but laugh. “I hope so.”

“You have my word,” he said. “I’ll find you someone, I promise.”

“Thanks, Bin.”

“Anytime, Hyune.” His line went quiet for a few seconds. “Just so you know, in case he hasn’t told you… Felix hates it at Haven. He came with me for the first time because I invited him out, and he had the worst time. The only thing that mattered to him was you. That’s why he still comes, because you’re there. It’s not my place to say it, but…. I think he loves you, too.”

Felix used to fuck his dad.

Staring at him dead in the face while he spoke, his tan skin aglow underneath the neon lights on the wall, a fact I needed to shove deep down now that I was aware it was attraction, all I could think about was how he had no idea that his father, the very one he bragged about, used to get down with scrawny little Felix.

My scrawny little Felix.

I also had no idea how I was able to sit here with him, any of them, besides Changbin who took to my side the second I stepped in the door. After what had happened this morning, I had no intention of telling anyone else, but he knew I was going to need him. Thankfully Jeongin and Seungmin were here, sitting with Han and Chan, when Changbin and I approached the wooden slab full of empty cups.

It’d been a while since I’d last seen either boy a year younger than myself, it’d be refreshing to hear someone other than Han speak for a change. However, an hour into the night now, no one had been able to get a word in. That is until Changbin caught him at the tailend of a story about work.

“Hey, Han,” he cocked his chin curiously. “How’s your dad?”

Sipping the glass of whiskey Dina had brought me, I nearly choked on it.

“Admirable, as always,” Jisung winked, ignoring me entirely. “Why do you ask?”

Changbin shrugged. “Haven’t heard about him in a while, he must be working hard.”

Han smirked, nudging Seungmins shoulder. The poor boy was going to have to suffer through story after story now that Jisung had fresh ears. “He’s always worked hard. None of you would know what it feels like to do those grueling days and nights like he pulls.”

Seungmin sipped his drink and shot him a look. “I would.” Chan put a reassuring hand to his shoulder between sips of his drink, the muscled up Aussie keeping his thoughts to himself tonight it seemed.

The dark haired boy was a night shift nurse at a hospital a few minutes into Delo. The primary reason he hasn’t been out and about with us. Once Seungmin finished up with school he was thrown right into the mess and hadn’t been able to sleep properly since.

Han waved his hand and nudged him again. “You know what I meant.”

“Do I?” Seungmin smirked, glancing my way. Popping my brows I let him know he wasn’t going to get a clear answer out of him. “Nothings changed, I guess.” Jeongin and Changbin shared a quiet snicker.

“Actually,” Han sat forward, side eyeing me before he faced Seungmin. “Plenty has changed.”

“Jisung,” Chan muttered, his lips hovering over his empty cup. He sat scrunched over the edge of the table, his body language telling me too much. He didn’t want to be here either.

Groaning, I knocked back what was left in my glass, my only glass, and pushed my chair back, hoping to catch Dina at the bar to give her an update of what’s happened. Surely she’d have some advice, and even if she didn’t, I think I needed a decent backhanding to reset whatever the fuck was wrong with me.

“You good?” Changbin called after me. Turning, finding Jeongin watching me as well with equally worried eyes, I raised my glass for confirmation and kept walking.

Weaving through the crowd, I thought about what Changbin had said over the phone, how Felix hated coming here. Tonight it was easy to see why. This wasn’t his kind of scene. Without a couple of drinks in me, I wasn’t sure it was my scene either. Not anymore.

“Hyunjin,” Dina’s voice pulled me onto a stool, my glass in her hand before I realized she’d taken it. “Having another?” I studied the bar, the wood aged and cracked. Looking up at her, her expression wound seriously when she saw my own. “I don’t know.”

“Whaddaya mean?” she raised a brow. “What goes on? Felix here tonight?” Breaking my eyes away from her, it told her all she needed to know. “Oh, man, what happened?” She got rid of my glass and leaned forward on the bar, her chin finding sanctuary over her fists. “I was rooting for you guys.”

“Thanks,” I mumbled. “Me too, but I messed it up. As usual.”

Dina frowned. “You’re always so hard on yourself, Hyunjin. I’m sure it isn’t that bad, you-”

“I had sex with Jade,” I said, staring hard at the bar.

“Oh… Oh, that’s-”

“Today,” I kept going. “This morning, she showed up to get her stuff, and then he came by when she was still there and then-”

She cut me off by grabbing onto a wrist. “Hyunjin, hang on,” she giggled. “If you want to talk about this we can hang out after my shift. I get what you’re saying, and I appreciate you telling me, but you have to be careful. Don’t say too much right now, not when I know all your friends are here.”

Blinking, I gazed up at her and only hung onto two words she said. “You wanna hang out with me?”

Dina smiled, squeezing my wrist tighter. “I do,” she nodded. “We gotta… stick together, people like us. You’re cool, and not some big scary bad guy. If anything you’re a big dorky sap who looks exceptional in black.” My cheeks flushed. “I’m not the only one who thinks so, either.” She nodded her head toward the door. “Though he’s probably thinking about it differently than I am.”

Turning around embarrassingly fast, Felix was lingering by the door, his eyes eating away at my back until I had spun myself to find him. He attempted to look away, to make it seem like he wasn’t staring, but the boy really couldn’t lie. I wanted to smile, but it wouldn’t happen. It seemed he was trying as well, but the muscles wouldn’t work.

I left Dina where she stood, she was busy anyway. Eyes locked on him, I weaved through the crowd to reach him. He wore a white wide necked t-shirt that cut off right above the waist of his baggy jeans. His hair was unruly, like it had been this morning, the waves laying over his neck and his brows. He had one earring in his left ear, and a chain around his tanned neck.

Knowing what I knew now, how he hated it here, the change of outfit from this morning sparked my blood rushing where it didn’t need to go right now. He looked so good. In fact, I don’t even think it was the way he looked, just knowing he despised being within these walls was enough for me to want to pin him against the wall.

“You came,” I breathed once I reached his side. Looking up at me, bright brown eyes shining, he nodded.

“I… Yeah,” he sighed. “Changbin, he uh…” Voice trailing off, he glanced away for a second, only to smirk and shake his head. “He called me, but he had nothing to do with it. I knew you’d be here.”

The warm air condensed around us, all noise other than his voice funneling out of my attention. “He told me you don’t like it here.”

Felix brought his bottom lip between his teeth and tilted his head side to side, considering the options. “I don’t, but I like you, so…”

Taking him by the arm, I pulled him along with me, paying no mind to anyone else. Ducking through the heaps of people packed inside the bar tonight, I took us into the bathroom, into the stall we were in nights ago. Felix drunk, me sobbing.

Tonight was much, much different.

So much had happened, so much had changed within these three days.

Felix was the one to lock the stall before turning to face me. Dragging my hands through the ends of my hair, the top tied up into a knot, I sucked in a deep breath.

“Hate hiding in a bathroom stall,” he said with a small laugh. “Feel like I’m in high school all over again.” The comment tugged at my heart more so than his presence did.

“God, don’t say that, I think that makes this all worse,” I whispered. Reaching for my hands he halted my anxious raking fingers and put them at my side before pulling his behind his back. I wanted to lace mine with his, but I understood why he wouldn’t let them linger.

“I was just trying to make a joke,” he fluttered his lashes. “But, I half meant it.” He tapped the plastic wall with his finger. Both stalls rattled with an obnoxious noise. “It’s hard to hook up when they sound like that.”

I cracked a laugh once he did. “You’re so funny.”

“It’s the truth,” he shrugged, glancing at the walls before he fixed his gaze on me, and only me, for the remainder of the time we stood here. “Why’d you bring me in here?”

“Why’d you follow me?” I asked, completely avoiding his question.

He didn’t dodge mine, but he certainly didn’t answer it. Bringing his lips between his teeth he shot me a look that told me he wasn’t going to tell me unless I answered him first.

“I talked to Changbin today,” I started slowly, my voice shaking as the confession poured from me. “I asked him about a therapist, about getting me a therapist, or finding one for me.” Felix’s expression didn’t falter. “I want a relationship with you, a genuine, real, relationship. I’m done being scared, I’m done running from things, I’m sick of it. I think I love you, and I’ve never been able to say those words and mean them. I want to call you my boyfriend, and I want to be yours. I want people to know that you’re mine, I want people to know that I’m yours, and only yours. I’ll do anything. I can’t lose you, Lix. I made a mistake, a huge ass mistake, but you have to understand that it was because I’m still hurting about what’s happened, and I don't want to use it as an excuse, but… You said it yourself, this is why we aren’t in a relationship, and I get that. You know I get that, I’m incredibly self aware. I want to better myself, for you. For us. For myself, but for us. I want to be better for you.”

Eyebrows flipped over, I swore tears welled in his big eyes. A smile pulled at his lips, a real one, a happy one. He was silent, staring at me with… I don’t even know what. I didn’t want to get my hopes up. I’d also never poured my heart out so heavily in such a long time. Since I had my heart shattered to pieces in the midst of my college years. One of the reasons it was so hard for me to open up.

He brought it out of me. He was able to get this side of me. And not one bit of it scared me. The only thing that terrified me endlessly was losing him.

Taking a breath, Felix shifted on his feet and I braced myself for the worst. “You really asked Changbin to find you someone over me?” My racing heart seemed to ease. “Yeah…”

He smirked. “Think that hurts the most.”

“Oh, no, I was only-”

“I’m kidding,” he said quickly, taking my hands that shot out toward him in defense. His fingers melted between mine, like I’d wanted them to. Dragging his thumbs over the backs, his gaze softened. “I have someone for you already, I can talk to Changbin. I was waiting for the right time to bring it up to you, but… I think he’d be really good for you.” His smile inspired mine. He added softly, “He does a lot of AA work, too.”

“Thank you,” I whispered.

“Of course,” Felix whispered back, stepping closer to me. Taking one of his hands out of my grip, he slipped it behind my neck and beckoned me closer. “C’mere,” he sighed, before pressing his lips to mine. I’d never submitted faster, feeling utterly desperate. This feeling, one I never wanted to forget.

It was over before I had the chance to savor it.

Felix, poking his tongue out between his lips as he pulled away, brushed his nose against mine and gave me the tiniest smile. Within a breath and whisper he rendered me thoughtless. “I like the way you taste, too.”

He left me when we walked out into Haven together, having spotted Jade at the bar with Minho. Ignoring my heart sinking into my stomach, I let him go.

When had those two shown up?

Taking myself back to the tables where my friends sat, I took the spot beside Changbin and slumped backward in the chair, unable to keep the small smile off my lips. Everything was alright, everything was going to be alright, and that was enough. The kiss, one he was so eager to give me, it told me plenty. After however long Felix needed, however long I needed, we were going to be okay.

Taking it slow was a foreign concept to me, but when it came to Felix I felt ready to give it to him. Time. I had meant what I said, that he was worth the wait. He would be worth the wait. The idea of meeting with a therapist, someone on the outside of all of this bullshit, even though it terrified me… Something within me told me I was ready. I hoped.

If I wasn’t, I’d do it for Felix. I’d probably do anything for Felix.

He really was perfect in every way. He felt perfect in every way, and even if he wasn’t, he was to me. His baggage, his shadows, whenever we got the chance to get down it, unpacking them… My heart fluttered. To entrust someone with the deepest parts of themselves, I couldn’t wait to get to it. He’s known mine, everyone has known mine, to some extent. Together Felix and I could shape our world into one where we’ve been the only ones to see the depths. Privacy. A relationship without sixteen hands in its details, stirring the pot.

“What’s got you so smug?” Jeongin asked me, pulling me out of my fantasy filled head. Looking at him past Changbin, who was enthralled by Seungmin’s work horror story, I shrugged my shoulders and let my smile grow.

“Nothing,” I said, and he smirked, his fox-like eyes narrowing.

With a little nod, he took me in, then said, “Happy for you.”

We shared a smile before he focused back in on Seungmin, who even had Han locked in, his eyes open wide. Hopefully he was learning a valuable lesson to never doubt Seungmin’s hard work ever again.

Beneath the table Changbin nudged my knee with one of his, and when I turned to him he was nodding toward the crowd and Felix making his way through it.

Blood running cold, face going warm, I leapt from my chair and held out a hand in question, one he took without a second thought, squeezing it tight. His brows were furrowed, and worry was swimming within his brown eyes, like it had been the first night we were here alone.

Minho.

“What’d he do,” I growled behind gritted teeth.

Felix, looking up at me, shook his head. “He’s just a jerk. Don’t worry about it.”

Reinstating my grip with a squeeze to his hand, I took a deep breath. “What did he do?”

“I was only trying to break the ice, I didn’t want to cause any problems.” Of course not, and he never did. My vision tunneled. My skin burned in anger. Sweet Felix, my sweet Felix. “He said… I fucked this all up,” he gestured around to the guys at the table who paid no mind to us. Except Jeongin. There was a happy curve in his lips as he watched us. “Because I’m… attached to your hip, and if you people are over here, why am I not over there.”

Minho knew nothing.

Did Jade even tell him that she and Felix spoke?

Probably not.

My hands must’ve started shaking, because Felix clasped his other on top of the one he was holding. “Don’t get upset,” he said to me. “It’s not worth it, it’s really okay, it’s not like he said anything…”

“He was rude to you, Lix,” I spat. “He’s always rude to you, he’s always a dick to me. To us. I’m sick of his shit.”

“Let’s just-”

He didn’t have a chance to finish whatever he wanted to tell me. Letting go of his hand I hurried for the bar where I spotted the two of them sitting moments earlier. Minho hovering over Jade, asserting some sort of dominance like I wasn’t on top of her this morning. I bumped into people’s shoulders as I weaved through the crowd, not caring who glared back at me. Tonight wasn’t supposed to include a mission, as Felix would call it, but unfortunately now it did. He was going to stay away from Felix. He got what he wanted, he had his prize. Now, he’d leave mine alone. Us, he’d leave us alone.

“Hey, Min!” I shouted, turning a couple heads that weren’t involved. Approaching the two of them, they turned and I wanted to laugh. Minho had annoyance written on his face, and Jade, fear. This wasn’t about her. I would try my hardest to leave her out of it. It wasn’t me she was afraid of… It was Minho.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” Minho spat. They whispered to one another before he pulled himself away from her, his hands falling from where they laid around her shoulder. “You know damn well you need to walk away.” Unfazed by his bark, I smiled, baring my teeth.

“No, I can’t do that,” I said, rocking backward on my heels. Hands shoved into my pockets, I kept my eyes locked on his. “You disrespected somebody I love.”

Minho grit his teeth. “I could say the same.”

My stomach churned.

So, that’s how he took it.

Letting out a laugh, the only thing that could leave my body as I glanced at Jade cowering behind him, I said, “That was no disrespect, she asked for that.” She didn’t tell him anything. A sickness roiled in my gut. He was under the impression I charmed her, and that’s how she ended up in my bed.

“Liar!” Jade jumped to her feet, the stool wobbling behind her.

Electricity sparked in my veins. Pressing my nails into my thighs within my pockets, I clenched my jaw and tried to take in a deep breath. This would not happen here.

Pouting my lips, I subconsciously scolded myself for the jerk about to come out. The character they forced me into. The person they wanted me to be. The asshole in their story.

We were both to blame for this morning.

“Oh, right,” I cleared my throat, “I’m sorry,” I said, shooting a sarcastic look toward her. Pointing my eyes at Minho, I narrowed them and said, “Did you like my gift I left for you?”

That got him.

Taking a step forward with his fists clenched, Jade grabbed onto his arm to keep him from coming any closer. Her tentative glance at me made me laugh aloud, again.

She had him convinced. Scarily enough, I think she had herself convinced.

Scanning their stance, from her hands around Minho’s muscle to the look in her eyes, I dipped my chin down and said, “You gotta be careful who you trust, baby. You wonder why I knew what I knew?” I glared at Minho with all the hope in the world my eyes could stun him, pacify him.

Confusion slapped her across the face as she quickly shook her head as if to ignore the way my words put a crack in her ‘convinced’ world. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“Yeah, what the hell are you talking about?” He took a quick breath, gulping as he did.

Double agent Changbin.

Minho knew it too. It was all coming to fruition at this moment.

“You’re kidding,” I huffed, finding it all too amusing. “People talk, these people talk. The people over there?” Minho clenched his jaw. “You think because we’re done it means I’m not going to be friends with them anymore?”

“Walk away,” Minho warned. I ignored him entirely, I now spoke directly to Jade, my voice straight laced with venom.

“You think because you fucked up our relationship, it means I’m going to be the one to walk away?” I hated it. All of it. Half of it wasn’t true, but the next bit was, and she knew it. “You make me out to be a villain to all of our friends, do you know what you’ve done to me?”

She shook her head, eyes locked onto mine, she shook her head. Her gaze knew. I could see it.

“Hyunjin, leave,” Minho said louder, trying to scare me off. I couldn’t blame him, I was trying to do the same to him, and for some reason it killed me.

“Shut up, Min,” I whipped my head, my words sharp. “For once in your life, shut up. If you knew how to do that I wouldn’t be so smart, would I?” A sadistic smile found my lips, and it was all too funny, looking down at Jade who’s trust in Minho had been shaken.

“What?” she whispered, looking at him.

“Don’t listen to him, he’s trying to get in your head,” Minho said, looking down at her.

“Not hers,” I said, taking a few steps closer to him. “Yours.”

“I really, really need you to walk away,” he spoke through his teeth.

Laughing, I asked, “Why?” I narrowed my eyes. “Afraid she’ll realize she misses the good dick and will come running back?” I paused and glanced down at Jade. “Oh, wait… She already did.”

I deserved it I suppose.

Minho’s fist driving into my jaw, my teeth.

It’d been a long time coming.

I also hadn’t fought anyone in a long, long time, so this would be interesting.

A crowd had formed around us, Minho had laid me out in the middle of the floor where people had been dancing. Everything went quiet, I couldn’t hear much aside from the ringing in my ears and his pathetic voice spurring me on.

By the time I got back to my feet I had thrown two shots, but he blocked them both.

Forgot this dude was a dancer. His hand eye coordination would be somewhat better than my own.

He got me again, twice in the gut as he hooked an arm around my neck.

“You think you can fuck me up?” Minho’s voice was poison in my ear. “You gay boy, you think you can fuck me up?”

That word.

Suppose that was how I’d do it.

Sending a fist upward, I heard his teeth clack together when my knuckles met his jaw. Grabbing onto his shoulders I pulled him into a headlock and he attempted to drive a knee into my gut, but I turned in time.

“You worthless piece of shit,” Minho spat, shoving me away by driving an elbow into my side, sending me stumbling backward. The look in his eyes was maddening. I was an angry person, my father was an angry person. I’ve seen the demon come alive in more ways than one. When you grow up with a father like mine, you’re conditioned to be able to pick out the monsters in this world.

He swung at me and I ducked, then all of a sudden Chan appeared, slinging an arm around Minho’s chest. They shared words, Minho shouted at him, I couldn’t process it.

That look. His eyes. It was terrifying.

I couldn’t breathe.

Minho knocked Chan away with just his hips, and he lunged for me.

Dancing around him, I heaved a breath and threw a fist at him, right into his jaw for the second time, throwing off his next move. His head was thrown backward, sideways.

“Hyunjin!”

Felix’s voice.

Hands met my back, then left. Then, they came back.

Whenever I wasn’t engaged with the beast in front of me, Felix’s hands were holding onto me.

Minho was still going.

He was still sizing me up, on attack. He watched me. He eyed me down. Wasn’t going to let him hurt me anymore. Was going to show him I could fight back. I was stronger than I was at twelve.

“Stop.” Felix’s voice got through to me again. “You don’t have to do this, Hyunjin, stop!”

Blinking, I glanced to my right, and he was there, distraught. He was upset.

I couldn’t keep my eyes off him for too long, he’d strike while I wasn’t paying attention, and God knew how easy it was for me to not pay attention. He’s only told me again and again.

Minho came toward me, his knee finally meeting my gut, and before I could think, I had my hand across his face, and another fist in his teeth. Both of his hands grabbed onto my neck and paralyzed me in place. Squeezing me with utmost force, I gasped, my chin tipping up further as he held me tighter. It was as if he was trying to lift me off the ground.

Shouting.

There was shouting.

Screams, too, like high pitched screams, but they didn’t last for too long.

Everything was gone when I opened my eyes.

On my back in the middle of Haven, surrounded by peoples whispers, I couldn’t feel much. It was all blurry. Felix held me, my head laying in his lap where he sat with his legs stretched out on the floor. Changbin was on the other side of me, at least I could hear his voice. He was saying something to another familiar voice… Dina.

“Hyunjin,” Felix whispered, laying over me, pressing his lips to my forehead. “Look at me, look up at me.”

Jeongin was by my feet, standing up. He was facing the crowd of people that flocked, trying to scope out the scene. With the occasional look back at Felix, Changbin and I, he waved people off. He was protecting me.

“Felix, let me,” Seungmin’s voice said from somewhere behind my vision. I assumed he was near Felix because he appeared at my side, opposite Changbin. Felix sat up, his hands splaying over my chest.

Taking my chin in his hands, Seungmin moved one hand down to check my pulse, then he pulled at my eyes gently with his thumbs and studied my consciousness. “Can you hear me, Hyunjin?” I pushed a hum from my chest. “Can you tell me you hear me?”

My jaw trembled as I opened it. “I can hear you.”

The words hurt. It came out in a whisper, but it hurt.

Nausea filled my being.

“You were out for eighty six seconds,” Seungmin said. “You’re going to feel fucking awful. Don’t move.” He took his hand to my wrist, pressing a thumb into my skin. “Dina, we’re okay,” he turned his head to shout, the sound piercing my ears.

Curly blonde hair appeared next to Jeongin, her worried eyes watching me, wide and afraid. “Are you sure?” Seungmin nodded, reassuring her with a look. “Fuckin’ hell.” She glanced at the bystanders still around and threw her hands in front of her. “What the fuck do y’all think this is?! Get out!”

The lights were on, and the music had stopped. When? I have no idea.

I was out for eighty six seconds. My throat burned, my head throbbing so bad I wished the lights would shut off.

“Home,” I managed to whisper, successfully curling my fingers after attempting to get them to move. Felix’s hands slid up to my shoulders, his touch soft.

“We will,” he said, leaning over me to kiss my temple. “We’ll go home. When Seungmin says we can go, we’ll go.”

I was able to move my hands entirely, then seconds later I could lift my arms, though when I did they fell straight to my stomach. I had no strength.

Seungmin, who allowed me to try to move, tilted his chin. “You’re not gonna like it if you keep doing that,” he warned. “This one’s probably going to have to carry you out of here.” He nodded at Changbin.

“Not the first time I’ve had to do that,” he smiled at me. “You’re a nut,” he said, his smile shifting into one of concern. “I’ve seen you hold your own, I know you’re good in a fight, but no one can against that bastard.”

Squinting, I shifted my jaw side to side, pain starting to manifest there. “He won,” I whispered.

Changbin scoffed, sharing a look with Seungmin and Felix. “He choked you out, bro. He fights dirty. You got him pretty good, but he wasn’t losing this one.” Putting a hand over one of mine, he lowered his brows. “Are you okay?”

Three simple words that’d sound normal to anyone else.

A funny question to ask someone after they’d been choked unconscious for eighty six seconds.

But, I knew what he meant.

Trying to swallow, a groan came out of my chest. Feeling a tear roll from my eye, down my cheek, Felix brushed it away with his thumb. I tried to look at him, but I couldn’t move my head without feeling like I’d vomit. Sharing in Changbin’s knowing gaze, I blinked and whispered, “No.”

haven masterlist ✧ talk to me ✧ thank you for reading <3

you do not have permission to copy or translate my works without my consent.

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chimivx · 2 years ago

Text

TASTE. -> 'Haven' from the POV of Hyunjin. (Part One of Six)

summary: "Bad things happen in love. That's why I've spent my entire life rejecting it. Everyone I've ever fallen for has failed me, and it's happening all over again, and I get to watch."

word count: 11k

warnings: 18+, infidelity themes all throughout, toxic friendships/relationships, mentions of sex, alcohol abuse, struggles with mental health themes, cursing, if I missed anything PLEASE LET ME KNOW!

a/n: So, this is happening. This is altering my entire Haven universe. Originally, this is the time period I had Haven set in when I first created it... I see a rewrite happening in the future. Enjoy this, and please leave me a message of your thoughts! YES, I had to name the female MC. If she has your name, congrats!

Fixating my eyes on the bland, white ceiling above me, I lay awake for the third night in a row, unable to shake the thoughts that infected my mind like a parasite. Incessant mocking strings of words that my subconscious seems to have created itself for the pure purpose of self torture. Life’s always been that way though, my subconscious versus my conscious mind, both whispering things to me in a way that made it difficult to decipher what was actually real.

During the night after I’ve buried myself beneath my sheets was when they loved to linger. When things got quiet, the thoughts crept out, spilling me secrets, but if it was a night like tonight, they screamed. For weeks now, they’ve been screaming.

Mere hours ago, before the lights were shut off, I had my arms wrapped around the girl who now slept soundly beside me. Straddling my waist with her hands tangled in my hair, we took one another with a hunger, sweating while she sang out a beautiful song inspired by her own lust fueled desire. Each and every time we slept together it was disgustingly greedy, yet relieving, and all the more mind-numbing.

Jade, fast asleep, her eyelashes tickling her cheeks, always appeared as beautiful as her name introduced her. Much like the stone she shares a title with, her personal qualities weren’t as far off. Since I’ve met her she’s been level headed, mature, and honest. Never once have I had to question her sincerity whenever I’m seven inches within her, nor have I wondered whether or not she’d stray away from me.

Until about two months ago.

It was probably my own damn fault somehow, I just can’t seem to piece together where it began, or what the underlying cause was. Within these nights laying awake I start to assume it’s the subconscious cooking it up, but if I attempt to delve deeper into the situation it seems to appear before me clear as day.

She was falling in love with Minho.

The nine of us friends had been hanging out for almost half a year before Jade and I started to hook up. Our group was formed beneath the roof of Haven, all of us were regulars, and Minho was a bartender there, so naturally we grew attached to each other.

Jeongin and Seungmin knew one another previously, childhood best friends or something, if I can remember, as did Minho and Han. Changbin was a close friend of mine through school, we attended university together a few years back, the two of us in the same fraternity. He had a good friend at work, Felix, who he ended up bringing around, and the blonde seemed to find a place with us. That boy was an Aussie, like Chan who was introduced to us through Jade. Those two were college friends as well.

Naturally we fell into little subunits as all friend groups do, though we clung to the ones we started out with. Jade, I’ve noticed, couldn’t let go of Chan, and for good reason. He was a good dude, he worked in a gym, and I didn’t absolutely hate his guts. At least I knew that if she was with him she was going to be safe- which is a thought that always shook me to the depths of my core, and it wasn’t because I was worried about her well-being.

Well, maybe it was because I was worried about her well-being, but that was what terrified me. I had gotten to the point with her that made me want to throw it all away, it was entirely nauseating, every waking second of it.

Taking a glimpse of her now in the dark where she lay with her lips slightly parted, her gorgeous hair pushed backward and her hands beneath the cheek that lays on one of my pillows, there’s a pit that forms in my stomach, one that sends an electric spark up into my heart, spreading throughout my nervous system. If she was dreaming her lips would twitch. I’d gazed at her enough as she’s slept this past year to be able to figure out what was happening in that spectacular mind of hers without her needing to use words to express it.

It’s how I knew she was falling in love with Minho.

Lurching forward with a gentleness to not disturb her, I press the palms of my hands to my eyes and rub vigorously, trying to clear my head of the things I didn’t want to hear. Taking a slow, deep breath with caution, I sense the familiar tightness around my heart and sigh.

As soon as I think about it, it happens. Another breath rips through my chest without warning, and then another. They were coming in quick, their speed relentless, my heart accompanying their pace. I glance down at Jade who hasn’t seemed to stir. She was asleep, I didn’t want to bother her, I wasn’t sure I wanted her help at all. I knew what I needed to do.

Tossing the covers off of me my feet hit the floor, a cool sensation shooting up my legs helping to ease the panic in the slightest way. Hurrying for the door I snatch the doorknob and throw it open, my head beginning to go dizzy.

I rush into the kitchen with a clobber, slamming my hands onto one of the counters feeling absolutely no pain. Blind with anxiety, I begin to rifle through cabinets, slamming their doors along with a couple of drawers.

Where is it, are the only words I can conjure up.

A couple minutes later, or it could’ve been thirty seconds for all I can actively be aware of- I find it. A little more than half a bottle of Don Juilio that Changbin gifted me for my last birthday. It was pushed in the back, hidden behind Jades margarita mixes and fruity shit she’s tried to put me on. Jutting my arm in, knocking over stacked plastic cups and packages full of bendy straws, I maneuver the round glass bottle out of the cabinet without knocking over anything expensive.

Plopping to the floor, I pop the tequila open and take a gulp. It’s cool against my tongue, but it should burn a little as it goes down. It doesn’t. Taking another swig I can’t even feel my chest warm like it should while I drink this. I can’t feel a thing.

Typically this gets paired with some sort of soda, adding a dash of the tequila into the glass before the fizzy mixer is poured inside. Changbin was better at making the drinks, he has been since college. At every party he was the one in charge of the alcohol, making sure we never got a keg. With Changbin it had to be dressed up, a little more spicy than average- which was how he preferred his women.

To me, it didn’t matter. In college I drank to get drunk, and apparently my friends would agree that that still reigns true. I didn’t care if the alcohol was aged perfectly, if it was pricey or if it was cheap, nor did it matter the packaging it came in. If it cleared my head, made me forget what I wanted to forget, and got me off, I was set. Which, ultimately, was how I preferred my women. Or my men. Or my… people.

I knock back another gulp of Don Juilio.

I’d never include Jade in that analogy, though. She was different. She was infectious. She made me break my rules.

We were together, but we weren’t together. We shared a bed, she lived within the walls of my apartment, but we weren’t together. She had her own dresser in my bedroom, her toothbrush resided in my bathroom, but we weren’t together. In the morning’s she’d cook me breakfast and bring it to me with a kiss on the cheek, but we weren’t together.

My heart fluttered whenever I would think about her. She found ways to turn my cheeks pink on days when I never thought I’d smile again. She was magnificent.

Jade was the only girl in my life who didn’t throw herself at me the moment we had met. Most women I interact with try to pick me up or ask if I’m single, then try to get me into bed- you don’t see me complaining- but, Jade. The very first thing I ever said to her was sarcastic, something smart rolling off my tongue when our eyes first caught a glimpse of one another, and she laughed.

It wasn’t a cute laugh. It wasn’t a ‘oh my god, cute boy, you’re so funny, let me giggle like a girl to get you to like me’ laugh. Her laugh was loud, and it was quick, and it turned heads. Essentially she was really scoffing at me, unable to believe I had strolled up to her and Chan at the bar and been so confidently cocky.

She got me right back with a joke that crippled Changbin and Chan, she tossed something together fast about how I compared to one of the neon lights on the wall. It was a flamingo holding a bottle of tequila if I’m not mistaken. Even then she knew me, she could see me.

Months after that was the first time we had kissed, inside Haven, those wooden planked walls becoming a safe place for us. Then soon after we seeked sanctuary in a bathroom stall, drunkenly stupid enough to fuck without caring who came inside to use the other one beside it.

I had played a careful game, intrigued with how she seemed to play it right back. That’s what drew me to her. She was equally as meticulous as I was, though she appeared like the type to want stability, and after getting to know her some more, that’s what she craved.

Dealing with me she knew she wasn’t going to get a relationship, at least not the kind where we’d call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. That was something I didn’t do, something that made my skin crawl.

Titles were a subject for disaster, it always ended in a mess, at least from what I know. I’ve had my own share of enough broken hearts in the past to be repulsed by the idea of a title. Of exclusivity. Belonging to someone, and someone belonging to you, only to have them rip your heart out and tear it to shreds after they confess that they see a forever with you, leading you on, isolating you from your friends and family.

People leave. People don’t care.

With Jade I figured I was saving myself, protecting us both from the horrors of heartbreak. But, somewhere within the year I broke my rules.

I was insufferably in love with her.

And she was falling in love with Minho.

Another swig from the bottle I grasped. And then another.

She was falling in love with Minho. I could see it in her eyes whenever they spoke.

He was capable of giving her everything she wanted.

Another swig, that became more of a gulp.

She was falling in love with Minho, and I was doing everything in my power to push her away. I was wrecking her trust, breaking her down, making her cry, and she wouldn’t leave. I was telling her things to her face, things I had done, things that would cause any person in their right mind to leave me, and she wouldn’t go.

Another gulp.

Our friends said things to me, things I couldn’t begin to put together right now, but I knew they weren’t nice. They watched me hurt her again and again, they’ve tried to tell her to leave me, I know that they have. I know Minho has gotten her ear before, this one shocked me the most, because if she was going to listen to anyone I figured it’d be Minho.

My heart yearned, it ached for her.

The worst part about it was that she loved me too, at least I think she does, seeing as though she’s still here after I’ve cheated on her three different times. I’ve slept with three different girls, and she hasn’t left. Jennie, who I met in Haven, a senior in college out here visiting family for the summer. Lia, who I met at the liquor store, she lived a few neighborhoods over. Nayeon, who I met- No. I never had sex with Nayeon. I kissed her though, and she touched my dick.

Another gulp. The glass clangs against the ground as the bottom of the bottle hits it, my arm getting heavy.

Jade knew everything. She found out about Nayeon last week, and she’s still here.

God, I love her, so fucking much, but I’m pretty sure she’s falling in love with Minho.

Another… another gulp, I attempt. My arms fall limp first, then my back meets the tiled floor, and I don’t know if it’s because of the Don Juilio that’s nearly empty or the panic attack.

“What the fuck, Hyunjin.”

Her spine chilling tone wakes me up. Opening my eyes to the sun leaking through the windows, I turn my chin to look at her and take a deep breath, one that inflates my lungs completely. Jade, standing behind me at the door she just slammed shut, is draped in golden rays of light. It definitely wasn’t morning.

A dull ache rips through my head, my eyes feeling like they could roll back and sink into my skull. They’d roll down to my stomach that churned as I moved my eyes around the room. I was still in the middle of the kitchen splayed out on the floor.

Jade was dressed for work, all black head to toe, with her hair pulled back to keep it out of her face. A little nametag was perched on her chest by her left shoulder where her name was spelled out in cute block letters that she wrote herself. In her hand she carried a brown paper bag that gave off the scent that something delicious was inside, something I’d devour if I wasn’t fighting away nausea.

“I brought you dinner,” she said, her tone flat. Looking away from me she takes herself over to the table and tosses the bag onto the wood, not caring whether or not its contents got jostled. A sigh contorted with a groan escapes her as she walks down the hall toward the bedroom, pulling her shirt over her head.

“Dinner,” I mumbled, rubbing one of my eyes. Attempting to sit up, I roll onto my side and tuck my knees into my chest, propping myself up on them along with my hands. The headache roars through my brain, the room turning blurry for a few seconds.

Sitting back on my heels my hands swing to my side, my left pinky finger tapping what felt like glass. Turning my chin down slowly, I hook my pinky into the lip of the bottle and pull it onto my lap, sighing at what I’d found. An empty bottle of Don Juilio Tequila sat in the dip of my thighs.

“Jade?” I called out, looking toward the bedroom where she had disappeared. I don’t remember how I ended up here.

In a pair of jeans that hugged her hips just right, and a white tank top- that I think was mine- tucked into the front of the waist, Jade turned out of the doorway, shooting me a glare. Her hands were occupied with a brush, pushing her hair backward with the bristles before shaking it all forward. When she tossed it back it was like she moved in slow motion.

God, she was beautiful.

“What?” her tone didn’t match her appearance. She was pissed.

Gesturing toward the floor, moving like I’d aged seventy years, I shook my head and shrugged my shoulders. “When did I…?”

“Beats me,” she grills, perking a brow. “You were there when I left for work, I figured you’d be up by the time I got back, like last time.”

“You didn’t hear me get up?” I asked, genuinely looking for help. Jade simply shakes her head. “I don’t remember getting up.”

“You sure made a mess,” she scoffs, then disappears again.

Turning over my shoulder, slowly, I’m greeted by half open drawers and cabinets. The one beside me, the liquor cabinet, had its contents spilling out the front onto the tile. Plastic red cups were scattered about, and bottles inside the shelf were knocked over.

“What the fuck,” I whisper to myself.

“You can clean it up,” Jade said, coming back out into the kitchen now with a pair of boots on her feet peeking out from under her flared jeans. She’d put lipstick on, a mauve color, and some mascara. Always so simple, yet convicting, and she didn’t even know it.

“Where are you going?” I asked, watching her dance about the kitchen, unpacking the bag she had brought in, crumbling it up to push it into the garbage that lived beneath our sink. Her jeans stretched as she bent over and my heart wanted to burst.

“Haven,” she said, turning around to look down at me. Her eyes travel to the glass on my lap. “Han, Chan and Minho are going.”

Minho.

Suddenly her shade of lipstick made me want to smash the bottle I held into a trillion little pieces. I remembered how I’d gotten here on the floor.

“Oh,” I mumbled, bobbing my head, gazing up at her through the dark pieces of hair that fell onto my forehead. Jade’s eyes study mine, hers laced with uncertainty and a shit ton of empathy.

“You can come with me, yanno,” she said, her sharp tone easing down to one nicer. Licking my lips, tasting a tinge of the tequila, I nod. She offers me a small smile and a hand.

She aids me to my feet and gives my cheek a quick kiss before she whispers, “You need help.” And she’s sufficiently, accurately, shot me in the heart. Though it was spoken with quaint intention, it didn’t soften the blow, not when I’ve heard those three words before. The first time was degrading, and humiliating, and it didn’t come from Jade.

Taking the bottle from my hands she places it on the countertop much more carefully than it appeared I had been moving last night. She backs away from me with two steps and gestures behind her.

“Get yourself ready,” she said. “They want to meet at six.”

Right. Minho.

“If you want,” she adds before I can walk away from her, “I can call Changbin, maybe ask if he wants to join us?” Rubbing the back of my neck I take a breath. How, in her right mind, is she being nice to me?

“He works,” I said, dropping my hand at my side, “But… sure.”

Checking out my appearance one last time, Jade smiles, bigger this time. I can’t even begin to imagine how I look after hours passed out on the floor in a drunken daze. My headache pounded like a kickdrum in my ears and it felt like I was wearing twenty pound weights on each of my limbs.

“Okay,” she sighed. “I’ll give him a call, go take a shower.”

Taking myself down the hall, leaving her in the kitchen, I step into the bathroom and lock the door behind me. Pressing my back against the white wooden panel, I groan and close my eyes for a couple of seconds. The thought of having to put up with Minho for another night made me more nauseous than the tequila, and the fact that Jade was all done up for the evening threatened to make me panic.

Panic and Minho. That was definitely how I ended up in the kitchen on the floor. It always stemmed from there, the overthinking, the imposter syndrome, the false thoughts that weasled into my mind without consent. Imposter Syndrome was laughable, and it is. I wasn’t under the impression Jade was falling in love with Minho. I knew she was falling in love with Minho.

Oh my god, Hyunjin, turn on the shower.

Tearing back the curtain I spin the knob on the wall to scorching hot, letting the small room fill with steam. If I could sweat out this hangover in a few minutes I’d be good to go for the night, I’d be back on my game, ready to handle Minho and her other friends.

Jade said she’d call Changbin, and I prayed that she would. Chan and Han were great, but they were the closest to Minho. Add Jade into the mix pestering her best friend Chan all night, perpetually flirting with Minho without even realizing, and that leaves me alienated, all to myself. Bad things happen when I’m left to myself. Jade would obtain another reason to leave me, and I guarantee, no matter what, she still wouldn’t.

I wasn’t going to be the one to break it off. It wouldn’t be me saying the words, I needed Jade to say it. She had to be the one to leave me, I loved her too much to let her go.

The heat swirling around the air did anything but make me sweat out my condition, instead it made me even more dizzy and nauseous, prompting me to collapse in front of the toilet, getting sick, twice.

Now that made me feel a little better.

Rubbing a few fingers over my lips I slipped two between my teeth, maybe I could make myself do it again…

“Jinnie?” Jade knocks on the door a couple of times. Slapping both hands to the ceramic, I look at the frame and gulp.

“Yeah?” I question after clearing my throat.

“Changbin said he’ll come by after he gets off work,” she said, “Felix is going to come with him, too.” The skinny little blonde Australian boy. Changbin liked him, and those two got along really well. Felix was funny, the moments I’ve spent with him I’ve enjoyed, so I guess his presence tonight would do me some good.

“Okay,” I mumble, willing her with my mind to walk away. “Thanks.”

“We’ll have fun tonight,” she said, hovering by the door it seemed. “I promise.”

You’ll have fun tonight, I huffed. If her attention was going to be on Minho and her friends for the evening I suppose I could take it upon myself to get to know the boy who acted as Changbin’s shadow whenever they were around. Kind of quiet, Felix seemed shallow, like he wasn’t always all the way there, but I probably didn’t know him well enough.

I’d like to give him the benefit of the doubt and not let his bleach blonde hair and ditzy smile he always wore get in the way of getting through to him personally. A friend of Changbins could easily be a friend of mine. Being so hooked on Jade I’ve barely had time to even learn where Felix lived. Maybe he’d be the best distraction for the evening.

And so, the subunits within the group will shift. If my predictions were right, if Jade was… falling in love with Minho, then there was no doubt she’d get pulled away by Han and Chan. It already seemed as if those three had a plan set in place to pluck her out of here, so I needed a second option. I needed people on my side, people to stand with me if the nine of us were to separate, or if Jade were to leave me.

Changbin and Felix seemed like an excellent option.

Jade always said that Haven was musty. The old bar was just that, musty. It smelled of heavy old pine and Budweiser, the dark wooden planked walls keeping every scent trapped within the close quarters. There wasn’t a single window on any wall except small rectangular ones in the bathrooms. The screens to the outside were old, a little ripped and covered in cobwebs.

The bar had to have been open for, like, twenty years, since at least the middle of the sixties. The walls and stained concrete floor gave away its age. Arnold, the man who owned the place- Minho’s boss- appeared to be from the sixties as well. Some days I’d be willing to half listen to the history lesson he gave our group whenever he approached us to greet Minho, the old man gloating about his bar, how it’s been family owned for years and that he cannot believe ‘young people’ like us still loved to come here.

Jade loved to listen, she found it fascinating it seemed. Most times I could care less, I just wanted a drink, and I’d love nothing more than to tell Arnold what he could do better with his building, starting with the windows in the bathroom.

It wasn’t my favorite place, but it gave me Jade, and I’m still trying to piece together whether that was a good thing or not.

I could place the blame on the neon multicolored lights or the cheap drinks that were poured heavily for bringing this selfless, incredible girl into my life. These four walls were the reason I was suffering. Something stirred in the air here, something that induced us all into a love drunk haze. Like some type of hallucination you don’t realize the outcome until you’re living with it four months later, saying ‘I love you’ every night.

Already on the dance floor, Jade was moving effortlessly beside Chan. The dark curly haired boy wore a cut off tank, a t-shirt he cut the sleeves off of, and jeans shorts rolled at the knee. A brown belt was strapped around his waist and a skinny gold chain hung snuggly at the base of his neck.

We’ve been here only ten minutes and the two were already a drink deep, lost in the music that blasted from the speakers on the walls.

Sitting at a table in the back corner that our group always occupied, I was slouched in one of the creaky wooden high top chairs with my hand wrapped around a glass full of liquor I was unable to get down. I wanted to chug it before Han and Minho showed their faces.

At least before Han showed his face. The boy was a nuisance. He was loud and nosey, he had to know everything about everybody. I limited the amount of conversations I shared with the chestnut brown, fluffy haired boy. He would never get his sticky little fingers on any of my dirt, but with how he’s gotten close to Jade I can only assume he’s already heard it all. I’ve been on the receiving end of one too many questionable glances recently.

“Jinnie!”

Glancing up from the glass my eyes were attempting to shatter a hole into, I found Jade swaying her hips side to side waving a hand toward me. She wore a smile, a big one. Beside Chan was when she was the happiest, especially if she was also within these decrepit walls.

“What?” I call out to her, my voice nearly drowned out by the bass. Jade takes a breath to answer, but instead hurries over to my side. Chan’s eyes follow her, the content of his expression subtly shifted into unease- at least I think it did.

Jade grabs onto my bare arm and gives me a shake, one that tumbles my stomach. “Come dance, please?” Her voice is sappy-sweet. The drink in front of me appears all the more appetizing.

“Why?” I asked, looking up into her pleading eyes. “You have Chan, go dance with him.”

Her lips form a pout. “I wanna dance with you.”

“I don’t want to dance,” I said. “I still don’t feel good.” Half of a truth.

Jade’s pout dissolves into a frown, her eyebrows taking a nosedive as well. “You never want to anymore,” she said quietly, dropping her grip on me. “What can I do to make you want to dance?”

“I… I dunno,” I shrugged, folding my arms across my chest. A playful smirk tugs at her lips. “You can let me-”

Nudging me with a hip she pulls at the bottom of her tank, untucking it from her jeans, wiggling it up a bit to flash a bit of her midriff. “No, I can get you out there,” she giggles, “I know I can.”

“Stop,” I said. She only slips her tank up a bit further, drifting higher and higher until I reached out and pulled her arms down to her sides. “Stop!”

Rubbing her palms against the denim she wore she bobs her head and licks her lips. The playful energy was wiped away the second I touched her. Taking a step away from me she mumbles, “Bet when Changbin’s here you’ll dance.”

Her black boots take her away to her best friend who, if he wasn’t before, was definitely glaring at me now.

“Fantastic,” I said to myself, focusing back down on the glass that was leaving a ring of moisture on the faded table in front of me. Add it to the list of reasons her friends hated me, or the list of reasons she should leave me, but won’t.

What I said wasn’t a lie, I truthfully wasn’t feeling well, and she knew that. She woke me up only a couple hours ago. I was hungover, and tired, and nauseous, and anxious. Jade didn’t know the anxious part, I kept that to myself, but she knew everything else. I didn’t think it was a crime to not want to dance when I barely had enough energy to hold my head up.

Part of me hates to admit that she was right. I planned to get up somehow when Changbin got here, but only because he was my safety net. Dancing next to Chan, who’s most likely out for blood, without backup wasn’t on my to-do list tonight.

Wrapping my hand around the glass I take a swig, fighting it down with a nauseating cringe. The dark liquor burned the back of my throat, warming my chest. “Christ,” I mumbled. My eyes flicker up to some commotion happening on the dance floor, and to no surprise, Han is there already running his mouth. The boy's hands move a mile a minute, attempting to keep up with his words.

His hair was styled differently, typically it hung over his eyes naturally parted in the center, but tonight the fluff was straightened, completely covering his forehead. In each ear he wore two diamond studs, one smaller and one larger, in size order with a silver chain around his neck to match. Looking at his hands that were latched to Jade’s shoulders I’m surprised to find him ringless. Normally he’d adorn his fingers with flashy rings, more jewelry to show off what a phenomenal job he had.

If he’s not talking about other people, he’s talking about that damn job. His dream job, his fantasy, his ‘so lucky to get straight out of college’ job- working right below the head of the company, the assistant for the CEO or the boss, whichever one Han says. I can’t even remember what the company even does. Jade’s brought it up, something to do with… stocks? Banks?

Either way, he’s the CEO’s son. He was getting that job whether he really wanted it or not, and now he gets to brag about his most amazing life.

I knocked back another swig of my drink with the intention of Han becoming a blur, he moved quick enough anyways, and then another when I noticed the three of them were looking my way. Jade’s smile had started to fade, Chan was biting his bottom lip, and Han wore a grin.

Here we go.

Almost taking out three different people after he detached himself from Jade, Han swaggered over to the table as if he’d already been drinking. When he sat down and leaned toward me, he reeked of vodka and his heavy ass Calvin Klein cologne. In case his get up wasn’t enough he had to make sure people knew he had money by his scent. I’m pretty sure people in the next town over could smell him.

“What in the hell are you doing over here by yourself?” he asked, resting an elbow on the back of the chair he had to jump into. He was four inches shorter than me.

Raising a brow I answered quietly, “Didn’t she already tell you?”

“Who?!” Han’s expression twists into goofy confusion, his eyes going wide. “Jade? No, she didn’t tell me anything. I asked where you were.”

“Oh,” I said, eyeing his flattened hair. Between the gleam of the shiny strands and his gaudy jewelry, his style and personality were entirely out of balance.

“Why so moody, bad boy?” he teased, nudging my arm with an elbow. Pulling away I curled my lip and glared behind him. Jade and Chan couldn’t care less, Nelly Furtado was blaring through the speakers and they were singing every word.

“Not moody,” I sighed. “Hungover.”

Han glanced at the drink in front of me and smirked. “Then you may want to drink that a little faster.”

Gritting my teeth, I said, “Believe me, I’m trying.”

The two of us are startled by a shriek from the dance floor, and then a shout. Han whipped himself around and before I could brace myself he’s shouting as well.

A muscular figure with broad shoulders and silver hair dressed all in black was swinging an arm around Jade, hugging her half around the shoulders. It appeared entirely innocent, the way he kept his head tilted away from her, and how he only allowed himself to use one arm.

Jade used two, throwing both around his chest, keeping her body on the side of his. Given another circumstance she’d have buried herself in him completely, but maybe she just wasn’t drunk enough yet.

She fit right beneath his arm perfectly, like the little crook was made for her. They were both just the right height, neither one was too tall nor small. Jade was shorter than me, way shorter than me. She was shorter than Han, and that kid was short.

“Minho!” he shouted, gripping the back of his chair like a child, dragging out the last letter in the dreaded name that kicked me in the stomach. Tipping my head backward I’m able to down the rest of my drink easily, getting used to the burn, finding a comfort within it as my insides are ignited with nerves.

Silver hair is flipped toward us at the table. His eyes were dark, they always were, but even more so as he took me in. The rare lit up smile on his face falters as our eyes meet, almost as if he knew I was onto him. As much as Jade had been pining after him, Minho had been after her just the same.

The boy dressed in black, just as I was, carried himself with a confident swagger. Minho never cared too much about anything, but all at the same time, cared entirely too much. He was an expert at hiding how he was feeling, it made him a tedious person to be around. Without a quirk of a brow or a frown to go off of, I could never tell what was going through his mind. Unless he was around Jade. The cold exterior seemed to melt a bit if she were around.

“What’s going on?” I hear Minho ask, which can only mean he’s coming closer. Han was beside me, of course he would come closer. The two were attached at the hip.

Standing in front of Han, Minho takes a hand to his best friend's cheek and gives it a squeeze without making a face. I feel his eyes pan over to me, the two soulless pits of dismay attempting to eat me alive so he could swoop in and take away my Jade.

My heart starts to beat heavily, pounding against my ribcage. Curling my fingers on the empty glass I clung to, I debate getting up to refill my glass, but that would give Minho an invitation to talk about me. The two were babbling about Han’s work day anyway, would they even care if I left?

Slipping out of my chair I try to catch my balance, almost falling into the table. Both Han and Minho exclaim some sounds of shock, then laughter once they realize I’m steady on my feet. Faking a smile I tip my empty glass and pop my eyebrows.

“And this was only one,” I said, rounding the table, attempting to escape Han’s dreadful cologne and Minho’s resentful glare.

“And counting last night, or, this morning. Stop the tequila!” Han laughed, waving a finger in my direction. Rolling my shoulders back I eyed him curiously. Minho takes in my figure and I want nothing more than to crawl away to the bar, where I can drown my sorrows in liquor and be alone. He had a way of making people feel so small.

Mulling over what Han has said, I chuckled and nodded, wiggling the glass around. “So she did tell you already,” I said, shooting him a glance with as much intensity as Minho was grilling me with. Han’s lips pull into an adorable smirk as he lowers his chin and flashes me his puppy dog eyes.

“I didn’t want you to know she told me,” he said, his tone sweet. “If you wanted me to know you would’ve said something.”

“Told you what?” Minho asked him, looking between the two of us. Rolling my eyes I heard Minho laugh as I turned over my shoulder to finally walk away. He would get the info out of Han in a heartbeat, in fact, he didn’t really need to ask him, Han would let it slip out eventually. He’s got an uncontrollable desire to gossip, his well being depended on it.

Keeping my eyes pointed forward I make it to the bar without any distractions and plant my glass down on the wood that matched the tables and sit down on one of the stools with a cushion flatter than my will to stay here for the night. The bartender with blonde hair hanging at her shoulders in what I assume is her natural curl pattern approaches me and takes my glass, giving me a smile.

“What’ll it be next?” she asked, resting an elbow on the edge. Her blue eyes hint that I should make my way back here later after her shift is over. She couldn’t have been older than me, if anything she was a bit younger. I’ve seen her here behind the bar a couple of nights prior to tonight, meaning she must not know who any of us were yet. The other bartenders knew how to fill up my glass and leave me be, like Minho.

“Uh, may as well give me the bottle,” I said, and it made her laugh. Attempting to smile, the sound she makes resembles one that every other female I’ve come into contact with has made.

“I’m afraid that’s against the rules,” she said, leaning toward me, now resting both her elbows on the bar. Mimicking her, I cross my arms over my chest and set them on the ledge. She took my gesture as some sort of incentive because the smile that took over her glossy lips gave me the impression that she thought I was flirting with her. “You come around here a lot?”

“Unfortunately,” I mumbled, peering down at the glass she took from me. “You’re new. My friends are here all the time, you’ll get to know us eventually.”

“You with Minho?” she asked, narrowing her eyes. Nodding in response I watch as she laughs to herself and taps the glass on the wood. “I gotchu.”

“What’s your name?”

“Dina,” she said. “Are you Jeongin or Changbin?” It was my turn to huff out a laugh.

“Close,” I smirked. “Hyunjin.”

Dina’s blue eyes are sparked full of intrigue. “Ah,” she sings aloud, “Interesting. In that case,” she holds up the glass, “I really do gotchu. Gimme a minute.”

After grabbing the glasses of the people beside me, Dina whisked her way down the bar to whip up whatever she had planned, or whatever she had heard about me from Minho, and that I can only imagine is a trip. Her flirty eyes switched to ones that irked my soul. She attempted to look through me, she wanted to know me, but only my dirt. No one ever wanted to know more.

Knitting my hands together, I draw my thumb over a small callus on my palm, hook my feet on the rungs of the stool beneath me and sigh. The appearance of my hands reflected how I felt. Torn up, battered, and bruised. As repulsive as they were to me, Jade could never, ever get enough. She couldn’t even describe why they did what they did to her, they just drove her nuts, and she didn’t even care if my work beat them up, she said it made them sexier.

In all of my time spent with her, an entire year, she almost always zoned in to my appearance- complimenting how I looked, messing with my hair, kissing my knuckles, admiring my nose. In those moments that’s when she turns into the other girls, briefly, when she’s got her fingers laced in my hair and she’s biting my lip- because at the end of the day that’s all they want from me.

A full glass is placed in front of me pulling me out of my thoughts that were seconds away from spiraling. Dina is back with a small smile, popping a straw into the tall cup. With a wink she leans over the bar and whispers, “You’ve got a blonde checking you out over there.” Her blue eyes flicker behind me momentarily before she smiles warmly and hurries away to take care of her other guests.

I’ve got a blonde checking me out over there. She definitely didn’t know us, or didn’t know I was kind of involved with Jade. Unless Minho’s recruited her as well, making her play wingman to push me further away from the group, further away from Jade.

Picking up my glass, I place the straw between my lips and spin around on the stool to find this blonde, to see if she was even worth any of my time. I hadn’t decided if tonight was a night to create another problem or not, my main focus right now was to get drunk enough to not be able to remember what Jade and Minho get up to.

Dina was funny. Amongst the sea of people there wasn’t a single blonde aside from herself, which I had to admit, was an excellent play. I spotted Jade between Minho and Chan with her head tossed backward and her eyes closed, feeling the music as they all moved to the beat. Looking for Han, I wasn’t able to place him which was equally relieving and terrifying.

Scanning the rest of the crowd by the door, and then by the DJ, it was pretty packed for a weeknight. Then again, Haven was always bursting at the walls. With the heavy pours and the cheap prices one wouldn’t expect different.

Taking another long sip of the deliciousness Dina has curated, I start to spin back around on the stool, but then I find the blonde.

Wedged against the furthest wall Han sat on the lap of a curvy woman with long black hair with his arms wrapped around her neck. He had his cheek pressed to hers, and his lips were moving a mile a minute as he spoke to a boy in ripped jeans and t-shirt- Changbin. As happy as I was to see him, my eyes were glued to the tall, gangly blonde hovering behind him with his back pressed to the wooden planked wall.

It was Felix. It was Felix.

He was quick to catch me looking, his eyes darted away faster than anything, focusing on the people in front of him.

Hands shoved in the pockets of his baggy jeans that hung on his tiny frame, the loose shirt he wore, covered in tiny green and blue stripes, was cut low enough to give me a glimpse of his collar bone and the tanned skin that lived under it. I’ve seen him wear this shirt before, except it was around Christmas time in December and he paired it with a white long sleeved shirt beneath it for warmth.

There was a watch on his left hand strapped to his thin wrist, and when he adjusted his arms to cross them over his chest I found that he was wearing a couple rings on his middle fingers as well.

His skin was smooth, tan and glistening, and freckles littered his cheeks all the way across his nose. Felix looked like summer, it was as if the sun shone just for him.

The blonde hair that was cut short in the front but grew longer in the back made it hard for one to figure out if it was his real color or not, he could pull it off so naturally. Tonight it was a little curly, twisting against the nape of his neck and over his deep brown eyes covering his brows.

He was simple. He always has been since the day I met him. Happy, too. Felix never seemed to have much to complain about.

Looking at me again with only his wandering eyes, I can’t help it. Lifting my glass, I smile. Dina had no idea who he was, she barely had a grasp on who I was, he probably wasn’t checking me out, if anything he may have been contemplating joining me or not, but with how we don’t really know too much about one another maybe he was nervous or something-

Walking toward me. Felix was walking toward me.

I felt the need to sit up straight and I did. I also tucked my hair behind my ears, cursing myself for not bringing a tie to pull it back with.

Leaning backward against the bar, I slid an arm over my waist and put my other elbow on it, taking another sip from the straw in my glass that was a real curse. Dina should know this as a bartender, you shouldn’t drink alcohol through a straw.

“You know you shouldn’t be drinking that with a straw,” is the first thing to leave Felix’s mouth as soon as he’s close enough to me. I nearly choked on my liquor as I swallowed it while I laughed. The sunshine smiles, perfect teeth all in a row.

“I was just thinking that,” I said after a breath. Turning around to place the glass down, I face Felix again and place my hands between my knees, letting the knobby joints squeeze some warmth into them.

“Hi,” Felix said, his hands sliding back into his pockets.

“Hi,” I said, noticing there was a three foot gap between us. “Wanna sit? You drinking?”

Shrugging, Felix gestures back to Changbin. “I drove us, not sure I should have anything.” His beauty didn’t correlate to his demeanor, he was stiff as a board. Maybe he was nervous.

Glancing to the empty stool beside me, I look at him with only my eyes and smile. “Doesn’t mean you can’t sit.” He had trouble breaking into the group when he first came around, this much I knew, so without a Changbin to hide behind I felt responsible for… well, him.

“Uh, yeah, sure,” he said with another shrug. A smile toyed with his plump lips, like it was always there.

Walking around the opposite side of the stool to avoid getting too close to me, he hops on with a soft sigh and shamelessly lets his gaze fawn over me. Feeling grateful that I’d showered, I smiled and spun around so we were both facing the bar.

Just be his friend, I thought to myself, you need a friend.

Which then reminds me how shitty I am at the friend thing. I only ever see anybody when I’m here, and most times it isn’t voluntary, I get dragged out of the apartment by Jade. I wouldn’t even call half of the people I hang out with friends anyway, so it wasn’t like I had many to keep up with. After college Changbin was the one to keep up with me, somehow understanding that I’m shitty at the friend thing-

“Keep overthinking and you’ll give yourself a headache before the tequila gets a chance to give you one first,” Felix’s accent is thick and it turns my ears pink, and not because he’s just read me like a book. Blinking a few times I glance his way and find his big eyes studying me. They’re slightly narrowed, and darting from either one of mine after they draw a conclusion from my brows.

Rolling my shoulders back I attempt to relax my expression finding myself clenching my jaw to the point of it feeling sore once I unhinge it. “Damn,” I can’t help but huff a laugh.

“You okay?” Felix asked. He receives a drink from Dina, which I assume he ordered while my mind wandered into the void yet again. She gives me a cheeky look before she disappears.

“Uh, yeah,” I muttered, leaning forward to suck down my drink until it was almost empty. Felix shakes his short glass around taking a small sip. “Thought you weren’t gonna drink?”

Licking his lips, I totally tried not to watch, he extended his arm to put his glass in front of my face, nodding his head once, telling me to take a sip. Flustered by his forwardness, I lower my chin and let him guide me to taste it.

The clear fizzy bubbles were simply a glass of Sprite.

I cringe at the intensity of the fizz making him laugh, and the boisterous, melodic sound is enough to paralyze me. The edges of his eyes crinkled, and his eyebrows perked up slightly, wearing the amusement purely in his complexion. His smile though… that was enough to cure a bad day, and it was happening without me even realizing it.

“You choose… Sprite?” I sneered, smacking my lips a few times before guzzling down what was left in my glass between the melted ice cubes. Felix laughs again. Soda was the bane of my existence, it was utterly disgusting, I couldn’t see why anyone would find it refreshing or as a first choice for a beverage- but I’d suffer through a glass just to keep him laughing.

“It’s good, you jerk.” The grin he wore negated his choice of word. “I’m responsible for another life tonight, I can’t drink.” Admirable.

“Still,” I shot him a sarcastic side eye, “It’s soda.”

“I just think you’re upset that your taste buds can’t handle the excellence that is this carbonated beverage,” Felix said. There’s a brief pause between us, one that makes us fall into a fit of laughter.

“Carbonated beverage,” I repeated, making us laugh even harder. “So specific.”

“Oh god,” Felix groans amongst the laughter, rubbing a hand over his eyes. Setting down his glass he massages his temples and takes a deep breath. “It’s been a long day.”

Following his breath I took my own, I hadn’t laughed in a while. “You worked, right?”

Dina swung back around to swipe my glass, replacing it with another full one and a wink.

“I did, and it was exhausting,” Felix said. “Everyone and their mother showed up today, I had, like, no breaks.”

Sipping my drink that tasted sweeter than the second one, I twisted my body toward him in the slightest. “Are you in the same… the, uh, same place as Changbin?” I asked tentatively, half worried he’d be offended that I never properly learned what he did for work.

With a smile he nods, sipping his amazing soda. “We’re still in the same place, just different positions, if that makes sense?” I give him a small hum to encourage him to go on. “We’re both with the kids, but Changbin kind of floats around the entire building while I stay in one wing.”

“Right,” I said quietly, zoned in on how expressive his face was as he spoke. “‘Cause he’s the music, and all that.”

Felix’s smile widens. “He’s the music, I like that.” I begged the blush not to rush to my cheeks. “He really is. The kids love him. I swear, most days we don’t make it through without him, ‘specially where I’m at.”

Furrowing my brows I rest my chin in one of my hands. “What do you do?”

“I work with the high risk kids,” he said, giving his head a little shake. “Anxiety, trauma, depression, PTSD. I’m usually the last option before… Well, if what I do doesn’t work out for them, they get admitted.”

Suddenly the quiet, smiley, always nice Felix made so much sense. He was a children's therapist alongside Changbin who worked in music therapy for all ages, all cases. No wonder Felix could feel what I was feeling when he sat down. That’s probably the reason he was checking me out from across the room. He had the ability to see the dark cloud over my head.

“A busy day means you helped a lot of kids,” I offered, taking note of how much I had drunk while he was talking. I was almost down another glass. Felix rolls his eyes slightly, the first tinge of negative emotion I’ve seen touch his angelic features.

“God, I hope so,” he said, shaking his glass. “I have one boy whose mother’s on the verge of taking him in, even though I’m doing everything I can.”

He didn’t intend to, but his words tumbled me back to twelve years old, when I’m pretty sure I had my first bout of panic. My mother was never around though, it was just me and my dad, and god forbid I ever felt nervous in front of him or tried to tell him I didn’t feel good.

“How old is he?” I asked. Felix pressed his lips together in a silly smile.

“I’m not supposed to tell you,” he said, then leaned in toward me to whisper, “Twelve.”

Up close like this, with a few inches between us, I could’ve counted the freckles on his cheeks if I wanted to. He didn’t stay within my personal bubble for too long before pulling away and sipping his drink.

His jaw could cut glass. I could literally slide my hand over it and it would hurt, that was how sharp it was. Although, as sharp as some of his features were, like his jaw or his collarbone, everything about Felix was soft. He was gentle. He was beautiful. No… He was pretty. And to me, that was a step above beautiful. Almost anything could be beautiful, but not everything could be pretty.

I think I’m a bit tipsy.

Clearing my throat, directing my attention to his eyes that gaze at the neon signs on the wall, the ones giving his round cheeks a tinge of a yellow glow, I asked, “What’s he deal with? The boy?”

Felix turns his chin, giving me another look that’s supposed to tell me he’s not allowed to share. The batting of his lashes, that definitely wasn’t intentional, makes my stomach flutter.

What the fuck?

“Let’s just say he’s kind of a nervous guy, okay?” he said, ending the discussion. “What about you?” Felix shifts his shoulders to face me like I had done to him. “Did you work today? Help a lot of people? You do that too, yanno.”

An exasperated breath escapes me. Dropping both hands into my lap I lean backward and shake my head. “No, no work for me today. Or yesterday.” Felix nodded, letting his gaze fall down my torso again before it came back up to my eyes. It was curious, how it felt like he was observing me. The friends in the back would do the same, yet when Felix does it, it doesn’t feel vulgar.

I’m shocked he even remembers what I do. It’s not like it was a career of importance, all I did was service cars in a mechanics garage- hence why my hands were destroyed, I hated the gloves, I worked with them bare. I wouldn’t say I helped people in the way Felix or Changbin did, I wasn’t healing people’s past’s, or working through their trauma, I was changing their oil, or repairing the engine beneath the hood of their ancient vehicles.

Like, seriously, the eighties happened six years ago. Get with the times. Get a new car.

“Do anything fun today, then? Anything exciting while I was coloring on the floor with a nine year old?” Felix’s smile is charming.

“Uh, well,” I began, wondering if I should share the events of last night, or, early this morning, with him. Then again, if Felix was to become a close friend that meant I had to share these things with him. I’d totally tell Changbin, shit, he’d be the first person I called if I didn’t share an apartment with Jade.

Damn it, Jade. It was like I had forgotten about her the second I saw Felix.

Whipping my head around to find her, she was perched on a high top chair with a glass in her hand full of a pink colored drink. One of the guys grabbed it for her without a doubt, they must’ve scurried over to the end of the bar Felix and I didn’t occupy to slyly get by.

Chan was next to her, a muscley arm around the back of her chair. Han and Changbin had found them, occupying the other seats with drinks. Minho and his silver hair, and his sturdy back, and his defined cheekbones were facing away from me. He was across the table in front of Jade, standing, leaning on the wood with a foot propped up on the rung of Han’s stool.

They were looking at each other, Jade’s eyes alight as she ran her mouth. When she paused to sip her drink, Minho spoke, and she watched him like he was made of stars.

Beside me Felix turns, following my line of sight.

“Everything okay?” he asked, like he could see my heart slipping out of my chest. “Wanna go sit over there?”

“Definitely not,” I whispered harshly, declining his offer with haste. Directing my attention to the bar as Jade’s discussion seemed to intensify, I sighed a bit dramatically, making Felix laugh.

“Did something happen?” he questioned. A quick shake of my head isn’t enough to satisfy him, and though it didn’t feel as if he was pestering me, I didn’t want to spill my insecurities to someone who didn’t know an ounce of my struggles. “You guys didn’t break up, did you?”

Slamming a hand on the bar I nearly broke my neck to shoot him a glare. “Do you want to be my therapist?”

My bitter tone slaps him across the face, hard. His lips pull into a small pout and his eyes go extremely wide. Taking a breath he gives me a small nod of his head.

“I’m sorry,” he said gently. “I overstepped, I’m sorry.”

Raising a brow I wait for him to say absolutely anything else before I choose my response. Apologies weren’t something I usually received, I was always the one to do the giving. All Felix had done was ask me some simple questions that I didn’t want to answer, it surely didn’t seem like anything to apologize for.

“No,” I shook my head, blinking a few times. Felix’s pout dissolves. “I’m… I’m sorry.” Familiar tasting words. Now this was normal.

“We don’t have to talk about it,” Felix shrugged, brushing away the matter, sipping his drink. “I shouldn’t have pushed it, we can discuss more of my clients even though I could potentially get fired.” His smile returns and the polite change of subject puts me back in foreign territory. My comment wasn’t lashed back at with a rude remark, nor was it used against me. Felix didn’t get upset, he understood my backlash, why I did it, and moved past it without an explanation.

“I’m sorry,” I felt the need to repeat myself, keeping my eyes locked on his.

After another sip of his soda he puts the glass down and twists to face me completely. A smirk toyed at the corners of his lips.

“You don’t have to apologize, Hyunjin, it’s alright,” he said, reaching over to tap the top of my knee quickly. The sound of my name rolling off of his tongue was spine tingling.

“Yes, I do,” I said, turning myself to face him directly, our knees now touching. My legs were a little longer than his, so eventually my knees were going to have to end up between his.

“Why?” he asked, twisting his brows, giving his head a slight, endearing tilt.

Swallowing hard, I clear my throat and dart my eyes around his face to search for an answer. I had no idea what to say. I was taught growing up that if you made someone upset, you were to apologize for it. Jade’s heard the word ‘sorry’ more times than she can probably count.

The way Felix made a face after I snapped made me want to apologize, but I hadn’t a clue why he was questioning me for it.

“Uh,” I mumbled, finding warmth and comfort within his dark chocolate eyes, enough of it to try to speak up. “I thought I, uh, hurt your feelings, when I…”

Felix waited patiently for me to finish and only butted in when he realized I couldn’t put it together.

“I fired you up first,” he said. “I crossed a line after you tried to shut it down. You established a boundary, you had every right to bark like that.” I couldn’t hide the laugh that escaped me at the use of the word bark. Pressing my lips together in a small smile, I shook my head.

“You really are a therapist,” I said, dragging my eyes sarcastically over his tiny frame. Felix pops his brows, his grin glimmering with glamour.

Lifting his glass like I had before he sat down, he said, “A fine one, at that.” He takes the rim to his lips and shoots back the rest of the bubbles.

Taking this time to admire him and his perfectly sculpted profile, I cannot seem to shake the feeling of desire that begins to manifest within my chest. And, not a desire that I was used to feeling three drinks deep into a hangover recovery night. I wanted him to keep talking. I wanted to watch his lips to tell me more about this boundary thing, and how I wasn’t wrong for having feelings, and I wanted to ask him why talking about it felt weird.

If that would be him talking about work, I felt bad asking him to do it. I know how it feels to get off of a long shift and then have someone ask me to check their tires, I’d hate to make him use his brain when he should be having a fun night.

Felix was eyeing me back, bumping one of my knees by accident as he adjusted his feet under him. Realizing I was staring, I glanced at my glass quickly and found it empty.

When the hell did I finish that?

Looking back at Felix, he was still focused on me. He was waiting for me to say something. My tequila blundered thoughts couldn’t come up with anything smart, and beneath his gaze it was impossible for me to whip up anything sarcastic. He waited. He wasn’t going to… push.

“You look like you wanna say something?” he asked. Okay, he was waiting, but I guess he also wanted to help.

“I do,” I said, and he nodded. “But, I don’t want to… overstep.”

What the fuck is going on, I don’t talk like this.

Felix leans his cheek against the fist of the arm that rests on the bar, and the plush skin squishes on his knuckles, his appearance softening even more so, if it were possible.

“Say it,” he shrugged again. “If you overstep, you overstep. I’ll communicate it with you if you do.” His smile tells me a secret, it tells me he knows my objective. Calm, nice Felix finally shows a hint of mischievousness.

Darting my tongue between my lips, I notice that Felix tries his hardest not to watch. Rocking one of my knees into his I glance down at where they touch and lift just my eyes to look at him. A bit of his bottom lip has gone between his teeth, nibbling at the inside. The chocolate brown eyes that were once sweet had shifted to something that startled me a little to see. I didn’t know Felix was capable of eyes like that.

His knees close, catching one of my legs between them as predicted. “Don’t act so surprised, you’ve been looking at me exactly like that since I sat down,” he said quietly. My lips part, in surprise, and I’m incapable of conjuring up words. Alas, the air within Haven claims another victim. With a small nod of his head to the dance floor, Felix leaned toward me and whispered, “Either tone down the arousal, or tell me what’s happening with Jade. I don’t do cheaters.”

haven masterlist ✧ talk to me ✧ thank you for reading <3

you do not have permission to copy or translate my works without my consent.

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chimivx · 2 years ago

Text

TASTE. -> 'Haven' from the POV of Hyunjin. (Part Three of Six)

summary: 'It was the most free I’ve felt in ages, it was liberating, and it was because of Felix. He wanted to get to know me, for me. He wanted to listen to me, to listen to me. He was genuine, and he cared.'

word count: 9k

warnings: 18+, infidelity themes all throughout, toxic friendships/relationships, sexual content, alcohol abuse, struggles with mental health themes, cursing, if I missed anything PLEASE LET ME KNOW!

a/n: Part Three, oh my god. These people are still a mess. I was hoping this part would've accelerated us faster in the story, but I am unfortunately really enjoying this journey. Enjoy this, and please leave me your thoughts! YES, I had to name the female MC. If she has your name, congrats!

Sliding out from beneath the Ford I had been stuck under for half an hour, I sat up and drug my palm over my forehead without a doubt smudging some grease where I was hoping to wipe away sweat. It was two o’clock in the afternoon and already boiling hot. It was just me, myself and I in the garage today, as per usual, so I opened every tiny window and left the workshop door open, along with the door to our office.

Blink-182 was blasting from the radio, the volume nearly maxed out in an attempt to drown out any lingering thoughts that hung around my subconscious. These were the days I longed for. Days alone were peaceful, and quiet, aside from the music, and I could keep to myself, get my shit done, and not fuck anything, or anyone, up.

I knew cars better than people, I could fix them faster, too. Though, most times I drug my work out over a couple of days only because I enjoyed it that much.

It was almost like my brain could shut off when I was focused on work. I could do it with my eyes closed. And come to think of it, I actually have, on a dare, and I still repaired everything perfectly.

The two other guys that work in the garage with me, one of them the owner, both didn’t think I could do it. A couple of months ago when a BMW was sent our way with a screwed up starter motor, completely dead, the two of them grumbled over the task while I boasted about being able to replace it with my eyes shut. Neither believed me, so naturally beers were cracked open that night, we spent some extra hours in the garage, and I replaced the sucker with a bandana tied over my eyes with little help.

Talking about myself always made me uneasy, but if someone were to ask me what secret talents I had, I’d for sure brag about that. One of the sparse moments where I actually felt proud of myself.

Slapping a hand to the concrete beneath me I hoist myself to my feet and round the vehicle to get inside of it, being careful to not put my dusty boots on the clean carpet of the sedan. It was a silver Ford Taurus that belonged to a woman in her forties with two boys in intermediate school, so I wasn’t too worried if I left it a little dirty. The backseat gave off obvious signs that two boys around the age of ten occupied that space.

Shoving the key that sat in the cupholder into the ignition, I twisted it, and smiled as the car started. The woman, who’s name was Sharon, or Sherry, just dropped it off this morning with her kids and her husband who drove the three of them away in a pick up truck. Both adults had dropped complaints of other places taking a week to fix their vehicles problem, making them dish out hundreds of dollars for a small problem I took care of in a few hours. They were pleasantly surprised when I told them that it would be done today, and it would cost not even half of what they’ve had to pay before.

Sharon-Sherry almost gave me a hug, I thought the woman was going to fall to her knees. She placed a hand on my shoulder, thanking me a crap ton, babbling on and on about her boys and how they’re soccer players, and she needs the car to get them to practices and games, and her husband’s a cop and works weird hours… I learned a bit too much about her.

But, the woman cupped my cheek before she walked away to get into her husband's truck and she gave me a genuine smile. A smile that wrapped my heart in comfort. It was a mom's smile.

The comfort broke in half when she called after her boys, beckoning them to get into the truck.

“Shaun! Felix! Let’s go, your coaches are waiting!” she had waved at the boys that were kicking around the gravel rocks in front of the office door.

With a gulp I had taken a quick glance around the lot before I questioned her. “Felix?”

“My youngest,” she turned to me with a proud smile. “He and Shaun are a year apart. You never hear that name around here, do ya? Felix.”

At that moment I had wondered if she’d noticed my pale skin go even ghostlier. I had shaken my head and cleared my throat.

“No,” I answered. “It’s… one of a kind.”

Sharon-Sherry agreed with me, then continued on to her children, ushering them into their fathers running truck, making sure they were buckled before she jumped up into the passenger seat.

The happy family drove away, leaving me with their Ford and a pin in my heart.

A quiet day alone, lost in my work without haunting thoughts was what I wanted, and I almost had it.

Sitting back in Sharon-Sherry’s seat with my boots still hanging out of the door, I rest my head against the cushion and take a deep breath. I may have had the radio blasting, I may have been elbow deep in bolts and grease, I may have been on auto-pilot for three hours, but I couldn’t get those big brown eyes outta my head.

Even prior to his name being spoken he infected my mind.

Last night should’ve been a blur. It should’ve been a drunken blur, a second thought this morning when I rolled out of bed and got myself ready for work while Jade slept soundly between the sheets. Instead, it was the very first thing I thought of. Felix.

If he wasn’t such a nice person it would’ve pissed me off more than it kind of already did. I couldn’t be mad at him. He didn’t do anything wrong. It was my own screwed up brain that forced this shit upon me, every damn time. Incredibly annoying.

“Don’t do that,” I grumbled to myself, rubbing the bridge of my nose with my middle finger, closing my eyes tight. “I’m not annoying.” I repeat aloud what Felix had said to me last night.

On top of that, he also told me to talk to Jade. To talk things out with her, actually talk to her. And I didn’t do that. Not yet at least, last night she couldn’t even let me get a word in, but it’s not like I tried.

Regaining consciousness on the kitchen floor yesterday was a wake up call, and the following evening at Haven just added more fuel to the fire. Talking things out with Felix, admitting what I’ve done to someone other than Jade was a bitch slap to the face. Saying it aloud to someone on the outside of the situation really did make me sound clinically insane, and it was embarrassing. On top of the things I was feeling for Felix, the shame from fully realizing what I’ve done and why I’ve done it was suffocating.

I had to break up with Jade. If she wasn’t going to do it first, I had to be the one to break it off. Especially now that I think I’m harboring actual interested feelings for Felix.

He didn’t want to be one of the others, and I wasn’t about to make him one- as scary as it felt to think about getting involved with somebody else.

Jade still lingers after everything. Who’s to say Felix would stick around if something happened? He even said it himself last night that he would leave someone if they did to him what I’d already done to Jade.

Regardless, he stuck by my side yesterday. He seemed to care about me even after I let the shit spill. I should really just try to be his friend. I need to try to be his friend, before anything. He wasn’t someone I wanted to hurt.

Then again, Jade was once someone I never wanted to hurt.

“Jinnie?” Jade’s voice called into the garage from the driveway. Popping my eyes open I didn’t even realize I had closed, I sat forward and spotted her through the streaky windshield. I made a mental note to clean Sharon-Sherry’s windows for her before she came back to get her car.

Jade circled the Ford and stood beside the open door. “What’re you doing?” She was dressed for work, she was on the night shift this evening at the restaurant. Her hair was pulled out of her face and her colorful name tag sat to the left of her heart.

“Just… making sure the car started.”

“Your eyes were closed, I thought you fell asleep,” she said, her eyes taking me in up and down, and again. Shaking my head slowly, I start to smile.

“Not exactly,” I said. Turning the car off I dropped the keys into the cupholder and got out of Sharon-Sherry’s seat, taking the top of the door out of Jades hand and into my own so I could close it.

“Okay, good,” Jade nodded, taking a step backward so I could stand on my feet. “You shouldn’t be in here with the cars running, you know that.” Giving her a curious look I brought myself back around the front of the car to lift the hood. Jade followed right behind me.

“I know that,” I sighed, pulling on a few car parts, making sure everything was good to go. This family had to be called as soon as possible. “You know I know that, but I’ve gotta get it out of here somehow.” Leaning against the car with my elbows, I turned to look at her. She was wearing her nervous eyebrows, though she was trying to hide them. She’s made this face every single time I started to bring up a… girl.

“Yeah,” her voice was soft. “I know you know… I just… got worried about you.” Her eyes fell to the motor of the car, glancing around at all the different parts.

“Are you okay?” I asked after a bout of silence between us. The radio was still blaring nonsense. Jade met my gaze and took a quick breath.

“Yeah, yeah, no, I’m fine,” she shook her head, “I just… Are you okay?”

I stood up straight, resting a hand to the small of my back.

“I’m fine.”

Jade’s eyes begged me to say more, but I didn’t know if I could. Here I was hoping I’d have a little more time at work before I had to go home and try to talk things out with her, but she showed up unannounced. She’s never done this, even back when things were good. Work was separate for us, our own thing.

She waited a couple more seconds for me to say more, but realizing that I wasn’t going to, she rolled her eyes the slightest and dug into the purse she had over her shoulder.

“Here,” she said, handing me a bottle of water that was still kind of cold. I assumed this was her excuse to mask why she had actually come here.

Taking it carefully I gave her a small smile. “Thanks,” I said, and almost inquired why she was being nice to me, or acting funny.

Then she said the words that made my heart stop.

“Felix called.”

Maintaining my composure I cracked the water open and took a long sip, the coolness relieving the heat I’d been baking under. Swooshing the liquid around my mouth for a bit, I swallowed and nodded, slowly. Then I met her gaze.

“What’d he want?” I asked in the most monotonous tone I could’ve ever conjured up. Jade folded her arms over her chest and sighed.

“He… Jinnie, he wanted to know if you were okay,” she said, her eyebrows knotting together. Whispering, she took a step closer to me, “He told me what happened.”

The anxiety I had been suppressing since I saw her face began to bubble up. That was a vague ass sentence.

He told me what happened.

Felix probably told her that I came onto him in the parking lot of Haven. Stupidly drunk, I forced myself upon him and tried to kiss him. He had to tell Jade as soon as humanly possible, to protect her from the lies I would spread. It was nauseating how I couldn’t keep it in my pants, and everyone agreed. It’s me, I’m the problem, and every single one of them knows it.

“He said you had a panic attack,” Jade said, ripping me out of my tomb of a brain. “You haven’t had one… in forever.”

The breath I took was painful, but full of utmost relief. Out of all of the things Felix could’ve shared with Jade, I’m not excited it had to be this, but it was better than the latter.

“Um, yeah,” I mumbled, crinkling the plastic bottle between my dirty fingers. There wasn’t a reason to lie, or to pretend like it didn’t happen. She looked pretty beat up about it so I’m not sure there was much more I could say to make her feel worse.

Although… I could tell her I’d been having them almost daily…

“Why didn’t you tell me,” she said.

“I didn’t want to ruin your night,” I shrugged.

Jade rolled her eyes. “You wouldn’t ruin my night, why would you think that?”

Shrugging again, I take another gulp of water.

“Stop doing that,” she mimicked my shoulders and swatted a hand toward me, “Talk to me. Why would you think you’d ruin my night if you didn’t feel good?”

Dropping my arms by my side I pressed my lips together and held in a sigh. Toying with the bottle in front of my chest nervously, I half shrugged, then rolled my head back with a groan.

“I told you I didn’t feel good,” I whispered.

“What?” Jade cocked her head to the side, pointing an ear toward me. Clenching my jaw, I dropped my soft glare to hers.

“I told you. Last night. I didn’t feel good,” I said clearly. Watching the gears shift in her brain behind her gorgeous eyes, I finished the water she brought me and walked away from her to toss it into the garbage just on the inside of the office door.

When I turned back around I found that she hadn’t moved a muscle. Her eyes were checking me out, though. She loved it when I looked like this.

Last summer I’d do it on purpose. Smear some grease on my forehead, dirty my jeans, rip the neck of my t-shirt just a bit so that when she got her teeth on it she’d be able to tear it right off of me. I truly, honestly, don’t know what it is about girls finding guys attractive when they’re an absolute mess.

I’d come home sweaty, smelling like an old garage with bandages around my fingers, and she was a sucker for it. Personally, I didn’t get it.

“When did you tell me that?” she asked, and I immediately envisioned how she looked beside Chan last night.

“You asked me to dance with you, and I didn’t want to,” I said. She averted her gaze, glancing around the garage that was in disarray. It seemed this discussion was going to go on longer than expected, so I continued my work. Closing the hood of the Ford, I turned on the heels of my boots and started to straighten up the mess I had made.

“Nelly Furtado,” she said quietly. Giving her a look over my shoulder, I huffed a laugh and shook my head. “Oh, c’mon, I love Nelly Furtado.” The smile that danced on her lips convinced me to smile.

“Oh, I know,” I copied her tone, putting a couple of tools into a metal drawer, then I muttered to myself, “Can’t believe that’s what that makes you think of.”

“I was dancing with Chan, right?”

“Sure were,” I sang, bending over to gather a wrench that laid partially beneath a tire- where I wished to be at the moment.

“Why do you have to say it like that?” her tone took a wicked turn.

Tossing the wrench into the drawer, I spun around with furrowed brows. “…What?”

“You make it sound like I was doing something wrong, like it’s a crime to have fun with my friends.”

Taking a breath, I grumbled, “I never said that.”

“Then, how come, every time Chan gets brought up you get all pissy. You know he’s my best friend, you’ve never been able to accept that. Whenever he’s around…”

I turned it off.

Whichever part of my anatomy was listening to her, I turned it off.

I finished straightening up my work space in the minutes it took for her to tell me off, leaving me with enough time to hear her say, “You don’t even try with Minho anymore.”

I’ve never moved faster, turning myself around to flash her a glare that could kill.

“Don’t I?” I balled my fingers into fists.

“He says you don’t.”

“You saw us last night at the bar, right? We were having a fantastic time,” I sneered. “Didn’t it seem like it?”

Jade, who still had her arms folded, shrugged. “I guess, I dunno, I was a little drunk.”

“Then let me clear it up for you,” I said, taking three steps toward her. “He found me after the panic attack Felix told you all about.” Her eyes show no sign of cracking, she was maintaining her ground. I wasn’t even sure when this became a competition. “Me and Felix were fine, things were good, I was good, and then he came over with his little puppy dog on a leash, and the two of them harassed Felix.”

If she wasn’t going to question what Minho made me think she was going to question- I was not going to bring it up.

“What they said, the word they used?” I couldn’t imagine what my face looked like. “Felix doesn’t care who knows he’s gay, he told us himself months ago that he’s been out since he was fifteen.”

Jade blinked a couple of times and focused down on the concrete.

“Your friends made a shitty move,” I said, nodding. “There isn’t a person on earth who should use that word. It’s disgusting.”

“My friends,” she said, looking back up at me.

“Yeah,” I dug. “Your friends. My friends don’t talk to people that way.”

Her lips parted to throw something back at me, but she hesitated and snapped her jaw shut. I knew what she wanted to say. I could see it on her face.

What friends?

“I didn’t know that happened,” she opted to say instead. Folding my hands together I let them dangle in front of my thighs as I leaned backward to rest my body against one of the workbenches.

“Well, it’s not like Felix was just gonna tell anybody he got belittled, was he?”

Jade jabbed a finger toward her heart. “He’s my friend too, Jinnie. They all are. Felix is too nice, he’s not going to start something for no reason.”

My temper almost snapped. “No reason? They fucking called him-”

“Don’t yell at me! I’m not the one who said it,” her own anger shone in her eyes, much like mine. “God, we can’t even have one conversation without you screaming.”

“Without- are you kidding?” I sighed heavily, a sadistic smile appearing on my lips. “If you listened to me I wouldn’t have to do that.”

Jade snickered and shook her head. “And what am I supposed to do with…” her voice trailed off as she dropped her arms to her side and slouched over a bit. With her voice flat as can be, shot me an empty look to groan, “This.” She stood up and adjusted her posture. “So annoying.”

My heart twisted. It twisted until I thought I was going to go dizzy and fall to the dusty ground of this garage.

“Yet you’re still with me,” I muttered as loud as I could. Her expression went wild. There were a few seconds of silence. I thought it had happened, that this was the break up. It was extremely unclear what this entire discussion had done, but one thing was for sure, neither of us knew how to fix it.

“Felix mentioned he’s free tonight if you want to hang out at Haven,” Jade said quickly. “So you don’t have to be alone, and so he can… check in with you about yesterday.”

The sudden switch in subjects made it obvious that Jade didn’t have anything else to say. That, or she didn’t want to follow my comment up with a single thought of her own.

And that was what I was dying for most.

The anger boiling beneath my skin calmed like crazy at the mention of Felix and his invitation, but it was weird to feel excited about seeing him while standing here in front of Jade.

If I was going to be his friend though, it was normal. This was normal. Two friends going out for a drink to catch up, to hang out, to chill. That’s what people did with one another.

Jade’s mask slipped for half of a second as she watched me ponder over the invite, and I knew I could tell that she was worried.

“I had no idea you two were that close,” she said. Shrugging in response, not to purposely annoy her, I folded my arms over my torso.

“It’s probably just because of last night,” I said. “He’s- You know what he does for work… right?”

“I do,” Jade nearly snapped. She took in my quiet being for a minute before she said, “Have fun, I guess.” She started to walk out of the garage, taking her time, letting her feet drag over the ground like she had more to say. “Don’t drink too much,” she mumbled.

Popping my brows, I said, “Don’t have to worry about that, Felix is a good boy.” Jade glanced back at me fast, pausing her stroll.

“Right,” she narrowed her eyes.

“No, I mean it,” I said. “He didn’t even drink last night. If it’s just us I don’t know if I’ll even have one.” The derogatory chuckle that slipped past her lips made me sick.

“Okay,” was all she said before leaving me alone in the garage, either heading to work early or stopping by Chans for a while to complain about me.

I didn’t have much brain power left to process what had just happened, so instead of letting it bug me I decided to push it aside and bring it up later with Felix. I knew he was going to ask about it, he could probably help me decipher whether or not this relationship could be patched up- if I ask him as a friend.

Turning the radio off I snatch a towel from the workbench to pat down my forehead to my neck, and sling it around my shoulders as I take myself into the office and sit back in one of the black leather swiveling chairs. There were two in this single roomed building, black leather chairs from my boss's old home that his wife wanted to get rid of. This entire room was full of things he wasn’t allowed to keep anywhere else. Old baseball photos were on the wall and his desk, knick knacks of all sorts from trips and kids projects littered the shelves… It was homey in the best way.

Taking a breath in the cool air, I sit quietly for a couple of minutes and let my brain go blank. No thoughts of Jade, no thoughts of Haven, no thoughts of break ups, but a tiny, miniscule thought lingered behind. A thought that made me consider calling Felix instead of Sharon-Sherry first, just to tell him that I’d meet him at the bar tonight.

Snatching the phone off the set I press it to my ear, the flat dial tone buzzing without end. Staring down at the numbers, I hesitated, then huffed a laugh. I didn’t know his number by heart. I’d have to wait until Sharon-Sherry picked up her car to call him from home. Gathering the appropriate paperwork, I gave the woman a ring and told her the Ford was ready, acquiring another sweet set of words from her motherly instincts. It’s as if she could tell I grew up without one.

The family showed up within the hour, all four of them pulling up in the husbands pick up that desperately needed new tires, but I figured I’d let them come to me when they were ready. Already complaining about other companies' prices prior to their appointment with me, they didn’t need another expense right this second.

Their sons tumbled out of the backseat in their soccer jerseys with dirty knees and disheveled hair, trailing directly behind their mother like little ducks in a row. They hurried to the car and peeked around at it, babbling questions to me, asking me how I fixed it and what I had done.

Sharon-Sherry, who was actually Shelley, was talking over them as any mother would and took care of her bill with another soft smile. She thanked me for cleaning the windows that I had done while I waited for them to arrive, cupped my cheek one last time, and ushered her children into the vehicle.

The youngest, Felix, turned around to look at me where I stood in the doorway of the office, propped against the doorway on my shoulder. He smiled wide, missing a front tooth, waved, and said, “Thank you for helping my mom!”

Children were strange little beings. I didn’t exactly hate them, but I didn’t love them. This one, however, with chubby cheeks and a red Gatorade stain on his upper lip- this one was adorable. He got me to smile, and he even got a small wave in return.

Jumping up into the Ford, the boy reached to shut the door with two of his hands and buckled his seatbelt once he was settled. Listening to his mother as she spoke to the two of them, Shelley started the car and didn’t give me another look. Felix did, though. As his mother pulled out of the garage, he smiled at me until his little head couldn’t turn any further.

Shelley seemed like a good mom. I guess kids weren’t all that bad, it just mattered who was raising them.

Closing up shop, I left the paystub on my boss’s desk and clocked out, locking the office door on the front of the building. Leaving through the one that took me into the garage, I locked it as well and gathered my things from the shelf above one of the toolboxes, shoving my wallet deep into my back pocket.

It took me fifteen minutes total to get home after I pulled the garage shut. Taking my time once I got to my building, for no other reason than to possibly avoid Jade, I unlocked my apartment door quietly. Stepping inside into the air conditioning and closed curtains, nobody was home. I was unsure why it irked me though, Jade not being here. It’s not like after the argument we had she’d be here waiting for me, so why was I expecting her to be?

Over by the phone there was a small piece of paper with Felix’s name written on it followed by a number, in Jades handwriting. The tiny smiley face below it that she had drawn must’ve been an attempt to lessen the blow after coming to confront me at work. She was meticulous, she knew I’d come home and see it, she knew we were going to have a blown out of proportion conversation because that's how we rolled.

If she was out for the night, then so be it. I was too.

Dialing his number I waited with baited breath for the thick Aussie accent to bless my ears, and when it did swiftly, and deeply, I smiled bigger than I had all day.

“Hello?” Was all he had to say to flood my chest with warmth.

“Hi,” I began, twisting the phone cord around my finger. “I, uh, got your message.”

“Hyunjin,” it seemed Felix sighed. “Hey, how are you?”

“Fine,” my shoulders wanted to live beside my ears today. “Just got home from work, I need a shower.” A gentle laugh rumbled through the line from his end and I wanted to claw my fingers in my hair.

“Busy day?” Felix asked. Leaning my back against the counter top, the phone cord wrapped around my torso, stretching with me as I spun around.

“Not really,” I said. “Today was easy, only one appointment.”

“Was it something crazy?” It sounded like Felix had just woken up. Either that or he was really comfortable, relaxed. His voice was twice as deep as usual.

“Not at all, typical maintenance stuff I guess,” I said. “The lady was nice. She had a kid that had your name. He was a trip.” Nibbling my bottom lip, I smiled even wider hearing another laugh come through the phone.

“He’s a bad kid?”

Shaking my head as if he could see me before I answered, I said, “No. Not at all. He was respectful.”

“That’s really sweet,” Felix said. I could tell he was smiling too.

“I met him before I fixed up their car,” I said, then my voice dropped several decibel’s. “Made me think of you.”

Felix took a deep breath, I could hear it. There's a slight rustling around on his side, like he was sitting up, or laying down, either one, before he said, “I was thinking about you too.”

“Hope you didn’t hurt yourself in the process,” I joked, and he scoffed straight away.

“Don’t you dare start self-deprecating already,” he laughed again.

I couldn’t help but laugh with him. “Sorry, it’s a habit I guess.”

“Enough of it,” he said. “You sound like you’re having a much better day than yesterday, don’t sabotage it.”

Bobbing my head, I pressed my lips together. “Does it sound terrible if I say that’s because I spent most of the day alone?”

His end is quiet for longer than before, Felix pondering over what I’ve said. It did sound terrible to say that aloud, and the more time between him saying things made it worse.

“No,” he finally spoke, and I released a breath I didn’t even know I was holding. “I mean, maybe, but… You know when you feel your best, it’s okay to chase that feeling, you should chase that feeling.”

“Great, so I’ll see you at seven?” I sighed quickly, catching him right at the end of his sentence. Felix is silent once more.

“Yeah,” he nearly whispered. “I’ll see you at seven. Enjoy your shower.” We both laughed together before muttering quiet goodbyes.

The call made me feel good. I was going to chase that feeling.

A few minutes past seven I tiptoed into Haven. There weren’t any recognizable cars in the parking lot so it seemed like I was in the clear, even though I was meeting Felix here as a friend. Anxiety holed up in my chest below my heart on the drive over here. Running into other people who are considered my friends wasn’t on the to do list for the evening, and I wasn’t prepared to deal with it.

Yanking the heavy door open, another thing I wanted to change about this place, I walked straight over to the bar without a single glance anywhere else. I beelined for a stool, I almost ran. With a deep breath I rested my elbow on the wood and placed my chin on my fist.

The music was loud and made me cringe, and the people nose to nose that occupied every square inch of the concrete floor were speaking at a volume that had them yelling at one another. Amazing Haven.

A familiar face greets me from behind the bar, her curly blonde hair pulled back into a twisted bun tonight instead of dangling at her shoulders. With a smile she leaned forward and pointed behind me.

“Are you supposed to be over there?” Dina asked cheekily, giggling as I whipped my head to follow her direction. Felix was sitting at one of the high top tables in the back corner with his legs crossed and his thumb nail between his teeth.

His blonde hair wasn’t styled, it was unruly and free, just brushing his eyelashes and the nape of his neck. Around his neck he wore a skinny silver chain that hugged his skin snuggly, complimenting the pastel blue t-shirt he was wearing. As my eyes drew further down his body, my breath hitched within my throat. The shirt was cropped at the bottom, resting above the waist of his jeans, and with the way he was sitting with his legs crossed, one side had risen exposing the smallest sliver of sun kissed skin.

“He got here a few minutes ago,” Dina said, popping her brows when I looked at her. “Wandered in here with his eyes all big. I was wondering who he was looking for ‘cause none of your other friends are here.” She smirked. “Now it makes sense.”

Clearing my throat, I tucked my dark, clean hair behind my ear and shifted on the stool awkwardly. “You got to know us pretty fast.”

Dina shrugged. “Yeah, well, Minho works here. He talks about you guys all the time.”

Rolling my eyes I muttered, “I’m sure he does.” Glancing at Felix who hadn’t spotted me yet, his eyes were drawn to the people dancing in the middle of the room, I spun back around and leaned toward Dina. “Can I get a water… and a Sprite.”

“Water and a Sprite,” she smiled. “Go sit with your boyfriend, I’ll bring it back to you.”

“He’s not my boyfriend,” I said quickly and quietly, my eyes probably ogling out of my head. That would’ve been a fun one for her to tell Minho. Peeking at whoever was beside me, praying it wasn’t a muscley man, I asked, “Why would you even think that?” My stomach flopped. Dina nodded her head slow, letting her eyes draw from Felix to me.

She whispered, “I’m gay.”

“Oh,” I sighed. Relief rushed through my veins. There was something comforting about her telling me this, having only known me for about twenty four hours.

“I could feel it between you two,” she said. “Friends don’t giggle at each other the way you two were gigglin’ at each other, dude. Plus, everytime you look at him you stink the place up with your fuckin’ pheramones like a lady in-”

“Okay!” I laughed, slapping a hand on the wood to cut her off. Dina grins, proud. Dropping my gaze to the bar, I released a breath and slouched a bit.

“I won’t say anything,” she said, making me look up at her. The look on her face read understanding, and safety. “I heard Han and Minho last night, what they were saying. I’m actually a little disappointed ‘cause I thought Minho was cool.”

Another roll of my eyes was a satisfying response to her.

“I get it,” she said. “That’s what I mean. And I’m hoping this place doesn’t turn into a homophobe sanctuary.” She laughed at herself. “You’re safe with me. Now, go. You look happy when you talk to him.”

I followed her instruction and stood up, facing the back of the bar with my lips pressed together. Waiting for only a few seconds, I took a deep breath and started for Felix. Felix who looked really pretty. Glancing down to myself and my dark clothes I only hoped that he wouldn’t judge what I was wearing, it seemed he always knew how to dress himself, I didn’t want to look like a schlub next to him.

His sharp jaw was clenched, pointed directed toward the dance floor, he barely noticed me walking toward him until I was a few feet away. Shooting me a look with wide eyes, he broke out into a small smile and sat forward, his arms still folded over his chest.

“Hi,” he said, watching me as I sat down in the chair across from him. The round table put about two feet of space between us.

“Hey,” I said, sitting backward, smiling at him. He didn’t respond right away, instead his gaze was fixated on mine, then it danced around my appearance, probably analyzing me, or whatever his therapist brain was trained to do. The smile was still on his face though, despite him studying my energy.

“How was your shower?” he teased, laying his hands on the table.

Shaking my head, I laughed. “Was fantastic, thanks for asking.”

“Of course,” he said. “I’m glad it was fantastic, you deserve it.”

If anyone was looking, if there was a single soul watching us, I’m positive our cheesy grins were insufferable. Neither of us had stopped.

“Did you work today?” I asked. His brown eyes softened as he shook his head.

“Not today,” he said. “I get off on Thursdays, but I’ll be there all day tomorrow.”

“Thursday’s your only day off?” I asked, my smile dropping finally, pulling into a frown.

Felix shook his head. “During the week it is, I still have weekends.”

Dina approached our table with two glasses in one hand and two shots in the other, making Felix question me with his brows. “Here we go boys,” she said happily. Then, with a wink to us both she said, “Enjoy. This rounds on me, but, shift change.” She gestured toward the bar. “I’ll see you guys again.”

Felix had the view of her walking away, and once she was out of ear shot he flashed me a grin. “What is this?”

Picking up the shot she had placed in front of me, I smelled it and huffed a laugh. “I only ordered the drinks, I didn’t know she was gonna do this.” Tipping the shot glass toward him I shrugged. “You don’t have to drink it.”

“Is this what I think it is?” he asked, taking a sip of the soda out of the straw. To his delight, he smacked his lips once and laughed aloud, swatting one of my hands. “You’re so funny.” Nibbling my bottom lip I glanced at my lap and blushed, smiling entirely too big.

“I had to,” I said. “You love it.” Our eyes met as he took another sip and nodded.

Placing the glass on the table, Felix said, “I’m flattered you remember.”

“It was only last night,” I shrugged, furrowing my brows the slightest.

“Yeah, but, you were drinking,” he said, his tone calm enough that it didn’t disrupt my nervous system. “Things get a little blurry.”

“Something like that,” I agreed, bobbing my head. Felix gave me a soft smile, then took both shot glasses in his hands and insisted I take it. “What?” I questioned, raising a brow.

“Let’s do it,” he said. Cupping the little glass, I dropped my chin just enough to eye him curiously. “I’m serious!”

“You don’t have to.” My tentative tone made him pout. Now my nervous system has jolted. Those big eyes and squished lips were dangerous. I’ve never had so many butterflies in my stomach at once. “You work tomorrow, and it’s just us here, we don’t need to drink, I mean.”

A foot of his stretches underneath the table to tap one of my ankles. “You really are funny,” he said. “I can handle a shot, Hyunjin.” I retaliate and tap his ankle next, but with both of my feet to trap it.

“I just wanted to make sure,” I said, letting my voice lilt playfully. Sitting forward to rest my chest against the table, I squeeze his ankle between my feet and tug it toward me. His entire chair moved beneath him, the legs scooting closer to the table, closer to me.

“Oh my god!” he laughed, gripping the edge of the wood. Letting his leg go free, placing mine on the rungs of the chair below, I held the shot up toward him and smirked. Felix copied me, a shit eating smirk appearing on his lips as he held the shot out.

Under the table his foot found mine again, but this time it danced up my shin as he re-crossed his own legs, letting his foot rest against the inside of my knee. Perking a brow, he tapped the rim of his glass to mine and knocked it back without a cringe to my amazement. Someone doing a shot shouldn’t be as hot as that was.

He put the glass down and licked his lips, dragging his thumb over the bottom one all while keeping his eyes locked on mine. My parted lips gave me away, and he laughed.

“C’mon,” he mumbled, taking the glass from me. Watching him move, he pressed the glass to my lips and tipped it backward, my body following the unspoken directions, tilting my chin back so the vodka could go right down my throat. He didn’t have to say a word, my body reacted to him in an instant.

I swallowed and looked at him. We were both shocked by what had just happened, his hands were frozen in front of me holding an empty shot glass.

Last night Felix told me he didn’t do cheaters. Last night Felix stopped me from making a mistake by kissing him. I hadn’t told him a lick of what has happened with Jade since then, and here he was dangling his foot between my knees and caressing my chin with his fingers feeding me a shot of alcohol.

It must’ve been a collective realization because he quickly pulled his leg back, shifting sideways in his chair to lean against the back of it, putting more space between us. His ring filled fingers were folded and placed in his lap where I couldn’t reach them.

“Sorry,” he said with a single nod. I still hadn’t moved, I was leaning over the wood.

“S’okay,” I laughed. “You got me back for yesterday.”

Felix closed his eyes for a moment to laugh with me. “So, what? We’re even now?” he asked, flashing me a look.

Pursing my lips, I nodded. “Yeah, we’re even.”

“So, we can start over?” he asked. Cocking my head sideways, I narrowed my eyes. “Last night, and… now. We can start over. It never happened.”

“Oh,” I sighed. What an interesting concept, starting over. If it was possible for Felix, I’m sure it’d be possible for me as well. “Yeah, we can start over.” The smile that took over his plush lips made me melt.

“So, Hyunjin,” Felix started, resting his arms on the table, leaning toward me once again. “What do you do for work?” The playful, sarcastic interest in his eyes made me laugh. This was going to be too much fun.

An hour or so passed and the two of us had talked about absolutely everything. Felix heard about work, and I heard about his, and after the jokes had dissipated things got a little more serious and I brought up Jade and what had happened earlier today in the garage. Not a detail was spared, he heard it all. For some reason, around Felix, no matter what we were discussing, I was unable to hide anything.

He told me about their phone call, and he apologized for telling Jade about my panic attack, but he assumed that she and I would’ve talked when we had gotten home. I told him what happened instead, leaving out the part where he was on my mind.

Okay, maybe I was able to hide something from him. This was still brand new, and I wanted him to be a friend, and we technically just started over, so I didn’t want to ruin anything.

Another hour after that we were discussing our families, and I found out that he was a middle child sandwiched between sisters who lived in Australia together. His entire family moved out here a couple of years ago because of his father and work, but once his eldest sister was of age she moved back home with the youngest of the three. By that time Felix had been close to graduating and was already working where he’s currently employed, so he decided to stay.

Discussing my family wasn’t on my list of favorite things to do, so when the conversation shifted over to myself I attempted to ask him more about his. Felix, directly beside me, having switched seats at some point within the night, shook his head and insisted that I tell him about my life, that he wanted to hear about it.

A part of me didn’t want to because of the therapist within him, but then again the other part of me had never been asked about myself on this level of depth. Nor had anyone ever wanted to listen, or wanted to know.

It came out slow, and he hung onto every word, keeping quiet, letting me tell my story the way that I wanted to. He didn’t interrupt, even to ask why. The slight raise in brows in the center of his forehead was enough to keep me going, to keep me talking. Even when I brought up what high school was like with my drunk of a father, how he’d stopped caring long before I even went in, and I had to hold the four years together on my own, and that was when I had started drinking myself… Felix took my arm in his hand and caressed the muscle with his thumb, his gaze holding an ocean of empathy for me.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered, inches away from me.

With a shrug I said, “It’s okay. That’s over now.”

“When was the last time you spoke to him?” Felix asked, squeezing my arm for support.

“The truth?” I questioned, and he nodded. “When I graduated from school. High school.” The way his face screwed up in pain as if he was the one to go through what I had hurt my heart. This empathetic creature had a big storm coming if he wanted to keep me close. “I moved in with Changbin as soon as possible, then we went to college together.”

“How’d you get through school?” he asked. “If you don’t mind me asking.”

I shifted closer to him, letting my shoulder rest against his. “No, it’s fine,” I said. “I, uh, reached out to my family when I wanted to go, while I was still in my senior year, and my grandfather- My moms dad. He helped me some of the way. I think in some ways I thank my mom, like she was looking out for me, or something, I dunno it probably sounds cheesy. I ended up getting a scholarship ‘cause I’m pretty good at school believe it or not. Think I get that from her, ‘cause I sure don’t get it from my dad.”

Felix was focused on my lips while I spoke, and his body weight was falling into mine like he couldn’t get close enough.

“That’s beautiful,” he said quietly, and I looked over at him. Our noses were inches apart. “She gave you a part of her to keep.” I smiled.

“I got her face, too,” I joked, wiggling my brows. “I look just like her.”

Felix smiled, eyes studying my features. “She must’ve been positively stunning.”

“She was,” I whispered. “She was kind, too. And she loved to sing.” Felix took one of my hands in his, for comfort, unsure of how this was going to make me feel. Talking about my mother was hard, but around Felix it came easy.

“Do you like to sing?” he asked, the corners of his lips perking up. My eyes went wide as I shook my head.

“I’m not very good,” I half-groaned, making him laugh his beautiful laugh.

“When do you ever get the chance to?” he drew on. “I’m sure you’re good, don’t doubt yourself.” His fingers messed around with mine.

“If I'm in the garage alone, maybe I will,” I said. “Or, if I’m driving alone, maybe.”

“So no one’s ever heard you sing?” Felix squinted mischievously.

I smiled. “I try not to make unnecessary noise.” He laughs again, his head falling to my shoulder as the sound blesses my ears. “I’m serious!” I exclaimed. “Did I not just tell you about my dad? You think he wanted me to be singing around our house?!” The more things I said, the harder he laughed, but I knew he wasn’t laughing at me. “The guy passed out at two in the afternoon, I’m sure he would’ve loved being awoken by me belting Celine Dion when I got home from grade school.”

“Oh god, you’re gonna kill me!” Felix wrapped his arm that wasn’t occupied by my hand around his stomach, taking deep breaths to calm himself. Still face down on my shoulder, the laughter started up again as soon as it stopped.

“Now what?” I giggled with him.

“I’m sorry,” he sucked in a breath, “I can just imagine you as a kid scream singing in the shower or something, I just-” Lifting his head, there were tears rimming his eyes, and the sight was enough to make me lose it. Slapping the table a few times, Felix tips his head backward and screeches, “ANNND I-”

Several heads turn, unappreciative of the spontaneous display of Whitney Houston from the Aussie. With a cackle, I reach my other arm across him and pull him into my chest to shut him up. “I could’ve been Celine Dion herself, these people don’t know talent,” Felix said quickly between laughs and gulps of air.

My eyes shot open wide. “Who?!” Felix twists his brows and tilts his head. “Celine Dion? What? Who sings that song?”

“Whitney Houston!?” I cried, rocking us back and forth as we laughed even harder.

“I don’t know my women,” he said, sitting up in my arms to wipe the tears out of his eyes. My arms fell around his back, above his waist. The cropped shirt he was wearing had moved amongst the laughter, so my hands were barely touching the bare skin of his hips.

“I don’t expect you to,” I said softly, teasingly. Felix dropped his hands into my lap and sighed with a goofy grin, his head lulling to the right.

As chaos ensued within Haven around us, the air between us fell still, and quiet. It wasn’t awkward, if anything it felt right, like this was where we were supposed to be- making fools out of ourselves when neither of us were drunk, not giving a shit about what people thought of us. It was the most free I’ve felt in ages, it was liberating, and it was because of Felix. He wanted to get to know me, for me. He wanted to listen to me, to listen to me. He was genuine, and he cared.

And the way his eyes shifted in this moment gave me a scare. A small one. I knew mine had changed as well, so it should’ve been no surprise. The strength in our gazes was incredibly magnetic, that once the world got dizzy, our foreheads touched, and I was looking down at him, feeling my heart flutter at the way he gazed up through his long lashes.

A hand slid up behind my neck, Felix’s fingers tangling in the hair on the nape of my neck, his nails on my scalp sending a shiver down my spine. Lips parted, he smiled, and his big eyes closed, as did mine.

I could’ve flatlined right then and there.

He kissed me. He, Felix, kissed me.

It wasn’t a chaste, delicate kiss either. Felix kissed me in a way that rendered me thoughtless, like he’d been waiting years for this. His fingers tightened in my hair, keeping me close. Resting my hands on his back, I slid them up his shirt and pressed my fingers into his muscle, sighing within the kiss. He was tiny, but he was strong, I could literally feel it.

Between shared air and more kisses, his fingers twirled my hair around, messing with it to his heart's content. His rings nudged my scalp, the coolness of the metal adding to the comforting sensation.

And it was over before I knew it. Felix’s hand slipped down to my shoulder as he pulled away, sitting backward to look at me. I couldn’t read his expression, it was a mix of lust and uncertainty.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. Taking my hands from around his back to his knees, I lowered my brows and shook my head.

“It’s okay,” I said. “I loved that.”

Felix pressed his lips together sheepishly. “Me too. I thought about that all night last night.”

Releasing a breath, I half laughed. “I thought about you all night last night.” Felix narrowed his eyes, remembering what I told him I did last night. “And I mean, all night.”

He took a deep breath. “What do you say, we have a drink, just one, then we can go? I work early, and this place is starting to give me a headache, anyway.” I accepted this as his acknowledgement, and smiled.

“I’d love one,” I said.

“Perfect,” he sighed, jumping out of the chair. “I’ll go, you stay here. Don’t run away on me.” He signaled to me and his eyes with two of his fingers and waltzed towards the bar without saying anything else.

Turning to face the table completely, straightening my posture out, I sat backward and scanned my surroundings, not realizing the place had filled up entirely while Felix and I had sat here for hours. Thursdays were popular, I guess, but then again, like always, this place was always full. Crossing my arms, I watched the people dance to the music and it didn’t make me want to vomit. For some reason, tonight it was tolerable.

Felix came back faster than he was gone, empty handed.

Sitting up, I smiled and started to ask, “Hey, do you maybe wanna-”

“Nope,” he said, his tone hushed and rushed. “I think we should go.”

My mouth was still open, mid-question asking, so I opted for a nod.

“Uh, sure, yeah we can-”

“Minho’s at the bar,” Felix said. Shift change, Dina had told us. I didn’t even put two and two together.

Rage filled my entire being. Tightening my fists, I clenched my jaw just the same.

“What’d he say to you,” I growled.

Felix shook his head. “Nothing, I didn’t even make it up there. I saw him, and he saw me, and the look on his face, I just… He clearly saw me before I saw him, so I don’t know what else he saw.” There was a quiver in Felix’s voice that I had never heard before, it sounded like worry. And I was well aware of what came after worry. And I’ll be damned if it’s Minho who makes Felix feel that way.

“I swear to god,” I grumbled, leaping from my chair with persistence. Seconds away from storming over to the bar, Felix caught me by the arm and held me back. Turning, I looked down at him and his pleading eyes.

“Don’t,” he said firmly. “Let’s just go.”

“But, he-”

“No,” Felix said, giving my arm a squeeze. “We’re leaving. Please.”

His ‘please’ must’ve hit me just right.

We were out of that bar without a measly second glance at Minho.

I knew some damage had been done. There was no way I was getting out of this one. This time I had a witness.

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